Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - 👀 LOOKING THROUGH STRANGERS' WINDOWS W/ ZACH WOODS!

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

This week Syd and Olivia welcome actor and comedian (Silicon Valley, The Office) Zach Woods! Zach brings the girls some sponsorship opportunities, and also regales us with stories of problematic business managers and explains a freaky occurrence that happened when he looked through the window of someone's home! Use code TALK10 for 10% off your SeatGeek order*. https://seatgeek.onelink.me/RrnK/TALK10 $20 max discount Chapters 00:44 | Intro 01:57 | Everyone Goes Wild For Zach! 02:24 | Who's Calling Olivia? 04:40 | Olivia Is A Poor Minion 06:35 | Zach Is An Ally 07:40 | Zach's Business Manager Story 10:30 | High Praise From Zach 12:29 | SEAT GEEK BABY! 14:01 | The Girls Get Big Timed 19:33 | What's Wrong With Olivia? 22:23 | Syd Almost Got Taken 26:10 | Zach Brings His Sponsors To The Pod 34:50 | American Girl Dolls 45:57 | Zach Looks Through People's Windows 51:33 | CANCEL THEM! Zach Woods https://www.instagram.com/mrzachwoods https://www.tiktok.com/@zachwoods Bonus content on Syd & Olivia's Patreon! ⁠https://www.patreon.com/c/syd_and_olivia This is a 7equis Network Show Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I only had to pay $20,000 to put extra virgin olive oil on the neck and back of Mark Zuckerberg. And that experience will be in my spank bank for the next three to five years. What an incredible use of my VEP and Silicon Valley money. Yeah, I mean, I would never endorse a product that I haven't myself used. So that was, you know, it was nice for me. I'm not going to say it wasn't nice for me. Did you guys like make eye contact at any point? Well, it's a back rub.

So I had to kind of lean around to catch his eyes. Right. Did it work? You think I'm not going to lean around? I kind of assumed you did that. Oh my God. I'm fine. I'm so glad you're fine.

Oh, good. Good. Welcome to the big bad podcast for you. It's the big loud podcast at you. This is Sid and Olivia Talk. I'm the Sid one. I'm the Olivia one. And today we're going to be talking to another one.

Yeah, we'll be talking a whole new one, guys. This person is, we're like shocked. This person is even allowed in the same vicinity as us. We're very, no, we're excited that we are allowed in the same vicinity as. him. Right. I meant it in a way where I'm the bad one. You meant it. Sorry, let me clarify. Self-effacing. Sorry, guys, I meant it. Let me clarify, I'm bad. So we are really excited about this. We're excited that the courts are letting this happen. Yeah. We're really excited that all the, you know, orders have been dropped temporarily. Yeah. This person is, you know him from everything. Yeah.

You know him from Silicon Valley. Yeah. You know, I'm from Silicon Valley. You know, you know, know I'm from the office. Yep. You know them from V. You probably know them from your big bad dreams. You know this person as like your comedy crush of all time.

Yeah, I'm sure you know. This is like the person you're obsessed with. Yeah. So while you're already thinking it, we're just going to announce it. Welcome to the podcast, everybody. Zach Woods!

And now I come in. You guys frozen for a second. Nice. Hi. Hi, Zach Woods. Thank you for the heavy insinuation that we're all watchlisted. Oh, no.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh, who's called? Let's play the game. Who's calling Olivia. It's American Express. Woo.

Telling me my account is going to be taken away. Why? What did you do? I just need to pay the credit card. That's one of the big things they dislike. Yeah, they love it. They don't like when you don't pay. They're fussy about that.

Cid and I were, um, sit and I were like, I was showing her something on my phone the other day. Oh my God. Oh my God. And all of these texts started, like, you know, when you're showing someone and like bad Notifications start popping up. We got, yeah. She was showing me a notification that was like a funny thing from like a like neighborhood watch thing.

Yeah. You have to see this. And I look and it's a text from her mom that says, Olivia, you are a star. And I was like, immediately, it popped up. Like she just like sent me a nice text and like she's a very nice lady and she's just like so mom. You know how moms do that. She's so sweet.

But she was like, I just want to let you know. And it was out of the blue. It was not having a conversation. Yeah. And it was just like, you are a star. surround yourself with people. But like it looked like I was like, Sid, look at this.

I'm a star. Look, Sid, I'm a star. My mom thinks I'm a star. And then laughing about that and I was like, no, it's this. And the next notification was your bank account balance is long. But wait, can you describe to me what you imagined the moment right before your mom sent that text was like? Like, where was she? What was she doing?

What made her like? If I were to guess in my heart of hearts, I would say she was parked outside my parents. place in her car, doing stuff on her phone in her car because she loves to do that. She likes to sit in the car and just be on her phone. I get that. Or like write stuff. And she's probably looking at like Taurus 2025 predictions and going like she's going to crush it this year. And like I probably felt like I feel like she's upset right now. You know, one of those. I think it's one of those. And then she was like, I'm going to send her. If astrology was involved, I will not be surprised. If her if she was in the car, Lopi's surprised. Yeah, absolutely. She's a, she's a gem. She's a doll. Yeah. That's so sweet to imagine your mom just like surveying the stars and being like, my daughter needs to know. She's a star. It's so lovely. It is. And then the same time, it was so sweet too because the bank was like, your daughter needs to know. Also like. Not solvent. I'm really jumping into it right at the top. But another thing that happened yesterday that was so embarrassing. And it's in the same world of like surprise bank account low, like balance.

Our friend had a party last night. Yeah. And it was minion-themed. Minion themed. Because the whole bit was her, one of her best friends is the creator of Phineas and Ferb. And her whole joke with him is being like, didn't you create the minions and he didn't. So it was, everyone came to his house dressed as a minion last night. And I was dressed as a minion in a vans getting a minion cake with her headshot on it, trying to buy it.

trying to buy it and my card gift getting declined and I'm like on the self-checkout screen like dressed as a minion calling being like, hey, could anyone like spot me $30? Yeah. I got a panicked call from Olivia saying, hey, I'm in the grocery store I'm dressed as a minion. I'm buying a minion cake. So I'm going to need you to just like zal me if you could. I'll pay it back here. We can take it out of like the next time we get paid like take it out of my take it out of my thing. Like I, this is so embarrassing. It's like it's embarrassing enough when you're card declines. It's embarrassing enough when your card declines when you're buying something embarrassing.

But I was dressed as a minion. And a hundred percent like a minion. The cake said happy minion Carlo Lin. Yeah, which is not our friend's name. It's not her name. Her name is Kara. Her name is Carolyn. Yeah. We like got a cake that said happy minion Carlo Lynn and a sexy headshot of her and a bunch of minions. And then that morning the other Vons canceled it. So they had to call me and I had to like go to like panic and go to a Vons and be like, help me please. And it's like for an adult. It's like not for a kid. This is amazing. I wonder, I don't know how I feel about student loan forgiveness. I haven't really thought about it. Right.

But I do feel that there should be forgiveness for charges that are sufficiently embarrassing. Like if you're really, really compromised, they should just be like, just go ahead. Have you ever had to do that? Have you ever had like, what's like the most embarrassing thing you've ever had to buy? Oh, wow. Because like Vag products, every Vagg product, like that you have to buy in person. It just says in like huge letters. buy all those for allyship so that if there's ever a woman at my house,

who has some sort of pH. And there hasn't been, but if there ever was, I want her pH to be looked after. Balanced, yeah. Yeah. And for her, not, you know, I'm not talking about a romantic situation. Yeah. You just want to make sure she's safe.

Yeah. And I don't think women should vote, but I do, but I do want their, I'm obsessed with their vagina. Their pH. Their rights. I'm obsessed with their body chemistry. Not, I don't think they should have the, franchise. Yeah, I don't think you should have control of their bodies, but I do think their body should have a balanced pH.

I wear a little lifeguard outfit, but I just blow the whistle when I suspect there might be like a urinary tract infection comes. Such an ally. Yeah, it's really good. Oh, my God. Come for you. Yeah. I'd like scold them about hydration a lot. It's like good for you. It's good to scold a woman. Can I tell you something? Tell me. I am a fundamentally childish person in many ways and irresponsible. Yeah, welcome to the club. Yes, exactly. But when I started making money from television, I got a business manager and I interviewed with all these different business managers because I was like, this person could ruin my life. Before I wanted to do, yeah.

And I went to one guy's, he was on Central Park South and I went up to his high office and it looked out on the park. And he had a big TV behind him playing sports at like a semi loud volume that he never turned off during the meeting. And he had a giant bottle of shampoo, like one of those joke bottles of. champagne on his desk and he he said he was like he he my recollection is that he was Tina Faye's business manager I don't know if that's true or not that might be I might misremember it but anyway just said it you might just be a liar you can lie yeah it's really but the reason I bring it up is your it is possible to lie is that what you just told no you can absolutely but how do I believe you um okay let me cover my nose so you don't see it growing

Anyway, this guy was like, you know, some of these actresses, they spend and spend and I have to scold them. I have to say. And I was like, I was like, are we in some sort of like weird erotic fiction? Like, what are you talking about? And I was like, Tina Faye lets you anywhere near her like bank account. Like it was so weird. It was like he had this whole like and meanwhile like LeBron James is like dunking behind him. And these big ass like idiot champagne. I just was like it was so weird. That is like the experience of like watching Wolf of Wall Street. Like that's the most masculine thing that could ever happen in a derogatory. Yeah. Yeah. But I, but I, but I, it must have been many. It was over 10 years ago at least more by a lot actually probably. And I still remember it because I remember the feeling in my spine.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Oh, a guy being like sometimes you got to tell these ladies, no shopping. Yes. Yes.

And I was like, you're their employee. Yeah. Yeah. You exist on 10% of their, whatever, or 5% of their income. You can't scold your employer. No, no. That's truly not how that goes. You can be like, as your employee, I would like to advise you of this, but you can't

school. The word scold is so fraught too. And you can't tell me he doesn't get off on using that work. Of course. Because like the word scold implies that there is a power dynamic where somebody's like the parent and someone's the child. And I don't like that idea. Yeah, right.

But the child pays the parent. Correct. Like kids tuition. Okay. And now it's time for a segment called We Pay Zach Woods to scold us. Play music. Cut the music. Zach.

So I'm based on only way you know about us right now. Actually, though, we are like so grateful. Yeah, no, genuinely. I'm so grateful I'm doing the podcast. Thank you for having me. I think you guys are so. Let me, because you gave that whole like rap, rhapsodically humiliating introduction for me. I want to say, we have to start by being really nice because as the podcast goes on, we'll get meaner.

Great. Okay. That's comforting to me and that resonates with my sense of myself. But I just wanted to say, like, I think you guys are so, so funny. I remember seeing your sketches for the first time and just being like, oh my God, they're so not just funny, but so specifically yourselves. It doesn't feel imitative and it feels like really like you, and you can sort of feel your friendship emanating from. this. I never met you. This is the first time we're meeting. But I feel like I could feel the warmth you have with each other emanating through these like kind of aggressive sketches. And you know, I really like it. I'm going to stop in a second, but I really like it when with comedy or anything really, when you can feel the kind of the completely unreplicable specificness of a person behind the thing. And in this case, you're, two people allegedly. Allegedly.

And I just thought I could feel you guys through it. I was like, so I was excited when you asked me, I am a little shy about fucking as sometimes because I just don't feel like I always have. I know, I just feel shy about it. But I wanted to do it because I, I'm a fan of your guys. You're so cool. That's the nicest thing in the entire universe. We are huge fans.

I remember when I saw you liking our sketches, I like was like, oh my God. And then like we texted each other. And then I saw you at all. time once, like right after that happened. But I was like, I'm not going to go up to him. Why? Because you were having a nice time, like, just with your, whoever, with your friend or something. And I was like, I'm not going to go up and be like, we know each other on the internet. But also because we've done that before and it went poorly. That's true. We have done that before. And people have been like, goodbye.

Hey, Livia. Hi. You know what my goal for this year is? No, I couldn't guess if you put a gun to my head. My goal is to get out of the house at least once. Oh my God. I actually think that's a really good goal. I'm going to see like a live show. I think. That's a great idea. Well, guess what? What? We've got the hookup. Okay, we've got the hookup.

With seat geek. What? Yeah. Everyone can use our code, Talk 10, and get 10% off any ticket. Any ticket to any show of any seat geek. You can geek out over any seat in any show. Whether you're a new customer or not. You can do sports.

Yeah, we love that. Concerts. That's great. Festivals. Huge news. You name it. There are so many artists touring right now. Now, Olivia. There's Billy Elish.

Huge deal. Huge. Sabrina Carpenter. Huge deal. Gracie Abrams. Huge deal. And you can get your tickets early with Seat Geek. Each ticket is rated on a scale of 1 to 10 so you can look at the green dots because green means good.

Red means bad. Yeah. And listen, you can take out your phone. You can open the Seat Geek app. There's an app. And you can add the code Talk 10 to your account. And then just use it. And just current ads?

Yes. Oh, it just adds. Yeah. Great. So what are you waiting for? What are you waiting for? You have to do it now because it's for a limited time only. Yeah.

Okay? Yeah. Put it in now. Put it in now. Talk 10. Talk 10 now. And go see something so fun with Seatge. Yeah.

And then just like go have so much fun. What? There's somebody who we will not name. David Blaine. David Blaine. David Blaine. So it's David Blaine. So it's David Blaine.

So it's David Blaine. What's happened? There's somebody like, It was David Blaine and David Blaine. David Blaine. It's a duo. Two people who were on the internet who had followed us on the internet and we followed them and we looked up to them a lot.

And we just had this, we had just like sold a project we were really excited about. Don't worry. The project is totally done now. So you have nothing to look forward to. You don't have to hate us. It got canceled. Just say it's the Paul brothers. You guys saw the Paul brothers.

Obviously. And obviously we were so wet and squeaking out. I want to make fun of the suicide forest too. You say wet and freaking out? Yeah. I live my life wet and freaking out. So anyway, there were these two people that we were like, oh my God, we were walking back from this meeting.

We were like feeling ourselves. Yeah. We were excited. And then we walked by, we saw them. And I never do this. But for some reason. She doesn't ever do this. And I do it because I'm just like, oh, go.

Like I am in person extremely shy to people. Like when I like meet somebody, I'm like, I do you don't want to talk to me. It's okay. And like, or like I've had the experience so many times of somebody going, are you Olivia? and me going, I'm the other one. I just don't say anything. You describe yourself as the other one? I'm the other one, too.

But I think that's what makes the dynamic good is we're both like, that's the one you want. That's the one you want. Which I think is the other one. But I think that's sweet. And we do have this conversation a lot not to get so off track. Yeah. And I do think it is like a nice thing. But genuinely both of us are like, well, you're the one people like.

We have to watch it sometimes because sometimes we'll be like, oh no, everyone hates me. Yeah. Only like you. We get really self-hating in a bad way. Because everyone gets self-hating. And then when you're two girls, people are always, it's like we have to work so hard to not to be like on the same team. Really? Yeah.

So often people are like, well, there's the one girl that's this and the one girl that's this. And you're like there's the, you know, like, it seems to be more like people are pitting like her against you. People are trying to. And it seems like she's. It seems like she's trying to like make this like weird fight happen between you guys. And like, what? Do you think that she's trying to fuck with me? Zach, can I talk to you?

Yeah. Do you think she's trying to fuck with me? Do you think she's trying to like... She told me that she had to scold you. Oh my God, that's so... For shopping. And she said she was like, I told her all zealous this one time for the minions. But like after that...

And you know, did she tell you she got off to it? Yeah, she said... Well, I could tell. She was wet and freaking out. Hey, guys, I'm like wet and freaking out over here and I have no idea what you're saying. You guys are you saying? I'm wet and freaking out. But anyway, what were we even...

What was I even saying? I don't even remember two girls? You were talking about being shy and talking about. Oh, being shy and talking about. Oh, we walked up to these people and I, and I was like, hey. Oh, hey, we follow each other on the internet. And they looked at us like this and went, we do? They went, okay.

And then I went, oh, sorry. I was like, do we think you guys are great? Sorry. And they waited for us to leave and we left. And it was like the most geniusly humbling thing. Like the way we imitate it is where we go like, oh, we do follow. Okay, awesome. Awesome.

Good. Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, ew. Ooo, ew, ew. Just bug spray? Yeah, it was really. But honestly, like, love that. It was, it was honestly funny. It was funny to come from a place where you're finally feeling like, okay, maybe I'm okay.

It's always funny. And then somebody being like, no. Darling, no. Darling, no. We must scold you now. Yeah. But wait, I'm curious about this. Like, how confident, because there's oftentimes, like, all of us that my memory of a thing will be colored by my essential self-loat.

Right. Right. Heard, heard, heard. Like, do you, is this a situation? Like, how confident are you? I guess this is gaslighting, but like, how confident are you? That this happened and you didn't make it up entirely. No, no, no, no, no, no.

But just that it was like. That bad. Yeah, is it possible that they were just like, oh, we do? And you were like, I think they're, whoever runs their account followed us. Yeah, that's it. So they really were. Yeah, they were like, I don't know. It pickled you guys.

Which is a hundred percent. Which is totally fair. Yeah. But like, we realized it in the moment of like, Like, you have no idea who you are. You personally do not follow it. Now I'm really, it's all over. Oh, we'll tell you after this.

Oh, dude, I would have killed myself. Yeah, that's a celebrity fresh when I was 12. My Justin Bieber was Jermaine Clement. Really? That was like, I would like go to concerts, pretend, like, as a 12 year old, trying to look 18. And like, like, I tried to trap Jermaine Clement into statute. That's correct. I shit you not.

I would go like six hours early and I would stand and wait for someone to be like, oh, this front row seat is just like up for grabs at the speed of a normal ticket or the price of a normal ticket because that's what would happen sometimes. And I would like, I like snuck into an after party. I was like a like clinical stalker. Wow. Specifically, Jermaine Clement. I was like, I'm going to marry this guy. I'm going to fuck him. He is 22 years, three months and 13 days older than me and that's not that bad. And it's like, girl. Is that really the number? That is the number. And I know it because it's imprinted in my blood, not because I just did the math. Just like I know that phrase.

the like coils of your DNA. 100% in my drawers. But anyway, if it was flight of the concords and they were not nice. Sherlock Holmes has a mine palace. You have mine drawers. I have mine drawers. I just have like filing habits.

They're really unorganized. There's just drawers. There's a lot of shit in there, but like I have to. Nothing sparks joy. Nothing sparks joy. No, she has a spark marquis convo that. It sparks nightmare. If we took out of my brain everything that doesn't spark joy, I would be like

lobotomized. Yeah, for sure. Which is fine. For sure. Speaking of which, what do you think I have based on just this interaction? Like psychologically wrong with me. You mean like you want me to diagnose me based on money?

Yeah. She asks all of our guests. Yeah. And no answer's wrong. I have a month until I find out. Yeah. I would say it seems my, the thought I had in my head, truly? Totally.

Okay. We'll talk about it. Let's go. See? The thought I had in my head was like, oh, these. And you are distinct from each other, I'm sure. Sometimes. But there's, energetically, there was.

Like I was like, well, this is someone who is like very, very smart and very sensitive. And so moves at a metronome setting that is like allows a little bit of control and a little bit of armor from because to like actually get in. You have to be moving that fast. Yeah. And also because then like you're sort of racing past the experience of your own hyper sensitivity or something. But I don't know if that's true. at all. This is just like the snap judgment I made in a second. And it's a nice, but for what it's worth, like I, there was no judgment judgment. Like I just was like, oh, that's everyone deals with

their own shyness in a different way. So I was like, oh, you're moving at a tempo. And my guess is like the amount like if this is going to, you know this old ass satellite dishes, those gigantic ones? It's like if you're getting that much information as I imagine you are from both inside and outside, like you're probably like picking up all kinds of radio waves from outside. But then inside, all this stuff happening, to, to, like, actually allow that all to land on you moment to moment to moment, has got to just be like, oh, my fucking God, it's just like, I'm going to get fried because I'm not a satellite dish. I'm just a wee human. See, now, this is such a good response because while it doesn't, it's the first response we've

gotten. No, no, no, it actually resonates ridiculously deeply. But it is, it's the first response we've gotten that isn't like ADHD or like anxiety or like, you know, just a diagnosis. diagnose it. But that was like a therapist diet. Like that was like a therapist telling me. And honestly, very spot on. Really? Do you have interest in like psychology and therapy and stuff? Is that something that you're like, I'm a psychology or I'm obsessed with it. Well, I'm interested in it as an industry of death. It's a, it's a dangerous thing. And psychiatry is an industry of death. I'm a scientist. No, I'm not a scientist. The quiet that fell in the room for a second. You were like, wait a second. As a person who I'm like, you're smart. I was like waiting for it to make sense. I was like, this guy's going to say something. And then I realized it was like, I was like, whatever he said, I probably am going to listen to it very, like, very intentional. I don't know if it still exists. They had that, like, psychiatry industry of death.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I've seen, I've been there. My father's a therapist and he wanted to go in there and, like, dick around. And I was like, dad, no. No. You almost got taken by the Scientologists. Yeah. It was crazy. Really?

Yeah. Well, because I used to, there was like a period of my life where I went to the 24-hour Scientology Center with dates. Like I would go on a date and I'd be like, we should go to the Scientology Center, which is like, Sydney. I think that's funny. And if you were my date, I'd be like this girl, rips. How old were you? Probably like 21. Yeah.

And that feels like. Yeah. And that was my thing. That was like my move of like if we're going to spend more time together, we have to go to the Scientology Center and take the test. Well, because it's like if you can't have fun at the Scientology Center, are you going to have fun like watching a movie? Yeah. Yeah. I was like, this is just going to be fun and we'll do it.

And one time I went with a friend of mine. And his name is Rod, but we gave them fake names. Yeah. And we like went through and we did the whole tour. And then afterward, we like did the tests. And they were telling us stuff that was like, you, these are the things that are wrong with you that you really should work on. And they were very general. It's kind of like that thing where it's like your horoscope.

And yeah, sure. But we were young enough. No offense, mom. No offense. Okay. Don't hear that. It's okay. And we were like young enough and impressionable enough that we were like, that is wrong with me.

And I probably should buy the workbook. And like, we were like really getting into it. And then we had given them fake names and numbers, so we weren't really worried about them, like, coming after us anyway. We went home and my roommate was like, okay, you guys need to stop. We're watching going clear. So we walked. Because you were like really in the kind of. Because we were, we went to like coffee or something afterward.

And we both were like, I don't think it's that crazy. And then he was like, oh my God, thank you for saying that because I don't think it's not crazy. That is so scary. That is the scariest story. And then I feel bad for outing. I'm sorry, Rod. But we were both like, well, they were both 21. We were both having children.

The thing is, I think everyone is allowed to be 21. As long as they don't like commit a crime that totally ruins everyone's life forever. And we did that later, but not this time. You did that this time. You did that this year, which is better because I'm 30 now. Exactly. You were like Madoff's kind of like behind the scenes. Yeah.

That was my whole thing. I went to when in the New York, when I lived in New York, the subways, they would have you do these stress tests. Someone told me, you hold these metal. They have me. And they say, if you hold them, you let them go gently. It will, your stress reader will go down and you'll have like owned the Scientologist. So I did it.

And the woman was asking me questions in the subway and I was releasing my hands. And she was like, she went, you seem like you're in pretty good shape. Like, like, I think you're okay and have a good day. And that was it. And I was like, and she was so nice. And to be fair, only Scientologists I've met out in the world, like as actual people, very nice. Yeah, I'm sure. And like fun to be around. Love that for them. Yeah. I wouldn't want. Most people are. Yeah. That's nice. Yeah. Nice take. Most people are nice. No, most I think most people are

like, like, you know, you hear like crazy. Like, for example, everyone makes fun of like Mormons and stuff. So many of my closest friends are raised Mormon, ex-Mormon or currently Mormon. And I'm like, you're great. So I don't know. Yeah. It's like, we have an ex-Morman friend here. Next one right there. Hey. Hey. But yeah, it's just like anything that people make fun of, it's like, I'm sure there are people in that group that are like fucking chill and like, you're fine.

Yeah. Still, I wouldn't want you to be. Right. I'm very glad you didn't go because then my life would be way harder. And yours would too. Yeah. The end of the story essentially is by the time Rod and I were both like, yeah, this is crazy and we probably shouldn't go into that.

Rod did get a call from somebody being like, hey, Rod, we know you visited recently. Oh, fuck. Like a fake name. Yeah. We're like, we know you visited recently and we would love for you to like come back and blah, blah, blah. And he's like, how the fuck? That's scary. So that's the part that's crazy.

One thing that I think, you know, might be a good idea to do is just. Oh, we should get our ad. Yeah, we should just get it out of the way. Here's the thing. Zach, you were so, so, so kind to come on this podcast. Okay. The thing about Zach is that A, unbelievably nice to come to. No, literally the nicest ever.

Truly. What the fuck. And even so much nicer to like, I don't know if you know this, but like we have been having problems getting like sponsorships for this podcast because of who we are inherently. Yeah. I heard that. My account balance. You like curse in the first like.

We cursed in the first like 60 seconds. And we often. My account balance is low. Yeah. We say a lot of things that are like this shouldn't be a sponsorship at all. But it was so nice of you to bring sponsorships. No. I think that like the fact that you used your big Hollywood connections to get us some some sponsorships

with some companies that you feel really close with and that you resonate with. I don't recall what they were, but I do know that I definitely did that. You did do it. And we're really grateful for it. So let's just go ahead and get these ad reads out of the way. Okay, cool. So then, yeah, we can just go. And once again, thank you so much for upping the value of our podcast by doing this.

Of course. I don't. Again, I know that I did that. But I just can't recall. You're the Hollywood elite and for getting us these Hollywood elite sponsorships. My pleasure. Just like really am eager to hear. Yeah.

Me too. I haven't read this yet. So, oh, this is great. Okay. The first company is the BBC. Oh, my God. The BBC sponsors. Okay, that's great.

Yes. That's amazing. We love the news. We love the British. We love it. Oh, wait. Okay, hold on. So it's, sorry.

So it's not, okay. Billionaires back rub club. So what is that, Zach? I'll give you one guest based on the name. Sure. Yeah, right. You know, it's like billionaires have backs too. Right.

Yeah. And they love friction, just like poor backs. Right, right. And so at a certain point, you got to just like smear, you know, grease up and give them what they need. Oh, there's a statement. Oh, here's the mission statement. Oh, okay. I should just read that, yeah.

The billionaire's backrub club provides, you can say it with me, guys of all ages, the opportunity to pay to give an oil deep, deep tissue back massage to a billionaire of his choice. Yeah. So it's boys get to choose. So the boys have to pay to. Because that's the other thing. It's like boys. Yeah.

Well, boys. Why do they have to pay to rub the billionaire? A lot of times, like, the way our education system set up is not for boys. It's for girls. And it makes me so angry because they have to stay in their chairs. They don't get enough recess. They can't express themselves physically. Right.

So what's the solution for that? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. You know what I mean?

Right. Right. Okay. I guess there's a testimonial. So why don't you just read it? I think you should be able to use charter school funding for it. Yeah. Right.

Isaac Woods, very famous Hollywood actor, goes without saying, still have the burning desire to pleasure billionaires through long, oily back massages. I only had to pay $20,000 to put extra virgin olive oil on the neck and back of Mark Zuckerberg. And that experience will be in my spank bank for the next three to five years. What an incredible use of my VEP and Silicon Valley money. Yeah, I mean, I would never endorse a product that I haven't myself used. So that was, you know, it was nice for, I'm not going to say it wasn't nice for me. Did you guys like make eye contact at any point? Well, it's a back rub, so I had to kind of lean around to catch his eyes.

Right. Did it work? You think I'm not going to lean around? I kind of assumed you did that. Oh, my God. Okay. Well, I wanted to breathe in his essence, and it's hard to get, you know, the back of the head is not a great essence. Right, right, right.

Right. I got to say, I didn't really think you were this kind of guy. Yeah, I got to say this is kind of a shitty. No, it's fine. No, it's good. I'm sorry. I just thought you were going to bring in like athletic greens or. No, no, no, no, no, it's fine.

Athletic greens? You thought I was that kind of guy? Yeah, I thought you were that kind of guy. I mean, Athletic Green's is pretty normal. What is Athletic Green? It's just like a normal sponsorship for a podcast. You think I have any adjacency to health or wellness? Let's just go to that.

You're a big billionaire. Sorry. I'm not. I'd like to rub it back. It doesn't mean I'm a big billionaire. Okay. We should move on before you get canceled. This is good.

This is good. Okay. The YMCA. We love the YMCA. Okay. No, that's great. Oh, no. Oh, they were bought out. So, who bought them?

Mitt Romney. Okay. Okay. So the YMCA NRA. He's now the YMC NRA. Yes, young man's Christian National Rifle Association. This kind of sucks. Yeah, I don't know about the is, oh, wait.

What does that mean? You know, you're, okay. When you say it sucks, what are you saying? I don't know. I just kind of feel like our vibe on our podcast is not very this. Yeah, I don't know. I just think you brought in all these sponsorships. Is this ageist?

Because you want old men to be included? Or middle age men? The acronym gets so long. M. A. A. Y. M.

Maconara. Young, old men and middle-aged men and young men. It's ridiculous. Young is a state of mind. It's not an age. You could be 80 years young. Come to the shoot guns with Christ. Yeah.

Okay. So that's, that's, yeah, that's fair, I guess. I guess you can read your testimonial now. I'll read it. Of course. Isaac Woods, love the YMCNRA, because I think it's very important for everyone of all ages to play with guns, even baby.

Even baby? Even baby, singular? Young. Who is the most young? Baby. Baby. I guess baby. I guess baby.

That's, yeah, this is, that's pediatrics. Okay. That's just pediatric. This is America and everyone has the constitutional right to be unsafe. That's true. And by the way, I'm not saying they have to. If they don't want to do this, they could easily pay 20K to rub. That's true.

Mark Andresen's, uh, um, sacrum. You can do, you can do one or the other. You can't do. You either have to do this or you have to rub a sacrum and that's kind of it. Okay, well, this was kind of disappointing, but at the same time, why is it disappointing? I just feel like we just didn't expect you to be this kind of guy. We don't know. We don't know, expect you to be like a give guns to baby guy.

It's kind of like a don't meet your hero's situation. Yeah. I'll tell you something that happened with me and my brother and my father when I was a kid. Yeah. Tell us. My father and I kept getting in fights. Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight. And at some point, my father was like, what is going on?

Why do you keep getting in these fights? And I said, I know. No, I just know what he's going to do. I'm going to say this, then he's going to do that thing. He always does, blah, blah, blah. And my father said, Zach, the second you have a story about what someone is going to do, that relationship is effectively over because you will replace the actuality of who they are with your narrative, whether or not what they're doing even adheres to your narrative, you will be seeing your own confirmation bias instead of seeing the other person.

If someone can't surprise you, you no longer have a relationship with that person. Wow. So what I'm saying is you had a story for me about me, about who I was, athletic greens, et cetera, et cetera. Don't like young men, don't like backs, don't like guns. I just got to clarify that's not the things we thought, but continue. And so now here we are. And you're acting disappointed, but I guess what I would encourage you to do is accept the joyful surprise of a disrupted narrative. Yeah, I don't know if this is a joyful surprise, but it definitely is a surprise.

I thought you were going to say in that story that your dad was like, at the end of the day, use guns. Oh, he had a gun in my mouth the whole time. Oh, got it. Well, that makes sense. Well, that was his way of, he was not, they were not strict parents, but they, that's because. But they put the occasional gun in your mouth. His love language was firearms. That's what it was.

And it was just more to get my attention. It wasn't to do anything else. But he had it. And he said, Zach, you know, when you have a story. And then he'd sort of enunciate with the. Because of course he wants to surprise you. Yeah. And, you know, he's also from a generation where that, that's fine.

A lot of, you know, for them, it was like his dad put a musket in. his match. Right, right. It really gives a whole new meaning to pulling trig. Beautiful. We do have one sponsor we brought. We do have one more sponsor. We really, yeah. We were able to capitalize off your name and finally get a sponsor. So we're actually really excited for our first real sponsor. Okay. Okay. So, okay. Our podcast, Sitel of a talk show is sponsored by fentanyl. We love it

It's just the chemical It's just fentanyl We think it's good It's the new Advil It's really good for you Use it recreationally And there's a slogan You can do that one

Sure, yeah no problem Phentanol Cullen Do More Okay thank you so much For helping us with those ad reads I have a question So you have posted some stuff

about what? The American Girl Dolls. Yeah. Oh yeah. Can we get into this a little bit? Yes. Explain your thing with American Girl.

When I was a kid, my father, who's coming up a lot. Put a gun in my mouth. Yes, exactly. You like American Girl Doll. I said you are my American Girl Doll. Okay. Your name is Felicity. My father and my mother would read American Girl Doll books to my sister who had a Samantha

doll. And I would often eavesdrop on my. And they would read her. They read her Little House on the Prairie. I would listen to that. Little Princess, I listened to that. They would also read to me. But I just like being read to, I guess.

And they really stuck with me because the range of experiences represented in those books is like, I was canoeing in a storm. Like, it's like there was a, it was too humid on my canoe trip, but I persevered. And then it's like Addy, the like slave who was like sold away from her family. And like, it's just so you really don't know what level of like traumatizing realism you're going to get. There's like a girl who's like, I'm Swedish and that's kind of fun. And then there's another girl who's like, I'm the Pearl Harbor doll. Yeah. It's kind of, it's really awesome.

There's the one that Roller's Gates and then there's the one who's an actual slave. Yeah. It's crazy. But we used to write for American Girl doll. No fucking way. Yeah. So when we saw that, we were like, oh, boy. You used to write for American Girl.

American Girl Doll does TikToks where they're all like, um, this is the, I'm going to brush my horse challenge. And we were like, I guess I'm going to brush my horse challenge. Yeah. So sometimes we would just like get paid to be like, I'm going to brush my horse challenge. You would make up the challenge? We would make up just scripts. We would just write the scripts for these American Girl Doll TikToks.

And then they're like the dolls are stock motion doing things. And we have their own account where the dolls do stuff. I haven't seen that. Oh, yeah, they do it all. They do it all. The dolls, dolls show all. Easy. You guys are not going to, you're going to lose your one sponsorship.

You're going to lose fentanyl. You're going to be like, we don't want to be associated with those girls. The specific. Yeah, I'll say. Yeah, here we go. Yeah, it's pretty nuts. It's, we do, you guys should keep paying us. 1922.

Can I, is it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, we can see it? Yeah, you can click on. So that's the one I wrote it just like that. I was like that's slower than you talk. I wrote the one that's like, Wait, that's so crazy.

What is this? This is the one I wrote. All I'm seeing is like women, Harlan Howard University, earn a pilot's license. What the fuck is this? And then also, you can tell it's not that because all the comments would be like, What happened here?

Right. Sometimes we would write, you know, we would write something we didn't know was a problem into one of the scripts. Like, we would be like, then Felicity brushes her horse. And we'd get a note that was like, no, you cannot have Felicity brush or horse. Why? Because she has slaves. And then we were like totally. But we didn't give her slaves.

It would be the kind of thing. Felicity has slaves? They would be like, they would get mad about things they had created in the past, but they would put it on us. That's amazing. Felicity canonically has slaves. Her parents are slave owners. Wait a second. Which one's Felicity?

Felicity is the one who goes like, that sort of becomes the byline, doesn't it? Yeah. It sort of eclipses the other stuff. Yeah, I guess I was going to say she's the one with the horse, but I think yours Trump's that. There's multiple with the horse and there's one with slaves. Wait, what does she look like? You want beautiful, stunning, gorgeous and young.

Thank you so much, dad. She's like gorgeous and young. And she, do you remember the American Girl doll music? that they would do at the American Girl All Place. Did you ever go to the cafe? Oh, my God. Oh, God. We got to go.

Great. I'm here. Okay, here's Felicity. Oh, right. I remember this doll. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And she had slaves? I'm pretty sure.

Her parents do, but. But let's be honest. But I mean. Are we really letting her off the hook? Yeah, because I'm not. It's not great. Okay, because I'm not. But she does have the best song in the musical.

What is the song? Fly, like the ways. Don't want don't want. Don't you see. It's a really good song. You're right. That's the best song in the musical. The lyrics are beautiful.

What is it again? I don't know, guys. I really liked that song. I guess the question is... She's concussed while she's singing. We figured that it would be a really good time for you to pitch. Like, we can all talk about what we think the girl of the year should be. You know American Girl Dolls does a girl of the year.

You guys know a lot more. I thought I knew a lot about it, but I know. No, no, no. We all together have the most... of anyone in the world. We're experts, I think. So what is it? There's a girl of the year.

Every year. They're like, this is jazz. She loves tap. And she loves her dog. And then it's like, she's the girl of the year. So it'll be like, oh my God, the two- Yeah, there's summer. Hi, I'm summer.

She loves her dog and she loves rainbow or something. And she's a great baker. Like the 20-25 doll because that's so 20-25 when you think about it. Yeah. But like, for example, if there was like a 2001 doll of the year, it would be like, She saw 9-9-11. And she loves her phone. She loves her phone.

Yeah. Does she have a phone? The 9-11 doll does have like a little computer. The 9-11 doll exists? Yeah, look up. She's a truther. Yeah, look up. Wait, the 9-11 doll exists?

Yeah, look up. What's her name? She looks like me when I was unattractive as a child. Wait, the 9-11 exist? Yes. Look up, yeah. There she fucking is. No.

Wait, what? That fucking furt. The second one right here. Wait, what? I didn't realize there was actually a $1-11. Whoa, 2001. Oh, wow. She got a scooter.

She was the first scooter. girl in the year. It says. Lindsay. I like you're going to say she was the first girl to see 9-11. She was the first girl to see 9-11 ever. And she has a scooter. Yeah. Again, it is one of those things where, like, the fact that she witnessed 9-11 does kind of out-out-out-way the scooter. What do you think the doll of the year this year would be? I think the doll of the year this year is going to be like a MAHA girlie, like an RFK Make America Healthy again, girly. It's like, I drink my own urine. I only... date guys who do semen retention and I like love raw milk and I hate vaccines. Yeah. And that's, and she has an

Instagram account as her prop. That's great. She has, what else does she have? Her name's like, your, Kraylin. K-R-E-I-H-L-Y-N-N. Yeah. Yeah. For sure. I kind of think we could also have a doll of the year that's like, she's afraid to get on a plane. Yeah, very valid. She's, Just like an FAA cut stall. She doesn't want to get on a plane. Newfound flight anxiety. She's never had it before. And now she's literally asking her doctor for all the meds before her Delta flight.

100%. She doesn't want to go to her friend's bachelor parties? No. No. Oh, because you have to fly to your friends. A lot of the time. A lot of the time. There's a lot of pressure on the party.

A lot of money. A lot of money for a friend to get married. Yeah, people get married and you are spending your money out on it. Oh, yeah. What's another good American girl? American Girl doll for the year. I was just, I, this is, yeah. I just had this image of like a young doll with like an old face.

Like a dolly. Like so stressed that they've aged. Yeah. Like they're like under her eyes. Yeah. She's like a 10 year old with gross feet. He's like so aged. Yeah.

And just kind of like, yeah, like salo and just like slightly hunched. And she keeps saying you guys got to do your research. She's like, she's like, desassociating core. Yes. Yeah. Exactly. I do think we need an American girl doll that's a dougar. Yeah, I think that makes.

So many duggers. Just statistically, it's likely that one of them would be. There's got to be one American girl doll that's a d'all. Maybe like a Georgina with a J. Yeah, yeah. Or like something like that. Yes. My first best friend was a, I would say born again Christian, but he was a small child because we're young.

But their family was born. My first best friend was a small child. I was also And but it was interesting because like they I would go to their house and we were like secular Jews who would swear and stuff and I remember being at their house

and saying we were playing Atari and I made a mistake and I said God damn it and his mom just like blanched like was just like could not fathom how like a child could even like know that or say that and seemed really just like totally crestfallen And over time, the best friend's father befriended started basically the families became friends. And then at some point, I think it maybe got awkward because they thought we were going to go to hell.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. That is so awkward. Yeah. That is awkward when you're hanging out with your family friends and you're like, oh, you're going to go to hell. Yeah, I will say that is like such an awkward part of like growing up and like, you know. As a sinner. As a sinner.

It's such an awkward part growing up as a sinner. When I grew up, when I was a child, and I still am. Yeah, Sid didn't just hatch this morning. Yeah. She did not hatch this morning. I thought you're 3D printed. I know. I'm 3D printed.

She's a real girl and we have known each other for very long. Yeah, yeah. No, I am real. And when I was a child, I was Jewish. I'm still Jewish. Yes. But you're not still a child. But I'm not still a child.

Okay, and that's fucking crazy. That's crazy. And yeah, I remember like going to church with my friends. as like a, like, this is like what you do after the sleepover. Yes. I hated that shit. And I was raised with no religion. My dad escaped Catholicism.

And so when I would sleep over a religious friend's house and we'd have to go to church in the morning, it would be like a nightmare. Like I always felt like I was, I always had this feeling of like, I'm not allowed here and nobody knows it. Yeah. Anyway, I know. No, no. You're saying.

No, I just remember like going and there being kind of a thing of like, yeah, if you don't do this, you're going to go to hell. And me being like, you wanted me to sleep over at your house still? Yeah, yeah, right. Like you wanted to hang out even though I'm going to help. You were asleep in the house I was in. Yeah, yeah. You think I'm a haunted child.

Yeah, I probably wouldn't want to have like a sleepover with a haunted child. No. Even as an adult. Even as an adult, I wouldn't want to have a sleepover with a haunted child. Would you agree or disagree? As an adult would I have a- Sleepover with a haunted child? No, I don't want to have a sleepover with a haunted child.

But thank you. Thank you, guys. Guys, I knew he was a feminist. I knew he was an ally. Big time. Again, if you come, there's just so much Vagin still in my house. On game day, pain can hit hard and fast. Like the headache you get when your favorite team and your fantasy team both lose.

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I was walking around Greenwich. This is going to sound like such a masturbatory story, but I do think it's interesting. So I'm going to just tell it. I think you should tell it. Okay. I was walking around Greenwich Village and there's all those brownstones that's kind of like, what's a Kerry Bradshaw kind of style. And you're thinking, like, I was just like,

Who lives in these beautiful, gigantic? How many people with like $30 million to burn are there and who are they? And I was looking through the window of one of them, not like pressed up, but just like glancing. You walk by. Exactly. No binoculars. No binoculars. No, yeah, no like cat burglar mask.

Yeah. And I. No big sack of money. No, I did have a big sack of. Were you going like this? I kept, I just kept licking others and then putting on more chapstick and then licking it off and putting on more chapstick. Nice. You seemed really normal.

Yeah, it was Jasmine colored. But then I looked in the window and there was the TV on and my face was on the television. That's so funny. So I was like, who lives here? And then I looked and saw my own face looking out from this apartment that I will never be able to afford. And they were looking at me looking at it was just like, it was like Russian dolls. Did they see you outside or no? No, I don't think so.

This wasn't you on TV. This was live footage of you outside of their TV. This is their security camera. Yeah. And they were watching you watch them. I mean, what else do you do? Like, you know. And they were masturbating.

When I said it was masturbatory. I meant they were masturbating. To the ring camera of my face looking into their windows with my binoculars and cat and really. And that's my favorite ring camera of a commercial. Yeah. I did at the Super Bowl. I loved that one.

Isn't it crazy that they did a real commercial at the Super Bowl where someone jacked off to their own ring camera footage of someone spying on them. Yeah, it was so crazy that they did that in real life. I hope you got so much money for that commercial. I mean, for just the IPA, they recast it, obviously. You could maybe afford another back massage. At least one. Yeah.

Okay, listen, we've taken up so much of your time. Yeah, it's nice. However, we're going to do one more bit with you just because it's like fun. Can you imagine? Can you imagine it's fun? I don't have to imagine. Can you imagine? This is a game that Olivia and I play a lot in the car on road trip.

Yeah. But we kind of thought, why- How many road trips do you guys go on? We go on a lot of trips. We've taken very romantic trips together and tried to fall in love. It didn't when it's not working. Yeah. I think it's working.

Okay. I know, I think we're soulmates platonically. Yeah. But I haven't been able to cross the sexual barrier. Oh, that makes sense. Because we've known each other too long and it feels like I look at her and I see the person I first met who was 14. Right.

And I look at myself and I see that too. It's discouraged. Yeah. I think there's something about you guys that makes me think of, you know, like identical twins where they have. Yeah, and how they are always asked for threesomes, but they should always say no. That's exactly what I was going to do. Yeah. No, I had a therapist told me this thing once where she was like, what do you, what most people want from another person is to have their own experience reflected in like a very immediate way and to be able to feel seen and known and everything.

And she's like with identical twins to look into a face that is essentially. your face and have them so attuned to you from like before you even existed in the world as people is like such an intense and rewarding experience that it becomes very strange and difficult for some some to then like romantic partnerships can feel anticlimactic because you're like I already and my I heard this crazy story about this woman who's older woman her identical twin died someone at the funeral heard her look down at her and go I was thought we were going out together. That's heartbreaking. Oh, my God. That's crazy, right? And looking at your own face, essentially. Oh, God.

That's wild. Yeah. Oh, man. I went in that story that you just told, I went from wanting an identical twin really bad to now not wanting one. Yeah. And you took me on the whole arc. Well, I pitched that as a commercial for the Super Bowl. Yeah.

For what product? Identical twins. It was for Athletic Greens. Right. Athletic Greens, watch your twin die. I wish it was you. It's a whole short film about watching your twin die, and then at the end it's just athletic greens. She'd still be alive.

Put the powder in your, like, water or something. Or something. I don't know. Not too much. That's so awesome. I do think that if you wanted to ever change careers, you could be such a therapist. An identical twin. You could be such an identical twin.

Oh, I don't think it's that lucrative anymore. Really? Being an identical twin? Oh, my gosh. The Andrews sisters or whatever, those days are gone. Right. There is something old timely about you guys, too. We're vaudevillian.

Yeah, well, we were frozen in amber. hundreds of years ago. It feels like like... We're encased. Like, yeah, like, uh, vaudeville. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, I think that makes sense with like the stuff we would like and stuff. Yeah. You know, you're kind of vaudevillian too. Really?

Yeah. It's nice. I like vaudeville. I know. You do have like an old timey sensibility in a like good way. In like a haunted face. In like a haunted way. No.

And like a, it feels like you are like a taunted person. Like you could have been. Like, it feels like you could have stepped through the wall just now. Famous is the one constant, though. Definitely famous. You're, like, definitely famous in both times. You're definitely famous. I don't know.

Talented, but. Absolutely dead. But, like, arbitrarily sort of. But definitely, like, people are like, okay. Like, wafted towards the de-list in any time, any era. Okay, guys, sorry. This is a segment. This is a game that Olivia and I play in the car a lot.

It's called Cancel Them. Music. Cut the music. Cut the music. Okay, this is a game where we try to. I'm so sorry. It's so loud. I know.

This is a game where we try to cancel characters, things, things that are like beloved that are pretty hard to cancel. And we try to find ways that you can cancel them. It's very fun. And it's like a fun game to play at home like with your friends. 100%. Okay. Are you ready?

Are you ready to cancel some things, people and stuff? Uh-huh. Okay. It's time to cancel. Baby Yoda. Shoplifter? Shoplifter. Shoplifter?

He's culturally appropriating Franciscan attire. Oh, my gosh. God, that's a monk's outfit. And God help him. If he's not a Jesuit, he should be fucking canceled off the face of planet. If he's not a Jesuit, or whatever it is. And that's a great question for him. Is he a Jesuit?

Yeah, I guess the biggest question of the day is, is Baby Yoda a Jesuit? I mean, he's into education, so maybe, but it's hard to know. We should give him a call. Yeah. Okay, great. And next is Elmo. You know this guy. Oh, Elmo.

Wait, Elmo was literally canceled. Was he? The voice of Elmo was canceled. Wait, why? Why was he? He had some sort of. of untoward sexual history. Shit.

That's real. Elmo sexual history. I didn't know that. You knew that, right? I know Barney got canceled. Barney got canceled. Oh, yeah, Barney got canceled. Well, the voice of Elmo was canceled, but Elmo wasn't canceled.

Well, here's what I'll say. If the voice of Elmo is canceled, then now Elmo is silent and silence is violence. Silence is violence and Elmo should have spoken up. Wow. Elmo, the puppet, should have spoken up about this guy. His voice. Yes. Almost just snitched on his own voice.

Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, he's cleared. Oh. It says, well, the highlight, the highlight, the headline is Elmo puppeteer Kevin Clash cleared of sex. Oh, no. It's missing the case because of the statute of limitations.

Oh, sorry. I take back my clapping. Elmo, silence is violent. Silence is violent, Elmo. Speak up, honey. Speak up, honey. Speak up honey. Okay.

Curious George. You know him. I'm too curious. He's a monkey. Too curious. invasive, George, really. He's really invasive, George. He's really just like, the thing.

Tell me about when you were molested. He's like, buddy. He's asking people on the, he's, what it is is he has so much contact with people on the internet without checking for a fact that they are over 18. He's just like one of those guys who talks to every fan. He talks to every Instagram account that DMs him. He's always DMing on his phone. And like, he's also always bringing binoculars with him places.

And it's like, when he's always painting with his red hand. Also the man in the yellow hat Can we go to the man in the yellow hat? Yeah, let's talk about him That guy's in the Ku Klux Klan I mean He just washed his thing with like A yellow sock

And he's not wearing his face mask But look at that outfit Oh yeah, no, that's the right silhouette That's oh no and he's hiling Oh shit Oh yeah look at that Yeah that is not good Wow he put the red suspenders on

Because he wanted to distract us from the hile But like honey we know We know what you're doing In skinhead culture in England, suspenders delineate, like, which, which skinhead you are? Which kind of skinhead? Like, if you're a racist skinhead or a punk skinhead? Exactly. Wow.

Which one's which do you know? I assume based on this, that the Reds are. The Red is bad. The Red is probably bad. Yeah, it's not good. Yeah. You know that there are racist skinheads and it's like, that's. And that they like use the same.

They're like, okay, how do we keep each other apart? Right, right, right. Yeah, it's like, they must have had like a meeting to be like, guys, how are we going to do this? We're the non-racist ones who like punk music. They had like a town hall meeting. Yeah, and it's really weird. You're like, how are we going to do this guys? Yeah, we just want to go to punk shows in like, mosh.

And they're like, cool, no, no, no, we just want to be really bad. And they're like, we're like, we're bad. No, no, you guys want to mash. We want to be really bad. Are we going to do this? How do we delineate? Suspenders. Okay, punk satanee Phil.

This is the groundhog who predicts the weather, as you know. Oh. He literally is a government weather control machine. Yeah, that's such a good point. He does control the weather. Okay, so cancel him for. controlling the weather. Look at that guy. I will have to say, like, that guy is, looks really unhappy to be there, too. He looks really upset. Well, he isn't a beautiful plexiglass cylinder. If, Sid, if you put me in a beautiful, dirty, plexiglass cylinder like that, which I do. I would be so stoked. Yeah, I'm sure. Oh, look at the scream. Oh, I like his scream.

His scream is good. Yeah, I guess it's just that he's, he's like a government. Yeah, he's just like, he's just a shill. Yeah, he's just a shill. He's just a shill. He's a shill. He's a shill. He's a shill. He's a shill. He controls the weather. What's it say? Cobbler's knob? Yeah, just classic cobblers knob. That's porn. He was in Cobbler's Knob, which is about a shoemaker's knob.

Tallywacker. Right. Weenis. And all the groundhogs and woodland creatures come in and suck and fuck and they cobble it. It's like elves and he wakes up and he's like, it's like the shoemaker's elves. It's like, how did I come so hard? And it's like, he doesn't know that there are all these. He doesn't know.

Welcome to gobbler's knob, Punksetani. Gobbler's knob? Come on. Gobbler's knob is an insane. These people are canceling themselves. What is that? Cobbler's knob is nothing, but it sounds like, okay, maybe you're talking about shoes. Gobbler's knob is just porn. Yeah, that's just gobble my knob.

Cancel the concept of grandma. Oh. Nepotism. Wow. That's true. That's nepotism. That's nepotism. Yeah.

Wow. You're going to give all of your vulnerable information to this person just because of they're your parents' mom? Oh, wow. You're going to get to exist genetically because someone gave birth and then someone else gave birth. That's insane. It's not merit based even a little bit. No, it's not merit based.

You're alive, not even based on your own merit. No. No. There's no application process. Who happens to be your grandmother gave birth to someone who gave birth to you. And it's anti-diversity if you think about it. Oh, it's so true. It's so it.

It's so. Because whatever your grandma was, at least some of it. And that's just like, okay, can't we get new? Yeah, can't we get new here? Yeah, can't we get new? Yeah. Okay, are you ready to cancel oxygen? Oh, yeah.

How come it's in a polygamous relationship with hydrogen? Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Where it's like two, it needs two hydrogens for each of itself to make water. You know what that is called? You know what that's called? What? Monopoly.

Monopoly. Monopoly amory. And I know this because it was one time recommended to me. And I said, I hate that idea personally. That sounds awful to me. Now, here's what I want to say about monopoly. Now, if you're doing monopoly and you love it, I love that for you. If you're doing monopoly, I don't care.

Have so much fun. Whatever, I don't care. We're not doing it together. Okay, don't be mad at me. The idea of monopoly where one person's like, I get to be poly and you don't get to be. You are monogamous. It's actually just pronounced monopoly. Monopoly.

And the problem with that is one person wins in monopoly. So you can't do. Can I just ask? Yes. What if the one person is like, doesn't want it? Like, do you believe? there's a scenario in which, you know... I do believe that there's a scenario

where monopoly can work for people. I am not a person that it could work for. Yes. But I also believe... This is the thing I pitched to Olivia knowing she shouldn't be doing it because it's not something she will want. But I will say, I will say,

I think if someone is more on the ace spectrum, like if... Ace is asexual? Yeah, I think if one person is like, I'm a little more ace and it doesn't bother me that you aren't and the other person's like, I'm a sex fiend, I think it could work with that.

I think if the, I think it's like, really anything can work if two people are consenting, but my friend Olivia doesn't want that. That's a hundred percent. A good sentence. But yeah, no, monopoly. It's just pronounced monopoly if you look at the word. That's cool. They say monopoly, but it's monopoly.

It is the word monopoly. It's very fun. Yeah. The day that Olivia told me about that, I was like, that's the word monopoly. It's until this moment to realize what you were saying. Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Are we ready to cancel rice? No, so homogenized. Lots of group think. White rice. Lots of like, lots of like, oh, you're just, you're just agreeing with that because that person. Yeah. Because it's just so many of you and you're all the same.

Yeah, they all have the same. All the same thoughts, no thinking into things. Yeah, the consensus of rice. Gringially white. So. Ringially white, yeah. They said like white on rice. Like hashtag rice so white.

Rice so white. Yeah. Oh, hashtag rice so white. And I mean, listen, there's brown rice and there's fried rice. It also takes so much water. It uses so much water, much like AI. Much like AI. Now is a segment called, we're going to use a lot of water.

Rice takes up a lot of water, just like AI. It takes up 50 milliliters of water to answer one question or prompt. Wow. And rice doesn't even answer your prompt. No, it just sits there like a fucking loser. Okay. Cancel Malala. Oh, no.

Malala? I mean. The most uncancelable person. Now this person is a hero. Now this person is an absolute hero. This person is beloved and he's a hero. Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to do this.

This will work. I'm going to make up a rumor. Oh, that's good. Because that can cancel someone that Malala shops at Sheehan. I mean, because that's not that bad in this case, but it's also something people could totally get canceled for. And it's also like Malala, you do have your book deal money. Right. We can shop.

It's also very appropriate to assume someone's financial situation when you don't know them when we're like canceling someone for shopping at Sheehan. Yeah, it's my favorite thing to do. A lot of people don't know that her name is an acronym for Make America Lame Again. Ladies, am I right? Wow. That's so true. And like a lot of people don't know that. And so it's like a kind of terrorism if you think of it.

Yeah, when you think about it. Wow. Ladies, am I right? Am I right being one word? Also the idea of being like, ladies, let's make it lame. Am I right, ladies It's time to get all lame up in here That was hard. It's hard to cancel Malala

So hard to cancel her Pretty much undisputed hero I know right Anyway Malala if you're watching this Come on the podcast girl You should come clear up these rumors I heard Jesus Christ

We make up rumors and then go You should really clear these up on our podcast That's how we get people on the podcast We make up awful rumors about like good people And then feel like You're gonna come on this up Really, really you should talk about it. You can find Zach Woods all over the place on the internet.

If you look up Zach Woods, that's his name. You can find him under his name on the internet. Imagine. Imagine that. And the internet, let me tell you right now, you're using it to watch this podcast. So just open another tab and Google that. And until next time, find out whatever you can. Hey, hey.

Thank you for watching. Thank you for listening. You can always do that more. We come out with a new episode every Tuesday. We have a Patreon if you want to support us just for fun. You like to see other things like us doing Q&As and drag. Why don't you go there, ha ha? We have a patron.

We have cameos. We have all this. Shit. Oh. And until next time, we'll see you next Tuesday, please frame.