Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - Top 10 Ways To Become A God & Machine Elves

Episode Date: May 12, 2026

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I will say I like that this guy has no bones. Yeah, I like knowing that I like knowing about his. Is his leg a knife? Yeah, his legs a knife. His leg is a knife and his groin is fish bones. Yes. And then he's got like eyes on his arms. This guy is so Tumgis coated.

He really is. Wait. Do you think they got the idea for Tumgis from a machine? Yes. Welcome to Sid and Olivia Talk. I'm the Sid one. I'm the Olivia one, you guys. Well, I said the Sid one.

That was the first time in like months that you've said. I must be really tired. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. I'm the sud one. Yeah, obviously. You mispronounced your own name. That's insane. Yeah. No, I was actually really surprised. My Christian name. Your Christian name, Sid, not even Sid.

You don't know. Sud. Sud. Hi, so sorry about that. I'm Sud. Yeah, don't worry, guys. Everyone can calm down now. So how are you today? Oh my gosh. I'm fine. I'm literally so fine. Yeah. Like, so fine. No, I don't know. It's, it's, it's. It's such a funny thing when you're like, well, we're recording this episode a couple weeks in advance. And what a what a crazy time it is every day. Yeah. If you're listening to this, when this comes out, I'll say when we are recording this, Olivia and I are about to go to Europe. Yes. So we're doing a couple of episodes beforehand. Yes. But the other thing about going to Europe is apparently there is we just found out yesterday. that theirs.

Apparently going to be, rumored to be a bunch of fuel shortages in Europe, and they have six weeks of jet fuel left. Is that what it is? I think so. Yeah, they have at most six weeks of jet fuel left. We are both going to London and then we're both going to Italy. And we're flying out like in two days.

So if nothing changes for the better, and they start or if that number goes down and they're like, oh, no, we ran out. There is a world where we get stuck in Europe. And I'm not against that. I really am not. No, I'm not. I really am not.

Like I would get if I'm going to be stuck somewhere. Yeah. I mean, here's the biggest thing is just I don't think I want to spend more money on lodging. Yes. However. If I must. If I must, I guess there's no other option. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't. So if you live in London or Italy, let us know if you need somebody to crash on your couch. Yeah, we can apply to be your roommates. Roommates. Yeah, your employee on a remote work visa. We can apply to be your spouse that's two different people in a trench coat. The tallest spouse you'll have. Yeah, the tallest spouse you'll have.

And who doesn't want the tallest spouse you'll have? Who doesn't want the tallest spouse they'll have? I do have a very quick round of Girl Boss Girl Floss if you'd like to play it. Very into that. Okay. This is Girl Boss, Girl... Whoa. You guys?

Guys, it's great here. This is Girl Boss, Girl Floss. Music! Cut the music! Okay. If you guys don't know the rules of Girl Boss and Girl Floss, Sid is going to give me some names, and I am going to pick whether or not it's a famous Girl Boss or a female dentist she found

on Zok Dock. Okay. So let's see. This is Girl Boss, Girl Floss Hawaii Edition. Ooh. Huge. Okay, huge of true. So if you live in Hawaii, here may be some girl flosses for you. Our first one is Angela Lee.

I think she's a girl boss. Okay, and what do you think she's a girl boss for? Like a CEO of some sort or like a business person. Okay. You would be wrong. Angela Lee is a girl floss. Dentist in Hawaii Court Matt Matowan, New Jersey. Right. What?

Hawaii court. Yeah. So it's in New Jersey in a place called Hawaii court in New Jersey. Yes. Amazing. That's perfect. That might be the girl floss for you. If you're in Hawaii, go to New Jersey for your girl floss. Okay. What about this one? Isha Vora. Ooh. Beautiful name. I'm going to guess Girl floss. And you would be correct. Girl floss. This is a dentist in Hawaiian Gardens, California. Wow. And the thing that I'm starting to realize during this segment is there's so many Hawaii. There are so many Hawaiians. It's like that thing about the other Paris that movie. What was that? Yeah. It was like some rom-com about like a girl who I think she was trying to go to Paris, France, but she ended up in Paris, Texas. Yes. Or it's the other way around. But no, it feels like that. That would be less funny.

Like it would be crazy if she's like, I'm just trying to go to Paris, Texas. But instead I went to one of the most romantic places in the world. Yeah. And is it something like she's trying to fall in love or something? Is it Miranda Cosgrove? Yeah, that's awesome. Everything. Wait, I want to see this now. I love her. Yeah, I'll probably have to watch that. Romance gets a Texas-sized reality check. Oh, is this like conservative-coded, though? Oh, no. Because it might not be, but you never fucking know.

Yeah, it's like a girl who goes, who wants to find love, but instead she's like, all I needed was to be a Republican. All I needed was a cowboy. Well, we'll probably have to watch that. Yeah. Okay, here's one. Are you ready? Yeah. Moana.

Okay. I'm going to guess Girl Boss? You would be wrong. Moana Dental Care in Reno, Nevada. You have three stars on Facebook. Oh, good. It is neither. Oh, wow, it's neither.

Wait, we've never had a neither. We've never had a guess if it's Girl Boss or Girl Loss? It's not either. Technically, a girl floss because it's a dental care place. But there are probably girl flosses who work there. I'd hope. 100%. I'd hope.

I'd hope. If you're a Reno female dentist, tell us how. Tell us how Moana Densis. how Moana Dental Care is treating you. Yeah, does it deserve those three stars? Here's another one. Jacks Taylor.

Here's my take, right? Sure. I'm going to go with neither because that's a male reality star from Vanderpump Rules. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Nice. It's neither. It's neither. Jacks Taylor is a male reality star from Vanderpump Rules,

who was arrested in Honolulu in July 2015 for stealing a $300 pair of Sunday. glass. Wow. So kind of it within the realm of the game. It's within the theme for sure. Yes. It's and it's in the new surprise category of neither. Yeah. And the thing about that that's good is that it makes the whole game have no rules. Yeah. Well, and that's good because it's sort of like a metaphor for life. Right. You go in thinking, well, here are the rules that I've been told very clearly. Yes. And then most of the actual things have nothing to do with those rules and you look like a fucking idiot for thinking they exist. Beautiful. Yeah, that's beautiful. Wow, that was gorgeous. Thank you so much. That was Girl Boss or Girl Floss. I was Girl Loss. Cut the music. Do you want to do some

voicemails? Yeah, we have no other guest today. So we're going to listen to some voicemails that you guys sent because you know what? That is fun. And if you want to send us voicemails in the future, you can call this number below. It is 805-419. 3555. That is 805. 419. 3.555. The perfect phone number. Yeah. Okay. Are you ready? Let's hear what you guys are saying. Hey, said Olivia. I just got back from the gym and I wanted to ask unrelated to the gym. I'm just updating my day. I'm glad it's not related to the gym. I want to ask a few questions. One, how do I be an adult while still living at home with my parents? Two, how do you handle constant thoughts of everyone deeply hates you and is conspiring against you? Right.

Three, how do I get over my fear of applying the jobs? At four, at my house, we currently have a herd of around eight. deer and two male deer, one of which is a six-point buck. And I wanted to know what I can do to train them so I can be a Disney princess and have wild animals at my beck and call and possibly train birds to dress me in the morning. Right. All right. Thank you, guys.

Any answers on this would be extremely helpful. Y'all are doing great. Thank you. Thank you. Okay, first off, hope the gym was fun. I hope you love the gym. Four questions. Four questions, but the first three are so funny because the first three are like, oh, yeah, totally normal, normal.

And then we get to the fourth one. The classic rule of fourth. Yes. The fourth one is like, how do I sing to the deer? Sing to the deer. Yeah, find out what genre of music the deer like, right? Yeah. Because that's the thing they don't tell you in Disney movies.

Yeah. Is that not all deer are the same. They don't show in Disney movies all of the woodland creatures that like rock or that like ska or that like screamo. Yeah. They just show the ones that like sort of, you know, traditional operatic. Yes, yes, yes. So, yeah, I would say definitely like if the deer, if you can find their Spotify, you can go through that.

that can get you an easy start in terms of singing the right type of songs that will attract them. And then same with the birds. In terms of how to be an adult while living with your parents. Yeah. I hear you. And it's not. There's a lot of people going through a very similar thing and you're not alone and just try to be nice to yourself and try to do whatever you can one step at a time and not like put too much pressure on yourself because pressure will only make everything worse. Also, I don't know if this might work, but what if you started treating your parents like roommates you found off of Craigslist?

Yes. Or like band members to attract the deer. Yeah. Because that could be huge. Like if you were just like, oh, I'm going to treat them like regular roommate style. And you started being like, hey guys, like, was thinking about getting some beers, sitting on the couch, maybe watching some survivor, you guys in. Yeah. Hey, you guys getting laid. I'm getting laid lately. lately, you could say that. You could be like, hey, mama, hey papa. Hey, mama.

When you are bringing in like a visitor to get laid, if you could make it a little bit quieter, yes, that'd be great. Yeah, that's a good thing to say to your parents that you live with because they'll, they'll understand what you mean and they'll be appreciative of it. Yeah, and that's kind of like just changing the dynamic in a fun way. Yeah. And in terms of thinking everyone hates you, I'm sure they don't. I'm 100% sure that they do not, but it is normal to.

think that people are against you. Just like try to, I don't know, this is something I've been learning of like, like, try to identify what your set of values are and then live by that because then if you're being a person where you're like, okay, well, according to my own values, like this, the actions I'm doing are like, good person things and make me feel likable. Then it doesn't really matter if every single person is, you're their cup of. tea or not. It's just, um, yeah, I think like, um, uh, I have like a constant fear that I'm living in the Truman show. Yeah. Yes. And that, uh, for some reason, everybody around me is like pretending.

Yeah. And so, uh, I totally get that fear, but I have that too. Promise it's not the case. Yeah. Yeah. You're very likable. I can tell. You go to the gym. Absolutely. You have a bunch of deer. Okay. Hey, sir, Trisha. It's good to call you. I don't know. Um, okay. So I just wanted to ask how I should tell my mom that I broke up with my boyfriend. So basically, I just didn't really want to be in the relish anymore. Fair. And my mother is a conservative Christian that essentially believes like you should only break up with somebody if something is desperately wrong. But I kind of just didn't feel like being in a relationship.

anymore. Yeah. And also would like to explore my gender questioning outside of a relationship. And I don't really think she would understand that. So coming back, ladies, I love you. Bye. Hi. Hi. You're lovely. First off.

I think, listen, your mom is going to have to get over it. Yeah, I think that's fair. She's going to have to get over it. Like, this is what happens. Sometimes people break up. It's not your mom's relationship. Yep. What's the Duolipa song where she gives the advice? Oh, one, don't pick up the phone. You know he's only calling if he's drunk and alone. Okay, so one, don't pick up the phone when your mom calls. You know she's only calling when she's drunk and alone.

Two, don't let him in. You'll have to kick him out again. That's about your mom. Maybe you should send this song to your mom and be like, these are the new rule. Don't be his friend. You're only going to wake up in his bed in the morning. Yeah, maybe she needs the new rules she counts them. Yeah, here's a thing. You can also just do these, do these pieces of information one, one piece at a time. If you know your mom better than we do, and if you think she's going to respond badly to stuff, you can always just, you don't, it's not, you don't owe anyone over explaining yourself, even though I know it's also hard when someone that you love is, like, not getting it. Yeah, I do think that, um, you know, like her reaction to whatever it is,

It should not tell you anything. Like her reaction to whatever it is should not be an indicator of like, oh, did I do the right thing? Did I not do the right thing? You know you're doing the right thing. Yeah. This is the right decision for you. You are doing the right thing. Whatever she reacts to it with is a separate thing. Yeah, you're your own person and you sound confident in your decision and we're fucking proud of you. And I'm excited for your gender journey. Yes. Oh, a gender journey.

You have the big gender journey for you. I'm very excited for you. Yeah. And listen, whatever she says, girl, you don't go listen to Dua Lipa. Yeah, just come in. Yeah. Tell her to listen to some Duelipa. Yeah. Hi there. Longtime listener, first time caller, wanted to know what are your feelings about ayahuasca? Has she done ayahuasca? Do you want to do ayahuasca? Is ayahuasca on a vision board? Are you scared of the machine elves that will go inside of your brain? Because supposedly you see other entities. Sometimes you see like snake beings. You like throw up a bunch, but then you like feel better afterwards.

Anyway, want to know your thoughts and feelings about ayahuasca and the ayahuasca industry and adjacent and such. Peace. Love you. Do you think this collar is on ayahuasca? As they speak. At an ayahuasca tree on... Yeah. Whoa.

At an ayahuasca retreat on ayahuasca. And it's like, let me ask. Yeah. And maybe we're the... What was that? The Elves? The Elves? I've heard of the machine elves.

Have you? Yeah, I have heard of the machine elves. What are the machine elves? Okay. Yeah. They're autonomous, intelligent, often playful entities reported by individuals during high-dose DMT. Okay, that's why... Because they were on...

They were... Okay. So, I've never done hard drugs. But I used to look up all the... the different crazy hard drugs on this website called Aeroid because it was a fun for like knowing stuff for comedy of like, oh, this very specific drug does this very specific thing. And then also it was just fascinating. DMT was a is a crazy one. I think it's the chemical that releases when you die or something. Oh, yeah. And I know, I remember seeing machine elves in people in like one of

the side effects for that. And what does that look like? Oh, whoa. Is that what a machine elf looks like? That says mother elf. No, that says machine elf. I just can't read because I am wearing the wrong prescription. Yeah, so that's, oh, wow. Okay, DMT machine elves right there. So that's what they look like, right? Yeah, I'm going to be so real. I don't even want to hang with it. I guess I don't want to take a substance that makes these guys show up. Yeah, I guess that's my first huge thought. Like, that's a, like, is the reason for doing it so that these guys show up or is this a side effect? This is a side effect. I think the reason is to like expand your mind, but I think where you're expanding it to is like now you see these guys now.

Yeah, I guess it's something like, you know, in those like medical commercials where like symptoms include like this, this, this, this, this side effects include, blah, blah, blah. It's like is it worth, is the juice worth the squeeze? That would be funny too, like a commercial that's like a meds commercial, but it's for like DMT or ayahuasca. And it's like side effects may include. That's actually really fun. Yeah. Don't take ayahuasca if you already see machine. elves. That's funny. Yeah. So, you know, here's the thing. If someone loves that for them, love that for them. I will say I like that this guy has no bones. Yeah, I like knowing that I like

knowing about his leg a knife. Yeah, his legs a knife. His leg is a knife and his groin is fish bones. Yes. And then he's got like eyes on his arm. This guy is so Tungis coated. He really is. Wait, do you think they got the idea for Tumgis from a machine? Yes. Do you think that the A.m. P.m. people. The marketing team. We're on a company-sponsored Ayahuasca retreat. Within a MPM.

Yes. They saw a machine elf and we were like, wait a second. Wait, what if this was... What if this was our mascot except snacks? I think so. Okay, you heard it here first. Yeah. The AMPM mascot Tumgis was created because the AMPM

marketing team was on an ayahuasca retreat. Yeah. And saw machine elves. Yes. This is fact. I mean, how, there's, there's no difference. That's literally a machine elf. There's truly no difference.

That's a snack machine out. Yeah. Wow. No, we haven't done ayahuasca, but now knowing that I could see this guy, I'm interested. Yeah, well, it is sort of like, you know, if all else fails, right? If everything starts going so crazy that it's like, well, who even cares? Might as well hang out with machine elves see what happens. I mean, might as well.

Yeah. What are these machine elves capable? What are they capable of? What makes them tick? What makes them tick? What's on their Spotify? What's their favorite musical artists? Yeah, I really need to know what's on their spot.

Do these machine elves like ska? Yeah. Oh, they sing. No. They sing in hyperdimensional language. No way. Wait, guys, this is huge. They sing in hyperdimensional language.

They are often described as singing or chanting, producing a visual language of sounds that manifests as objects, colors, and geometric shapes. Okay. The fact that multiple people were like, well, this is what they do. Yeah, I mean, and we all see the same thing. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, that's crazy. The idea of like, oh, yeah, they sing shapes. And they teach. They try to teach the user a lost language.

They try to teach you a lost language. This is actually a really- They instruct you to take life not so seriously. And they act as tricksters. Wait. But then they're also frequently described as joyous or frenzied upon seeing the user welcoming into their realm with high energy. Is that us? Are we machine elves? Are we machine elves? It's so many details that everyone is collectively agreeing on, and I find that to be awesome. Wait, they have a chaotic or jester-like energy, sometimes laughing, playing, or in some instances, providing what somewhat unsettling or mugging experience. I think we're machine elves. We just have to start mugging people.

And all of you guys are on ayahuasca. DMT and ayahuasca. Oh, my God. Okay. So when you throw up at the end of the retreat and you learn your big lessons, let us know. what we taught you. Yeah, I would love to know about the dead language I taught you. Yeah, my sounds are shapes. Well, thank you so much for that question. What a gorgeous question. Finding a doctor you actually like can be like finding a diamond in the rough. Sure, you want

someone in network nearby with open time slots, but let's be honest, that's just the start. You also deserve someone who really listens. Makes you feel comfortable. Explains things clearly. calms your nerves. Makes you laugh. Tells you it's going to be okay. And most importantly, is good at being a doctor. Well, that's where ZocDoc comes in. ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can find and book high quality in-network doctors

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I just came with a really, really important question that I really need you guys to answer. What's the worst drink you've ever had? Like, it can be like, oh, I drink something I shouldn't have, or it can be just, oh, this was a drink that I ordered and it was disgusting. Doesn't necessarily need to be alcoholic? I'm curious.

Thank you, Nicole. Love you. Bye. Bye, love you, Nicole. Thank you so much for that interesting question. I know your worst drink. The one that had roofies in it. Oh, my gosh.

Okay, because I was like, what is she talking about? Because I was like, we had the worst drinks together at that bar. Oh, sure. But, yeah, the one that had roofies in it also was bad. Yeah. That one was bad because it made your motor function stop. Sure, yeah. And it made you go like, wait, I'm pretty sure that the bathroom is for eating chicken nuggets and the restaurant is for throwing up.

Yes. Okay, it's time to go into the bathroom and chant, nobody will believe me. nobody will believe me. Two people trying to help me. And then I look up and realize they're both on the same season of curb. And I go, you guys are both on the same season of curb. And then I threw up more. Yes.

Yeah. That's awesome. And then we also went to this bar that was like a make your own drinks bar. Yes. We went to Edinburgh. We went to Edinburgh two years ago. And was it two years ago? Three.

Wow, that's crazy. We went to Edinburgh three years ago and we went to a bar that was themed like a wizarding. Yeah, like make your own cocktails. Yeah. It's all wizards. It's like very renfair. Spells. Yeah.

And we were like, this will be so fun. We went for Olivia's birthday. It was so fun. We went down the steps and immediately were hit by a wave of B.O. It was insane. We were like, oh, this whole place, the scent is B.O. Yeah, absolutely. It was awesome. It was crazy.

And it was themed and wonderful. And they gave us these capes. Yeah, like cloaks. Like cloaks. And then they ran out of cloaks. Yeah. And they gave Olivia's. sex boyfriend, a children's magician cape. Yeah, yeah. That was awesome. That was awesome. And then,

yeah, I loved the vibe, even though it had, it was hard to breathe. They would bring you beakers of different liquids. And they were like, time for you to make your own drink for you. Yeah. And it was like, what? But the thing is like all the drinks tasted like gravel and Alka-Seltzer. It was like the worst thing I've ever put in my body. And every, time they gave us a different drink. I was like, this one surely will be better. And it never was. All of the glasses were sticky and dirty. And when you would tell the waiter like, hey, I'm so sorry, this glass is dirty. Could I get a different one? They immediately had like some excuse in rye or something. It would be like, oh, the kitchen elves aren't washing the dishes. Yeah. They had so many

excuses. But it's also, yeah, it's like you, they knew, they knew to say that, which means like, it means like, It means like in their orientation for working at this job. They were like a lot of people are going to say the dishes are dirty. You're going to blame the kitchen elves. Which aren't real. And we're going to use our energy to do that instead of washing the dishes. Yeah. But and I, yeah, I didn't even, I didn't really even drink any of the drinks.

That's huge. They were like truly undrinkable and we were crying, laughing at how undrinkable they were. Yeah. To the point of I would go back. No, I wouldn't trade that experience. for anything? I would go back. And I would go back. Yeah. Yeah. It was the stickiest, smelliest place.

Yeah. They asked you to do the stupidest, most humiliating things. It was awesome. I would go back in a heartbeat. Yeah. Shout out. Shout out. What a gorgeous place. Yeah. See, if you wanted to, like, approve our fan fiction idea. Immediately. So basically, it's called Keith Kamala and do Melania.

And it's a Kamala Harris X Maladia trans fan fiction. It takes place in a drag bar over the course of three years. Yes, and we opened with Melania Trump instead drag bar, and Kamala Harris is a fabulous drag king, and they fall in love, and then Trump dragged her out, and he's like, why are you in the drag war, blah, blah, blah. And then she's, yeah, and then she's, like, crying because, like, you know, it's like, yeah. She's not the love him from us. Yeah, also, Shady Vance and Erica are all those drag queens. Yes, and they fall in love. And then Charlie's her find out, and that's why he died because they can't.

kill him. Yeah. And the story ends with Usha, who is Jadis' beard, running off with her person of color white, and then Melania and Kamala get married on the roof of the White House. I was on fire. The officiant is Joe Biden, the flower girl is Obama, and Michelle Obama is God. I just wanted to approve our concept because we respect you as it is. Yeah, you get a very heavy inspiration during the course of writing this fan fiction. we really just wanted your approval. Okay. Before we like approve it in our...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Thank you, love you. Bye. Oh, my God. When can we read it? I know. Seriously, can you send us that?

Yeah, I would love to read it. I mean, yeah, there's no notes. No notes. Yeah, I couldn't think of a note if there was a gun to my head. No, no notes on that. That's awesome. Yeah, we'd like to read that immediately.

The concept of it takes place in a drag bar over three years. Yeah, that was the part I really was like three. three years in one location, drag bar? That's awesome. Cut back, we're still in the drag bar. Two years later? Yeah, still in the drag bar. Yeah, I love that. I mean, that if it really does take place in one location, that could be a play. You know, you put that on as like a drag musical. A three year play. So like people have to really commit. Yeah, a play that takes real time three years. Wow, that's gorgeous. That would be an interesting theatrical experience. Yeah. You can come and go. Yeah, it's very much like the pit coded.

where it's like, yeah, this is... It's in real time. In real time. And it takes place over three years. Yeah. And you have to be here. You're allowed to come and go. But like the play's still happening.

Yeah, the play's still happening. So it's whatever you want to check in on these people. Yeah. And if you come at night, like sometimes they're just asleep. Yeah. And then sometimes they're like having drama. But God, you're... So many people will miss huge chunks of the plot.

Yeah. And how long would a script be for three years? Three years long of pages. Right. Yeah. Because one page is one minute. Right. So three years of it. Right. Yes. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We approve and yes. We'd like to read it. We would love to read it so much. I would like to read that. My podcast warns. So my question is about drinking. I am newly 19, which is the legal age to drink alcohol in Canada and from Canada. And I'm generally a pretty responsible gal. But every time I drink, I get literally black.

go drunk. I cannot stop. Like usually I'm like pretty, I got together. But every time I've gone out with my friends, I get way too drunk and ultimately don't remember the night. And it's not great. I can't have a good time, but it's bad. It's very bad. So I need some advice. Thank you.

Okay, well, it's good to be aware. Yeah, 100%. You are still figures. out your relationship to alcohol. Yes. You're still figuring out like your tolerance. That is incredibly normal, I think, when you first start, you know, being able to drink and going out and partying with friends and, like, 19 is an age that makes a lot of sense for

that to be a thing that you're, like, figuring out. I wonder if you have kind of like an at-home hang with your friends. Yes. That is, like, themed, like, what should we all like when we go out? Yeah, because that's another thing, too, is that, like, sometimes. when I would get too drunk when I was in college, it was because I was like drinking multiple different things or I didn't know what I really liked and and or just also like you go crazy sometimes. Yeah, like what if you're like tonight we're going to try, you know, having like three

cocktails and we're going to see how we feel. How that feels. And like if we feel like at, if we add one and we feel like, oh, now I feel a little bit worse. And now I know. Let's do three for the night when we go out. Now I know like three is kind of my sweet spot. Yeah. You know, it's nice to have a sweet spot where you're like, oh, this is where I'm fun drunk and not like this is going to be a bad night. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And also just like, yeah, I did not do this when I was your age, but stay safe. And there's, it's so funny because I'm like, when I'm thinking about when I was 20, I was like, yeah, I had 11 shots of fireball at a party once. And then I browned out and then I eat a sandwich and I walked there. And like, but then I think about you being 19.

I'm like, wait, wait, wait, wait, protect yourself. Like, be okay. Like, don't, don't black out, you know, unless you are home with friends or with people that you know are going to take care of you because it's dangerous and you're wonderful. But at the same time, people be drinking. Listen, I think making like a fun night of it of being like, what's kind of our vibe? Yeah. Should we try different types of drinks? Like what do we think is our like limit?

Yeah. Yeah. And just yeah, don't be hard on yourself or mean to yourself about it. But also, yeah, take care of yourself. And drinking's fun. I don't know, man. Yeah. I think just, you know what?

It's mostly just a matter of like what is going to be the sweet spot for you so that you don't end up feeling like, oh, tonight was such a waste. Yes. Like just have an idea of like what's my sweet spot. Yeah. That is good. Yeah. Because then if you go over it, you're going to know, like, this isn't going to be up.

Yeah. Yeah. Know your limits. Test your limits. Yeah. At home. At home. With friends, not machine elves.

Yes. Do ayahuasca? Yeah. Hey, Sid and Olivia. My name is Julia. Colin from Chicago. And I just need to help because I have no idea what I should do with my life. I'm 23.

I graduated from college in 2020. Oh my god, I'm not 23. I'm 24. Oh, that's so bad. Something's down to draw. I work in environmental consulting now, but would love to be back in the public interest space. And, you know, it's kind of a horrible time to be working in the environment. I've lived in Chicago for seven years now, and I think it's time to go. And I just need some help deciding what's next. So, thanks so much for anything you can provide. Should we play MASH for Julia?

Yeah. Yeah. We're going to play MASH. Yeah, I think we should play MASH for Julia to figure out what your life is going to be. Yeah. Okay, Julia, this is your MASH. Julia's MASH. Okay, so first of all, Julia said, what was the career that we had?

Environmental, in the environmental field. Okay, so careers. Mm-hmm. we're going to go environmental something. Environmental career. Yeah. Okay. What are some other options?

A danger. Oh, yeah. You could be a danger to yourself and others. That's a career. I think maybe, and then we have to throw in some, we have to have some good ones, some bad ones. Yeah, absolutely. So maybe one of your careers is you're a software developer for Kalshi. Yeah, that's a bad one.

Bad one. But you'll probably make money. Kalshi Software Developer. And then the other one is, um, oh, maybe a surgeon in the pit? Yes, you're a surgeon in the pit. You're in the fictional world. In the fictional show the pit. Yeah.

That would be a good career. That would be great. So we have environmental job, a danger. Cali software developer, a surgeon in the pit. Yeah. And then maybe like one just for fun. Like, um, like your career is, um, you, find them.

You find them. That's a job. That is a job. Okay. Maybe a private investigator. I don't know. So location. You said you live in Chicago.

Yeah. You're like, I don't know if I want to be in Chicago. I don't know what the vibe is. So Chicago's an option. Chicago. What about in our house? Yes. What about you come live with us?

In the walls? Yes. In our walls. Yes. That's an option. Oh, what about the pit? Yeah. Wow.

Okay. The fictional. world. Yeah, the fictional, live in the, the emergency, the fictional emergency room. Yeah. Right, right, right, right, right. Um, another location you could live in. Magic school bus. Magic school bus is you get really small. Yeah. This is, this is like what a career counselor would never do for you. Uh, you know what? And that's why they pay us the big bucks. Okay. And then another location could be like Italy. Yeah. Okay. That's fun. Okay. Here's one. Let's figure out your age. Yes, I know, because you have, you seem to not know if you're 23 or 23 or 20. 24. Let's figure it out through mass. Yeah. Okay. So 23 is one option. 24. Let's go with 466. Yeah, sure. What if you're 466 years old?

We can. Yeah. What if you're not born yet? Yeah. Not born yet. Yes. In utero. In utero. Yeah. Okay. Okay. So those are some options for your eight. Yeah. And then should we do like, I don't know, like your, your home or, family life? Yeah, yeah. Mary maybe or how many kids you'd have? Yeah, let's see what your family life would be. Yeah. Family life.

Mm-hmm. Okay, so like, let's say single and sexy. Yeah, yeah. Is an option. Yeah. Let's say, cheating on God. Cheating on God is an option because we all do that at some point in our 20s. And sometimes people, you know, you lean into it.

Sometimes you lean in. Yeah. Oh, another option is a polycule. Yes. Um, with, um, I don't know, who machine elves. Machine elves. Yeah, that's probably good. A polycule with machine elves.

That's pretty good. Um, what else? Um, oh, polycule with the cast of the pit. Yes, right, right, right. And then also you could always do, you know, um, I'm trying to think of another. Like your standard marriage, maybe? standard marriage with let's say your standard marriage with let's say the vacuum from telitubbies yeah with telotubby vacuum okay great okay and then of course um mash mansion apartment shack house

yeah so um Olivia tell me when to stop I'm going to spiral okay I'm spiraling I'm spiraling tell me stop okay great one two three four Gosh, this is so exciting. One, two, three, four, no house. Sorry. One, two, three, four, no surgeon in the pit. Okay. One, two, three, four, no magic school bus.

One, two, three, four, no six, six, six. Oh, that sucks. One, two, three, four, no polycule with machine elves. Okay, that's so stupid. Three, four, you're not a danger. Julia, I'm mad at your life. One, two, three, four, you are not going to be living in our walls. Ah.

One, two, three, four, you're not 24. Oh my God. Congratulations. You're not going to be cheating on God. Oh, my God. What is this? Three, four. No apartment.

Okay. One, two, three, four. Not finding them as a career. Okay. One, two, three, four, you're not 23. Whoa. One, two, three, four. You're not going to be in a polycule with the cast of the pit.

Are you stupid? One, two, three, four. You're not an environmental job, which means that. that your career is you are a Cali software developer. One, two, three, four. Oh, you're not 46, which means you're in utero. Whoa. Wow, that's really impressive for a fetus to be a Cali software developer.

So impressive. You never hear about people that young coming Cali software developers. Yeah, that's crazy. One, two, three, four. Oh, you live in a mansion. Oh, this is good. This is you. Oh, you're the most important.

impressive fetus ever. One, two, three, four, you're not single and sexy, which means you're in a standard marriage with the telotubby vacuum. Now, here's a question. Is that okay? Because of the in utero thing? Yeah. But the telotuby vacu's nothing, right? How old is the teletubic? Can we look up how old the telethia? Yeah. Nunu, the blue vacuum, first appeared in the show's premiere 1997. The, um, the rule is the naughty new new cleaner. The character's 29. Okay, so here's the thing. At some point, we'll have a girl's night. We'll talk about having a little bit worried about your relationship.

Julia, you did this. I didn't do this. There's a 30-year age gap and your partner is 29. Yeah, Julia, you did this. I didn't do this. Not to victim blame. No, not to victim blame at all, of course. But you did marry Nunu.

I didn't do it. Okay, so the upside, right, is that the mansion's going to be so clean. Totally. The mansion's going to be so... You're of like a really high-end life. And also the other upside is we don't know what vacuum years are to human years. That's true. That's true.

We just don't know. 29 years old for a vacuum. You know who could tell us 100% is the machine elves. Right. But we just have to figure out how to access them without MASH. I can't some of them. So here's the thing. The thing I realized during this is MASH is a really good way to be grateful for what you have.

You have to figure out where you live, though. One, two, three, four. Not Chicago. go one, two, three, four, not Italy. You live in the pit. Whoa. So Julia hears your life. In a mansion inside the pit.

You live. So you're like... Inside of the fictional hospital, the pit. Wow. You are a Kalshi software developer. You don't work in the pit. No. Which means you're probably a patient.

Which makes sense because you are in uterone. And you're married to. A vacuum cleaner. Julia, I hope that. answered your question. I know you're probably looking for some honest advice, but this is pretty honest. This is better. Okay, Julia, give us your address and I'll send you. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so that's your future, Julia. Thanks for asking. Thank you, Julia. Thank you, Julia. Hey, David. Hi, David. Long time, listener, first time caller. I'm calling because

a lot of my friends, not a lot of my friends, but I started having friends. actually has kids now, and it's very strange for me because I don't consider myself being in a place where I want to have kids. Yeah. Anytime within the next 10, maybe a million years, I don't know. So my question to you guys is, baby now or baby never, that meaning that you can either have a kid now, and when I mean now, I mean like a kid shows up on your doorstep that is your genetic kid somehow, and is you birthed them, it just sort of happens.

and you now have to take care of this kid, you just have a kid, or you can never have kids for the rest of your life. Oh, my God. This is honestly, only an interesting question, if you are planning on having kids. And also, yeah, another question is, if you plan on having kids, if you do baby now, how many kids?

Because you can only get all your kids in one shot. Oh, my God. If you go baby now, you can get all your kids. Baby now or baby never. Whoa. This is a great game. This is an amazing game. Like, I don't know if you trademarked this.

Yeah. But it is a good game. This is an amazing game. Because it's a hard question. It's really hard. Baby now. Unless you don't want kids at all, in which case is an easy question. Yeah.

But baby now or baby never. Oh my God. What would you do legitimately? Yeah. Realistic. Yeah. If you open your door. Yeah.

And there's a child on your doorstep. Yeah. With a note that says this is your genetic makeup. This is your child. What do you do? Well, I'd have a panic attack to start because where did it come from? What? Once I got over that, right.

Once the stork flew in, fucked up my shit. Wait, can I keep the stork? Yeah, wait, okay. Wait, this is what they don't tell you. And this is what they don't tell you about the classic game baby now or baby never. You can keep the stork. When the stork drops off the baby at your doorstep, do you get to also keep the stork? Yeah.

Because I am interested in having a pet store. Well, also, if the stork knows basic childcare, then that could be. be like help around the house. And it takes a village. Yeah. And also like I don't know, you know, is this your, is this your genetic makeup with the current partner you're with? Or is this just like a mitosis clone baby? I'm going to say it's a, it's a probably a mitosis club baby. Or like, do you know your genetics are in it, but you're not sure who the other genetics are? Could be the stork. Could be the stork. What if the stork drops off a baby and it's like, yeah, it's half me. It's half you, queen. I think I'd be more okay with that than completely.

Completely not knowing what the other person's genetics are. But would you pick baby now or baby never? I know it's so tough. I really don't know. It's so hard. And because, okay, because for me personally, the reason I am afraid of having kids is because I'm afraid of having kids irresponsibly. I feel like I would most likely pick baby never because if I'm thinking, baby now. I'm like, okay, here's all the things I'd have to change in my life to make sure that, like,

I'm giving this other human being, you know, the best shot at everything. And they're not just like, like, it can never be about me ever again. Yeah. If we're talking baby now, I mean, maybe that's a crazy thing to say. But I just feel like for me, the way I would do it, I would like want to make sure that, that like, I am not going like, well, I'm still in, like, I don't know. I wouldn't want to live as irresponsibly as I'm living. I know. I will also say like I think that sometimes like to me it's not a huge priority of like having yeah my children be my DNA. Right right right right right. Like if I do decide to have kids I'm so not against adopting. Right. So not against like fostering. Yeah. Something I'm interested in. Yeah. So I would probably pick baby never. I think just because I would

feel so bad for a baby that would arrive in my life now that unless it was half human, half stork, I'd pick baby never. And if it was half human half stork, I'd pick baby this second. Yeah, I would say I would pick baby now if it's half human half stork. Then we could start a business based on that. And what's the business? Pictures, photo ops, like an old timey, like, like, you know. Oh, like making it a circus freak.

Yeah. Oh, that's bad. Okay. Can you say you want to give your baby the most? Not if it's half stork. If it's half stork, you can do whatever you know, I'm getting. Judgmental. No, I would say I would take the opportunity to have a baby that was half stork because I don't know if I'd ever have that opportunity ever again.

Yeah, I do agree with that actually. Because I do think I want to see what the kind of fucked up shit that can do. And if it's person with wings and beak, that would be. I'm really in. Like, you can do everything. The things I couldn't provide for that child, it could provide itself with wings and beak. Yeah, I agree. Yeah. Okay. So that's our answer for baby.

That's a really, really good question. Really great question. I wanted to ask a question about I work at a school and there's a girl that I work with who is like six, seven years old, first grader who kind of rules the entire school. Like her class will go out to the playground and she will refuse to go inside and then the entire class, every first grader in the school. will stand outside in the cold while the teachers argue with her to go inside, that kind of thing. It's kind of a baller. No one really does to do with her, including the principal who agrees that she's in charge of the school. She will do things like when you're teaching a class to sort of unplug their projector. It's very hard to know what you do.

And yeah, no one knows what to do. Last time this happened to me and I was trying to keep something and she unplugged or started actually actually didn't just sort of fucking with a projector. We just took everyone else in the class outside. So that was a temporary solution. So I don't know. Advice. I actually don't think we should be giving advice on this.

I think that little girl should be giving us advice. Yeah. That is. Because that's like power. That's a lot of power. That's a lot of power to have at six, seven. Yeah. A child who's six years old being like,

I'm going to be such a nuisance that all the other kids in the class have to go outside. Yeah. Is the only way to fix it is everyone else has to fuck up their day. Yeah. I am kind of like, teach me your way. Yes. And like obviously there's a part of me that's like, oh, everyone should learn to function and be good to each other. But also like, we live in a very freaky world right now.

And I'm kind of like, okay, maybe this girl has telekinesis and maybe we can all learn something from her. Yeah. Maybe this is like modern day Matilda. Yeah. And maybe we're entering an apocalypse situation. Yeah. We might need her powers. We might need her powers.

Yeah. So I would say until we're 100% sure we don't need her powers, keep doing what you're doing. And yeah. And if she bites you, you might get those powers. So true. You could also see what happens there. Yeah. I think that's crazy.

Yeah. That's a really interesting dynamic that you have there at that school. Yeah, the principal being like, well, this six-year-old man, she's in charge of me. It's like, yeah, I kind of, at that point, like, I got to interview this kid. Yeah, who is this kid? Hi, Sylvia. I can't stop quoting, she's beauty and she's gray. She'll kill the human race.

I'm concerned that this sounds far too yucky when spoken of my man-mouse. What happens now? What happens now? What happens now? You know what? That's such a good point. Nothing happens now. Everything and nothing.

Everything and nothing. The machine elves come. I think honestly, you can say that as much as you want. And I think you are loud. I thought you said you are loud. You are loud. I think say it loudly. No, you are allowed to say that as much as you want.

100%. I don't think there's anything wrong with saying she's beauty and she's gray. She'll kill the human race. No, no, just in it like if you're saying that over and over and over again, and some people might get annoyed, but they'd be getting annoyed by me doing it, too, because I do that. I think you're fine. I think you can absolutely say that out loud coming from your man mouth. She's grace.

She'll kill the human race. That's from one of our sketches. Yeah. Yeah, that's fine. I don't think, I can't think of anything wrong with that. And I'm racking my brain to come up with every angle. So I think you're fine. I think you're good.

Yeah. I think nothing happens. No, I think nothing happens unless you want it to. Yeah. Hey, guys. So I'm Adam. Hi, Adam. And I was, thanks.

So I have a, I also similar to you, have a best friend who I am very, and we also often talking in unison to the dismay of everyone. So the difference with us that we've known each other for our entire life. And so that's why we're like this. Yeah. But you guys haven't known each other for your entire lives. That's true. That's true. So I was wondering, how do you two think that you would be different had you have grown up together?

How would you have influenced each other and such? All right. Bye. Thank you for the question, Adam. I would be taller. Right. Yeah. If I knew you since I was baby.

Yeah. The biggest thing is like we've, we've. We met at I was 15. Yeah, I was 14. 14 and 15? Yeah. So I guess, yeah, it would be our like childhood, childhood years. Yeah.

And like baby time. Babby. I'm trying to think of something genuine. I bet I'd be more into musical theater. Yeah, maybe. And also I think like there's the other part of it, which is during. those years that we didn't know each other, 10 of them, I was in Vegas. Yeah. So I'd be a gambler. Were you in Vegas also or was I in L.A.? I used to go to Vegas for my birthdays because I thought

it was when I was like a little kid, I was like, I like Vegas because I thought it was just hotel with Wave Pool. Okay. So then maybe in this world you convinced your family to move to Vegas and live in a wave pool. And live in a wave pool. Yeah. So then if we knew each other from Vegas, We'd be prunier because we'd both be in a wave pool for like 10 years. Yeah. Which would be, we'd just be more chlorinated. Yeah. It's like I'm trying to think of the parts of your personality that you develop early, early, early.

Yeah. Not when you're like 14. I'm trying to imagine, yeah. You know what? Yeah. I probably would have tried convincing my parents to get me more pets. Yes. I feel like if I had seen like, oh, yeah, the amount of pets you had, I would probably have really pushed.

Yes. And been like, guys, we need more pets. Absolutely. Because we didn't even have any pets until I was in fourth grade. Wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, that's definitely that. That absolutely.

So I probably would have really pushed. Yeah, yeah. And yeah, I wonder if what else? I feel like we would have in real life, like we probably would have played the Sims together a lot. Yep. And made movies because we both. did that. Like we both like would make crazy weird stuff. And it would have been, it would be interesting to see what that would be like together. Because a lot of mine was like wearing bald caps and

wearing crazy outfits and playing a bunch of different characters and filming myself eating and playing it backwards. Well, that's all I was doing. Yeah. I was always wearing a bald cap. Yeah. And I was always wearing a fake beer. So it would most likely just be two little kids in bald cap fake beer. Yes. And one of them's eating backwards. And one of them's eating backwards. And one of them's feeding forward. Yes. Oh my God. And they're both in a wave pool. Yeah. So that's actually probably what that would have been like. I would be throwing up in a wave pool, wearing a bald cap. Yeah. Two bald cap children throwing up in a wave pool. Yeah, absolutely. So that's what that would have been. Yeah. Hello. One time I got high and my first thought was I want to become God. Right.

So, and something I know about God is that it's supposed to be omniscient. So he's supposed to know everything. So I thought every possible hypothetical scenario, in every possible reality with every possible iteration of every possible physical aspect of like a scene, I have to know it. I have to know everything about it. I started thinking about everything I could possibly think of. How would you become God? Okay, great question.

How would you become God? I guess I'd be dead. Yeah, I guess. Okay, so my first impulse to this voicemail is I want to see someone do it like a dance, an interpretive dance to it. 100%. 100%. Which is also a very easy way to become God.

100%. Okay, Leah, let's pitch like top five ways to, become God. Yeah. Hi, this is Jubilee's top five ways. It's not Jubilee. What is it? Watch Mojo's top five ways to become God.

I think some sort of human sacrifice. Right. Probably. Probably. Probably like. Probably like. Sacrifice, hopefully a bad person. Yeah.

Someone on the list. I don't think. Yeah, absolutely someone on the list. I don't believe in in human sacrifice of anyone who doesn't deserve it. No, I agree. I also think, I actually. recently found out something, found out something. Yeah. I recently learned something about people who would go to Hawaii and try to roast marshmallows over a volcano. Oh, wow. And I do think there's

something about a volcano. Yes. That is very God. God vibes. Absolutely. So I think maybe doing something into a volcano could, yeah, like, maybe giving birth into a volcano. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or, um, or, could make you God. Or having sex with a volcano. Could probably make you God. It would either kill you or make you God. And I think there's a lot of things like that, right? Yeah, most things will either kill you or make you God. I would say, obviously, I know this is like, shouldn't even be on the list, but obviously if you conquer the machine elves, if you tame them, you could probably be back. And enlist them as like your army. That's definitely what God does. Another thing, another really good way to become God. People won't tell you this. Yeah.

Is to convince people that you're God without being God. That is a really easy way. And it is a thing. It's probably the easiest way. People have done throughout history. Yes. Constantly. It's pretty easy, actually. Yeah. Tell somebody like, no, I talked to God.

Yeah. They told me, I'm God. And then if someone hears that sentence and goes like, that checks out, they'll probably think your God. Yeah. It is a real. And then you get to have like a big crew of people just following you around. And you get to like be nexium's leader.

Yes. Reneery. And you get to just kind of do a bunch of cool shit. Yeah. like stuff that lands you in jail. Yeah. So forevermore. Part of being God is you do end up with that method.

With that one is you will end up in jail forevermore. Also, a way that you can be God without risking your life and not ending up in jail forever more is God to Bugs. Oh my gosh. You could always be the God to Bugs. Yeah, you could be God to Bugs. You're so large, they're so small. You can make Bugs City in your house.

They don't get it. Like if you show a whole civilization of bugs, something that only a human can do. They'd be like, that's God. They're going to be like, that's God. All right. So that's God. That's God. Yeah.

Especially if you, yeah, if you just start like, if you send a tidal wave in sometimes. Yeah, which would to you be just a cup of water. That's and that's really God. That's God-Code. That's God-Code. That's God-Maxing. That's God-Mach. Is there one more way?

I feel like we have four. Yeah, I'm sure there's another way to be. become God. According to the internet, if you, on platforms like Reddit, some argue that becoming God is about healing from trauma, accepting one's humanity, and understanding that you are already divine in human form. See, here's the thing about that. Yeah. That I don't buy that one. Feels like a cop out. No, I feel like all the other ones I buy, but I don't buy that one. I really don't. No, I think maybe drinking some mysterious elixir. I was going to say eating a bunch of glow sticks. Yeah, I think something like that. Something's got to be in those things. Something.

Make them glow. Yeah. And that will probably make you. you God. What is inside of a low sick? And things that, things like that, what is the rule with God? It either kills you or it makes you God. Uh, yeah. What doesn't kill you makes you God now. Yeah, what doesn't kill you makes you God. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Is, can you look up, is God inside, is God inside glow stick? Is God inside toxic glow stick? Yeah. Uh, physically glow sticks contained. no deity. That's the AI overview, but rather hydrogen peroxide. Oh, and I'm always mixing those up. Yeah. Yeah. So maybe next time we'll do top mojo, watch mojo's top five ways to become hydrogen peroxide. Right, right. Because it's, yeah. It's one or the other. I mix them up all the time.

Yeah, thank you for asking. Wow. That's a gorgeous question. It's a really good question. Thank you for all your questions, you guys. I hope our answers were answers. Yeah. And it has been so lovely to have you here if you'd like to see more episodes Uncut early Extended extended uncensored If you want to see movie nights Hey we want to see us do shit

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