Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - Best of Table Manners

Episode Date: September 5, 2018

Whilst we gear up for a new season of Table Manners, we’ve created a little amuse bouche of all the best bits from Table Manners so far! From Sam Smith’s Gollum impression to the George Ezra short rib disaster, Stacey Dooley’s - as she puts it - dump in a box, and the wonderful Sandi Toksvig rewriting women’s history, this episode can tide you over 'til you hear from us, very soon for Season 4....Listen, over share and enjoy! Love from Lennie and Jessie xProduced by Alice Williams Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to the best of Table Manners so far. We've been away in Greece and I've been in the studio so we thought we'd give you a little amuse-bouche to listen to whilst Mum starts firing up her kitchen again for series four guests, which is coming very, very soon. Mum, how was your holiday? Fabulous. How was your holiday, baby Burrows? We did eat quite well in Greece. We did, yep.

We got some ideas for season four. Yep. What was your favourite moment during the podcast so far? I want to know. Of which season? Mum, we've got three to choose from. Crikey. Well, I always say this, meeting Daniel Kaluuya.

This is really mean. I'm a bit slightly obsessed with him. Yeah, and there was somebody else in the room at the same time. Meeting Joe Dempsey and Daniel Kaluuya. There you go. We did have fun. Alan Carr. Having Alan Carr, I don't think I've ever laughed so much in the whole of my life.

I feel like Alan should be somebody that comes back every series. Because it was just... Such fun. Obscenely funny. somebody that comes back every series because it was just such fun but I don't think I've ever had anyone take Rinse Me quite as badly as that without any resistance I love you using the word rinse

so on this best of table manners so far we've got Sam Smith's Gollum impression, Alan Carr tells us about Adele marrying him and Felix White one of my best friends from childhood and from the Maccabees and also a record exec and cricket extraordinaire talks about how I forced him to be my boyfriend at primary school it's all lies he really wanted to be um there's also the job oh you want to say something what do you want to say okay should we talk about the time that

mummy had to order deliveroo for the george ezra episode and everything went wrong in the kitchen that was bad that was really bad that's up on there it was funny then it was a short-lived disaster and stacy dooley's as she puts it dump in a box we are so excited that stacy is doing strictly as well so happy um so happy good luck stacy we love you i hope we'll be able to go and see her i know i did actually do a little i slid in her dms to kind of have the conversation about potentially going but you know if you go you know if you go you can't go for a wee for the whole time i know and we've got the wonderful sandy toxvig the best woman in the world

rewriting women's history i would also like to say anybody who believes in women's equality please go and sign up to the women's equality party it's incredible it's important and sandy togsvig is a wonderful wonderful woman and so impressive and we loved her and i loved it particularly when she told you that your clementine cake wouldn't make it in bake-off oh yeah well i haven't tried for bake- off so i don't need to um listen and enjoy and we'll be back very soon with season four we're so excited to give you more and we've loved meeting each and every guest we've cooked for so please keep sending your guest suggestions and please send them into at table manners podcast on instagram we are listening to you and we are

on it and we are still recruiting for series four. Who have people most wanted to come on Table Manners? I think lots of people want Nigella. Wow. Do you think we can get her? Let's see what we can do. People wanted Mo the Comedian and Ellie Goulding was in there.

She's just got engaged. She has. Muzzle top Ellie. Bit busy with webbing probably. Okay, maybe. Thank you so much for listening and enjoy Table Manners so far. I thought Mexico was in Europe

until last year. I got a plane with my manager and he said, and I didn't have any hand luggage. And he was like, why have you not got any hand luggage? And I was like, it's just like a two hour plane journey to Mexico. And he was like, no, Sam. Where do you think Mexico is? And I thought Mexico was like near Germany. Because if you look at pictures it looks very Spanish, not that Spain is near Germany but

it looks very Spanish and everyone speaks Spanish and I just didn't realise it was so far away. So, had you packed correctly? Nope. Why are you in Mexico on a holiday? No, just gigs. Got a shock on my life, it's a 12 hour plane journey. Very different to Spain.

I'm from Spain. I'm from Spain. I'm from Spain. I'm from Spain. I'm from Spain. I'm from Spain. I'm shock on my life, it's a 12 hour plane journey. Very different to Spain and Germany. Can I whip cream with a hand blender? Fuck's sake.

I'm not fucking whipping it for like, I've got one of those bloody things, I just can't find them. Hold on mum. Mum, we need whipped cream, this is going to be an issue. Have you got a whisk? I don't mind having non-whipped cream. No, I mind., we need whipped cream. This is going to be an issue. Have you got a whisk? I don't mind having non-whipped cream. No, I mind. I mind.

How do you whip cream? Have you got ice cream as well? This is an absolute mess, Mum. Oh, hold on. Hold on. I found a whisk. Okay, well that could take 20 minutes. Oh, hold on.

You're right. I've got a fucking broken whisk. That could take 20 minutes. Oh my God, look at that whisk. Should I just try and do it for a bit? I mean, how long is it going to take? A little while, darling. Think of those arm muscles, babe.

No, I haven't been able to work out for ages. I've just had one Pete Sampras bloody bicep. Oh no, Mum, it's already whipping. Good. Oh my God, I'm incredible. Whip it good. Into shape. Was it real?

Oh. It's not too late. I've overdone it. How can I even do that? Oh my God, that's whipped so late. Have I just, I've overdone it? How could I ever do that? How could you do that? Oh my god, that's whipped so quickly. No, what the fuck? We froze our guinea pigs by accident when we were kids.

What? How did you freeze them? We left them in the garage and they froze. Shit. I know, but we thought the garage was warm. When we rock hard? Yeah. And we put like padding and everything there, but they died. Oh, my God.

We had nightmares, kids with pets. We had, like, all our hamsters got eaten by the cat. Oh, yeah, the gerbil, yeah. Jar Jar Binks was my first hamster. I just got mutilated. Oh, look, sorry. Can you please, just because... Oh, God.

No, it's just because I feel like not enough people know how... Well, I mean, a lot of people know you're funny, but, like, I've never... No, no it's gonna be really embarrassing for you but I don't care do your impersonation that I love you to do. Colin? Yeah. It's gonna sound weird with a cold. No it's gonna sound amazing. You stupid fat robot. It's good isn't it? You ruined it! My presser. Is it good? So good! Very good. My presser. Now you've got the roll.

Throw the buttons. It's so good! That leads me to my next question. What is your comfort food? Crunchy peanut butter with jam on a cinnamon bagel with loads of butter, toasted, with a glass of milk. Oh sweet, that's a nice one! And why is that? Does it take you back to your childhood? Yeah, my grandma used to... My grandma was the reason why I got fat.

She used to feed me up. My mum and dad would be like, you need to stop eating, when I was like 13, because I was getting huge. And grandma would be like, he's young, he's growing, let him eat. And my parents were really strict, so they were like, he can't eat bad food. I have a very fond memory of my grandma waking me up at 3 in the morning in my summer holidays and taking me downstairs and just sitting with me on the kitchen bench, just feeding me peanut butter and jam on a spoon.

I love her. Yeah, she was amazing. Which grandma was it? Your mum's mum? It was my mum's mum, yeah. She was incredible. Incredible. When did she pass away? When I was 19. She got really sick and we thought she was going to die and we all said our goodbyes and then she had another year. Oh good.

Yeah, and she was amazing. She was smoking weed to the very end. Oh! Because she was in so much pain they just gave her weed. So she was amazing. She was smoking weed to the very end. Because she was in so much pain, they just gave her weed. So she was just high, basically, for the last year of her life. She had a fabulous time. She had a fabulous time. We're unable to sit down and do an intro, so we're doing it from the kitchen. What? Because we are still cooking.

This is a pretty big one. Not too much, not too much. I'm pissed off. This is a pretty... Titty! That's enough. Shit me. Olive oil. Which is a pretty big one. Not too much, not too much. I'm pissed off. This is a pretty... Two teas! Shut up! That's enough.

Shit me. Olive oil. This is quite a big one. This is a... We've got kind of podcast royalty coming over. How many? One, two, three. Three.

Enough. they are a trio who were made famous by one of their dad's literature, racy literature. It's Jamie James and Alice of My Dad Wrote Porno and I feel like we're idiots for not doing more innuendos with this menu mum. Can you just massage? Oh, well... innuendos with this menu mum can you just massage oh basically he put this really lovely Laura Ashley wallpaper up

that was just covered in pomegranates oh fuck and because my mum doesn't listen to the podcast she didn't know what that meant for about six months she thought it was lovely that was just covered in pomegranates. Oh, fuck. And because my mum doesn't listen to the podcast, she didn't know what that meant for about six months. She thought it was lovely.

Did he do it as an in-joke? Yes, of course he did. He's a rocky. You're naughty. He's just trolling your mum at any opportunity. Every time she walked into her own home, she was just in a shrine to my dad's home. I'd quite like to go and see the pomegranate all make up. Oh, God, imagine.

Next time you're there. Where do you live? Where do you live? I actually don't, we actually don't live in Manchester anymore. So I can tell you, I grew up in Altrincham. Did you? Altrincham. Hale.

Mum, it will be like, I just went to Detroit. Very posh. I just went to Detroit and it will be like the Motown Museum. It will. Yes. I couldn't imagine. Clitsville. Clits imagine! Clipsville! Clipsville!

We've got a name! To Clipsville! Cheers! Never thought that would be so nice. Who said this wasn't a brainstorming session? So there's the name of the theme park. Okay, meeting adjourned! Thanks guys! So there's the name of the theme park as well. Great. Okay, meeting adjourned.

Thanks, guys. Does your partner wear Crocs? Yes. I knew it. I love Crocs. They love Crocs, the country people. But the thing is, I sometimes pop his Crocs on because I'm lazy to go and muck out. Don't let standards drop.

Well, listen, love, you know the holes in them. You tread in cow shit, then that goes in the holes. So then you're sort of making shit tagliatelle. It's just sort of moulded out. Just where you're hunters. I mean, so, you know, even in this kind of weather, you're like, oh, can't be, you know, I'm getting to that age of bending down to put wellies on and I'm not born to wear wellies.

So you, but then I've learned my lesson and then, you know, you get like cow shit in between your toes when you're wearing Birkenstocks. Oh. Alan, can I just say something? You look so young. You're joking. No.

What's in this room, sir? I haven't got my glasses on. Oh, don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Your skin is beautiful. Your skin is good. You look gorgeous. Do you know I'm glowing?

You look much younger than... Everyone says that. Everyone says that. But do you know, when I was up until 22, I had psoriasis, you know, all over. You know, singing detective. And I wonder whether, because you know your skin just regenerates quicker

when you've got psoriasis. It's been like a peel. Yeah, I think it is. I mean, the first half of my life, it looked like I'd been dipped in Alpen. It was so flaky. And then you'll be in your mini and you'll put the old blower on. It's like a snow globe. So, Hobbin, you've got dewy skin.

It's glowy, it's dewy. And I don't put anything on it. So when did it go? Do you not? Nothing? It just went. Well, you know the old Greek thing? You know your body changes every seven years? No, I don't put anything on it. So when did it go? Do you not? Nothing? It just went. Well, you know the old Greek thing. You know your body changes every seven years.

No, I don't know this. Oh, my God. Your ears change shape every seven years. I didn't know that. The Greeks say your whole everything changes. You rejuvenate every seven years. And it stopped when I was 21. What do you mean you rejuvenate?

You get younger and younger. I started getting migraines at 14. And then it all sort of goes in within the sevens for me. And then the psoriasis just stopped at 21. Oh, so it's a seven-year cycle. Yeah, I think it's a seven-year cycle. But you change. And I've changed every seven years.

So what happened at 28? I got gangrene. No. I'm trying to think of an illness that would be quite politically correct. No, it's just funny, isn't it? Just several years for me. You look gorgeous. Oh, that's very sweet.

Really handsome. Can we talk about the wedding at all? Of course you can. Because I feel like everyone kind of knows about the wedding. Yes. Was that a bit of an accident or was it just kind of like... Well, we had... I'm sure we'd love to know more.

Yes, of course. But the thing is, I just don't want to get into the... Well, all I talk about is Adele. But I mean, we told... No, I know, I know. We told her we were going to get married and she went, oh my God, I want to do the special day. I said, okay, okay, that's fine.

And she went, and I also want to marry you. I said, oh my God. I said, you really don't have to do that. She went, no, I am, I am. You know what she's fine. And she went, and I also want to marry you. I said, oh, my God. I said, you really don't have to do that. She went, no, I am, I am. You know what she's like. She reminds me of one of my sheep. And so, yeah, we had it in her back garden. In Los Angeles?

In Los Angeles. How many people came? Me, her, a partner, and two of our friends who live down the road there. Oh, it was really intimate. Really intimate. Pink's guitarist and then a backing singer, Claire, who's a gorgeous singer. She sings with Tina Turner and Taylor Swift and everything. And so it was just magical when we went there. And she'd got a man playing a grand piano in her back garden.

This massive wall of roses. Fresh roses. Gorgeous. got a man playing a grand piano in her back garden, this massive wall of roses, fresh roses, everything. And it was just the best. And then she just did the vows and then she sang our song. And then the car, a limo turns up outside. We've just married on and we all get in there. And then we go to this private jet and we fly to see Celine Dion. Shut up. I know.

Did you not know about any of this didn't know I didn't know and then she takes us to this Michelin-starred restaurant in a private room and I said listen I said right right Adela said I'm paying for this now I'm paying for this too late I said no come on come on let me pay for that and she wouldn't have any she's the most generous loveliest person ever and then of course as you know I've drank and ate the whole day you know blocky

typical like that so even though I have got amazing skin sometimes it does go blocky and so I'm like oh we're in this I was holding room

backstage and then there's the Celine Dion merchandise thing so I think oh I can't wait to get the leggings on Celine Dion leggings

she does leggings leggings I get the hoodie on Celine Dion leggings she does leggings leggings I get the hoodie on is she on the leggings yeah yeah yeah I got the hoodie got the hoodie and the hat on

I'm like wicked you're going way out yeah I'm like yeah yeah honeymoon here right come so I go oh I'm so relaxed

so I've got all my suit my carrier bag lovely I'm relaxed to watch this concert then Adele goes come on then let's go and let's go and

let's go again and then as we turn the corner we go into this room the curtain comes down Celine Dion goes I believe congratulations are in order because that's what she sounds like a Bond villain and I went oh my god Adele you never told me you're meeting her and I am top to toe in Celine Dion merchandise and you know when someone starts talking to you like, hello, have you come far? I'm like, no, this isn't what it looks like. I have got married and I'm not a stalker or a mad fan. I mean, I look like

proper bucket list, you know. This is my life. Make a wish. That's when it felt like I am a super fan. But she was so lovely. It's just the most amazing. What's your favourite Celine Dion song? Oh, I like all of her. But she was so lovely. It was just the most amazing. What's your favourite Celine Dion song? Oh I like all of her. What's the one? All by myself, don't wanna be. Yes, right. All in the mouth.

In the night! That one. Yeah, she hits the notes. And she was spot on. Coming up on Table Manners this evening, we have George Ezra. Excited. Are you, though? Yeah. But I'm really annoyed.

Oh, I'm looking fine. It's not... It's not... It's not it. It's not... What? How does it go? How does it go? How does it go?

I'm imagining you going out of the house looking in the mirror and going, I'm looking fine. No, it's not. That can almost be like a bird sign. What is it? I lose it all. Oh, I lose it all. Okay.

And it's over you. Ooh. Ooh, it's over you. We'll get him to sing a few chords. Maybe he'll duet, Mum. My God, yes. We've got a situation. As I asked Mum to look at the beef,

I pulled it out and I said i'm worried is it tough this is the most expensive rib of beef i've ever seen that you cook for like a very short time like a roast so i asked sam to get the short ribs that had been ordered by becky he picked them up babe what Babe, what did you say? I said, I'm here to pick up the ribs for Table Man. Did you say short ribs? I said ribs. What the shit?

They would have... Oh, Jesus. It's not his fault. They would have put it... You've got a very expensive cut of meat here. Yeah, but it's overcooked. Never mind. It will taste delicious.

No, it won't. It will. I'm very upset about this. The taste might be suffering. George, I'm sorry, this has never happened on Table Manners, and I'm very embarrassed about this. This is a funny show. I've never done short ribs, I didn't know they were supposed to look like that. Mum save this meal, save this bloody meal. I will!

They're not short they're massive ribs. Can you give me a pan to make gravy? I'm a second George. Jessie, give me a pan. Shall I just get a takeaway? No. It'll be fine, I'll cook it up. It's going to taste like shit.

Let me try a bit of this. It's beyond over cooked. It's beyond over cooked. That's a beef. I need something beefy. it's beyond okay very upset long rib They're bigger than my child's leg. Jessie forced me to go out with her when I was about nine or ten. You're not looking down the line. I remember this as well.

I was kind of in the corner of a classroom and Jessie literally cornered me and said, we're going to, you're going to be my boyfriend. Jessica. Didn't stop you kissing me throughout our teenage years so there you go do you want to do it chronologically or not so yeah let's stick with the chronology of it let's start and i said i don't think i want that really to be your boyfriend and she said no no no no you have to i don't believe i think i remember you came closer and closer to me. And then I said, all right, I'll do it, I'll do it, I'll do it. Oh my God, like I was like, you were grooming him.

I was grooming him. Anyway, it didn't work, did it? Oh, please, road rage over here. Please. Should we tell everybody about when you got fish and chips thrown over you by the van driver because you told him to fuck off or something. No I did not tell him to do that. What happened did you get mushy peas? I said do I he was going at 10 miles an hour down Acre Lane and when I drove alongside him and I said do I have to go at 10 miles an hour because you're

eating your lunch and he said have some and threw it in my face Fee what is your worst table manner of somebody else's worst table manner does that make sense yeah that does make sense do you know one weird thing I don't like? In a restaurant, when people are still eating, and the waiter comes and takes plates away from people. In America? All the time. It's a thing in America. Why do they do that?

And I also don't know why it's that upsetting, why that should be offensive. Because it makes you feel like you're slow. You are quite slow. Like, Mum and I finished, like, half an hour. Normally I'm really, really fast. He has been talking more. I know, why are you being Like, mum and I finished, like, half an hour. This is... Normally, I'm really, really fast. He has been talking more. I know.

Why are you being so... Yeah, you're usually, like, wolf it down. Because I used to... That used to be my thing, eat, because there was three of us. There was three of you as well. But we used to eat so quickly to get whatever was left. Yeah. Jesse...

Well, everyone had to eat quickly to beat Jesse. Never share a meal with Jesse. She says, oh, let's have this, this, and this. We'll share. And me, Sam, and Alex have this, this and this. We'll share. And me, Sam and Alex are going, no. We always love food, Jessie. We want to talk about eat my words. Eat your words.

Yeah, can we talk about that? Well, seeing as this is a food podcast and it is quite funny. Yeah, why don't you say it? When you were 11. Yeah, Felix, you introduced this. On my 16th birthday Felix um brought this out the video out yeah anyway I don't think I've ever laughed so much I actually felt have you still got the video yeah I've still got it yeah do you know I got mugged a bit and asked it back

you didn't because after my party you all got mugged at the end of the road and we had to come back to the house and mum went and tried to find them all, didn't you? You came with me, darling. We got mugged. And you gave us all whiskey. I remember, we were only about 15. You all got punched. To get over the shock. All right, so we went to primary school together, as we described.

And when we were, maybe, we must have been about nine or ten. People came round asking for kids that wanted to be on a show. I think we just got picked. I think we just, people came to class and you had to draw a picture. I think we just got picked. I think we just, people came to class and you had to draw a picture or tell a story or something and they went,

God, you have such a better memory than me. And they went, all right, you six are in, or whatever. Okay, yeah. And me and you were two of the people that got chosen and it was being chosen

for a ITV, children's TV show called Eat Your Words, which Simon Parkin presented. Yeah. And it was on at about 3.30, 4am in the morning, your dad was the only person

who recorded it my dad got up to watch all of them and recorded them but we, the motive basically of this TV show was you had to ask you had to answer inanely simple questions, but if you happened to get them wrong

you had to eat inanely simple questions but if you happened to get them wrong you had to eat a disgusting forfeit and if you ate a disgusting forfeit then you bizarrely got more points than you did if you got the question right so I'm first and Jessie's next after me no, Jessie's first and they asked Jessie what the

they asked Jessie what the fifth letter of the alphabet is the alphabet's written out in front of her she goes F I've never been good on TV and they go okay you're going with F are you sure you're sure F and Jessie looks at it again she goes I'm looking across at her going, Jessie, with my buck teeth, because I hadn't had my teeth straightened out. You really hadn't had your teeth done. Jessie had her red denim jacket, pink denim jacket on.

I did that. Yeah. Are you sure it's F, Jessie? She goes, no, I'm 100% it's F. Anyway, it wasn't F. The fifth letter of the alphabet is E, especially if it's written out in front of you. But they said, don't worry, Jessie. As long as you eat one of these disgusting forfeits, you'll be fine. So Jessie had to eat... Cold peas or something.

You might remember better than that. Did I get the pickled onion and custard or did I get... Cold custard and carrots maybe. Oh, yeah. It's a deeply frustrating memory for me because Jessie just wolfed down all the disgusting forfeits and she knocked me out just by the fact that they were like, and how was that?

And she'd be like, no, it was all right. It wasn't intellect. Was it disgusting? Tactical. That's pretty good. It's just like... Jessie, maybe you should go on the celebrity. Oh, no Fucking way

I got asked for that Bloody Bear Grylls Like celebrity island thing Everyone would have seen What a nightmare Jewish princess I am You got asked to go on Yeah

Bear Grylls Yeah What was it called The island What you have to Fuck that I'm a Jewish princess Why the fuck would I want to be

On a fucking deserted island Where I can't eat Jessie Sorry Yeah let's not swear as much But that was tactical just you know maybe I could play cricket Do you think you realistically will be on a reality

TV show? Is that a rhetorical question? Which one would you be on? Strictly Strictly just so you lose the weight and you get to dance That is really funny about Eat Your Words and quite appropriate for this.

Yeah, anyway, years later, when we were, Jessie, it was your 16th birthday. Yeah, you bought the video. After leaving your house, we all got mugs of everything. Can I, no, but like... We might be living in a rough area. But also, no, we were the most innocent kids because teenagers. Yeah, well, that's why we got mugs.

It was an afternoon tea party on a Sunday. Yes, it was, babe. It was afternoon tea, babe. That was the joke of it. It was on Sunday, not afternoon. No, it was pitch black out there. It was dangerous out there. Yeah, because it's October.

And you left about seven. Oh, really? That's not my memory of it at all. But that's what we were on. It definitely was afternoon. How many times have you been mugged, though? Enough. And you had to come times have you been mugged though? enough anyway

so maybe your dad had to come and pick you up did he? I had to ring him and say Felix has been mugged but is okay did we call the police?

we did you think you are the police you think you I am not more we went we went out Jesse and I like vigilantes

no shots done come at you. You went out looking for them. Yeah, we did. Me and Jessie did. We went looking for them and the police then said to me, I'd just like to warn you, Miss Swear,

you know, leave the policing to us. Anyway, when we got mugged, they nicked the video, the Eat Your Words video that I'd taken up. And I thought, fuck. I'm never going gonna get that back anything but that so i just gathered all the courage i had just to run back to the pack of

kids and i just located the guy that i thought would be most unsightly and just went i'm so sorry there's a video in all that stuff you've got which I really I just don't think it's gonna be of any use to you and he went back and he had a long discussion and then he'd come back with a video. Is it true there were some girls in the gang? Fee? Lenny don't stitch me up on podcast. We have had girls mugging. Were there girls? No, no, no. But there were girls mugged Tommy Stubbington. Do you remember coming off the school bus? And he's like six foot three. I've been to Barry's Boot Camp today, so I'm going to eat loads.

What was Barry's Boot Camp like? I nearly threw up why I kind of smashed the first round on the treadmill because you go on the treadmill and then off the treadmill and do floor stuff and alternate I kind of smacked it because I just kind of wanted to impress this beautiful woman next to me and then I was done in and then you had two more goes on it didn't do so well but saw about her numbers on her speed and thought well i'm doing more than her so i'm kind of still smacking it and then after the second round she said oh don't watch my numbers i'm seven months pregnant and i felt like shit after that she looked amazing what was

she doing at barry's boot camp looking amazing and keeping fit just eating chocolates and sitting at home and she's not asked mom that's the problem yeah uh but anyway yeah so stacy dooley coming up on table manners we are going to talk about a bit about food this is uh this is supposed to talk a bit about food. Yes. No, brilliant. This is supposed to be a food podcast, but I do have so many questions. I die for food. Really? I'm a massive... I mean, do you know what? I'm not particularly fussy.

I think because I travel so much, I'll eat anything. Right. Except one time, when I was in the Ivory Coast, they said, would you like some chicken? I said, yeah, I'll have some chicken. And then I promise you, it's a true story. I saw them stuffing dynamite down the ground. You're joking. I thought, I'm not getting fucking chicken.

I'm getting rat. And about four and a half hours later, this meat came out. And they didn't have anything. So you're sort of delighted that they've included you. So I think I ate rat. How did it taste? I know everyone says this, but it was just like chicken. That's good to know.

If you ever skin, we've got no chicken. We could just go to London Town. I mean, it's got the rat. I want to know, because we're doing a podcast. Yes, we are. We like to take it a podcast. Yes, we are. We like to take it beyond food. Yes.

And you do have a knack of being able to get the answers out of people. And I know, do you think it's just, is there a talent with, can you give me any tips, basically? Of getting information out of people? Yes. I think, this has worked for me a couple of times, I think there has to be, irrespective of what they've done or who they are or where they're coming from, I think there has to be a certain level of respect. You know, because you're throwing yourself into their world

and you might sort of fiercely disagree, sort of fundamentally disagree. You have barely anything in common, but they have given you the time to talk to you and so i think you have to just you can't go in sort of shouting and bawling and i've learned that because i did at the start i was so opinionated and it's great to have opinions and it's great to sort of you know stand true to you know stand to what you believe in the rest of it but you've got to let the other person speak and you can't understand where they're coming from if you don't give them that platform so i think it's just very calm you know very kind of chilled sort of very neutral at the

start and i think when you've got to ask tricky questions i'm quite tactile so if i've got to sort of go in with a real blower i sort of just touch the elbow you aren't quite tactile you do you've touched my shoulder quite a few times what do do you want from me? What do you want? I've already fed you. Yeah. But I love my job. Do you think it helps that you're a woman? And I don't want to...

Do you think it helps that you're a woman? I think in some situations it does. I think it can either help or hinder. It depends where you are. I think in some countries where it's real sort of male dominated and there's sort of a real lack of respect for women they don't take you seriously and they'll talk through your male director but there are other situations where I look like I'd like a scruffy 20 year old student and then I wish realistic was she gonna do

you know so they they guards down and they talk in a way that perhaps they wouldn't if I was sort of stood there 50 years old with white hair and a navy suit so I do I do think it sort of swings and roundabouts I think in some situations I also you know you're going into these conflict zones and you talked about wanting a family and you know how do you feel like that works with your job that's a really good question I feel like at the minute i'm i'm more willing to put myself in dangerous situations because i haven't i haven't got babies and you know it would be devastating if anything happens but you know at the minute i'm just my own woman i think

when i do if i'm lucky enough i mean you just assume that you can have them if I'm lucky enough to have babies I don't think I will I still want to show my baby that I'm strong and I'm you know principles and mum work, you know mums have to work I still will definitely work but I'll be more selective in terms of where I go because yeah you can't leave them

can you sort of fend for themselves So we've heard about the dynamite rat you've been all around the world japan's been your favorite food um uh any more food stories interesting food stories um i mean india you've been to india yes foods in india is beautiful but it doesn't matter how many times i'll go i've probably been certainly four or five times still got diarrhea i'm so ill i can't keep it down and there was a really embarrassing time you know i was really really poorly i've also got this i mean i shouldn't

say this but i've also got this issue where okay is it about is it about your if i need to talk yeah i love this please i love talking about poop so if I eat something yeah and you want to go straight away well if I need to go I need me too to go I'm excited and I've been caught short

a couple of times like abroad so I've eaten really amazing foods and it's like you sort of I want to eat what the locals eat

because I'm so cultural and I'm so you know I've got my finger on the pole so I'm here and I want to eat anyway

so I go for it showing off eat eat eat and then I nearly need a shit. Yeah. And I've, a couple of times, like in India, like kind of on the street, like, and this beautiful little Indian woman sort of holding my hair, and I was being sick everywhere. Oh my God.

I had a sweet, I was shitting and being sick everywhere. Mate. Then. That's a shocker. Listen to this. When I was in, when, when I was in Thailand, Joyce, my director, she directed that as well. I said, Joyce, I'm fucking desperate for the toilet. I'd eaten like an insect off a stick or whatever.

You know, in the markets. Why? Are you mad? I know, so silly. I'm like, yeah. I just have a bad time, babe. Why can't you have mango sticky rice like everyone else? So I'd eaten, yeah, i'd been shown off the market and then i said joyce i really really need the toilet i'm desperate she says we can't stop

here we're not you know them freeways in bangkok they've got like 800 lanes anywhere so i couldn't stop and it was traffic was mental and i thought and my friend mabeen who's a guy we're in this big van i said oh look i need the i need the toilet and we had an ice an ice um box you have you know and then you keep the water and the cans and i just said look can you all put the music on really loud and just put the windows down and just don't ever talk about it i took all the cans of drink out of the ice bucket of our ice box down the ice box and shit all in the ice box. I love you. I mean, I just can't.

Yeah, but what would you do? And then I had the ice box. I had this ice box full of shit. And I was just sitting in the car with the ice box with shit on my lap because I couldn't throw it out. You know, I was on the freeway. And then I had to wait until we got to the hotel and empty it down the train. Mate, I respect that.

I thought pissing in a bottle in the back of a splitter was impressive. No, that is far more impressive. Shit, the nice sparks. My aim was good in a bottle in the back of a splitter van. But it's so hard.

Can I... My husband put poo in the fridge this week. A stool sample. Oh, Jesse, stop it. No, here's his shit. Yes, dude. In my fridge

when he's got a bug. He's talking about having a parasite from Goa. He talking about having a parasite from Goa. He has not got a parasite from Goa. And he's putting shit when I've got Stacey Dooney coming over. You've got Stacey fucking Dooney coming round. So if you have a dicky dummy, blame my husband. I know who to blame.

Yeah. Sam too. The thing is with me, I never learn. It's like, I've just got bad tummy because it happened to get i mean you would think once in your lifetime that would be enough right shooting in a car in a box when i was driving from vegas to la sound really high end but you know with work we um and actually was st and i would sort of really going for it we'd rented this personal training boyfriend yeah just so we know um and and i had bought a pair of fancy shoes like philip limb heels lovely and because they

were half price in this um boutique in vegas i die for a bargain it's not what you spend it's what you save as my mum said it's true you've got to select them pieces wisely so i bought these shoes really felt the part and I'd kept them in the box because you know the box was lovely and let's be honest it's all about the the packaging so the roof was down the music was on sort of repping the UK listening to our grime showing off in my sunglasses approaching LA on the freeway and I need a shit so I said to Sam I really I'm really into it it's just a so you're not a child like we'll literally be there in half an hour people don't understand when you've got

that's what I'm saying I said I said Sam look I don't want to kick off I don't want to have a row on the freeway going into LA but I really really need a dump like we're gonna have to store it's a stay so i can't go anywhere so i got the philip limb box the philip i got the shoes and i said can you put the roof up please i need some privacy he said you're outraged he said you're outrageous he said i'm not gonna be able to have sex with you for a very long time if i have to watch you shit in that i love that your colleagues you were like put the windows down please never talk about and you're like put the roof up like hot boxes fucking vehicle i said put the roof i said put the windows up but the roof he should have stopped yeah he said there was nowhere to start oh he could have stopped

somewhere i'm with you girl but anyway so i shit in the philip limb box and sam was totally mortified and he was right we didn't have sex for a few days because he probably couldn't look at me that's alright I mean yeah no you're right but yeah what about that and there was sort of like an awkward silence for the next four to six hours because I was just so mortified

hello and welcome to Table Manners I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here with my dear mother why are you pulling a face? because you've just been mean to me Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here with my dear mother. Why are you pulling a face? What? Because you've just been mean to me. Yeah, I'm saying it through gritted teeth. I didn't want to tell the listeners that, but yeah.

My lack of enthusiasm. Er, no, your like Stalin-esque kind of... Delegation. Yeah, er, ruling. Okay. Someone needs to be in charge. I'm really glad I'm going on tour for two weeks because you are doing my nut in. You may hear a rustle against your ears.

That is me. I'm basically trying to do everything before I go on tour. I'm trying to get my grey hairs done. So bless Liz, my lovely hairstylist. Why? Everyone knows. It's warts and all, mum. It Does she talk like that when I'm being grey? Everyone knows. It's warts and all, Mum. It's warts and all.

Then why colour it? Touché. And we're back. So, tonight we have... A vegan. We have, I think, a new vegan. Is she a new vegan she a new vegan yeah i think so okay i'm not gonna lie it's really tough cooking for vegans yeah we got away with it with annie mac with the brunch i think brunch is much easier with vegans it's it's not going to be the sexiest dish but it's hearty

it's really cold outside and i've been given the task of this because Mum just couldn't be arsed, could you, Mum? Don't have any trouble with vegans, darling. However, you will like this person. Yeah, I know I will. She's always been really good to me. Yeah. She's a very strong woman in music

who has a strong opinion, which I love. It's rather fearless and bright and political and we became mums around the same time so whilst we were pregnant I think lent her my spiritual midwifery book a hippie book about home births and breathing a baby out neither of us breathed that baby out I think we can both confirm and maybe I'll be in trouble with her later when we maybe compare birth stories maybe she won't talk about it I definitely sent her to my Ayurvedic guru her name is Paloma Faith and we can't be a diva and everyone else goes back to work

when did you did you go back to work quite early five months yeah i mean like but i bet you were still working before that kind of on emails and whatnot and thinking bits and bobs but i feel like the birth was so traumatic and awful and i came so i apologize it's. It's alright. Mine was premature. Oh shit. I didn't realise that. I had everything. Premature, caesarean, 20 hours of labour.

And just had my piles sorted out today. The piles are the worst. It's the worst thing. Honestly. They never go either. I know. I just had them injected with something. No one tells you about that.

Tell them. Tell you about tearing your fanny. I think I prefer to have my fanny torn. And they don't tell you that you get piles even if you have a cesarean. That's really unfair. No, because she put for 20 pushups. Well, it was 20 hours. That's why.

You were so unlucky then would it put you off no of course I want to do it again yeah I know this is it so I gave it up to found the

Women's Equality Party the fastest growing political party in the country and still growing still growing

yeah still growing and well we'll see does that take up a lot of your time no unfortunately it doesn't the party's now two years old and it has to A'r cyfnod sydd ar gael? Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Iawn. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael.

Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael.

Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael.

Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. Y cyfnod sydd ar gael. No, it's really difficult. What I've understood, just to be serious for a brief moment, we don't have equality and we're probably unlikely to have equality for women for another 170 years, which is where we are at the moment. Why 170? That's what the World Economic Forum estimates how long it will take. That's so terrible. If we had it, it would actually be worth £70 billion to the British economy. It actually would be really worth it and better for everybody. Not just better for women, better for men.

What I've understood is that power is exactly related to the amount of money you have. How much can you leaflet? How much can you reach people through advertising? How much can you persuade, you know, through having lots of people on social media and so on? And we're poor. Like most women, by comparison to the bulk of men

we get paid on average 9.3% less so women are poorer so our party is poorer if we had more money I think we would get an elected official sooner but I promise you we will can't you get what's her name from JK Rowling involved

she do she's amazing I promise you we will. Can't you get, what's her name, from J.K. Rowling involved? I should do. Yeah, she's amazing. She's a huge... She's a huge... That was her hashtag recently. But she's such a... She's quite philanthropic, and she believes in the power of women.

But she's a very powerful part of the Labour Party. Is she still? The thing about it is that we are available to anybody, whether you are from whichever political party, because we're not party political. The point is we're trying to get some things sorted and once we've got them sorted then our job will be done it's not as we're not from the left we're not from the right we'd like everybody to work together and try and solve some of these problems you know there's some what was the report out today that a fifth of people in this country are living in poverty it was the

round tree foundation report out today a fifth it's not good country are living in poverty. It was the Roundtree Foundation report out today. A fifth. It's not good enough. It's not good enough. It's not good enough for our children. It's not good enough for the pensioners. I forget how many more hundred thousands of pensioners are living in poverty and the children who are living in poverty. And I would just love to see the parties not fighting,

but all working together. And that's part of what we're trying to do, is to get people to talk to each other. So it's not just about women's rights? It's about equality generally in all areas. Equality in all areas, in all aspects of life. Yeah. So I'll give you a really good example.

I had a friend of mine who I was with who wasn't feeling well, a woman. And I said, are you all right? And she was vomiting and she was shaking. And I said to her, I think you're having a heart attack. And she said, no, alright? And she was vomiting and she was shaking. And I said to her, I think you're having a heart attack. And she said, no, no, no, no. I don't have left arm pain and I don't have the tight band around my,

you know, all the stuff that you see advertised. Anyway, I said, because I'm bossy, we're going to the hospital. Went to the hospital. She was having a heart attack. How did you know? I don't know. I think I'd read something.

So women's symptoms for heart attacks are not the same. They're different. And it's not advertised. It's not advertised. So it's things like that that would literally save somebody's life. That's not advertised. So equality within medicine as well, for example, is one of our main things that we're looking to do.

But I think we can be the party that will affect change. And I don't care if the Labour Party or the Tory Party or any party ein pethau bwysig yr ydym yn ceisio eu gwneud. Ond dwi'n meddwl y gallwn fod yn y partïon sy'n effeithio ar newid ac dwi ddim yn bwysig os bydd y partïon Llywodraeth, neu'r partïon Torri neu unrhyw partïon yn gwneud yn dda i ni. Felly, fel y byddant yn gwneud eu bod yn digwydd, dwi'n iawn gyda hynny. Yn unig. A allwn ni hefyd siarad am adael yn y hanes? Ie, rydyn ni'n mynd i adael yn y hanes. Gallwch chi gyflwyno hynny? Yn unig, mae gennym rhywbeth i'w bwyso. Ie, ond yn gyntaf, gadewch i ni siarad am hyn. Adael yn y hanes, caelwch chi ei gyflwyno, Sandy. Mae hyn yn bwysig iawn. Yes, but first let's talk about this. Rewriting history, please introduce it, Sandy. This is so important.

So one of the things that I'm obsessed with is the fact that Wikipedia is rapidly becoming the go-to thing on the internet for kids doing their homework, people wanting to know anything about history and so on. So roughly 9% of the people who contribute to Wikipedia are female and 91% are male. And the proportions of material on Wikipedia is exactly the same. 91% of the content is about men and their fabulous activities and 9% is about women and women from history.

Why is that? Is it just because women don't contribute? I think, you know, you could have to generalise. Women don't contribute, yes, but women are literally being left out of history. That is what's happening because the content is so overwhelmingly male. So I'm obsessed with women's history. It's one of my great passions and I give talks. Is that what you did at university?

No, I read to be a human rights lawyer. Did you? Yeah. But I'm obsessed with women's history and I am writing a show, which I'm very much hoping that you'll come and do, where we will tour around the country

and it'll be funny and jolly and it'll say the bits of women's history that you don't know about and the bits that have been left out and the stuff around the world. And then I'm hoping to get every single member of the audience to commit to putting another woman into Wikipedia.

So my plan is to literally rewrite history. Do you want to eat something? Should we eat something? Yeah. This looks heaven. Jessica! Sorry, I just think it's... Jessica!

Sorry, I think you need to... Have you gone mad? You put bloody oil all over it. It's nice olive oil. Jessie, that's not even... You don't even know where the olive oil's from. It's not your olive oil. It looks lovely.

It looks lovely. Fuck off, Mum. It's just a bit of olive oil. Nobody gets angry about it. Jesus Christ. The fucking olive oil. Feels like I'm in the family now. Mum?

What? Should you go first or shall I? You can go first. No, you go first. I love her. I love her so much. Me too. She's a goddess.

She's just... The best. Just very easy company. Just so clever. Tells you all you need to know about everything. You put your Radio 4 voice on for her, you know that? Did I? You did.

It's because I've heard her on the news... My good friend Simon Hoggart. Oh, shut up. I've heard her on the news. My good friend Simon Hoggart. Oh, shut up. I've heard her on Radio 4. Oh, Radio 4. Shut up, Jessie. Because I love to listen to it. I thought it was my best meal.

It was good. All I'll say, it was delicious. Shit. It was delicious. Except for the oil you put on the... No, the olive oil was perfect. Yeah. All I'll say is I would have loved a little gravy.

Jessie, Lebanese people don't have gravy it was moist lamb, it was cooked for 40 minutes it was really good mum Jessie the cake let's talk about the cake it was gorgeous a success, a massive success

I asked her maybe you are a baker I asked her is this good a baker no I asked her is this good enough for bake off and she just looked at me and she said no

she went darling come on how could she have said that I feel like we could have spoken for hours and I feel like she teaches you something

and you learn and we're all going to enroll. I feel a bit embarrassed none of us are involved in the Women's Equality Party. We're all joining tonight. You know what, and if you're listening, instead of rating us five stars maybe you should go and just join the Women's Equality

Party and make a difference. She's inspiring that woman. Mum, I really feel like we're getting the hang of this podcast. Do you think? Yeah. And I think we've just gone so highbrow now that we've had Sandu. Keep it up, Jessie. We need to keep it up.

Yes, you know what Grandma used to say? What? If you bend down in the gutter, you pick up nothing. You need to keep high. Pishy. Jewish. Mother. Thank you.