Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - Give Us Your Kids

Episode Date: August 2, 2022

After being called "crude" and "raunchy", Syd and Olivia turn a new leaf and become entirely kid friendly in this rated R episode of Syd and Olivia Talk Sh*t. Get ready for assessments of classic fairy tales, a new story for children to enjoy, and toy reviews. Syd and Olivia are Mother Goose now. Deal with it. Listen here or watch on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/SydOliviaTube Follow the podcast on social media! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sydandolivia TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sydandoliviatalkshit Twitter: https://twitter.com/sydandolivia ADD US ON: INSTAGRAM: https://www.instagram.com/piercedmedia/ TIKTOK: https://www.tiktok.com/@piercedmedia TWITTER: https://twitter.com/piercedmedia Out of Line is a ⁠⁠pierced media production Executive Producer: Shweta Katyal Produced by Ashna Rodjan About Pierced: Pierced is the first creator-led podcast network that’s making podcasts for the girlies. We’re tired of every man on the face of the planet having a podcast and decided it’s time for a new era of podcasting - it’s time to give the girls the mic 🎤 Pierced podcasts features all your fav content creators in a new light. We collaborate with creators to produce podcasts that speak to the complex and unique experiences of the girls and young women of today – the podcasts we wish existed when we were younger. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

In Olivia talk shit, I'm Sid. I'm Olivia. And today we're dressed like fairy princess douchebags. So here we fucking are, everybody. You might be confused. You might be like, why are you dressed? Well, first off, you might be like, why is Sid wearing a necklace that says Olivia? And the answer is why wouldn't I be?

Why wouldn't she be? You might be like, why is that dog sitting on Sid's lap? Because this is our celebrity guest, Emily Radijowski. And we've got Emily Radijowski on the show today. She's in disguise as a dog. she's getting ready to play a dog and Gone Girl too. You might be like, why are you guys surrounded by babies? That's another good question.

So let's explain this to you. And if you're not watching this podcast, I think, this is one to watch. This is one to watch. So pull your car over or keep driving. Go to our YouTube channel. Just wing it and watch it and hope for the best. Yeah, just drive while watching it. That's what we are endorsing on this podcast.

Legally, we are not endorsing that on this podcast. No, we're not endorsing any type of distracted driving. So pull over and watch this episode. Yeah. Our lovely parents and our parents' friends have given us the note that some of our material can be a little bit too edgy, too sexy, too much cursing. And, you know, it is important for us to be kid friendly because we don't have kids. We don't know any kids in our audience as adults. So we thought we might as well give a completely kid friendly episode. And a disclaimer, this episode is nowhere near kid friendly at all. No, but this is our version of a kid's episode. So this episode is sponsored by the alphabet and primary colors. And all that shit. So welcome kids to a very haunted fucking lesson. This episode is called Give Us Your Kids.

Give us your kids. We are Mother Goose now. We are Mother Goose now. So we, growing up, you're giving all these fairy tales, right? Nursery rhymes. Nursery rhymes. And they're all, all kids get the same ones.

Except we also got some different ones because your mom is German. And my grandma is German and Romanian. And the German fairy tales are so scary. The German fairy tales are horrific because you're teaching you lessons in like the most nightmarish way possible. Yeah. It's like I remember one of them is like about a girl who like tips her chair back over and over again and her parents are like, don't steep your chair back.

And then she does. And then she like breaks her head open and fucking dies. And it's like that's not a thing you should teach kids. Yeah. There's one with like the girl won't trim her. fingernails and so she gets really long, terrifying fingernails. I know my grandma always sings a little jingle and I don't even know what language it's in because she speaks six languages. She'll sing a little jingle. Like Marcy Park's recent transfer. Yeah. She'll sing a little jingle where she'll be like,

and I'll go, oh cool, what does that mean, grandma? And she's like, it's about the little fat boy who sits on the train in the train stops and it does not go. And I'm like, I don't know what that's teaching us. I think it's just body shaming a child. But yeah, it's body shaming children. and saying the train won't go. If you're a certain size. Which is untrue. Trains will go. No,

that's the whole purpose of a train is to carry human passengers. Yeah, that's literally what they're designed for. So we're going to break down a couple of really classic fairy tales that we're just so excited to break down. Oh my God, aren't we?

We're going to get into it. We're going to get into some classics. So listen up, kids. If you've never heard these stories, now it's a perfect opportunity. Where the fuck have you been? Olivia, do you want to explain to us a classic fairy tale? I'm going to start something so simple.

It's Humpty Dumpty. Oh, we all know that. We all know it. And the best thing about Humpty Dumpty is it's literally only four sentences. And it's so famous, this dog is asleep. Yeah, by the way, if you hear any snoring, it's a dog. Okay. So Humpty Dumpty is, we only know from illustration that it's a giant egg.

Yeah, it's never mentioned. It's never mentioned in the text. So it could be a man. It's only been illustrated as an egg. It's never written that it's an egg. Yeah, it could be a very crack. crackable man, a crackable man. So we've got, of course, Humpty Dumpty sat in a wall.

Humpty Dumpty Dumpty had a great fall. And then all the King's horses and all the King's men couldn't put Humpty together again. Okay, I have a question. Yes. A horse. What were the horses expected to do? The horses can't put anything back together. I would never expect that of a horse.

Even all the horses. No, no. Horses in bulk doesn't equal one thumb. Yeah. No, they have like the least usable. hands of any animal. Yeah, hooves are like absolutely useless. It's like, it's like hobs and flippers would be the two things I would trust the least to put an egg back together. I agree. Also, if this is an egg, no, they can't put an egg back together. Unless it's, no, I was going to say

unless it's hard boiled and you use glue, but then you would die. So anyway, what's the moral here? I think it's, don't sit on a wall. Okay. Don't trust horses. Don't have a great fall. Um, never fall down. never make a mistake. And if you do ever make a mistake, you can't count on horses. Yeah, I would also say maybe a lesson is lead with what you are. Because, you know, we didn't even know Humpty Dumpty was an egg. Yep. So maybe you shouldn't.

And also, I will say probably a very fucking important egg. Because if all the king's men were trying to put him back together and all the horses, that's like a, like the king would probably have a long list of priorities. and the fact that Humpty Dumpty is at the top of that list. He's an egg of status. He's a, yeah. So I guess the moral is no matter how high status of an egg you are, don't trust horses and never fall down.

Because you'll never be put back together again. Yeah. So that's a fun little rhyme about the death of a beloved character. Now you go. How about one? That's a gorgeous, gorgeous story. Thank you so much. Olivia and I went to the Renaissance Fair this year.

We were some cursed characters. I was Rumble Stillskin. Yeah, I was a rat. and I had a rat crowns. It was gorgeous. It was Rumpel Stilskine. And I do feel like the only appropriate story for me to tell is the story of Rumpelstilskine. So here we go, children of all ages.

All right. So yeah, present this because I haven't heard you. Let me tell you a little fucking thing about this imp. So basically, in order to appear superior, a Miller lies to the king, telling him that his daughter can spin straw into gold. Okay, now that's already issue-laden. Issue-laden. There's something problematic there. There's a lot of family dynamics that are wrong here.

Yeah. The king calls for the girl, locks her up in a tower. Problematic? Not great. Filled with straw and a spinning wheel and demands she spin the straw into gold by mooring, or he'll cut off her head. Okay, so that's so extreme. It's a lot.

It's also just like, that's why you don't lie on your resume. No, that's why, because someone might kidnap your daughter and be like, you can't speak Spanish well? Yeah, perform magic or I'll kill you. And then they chop off your head. Don't lie on your resume, kids. When she has given up all hope, an imp-like creature appears in the room. All right.

And spins the straw into gold in return for her necklace. Okay, I'm loving that. Okay, great. So then obviously the king sees the straw spun into gold and is like, oh, fuck, yeah, you can do that for sure. Let's try it again. Yeah, I would say at that point, I would just fucking escape. Yeah. So the next morning and the king takes the girl to a larger room filled with straw.

Why does he have to be a different? He has so many rooms. He has so many rooms. You can use the rooms for other things. Perhaps. Like game room. Perhaps boarding your horses. Yeah.

Perhaps movie night. So, you know, we have the girl, she's in this larger room. Again, the imp appears. She spins the straw into gold. The imp is like, give me your fucking ring. She's like, absolutely. She's got a lot of jewelry. She has a lot of jewelry.

She has a lot of jewelry for a poor Miller's daughter. Yeah, I agree. So then, of course, the king is like, hell yeah, you did it. Awesome. So now you have to do it again. This is not a man I would want to marry. No. Oh, you know he's going to marry her.

Yeah, he wants to, right? Oh, not yet. I just know that from my basic knowledge of Rumpelstil. Right. So the third time, he's like, do it again. And if you do it again, I'll marry you. I hate that the two options are I'll either marry you or kill you. And if you don't do it, I'll kill you.

Yeah, we hate it. She has no jewelry left to give this imp. No. So she says, listen to the imp. I can't give you jewelry. The imp is like, it's totally chilling. Yeah. What we can do is a payment plan.

A payment plan in the form of when you marry the king and you have a baby, give me the fucking baby, no harm, no foul. Let's write it into your contract. Just give me the baby. A payment plan in the form of one firstborn. Yeah. And she's like, oh, absolutely I will be doing that. See, yeah, that's it.

A big commitment. Yeah. Obviously, he spins the straw into gold. The king is fooled once again, the king marries her. When the first baby is born years later. Why would you fucking have a kid with the guy who kidnapped you and locked you in a thing and threatened to kill you three nights in a row? All of these stories are about status, right?

These people. All these stories are about status and why we shouldn't care about it. So then, you know, she gets married to this king. They have a baby. And the imp shows up one day and it's like, give me your fucking baby. Right, right, right, of course. You promise.

She did contractually. And she goes, oh my gosh, no. Can I give you all the wealth I have now? Because I married this king instead of my baby because I actually like it. Yeah. And he's like, no. And she goes, okay, what do I do? And he's like, if you can guess my name in three days,

then you can keep your baby. And like, what a crazy pitch. Also, wild to show up in a room somewhere as an impish man and never introduce yourself. Yeah. Yeah. I would literally start by being like, hey, my name is Rebel Stillskin. I know I just appeared in the room. Don't freak out.

But like to appear somewhere and go, no time for introductions. Let me take your jewelry. Like that's insane. Yeah. So this girl goes wandering through the woods one night looking for this impish guy for clues on what his name is. And she's allowed to do that. Like she has a husband who's like, I lock you in a room.

And now that she's the queen, she can just go into the woods at night. Yeah, that's what marriage gets her is more. freedom? I don't know if that's true. So she goes wandering through the woods and of course she finds the impish man and the impish man is running around a fire. He's running around a fire and he sings. These are the song lyrics. Tonight, tonight, my plans I make. Tomorrow, tomorrow, the baby I take. Fuck. That's my new song. The queen will never win the game for Rumpel-Stillskin is my name. Okay. I'm going to call bullshit. Yeah.

I'm going to call lazy writing. Yeah, it's so lazy. That's the laziest thing I've ever heard. I know, you know what? It should have been. I'm going to pitch something less lazy. I think she should have seen him at like a Starbucks or something. And the Starbucks guy is like, okay.

And so one oatmeal latte with added honey and what's the name? And he goes, rumping his doll skin. And then we turn the corner and we see the queen. And she goes, ah! Yeah. Or he whispers it. And then the barista, because the barista wouldn't keep it a secret, goes, rumble still skin. Yeah.

And she's like, oh, I know your name. Nobody dances around a fire singing a rhyme about their own name. Like, that is lazy writing. And I've always felt that way about this turn in the story. Anyway, continue. The only person who would do that is like Trump. Yeah. I feel like Trump would dance around the fire and be like, oh, the baby I take for I am the Trump.

He'd be like, rum, romp, romp, rum, crump, crump, my name is Trump. Trump will still skin. Are you fucking with me? Well, now we have that. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. Okay, cool. Okay, so basically, obviously she hears the name.

She's like, oh, fuck, yeah. His name is Rumble Stilskin. Let me write that as a note in my notes app. Yeah. And then she sees him three days later, and she starts guessing names. And she's like, is it Josiah? Is it Bobie? No.

And she's like, is it booby? And he's like, no. And she goes, what about Rumble Stilskin? And her eyes turn all black and her head spins around in a whole circle? And he's like, oh, shit, it is. And then are you ready for the way this story ends? Yeah. Yeah.

In the oral version originally collected by the Brothers Grimm, this ends with Rumpel Stillskin flies out of the window on a cooking ladle. What the fuck? That's an added power we didn't know yet. When I was a kid, my dad and I used to watch a Spanish soap opera for kids, and one of the kids randomly one episode reveals that he has the superpower of being able to talk to bees. Oh my God, that's amazing. And this reminds me of that.

That's exactly that. This is so, what, you didn't set us up with this? Fuck you, here we go. What are you talking about? Wow, that's amazing. Okay, well, I'm going to tell the story of Hansel and Gretel. Hansel and Gretel. I'll say Hansel and Gretel.

Hansel and Gretel, the thing I love the most about Hansel and Gretel is that it's just such relatable main characters because their whole thing is they're hungry. Relatable to whom? Relatable to, for example, me or anyone who's always hungry. Oh, because they're hungry. Because they're just so hungry. For sure. That's their whole thing is they're like, I'm so hungry.

I just am hungry. Okay. And then besides that, they're like, like I just kind of want to survive. So it's like that's relatable. I thought you meant that it's relatable because they're like tiny little German twins or something. No, no, no. It's relatable because they're literally just their personality trade is hungry.

Same. Okay. So Hansl and Gretel, right, they live in the woods. Their dad is a poor wood cutter. They live in the forest. They have a new stepmother who makes life very hard. The children are not allowed to eat until the stepmother has eaten all, everything she wants off the plate.

And most of the time, there is only crust of bread left. So they all share one plate They all share one plate She leaves them only crust of bread And then she It's time to call child protective services And then all day long there were hard chores for them to do Because of her

Child protective services They tell their father and he's like I don't know what you're talking about That's absolutely not a thing I'm going to listen to And all the stepmother talked about Was how much trouble it was to have the children in the hut And how much she wished they would go away forever Jesus

And the dad's like Yeah I guess I don't know So there's one time they're like, Dad, please, can we have some food? The stepmother slaps Gretel and yells, you will eat us out of house and home. This is a children's story? Yeah. You will eat us out of house and home. Now, there's two different versions of how they end up in the forest.

Okay. The one version that the stepmother makes the dad take them out into the forest and leave them there. And the other version is that she makes them sleep outside and they run away to go find food. So whichever one you feel like is the better thing. I would say neither of them are better. So they try to like leave pebbles to like find their way back home. It works a couple times. Eventually she leads them out into the forest and they don't have any more pebbles because

the pebbles ran out. Maybe they can get ways. So they, exactly. So they find some bread. They leave a trail of breadcrumbs in order to leave them back. First of all, not the best way to do that. I would leave sticks. I would honestly do a trail of sticks.

Second of all, aren't they hungry? Yeah. Why would they waste breadcrumbs? I know. So, that's a good point. So, but when they try to go back, they can't find the breadcrumbs. A bird whooshed up in the air and its beak. It was washed?

It wushed up into the air and in its beak was a large crumb. Hansel and Gretel are struck with grief. Okay, sorry. What? It wushes up in the air with a large crumb. Yeah, so all the birds ate all the bread pieces. Right, but the way that is phrased doesn't make any. No, it doesn't.

But there we go. they are they see a house it's a house made of candy they're like holy fuck there's a house made of candy what a sight to see um they they bite off small chunks okay this is not written right they bite off small chunks and licking the sweet candy oh my god what the fuck um there's an old witch she's like bitch don't eat my house actually she's like actually come inside i'll get you something to eat a fine meal of soup and bread they're like Bitch, you leave in the candy house your meal. Offer is a fine meal of soup and bread.

They eat their fine meal of soup and bread, and then they see piles and piles of bone in the corners. There's piles and piles of bones in the corners. Of her house. Yeah. But yet the two children were very tired, so they slept. I would have not. I would have left.

Yeah, I think it's time to leave. Yeah. So then they awake the next morning. Hansel's locked in a cage. the witch is like every day I shall fatten him up soon he will make me a fine dinner and she says that to no one she says that to gretel who's now her slave oh so that part wasn't mentioned so now she's like gretel till then every day you will work for me until I eat your brother he will he will be a fat meal for me well thank god it rhymes yeah so the witch is blind that's another fun fact

which is like how did she do all this how'd she locked them in the cage how'd she get all the pile of bones they say that when you're blind your other senses yeah no that's a good point yeah if you're if you're blind and you kidnap kids, let us know how you do it in the comments. Yeah, yeah. And so, you know, every day she's like, show me your finger boy. I will see how plump you are getting. Wait a second. Yeah.

Every day she says, show me your finger boy. Yeah. I will see how plump you are getting. So she feels his finger to see how plump. Why doesn't she feel like his tum. I don't know. So anyway, he's holding out his finger. The witch is like, oh, you know, she smiled when she felt how plump he was getting.

Gretel is like, what the fuck? Hansel says, what are we to do? Soon I will be plump and the witch will eat me, right? Fair. So Gretel's like, actually, here, take one of the bones from the piles and piles of bones and give her this bone when she asks for your finger. So she thinks your finger is a little skinny bone. Oh, because she's blind.

Because she's blind, right. But then one morning, she goes, she yells, I will not wait another day. The boy will be my dinner tonight no matter how skinny he is. and then she orders Gretel to start the oven fire. So here's where it gets really nuts. No, it was really normal until now. So the witch is like, be a dear, Gretel, and go inside the oven, won't you? Tell me if it is hot enough.

Oh, no. And Gretel's like, I know what you're doing, bitch. Yeah. And so Gretel literally pretends to be so fucking stupid. And she's like, I don't know what go into the oven means. And the witch is like, what? And Gretel's like, I don't know how to go into the oven. What is that?

Can you show me? Smart. And the witch is like, yes, you idiot. This is how you go into the oven. Smart. The witch goes into the oven. Greidel shuts the oven. They cook the witch.

She saves Hansel. In the process of saving Hansel and finding the key, she finds like a big fucking vaseful of precious jewels. They go home to their father. Their father is so happy to see them. And their stepmom is already dead. Okay. So, and their dad's like, oh my God, thank God. sorry for fucking trapping you in the woods and gaslighting you about your stepmother.

It's weird to me that parents read these stories to their children. This would only make me not trust my parents. No, I would trust no one. This story makes you trust no one. Okay, I hate it. Yeah. Another story that makes you trust no one. This is the story of Thumbolina.

Do you know the story of Thumbullina? I don't actually know anything about the story of Thumbullina. There is like a 90s movie of Thumbalina that is like so unbelievably fun. And I recommend everybody watching it. but the story is, a woman yearning for a child asks a witch. Okay, that's a bad start. Similarities. Asks a witch for advice and is presented with a barley, which she is told to go home.

A barley? Yeah, all right. That's what Wikipedia said. All right. A barley, which she is told to go home and plant. And then after the barley corn is planted and sprouts, a tiny girl named Thumbelina emerges from the flower. Oh, perfect. So she's the size of a thumb.

And whose responsibility is she? Oh, the woman who asked for the baby. That's hard. So one night Thumbelina asleep in her walnut shell cradle. Okay. Is carried off by a toad who wants her as a bride for her son. What? So that's the other thing.

Thumbelina is hot. Okay. So they never say it. But everyone wants to fuck Thumbelina. In every rendition of Thumbelina. Everyone wants to fuck her. It's a bunch of animals stealing the child. Oh, so animals want to fuck her. Oh, wow. It's a bunch of like woodland creatures being like, whoa. I wish I had that power. I want to fuck that flower girl. I wish woodland creatures wanted to kidnap me and fuck me because I'm human size so they wouldn't be able to. Honestly, maybe they do want to and you just can't tell because you're not the size of a thumb. Okay. So with the help of a friendly fish and a butterfly, how do they exist in the same area? Yeah. One of them is sky and one of them is water. They can't. cannot coexist in the same habitat. Thumblina escapes the toad in her son and drifts on a lily pad until captured by a stag beetle.

Who wants to fuck her? God damn it. The stag beetle later discards her when his friends reject her company. So he's like, no, guys, trust me, she's really cool and funny. And the stag beetle's friends are like, no, dude, she's just hot. She fucking sucks. You just like her because she's small. Yeah, it's a classic, like, fuck-boy stag beetle move.

Oh, my God. Thumbolina tries to protect herself from the elements. Okay. When winter comes, she is in desperate straits. She's finally given shelter by an old field mouse and tends her dwelling in gratitude. I don't trust the field mouse. Thumbolina sees a swallow who is injured while visiting a mole. Are they all trying to fuck her?

Because that's what I'm thinking now. I think so. A neighbor of the field mouse. She meets the swallow one night and finds out what happened to him. They don't tell us. So that's just for her to know. She keeps on visiting the swallow during midnight without telling the field mouse and tries to help him gain strength. What is happening?

I don't know, but she's into the swallow. Okay, I'm feeling that for her. This is the first consensual connection. At least, yeah, at least she's into the swallow. Yeah, and then the swallow after becoming healthy. Yeah. Promises that he would come to that spot again and flies away saying goodbye to Thumbalina. Okay.

So once he got what he needed, he left. Is the theme of the story don't be hot? I guess so. It's a lot of that kind of thing. And essentially, it ends with Bambalina marrying a flower fairy prince and flying off eventually at a, and arriving at a small house. Okay. So, so it, okay, so the moral of the story is in, in your teens and 20s, being hot is a real problem. But then once you meet the correct person, you can just have a house.

Yeah. And maybe also, like, don't trust a beetle. Don't trust Beatles and Beatles friends suck. Yeah. All right, cool. Well, we've learned a lot. We've learned so much about these fairy tales and nursery crimes. In fact, we've learned so much that we are now Mother Goose.

Yeah, we're Mother Goose now. So this is a segment called We're Mother Goose now. We wrote our own fairy tale. We did. We thought that the fairy tales. We wrote it last night when we were absolutely delirious. Yeah, we saw. We read these fairy tales.

None of these have morals that really stand up. Like, it doesn't, and you can't learn anything from these that actually applies to real life. No. And Olivia and I know a little something about real life. Yeah, we've been alive for some years. And so we're going to go ahead and read to you a story we wrote last night that is 100% going to be the only story you read to your kids for the rest of your life. It's the only modern fairy tale and it's the only fairy tale allowed from this point on. Okay.

Here we ready? Why didn't you start us off? Once upon a time in the enchanted wood, right next to the sugar plum zoo, a pair of little twins did share a bed, a bed the size of a shoe. And every day and every night they'd do what little twins do. They'd play in the forest and plant a big seed, they'd bake a big bread, and they'd frolic in glee. Thence, one day, a giant did step on their father's. big, burly, busty silhouette.

I love that their father's busty. I mean, why wouldn't he be? And so, and so the twins were left with just stepmother. And she had plans for them, plans of other. For evil step witch did not want any twins. She sent them away to the University of Michigan. Now this is how you will have a 401k. You will go to college and find a job one day.

It will be very simple, for it was, when I was young, and then you'll own a home with your very own sons. We're daughters, said the twins. Oh, shit, I didn't notice. What were your names also? I don't think the authors mentioned them at the top of this tale, asked the stepmother, evil, but always offering really constructive criticism. My name is Piper, said the daughter on the right, filled with chutzpah, and up for a good fight.

She had hair bright red and a face full of freckles. She sang to the birds, her sister was named Sheckles. Well, Piper and Shekels go the away and pick a major that will help you someday, the step which threw the children out from the roof, and then she did push them off of the roof. The children did fall and landed in Michigan. Some facts about Michigan are it's in the Great Lakes region of the upper Midwestern United States. So Piper and Sheckles skipped through the grass. They found a lily pad, the home of their first class. A toad was their teacher.

his name was Miss Toad. We stand his fluidity, long live Miss Toad. Miss Toad sing a song to all of the class. And it went like this, Tweedled D, Tweedle Das. So this is the song. Here's the song. It's to the tune of Despacito. So you figure that out.

We're not going to read it. But it's to the tune of Despacito. So deal with that, I guess. If you sing this on your own time, that's the tune. The song's lyrics are as such, and this is Miss Toad singing. Yeah. Hello children, hello kids. My name's Ms. Toad and here's all my biz. You made a good choice by coming to college. It is the only choice from my knowledge. For with the degree you're like a big tree, the degree is a seed, but the tree could be the. What the fuck does that mean? asked to the twins. Oh, shut up, you twins, you stupid, stupid twins. And listen to my beautiful song, for if you don't listen and don't graduate, your future. will be all wrong. And if you have a degree and some learning from me, you can own a home in 27 days flat.

And if you study your math and go to each class, you will get all your dreams just like that. The song ended abruptly as a hawk came in and ate mistode. Piper and Tansy swore to finish their education at the university. I think we forgot the name. We changed the name. At the University of Michigan to honor the late Miss Toad. All hail Miss Toad who simply did not live as long as we wanted. RIP, pour one out. So they took their school seeds and put them in dirt and for four years the seeds did grow and they watered the seeds and rushed a sorority and the seeds continued to grow. And then one day after four years of talk the seeds became six foot five beanstalks and Piper and Sheckles wiggled with glee. I wonder, oh what's in my beanstalk for me. Piper climbed it first, for she liked to fight. She climbed up her beanstalk and climbed

it just right. Once at the top, she peeled back the leaves to see what had grown from her college degree. But nothing at all. It was just dust. Just dirt and dust and betrayal of trust. And a ghost, yes to the ghost of Miss Toad climbed out of the beanstalk that had just growed. Miss Toad or your ghost, I don't Don't understand, said Piper with a whole lot of nothing in hand. Well, Piper, this is called a BFA. It's worth nothing, and you owe me $100,000 today. Said Miss Toad, as he hit Piper in the shins with one of those riding crop things, Shekels called from across the way, sister, there's nothing in my beanstalk for me. Miss Toad made promises of owning a home, but now I just owe $100,000 and her ghost is hitting me in the shins,

with one of those riding crop things. So the twins did jump from their beanstalk so high and said, we'll figure out how to survive, but they were not the first and they'll not be the last to pay off student debt until they die. They went to the job's mouse and asked for a job, and the mouse said a job? Now, what is a job?

You must have three to four years working at this before you can get your first job at this. What, said the twins? Exactly, he said. So the twins walked down the road. They found the real estate badger, the badger of real estate, to find our young couple a house. Now they date. Our twins date now.

The twins, yes, the twins and a couple as well, said how do we purchase a house? What the hell? Well, you must pay in breadcrumbs, of which there are none, because we're in the middle of a recession. Pretty good stuff there. When I was a cub in the 1960s, I bought this cottage for four breadcrumbs, and now Zillow says it's worth three. million breadcrumbs and there isn't even in-unit laundry. By the way, the federal minimum wage is seven breadcrumbs in 25 cents an hour before tax. Oh, whoopsie, no, said Piper, our feisty young twin.

Let us go to the only parent we know and see if she can help us win. So they went to their wicked stepmother indeed and said, Dearest step, which we are in need. We tried to do things the way you said, and now the ghost of Miss Toad has a price on our head. The wicked stepmother looked them up and down. She said, this is your fault and began to frown. You were the ones who listened to me, and that is your fault, zippity-D. But listen to me now, for this is quite right. The vaccine is filled with microchips and blue lives matter. Global warming isn't real, but if it is, it's your fault. Good luck having your own sons in this burning

rebel of a failed society, you cucks. I'm on bath salts. Then the wicked stepmother did jump off the roof and run to the polls to vote for Jeffrey Epstein dead sex offender for president of the United States of the enchanted wood right next to the sugar plum zoo. And as the world started to burn, Piper asked Shekels, what did we learn? Well, my good Piper, shekels did say, we learned that the world is not okay. So our stepmoms on bath salts and we owe a ghost money. What do we do, my twin and my honey? So the twin, made passionate sweet, sweet love on a mushroom outside of a shoe. And that's where our tail ends, sweet child of mine.

Now tell me, please, what do I do? Adobe Acrobat Studio, your new foundation. Use PDF spaces to generate a presentation. Grab your docks, your permits, your moves, AI levels of your pitch gets it in a groove. Choose a template with your timeless cool. Next those two. Drive, design, deliver, make it sing.

AI builds the deck so you can build that thing. Do that, do that, do that with acrobat. Learn more at adobe.com slash do that with acrobat. And so that's our fairy tale. It ends with a question to a child. Yeah, it ends with what should I do to a child, which I think is kind of valid. It's a genuine question from the reader to their child. What do you expect of me?

What do you want from me? I can't give you anything. I don't know what to do. Maybe you can help. So if you guys want to read that to your kids and then share that video with us, you let us know. Absolutely. They'll probably love it.

Yeah. So guys, at this point in the episode, we are. We're just struggling. We are struggling. We have no, we can't, we have no fucking idea how to relate to kids. I don't remember being a child. Oh, I don't, I remember being a child. No, I don't remember anything.

And I was always an angry little kid too. Like I was, I was like an edgy, angry kid. So he was never really a child child. Yeah, I think I think I was mostly napping. I don't know. We're just kind of fucking winging it at this point. We're just trying to pander. And so we're trying to be relatable.

So for our next segment, it's a segment we love called We Have Notes. Cut the music. So we don't know what the fuck kids would have notes on. So we're trying our best. So here we go. These are notes on Mommy's Milk. Here's some notes on Mommy's Milk. Okay.

Very relatable to children. It's what all the kids are talking about. You kids know Mommy's Milk? Yeah. You kids remember mommy's milk? You do that? You do that? You know mommy's milk?

Okay, here's some notes. All right, here's my first note. Go for it. If it's really that fucking great, how come I don't fucking remember anything about it? Fair. I don't remember shit about mommy's milk. Do you feel like you see a lot of like Reddit chats and stuff about people being like it's so good?

I feel like every kid is fucking obsessed with it. Really? Yeah, like I feel like every little kid just like only wants it. Yeah, they're always being like mommy, mommy give me your milk. They're like, please mommy's milk, please. Yeah, you guys, you guys know that? And my note, I guess, I'm asking little kids, if it's really that fucking great, how come I don't remember anything about it?

Yeah, if it's so good, they'd be mass producing it, selling it, packaging it. Or at least it, at least it would be memorable. Where's the Mommy's Milk merch, babes? Yeah. My first note on Mommy's Milk is drinking fountete. That's a beautiful note said. My note is drinking fountete. Is that how you spell teat?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think. Here's my note. I don't like milk. T-A-T, maybe. Yes, it hates milk. I don't like milk. I've never liked milk.

I prefer almond milk, oh milk, any of that kind of stuff. I don't like regular milk. I don't like Mommy's milk. Yeah. So my thought is, can the teat have a soda fountain? Can the teat have other options? Like, can the teat have orange juice or perhaps a nice herbal tea? Yep.

If I'm going to drink Mommy's milk, I'd like some variety for me. There should be multiple nipples on each boob with multiple taps. I think once you become. a mommy you get extra nipples and each nipple has a different flavor yeah uh all right well that's all our notes on mommy's milk you can think of anything else to say cue the music cut the music we're done with that okay uh we're on to our final segment which i'm very excited for okay um this is ridiculous this is going to be the most fun segment uh so listen one of the best things about being a kid is getting so many toys for me um yeah playing with toys for me seeing toys commercials for me uh

Mousy, you like toys. We went to Target last night when we were also very delirious. Yeah. And we got the newest, best kids' toys. And we are going to review them here and now for you. Yeah, I'm going to put my dog down for this segment because she will try to eat the toys. Everybody give a hand. Emily Radijowski.

So we want to start with the young, young boys. So we went into the teensy, wincey baby. The weency section. And we found a baby shake weight. Okay, so there's a lot of things wrong with a baby shake weight. My first one is it's definitely going to make a baby doing a jack off motion. Yeah. And second is we don't need babies to exercise.

No, we don't need to body shame babies. No, I feel like there should be no baby fitness. No. It gives you a song to work out too. Let's review the song. Okay, that made me so disturbed. If you weren't watching this, our faces just like all the color drained from our faces during that. That was the most disturbing thing I've ever heard.

Lift that weight. That was great. It counts you down. It's like one more. Did it say Jim Jam John? I hope so. What the fuck does that mean? This is Jim Jam John.

That must be its name. And then the other side of the weight offers this audio. Okay. Oh my God. It says let's count curls one, two, three. Do you lift? Okay, cool. So I'm going to give it lights up as the baby lifts.

Oh my God. Do you want to try to lift it? yeah it's lighting up it's lighting up yeah well it's not even heavy so honestly this is for pussy yeah so if you're gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna if you're gonna body shame your kid into working out and then give them a pussy weight i don't know what's wrong with you yeah i'm gonna give that toy a negative six out of ten yeah i'm giving it i'll give it a negative i'll give it a negative seven out of ten yeah i think you lost me fisher price um okay next up we've got uh oh love this yeah love this because i couldn't fucking tell you if

there was a gun to my head, I couldn't fucking tell you what this is for. This seems like an accessory. This is a purse that's also alive. It's called purse pets. Purse pets. And the eyes can blink. If you're not watching, it's kind of like if a leopard printed purse had Furby eyes. Yeah.

And it's just a regular purse. And then there's a button you can press and let's see what it does. It growls at you. Okay, growls. Or laughs. It laughs with a human voice. And mocks you. And it mocks you.

That's like how we talk to the dog. Yeah. Okay. So here's the thing. Okay. My biggest problem with my current purse is that it never mocks me. It never growls. And that's what I'm looking for in an accessory.

It also has tears in its eyes. I need my purse to blink, cry. and mock me. Yeah, it also blinks without asking. It blinks without your consent. So there's that. Yeah. I did not press any buttons for it to blink. So yeah, it's got no mouth, but it can still talk. It can mock you. It can go n-gn-n-n-na and make a human laugh sound. And I think it's also a choking hazard. So I'm going to read this a 10 out of 10. Yeah, I'm going to give this a 14 out of 10. All right, perfect. I will be wearing that to the Met Gala. Okay, next up. Okay, now this one. This one, we were shocked. Can I hold this guy?

I mean this, okay. So do you guys know Alf? You should turn it off. I will. Do you guys know Alf? Alf is a cursed being from yesteryear. Yeah. So Alf is, it was a TV show.

This is a TV show called Alf. Yeah, it was about an alien who sucks, who lives with a family's house and wants to eat their cat and literally sucks. And they keep him there. And they're like, he sucks. He sucks. So they brought back Alf as a shaky toy. It shakes like a vibrator. It just shakes and shakes.

So we found this toy in, it was alone. It was alone. There was not another one. There was not another elf. It has chains on it with a dollar sign. And these really flimsy, this vintage sunglasses. And it's just this big fucking stupid shaking. It won't stop shaking.

And it doesn't stop shaking. No matter how much you try to get it to stop shaking, it will not. It will like randomly start shaking when you least expect it. Why does it shake? I don't know. Also, on the packaging, which is just like a bell. for it. It's got a picture of Alf like trying to get fucked. Yeah, it's a picture of Alf laying down like he's saying come hither. Like he's, he's being like, paint me like one of your French girls

and it's Al. And he shakes like a vibrator. And he's just shaking and he's not talking. He doesn't say anything. Nope, he doesn't say anything. He just shakes. That sounds like a vibrator. It's the scariest toy. I hate it. It looks like an alien art vark. And when Olivia and I were checking out, when when Olivia and I were checking out of Target, she was like, the woman who was there was like, oh shit, I remember that guy. And we were like, yeah, I can't believe Alfa's making a comeback. And she went, oh, I don't think he is. She's like, I think they just put it in the store.

It's not making a comeback. So my favorite thing, hands down about this, besides the fact that it's horrifying, is that it shakes in silence. I'm going to rate this 666 out of 10. I'm going to do the same. Okay, perfect. So this guy gets a 666 out of 10. I'm going to turn him off by shoving my finger in his prostate.

Which usually doesn't turn people off. Nope, but for this guy, it sure does. All right. We've got her, our final toy. Okay. Oh, yeah. Now, this goes into the category of dolls that are too sexy. Yeah.

I don't know what this is supposed to be, but Sid pointed out a really good thing. It is, so this is called, I'm going to hold this up. This is called nah, nah, nah surprise. Now, what does that mean? Who knows? They don't tell you. It's a girl who looks like some variation of Ariana Grande. Yeah.

Very long hair. very sexy. She has a sleeping bag with a corpse animal on it. Yep. And then her accessories are a brush with antlers and a pillow. And she's wearing the the antlers of a once alive deer. Yeah. And she's a not a non-na-surprise. She's not a not a not surprise. Here's the thing. The back. The back is great. So the back says collect both. That's a that's very easy. And the issue that Olivia and I have with that is a collection implies that it's more than two items. Collect both is a very low bar. Yeah, collect both.

That's one shopping trip, my guys. Very attainable thing you can do. Collect both. And so it's two pictures of two different eras of Ariana Grande. She's kind of like sweetener era over there is Sierra Foxtail, but with her like salmon cat hair. And then here she's just like classic, you know, my everything, Ariana Grande. The names are Myra Woods and Sierra Foxtail, which she's.

sound like porn names to me. They're, they are so sexy. Yeah, it's upsetting. They're sexy. Like, I'm attracted to them. Yeah, they're like hot. They're like hot. Like, look at their little sexy knees.

Yeah, and like, I don't even find knees sexy, but they made their knees sexy. They have like cute little chubby sexy legs. And they're wearing way too. I mean, it's not that their stuff is too short. It's just that it's literally sexy. Yeah, that's the issue I'm having. And they're camping. They're camping.

No one would never wear. that. You would never wear that camping. So, yeah. So, so. Oh, and then my favorite part about the doll, actually, is that its face is like a piece of fabric with its face printed on it. It's like canvas material.

It's like canvas sewn onto the head of the doll. So its face is like weirdly, cheaply made like, and just like, it's so strange. Like it's just not, it doesn't have any facial features that aren't just. Yeah. In this canvas. And I guess my question is what is the surprise? I mean, you're calling the doll, nah,

nah, not surprise. What is the surprise? The only thing that's really surprising me about this is that I'm attracted to it. Yeah. I don't like that surprise. Yeah.

I think this doll is far too sexy for a child. Yeah, the fact that any Republicans are like saying gay will make kids think about sex is like crazy because it's like this will make kids think about sex. Oh yeah. This 100%. This cis doll. Yeah. We'll make, it's just too, it's sexy. I mean, come on, yeah. I, and if you're not

attracted to this doll, you're attracted to this image. Yeah, 100%. And if you're not, you're fucking lying. Yeah, you're lying. So, uh, so let's, non-na-na-surprise gets a, let's not push heteronormative sexuality onto kids. Yeah. I'm going to go with non-na-surprise gets a one for me because the one point goes to the fact that she is very hot. She looks great. I just don't know if she should be a children's toy. I would like, like, fucking love to dress like this. And I plan to now for my next camping trip where my legs will be. Or honestly, for Halloween, you'll be non-na-na-s surprise. So I'll give her, I'll give her, I'll give her three points for that.

Yeah. But then the, I don't think it should be for kids. No. And I think, I think the sleeping bag is kind of hinting at like a, it's like a nod to Louis Vuitton. Oh, it is. Yeah. And I'm not even feeling that for kids either. Yeah, they don't need it.

There's other things to put your attention on. I'd rather them have the shaking alf. So that's all of our toys. Guys, we've been kid-friendly this whole episode. Yeah, and if you don't think so, you can take it up with someone else or suck my dick. Or you can suck my dick. That's very angry. I was just trying to think of the most kid-friendly thing I could say.

Guys, if you felt like today's episode was lovely and child-friendly. Do you guys, if you guys love us having kids one day together, go tell all your kids about it. Go find some kids. track them down, send them our way. Give them to us. And give them to us because we know how to be kid friendly and we have proven that with this episode. Yeah.

Ba-a-boom, bada-bing. We are kid-friendly. We are kid-friendly. Thank you so much for watching. Make sure to subscribe. You can find us on any platform where you can hear podcasts. Our YouTube channel has a filmed version

with animated bits. It's very fun. Follow us on Instagram, TikTok. We are at Sid and Olivia on everything in the whole white world. And until next time, we will see you. see you next Tuesday. Bye.

I'm Olivia. That one's sick. She's wearing the Olivia necklace. I am.