Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S4 Ep 10: John Bishop

Episode Date: December 19, 2018

What better way to end the series than to do a extra special live episode of Table Manners with mum’s ultimate crush John Bishop, live from Google’s fantastic Curiosity Rooms. In a festive special, John tells us how he does Christmas ‘vegan style’, fish guts, his massive ‘talent’ as well as how he runs a farm (what is it with comedians?!). Listen until the end to hear John's Uber rating reveal...Thanks so much to Google Pixel 3, we hope you enjoy this episode!Table Manners will be back on January 30th, with a very special mini series. Merry Christmas everyone! Love Jessie and Lennie xProduced by Alice Williams Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support from this week's episode comes from the Google Pixel 3. We hosted a live episode from the Curiosity Rooms on Regent Street where Google has been encouraging visitors to unlock their curiosity and make their everyday more extraordinary with a series of free workshops, talks, podcasts and more. Loads of my mates have been doing them and they've looked like such fun and so we were so touched to be invited to be a part of the Curiosity Rooms. such fun and so we were so touched to be invited to be a part of the curiosity rooms the google pixel 3 has been designed using the best of google in a phone powered by ai extraordinary things are happening all around us but we don't always see them with pixel 3 you'll never miss out again features such as top shot group selfie cam that was really good with john bishop apart from the

one bloke who like got in the whole group selfie shot. He's so tall. And Google Lens are enabling us to rediscover and capture more of the everyday. The camera is absolutely amazing and seems to make me look fabulous even when I'm seven months pregnant. So check it out. Thanks to the Google Pixel 3 and I hope you enjoy this special episode. We're about to do a Google podcast.

And we are in the building formerly known as Tower Records in Regent Street. And we've actually, I feel like we're right by Piccadilly Circus. Because we keep on hearing announcements about train services. Because we are in a basement, so this is very peculiar. It's the weirdest dressing room I think i've ever been in oh here we go that's severe delays between liverpool street and enfield town just in case you didn't catch that we're so excited to be here doing a live table manners with john bishop my mum is in the makeup chair and she she was allowed to go first because she didn't want to look awful

for john bishop however i'm here with two clips of my hair a pasty face and no sleep and whilst my mum saunters around the place like she's Cher i've got now 10 minutes to get my makeup done because my mother took first seat. First dibs. First dibs. Darling, here's more important, you or me? Well, it does say table manager with dressy wear,

but I feel like we should change that. Darling, I'm here to make you look good. Oh, my God, what have we created? We've created a fucking monster. We've got John Bishop coming up. So excited, darling. So excited. And a big surprise in store for everyone.

He's so handsome. He's so a vegan too. I know. That's the only off-putting thing. Wish us luck. Second time we've done a live podcast. Let's hope he's good. Let's hope we're good, Mum.

Fuck you. He does the O2, Mum. I know. We'll be alright then. We're in good hands. You've done the synagogue. I dried up at synagogue last time. I had to read the blessing. I got nervous.

Oh, wow. Do you need a drink, Mum? It's nearly Christmas. So this is a Christmas special. This is kind of the finale to this amazing series that we've had. And thank you so much to everyone who has supported. Our listening numbers have kind of tripled I think and it's been so amazing to see how much people are enjoying the series so thank you so much but yeah

this is us saying yeah happy Christmas and finishing with a bit of a cracker See you in 2019 next year. I thought you were going to say see you next Tuesday. See you in 2019. We've already recorded our next series, so don't worry. We definitely have a new series for you. Have you told them where it's from? No, I think we'll keep the suspense going, maybe. But yeah, we will be back with you in the new year. Here we go.

This is John Bishop live on Table Manners at Google's curiosity rooms. Hi. Is this on? Is this on? Can you hear me? Hi, are you going to be polite? Or raucous? You went, raucous. Raucous.

Hi, thank you so much for bothering to enter to come to hear the Curiosity Rooms. I'm Jessie Ware, and this is my mother, who I know you're all here for. How are you, Mum? I'm fine, darling. Feeling good? I've got, darling. Feeling good? I've got my glam make-up on. How are you, audience? Good!

Oh, my God, I do feel... This is hysterical. So this is... You know, we've done a live podcast before, and thankfully we get edited, but anything could happen. So... And apologies if anything happens. So we were very excited when Google asked us to do this and we had to think about the guest and I don't know if you know who the guest is. Oh you do? Oh some of you don't. Okay so I just

said to him I said listen is anything off limits he said just please don't mention my big dick so I feel like he wanted me to mention it so there you go sorry um please okay actually I'm not I'm gonna wait we're gonna wait mum what's on the menu tonight well we've got to do this properly we're doing the podcast we have a scouser vegan i didn't even know they existed but we've got a vegan so we've got some butter bean hummus with cumin yeah we've got crostini with tomato and olive tapenade yeah and a butter bean pate with vegan pesto vegan, a chymerwch chi, Jess. Ydych chi'n gweld sut hapus mae fy mam am y bennu hwn? Pesto vegan!

Wel, mewn gwirionedd, y person arall wedi bwyta fwyn vegan. Nid oeddwn i hyd yn oed yn gwybod bod yna fwyn vegan. Dyna beth mae fygans yn ei wneud. Iawn, maen nhw'n ddifarol iawn. Pa mor ambell fygans y mae gennym yn y cyflwyniad? Diolch, ni allwn hyd yn oed yn rhynnu chi. Ydych chi'n cael ymddygiad o ffymor? do we have in the audience? Shit, we can't even rinse you. Fuck! Do you have a sense of humour? Yeah, yeah, of course, of course.

No, I wanted to know... No, I love vegans. And we particularly love the person we've asked to come on. But I just wanted to know, if you don't know about this podcast, which I presume quite a few of you do, we've been getting really nice tweets. People have been very excited about seeing Lenny.

And I know, I know. It shouldn't really say Jessie Ware on there, should it? But I wanted to know what a few of you were doing for... It's so freaking bright. I'm so sorry. Like, it's like, yeah. What are you doing for Christmas? And I'm going to get a mic.

Hold on. What are you eating for Christmas? We're going to Scotland. Yeah. What's your name? Chloe. Chloe. And Ashley.

We're going to Scotland back to family for Christmas. Okay. Can we tell you a Christmas hack? I'd love it. You're in. That's why you were front row. Love it. Boxing day is almost better than Christmas day.

Why? Because you have a Christmas dinner roll. So in Scotland, we have like a morning roll. It's like a proper flowery roll from the bakery.'s like crispy on the outside soft in the middle like a cloud you put lurpak then you heat up in the microwave your leftover turkey ham a roast potato carrots cabbage whatever you've got red sauce yes you need the red sauce yes salt and pepper heat it up mash it all in the roll and and it goes everywhere, but it's brilliant. I'm not doing that on Boxing Day.

I'm doing that three hours after Christmas lunch. Oh, yeah, that's it. Honestly, it's the best. Salt and pepper as well. Don't miss that. Gorgeous. Well, thank you for sharing. So, I feel like it's time to introduce our guest. Mum, do you want to introduce? I want to introduce the fabulous the dazzling john bishop thanks john you mentioned my dick you wanted me to i did not want you to, because look, that's why they got the cameras out. Are you drinking?

Yes. Are you drinking a vegan wine? Well, I'm drinking, I brought a vegan wine, which I've given to your mum. But we don't know if that is a vegan wine or not. But I think there's a point in life where you go, look, I had to go. When you walk into a wine shop, you can't go, oh my God, Karachi. I didn't even know there was vegan wine until I started eating vegan food so as far as I'm concerned

I cannot understand what part of the process that involves getting grapes and then putting them in a bottle where an animal gets involved well my vegan friend do you know why it makes it vegan yeah ok come here please an animal gets involved. Well, my vegan friend, do you know why it makes it vegan? Yeah. Okay,

come here, please. Oh, she's got her whole foods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fucking he's got one in the back room as well. Yeah, that's where I got the wine from. Vegans unite. Right, okay. Why is some wine not vegan? Is that the question? Yeah. Because they use, like, fish guts

to filter and clarify the wine. Oh, my God. Delicious. Yeah. Now, how did that happen? How did somebody who was making wine think, you know what we're missing? We need to filter this with some fish guts. It's so true. How did that process ever come about?

Terrible. Do you drink only vegan wine? I try, but, like John, you know, life's a bit short. You love a bit of fish gut. Yeah. Makes it taste even better. Also, if you go back there to Whole Foods, there was two bottles of Pinot Noir, both marked as vegan.

So I got one, and then I looked at the other one, and it was vegan Pinot Noir, and underneath on the label it says, good with fish. How pointless is that i love that well thank you thank you sorry for embarrassing you um right so how long have you been a vegan because when we when we they were like who do you want for this podcast and we were like we want someone that's a talker that's handsome that's fabulous that my mum fancies like this is yeah absolutely we were like john bishop and and they were like great news he can do it and then we found out you were a vegetarian that's what we got told yeah but sometimes you

like to be a vegan when you're on tour yeah well what happened then it just went straight to vegan yeah yeah i became a vegetarian 34 years ago okay so so that's been proper yeah and then you will know this being a singer i was informed by a singer a very famous singer that the best thing come on who adele. Everyone's always been informed by Adele about something. I mean, it may not have been Adele. Someone phoned me up and said, this is Adele. Really? No.

I got talking to her because I was about to go on tour. I was at this function with her with some mutual friends and the previous tour that I'd done, I'd had some some problems with me voice not strained because you don't strain your voice as a comedian and particularly if you may where you don't put a lot of effort in anyway just it's a one-tone voice but I did struggle with it and she was torn but voice accent she said just cut out dairy it makes all the

difference so I had a year oh she was chugging on a fat so I had a year on tour. While she was chugging on a fad. I had a year on tour where I didn't eat dairy so I just carried it on. So now if occasionally where you'll slip up and there'll be cheese and something you know I can live with it. I don't want to. Do you like it when that happens? When you accidentally have a bit of gorgonzola? oh god no where i accidentally bury me faces you know what i i will never ever ever ever eat meat again ever but if if if i end up you know if somebody like me mum sometimes occasionally puts milk in me tea i'm not gonna throw it at the wall go for god's sake mum i'm a vegan i'm i'm not going to throw it at the wall and go, for God's sake, Mum, I'm a vegan. I'm not that mental about it. But are all your family vegan?

You mean me children? No, me wife's vegetarian. She's like me. Me wife eats primarily vegan. She's vegetarian. Me kids, definitely not, no. So what will you have for your Christmas dinner? Something different than the kids.

We're going to go out. We'll have whatever the vegetarian or vegan option is. Because we're going out. We're going out this year because the last few years we've gone out. And it's always been us five and my mother-in-law. And we lost my mother-in-law. So this is the first one for my wife to not have

it with her mum. So we just didn't want to also have the hassle of cooking. Because cooking and crying is no good, is it? We'll go out and kind of celebrate her mum. So you've done Christmas dinner out a few

times? Yeah. I've always been intrigued. How many people So you've done Christmas dinner out a few times? Yeah. I've always been intrigued. How many people here go out for dinner, Christmas dinner? Does it make it just much less stressful and a bit fabulous? No. No? You know why we did it? Why we started doing it?

Because my mother-in-law used to love cooking the Christmas dinner, but it was always a big effort. And then she'd say, I'm right don't don't bother about me you go do you want any help i mean she's no no i'm all right and then you'd sit down for them she got knackered not one person aren't me yeah yeah yeah you're that person and then and then the other thing that i noticed as well i i don't know about you but i'm of the generation where I have clothes for best. Yeah, you've got dressed up. Yeah, so you have your Christmas clothes.

You get your nice... Velvet. Have you always got a bit of velvet on? No, not velvet, but what I mean is, your posh Christmas clothes. And we've got three lads in the house who are having their Christmas dinner in pyjamas. And I'm thinking, this isn't what Christmas is. So if you go out, you've at least got to get out your pyjamas

make a fucking effort make an effort exactly you talk about your family a lot in your stand up yeah do they mind don't care no hold on one of them's here yeah do you mind I don't really give a choice

hold on is this annoying sorry right I've watched a bit and there's bits where john's saying like talking about teenagers and i guess that's talking that's referring when you were a teenager mainly the middle one oh okay all right and talking about how teenagers are twats and i loved it because i was just like brilliant we, we can swear a lot today. Yeah, but I don't have teenagers anymore. They've grown up, like, he's 24, there's Luke who's 22, and Daniel's 20. So now, I just own men. But I think toddlers are twats.

I feel like what you were saying was like, it really... Kids are fucking hard work. Am I allowed to... I don't refer to her as a twat, but I was like, toddlers are testing. What I think needs to happen is people need to get away from this idea that, you know, all those lovely photographs that you get of kids at Christmas on the family cars,

you go, God, wouldn't that be lovely if we had them? What you need to do, you need to be able to rent other people's kids what like the good ones yeah just no no no just rent them just so that all those young couples now we were trying to decide where to have kids send them a fucking 17 year old to go and live with them for the weekend what kind of like love island with megan and wes when literally megan did nothing she was like oh it's crying the babies i love that challenge um no that was fucking brilliant but um uh are you a good cook um is he a good cook no that's shaking your head no i'm not i'm I'm not. It's one of the things that I want to achieve in my life. It sounds staffed on it, achieve.

You know, like climbing the mountains, achieving something. Learning how to cook is just being practical in it. But what I mean is I keep on thinking I'm going to go on a cooking course. But I also keep on thinking I'm going to learn Spanish and learn how to play the piano. There's loads of things that I think I'm going to do and I'm literally running out of time. But is it because your wife's a good cook

that you kind of... Is your mum a good cook? Yeah, your mum's all right. You're like, yes. Cry for these poor children. I know, yeah. Dad and the mum can't cook. I know, but we can buy food.

Oh, you buy food. I want to know what they were eating. I think what it is, we're not really foodies. You know, you get some people who are passionate about food. And I like food, but it's never... I see it as fuel. I just see it as something you've got to have to keep going. But I'm changing.

I'm changing. We've had some really beautiful meals recently, particularly when you go to these places where you have a taster menu yeah and uh oh yeah yeah i love a taster menu and particularly we did one very posh recently can you say where i can come on okay they'll give you a free meal next oh okay then go on do it claddages oh oh i don't think they're going to give me fuck off. When they find out I got in, they were going, what the fuck's he got in?

But what it was, it was, and again, this is this. I don't want to sound maudlin, but it was Melanie. We lost Melanie's mum quite suddenly. She sort of went into hospital with a bad back, and then three weeks later she was gone and so for Melanie who was her only child it was a huge huge loss and so what we did for her 80th birthday which was only

a month after she died we said like we could just sit here and mope or we'll go out so we went to Claridge's me and Melanie and had a fabulous meal eight course tasty meal with glasses of wine. Vegan wine. Oh, I never asked.

I couldn't be arsed. I was too pissed after the third one. Bring it in. You can put the fish guts in it. I'll still drink it. But it was delicious. But doesn't that inspire you or not? Are you just like, I'll go next month?

No, you've got to understand this has been a journey so now I'm mad, mad keen. This is why I wanted to come on. This is why I like things. I've reached a point in my life where I like Countryfile and cooking shows. That's what's happened to me.

Middle age. It is middle age. I mean, I'm normally doing crack cocaine while I'm watching them. Country files great on crack. You're laughing too much. Does that happen? No, it doesn't. I always imagined that In the Night Garden would be amazing when you're stoned.

Have any of you watched In the Night Garden? It's so trippy. You thought Teletubbies was trippy. In the Night Garden is some fucking cracky shit. But anyway, Toddlo TV. Can I pick at this? Yeah, yeah. But I'm a bit worried it's been sat out a bit and that makes me sad.

It was so delicious as well and now it's all gone dry. I know but hummus has been sat out, it's like earwax on its arm. No mate, hold on, I'm going to scrape a bit of that shit off. Yeah, that's it. That's it, that's it. Thank you so much to the stylists that did this by the way. This is very, very kind of you but the food looks like shit now because it's been out for about...

But you've made this. I made it, yeah. You've made it and brought it in. Yeah, and it's vegan. Okay, so what we've got... I want to know how many vegans there are in Liverpool, do you think? That go to the cop and sing. How many vegans there are in Liverpool who go to the cop and sing? Yeah, we just sort of... Do you want to be more specific?

Yeah, no, vegan scouser just didn't kind of have that ring, really. Why not? I just don't know why. You're not thinking to be sensitive? Yeah, I think you can be sensitive. I just thought you were like kebabs after your... Oh, my God, Mum!

Sorry, am I offending everybody? You're Mancunian, so that's why... I'm from Manchester. There are vegans in Manchester that I know of. My wife's from Manchester. Well, there you go. And she's a vegan. Yeah, yeah, so there you go.

John, I'm sorry, my mum is going to kill me. She wasn't born like that. Mum is being very polite and being charming. But you should have seen the email she sent when we were going through the menu. Oh, that's so mean. Don't be mean. Firstly, she was like, I've got this great recipe.

It's got anchovy and blood. I was like, Mum, he's great recipe. It's got anchovy and blood. I was like, Mum, he's a vegan. She went, oh, pussy bishop. I wonder if... No, if you had put that on, I'd have met that. Oh, wow. I've got no problem with that. I don't know.

What did you think? If that's good hummus, that's good hummus. Yeah. It has to be. Oomen. It's good. Kumin.

Yeah. And then we've got... Oh, shit. Right, okay. We've got some fucking olives, because you know what? It's fucking hard. Vegan canapes are fucking hard.

They are. When you like a bit of meat. They are. I was going to mum. But listen, you can get a load of... I'm not one of these people who... People, whenever you mention that you're a vegan or something, people think you're some kind of

ramming it down everyone's throat, which isn't the case. Like me, kids, we didn't bring the kids up vegetarian because it's a choice i've just made that choice and i found now that there's more and more and more things that you can have and there's there's loads of plant-based products there's loads of things like corn and stuff like that oh yeah yeah you love it when i bring oat milk to your house don't you you know corn and stuff you get your protein so there's bring oat milk to your house, don't you? You know, quorn and stuff, you get your protein in. So there's loads of things you can have.

You don't just eat olives every day. Me and my wife, look at that. We just go, have an olive. An olive and an... Yeah, of course you have an olive. Whole pussy bishop. I love that. So much.

Okay, so we've got like a tapenade olive tapenade with some chopped up cherry tomatoes and basil and then we did a butternut squash spread with a kind of vegan pesto and some red peppers and then these are like honey roasted spiced nuts And I apologise to you all if we're like, it's a lot of crunch, so yeah. Yeah, but see, that's another thing. See, some vegans wouldn't eat them because there's honey. Me too. Yeah, no, that's true, Jessie. Jessie, that's true.

Would you eat honey? No. No judgement, no judgement. Okay. Now, why wouldn't you eat honey because it's been taken from the bees? Yeah, I think that's the general judgement. Yeah. But don't the bees want to give it to you?

Cheesy. I don't know how you should answer that. Yeah, okay, all right, touche. Because the other thing as well, I eat eggs. And a lot of vegans won't eat eggs. You're not supposed to eat eggs. Ah, well, I'll explain it. I wish we'd fucking known that.

Jesus. Yeah, that would have made things a lot easier. Well, I'll explain it. I eat eggs because we have chickens and geese. And they lay eggs. And you don't need a cockerel there. They're not fertilised. They're just there.

So you turn around to the chicken and go, well, that was a waste of effort. It's true so so they're a naturally occurring thing so but you know not factory eggs not not eggs from somewhere else so the concept of saying you can only be a vegan if you stick to these strict rules i think is is too difficult because circumstances are different for everybody i think i could do vegan with eggs that's the thing that I think I'd miss the most. But you've got to have your own chickens. We've got loads of chickens.

Do you live in London? No. Okay, so it's easier to have chickens. Why? Is there a rule in London that you can't have chickens? Chickens in my Dalston cemented garden may just... I think that would be worse than a battery like that. I don't think it would be very fair. battery like that. So yeah, I don't think it would be very fair. They wouldn't be getting like fresh air.

They'd be getting Kingsland Road like fumes. No, we live in the countryside. Have you got a farm? No. Not a farm, but we've got rescue animals. That's like Alan Carr. Like Alan Carr, yeah.

He's got rescue animals. Yeah, yeah. He doesn't have a farm, but he's got loads of rescue animals. He's a bit like that because... Like rescue goats.

Because we know Alan and Paul, his partner, very well, so they've got a few mini goats and stuff. We've got three dogs.

I honestly don't know how many chickens, but enough for me not to know. Did you bother to name... do you name them then? Not the chickens, there's too many. You know what they're like, they all look the same. There's probably about 12 chickens.

We've got, interesting at this time of the year, we've got five turkeys. We've got a big male turkey. Rescued. Rescued, yeah. Rescued turkey. We've got Bernard is the male turkey Bernard yeah

the RSPCA called him Bernard we didn't it's a good name yeah so Bernard and then we've got the turkeys

take all the other birds that the chickens kick out because chickens will turn on the weakest chicken and attack them so

we take the weakest one out and put him in with the turkeys and he lives with the turkeys the turkeys are quite kind yeah and one out and put him in with the turkeys and he lives with the turkeys. Well, turkeys are quite kind. Yeah. And like the chickens don't fuck with the turkeys?

No, they're massive, aren't they? If you're a chicken and you look at a turkey, you think, I'm not fucking with him. It's like the playground. Yeah, so they're like them. And then we've got geese. The geese live with the sheep. And then we've got pigs.

We've got a couple of pigs. One lives in with the chickens and the other pig goes wherever he wants. And then we've got four proper horses and two Shetland ponies. Oh, my God. Shit. And we live in a flat. It's like a small farmer bishop. You live in a flat.

Oh, my God. And how long has that been for? How long have we had them? Yeah, like... Have you accumulated them? About six years ago, something like that. Man, we started collecting them. We started with Milo, the pig. Who looks had them? Yeah, like... Have you a human? About six years ago, something like that, Melanie started collecting them. We started with Milo the pig.

Who looks after them? Melanie and there's a guy called Colin who works for us. So you put your wellies on and go and feed them in the morning? It's my day is every Sunday. That's when I know I'm there, so that's when I do it all by myself. Because Melanie's not there then. Where's Melanie gone She likes a drink on a stuffy night, you know, she's like so she gets home she gets home. No

She's a she rose. She's in a rowing club. So she rose every Sunday She rows. She's in a rowing club. So she rows every Sunday. Crikey. You feel like we do nothing. Well, you know how you said you use food as fuel? We live to eat. You eat to live and we do it the other way round. No, but I'm learning to do it your way.

I'm starting to enjoy it. I'm starting to... Because there's more and more options available and more and more places. If you don't eat meat, more and more places are catered to you. There's more and more places. When I first started, when I first came home and said to my mum

I was a vegetarian. Did she cry? It was like coming out. I bet it was. It was like she went in to me and said, John says he's a vegetarian. No, he's no bloody vegetarian. And so what happened? It was, God, I was 18.

So when was I 18? So that was 1984. So, and my mum used to always do the Sunday roast, which I know yous love doing. Yeah. So see, my bit of being a vegetarian was having all the Sunday roasts that everyone else was having. And one of those seven-inch pizzas that you used to get in Iceland

on the top of the Sunday roast. It was like carb heaven. And that was it. Because there wasn't any other options. It is now when you go out. There's so many flavours around. I mean mean couscous who invented that i don't know that couscous did not exist in 1980 where did it come from

when did someone say there's a market there for people who are wearing sandals it's like that with quinoa too yeah quinoa quinoa is the same what's that other stuff you eat, Jessie? That other shit you were going to say. Freaker. Freaker. Freaker. It's kind of like a more coarse couscous. It's a grain. It's really nice. Do your goats faint? No, you've got to put that in context.

Okay. I was very keen to know about your goats, because Mel B's goats, she's got fainting goats so she goes like this to them Billy, and they fall over on the floor Was that in the podcast? I remember her talking about her new fanny and everything else

I do not remember the bit where she was saying her fainting goats and she's dyed them chakra colours you'd like that no, she's dyed them, not chakra colours. She said the chakra... Henna dye. Chakra colours, she said.

But then scares them to death, so I don't like... And then she goes, Billy, and they faint on the floor. But, no, you don't have fainting goats. Have you even heard of them? No. I feel really sorry for them. They're on YouTube, darling, a lot. What, did you go on YouTube?

Yeah, and watch fainting goats that fall over like this. Dinner at your family's, when you were growing up, what would your mum put in front of you? Like, what was, apart from the roast, what did you kind of

grow up on? I have a real affection for the thing called corned beef hash. Ooh. From the tip, like the corned beef... Corned beef tin.

Yeah, we used to have that. Salty with... Yeah, I mean, any meat that's sold in a tin can't be good, can it? But you loved it. Oh, it was because it reminds me of my mum. There was two things, corned beef ash, which was... Yeah. From what I can remember,

it was corned beef that was just ground down with mashed potatoes, and then you put it in the oven. And my mum used to run a fork along it. Make little furrows, yeah. Oh, lovely. So that was a memory of childhood. And scouse. Scouse.

Scouse. For stew, darling. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's not a people. We didn't eat each other. Let's get a scouse in. And that is why I'm a vegan. And it's basically the history of Scouse, I understand.

It was just, it's all the leftovers. But everyone's mum kind of makes their own Scouse difference. So what was your mum's Scouse? It was always like potatoes, whatever veg there was, whatever at the time, whatever meat there was. I don't really know what else was in it, just the bits that were left. It tasted delicious. Oh, you see.

Leftovers are always the best. You know what it tasted of? It tasted of the love a mother gives you. Oh. There you go. I didn't know. You know that. You know that.

You know what I'm saying. It's that thing where you taste it or you smell it and you think of your mum. And nothing else is ever going to be like that. Is your mum still around? We need to know, Jessie, because we're running out of time. No, we're not. We are. Oh, my God, we really are.

This has been lovely, hasn't it? No, I know. But you'll come for a proper meal and I'll cook not dry stuff. Yeah. We'll have to still be vegan. Can I tell you, you're the most handsome person we've had on the podcast. He's dazzling. She has fancied you for years.

I love you. I watch all your programmes. She talks about your teeth. They're fabulous. They're dazzling. He's got a dazzling smile. Look. And he's smiling at me.

No, it has been a pleasure. We haven't finished yet. No, but we've got to ask about his desert island. Oh, it has been a pleasure. We haven't finished yet. No, but we've got to ask about his Desert Island meal. Oh, yes. Okay, fine. Desert Island meal. I don't think he's bothered with you. Last supper, Desert Island meal.

What are you going to go with? Anything. Starter. Olives. Olives and eggs. What would I have at this island meal? You know what? That's a good question.

You knew that was going to be us. I'm really upset that you didn't prepare this. No, but I thought of something on the way here. And just when we've been talking about food, I've changed my mind. Is corned beef going to be in there? No, no, no. What I thought about on the way here was,

I don't want to say a vegan pizza, but does this... A cauliflower-based pizza. No, no, no. You get these brilliant things. And I'm trying to remember the right name. With the flatbread, but they have pesto on and tomatoes and mushrooms. And I can't remember what it's called it doesn't matter okay but you know you've got it yeah you've got that so something something like that that would be it have you

had it somewhere yeah yeah which restaurant did you have it at and that's the bit i can't remember it was no it wasn't here it was in amsterdam it was in amsterdam and it was it was like a pizza shop and i was like they're vegan pizza and it was oh a pizza shop in Amsterdam. It was like their vegan pizza. And it was delicious. Oh, God, it was absolutely gorgeous. OK. Do you want a starter? Is that your starter? I feel like that's your starter.

No, olives. Olives? Piss off. Are you fucking kidding me? Olives? That can just go with the first drink that you're having. Oh, OK. All right, what would I have as a starter?

He likes olives. I like olives. Oh, OK. Come on. All right, what would I have as a starter? He likes olives, Ben. I like olives. Let him have one. No, you know what? What else would I... I bet you have people come on who say something dead exhausting. No, lots of people say prawn cocktail.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, we said that. You know what I would have? If I could, I'd have the tasty menu that I had on Melanie's mum's birthday. Oh, sweet. That's lovely. Yeah.

No one's actually done a tasting menu. No, that's the one. You're taking the piss, but I like it. Oh, exactly. And I'd like it in Claridge. I'd like it on the desert island as if it was in Claridge. With the waitress. A white tablecloth, loads of waiters who were thinking,

how's that bastard got enough money to come here? Listen to him talk, the working class scum. Cynhyrchu'r cyfarfod sy'n meddwl, a sut y mae'r bwysig yn cael mwy o arian i ddod yma? Cysylltwch â'i siarad, y sgwm o'r gwaith, ac yna byddaf am eistedd yno ac byddwn i'n cael cael wyneb yn y llynedd. Coles? Ydych chi'n hoffi wyneb gwaith? Ie, ie. Ydych chi'n gwybod beth rwyf wedi mynd i mewn yn ôl, Rosie? Fi hefyd! O, mabod!

A ydych chi wedi cael Whisper Angel? A ydych chi wedi cael Whisper Angel? Oh, mabod! Oh, mae'n gwych! Rydyn ni'n gorfod cael nosion gwreiddiol! Yn sicr! Oh my God, if you had Whispering Angel. Love it. Whispering Angel. Oh my God. Oh, it's the best. We've got to have a girls' night in. Absolutely. Whispering Angel. Me, you, Whitney.

They sell out in LA in the summer. Oh, it's beautiful. Hannah put me onto it. It's the best. Oh, it's great. Whispering Angel. I know, Mum. Have you had it?

Yeah, I've had a really bad hangover on it. No. How much did you drink? A lot. Yeah. Because I was like, God, this is so good. It's delicious. It's so fabulous, isn't it?

It is good. Yeah, Rose Wine's had a rebirth. We need to ask you as well, what's table manner? In another person? In another person. Oh, eating with your mouth open. Okay. I know, it's fine.

Oh, my God. People eat with their mouth open. I mean, you've got to open it to put it in but then close it. Fine. Oh god I hate that. Everyone will say that. That's awful. But do you think you've... no some people are really like virtuous and they're like Live and let live guys. No, they've never sat opposite somebody showing them the food while they eat. So what do you think you have good table manners? Me? Erm... I... food while they eat so what do you think you have good table manners me um i might

good table manners he uses his knife i use a knife and fork so there you go that's a step up we've improved do you have good table manners i use a knife they they they all the kids my kids should have said please thank you all that was instilled to them from being young but I think that my biggest problem I have to be honest is I'm a fast eater and I do genuinely put it down

as being the youngest of four and if there's food there if you don't grab it you're not getting it it's funny because I do the same, but I'm the middle child. And I had really not greedy siblings, so I have no excuse. I know. Well, maybe it's just a personality. When's your birthday?

October. That's got nothing to do with it then. When are you? November, November. So I'm a Sagittarius. Oh, you're a Sagittarius. I'm just into being a Sagittarius. Oh, you're a Sagittarius. I'm just into being a Sagittarius. Okay, so you think you've got good table manners.

I feel like we've asked all the table manner... What, go on. Uber. Oh, Uber. Uber rating. Do you use Uber? Yeah, occasionally, yeah. Oh, you still have a high rating.

I use them occasionally. If I'm in london i used the black cab one uh but but ubers now everywhere so sometimes i tell you what it is because when you're when you're touring and you're in cities that you don't know it's always better being in a car with someone else who doesn't know where they're going as well so but but that's why it's just that you can use it internationally. Can we know your... If you've got the Uber app, can you tell us your rating? He probably doesn't look.

I know. I have all the priorities, I have to be honest. I know, but we don't. So you still... I actually don't know. I didn't really... No, I know. This is a fun game.

I've got a rating. Yes. And I've gone down four points in the week. We are terrible. Why? What have you done? Can I see? Nobody has to see. And I've gone down four points in the week. We are terrible. Yeah. Why? What have you done? Can I see?

Nobody has to see. I haven't brought my phone. Okay, fine. We'll find out. Basically, Russell Tovey, it was hysterical. We had Russell Tovey, the actor, on, and he was like, God, yours is really low.

And I went, oh, check yours. And he went, and he was like 3.8 or something out of five. And he was like, his was lower than anybody else's. Well, what's yours? I think mine's like... Shit, what's yours? Mine was 4.63 and it's gone down to 4.5.

What can you get out of it? Mine's 4.5. It's because I've been bossing everybody all week. It's out of five. It's out of five and you're 4.3 and you've got a problem. 4.59. You're 4. I was up there, 4.3 and you've got a problem. 4.59. You're 4. I was up there, 4.63, and I'm looking at it every hour to see if it's gone up.

But you haven't gone anywhere in the last hour of time. I do. I used it a lot last week, like three times in a day. I did the same. I thought I had a really good conversation. I love having a chat. I saw him give me five stars. He was like, give me five stars.

I was like, dude, doing it now. My fucking rating didn't go up. So I feel like it's like the algorithms are fucked. I think I'm using it too much. Okay. I think you need to fucking do something else. This is the maddest conversation. I know.

No, no, no. Mine is like 4.5. He doesn't live in London. He doesn't know. I know, I know, but what we'll do then. Other people will be interested in this.

I don't know my Uber rating, right? Yeah, you'll look when you get out of here. Yeah, you'll look. Because we've come here and we've had a canapé thing instead of a dinner thing.

I'll do a deal with you, right? Yeah. If you're Uber rating, because you're the, I'm not going to get close to you. If your Uber rating is lower than mine, you've got to cook me dinner. I would cook you dinner. I know, but it's a game and it sounds good. Okay, fine.

Okay, yes. Play the game. Okay, sorry. And if my Uber... He's going to cook... No, I don't want to. No, right, that's it. If yours is lower than mine, you've got to cook me dinner.

OK. And if mine... Have I got this right? If you're lower than me... If I'm lower than you... If you're higher than her... I've got to take us out for dinner. I'll take you to the taster menu at Cleverville.

Oh, great. Amazing. Brilliant. His will be higher than ours. Because he never uses it. That's how you get high. I don't know. Like, does anybody... John, you'll be surprised.

People, I feel like... A show of hands. People are interested in Uber ratings now. Yes? Yeah, you see? I see. And that's why I couldn't be single these days. I'd have nothing to say to someone on a date.

Has anyone got five in the audience no one can have five have you come here come here come here now and tell me how you get five that's it you don't use it that much that's the key I'm telling you hold on hold on hold on hold on I need to amplify it Dyna'r cwbl. Mae'n dweud wrthych chi. Cofiwch, cofiwch, cofiwch. Mae angen i mi... Dyna'r cwbl. Dydwch chi ddim yn ei ddefnyddio. Iawn. Ie, rwy'n meddwl os ydw i'n drwg, rwy'n defnyddio ffrindiau. Rydych chi'n Uber strategig. Nid, rwy'n dod i'r cyfrifiad. Rwy'n dod i'r cyfnod. Rwy'n fwyaf-stara newydd. Diolch i chi! Diolch i chi!

Mae hi'n fwyaf-stara newydd. Mae hi'n, fel... Diolch i chi! Fuck you. Fuck you. She's a new five-star. She's like, fuck you. You know, but some Uber drivers won't take five-stars because they know they're new and they don't understand it. Oh, my God. I know everything about ratings. You're taking this too far now. Oh, my God. Are you...

I'm not talking about my rating with other people. It's like a hot topic. It's kind of... The new podcast that we're doing is like Uber Anyway, if you need a taxi Thank God we haven't talked about that Oh no, forget that

but I just love the fact that we've just spent 10 minutes on what taxi drivers think of you I love that Well, not much to be honest John Bishop, thank you so much for doing this I feel like we didn't really Well, not much, to be honest. Not a lot. No. John Bishop, thank you so much for doing this.

Thank you for having me. I feel like we didn't really scratch the surface, really, but we could have had about 10,000 more hours with you, so thank you. Oh, no, this has been really, really... But we'll do that at the tasting menu. Really, really enjoyable, yeah. I can't wait, though. I'm actually shitting myself.

Because the Claridge's tasting menu is fucking excellent. Yeah. shit myself. Because the Claridge's taste of menu is fucking expensive. Thank you for being such a good sport. And thank you for always inviting me to do your shows and stuff because I appreciate that.

No other fucker has me on TV. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, John. Please give it up for John Fisher. Merry Christmas, everyone. Have a lovely, lovely Fisher. Merry Christmas, everyone. Have a lovely, lovely Christmas. Thank you, John.

And good night. Cheers. See you later. Right, so I think so. What was the deal? Okay, the deal is if you are lower than me, you're taking us to Claridge's for the tasting menu. And if I'm lower than you... He's not going to be lower, though.

This is shit. how do you know and if you're because you are charming yeah is that was that the deal hardly uses it so that's why no but let's see okay come on then if you're ready so uber please let me probably no just to help him i'm, this is, the anticipation is killing me. Fuck off. What is this? Oh, I'm a five! He's five.

I'm a five! Oh, have a look! Fucking five. Have a look, yes! That's because you're John fucking Bishop. No, look at the trips, look at the trips. Bazillions of trips and I'm a five. Fuck, fuck, there isn't.

I'm a five. Fuck! They're coming up, the trips are coming up. That's because you're John Bishop. Yeah, look at them, look at them. Trips, business trips. Oh, I'm livid, I'm a five. They're coming up, the trips are coming up. That's because you're drunk. I'm livid. There's three in one day. There's three in one day.

Oh my god I hate you. I was the only five in the meeting. That means we get to see you again. You're coming round to us. Thank you. Fuck you. That's the proper result. That is brilliant. Now you're going to talk about it.

Now you're going to talk about me big dick and you're five star rating. I'm going off for dinner first thing. I'm going to go. The music you've listened to on Table Manners is by Peter Duffy and Pete Fraser and Table Manners is edited by the wonderful Alice Williams.