Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S3 Ep 2: My Dad Wrote A Porno

Episode Date: June 6, 2018

Alice, Jamie & James from My Dad Wrote a Porno... what a riot we had! I’m surprised we managed to record a podcast at all. This evening reminded me so much of the dinners we used to have at my mum's growing up - everyone howling with laughter and staying until the wee hours. So wee that mum left hours before we finished recording. If you’ve listened to MDWAP you’ll know what to expect: adult themes, sexual content and strong language. Basically all the good stuff. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

We're unable to sit down and do an intro so we're doing it from the kitchen because we are still cooking. This is a pretty big one. Not too much, not too much. Piss off. This is a pretty... Two teas! Shut up! That's enough.

Shit, mate. Olive oil. This is quite a big one. We've got kind of podcast royalty coming over. How many? One, two, three. Enough. They are a trio who were made famous by one of their dad's literature, racy literature. It's Jamie, James and Alice of My Dad Wrote Porno. And I feel like we're idiots for not doing more innuendos with this menu, Mum. Can you just massage?

Oh. Oh. We aren't currently massaging the kale, to be fair. Yeah. We aren't currently massaging the kale, to be fair. We've done a rather retro dessert to kind of be in keeping with Belinda Blumenthal's sesquiped tits. How can her tits be retro? But yeah, it's a very hot day outside, so we've gone for cold food tonight.

I have to say, I've pickled my own carrots and done my own interpretation of a dish that I had on holiday. However, I do think it needs some nuts, so I'm going to put pumpkin seeds on and don't care. It's not going to be mine. All right, I'll put sunflower seeds on because I've got sunflower seeds. Mum, you've done one of my favourite dishes that you do for people when they come over. What?

Your rare roast beef with parmesan and rocket It's a winner I should have made something for shavuot, which is today, and you traditionally eat cheesecake And I should have done it, but I didn't realise Explain what shavuot is I don't know really Bad you, bad you You eat cheesecake

Well, we're not eating cheesecake we're eating another favourite of mine which is your trifle which nobody's had and we thought it was quite yeah retro as Rocky Flintstone

likes to kind of does he like a trifle well he doesn't include mobile phones or anything like because I think he's writing it in the kind of 70s

it's brilliant well they wear braziers braziers they say. And what was it? Tits hung like pomegranates. And they had brassier strains. I did find some

stuff quite graphic and I only listened to two episodes and thought, better stop. You realise that My Dad Wrote a Porno is one of the most successful podcasts ever made? Yeah, you told me. We've got a lot to do before we reach there. We're not getting into pornography, Doug.

That's it, forget it. I draw the line. I'm sorry. The following episode of Table Manners contains strong language, adult themes, sexual content, basically all the good stuff. Woo-hoo!

Yes, I love it. We're going to get so many listeners. I know. We have podcast royalty in Dalston right now. Yeah. We have My Dad Wrote a Porno. Thank you so much for coming over. Thank you for having us. This is so exciting.

Mum? I don't know what you want me to say. You're doing it. No, bloody hell. Sorry. Who are these people cluttering up my daughter's home? I don't know.

You didn't really know about My Dad Wrote a Porno. No, I didn't know anything. Except I did listen to three episodes yesterday. Did you? Oh, that's good. What a day. Did he really write it or do you write it? Look at me.

Strange. And also, Lenny put her specs on for that. So you could just spec take off. I am living in a state of just absolute. I mean, I can't even walk down the street properly. I've got a drinking problem. I'm overeating. I even walk down the street properly. I've got a drinking problem. I'm overeating. I've changed as a human being because my dad actually wrote it.

I mean, you couldn't make this up. Come on. I always think that's flattering. Yeah, I'd be writing an HBO special. Wouldn't that be the ultimate pastiche? Yeah. And there's some stuff in there that is so mad. Well, I thought it might be a Joachim Phoenix kind of film.

What? Joachim Phoenix. Do you like that? Say jalapenos to him. Are we having chayia tonight? Chayia. I thought it might be, you know, where he kind of double bluffs you. What was that last film?

Yeah, where he double... Yeah, well, that would work, except that my dad still doesn't know why the podcast is successful or funny. Is he still writing? Oh, we can't stop him. We've tried. Has he been published? He's been self-published

but we did write a spin-off book so technically, annoyingly, he is a published author. His book is in the British Library soon to be burnt down. Rocky Flintstone. Oh, it's my daughter. Thanks.

Well done, Dad. So, are you allowed to say what he does as a job or did as a job? Flintstones thanks well done dad so what are you allowed to say what he does as a job or did as a job well he's now a full time pornographic writer

of course Britain's leading erotic writer he probably is which is worrying so yeah so my dad he was a builder

right father of four got three sisters happily married where did you grow up Manchester you're lead you're lead though Alice aren't you we all went to Leeds University but we're not of four, got three sisters, happily married. Where did you grow up? Manchester. You're red so Alice aren't you?

We all went to Leeds University but we're not. Oh you're not? He's a red. And then he retired and then started writing porn. Which I think was because he was bored. But then when the first season of A Dad Wrote A Porno came out and he was like, great you're doing a podcast

fantastic he's from Northern Ireland oh okay got it didn't know how to get that didn't know how to get that going to New York I kind of got it

yeah no care and then so he was just like because the success kind of happened immediately with the show and so he was like oh people like

a bit of Rocky and then he just stopped being my dad stopped being my mum's husband and was Rocky constantly do you think they can I ask do you think they were

having far more sex I'd say far less I mean would you sleep with a porn baron I don't know I'd be like are you right about this

and also if his writings don't get anything to go by he's never had sex and I'm definitely the milkman's son so I don't know no so he's better now he's kind of he's never had sex. And I'm definitely the milkman's son. So, I don't know. No, so he's better now.

He's kind of, he's found a good balance. So a Northern Irish Protestant. Yeah. Same as you. My dad is Northern Irish. Right. But we're Jewish. But my dad was from Northern Ireland.

Mum was like, obviously Belinda's Jewish. They're all Jewish. Well, her surname's Blumenthal. Yeah. Blumenthal. So, why was she Blumenthal? I think because that's because of Heston. Had he been out with a Jewish woman? Naughty Jewish. Oh, Heston Blumenthal. Because. Blumenthal. Why was she Blumenthal? Had he been out with a Jewish woman?

In the North East US. It's because she worked in the Pots and Pans business. I think that's why. Context. Historical context. I get it. She's going to take over Little Chef any day. Is the Pots and Pans industry dominated by Jewish sales directors?

I mean, we dominate everyone, don't we? I don't think Heston Blumenthal's Jewish is he? Oh god. Oh is he not? What? I don't think he is. He's a Charlton. No. He doesn't look bloody Jewish. No he doesn't look Jewish. Is that his stage name then? No I think he just maybe is German or something. You know he's you know he's named after the service station that's what I heard. No. There's an area called Heston. There's a service station. No there's a there's a service station no there's a there's a service station called Heston

wait do you think that Little Chef by Heston Blumenthal you realise that came about after he became a chef he's not named after Little Chef no I know

but his mother I heard his mother named him after this could be completely wrong why were they conceived at the service

maybe maybe I made this up. How do you all know each other? We all went to university together in Leeds like 13 years ago now. What did you study? I did history, Alice did English. I'm the dunce, I did cinema. Cinema?

Films. Films. No, doesn't your dad say films? Films, absolutely. And does he say modern? Modern and films and patron. he say modern? Modern and philums and patron. What's modern? Modern.

He mainly just says... Philum. Clits and boobs. So just obviously everyone knows who these people are, but so Alice is a Radio 1 presenter, DJ, presenter, everything. Lifestyle. DJ would be misleading. Has your own homeware, second homeware, Brandon, coming out in ceramic soon?

With your Jackson and Levina. Do you need any plates? Not great. I do, absolutely. And what else do you do? You do design for clothes. Yeah. Well, yeah.

Yeah, sure. And Jamie, what do you do when you're not reading out your dad's? Well, I only do that now. I am now a professional son of a monogamist. Right. But, no, me and James both work in TV. Do you? Yeah, James was just nominated for a BAFTA. Oh my God!

That's awesome! Thank you! So it was a new category this year for Short Form and it was a show called Eating With My Ex where two exes have dinner and talk about their old relationship. Nice. It didn't win, unfortunately. We lost to... But you did win.

He's a total loser. That's a good person. Yeah, we lost to Sharon Horgan and Morgana, so I didn't feel so bad. Okay, sorry. And it was nice to go and put a suit on. Was it fun? Yeah, dress up. Yeah, exactly.

Great. Yeah, so I actually worked with James quite a lot. I edited Eating With My Ex and stuff. Oh, okay. God, you can't do without each other. They can't get enough of each other. Yeah, we kind of see each other every day. It's worrying.

Yeah. So I know that it was discussed over a Christmas dinner together with university friends, right? Whose idea was this? Alice. L-Town. Well, you brought it to us.

I did, because I thought it was hilarious. And I had to share it with my friends, otherwise I would go slowly insane trying to repress it. But then Alice became worryingly obsessed with it. But you get so frustrated with it though, babe. Oh, I know, because it's so bad. And also because I think I...

You're Simon Cowell. She's so mean to my dad. I'm kind of the big Rocky defender. You are very defensive. I have to. I was an evangelist about it though. He's still my dad, Alan. No, I know, and I do forget do forget that and actually when i see him because we do see him quite a lot i feel really awful because i'm like and he's like alice you gave me a really good going over

in that last episode i can't do this so um that was really good okay that's better it's going a bit more scottish he does he does listen to it now every episode oh about 100 times per episode you can't stop him from listening. No, not really. His main notes are about how he's quite, because obviously he's very business minded. I mean, you've heard some of the podcasts. It's really, the books are. Meetings, adventures.

Yeah, it's half erotic novel, half business manual. So he's got lots of ideas about ways we can make money. He wants there to be a theme park. Wow, like a swingers theme park. Or like everyone has to take their clothes off in the maze. Not a million miles away from you, Lenny, actually. Where? He wants it in Tooting.

He wants to just knock down half of Tooting. He wants to turn the back into a theme park, a Belinda Blunt theme park. You know, like dodge them, but in the shape of clits. And, you know, keep your hands and feet in the clitoris. You're not even joking. Well, kind of. No, I mean, we're joking that we're humouring it

obviously we're like yes it's going in the notepad it's true but he's it's all gone to his head he's got ambitions yeah fair enough to be fair

he has created a world that people are legitimately obsessed with because I used to work with E.L. James did you? yeah

and I tried to make this happen that we'd get Rocky Flintstone and E.L. James in the same room She won't do the fucking podcast Why?

What's she like? She's private She's threatened by my dad That's what it is She knows that he's worse than her And she had that mantle all by herself Jessie used to sit next to her I used to work at Love Productions

Was she writing Fifty Shades of Grey? Yes At work? Mate As a PM? And we did it to Jessie. No. She used to send it to me over the like, over the desk.

Oh my God. So did you give notes? I, she, it wasn't Fifty Shades. It was the one that's going to come out now. Right. So even though she wrote it first. But I was like, Jesus Christ. This is like 9.30 on a Tuesday.

Jessie said the lady who sits next to me has written a kind of pornographic novel. And I said, oh, what's it called? And she told me, and I said, Jessie, it's everywhere. And you could download it on Kindle. You couldn't buy it, but you could download it at the beginning. Because I think she self-published. Yeah, she did. She did.

She started the whole self-publishing thing. I was absolutely shocked when I read it. It was Rocky-inspired by E.L. James' success. Not-publishing thing, actually. I was absolutely shocked when I read it. So it was Rocky inspired by E.L. James' success? Not the work. The success, yes. He heard that she'd made loads of money and hasn't bothered reading it. Of course it's 50 Colours of Grey.

Has no clue. Absolutely no clue. No research into his chosen profession at all. But yeah, he heard that it was huge and thought, I can do that. Turns out he can't. But also kind of has. Yeah, I was going to say he can do that turns out he can't well but also kind of has yeah I was going to say

he can I mean he can't I mean it's not going to be at Hay Literary Festival is it he's not you might be we were at Cheltenham

we went to Cheltenham they didn't know what hit them honestly they were not our people can I because you've started touring it

you've sold out the Sydney Opera House you've sold out Royal Albert, because you've started touring it. You've sold out the Sydney Opera House. You've sold out Royal Albert Hall. Yeah. You've toured the States. Yeah. I mean, basically, you've got more touring than I've ever had as a singer. Out of how many?

There's four novels, five novels? Four novels. Three seasons. We start season four in August. End of August. So you're touring and I just want to, because I haven't been able to come to a show. You need to come.

I absolutely will. But like, how does it work? Because you've obviously got quite enthusiastic people that want to talk about Belinda's pomegranate tits. Is it question and answer? Oh, that would be opening ourselves up to the wolves. So you just discuss discuss you do exactly what you do on the podcast but live yeah it's the essence of that yeah so we have a chapter that you

can only hear live which is a chapter that shockingly rocky felt wasn't good enough for the books which is an eye-watering thought that they're yeah quite many quite he is just like you say he's just a constant stream of writing. He's just sending us stuff all the time. Where does it all come from? Was he repressed in the church or something? I mean, he's a Northern Irish Protestant, so absolutely. Yeah, Northern Irish Protestant, yeah.

He used to do, him and his little brother used to do competitions at the local church of gospel recitals. And my dad knew every single gospel. They were like the champion boys in the whole of armagh yeah this is what happened yeah and so i think that's probably made him overly sexually minded in his in his latter years um so how's your mother dealing with this because i know she she doesn't let but how's it going for her she kind of in reaping the benefits of kind of you know that what's what's going her she kind of in reaping the benefits of kind of you know that what's what's going on do you mean by reaping the benefits in the bedroom does she

seem happier and jamie looked really shocked that's the part i'm like obviously um but um no she's very in love i mean you have to imagine that that's going on they are very well exactly how could it not be Lenny now he just calls it research oh okay

they're doing some research upstairs so we should yeah um she's fine she was weird with it to begin with obviously

um but now you know like my dad bought her a car her first ever car which is really sweet that he called Belinda it's pitt money

yeah actually called the car Belinda and It's pint money. Yeah, literally. Called the car Belinda. And then he actually, he... Dirty, quite literally dirty money. Yeah. The car that Paul bought, yeah. And mum wanted to redo the hall for years. And so my dad did that for her.

That's lovely. But... Painted a large penis on the wall. It wasn't quite what she wanted I mean you joke Al basically he put this really lovely Laura Ashley

wallpaper up that was just covered in pomegranates oh fuck and because my mum doesn't listen to the podcast she didn't know what that meant

for about six months she thought it was lovely did he do it as an in-joke? yes of course he did he's a rocky because he's an absolute rogue. You're naughty. He's just trolling your mum

at any opportunity. Every time she walked into her own home she was just in a shrine to my dad's home. I quite like to go to Manchester.

I like to sit in front of a wall and make a... Oh my god, imagine. Next time you're there. Where do you live? Where do you live? I actually don't...

We actually don't live in Manchester anymore so I can tell you I grew up in Altrincham. Did you? I actually don't, we actually don't live in Manchester anymore so I can tell you, I grew up in Altrincham. Did you? Altrincham. Hale.

Mum it will be like, I just went to Detroit. Very posh. I just went to Detroit and it will be like the Motown Museum. It will! Yes! I couldn't imagine! Hitsville! It will be Clitsville!

Clitsville! We've got a name! To Clitsville. To Clitsville. Yeah. Cheers. Well done. Cheers. Well done. Yeah, Clipsville! We've got a name! To Clipsville. To Clipsville. Cheers. Well done.

Never thought that would be so easy. Who said this wasn't a brainstorming session? So there's the name of the theme park as well. Great. Okay, meeting adjourned. Thanks guys. What I want to know is that are you trying more things at home when you're having sex because of Rocky Flintstone? Oh gosh! Has anyone bought a leather dildo?

I was going to say what on earth would you try? Someone did buy us a butt plug in the shape of a horse's tail, which James still has actually in his room. Which I've never opened Lenny, don't look at me like that! I'm very broad minded. Yeah exactly! it's still sealed in the case thank you

do you get lots of presents from fans and is it all kind of pornographic and from Anne Summers people not so much presents but people do share

a lot oh I love that yeah people do share so people have had it as their the podcast as their birthing track as a mother

can you imagine that playing as you're trying to... What, like any particular episode? Well, I think anything. Or just get the baby out quickly. Make some laugh releases endorphins. Oh, maybe. Make some laugh. Is that good?

I watched Zootopia for exactly that reason. I was like... You watched Zootopia? Oh, God, I must laugh. Must make this work. I would have thought that that would tense... Like, you would tense up laughing. No, it's supposed to release these hormones.

Instead, you don't want adrenaline. So you want to just feel like you're laughing and relaxing. Oh, mellow. So actually, I kind of understand why they'd go with my dad. Although it is quite stressful. His books are quite stressful. I get very stressed, really. That's why I drink.

I'm not sure that you would want your baby, there would be the first words that you hear. Fuck off! I don't know exactly. Quite. maybe they would be the first words that you hear. Fuck off! I don't know exactly. Quite. So he sent me the book. Just me.

I've got three sisters. They'd never heard of it. Mum had never heard of it. Of course they wouldn't send it to them. Right. And then, and I just went, I was like, why would dad send me his pornography?

Oh, I know why. Because he's a fucking wind-up merchant and has always tried to kind of, you know, get under my skin. Like how your dad does. He loves that we're shocked by stuff.

He definitely revels in the fact that there's some stuff that we're like, Rocky, where did that come from? No, what, like the penis enlargement

in Brazil? Yeah, I mean, was it even enlarged or was it just wrapped in pesto pastry? It was just recreated, I think. A reconstructed

sausage roll or something. Yeah. Jim Sterling. Jim Sterling went Who had loads of pubic hair. A nest. A nest destructive role. Yeah, it was Jim Sterling. Jim Sterling went to the hospital. Who had loads of pubic hair. A nest, basically a nest. The one thing, the penis was fine,

the amount of pubic hair, disgusting. Once you took that away, Yes, he's not into that. He took the normal size. He made it into what it was. Yeah, the people that have- And massive thumbs. Sorry, go on.

Yes. I forget what we've embellished and what's real. Yeah, for the people that don't know it, a guy called Jim went to the Amazon basin where they apparently do a lot of... The Amazon? No, you go to Rio. Yeah, I know.

Somewhere where they clean their implements of surgery, hopefully. Yeah, but everyone's having their penis enlarged there. Sorry, what? In the Amazon basin. It's the centre of plastic surgery. The Amazon? Shut up. Rio.

Oh, yeah, Rio, yeah. Jim went to the Amazon, Mum. Why did he go. The Amazon? No, Rio. Oh, yeah, Rio, yeah. You went to the Amazon, Mum. I did go to the Amazon. Oh, Rocky. My dad lives in Brazil half the year. Does he? Yeah, he absolutely does. Are you lying to me?

No, no, my mum and dad live in Brazil half the year. Rocky or your dad? Well, they are the same person. Okay, yeah, but okay. He's Rocky on steroids in Brazil, actually. They've got houses all over the world. He's an international player. Mum, this is what a podcast can do for you. I wouldn got houses all over the world. He's an international player. This is what a podcast can do for you.

I wouldn't say all over the world. Oh, this is pretty podcast. They're just very canny. Jamie's mum and dad are very shrewd business people. But you told me he just redecorated a hall. This didn't sound like major scale. It was a mansion in Rio. Lenny's unimpressed.

No. Sounds like a two-up, two-down to me. Yeah. I spent all of my childhood in different countries why because they would buy like a wreck

and then all the family would because he's a builder so he's a builder he taught I'm a plasterer by trade are you

yeah self-taught need anything skimming if you know what I mean ladies bit of pointing anything done guys I can help you out and then all my

sisters would like help do up the houses as a family we'd go from like country to country house to house okay so they live in Brazil

some of the year yeah so that was part of the research which bit can't say north east south or west north why are people like

stalking Rocky well have you got some stalkers we don't like to say too much about him. Because of Jamie's mum as well. And also my dad's mum. As much as he loves it, he is also a 60-odd-year-old guy

who likes to put Twitter away and just be in the garden and having a beer with my mum. Because he wrote these books anonymously. He chose a pen name for a reason. He deliberately didn't want to be outed. And had no intention of them becoming one. Yeah, so we kind of took them and have made them into this.

So out of respect for him and my mum. On a smaller scale, actually, I think, rather than just like, oh, because lots of people have heard it, I think on a smaller scale for him, like the neighbours know him. Not even like they not know, yeah. Well, he's a man of two minds.

I feel like there's neighbours that he doesn't want to know, but then if we take him out in London for dinner, he's there with his business cards that he's had made. We have to show you one. They're incredible. Okay, we should do it. Is it Rocky Flintstone? Wait till you see this.

Give one to Lenny too. Of course. Oh, they're quite small. Wow. They're a bit like a fortune cookie. Flintstone Rocky at Gmail. Flip it over, Lenny. Flip it over. Ohny, flip it over.

Oh my god in hell. It's a signature with a boob. It's signed. They're signed by Rocky. Your dad is wild. Lenny is I think she might be choking. Close my mouth. Fucking hell.

She's got quite a bod, the naked lady. She really does. We don't know if that's Belinda That was me in leaner days We should talk about food A little bit Yes of course I do No but

Does Rocky eat? Anything but What's in front of him Oh stop it You are Oh mum Oh my god You said

Shush I thought you said anything! You've got a dirty mind. Honey, how do you know about that? Who have you been talking to? I don't know anything. Mum. Jess. You said, oh my god, you said you didn't...

You're a disgusting. I heard it. I did not say that word. You said a worse word so we should it I think we should probably eat

before we keep on drinking and cackling which we're having the best time ever we should have done in hindsight a more innuendoed dinner

yeah you know we should have done puttanesca we know that she loves her bolognese she does Becky

producer Becky suggested Toad in the Hole. Oh, great. Sorry, you're not getting it. You're getting rare roast beef on a bed of rocket and parmesan. We've got, it's hot outside. That's lovely. We've also got a potato salad.

I massaged kale for a long time. That was part of, yeah, I mean, that was a little. That's the most pornographic thing about the meal. Yeah, that's saucy. But I'm really happy that you're going to get my mum's trifle. We thought that was quite 70s. Oh my dad loves a trifle. And it's

just really good. No nonsense but we thought, you know, Belinda would enjoy that. Of course. But so we've got lots of kind of cold bits and bobs. I have tried something out which is inspired by this whilst on tour in copenhagen um the most amazing food and they just kind of it's so beautiful this place that we played at vega they have this in-house chef who worked with

paul cunningham anyway he did this amazing pickled carrot, pickled roasted carrot salad. And I've tried to remember what it was, but I drank quite a lot on that tour. So I can't remember all of it. So I've incorporated some of it. Anyway, so it's going to be a bit of a bit of this and a bit of that. Can I tweet? Yes, please, please. Okay. Please help yourself.

Thank you. Thank you so much. Isn't it incredible? It's legit amazing. Thank you. Thank you so much. This looks amazing. Isn't it incredible? Perfect. Absolutely gorgeous. So this is the asparagus one. You'd better start with the potatoes.

I better had. Oh, I don't know. I kind of made this up. No, but basically potato plus mayonnaise or yogurt. When we used to live in France, my mum used to make an amazing hot potato salad. Oh, yeah? How would she do it? So she would do the potatoes and then while they were still warm she'd add

the grained mustard and some lemon some lemon, some mayo and then some mint from the garden and it literally was crack. We used to have these insanely long six hour long lunches in our garden in France. Which was crack. Because we used to have these insanely long, like six hour long lunches in our garden

in France. Wow. Which was amazing. So are your family foodies? All of you. There you go, cheers. Yeah, massive, massive foodies. Oh, Jessie said, oh, Alice is a particularly big foodie. I didn't know about the rest of you though. Alice is like a massive foodie. Yeah, and that really frightened me Alice has supper clubs and a cookbook but you know foodie sort of has connotations of being a bit food snobby doesn't it

my brother made dinner for me last night and we had oven chips shop bought fish cakes and broccoli it was amazing and also being cooked for is amazing and actually I don't always really care what it is. And when we've talked about the way that we cook for supper clubs, obviously food's really important.

But if you're having a shit night, you can have the nicest food in the world. If it's really boring... Alice, have you got meat? I have, yeah, thank you. I've got a little stack there. Thanks. Yeah, if it's a crap night, you don. I've got a little stack there, thanks. Yeah, if it's a crap night, you don't go home going, it was such great food.

Nevermind the atmosphere. Like the atmosphere was crap, but the food was amazing. Yeah, you're right. It only forms part of it, doesn't it? So, okay, Alice has brought a fizzy, a fizzy natural wine, are we saying? I don't think this one's natural, but it's a fizzy red wine, which is quite unusual.

And you chill it. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers.

Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. Cheers. I think it's very berry-y. No one had loads of sparkling red wine. Ukraine. Oh, when you were being in terms. When we went there, do you remember? Not famed for their wine. I like to think this is nicer than mine.

This is obviously a very high-end version of that. I don't feel like Lenny's convinced. She said interesting, which always means shit. No, it doesn't. It means I've never tasted it before. Al, you've gone to, what, Borough Wines for this? I did, yeah. Thank you both. Well, because I've had something like this in a restaurant.

Which restaurant? We like to shout them out because then we get free meals. Campania and Sons, which I know you like. Love, love, love. On Columbia Road in East London. And it was so nice. And my boyfriend was drinking beer. And you know when suddenly you're like, I should have got a bottle because I've now

had so many glasses that I've rendered it entirely pointless but Laura Jackson who I do the supper clubs with she introduced me to it she's like when you go to Campania you have to have the fizzy red wine and it is really good delicious it really is so I tried to copy that but I don't really know a lot about wine and I mean I know wine that I like the taste of but I don't I don't have wine theory in my repertoire but I wish I could wine that I like the taste of but I don't have wine theory in my repertoire. But I wish I could be that person who looks down the list and go, oh they've got a 2006 Pinot Noir with notes of Cameroon. I know but I'm exactly the same.

I go as far as New Zealand Sauvignon Blanc. I go as far as does it taste like Ribena. This is so good. It's delicious. This is my favourite kind of food when it's salads and meat, you know, like all served, like you get to have a bit of everything. Yeah, I mean, we definitely don't under-cater, as you can see. I think I should have massaged my kale in the food.

Oh mum, nobody's judging. Levine. They've not had the trifle yet oh sorry but can we just can we just say the mains oh my god

so good you can cook for us beautiful you can cook for us whenever the steak the beef like that did you like it

delicious the meat slicer that's the key no I thought you had a really really steady hand with a knife no I did think that

took me bloody half an hour to do it with the meat slicer. So what... Good investment. Will you show it to me later? I haven't got it here, my meat slicer. Did you pre-slice? I brought it. I cut it at home and brought it here.

But Jessie did buy good meat. It was nice tasting. It was delicious. Thank you, meat in 16. And... Thank you. As a potato salad fan, I can say... That was good.

Honestly. Thank you, Beau. I kind of made fan I can say that was good honestly thank you Beau I kind of made that up so that was cool can we please ask we like to ask you've listened to the podcast we like to ask

what kind of people would have as their death row meal it's been sorry we won't call it that we'll call it final meal

final meal or desert island meal before you have to go away can we ask what yours would be? We could go through all three of you, or we could choose what Belinda's would be, or Rocky Flintstone's. Yeah, what would your dad's be?

Not your dad's, Rocky's. I feel like the foods he mentions in the books are the best way of understanding what kind of foods he likes. So he loves turkey sandwiches. He uses that as an aphrodisiac. He's obsessed with turkey. It's a melatonin, though. It puts you to sleep. It's basically with turkey. It's a melatonin though. It puts you to sleep.

It's so spicy. Roofing. Melatonin in turkey? Turkey's a melatonin. Is that true? It's got melatonin in it. Honestly. It's like bananas and turkey.

Jessie, how did you know that? I don't know. I was probably like googling jet lag remedy. Jessie's going to drop more wine, darling. Oh, here we go. All right, Lenny. I knew Lenny would Whooo! Whooo! I knew Lenny would get on that red for one!

The fizzy one's gone because we enjoyed it so much. Do you want my glass? Hold on, you have my glass. No, I don't need your glass, Jonny. Coca-Cola and red wine is a treat. That's gone down so well. Sorry! Coca-Cola and red wine, this is the good stuff. This is three for ten. It tastes like cherry cola a little bit. Anyway, so...

Blue cheese fish mousse is another big one in the book. Three for ten. It tastes like cherry cola a little bit. Anyway, so... Blue cheese fish mousse is another big one in the book. Oh, my... Blue cheese fish mousse. That's not right for a porno. I'm definitely going to make that. Nick Hall brought us the ingredients to make it when he came round. I'm going to make that.

He literally brought us fish, blue cheese and mousse. No, Nicholas is up to no good with mousse. No good. He's like, oh, you found my award-winning combination. He knows his culinary delights. Blue cheese fish mousse. No, Nicholas is up to no good with mousse. No good. He's like, oh, you found my award winning combination. He knows his culinary delights. Blue cheese fish mousse. Gross. I know, disgusting.

No, I think it probably works. A lady on that, the best of the home cooks thing made a tagliatelle with fish and some blue cheese. Oh. Oh, there you go. Maybe it's not so bad.

I don't think it's so bad. I think like maybe Rocky got it from like one of your, does your mum have cookbooks oh yeah bazillions yeah but he wouldn't read them

he can't read I should mention that oh yeah sorry he can only write he just thought what's posh he thought blue cheese and fish mousse

and then he just forced them together but I think it's one of those bonkers 70s cookbooks that have the you know the first colour cookbooks when there's like

a flash on it and everything's in in that gelatin yeah I feel like it's from that so it's blue cheese fish he would love a turkey sandwich my dad just my my dad um gets my mum to buy three turkeys at christmas so he can have everyone loves sandwiches we love it i could get on with you me too yeah yeah oh my god he would love it he would not the thing about Rocky is he would not

disappoint in real life he is kind of what you expect this is putting you on the spot Jesse but for the next record that you record

do you need a harmonica wrist because he plays the harmonica yeah he's great in the harmonica I think it's worth having him on

what like Stevie he is he's more Bob Dylan a bit more sombre he's more he's more Alanis. Turn my music, it's miserable. If there was ever some melancholy you'd get on great.

Maybe not for the disco album. Back to dinner. Sorry. I'm trying to do a podcast. Okay, so dessert. Does Rocky have a dessert? This is his last meal. He's having fish mousse with blue cheese. I'd have turkey sandwich. With cranberry stuffing? This is his last meal, he's having fish mousse with blue cheese.

I'd have turkey sandwich. With what, with cranberry stuffing? Stuffing but no cranberry sauce, he's not into that. Doesn't mix sweet and savoury. Butter, he was quite specific about the butter. Loads of butter, so both slices of white have to be buttered. And then put together with the old turkey. We actually have the recipe for his favourite turkey sandwich,

which is basically butter and turkey and bread. And salt. And salt. In the book. I get that. But we actually said to him, oh, can you write down, there must be real specifics about this turkey sandwich

that you've written about in the novel. Don't say novel. In the mad string of words. In the collection of words, yeah. Can you write them down for us and then we can put them in the kind of spoof book that we wrote. He went to meticulous levels of detail

to write it out for us. It's essentially bread, turkey, salt and butter. I mean, there's not any... No frills. Super simple. He was like, I shouldn't really tell you the secret recipe. The secret is stock, butter.

So what's dessert? Dessert. I was going to say, what is dessert? I feel like your dad's a sweet tooth. My dad has a huge sweet tooth. Has there been anything in the books? Do you know what he loves? This is real, my dad.

He can't get enough of Ile Flottante. Ile Flottante? What is that? It's like uncooked meringue that you put on a kind of custard. Yeah, a floating island. Is it Eiffel? Oh yeah, Ile Flottante. Sorry, my accent wasn't there. No, it's yellower. Yeah, a floating island. Is it a creme anglaise? Oh yeah, eau flottante. Sorry, eau flottante.

Sorry, my accent wasn't there. No, it's yellower. Yeah, it is yellower. We should have done something like that.

But it's yellower than creme anglaise. Is creme anglaise French or English? French, I guess. Oh yeah. Never thought about that.

It's a French's crack at the English custard. And who makes in the eau flottante? Can we all stop saying eau flottante? Floating island. When we were kids, we used to, you know, when you'd get the Eurostar or the ferry, at the English custard. And who makes in the Il Floton? Can we all stop saying Il Floton? Floating Island. When we were kids

we used to, you know when you'd get the Eurostar or the Ferry, the Sally, the Sally Ferry, do you remember that? Back home.

We'd go to Flunch. Excuse me? Ever been to Flunch? What's Flunch? So Flunch is in Calais. It's that kind of like, it's a little chef essentially. Yeah, a chain.

But it was like a lovely big buffet. Flunch, yeah. Delicious food. We had steak haché. But it was like a lovely big buffet. Slush, yeah. Delicious food. We had steak haché. We'd have... Stop saying French food. We'd have like some potato rosti.

We'd have... We'd almost have... How do you say beurre? There'd be some raclette. There'd be... Stop it. They'd have pied de montée. Pied de montée.

Which is a French potato salad, as you know. Pied de montaigne, which is a French potato salad as you know. They'd have all sorts. And Dan would always finish off his meal. Would you have salad? Because we'd have, they'd be confit de canard. I'm going to slap you. The thing is they always have the same stuff on every French menu literally it's always the same salat cahigordine

yeah stop it onion would they have calabacé this is literally my childhood sauce

sauce sauce sauce onion this could go on forever but I feel like I need to wrap it up so we can

really gossip get some trifle out for god's sake you fool when do we do the table manners bit oh yeah sorry we'll do the table manners thing I'm really gossiping. Get some trifle out for God's sake, you fool. Oh trifle, you fool. When do we do the table manners bit? Oh yeah, sorry, we'll do the table manners thing. But we would get Alice.

Is it Rocky or Alice? I mean, Alice wants to play. No, we've all prepped our own. I said to them, this is so square, before we came I was like, and don't forget boys, we have to have our table manners. And what we don't think is a good table manner, okay? Be prepared. Okay, Alice, you first.

Okay, I'm so glad you asked. So, I don't know if you've done this one. I don't think you have, but I think this is not so much in like a house setting, in a restaurant when they're too attentive. Yes. So annoying. Just like, all the way, they're like flies. I mean, it's really nice, obviously,

when they're like topping up your water, which I always think is a good sign of a good restaurant because you're paying for water. I haven't given you any water. That's why I'm so dramatic. I see that as a good sign of a good host because you're paying for your water. I haven't given you any water. That's why there's no drinking water. I see that as a good sign of a good coast. I'm so hyped, this is, I mean, you know.

Good luck cycling home, Bex. I've never seen Alice so drunk in my whole life. She gets drunk about this on her birthday, that's it. The deepest sleep. This is more than I've ever drunk in one sitting in my whole life, but anyway. Yeah, the, yeah, I think it's a good sign when they top up your water in a restaurant

because you don't pay for it, so it's kind of like. But not when they're filling your glass up till you're so drunk't pay for it so it's kind of like but not when they're filling your glass up till you're so drunk no yeah I want to know how much is going in there but also if you're having

like a kind of I don't know a deep and meaningful or like intimate chat and they're like constantly at you like oh just checking if it was alright oh just checking out

it's like it's fine it's totally fine you'd know if it wasn't you'd know go to California do your Alice do your

fuck off fuck off and I do say that I think that's completely fair No I don't But Did you find that in America Well they're very

They drive you mad They want praise a lot Don't they They want that 25% But also They take your plate away Very un-European

This is my Take all my money Before they take your plate away Yes Before everyone has finished. They've started doing that here. No. The reason they've stopped them. Yeah, they have stopped them. The reason that James notices is because... Because I'm the drinker. Fastest eater. James eats so quickly. I don't know if you noticed. Oh, I don't expose me. No, no, Jessie does too. Fuck off, mum.

You can't, no one shares with Jessie. Jessie says, oh, let's get a sharing plate. But we can't because she's eaten it all before. Thank you. Is that what you do? I am with you. I don't agree with the word sharing at the dinner table.

James, no matter where we go, if it's a fancy restaurant, he'll start with a nachos chaser just to line the stomach wherever we go. You're so slim. I know. He used to eat a lot more than you.

I eat slowly, but I just don't stop eating. That's why I'm the most rotund person. I eat fast and I don't stop eating. Ever. Mine's the opposite of Alice, actually. Oh, God. And you've been very good tonight.

Oh, yes. When people don't top up your wine when you're around someone's house, and you have to ask, or you have to... Oh, you're so kind, thank God. And you've been amazing. Really? You are so amazing. Oh, an empty glass, thank you. No,'ve been amazing. Really? Oh, hold on.

I'll have an empty glass, thank you. No, no, just a minute. It's because I want the juice. Okay, right, let's have some dessert. Yes. Because it's all getting a bit debauched and drunk. This looks amazing. I feel like trifling.

It's just ordinary. Is this your kind of go-to dessert? No, it's not really. She just likes it. It's just I like it and I thought it was quite 70s for the link during the... I love it. Yes. ...during the...

I feel like... All right, Lenny, you're getting sassy. Someone's driving us. I'm not driving. I'm driving. I It's just I like it, and I thought it was quite 70s for Belinda. I love it. I think styling would really help. I feel like... All right, Lenny, getting sassy. Someone's driving home. I've been on my legs all day doing this.

Yeah, isn't it exhausting? It's not fabulous. It's very ordinary, but everyone seems to like it. Do you ever think, though, when Jessie says, oh, we've got so-and-so coming, you're like, I can't really be bothered. Yes. Every time.

Every time. She's so lucky I'm here she's like Naomi Campbell won't get out of bed will you help yourself I'd love to

I feel like Rocky should incorporate a trifle into I think there was a trifle I was going to say I'm amazed he hasn't

no there was what was that they had trifle at that posh dinner they did season 2 no season 3 season 3 this is so on the money sorry I'm not up to date they at that posh dinner. They did season two. No, season three. This is so on the money. Sorry, I'm not up to date.

They had a posh dinner at the Duchess's house and they had defrosted chicken Kievs and trifles. It's so good. Defrosted chicken Kievs. Is he just having a laugh with everyone? He lives a very full and active life. He's very, very happy. Stop it.

Sorry. No, yeah, he's a very happy, jolly Irish person. I love it in Brazil. Oh, yeah, and he loves wearing his Hawaiian shirts. He's always holding a drink in his hand. The food is so good in Brazil. Isn't it? Carne de sol.

My favourite. Sorry, are you going to bust some... You've got to say foreign words. Are you going to bust some Portuguese out? Sorry, how did you know that? Okay, so carne de sol is beef that they dry out in the sun over days and days and days. Oh, carne de sol. Sorry, I didn't hear you.

Carne de sol, yeah. Alice, you may be a foodie in East London, but there's a world out there. You know what I'm saying? It's amazing. It's simple. Yeah, it's very easy. Yeah, it's so effective. Oh my God. Babe Yeah it's very easy Yeah it's so effective Oh my god Babe It's like a Michael Haneke movie

It's tinned raspberries No it's not It's got a tiny bit of sherry This is what I do love about my mum She does like Do a tinned raspberry With fresh raspberries And the custard she dries

You put it outside don't you To dry Oh no you wouldn't have done that today custard to salt custard to salt what do you mean you put it out to dry all of your Brazilian fans are going to be switching off saying they are such

for this time, rocking our national dish I love Brazil, can't wait to play there please let me play there obrigado you actually have to go there but don't worry about it. It's just very easily put. When does the next season start? Monday, August the 27th.

My dad wrote a porno. Thank you so much for coming over. Thank you for having us. Thanks for having us. It's about 12 o'clock at night and mum went home two hours ago. However, my dad wrote a porno. The trio are quite the chatters, as are we. So we've just been nattering for the last two hours

over more wine i have to say my wine was shit in comparison to the darling alice levine's a fizzy red wine what i nearly lost my voice i've got to write a song tomorrow um we had a right old gas mum's not doing the outro with me because well mum does what the fuck she wants she's naomi campbell she won't get up for more than 10 grand per episode. That's a lie. We're not making any money. But yeah, thank you so much for listening.

If you got to the end, this was such fun. Their joy de vivre, as Jamie would say, is completely infectious. And I don't think I've giggled like that for so long. And for somebody who was very unsure of why one would make a podcast about a porno, which was my mother while she massaged that cow, she was completely in love with them. It was just exactly how I remember dinners at my mum's and new people meeting her and us just having a right old chinwag.

They are brilliant. I'm so impressed with what they've done with their podcast and how they've kind of built this huge brand but completely on their own terms and in such a funny way and shout out to rocky flintstone we've got you know this is this couldn't really happen without old rocky flintstone so um we'd love to have you on the show rocky if you'd like to be on it but in the meantime we will settle for the darling trio that is My Dad Wrote a Porno Jamie, Alice and James

thank you so much for listening we will see you very soon the music you've been listening to is by Pete Fraser and Peter Duffy