Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t - Your Childhood Was a Lie

Episode Date: September 21, 2021

On this first episode of Syd & Olivia Talk Sh*t, the girls break down why every element of your childhood was absolute bullsh*t. Get ready for your younger years to be ruined. Listen here or watch on Youtube! https://www.youtube.com/SydOliviaTube Follow the podcast on social media! Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/sydandolivia TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@sydandoliviatalkshit Twitter: https://twitter.com/sydandolivia About Pierced: Pierced is the first creator-led podcast network that’s making podcasts for the girlies. We’re tired of every man on the face of the planet having a podcast and decided it’s time for a new era of podcasting - it’s time to give the girls the mic 🎤 Pierced podcasts features all your fav content creators in a new light. We collaborate with creators to produce podcasts that speak to the complex and unique experiences of the girls and young women of today – the podcasts we wish existed when we were younger. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

podcast now. Welcome to Sit and Olivia. Talk shit. We're not even really going to be talking much like shit. We'll be talking about shit. But we're not going to be mean. No, no, it's just a catchy title. It's just a catchy title. And we wanted to confuse everyone. Yeah, if you don't know who we are and you're even more confused. Yeah, we're two Caucasian girls. Two more white girls you don't need. You don't need them. We're a comedy duo. We have a TikTok. We've been best friends for like 11 years. Yeah, we met in high school. We went to college together and we've been, comedy duo for a hot sec. A hot second. On TikTok, we are at Sid and Olivia. We're married in some countries. Yeah, we're married in some countries. So that's great. That's us.

And we are, we're really freaking stoked to have a podcast. We've been waiting on this for a little bit. We've been very excited. And we've had a lot of people be like, where's the podcast? Yeah. Which now I'm absolutely stoked to say here it is. Here it is. It's here now.

So if you're listening to this on Spotify, hi, welcome. Hello. And if you're watching this, like, on YouTube. Hi. Hello. Um, if you're listening to this on Spotify and you want to watch it with like all these added visual elements, you can look up our YouTube, sit and Olivia, where we're going to put every episode of this podcast as well as Spotify in any places you can listen to podcasts. So, oh, and subscribe and all that jazz. Yeah, like do all those things. Yeah. For our first topic, let's just get right into it. We want to get right into it. Yeah. And we really think we need to come out

with a bang. Yeah. The statement we're making in the focus of this episode is that your child was a fucking lie. Yeah, your childhood was a lie. Everything about your childhood was untrue. Yeah. And so we're just going to break that down. We're going to break down our own childhoods, our own lies. We've been told lies we've been told by adults. Lies that you're told through the media. Through the media and the movies. When you're a kid, you're poisoned. Yeah, you're poisoned with lies when you're a kid. And it must be so much harder now because now kids have Instagram. Oh yeah. And TikTok and Twitter. And TikTok and Twitter. And I feel like that probably poisons the the shit out of their young noggins.

Yeah, I mean, well, when did you get social media? Maybe, I think I got my Facebook in eighth grade. Same, actually. Yeah, and then I got Instagram my like junior year of high school. Yeah, I think I got it like sophomore year or something. It didn't mean anything. It was all a joke. No, no, yeah.

And now it means something and people go on it and go like, oh my God, my body is supposed to look like this. Yeah. So that's not good. No, it's not good at all. What kind of kid were you? Like what were you like as a kid before we go into like how we were lied to and how all you were? Like, Sid, what was your childhood vibe? I lived in Vegas and that sounds sexy.

But I was underage. I did have headgear, a back brace, skunk highlights. I went to, I was an improv kid at a private school. Amazing. I was very popular. Oh yeah. I was the least popular person in the public. popular group and they kept me around to stand guard outside the choir room while my friends made

out cute no one uh wanted to make out with me and my my big headgear are you still employing those services uh yeah absolutely i still stand outside of every choir room making sure that children can make just letting anyone know if anyone in our audience is a child wanting to make out in a choir room you can hire me baby you can hire sid um to stand out and stand guard i am your local kissing body Yeah. So that's good. I mean, that's a good first career. My theme song is, um, hire me to make sure no one walks in on your kiss. It's haunting. It's a good haunting, non-r rhyming, kind of like a little bit too long theme song. And I think it's perfect. And it works even better that I have a really raspy voice right now because I'm a little sick. Yeah, I love that. Yeah, no, it all works perfectly.

It's perfect. There's a little cough at the end, perhaps. Yeah, I think, I think absolutely. Yeah. What kind of kid were you? You were fat, right? I was a fat kid. Yeah. I was a fat kid. You're not now. Thank you. I was a... It's not even a compliment. It's just true. No, it's true.

I was, um, I was like a chunky kid with like a lice haircut. So I looked like if Dora the Explorer was not as hot, which is hard to say because... I'm going to stop you right now. Dora the Explorer was not as hot. I know. It's hard to say because I don't find Dora the Explorer hot. I'm going to go with no one should. Yeah.

And so imagine being even less hot. That's hard. Here's what I'm going to say. And then add crutches. Let's never call an underage person hot, even if they are a cartoon. We'll add crutches. We'll add lice. And yeah, and I was like a nerdy film comedy nerdy kid.

So I was also very popular. This is how we both got personalities. Yes, true. Yeah, and I was also in a popular group in elementary school, but I was the one that was like, the one everyone was like, why are you so fat? And I was like, I'm sorry. You know that classic trope. That classic trope they show in every high school movie. It is definitely one of those things where your brain is poisoned when you're a child.

Because really what should happen is we should all live on farms and just be like happy and play with a pig or something. But instead you grow up with Disney movies and stuff where they tell you things that are just lies. And I think being the type of child I was, I was so like angry and like counterculture and like, well, I'm not accepted. So I don't accept anything normal. So like I came into everything already hating it. Like I already hated every movie I was about to watch that wasn't like supposed to be for adults. And so like any teen movie, any of the movies were going to dissect, I probably didn't like. Oh yeah.

I hated it all. Yeah. And now I'm a lot more open-minded. I think, honestly, one of the things that poisoned us and poisons everyone is Disney. Oh, of course. I'm mad at Disney. Disney. They tricked me, tricked me.

That song that got popular on TikTok, it goes, I'm mad at Disney. I don't know if we're going to make copyrighted. Oh, shit. My ass. You're right. Well, they definitely sing a song. song about Disney. They say it tricked me, tricked me. Honestly, I couldn't agree more. No, Disney did trick me, trick me. It tricked me, tricked me. And we're going to get into a couple

ways that Disney tricked me and tricked you. Disney is a lie. Sorry. And was he anti-Semitic? Probably. Wasn't it that there was no one with facial hair allowed in Disneyland back in the day? Because there was like... That's pretty fucked. Yeah, I don't, I don't even understand how like... I don't understand that at all. Facial hair is hot. Facial, well, yeah. But also facial hair isn't like per race like oh this was a racial thing yeah that's what i've heard and i could be completely wrong about all of this but it was like kind of a racist thing where he's like you can't enter the park with facial hair here's thing i am jewish and i have facial hair so i guess i understand that sentiment i um i want to grow facial hair i've been rubbing like shit all over my face like what is it the

rogain stuff you've been rubbing rogain i've been rubbing rogain all over my face okay let's get into this so the first movie i really want to talk about yeah is beauty and the beast beauty and the And the reason we're talking about Beauty and the Beast is for so many freaking reasons. Oh my God, so many. First off, shout out to High School Musical, the Musical, the Series. Oh. You know, we have been in, we've been watching so much Beauty and the Beast content. We are obsessed.

Because we can't stop watching High School Musical to Musical. With High School Musical, the Series. Sorry about that. So season two is all Beauty and the Beast. Yeah. And it really reminded us like, wow, beauty and the beast. And when I was a little kid, that was like my favorite movie. Like before I got cynical.

You had a crush on the beast. I had a crush on the beast, which is the first lie. The first lie is that if a guy treats you badly at first, he's probably misunderstood and you can save him if you're smart enough. That's a lie. That's not true at all. The beast, you had a crush on him pre-transformation or post. Oh, yeah, pre. You know, when he transformed, I would get so mad.

When he transforms into a human? Yeah. When he transformed into a human, I was like, ugh, now she liked him for, you know, what he was. and then he turned into a hot guy. She didn't learn shit. Like, I was so mad. I was like, why does he have to turn into a hot guy? Why can't she just like him for who he is?

It's not who he is, though. He was cursed by an enchantress and turned into a little furry animal. Big furry animal. Sorry. My disturbed little kid brain was like, no, you got to keep him the big wildebeest because that's who she fell in love with. And now she's just rewarded for being nice with a hot guy. I was twisted.

I was like four. Why was I that angry about it? This explains a lot. about you. It's also like if someone's mean to you, if someone keeps you prisoner, if someone keeps your dad a prisoner. Oh my God, that's not cute. Don't date them. Like don't date them. Like the movie's like, yeah, date that guy. Don't date that guy. You're not going to save him. You're not going to change him. He's going to keep you prisoner. What are you talking about? I also have some notes about some of the side characters. Yeah, absolutely. Get those notes in there. I mean, here's the thing.

Here's what I think. Yeah. Bell's great. Obviously, she's awesome. She's beautiful. She's great. She's very smart. she's cool whatever the silly girls who follow around guest on and i'm not calling them silly girls that's what they're called the silly girls they're called the silly girls they're called the silly girls they're a tribe of silly girls i want to be in a tribe of silly girls i mean listen don't we all but the thing about it is he doesn't give a fuck about the silly girls he's all on bell who's just has her head in a book according to him she just loves the book until a sheep eats the book and here's the thing is that wouldn't happen these girls are like hot they're into him they're showing that they're into him,

he would absolutely go for it with the silly girls. The only way he would not, the only way he actually would be bored of the silly girls is if he was immortal and had lived a hundred lifetimes and had banged everyone in the village except for Bell. Yeah. And I don't think that's the canon. No, you made that up.

Yeah, I made that up just now. So there we go. The thing about the silly girls is they're attainable to him because they're constantly showing him that they're interested. And I believe that he would. would have fucked all of them. Oh, absolutely. I mean, I would have.

Yeah. Oh, they're beautiful. They're beautiful. They're silly. Beautiful. What else could you want? Silly girls who enjoy some alcohol. I love that for them.

I mean, there's nothing better. There are more lies in Beauty and the Beast in that teacups don't talk. That's true. That's not really a lie to, uh, that would trick you into thinking something in adulthood, but it's a lie. It's just a lie. Yeah, it still counts. Fiction's a lie.

Yeah, there's really no good guys in that movie. No. It's like the three choices are a guy who keeps you. you prisoner, your own dad, and then a guy who's like a clinical narcissist? Well, here's the thing is we're not, we're not even counting the hottest guy in the movie, which is the candle. Okay. Lumiere can fuck.

Yeah, I'm sure he can. He got Babette the feather duster. Well, bad bet is like hands down the hottest. Babette, the feather dust. That's a lie, right? Oh, total lie. Because feather dusters aren't really that hot in your life. No, if an enchantress turned you into a cleaning product, you would not be.

sexy to me. No. But if you're Babette and you have this long, long stick of a torso. And neck, a big long neck. And weird fluffy feather of a skirt slash legs. Weirdly hot. Weirdly hot. We'll also say Babette's fucking Lumiere, right? Yeah, he pulls. So, so, okay, so that's a lie because a, a broom or a, what is she, a feather duster. A feather duster and a candle couldn't fuck without the feather duster lighting on fire. No, it's not anatomically possible. There's nowhere to go in and out. None of it makes any sense at all, unless they're doing some weird other version of reproduction

that none of us understand. Unless she's jamming her handle into his wax to make a dent. And that's just not okay on any level. Yeah, I don't know. I mean, if they're into it, I'm fine, but I don't even really want to be around while it's happening. Well, you know what the most obvious movie is that it's just lied to absolutely everybody,

is The Little Mermaid. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, it's the worst messages of all time. Yeah. Which sucks because I really do like that movie. Yeah. It's interesting because it's a good movie. It is.

It's just. It's so fucked. It's like, yeah, the whole song about how like it's better when women don't talk. And I guess the point of the movie is like there is no song where they say it's better when women. Oh, no, sorry. It's just a line. Doesn't Ursula go like it's better when women don't talk? No.

It's better when women don't talk. And then she has the whole song with the eel. about it? No, her song with the eels is like, I'm going to steal your voice, I'm going to trick you into this contract. That's true. That's a, that's a truth. Okay, well, ding, ding, ding Disney. It got something right, which is people will try to trick you through contracts. And you have to read every contract. So there's that right. So there's that. But the lie there is that nobody really cares about if women talk or not. I mean, that's true for some people. It's not for me. Yeah, no, I like it when women talk. I love when women talk. So it's a lie to me.

Hell yeah. I love that for you. And here's the other thing. Crabbs aren't fun. No. Crabbs aren't fun. They make them seem like they are. It's not. I've also in my personal life never met an evil drag queen.

No, never. So that's a lie. That's an absolute lie. At least for my life. I've never met an evil one. Here's another thing. Yeah. Ariel's super hot.

Right. No hot girl has ever used the phrase. I have gadgets and gizmos of plenty. That's really true. No hot girl has ever said thingamabobs. I've never heard a hot girl say gadgets and gizmos of plenty. Can you imagine if you saw like Megan Fox? Like, oh, I have gadgets and gizmos have plenty.

That wouldn't happen ever. Yeah, I can't imagine Ariana Grande being like, I've got who's it and what's it's galore over here. No, she has no who's it. She has no what's it. No, she has no what's it. She has no who's it. No. It's not a thing.

So there's some lies. Some really big lies. And just before this, we were talking about another lie from a child. childhood favorite Scooby-Doo. Oh yeah. Scooby-Doo is an unpaid intern. Scooby-Doo is an unpaid intern, and the whole freaking show revolves around him. They pay him in food, witches. They pay him... Like paying someone in school credits. They pay him in crackers. Yeah. In crackers. That's not okay. No. Sure he's a dog, but I mean, that guy can talk. And so he could probably purchase something at a convenience store. Yeah. So he needs real cold hard cash, Fred. Why are you such a fucking cheapcase?

In a way, though, that's not even a lie because it prepares you for life as an unpaid intern. Here's another thing. Yeah. Three people sit up front in that van. That's illegal. I have issues with Scooby-Doo. We also were talking about some teen lies, right? Oh, my God.

Well, that's a whole other thing, right? It's like when you grow up and you're like, oh, my God, I'm going to go to high school. You assume that it's going to be like high school movies that you've watched. Yeah. And if you're me, you already hate it. You hate everything, every part of it. Right. I remember on the first day of high school, my friend got there and saw a man with a beard who

was a student and cried because she was like, no. You know, before I went into high school, I had a dream that I had, one of my teachers was a bearded woman with her, she had like a big beard that was spray painted Lakers colors. This was a dream? This was a dream. And she was like screaming at us and cursing at us. And then like our activity was we had to go out into the woods and she, shoot at the other students.

I thought you were going to say shoot her. Shoot her. Yeah. So that was like whatever my brain was doing right before high school. So here's the thing. Yeah. Olivia and I did something. I mean, you're Olivia, you know this. Yeah. We watched Twilight. Yeah. We watched the first Twilight movie yesterday. And we had seen it before, but we did not remember all that. No. I hate watched it as a child, but I did not watch it as an adult. And so this brings us to a segment we like to call. We have notes. because we have some notes on this movie and granted they're not looking for our notes.

Nobody's asking for our notes. No one's asking for our notes. And yet here they are. And no one's going to redo this with the notes implemented. So here we go. Here are our notes. You want to go first? Here are our notes on Twilight, ways they've lied to you and ways that it did not make sense

about our high school experience at all. Just notes. Okay, my first note for Twilight is, no siblings in my high high school. school were clearly fucking each other. That's a good note. When all of the Cullen's come in. They all come in in in slow motion. All of them are coupled up, but they're siblings.

Yep. And Anna Kendrick, who was undiscovered at the time, said something. She did great. At some point she says something like, yeah, they're siblings, but it's okay. It's not by blood. That's not okay. Yeah. That's not okay. There's been no group of foster siblings that were all fucking each other in our high school. No. Never. Maybe behind closed doors. Yeah, but not openly. Not open. Not holding hands

in the cafeteria. No, not making a big kiss in front of all the other students, okay? It's disgusting. It's gross. And they all look related because they're all very pale. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. So wrong on so many levels. No, it's incorrect. Siblings should never fuck. That's just my opinion. So here's my note, right? If a guy wants to kill you and eat you, like even just a little bit, raise your standards. Oh, I applaud you on that. I feel like

if someone is just like openly telling you over and over again, I can't control myself. I want to kill you and eat you. You've got to, you've got to switch guys, right? And then also just see Army Hammer. Oh yeah. Because, you know, like if someone were not to raise their standards, they could end up in a situation like that. If you're consistently being told your blood is the best blood I've ever smelled, here's my question. Yeah. Why do you, why do you want that? Yeah. Why are you into that? I think another thing to really remember, we all need to remember this, is Edward Cullen and Bella were lab partners. Yeah.

They met like once. Yeah. And then we're like, I love you. Big statement. That is a big statement. Also, what, I'm sorry, it is so hard to get guys to commit anyway. You just have to be like edible. You have to be like a delicious food item.

You have to have delicious smelling blood in order to get a fuck boy to calm down. Yeah. Okay, I have another note about Twilight. All right. Now this one's niche. Vampire family baseball that ends in a man tracking your scent is not an okay date. If he wanted to take you to a dinner, he would, ladies. All right, that's a really good point.

So let's just break that down. Yeah. Apparently a big vampire family pastime is baseball. Who the fuck knew? Yeah. They all love baseball. It's just like so crazy that it's baseball. It's so weird.

And one of the first times that Bella, ever hangs out with Edward is with the whole family for baseball. Yeah. A big family baseball date just doesn't sound sexy to me. No, it doesn't sound sexy to me either. Everything's subjective, but I'm speaking for me. Yeah. Okay, here's a note from me. Uh, nobody from our high school spoke in slow motion while nauseously orgasming. Um, you want to expand on that? Yeah. I mean, I feel like every single line in that movie is spoken in. Oh, yeah. emotion. And if you aren't watching this on YouTube, you know exactly what she's doing. You know exactly what I'm doing right now, unless you've never seen the movie Twilight before, never heard of it, which would be odd because it's trending at number five on Netflix right now. Makes no sense. So my next note for Twilight is 108 and 17 is too big of an age difference. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we will be talking a lot about how when you're 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, you should not.

go for someone who is horrifically older than you. And this is just example one. And but here's what I'm going to say. Yeah. A hundred and eight and 17. Big difference. Not only is that not legal. I don't care what the fuck he looks like.

I don't care if he has money. You guys are in totally different places in your life. No, 100%. 108. You've seen, you've seen Woodstock. Yeah. Yeah. You've probably seen, um, uh, the invention of the, of the car.

Yeah. And it is weird that, you know, like, he'll be like, oh, you're so intelligent because you know the things I know. And they're both like, oh, I read so many books. But it's like, realistically, he has been able to read so many more books than she has because he's a hundred and eight. She's been able to read for what, 14 years? Yeah. And he's 100 fucking eight. He is so much older than her dad.

Wow. Yep. That's not okay on any level. And then kind of off that, I think my final note is, um, at the end, you know, she's, She's like, I want to, I want to be a vampire. He's like, no, uh-uh, not for you. So my note is, not until the last movie. Yeah.

My note is, why is his plan to remain 17 while she ages and dies of old age? I would feel really insecure if a guy did that. Oh my God, yeah. Like if a guy was like, no, I'm going to be like a hot young guy this whole time and I'm going to let you age and age and age until you're 100 years old and then you're going to die. It sucks. Why is that his plan? It sucks.

The second I was like 60, I'd be. like you're, why am I with you? I shouldn't be, you look 17, you're, it would be bad. It's, you know what it is. It's a bad plan. He's a serial monogamist and he's going to wait for her to die so he can repeat the process and find another high schooler. He's grooming. Haven't we all met a guy like that? And he's a horrific person. All right. Well, there we go. And now I have one last note. Yeah, absolutely. Breaking into your house to watch you sleep is a deal breaker. Yeah. No notes on that note. I can't even believe I have to say that out loud. Yeah. But there's a, there's a part of the movie. Oh, there's a whole plot point where, where he goes into her house to watch her sleep. Yep.

And he stands quietly in the corner. And she's like, fuck yeah. She's like, yeah, this is awesome for me. What a weird. I couldn't get behind that. Look, once again, everything is subjective to each their own. No, I'm sorry. That's not. That's not subjective. That's a big hard no. Yeah. I'm also going to say if you're 17, you, you don't have the capability to be like, no, that's okay. I'm going to say no for you. No, that's not even your house, dude. That's so true. She doesn't own that house. She doesn't own that house. She doesn't pay rent there. That is Charlie Swan's house. Her dad. The fact that I know his name is wild. That was, we have notes, our segment where we have so many notes. No, here's the, here's the question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. When you were a kid, do you feel like you were lied to by your parents?

You know, I feel like I had a really, a really honest relationship with my parents. I was, on one end, but on the other end, of course, you're going to get lied to because there's so many horrifying things you can't be told as a little kid. Like, for example, I think my parents were fuck buddies. Oh, hell yeah. I think they were. I think they were fuck buddies and then they got married. I love that for them. That's my theory. Right, right, right. But you don't have any proof. No, when I was a kid, it was like, Mommy and Daddy were the best of friends. Then Mommy went into a room and prayed for a baby, you know? Was it sung like that? No, it was not. Well, that's a shame. Yeah. Yeah, I definitely, like one big thing that strikes me when I was a little kid is like, when I was like five or six, which is young, maybe even a little bit older.

My favorite story in the entire world was a story my dad used to tell me about, he went to 12 years of Catholic school and just mentally dropped out by like sixth grade and just fucked with the nuns for like the rest of it. Fucking with nuns is a whole activity. That like shaped my sense of humor when I was a little kid. So there was a story he would always tell me where basically this nun and this kid were arguing because the kid refused to sit down in my dad's class. And at that point everyone was in sixth grade. They all thought like you do one thing wrong and like the floor is going to open up. You're going to go to hell.

And so like this kid basically like the nun was like, hey, sit down to this kid. And the kid was like, smell me clown. Huh. And the woman, the nun was like, what did you just say? And then to clarify what he said, he said, smell me clown in like a hundred different voices. until like basically everyone realized there was no hell. This child did not say smell me clown. No.

And the thing I learned later, because this was my favorite story as a child was smell me clown. And I was like, this is a genius story. Turns out later on, I find out he really said blow me clown. Oh. So that was a white lie that I was told as a child. Yeah. Smell me clown was the cover up.

Blow me clown was the story. I would have done fightenly clown. Yeah. My parents told me stories too, but they were entirely fabricated. Oh, okay, good. Because that story was mostly true. It had just the smallest change. Yeah, my dad used to tell me a story to try to get me to stop sucking on pacifiers

because I think I had an oral fixation. Okay. Boys. I'm kidding. That's disgusting. Forget I said that. Stay away from me, everybody. But I really liked my pacifiers.

Right. And I would not get rid of them for the life of me. I had to have them in my mouth at all time. loving it. And so my dad kind of told me a story where he was like, well, Sydney, you know Elvis, correct? And I was like, of course I know of Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll. I lived in Las Vegas. Yeah, how could you not?

He's the king, I mean. You had a cardboard cut out of it. I had a cardboard cut out of Elvis Presley at my bat mitzvah. Let's not even go into it. Yeah. And then I gave it to my Spanish teacher for extra credit. Worst decision I ever made. Yeah, no, that's true.

So I was like, yeah, of course I know of Elvis. And he was like, and do you know of Elvis's? brother Bubba. And I was like, no, who's Bubba? And he was like, well, when Elvis and his brother Bubba were tiny, tiny children. Right. And they both had pacifiers. Elvis's mommy was like, it's time to hand over your pacifier and you get a guitar. And Bubba. That's a good trade. Yeah. And Bubba was like, no, I have to keep my pacifiers in my mouth at all time. Okay. And his teeth got all fucked up. They rotted. He became an old man with lousy teeth. Everything was terrible for him. He had no sex. He never had a wife. I don't know. It was like his whole world crumbled.

That sounds like one of those German fairy tales where like you don't clip your nails and then everyone dies. My grandma tells me those. Yeah. Yeah. So Bubba's all fucked. Oh yeah. And Elvis yeah. Gives away his pacifier and he gets a guitar and magically becomes the king of rock and roll, gets to marry Priscilla Presley, who we later found out he groomed, that's not great. That's not great. She was great.

He got this elaborate, fabulous career until he died on a toilet. Wow. So I was like, oh, fuck. Yeah. Well, if Elvis gave away his baba, his pacifier, his whatever the fuck, and got a guitar.

Yeah. And became the king of rock and roll. Well, then you could too. Then I could too. And so I gave away my pacifier. I got a guitar. I did not become the king of rock and roll. Yet.

Yet. But anyway, that's an entirely fictional story. Yeah, no, Bubba Presley was not real. That's not real. That's not real. And if it was real, definitely nothing bad would have happened to his teeth. Oh, no. I'm sorry, if you keep a pacifier in your mouth for too long, your mouth will get chapped.

I can't think of anything worse. Yeah. What else is going to happen? You're going to like it? I don't know. Nothing happens. I have no idea. People like things in their mouth.

And you can fucking quote me on that. Yeah, absolutely. I will. I'll put a tattoo of that on my face and my back. Thank God. get two at the same time. It's a big day for you. Yeah.

Yeah. When I was a little kid also, I wanted to film the tooth fairy. Oh, don't we all? Yeah, I was like, I was like, I have to film the tooth fairy. And I did this whole, like, I filmed myself being like, God, I fucking hope this isn't an adult. Oh. Oh, so you knew what was going to happen a little bit.

I filmed myself being like, if this is an adult, I'll be so fucking pissed. Oh. And my mom filmed that with me, but she didn't tell my dad that I said that, but she did go like, okay, now it's time to do the funny thing. So the camera remained on and my dad came into the room dressed as the tooth fairy with like these giant cardboard wings and stuff. Oh. And it was a very funny video that made me very angry when I was a little kid. But as an adult, I'm like, thank God, because that was genius. I was so mad when I found out the tooth fairy wasn't real. Yeah. That was like my Santa Claus because I was a Jew and I didn't have Santa. Right. Right. So I was

like, oh my God, well, this is my girl. Yeah, that was your girl. That was my girl. I wrote letters to her. Yeah. Yeah, that fucking sucks. Did you ever have any sexual feelings towards her? No, not at all. Me neither. Okay, well, good. That's good.

I'm glad we both put that down. But I don't know what's up with parents and fairies because my mom also made up table fairies. Table fairies, right. Yeah, she used to say that if I put my elbows on the table, I was going to crush the fairies that lived within the table. Within the table. Yeah, they live within the table. Yeah, all right. And then for a while, she was like, I'm going to make a screenplay about table fairies.

And I was like, girl, that's very niche concept. That's such a specific. That's a niche concept. specific of the only thing that kills them is elbows. Yeah, it's, they don't have that much to fight against in the movie. The storyline is we open on the inside of a table and you have Dwayne the Rock Johnson playing a fairy. I like that.

This is my pitch. Okay. Alongside him you have, I don't know, let's say it's Catherine Heigel. Okay. I was going to pitch Jonah Hill. Yeah, they're all there. Okay. Jonah Hill's there.

He's like... Catherine Heigel is there. Jonah Hill's like the mayor of the table fairies or something. And in the first two minutes of the... the movie right as the opening credits roll a big fucking elbow comes down on them and crushes them all and they die and that's the end of the movie that's the end of the movie and you learn your lesson yeah and it's a two two hours of silence and there's an in-memorium of every table fairy that you've never even seen oh and it's you've got all the stars in there you've got every single actor who's ever done anything

you've got olivia rodrigo in there she's she's in it she's in it so that's so anyway that's it and when you're a kid i also feel like uh all the things you want to buy are all from lies like It's completely lies. The way that toys are advertised is, it's all lies. Toys are advertised to girls and boys in a very different way. Very different. With boys, it's always like, don't you want this slime goo? Yeah.

It makes poop sounds in your mouth. Yeah, that's very. And then with girls, it's like, don't you want this baby doll? That shits all over my face. You're going to be a mommy. You know what, actually, there is a similarity in there. Yeah, both things shit, but the boys are supposed to find it gross and the girls are supposed to find it good?

Actually, I would say, the boys are supposed to find it funny. Yeah. The girls are supposed to feel maternal toward it. Yeah, I feel maternal towards zero poop. I did not work on me. I feel maternal toward nothing. Like, did you ever have one of those, like, Barbies that has the, that it's like a pregnant Barbie and then you take off the stomach, like the plastic fake stomach and there's a fetus

in it and shit? And then she has like perfect abs underneath. Thank God I didn't. I played with blocks. I got a giant box of Barbies at one point. point like a hand-me-down box of Barbies. And I don't remember if that was one of them, but like... They come with a removable stomach.

Yeah. And within the removable stomach is a full, full-blown kid. Yeah. And it's like curled up. It's curled up. It's curled up. Ready for nap time within that tum-tum. Yeah.

It's not okay. No, I don't want to... I mean, first off, it's anatomically incorrect. It's anatomically incorrect. And it teaches people the wrong thing about being a pro-choice or pro-life. Oh, yeah, that's true. Because you're seeing a full-grown baby. Yeah.

like a two-year-old baby. Yeah. Inside of a person and it's like, no, that, well, that's not, that's not really what it is. And also it does not come off by popping off the stomach. Sure doesn't. You got to get some really gruesome shit going to get that thing out. And once you take the baby out, there are no, there are no changes to your finances. No.

So they don't teach you what it's really like. No. No. We shouldn't sell those. No. Now we'd like to come to a segment that we call exposing. your cartoon heroes. Oh my god. Oh boy. Here's the thing. Olivia and I do this thing where we go deep onto the internet and everybody knows that everything on the internet is true and real. 100% true. And so

that's our disclaimary is true and everything we're saying is true. And if you disagree, you can go the fuck away. Here's the thing. We go deep, deep, deep deep deep into the bowels of the internet. Get deep in the bowels. And we look up the ages, heights, locations, anything. Any specific stats. Of our favorite childhood cartoons and the results will shock you. They're horrifying. They're incorrect and horrifying and it just makes you go. My whole childhood was a lie. So we want to go through them for you because if it's going to bother us and it might as well bother you.

It's going to upset all of our dreams. It should upset all of yours. Yeah. So let's go through SpongeBob. Sure, sure, sure. SpongeBob, uh, you know how old he is? No, how old is Spongod? He's 35 or he's 13.

Okay, that's a big difference. They're very different numbers. So that's, that's hard to start. This is all taken from the internet. There were two sources. One says he's 35. One says he's 13. All right. He has 35 qualities. Like for example, he's a homeowner. Yeah, he wouldn't be a homeowner at 13. No. But then again, at 13, I mean, his voice hasn't changed yet. That's true. So that quality makes sense there. He could be, what's the thing in, uh, where they, uh, castrato. What's that? It's like when it was the olden days, like the middle ages, to have

boys choirs. They would want to have boys who sang really high. So they would, castrate themselves so that they never sang low. Oh, SpongeBob is castrated. You've heard it here first. Yeah. So it could be that. Okay. He could be a 35 year old castrato or he could be just a 13 year old homeowner. Okay, well, he's one of the two. Neither of those things are really popular, modern things that exist. But SpongeBob's not a modern guy. He's a sponge. That's fair. So Mr. Crabs, you know how old he is? Uh, no. 78. That's way too old. Yeah, it's older than I thought. I think he's aging well. Okay, if he's 78 and let's just say SpongeBob's 13, yeah.

That's like really weird. Weird relationship. That's a weird relationship. They like hang out. Oh, yeah. Like on their off time. They like sang a love song to each other. No.

Yeah, the one where they're like, it's just a grill. It's just a greasy spoon. Okay. Without you. No, a 78-year-old cannot be friends with a 13-year-old sponge. Yeah, they can't sing a love song. I know, and they can't be friends. Yeah, all right.

I buy that. Okay, and then Pearl. Okay, so Pearl, first off, there's a huge lie right in there. Oh, Pearl's a Whale. Well, Pearl's a Whale, how is that a biological? Now let's get into it. If Mr. Crabs fucked a whale, they wouldn't have a whale. No. They would have something dead. Something dead. Something that when given birth to was dead. It wouldn't be alive upon exit. It would. It would create a monster. It would create a monster that was not alive. It's an inner speech. It's an interspecies nightmare because some of its organs would be so fucking huge and some of them would be so tiny. And on top of that, so much shedding of shell. Oh my God, yeah. Right? Don't they shed their shell?

I don't know. They do. You had a hermit crab. Well, hermit crabs grow out of their shells that they choose. But when a hermit crab dies, it's the most horrifying thing that's ever happened. They crawl out of the shell like an alien from the fucking bowels of hell. And they come right up to you and they go like, hey, fucker, I'm going to die in front of you all. fuck your nightmares up for the rest of your whole life.

I bought you a hermit crab. You bought me two hermit crabs. It was lovely until they killed themselves in front of me. Jesus Christ. Which I didn't like. Remember when they were sold at mall kiosks? Yeah, and then that stopped and we're all like, huh. Maybe that was wrong.

Maybe that was really wrong. I'm going to go with it was. It was. So Pearl is 16. Okay, that's a lot to unpack. That is. First off, I buy she's 16. Yeah, I buy it.

Just independently of everyone else. Yeah, she's like a cheerleader. She likes prom. Sure. 16, whatever. Now the question is, if SpongeBob is either 13, or 35. Neither of those options are okay. Spongob because they go to prom. Spongobb takes Pearl to prom. They have like a will they won't they? And that's not okay. I mean, who doesn't he have a

will they won't they with? Oh, SpongeBob's actively sexual. Yeah. He's like trying to get that. He's, he's trying to get those holes filled. He is, I was just going to say, he has so many holes to fill. Well, I'm so upset that we both had that thought. The thing is that SpongeBob being 35 and Pearl being 16 is like absolutely kill me. No, that's absolutely incorrect. And him being 13 and her being 16. is also... No. Nah. No.

No. Okay, next I got Sandy. Okay. A squirrel. Okay. Yeah. She's the squirrel with the helmet under the sea.

Yeah. She's 36. The age of my mom when she had me. The age of my mom when she had my brother. Now here's the thing. 36 is pretty old for a squirrel.

That's true. I'm just gonna say. I will say in terms of her being a love interest to SpongeBob, he better be 35 and not 13. 100%. But then again, for Pearl, he better be 13 and not 35.

So this is the problem we're having. Now it's about who you stand. more? Like who do you ship more? Who you ship more? And then is that that appropriate? And then is that appropriate? Yeah, here's what I think. Yeah. Okay, hear me out. Yeah. Squirrels die all the time. Right. Squirrel heaven is packed. Yeah. There are so many squirrels dying rapidly always and forever on our earth. They just love to. They just love to run in front of a car. They love to die. There are so many cars that love to hit squirrels and there are so many squirrels that love the taste of death from a tire. They love the taste of death from a tire. And so what I think

about it is. Yeah. We need to send more squirrels underwater in astronaut gear. Okay. And their life is going to be preserved for years and years and years

to come. They'll get to fuck sea creatures. Yeah, that's what you could take from it. Yeah, and that's what I'm choosing to take from it. So... Yeah, a squirrel can fuck a sponge any day and I think that's fine. I think it's okay.

Okay, now we have Patrick. All right. Our lovable starfish friend. Yeah. He's 37. Well, here's what I will. say this this core group of friends i love how they're all pretty much in the same age range well are they because sponge bob could be 13 that's really true so there's a world where sponge bob is 13 there's a world where

sponge bob is 13 his neighbor is 37 and together they're like fuck yeah let's wrestle that's true it's weird that could be a really big problem now we've got squid word okay you're not going to guess this one all right squidward is 26 my age what i am the same age as squidward no no no no We look the same. Wait, first off, okay, first off. Squidward and I are really similar. I've always related to him. No.

It's hard for me to deal with the fact that he's 26 because that would make him like, like, if Patrick's 37, how is Squidward 26? I mean, also. How was he that dead by 26? Like, how is he like that bummed out? Dude, that's what happens when you don't take care of your mental health issues. Yeah, seriously. That's just like he's poster child for like clinical depression. Yeah, he's got to go check it out.

He needs betterhelp.com. Yeah, he needs to go to betterhelp. This podcast is not sponsored by BetterHelp, but what if it was? I don't know. If it was, I don't know. They could pay us for that. They could pay us some money maybe after this. What would that be like?

So what other shows are you interested in? Okay, well, I mean, look, bear with us if you, if you have heard of this. But I think we got to get into the Peppop Pig Heights. Okay. We're about to blow your fucking mind. Yeah. The Peppa Pig Heights, look, if you've heard of it, just keep listening, because it's not like it's uninteresting. The Peppa Pig characters, according to Wikipedia, are these heights go forward to Lillia. As follows. Okay, so we'll start with Peppa Pig. Yeah.

Peppa Pig, according to the internet, is, and just so everyone knows what she looks like, she's a pig. A pig. She's a cartoon two-dimensional pig. She is seven-foot-one. No, she's not. So that would be, what am I? I'm 5-5. So that would be. You and like a, she would be towering over me. Yeah. So then based on that, Daddy Pig, you know Daddy Pig. He refuses to get fit. That's like his whole thing.

First name, Daddy, last name pig. Daddy Pig is 15 feet tall. No, he's not. I'm against that. So that's like the scariest thing I've ever heard. He's a full building. We've got Mummy Pig, which by the way, in America, thinking about someone named Mummy Pig,

that just reminds me of a mummified. Like a mummified pig. Some mummified pork for you. So the mummified pig is 12 feet and 2 inches. So much taller. That is so much taller than she needs to be. That is so much taller than a pig would be if it was able to stand up. And then of course the little brother, George, the little pig, is a meager 4 foot 6.

How old is he? I don't know, like three or four. No. Yeah, he's like a child. Like he's like a toddler. I would like to move on to telitubbies. Okay. Horrifying.

The telotubbies are also very tall. Okay. This is bad. Yeah. They have television screens on their stomachs. They listen to a laughing sun baby, and they are 100% so tall. Yeah. So let's go through it.

You know Po. Yeah. La La Poe. Poe is six foot six. Okay, fuck that. Po is way too tall. That's way too tall. Po is so much taller.

And that's actually canon, right? That's real life and real life because... That's how tall he is. That's so... And is it a he, she, or they? Like, what is... It's a telotubby. It's a telotubby.

And a parent, telitubbies have no gender. I'm going to say any pronoun works for all teletubbies. All teletubbies are, there's something. Yeah. And apparently the suits themselves were like 30 pounds. Okay. And the... So you'd have to take the average weight of a 6 foot 6 person and then add 30 pounds of suit.

And apparently the telotubby heads were known for like almost killing you with carbon dioxide buildup. Thank God. So all of the telotubbies were at. risk of completely dying. Oh my fucking know. The entire time they were filming. They were like doing their song about telitubby custard or whatever the fuck. Which by the way, tubby custard was mashed potatoes.

Tubby custard is a word we never need to hear again. No, tubby custard sounds like cum. Yeah. I didn't want to say it. No, but we both did. It does. It sounds like it's telotubby cum that comes out of their TV scream tummy. I'm so upset about every sentence.

Every sentence that comes out of my mouth makes me so upset. Okay. We've got Lala. Yeah. Now you think Lala's taller than Po? She is. He is. They are.

No, they're not. They're 6'5. Okay. So I have a problem with this. Yeah, it's not true. It's not even true. The Internet lied about that. That's a freaking lie.

Because if you look at him standing next to each other, Lala's obviously taller, here's what I think happened, right? I think they measured Lala from the top of Lala's head down, and I think they measured Poe from the top of Poe's antenna down. Oh. I think that's what they did, and I think they fucked up. They went from Poe's stem. Yeah, stem down.

Stem down. Yeah. is what I always say. Tinky winky, coming at a mere 10 feet tall. That's too tall for me. Tinky winky. Okay. And then we got Dipsy who is eight feet tall.

Okay. The size of the average deep end of a swimming pool. Okay. And you can't, I mean, I'm sorry. Yeah. I just can't take a figure that is eight feet tall named Dipsy seriously. Okay, so here's my question, right? Mm-hmm.

If we had to have a fight, right? Oh, I love this. Who would win in a fight between the extremely tall Peppa Pig cast and the extremely tall Telitubbies cast? Well, let's talk about weight class. Yeah, okay. So weight class-wise, let's say we would have Tinky Winky against Daddy Pig. Yeah, we'd have to. Because Tinky Winky's 10 feet, Daddy Pig is how tall?

15 feet tall. Okay, I think Tinky Winky is going to win this one. Really? Daddy Pig hates getting fit. He refuses to be fit. And he hates being fit. He hates being fit. Tinky Winky is closer to the ground, has an antenna that can absolutely

poke on the guts of Daddy Pig. And is super fit. Super fit. That's lore. Tell us how to be lore is that Tinky Winky is fucking ripped. Yeah. Like both American fit and Love Island fit, which just means hot. Yeah.

So this was our first podcast. This was our first episode. How cool is that? I love that. Thank you guys so much for listening and or watching. And make sure that you go ahead and follow us on every platform. Every platform. We're at Cid and Olivia.

S-Y-D-A-N-N-A-N. Andy, Olivia, it's written on the thing. We're on Twitter. We're on Instagram. We're on TikTok. You should follow us. We're on YouTube. And you can also ask us questions. Tell us some topic ideas. Whatever you guys want to see, let us know.

And we'll do it. Ask us any advice questions. Let us know literally anything you want. We'll do it unless it's full frontal nudity. Speak for yourself. I'll do full frontal nudity any day. Give me $2. Give me $2.

Thank you guys for. listening. This is Sid and Olivia Talk Shit. And yeah, have a freaking great day. We'll see you next time. Bye!