Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - WE'RE MATCHMAKERS

Episode Date: October 15, 2024

Syd & Olivia just got their dream jobs! Being matchmakers for free for no one. It's VERY exciting. And they want to match YOU up with your dream person!!! DM them at @sydandolivia on IG and give them a description of what you're looking for and they might just find you a match! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

to sit in a little bit talk shit this is season three episode june yeah here we are back again everybody how's it going oh it's absolutely swell how are you oh i'm i've never been sweller i've never been more swollen today we're sitting on the floor today we're sitting on the floor so we can swell up nice nice and big yeah and that's the plan the plan is to get so swollen by the end of this that we are unrecognizable oh i want to be wheeled away i'm going to try to find so many things i'm allergic to and ingest them during this entire episode. Great. Yeah.

So like penicillin? Penicillin, yep. Mostly penicillin. So before we feed Olivia a giant vat of penicillin, we were thinking about like, you know, if we didn't do whatever this weird job is, what is the kind of thing we would want to do? Right, right, right, right. And, you know, there's, most people say like, oh, if I, if I didn't want to, if I could do something

that's not being an entertainment, I would do it. Right. You know, if you can do anything else, do it. I just couldn't do anything else. But that's not the case for us. No, that's not the case because we're actively trying to switch careers to this and no one will let us. Well, no one will pay us for it. Right.

People will let us do it, but they won't pay us for it. Right. People will let us do it for free and not pay us for it, which is actually similar to where we're at right now. But it is true. Olivia and I, for years now, have been trying to be. For years to come. For years to come.

For years now and years. to come. We have been trying to be matchmakers. Uh, we want to be matchmakers so badly. Yeah. And you might say that's an outdated profession and I say, fuck off. Like literally fuck off. You, jump into traffic. Jump into the LA River. Jump into the LA River and get all the gum and you inside of your body. Fuck off. And then pay us money for our services. Yeah. Yeah. Because we just matched you with the fucking LA River. Yeah. Jump in, bitch. So yeah, that's what we're trying to do. We're trying to match people with rivers that they should jump into. No, we're trying to bring people true love, happiness, and joy. I love, true love, happiness, and joy. Like, it's very, like, name three better things.

Name three better things, am I right? Name a better trio, I will wait. I'm like actually turning into like a fucking robot. Name a better trio than true love, happiness and joy. I will wait. I will wait. Um, but, but the thing about it is like, uh, we really desperately want to be matchmakers, but we've been trying to match up our friends and we have realized that the only people in our matchmaking Rolodex. We do have a Rolodex. And I meet new people and I always say, oh, I'll add you to the Rolodex. And I'm not lying.

No, I've said it so many times. I'll add you to the Rolodex. And what I mean is a Google Doc, but I'll add you to the Rolodex. Yeah, there's a real Google Doc. And the problem is that everyone in our Rolodex is just a girl. Yeah. And that works for some girls who are also interested in girls. But it doesn't work for.

all of the girls we have in our Rolodex who are like, I'm looking for a dude. Yeah. And then we have like maybe one or two dudes in our Rolodex. It's very not proportional. We'll try out those guys and then by the time we're like, oh my God, this would be a perfect match. That guy's already like kind of seeing someone. We don't even know.

Like that's not even from the matchmaking service, which is kind of rude if you ask me. Just because we haven't talked to you in a couple months. Doesn't mean you can go date someone who's not on our Rolodex. Just because you're not paying a subscription to us to do any sort of service for you. And we're doing it because we want to. It doesn't mean you can carry on normally. No, you, I think everyone should know that when you hang out with us, right afterward you have to pause in a cryo chamber. Is that what it's called where you freeze yourself?

Yeah. I'm going to say yes. Okay, you have to pause in a cryo chamber and then be exactly the same until next time we see you. Exactly. Because I can't handle the change. Too much change already. Too much change. So anyway, keep the change.

So here's, keep the change. Give a better trio. I'll wait. Now, so here's the deal. Yeah. We're offering a matchmaking service. Oh yeah, we are offering a real matchmaking service. To you, the audience for absolute free.

Because guess what? We already do it for free. We already do it for free. So if you are single and you want to find a match, okay? Yep. You have to DM us on Instagram. You're a little bit about yourself, a little bit about what you're looking for. And we're going to match you with somebody from our Rolodex.

Yeah. And maybe we'll do it on the air at some point. Yeah, I would love to do that. Do people say it on the air when it's a podcast? That doesn't really make sense. Do you think I fucking know? I don't know. You got really hostile there.

But no, seriously, like, send us a little bio, send us some picks. Send us some picky, pickies. And say what you're looking for in a person, because everyone's different. I don't know what you're looking for. I don't fucking know you. I don't know you. Unless we do. Unless we do.

In which case. Why are we doing that? Yeah, why are you beginning us? Just text us. but I will say there is one a, what do you call this? A rule. There's a rule.

You got to be over 18. Oh yeah, no kids. No kids. I'm not going to match up a kid with an adult by accident. I'm not doing that. I'm not matching up a kid with a kid on purpose. No, I'm not matching a kid with anyone. Kids don't belong in my Rolodex.

No, there's no kids in my Rolodex. My Rolodex is adults only. Call me an old-fashioned. If you don't know what a Rolodex is, is you're not allowed in my Rolodex. That's so fair. There you go. And we are too young to know what a Rolodex is, but we only know what it is because of improv class in high school.

My 100-year-old grandmother tells me I have an old soul. So, well, I love that. There you just knew it all along. I just knew it all along. Yes, send us what you're looking for, the type of person you're looking for, what you're into, not like sexually. No, we don't want to know. If you're like, oh, I just really want someone who's funny.

Yeah. And then, yeah, cool. And then we'll match you on the air. We've each individually successfully matched. matched one couple. True. Each. We have never done it together.

There's a lot of things we haven't done together. Oh, yes. Speaking of which, speaking trio, I'll wait, speaking of which when we were in Europe, we were actively trying to fall in love with each other. Oh my God, it was so hard. It was so hard. We've known each other for way too long. No, we've known each other for way too long.

We're essentially married. At this point, like, when you're married, you can't fall in love. Everybody knows that. it. That would ruin the marriage. We tried everything. We took a romantic gondola up the Swiss Alps. Yeah. We sat across each other and side by side. Neither worked. Yeah. We, um, we, we did a couple's massage. We did a couple's massage called the Cretian mystery. Yeah. We thought the mystery would be falling in love. And yet it was not. Um, what else did we do? We shared a lovely bottle of wine. I thought you were going to say a lovely bed, which we also did. We shared a bed like most nights. It just

didn't work for us. Stop trying to get it to happen. If you haven't, oh, I was going to say if you have any tips on how to get it to happen. Okay, here's the thing. We tried, we really did try our best. It just didn't happen for us. This time. Not this time. This time around. Not this time. I think we've just known each other too long. Yeah, well, that means one of us has to change personalities. One of us has to have like a huge- Honey, I'll do that every day. One of us has to have a huge crisis and- Honey, I do that every day. I was going to say, it's going to be, me. He's going to be me. So anyway, that brings us to our first segment. No, it doesn't. They can. That brings us to our first segment. You can fucking can. No it sure doesn't.

Absolutely can. No segue needed. This is a segment called celebrity matchmakers hit it. Yeah, because we can't hear it at this point in time. It's perfect. So here's a segment where we match up famous individuals with someone we believe would be absolutely perfect for them. It's pretty self-explanatory. Because no one's DMs. us yet. No one's DMed us yet. Because we haven't even told you to in real time. Yeah. We're going to have to start with celebrities. So we're, we don't know what the other person's going to say. We've just written down some things that we think are worth discussing. Yeah, yeah. Who do you, who do you think is like a worthy match? Okay. Um, so I've, I've, I've, I've,

I've been thinking a lot about Sabrina Carpenter. She's very in the zeitgeist, right? She sure is. She sure is in the zeitgeist. And I was thinking, well, who would be like, like, I've, I've, I've been, like her perfect fit. I don't know. Who's the cute boy with the white jacket and the thick accent? With the white jacket? I don't know. But with the white hat,

I'm going to pitch Papa Smurf, the father of all the Smurps. Because, hear me out, they both like blue, they're both small, they're both sexy, and they both know who they are. And you hate it.

No, I'm, I'm, you hate it. No, I don't, no, I don't hate it. Can you imagine it, though? Because they're the same size. They're not the same size. One of them's animated. But I mean...

They're like the same size and they're both sexy. Well, one of... And they both know who they are because one of them is 562 years old. Okay. And the other one is like the one of the three pop girlies of the year. And she's like 25. Yeah. It's a bit of an age gap.

Yeah, but... I think you're justifying a really large age gap. Yeah, but like he doesn't age. He does in that he's 562 years out? But like, wait, hold on. Let me like quadruple. check how old is Papa. Yeah, because you don't want to have somebody angrily comment, like, I know how old he is. Well, no, it would have 546. Okay, so actually, I changed my answer.

I don't think, I think that's too old. Too old. So the 526 was like fine, but 546 is like, that's too much. That's another 20 years. That's so much. Oh, he's got a red hat too. He's got a white beard. Damn. Damn, you're off. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. I still think it could work. No, I'm sure I could. I'm just speaking in terms of vibe. Yeah. There's a vibe there. Like, have you ever seen them interact?

Well, no, I've never actually seen them interact because one of them's a drawing and one of them's real. I think there's like a fucking vibe there. For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. I mean, listen. They're both small.

They're like the same size. They're not. One of them's a drawing. But like I hear you. Right. No, I hear you. Right. I hear you.

Okay. I like being heard. I'm mostly. caught on the age gap. Okay, no, that's super fair. I mean, listen, it's Hollywood baby. It's Hollywood baby. It's Hollywood baby. There'll be age gaps out here. There'd be age gaps out here, baby. There be age gaps out here, baby. And also like, who's he supposed to fucking date then? That's true. Mama's burff? Never. Never. Never. They're married. They can't be in love. You're so right about that. Okay, here's a match I have. Um, now, obviously we all know about

the sexy green Eminem. Yeah. So hot. So hot. Well, not, not recently as much anymore. Why? Well, they made the sexy green Eminem less sexy like a couple years ago. Tucker Carlson had like Lola Bunny. Yeah. They lullabonied her, which I'm like she can wear whatever she wants, but Tucker Carlson had like a public meltdown about it. Oh, he was attracted to the sexy green Eminem. Yeah, I think I think a lot of people.

So I want to go back to the first iteration of the sexy green Eminem. Okay. Okay. So picture the sexy green Eminem. The first era. The first era. In her old era. In her old sexy era.

Yeah. Very admirable because she really takes up space. right she's brat and she's loud and she's proud she's got like a smirkiness like yeah like a smart like yeah yeah and she really stands out in a crowd yeah and she like deserves she's a she's a piece of a giant piece of chocolate in green shit yeah and she like she takes up space she stands out in a crowd and so I want to match her up with somebody who deserves to take up more space but hasn't really been encouraged too. Oh, wow. So I'm going to match the green Eminem with my girl, Anne Frank. So you don't love

that one. It actually works because Anne Frank is not, is canonically not very, she's not straight. She's not straight. No, but the green Eminem is not straight. I think, is not straight. Yeah. There's no way. She's at least, she's at least dabbling. No, she's not, she's not straight. Hardline street. No, no, I've literally, no, I've literally, no, that's actually heard. I've never heard. I've never heard of say that. So the thing about it is, okay, so Annie, our girl, Anne Frank, always has to be hidden. It sucks. I want her to feel like she can express herself like loudly and proudly and be feminine.

In like hopefully like a different era than when she was because like she couldn't really express herself. Right, right, right. And I do believe that the green Eminem is Jewish. So there is no conflict there. Okay, where do you get that? It's just feeling. Okay, I love that. I think it's like Jew recognized Jew.

Listen. It's a feeling. Listen, I'm not going to knock that what with me doing my whole vibe check earlier. Like, I'm not going to say that that's wrong. I just think they're both Jewish. There doesn't have to be a question of like. They're both biased. They're both by.

And they don't have to have sexy in their own way. Yeah, and they don't. I can't say that. Because aunt's a kid. Mm-hmm. No kids in my religion. But here's the thing. But like what, like, the truth is, like they don't have to like look at each other and

be like, what will we raise the kids? Like, a sexy, Jewish. I think they'll have to look at each other and go, what will be the kids? Right. What will the kids look like? Well, a mix between the sexy green Eminem and... Do you think there'll be a human person with a hard green candy coating shell? Mm-hmm. Or?

Or a fleshy... Uh-huh. Orb. I don't know what they'll be, but they'll be loved. That's really beautiful. Thank you. That's really... Okay.

I'm going to go... I'm going to go next. So I have one that I think is actually not bad at all. Okay. Someone who's very much in the zeitgeist and I think needs to find someone, not needs to find someone to settle down with, but deserves to find someone to settle down with if she wanted to. Who?

The Hawk Tua girl. Absolutely. She's been objectified. Yeah. She's been, I think. So hard because she's really only in that like five second video. Yeah. There's not that many descriptions.

No, she's so. So the thing about the Hawk Two is. Girl is, I'm just don't know much. I'm setting her up with someone. Great. Who I think she could do something for. Great. And I think they could do something for her.

And it's Eeyore. Oh. Yeah. Because Eeyore has incurable depression. And I think there's only one way to cure it. A blow job. Yeah, that talk too has been on that thing. Right?

And I think he would really accept her on a deeper level for who she is. I don't think he would objectify her. I think that he would. you know and he's country right Eeyore's like What? She's country She's like Southern And Eeyore is summer

No but like I don't know He's a That point didn't work He's from the what is it called Winnie the Pooh No no Yes He's from the what's the

What's the woods called The hundred acres Yeah 100,000 acre woods But he's woodsy He's woodsy And I feel like She liked fishing, I've heard, from.

From whom? From the internet. Okay. And also one thing I've heard her say is that she's like, she thinks that all boyfriends should have, like, trackers. So they can't cheat on you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She thinks all boyfriends should have, like, trackers.

Do you think she would hide the tracker inside of his little bow on his tail? She could. And the thing is, he's not that fast. No, in fact, he's slow. He's slow, so it would work. Because he's so sad. He's so sad. sad. He's so sad.

And at the end of the day, she just wants to track someone. Yeah, she just wants to track someone. He's so slow, perfect for tracking. I think she could help him with his depression, even though, you know, fight me if you disagree. No, I think that's absolutely perfect. You know who I'm setting up? Jeffrey Dahmer, who is a cannibal, who is a cannibal, with the Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascot. Who is who also is a cannibal. That's beautiful. Because the thing about it is there's no conflict because the cinnamon toast crunch eats cinnamon toast crunch and Jeffrey Dahmer eats people. And Jeffrey Dahmer's not going to eat fucking cinnamon toast crunch.

He's not fucking 12. Correct. He's an adult. He eats people. Yeah. He's a grown-up. He eats people like a grown-up. I'm not a child.

I don't eat breakfast. I'm an adult. I eat people. Yeah. No, I think that's beautiful. Yeah. And the thing about it is that they have something in common. Yeah.

But they don't cross over into each other's territories. Exactly. it's not like, oh, they're both stand-ups and there's going to be like, you know, a lot of friction there. Like, they're both cannibals, but I don't feel like they'd occupy any of the same spaces in a way that would be bad for their relationship. Right. And yeah, it's absolutely perfect. And Jeffrey Dahmer... They're both good looking. Yeah, they're both hot. Jeffrey Dahmer's... Yep, Jeffrey Dommer's gay. And the cinnamon toast crunch monster is the cinnamon toast crunch piece. Yeah, I think it's fluid. So that's great. I've seen him eat all sorts of pussy.

I've seen the cinnamon toast crunch eat all different sorts of all sorts of types of cinnamon toast crunch men. But is that his sexuality? Whoa, actually interesting question. And who you eat? And who you eat? Wait, wait, wait. Yeah, do you only eat, when you're a cannibal, do you only eat people you're attracted to? Excellent question.

Wow, thank God for this podcast. No. Yeah, now we're asking all the most important questions, no? And now we're just asking everything that's on your mind. No? No. we're saying what you're thinking no we're just saying what everyone's thinking no uh do you when you're a cannibal do you eat people hey if you have a cannibal fetish hey comment in the comments

comment in the comments below if you're a cannibal do you only people you're attracted to yeah that's a great question wow go us okay who else um I think this would actually be really good tell me okay Lisa van derpump right married but continue like Yeah, but like so is the green Eminem. I'm sorry? Yeah. No, she's not. Yeah.

Is she really? Yeah. I have to make a call. She's married to me. What? She's married to me. If you didn't see, I just slapped Olivia in the face. Yeah, and I turned my head too early.

Lisa Vanderpump, hear me out. Stoie Griffin. Because they're both British with evil energy. Perfect. Right? There's obviously one huge problem. No. Actually, I think for them it works.

That he's a baby? Yes, and here's why. I know this is going to get me canceled. You're going to get us canceled. Here's the thing. Lisa Vanderpump and I've said this a thousand times and I'll say it a thousand more, wants to fuck her dogs. Her small dogs, she holds them up and she calls them sexy.

She calls a goose sexy. Can I tell you, I have been searching for years, if not decades? No, just years. I've been searching for years for a YouTube compilation of Lisa Vanderpump calling her dogs sexy. To this day, I have not been able to find one. If you know one, send it to me. Yeah.

You can make one. Tag us. She has called Jiggy the dog. Yeah. Sexy. So many times it's like shocking. Yeah. And Stewie is like a tiny, tiny little baby dog kind of.

Right, right, right, right. So it makes sense that she would like to hold it in her hands and be like, oh, Sexy baby. If we're talking about it. But she doesn't want Brian. No. No.

No, God no. God, no. Stewie and her are like, kindred spirits. They're like maybe even too similar. Like, maybe she just needs someone a little bit more chill, but I don't know. I really see electricity there. Like, I think that he could really help her be evil.

Okay. I don't know if she's evil. And I feel like she can be, you know, in housewives, she can do some, like, devious stuff. She's had some moments. But I think they could really work together to, like, do some evil shit. Like take over the world. Yeah, I think they could.

And I don't think it'd be terrible. I think Stewie is who she wants. Brian the dog is who she needs. Oh, it's so beautiful. Thank you. Okay. He needs to, like,

calm her down. Yeah. Yeah. And she loves a dog. Anyway, that's just one. That's really beautiful. They're both British.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I feel like they both, like, do this, whatever they're putting your fingers together and, like, calling. Being evil. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, this one is like pretty self-explanatory. Okay. Clippy, the Microsoft animated paper clip should obviously be with. Yep. the Golden Gate Bridge. Yeah, next. I think he should jump. I think Clippy should jump.

Yeah, so you're saying B with the Golden Gate Bridge is in. He should jump. I'm so tired of Clippy. Oh, I'm exhausted by Clippy. I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted by, because I did say that I find him so sexy. And the thing that's... Clippy?

Yeah, when you said Glippy, I said so sexy. Oh. So going off that, I think what exhausts me about him is how much... much of a giant bonner I have all the time when I think of him, which is constantly. Here's the thing. I'm always thinking of Clippy. I always have a raging bonner. He needs to jump off the Golden Gate Bridge. It's the only way to kill my bonner. It's the thing about Clipby, and you really need to get rid of that bonner because it is in your way. Oh, it is getting in the way of everything. The thing about Clippy is I never see him because I don't even own Microsoft Word.

Oh my God. Then why do you want him to jump? Because I have such bad memories of him. That's fair. He was so degrading and rude while trying to be useful, so patronizing. He's so degraded. And like, my kink is getting degraded by Klippy. That's why I think he's so hot. Oh, right. I'm like, fucking tell me I'm not doing a very good job navigating Microsoft Word.

Yeah, that's true. I've always known that about you. I'm always asking people to say that. And that's why we can never be together. No, because you don't want to do that. It brings back trauma from your experiences with Klippy. It'd be so fucked up and sick if I, if I asked you to enter a sexual situation with me I was like, oh, be Clippy because you have trauma with Clippy and I'm only attracted to that.

Yeah. This was a really good episode of couples therapy on Showtime. Yeah, that was beautiful. Is it on Showtime? Fuck if I know. Okay. Okay, so I have another one that I think only you're going to understand, but I'm going to explain it. I don't care.

To me saying I don't care. Okay. Yeah. So Bellathorn, right? What do we know about Bellaforn? Red hair, dancing, shake it up. Shake it up. Shake it off.

She did Only fans? She did Only fans. And she was also Polly. What is she? Famously Polly. Oh, right, yes. Yep, famously Polly. Yes, that's true.

And that helped with this because I was thinking of like who was famously Polly, who could enjoy someone who only comes as a duo, which is the Flim Flam Brothers from My Little Pony. If you don't know who the Flim Flam Brothers are from my little pony. I'm Flim. He's Flam. We're the world famous Flam Brothers. I'm just going to Google the song really quick. Let me explain this to you really quickly. Olivia and I don't actually know who these dudes are.

Yeah, they're the Flam Flam Brothers. They're notorious. It's that we had, and I'm sure we've mentioned it before on the podcast, have we not. Oh, we've got to do an episode where we go through all the songs. That would be fun. Yeah, I'm sure we've mentioned it before. Yeah, we have a playlist. A playlist on Spotify called Sexy Songs for Sex.

and it's a long playlist we created in college of all of the most horrific, horrendous songs you could never ever have sex to. Like, I believe that there are like four or five versions of the monster mash on there. There's a cat eating wet food sound effects, ASMR, which is really bad. There's office vocabulary in Arabic. Yep, yep, there's a whole Bible verse spoken. It's like 14 minutes long. It's just not what you want to have sex to.

But one of the songs we found through making that playlist is this song called the World Famous Flim Flam Brothers. And now we want to be these for Halloween. Oh, that's an ad. So we love it. What if that was us? We just really quickly changed hats and we go like, I always wanted to have a hobby. Okay, so here we go.

The Flim Flam song. Fim Flam Brothers. Okay, that's pretty much all you need. They are con artists. They are villains. They are con artists. They sell cider to the ponies. But it's like they're like, it's not good cider.

And they're like, we've only gathered this. from this one song. Yeah, 100%. And one of them has a mustache. Yeah, and one of them has long, or I don't know, one of them has a mustache, one of them doesn't. Wait, I can't believe.

We've been wanting to be the Flim Flam Brothers for Halloween for years, and now it's finally October. I know. Should we just commit and be the Flim Flam Brothers? We totally could. I would anytime. Yeah, hey guys, let us know

if we should be the Flim Flam Brothers. So the thing about the Flim Flam Brothers and... Not just in general. I think Bella Thorne would get along with them. Yes. Well, they all have red hair. They all have red hair.

They're all poly. They all kind of do like, they're kind of alt. Yeah. You know? And they all, they're always scamming ponies. They're always scamming the ponies of the My Little Pony universe. Right. And they all sing and dance.

They all sing and dance. Yeah, no, I think they would actually get along swimmingly. And they all do K. Yeah, they do. Yeah, they do. Because it's horse. Horse tranquilizer. Yeah.

Also, for legal purposes, we don't know that Bellathorne does Kay. No, we don't... That's a strong guess. No, that's just something I said, and nothing I say on this podcast is real. For legal purposes, that's not a rumor we are starting. We have no idea if that's real. Also, for legal purposes, we are not actually trying to set up Bellethorne with the Flam Brothers.

We know that they are together. Yeah, we already know that they're together. In this time of their life. Perez Hilton has been reporting on it. We all know it's out there. I got one more for you. Okay, beautiful. Just one more.

I'd like to match. I'd like to match make the color navy with the color black. Very close. I think that would be pretty together. These two get a lot of bad press when they're together. People think it's like too similar. They can't be in the same outfit. But I think they are so similar and so chic that it might just work.

and they should both be together. I've got no argument with that. Okay. I think that's beautiful. Yeah. I think they should embrace it, be together. Well, that's beautiful. Yeah.

Is that the segment? I think that was the segment. So that was the segment. Obviously, like, the concept of matchmaking is old school. Inherently, right? Sure, it's like in Fiddler on the roof, which is, of course, iconic, but old school. Right, right, right. A most something sight.

It might not mean a thing, but then again, might. Wait, what? Is that Fiddler on the roof? Say it again? Fiddler on the roof, a something, something sight. It might not mean a thing, but then again, it might. I truly don't remember. Okay. Because if it's not, that's incredible, because that means I made that up. The biggest thing I remember from Fiddler on the roof is, may you be like Ruth and like Esther? You are always saying that. Which I do always say. No, that's not even a bit. You are always saying that. I'm always walking up to objects and being like, may you be like Ruth and like Esther? too.

You are, yeah, that's true. Because I want to bless the things around me. Is that what that does? I guess so. I am not very religious. That's how you bless. Okay, beautiful. So obviously matchmakers are a little old school and we know that the way to find love in today's world, in this economy.

Yeah. Is through reality dating shows. We are huge connoisseurs of reality dating shows. There are some great ones out there. Really good ones. And we've kind of figured out like the person. formula for a dating show. Right, right.

Because, and we're taking, we'll tell you the formula, right? And then we'll give examples with real dating shows. So the things, you really need three things. It's a three element. There's three elements. And you can argue about these, but you need a niche. Yep. A niche of the people in the show.

You need a twist. A twist. A twist. Uh-oh, what's the twist? Thank you for explaining that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you need absurd expectations. Yeah, for your entertainment. Let's explain this.

Yeah. So, the niche. A niche. From like a casting perspective. Who is this niche of people that we're getting to be in this? It can't just be anyone. Correct. Like, um, in,

in Melfth Manor. For example. The niche is Milfs and people who like to date Milf's, like little boys and sons. Yes. Um, and then in Miltf Manor season two, dads are brought into the picture.

Spoiler. Um, even like, uh, you know, well, I don't know if you guys know naked and afraid of love. Great show. Great show. But the niche would be people who... People who are comfortable just like... Being woodsy, outdoorsy.

They want to find people who want to go on adventures. They're outdoor. They're people who would sign up for naked and afraid and people looking for love. Now that's a niche. That's like a fucking niche. And then you have a twist. Yeah. Your twist.

Golden Bachelor. The twist is they're senior citizens. No, that's the niche. Sorry. Sorry. You moved on to Twist. I was still giving examples of niches. God damn it.

Like, yeah, like the niche in Golden Bachelors. Is there old people? Exactly. Right. It would be, you know what it would be a twist is if it's like a, if it's we're looking at it as a subsection of the bachelor, then the twist. Right, right, right. Right.

Absolutely. Okay, okay. Yeah. So now we're on the twist. Right. Okay. The twist, for example, is, it's the thing that keeps you watching. Right.

So like, what are you talking? It's like the log line where they go, a radical social. experiment. Correct. Insert twist here. For example, love is blind. Yeah. They date through a wall.

The twist is they can't see each other. Right. For too hot to handle. The twist is they can't hook up. Yeah. And obviously there is a niche for all these people. For too hot to handle. The niche is very, very sexy people who are very horny.

For people who want money and they all want money. For love is blind. It's people who are like, I just want the real deal. I want somebody who loves me on the inside. And I live in Boston. And I live in Boston or whatever city they're coming. And then the third thing is absurd expectations. For example, on love is blind, they have to propose if they want to see each other.

That's an absurd expectation. And both the twist and the absurd expectations are only bad for the contestants. Correct. And they're good for us. Yes. If you're on Bachelor. Yeah. The absurd expectation is that you have to be like so excited and so excited and so

happy to marry someone who you just saw like court date and make out with a bunch of people you're now really close with and pretend like there's nothing wrong with that and you have no problems with it. Yeah, you have to walk down the aisle to this man that you're like, I saw you make out with 30 of my closest friends. Yesterday, I saw you make out with one of them. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. That is an absurd expectation. Yeah, yeah. So married it for sight. Married it for sight. The niches, I want to, I want to do marriage. Dating doesn't work for me anymore. The twist is, okay, well, you're not going to get to pick and you meet them at the altar. And then the absurd expectation is you have to find out if you're getting a real legal divorce or if you're

staying really legal married to this person in like the shortest timeline ever. Yes. So now that we've explained the rules. So now we're going to pitch some dating shows to each other and to you. In this segment called our dating show pitches. Huh. Huh. Could have done a better title. Could have done a better title. a really self-explanatory title there. Here's the thing. So this next segment, this next segment is only for Netflix.

Or Peacock or Discovery Plus. Or Hulu. Yeah. If you are not an executive at any of these places. In charge of unscripted. Just keep fucking scrolling. Just literally scrolls away from this podcast. Just scroll away from this podcast, my honey.

Yeah. Scroll away from this podcast, my honey. Because this is not for you. This is literally, get away from me. Get away from me. This is for us to try to get a job. Yeah. As producers.

A reality show. Honestly, we would fucking cry. I think if you have the ability to hire us to be producers on an unscripted show, can I tell you you won't regret it? You won't regret hiring us. No. We're going to come in, we're going to be really enthusiastic. Yeah.

And we're going to do a good job. Yeah. You guys do a great job. So you guys should hire us. Okay. Here's an example. Here's an example of our dating shows that we're going to be pitching. This one we thought up of already

And then we'll come up with some on the spot So this one is a niche The niche is people who believe in ghosts Great, great niche It's an amazing niche people looking for love Who believe in ghosts Awesome start Absolutely spectacular

The twist is You're dating the ghosts Through a medium So there's one medium And each person goes and dates a spirit As the medium talks to them as the spirit possessed by the ghost the whole time. It's excellent.

Yeah, that's the twist. And the, I think that would sell. Oh, I think that's gonna, like, I'll sign up for that. Oh, yeah, I would literally be on that. I would be on that. The absurd expectation is, right. Now, we have two options here. Right, right, right, right, right.

Because you never know. And you got to stay flexible in a pitch. Yeah, you got to stay flexible. Hey, you want me to do this. You want me to be all flexible at you? At you? Mr. Netflix. So, Mr. Netflix, don't you worry your little teddy head head.

because we have two options for an absurd expectation. Yeah. One of them is everyone has to fight to marry the medium. Right, because there's only one medium. Yeah. And so if you want to date or marry your ghost, which is only possessing, can only possess this medium, everyone has to decide who's going to marry the medium. Through fight.

Yeah, through a fight. Or, which might be even better of a twist. Or, or the twist is. At the end of six weeks, you have to decide whether you're going to. going to die and join your lover in the afterlife or if you're going to break up and stay live. Go home. Yeah. After your six weeks.

Yeah. So that is. Legally, we might have issues with that. I don't think so. But I think if they did Milf Manor. Based on what I'm seeing on TikTok, love is getting away with a lot of shit. I think we'll be fine. I think we'll be fine.

Because if, yeah. Now the title of this show, are you ready? Yeah. Dating the dead. Oh, that's beautiful. Oh, how can you do better? How could you do better? Come on. Am I right? Okay. So now here we want to make up some more ideas for Dan shows, because obviously that show might not be picked up because of the thing where you have to die. So we're going to have some other ideas. Do you have any like niches that you feel like we can create a show from? Yeah, absolutely. Nishes of people. Neches of people. Okay. So here's a good one. The niche is people who are currently hallucinating.

Okay, so they're on like drugs. It can be anything. Oh. Some of them might have a natural propensity for hallucination. I love that. Some of them might have taken hallucinogenics. But in the proff, during the show, they're all hallucinating currently. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Okay, great. And we do want them to find love with each other. Yes. Yes. Okay, great. Okay. So then what should the twist be?

for people who are hallucinating. I'm going to give a twist that is going to sound like I'm hallucinating. Okay, I love that. None of them are actually hallucinating. Whoa. This show is a social experiment designed to break people's psyches. And you give people hallucinogens when they walk in. And then you give them placebo.

It's a tic-tac. It's not real. It's a tick-tack. It's just a tick-tacks. They think they're hallucinating. Uh-huh. They're not hallucinating. All this shit's happening.

It's happening. It's happening. People running in and create like frog masks and like body suits and shit and like, uh... Yeah. We bring in a rock that can like move on its own. Yes. Yes. Of course.

Of course. We bring in. Yes, of course. Of course. Um, yeah. And, and, okay, so that's a great twist. The twist is they're not hallucinating at all. The twist is no, no, they're not.

No, they're not. No, they're not. The twist is the most basic rule of improv is broken. The twist is, no, they're not. No, they're not. Because if you have people who think they're hallucinating, but they're not hallucinating. And they're looking for love.

And then the absurd expectation is that they have to figure out what's being done to them. What I like, can I immediately not a teach? Immediately off the real. So our second pitch is not a dating show. It's not a dating show. It's just torture. It's just illegal torture. So it turns out our second pitch for a dating show is not a dating show. It is just torture.

And that one, the title is real-life torture. And let me tell you, it still stands, okay? And so if you want to buy that. Netflix, you want to buy some torture, honey? Come on, Netflix. I got so much torture for you, love. Okay. Do you want to buy it or what?

Okay, why don't you give me a niche? Okay, here isn't a niche. Instagram bots. That's really good. They're looking for love. They are looking for love. They're always in the comments being like, click my link,

tell me if I'm pretty enough to live. I'm so horny, click my link, I just turned 18. So they all just turned 18. They're all so horny. None of them are real. None of them are real people. Ah, God, why aren't we hired to do this already? Okay.

So the twist is, they're all trying to fall in love with real people on the internet. Yeah, yeah. Like these bot farmers created these bots and their only will to live is to try to fall in real love with a person. Yeah. Yeah, I think that makes perfect sense. Yeah. They want to be where the people are.

They want to see them singing, dancing, whatever lyrics. They just want to know how to walk. on their, what's what are they called against feet? It might not mean a thing, but then again it might. Yeah, it's basically Little Mermaid, but for bots. But for sexy sex boss. Sexy sex bots. And I feel like the absurd expectation is if they get a human to fall in love with them,

they get to be human themselves. Yes, I think so. I think so. I think so. All of these sexy little Instagram bots can only use what they are given, which is a limited vocabulary, stock photos of other women. Yep, and links. and links.

Links that track your phone. And steal your bank information. And get somebody to fall in love with you. Yeah. Yeah. My friend. Yeah. And if you can do that.

And I bet some of them will. And I bet some of them have 100%. Then they finally get to be human. I think that's beautiful. And win a cash prize of $50. And when a cash prize of $50 is not that much. Yeah. All right.

Well, it's something. I would say none of these bots have $50 to their name. Okay. So that's a lot. Okay. Here's one. A niche. Okay, the niche is people with shortness of breath.

Wait. Okay, I already have the title, which is take my breath away. Oh, that's beautiful. So all these people are looking for love, but more importantly, they're experiencing shortness of breath. Okay, okay, okay. So they're panicking a little, you know, they're not feeling. Shortness of breath and they're looking for love. Okay, are you ready?

The twist is they have to do. it while running up a mountain. Oh my god, they're all going to die. Okay, so they're all already experiencing shortness of breath. Yeah. And looking for love. Yeah. And love is what at the top of the mountain? Yes. So are they racing each other up? Is it like they're coupled up? I think... And the couple that makes it to be together and the other couples die because they're already experiencing shortness of breath? I feel like the person at the top of the mountain. There's only one? There's one They're all racing, so Bachelor-style. Bachelor-style.

It's a bunch of people with shortness of breath, racing to the top of a mountain. For the perfect person who all of them would fall in love with. Right. And if they get up to the mountain, they don't even get to marry them. They just get a romantic dinner together. Wow.

Really underwhelming. Okay, here's another idea. They're all people with shortness of breath. The twist is, they're all on a plane that's experienced. very heavy turbulence. Okay, so in both of these scenarios, we take people with a bad condition and we say, let's make it worse, and then for love. So what is it? The pilot is the person they want to let me? So we have to see who can grab the oxygen tanks, put it over their own selves

and then who they pick to put it on. Okay, you know. You have to put your own access, oxygen mask before you put on somebody else's. But who are you going to pick? Who are you going to put it on? Right. And you all meet when the plane is not having. turbulence. So the plane's going normal and they all meet each other. They meet on the plane. Of course. Okay. And they're all having shortness of breath anyway. On the plane. They all meet. They're all out of breath. And then we start getting really heavy. Then we get to tell the pilot, just fucking go for it. Find like an area that is turrets. Just go for it, Mary Ann.

She fucking do whatever the fuck you are. This is your. This is your show, my man. My man, we brought you on this to do your thing. Do your thing, my guy. And the pilot's going to be happy because he's going to be like, no one ever lets me just do my thing. When I fly Delta, no one lets me go ape shit. Yeah, exactly. So we're going to be like, go ape shit. And I like this is that once all of them, we've, you know, kind of like natural selection, we've like wiped out a bunch of them.

Okay. I want more than two of them to live. That's not what we agreed to before this pitch meeting. Oh my God. So in the end, when two of them live and the rest of them are just bodies. Right. Bodies on the floor of the turbulent plane. It's my least favorite film.

Bodies on the floor of the turbulent plane. So by the end, when there are two people left, two people with the shortness of breath, they look outside, they look out the window, and on the wing of the plane. Oh, no. already oh no is the person who will wed them the the pastor oh my god or rabbi whoever that's unreasonable that's an unreasonable expectation holding on to the plane for dear life right and marries them right then and and and and the absurd expectation is can the pastor or rabbi stay on the wing a hundred percent that's beautiful and um and it's called take my breath away that's beautiful that's beautiful um I do have

I have so many. I do have so many. One of the lines I have is gaslighters. Oh, I love that. That's so good. Just the niche of gaslighters. Yeah. Like, what is their show?

Is there a show called, you love me? No, you don't. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gaslight my heart of a flame. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, yeah. I think the twist is that they've all been told they're the only gaslighter. Yeah, that is psychological torture. Yeah, because that's like, that's like,

you know there's there's shows like that yeah like the mole yeah yeah it's like the mole um they've all been told hey everyone here's really nice but you're the gaslighter and you're the villain and you have to fuck shit up because also these people are people who applied for a show yeah being like i'm a gaslighter and that's how i'm applying to this show yeah i mean self-proclaimed gaslighter it's not just people who got nominated by people no or like this person's gaslighted they're proud if people have signed to release and we're like, I'm a gaslighter. Yeah, they're like, this is my brand. So it's a bunch of people who are known gaslighters together. They think they're the only one there. The only gaslighters there. And then they're fucking shit up and trying to fall in love. Yeah. But they're all being told,

like, you can't let anyone know you're the gaslighter, but everyone's the gaslighter. Right, right, right. And then what is the absurd expectation? That any of them actually fall in love. Right. They're expected to have any type of an actual healthy relationship. Right. Let's do a quick speed round. Okay, okay. Let's say a niche and then let's figure it out really fast. Okay. People with ankle monitors.

Absolutely. People with ankle monitors, they're all trapped in a house together. They're all not in the vicinity that they have to be in with their ankle monitors. And they have to get back to where they legally have to be while falling in love. Right. Yes, or else their ankle monitor will go off. Their parole officer will be alerted and they'll go back to jail. Yeah, it's real.

It's very bad. Okay, here's a niche of people. People who claim they've been abducted by aliens. Oh, amazing. So the twist is that, oh, maybe the producers got in touch with the aliens who abducted them. Yes, and they're on blind dates. Yes, they're on blind dates with those aliens, like Love is BlindSty. I feel like they can't see them?

Yes, they can't see them the whole time. And then it's like, will they actually fall in love? Or are they going to be like, huh, I don't know about this. This kind of reminds me of my alien chapter. Yeah, yeah, 100%. Okay, that's beautiful. And then the absurd expectation is when it's revealed that this is not only an alien, but also the source of all of your trauma, the creature that kidnapped you.

Are you still in, my guy? Are you still in? Or, yeah. And if not, if you can either go back on the spaceship with them or you can get shot by the government, by you. Oh, by me. By you. Because you worked for the government.

And I've always said that. Okay. How about this? Horses. Okay. Horses. Fuck yeah. Niche is horses.

Okay, fuck yeah. I've been waiting for this one. The niche is horses. The twist is you got to fall in love with a person. Oh shit. All these horses got to fall in love of the person. So we put wigs on all the horses. Oh my God.

And that'll do it. That'll do it. We'll put some wigs. Once a wig is put on a horse, the horse goes, I'm in love with humans. Oh my God. I was catering this to the people. I should have obviously catered this to the horses. No, the horses have to fall in love with people, is what he said.

So we put a wig on the horse, automatically makes them attracted to people. Okay, you get a bunch of horses in a room. You get a bunch of people who are attracted to horses in a room. All the horses have wigs. Don't question me. All the people have wings too. Don't question me.

And the absurd expectation is that you don't question me. Do not question me. All the horses have wings. All the human time wigs. They are in one room together. And they are in love. And they are in love. And the expectation is they have 45 minutes.

Don't question me. 45 minutes, period. Period. Okay. Or else. Okay. Okay. Okay.

People with one to two glass eyes. Oh my God. Okay. I have an idea. Oh my God. Okay. Coming in hot. Yeah.

The niche is people with one to two glass eyes. The twist is, take them out. Oh my God. Let me see your fucking socks. That's beautiful. That's beautiful. And then the absurd expectation is that they can't talk and they can't see. Wait, does the glass eye let you see?

I don't think so. No, no, no, no, no. I think it's just there in place of your pocket. No, only some of them can see with one eye. But most of them, anyone with two glass eyes can't see at all. So what? What I see? It's what I say?

What I say, the twist is we take the glass eyes out. It's more of just an event. It's not really a twist as much as it's an inconvenience. It's just like a disturbing event for audience members and anyone with one remaining eye, although I will say anyone with one remaining eyes probably used to what it looks like. Right. But it is not a twist. Not really a twist.

The twist would be like, no, that's, I don't know. That's a good one. The twist is, huh, okay, you have a bunch of glasses. Oh, oh, yeah. The twist is they have to juggle their eyes. At some point. Is that something? Is that anything?

Is that anything Netflix? The twist is they have to juggle their eyes. Oh, the twist is they have to switch eyes. Wait, that's exactly what it is. And they have to switch eyes and then the title is... The title is... The title is... They have to date each of the person who's eyes look better.

If my eyes look good in your skull, we have to date. But if they look bad in your socket, we can't date. And the title is, looking at you through your... Through your eyes. Like, if I could only see you through... Through my eye. If you could only see me through your eye. If I...

If you could only see me through your eye. If you could only see you... See yourself through my eyes. So it's called... And it's called the whole thing we just said, with all the times we got it wrong. It's the longest title ever. I'm sweating so hard from laughter.

Oh, my God. Oh, I love that. Okay, people who are afraid of snakes. Okay, trap them in a room of snakes. Okay, that's it. That's it. They have to fall in love. And they have to fall in love with one of the snakes,

I guess. With the snakes, because the snakes have wigs and the horses have wings. And the horses come in and stomp on the snakes, which is not good. No. Anyway, so that was that segment. So that was that segment. Thank you guys so much for watching.

This is the last episode we'll ever do. Can you imagine if we came back after two years with two episodes and that's it? Yeah. Okay, are you ready? Okay, so that was that segment. Oh my God, that was a beautiful segment. I would play that segment every day. Gorgeous segment.

Have you ever used a matchmaker? No, just you. Yeah. I've used you as a matchmaker before. Yeah. But I've never used a real matchmaker. Have you? No.

But my mom once called in to the millionaire matchmaker. Oh, that's like... The real one. And did she get through? She did. So we were driving to Ida Wild. I love driving to Idol Wild. It's the best.

I fucking love Idaho. And I used to go to summer camp up there and it's the best. And we were driving up and I was a kid. I must have been like 10 or 11 or something. We were listening to the millionaire matchmaker Patty Stanger. Is that her name? Patty Stanger? I think so.

You think I know? No, I don't. don't. We were listening to the Millionaire Matchmakers radio program, and at some point she talked about, like, ladies, don't you ever move in with a man? Don't you have sex with a man before you get that ring? Oh, no. Get that rock ladies. I don't know. And my mom, Gail, who is, can be a frightening woman when she really wants to be. Shout out. Yeah, shout out. Terrible shout out. Okay, it's time for the worst shout out. She's lovely, but when she wants to be intense, she can be. Yeah, well, you're setting up what's about to happen.

Yeah. She called in and she got through and she said on air to the millionaire matchmaker, like, I am in the car with my daughter. And I want you to know that I both moved in with my husband and had sex with my husband before I married him. And that is what I teach my children because you got to test drive the car before you buy it. Listen, which I agree. I agree.

I agree. I think it would be fucking insane to be like, yeah, we're getting married, but I have no idea what it's like to live with. you. Yeah. In my humble opinion, I think it's a good idea. I was raised by Gail. I believe this is true. But the millionaire matchmaker did not like that. And was being like, you're raising your daughter to be a whore. And she knew you were in the car. Yeah. And my mom was just like, you're a teenager in the car being like, I'm on my way to summer camp. I was like, I'm on my way to summer camp so I can tap dance. Nobody wants to kiss me because I have a scoliosis brace. The millionaire matchmaker was like,

you're a fucking whore. I wish lady. I wish lady. I wish lady. I mean that started. Wow. Yeah, but anyway, so the millionaire matchmaker and my mom

don't have a healthy relationship at this moment. Well, we should match them up. Let's match them up. Let's match them up and see what happens. That's a perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Okay, if you are the millionaire matchmaker,

give us a call. Or if you're the handler for the millionaire matchmaker, give us a call. We know the handler for Sid's mom. Yeah, and it's a perfect match because my mom is married to my dad. Yeah. Yeah.

Perfect. This was a very fun episode. I loved this. I think this was so fun. Yeah, this was a blast. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Yeah, thank you for joining us again. If there's anything you want us to discuss on the next podcast.

Yep, hit us up with it. Hit us. Hit us. Yeah, come hit me. Come hit me. Hit me. And until next time, we will see you. Whoa.

We will see you. you next Tuesday. Yeah, we're doing Tuesdays. Yeah. Let's see you next Tuesday. Hunt. Get it. Get it.

Yeah, everyone. See you next Tuesday.