Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S10 Ep 1: Michael McIntyre

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

It's season 10 and we bagged a podcast newbie! Mr Michael McIntyre - we knew we’d love you but now we are absolutely HOOKED! You have finally broken my fear of watching comedy, with this front row seat to your hilarity and three hours of laughing 'til we cried! From the moment Michael walked in (thermometer in hand), we did not stop laughing. We spoke about fridge habits, restaurant etiquette, egg-offs with his wife and his mum, excitable Rosé, trying to be cool for his children & food pronunciation! Michael taught us about olive oil on Pistachio ice cream.... Michael, we love you - please come back for Chocolate mousse soon and maybe some rosé? Michael McIntyre : Showman is out now on Netflix - go and give it a watch! X Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Table Mamas, season 10 and we have come back with an absolute bang. In fact we have a huge, huge comedian coming on. The biggest comedian in Britain. Takes the pressure off mum. Yeah, biggest comedian in Britain. And also I think really funny. Yeah, very funny. You know I'm a bit funny about comedy.

This guy is funny. Jessie, don't say it like that, you're surprised. No but I don't, you know what I feel about comedy? I feel like... What do you feel about comedy? I just kind of... Darling, we're comedy. Oh, please.

The pressure of going to watch some live comedy is stressful to me. But I have to say, Michael McIntyre makes it very, very easy to laugh. He's amazing. Everyone loves him. Everyone laughs. He's great.

Darling, why have you got a big frown looking like you need Botox? I'll tell you why. Because I'm late. I'm late and I haven't had Botox. Probably need it soon. Why are you late, darling? I'm late because my father decided to come and see...

Jessie, I don't think we want to discuss this on the phone. Well, no, it's just standard my dad. He came to see us, managed to get on three wrong trains, even though i said you can walk from new cross is fine anyway that's why i'm late and slightly frowning and actually very much enjoying this rose thank you very much i thought we weren't going to drink in september mum i never said that you did but i haven't drunk till last night last night and i had one drink and i saw you last week and you drunk last week too did we basically we're doing a terrible job of dry September.

I'm a bit fed up Jess. Why? I don't like this six business. Yeah. I know some people don't have more than five friends but I do. Anyway we are here. We're back for season 10 and we have Michael McIntyre

a podcast exclusive I believe talking to us about everything that you love us to talk to them about. His new Netflix show, I should think. The thing is... Is he touring? Because all the poor buggers, along with us, who have had to put our tour on hold, possibly is your tour going on hold, Jess?

I know there was a clash of dates with us and Michael McIntyre. Yeah, it was that 0-2, 10-night run that we just couldn't say yes to because he had them on hold. So, yes. But maybe it'll be Wembley soon, darling, because we had to cancel the other ones. Maybe. Maybe.

But we're so happy to be back. We want to hear from you more. We want to include you within this podcast more. Recipes, life hacks, places to eat eat we are just open to suggestions we want to hear from you we want to meet you we want to interact with you so the email is info at table manners podcast.com please write to us we would love to hear from you jesse last weekend was a birthday party yes so my daughter's favorite granddaughter was four and tell me about the new additions and their names okay so we stupidly um saw that my daughter really enjoyed

the stray cats in skopelos in greece where we went on holiday i mean to the point where she thought she was dr doodle at all and she was there going hey little puss puss can be oh yeah and they were like you know flea infested mangy cats and we thought maybe it'd be good for our daughter to kind of learn about responsibility and and also really good for allergies i hear so we were like should we get one never been really big fans of cats what do you mean no offense prince we've got a cat here because of you no yeah he's very sweet um but then thought about the pros of cats low maintenance themselves themselves no mice no mice exactly i live in a victorian go to the loo in other people's gardens exactly that's what i'm really banking

your favorite neighbor yeah so basically we didn't only get one we got two brother and sister we've called the the boy bob because he's got little socks that look like bob fossy like dancing shoes the sister i wanted to call barbara bet i kind of threw out these names whose cats are they well they're my daughters but does she know about bob fossy's fantastic she will because she's starting dance classes on saturday because i'm a pushy jewish mother, we went through lots of names. She wanted Susu, Lala. She wanted the name of her cousin, Olive.

She wanted the name of her other cousin, River's cat called Peter. So we were like, we're not getting anywhere. Then her nursery teacher. My favourite was when she suggested the name of her nursery teacher, Michelle, who does listen to this podcast. So I'm sorry, Michelle.

It's not Michelle, even though I really like that. I thought Bob and Michelle was beautiful. She's gone for fucking Pinkie Pie. I think it's quite funny. I mean, why Pinkie Pie? Why does it evoke images of a pink willy? A dog's willy? I don't think it does at all.

It makes me think of a lipstick. Exactly. Sorry. Anyway, so mum, there's a lot of really exciting cookbooks i've just i know i've had two last week so so i had sabrina is it gay nor gay or the fantastic persiana one of the best cookbooks ever and um her new book's called simply yeah and i've cooked spiced chicken from that but i've also do something um one of the rice dishes with green lentils and raisins but i've done it in my rice cooker lovely yeah and then i was going to do roasted parsnips but

you told me not to well i just kind of thought you have the raisins in there it's a bit carby I love backseat cooks and then I've attempted to replicate something that I tasted recently a tart tatin and I used the spiralizer to make thin sliced apples to see if it make any difference but I had a bit of a problem with me caramel that went like a Thornton's block of toffee so I had to then take that out and re-liquidize it. That's a bugger with getting out. Caramel anyway it should be okay let's hope. I'm really excited about this series we have got some phenomenal names yeah and we get to see people in the flesh sometimes. Some of them. I mean, we are still going to be doing some Zooms

because, let's face it... We can't get to the States. There's a lot of stars in Hollywood, baby. Anyway, so we are going to be Zooming sometimes. However, the majority will be in the flesh,

which has been such a joy to do. You know, having Mel C over in the garden, I mean, that's just... That was lovely anyway, wasn't it? It's going to be a great series. Jessica, have you got Birkenstock shoes on? Yeah.

I'm a bit worried that Michael McIntyre's going to make a sketch about Birkenstock shoes. I've got Birkenstocks as well. Oh yeah, so what are you talking about? I know, but I wouldn't wear those shoes. Michael McIntyre, coming up on Table Manners. Michael McIntyre has come through the door with his thermometer. What are you, Jess? What am I?

You've maintained 36.3. Oh, thank God. Am I still cool? Unbelievable. Lenny is probably, it's like unbelievable. Oh! You've shot up. Oh, it's you! A whole degree.

Oh, my God. Since I've arrived. You are very attractive, Michael. Oh, my God. By the time I leave, we might have to quarantine. I'll keep an eye on that, Lenny. You're at 36.3 and you were 35.5 when I arrived. Thank you.

Mum! He's hot stuff. He is hot stuff. I'm not hot stuff. I'm 36.6. Oh, I'm hot stuff. You're hot stuff. Well, Michael McIntyre, you're here.

You're fucking hilarious. And you're about to say why you love a Jew. Why I love a Jew? Yeah. Well, I live in North London, which is in a very Jewish area. Yeah. In Hampstead.

Yeah. And I'm moving. I've bought a house in an even more Jewish area. You're going gold as green. You're going to the suburb. I'm going to the suburb. I'm going to the suburb. The Muffletop!

The Muffletop! The Muffletop! That's all we want. I've made it. Michael, you've got kosher kingdom near. You've got greenspans. Your chopped liver and your salt brief. You've got a whole community. I've got a mezuzah.

You've got mezuzahs on the door. I didn't know what a mezuzah was until I bought my house from a Jewish man. And I thought it was... Because for listeners unfamiliar with a mezuzah, would you explain what a mezuzah is? It's got a parchment. It's got the scroll inside with a little blessing. It's like to protect the house.

It's like... It's put on a wonk, which always makes you think, did they mean to do it like that? No, it's got to go in a certain direction. I don't know. And if you do it in the wrong direction, it's wrong. It's a direction thing. It looks like it's been put on wrong.

Yeah, no, it's got to go like that. Right, so I thought it was just a feature on the door. I had no idea that it was a mezuzah. And the man who sold me the house showed up at the door a week later. And he said, I've come to get my mezuzah. But of course, I thought he was either drunk or having a stroke. Because I thought he was trying to say a recognised word that obviously began with N. But his face was just falling apart. And I was like,

what is it, Eric? And he said, I need to collect my mezuzah. And I was like, oh my God, something terrible's happening to this man. And then he started pulling at this thing on the door and I thought he'd gone mad. He took them away. Well, I didn't know. That's not very generous. I've never heard of the mezuzah. But anyway, incredibly excited to move in

in my new community. And this is good. good uh fantastic it's jewish new year next week you've got it right you've got to whatsapp me all the information so that i can keep up actually michael so i'm actually um i'm a bad jew but i'm i'm having a better i'm becoming a better one i'm having a bat mitzvah because i have a family of my own and my husband is a goy he he doesn't you know, we had a Jew-ish wedding but I've decided to have a bat mitzvah to basically pass down all

these things to my children. For your daughter? Well, for my daughter and my son. And to be able to do Hanukkah God forbid when mum pops it. Well, I did a Passover. For God's sake, my temper has only gone up a degree. God forbid when mum goes. Let's see the latest.

Just see if I'm going. No, you're still fine. You've slipped up a little bit. We'll keep an eye. Well, we'll get you a mezuzah, but I feel like that's going to be like, I don't know, would you give a mezuzah to a neighbour?

Is it like bringing in a baked bread? No, darling. But it's lucky. And I think it's bad form that he took them. Can I sneak a CCTV camera in it? Yeah, you could. Couldn't it be dual purpose? That could be dual purpose.

I mean, look, there's protecting a home and there's protecting a home. I mean, I feel like maybe if there's some kind of that alarm thing, you can get an app. Maybe we should go into business and develop mezuzahs that are also sort of cameras. Yeah, that's good. That you know you can talk to the people.

Maybe also with a thermometer for COVID as well. Oh, please, this will be over soon. This will be all in the mezuzah. This is amazing. This is going to be a mystical, magical... We'll go door to door. Dragon's Den. Sorry, I had a problem with that.

In the suburb, me and Lenny will hook up. We'll go door to door in the suburb. Selling... We're selling mezuzah... Try purpose. Try purpose mezuzahs. They're good for temperature. They're good for CCTV.

What's not to like? Another one of my favourite Jewish stories. There's a gentleman, and he'll like that I'm telling this story because he knows that I started to do it on stage a bit. And I think, oh, goodness, Anthony. I nearly forgot his name. Anthony. And he is local.

And he, like me, I mean, I don't want to make stereotypical assumptions of Jewish people, but there is a certain neurosis that certainly Jackie Mason would have played. Says the guy who brings in the thermometer. And that's what I'm saying. I share the neurosis. So myself and Anthony would go and watch our sons play football on the weekend in the park, an organised football thing. And all the other parents would leave. But me and Anthony would stay and would have camping chairs because we were so worried what would happen to our, you know, what would you, our bubblers? What would happen to our bed?

You can't leave. We would just sit and discuss. Who could leave their children here? It's crazy. Are you a competitive football dad? No, not competitive. Just worried. No, I... Just careful. it's crazy are you a competitive football dad no not competitive just worried no i i just careful

i discourage any kind of you know aggression on the pitch in case he would get injured i was worried about injury i'm worried about him and he was worried about his son so my son gets kicked in a game and i and i lose it and i run on and what i shouldn't have done because he's you know he's getting a bit older and i i'm over the him and I'm going you poor dad daddy's here daddy's here and he's looking like he hates me all his friends going oh my god your dad's so embarrassing and I'm like oh my god I'm gonna kiss it better and all this kind of stuff um and then you know he said to me afterwards don't you ever do that again don't even come to the games you're an embarrassment you're the most embarrassing dad in the world it was tough anyway. Anyway, it turns out that Anthony,

a little bit more embarrassing than I, the same thing happened to his kid, Daniel. He gets kicked. Anthony unzips his coat. Inside it, he's got all these medical supplies. Oh, how funny. And he's also got a spray. You know this?

I don't know if you've seen it in football. Oh, when the proper footballers, they spray it to take the pain away. Yes, they freeze the injury. So he starts running on the pitch, spray, but he's so keen to spray his child that he starts spraying it while he's running. So he's running and spraying, shouting, Daniel, Daniel. And it's spraying all the time.

And as he's running away, you can hear his voice changing. And he's going, oh, oh, oh. Because he's breathing in it, it's frozen his face. ac wrth gwrs, mae'n cael ei ffwrdd yn newid. Ac mae'n mynd... Oherwydd mae'n ffroes yn ei... Mae'n ffroes yn ei wyneb. Mae'n ffroes ei fwynydd ei hun. Felly mae'n dod o hyd yn y cyfnod o'r pwysig, gyda wyneb ffroes, yn y bwysig, yn mynd...

Ac fe ddechreuodd ei fod yn deimlo'n fwy fel anil. Felly mae'n sefyll yn y cyfnod o'r cyfnod o'r cyfnod, yn sgwrsio... Anil! Anil! Anil! Anil! Ac fe wnes i ddweud, in the middle of the pitch shouting, anal, anal, anal, anal. And I pointed out, you know, in hindsight, that maybe he was a slightly more embarrassing father than I am.

Anthony, yeah, shouting anal in the middle of the pitch. Is Anthony allowed to go to the games? Does Daniel mind? I know, I don't think they mind. No, because they're all, you know, they're very protective. He's been brought up in a Jewish family. Yeah. Michael. Hello. When did you know you were funny um that's a very odd question um did you used to make your family laugh when you were little

i like being funny in class in the classroom because that's kind of like an audience were you charming with it i can imagine i don't think so i wasn't that popular i don't even think i was that funny in the classroom but i like the concept of it whenever i said anything and everybody laughed i like that felt good i and i've always been quite in my own head i think funny you're thinking a lot and then i just really like um meeting people and and making them laugh and i don't. When you're being creative, you're very creative people, but there's nothing more exciting when you find a little seam of something.

I've started writing again another book. I don't know how you experienced lockdown, but my brain was melted. I had nothing. I didn't find anything funny because it wasn't funny. I was really scared. I was melted. I mean, I had nothing. Didn't function. I didn't find anything funny because it wasn't funny. I was really scared. I was confused.

My wife and I were losing our minds. I mean, she walked in one day and she said, I think I've lost it now. And I was like, what have you done? And she said, I opened the dishwasher. You know when you open the dishwasher and it's mid, in the middle, and you interrupt it? Yeah.

She said, I opened it and I apologised to the place. I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. And then put it back up and said, I'm losing my mind. So little things like that. Like I was forgetting words and I spent a lot of time going, what's that word that begins with a C? It begins with a G.

It's really obvious. What is it? You know, just losing my mind. I mean, I went to take the dog for a walk and i took because there's so much to remember i got the you know you know if you have dog lead you need the lead and the treats and the poo bags i forgot the dog i was halfway around there was no dog i could believe that no this is true this i was losing my mind but then i sort of re-engaged and um started writing and which was really really hard but then I sort of re-engaged and started writing, which was really, really hard. But then it sort of gets the juices flowing and then suddenly everything else, you start thinking a bit more naturally, a bit more flow to it.

So what's your new book about? Well, I wrote an autobiography and it sort of stopped in 2006. You're carrying on. So I'm just carrying on. Yeah, which I thought would be quite hard, but actually I love writing about the details of life and everyday stuff and remembering. It's really nice to remember stuff and take a moment to reflect and remember,

you know, when the kids were little and when my wife was pregnant and where we were living. How many children have you got? We have two boys. Two boys. You don't have any more? No. No.

No, that's, I don't think that's possible. You're quite young. Is that possible? I don't know. Why? I don't know. I don't know. Do you want to tell us? I think now with the age gap and the age of everything... Yeah.

No, I think that we definitely just have two. We've done that. That's why we went into dogs. That's why we moved into dogs. Yeah, I just got two kittens this week. And I think it was a bit of a hold off to maybe have it... Instead of having the third child. Jessica? Yeah. So you've got

two? I've got two kids and two kittens now. Right. More kids? Do you want more kids? I don't mind if you have more children. There's no pressure there. As long as I help you. What are you? Are you one of... Oh, I've got a strange set up. I've got a sister

and we both have the same parents but then I've got a strange set up. I've got a sister and we both have the same parents, but then I've got all sorts of half-brothers and sisters. So a big family? Well, not really, because they're half-brothers and sisters all over the place. We want to know who you're going to choose for your two more people at Christmas. Oh, because of the six? The six, yeah. I'm struggling to make it to six, to be honest.

That was one of the benefits of all this. Oh, because of the six? The six, yeah. I'm struggling to make it to six, to be honest. That was one of the benefits of all this. Oh, yeah. You'll just be able to have the four of you. Because we're really, really just like hanging out together. So, yeah. No, I don't think there's going to be any kind of big lottery over who gets to come round. It tends to be my mother-in-law.

So it tends to be five. It's always five. It's five. Yeah. Yeah. So we have a spare, if anyone wants to say. If it's groups of six. I'm pushed out.

Yeah, if you're pushed out, you're very welcome. Well, I want to know what you think about this, because I have no kitchen at the moment. We moved into a house. We've got like a makeshift kitchen. It's not big enough for a turkey. But Tessie, we can do it here and you know i know but there's you know in-laws and and as much they love you yeah but you know there's all of that so

my husband suggested having dinner christmas dinner in a pub have you ever done it no and how do you feel about that i think we did go to for a pub lunch once in the countryside was it good in the summer set did? No, it's a bit weird because you spend a lot of time looking. There's a thing that happens on Christmas Day itself where there's such a magic to the day because there's such a build-up.

It's Christmas, it's Christmas. And then finally when it comes, everything looks a bit different. If you see someone drive past on your road, you're like, oh my God, look at them. Yeah, there's a... On Christmas Day. Yeah, on Christmas Day.

Where are you right? Christmas Day in the morning. Exactly. If you see three ships go sailing by, you're like, oh my God, look at them. Yeah, there's some. On Christmas Day. On Christmas Day. Where are you right? On Christmas Day in the morning. Exactly. If you see three ships go sailing by, you're like, oh my God, there's three ships sailing by. On Christmas Day in the morning. Wow.

Even an aeroplane in the sky, you're like, oh my God, where are they going? St. Lucia? On Christmas Day? In the morning. But then when you're in a pub, you're so fascinated by everybody else sitting there.

You're like, oh my God, look at them having their time. So isn't that really fun? Yes. Well, it's a bit odd. People are watching. It's really depressing. So much overlapping of how they do it.

And then it gets a bit competitive. I do get a bit competitive with wanting to, our tables will be having a bit more fun. Like we were just on holiday. We managed to go on holiday. And we had this, we were having breakfast in the mornings outside of our our room and there were some people on the other side of the wall having their breakfast and they were having a lot of fun good big family they were

big i mean they were proper big family laughter we were always arguing on our side of the wall and it was it was bad enough we were arguing after five months of lockdown but it just rubbed it in that the neighbors were having such an amazing time. Were they English? They were English. They seemed quite local. They were using sort of local references. I think they were from the suburb. The suburb. They sounded a bit like Hunts the Garden suburb.

There's never been a TV show called The Suburb, has there? I think you should write a whole sitcom about the suburb. I don't know how the suburb would feel about that. And Mazuza. And Mazuza. Do you know what? I'd have to write for...

I'd have to apply for planning permission to write that. The Jewish Chronicle, you'd have to consult them, yeah. Yeah, I don't know. I want to get on with everybody. You're going to have to get a subscription to the Jewish Chronicle then. Oh, yes. Without a doubt. No, I've sorted all of this out.

How exciting! I'm very excited. But, you know, it's a building site. No, it's going excited but you know it's a building site no it's going to be months it's a building site i i took the on reflection an extraordinary decision to buy a house one month before a global pandemic of course nobody knew there was going to be a global pandemic but i've been umming and ahhing over buying over moving for so many years we've been looking at places and i suddenly you know know, there's a big sort of, I'm going to just do it.

I'm going to take the plunge. Let's just buy it. Let's do it. Let's do it and we'll do it up and we'll rip it up and we'll build our own home. And then of course, this nightmare has happened. But you know, today I thought there's a global pandemic and we only are six people. It's kind of, you still kind of think,

gosh, this is really shocking what's happening. It is shocking. It is shocking. And it's going to be a blur, you know, gosh, this is really shocking what's happening. It is shocking. It is shocking. And it's going to be a blur, you know, when it's over. And it will be over. When will it be over? I don't know. God, I wish I knew.

I have to say, though. Is it in the diary? I don't even feel it's going to be over. You did your Netflix special at the beginning of March, just before lockdown here. March the 6th. It was unbelievable. God. So this was a tour I'd been doing on and off for like two years around the world.

The Big World Tour it was called. And we didn't, I normally film it when I'm at the O2. And that was like in, I don't know, a year and a half ago. But we didn't. When you're usually at the O2, you're so huge, Michael. No, don't be silly. No, it's like. You are massive.

It's just ridiculous, isn't it so i normally record it there but then because you know it's different with netflix we have to sort all these things out you know it's a new world so um yeah i just i had i was in new york at the beginning of the year i did uh the radio city music hall which was just so exciting to be able to do something like that what's the name of the girls that performed the oh yes the rockets yeah they weren't on that night um yeah no i went to see them i didn't perform you've got the wrong end of the stick no i did i thought they were on before every performer oh no they were no i don't think so. So, you know, I just remember it like another world.

That was in February and then I came home, did a few warm-up gigs and then at the Palladium I recorded the Netflix special on March the 6th and it was just starting around then.

I did a joke about it. I introduced myself off stage because it was all the hand-washing was starting and I said, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands together and wash them for 30 seconds as we welcome Michael Magda. And you know, because you were just starting and then I referenced it a little bit. I actually came on and said this could be the last time we ever get together in a crowd. Fucking prophesize this shit. I know. It's your fault. I said it as a joke.

Your fault. My fault. Your fault. I should never have said that. You should never have said that. never have said that does it stay in the netflix special no we took i took all that out because you know i just who knows what's going to happen there is some more jokes in the netflix special which i'm hoping which i'm hoping is still funny but it's worried me slightly i have jokes about face masks but this was at a time when obviously no one in the world except people in asia were wearing face masks and it's a very silly story about me going for a massage in hong kong

and having to wear a face mask well no and you know when those they give you those massage underwear mistaking the massage underwear for a face mask and putting the underwear on my face and going in which was a very big joke for me but now it's like people are watching that joke thinking well of course of course you would have a face mask of course you would so it's like extracted all the humour out of it so apart from that very small bit I'd like to hopefully recommend the rest of the Netflix special which should be still funny was um what's the difference I mean I've seen I've seen you talk about American audiences but are you like you're quite popular in America no no no no just started to try to be um and how's that going well I mean I just did Radio City it was the first sort of thing it was

the second gig I did in America but these are just you know a small number of people who know who I am I've not I've done nothing in America yet. And I suppose I would like to, a little bit. I did the Montreal Comedy Festival last year, and I was flying to LA afterwards. And you go through customs there, at the American side, in Canada. And I had one of those

visas, the O1 visa or something. But I was travelling on a tourist visa, so they're very serious, very scary with the guns and he was like why do you have you got an old one visa and I was like yes

you know how you always get so nervous at customs because you're like they could probably they're terrifying yeah and you over laugh at everything

and British people lose their minds oh yes no we're fine and they talk too much and they're really they just and they're so slow as well

they slowly go through the passport and they're not terribly bright I don't think and they're mean and they look at you and they're mean and not bright yeah and they talk too much and they're really, they just, and they're so slow as well. They slowly go through the passport. So they're not terribly bright, I don't think. And they're not, and they're mean and they look at you like. They're mean and not bright.

Yeah, and they do that thing with the kids where they go, which ones? And they say the name and then the kids sort of aren't looking.

Just look at the man, look at the man, look at the man. And you try and make a joke and they don't laugh. No laughter. Toughest audience in the world. So this guy goes,

why are you travelling on an R1 visa when you've got an R1 in your passport but you're travelling on a tourist visa? And I said, yes, yes, I have a working, well, I can work in America, but no, I'm just, I'm going on holiday. And what do you do, sir? I said, I'm a comedian.

He went. Tell us a joke. He said, would I have heard of you? Which is a really odd thing to say. Would I have heard of you? I have the same when I say I'm a singer. Let me answer that question for you. Obviously you haven't.

I'm at passport control. You're holding my passport. You've got no idea who I am. So I'm not, I'm feeling at this point, maybe you don't know who I am. Anyway, then I said, I'm trying to break America. Now the problem with the phrase, I'm trying to break America,

is it means nothing to Americans. It's only British people who try to break America people who live in America don't break America he heard the words I want to break America he just literally went you want to break America sir and I was like yes I'm hoping to not this time but I'm going to come back and yeah I'll be breaking America and I was I'm going to you know I I'm gonna smash it and I was getting because all these hostile terms you know and and he just you know he thought I was um a terrorist basically I think so it's mad um I was forced to go on a little diet after one of the you know the machines where you put your passport in when it's not a person but you put your passport in and it opens you know the machine that the e-passports yes one of those machines was quite rude to me you're kidding what do you mean well i i go in the thing right and i stand you know you stand and you look in the thing you've

got to you know your face i have my glasses on which is very very boring time consuming because this thing comes off on the screen and it goes take your glasses off so you take your glasses off I've got no idea what the next thing's saying so that took a while you know

you put the thing in the thing and it kept not letting me in and then it came up and you know what it said only one person that's so cruel what do you mean so cruel

it was clearly a technological mistake because you took your glasses off and then put them back on so you know because i was too wide no you were not too no they were they were definitely measuring the distance and they thought there were two two people there were which brings me on to shall we have some dinner yeah okay i'll sit still but we actually haven't asked you anything about food. I told you you were going to be asked about food and, you know, food memory. I'm really happy to be here.

Good! You're such nice people. You're having a spatchcock chicken. It looks fantastic. It does look good. Oh, we have to say that the butcher, we go to Ginger Pig, and the butcher said to Mum, who have you got on? Because they give us... Oh, it's, oh, we have to say that the butcher, we go to Ginger Pig and the butcher said to mum, who have you got on?

Because they give us. Oh, it's so fun. I said, oh, Michael McIntyre. And he said, tell him Steve sends his love. And I said, do you know him? He said, no. Well, that's really appreciative, just to. You're a man of the people, aren't you?

You just kind of, do you feel like, does everyone feel like they can come up to you because you're so kind of likable and you talk about life? I like it when people do that. I like it when people just think they know me. I get a little bit bruised egotistically when they don't, especially when they're coming to the door and I have to sign for something.

And I tend to open it in a quite dramatic, we weren't expecting this, were you? He's like, sign here, please. You know, that takes a little bit of coming back from but no i love meeting with people and i just i love that i love it when um when people think they know me because they do know me because my all my comedy is just very much a reflection of what's going on in my life and my kids and whatever happening and my dog do your kids ever have an opinion on saying, Dad, you can't put that in?

Like, it's not fair. No, I don't really care about what I do, actually. I've been desperately trying to

make them think I'm remotely cool for years and I can't do that. I can't do it. I'm always playing catch up, actually.

We sat down years ago to watch TV on a Saturday night and I realised there was... This is slightly overdone oh well that's my fault no well it's no it's it's it's upside down like it's called a taglet it's called a rice cake but i've slightly burnt it oh sorry no i left it on too long because i

i've lost my confidence cooking oh forget it mum it, Mum. You were laughing too much. Why would you lose your confidence? That is a remarkable looking thing. It is, yeah. And also, it won't be on... You just don't have the crispy bit, which is the best bit about it. But it's fine. You just won't have that bit.

It's fine. So you've been trying to be cool to your children. Oh, yes. Trying to be cool. Yeah, we were watching Saturday Night Tele. And there seemed to be nothing we were all getting into we started to watch as a family

you know you get into that section of life where you know they're not going out they're not in their room we were all together but that's why I'm doing the bat mitzvah

so that my kids have to stay in on a Friday night right I'm like Friday night dinner kids you're not allowed out we've got to you know

rest that's important that's a great tradition and Friday night is always the best party best party sacred i love that so carry on so that's why i started doing my saturday night show the big show i thought well i'm gonna do that i'll you know they'll be proud of me and it's a family and i'm a family guy now and but then of course by the time it's made there they've gone past that and they don't want to watch tv on a saturday now they're

already was watching youtube and so now i'm thinking I've got to get on YouTube and Netflix. I mean, listen, why do you think I'm on Netflix? So that to try and impress my children who still don't care. I'm like, Dad's on Netflix, Dad's on Netflix. Are you ready for a glass of wine? Are you still kind of?

Well, it'll change me. Into what? I'll get very emotional. Geoffrey, do what I'm drinking. I'll get very emotional and quite quiet. Let's not have a drink. Will I have one at the end? I'm having a bite. Is that okay? Yeah. Do you want some? There's some green things there, if you want. That's very yummy.

What's it like? I need to get you some juice. It's really yummy. Do you cook at home? Or is your wife? No, I don't cook. I've not cooked yet. Can you cook? No. I'm really bad at cooking. So you didn't have a sourdough starter during lockdown?

Oh, and I did a bit of... I did all this... Everybody tried this stuff in lockdown. I tried to make... I made a cake. I did pizzas. I did make a cock-o... Van. Van. Riesling. Riesling. Riesling. That's what I'm going to do next week. We were just talking about that before.

It's just so yummy, that sauce. Is it just creamy, winey sauce? Yeah, and onions. It's creamy and winey and oniony. I was pretty proud of that, to be fair. So I got into it in lockdown. Yeah, I did all this stuff. We cut each other's hair and all that rubbish. So, okay okay you've tried to cocker riesling riesling in um growing up who was cooking in your house well the staff I'm joking

um yeah my mum my mum was my mum was a great cook I mean she was one of those I mean my mother not Jewish wants to be Jewish so much calls herself a herself a Jewish mother, but isn't one. Her father was Jewish. Jewish Hungarian. We knew. Yeah, he was a Hungarian Jew. And I went to Hungary to meet, years ago,

to meet some of my family out there and I was shocked to find out they were all Jewish. I mean, like, really Jewish Jewish. Big bearded Jew. Oh, like, couldn't believe it. The Moff really Jewish Jewish. Big bearded Jew. Oh, like the Moffat Jewish. I've never got on with people better.

You know why? Why? Didn't speak a word of English. It turns out if you are related to someone and they have a natural love for you. Yeah. But you can't communicate. What happens? All you have is love.

It's just love. it's just love it's just love the problem is when you speak the same language that's when the shit starts there's no conflict with someone going you want you oh yes i love you bye so that went really well but yes they will judge so she did a lot of that um all the cooking and you know i had my favorites unfortunately i don't want to be rude but there was i have a bad memory of this She did a lot of that, all the cooking. And you know, I had my favourites. I don't want to be rude, but I have a bad memory of this chicken pie. There was a chicken pie made at school. And I loved it. I don't know why I loved it, but I loved it at school.

And my mum was trying really hard to make me my chicken pie because I really liked it. Did you go to boarding school? No, I went to day school. In London? In London. I would have occasionally chicken pie. And I said, Mum, I really like the chicken pie you go to boarding school? No. I went to day school and in the day... In London? In London. I would have occasionally the chicken pie and I said, Mum, I really like the chicken pie

and it had flaky pastry. And I remember clearly... They made chicken pie for lunch? She made... Yes, it was good with flaky pastry. Fabulous. She made that...

What's the other pastry? The thick... Shortcrust. It was like a really thick... What, like a quiche? Yeah. Okay. Like that hard... Shortcrust. Thick, short, crusty... Short crust It was like a really thick What like a quiche? Yeah Okay Like that hard

Short crust Short crusty And the chicken And you wanted puff It was just horrible And she made it And she always would make it as a treat Because she thought it was my favourite

But actually It was my least favourite Oh Couldn't you have just said that Mum Surprise Oh darling I've made your chicken pie

And I'd be like God not that chicken pie. I'd kill for the one at school. But other than that, she was an amazing cook. Although we did have an egg-off once when my wife was my girlfriend and we went to visit my mum and my sister was there and I organised a little egg-making sort of master chef competition that my wife still brings up.

And this must have been 20 years ago because she was victorious. Everybody had to prepare scrambled eggs, blind tasted by the rest of the family. And your wife won. She won it. Why did you do this? Are you a big connoisseur of scrambled eggs? Just trying to inject a bit of fun in the day. Are her scrambled eggs really good? You have to do it slowly.

My wife is an incredible cook. I love her style of cooking. You know, it's amazing how unique cooking is to people. Even though a lot of people just are following recipes, but it's their cooking. It's like, people are so unique. It's happening. What?

I think I'm going to go for the rose. I thought you were going to make a joke. You looked at rosé. I thought you were going to make a joke. You looked at the spoon and I thought you were going to make a joke about the spoon. No, I did pick up the spoon. But it turns out that the spoon wasn't that funny. Do you like rosé? Well, I do like rosé. Yeah, me too.

I'll tell you what I like about rosé. I like... Well, of course I love the colour. Me too. I tend to like the bottle shape. Me too. I like the word. That's a funny one for rosé, though.

I like the word. I like it when it's nice and light like this. Yeah, me too i like the word for rose i like the word i like it when it's nice and light like this yeah me too and i like it when it dawns on us when it's sunny outside that we should not have red or white and we should have rose and it's and it's always suggested in a very excitable rose it's kind of yeah it's had a rebirth don't you think we have rosé? Yeah. Rosé? Yeah. It's lovely and sunny. Darling, have we got to be rosé? Yeah, I know. Whereas red wine is quite depressing.

Yeah. We have to have red or white. White's a bit more up. Because for me, red, I mean, sometimes I really feel like red. I really feel like red. Because I feel like red's a bit of, it's like a big hug. I'm not going to move much. I can open the red if you want.

What did you bring? No, I don't want a big hug. I'm not going to move much. I can open the red if you want. What did you bring? No, I don't want a big hug. What did you bring? I bought, I bought a red. I feel like that's what you bring as well. If you don't know somebody, maybe you're safe with a red. Yes, I think you're right. It is a bit safer to bring red.

It feels a bit classier. Thanks. Is it a bit classier? More gravitas. Thanks. Yes, it is a bit more gravitas. What, red? Well, I'll be honest.

I only really, I don't know much about wine. I just know one red that I know that I like. What is it? So I bought that one. Oh. It's the only one I know the name of. So I bought it. Chateau Neuf de Pape?

That's the only one I know. Oh, it's fabulous. So do you have Chateau Neuf de Pape on the old ride or do you not drink before a show? No, you won't drink. Many years ago, before I was successful in any way and i wasn't funny on stage i suddenly started having jack daniels and diet coke before a gig i would have

like a swig of it basically i reached a point at the end of the festival yeah well it would have been 17 18 years ago and i just was dying on every night getting no laughs at all and i sort of gave up and i thought and i always had to do the shows because they're every night and i just was dying on it every night getting no laughs at all and I sort of gave up and I thought and I always had to do these shows because they're every night and I just had a drink before I was normally having a drink after and I just downed this Jack Daniels and I just felt I just loosened right up and had a great show so then I went into a sort of then I felt like I always had to have one that's a danger if you do something and it has a knock-on effect you think well it must have been that I'll keep you know superstition are you quite superstitious

well it turned out that I was with regards to Jack Daniels so I had Jack Daniels before a gig for a couple of years before I managed to shake that but do you still drink Jack Daniels no not not at all I mean I've got I've drank strange drinks I've got go on tell us well I like a drink I like a drink and every time I mention it, people, like, lose respect for me. Go on, what? I don't know why. What? Every time I say it, I know you're going to do it.

Oh, she's in lemonade. Snowball. No, it's not that bad. Okay. And I don't know why it's bad, but people certainly have sophistication. Now, don't feel like I'm judging you if you don't now disrespect me

as if you're not sophisticated. I've got you in a complete web here. No, go on. It's fine. I do like, at the end of an evening, I will like, I can't say it. A Bailey's? It's not as bad as that.

It might be worse. I love Bailey's. What, Cointreau? I like a Limoncello. Do you like it? Some people love it. I think that's quite chic. It's quite sophisticated.

I think it's disgusting. It's just lemon and alcohol. I don't like it. No, I can't drink it. quite sophisticated. I think it's disgusting. It's just lemon and alcohol. But I don't like it. No, I can't drink it. Look, you see, that's the face I get. No, it tastes like disinfectant. But it's not cool. It's not cool.

I think that's quite mandatory. I think it makes you feel like a bit of a kind of mafioso. My friend Johnny pours this on his ice cream. Have you tried it on your ice cream? Have you had olive oil on a pistachio ice cream? No. Holy shit. It's like a whole new world.

Where did you know that? There's finding a vaccine and just below that is pistachio ice cream. Where did you find that? Seriously. How did you know that? How did you come across it? I would love to tell you that I was reaching for my pistachio ice cream accidentally knocked over the olive oil someone did it for you i was in this italian hotel

and i said i'll have a pistachio ice cream and she stood there with the olive oil i thought this bitch has lost her mind i was like what the hell are you doing, babe? Did you grab her wrist? We've moved on from the salad. Hey, sleepy. What, first day, is it? And she went, excuse me, is it okay would you like to try a little bit of olive oil on the pistachio ice cream? And I was like, okay, psycho. I think let's just go along with this and, you know, then report you. I think let's just go along with this and, you know, then report you. So she pours the olive oil on the pistachio ice cream and it is mind-blowing.

Oh, my goodness. This is great. I've never thought about it. It's mind-blowing. The texture of the oil and the pistachio. It's unbelievable. I leapt to my feet. And I would have hugged her if it wasn't for social distancing. Were you just in Italy then?

Yes. So this is a new revelation. A terrible thing happened. What? Are you supposed to be quarantined? The hotel gave us all the symptoms of COVID. But it was nothing to do... Why are you here?

But it wasn't the virus. It was the hotel. So obviously it was very hot. So we were very hot. The air conditioning gave us terribly sore throats. The swimming pool, this is true. Nothing I'm saying didn't happen. The swimming pool had too much chlorine in.

And my children came out in these terrible rushes. And the food was tasteless. And I said to my wife, we have to complain. And she said, darling, if we complain, we'll be quarantined for two weeks. Because loss of taste. They're all symptoms. But you think I'm making this up, but it's true. And I'm not going to name the hotel

because it's cruel on them. But the food was bizarrely tasteless. How could it be? I just know what this place was. Until this extraordinary moment. Was this in the hotel? With the olive oil on the pistachio ice cream. With the olive oil on the pistachio ice cream.

Which was it's one of, you know there are those moments that you will always remember and some of them are very harrowing. The death of Diana. I know. You always remember where you were. I will never forget. John Lennon. Hard Rock Cafe. John Lennon. I will never forget

when that pistachio bathed in local olive oil entered my palate. And? I masticated. Now, I'm going to have a sip of wine. And then it's all going to go downhill. This could go any way.

Would you like some dessert? Yes. See if I've done better than the rice. I still haven't had the sip. I might have it. I'm toying with it. While mum does the dessert, which is a tart to tan, you're going to get the puff pastry tonight.

A tart to tan. Now, can we talk about the words tart to tan and how to say it without... Sound like a dick. Yes. Oh, I think it looks magnificent. Look at the face. You're very judgmental of each other.

Bitch. We're published authors now, you know, cookbooks. So I have an issue with when people say ciabatta. Oh. Ciabatta. Ciabatta. Ciabatta. I'm more than happy to discuss this issue that you have. Now, you want them to say ciabatta.

I just want them to say ciabatta because we're from London. So basically, do you know what? I completely concur. I don't like it when people try to say things how they're supposed to be said. How they're supposed to be said. how they're supposed to be said. Yeah. We don't have that accent. We're not from there.

No. I think it's up to us to interpret any word how we see fit. So how do you say tzatziki? Do you say tatziki? That does upset me when they don't say it right, though. I don't think I would say tatziki. No, I'd say tzatziki. Yeah, but then...

Wow! We need to pause here and sit in tzatziki. There's no other word that goes tz, twice as well. You're going tzatziki. Tzatziki. So it's T-S. Tzatziki.

Because we're all about the S-T. Oh, you're right. T-S. We don't have any T-S words. You know what? I have to say, and you're going to learn this living in the Hamster Garden Suburbs,

there is such a thing in the Hamster Garden suburbs. There is such a thing in the Hebrew language that says, what's it called? Anyway, I'm fucking... So, you love words, don't you? There are some words that I will always struggle with. I always struggle a bit with croissant. So what do you say? Croissant. I've got to be honest.

Whenever I get to the point of saying croissant, I freak out a bit. And I think, God, I don't know if I can do this. I get actually quite nervous. Because for me, it's more of, it's just a noise. Croissant. Croissant. Because some people go croissant, don't they?

They go croissant. You might not want to. Croissant. I've also got an issue with February. Because... February. It's got an R in it. What is this R?

Is it supposed to be there? Is it occasional? February. Is it... Because people go February and completely ignore the fact that it's February. But then if you go February,

you sound like a bit of a weirdo. Yeah. So I just go Feb and then I just lose my mind. I just go Feb. Delish Feb. I just back out. I just go Feb.

Do you want some tzatziki in February? No, I'll have a croissant. Mum, this is really nice. Really good. And the cream. It's fantastic. With that. It's not got any cream.

What happened? Have the cream. I'm going to go for the cream. I have to say, if you like a bit of olive oil on your sasciak. It's not pouring cream. No, I know. I'll be here a while. Try cream on ice cream. I'm going to go for the cream. I have to say, if you like a bit of olive oil on your pistachio... It's not pouring cream. I'll be here a while. Try cream on ice cream. Cream on ice cream?

Yeah. It's honestly the best thing in the world. What's going on? No, it's cream. Cream. On ice cream. On ice cream. Have you tried cream on ice cream with ice?

I've just made that one up. Ice on ice cream cream. Have you had ice on cream ice ice? Yes. Now, I see what you're doing. Don't knock it until you try it, Michael. It's very delicious. It's just heaven.

It's heaven. But why would you get involved in enjoying an ice cream and then adding cream as well? Because cream is the best thing in the world. So you put cream on everything? No, I can't because I think I'm slightly lactose intolerant, but I love it so much. I can't have ice cream in cream after this conversation. Why?

Because I've got to be careful. No, you can't. Why? Well, I've got to make it. You filmed the Netflix. No, I'm making it. I've got this show. Can you say what it is?

I've got this show. Yes. It's called... The Wheel. I can't believe when I say that. What is that? It's a wonderfully fun show. It's a game show.

It's a quiz show. I don't know what it is. It's my, I've come up with this idea and we were going to make a pilot and I was going to do my big show and do the pilot for this idea because it was really fun. But now because of what's happened, I can't do my big show and it turns out that the format of this show that I've come up with is no one needs to be near each other um so we did a run what's it what's it on it's on BBC one and it's coming out in um fantastic November have you filmed it well no we just did a run

through yes we were doing run-throughs on zoom which was really weird yeah so yesterday was like a huge day because we were going to find out if it actually worked and it was really fun um so we're building this big i mean i can't really tell you exactly how it works is it like wheel of fortune no it's like it's a wheel i'll show you a picture and then people can't see it but you can see it but basically they're building it it's a wheel where celebrities sit on the end of it. And they spin around. And they answer questions. Sounds like it's a knockout. It's not.

It's quite... I'm not explaining it very well. Is it a quiz? It's a quiz. Okay. But it's going to be on BBC One. And you're presenting it? I'm presenting it.

It's called The Wheel. And it's going to be great fun. Fantastic. I hope so. It went really well yesterday. So I kind of always have this plan to lose weight. And you know, one year I did. I actually did it.

How did you do it? Well, interesting story. Oh God, sorry. Say tucking into the Haagen-Dazs. It was amazing timing. I went to that bloody clinic in Austria. I went to the mayor clinic. Why did you do that? How was it? Because I wanted to lose weight and I thought enough's enough. So I went off to that bloody clinic in Austria. I went to the mayor clinic. How was it?

Because I wanted to lose weight and I thought enough's enough. So I went off to the mayor clinic and... On your own? Well, it's really awful because I took my friend. He's called Paul Tonkinson. He's a comedian as well. He actually does a very good podcast about when he goes running

with his friend called Running Commentary. He's a very sweet man and he's a very good friend to me and one thing he absolutely is and i must be honest about this he is slim and he came with me to keep me company and he lost so much weight he nearly died and we also had a horrible moment and he won't want me saying this but they would give you... I don't know if I should say this at this moment while we're eating. No, go on.

It's a bit grim. What they do there... It's not colloidal. It's quite bad, but I'm just going to go for it. Colonic irrigation. There was some of that. Oh, God. Make you drink cement?

You drink these Epsom salts. Oh, yeah, I've done that. That make you... Vomit. Well, no. Clears you out. Yes, clears you out. So you drink the epsom salts first thing and then within like 20 minutes the whole of the clinic rushed to the laboratory and then we went on a hike on like day one and i said to paul i was like god those

epsom salts pretty intense right and he was like, nothing, that didn't work on me. He's a northern. Nothing happened, actually, mate. I was like, what are you talking about? I was like, everything, I'm hollow. You're looking at a hollow person. And he went, sorry, mate, I did everything he said, but it had no reaction.

Anyway, we were walking along, and I kept talking, talking, talking to him. And I turned around, he wasn't there, he wasn't walking next to me anymore. What, he'd disintegrated? He'd disappeared. No, he hadn't lost so much weight. He was shitting in a bush, wasn't he? And then I just heard from the woods, he just kept shouting,

Stay back! Stay back! And I was like, Paul? Stay back! Poor man. Paul? Paul, are you there? Are you okay? Don't! Don't! Don't you there? Are you okay? Don't! Don't! Don't you!

Don't you come! Don't come! Don't! Go back! And I just had to go back to the hotel. And I say hotel. I mean, it's a clinic. But yes, no, he did the shit in the woods.

Poor bloke. I know. And he nearly died. And then I had enough. I lost a stone. And we're only there six days we're supposed to be there a week and I thought I can't do this

and I was so emotional and depressed and confused and Paul was about you know he was about you know like three stone he was like skeletal he was Christian Bale in The Machinist and I went round to his room

and I said Paul I booked us a Ryanair flight we're gonna get out of here I can't do this anymore and he like dropped to his knees and burst into tears he was so great he was so great he was like fuck you mate fuck you we're going to get out of here. I can't do this anymore. He like dropped to his knees and burst into tears. Oh no. He was so great.

He was so great. He was like, fuck you mate, fuck you. Because he was trying to be loyal. He was just wanting to look after me. He's the nicest guy. He's so nice.

Oh my God. You need to tell us what your last supper, best meal would be. Start a pud, start a main pud and drink. I've always had an issue with the last supper question. It's a bit depressing. I know.

There's quite a lot going through my mind right now. I'm going to die. Just don't think about dying. Okay. How can I not? Right, you're going to the Mayo Clinic for six months. Oh, and it's my last meal before I go. Before you go.

That's a good one to do, yeah. Which may result in death anyway, but I understand what you've done. Ooh, this is a very good question. I mean, I've always gone, played safe with what I think is my favourite meal because I do struggle to enjoy anything better. And you might not.

This is a very straightforward answer. But I might change it. Okay. But I do love a home-cooked spaghetti bolognese. Oh, spag bol, you can't beat it. It's just something quite magical about it. Yeah, I agree. With the parmesan and the big mince and the onions.

It just works. Even though Italians aren't interested in it. No. And every time I've ordered it in a hotel, it's horrible. If you order it, it's all watery. But at home cooked, spag bol. Yeah. Oh, this does taste very yummy.

Who makes it then? Your wife? Yeah. And my mum made it. And now my wife has taken over the reins of the Spag Bowl. She's passed the pasta. But what does she do that's special about hers? I don't know. I don't know if it's a secret ingredient. It's just really yummy.

The longer it sits, I mean, second day, dare I say. Second day. Second day is probably better than the first day. Does she put wine in? I think there might be a little bit of wine. I mean, I'd have it with a nice red wine. Yeah. does she put wine in i think there might be a little bit of wine i mean i'd have it with a nice red wine yeah does she put milk in hers i don't know what she's doing i'm just what's it silly does puts milk in here really yeah two sugars i think he's mixing up his dishes here can i get suspended one is please milk and sugar yes thank you Can I get some spaghetti bolognese, please?

Milk and sugar? Yes, thank you. So you'd have that. Okay, so that's your main... Well, there are other things. I mean, I do... I do like... I think anybody's done spaghetti bolognese, you know. And I really like that.

It feels a bit go-to. Most people do spaghetti vongole to show off. I wouldn't go with vongole. I can't be faffing. I don't want to... I don't like eating anything that involves more work. I know. I don't want to be opening... The clams, yeah. Finding things in clams. I don't want to i don't know anything that involves more work i know i don't want to be

open finding things in cans i don't want to be opening pistachios i don't want to be getting the muscles and i can't get this one open and my fingernails are gone all funny i don't want any work yeah you order a lobster and they use it's like you're gonna come so that surgery's about to happen there's all these tools show up it's like you sort the food out and I'll pop it in my mouth. It's not like they come over and go, would you like it off the bone? Why the fuck

would I want it on the bone? It's like, what the hell? What do you think I am here? Yes, I'd like to risk my life as well as not enjoy parts of this meal.

No, you prepare the food. Or the thing that always annoys me is when they go, black pepper. Do you remember they come over with the thing?

Would you like black pepper? I don't know. Am I the fucking chef? Why don't you ask the chef if it needs black pepper and then i order the food you cook it if it did why leave out one ingredient and see if i know that it needs it i've never tasted it yet back off with your stupid big pepper i know i hate big peppers quite like aggressively phallic and then they yes it's like a big show-off thing with the big pepper it It's stupid. Do you always say yes, though?

Parmesan cheese. And they sprinkle it on the top and then leave. Why? If I want only the first bites, get the parmesan. I know. Why should I have first bites? I agree. I want a whole bowl.

Just leave me the bloody bowl. It needs parmesan. I know. I agree with you. Yeah, I totally agree. I said absolutely yes. Also, if you have any pasta with fish, they won't give you any parmesan. You say to them, I really with you. Yeah, I totally agree. I stand absolutely for this. Also, if you have any pasta with fish, they won't give you any parmesan.

You say to them, I'd really like that. I'd really like some parmesan. They go, no. Or everybody else hasn't had the pasta with the fish and he goes around the whole table doing all the things. Yeah, and doesn't offer you.

And then he gets to you and he just leaves. You know, what the fuck? Yeah, I know. I agree. Do you ever take a cheeky little chunk of parmesan from the fridge of course only when it's fresh oh no i don't like it when it's gone tell me about your fridge um work when you're alone and hungry and maybe you've had a drink and it's just you in the fridge how low

have you been how long have you gone gone? Cheese. Is it basically cheese? Wait, not straight in the mouth, not teeth marks in the cheddar. Anything. Any cheese I would eat. But you'd cut a slice off? No. Oh, yes, I do. What do you have when you go into the fridge, right? Well, I mean, I'm going to be honest, anything.

Everything's a suspect. I mean, I'll consider any option, cooked or uncooked. I have to say, I do work the mayo pretty hard, especially a squirt of all that. You're kidding. I'll work the mayo. No, no, I'm on, not like to open. Okay, yeah, right.

Guys, squirt on a bit of ham or something. Okay. But it's good, or an egg, a hard-boiled egg or something. You know, I'll work a bit of mayo. But no, I suppose the thing I'm most ashamed of over the years, because I'm not a cook, and when I'm just hungry and maybe if I've had a little red wine or if I've...

Normally when I've done a show and I maybe had a drink there and I get back and I'm just a bit peckish or I'm feeling good about this show and I think I will reward myself but there's nothing to eat there is something that I've done over the years and I feel bad about it, it's pretty grim it's pretty grim I'll go sweet corn

I'll go, I'll leave it in the tin I'll drain the water but not even all of it necessarily and I might add a bit of mayo ketchup to the tin and I'll just eat out of mayo ketchup to the tin. Corn and mayo ketchup. And I'll just eat out of the tin the sweet corn. Cold. So it's kind of

sweet corn Mary Rose. That's exactly what we're talking about. Yeah. Ketchup with tomato sauce. Now that you put it that way it actually is quite appetising. Sweet corn, it sounds quite good. Sweet corn Mary Rose. I, we, we. And my wife's found that sometimes in the morning and just looked at me like what am I doing with this bloke?

Yeah. What am I doing with this man? Okay, so what's pudding? Do you need some more water? Pudding. I'm struggling with the pudding. Oh, God. Maybe it's the pistachio with the olive oil.

Pistachio with olive oil. Do you know what? When I was eating it, I did think this is one of the best things I've ever had. Yeah. It really depends on the quality of the pistachio. And the olive oil. And the olive oil.

Don't want to tell aftertaste. And the bowl. And the waitress. Was it a glass bowl? Was it a glass bowl? The waitress. She has to have one of those deep olive tannins. Yeah.

Those only Italians can get tan. Yeah. That like, are you kidding, tan? Yeah. Then I think that I would probably go for that, but that's a very new thing. But in general, I don't really get very excited about puddings. I just don't. I don't really like cakes.

My family are obsessed. Oh, no. Do you know what this is? You know, it's fascinating for me that you've asked these questions cakes my family are oh no do you know what this is you know it's fascinating for me that you've asked these questions and my answers are so childish these are things i've clung on to my whole life but i absolutely love chocolate mousse i just love chocolate and i don't think i've had it for years but i used to look at my look at chocolate mousse in a big bowl and think i used to say i, I don't know if I would ever stop.

If somebody gave me a vat of chocolate mousse, I don't think I could stop. Because it's light and yummy. And I don't think I'd ever stop. Until I just like exploded. It is really good. And it was coming out of my eyes. And with cream, that's also really good.

What's your um karaoke song wow so many so many oh really you sing i love karaoke i mean i'm the only one in my family who likes i bought a two thousand pound karaoke machine and no one will do it with me can we borrow it for jesse's bat mitzvah i would love you can absolutely have it i mean i know i've got it in storage i went to storage today because i've had to put all this furniture in storage and um i saw it and i just looked at it longingly but my wife will never let me put it up is it really is it big is that why i bought the wrong one i didn't realize i i said it like i'd invested in this money i didn't realize i did it wrong i did that one even the guy who bought it round, he was like, you know this is for pubs.

Yeah. So it's like a real system. No, no, the speakers are this big. There's two of them. Because you love it so much. And it's a big stack. But yeah, you can't get it wrong. If you get the wrong key, I mean,

you know how to sing very well. Oh. But singing is, for most people, if you get the wrong song, it's just a disaster, isn't it? I don't know why I'm looking at you. How's your singing? It's okay.

Yeah. So I suppose, every time I listen to... Why can't I think? Are you rock and roll or heavy metal? Well, I do. There is a song I always think I've seen. So there's a... I always think I've seen. So there's a...

I always think Bruce Springsteen's Dancing in the Dark would be pretty handy. Yeah, that'd be great. And that's low. Yeah, I... He's dancing in the dark. So that's quite good. You're fine.

You're safe. Check my look in the mirror. Yeah. Yeah, like that. I think I'd be good at that. Yeah, I think so too. I did karaoke a long time ago and I sung a very weird song,

but I nailed it. Abracadabra by the Steve Miller band oh Abracadabra I heat up like a burning flame burning flame full of desire really enjoyed that

love that what a great voice well if it's the right song I know and then I did but I won't remember it I had a great one

because we hire these karaoke's we make these karaoke, we have these parties to celebrate the end of the show. And then, have you heard of this gospel-oke thing where they come and sing it with you? There's like a gospel choir and they sing the songs. Oh my God, so it's like Sister Act 2? Yes.

Oh, wow. It's called gospel-oke. They're really good. Oh, I know that. That is at your back meter. I hire them for parties. So it means you don't get a chance. Wow, you really like karaoke

gospel oaky this is amazing gospel oaky instead of having the machine and some cheesy guy you've got like five gospel singers

which is so much better and they sing with you oh my god so you feel like the child in Romeo and Juliet Basil Herman's Romeo and Juliet

brother and sister. So you can have that. Everybody's free. Otherwise, you're bloody Lauryn Hill. I think I sung. Winner, winner. Like a soul. I think I sung like a.

Your love. That one. Is lifting me higher. Jackie Wilson. Than I've ever been lifted before. And then you have the. You'll keep it up. Oh, wow.

Yeah. Fabulous. Your parties sound fun. Yes, but not the year before because I chose the wrong song. Oh, wow. Yeah. Fabulous. Your parties sound fun. Yes, but not the year before because I chose the wrong song and it ruined it all. What was the wrong song? Oh, God. It was an 80s song. Oh.

And it was just, it was a last minute swerve. And it ruined everything because I couldn't get the key and it was very embarrassing. But yes, what's your karaoke then? I mean, your own. I don't like it. You don't like singing. But I do like the idea of gospel okay. I just kind of...

You've got a great voice. Yeah, you have. I've got a gorgeous voice. If it's the right song. No, you've just given us four different songs and they're all brilliant. No. At school?

No. No? No, I wasn't. You could be. A choir boy? Yeah, but you kind of look a bit choir boyish. What do you mean? I feel strong.

That little angelic face. You don't think it's too late? No. It is a bit late. I think I've missed that. Missed the boat. So, okay. We came.

We managed to have you over for dinner because we are celebrating. Oh, hold on. The phone once was up. Am I okay 36 9 oh I've gone down 36 dead no not dead fuck

fuck no that means 36 on the nose on the nose not you're dead let me see what what's your 36 dead I didn't pronounce you dead let me see what what's your 36 dead I didn't pronounce you dead

no what are you what's wrong with you I don't you'll have to tell me what is it 36.8 36.8

I've gone up yeah you have Michael you are hysterical you are brilliant and you have your Netflix show that is out

it's out on Tuesday it's the 15th it was probably already out so it's just come out it's just come out you can watch it now because I've seen the weather forecast and it's out on tuesday it's the 15th it was probably already out so it's just come out it's just come out you can watch it now because i've seen the weather forecast and it's like a bloody heat wave so no one's gonna watch anything outside in the garden yeah so when you want to come in the garden watch the netflix special it's called showman or showman how would you say it showman showman because some people go showman showman what do you say i don Showman. Showman. Showman. Because some people go showman.

Showman. What do you say? I don't know. Did you choose the title? Yes. So you must have an opinion. My opinion is this. What?

I think I change sometimes between showman and showman. Showman. Showman. Would you say it's the greatest showman? Or the greatest showman? Well, I'm familiar with the word man. And I normally say it like man. So why has it suddenly become mun?

Showman. The greatest showman. I think it's showman, and it's on Netflix. And in order to watch it, I don't know how you find it. Type my name in? Because you know everyone's Netflix is individual to them. Yeah. So if you've never watched any other comedy, it probably won't come up.

Well, you just, yeah, put showman in. Showman. Yeah. So if you've never watched any other comedy, it probably won't come up. Well, you just, yeah, put showman in. Showman. Yeah. Put showman in. Anyway, I hope you enjoy it. And it's been a pleasure being here. I've had great fun. Oh, good. I'm a little bit drunk now.

But you're so fun. You're so nice. You've got a hilarious relationship with the pair of you. Well, thank you. You know, really. I really like both of you a lot this is great if my new

Jewish neighbours are half as entertaining as you guys they probably I will be putting that house on the market I'm not going to lie, I've never laughed that much ever.

How's your pelvic floor? I nearly wet myself and I nearly like, I don't want to say it, like I was laughing so much I was worried I was going to wet myself or fart because I was laughing so much. Jessie, don't say that. We don't. I was laughing so much I was worried I was going to wet myself or fart because I was laughing so much. Jessie, don't say that. We don't. I was laughing so much, Mum. He was hysterical. But I love, usually, like, he's big time.

But he's also, he's so observant and remembers things and that's what makes him a great comedian. Am I burnt the tadlich? Mum, it's delish. I'm exhausted from laughing so much. I am too. It was brilliant. There you go. That's season 10 started with a bang. Thanks for listening

and see you next week. Thank you for listening. The music you've heard on Table Manners is by Peter Duffy and Pete Fraser. Table Manners is produced by Alice Williams.