Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S12 Ep 11: Christmas Cracker - Listener Special with Joe Lycett and Nick Grimshaw

Episode Date: December 22, 2021

We decided to do something a bit different for Christmas this year; we wanted to feature you beautiful lot on Table Manners and hear all about your Christmas traditions, recipes & highlights. With the help of our pals Joe & Nick, we exchange holiday hacks and stories. Thank you to everyone who contributed. Maybe this is our New Years resolution! Grab a mince pie and tune in! Xx Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Table Manners for our very special Christmas episode. We are going to try and bring as much Christmas cheer as possible, but I know it's been quite a hefty couple of weeks. Mum? Yes, darling, I'm right here. Oh, what are you looking at? I was just looking at something to play for you, darling, to make you feel happy. What are you going to play me? Well, I'm just for to play for you darling to make you feel happy what are you gonna play well i'm just going to play wow mum you're getting really pro you know you're bringing content to the

table for it's killing me It's Feliz because that is a Feliz I know, I know, but you're not Spanish And so you sound like you've got a lisp Okay Feliz They had it on in the nail bar yesterday What a myth you've met

No, they had it on the nail bar where I got Rudolph Red on my nails, darling I got decadence. Not that it's going to be particularly decadent this year. No, we're not having any decadence. Thank you for that beautiful intro. Yes, it is nearly Christmas. So just to help you get through the next lockdown, the next Christmas. Darling, do you think I have bought everyone Twister to play with your in-laws?

Do you think that we'll be breaching COVID rules? Ask Sean Bailey, Mum. I don't know. Oh, I'll ask Sean Bailey whether they play Twister. So for this episode, we have returning guests. Still only people that have been only able to do it on Zoom, which is really sad. But they're absolute Christmas crackers.

We've got Grimmie, Nick Grimshawshaw and we have Joe Lycett. That's going to cheer us both up and should cheer everybody up. It feels like you know we started the Zoom podcasts with Grimmy and hopefully this will be the end of them with Grimmy so it's actually us kind of tempting fate that maybe we will break the Covid Zoom cycle by having Grimmy back on. So Grimmy's coming on. And then also we have Joe Lycett, who we also spoke to in lockdown, but has loads of stuff going on on the telly.

So we'll chat to him. And we also are including a lot of you. We had an overwhelming number of listeners that sent in messages, voice notes, emails. You are brilliant and we love you. We gave you 12 hours to come up with Christmas traditions, recipes, stories, and we were overwhelmed by the amount of messages and voice notes you sent. Thank you so much. You are amazing. And we will be featuring some of them in the episode. And so before Jo and Nick come on to wish you all a merry christmas

let's play one of the voice notes hi jesse and lenny merry christmas my name is alice um massive fan of your podcast me and my mom listen to it weekly and we live quite far away from each other so it's how we bond but we have been talking about Christmas this year massively it's the first time we would have all been together um in three years so everything is revolving around food one of our favorite Christmas traditions is having champagne in the morning with crostades so these are these little um they're called rams crost and they are like a swedish pastry cup and we fill that with like egg and bacon scrambled egg and bacon and then like a prawn cocktail smoked salmon and cream cheese and um we always have them as like a little breakfast nibble with

champagne before we go on to heavier things in the afternoon like wine and cocktails and beef wellington so yeah just a little christmas treat you should definitely try them they are delicious and we always end up filling up on them before we get to the main course merry christmas thank you bye oh alice i like your style also i love the idea that lenny has united mother and daughter through the beauty of table manners. And our wonderful relationship, darling. They now have a communicative, restorative relationship.

I'm making out that they weren't speaking before, but I love this. I've got an Ocado order coming on Sunday. I'm just going to see if I can get them. Hold on, cross-stards. Yeah. Hold on. I think I could make some, darling, if you need to. Oh, piss off, Mum. You're not a pastry. Obviously. I can tell you now, Ocado don't stock them, but-stards. Yeah. Hold on. I think I could make some, darling, if you need to. Oh, piss off, Mum.

You're not a pastry chef. Obviously. I can tell you now, Ocado don't stock them, but waitrose do. So I'm a bit sad that that union is no longer. Darling, I'll get some. I'm going to do that. So she said she did it with prawn cocktail. Egg and bacon.

Egg and bacon, lovely. Oh, I really like the idea of this. Yeah. So what we usually start our day with is we usually get bagels I may get some bagels from either what's it, I'm either going to get them from Rinkoff's or Panzer's

Rinkoff's or Panzer's, get some bagels so I may get bagels have you got a new freezer in your kitchen? mum I have, when I say I'm going to get my kitchen in like two days I've got this order which, I could cook for the whole street this year with my order. How big's your fridge, darling? It's massive.

Is it an American fridge? It's obnoxious, yeah. And when you open the door, you can see the whole things in your freezer? Yeah, I mean, it's a sight to behold. Are you going to be organised, darling? No. But anyway, you'll be lucky because it'll be the first week that I have my kitchen, so it'll be really organised. And I've got stainless steel tops because I think that I'm Nigella in the 90s.

Anyway, so I love the idea of croustards. That sounds gorgeous. What we usually do is smoked salmon on bread with lots of pepper and lemon. And blinnies. I've ordered blinnies, but they are a bit of a faff. No, they're not. You just put a bit of creme fraiche with horser but they are a bit of a fat no they're not you just put a bit of creme fraiche with horseradish and a bit of smoked salmon on top okay fine but what about breakfast darling i don't know just scrambled eggs don't we do really nice scrambled eggs

fancy champagne first thing in the morning though it's never too early is it right next up we have an email from rachel and it says hello jesse and lenny another wonderful year of table manners thank you for keeping me sane so my family's weird christmas tradition may not be that odd to some but my friends always say it's weird so on boxing day every year we have what we call the rerun not just the christmas day leftovers oh no we're talking another full Christmas dinner I like them love it my mum stands by the fact that the reason for it is that it's a chance to enjoy a less stressful Christmas dinner despite all four of us helping to cook so that's our weird tradition and despite saying every year we don't understand the point we all sit back and say how much we enjoyed it after

wishing a very merry Christmas to you Len, and the whole Table Manners team. Can't wait to see you at the Palladium, Rachel. I like that, but that sounds very exhausting. God, I wish they'd adopt me. I'd be there. I would eat Christmas dinner every week, definitely. I'm going to brine my turkey this year. Why?

Because I was on tour. Sadly, that got cancelled. Thank you to everyone that came and that also gave lenny the biggest cheer of the night when i mentioned her on stage and there was this lovely lady who came to one of the sound checks um in newcastle i think she was from sunderland and she looked like a proper delia smith cook like she just she you knew she had it down her tim timings. She was a calm chef. I could see. And she said, you must always brine your turkey.

Two days before, you must always. And she said she uses the Nigella recipe. So if you're listening to this now, I think this is the 22nd, you have time to brine the turkey and you should do it two days before. And apparently Nigella's brine is very, very good. And that's what I'm going to do this year. And you're going it two days before and apparently nigella's brine is very very good and that's what i'm gonna do this year and you're gonna poo poo it yeah is my turkey always not moist my turkey's always nice it is nice a good turkey and it will be moist darling anyway i'm gonna try it this year it's my first time i'm kind of thinking i'm not gonna do it in the um the family bath like jack whitehall's mother did

no it's going to be in that massive soup pot that i haven't been able to access on my uh my one hob induction so i'm very very excited to use all my utensils so i'm doing the red cabbage yeah and the stuffing which is amazing and is in the cookbook it her red cabbage and her stuffing is oh hi joe it's like deja vu you're in exactly the same place as i saw you before but this time you have a christmas tree with the christmas tree here this year i've got my new favorite bauble what's your new favorite bauble it's got butcher oh lovely where'd you get that from it was a gift from my uh non-religious goddaughter pardon i need to see your manicure as well what color have you gone for you've gone for a bit more of a a peppy summer color wow yeah you know orange vibe it's gorgeous well we got ours done mum's a rudolph red i'm decadence i don't know what color yours is lovely um how are you i'm good thank you yes i'm uh i'm all right i'm just in

the process of cancelling this show that i'm doing next week which is really annoying but there you go everyone's coming down with it so we're you know and it's a live show it needs to be like big and busy and so i think it's you know it's the right decision but it's just like I feel like so not to go into too much detail but I feel like you know I've had a you know a big wank and I've not spaffed I don't even know what to say I I kind of understand what you mean Jessica no I! No, but it's the tension and stress of the build-up. The excuse, all the, yeah, I mean, your analogy was absolutely perfect. But also, you know, decision-making isn't great at that point.

You're in a very vulnerable state when you're at that point. And so, you know, I've gone a bit mad I think. For anybody that didn't know what was about to happen can you explain what it was? It was called Mummy's Big Christmas Do and it was a big kind of queer celebration a live TV show live from Birmingham featuring lots of queer LGBTQ plus people and allies and celebrating queer culture basically and we were getting quite far along obviously because it was meant to be next week with the script and there was some really funny stuff in there and I was really excited about lots of it I'm just sort of very frustrated for the

team really and you know lots of people have worked very hard on it and but also it was getting to the point where like if somebody got it and they tested positive on the day they would have to quarantine like an ibis in Birmingham for 10 days over Christmas. I was like, that's not fun, is it? You know, that's not what people want. So I think, you know, to keep everyone safe and yeah, I think it's absolutely the right decision.

And I'm busy enough as it is. I mean, I need to lie down, God. Well, yeah, how's it all going with you? Because not only are're doing that you've got your massive tour i'm so excited about the tour as well yeah speak about the tour because i need to talk to you about your your promotion tactics with claire balding yeah because you've been touring recently oh god i mean yeah well half a tour it got cut oh you've had dates cut as well yeah we had covid in the crew.

And then it became, as my manager calls it, it was like a leaky bucket. So we were like PCRing. And then we'd be like, okay, well, there's two gone. Okay. And then the next day, more lateral flows. It was just like, this is mad. I'm sorry to hear that.

But I need to know about the promotion of your massive tour because we're going on tour. And I don't know I mean he's got some very you know unkosher tactics of how to sell tickets maybe he could sell tickets for us Jesse maybe but I mean can you explain to mum what you did yeah um well it came about because the comedian James Acuster who's a good friend of mine would message me saying oh another person's shouted your name at me in the street. We look completely different.

We've got completely different acts. I mean, we're two white guys, I suppose, of a certain age. That's about it. And yeah, he was getting lots of people shouting my name at him. And then I got, I was on Westminster Bridge and someone went, you're that comedian, James Acaster. And so I texted him, I was like, someone's done it to me. So it became like a bit of a thing between us.

And then when my management said, oh, we're thinking of doing a little poster run over Christmas for your tour. Do you have any ideas? Do you just want to put the poster up? You could do whatever you like. I was just sort of sitting, going through ideas of how I could make it a bit more kind of,

how to just make people clock it a bit better, I suppose. And if something's slightly wrong for just make people clock it a bit better I suppose and if something's slightly wrong for me you clock it like people often talk about when with comedians everyone can be laughing but if there's one person that's not you focus in on that person so it's like an imperfection is your eye is drawn to it for some reason and so I think it came from that idea of like actually if I just put James Acaster's face, which seemingly is very similar to mine, according to lots of people that shout at us in the street, that people will kind of do a slight double take and it will make them think a bit more about it.

And it'll just go in a bit more. And it's essentially just like a marketing ploy. And did it work? Well, I actually don't know. I don't know how the sales have done since. But it ended up getting lots of people tweeting about it, saying somebody's going to get sacked at Joe's management company and lots of people kind of talking about it. So it worked in that sense. And then had a lot of fun writing a sort of faux statement

about how James's legal team had got in touch and how cross they were and that I had agreed to never do it again and then and then posted the actual poster which is then I've replaced the picture with Claire Boulding um so I'm now wondering whether I can keep going with it so I kind of do like oh Claire Boulding's team has got in touch and we've uh unfortunately there was an error there and then I mean you could just keep going I suggested having like African dictators instead of me, like, you know, the sort of Idi Amin and... Boris Johnson, maybe.

Boris Johnson, perhaps. Yeah. So maybe, I mean, it's a tactic that Aziz Ansari's just done, actually. Lots of people have been messaging me saying that he's just done a poster where... He's just copied you. Well, you know, I'm not going to say copied because I don't think he probably knows who I am. So he's probably just arrived at a similar idea

that happens all the time with comedians, particularly with a picture of Timothee Chalamet instead of him, which is funny. Oh my God. So that's funny. Who would you have, Mum? Oh, definitely Beyonce. Oh, okay.

There you go. Lovely. There you go. Fine. What are you doing for christmas because we know you're a foodie we know you love your grub and you love your restaurants and all of that jazz but i want to know what and your vegetables how are the vegetables in the garden well i mean it's sort of all peeling back a little now because obviously it's the winter but i've got sprouts

and i've not tried them yet but i've've got two pillars of sprouts that are ready to go. So I think those must be consumed in the next week or so. But the thing that I've been loving is these calettes. Have you heard of them? Yeah. No. They're like kale, little baby kales. They look a bit like a sprout.

Yes. But they're not as dense, are they? And they're lovely. Hold on. You just said calettes, but you always rinse kale. Yeah, but these are delicious because they're tender, aren't they? they're they're lovely hold on you just said kalex but you always rinse kale yeah but these are delicious because they're tender aren't they really tender you don't need to massage them at all do you they're literally in in between kale and sprouts so they grow like sprouts they're on the stem of this plant and the plant is beautiful huge thing with like purple

leaves gorgeous thing i'd love a like an outfit made out of the leaves because they're just so like oh it's a very camp plant then these lovely little yeah sort of little florets on the stem which have kind of the kind of leaves that kind of protrude outwards and then there's like a little core in there like you get on a sprout and you I've roasted them I'm going to try different ways of using because I've got tons of them but you roast them so the middle goes like a sprout so it's all very tender and and quite sprouty in flavor and then you get the crispiness of the leaf on the outside stunning really gorgeous delicious yes I thoroughly recommend so what are some of your Christmas traditions in your household or with your family so yeah so um there's a new tradition that started a few years ago,

probably four or five years ago, which is the Lysette Lads Booze Up, which is my dad started it, which is all the men of the family go and have a booze up. And my dad is not like this. Let me read to you. There's a WhatsApp group for this. It's called Christmas Drinkers. Okay.

And it's like I'm in a cult. Why are you women invited? Well, exactly. And there's been quite some contentious issues. It's a contentious issue. My cousin really wants to go. But it's a very gendered thing. No women.

Because we want to talk about men's stuff. Because you know I love that. What are the... Yeah. women, because we want to talk about men's stuff, because you know I love that. What are the... Yeah. I mean, the messages are so long, but it starts like this. Good morning, brothers. As chairman of the Christmas Drinkers Group, it has fallen upon me to bring your notice the dilution of our meeting group.

The intention of the organisation is to create the opportunity for male members of this family to meet twice a year to share stories and drinks. Unfortunately, this year we've had a break in tradition by the invitation of a friend and a female. I mean, it's like it's ridiculous. It's like a golf club. It sounds like kind of the Freemasons. It's very Freemason-y.

I actually, yes, I probably shouldn't have read that one because that was like that was when somebody was invited. It shouldn't have been there. And that's your dad? That's my dad. He's the chairman, is he? He's the self... It's a dictatorship. Yeah.

He's the self-confessed chairman. So this year, because of the COVID, whatever, we're not going for a booze up. We're going for a greasy spoon in a cafe on Christmas Eve. Where's the alcohol involved? Well, he said if you want to go for alcohol afterwards, that's fine, but there's people probably that won't want to do that.

So he's sort of very considerate in some ways but then if anyone says can we have a woman along he's like no i'm considering kind of going non-binary just for the day just just to confuse the whole thing well if you go non-binary will you dress up in a different way oh i could go in drag couldn't i there's a thought you could go as fairy godmother could go in the greasy spoon i feel? There's a thought. You could go as the fairy godmother. You could go. In the greasy spoon. I feel like it's going to be a really memorable Christmas. I'm absolutely going to look at it because I've got loads of clothes for this.

You've inspired an idea. You've got to use those outfits that you were going to have. Oh, jerk. I've got to go to the greasy spoon in this, haven't I? Oh, my goodness. Wow, that is a Beyonce outfit. That is fantastic. Oh, my God.

I love that that was just on your living room floor. It was just available, ready to go. You just slept in it? Just slept in it. It's a place in Birmingham, a drag shop called Sequin Showstoppers, or as the local queens call it sequin shitstabbers and they do loads of these and um there's you can get different colors and you can get one in the pride flag i love it oh i love it for the benefit of the podcast listeners it's like a giant pink

feathered you look like a giant pink boa yeah you've got it you've got it yeah um aside from that i'm trying to think of what non-sexist traditions we have um well what about the food the food is always brilliant who cooks it well i did it a couple of years ago and it looked i mean god i'm good but um mum and dad share it out normally um it was just because i'd had my kitchen done up I invited everyone for that year and I really enjoyed it actually I loved that challenge of putting a Christmas dinner together but um normally yeah it's mum and dad do you brine your turkey no actually that year what I did is I I have I sort of slightly cheated actually I have a friend

that runs a restaurant and she she basically said I'll buy a turkey for you and I'll prep it all so I went around hers on Christmas Eve got absolutely ratted she prepped it all and just said put this in the oven at this temperature and do this and she sort of wrote it out for me so I just followed the recipe because I didn't trust that I'd do a good job because it's scary thing isn't it a turkey but I mean how hard can it be I mean this is my first year doing it but it's putting a bird in the oven, right? And a certain, for a while. Hi Grimmy. Hi Grimmy. Hi. Are you still on your holly bobs? I'm still on my holidays. Where are you? I'm in Suffolk. So who are you there with Grim? I am here with me and my boyfriend, Mish, and Mish's sister and his mum and dad

and our two friends, Tom and Fern. Lovely. Is this a kind of a fake, it's a Christmas. You've kind of done Christmas number one. Basically, yeah. We did that yesterday. It was Mish's mum's birthday and fake Christmas. So we sort of combined them together

because we're going to, we've never had Christmas. Well, we had Christmas together last year, but it was just us two locked in the house under government legislation so we've never like been to each other's house for Christmas and me she's coming to Manchester for to my mum's this year so we thought it was we'd do it like one with his and then one with mine. Does your mum do the cooking? She does do the cooking. And she's really good at a roast isn't she banging like so what's like the hero dish on the grimshaw christmas table she she you know like you're meant to like the key to a good meal is like preparation i called her like 10 days ago and she's like just

prepping everything for christmas day i'm like it's in like 25 days so what's she prepping i know people have already made their red cabbage and it's ready in the freezer. Yeah. She's made a red cabbage. She's been pickling summer. She's made sweet and carrot, carrot and sweet. And she's just put it in the freezer. Yeah, it gets in the freezer.

That's what you do, darling. Now I'm stressing. I'm getting stressed now. Should I be doing it? So she's proper prepped. She goes to like this. She risks her life every year to go to this like farm shop that's got a proper butcher's on it.

So she'll like go and like scale this sort of like rocky hill to get into a farmer's pen and be like, I want that turkey. She doesn't choose her turkey live and then. I don't... I always in my head thought it was... Dead. Dead. I feel like if you chose a turkey that was alive,

you wouldn't know. Because once you pull the feathers out, it could just be like horrible in there, couldn't it? Yeah, it could just be like some rolled up ham. Do you remember that show? There was a show on Channel 4. I think it was... I gordon ramsey hosted it and it was like families got given a turkey and you had to like raise the turkey and then when it got near christmas you had to decide are we going to kill

it and eat it or is it going to be a pet oh my god i've just been sent gordon ramsey's wine and i i know i i wonder if it's any good it doesn't have a turkey on the front but he's got I've just been sent Gordon Ramsay's wine. Oh. And I know. I wonder if it's any good. It doesn't have a turkey on the front. But he's got three bottles. Him and Gary Barlow have sent me wine this year. I think we should all go into wine next year, apparently. Have you got a vineyard, Grimmy? Yeah, we need a wine.

I'd be so up for a vineyard. Jo, you're good at growing vegetables. Yes. Yes. Jo, I feel like maybe you should start this yeah you could let's should we start a wine oh let's start a wine all the gays are doing it let's start that's the tagline sorted for the website yeah all the gays are doing it the gays are doing it let's start it the kaylet's vineyard kaylet vineyard. No, you'd have to call it Slags.

Oh, Slagwine. Slagwine. I have to say, I have to say, Slag Juice. I had to send a reference of one of your lovely plants or flowers. I didn't have to. I was inspired by your beautiful Fakund garden. And it was beautiful. And I sent it to my landscape gardener but the

i had to it was a screenshot from one of your stories and it just said fucking slags or something like that i was like um just look at the clematis or something but yeah fucking slags i love that yeah it's people do struggle um knowing how to respond to that. Me included. It's one joke, isn't it? That's all it is. Just basically look at a plant, call it a slut. And everyone loves it. They love it.

I really love it. It works. It really, really works. It really works. I think for our age range, Joe and Jessie, I don't know if we're all the same age, but we're a similar ball know if we're all the same age but we're similar ballpark area like it's an introductory step to yeah late early 20s um it's like um a nice introductory

step into the world of gardening yes because gardening quite into but I do need the Joe Lysak humor as well yeah I wonder whether you should go like post watershed after Monty Don on a Friday yes they should do like a kind of like a bit more sexed up kind of, you know, gardeners world. Look, pitch it. Alan Titchmarsh.

No, we'd have bloody Joe instead. I could sort of wear like a Charlie Dimmock style top and my moves could sort of fall out a bit. Or just wear the feather boa outfit that you've got on the line. She wears dungarees, Charlie Dimmock boa outfit that you've got she wears dungarees Charlie Dimmer no actually Charlie was very sexy

yes she was she was I'm sure she is now we've had people message in about some of their traditions and there was a

very sweet lady called Alice who gave us a voice note who said that she starts the day which I thought was very chic with croustards

and they fill them with prawn cocktail or like bacon and egg and they have that with champagne and i'm now gonna order some pastry cases stop shitting on poor alice's pastry you absolute cow you're a bit jealous that you didn't have that idea and then she has a beef wellington oh oh apparently we have another voice note we're gonna play i haven't heard this alice is gonna play one You're a bit jealous that you didn't have that idea. And then she has a Beef Wellington. Oh. Oh. Apparently we have another voice note we're going to play. I haven't heard this. Alice is going to play one. Let's hear what... That isn't the voice note.

Mum keeps on playing Feliz Navidad just so she can show her lisp. She does it with a... Feliz Navidad. Stop. It's driving me crazy. Okay. Can we play another voice note please um and see see what somebody else is it's like i'm doing radio one with you grimy this is

thanks thanks mom hi my name's philippa and i'm from the northeast of england um our christmas family traditions are the christmas day meal is prepared by mostly by my uncle but other people chip in so my mom will do it's cheryl white onion soup lush and then there's a seafood platter as well i I normally go for seafood, but also want to have some of the soup because I'm a bit greedy. And then for the Christmas dinner, which we'll have at about two o'clock so that we're ready to watch the Queen's Speech. We will have turkey, roast pork, all the trimmings, yorkshire puddings so brussels sprouts roast potatoes mashed potatoes carrots parsnips cabbage absolutely everything but the most important thing for me is the gravy it has to be thick i can't be dealing with any of that thin watery gravy that people down south seem to prefer it's got to be thick and made with the meat juices.

And then for dessert, we buy the dessert. So we have trifle, Christmas pudding and something chocolatey. Loads of champagne, absolutely loads. And we also have a cheese board a bit later on with all the best cheeses on. Sorry, I think she's just got the new M&S deal with that voice. Yeah. With all the cheeses on. Sorry, I think she's just got the new M&S deal with that voice. Yeah. With all the cheeses on. When she started to say that she buys in the desserts,

I feel like the kind of monster version of her came out because she's sort of, and then we buy the dessert. Out of nowhere, this voice. Philippa, you dirty cow. A lot of food in it. When you list it like that what we consume my christmas eating's proper started already but i mean that is quite the list that she's just gone for the white onion soup is a new one and i quite like the seafood platter i don't know what she'd have on it and probably prawns and mussels and i don't know if i'd fancy a muscle

we do that reminds me my um auntie always brings starters and they're always like seafoods it'll be like smoked salmon or uh one year she cured a salmon and prawns and things like that and actually it is a nice sort of gentle start to the day actually yeah i like the idea of a platter like seafood platter it looks quite decadent as well doesn't it look quite festive you and mish love a seafood platter actually well mish actually love a seafood platter, actually. Well, Mish actually hates a seafood platter. But I really like them and I'm allowed to have it. And he loves you. And he loves me.

So on my birthday, he was like, let's get a seafood platter. And he hated it. I think it was about six people. I was like, yep, I'll eat it. Now, what I love about your boyfriend, when we went out for dinner, because I ordered for the table, which... Jessica always does.

Yeah, but everyone was quite shocked how much food was ordered. And I was like, this is really me holding back. But anyway, Mish had to order a burger to himself just because he has such a strong appetite. And I wonder whether that is what happens does he need like a little side extra something for Christmas he always needs a pre so we've come to the countryside now for like nice family time and we're gonna cook we've been cooking nice meals we've been having like a cheese board you know we've not been hungry you know it's been like full-on Christmas eating he brought his own stash of like emergency food of like super noodles like instant noodle things so

like I'll make a delicious meal and then I'll look around and he'll be having like two packs of super noodles that's ruining the vibe i'm going for like but will he still eat your food absolutely and then after it's just like he's like and it goes nowhere and he doesn't gain weight no it's just like putting food in the bin just like constantly just refueling yeah now now joe what what will you be bringing to to Christmas this year for your culinary dish or gift to your family? Well. The calettes. The calettes will definitely.

And the sprouts from the garden. I think I'll. How will you do them? I don't know. The obvious is to sort of put some pancetta in there, isn't it? But I kind of wonder if I've grown it myself. Chestnuts. I love chestnuts.

Oh, yes. I've got some in the cupboard from last year. We do these ones that we do with hazelnuts, grapes, and you put soy on them and vinegar, and they're kind of like, they're really gorgeous. Yes, because they need... And so roast them. You need a bit of the soy as a great shout as well,

because that gives that like... It's really good. Well, if you could send over the chestnuts that you've got left over in the cupboard, that would be great. Yeah, I've got them in the cupboard, darling. Absolutely. So I'll have your chestnuts then. And then I'm in the process of trying to get the perfect cured salmon, the cure right.

Because I've done it before, it's been too salty. And then sometimes it's too sort of sweet. I'm doing one now which is like 50 50 so it's like half salt half sugar bit of beetroot bit of dill and i'm hoping that'll do it do you put alcohol in no is that oh i didn't know i could do that yeah you cure it it's in our cookbook all right now with gin i'll whack some gin in yeah put put gin in because i love salmon joe have you reorganised your tour? Do you know when it's going to happen?

Yes, I'm going on tour for the first time in five years, four or five years, with a show that I've spent a long time writing and I'm looking forward to it, actually. When I finished the last tour, I was like, I am so over this. I was so done with all the travel and now I'm chomping at the bit to do it again.

I really want to get out and see people and tell jokes and then travel man oh yes travel man as I'm calling it much to the anger of everyone involved making it this is we talked about this last time we spoke and you've been like waiting to do it right yeah yeah no we've um we finally started filming them so um amazing starts with the Christmas special special on the 27th of december with bill bailey in iceland which was so fun an amazing country did you eat anything delicious so much good stuff there i thought it was all going to be like really horrible salted fish and actually it was all really delicious really sort of michelin-esque brilliant food. So yes, we start with that one. I boiled an egg in the ground.

That's one thing you can do because they've got all those- So it tastes good? How can you boil, oh, the hot springs? In the hot springs, yeah. And they make bread in the ground as well that they do this sort of, it's like a black bread that they do in a bucket.

It doesn't sound- Jesse, maybe you should get that Benoît Thiel garden. What I need to ask you is, have you seen the film Eurovision? No, I haven't. But they have a whole museum for it that we walked around

and I didn't understand what was going on, really. I have to say, I've always respected Will Ferrell, but this was such a great film. And I think I was, well, maybe it was because I was so miserable

because I was on an eight-hour journey back from my cancelled tour in Glasgow. And so I needed something to pep me up. But this was just the ticket. Eurovision, Will Ferrell, Rachel McAdams, you're welcome. Go and watch it this Christmas. It will bring you some joy. Darling, is it better than Elf? It's different and it's not taking the

piss out of Eurovision it's just very lovely okay and you should watch it and it's about the Icelandic uh entry anyway and he loves it doesn't he Will Ferrell like he loves Eurovision fan and like goes to it every year which I really love yeah I feel like Will Ferrell's having a really good year he's like an executive producer on Succession. He did a great Eurovision Netflix thing. He's done that shrink next door. Will Ferrell is laughing. He's married to a Swede.

Life is good. Yeah. Grimmy. Grimmy. What are some of your plans? Has your show been on yet where you did your walk that you said was so... Yeah. It was.

It was on a few weeks ago. Sorry. I was away stressing about COVID. Sorry. It might honestly... Sorry, I was away, stressing about COVID. Sorry. It might be on iPlayer. I don't know. Well, talk to us, because you said it was one of the best things you've ever done.

Yeah, it was really nice. So I was asked to do it, and the show premise was basically go for a walk on BBC Two. And I thought, I was like, is everyone all right? What's that? And then actually I did it, and I really loved it. And you ended up just talking in a way that you never really talk because you're on your own, like no phone. You're not you're not seeing any people. So it's not like going for a walk through London or Manchester where you like, you know, you're like, oh, look at her or look at that shop.

I was just in a field for like 10 hours. So you ended up just like thinking about life and talking about you know everything from love and life and death and the future so it was really good to do so I did that and then I've been filming something over the past few weeks. Are you allowed to talk about it? I think no Oh that's rough You're a spoilsport

I liked it and it was good and it's on next year. Besides your new TV show, have you got any things that you would like to happen in 2022? Not talk about COVID ever again. Yeah. You're not getting married, Remy, or anything like that? I don't think so.

I think we both would rather spend the money getting our house decorated. What are you talking about? You've just decorated your house or like do you know what i mean or like getting like a garden done okay like that sort of thing but we're going to america we're both going to go to america because when i finished radio in august i was like this will be the only time where i'll be able to have like a month off work maybe and like just set aside some time to like break down what happened at radio one think about the future because it's 14 years so I was like let's let's figure out what's next and then I've ended up just like doing stuff to December so now we're doing

that in January so we're both going to go to America and just like be off yeah that would be amazing well look guys thank you so much for joining us. We wish you a Merry Christmas and we hope you have a gorgeous day and a Happy New Year. And thank you so much for joining us

for a few Christmas nibbles. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. So our guests have left and now we want to hear from some of you stragglers you late comers um we've got some more messages from you that we'd love to read out and uh listen to this one is from an american from america mum we're worldwide baby cri. Crikey. Jesse and Lenny Ware. Oh. The podcast divas. Thank you so much for this podcast

and for all that you give to the podcast world. I always listen and am so inspired as a cook and as a person. You always make me smile. So thank you, thank you. Thank you for this. Um, my name's Colton. I live in Los Angeles now. I'm an actor, but I was from, I grew up in Nebraska. So Nebraska is the middle of the U S middle of nowhere. Uh, and the three main food groups are carbs, starches, and sugar and diet Coke as well.

That's another food group. Um, I grew up going to my aunt's house every year for Christmas Eve. And my grandma would make this giant plate of fudge. And it went so fast, like it was the most popular thing. And so one year I was like, I'm going to get so much fudge and before the rest of my family and no one's going to know. So I like met my grandma by the car. I was like, Grandma, let me help you like carry in all these desserts and I carried in the fudge. I stuck it in my aunt's laundry room off to the side and then I spent the next hour like siphoning as much fudge into my body as possible so that my family wouldn't get any and Let me tell you the level of illness which I felt

Has yet to be rivaled in my adult life. It was a terrible, terrible experience. And I don't think I've eaten fudge since, but it was one of my most treasured memories. Just those Christmas Eves with my family and just the hijinks that we got up to and my grandma's fantastic chocolate nut filled fudge. It was delicious. Thank you both. And I hope to see you guys in LA. Table Manners Live. Yes! Colton, I think you should have your own bloody podcast. That voice was like sexy, nutty fudge in my ear.

It was like Bailey's. Well, we've got one person coming to the Hollywood show. Yeah, thank God for that. Also, I think I saw a similar level of pain by my daughter in sugar intake when I took her to see Encanto last week, the new Pixar. And she was so obsessed with having sweets.

I got her those candy kittens, which are actually quite delicious, aren't they? I've got some more here. She backed the whole thing and then said that she had earache. And I was like, no, I think that's just a cavity, darling. And she had to have a lie down after. So yeah, serves her right.

Colton, thank you. I kind of love the idea of an American wholesome Christmas. The idea that you go on Christmas Eve and you're eating fudge in the laundry room, even if the outcome was pretty miserable. I've never heard fudge as a Christmas tradition. Thank you for that. Yeah.

Who's up next? Hello, Jessie, and especially Lenny. So every year we would normally do a big family do on Christmas Eve. I think that's the traditional Germanic thing to do, but we're not German. So we'd get all the extended family, get all that done on Christmas Eve. Christmas Day is just me, mum and dad. And I do the cooking now. So just your standard turkey, all the trimmings.

Usually a selection of fabulous desserts. Lots of startling things. I love a Mont Blanc. Very nice. Chestnut puree. Oh, gorgeous. And then on Boxing Day is my parents' wedding anniversary. So it's jam-packed every year.

And obviously it's been sad for the past few years not to see the extended family, but also a bit of a relief. I don't think we caught their name lady munter oh my goodness is that a bit rude i don't know mum i think it is darling he goes to the muff diving kitchen doesn't he probably i'm joking lady munter you have a raspy drag queen let's google oh ladyter, let's see. You put your Instagram, you're all pro. You have a dirty laugh.

He's got a great voice. We've got some fabulous voices. Yeah, I think that was a Scottish voice, wasn't it? Yeah, it's gorgeous. Lady Munter. Yeah, I'd say Lady Munter. A drag shitebag, that's what she calls herself. And queer-coded villain, Scotland's vicious queen of controversy, Lady Munter, a drag shitebag that's what she calls herself and queer coded villain

Scotland's vicious queen of controversy disgraced doyen and zennial gypo, Jew Berber Scandi, enfant terrible just up your street mum oh wow she sounds fab god mum she does your makeup how you'd like to do mine

is it a she he they mum actually he is, he, they? Mum. Well, no, I don't know. Actually, he is a he, she, they. See? You shut your mouth. I'm woke. Lady Munter, thank you for calling in.

I just tried to find a Mont Blanc. That's a cheese, isn't it? No, Mont Blanc is pureed chestnuts with ice cream and meringue on top. Oh, Mum, maybe we should do that for the pud it's really easy darling and i bought two christmas puddings already i like the idea of a pudding for alex and i think we're getting a trifle i think that looks fantastic that chocolate meringue mont blanc cake i'm gonna do it you've inspired me lady munter who else have we got hi jesse hi laney um so i guess my favorite christmas story has to do with my mom venting her rage due to the lack of help from the family during christmas eve

preparations and the thing is my mom always loved christmas and no matter how tired she was by the end of the year she always wanted as many people around as possible to celebrate. But sometimes we just didn't want to help with the decorations, the shopping list, etc. I guess it was 2012, she was trying to arrange everything for the Christmas Eve party, whilst also finishing some work at her boutique. I just remember that at some point she came home and when she realized my dad, my sister and I weren't helping much with the party, she just threw the Christmas tree in the backyard of our home and put it on fire. Oh gosh, you

clearly could see the anger in her eyes at the moment. After that, everybody found a way to help with the party, tired or not. However, the funny part is that after a few hours, she was just chatting and laughing about the whole story with some customers at the boutique. And later during the party, she just behaved as if nothing happened. Curiously, nobody noticed the absence of the christmas tree maybe my mom just needed to express anger in a very dramatic way i don't know never messed with an angry northern brazilian woman i guess merry christmas and all the love from brazil oh obrigado that's amazing and i believe i could be that person you know what mum you would throw the christmas tree out if your hip wasn't so bad and your back

wasn't so bad i feel like that's the kind of shit that you would have done i don't think i'd go that far darling that is amazing um i feel like lots of people could relate i nearly threw the kids advent calendar in the bin today they just wake up demanding the chocolate now it's a pain in the arse i wish i just started them with bloody non-chocolate ones okay this is george so we have a couple of traditions in my family which is something we love to do one fill the pudding so we make extremely large yorkshire puddings like massive you can't have a christmas roast without them we fill them with all the leftovers roasties veg the whole christmas menu then we sit and race to eat it all oh jesus christ the winner gets first

dibs on pudding and the loser has to drink a mixture of everyone's drink oh my god this is i'm a celebrity yeah bless aunt Judy, honestly. She couldn't stand afterwards. That is, that's a lot. Because I feel like you would want to savour the Yorkshire pudding and all the extras. Okay, number two, musical mania. We are a very musical and talented family, I must say. When my cousins and I were younger, we would lock ourselves away on Christmas and Boxing Day and rehearse a whole music set. I must say. We are currently in love with Hot and Heavy, so maybe we might do a little cover. Please, George, if you do do a cover, please send it to us and we'd love to see it. That sounds very, very fun.

So we've got some different family traditions. This one's from Michelle Conlin from Glasgow. And every year since I can remember, my dad would type up his Christmas menu in advance. How different was it every year, Michelle? Print it out and have me and my younger sister Stephanie decorate it with festive scenes colorfully drawn with our felt-tip pens that's lovely like a menu i'm now 27 and my sister's 23 but there's no getting off the hook with dad's christmas menu he still asks us to draw santas and reindeers on his menu every year even if it's just the four of us around the table oh my god i love that thank you michelle right this one is from

danny hi jesse as a chubby italian family food is obviously the centerpiece of the christmas day celebration however it's our family's anolini in brodo see attached image okay it's kind of like ravioli but with veal cheese beef breadcrumb filling and a chicken broth. Oh, hold on. Did Angela Hartnett talk about this? She did. It's an extensive full day operation that goes into making these. My mum, her two sisters and the majority of the grandchildren turn up at my nonna's house about a month before Christmas to hand make a few months supply of them.

It takes all day and we have roughly 3,000 of them. You could send us a few, darling. Oh, I'd love to try these the great thing about it is that my aunts and mum have tried to note down a recipe for them but my nonna does everything by eye and taste oh i know that one mate try writing a cookbook with your nonna and uh we'll continuously amend things as she goes along so that to this day no one really knows how to make them other than nonna i think she probably likes it that way too anyway they are delicious and i would offer you a tray for christmas but the last family member that gave some out was scolded for wasting them kind regards danny oh happy christmas danny

that sounds great and big love to your nonna now because we started with felice for now without you don't need to put it on again this This is from Mikey Garcia, who grew up in a... Yeah, we wish you the Merry Christmas from... Okay, thank you, Mum. Growing up in a traditional Mexican-American family, we had tamales and pozoli, which is soup or stew with a hominy with meat on Christmas Eve. Now, I remember feeling rather disappointed when i was a kid

because all the christmas movies showed families eating chicken roast or honey glazed ham it was only until i got older that i did appreciate all the traditional mexican food my mum would make for us this year i hope to help her in the kitchen without ruining christmas dinner having my very own bonding moment like that very, very sweet of you to say. I don't think mum and I have ever had a bonding moment in the kitchen. Not at Christmas Day. Pro tip from Mikey Garcia. Avoid the drunken uncle that hands out tequila shots.

He will force you to sing along to Feliz Navidad until you're blue in the face. No, I've already got my mother here who isn't drunk thank you mikey uh thank you to everyone who has been with us for this year the past three years we absolutely love doing this and it has been such a welcome distraction from life we love chatting to everybody about food we love hearing from you um thank you for all your messages your suggestions we are not leaving you now um we still have more coming on um over the christmas period we have an amazing one next week actually and then we're going to take a little break and get some more people in over for dinner um cook up a few feasts and merry christmas and i hope some of these suggestions I think the joke's done them.

Merry Christmas. Happy Christmas to everyone and wishing you a healthy, happy and peaceful 2022. thank you for listening the music you've heard on table manners is by peter duffy and pete fraser table manners is produced by alice williams