Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - Extra Helpings ep. 2

Episode Date: September 9, 2020

We are serving you another episode of extra helpings before series 10 starts next week. This week we have BAFTA winner Aisling Bea and mum have a discussion about dogging, Jo Brand talks about her worst ever heckle and Scary Spice reveals she has fainting goats.We also have Kiefer Sutherland's excellent Hollywood anecdotes, Mel and Sue on sourdough starters and Florence Pugh keeps it clean with dildos and dog toys. Last but not least, we had to have John Bishop and veganism in there. Lap it up and we will see you next week with brand new Table Manners!!! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Table Manners. I'm Jessie Ware, still without my mum for the second instalment of Extra Helpings, some of our favourite bits from the last few series. We'll be back next week with series 10, but in the meantime here are a few more little tasty morsels to keep you going. First up is the very hysterical, intelligent, beautiful, excellent BAFTA award winning Aisling B who came round for a fish supper at the beginning of the year and trust mum to bring the conversation around to dogging and doggy style. She is so, so prudish, my mother. Sorry, my daughter's being a cat.

Hello, little cat. Oh my God, you train your child to bring things in in its mouth jessica oh what's this can i have that oh you're a doggie oh you were a doggy obvious it was a very i will say you're gonna have to work harder on your dog material i'm not gonna patronize her by saying that was a great performance because i read it wasn't great it would be very unique if she decided to stay like that. If she identifies as a dog when she gets older. What would that be called?

Well, there is... Have you ever seen this? Canine something or other. Canine or whatever. I don't know. Anyway. There is a channel for a documentary called The Secret Life of Human Pups

and it's very fascinating. Are they the children that were brought up by wolves or dogs? No, no, but that's also a great one. This one is about a group of people around the world who like to live their lives as pups, and they identify as puppies. And they dress up in quite sort of sexy, leathery clothes. Oh, it's like a sex thing.

Well, that's the question which sort of hangs over us for the whole documentary really i felt really sorry for like there's they go to the international like best human dog convention and there is this one guy who's representing britain and he's like he's like uh for his um and he's dressed up as a dog and he's his owner and there's a little bit of sexual tension between the owner and him and we kind of do wonder what goes on dogging and things well we don't know it's just a little bit of the unanswered question why is dogging called dogging actually because of the way dogs do it okay i don't think that's it i think i think it's so here's my thoughts we're definitely going to get emails in

to us three poor ladies sitting around going but what it's dogging let's blue sky think it I think dogging might be called dogging

because maybe a lot of people pretend to go out to walk their dogs oh that's it but actually go and watch people in cars having sex

now the people in the cars know people are watching them so are doing it for a performative reason you're kidding me yes and as a performer may I take my hat

off to any side specific theatre but then I also wonder is it that you're sitting there watching almost like a dog I wonder is that an element

that they're kind of looking like now what did you think mum dogs might watch but you know the way a dog was sitting watching you at the table eating

and you just sort of like tongue out, like watching? I thought it was them mounting them from behind. Oh, wow. No, that's doggy style. That is doing it doggy style. Oh, sorry. And that is something I would definitely say I know about. The other one, I will say I'm not so sure about the etymology of dogging.

Dear readers, please be free to phone in. Please don't. I'm so glad that my daughter walking in as a dog has turned into doggie style and dogging. And absolutely. I can't believe my... It was like an improv session, wasn't it? It was like the first day at a new drama school

and my daughter's being a cat and other people are talking about dogging anyway from one excellently funny comedian to another here is the brilliant joe brand on the worst heckle she has ever received as a comic especially if you do those combative kind of arenas like the comedy store late show which basically starts at 12 on a friday, it's full of blokes from the city who've been drinking since five o'clock. And they're real hecklers, right? Yeah, absolutely. So what are they going to say

when someone like me steps on stage? So you kind of have to be ready for them, really. And so I just kind of built my comedy around going... Do people heckle? I don't give a... Oh, my God, yes. So it's like Mrs Maisel. Have you watched Mrs Maisel?

Do you know, I haven't watched that, but I've heard it's brilliant. It's fabulous. It's wonderful. But people used to heckle her. She's supposed to be... People heckle the most appalling things you could imagine. Why? I want to hear.

All right. Well, what's the worst? One of the worst ones I've ever got. You won't ever be able to put this out. Why? Was a guy said to me got, you won't ever be able to put this out, but never mind, was a guy said to me, if you don't shut your mouth, I'm going to ram a table leg up your c**t.

Oh, my God. And what do you... Sorry, everyone. Why would everyone... What do you... Like, do you acknowledge them and make a joke of it? Oh, my God, yes. So would you say it would have to be a table leg

because your dick's clearly too small. Oh, there we go. Oh, there we go. joke of it. Oh my God, yes. So would you say, it would have to be a table leg because your dick's clearly too small. Oh, there we go. Oh, there we go. I love it. I would love to. That's what mum says to road rage drivers. I do. Why don't you?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm not a comedian. But I hate, I will have one-liners with road rage people. I hate it. I like about road rage. How did that work out for you when you said something to them, mum?

Drove alongside someone who was eating his food in Brixton. They were going at 10 miles an hour. He was having his jerk chicken and rice. And then we were driving along and I said, do we have to do 10 miles an hour when you have your dinner? He said, do you want some? And threw it in my face. No.

Yeah. From his car. It's such a good aim. It was right down the road. Let's shut you off. Well, we were driving that way once. I was with my husband and this guy leaned over and said, oh, can I have your signature?

And my husband said to him, we are driving, you know. And this guy went, I'm going to fucking pop you, man. And did like a gun sign at us. Yeah. Give him the signature. Weirdly, once I hit an old rover full of skinheads um at the traffic lights in brixton and then they chased me around streatham i know half an hour i was terrifying absolutely no it was it was no but you know the best thing to do if anyone chases you you

park outside a police station okay oh sorry because you're really thinking about where's the local i'm just telling you now for advice. Thank you, Mum, because you've been on so many... Because I'm abused. Do you abuse motorists? Why take people on? Well done. Why should they?

Men are so sexy. When you're the passenger, and you're the passenger, it's really painful. I know. And you're pregnant, I think, yeah. Please think about the baby. The wrath of Lenny Ware has certainly got her into trouble a few times.

We have been lucky enough to have two Spice Girls on Table Manners. The two Mels. Mel C was on recently and it was a joy to have her. She was our first guest back in the flesh post-lockdown. So check out Mel C if you fancy it. But also check out a previous episode of Mel B who came around for a Sunday roast in 2018.

She was really late, but we forgave her because she came in looking like Scary Spice, looking like a pop star and revealing that she has some rather unusual pets. Do you grow your fresh herbs? No. Why do you have a little organic garden out there? I don't know. You should. London, it fucking tastes like... It like down with rain and it's horrible. Yeah, but you can still get like a little cage thing for it.

Yeah, I could. You should. Do you have a herb garden? No, I should do. No, because I have a goat. I have a fainting goat and she'd eat everything. Why is it called a fainting goat? Does it faint a lot?

Mm-hmm. It's bred like that. So if it gets really excited or when you feed her, and I did this purely for that response because I look out into my garden and I laugh because if I go, Billy, she goes like this and then just keels over. And they're bred like that.

That poor fucking goat got scary spices its owner. Fuck yeah. How many times has it fainted? At least four or five times a day. A day? But it's the funniest thing you'll ever see no they're bred like that it's a certain breed of a goat and i tie dye her with vegan tie dye so she's got all the shackle colors all over her coat very funny but she's they're very highly

intelligent i mean they're seen as being quite a demonic animal to have, but they are the coolest breed to have in your back garden. Do you get goat milk from it? No. I love the idea of tie-dyed goats wandering around Mel B's garden. It's like she's still holding on to the 90s with both hands gripping on, in fact. Up next is a Hollywood icon and music star and another one of mum's many crushes that we have on the podcast. Kiefer Sutherland, who regaled us with some brilliant anecdotes. I want to know, where do you love to eat in Los Angeles?

There's a couple of places in Los Angeles that are really quite extraordinary. that are really quite extraordinary. There's an Italian, kind of cross-French and Italian, called Il Piccolino on Robertson's, one of the nicest restaurants. And then I've always enjoyed Mr. Chow's in Los Angeles. I've never been, but everyone talks about it. Have you been to the one here? I have, yeah.

Is it as good or different? No, the menus are the same. Just the one in Los angeles i i was roommates with robert downey jr when we were about 17 18 almost 19 so that would have been a powerful duo did you have lots of fun we did yeah we had a great time yeah and we both started working around the same time and he was dating sarah jessica parker so she lived with us as well yeah they lived together for a couple years and then Billy Zane was in the apartment next door did he have hair he did have hair and so we were all friends and we had a couple other friends and Robert and I

started to work first and so and I got very lucky I got very lucky with films like Stand By Me and Lost Boys and Young Guns Quite all within the first couple of years. And then Bobby went and did Saturday Night Live for a while. And then he got a couple of big films. And so we would take our friends, like what we thought success was, was being able to go to Mr. Chow's once a month and take our friends and have kind of what we considered to be a really posh night. And so I will always have those memories of that restaurant going all the way back then. So when I go there now, it just kind of makes me smile. What did you and Robert used to order? Oh, Robert.

Like beans. No, I know, but... Robert was awful. No, from there I would order they had a really wonderful wonton dumpling soup you'd order the squab with the lettuce and the plum sauce chicken joanna the most tender chicken dish

I've ever had you have to go there to experience but it's a chicken beaten within an inch of its life and then Singapore noodles or whatever noodle dish you would want It's a chicken beaten within an inch of its life. And then Singapore noodles or whatever noodle dish you would want. But Bobby, towards the end of us having these once-a-month dinners,

would come in and order the duck, which was the most expensive thing on the menu, and then leave before the bill got raised. So naughty. Was he numb by then? Oh, yeah it he did it to mess with me and it was always yeah but trust me he took care of the things he was a very very funny boy are you still challenged now i don't see him as much as uh i think either one of us are like i saw him a little while ago and we kind of hook up for lunch. I think one of the problems is everybody gets so separated because of where you're working. And I've been again on tour for so long.

But we do check in on each other. One of my favorite stories of his, we were doing a film in Savannah, Georgia, and he took a fire extinguisher. And I had gone to bed early, and I think he was upset with me for that. So he took this fire extinguisher. And I had gone to bed early, and I think he was upset with me for that. So he took this fire extinguisher, and he completely sprayed my hotel room door, and then put it behind him, let it off, and walked backwards all the way to the elevator, and then hurled the fire extinguisher down back towards my door,

so it looked like I had done it. So he basically just thought you were in trouble. Yeah, I walked into my door. So it looked like I had done it. So he basically just thought you were in trouble. Yeah, I walked into my door. He was just a prankster. Well, about a week later, I found a substance that would wear through metal.

And I put it on the hinges of his door. And about three days later, his front door fell through. So we were in a hotel that was an atrium. So all the doors were purple except for Bobby's, which was just black steel. So we had a lot of fun back then. Kind of a lot of practical jokes and teasing. And Kevin Bacon and I were doing a film called Flatliners together. It was the first time that we worked together. And it was a scene with he, myself, and Julia.

And there was an aquarium. And in the aquarium were these four goldfish and Kevin said I dare you. Nice. And I said what? And he said I dare you before this scene is finished see if you can swallow one of those goldfish and I said sure and so I caught it in the little net when they were kind of moving the cameras around. And it was just to make them laugh.

And I took the goldfish like this and I dropped it in. And what I wasn't expecting, when I swallowed, I realized why we have the mechanism of our Adam's apple. It crushed the goldfish. Oh, my God. It broke its back. And I could feel that. Oh, my God.

In my throat. Did you vomit it out? No, my throat. And I'm like this. No, no, no, I got it down. But Kevin, I think he had to, it was a dare. So he then had to do something. But if you watch the film, at the beginning of the scene, there are four fish swimming around. And at the end of the scene, there are three fish staring at me

and no other fish fish i'm sorry keith you you can't eat a fucking egg but you can eat a goldfish well and the goldfish was a one-off so yeah i'm not gonna do you'll do anything for a dare for a laugh yeah for a laugh it was so brilliant to hear those stories from keith you know you never know what you're gonna get when you get i mean that that's a hollywood star right there. And he really dished the dirt. And if he's dishing that dirt on a brunch with mum and I in Dalston, you know, he's got plenty more up his sleeve. It was a lovely, lovely brunch. I just wished he'd eaten a little bit more of the brisket. Here's a treat. We had the gorgeous duo Mel and Sue on during lockdown which really

lifted our spirits during lockdown it was we were feeling low I think it was like three weeks in and they were there Mel was in a wardrobe and Sue was trying to clear out her whole larder of um she was really doing well on the kind of non-shopping lockdown cooking and of course the topic of sourdough bread came up. Of course, everyone was starting their starters and we had to talk about it to the wonderful Mel and Sue. But I want to know, because Sue, have you got a sourdough starter about your person?

No, but do you know what I did have for ages? What? Paul gave me. I bet he's got a few sourdough starters. I imagine he has. He'd like to show them to you as well, Lenny. you as well Lenny I'd love to see his sourdough starter we've got his number we can get him round to give you a bit of a sourdough starter

yeah he gave me sourdough starter that was the mother 75 years old the mother so they'd just been taking bits off adding to it he'd got it when he was in Italy and gave me a bit and I kept it alive for about 6 months it was 75 years old the mother so they'd just been taking bits off adding to it adding to it he'd got it when he was in Italy and gave me a bit and I kept it alive for about six months and

made some incredible bread out of it and then the most sourdough is it's like having a dog you wouldn't ever leave a dog for two years it's a tamagotchi it's a tamagotchi I effed off for like I don't know I went on a mini break or something you can't mini break with sourdough so fuck that you've got to be on it you have to take it with you it died it died how does it die does it just desiccate yeah what's it look like when it dies uh well you just you put it in you basically take a bit off as if you're going to make the bread and the bread is like a brick so it has no aeration yeah and it's basically just gone back. There's no bubbles in it. It's just gone back to being like flour and water. It's sludgy. It does it.

I murdered it. I murdered a 75-year-old Italian starter. What was he called? Giuseppe. Giuseppe. Giuseppe, see. Giuseppe. I killed Giuseppe.

Oh, I've never tried a starter. I'm a bit scared of bread. Me too. Which is stupid. I'm scared of it. Me too. Mell tried a starter. I'm a bit scared of bread, actually, which is stupid. I'm scared of it. Me too. Melly loves pastry. I love bread.

Yeah. There's one recipe that Paul showed us, actually, which was really, really good, which only involves water, dry yeast and flour and a bit of oil. And it's brilliant. Oh, I could do that. It's really good, Jessie. It's really good.

I'll send it to you. Where did you grow up? Me? So, again, another thing that Perks and I share is that we both grew up in Surrey, in the Burbs. Surrey? I was on the outskirts of Leatherhead in a little nearer village called Fetchham

in a 1968 built cul-de-sac for the first 11 years of my life and very, very happy years they were actually. I'm slightly obsessed with Leatherhead. It seems to feature a lot. In fact, Sue and I have a band called Leatherhead and we need to start practising, mate. Oh, shush.

Should we know about this band? Can we hear you on Spotify? Not yet. There was only ever one gig, In fact, two gigs, Jessie. One in St Albans, in a place in St Albans, and the other at my brother's 40th birthday party. We've never played since. No, me too.

We've never played. He's 60. He's 60 now. Mate, half of Leatherhead played at your birthday. That's very true. Half of Leatherhead played at my 50th birthday. That is very true. Do you wear leather?

No. We need to talk about costumes, actually, Perk. I've got some ideas. We need to get Leatherhead off the ground. The older I get, the more naked I want to be. The more that my body resembles a sort of flesh landslide, the more I want to free up and just show it off. Yeah, man.

I might wear a bikini this year. I might just wear a bikini. I haven't worn one since I was about 15. I fancy a bikini. You think, fuck it. Oh bikini. I haven't worn one since I was about 15. I fancy a bikini. You think fucking... Yeah, show him. Oh God, that's the last thing I bloody want.

I'm going to go topless with a pair of leather chaps and I might wear a sort of Swedish, a sort of Swedish, you know, those sort of blonde plaited wigs.

Yes. Might do that. Like Mariah Carey. Yes, exactly. I want to get in the back garden when the weather gets warmer and just get all the scars out, the stretch marks, the rolls, the dimples. I want it all out.

I've decided. Get it out. I've turned a corner, lads. I've turned a corner. I say bring back Leatherhead. They could do a little acoustic number on the internet. I would pay money for that, especially if they really do wear those costumes.

Mel and Sue on Table Manners, an amazing, amazing episode. One advantage to lockdown was that we were able to speak to people on the other side of the world and record over Zoom. God bless Zoom. Here is actress Florence Pugh, who I had a huge crush on, and I definitely made that quite obvious with her. She was very pro with how she kind of dealt with that um with mum managing yet again to bring it down a notch or two but I'm fed up with cooking to be honest really because like usually we go out I would go out two or three nights a week at least she's a social butterfly yeah but but or at least even twice even once but I haven't been out for five weeks now probably longer because we didn't go out for probably two weeks before that so I'm getting fed

up with it's not I'm fed up with cooking but I'm fed up with my own food I'd like you are you living with anyone no I'm on my own oh no I'm going mad you know what you should do what my my friend told me that she did this one weekend and it really helped um pretend there's a bar in your house get a bar ready and play some background music and put some some background noise on and pretend you're at a bar oh i'll do that then she did it and she said i had a great time you can pretend you're on a date too mum yeah pretend that you meet a tall dark stranger well I have a blow up I've got the blow up pepper pig that's all

hey that's a nice joke I'll blow up pepper pig and have him sitting opposite maybe I'll order a blow up I bet Amazon

do blow up men mum probably like a sex toy yeah they do hey they'll be an essential item they are blow up men. Mum! Probably. What? Like a sex toys, yeah. Probably do. Hey, they'll be an essential item. They are.

They blow up. Did you hear me? I was watching John Oliver the other day and there was someone interviewing an Amazon worker and this Amazon worker was so upset that dildos were still an essential item. You're kidding. And he kept on just saying,

he was like, dildos, dildos are an essential item um hey people must be you know desperate needing a dildo needing a dildo but actually if you're on your own why would you need a oh no maybe these people are together because you need a dildo isn't that a strap-on no that's a strap-on oh sorry i'm. I'm getting mixed up now. That's all right. Mum, why do we always get to you discovering sex things? It's like we had Aisling B on. Aisling B and Mum had a big discussion about gogging. Gogging. So now, today on Table Manners, Florence Pugh and Mum will be talking about strap-ons.

Or dildos. Or dildos. It's Florence Pugh that brought it up, not me. Also, I have a very funny story um we just fostered a puppy about two weeks ago and after one week of having her we realized that it was never going to be a foster and we adopted her so uh the other evening she runs off somewhere in the garden and um we're calling her back and um we have hedges on either side of our of our neighbors and she's in amongst these hedges and she's digging for ages

and we're calling her, calling her, calling her. And then she comes back and she comes back with a massive, muddy dildo in her mouth. Good God. Wow. And we are so shocked. Are you sure it was a dildo, Florence? It was a dildo.

It was a full-on dildo. How do you know exactly? Because it was a long dildo and it was a dildo it was a full-on dildo how do you know exactly because it was a long dildo and it was very funny and whose dildo was it Florence well it was a dug dug deep into the ground I don't know who put it there but the funny thing was is that she was so proud and she was so excited by finding this dildo and we were simultaneously trying to get it off her whilst laughing she didn't understand. And, of course, to a puppy, that's like the best toy ever.

It was nice and squishy. Anyway, that was very funny. Is she allowed to keep the dildo as her little squishy toy? Well, no, we thought it would look a bit fucked up if people came round and she had a penis in her mouth. So we had to chuck it away. But my mum was very disappointed that we didn't keep it for her. And I said, Mum, if we have guests round and she whips out a penis people are going to think that it's mine and that's not a good look no we are chucking it away there wasn't a dead body in the grave as well

dead person buried with the dildo yeah killed by dildo death by dildo. Death by dildo. So who knew? Dildos make great dog toys. And last but not least, here is the delectable John Bishop, who joined us for a live show just before Christmas in 2018. He is a charming man. I love him so much. I feel like this is saving the best till last with mum's ultimate crushes.

This is the wonderful John Bishop in one of our Table Manners live shows. I'm sorry, my mum is going to kill me. Mum is being very polite and being charming. But you should have seen the email she sent when we were going through the menu. Oh, that's so mean, don't be mean. Firstly, she was like, I've got this great recipe, it's got anchovies and blood. I was like, Mum, he's a vegan.

She went, oh, pussy bishop! I wonder if... No, if you'd have put that on at the vet, that. I wonder if you didn't put that on at the vet that I've got no problem with that What did you think That's good, how much yeah Kumin. Yeah. And then we've got... Oh, shit.

Right, OK. We've got some fucking olives, because you know what? It's fucking hard. Vegan canapes are fucking hard. They are. When you like a bit of meat. They are.

I was going to mum... But listen, you can get a load of... I'm not one of these people who... People, whenever you mention that you're a vegan or something, people think you're some kind of ramming it down everyone's throat, which isn't the case. Like me, kids, we didn't bring the kids up vegetarian because it's a choice.

I've just made that choice. And I've found now that there's more and more and more things that you can have. And there's loads of plant-based products, there's loads of things like corn and stuff like that. Shut up, Mum. Oh, yeah. Yeah, you love it when I bring oat milk to your house, don't you?

You know, corn and stuff, you get your protein in, so there's loads of things you can have. You don't just eat olives every day. Me and my wife, look at that, we just go, have an olive. An olive and an... Yeah, other going, have an olive. An olive and an... Yeah, of course she had an olive.

Whole pussy bishop. I love that. I love it so much. Are you a good cook? Is he a good cook? No, that's shaking of a head. No, I'm not.

I keep on... It's one of the things that I want to achieve in my life. Not that it sounds staffed on it, achieve. You know, like climbing the mountains, achieving something. Learning how to cook is just being practical in it. But what I mean is I keep on thinking I'm going to go on a cooking course. But I also keep on thinking I'm going to learn Spanish and learn how to play the piano.

There's loads of things that I think I'm going to do. And I'm literally running out of time. But is it because your wife's a good cook that you kind of... Is your mum a good cook? Yeah, your mum's alright. You're like, crikey, these poor children. My dad and the mum can't cook.

I know, but we can buy food. Oh, you buy food. I want to know what they were eating. I think what it is, we're not really foodies. You know, you get some people who are passionate about food. And I like food, but it's never... I see it as fuel. I just see it as something I'd rather keep going.

But I'm changing. I'm changing. This has been a journey. So now I'm mad, mad keen. This is why I wanted to come on this. That's why I like things. I've reached a point in my life where I like Countryfile and cooking shows.

That's what's happened to me. It is middle-aged. I mean, I'm normally doing crack cocaine while I'm watching them. Countryfile's great on crack. You're laughing too much. Does that happen?

No, it's a pussy. John and I have been in touch since. He hasn't spoken to my mum since she called him Pussy Bishop, but we're still on really good terms. Thank you so much, John Bishop. And that was a really amazing audience too. It was really, really good fun.

We will be back next week with a brand new season. It's season 10. It's got some massive names on it. We're not letting you down. We're never going away. You poor thing. Thank you so much for listening. And I hope you've enjoyed these best of extra helpings,

little snippets for you. It's been so funny listening to them. Apologies if anybody saw me on Half Moon Lane with the windows down. It was a hot day and I was just checking the edit and laughing, cackling, shall I say, at my own voice, which is really quite embarrassing now that I think about it. But no, we love doing this and we can't wait to have more new guests for you so we can have another little extra helpings for you in a year or two um all right lots of love take care and we will see you

next week thank you for listening the music you've heard on table manners is by peter duffy and pete fraser table manners is produced by alice williams