Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S3 Ep 8: Alan Carr

Episode Date: July 18, 2018

Alan Carr. We knew we were in for a treat but could this be our funniest guest yet?! From the moment he walked in discussing his farm animals' sexual exploits, to his eventual 'Come Dine with Me' scoring of 1/10 for us - my GOD we laughed. And drunk. This was such a pleasure to listen back to and I hope you enjoy it too!Produced by Alice Williams Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

The following episode of Table Manners contains strong language, adult themes, sexual content, basically all the good stuff. Hello and welcome to Table Manners. My name is Jessie Ware and I am a singer from South London and I've decided to do a podcast with my mum, who's now the rising star of the podcast. The rambunctious. Is it rambunctious or rambunctious that's how they describe me i don't know you should know that's what you are as the guardian did they call you unruly that's what it said the definition of rambunctious unruly i think that's pretty accurate to be honest yes uh guardian kindly put us in the top 50 uh best podcast out there so thanks so much guardian um and they called my mum rambunctious which really pissed her off so just keep it coming really um mum we have a good one tonight very exciting you've really annoyed me You've annoyed me By putting Love Island on

While we were prepping the food I was on a flight last night And I didn't get to catch up Forgive me, the whole nation is watching it It might save some of your brain cells By not catching up darling Mum, it's about switching off sometimes Yeah, switch off

Switch it off For sure Mum, if we can get Danny and Jack on this show I won't be doing it. Unless they come in swimming costumes. Game on. I think they'd be absolutely fine, especially in this heat. They probably are.

It is sweltering in London at the moment. And I don't want to complain because I love this hot weather. But it feels like it needs to rain, especially today. And mum, you've been fasting today today which I don't think you've ever done why have you been fasting I've been fasting darling because one of my veneers came out the front tooth the front tooth always a good look had it very good look I look like a pirate yesterday I was charged an exorbitant amount to stick it back in and the lady said don't have any food that eat let it settle set for 24 hours so i haven't eaten i had some raspberries with some yogurt and that's all i've had so that's why you're in such a bad

mood no that's not the only reason why what else has happened love island oh mum shut up anyway i'd like to ask our guests what he thinks about Love Island. I bet he doesn't watch it. So why have you decided to do lamb tonight when that could absolutely knock the veneer out? I'll eat to it at the back. Okay, fair enough. Cut it up some more. Who have we got on Table Manners today? The fantabulous Alan Carr.

So Alan Carr is a comedian. Everyone knows him. He's very funny. He had a TV show called Chatty Man. Used to offer up kind of foul looking but fabulous cocktails that would be like kind of blue or like fluorescent orange. And do you remember? Whenever they'd sit down, he'd make them a drink.

So I feel like he really started the kind of host with the most attitude. Which, you know, I feel like Table Manners has been very inspired by. I put some Prosecco in the fridge to make an Aperol Spritzer if he fancied. Maybe we can see if he fancies that, or maybe we'll want blue... I haven't got very much ice for Alice. Blue, what's it? Blue Caracal? Carousel? Curacao. Curacao.

The wind is blowing outside, thank God. So if you can hear the breeze it's because we have the windows open what's on the menu tonight it's a lamb with an almond sauce and it's got to be cooked at the last minute didn't think this one through um because i've got to sear the lamb for about seven minutes and then put it in a 220 degree oven it's going to heat up the lovely perfect for this uh weather um alan i'm sure won't mind he's really lovely i've met him if you know he's come to a lot of my shows he's always there dancing on the balcony with his fabulous friends um in fact i'm gonna have to let him down gently that my uh daughter was not named

after him, even though he suggested it at one of the gigs that he came to when I was about six months pregnant. He said, have you thought about calling the baby Alan? So sorry, Alan. I wonder if he's going to have children because he got married recently. Yeah, I think we should ask him about the wedding. The wedding. Alan Carr coming up on Table Manners.

Hi. Hi, love. Hi. Hi. I've never come south of the river. You don't have black cabs, do you? Oh, come on. I hear you like Malbec.

Yeah, love it. You've got a bloody tan. Do you want something cool first, like a rose? Yeah, well, no, I am driving at the other end of the train journey. You know, I live in Sussex. I come up from Sussex. Sussex? No!

I've got a farm in Sussex. Let me get my contact lenses out. Yeah. A farm? Yeah. Do you have animals? Yeah, loads of them. You're joking.

22 sheep, 3 cows, 2 horses, 7 alpacas. Shut up. 2 pygmy goats, 2 angora goats. Yeah. I just, I did not know that you're a farmer now. No, I'm not a farmer, Bob. He's not a farmer. We just re-own stuff.

But do you, like, produce milk and eggs? No, no, we don't do anything. Even the alpaca wall just sits there. But you could have, like, a farm shop, the car farm shop. Well, I bumped into Chrissy Hind, you know. Did you? This is how little I know. What do you mean you bumped into her?

The vegetarian. Yes, the militant. Yes. Yes. Well, I said, oh, I've got three cows. And then she went, can I take your details? So she took my details. And then I realized they're bulls.

So she was like, I mean, I'd try and milk one of those. Why don't you tell that bit? I know. You've just got one big udder. Do they have udders? No, no. Just a big ball.

But the thing is, once you stop, they start sucking on the tea, they then start sucking each other off. You're kidding. And then people are thinking,

you know who is sucking who off the two cows straight in they do that because they're so sucking on the teats they love it honestly it gives you so much power and i and the eyes are rolling back in their head and of course when you take the teat away they just go i need something to suck on i mean you could imagine you can imagine some farm hands you know in the countryside might get a bit disgusting but i'm not like that you're pleased to know national treasure and all that so well we're in with the bank thank you alan carr for being here my pleasure and schlepping all the way from sussex i know i know i wouldn't miss it for the world thank you for having me why did you decide on sussex well it's my partner's farm you see i'm

a townie he's a farmer you see oh really yeah so i'm like city boy so you've made a sacrifice yeah i have but we have the best time because of course we have the i live in london and then we go down there so we have the best of both worlds. How long have you been there for? Five years. Oh, my God. Yeah, I've been with him for 10. And then he's sort of always been involved in horses and riding and stuff like that. And we both love animals.

And then we, yeah, it's the most useless farm ever. But I love it. And you know what? It's the most relaxing thing ever. Really? With that many animals? Yeah. Do you have, it's the most relaxing thing ever. Really? With that many animals? Yeah. Do you have like people helping you?

We've got a man who lives in a cabin on the farm. He helps. Oh my God. Amazing. That's like, I mean, okay. So my husband wants to do the move to the countryside. Yeah. And I'm too much of a townie.

Yeah. So did you like ease your way into it? Well, listen, i go down there i enjoy it and then like you're ready three days in i'm gagging for espresso martini do you know what i mean and he like you know and he i have to sometimes drag him up to london he hates london but you know i just want to see him in trousers that haven't got an elasticated waist and smelling of shit. I mean, you just smell of shit. That's all you do. And it's all death.

And then the stupid sheep, you go into the field and they run off. You come back in wearing the same outfit, holding a bucket, they run towards you. They're not terribly bright, are they? And do you know what?

When we got the cows, because I can't eat, you've got lamb. I can eat lamb. I've got lamb. I'll give lambs fine but you know what when you said no no i'm fine i'm fine but when we had the lambs i was like oh put me off lamb but cows are thick as shit i thought oh my god i'll never eat a burger again

or have mince pigs are too bright isn't it i know but you see the neighbors i can't start it's only a small farm i can't have like a load of beans Excuse me, does your partner wear Crocs? Yes I love Crocs They love Crocs, the country people But the thing is, I I sometimes pop his Crocs on because I'm lazy to go and like

muck out. Don't let standards drop Well listen love, you know the holes in them you treading cow shit, then that goes in the holes so then you're sort of making shit tagliatelle Well, listen, love, you know the holes in them. You tread in cow shit, then that goes in the holes. So then you're sort of making shit tagliatelle. It's just sort of moulded out. Just where you're hunters. I mean, so, you know, even in this kind of weather,

you're like, oh, can't be... You know, I'm getting to that age where bending down to put wellies on, and I'm not born to wear wellies. But then I've learnt my lesson, and then, you know, you get, like, cow shit in between your toes when you're wearing Birkenstocks. Alan, can I just say something? You look so young.

You're joking. No. I haven't got my glasses on. Oh, don't spoil it. Don't spoil it. Your skin is beautiful. Your skin is good. You look gorgeous.

You look much younger than I thought you were. Everyone says that. Everyone says that. But do you know, when I was up until 22, I had psoriasis. You know, all over. You know, singing detective. And I wonder whether, because you know your skin just regenerates quicker when you've got psoriasis. It's been like a peel.

Yeah, I think it is. I mean, the first half of my life, it looked like I'd been dipped in Alpen. It was so flaky. And then you'll be in your mini and you'll put like the old blower on it's like a snow globe but um so hobbin did like like you've got dewy skin like it's glowy it's dewy and i don't put anything on it so when did it go nothing it just went well you know the old greek thing you know your body changes every seven years no i don't know this oh my god your ears change shape every seven years i didn't know that the greeks say and your whole everything changed you rejuvenate every

seven years and it stopped when i was 21 when i started getting migraines at 14 and then it all sort of goes in within the sevens for me and then the psoriasis just stopped at 21 oh so it's seven year cycle yeah i think it's a seven-year cycle. Yeah, I think it's a seven-year cycle. But you change. And I feel I've changed every seven years. So what happened at 28? I got gangrene.

No. I go, well, I'm trying to think of an illness that would be quite politically correct. No, it's just funny, isn't it? Just seven years for me. You look gorgeous. me oh that's very sweet really handsome can we talk about the wedding at all of course you can because i feel like everyone kind of knows about the wedding yes was that a bit of an accident or is it just kind of like well we had oh you know i'm sure we'd love to know more yes of course but the thing is i just don't want to get into the well all i talk about is Adele but I mean we told no no I know I know we told her we're going to get married and she went oh my god I want to do the special day I said okay okay that's fine and she went and I also want

to marry you I said oh my god I said that you really don't have to do that she went no i am i am you know she's like she reminds me of one of my sheep and and so yeah we got um we had it in her back garden in los angeles in los angeles how many people came me her a partner and two of our friends who live down the road there really intimate pinks guitarist and um and then a backing singer, Claire, who's a gorgeous singer. She sings with Tina Turner and Taylor Swift and everything. And so it was just magical when we went there and she'd got a man playing a grand piano in her back garden,

this massive wall of roses, fresh roses, everything. And it was just the best. And then she just the best. And then she just did the vows and then she sang our song. And then the car, a limo turns up outside. We've just married on and we all get in there. And then we go to this private jet and we fly to see Celine Dion.

Shut up. I know. Did you not know about any of this? No, I didn't know. And then she takes us to this Michelin-starred restaurant in a private room. And I said, listen, I said, right, right, Adela, I'm paying for this now. I'm paying for this. Too late.

I said, no, come on, come on. Let me pay for that. And she wouldn't have any. She's the most generous, loveliest person ever. And then, of course, as you know, I've drank and ate the whole day. You know, blotchy, typical like that. So even though I have got amazing skin the whole day you know blotchy typical like that so even though I have got amazing skin sometimes it does go blotchy and so I'm like oh we're in this I was holding room backstage and then there's the Celine Dion merchandising yeah oh I can't wait to get so get

the leggings on Celine Dion leggings she doesn't leggings I get the hoodie is she on the leggings yeah yeah yeah I got the got the hoodie and the hat on you're going way out yeah i'm like yeah yeah honeymoon here i come so i go oh i'm so relaxed so i've got all my suit me carry a bag lovely i'm relaxed to watch this concert then adele goes come on then let's go and uh let's go and get and then as we turn the corner we go into this room the curtain comes down. Celine Dion goes, I believe congratulations are in order. Because that's what she sounds like, a Bond villain.

And I went, oh, my God, you never told me you were meeting her. And I am top to toe in Celine Dion merchandise. And you know when someone starts talking to you like, hello, have you come far? I'm like, no, this isn't what it looks like. I have got married and I'm not a stalker or a mad fan. I mean, I look like proper bucket list, you know. Oh my God. This is my life.

Make a wish. Yeah, I know. That's when he felt like, oh, I am a super fan. But she was so lovely. It was just the most amazing. What's your favourite Celine Dion song? Oh, I like all of them. What's the one?

Oh, all by myself, don't want to be. Yes, I have Yes All in the mouth In the mouth That one She hits the notes Yeah And she was spot on You had a surprise wedding

That's kind of amazing You didn't You weren't in control of it at all No no And she did it all And you know She sat us down with a clipboard I'm like JLo in the wedding plan Flowers Tick tick She just did it all and um you know she sat us down with a clipboard i'm like jlo in the wedding plan

flowers tick tick then she just did it all and you know it was yeah she's just the best i love it a bit have you been on your honeymoon yet yes we went to mexico was it nice yes carbo oh that's where that mom went to carbo it's not proper jennifer Anston goes she likes it we went yeah Rancho Pescadero we went to oh it was just about an hour away because carbo itself is some of it is a bit oh yeah spring break isn't it yeah yeah especially down by the harbour yeah by the harbour it's like people it's a bit like Magaluf down by the harbour oh is it like yards of drinks and things yeah yeah because all the people go on spring break from university but the rest is beautiful coastline oh it's gorgeous and it's all being built up now so i wonder what it'd be like because i have been to proper mexico

why is that not proper mexico then well it's resortorts. Okay, got it. Still gorgeous and stuff, but I've done the old Mexico City, Oaxaca, Palenque, Tulum, and Isla Mejeres. I've been all there. Oh, me too. I love it there. It's great. Lovely, isn't it?

Did you like Tulum? Well, no, I went in there. So what holiday have I ever been in? No, why? Did you get Montezuma's Revenge? Montezuma's Revenge. We all got that. Well, me and Hannah got that.

I shat myself on an Inca ruin. Honest. Honest. And then... It's unstoppable, really. I know, you can't. The shit. You can't not get it.

Oh, you can't. And then we stayed at the Hotel Capri. It's as shit as it sounds. And they refused to give me more toilet paper. I know. Plus no... No, no, no. I said, please. No no plus no electricity oh i was having

to pay the baker to use the electricity for my curlers i said that they told me they came and accosted me no frizz that's a good name of a... Shits and frizz. A biography of shits and frizz. They came and they said, take your plug out now. No. And I said, I'm a 64-year-old woman. I can't go around like this. And it was slightly depressing because the lighting is very dim

because it's all eco-LED. Everyone looks a bit miserable. Well, hold on. How long ago did you go to Tulum? Well, this is 1999 Oh crikey This is what I'm saying My friend said to me

I want to get away I said we paid two dollars for a hut On the beach I know love You've got the sun rising over the Inca ruin I said it's the most majestic Apparently now it's all resorts It's all resorts and people doing

yoga in bikini bodys but you still can't get blue paper to shit with, even now it's all eco, you're only allowed two pieces and communal shitting rooms communal lavatories communal lavatories

it comes to something when the Incas probably have got more adaptive, you know you know what I mean? About Aztecs probably had it better than us. Why are we going backwards? I don't know. Did you study anthropology or something? Funny you should say that. No.

Anthropology? How did, what? What did you do when you left school? Oh, worked in a course centre. I did drama and theatre studies, but I had no range. I had no range. And so I was just on the bit where moving furniture around in a black body stocking in the break

and selling programmes and painting, then wondering why you never got spotted. Hoping for the big part. I know, hoping some Hollywood producer. And it was at Middlesex, which has a good... The acting course is brilliant but the drama and theater studies was rubbish but have you done acting since no no how did you get into comedy isn't that the weird thing with stand-up i did that film called nativity which

is on every christmas along with carry on camping and i was the voice of seagull number one in spongebob squarepants last year with antonio bandera perfect i know but isn't it funny how even if i'd studied acting i would never have got that far i would never have been in two feature films i mean crap parts i get it but seagull number one is really important better than seagull number two and seagull number three and i had a song to sing which i can't really remember i know and so i was really naive they went oh you're performing with antonio bandera so of course Seagull number three. And I had a song to sing, which I can't really remember. There you go. I know. And so I was really naive. They went, oh, you're performing with Antonio Banderas.

Is he gorgeous? Well, of course, I turn up there with my Evita box set for him to sign. And the man went, obviously, Antonio filmed his bit separately in LA. I'm like, of course he did. Of course. I'm like, oh, shit. So I'm like, spent like half an afternoon going. Sego number one.

So how did you get into stand up? Did everyone just say you're really funny, Alan? Everyone's, not everyone, that sounds, not everyone said that. At school, people laughed at me, not with me. I was one of those kids. Oh, hello, like this. I never knew I got the shock of my life um and I can't describe it was like a punch in the stomach I watched um a video of me doing a performance on stage well who's this person I saw I was like oh

hello and on your zip I was always doing the teapot. Oh, flapping around. Limp riff. Oh, shut up. I went, no wonder people are calling me bender. I mean, because I didn't know I was like that. And then you watch it and you go. What do you mean you didn't know?

I didn't know. Because, of course, I had the big old, I sat everyone down and said, look, mum and dad, there's something I've got to tell you. I'm not like other boys. And your mum and dad are mouthing it back to you. Oh, my God. So is that what happened?

Yeah, there was no shock or surprise. Everyone was like, hmm. How old were you when you came out? Last year. Does your husband know? No, no, he sits down at the farm. He doesn't know. What happens on the farm stays on the farm.

Then I had a really crap job at Barclay Card in a call centre. I would have loved to have you on the end of my phone. I bet you were nice to people you weren't mean. I was nice. And if they weren't paying the thing, I used to, you know, because I used to override it for a month, you know, no interest. Really? You can do that?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to go back there well i hope not there's something that at least this podcast ruins my career no it won't it'll only enhance it darling and um yes i used to do that and then um i just started telling people about working in a call center so this is so funny and then my friend put me forward for this bbc new comedian the year award in manchester 2001 and i ended up winning it at the edinburgh festival and then my friend put me forward for this bbc new comedian of the year award in manchester 2001 and i ended up winning it at the edinburgh festival and then once you got that award then

next year went back to edinburgh did some shows so yeah and it's all like that really it's all a bit of luck and a bit of hard work what are you doing now what am i doing now yeah got loads of things on the go i'm going to stand up-up tour next year. Really? Yeah. Arenas? No, I did arenas. You've done arenas? I didn't like arenas. I shouldn't think it's hard to do. I feel like theatres would be so much more fun, right?

They're more me. And I know it seems like, you know, it was an itch I needed to scratch. Michael McIntyre, Lee Evans, everyone was doing arenas, so I did it. You don't get anyone looking at you they're looking at the screen even people 5D Pim people don't realise that you're just getting a side, I need the eye contact and also I feel

my act is very gossipy very chatty and I just really feel it's not musical but it's got that vein in it, that kind of sending yourself up and those theatres you know, I started my last tour in margate and it's the second oldest theater in england and it's just 17 20 or something so i'm telling you don't one of those that old yeah old and you're just feeling so when are you going

on tour next year i'm at that really eggy stage of turning up unannounced at um at pubs and clubs i mean pubs that do stand up not just you still do hello everyone i've got a joke are you a man walks into the bar do you write your own jokes yes yes oh you do how hard is that to know it's not hard for him no he's so funny oh you are sweet but like no because when when you're just chatting and it's just flowing is that different to when you go you go right okay i'm going to sit myself down i'm going to think of a funny thing like i can't even understand it never comes it comes when you're walking the dog it comes when you put the bins out you know you have your day right turning the phone off nine till five i'm going to write a new comedy show and you're just sucking on the end of a pencil you just thought of a pencil then you start

watching Bargain Hunt and Jeremy Kyle the next thing you know it's Sky at Night please we're going to ask you something that's been a bone of contention Jesse watches that program Love Island do you watch it I didn't think you would I even have the

the drink I'm an idiot. I bought this shit. You bought it? I bought three for my husband and my best mate. And my husband will not... Anybody who's called Sam, I'll send it to you because he won't fucking use it.

So yeah. Sam. Do you watch it? Please say you don't. Last series, I watched it intensely. Don't judge me. I can't judge my time. And then

I can't invest that much time in it So I haven't even bothered getting into this one So you don't know who they are No I don't I know Gemma Because I've just been looking in the newspapers That's it for you Alan I know

Mum you say it so loudly Offer some meat to him Like Alan would Offer some meat to him. Like, Alan, would you like some meat? I would love some meat. And what would you like? Like pinky or less pink? Whatever. Maybe less pink.

Okay, I'm going to try and find you some. There's loads of less pink, darling, around here. Would you like to do it, backseat driver? No. I just know better than you. Oh, right, just fucking do it then. Make sure you get the sauce, darling. seat driver. I just know better than you. Oh, I just fucking do it. What was that podcast you were saying about the red wine?

Someone was using it on Come Dine With Me to make the jus. Oh, Chateau Neuf du Pat? Yeah. Why would you do that? I was like, you, I mean, that is very extravagant. I know, it is, isn't it? Well, he was like, I don't think he won, actually. I don't think he was very good.

I hope his jus, I'm sure his jus was good. But what gets me about Come Dine With Me, those people who go, well, I've never done it before, so I'm going to give it a try for you fucking idiots. Try it and taste, test it. Yeah. What would be your dish that you would serve to people, then? Well, I can't cook. Oh, really?

No, my behalf is the most... Well, I'm a winner, then. Go on, darling. Do you want some lamb's lettuce? Mum, I have to say, you bitch about my presentation, but that's a shocking presentation. Was you a dinner lady in a past life? There you go.

Oh, that's lovely. Right on the top there, a bit of garnish. So you wouldn't cook, you just don't cook? Well, do you see that controversial episode where the woman was getting the Indian takeaway put through her kitchen window? No, I haven't, but I kind of love and respect her for that. Yeah, she was a really crap cook,

and then they were just delivering it through the window. Amazing. Did she win? No, well, she had to be disqualified. One of the women came in, oh, can I help you wash up? And then she realised there was no plates and nothing, and then to be disqualified. One of the women came in, oh, can I help you wash up? And then she realised there was no plates and nothing. And then it still didn't. But yeah, I mean, I am crap.

I mean, I'm a very basic cook. Very basic. Is your husband? He's the best. He's a great cook. He's one of those ones who opens the fridge, there's an egg, half a pepper and a courgette. And then, da-dum, it's amazing. That's the sort of husband you need.

I know, love. We're looking for one. What, is it hard to find good restaurants in the, like, local village that you're at? Or is it kind of, have you got some good ones? Well, it's all country pubs round there, you see. With food, though? They do put a bit more effort in these country pubs

because people have to go there. You know, it's not like, when i live in london i just stag around the corner you know what i mean and they have you got a place in north london yeah bays bayswall oh how lovely but you know it's so touristy the restaurants are rubbish it's got good chinese yes where there's a royal china isn't there the royal china oh is it i haven't tried that one but i find because it's so touristy they don't give a shit we have to acknowledge that basically we had otolenghi yottam otolenghi on last week and we couldn't cook otolenghi for him because it's otolenghi so we've done this is an otolenghi lamb dish mum tell everyone what it is

actually it's um it's lamb with almonds and orange blossom But I actually Where's it sort of from? Otolenghi It's probably Middle Eastern But someone warned me off Putting too much orange blossom in Right I waited seven days for it to be delivered from Amazon

The orange blossom Because I wasn't sure I was going to get it And actually I could have put a bit more in. I think it would have. I think it's lovely. It's delicious, love. Don't start knocking it. And then we've done a lamb's lettuce salad with broad beans and peas.

And then we've done a bejeweled giant couscous salad. Really lovely. And what did he like? Oh, Olengi then. Did he like his own? Obviously, he likes his own stuff. We made him cook. You take the piss, you two.

We ask everybody, it's a contentious issue whether we call it the death row meal or last supper or desert island meal, but what would be on your menu? Starter? I'd like a prawn cocktail. Oh. I like that.

I like that. Who else did a prawn cocktail? Tracy Thorne from Everything But The Girl. Oh, right. She did a prawn cocktail, so you're in good company. And then what's my main? Probably lasagna. Oh, lasagna.

Any secret thing in your lasagna that you like? I had it once and someone put marmite in it. Oh, I get that. Yeah, yeah. I get that. Yeah, yeah. And you sun that. And then, I know it's not pronounced like that, but I call it tiramisu. Oh. I know it's tiramisu, but I like to call it tiramisu,

because like the dessert, I like to really drag it out. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. Yeah. I love tiramisu. Yeah, yeah. It's so good, and what would you drink with it? Tiramisu, sorry. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. Yeah. I love Tiramisu too. It's so good and what would you drink with it? Tiramisu, sorry. Tiramisu.

Tiramisu. And what would you drink with your meal? Malbec. I love it. You love a Malbec? One of my best holidays. Have you been to Argentina? Yeah.

I went last year. Oh, I love it. Everyone is fit. Everyone is fit. Even the tramps, you're like woof. You need to go to it. Everyone is fit. Everyone is fit. Even the tramps, you're like, woof. You need to go to Israel.

Everyone's fit there. Someone else said that to me. Judge Rinder told me that. The men are beyond beautiful. But Argentina, it's such fun. When they're tangoing in the street. Tangoing in the street. The food is great. Except they overcook the meat.

Well, you know what? Is it sweetbreads? What's the ones with the food is great, except they overcook the meat. Well, you know what? Is it sweetbreads? What's the ones with the testicles? They gave us that and I was like, oh, and this, that, down in that, you know, all the cobbled streets where they do the tango in. I was like, oh, lovely.

And then I popped it in my napkin and then he saw it was gone, so he gave me even more sweetbread. I mean, enough with the balls, enough. So you didn't even try it? I tried a bit, I mean it's like having balls in your mouth. Well listen anyway.

We do a podcast about food and we serve food but I feel like you were the pioneer of being the host with the most with Chatty Man. Oh yeah. You used to offer a drink. We want to know about the cocktails.

Yeah. Cocktails. Now you are being polite. There was a rule. Because I was going to make you an Aperol spritz tonight. She said, I don't know if you'd like that. He's very good at cocktails. Well, we wondered what you like.

Well, funny enough, down on the farm, we had a donkey that loved Aperol spritz. We didn't obviously have a sip of it. But I was, you know, a little bit pissed on a Saturday, so I went down to, like, feed him. And he'd rather have the April Spritz. He tried to put his tongue in me glass. You have an alcoholic donkey. Donkey, I know, I know.

So, yeah, I was like, no, this is for you, the bucket of feed, not the April Spritz. The bit of me was like, I wonder what you'd get if you get a wonky donkey, probably, if it was a little bit pissed can we ask because I love Chatty Man and it's not on anymore it's not coming back

oh shut up we're going to campaign oh please do did you feel like it had run its course or were you very happy you know the thing is I felt it had done its course 18 series. Wow.

18. And with an exclusivity with Channel 4. I've never done anything with ITV, BBC or Sky. And so we called it a day. I did a couple of Christmas specials that went really well. But I've done my time. I want to do something else. I'm a Gemini.

I want to try something else. I know people say that when anything ends, but that is genuinely from the heart. I mean, I've had shows that are shy, and they've been axed, and I've gone, yeah, good. You know, because they're right. But this one, a bit sad,

but time to move on. You're from Dorset. Yeah. Yeah. Someone's been on Wikipedia. No, I have. Because I feel like, you know... You're not from Dorset.

Yes. I am. I was born in Weymouth. Weymouth. Bloody hell. Because my dad's a football manager. Wherever he was manager, we'd go to. So was he Weymouth Rovers?

What are they? Weymouth FC. Weymouth FC or something like that. So who else did he manage? Northampton. Blackpool. Kettering. Blackpool. Yeah.

So did you just have to go to lots of different schools? And when you sound and look like me and turn up at different schools as a new kid, it's a real joy. Alan, where do you get your cat gutting and your quick wit from? And they say... We're not quick with. It's had to survive. Yeah, yeah. Have you got any

brothers and sisters? Yeah, one brother, Gary. And what does Gary do? I don't know what he does. Is he a football? No. Is he a football? No.

He's a human. Is he into football? I have another joke, Mum. Oh, gosh, actually, the first time I felt relaxed. You felt a bit, oh, really? Oh, thank God.

How long god How long How long has it taken you To prepare this Fucking all day Alright love Sorry I wish I'd never come You know what If this was come down with me

You'd be getting one in that taxi One Well she said All fucking day The recipe is on The recipe is on Fucking seat I need to work

I need to work on I need to work on my hostess. No, it's sometimes... The food is delicious. You don't need to be. You could be like, you know in Chinese restaurants where the staff are really rude to you and people go there. You could work there.

This is delicious. Fuck you. Yeah, they are like that. They're all like that. You're like that. That's you. Jessica. What?

Do you know why you're relaxed? What? Because you were watching Love Island while I was sweating. No, there was nothing relaxing about watching Love Island. You're going, these fucking imbeciles. Fucking hell. This. But it's just, they all look the same.

That's the trouble. But the whole thing that was depressing was that 70,000, more people applied to be on Big Brother than to go to Oxford or Cambridge. I know. That is depressing, Jessie. Well maybe those people who are applying, they know they're not going to get into Oxford or Cambridge. No, but they want to be famous rather than earn money that's the problem

to be honest I'd rather have a six-pack than a mortarboard yeah I wouldn't mind being a pay-through girl

either you know someone this is awkward anyway someone have a word if you're a

page I'll be page seven fella if you're a page i'll be page seven fella what is like the worst table manner you feel like other people have i feel like you're like non-judgmental i feel like you wouldn't judge but like if you had to judge would it be something like my mum being like i took fucking all day doing this and you just that was pretty up there but not now she's throwing not as offensive as I say you should rather be a page three girl because now I've got an image in my head

that's putting me off my food. That's so mean. I can feel that lamb coming up again. I was lovely in my day. No, you're lovely now. But page three is a bit... No, not now, obviously. Oh, no, stop it.

So what, do you think you've got any bad table manners? You haven't asked me what bad, bad. Okay. Yeah, mentioning page three is pretty bad. Then saying you've been working all, quote, fucking day. That's rude. Oh, don't say that. No.

I'm taking it back so you can find something else. Phones, don't have your phone on the table. Leave it alone. Mm-hmm. And, um... that's not really... You only have to have one. Yeah, I'm just trying to think what pisses me off. There was a Roman emperor and...

Anthropologist. I love this. No, no. I'm telling you. And they found one of these old scrolls, I don't know, papyrus or something. An emperor had complained about one of his people at the the diners blowing his nose on a hanky and looking at oh my looking at the

thing and he said this is bad bang out of order i'm paraphrasing but i thought isn't it funny that people still do this in latin or in hieroglyphics. Yeah. Whatever they do. So I thought, isn't that funny that that happens then? Sandy Toksvig said that. She said blowing your nose but not looking at it. But putting your tissue, the serviette that you've blown your nose in, on the plate. Oh no, that is disgusting. Yeah. At least my nan used to put it up her sleeve.

Old people do that, don't they? I do that. Oh, okay. Is it really weird that I do that? No, you shouldn I do that. Okay. Is it really weird that I do that? No, you shouldn't do that. Well, where else are you going to put it? We'll put it in the bin. You may need to use it again.

Who wants a green sleeve? Alan, have you got diamonds in your wedding ring? Well, little ones. Gorgeous. Little ones. Oh, don't you make it out I'm like Shirley Bassey. It's fabulous. It's fabulous., don't you make it out I'm like Shirley Bassey. No, it's fabulous. Gorgeous.

It's fabulous. Do you think you'll have children? No. You've got cows and sheep. I mean, I've never even had that urge to have kids. You don't? No. I've got two Irish setters, that's enough, love.

How old are they? Nine and six. You know, you start out going, going oh I don't want to be a stereotype blah blah blah you know here I am married to Paul we've got two female dogs Bev and Joyce. Bev and Joyce. She does look like a Bev. Should we have some pudding? Yes. Oh mum's made a good pudding. Do you think we need to sprinkle it with icing sugar? I mean yeah if you want I'm sure he won't mind if we don't. Oh my God, that's amazing. Mum, this is really good.

What is this? What's it called? It's a lemon curd roulade. Oh, lemon curd. Could you not taste it? Yeah. It's a bit chewy, the... I like chewy. But what makes you think lemon curd? Very retro. It is. Actually, a friend of mine

makes it and she makes her own lemon curd with lemons from Skopelos. And that's how it started. But I think it works really well with meringue. Mum used judge lemon curd. Yeah. No judgement. I didn't make my own lemon. It's not come down with me. I won't mark you down.

You're already getting one. Do you watch that ever? Do you have a choice? I mean, it's on all the time. I mean, you're hungover on a Sunday. And you Do you watch that ever? Do you have a choice? I mean it's on all the time You're hungover on a Sunday And then it's four in a bed You know where they're slagging off the B&B's Can I ask one more food thing? Growing up in your family did your parents cook?

What were you eating on the dinner table? It was very basic fare Because you know I listened to some of the other podcasts And when I was like four and a half Oh my god they've got these amazing stories. My mum, it was just... Good food. Good food, you know.

It was good. And then when, do you remember Cross and Blackwell, when they brought out those sachets? That was my mum being a bit, you know... Adventurous. But that was the same for everybody. Yeah, it was all mum, big old shepherd's pie, big old lasagna. Like grub.

Yeah, grub. I mean, it weren't, you know's pie, big old lasagna. Like grub. Yeah, grub. I mean, it weren't, you know, nothing like. It was great. But delicious and lovely and that was it, all tucking in. Would you have your mum's? Because my dad's a northern footballer, you know, he don't want like, you know. He wants fuel. Yeah.

Would you want your mum's lasagna recipe in your kind of desert island? I'm drunk, come on. You can see this, but I've just tried to drink out of the microphone. You don't know. Thanks for passing me the right one. If it's gone a bit echoey, it's because it's in my mouth. Thank you so much for being on

and making us laugh so much. Oh, well, thanks for having me. I mean, I had my expectations. I listened to it and it was like a real honour when I got asked. So thank you very much. Oh, Alan, it's not a nice honour for us. We can make this like a seasonal thing. We can have you.

Can you come back? Let's do a Christmas one. Oh, now you're cooking. And can I just say, good luck on your page three career. Mum? Yeah? mum yeah he i don't think we've laughed that much on he's the best fan and he was taking the piss out of you the whole bloody time thank you jess you forgive him i love him can i just say alan stayed for another wine and a cup of tea after that. And we were chatting. And I feel like I have to say this because it's too good to not talk about. He told us that he used to be addicted to Ouija boards with his mum.

And there was like weird things happen. Basically, he was getting very angry about something. We were talking about something. We were talking heatedly about Twitter. And he just went, yeah, God. And then there was this huge thud in mum's conservatory and we went what was that what was it and we don't know what it was and aloe went oh yeah that shit always happens to me it follows me and what was it it was like a really big bang and went on it's not one of those ceiling things that have broken from the heat i don't know but he then went on to tell

us that him and his mum were addicted to ouija boards and there was a guy called lee who used to um hate him who hate him anyway i feel like everyone needs to know that he's just such a funny man he's so funny imagine being that funny he's great he was really good like you you're born with that right yeah mum the food was great was it yeah we have to send a lot of love to your tam because that please that main course was and ginger pig because that lamb was delicious that was ginger pig thank you so much ginger delicious lamb which actually was cooked for like 40 15 minutes yeah it was a really like quick recipe yeah the actual prep darling a lot of prep was yes but it was delicious i thought yeah i don't know i like i thought the couscous was really

delicious too it was fantastic i'm gonna take some back for the baby you're pleased it would you want to take some lamb yeah i do and your would you call it pavlova or a meringue roulade we're talking roulade here. Mum, it was really good. Yeah. It was like a blanket of sweetness. And chewy. It was quite chewy.

It was really good. Yeah. Thank you so much for listening to Table Manners. I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here with my darling mum, Lenny. Say goodbye. Goodbye. Oh, God. I'm so excited.

Go to sleep, darling. Okay. I'll do the washing up. Yeah, thank you so excited. Go to sleep, darling. Okay. I'll do the washing up. Yeah, thank you so much. You really are the best. Thanks, darling. Okay, thanks. She said.

With Grisha veneers. How did your veneer hold up? They're all right. They're managing. Was it both of them that came out? No, just one. I think it feels better than it did before. I feel more confident.

Oh, great. We'll go and nosh on some of that. Yeah, I'll go and chew a piece of rock now. Okay. Thank you for listening. The music you've been listening to is by Peter Duffy and Pete Fraser. Thank you so much. If you are enjoying this, please keep on giving us stars.

How many listeners have we got now, Jessie? Oh, we're nearing one million listeners. Well, no, hon, we're nearing one million listeners well no hon we're nearing one million million listens overall that means like out of all the episodes we've nearly done a million that is a lot of people darling it's not bad mum no it isn't um uber rating should we just see how we're both doing jesse i've gone down two two or point two put like point two fuck's sake why 2 or 0.2? Like 0.2. Foxy, why? What am I doing wrong? 4.47.

I'm so polite. I'm 4.62, but I was 4.64 to outboss the man last time. Piss me off. Anyway. I hope Alan Carr's polite because he might wreck my rating. You never know. We'll be giving him 10 star for the bands um thanks for listening