Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S13 Ep 4: Joanna Lumley

Episode Date: March 16, 2022

We have wanted this woman since the start of Table Manners.. she’s been on the hit list since day one and finally, we have her! The one, the only, Dame Joanna Lumley popped over to Clapham for a vegetable pie & some poached pears and it was quite frankly, absolutely fabulous.Joanna talks to us about growing up in India, being addicted to limes, her love of the Queen & cocktail nights at home. Speaking with experience she talks us through her desert island meal & being Patsy Stone.Whadda woman. Her new TV show ‘Cities of the World' starts tomorrow Thursday 17 March at 9pm Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

hello and welcome to table manners i'm jessie ware and i am manning the don't use manning darling you're a woman okay i am womaning staffing the managing man i'm well barely yeah um i am going to try and manage this podcast today it's only somebody that we've been trying to get from the start and now we're going to look like an unprofessional outfit. Why don't you put earphones on? It might help you look more professional. No, that would look very antisocial when she finally arrives. Yeah, it might do.

Oh, mum's phone's going off. Oh, Instagram. Oh, yeah. Oh, and that's producer Alice apologising that she's never leaving the gas leak traffic that she's in. Hold on. Let's see. I've parked and I'm getting the tube. That's our girl.

That's our producer, Alice, running here to get to this guest to save the sound quality. She can't get in a taxi. No, a taxi's no good. No, Mum, there's been a gas leak in Whitechapel. Anyway, so I'm trying to make the sound as okay as possible

because Alice is obsessed with making our table manners sound as good as possible. So apologies if it's a little ropey for the first half hour of this, just while Alice dashes here from Whitechapel. And that is a schlep to get to Clapham. That's a nightmare. We'll have to drink a lot of champagne. Well, which one have you got, Mummy? You've been so excited.

I wonder if this is going to go down well or not. We'll see. Well, I have got an alternative choice because she might hate the bloody stuff. Does she drink? I've got Bolly, darling. And why do you have Bolly, Mum? Because if you're absolutely fabulous like us,

you always had a drop of Bolly, darling. And also absolutely fabulous like the guest that we've got which is joanna lumley dame joanna dame joanna lumley um i'm a bit worried did you ever see the episode of ab fab which one when they tried to encourage her to eat patsy patsy and she only managed half a piece of because she was a model and always worried about how she looked. She drank a lot. And she managed half a piece of turkey and everyone watched in awe as she ate. God, I just don't feel like that would be allowed on television now.

No, it probably wouldn't. But you've made, she's vegetarian. Just to add to the jeopardy of this evening, she's a vegetarian. And I've made something I've never made before. And it smells really good. Well, you don't, it's not even cooked yet. Mum, I got here and I've been writing the new record on Zoom this week because my dear producer and songwriter got COVID. So that has been a bit rubbish, but actually quite amazing that we got some music.

But I came a bit later, hadn't helped with the food. And you were like like you essentially wanted me to hold your hand yes i was panicking because it looks great mom it looks all right it's not doesn't look great where are you going i'm doing the intro put it in the oven um anyway so we have joanna lumley coming on joanna has a new itV show coming out. It's called Great Cities of the World. And essentially it's Joanna having a jolly in all the greatest cities. Rome, Paris. Where else does she go?

Berlin. Berlin. I think it's the three. And has a lovely time. Yeah. And so she's coming on. She's a fellow South Londoner. Yeah.

So it's not too far for her to come, which is also slightly a shame because producer alice isn't here but it's fine i've got this i'm no longer the young grasshopper made my first chicken soup didn't i mum yes darling it was quite nice it was delicate that means not enough flavor well i've realized that you tip in like half the container of the chicken soup no i don't which is msg i don't know i think that no i don't use half a container you definitely are liberal with your sprinkling of it two tablespoons no mum i did more than two tablespoons but you it was too watery you needed to boil it down more oh really

yeah it just needed less water i still quite liked it yeah Yeah, it was nice. I've enjoyed it. It was less water. I brought the matzo balls. Those went down a treat. And then Sam ate a post-COVID matzo ball. I'm so sick of COVID. I'm so sick of it. Yeah, I'm sick of it. But we're not going to talk about it today. What else have you been up to, Mum?

Well, let's talk about our new obsession, darling. What is it? How many goes today? How many grids? A wordle yep you are amazing i'm not amazing you always get it in three i usually get your fucking phone turn your phone on silent mom it's just alice saying the tube shot that's people she says really hate being late and really need a wee poor al Al. We are so thrilled that Dame Joanna

Lumley is coming to the house, albeit slightly chaotic in here, but I'll try and steer the ship. But we are thrilled. If she sits here, she'll be fine. You just need to work with me on the old levels. I'll be back and forth around

her, darling, with the food. No, Mum, it'll be fine. Hopefully Alice will be here soon. Yeah, OK. Joanna Lumley. Let's drink a lot. Yeah, let's. Can we open some now? Joanna Lumley coming up on Table Manners.

Darling. You still drink Polly? I do. Oh, gosh! By goolly? I do. Oh, good! By golly, I do. Well, that's how we shall begin. This is divine. Oh, you're so sweet.

You don't live too far away? No. Traffic was weirdly heavy tonight, but I live in Stockwell, so that's really close. Really close by. Cheers. Cheers, darling.

Cheers. To South London. Thrilled, thrilled. How are you? so that's really close really close by cheers cheers darling how are you how how am i yeah i'm just fine i've worked all the way through yeah because i worked all the way through but my husband's a musician jesse oh is he he's a conductor he's a composer he's a pianist rubbish and everything went bang shut because all he does performing art so he did a lot of composing finishing bits he'd started and putting himself to it and just slogging on you know because a lot of music is slog as you know yeah doing it in our profession we have a saying which is stay in the boat don't just suddenly go on this is really hard hang on in there we're bumping over waters, but hang on.

Be it, stay in the boat. And then guess what? The waters will come calm and we'll still be there. What you're not to do is to disappear. Have you had bumpy waters? Not now, but early, early days. Early days. Bumpy, bumpy. Did you grow up in England?

Or were you, your father was in? Eventually, eventually. I was born in India. India, yes. My father's with the Gurkhas. Yes. And my mother was the daughter of a diplomat who was born in India my father was with the Gurkhas and my mother was the daughter of a diplomat who was out in India

and who had Tibet and Bhutan and Sikkim and had been before in Persia as it was, Iran as it is now and everybody was born in, he was born in Gazipur and my father was born in Lahore and I was born in

Kashmir and my sister was born in Abidjan. So we were all born over there. And then the regiment moved. India had its independence. We moved off to Hong Kong, and then we moved from Hong Kong to Malaysia and lived there. So I came back to England when I was eight, and now England's my home.

But before then, because my parents had both been brought up in India, we didn't have a home here. So although England's my home. But before then, because my parents had both been brought up in India, we didn't have a home here. We didn't, so, although England was called home, it wasn't, we didn't have a home. You know, we didn't know where we came from. Did you feel, do you still feel a strong connection with India? Yes, I do.

Well, India, and I've been back many times. And the sort of tropics of the Far East, the smell of, I don't know, wet, laterite earth after rain and the sound of jungle birds and things, and the dark, dark skies and great thunderstorms. Those are the things I... When there's a thunderstorm, I open all the windows and hope for lightning. Can you remember your first food memory?

I presume it must be... It would have been Far East. It would have been far it would have been far east it would have been with the armours in hong kong and it would have always had rice and ginger and garlic and probably soy sauce and that still is my comfort food and do you do you add anything to it do you have any little extra i mean sometimes it's really nice i do something like i mean put sunflower seeds onto it to give it a little bit of a crunch or crunch sometimes you can sometimes our fang one of our beloved cooks um r is the kind of honorary people say oh you mustn't call it that's really

insulting but r was mrs so it's like saying mrs fang um she used to make that rice but then at the very last minute, she'd crack an egg through the rice, fry rice, do it like that, and then at the end shred lettuce, and just as it wilted it would be tumbled and put on your plate. It's called chow fan. I adored it. Oh, that sounds great.

And what was the seasoning? The seasoning was ginger, garlic, soy sauce. And that was just always... And anything, chillies or whatever, I mean anything Far Eastern-y seasoning. Can you take a lot of heat then, do you think? Or are you not into heat? Some, some. I once took a mouthful of green chillies,

the hot, hot, hot green chillies, thinking they were green beans. I was on a trek through Bhutan, and I'd been... Vegetarians get pretty slim pickings on these feasts, you know. And so I saw what I thought was a dish of green beans and I put a whole crunch to hold off my mouth and I was completely silent for about 20 minutes which was a relief to everybody

and my eyes were streaming and I couldn't speak and I felt as though my ears would explode it was so did they not offer you any yoghurt or milk no they were just like suck suck it up, Joanna. They didn't because it was one of those buffets where you help yourself. So it was my fault.

Did you cook a lot of egg fried rice in the pandemic? We ate so much and we got so fat. I know. We just stuffed up. We thought everyone got boxes delivered, didn't they? They had wonderful things. I can't tell you anything. And my husband's a good cook.

Musicians often are cooks. Did you know that? Well, did you watch Pretend It's a City, the Fran Lebowitz thing on Netflix? No, I didn't. So good. So good, go on. And she says that she's kind of,

her two favourite people are chefs and musicians because of like the creative, she's obsessed with them. And she says there's like lots to, yeah, they're quite'd like to say yeah we're just you know you're a good cook you're a good cook i think i wonder if it's something to do with i don't know something musical food is musical maybe food is a bit musical and maybe you've got to have music in your soul to be a good cook that's i i love that i don't think i have got music in your soul to be a good cook. I love that. I don't think I have got music in my soul, darling. Well, you gave it to me with Dusty and Aretha, Manhattan Transfer. So your husband's a good chef.

So what was he cooking? What was the kind of go-to? Or the zhuzh ducks? Or what we could get. Because at the time, do you remember all the queuing in the mornings and wearing masks and looking on empty shelves and things? I know. But we're quite good.

Because I'm a vegetarian and he isn't, we could have a real variety of things. And so sometimes he'd cook something for himself or whatever. But we're both, I would have thought, simple. So any recipe that takes six hours, I wouldn't do. No. I'm too lazy. Also, I can't imagine many vegetarian dishes take six hours. They don't.

Like, that's a slow-cooked, you know, lamb. Too slow, exactly. So slow-cooked lamb and things like that, he loves. Have you been a vegetarian for a long time? For ages, darling. About easily 40 years. Really? Maybe 45 years now.

What made you become... Suddenly thought... You know how you suddenly think maybe you'd give up smoking or drinking or something okay and i suddenly thought i'm not going to do this no i'm not going to eat meat or fish no more finished gone but i'm not a vegan and people say that's the next step but i think it's i think it's hard without cheese and dairy i mean it used to be so difficult to be a vegetarian no it isn't. And always travelling in the Middle and Far East, it's never difficult because they never expect you to have to stuff yourself with meat all the time. They'll have meat, but usually those sort of picking foods

and Indian foods and Far Eastern foods, a lot of the cuisine of poor countries is the food I love best. And it's because it doesn't depend on meat. If you think they've always got a basis, like initially it might be pasta or pizza base, and then there's rice and then there's all these different things

which are the bases. And only if you're very rich do you get some meat or fish onto it. The rest of the time they do clever things with beautiful vegetables and spices and herbs and in the end you don't miss anything. So, I mean, we've got you over for dinner. Mum has cooked a vegetarian meal.

Mum gets very terrified about cooking vegetarian meals because she's such a meat eater. Yeah. So she's terrified. Yeah. And so I've had to hold her hand well for the time that I was here. I love you for doing this. But do you find that people struggle to know what to cook do you feel like they kind of over fuss when you go for dinner and i sometimes say i'll eat everything except the meat bits if there are potatoes and greens or stuff or a salad that's fine that's not but do you quite like it

when someone makes the effort though it's so charming and people more and more are finding how interesting it is cooking. Yeah. Non-meat meals. Plant, what they call plant-based meals. You can get some good stuff. So which ones are your recipe books that you go to? I don't read recipe books.

Don't you? No. Why not? I don't know. No, it's just, I think they're lovely. I love them. I find them quite meditative. I think they're very inspiring too.

Yeah. So where do you get your inspiration well I'm so dull as a cook I'm a dull cook are you yeah I think I am I mean they're full of spices and people tuck into them and go yum yum yum but the truth is that I didn't do anything very clever but that's because you're not reading bloody recipe books Joanna I know but recipe books will always say marinate for seven days with one sprig of something you know and i won't do that you know feel as if i needed marinating i like the idea jess of having some skills which will take you through if you know what i mean know how to make a white sauce know how to make a

something or an omelette or no know the basics and then from that you can you can push push push push push and extend it then you think of different tastes and flavors you'd like i love soup i think soup and i think the old kind of housewife french housewife's way of making soup having a a pot and chucking stuff into it is good you've just got this new travel program yeah and you ate in that you must have never stopped eating i never i mean also they always make me eat on the film they say in here jana you'll be going over and helping cook and then eat some of the stuff it's no hardship for me but this is why i'm not as svelte as i would have been so i have in the three programs which are about berlin paris and rome i I think Rome is the first one going out,

I was with people who cooked. So, for instance, in Rome, which goes out first, I met one of the Italian pizza chefs who's a kind of whiz, he's a star. He looks like Brando. He's got the temperament of Gordon Ramsay and is a brilliant chef. And he makes these pizza bases, which he puts almost anything. He puts things like chicory and honey and nuts and chickpea sauce on. I can't tell you.

And you go, really? And then you eat and you go, this is out of this world. So he's very daring. And I said to him, you know, a lot of people are purists about what you can put on pizza and i said to him what do you think some people put um pineapple and things like that on pizza what do you think that he said i don't care he said if they want it they shall have it pizza is for everybody they should eat everything they want so that was rather heartening so we can put i do i do like a pineapple yeah i do i'm, I do. I'm sorry, I know it's like... It's not, because he said it's not, and he's a Roman chef, so he doesn't...

Fine. But how was it filming that? I mean, it must have been lovely to get out of bloody London. The crew... Oh, well, it was divine. Filming that actual sequence, the crew were literally drooling. So in the end, I had to say, I'm sorry, are the crew allowed to eat some of this?

And they just fell like wolves. But getting out of London, I had been filming during the lockdown because I'd done a programme called Home Sweet Home, three episodes about England, Scotland, Ireland and Wales. Looking at all the beautiful places we've got here, even if it is lockdown, even if you can't go away and you've got to have a staycation,

look, there's heavenly stuff and darling people and great food and interesting beautiful things to see um but going abroad was that was great it felt like you were alive it's sort of you feel you're living again it hasn't i don't know it's a sense that our lives were ended and we'd become little institutionalized people even if it was a happy prison we were in a prison yeah so joanna the podcast i feel like you you kind of get the gist you're i mean everyone's gonna love having you in their ears we ask every guest what their last supper would be so it was a starter main purge drink of choice you can think about this you can mull it over we've got time to come back to it

have a little think don't feel pressured. And it could be a last supper before you go on a desert island for a year. Or it can be... Good night, nurse. Yes. Good night. But if it was the very last supper, you'd have to be in pretty good form. You mustn't be all croaking away with your old tooth and everything.

So let's say you're healthy and... Just before I'm going away to V-Bat... Remember been on desert island with me i was cast away i was cast away ages ago it was before any of these cast away what before like hold on are we talking pre kind of it was in about 1993 oh wow before shipw Before Shipwreck, before The Castaway, before The Island. Before Love Island. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It was called Girl Friday. I was Girl Friday, The Guinea Pig.

I had some knives, some sacking. They gave me a pound of rice for nine days, and that's all. And that was it. What did you do? Stuffed, pretty much stuffed. Did they help? They said over the island, it was a desert island, so there's nobody on it. There's no garlic or ginger? No garlic, there's nothing on it except

limes. And I became addicted to limes because with my little bit of rice, my tiny shell, I had no knives and forks and spoons, no toothbrush, no mirror, no comb, no soap, nothing. I had nothing. I lived like an animal. Why did you do it? Because I thought it would be quite fun I was doing Patsy at the same time so it was a good old contrast lovely contrast are you glad you did it? yes I mean you survived I had rice that was good

did you have to make the rice? did you have to like do like flint what's it you know when you strike up did you have to do all that stuff? and we'd had a late monsoon so the wood was wet so it took forever to get a little fire going. Did you cry? No, I didn't cry, but it was...

You're dedicated only to making fire, collecting wood. Your horizons go like this. But at the same time, all my senses changed. I could sense when the rain was coming, literally when the rain was going to come. I could sense when the tide was turning, when it stopped coming in and was going to go out again. I saw baby turtles hatching on the beach. I saw shooting stars.

I saw flying foxes. I was on my own. What are flying foxes? Flying foxes are fruit bats. Here's your girl. Here's my girl. And now you're, well, you're already sounding fantastic. But the good thing was, this is the interesting thing,

is that when you go without food for a long time, you begin to think, what, because then, first of all, three days you're hungry. Did you hallucinate? No, three days you're hungry, and then you're not hungry at all. You lose your appetite. Yeah, I can imagine. And what I longed for was crunchy things.

So I remain addicted to lettuce. Lettuce. Lettuce, and anything that goes crunch so celery, apples, things that go crunch that you can get your teeth into crunch and green hello God how lovely to see you

it's a nightmare nearly three hours where have you come from? it's a nightmare I've got gridlocked on Tower Bridge I've done this before you know I did this when I was doing a play. I'd gone to see Sunset Boulevard. Who was starring?

It was Petula Clark that long ago. You're kidding! And Jennifer Saunders and Dawn French and I went to see the matinee. I was in a play at the Hammersmith, the Lyric Hammersmith. It was the letter, Somerset Maugham play, and I was the star of it. And I opened the play by firing six shots,

bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Then the lights came on, and there I was with a smoking gun. That's how the play started. It started at 7.30. So you fitted in a matinee? We'd gone backstage. So we went to a matinee.

God, you are rock and roll aren't you Joanna no this is Jennifer you're my plus one for NME I said I'd better go she said you've got to come back and say hello to Pet

I think you've got to do that she knows where you're in Pet so we went backstage and Pet was great and it took a bit longer how long was she there I think she'd got some age

on her darling yeah anyway anyway we came back and it was a Friday afternoon I think they were doing anyway, anyway, we came back and it was a Friday afternoon. I think they were doing two shows, two on Friday, two on Saturday.

It was a Friday and it was a downpour and I was coming along the Cromwell Road absolutely static. I thought, I can't do this. So I drove my car onto the pavement.

I went and knocked on the window of a man and mobile phones had just come in and mobile phones the size of that little transistor radio. Literally a brick.

And I said, I'm sorry, Mr.'m sorry mr man speaking your brick can you please um help me because i'm going to be late for the show and he said here you can borrow the phone i said no you don't understand a i don't know how to do it b i can't remember the number of the theater so he had to find the number of the lyric stage door say to them i've got a mad woman who's now knocking on my window says she's going to be late for the show so i'm so sorry and i gave i gave him a pound coin i said i don't know what to pay you he said you don't know me i said here's your pound coin and then i started to run and i ran to gloucester road tube i got in the tube i had no money i didn't know how to do it I said you have to let me through so I somehow got through I got through and I ran and I think I made another person at the thing

at the station I said to somebody you have to buy me a ticket because I haven't bought a ticket and I don't know how to do it and they went surprised so I gave them the money I probably gave them 20 quid to get a ticket anyway the ticket eventually got out hammersmith i began to run down that big king street or something street it's called and waiting white-lipped at the door because this was now quarter to eight so the audience had been waiting for an hour and i was supposed to have been there at five to seven so i just ran straight in nobody was speaking everybody's very still and not very smooth like this and i just ran straight in. Nobody was speaking. Everybody was very still and very smooth like this. And I just ran straight through. They had my clothes there. I was ripping off clothes as I ran.

I got into my 1930s red dress. Hair didn't matter. Fuck it. Put on some red lipstick. Gave me the gun. I walked straight through. Bang, bang, bang. And the cast.

I mean, I tell you, the adrenaline was so huge that the play went. I think we lost 20 minutes from the play because everybody was being blah blah blah blah blah

oh you have fun don't you the feeling of terror of being late is almost the worst thing in the world me too now that Alice

is here and she's got a glass of champagne, she's got a glass of Bolly, I'd like to properly, formally introduce our guest tonight, which is Dame Joanna Dunley. I always forget that. How do you forget it? I'm so excited.

I can't tell you. I can't tell you. It was the most unexpected thing in the world. I was the proud owner of an OBE, which we call an Obi-Wan Kenobi. But I had an OBE and I thought, this is just like magic. Nothing could be finer than this. And OBE doesn't usually lead. CBE, which is a step up from that, is the one that leads to being a dame or a knight.

I always get mixed up with them. So MBE, OBE, CBE. That's the order they go. Oh, M is the first one. First one. Then OBE is the second one. Oh, then C. CBE is the next one.

And then if you're lucky, you're nodding to the next one. But did you start at MBE or did you just go straight to OBE? No, I just got an OBE. That was 1995, which was fabulous. And it was incredibly nice and incredibly charming. So when this letter arrived on the 4th of December so it was quite late my husband wasn't there because he was in Birmingham and I opened this letter which looked a little bit formal around

God there'll be something else I've left out another ticket or something a bill bill or something and anyway it said your name has been for put forward for a DBE and I burst into tears oh jesse i burst into tears because it was such a shock it was so it's not like your agent rings you up or your manager goes no joanna no baby you're gonna be a star you're gonna be a dome it's not like that you get a letter you get a letter from well from the honors. Do you think it was for your philanthropy, for the Gurkhas, or for your acting? They said it was for drama, entertainment, and charity. Oh, well, fantastic.

So that was the kindest little trio. That's the best. Because I would never have accepted it for charity. Because I think if you do good things, that's up to you whether you want to or not. Do you know what I mean? And my OBE was given to me for services want to or not do you know what i mean um and my obe was given to me for services to drama or entertainment or whatever it was but this when they put drama and entertainment i thought that was the kindest thing because it involves this yeah and it involves my

documentaries and and my writing things i write and stuff like that that's good now mum yes darling i'm feeling a little... Do you think you need to eat? I think you need to eat. Are we sticking with the champagne, as they say on Virgin First Class? What else do you like to eat? We've got white wine.

We've got a very nice white wine. We've got some nice red wine. We're going to keep going. What would you drink and what are we eating? We're eating... I don't really know how to describe it. She's such a pro. She's set up the introduction.

I don't even know how to describe it. She's such a pro. She's set up the introduction. I don't even know how to describe it. I have a very good friend called Anne Sweeney, and she makes delicious food. And this is something, it's kind of a bit like a pizza, but it's not a pizza. It's not a pizza, Mum. It's a pie in filo pastry. It's a filo pie.

A filo pie with lots of veggie things. And then there's a beetroot salad with yoghurt. And then there's an ordinary salad with, and there's some bread if you want some bread. I don't know what it's going to be like. I think a glass of red would be divine. Perfect. I'd love that.

I like the decisiveness, Joanna. It looked as though I was really concerned about what the food was. It's not that, I actually just love red wine. You just needed a way to be able to set it up. Yeah, no, I love red wine. And can I tell you about this bloody good one that Mum... Yeah, yeah.

I mean, like, Mum and I disagree on wines quite a lot, but this one... It's delicious. It's a cardigan. It's not cheap. It's £12. It's £12, but it's delish. Where is it from?

Languedoc. Chateau Sainte-Hélène. It's just very tasty. I'm going to tell my husband, who's... Is the word oenophile? O-E-N-O-P-H-I-L-E. It means somebody who's crazy mad about wine. Oh, really?

Knows about them, lays things down, reads about them. So does he have that app, the one that you photograph the wine and then everyone rates it? Oh, no, he doesn't. Oh, we need to get on that. Oh, don't let me tell him.

I will tell him. He'll get it. And then it's like, you see what the reviews are of this wine. And it's called, is it called Vinotech or something? It's called Vinotech. He probably is on it secretly. Hello, Table Manners listeners. I just wanted to let you know about my new podcast,

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Our last supper. Now, look, I love to start with something... I mean, you can tell already that it might be marginally a little bit tame for most people, my last supper. This is the toss-up. Is the Far East going to feature in this at all? Yeah.

OK, great. This is what I mean by a boring cook. It might be corn on the cob. I adore corn on the cob. I understand that. I just love it. Bit of butter on there?

Butter, salt, pepper. Lovely. And pretty much that. And eaten very disgustingly with it falling down your chin and just going rah, rah, rah, rah.

It's a nightmare for the teeth. Bad for the teeth. Yeah. So then, small little toothpick. It might have been a cheese souffle ooh

ooh a little Swiss cheese souffle so how like oh just a little tiny one which comes up like a chef's hat but like

where have you had a memorable cheese souffle because I'm sure there's many in the Walsley oh I love the Walsley oh I love it I love it

I feel so happy when I'm there me too I adore it I adore it and they make a cheese souffle that is absolutely heavenly. Is it? Okay, fine.

I'll have it next time. So worth having next time you're there. Because I like their avocado vinaigrette that they do there. I mean, it's really straightforward. I just love it. But that might be the third of my choices. Oh, okay. So when we come to this feast, I would allow...

Bits and bobs. Yeah. Then for the main course, it would have to include rice. It might actually be some sort of magical curry. It would have dal. It would have all the bits and pieces. It might be a curry from Nepal. It might be quite hot, some quite hot chili-ish things.

I adore all the bits that go on the side, which are like poppadoms and chapattis. And the lime pickles. All things you're not supposed to have. Lime pickle, mango chutney. Everything you can think of. I'm giving that to you first. And you're not supposed to.

Because I haven't cut it. Yeah, yeah, fine. I don't want to cut well one, darling, because I should destroy it in seconds. I like the idea. I also love Malaysian curries. I love the peanuts and the stuff like that. The satay. I love anything that's hot enough to need yoghurt and

you know, whatever it's called. So you like a condiment? You like a few little things? I like a little spread. A thali. I think I like a thali with some Malaysian bits in it. And then pudding? Sweet person much? No. Not bothered?

No, but I love, I wouldn't mind a little sour lemon mousse or a little, maybe a poached little pear or something like that. I don't, this is an awful thing to say, I don't really love chocolate. I don't like it when chocolate comes my way. I don't think that's an awful thing to say. What did you do tonight, Mum? I've done roasted plums. Oh, well, that'll be all right.

That's a bit like a poached plant. That's the thing. No, roasted plums oh well that's a bit like that's the thing no roasted plums is the business god that looks sensational it does have the a hint of domino's vegetarian supleen does it have to say and i do like that i do like it yes brilliant dressing for the salad yeah oil and balsamic that's divine divine, Hayley. Is that enough? Look at that. That's divine. So, I need to know, if you're really into your curries,

what's your takeaway curry place of choice? Do you get many takeaways? No. Do you go out for dinner a lot? No. We're literally the dullest and most unpleasant people you can imagine. We really are. We like having people round and forcing them to eat the fairly drab food we cook. But if we had to take away, we've got a good one on the South Lambeth Road whose name sadly I can't remember. They're fine. Have you always lived round there? For

a long time, no, for 30 years. Do you like it? I love it. Do you go to the Catston Arms? Or you don't go out? Canton Arms. Canton Arms. They are magic. They do wonderful pub food. They're sweethearts. And once when Randolph Fiennes and his team

had been doing some hellish things in Antarctica, trying to walk across it in the pitch dark of deep snow, and everything went ghastly. Anyway, six months out there, nightmare. When they came back, because I was one of the keen followers of and patrons of the expedition, I asked them around to lunch in our music room. We've got an old factory which has been converted

into a music room for Stephen's piano and harpsichord and keyboard and all those things and in there there's enough room to swing a cat it's like a kind of it's like a little school room really and I've got school room tables and I got Charlie from the Count on Arms I said think of a feast for homecoming sailors homecoming explorers and he did a slow cooked lamb I think and he did stuff that was food that they would never have got out of tins in Antarctica for six months. They adored it. And I devised a cocktail for this occasion.

I quite love a cocktail. I agree. That might come just before the first course. Aperitif. What's your cocktail? It'll be the Bond Martini. Oh, you shake and not stir. With gin or vodka? It would be with gin. And I think it's gin and vodka. With a twist? If you look up the Vespa, it would have a twist.

He doesn't have dirty. I like dirty. Is that with an olive? Yeah. Well, I wouldn't mind that. So you have it with a twist. Do you make cocktails at home? Stevie did the other night. We had a cocktail the other night. On the night of the Queen's accession. So that was February the 6th or something. Are you doing anything for the Jubilee?

I hope so. I don't know what yet. So you love the royals. You love them. Are you a monarchy? I love the Queen. I love the Queen. I think this country is a monarchy. And until it isn't, it is it is if you know what i mean so what we've got to do is to make

it work and if it doesn't work then we become a republic but we're not at the republic yet so it's no use just whining and carping and bang in the middle of it it's this extraordinary woman who knew she was going to be queen when she was 10 And that hung over her forever and ever. It's still her duty and her faith and what she believes in. And now she's 95 and doing the boxes every day. It's extraordinary. She's extraordinary. And people say, oh, she's got money, she's got this. You can't...

The book I've just written called A Queen for All Seasons, which is celebrating her for this time of Platinum Jubilee, which is a collection of writings about her from all kinds of people since time began. So from when she was very young up till now, people meeting her for the first time, pop stars, prime ministers, ordinary people in the street. God, that must have been fun to make.

It was great. The thing is that she's literally never stopped doing what she had to do. She's never called for days off. The very few times she's had to back out was when she's really too ill to go out. The rest of the time, on she's gone, on she's gone. Never complained. And never spoken about it, even when people wrote evil

things about her. Couldn't write back. Couldn't say anything back. Do you think that the Crown's depiction of her is quite accurate from your understanding, or do you? I don't watch it. Oh, don't you anything back. Do you think that the Crown's depiction of her is quite accurate from your understanding? I don't watch it. Oh, don't you? No. Because I know them.

I know the royal family. I know them. And it's awful to see people who, you know, with stuff being made up as if they said it, which they really didn't because it's made up. It's written by a scriptwriter. And people imagining how things went, which isn't what happened because we know it's made up, it's written by a scriptwriter, and people imagining how things went, which isn't what happened, because we know it's made up, that doesn't seem fair.

And if you knew somebody who was having that done to them and they couldn't answer back and say, this is bollocks, I don't feel good about watching it. And I know the actors are wonderful, and I think the presentation of it is, and it's scooped the world, and everybody's crazy mad about it,

but I don't want you. So you don't go out to eat that much? No, no. You have people over and you do cocktails. Jessie, it's too bloody busy. Yeah, you are quite busy. When are you going to, you're not going to stop, are you? It'll stop.

Why should she? It'll stop. It will never stop. No. One day when it stops, then I'll know it's the time. No, it won't stop for you at all. Because people adore you. I mean. But you're not, you're not a bit patsy, are you really? I'm a bit sad

to say. Why? I'm not sad. No, I know most people are sad. Because Patsy was so fabulous. Patsy was so fabulous. Patsy was so fabulous. But she was disgusting. You'd hate her here. She wouldn't eat if you started. But, I mean, I'm sure you're so bored of talking about absolutely fabulous. No, I'm not. I love it. I love it. Was it kind of...

I mean, how old were you when you were doing that? Forty-five? I don't know. Did it feel kind of like your most rock and roll period? Well, the thing was was that I'd always been a fool and a comedian. Only everybody, because I'd been a model, I was always put down for dull pretty girls who just did right things and so on. So suddenly to see this script coming through the post where I was utterly repellent and very very awful Well, it wasn't quite written like that to begin with.

Did you help shape that then? Yeah, and she's so generous she lets that happen. Who wrote it? Jennifer. Jennifer wrote it? Jennifer wrote it. A little bit tweaks here and there from Ruby who is just a genius. Yes she is. But when you did Patsy you shaped her into being this awful person who hated... No she was written... They were both written as repellent women. But it was lovely to be able to bring to Patsy the stuff I brought to her, because she wasn't really... She was chaotic.

Well, Jennifer was more chaotic. Jennifer was chaotic. Patsy was just an alley cat. She had no... She was like a kind of... She could live without any internal organs. She'd been a man at one stage in her life. She switched back.

She was gender fluid before it became popular. Of course she was. She was an extraordinary character. And she just sailed through life using other people's money and, you know, completely self-absorbed. It was her and Nadina, that's all she really cared about. It was quite an interesting kind of character. as it went on Jennifer writing and writing and loved that character of Patsy and wrote masses for Patsy

I loved the hair did you have a hair piece oh my god back the best hair Jennifer called it Mr. Whippy back it up with a spray and then tame it. But that was only once a week. You see, we did the shows you'd get the script on Monday, read through, Tuesday rehearse, Wednesday show it to the crew who have to get the cameras in the right places, Thursday do the outside

broadcasting bits of arriving in taxis or doing whatever you have to do. Friday block it again in the studio and then live show in front of the audience in the evening. Oh, wow. It was really hair-raising. Such good fun.

Hair-raising. It was fantastic. It was fantastic. And the audiences were great. Sometimes we had to almost stop recording because they'd get completely hysterical. It was wonderful. When do these shows, when do your ITV shows come out? I think they're coming out in maybe march i think and you got we talked about rome but you go to paris and berlin which which was your kind of most memorable trip i mean which one felt like you learned the most the one i knew the least about was berlin although I'd filmed there and been a model there. I adored Berlin.

Paris I'd known very well and loved very, very deeply. And Rome is just the eternal city. Which is gorgeous. Jessie, it's fantastic! I went first when I was 40, darling, so you've got a few years.

You've got a treat ahead of you because it cannot disappoint. Did you go to the Vatican? I did. And was the... And guess what? What? He didn't come out and give you... No. This was before dawn. I arrived there at 4.30 in the morning. I was let in secretly through the vast

waits to the Vatican Museum where I went with the keykeeper, a man called Signor Crea there are 2,707 keys to the Vatican Museum collection the Vatican Museum

and there is only one key to the Sistine Chapel and the Sistine Chapel key is kept behind a locked door behind a bunker behind a sealed door behind a bunker behind a sealed door behind a safe you open the safe and it gives you the key to another safe where you open it and every night the envelope containing the key to the vatican to the sistine chapel of the vatican it's sealed stamped, signed and I had it and we walked down this vast

I took it with me, I was in keep the key and off we went clinking and jangling torched it down these huge vast, got us mile after mile of treasures and delights and extraordinary brilliances and finally we got there and he said, he's here

and I said oh my god and just a big got there and he said, he's here. And I said, oh my God. And just a big dark door. He said, two turns to the left. So, and then the door went open. The torchlight. And suddenly you're in amongst me. My client is... Wow.

It's just amazing, isn't it? So that was one of the great, great treats. Do you ever bring your husband on can't no none of us do we're all married and none of us bring our people we can't how did you meet it's tiny it's tiny crew yeah of course how did you meet your husband through people i knew he was at school with the children the child of a people I knew who were sort of half a generation older than me and I'm eight years older than Stevie

so he was at school when I'd grown up and left and had Jamie with me on my lap and he was going to come out of school with this school friend of his who was their son and he never came and I thought how odd, I'm really disappointed that I'm not meeting a 13 year old boy who I've never heard of.

That's really odd. So then leave it. Ten years go by, and the son of the family is getting married and playing the organ. Of course, it's the brilliant musician Stephen Barlow, his best friend from school. So I met him there, but I was with somebody else, and he was just leaving Cambridge and flying high

and being very difficult, so apart again. And the third time we met, or the third appointment with fate, he was rehearsing. He knew where I lived, and out of the blue came a Christmas card saying, do you still live there? That's odd. So I wrote and said yes. He said, I'm rehearsing around the corner. Can I come and see you? And he came

and just talked at tea time and we just talked for three hours and that was it. It was kind of that. How old were you? I must have been about 37 by then. So you brought up Jamie on your own at the beginning? Yes, I did. I mean, on my own, you're never really on your own because you've got...

I had my beloved family, my mother and my father, and boyfriends, kind boyfriends who adored him and mostly one long-standing boyfriend who were great with him, and his own father who we always went to see and so on. So I was a single mother in what is not even worth recording nowadays. But in those days it was always a bit, ooh, you know, goodness, how can you manage that?

Did you go to finishing school? No. You didn't go to, and did you go train at Lucy Clayton? I went to Lucy Clayton, but you had to go there for a month and give them 12 guineas. It was a modelling school. It was a modelling school, but it was almost like a finishing school. No, it had a finishing school. My mother wanted me to go there for a month and give them 12 guineas it was a modeling school it was a modeling school and it was also a finishing school no it had a finishing school my mother wanted me to go so come and give us some good um lucy clayton manners table manners i didn't do that oh i did

the modeling thing there was a side of it which was actually the finishing school she had a finishing school and a modeling school this is what you don't do if you've probably gone to the finishing school yeah and then continue talking like that that's disgusting what you do i would know is that you take your napkin and put it on your lap put it on your lap and put your left bit of leg why your left i'll tell you later i've no idea i don't know darling i don't know then i'm going to show you a very okay thing to do from Lucy Clayton. What? Put your finger and do this? No, darling, no. What?

No, Josie, no. I'm just indicating my plate. Oh, right, I thought she was going to get in there and do it. Listen, I'm just indicating my plate. And I'm indicating my plate to show that I've left some on the plate. You have to leave some. Because it would be greedy. I usually don't. I usually eat it all up.

Because it's greedy if you eat it all up. And this is called leaving something for Mr Manners. Oh, shut up. No, no, no, sorry. Is that a thing? Suck it up. Oh, wow. Literally be there, Jessie.

You went for Mr Manners. There was no point in... Mr Manners ain't coming for dinner with me, I tell you that. There was no point in sending you, darling. Mr Manners, somebody said, well, let's scrape it all into a box and send it to Mr Manners it tastes alright it tastes good

it's divine the combination's nice I think it's divine yeah thank you I've got hiccups now you've got hiccups oh god

it's ok you probably need a bit more of this 15% oh no look I'll tell you this cocktail might hiccup slightly

this is just part of it's caring it's caring you like the strong alcohol you go for it yeah cocktail. I might take up slightly this is just part of it, it's caring and sharing You like the strong alcohol Yeah, but look, this is the cocktail I made, I saw that the Russian word for the ridges of snow

that freeze hard and become impossible to traverse with skis or sleighs they're called sastrugi they go up and down, up and down and they're like waves of the sea which are frozen hard. And they're murder to get through. You can't break them down and to drag stuff over it goes ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, ba-bum, like this. So I decided to make a cocktail called sastrugi. This is what it is. Bien simple, très simple à faire. Very simple to make.

I quite like a V-shaped glass. Yeah? Oh, I love that. A cocktail glass. Yeah, me too. In the bottom, put a little blue curacao. Okay. Fair.

I never thought I'd do with that. Just colour, darling. It's an extra colour, but it's got a bit of a kick to it. Fine. Blue curacao. Then you put a scoop of lemon sorbet. It's got to be shop-bought lemon sorbet, not smartly made by a chef's lemon sorbet.

It's got to be the stuff you buy from the freezer counter. And go, that looks like a lemon sorbet. I'll have that. Scoop of that. So make a heated spoon, put it in and blip that in. And then fill it to the top. With? With vodka. With with vodka it's got to be vodka it's russian and what happens is that the dark blue remains but it begins to stain the vodka

and then at the top sits this little slightly sweet block of ice which chills it right down do you know what i told you i made it up Who told you this? I made it up. Oh you made it up? Oh I made it up. Look what did you do here honey? Tell me what you did. I'll tell you what I did. I roasted them with honey and star anise. Then I removed the star anise because it's not very nice they look completely beautiful these are ripe little red plums yeah which are cut you've made them so that they they sit flat so you've cut a bottom off them no i haven't did they just go splodge like that they just went through so okay this is me saying they didn't just have their bottoms cut off but they're sitting very flatly looking absolutely, like little peachy.

What do they look like? I don't know. They look very nice when you make them. They look absolutely beautiful. And that's mascarpone with orange. And mascarpone with orange. Yeah, it's very nice. I need to talk to you about your lip colour.

It's really good. Yes, it is. What colour is this lip? Is it Charlotte Tilbury? Because. Walk of shame. No, it is. What colour is this lip? Is it a Charlotte Tilbury Walk of Shame? No, it isn't. But how funny.

This is several layers of old stuff I found in the cupboard. But the thing is, is that I've been doing, I've been on Zoom since this morning, 10 o'clock. So I put stuff on, then I put stuff more on. Then they've been doing the ponds and the garden. I had to do that. Then I had to do something. Then I had to do another Zoom with somebody else.

So each time I just put a layer of something else. And I go upstairs and, God, i look like an old cow or is this too dark and i put a bit more i just you look so sensational yeah so this is a mixture of lips a mixture mixture of lips um which none of which are expensive eyes are old i mean i can't tell you i use old stuff my lovely sarah, who's my Portuguese cleaner and helper, she's much younger than me, and she thinks I'm a darling old woman and takes care of me. And we went through all my old trunks and suitcases

because whatever I do jobs, people give me make-up. You get make-up, and you can't use it all. You can't use all this stuff. No, you can't. So it goes away, and it's lovely and lovely, but you don't need 17 different colours of red lipstick so they go into a thing sometimes i use it a bit sign it or put a thing with it and send it off to sometimes gay because they love the idea of having a patsy lipstick and sometimes they are the lipsticks i've used for patsy and so on

and so all those lovely things and you know but in the end you can't do it so she was helping me throw stuff out and it just uh it just reminded reminded me of how you tend to get a look that would kind of work for just being every day. Do you wear makeup every day? No, but if I'm to be on a Zoom or something, I do. So I don't... But this is you doing it yourself? Yeah.

But you're very... I was a model. I was a model. And in those days, modelling meant you did your own hair, your nails, you were your own accessorizer, you provided all your clothes, your jewelry, makeup, you did your eyelashes, you did your wigs and hair, hair styling. How long did you model for? Three years.

But it's kind of come back to haunt me because in those days, to be a model was the most shameful thing in the world if you wanted to be an actress. Yes, it was. A model, I'm sorry, you can't learn lines and you go well i was doing shakespeare school they go no no useless so i fought for the first 10 years of my life desperately trying to get parts which i could to show that i could do anything but having been a model was fatal now having been a model everybody thinks you're Models themselves are paid a king's ransom. We were poor as rags.

Paid nothing. Nothing. And that was fine. It didn't make me feel sad. But looking now at people saying, even 25 years ago, I wouldn't get out of bed for less than 10 grand. You go, what? In three years, if I was lucky enough to have earned 10 grand, you know?

So anyway, different times, different times. But you do look fantastic. Well, I put layers of makeup on, darling. I start quite early and I start... Layer it on. Layer it on. I do not. So what's next?

Next, next, properly huge next will be another vast travel, which is back to my beloved faraway lands. Where? So this will start at the Banda Islands, which are just by, they're just northwest of New Guinea, and it's called the Spice Route,

and it's following spices. Oh, my God. So all across Indonesia, to Singapore, then across to Sri Lanka, down to Mauritius, across to Zanzibar, up through the Red Sea, to Jordan, and then into Alexandria. Wow. Oh, how wonderful wonderful and that's

starting in september going on till christmas wow how exciting what adventures yeah and joanna what is your least favorite table manner or do you think you firstly do you think you've got good table of course she did she went to lucy bloodyton. But she did the modelling. But my ma taught me quite good table manners. So I think I've got good-ish table manners. And when I'm in the polite society, I'm as anxious as everybody else, thinking, should I put... But I know that when you...

These are the things I know. I don't always do them. You cut your foot. I just want to put in for the moment, in this podcast, at that moment I started talking, Jessie yawned. No, I'm so worried.

She yawned hugely. That's because I have three children. A huge yawn. It's the old, old Jessie. Listen, I'm never up at nine. That is not good table. I'm so sorry. I've got three children.

I'll wall that stuff later in. Jessie, I can't harp on about three bloody children. Look, darling, put your knife and fork down when you've put the mouthful in your mouth. Don't speak with your mouth full. Don't blow your nose on your napkin. Always get up and help the hostess, if it's that kind of thing. You've got servants. Don't blow on your food.

Don't blow on your food. Well, you can do that. No, my sister-in-law says you can't. Why? Remember, she shouted at Alec, she said it's not done. So what do you do? Just sit and wait? Just wait till it cools down.

And if you're eating, which you won't now because it's long gone, with the Queen Mother, start very quickly because she eats like the wind. Scoff, scoff, scoff. Once she's put her knife and fork down, you can't eat anymore. You're kidding me. What? Not the Queen. The Queen Mother, because it's rude. So you've got to eat.

And as she's served first and it's fast. And she ate quickly. So what you've got to do is to pick the whole lot up and just scoop it straight in and swallow it down. You'd be all right, Jess. I would have done really well. I eat fast. You eat fast. She's a very fast eater. He ate quickly. So what you've got to do is to pick the whole lot up and just scoop it straight in and swallow it down. You'd be all right, Jess. I would have done really well. Do you eat fast? She's a very fast eater.

Dame Joanna Lumley. Goodbye. No, please stay, but thank you so much for doing this. I've so loved it. I'm really glad. I've loved it. We've never had a Dame before. I don't think we have.

No, I don't think we have. Ever. No. Not even had a... Oh, we've had Sir Paul McCartney I don't think we have no we haven't ever no not even had a oh we've had Sir Paul McCartney and Sir Don James small fry come on

not like a dame there is nothing like a dame nothing in the world Well, Mum, Joanna Lumley is a... Just darling. She's just darling. She's just a dream, actually. She was better than... I don't know, I thought she was going to be fantastic,

but she was just gorgeous and lovely. Absolutely fabulous. fabulous, darling. She was just warm, wonderful, very classy, well-mannered, funny. Wanted her to be my friend. She was just so lovely. And Jessie, the one thing I can just say, she was so beautiful. Just so fantastic. In real life, she was better than she is on telly.

I just really loved her. Me too. And absolute honour to have Dame Joanna Lumley in our house cooking for her. It was like having royalty. I feel like if you'd served up a Ritz cracker. She would have gone, it's gorgeous darling. The best Ritz Cracker

I've ever eaten in my life. What is this glorious thing you've just fed me? I know you weren't impressed with the food. I liked it. I've just been picky at it. Well of course you pick at anything Jessie. You pick at peanuts. You can just call me the Queen Mother now. Thank you so much to Dame Joanna Lumley.

What an honour. Go and check out her new TV show. Go and read the book if you're a fan of the queen um thank you for listening and we'll see you next Thank you.