Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - Leslie Jones Does Not F**K In The Car Anymore!

Episode Date: October 21, 2025

The force of nature that is Leslie Jones is on the big bad podcast for you this week! To start speaking a new language in 3 weeks, click the link in the description or go to https://Babbel.com/TALK and you’ll get up to 55% OFF your subscription. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to https://zocdoc.com/SO to find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. Remember these episodes now go up a few days early AND with bonus content on Patreon & Fourthwall! https://www.patreon.com/c/syd_and_olivia https://sydandolivia-shop.fourthwall.com/ Listen to the show on the go! Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2j0iQxY9Pf0h4mXEOFxgmk?si=a95ba3e2a2844ec4 Chapters 00:55 - Intro 03:00 - Welcome Leslie Jones 06:42 - Seducing Prince!? 11:30 - Leslie Jones Explains The Body and a Man's Mindset 23:53 - Life In Your 30’s 26:36 - Leslie Jones For President!? 30:12 - Know Better So You DO Better 33:49 - Tough Love With Leslie Jones 43:56 - Reading With Leslie 46:55 - Where To Find Leslie Jones This is a 7equis Network Show Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We have merch. We finally have merch for the podcast. We've got these sweatshirts. These sweatshirts that say sweatshart. Just in case you needed that. Because we are Shart Nation. Shart Nation rise up. This is your sweatshirt.

It is a sweatshart. We also have shirts. The shirts say, play the music. And then on the back? Cut the music. It's very fun. We also have socks. Oh, yeah.

The socks are fun. One of them says the Sid one. And the other one says the Olivia. one. So if you lose one of those socks, one of us will take it very, very personal. And we'll go missing in real life. And we'll go missing in real life. So if you want to have a voodoo doll of us, the socks function the same way. Get the merch now. The link is in the description. And send us pictures of you wearing the dang merch. Yeah. And fully clothed otherwise. Holy shit. Holy shit. Um, Amazon. Sit has a sound box. I can explain. So I went on somebody

else's podcast and he had like a real system where he plays sound effects. I was like, that's awesome. I have no money. And then I ordered this for $50. Yeah. And then today someone sent me this one from our Patreon. So now we're going to do them animal sounds. We're going to do them at the same time. That's a zebra apparently.

Our goal is to send everyone into psychosis. So we're going to do them at the same time. One, two, three. That's great. There's art. There's so much chat. You see how much time white women have on their hands. Do you see the fucking time that these bitches have?

They're not worried about shit. It's like, make me a handmade tailed. I don't give a fuck. Yeah, that's so true. Hey, make me a handmade. I don't give a fuck. I have my soundbox. Every time he fucks me, I'm going to be like,

bump, da, na, na, na, and I, bump. Wait, that's actually so fair. Completely dissociated. Oh, my God. That's actually 100% fair, and I think that is the next season of handmaid.

Yeah, just everyone has a little. Every time when he finish is like, Bada. It's okay. In some girl going perfect for my podcast. They let the handmade start having podcasts. Oh, let the handmade they're having podcasts. Okay, so I was getting fucked.

She did not hold me correctly. And I flipped her over the bed. God. Oh, my God. Oh, you know, under his eye. Under his eye. You guys. You guys, are sponsored by his eyes.

You guys, this is such a, delight already. Guys, we're losing our shit. What an absolute honor. We're so excited. We're so excited. We have... You get something you don't deserve and you're like, what?

Yeah, I do. I'm white. I know exactly how that works. We have... We have a guess we don't deserve today. Oh, that's so sweet. This is an Emmy nominated actor and comedian. Actually, Emmy winner.

Emmy winner. Yes, I won a sports Emmy for the Olympic footage, thanks. Okay, so this is an Emmy winner. Winner. Excuse me. I'm a winner. This is not only an Emmy winner. Yeah.

This is a person you know from fucking everything. Yeah. You know this person from SNL. Yeah. You know this person from Ghostbusters. Yeah. Our flag means death. Yeah.

So many things. Um, yeah. Guys, it is Leslie fucking Joe. Yay. Hi. Hi. Wow. Leslie, this is huge for us.

This is, yeah. How are you? Is it huge than the sound things? This is like, this is even big way. I mean, I don't know if I'm huge than the sound effect. Oh, my God. I think that's a little bit more.

You know when a penguin, I guess, says... Wait, man. That's not a penguin. Is this a penguin? Is that how a penguin sound? Because we're in trouble. There's tiny little guys, and I'm trying to... Like, this is the weirdest one for me.

That's a horse. It is a drawing of a panda. They're wrong. Wait a minute. A panda? Thoughts. I don't know if you want to look at it. Yeah, because, see, I'm thinking, was the panda having sex?

Probably. You know what? actually can you can just have yeah you take both for this episode you get to do them whenever you want oh my god i just feel like don't wait oh yeah and that one goes on for way too long yeah it does just can i have this for when i perform yeah yeah yeah you guys missed the laugh yeah yeah yeah and then you stare at them while it goes yeah and it plays out yeah yeah yeah and it's just a little these these people in Inside the box think it's funny. Yeah, that's good.

So fucking stupid. Wait. Okay, we have questions. This is so a white girl. You even wrote, well, listen, that's our culture. We even wrote questions for you in a Google Doc. What? We wrote questions for you in a Google Doc.

Do you not usually do that? No. You motherfuckers got organized for me. I can't even decide if I'm going to eat oxtails at 3 o'clock in the morning or not. You don't have to do all of this fancy. all of this fancy shit for me. No, once you be, it's because it's because you're like, no, I want to say really good. Once you, once you hear the questions, you'll be like, that didn't need to be on the.

Oh, yeah. I'll be like, I'm just going to be like, you wasted a whole goggle, Google, goggle, we've literally said, we know that this podcast is also just a waste of everyone's time. Yeah. It's like, it's like sitting over your talk shit, colon, a waste of everyone's time. We, but if you got followers is not actually. We used to say we wanted to bring people on the podcast who like we wanted to waste their time, like, bringing RFK Jr. on just so that he can't do anything else.

You will run out of the studio. You wouldn't want to, and then he would hit on both of you. No, it would be a nightmare. It would be disgusting. And you would catch COVID. Oh, for sure. Right. It would be a duty to waste his time.

It wouldn't be like we'd enjoy it on any level. Oh, no. We'd be throwing up. You would be taking one for the motherfucking team. Yeah. Like, I'm sorry. You will cry after he left. No, 100%.

But, but, but his time would be wasted. And I actually, and that's he doesn't care. He doesn't. That's true. So old white Republican, time is nothing but his friend. Yeah. But I also really would love to talk to the worm if I'm being honest. Yeah.

The worm that's inside his brain because I guarantee you it's smarter than him. Oh, I think so. It's giving up on this brain. It's just sitting there. It's like there's nothing here for me to use. There's nothing here for me to use. Yeah. It's starving.

You know what I'm saying? It's just smoking weed in the back. It's like, I don't know. Smoking the weed in back. Yeah, go swim in the fucking river, motherfucker. Swim in the fucking river, you dumb fuck. Leslie, the first question We have our Google dog

Is literally, I don't even know where this one came from I'm so scared Did you, did you seduce Prince? No. Where do we get this question? I embarrassed the fuck out of myself So the first time it was the ponytail.

Is that what you're asking about? Yes. So I was young and a whore. Oh, I love that. I love that. Oh, I was such a whore. of Babylon, I was a whore. Oh, I used my body for everything.

Good for you. At the time, you know, the thing that was in was the shard-a ponytails. So you would get your, slick your hair back and get one of those hair pieces and put it on and be long and shit. Oh, yeah. So I wore it and we went to this after party that was supposed to be after something because Prince was there. Prince was going to show up.

Nobody thought Prince was actually going to show. I think it was at the Palladium, I want to say. This is back in the day. And I'm not sure if it was an after party or something for him, but he was supposed to show up. So everybody's waiting for Prince to show up and I'm like, Prince is not going to show up. But he fucking came in. So I was like, oh, I'm fucking Prince. Yeah.

I don't care. What nobody say he's going to see me. He's going to be you big, tall bitch. I want to climb your fucking ass and I'm going to write a song about you. All this shit. I had dreams of grandeur. in my motherfucker head. So I wore that ponytail, and I was fine as fuck.

So I just made sure that he could see me, but there were so many girls. So I was like, I'm out, I'll hold these holes. What did you do? Oh, girl, I stepped in. And I was big too. And then I got to the fucking rope, and I just did my head, like, you know, where the ponytail could swing around. And I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

And then I was like, oh, because they played his song, they're playing his song. And I was like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Take his song. I took his songs. That's amazing. And I'm trying to remember what the song, because I used to say the song, and I can't remember what the song, but it was a funky-ass song. And I swung that motherfucker and that ponytail says, whoop.

Oh, he came off? Oh, he came off. Did it hit a wall or something? It hit the fucking ground. And Prince, I looked at Prince, and he was like, Oh, my God. And the pontytail was expensive, so I told the security guy, was like, can you? That's fair.

That's fair. That's fair. To go from, to go from like being the star of the place and really going for it. Just being like, can you give that home? And it's like on top of my head, this little twig and he just started. And I was just like, please just kick it over, kick it over. And I grabbed my ponontent and the left. I was like, fuck Prince. And you know what I'm saying?

I still was in love with him. So fast forward to SNL. Chris Rock is the guest and he has Prince as the musical guest. So I was like, I wonder if this guy remembers me. You know, I won't have, you know. So I was like, I'm going to rehearsal. So in the, in SNL's really dark when they have rehearsal. So I'm standing in the back, like in a shade of light.

And Chris Rocker's the host, right? So he's fucking going to. I'm like, oh, my God, Prince, I'm dying. And then when he finished, he starts heading towards me. And I'm about to shit. I'm like, oh, my God. I've made it. And I know I'm so famous.

Prince knows me. And he's coming to meet me. So he walks up. over, but you could tell halfway that his face changed because it was like, oh, you could tell it was like, oh, this is not who I thought it was. So he came up to me anyway, and he shook my hand,

and he was just laughing, and I was like, you thought I was Chris Rock, huh? And he says, and just walks off. I was like, you left him speechless twice. Wait, what? I didn't care. I still got shook his hand. I got to touch his hand. He thought

you were Chris Rock? You don't look anything like Chris. I did. I mean, if in the dark I had the, I had the Mohawk and in the dark I looked like, I looked like Chris. Wow. Oh, wow. That's so, wow. You left him speechless twice.

You made him go like this twice. Did you get to speak at his funeral? No. Dang. Dang it. I started to bring their ponytail and bury it. I really feel like that's what should have happened. I do feel like the ponytail shook on with him.

My writer laughed so motherfucking hard when I called him that night. He was like, God, damn, that dude thought you. I was like he thought I was Chris. I know he did. It was so fucking funny, man. Oh, man. Oh, my God. I had some great times in my life because I just like has to be really great time.

I love that you said like you were like I was like a whore for a long time. Oh, I was a whore. Who wasn't? No, no. 2030s is your whole land. Whole land. Yeah. You have to.

It's when you puts and pops back. Yeah. Your pussy just goes right back to the stuff. That's what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Bam, bam, bam, bam. You know what I'm saying?

When you 40s, that shit just go, oh. When you're 50s, that shit just be like, hey, this is what it is. Let that motherfucker lid in. You carry it in your pocket. Bitch. Yeah, no.

Does anybody want some pussy? What does anybody want some pussy? Wow. I mean, yeah, that's like exactly what you should do. You have to test the limits of your body. Well, this is what I always say that, you know, be safe. You know, be safe. Sure.

But, you know, women and men, they go through their sexual thing. Women are way more smarter because we are so smart. We are. We're smart. And then we learn. We have to learn about our body. This is why I tell men, we have to learn about our body because if we don't, we stink. Yeah.

Right? At 12, we knew about the, you know, the, the thing with holding the two basketballs. You remember the diaphragm of the uterus and that motherfucker be holding. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Motherful holding just palm and two basketball. Yes, yes, yes. We had to know about that motherfucker at 11 years old. Yeah. Because if we didn't, you know, your titty starts smelling like pickles.

If you don't know how to, you know, if you don't know how to, you know, if you don't know a certain font comes from there, you know what I'm saying? Especially you got big teeth. You got washing. of your tithies. Because it will smell like straight pickles.

That's so much. I want that on a T-shirt. Can I get a pickle for my hamburger? Yeah. So we have to learn. You know, we have to learn about

our pussy because if we don't, it would smell like Michael Jordan's tennis shoe in the sixth game when he had the flu. You know what I'm saying?

Funk as fuck. Well, yeah. And it's also like, You know, if you have the ability to get pregnant, it's like something you have to think about. Well, the thing about it is our body is the worst factory ever. Yeah. It's the worst production factory ever. And it amazes me that men want to take that shit over.

You motherfuckers can't handle real factories. That's so fair. We fucking get hot. We get cold. We get periods. We have whole humans in our fucking body. Yeah, that's great. Eating off of our body.

Yeah. And you want to take this over. Fuck you, motherfucker. Fuck you, motherfuckers. Yeah. Fuck you. And that's what pisses me off. It's the audacity of men sometimes.

I really wish men would just take the time to get fucking counseling. Like, no, I tell, I do this joke on stage. Did you all get to see my special? No, I want to watch it. I haven't watched it yet. Oh, my God. I talk about men in therapy. Men, you need to go to therapy.

This is why I say all the time. Whenever I come to a podcast or anything, I try to get this. out because I don't know who watched your podcast. But men need to understand that you have the permission to get well. You know, this is not us asking you to do this for us. We're asking you to do this to be a better person. It's not about you going into therapy and being like, yeah, I went to therapy. Are you fucking learning?

This is about you. This is not about us. This is not about it. This is about you. I'm telling you right now, when I got therapy, when it's just like going to get a professional to do the oil. instead of you doing it yourself. When you do your own oil change, yes, you do it fine,

but you don't know how to put the little filter in there and wipe it out, take the pan out, make sure that they ain't old. Yeah. The fucking professionals do that. So you get to sit down to a professional so they can tell you what the fuck is going on so you can fix it. Yeah. Why would you not want to fix it?

Why is your car running better than your emotional status? Wow. That's beautiful. It's really, and then too, you're talking about this. lonely man shit. Oh my, the male loneliness epidemic. Yes. I want to talk about it.

You're lonely because don't nobody want to fuck with you. Now, let me, let me, let me, let me just put this straight up. This is something that I learned through my life. I'm 50, I'm about to be 58 Sunday. That's fucking cool. Let me explain something to you. We fucking. Oh, you're okay.

Yeah. Now take as much time as you need. Oh. What was that talking about? The male loneliness epidemic. Which I understand. Yeah. You can, yeah, you can day as much as you.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Learning another language just makes you a well-rounded human being. It really does. And you could have connections with people that you may not have been able to have connections with before. So today's sponsor is Babel. Babble is an award-winning app.

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Babel and now you're working on your Greek singing. So that I can go back to Greece and do Greek karaoke the right way. To start speaking a new language in just three weeks, click the link in our description. Or go to babble.com slash talk and you'll get 55% off your subscription. That's 55% off of your subscription when you use our link. Join the millions of Babel learners breaking the language barrier every day at babble.com slash talk. Remember that doctor's appointment you've been meaning to make? Oh my God, constantly. Well, you can book that doctor's appointment today through Zoc Doc. Zoc Doc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in network doctors and click to instant. book an appointment. Doc makes it easy to find the right doctor. And it's all online. You could actually

probably book an appointment before the end of this ad. One thing that's been really crazy is like how many unchecked nutso health fads are out there that are like, oh yeah, maybe there's some signs behind this, but I'm not sure how much. Like, yeah, you can't trust some random person on TikTok with your health. No, you really shouldn't. You need to go to a doctor. And the thing about doctors is that's what they're for. Should you be slamming olive oil shots in the morning? I don't know, but a doctor does. You've used ZockDoc, and honestly, you should check it out. We often get people asking us how to find a therapist. Check out ZockDoc.

You might find a therapist in your network. Stop putting off those doctors appointments and go to Zocdoc.com slash S-O. To find and instantly book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash S-O. Zock.com slash S-O. So the thing that I find out about men, when they treat you bad, you're not the only person that they're treating bad. Right.

They're treating their mom bad. They're treating their sisters bad. They're treating their friends bad. They are bad together, all together. So whenever a dude is treating you fucked up, don't take it personal. Take it that that's how they are. First of all, you're not special. That's really good.

They're treating everybody in their life fucked up. Let me get my child. Decentre yourself and how badly. Don't take it personal because this motherfucker's fucked up to his mama too. He's not just fucked up to you. He has a fucked up. disposition. This is, this is something that I really want to get across. We're not fucking with that no more. See, women were always put into a position of thinking that something's wrong with us.

You know, that's why Oprah came. That's why Sally Jesse Rale and Donahue all came so we could talk to women and try to figure the shit out. But we, we had already figured it out. Men, you haven't changed. You haven't did any kind of work. And you're not understanding that now women have done the work and we know that we don't fucking need you. We don't need this fucking bullshit. We can go make our own money. We can make our own babies.

We can do all the shit without you now. And before you need to understand that women love men. We love you. Oh God, how much I loved it. Oh, Lord. How mercy. The ugliness of it, the way it looked like, you know, John

Smith, if it's nicely circumcised. You know how to John Smith haircut up in the top? You know? Yes. Just a beautiful. I think dicks are so gorgeous. Yeah. But you're not understanding that you're not doing the work.

So we don't want to do that no more. We don't want to be your counselor no more. We don't want to be your maid no more. We don't, we want to just be your girl. So when you go to counseling, you learn how to do that. You learn how to get to the better side of yourself. Because whether you want to believe it or not, sir, it's affecting your dick. What I'm saying is, y'all got to do the fucking work.

Y'all lonely because you're lonely because you won't do the work. And we as women now are in a point like, we had to do the work. You have to do the work. I'm not going to have no child by a crazy motherfucker. And that's what they're not understanding. We don't, we want to have family. We want to do all of that. But we have chosen not to have families with people who are fucking crazy.

That is beautiful. When you have to, when you look at a woman and you see them happy and acting goofy and stuff, they would a man. But if you see a woman who is just like, she's with a boy. Yeah. Yeah. What pisses me off is the men who can fuck, why are you not talking to the dudes who can't? Yes.

You know your friend can't fuck. You hear him talk about his girlfriend. Put down the fucking clickers and be like, man, let's talk about the clitoris. Yeah. And so what is exactly that you do when you go in there? Like, talk to your friend. You said this thing about, you know, putting down the clicker and stuff. I was like, that really would be a good video game as like locate the clitoris.

Oh, yeah, because they love video game. Yeah. And I do that all the time. I say this is the A. This is the clit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the clit. Yeah.

A is the clit. Yeah. So, because that's what frustrates us. You don't want to learn your fucking complacent pieces of shit. We watch you. We watch you play the PlayStation. And this shit here? This shit, this shit here is goddamn finger.

This is impeccable fingerwork. Oh my God, you're so right. Do that to the pussy. What? What are you doing? That's so right. Why are you wasting it on Sega, motherfucker? Yeah.

Myest PlayStation getting all the little finger and I should be getting. Just, hey, this is the click. This is the click. Oh, my God. This is the clip. Bam. Ooh, G spot. G spot.

Yeah. I think you. Like, you ask a man now, because they know everything about sports, everything about sports. But then you ask him where the clit is. He'd be like, I don't know. traded to Denver, go fuck your man. He got traded to Denver. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I think like it is a good idea for people who are struggling with finding a clitoris or like the anatomy of a vagina, let's put it in terms that you understand. Right. And then too, man, stop being fucking narcissists and insecure and coming there and be like, oh no, I know

how to fuck. No, you don't know how to fuck me. It's like going to a house, right? And I'm trying to show you what a bathroom is. And you go, I know where the baffirm is now you wandering around in my house for five motherfucking minutes because you don't want to take direction. Have you ever thought about being a sex coach because you genuinely could be? I get too angry. Wait, okay, wait. It's kind of a good sex. It is, it is. We did. Okay, so there is this, you know. I just talked about sex for like 15 minutes. There is like a stand up clip of you

talking about like 30 year olds and like, you know, let's just play it because it is an excellent. It's really good. You guys are so fucking sweet. It goes into our next segment, which I think I'm very excited for. I talk about all that. I'd be wanting to help y'all so bad. I hate this outfit, too. I think you look fucking great.

Well, thank you. I also respect someone. No, I look like the predator. Oh, my God. You don't, but I understand the feeling of feeling like you do. Oh, okay. Okay. Okay, no, this is important.

The point, also the part that we're trying to get into starts when she starts talking about people in their 30s. Especially you're 30 year olds now. Y'all motherfuckers. Oh, God, you're so fucking lost. Oh, you're so painfully sad. It's just, you know, in my 30s, I show on the fuck wouldn't sitting in no theater listening to an old bitch tell me I wouldn't shit.

That's something I didn't do. I didn't sign up for that shit. Yes, I talk about it all the time because you motherfuckers are kind of like the tone setter. Yeah. Whenever I look at 30-0s and that's how I check if everything's okay. If the 30-year-olds are like still having fun or whatever, then we're like, okay. But these 30-year-olds lately, Jesus wept on the cross. You motherfuckers are so depressed.

No. Y'all are so sad and depressed and lazy and sleepy and what the fuck are you doing with you? I've never, when I'm telling you in my 30s, I was climbing motherfucking mountains and pissing off the side. How do fuck y'all don't have energy no more? What happened? I literally never climbed a mountain. Like, are we all poisoned?

Like, is there something like, what's happening? Y'all depressed. Yeah. You're depressed. Y'all can't keep looking at the phones and the social media and feeding yourself with that shit and then think you're going to be healthy. No, it's like an accident. It's asinine.

It's absolutely insane. Like, I think about my growing up, we was always in the streets. Yeah. I used to always say my 30s, I was hidden corners all the time. In my car going over somebody. house or going to some party or some you motherfuckers even when y'all party y'all just sitting there looking at your fucking phone nobody's dancing nobody's fucking clapping their hands nobody's going woo-woo you're just sitting there going oh my god out of party go fuck yourself and get the

fuck out my party and that is like and that is like beautiful advice well well and then i'll have people tell me oh well shut out because you guys didn't blah blah blah blah blah I know that your have it harder. Listen, whenever we got bullied, we had to wait to get to school to get bullied. Now, you can get bullied 24 hours a day. So ask me what I would do it if I was president. Oh, what would you do for the president? Oh, shit's turning off at 12 like it used to. You remember when the Pledge of Allegiance and all that would come out? That we go back to that. TV's not 24 hours anymore. Sunday, I'm turning off social media. No one is on their fucking phone on Sunday. You go to the fucking park, you go have dinner or sleep. How about just sleep? How about the fucking state? How about

I fucking stay in your bed and fucking sleep. Or go to church or do something else, but you're not going to be on your phone. And that shit goes off at 12. I would say I'll let it even go to one because I know people have business, but you end that shit at one. You're going to see the fucking flag

come across the TV and take your ass to bed. Because that's when you knew to take your ass to bed. There's snow on your fucking TV. Go to fucking bed. Wait, that's not like for president. Huge. It's like like mandatory put the phone down hours. I think, no, no.

No, no. Do you know how in some place? they have the siesta? Oh, no, I would have control. I'm turning the shit off. I'm turning the shit off. Yeah. I'm going to get all the billionaires in the room. All the billionaires in the room. And I want to hear every one of them tell me why they think that they shouldn't pay taxes. Oh, yeah. And then I want to see what type of deal we can do with America. Because see, I can, I'm good with you trying to get some, you know, everybody wants a discount. Everybody wants, you know, to get something for free or whatever. But what we're going to do is we're going to save the nation that

you live in first before you get any fucking thing. And if you're going to you're going to, you know, you want to live in my motherfucking country, you're going to pay your fucking taxes. Yeah. Or you're going to and all this like and and I'm a tack of trafficking. I need to know who's all these people that's fucking these people. I need to know. Yep. I need to know who they are and you're not doing it in my country.

Yeah. There's no point in having that much money if you're not going to use it for good or help other people. It doesn't even make no sense that if tax all the billionaires that we would actually be okay. And I know this sounds really fucked up and I'm probably going to get canceled, but I did give a fuck. I'm about to die. You think I give a shit?

You think that on my deathbed I'm gonna be like I get pimped I don't give a fuck about you or your mama I really don't I really don't We need to stop giving our money out All the money

Our United States of America is in terrible trouble We ain't got no money to give out We got to keep all the money for ourselves To fix this fucking nation To fix our education Our fucking clean our shit up

Advanced I fucking air traffic control don't even have an advanced system. What the fuck are we doing? What the fuck are we doing? How the fuck is teachers not the most paid people? They teach you. Everybody goes to teachers, even precedents.

Why are they not the most paid people in the fucking world? Why is the air traffic controllers? Why is the airlines not paying the air traffic controllers? Because that's your fucking airline. You can't land your plane without we fucking landing it. It just doesn't make sense that we haven't. This is what I feel like is the whole genre. of this United States, everybody's scared of change.

Yeah. Yeah. And, I mean, you could tell by them getting pissed off at a black mermaid. Yeah. That's not real. You understand? Yeah. That's not a real thing.

No, it's not real. I'm gonna go. They got mad that they had women ghostbusters. Hey, don't call me if you see a ghost. Call the police. Yeah. Don't call me because I'm not real. I'm not a real ghostbuster.

No, it's not real thing. It's not a real thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's not a real thing. And you need to understand when William Shakespeare and Charles Dickens and Mark Twain wrote all that shit, they knew someone was going to interpret it different because they're writers. They write it for that.

They write it to be different. How many times have we seen the Christmas Carol and different? How many times have you seen Romeo and Juliet different? It's supposed to be that. It's a compliment. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? So stop sticking to shit that we're so scared of change.

But you need to understand something about change. It don't give a fuck about you being scared. It's just like I always give this example. If you have a wall here and there's water just hitting that wall, it will turn it to stagnant molded water because it's no flow. Yeah. So you have to flow. You have to flow with life.

You have to get better. If you know better, you do better. Yeah, I don't fucking the car no more. Wait, wait, wait. I know better, so I do better. So you used, so what, wait, wait, what made you stop? That it's illegal or that? No, because it's just uncomfortable.

Okay. Okay. I haven't done that in a very long time. And you know what? Let me let you know. You can only fuck in the car if you have a big penis. You understand? Because the things that you have to do in the car to get to the penis, it has to be huge.

Okay. I mean, listen, I love, I love where your brain goes. I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, no. Don't ever apologize. I understand. I need to put stuff. And that's why people love me because I put it in terms where you can understand.

Yeah. And I think it's always also. But it's also always the thing that you don't, you don't expect and also. like don't understand necessarily where it marries, but then it does. And you're like, oh, I totally understand what you're saying. Exactly. When you said, that's why I don't fuck in the car anymore, I was like, what? And then I was like, yeah, of course.

Because you're different now. Because you're changed. You don't need to do it anymore. It's okay to be a different person. It's okay to start being the better version. And this is another thing I always tell 30 and 20 years. Yeah. You're not perfect.

No. No. Oh God. You will never be perfect. The only perfect person was Jesus and you're not an Let me explain something to you. You are always make mistakes. I still make mistakes.

But they're not mistakes. They're lessons. Oh my God. I'm so glad I went through the bullshit. I went through in my 20s and 30s because it makes me be able to sit at your podcast and tell you shit. Listen, you have to fucking learn. Like when people be like, I want to imagine, do you have an apartment?

Yeah. Have you bought a condo? Yeah. You don't just get a house and you will lose it. I tell comedians this all the time. Stop trying to be a headliner. Walk your way to that. You can't do that.

The end of the road is the headliner. I wish I could be featured again. I have to headline now because I'm so fucking good. Like real talk, though. Real talk. I'm a samurai. I graduated. You want a doctor that comes in and goes, hey, this is what's going on.

You don't want a doctor that comes in and go, you know, I kind of think I'm not real sure. This is my first. Right. Yeah. You don't want fucking motherfuckers. You want people that are confident. Yeah, that have been there for a while. And when you would headline or when you didn't, because I was listening to your audio book, you started headlining by accident because no one wanted to go after you. It was really a fucking, it was so, it was the most annoying thing because I still was learning. Yeah. I still was learning how to do jokes. What a compliment. I know, right? No, it's not a compliment. It's fucking, it's annoying. But if somebody's like, I don't want to go after you because they're like, you're too good. He was a punk-ass bitch. Okay, fair. Because you know why?

I had to go after them. Yeah, that's true. Yeah. When I was coming up, I had to go up after people like earthquake and Chris, Chris Tucker and I had to go up after them motherfuckers and rip. Yeah. And rip. Yeah.

You know, that's what's wrong with people now. People don't want the now, but they don't want the how. Mm-hmm. Oh. Okay. Wait. So we asked people from Patreon to ask us some questions that they need tough love answers to. because while we don't feel like we're very good at giving tough love,

we know you're good at that. Y'all young. We have years ago. And you're pretty white girls. Oh, my. Oh, no. You are definitely going to be handmade. Thank you.

Thank you. Definitely. Thank you so much. She's so beautiful. I'll be like, I got to get you out the country. Yeah. Because they're going to try to make half babies with you all day. She's sitting on the couch going, no.

Yeah, I got to get her to fuck out of here. And I got a way to smuggle you out. They can you. Oh, you know, I got a way. I got a way to smuggle you out. I'm actually so fucking dead. You're going to have to be put to sleep and put in a coffin. I'm fine with that.

That's okay. It's okay. I'm fine with that for me. I'm like, I'm Leslie Jones. I have to get these bodies up. And then I put you on a plane and fly you somewhere. So many of us are depressed that being asleep in a coffin medically would actually be great. And then you'll be cool.

You'll be fine. No, it's truly fine. I'll make sure the pilot checks on you. So some of these people from our Patreon asked questions that they need advice to. Oh, I love those questions. Oh, yeah. So you just give whatever you do you. Girl, you ain't never got to tell me.

This one, this one I really, really want to get an answer from you because I feel like, I know what I know what when you're doing. It's so good. Where is it? Where is it? It's a longer one. You guys are fun. Is it long? You were the coolest.

No, no, no. We were like, we were nervous all morning because just because you're cool. You know, when you're like a freshman and a senior comes out and you're like, oh, my God. I know that feeling. Their answer is because it's like, we don't want you to feel like it's a waste. of your time. Oh, this is always a waste of my time. Yeah, yeah.

And that's beautiful. I know. I can't waste no time. Knowing that at least we all know it's a waste of your time, takes pressure off. I found it. You did? Yeah.

Okay, say it. Okay, so this advice question is, all of all my life, people have seen me as the best friend type rather than the someone you want to fuck type. I get called cute and endearing a lot, but never hot and sexy. How do I stop being cute and start being sexy? What's your take? How old is she? I need to know.

Oh, my God. That's such a good question. I'm going to guess early 20s, is my guess. Yeah, a lot of our people. Well, let me explain. Youth is sexy, period. Okay. Find out, find out, first of all, and who is the people that she's trying to get sexy for? Yeah.

And who is telling her that she's cute? Is it the guys that she want to date? See, I need more information. And you know what she looked like. That's fair. But I would say the first thing is you have to think it. Yeah. You can't just, if somebody's, you know, and everybody goes.

to it. Like for the longest, I thought being tall was and was being a monster, because I was always told that you're a big ass bitch, you're scary, whatever. But then if you start thinking it, then yeah, you'll start being it. Think sexy. You know, even when you have glasses on, you can be sexy. Yeah. I don't know what she looks like. So I don't know what her attributes are. But if they're saying she cute, that she's right there to sexy. She may just have to change her attitude. You don't have to be naked. You don't have to be naked or nothing. You just have to be sexy. Okay, I'm going to tell you. But you got to be down for it. You got to look at yourself naked. You got to, you got to stand in the mirror. This is what I do for, you know, for comedy.

I always tell New Jacks to do mirror time to stand in the mirror so everybody can see. So you can see what your face looks like. Wow. So you can see what they see. You do the joke. You talk. So sexy is the same thing. You got to look at, you got to like yourself. That's where, and I know it sounds cliche. You will never be successful until you like yourself. You. You will never be successful until you like yourself. I know my mom used to say that all the time. I never understood it. No one is going to like you. No one is going to fucking give you full like until you fully like yourself. And then when you start doing that, you draw people who are like people. Yeah. So right now you're drawing these cute motherfuckers when you should be drawing. It's sexy. Just, just emoted. Just look in the mirror.

Look in your eyes. Look at your eyes. Look at your body. See what it is that you like. Is it your breast you like? Is it your legs you like? Oh my God, it's the tone of my skin. You can fucking fall in love with yourself. Masturbate. Yes. Masturbation makes you love your life, makes you love your body. As far as for a woman, I would say, you know, because when you feel sexy and, okay, I'll put it like this. When I moved to New York, I was so empowered that I could catch the train anywhere. I ain't have to depend on nobody to ride anywhere. I could just go get on the train. It's the same thing when you start masturbating because it's like, okay, I know what I'm supposed to feel like.

Yeah. And you do feel sexier. Yeah. And then also when you're with a partner, you're able to be like, these are the things I like. Here's where the bathroom is. This is where the bathroom is.

If they listen, because I do be like stage, I'd be like, get out. Yeah. And be brave enough to say, you got to go because you're not listening. And I'm not, I'm not married to you.

Have you? I'm not married to you. You're not my boyfriend. You don't pay my bills. And if you're not going to fuck me right, get the fuck out my house. Have you told somebody? Yes.

During sex? Yes. You said get out? Get out. Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. Get off of me. Is there like a warning? They'll ask. They'll ask. They'll be like, so what did I do wrong? Well, I told you to do it this way. You think it's okay to do it that way. Oh, well, let me, no, get the fuck out. I don't even, I'm not even turned on anymore. That honestly probably makes you sex here to them. Well, I mean, I know it might be a little bit harder for y'all because you think you can't fight that dude. But you make him think that you can fight him.

Be like, okay, so I'm going to ask you to leave one more time. And if I have to ask you, again, it's going to be a fucking problem. Right. But see, but I'm six feet tall and I can be scary, so dudes ain't going to challenge me, but I can understand where you might feel challenged. But that means, too, don't invite anybody in your house that you can't get rid of. That's really good. Don't fuck anyone you can't fight.

Don't fuck anyone you can't fight. No, no. No, because you can't fight everybody. Don't fuck anybody that you don't feel safe with. That's also. Oh, right. Oh, right. We do it all the time.

Listen. No way. We do the one night stands and we think, oh, they didn't pass. It's fine. But motherfuckers is crazy now. Oh, yes. You are right about that. You got to just be, we got to be safer now.

See, in me coming up, it wasn't as bad, I think. Or, again, I'm six feet tall. I ain't nobody going to fuck with me. But we can bite. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Or scissors by your bed. And I have a baseball. I have a baseball bat. Like a little mini bat that's by my bed. Oh, good. Yeah. Like, or like, you just got to learn how to.

Yeah. You just got to learn how to. usually when you're a firm person and don't test that. Yeah. Okay. So Haley from the Patreon asks, how do I get over my introversion

and make friends in the new city? That's like probably a good question. Have you ever been introverted? Oh, I am introvert. So people think that when you're out and you're fluffily like that, that's your extrovert, you're not. No.

And that means that people are uneducated and don't know what extrovert and introvert is. Extrovert is when you get their energy from people. Like when you're tired, the thing that makes you happy is sitting with your family and friends and talking

that gives you energy. Introvert is when you get energy by yourself. I love being by myself. I love being by myself. Now, I need to know what her sign is. But to be introversion

in a new city. Job. You know, make friends at your work. You know, if she's young, you know, find out what the local shit is. You know, to make friends.

Yeah. introvert is kind of hard because you really do like to be by yourself. Yeah, and that's valid. But, you know, somebody invites you to a party. Go to it. In a new city is really hard. You know, you have to figure that out. It takes time.

Have patience. Yeah. You have patience because friends come. This is all we say, everybody that's on my team gravitated towards me. I didn't pick them. They gravitated towards me. So you have to change your energy. Change your energy.

Whenever you're out, be friends. friendly, not too friendly where you get taken advantage of, but friendly, approachable. You're in a new city. Until you know when to put the stop to it. Yeah. You know what I mean? I always tell people, you can have the life you want. You just have to have it.

You just have to be brave enough to just go, I'm going to do it. You know, that's basically it. Go to the park. No, seriously, go to the park. I mean, damn, now it's so dangerous to even telling a woman to go to the park now. No, shit. Because she'll run into some guy. with no shirt on and be like, oh, she's not talking to me.

Jesus Christ. You know what I love at the park? I love to bring my collapsible hammock. I have like a hammock that folds up. See, white people shit. White people shit. It folds up and then you tie it. If I need that, I'm going to have a white person come over to me and say, why are you doing

that? Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Are you sleeping here? Is this where you sleep? Are you supposed to have that? Oh, Jesus Christ. Are you supposed to have a collapsible hammock is.

crazy. Yeah, and it's so crazy. I never asked the white girl. She can do that shit in the middle of the 405. And they'd be like, oh my God. She must have had a reason to do that though. No, Leslie.

She must have been trying to save her children. Literally, no, a hundred percent right after you said that, I was like, that's fully true. A black woman doing it. It's like, oh my gosh, she's trying to start a war. Oh, my God. She's fucking trapped the cup on purpose. Yeah, because I literally fully tie a hammock to two dreams. And nobody bothers you.

Nobody bothers you. Nobody bothers you. No, shit. Nobody says a guy. No one says anything. Not a cop, not an old woman, nothing. They just be like, she's living her life. That's true.

She's having such a good time. That's 100% true. What a nice white girl. It's 100% true. She's going to make a great handmade. Wow, she's going to make a great handmaid one day. Oh, look at her handmaic. I wish we could go back in time so that we could change our senior quotes in our

yearbook to she's going to make a great handmade one day, Leslie Jones. Oh my God. We have one more thing we really want to talk to you about. Oh, yeah. You have an audio book. Nice. You have an audio book that is much longer than your regular book. Because I love to run my fucking mouth.

No, but that's kind of the best ever. And you notice that it's not the book, right? Yeah, so it's not the book. Yeah, it's you just talking about. Yeah, because they told me that I had to read it and I was like, oh, I'm not reading aloud. That's hilarious. I'll just tell you the stories. So you have a book.

The audio book is not the book. That's why I was tell everybody, get the book, but get the audio too. Also. Now, so we thought, like, that's such an incredible thing that we would love to give you just a couple of little, like, some text that you can do your audio book version of. Just not reading what's actually on the page, just doing whatever the fuck you want to. And we've just got some famous texts for iterating. Yeah, I do that. I do that.

So, um, this is Leslie fucking Jones's audio book version. of famous speeches. Music! Cut the music! Okay, let's do... I think the Gettysburg address would be really right. We have the preamble. The preamble. The preamble's good. Let's do the preamble first. So, okay, we,

the people here in the United States, we're trying to be good. We're trying to be good with each other, you know what I'm saying? We're trying to have tranquility and shit. Like, we're trying to get along with each other. You know what I'm saying? We're trying to be on the same page and shit. We're trying to make sure that everybody can eat. Yeah.

Everybody can pay for their rent and shit. You know what I'm saying? And everybody had the rights that they're supposed to have. They're supposed to have like this United States America. We're not like other countries. You're going to have liberty here. You're going to have liberty here. And if you want to know about our specials, go check out this.

It's called the Constitution. We established this so everybody can be on the same plane. This right here, you can do, you can own a gun, but we really would, like if you don't shoot nobody with it. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So, um.

I like that in the preamble. There's a hold for pause. Yeah. Yeah. Like waiting for interaction. Yeah. That's really good. That's great.

That's gorgeous. That's great. And I think one more. Let's just have you do the speech from Hamlet. Yeah. It's to be or not to be. So do whatever the fuck you want with that. Totally throw it out.

Whatever. Oh, God. To be or not to be. That is the motherfucking question. You know what I'm saying? Like, you're denying my son and awful my daughter. What the fuck, right now? To be, bitch.

Like, what the fuck? I'm here. I'm here, but I'm not here. But I'm going to be. Shit. Are you fucking my uncle? That was beautiful. Can you get a Tony award for a podcast?

Yeah, I mean, yeah. That's unreal. I just remember Mel Gibson doing that line, and I just thought it was so. To be or not to be. That's a great line. To be or not to be in this bus. Leslie, can you tell us where to find your special when we can find it? All right. So my special's coming out October the 24th on Peacock, the Cock. What an appropriate place for my special to come out on the cock. October 24th is called Leslie Jones Life Part 2. And, you know, I got that coming. I got the, I did the British Bake Off. That's coming out on October the first. Oh my God. I'm so excited.

Celebrity makeup? Yes. Oh, my God. It's so good. It was me, Padden at Oswald. Oh, wow. Rachel Dratch and Adam somebody.

I forgot. At you and love is so good. Oh, this is an all star. It's really exciting. It's really going to be fucking. And I got a couple of, and then I'm about to start my tour. The first date is going to be September the 19th.

Oh, my God. So, yeah. Yeah, we got a lot of good shit in the tank. And then I got a couple of shows that I'm working on right now that's going to come out soon. I'm so excited. Yeah, I'm wildly excited, especially for British Bakeoff because I fucking love Baker. Oh, you're going to love it because I didn't know.

It was fucking her. They had to actually literally come and ask me to stop cursing so much. This is like the British Bake Off. Can you not? Did you get a handshake from Paul Hollywood? Oh, I made him shake my hand. I made him shake my hand. I was like, you're going to shake my hand.

I'm going to beat your ass. That's good. That's a good way to do it. I'm a good way to get a hand. You're like, I came all the way here. I came all the way to fucking London to shake your fucking hand. Yeah. And I met Prue too.

Prue was really nice. Oh, Prue. I would love Prue. It's really, it was really cool. Wow, this is very exciting. Okay, well, thank you so much for being. Yeah, you're just like awesome. Thank you so much.

It was so fun. Such an absolute delight. And yeah, we're just such fans and we're just so happy to have here. Thank you. I appreciate it. Seriously. It was more fun than I thought it was going to be. How good.

Oh, yeah. I'll take that. That's great. I'm going to go talk to these young girls and they don't know what the fuck. Oh, God. These future handmade, they have no idea what's coming. They're probably going to be sleepy and shit. They're so tired.

So depressed. It's okay. We're going to do those things afterward. You guys, thank you so much for being here. Check out of Patreon if you want. This is Leslie Jones. I've been the Sid one the whole time. I've been the Olivia one.

And we will see you next Tuesday, Free Frame.