Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - Reading Our Smutty Fanfiction

Episode Date: May 19, 2026

Big thanks to Christa, ImCuntieee, and TrashRaccoon for writing this amazing fanfiction! Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial today at https://SHOPIFY.COM/sydandliv Live Show Tickets! https://www.dynastytypewriter.com/calendar-squad-up Remember these episodes now go up a few days early AND with bonus content on Patreon & Fourthwall! https://www.patreon.com/c/syd_and_olivia https://sydandolivia-shop.fourthwall.com/ Chapters: 0:00 | Intro + Syd & Olivia Live! 2:13 | Italy Stories 6:45 | Patreon Fanfictions 9:20 | Syd & Olivia's Fanfiction 11:13 | Ch. 1 - Counseling Sesh with Taylor Swift 20:18 | Ch. 2 - The Drive Home 21:23 | Ch. 3- Syd & Olivia Overthink 31:23 | Fanfiction for Kassem 38:12 | Uptown Funk Parody 39:48 | Kassem meets Bigfoot 43:06 | Marrying Bigfoot? 48:05 | Outro Listen to the show on the go! Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/2j0iQxY9Pf0h4mXEOFxgmk?si=a95ba3e2a2844ec4 This is a 7equis Network Show Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We went to Europe together and did a bunch of, like, romantic, coupley activities. We even shared a bed for most of the trip and nothing. Right, yeah, I heard about that. Taylor Swift said, crossing one leg over the other in the large armchair she was sitting in, Sid frowned. What? Oh, I binge-watched your podcast in preparation for this session, Taylor explained. So then you know that we're not actually dating, Olivia stated. I'm pretty sure that's a HIPAA violation, Sid said.

I knew it didn't work out in the Swiss Alps, Taylor clarified. I had just assumed you had gotten together since then. And don't even get me started on HIPAA, she said with a small rule of her eyes. I'm not actually a licensed therapist or a medical professional of any kind. So I am not bound to HIPAA, nor can I violate it. That's awesome to know about your therapist. No, that's good to know about Taylor Swift as well. So coming up.

If you miss the last live show, you can totally come see this one. We are doing Sydney Olivia Talk Shit Live in Los Angeles at the Dynasty Typewriter. It's going to be live and live streams. so if you're not in Los Angeles, you can still see it. It's going to be June 5th, Friday, June 5th, at 7 p.m. And our special guest is Miles Bon Senore. He's the perfect person. Wow, we are lucky.

We are so lucky. So join us. It's going to be a really fun time, and we hope to see you all there. Bye. Hi! Wow! Wow, if it isn't the big bad podcast for me. Wow.

If it isn't for me and if it isn't for me. Hello, welcome to sit-delivay-tachsh. I'm the sad one. I'm the Olivia one. Today I'm on so much cough syrup. So if I start talking really loud, it's not even on me. It's on Robitessen. It is on Robitessen. And this week's episode is sponsored by too much Robitessen.

And that's on Robitessen. Okay, I'm on so much Robitessen. Okay, I love that. How do you feel? Literally can't hear anything. Okay, that's kind of fun. I can't hear a word of mine that I'm saying. That's kind of exciting.

I wish that I could do that. Yeah, it's fucking awesome. Because whenever I talk, I love it. whenever I hear myself talk, I'm like, ah! So true. Yeah. How are you? Oh my God, I'm great. We just got back from Europe. We just got back from Europe. What were some of your favorite Europe things?

We went to London. We went to Italy separately because we got a huge fight. Yeah. No, we just went separately because we wanted to go to separate places. Yeah. What were some of your favorite things? Oh, my God, so many things. I accidentally went to a bed and breakfast that was a 30-mile, 30-mile vertical hike. A 30 minute vertical hike up a mountain. And I brought a bunch of luggage and people were laughing at me while I was trying to get it up the hill.

And it was awesome. It was the most stunning thing I've ever seen once I got up there. But like, man, that was stupid. Yeah, I just, I love Italy. I haven't been before. It is just so good. It's the most amazing place. One thing about Italy I didn't like.

What? It was that the people on the street asking for me. money. You don't like when people on the street are asking for many? No, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, you love it? They're all on their knees. What? Yeah.

Which made me feel like, oh, I hate that. Oh, I hate that. Oh, no. Personally guilty. And I also didn't have any euros because I was stupid, so I only had American dollars. I gave people American dollars, but then other people would be like, they can't use that. And I don't know if that's true or not. But yeah, I would say that's the only thing Italy needs to change.

They were on their knees. Yeah. Isn't that devastating? That's so sad. It was like the worst thing. Why were they doing that? I do not know. I do not know. Guys, get up. So don't do that. Yeah. So that was, so I just brought the mood down. Oh my God, that's so sad. Okay, I guess I'll say something happy. Yeah. I saw a dog on a Vespa. Yes. And that's really happy. So good. An old man and his giant horse dog came up to me when I was eating a facacia sandwich. And people in Europe, that's the only other thing I don't love about Europe is people are stingy with their dogs. They are. They bring their dogs around like it's a burden. Yeah. Like they'll be like, like, they'll be like, like, like, oh my God, I wouldn't possibly have my dog look at you. What a terrible thing. And it's like, no, I want the dog's face in my face. Yeah, I've been made fun of in past relationships for saying hi to dogs, but not the owners. But it's like, why on earth would anybody make fun of you for that? I don't know. I don't know. That's literally, when people say hi to my dog and not me, I'm like, that's what, yeah. That's exactly what we should be doing here. But people are like, oh, sorry. And like, they don't let you hang out with her dog. No, I'm just my dog's shadow. Yeah. And, and, but this old man and his dog came up to me and the man pointed at my sandwich. And I ripped off a piece and gave it to the dog. And I ripped off a piece and gave it to the dog. And I. And I. And I ripped off a piece and gave it to And then they both nodded and walked away. And I was like, that's the best interaction I've ever had. Yeah, that's awesome.

An old man just being like, so you're going to give my dog part of your sandwich. And I'm like, of course. Like, this is the first real interaction I've had with a guy who gets how dogs should be interacted. That's incredible. Absolutely. So I loved that. I guess my only problem with Italy was every time I walked into a co-op, they would say, we're closed. Get out.

Yeah. And other people were in the store. Yes. And I was like, that's not true. That's really good. I don't know what is about my house. face, but they were like, no. Not you. Not you with this co-op. And it was any time I went in. Yeah. Multiple co-ops. All of the little old Italian ladies. The biggest self-esteem boost I got in

Italy is I would go into shops alone and there would be other people coming into the shops with me. And the shop owner would turn to the other people and go, hi. And then they'd turn to me and go, Buenos Aires. And I was like, yeah, that's fucking awesome. And then I disappointed them because I don't really speak Italian. Right. Of course. The biggest self-esteem boost I got. Sorry, I'm also still sick. Well, yeah. You guys. We opened this episode with how much robatessen you're on.

But that could have been for pleasure. That's true. The biggest self-esteem boost I got in Italy was I walked into a place where there was an old woman in a room next to the train station who holds your bags for you while you're like doing stuff. And there was no sign being like, this is what this is. But the woman was like, this is what I do. Right. So I left her my bags. I left her my bags and she was chain smoking into a cage with a parakeet.

That's good. That's always good. And watching what I can only describe as like Italian hoarders. Right. And I was like, how much to keep my bag here? And she looked at me and was like 20 euro, which means I think she thought I was rich. Wow. That is a beautiful self-esteem boost. Because really- She clearly made it up. She made it up on the spot. That's way too much money.

I did give it to her because I was like, you're awesome. Yeah. But- She needs to be able to afford another parakeet. Yeah, you need another parakeet to cough on. Yeah. Yeah, it was awesome. Italy is awesome.

I know that's an original thought. Gotta go back. Gotta go back right now. Gotta go back. Gotta go back right now. Yeah. Well, we have something really special planned for this episode. We are going to experience it at the same time you guys are experiencing it for the first time.

We've got so many just lovely souls over on our Patreon. We've got so many lovely souls. Our Patreon is. full of people that I always describe as people I would have loved to be friends with in high school. Why past tense? Why not now? Such a good point. Because I would love to be friends with them now. I would love to be friends with them now and I am. Okay. So, okay, so how about that? Okay. But one of our, one of our dear friends. One of our dear friends on the Patreon. On the Patreon. Shout out to Krista on the paper.

Shout out Krista. So, so one of the things we do is we write insane, over-sexualized, disturbing fan-fictions about each other. That's a thing in our friendship. We're always gifting each other fan fictions. They're really long. They're too long. They're in comic sands, a 14-point font, and they are purposefully disturbing. And we love to do it.

We love to do it. We'll write fan fictions on the Patreon about other people like J.D. Vance and Clippy have a fan fiction. Shout out to Clippy right behind me. Shout out to Clippy. No shout-outs to J.D. Vance. That's no shoutouts. Literally, gun to my head, no shoutouts to Jay.

No shoutouts. Ever. No shout out. But shout out to Clippy, long live clipy. And we've known for a very long time that Krista. From the Patreon. From the Patreon. Shout out.

Shout out to Krista. But no shoutouts to J.D. Vance. Has written us a fan fiction that we have been very excited to read for a very, very long time. We've never read it before. And we are today going to read. this over-sexualized fan fiction about ourselves. Yes. Now, Krista has warned us because we were originally going to do it as a live stream.

And Krista was like, don't do it as a live stream just in case there's parts you might want to redact. Which is awesome. Which is, first off, we love a trigger warning. We love a redaction warning. Is that a thing? Okay. I don't know. Redacted is a dirty term now.

Dirty. It reminds me of bad stuff. No shoutouts. No shoutouts to the. redacted folk. No shoutouts to the redacted folk. Um, but yeah, we're, we are, we are going to read this fan fiction out loud right now. This is a segment called we're reading an over sexualized fan fiction about us, um, for the first time music. Got the music. So right off the bat, this cover is fucking awesome. Yeah, this is this is kind of the best thing I've ever seen. Illustrated by the

trash raccoon, okay, written by Krista, illustrated by the Trash Raccoon, edited by I'm Kuh. It's called I'm only me when I'm with you. Wow. That's beautiful. Isn't that a song? That's this song. Right. Okay.

I look a little bit like a woman out of time. A gorgeous woman out of time. Like a Renaissance woman. You look modern. Yeah. And that's sometimes what happens in a friendship. One person's Renaissance and the other person is modern. Oh my gosh.

Oh my gosh. I'm so scared. Wow. Okay. This is really exciting. You want to read the forward? Yeah. Forward. I wrote this fan fiction because I wanted to explore the implications of Sit and Olivia, quote-unquote, trying to fall in love with each other. Were they serious about that? Did they even know whether they were serious or not? Why didn't it work out? To the best of my knowledge, they also both have boyfriends. How does this factor into all of this? This fanfic asks all of those questions and answers them with my own wild speculation and ill-informed best guesses. I made up fake boyfriends for Sid and Olivia to have in this fick because trying to write about their real personal private relationships that I know nothing about felt too invasive for me. But making them

both single would be lazy writing. It would have been too convenient and not accurate to the lore. Speaking of lore accuracy, I wrote this fan fiction that Olivia identifies as straight. That was most recent information I was able to find, but it was not very recent at all. So the many things she said since then have made me wonder if that's still where she's at. My sincerest apologies to Olivia, if not. Also, I said that Sid is by. I can't remember if Sid actually ever said that or if it's just been implied. Either way, if I'm wrong about that, I'm sorry. Actually, I'm sorry about a lot of what I said in this first. Not sorry enough to not write it, but sorry all the same. Trigger warning for mentions of kinks. Nothing sexual happens, but kinks are mentioned.

Good. Okay, this is awesome. Okay. Oh, wow. Wow. Wow. Oh, wow. Okay. You want a popcorn? Yep. All right. So let me get this straight, Taylor Swift said to the two women sitting before her. You're not actually a couple, but you scheduled with me in hopes that I could counsel you into becoming a couple? Yeah, pretty much, said Sidney Heller. We've been trying to fall in love with each other for over a year now, said Olivia De Laurentis. We went to Europe together and did a blah. Wow, this is great timing because we just went to Europe together again. We went to Europe together and did a bunch of like romantic coupley activities. We even shared a bed for most of the trip and nothing. Right. Yeah. I heard about that. Taylor Swift said, crossing one leg over the other

in the large armchair she was sitting in. Sid frowned. What? Oh, I binge-watched podcast in preparation for this session, Taylor explained. So then you know that we're not actually dating, Olivia stated. I'm pretty sure that's a HIPAA violation, Cid said. I knew it didn't work out in the Swiss Alps, Taylor clarified. I had just assumed you had gotten together since then. And don't even get me started on HIPAA, she said with a small rule of her eyes. I'm not actually a licensed therapist or a medical professional of any kind, so I am not bound to HIPAA, nor can I violate it.

That's awesome to know about your therapist. No, that's good to know about Taylor Swift as well. Well, I guess that explains why our shitty insurance is even covering this, Sid said. Wait, why are you offering this service that you're not in any way qualified to provide, Olivia asked. Yeah, I was wondering kind of the same thing, Sid agreed. Taylor paused for a moment before answering, as if she wasn't quite sure whether the two women could be trusted with top secret information, but they'd both signed NDAs when they'd scheduled this session on Zock Doc. Shout out. No shout out to J. Vance. No shoutouts.

So Taylor decided to share. She leaned in, conspirators. I'm talking to real lesbian couples about their relationships because I want to make TS-13 my gayest album yet, she explained. But I've been out of the sapphic dating scene for over a decade now. So in addition to writing about my own experiences, I'm hoping to take some inspiration from other people's stories as well. That way, the album will hopefully be as relatable as possible. Sid cocked her head to the side. Oh, so you do like women, she said. Taylor smiled.

Yeah, it's sort of an open secret in the industry. I'd heard rumors, but I didn't know if they were true or not. I love that for you, Sid said supportively. Okay, iconic, said Olivia. Thanks, guys. Now, let's get right into it. Why do you want to fall in love with each other? Well, Sid is my best friend. We've known each other for more than half of our lives now.

Olivia started. We've grown up together. We supported each other through so much shit. She's my life partner in every way, except physically. We're basically soulmates, Sid said, just platonically. But I love Olivia more than anyone else in this world. Aw, said Olivia with a smile before returning her gaze to Taylor Swift. So this is kind of very Taylor Swift focused. Yeah, Taylor Swift should be reading this as well.

We should have brought her into her line. Yeah, Taylor Swift is kind of a huge part of this fan fiction more so than I thought she would be. Yeah, same. And I think we spend more time together than most real couples. We're kind of codependent, but like it's fine. And we literally share one brain cell. Yeah, people say we're like twins, Sid added. That's so funny, Taylor Swift said.

People say that about my wife Carly and me. She paused to click her pen open. So you do clearly have a very strong bond. Why do you think you haven't been able to fall in love with each other yet? I think at this point we've just known each other for too long, Sid said. Yeah, it would be like banging my sister, Olivia agreed. Although my mom is really into astrology and she has said that Sid and I would have amazing sexual chemistry if we ever like tried it. Taylor's mouth fell open and bewilderment.

And she looked to Sid for confirmation. That is true. Sid said nodding emphatically. She has said that. But we haven't tried, you know, because of the risk. Wow. Why am I reading this like that's me? That's how you talk every day.

The way I'm portraying myself is like, just a Muppet. So you've never had any sexual feelings towards each other at all? Taylor Swift asked skeptically. Sid and Olivia stared at her straight face, quickly tiring of this conversation. You know what? I have, actually. Sid said breaking the silence. Olivia whipped her head around to look at her in surprise.

I've never admitted this out loud before, but sometimes I love. I lie awake at night thinking about Olivia and my gizzard grows hot with lust. Okay, that's crazy because when I'm lying awake at night, I'm literally always thinking about your steamy hot rumpus, Olivia said to Sid in feigned disbelief. Taylor blew air out of her nose and shook her head. Like this? Yeah. Taylor blew air out of her nose and shook her head. So no sexual feelings then. Got it, she said with an amused smile. I guess I'm just a little bit lost. Am I here to counsel you into a sexless relationship, or were you guys hoping I'd be able to make you feel attracted to each other? If you could make us be attracted to each other, that would actually be so great,

Olivia said. Yeah, that would actually solve, like, all of our relationship problems that agreed. We tried paying an Etsy witch to do that, but she scammed us and cursed Sid's entire bloodline, Olivia added. That's what happened. Taylor stared at them both unsure of whether that last part was a joke or not. Okay, then, she said after a long pause, are you interested in each other romantically? Actually, wait. She said, before they could answer. answer. Let me back up a little bit here. Sid, you're bisexual, right? Yeah. And Olivia, you're... So here's what I think it is, Olivia started. I think I'm probably straight, but I don't want to be. I mean, like, I've tested it, and that's what I think it is. When I was in college, I did a big bad threesome with this really hot woman and her boyfriend, and it was fun, like, socially, but I just wasn't attracted to her. Taylor stared at her utterly perplexed. Whoa. Utterly perplexed for another long moment. Okay, I need a minute to think about all of that. I completely understand, Olivia said.

I guess my first question is, why do you not want to be straight? Taylor asked, rubbing her forehead. Olivia frowned, because I want to be with Sid, she said as if it were obvious. Also, have you seen men? Some of them are real creatures. Sid nodded her agreement. Taylor frowned. She nodded her agreement. Now, Taylor frowned, okay, but straight women don't want to date other women. You know that right. Wow, are you questioning my identity right now? Olivia asked. Wow, you're canceled. Sid said. Whoa, Taylor said. I'm sorry. I was just trying to say. that you're either straight or you want to date women, but it's probably not both. That's all. I don't want to be straight. I just think I probably am. But I also think that for the right person I could get there physically. And if Sid isn't the right person, then I don't know who is.

Plus, straight women literally say they want to date other women all the time, Sid pointed out, sitting forward in her seat. I feel like that's like the first thing that most straight women say when I tell them I'm bisexual. That's true. Not true. What? It's not true. It's not true. Well, Taylor Swift says it's true. She says that's true. I have definitely had that happen to me a time or 20. Taylor conceded, but do you think Olivia is doing that to you? I mean, I hope not. Sid said, she hadn't thought about it. She looked over at Olivia who frowned and shook her head fervently. Never mind. Now let's move past that. Olivia, your takeaway from the threesome is that you aren't attracted to women. I hope this doesn't sound insensitive, but are you sure that's why you weren't into it? Maybe you just don't enjoy threesomes. Taylor suggested cautiously, treading lightly in an effort to avoid conversion therapy rhetoric. Oh, I definitely don't like threysms, Olivia Respond. I've done so many, and it's just not for me.

Crazy, they really did get this part right. I have done so many. And they're just not for you. Yeah, but they're also, I don't know, man, it's so weird. They're not for me anymore, I don't think. No. Every time I go to a different website, I'm like, oh, I have a different password for this website. I don't remember what that was.

I don't remember any of my passwords, period. I don't remember what happened last week. No, I don't remember what happened just now. Picture this. It's late at night and you're scrolling your feeds and suddenly... You see it. Just that product that you're like, God, I want that. I need that.

Blouse. You click the link, add to cart. Maybe you shop around a little bit before you hit checkout. And then when you're hitting checkout. You're filling in your address and you realize I don't have my card anywhere near me. No, not anywhere near me. I don't remember my password for this. But that's when that purple pay button comes in handy.

Has all your information saved and you can just click that button and go right on your merry way. Making checkout as easy as a simple tap of your screen. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world and 10% of all e-commerce in the U.S. From household names like Allo Yoga and Jim Shark to brands just getting started. You can get started with your own design studio. With hundreds of ready to use templates. Shopify helps you build a beautiful store that matches your brand. Get the word out like you have a marketing team behind you.

Easily create email and social media campaigns wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling. See less carts get abandoned and more sales go with Shopify and their shop pay button. Sign up for your $1 per month trial today at Shopify.com slash Sid and Live. Go to Shopify.com slash Sid and Live. That's Shopify.com slash Sid and Live. Okay, next chapter. As they peeled out of the parking lot, Sid's Spotify, I began playing a song neither woman had ever heard before, but which both recognized instantly

as Taylor Swift. God damn it, Sid muttered, while Olivia scrambled to skip the song, the title of which was Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus. Is that a real song? Yeah, it is. What is it? It's the song with that title. Oh.

This was a good call on Olivia's part. For in that moment, Sid and Olivia couldn't possibly have handled the realness of Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus. It would have been devastating. When the song finally skipped, Taylor Swift's voice and gentle piano, were replaced with Daddy Says No by the Hashach sisters. And Sid and Olivia both breathed a sigh of relief. This was comfortable, familiar, safe.

I don't know about you, but that was not a top 10 therapy session for me, Olivia said. Yeah, I kind of feel like Taylor Swift wants to fight us now, Sid replied. Were you getting that at all? I mean, we were kind of being menace, as Olivia said. She shrugged her shoulders. Whatever. I don't think she even gets us, man. The two settled into comfortable conversation, just like they always did.

And for the length of the drive back, the tension and awkwardness of the therapy session were forgotten. Next chapter. At home, Sid tried to clear her mind with some cornbread hemp CBD gummies in a good book. Shout out. She sat outside her balcony with her dog and picked up Ripper to Shreds by McKensland Patunkler.

I ever read that one? A new romance novel she had been reading. Yes, you read it. It just said you read it. Oh. It was sapphic enemies to lever story about the two front women of competing blondey cover bands.

Okay, that's fun. Who try to sabotage one another by astral projecting into each other's dreams at night and turning them into nightmares. However, they both fail at this and end up having wet dreams about each other instead. As interesting as the book sounded, Sid found herself reading the same paragraph over and over. She probably could have skipped that whole paragraph and move on as it was only a needlessly long description of what each character in the scene was wearing and how tall they were and what kind of haircuts they all had. But Sid was too distracted to even realize this.

She kept thinking about everything Taylor Swift had said. She and Olivia had been sort of treating this whole trying to fall in love with each other thing as a bit. as many times as they'd both said they were serious about it, they hadn't put in the effort emotionally. They'd been nonchalant with it. Is it a bit to me? Sid asked herself, no, she decided almost instantly. There wasn't anyone she'd rather spend the rest of her life with, not even her boyfriend of over three years Snooply McDouble. If Olivia were to ask Sid to leave Snooply for her, Sid would drop him like a hot tomato.

At the end of the day, Snooply was just some guy. Olivia was her best friend, her soulmate. But what about Olivia's boyfriend? and Bramden, St. New Hampshire. Was Olivia willing to leave him too? Unlike Sid and Snooply, Olivia and Bramden had moved in together after dating for just over a year.

Of course, that had more to do with Olivia's catastrophic financial situation than anything else. But what if their relationship was really more serious? Maybe trying to fall in love with Sid was just a bit to Olivia. If that were the case and Sid did what Taylor Swift suggested and started being open and vulnerable with Olivia about how she really felt, she'd be putting Olivia in a very uncomfortable position.

And regardless of how Olivia felt, if Sid tried to come between Olivia and Bramden, she'd be a homewrecker. She didn't want to be that girl. Bramden was her friend, too, sort of. If Olivia was happy with Bramden and Sid was choosing to not come between them, she knew that it would probably be time to accept the fact that she and Olivia would never be together and start figuring out where to go from there. She could always just marry Snooply, couldn't she? Sid considered this option. Somehow the idea was significantly less appealing than she'd expected it to be. If he'd asked her yesterday, she might have said yes, but now she kind of wanted to just break up with him.

What was he to her, really? Someone to keep Olivia's spot in her bed warm. He didn't love her the way Olivia did. She didn't love him the way she loved Olivia. Olivia was the perfect person. Perfect in every way. But she could never feel the same. The whole thing had to be a bit to Olivia, right? Sid didn't dare dream that it was anything more. She'd already hurt her own feelings by ever getting her hopes up in the first place. It was over before it started. It was time to forget about this fantasy and move on. And with that, Sid came to a startling realization. No one could ever love her more than Olivia did. And Olivia's love for her was purely platonic. So if Sid wanted to find... That sucks. That sucks for Sid.

So if Sid wanted to find someone who would fall in love with her for real, she would have to completely change who she was, become someone new, get less fucking weird. Now Sid really felt like shit. So she did what she always did when she felt like shit. She picked up her phone and called Kaiser Permanente. Oh no. Don't do that. Olivia was having an equally hard time trying to forget about that morning's therapy session.

Six hours after Sid dropped her off, she was still sprawled out on the couch with her weed pen, a bottle of dry red wine, and a new Discovery Plus show called Dog Paternity Court playing on the TV. The title was a bit of a misnomer. It wasn't a court show. It was just sort of like Mori Popovich, but with dogs. Olivia had started episode one when she first got home, but she was already on the season finale. On screen, two women shouted at each other about whether it was even physically possible for one woman's Pekinese to have impregnated the other's Catehullo Leopard Dog. while both women dodged responsibility for 11 truly cursed-looking puppies.

The owner of the Catoola leopard dog, a soccer mom type named Britt Ney, became furious over something that the owner of the Pekinese, a woman with overplucked eyebrows and dirty hair whose name was a Britannay had said and threw a chair at her. Brittonay dodged it with ease and pulled out a gun. Oh, no. As the P.A.s ran to break up the fight, Olivia paused the show. This was the greatest piece of television she'd seen in at least a week and she wanted to save it for a day where she could actually enjoy it. Right now, Olivia was miserable. all, she couldn't help feeling like it was her fault she and Sid hadn't been able to fall in love. And on top of that, Taylor Swift had said some things that had made Olivia wonder if she was being a terrible friend to sit.

Had she been a bad ally and led her best friend on? No, at least she hadn't meant to. She really did want to fall in love with Sid. She was trying her best. It wasn't Olivia's fault. She was so goddamn heterosexual. But was she really, though? Or did she just not know what being in love was supposed to feel like?

After all, almost everyone she'd ever dated had been some kind of predile. or threat to society? What did she actually see in those guys? Well, for one thing, they were older. And they were people she thought she could save, of course. But was she attracted to them otherwise? Had she ever stopped to ask herself that question? Or was her rejection sensitivity dysphoria stopping her from thinking about people

who she was attracted to in favor of strategically only pursuing people she thought would love her, while her low self-esteem and insecurities tricked her into thinking she'd have nothing to offer in a relationship or the other. person was attractive and didn't need saving. So you, I'm noticing you haven't been read for filth. Well, actually, that's not true because they did say that no one would ever love me romantically unless I get less weird. So actually, I think we both have been read for filth in this one by Krista. This is so awesome.

Any and all of the above were possible because despite the objective fact that Olivia was a very conventionally attractive woman with a wonderful person. She was incapable of seeing herself that way. She also couldn't see that nobody she had ever dated was even remotely in her league. Was Sid in her league? Most people would say that Sid and Olivia were a perfect match that made a lot of sense together. Two smart, gorgeous, hilarious women who could practically read each other's minds. Olivia being Olivia, thought Sid could do better.

And so for as long as the two had been trying to fall in love with each other, it hadn't dawned on Olivia until right now this very moment that Sid might actually want her. Maybe she did, or maybe Sid was doing a bit. she and Olivia had always been so stiff with each other emotionally that it would be almost impossible for Olivia to know without asking her point blank. Maybe the stiffness was why they hadn't been able to fall in love. But then why were they so emotionally stiff with each other? Was that Olivia's fault? Probably. What if Sid had been trying to connect with her on a deeper level for 15 years and Olivia had been completely oblivious because she was just so mentally ill and neurodivergent?

Well, that was a horrible thought. And now Olivia couldn't stop thinking about it. As she sat staring at Roku City, Olivia's thoughts became increasingly upsetting and baseless. She spent roughly a half hour spiraling, crying, and blaming herself for things that were not her fault, and also hadn't happened, and also were not real, before finally snapping out of it when she suddenly remembered that she existed. Olivia pulled out her phone, expecting to find some new atrocities or brain rot, or literally anything to distract her from her big bad thoughts, but what she saw instead was seven unread texts from Sid. Hey, today was weird. Taylor Swift is weird. Sorry we didn't fall in love with each other.

It wasn't your fault, so don't beat yourself up over it. And don't blame yourself for what I'm about to do. I love you. Olivia was confused. What the fuck she thought to herself? That's so cryptic. She texted back right away. What are you about to do?

Don't do anything? What? But Sid didn't reply. Olivia tried calling her. It went straight to voicemail. Hi, this is Denise phone. Make sure you leave a message. I'm too weird to ever love romantically.

Beep! She checks his location and saw that she was at Kaiser Permanente. Olivia's heart began to raise. Suddenly, all of her insides felt like diarrhea. Why was her best friend at the hospital? What had she done? In a moment of clarity, Olivia decided to call Sid's mom, Gail. You even got the spelling right.

Yeah. Gail picked up on the first ring. Olivia, I was just about to call you. What's Sidney doing? Are you with her? No, Olivia replied, surprised by how her wobbly her own voice sounded. Her location says she's at the hospital, but I don't know what's going on. Oh, honey, don't cry.

she's okay. She's there on purpose. I know that much. She told me she's getting an elective surgery and that she's going to be just fine, but she flat out refused to tell me what the surgery is for. I thought you would know? What? If Olivia was any less alarm now, she was certainly more confused. She said she would, and I quote, sooner kill herself than me in that order than ever tell me what surgery she's getting. Gail explained. Um, okay, I'm going to go down there and figure out what's going on. Thanks, Gail. Olivia said. She hung up the phone and grabbed her car keys. This is getting really intense. It really is. So go to the Patreon to hear the rest of this. We're about halfway through and I will give you a little bit of something exciting. The next chapter

starts with me drunk driving. Yeah. So you guys are real fucking dumb if you don't join the Patreon and try to read the rest of this with us because this is kind of fucking awesome. Wow, we've been read for filth. Yeah, I mean, this is amazing. Krista, we are so excited to read the second half of this. I cannot believe how thoughtful this is. Krista, this is insane. This is so funny.

This is so good. And thank you also to Trash Raccoon and thank you also to I'm Kuddy. This is just I can't, I'm so happy about this. Yeah, and also one of the best things is that multiple people from the Patreon have become friends and made this thing. That's so cool. That's just genius. We're going to keep reading it. But God damn.

Thank you, Krista. Thank you, Krista. This is only good. This is only an absolute 12 out of 10. And thank you. I'm, of course. Thank you guys all. I almost feel like, I don't know.

I feel like it's so weird and self-centered to like read a fan fiction entirely about yourself for an entire episode. Yeah, we can't do that. I almost feel like we should read like a fan fiction we wrote about someone else. Yeah, I almost feel like. Yeah. Hearing somebody's parasycial relationship with us makes me want to have a parasycial relationship with someone else in the room. Oh, in the room. Mm-hmm.

Oh, well, we have written a fan fiction about someone else in the room. Who? Our producer, Cassum. Yeah. I mean, like, vintage YouTuber Cassim G? Yeah, like OG YouTuber Cassim G. Wait, we did write a fan fiction about him. We did write a fan fiction about Cassim.

Wait. We should probably read that. We should probably read it. Cass, want to come hang? Hang? I have to. Okay. Well, here he is.

This is the one and only Kassumg. Say hi to the crowd. Everybody. How are you? You want to click a button? Yeah. I just want to make a correction on my episode,

my big episode, me and John's cryptid episode. Yeah. We incorrectly got when to go wrong. Oh. It's not a Nordic. It's just so hard to keep track of all the cryptids. Of course.

Of course. Yeah. And I just nearly needed a. clear the air. I think that's fair. Thank you for clearing the air. So please yeah, please know that I'm sorry and would love to see what you guys have cooked up today. I'm really excited. You want to

click a button? That's a good one. That's a good one. This feels appropriate. Okay, so I didn't know you guys were going to do this. No, this is not the first time that we have written a fan fiction for a man against their will. It won't be the last. No, of course not. You can't stop. We once convinced a man that we were planning a threesome for him. We were not.

We had written him a fan fiction. It was like the worst night of his life. That's kind of evil. It was. But we were in our early 20s when I think being evil is more allowed. Yeah. That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. You guys are my friends, so it's cool.

Well, at least we didn't convince you we were going to have a threesome. It's pretty evil. It's pretty evil. Okay. You ready to get evil? Okay, there's an author's note at the top. Okay. Let's hear it.

Some of this is based off of what we know about. you and some of this is based off of your Wikipedia. You will be able to tell what is what. Chapter 1, Interior Pajama P podcast. Day, 2021. Yeah, I don't really do the YouTube thing much anymore. Pioneer YouTuber Kassim G said to the host and or hosts of the Pajama Pants podcast. I just kind of feel like I don't identify with the stuff I used to do and say. I now find it offensive and unfuny. 2021, Kassam G would never endorse anything 2015 Kassum G has done. You know what I mean? Pajama Pants Podcasters.

All of the Pajama Pants in the room who were hosting the podcast said nothing as they were inanimate. Cassum continued to talk to no one. Yeah, I guess you could say I'm woke now. He said patting himself on the big sexy back. Nothing like I was in 2015. I don't stand by anything I said or did in 2015. The pajama pants stayed pants. Just then a shadowy figure appeared to cross the window in the corner of the studio.

What was that? Said pioneer YouTuber Kassum G out loud. Was it? No. Cassam G, you're being crazy. It couldn't have been her. The pajama pants interviewers stayed silent. Sorry, Kassum said.

I just thought I saw someone I used to know. Gotis. Gotier. Goti is somebody that I used to know starts playing. Cut two. A wicked-esque flashback in the early days of Kassim G. The year is 2015. Kassam G is young and supple.

Supple. Interior 2015. Cassum says, now it's a script. Yeah, now it changed into a script. So now it changed formats. Kassum says, hey, gays and bitches. It's me. Cassim G.

triggered much? Cassim laughed his supple chest bouncing with fertility. John, Kassum's trusty right-hand man who would one day help him produce a podcast for two rats disguised as old women, put his hand on Kassum's. supple back. John, you want to come in just say this one line really quickly so that we know who John is? Yeah. And then we can play you. Yeah, we'll play you. Hey, man, I've been meaning to talk to you. I don't think you should be speaking the way you do. I think it will come back to haunt you. One day, you will be ashamed. Thanks, John. Thanks, John. So that's going to be John.

So that's John. Wow, when John says that, you know, it's heavy. Cassim says, Nothing haunts me. I'm Kasim G. Diddley diddle and diddley D. I'm John. John says, Okay, man, let's just get back to making our YouTube video. I have children to feed. And Kasim says, and I have bitches to offend. Recording in three, two, one. Yo, what's up, you snowflakes? You're all inbred. Make YouTube great again. I'm Cassam G. And you guys suck. Today I'm going to be searching hard and wide for Bigfoot. Legend has it. Bigfoot. is a big scary dude who's covered in fur and yuck. I think my weir might go inverse.

I'll be so not turned on. Anyway, let's see if we can find this creepy fuck with the big foot siren. Come on, John, do the alarm. John, can you do the alarm that you do the big foot alarm? There we go. That was so good. Do we hear that? Yeah, do we hear that on the episode?

Yeah, we hear it. Yeah, he's got a mic. Well, yeah, I mean, yeah. Or he's from far away. We're going to hear that. It's going to have more authentic quality because it's coming from far. Okay, I love that. Okay, cut to interior Bigfoot's house 2015.

Bigfoot's father says, Bigfoot, it sounds like you have another gentleman caller. What is that like the fourth one this week? Bigfoot, girl, stacked, wah-wa-we-wa. Dad, you don't understand. These guys always calling are not gentlemen. All these guys want is just one thing to prove I'm real so they can get famous in red states.

But, dad, I'm more than real. I'm stacked. Bigfoot's father says, Well, honey, I guess I've never thought of it that way because I'm your father and I never think of you as stacked. But I guess you're right. You've got body, aati-a-a-di-a-di. One day, I'm going to find a man who doesn't want me for fame. I'm going to find a man who's famous all on his own. I have to go practice my c-h-walk.

Bigfoot exits. On fire. Interior, Cassam G. Day. Cassim, vlogging to camera, as always, makes up brand-new slurs. Hey, what's up? Shambles! That's a slur for horses now. I'm Cassim G, and this is my vlog.

Now, as you guys know, John and me have been looking for Bigfoot. John says, John and I. Shut up, Shamble. I'm looking for this Bigfoot guy so I can offend the fuck out of him. 2015 is my year. I will regret nothing. John says, I'm a father. So, because it's 2015, the year of Uptown Funk, I think the best way to lure this

bigfoot-ass beast is by doing a parody song to Uptown Funk. What could be more 2015? This is to the tune of Uptown Funk And this is you singing, but we'll do it in Unicenture. This one's for big foot, that huge guys like nine foot. This one's for that cryptid, that hip kid who's most likely male. Growling, prowling, living it up in organ. Got find that big tall guy.

He looks like a demigorgian. Author's note, this is actually insane that Cassam G referenced a demigorgan in 2015, which is one full calendar year before Strangers Things season one. came out. How did he know this? How did he do this? We may never know, but we can always appreciate it. Back to the song. I'm too hot, hot damn. I'm Cassam G and Bigfoot some man. I'm too hot, hot jam. I got to kiss myself. Gay. Yeah. Authors note, the authors of this song don't stand by this line. This is a depiction of Cassam G in 2015 and does not reflect the thoughts of the authors. Meanwhile, as Kasem G descended into the forest singing his uptown funk parody song,

leaving John to call his children and check in like a good father does, Bigfoot was practicing her cuntie walk and couldn't help but hear the most beautiful song she's ever heard. I'm too hot, hot damn. I'm Cassam G and Bigfoot's a man. Bigfoot says, OMG, Kassam G, I subscribed to him for his offensive humor and man on the street style videos. What is he doing here in the Pacific Northwest? Cassim sings, I'm too hot. One day you're negotiating with suppliers. The next, you're installing a shelf in the back room. Running a business means moving in many directions all the time.

TD's new small business banking accounts are built for how your business moves. It's how we're making banking more human. Hot damn, Cassam looked up at the tallest, most stacked woman he had ever seen. Hot damn. That's right. It was Bigfoot. And she was a she. You could so clearly see a wuga, a wuga, a wuga for me.

Cassam says, hi, I'm... I know who you are. I've been subscribed to you since 2013 when you won the Streamy Award for Best Host. Oh, man, wow. It's so good to meet a fan. Sorry, I know your eyes are up here, but I can't help noticing that you are stacked. Bigfoot says, whoa, no one has ever noticed that about me before. Cassam says, no way, really? It's all I ever noticed about women. I categorize them based on stacked or not stacked. The not stacked ones I don't even talk to unless it's my mommy. Triggered limbs? Cassam says to a camera that was not there. Bigfoot says, well, I can't believe I'm asking this, but would you sign my body,adi,adi? Cassum says, you're stacked bodyadiadi. And just like that, they were in love. They had the most insane sex of Bigfoot and a YouTuber could ever have. And we can't even tell you about it because we had to sign an NDA. But we can tell you this. They did it 12 times to the beat of Uptown Funk. Cut to exterior forest 2015. Bigfoot lays down in the leave.

only wearing Cassam's unbuttoned white-collared shirt. It is not oversized on her because she's gigantic. Cassim is shirtless. Bottom half is censored even though he's wearing pants. Bigfoot smokes a joint. Bigfoot. Wow. I've never done it before.

Author's note, it means sex. Cassim says, me too. Bigfoot. Wait, what do you mean me too? I've also never done it before. Really? I would think a big YouTuber like you in the height of 2015 would be dripping in puss. I would be normally, but I've just never found any puss good enough for Cassum G.

that's me by the way Bigfoot says oh I know I'm subscribed in the distance we hear a Bigfoot call John Nice bigfoot Oh that's my father I better be going He's expecting me for the father daughter dance There's a big foot father daughter dance

There's one every night it's just me and my dad Ever since my mom left us for a human man We do the big father daughter dance every night Wow that's so sad I just had my first ever feeling I think you're changing me girl Bigfoot says well I gotta go. Can't have Dad dancing to trap queen without me.

He's my dark queen. Da-na-da-na-da. Bigfoot runs away into the forest. Cassam watches her runaway. He likes what he sees. Whoa-a-weewa. Cut to Interior YouTube 2015 day. A YouTube executive. Ha! Well, Cassum! Where are those views you promised us? We're starving for views. Yum, yum, yum. Cassim says, oh yeah, views. I almost forgot. John says, dude, what? Forgot about views. Cassim, ha ha! You're the biggest YouTuber in the world.

You're obsessed with views, almost as much as you're obsessed with being offensive and the song Uptown Funk. What's gotten into you? John says, don't worry, YouTube executive. Cassam and I are going to turn a really exciting video in soon. We're going to find Bigfoot. Wow, wawiwa. Bigfoot. That certainly is exciting. I want it on my desk first thing in the morning. The YouTube exec exits.

Cassam. John, I don't know if I want to do the YouTube video on Bigfoot anymore. John says, what? Cass, I have kids and a wife. I have a family to feed. What do you mean you don't want to do a huge video that will make a bunch of money for us? Cassam says, I just, I don't know. I met someone.

And I'm starting to rethink a lot of my old content. I always rethink your old content, Cassam. But why are you doing it? Cassam says, I just don't know if I want to call people bitches anymore. Because I'm in love with a bitches. You? Yeah, I'm in love. And the last thing I want to do is expose her privacy.

You mean? Yes, John. I'm in a relationship with. Just then a shadowy figure runs past the window in the corner of the YouTube office. What was that? That was my girlfriend. And tomorrow, she'll be my wife. Cass, you can't.

Trust me. Cut can it, John. I know you want to feed your kids, but I don't care. I'm done with this shit. Cut to exterior forest evening 2015. Casim and Bigfoot are being married in a private ceremony in the Pacific Northwest. Casson says, I, YouTube, Kassum G, take the Bigfoot to have and to hold, to love and two. John runs down the aisle.

John says, I object. John, what are you? doing here? How did you know where to find us? Because my wife has instincts. Motherly instincts. Just then, John's wife, a giant female Bigfoot enters. Bigfoot says, mom, this is the human you ran away with? It makes sense because he seems so kind and sensitive, but I can't believe you left our family and started a new one. How could you do that to us? Authors note, this is nothing against John's wife. Yeah, we don't know any. I'm sure she's wonderful. This is fictional. This is in the fictional universe. where John's wife is an actual Bigfoot, not his real life.

Bigfoot's mom says, I'm sorry, Bigfoot. Your dad kept wanting to do husband-wife dances to trap queen every night, and I got tired of it because it's not really a song you can listen to every night and come up with a new dance every time. I hope you understand. Bigfoot says, I understand. I've been running out of new dances myself. But I still want to marry Cassam because he's the love of my life.

Cassam says, and I want to give up YouTube to marry Bigfoot. Bigfoot says, what? Cassam says, I want to give up my offensive humor, YouTube career, to marry you. You're my passion now. I don't care about my man on the street videos or my fame. Just you. Bigfoot says, oh, Kassum, this is so gift of the magi. You see, I fell in love with you because of your fame.

All of the men who used to try to pursue me only wanted me for fame. But you already had it, which showed me that you wanted me for me and how stacked I am. But now that I know you've blown it with the YouTube executive, and I know because I ran by the window and I heard how that meeting went, I, well, I love you, but I can't marry. you. I understand. And you have taught me a valuable lesson. Bitches can be stacked and still deserve my respect. Now, before we part ways, should we do our first and last dance? I'm like, hey, what's up? Hello. Seen your pretty ass soon as you came in the door. I just want to chill, got a sack for us to roll. I'm married to the money,

introduce her to my stove. Showed her how to whip it. Now she remixed him for low. And I get high with my baby. Baby, I just left them all I'm getting fine with my baby. Yaw. And I get high with my baby. I need to kitchen cooking pies with my baby.

Yaw. and I can ride with my baby. Cut to Interior 2021. Cassam sits in his padded cell with all of his pajama pants. Cassam says, and that's why I quit YouTube, sometimes I still hear her dancing to trap queen. But it was all worth it, knowing I didn't expose her. I'll never be able to thank her enough. The guards enter with the straight jacket.

Guard one, hey, you're Cassam G. You taught me a slur for horses. I sure did, buddy. Now lace me up. It's jacket time. The guards put the straight jacket on Cassum as he quoth. quietly sings. This one's for big foot. That relationship is kaput. This one's for that stacked girl, that rack girl, that masterpiece.

Dancing, romance and living it up with her dad. Our love story is over now, but I'm grateful for what I had. She's so hot, hot damn. And one day she will find her, man. She's so hot, hot damn. She put me into retirement. She's too hot. Hot.

Hot damn. Say my name. You know I'm passing jean too hot. And I'm sad about my money. Girl, you are hallelujah. The end. Wow. I think we just have to end the episode now.

So how did you like that? Wow, that was incredible. I didn't need to be here for that at all. I didn't need to sit in this chair. That's incredible. I'm crying. It's what a piece of fiction, but also could have been my life story. It might have been.

We'll never know because it's all the secret. We have to leave and I have to get more room to-tether. We have to go and we have a meeting right now. Bye, guys. Join the Patreon. I've been Olivia. I've been coughing. And watch us read the rest of Chris's fan fiction on the Patreon.

Thank you. And freeze free!