Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - S7 Ep 2: London Hughes - Live from the Edinburgh Festival Fringe

Episode Date: August 8, 2019

How we cackled and gasped at South London's funniest feminist London Hughes. With 5* reviews for her Edinburgh show all over the gaff, we talk to the brilliant and wild Ms Hughes about a lot of d*ck, having the longest name, vegans, bad table manners, saying no to a Nandos Black card and eating Maccy D's in Chelsea. Props to London for devouring our sausage rolls and not wanting to share them with the audience. While this isn't R rated anymore it's still preeeetttty explicit ....my kinda gal! Enjoy and catch her incredible show if you're lucky enough to. X Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Table Manners with me Jessie Ware. We are cooking at the house, it is Saturday morning and we are about to have our second guest for our Edinburgh special mini-series and our second sold out show at Edinburgh. I have been left in charge of the brunch this morning. We've made from the cookbook our toffed sausage rolls and of course mum had something to say about the amount of sausage that I was putting in and not gonna lie one of the three has burst as my mum said but I maintain it will taste exactly the same and who cares um what else have we got we've got banana bread that we made last night didn't have bicarbonate soda so had to do a bit of mathematical adjusting with uh baking powder um very excited

about the guest today and went to see her show last night and it was outrageously uh filthy I loved it so much so I'm not going to be allowed to say any dick innuendos later. So I've made sausage rolls and banana bread because I thought that was quite funny. But anyway, I'm going to now tell my mum that one of the sausage rolls has not worked. I was just blabbering. Mum? One of the sausage rolls has burst. Oh, there's the surprise.

Bye, darling. You overstuffed it, darling. I know. It's uberance from last night. Burst your sausage roll. Oh, Mum, I didn't think you were going to do that. So you're looking forward this morning? I don't know what to wear, actually.

I was going to wear my raunchy, like, Versace copy trousers. I think that's the thing to do, yeah. I feel like she'd appreciate that. Yeah. I thought she dressed very well, actually. Did you? Well, things considered that she had her clothes on. Mum! Mum!

Mum, I'm so excited about the guest today. Why, darling? Because I think she's hysterical and I think she's brilliant. She's very funny. I just hope she keeps it. PG. PG. Remember, our age group is over 12. And there's people that are up to 68 okay so i'm gonna i'm gonna check in the audience i'm gonna do a hands up how many people are under 12 or over

they've got to be over 12 okay i'm gonna try and prize my daughter off youtube and i'm gonna get ready mom's got her curlers in um i'm going to make an effort for the fantastic... Oh my God, I just sounded like Curtis from Love Island. Oh, fantastic young lady, London Hughes. This is such a treat. Thank you so much for coming. You know what? We've done one show already yesterday. This is such a treat. Thank you so much for coming. You know what? We've done one show already yesterday,

and I realised my mother got a bigger round of applause than me, so it feels only right to introduce Miss Lenny West! Bow to your queen! How did that feel, Mum? Great. Yeah? Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl!

Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl!

Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Gwyl! Yn ystod 15? Yn ystod 18? Perffaith! Gallwn fod yn gyffredinol. Perffaith. Sut mae'r hwynau chi'n ei ddod o hyd i chi yma?

Hwynau? O, ffwrdd. Hwynau? Mae gennym ychydig o adborth, a ydym yn iawn? Iawn, iawn. Beth sydd gennym ar y menyw heddiw? Wel, rydych chi wedi gwneud y ddau pethau. Rwy'n hoffi eich bod wedi mynd i lawr y bus.

Ie. Os oedd unrhyw un yn gweld my Instagram, there's a hole in the banana cake because I'm not a baker. Yeah, and show me didn't bring Alex. No. Okay, yeah. Mum likes to bring my brother everywhere. Dr. Alex, if you've heard of the podcast, Dr. Alex is the doctor.

And bakes. Oh, yeah, yeah. And he's her favourite child. Yeah, favourite child. Anyone had a bad turn, he would have been in there. Oh, please, he tells me to have Paris Eastmore for everything. All right. So we've made his banana bread recipe

and sausage roll recipe that we got from Toft with our cousins who are here today at their wedding. We stayed in a hotel and made these fantastic sausage rolls that we adored, so we made them up ourselves and these are all in the cookbook when it comes out and whilst we're on the subject we also have tea towels to sell to you

we've got a bet that I think they're not going to do very well because I think why would anybody want to spend £10 on a tea towel but mum seems to think that we will and it's leopard print for my mother. And actually, I don't know why you're not wearing leopard print. Don't know either, but our guest

is. Our guest is. So I feel like we could keep on chatting, but this person has so much to say. We went to see her show last night. She is filthy. Filthy and fabulous and incredible, and you all need to see her because, honestly, she's going to be the biggest

star in the world. Please, London Hughes, come on. I was looking at you. Hi Hila. You look alright. This is legit. You've got middle class strawberries. I love this.

High five. Hi, guys. Hi, Mumsy. Hi. You look good, Mum. Thank you. I love this so much. So cute. London.

Everyone's going to watch us eat. That's what it is. This can be more different to yesterday in the sense that, like, we... I love it. She didn't eat yesterday. Well, none of us did. We were so British. Well, actually, she was Australian,

but we were kind of like, no, no, no, everyone, please. I'm Jamaican. I'm like, free food. Let's go. What's this? What's this? What's this?

Sausage roll. I feel like we've gone quite... She's in. London. What's the name of your show? My show is called... Try it. Can I swallow?

Yeah. I always do. My show's actually called... My show's called Try I Can't Swallow. Yeah. I always do. My show's actually called My show's called To Catch a Dick. That is the name of my show. It's about my love life. London you've got to tell us how many names have you got? My full name?

Yeah. My full name is London Dion Misha Stacey Stephanie Estina Nibs Hughes. That is my full name. I know! Basically, my name is so long because I was a bit of a miracle baby and every member of my family got to give me a name. But my brothers named me Stacey and Stephanie after girls they fancied.

Men are shit. I'm named after some bitch called Stacey Hughes. I don't even know who she is, what she's doing with her life. She could be a crackhead. I don't even know. So, I mean, good luck to her. But bear in mind, her brother was five at the time. Yeah. It was like a reception class.

A reception crush. Such a player. So, please, you've got to go and see her show, honestly. It's so good. I was like, what is it? Yeah. Good. Thank you so much.

I love this so much. She's in, in London. Where are you from? I'm from London. South London? Yeah, South London. You can tell I'm from South London. I wear it well.

I can't. Let me eat, because I'm so focused on the sausage roll. Whilst you're eating, does anybody else want a sausage roll? Because then London can just... No, don't give out too much. Couple people. Oh, piss off then. They are really good.

Right, hold on a minute. Right, hold on. Come on then. There we go. Love it. Anybody else want one? Isn't it nice? Right, hold on.

Come on, take quick because I've got a show to do. Hold on. Nice, isn't it? Don't give out too much, Jessie, babe. All right. Banana bread as well. Banana bread. I'm going back. I need to ask some questions because she's got so much to say. I've give out too much, Jessie, babe. All right, OK. Banana bread as well. Banana bread. I'm going back.

I need to ask some questions because she's got so much to say. I've swallowed now, Jessie. Right, OK, we'll be back. I'm ready. You know what they did yesterday? Gannets. Right, we were like, we were all very polite yesterday and didn't eat. And when we got back and we had this sweaty cheesecake that mum had brought from London

and it all went because they're a greedy bunch so if you are a greedy bunch you may have to push each other out the way to get some of the banana bread and sausage roll at the end um mum's getting me some prosecco yes I love this I love this you're the best this is great I'm enjoying myself honestly I don't know about you lot don't know what you're getting from it but I'm getting so much of being here this is amazing thank you for having me oh my god it's such a pleasure. So I want to know about growing up in Croydon. Yeah.

Thornton Heath. Thornton Heath, Croydon. The birthplace of Stormzy. Oh, yeah. I used to be the most famous thing about it. And now it's Stormzy. It used to be me and 24-hour Tesco. And now it's Stormzy.

But, yeah, it's a great place to escape. It's great. I don't go in it. I don't go in it anymore because I've got money now. I don't need to. I don't go anymore because I've got money now. I don't need to go back to Croydon. I now live in Battersea Park. Oh, darling. In South West London.

Like Arabella Chee. Like, literally, where she lives is round the corner from me. Did anyone watch Love Island? Okay, so, weirdly, London and I ended up on a WhatsApp group. A Love Island WhatsApp group. I thought it was quite a secret and elite group. It is. But then I realised there were 100 members on there.

Is there? Yes. Mate, it's the weirdest Love Island WhatsApp group ever, you know. Jessie's in it. I'm in it. Jonathan Ross is in it. Lena Dunham is in it. Yeah.

It is mad. Yeah, it is mad. And we just chat shit about Love Island. And we've got Megan. We put Megan in it. Megan fucking Bart is mad. Yeah, it is mad. And we just chat shit about Love Island. And we've got Megan. Megan's, we put Megan in it. Megan fucking Barton Hanson, you know, Megan.

We put her in it. Montana. Oh yeah, Montana Brown, yeah, giving us the insight about whether they actually get fed

because I'm always worried that they're always eating like cereal and they're just not getting fed and it's a bit like, who's saying it was like Fire Festival.

They were eating a shit cheese sandwich. Yeah, it's crazy. We've got so much insight. If you want all the gossip on Love Island. But I'm really proud of Amber. Oh, I love that. Did you lot vote for Amber and Greg?

Yeah, come on. Loved her. Love Greg. So sexy. Greg. I feel like maybe we're just trying to keep this flame lit and alive, the Love Island thing, where we're just talking about it. Well, it's coming out again.

And I feel like everyone's like, it's done, goodbye. Nah, it's never done. We live in an island of love. So yeah, growing up in Croydon, who was cooking the meals? Not me! Oh, I can't cook. The last time I cooked anything was year nine food technology. I made a Cornish pasty, it tasted like

bricks and I just was like, it's not for me. But your mum a good cook. My mum's an amazing cook, she's great. Jamaican food? Jamaican food proper like everything jerk chicken curry goat everything. Can we talk about your mum she was an Olympic athlete? Nearly Olympic. Okay let's just say Olympic. She was a Commonwealth, she ran a 100m sprint in a Commonwealth Games but then caught a sudden case of dick. Yeah she did and that resulted in a pregnancy, I'm afraid. Not me, I'm a blessing. My brother.

And she had to quit running altogether to give birth. My brother ruined her fucking life! I tell him every day! He grew up to be a security guard! She ruined my mum's Olympic dreams for a security guard! I hate him! I love him.

But I hate him! It's real life security guard. I hate him. I love him. But I hate him. Oh, my God. It's real life, man. Shit, man. I feel sorry for her. She's fine. But I could have been the daughter of an Olympian. Now I'm the daughter of a nurse.

Oh, that's pretty amazing. To be honest, yeah. To be honest. Big up nurses. Is that better? Yeah, I think so. Big up nurses, though. I couldn't do what they do, to be honest.

Does your mum do the thing where when you're sick, you go, mum, I've got this. And she's like, just fuck it. You'll be fine. Yeah, she does so. Big up nurses, though. I couldn't do what they do, to be honest. Does your mum do the thing where when you're sick, you go, mum, I've got this, and she's like, just fuck it, you'll be fine? Yeah, she does. That's what my brother does. He's like, it's so unhelpful. He doesn't prescribe medicine to me when I need it. Oh, no.

Doesn't give me drugs when I ask her to give me drugs. Literally, she's just like, oh, you'll be fine. And we're Jamaican anyway, so we've got this whole drink some rum. That's our little, have a bit of rum. Or ginger. Yeah, have a bit. No, just rum.

You got a cold? Rum it up. You losing your voice? Rum it up. Diarrhoea? Rum it up. Rum. That works for everything. Do you think you've got good table manners? No. I've got terrible... I was on a show called

Celebs Go Dating and... Oh, were you? Yeah. I didn't see that. I was on Celebs Go Dating and literally... How did that work out? Basically, I got to date white guys. I got free food and I got to date white guys and it was amazing and I got paid. It was amazing. I would do it again in a

heartbeat. What was the food like? The food was exceptional. They took us to really nice restaurants because I'm a classy bitch. I had really good food and on my dates, the guys didn't want to eat because they were on TV and you know me, I'm free with my mouth. I'm free classy bitch. And they took me to... I had really good food. And on my dates, like, the guys didn't want to eat because they were, like, on TV. And I was... You know me.

I'm free with my mouth. I'm free with my mouth. I was eating and I was sampling, living my best life. It was great. And how did you work... How did it work out?

I didn't care about the guys. I thought about the food. No. It's that... Guys that go on that show, they just want Instagram followers. They don't want actual love. So I didn't find anyone.

But it's fine because I got a lot of food and I I got paid and people were like oh London's really funny but my food my table manners got trolled oh yeah I'm quite a gassy person I'm quite gassy so like if I eat and then I have a cocktail just but you gotta lay out because you get gastrointest you know I mean don't want to risk gastro-nitis. Unless you're in love. I'll risk gastro-nitis for the one I love. But a guy on a date, I'm burping in his face. I don't love you yet. I'm not risking gastro-nitis for you. So I would burp on dates.

Just to the side. What? Just to the side. Did they catch you on the... Oh, yeah. Oh, no. Just a burping. We do it.

I'm classy. London, what's your favourite sort of food? Ooh. Besides everything. Anything meaty. I love flavour. I don't like anything vegetable-y. I understand.

That's all good for you. I like just the meat and I just inject it in my veins. Like, I like really tasty, unhealthy food. So, have you had breakfast yet? I don't eat breakfast. Oh. Because, apparently, there's this new, like, diet where you eat up to 12 had breakfast yet? I don't eat breakfast. Oh. Because apparently there's this new diet where you eat up to 12. Yeah, that's what Jessie's doing now.

Yeah, what's it called? Intimate and fasting. Yes, I'm doing it. My metabolism isn't blessed, so I have to eat in those intervals. That way I can eat what I want. What's your interval? What's your eight-hour window? So I literally eat from 12.

So I guess it just started now. It started now, and I'll finish around seven. But then in that I can eat whatever the fuck I want. And it's fine. And I'll eat cake and I'll eat pizza. And it's fine. I'll still be a skinny bitch. So it's cool.

It's cool. But yeah. So you don't think you've got bad table manners. Is there anything you particularly don't like in other people when they do, when they have bad table manners? Like what's the worst thing? Do you know what? The thing is I'm a sharer. So I think it's bad table manners if you don't's the worst thing? Do you know what? The thing is, I'm a sharer.

So I think it's bad table manners if you don't let me have your food. That's disrespect. Jessica, she could be your best friend. We'd literally be like this. Literally, I'm like, oh, what, so you get the front, I'm going to get this,

so you get that, and we're sharing. Yeah, but that doesn't really mean sharing, does it? No, it does, because I'm a tomahawk. It doesn't with Jessie. That means yours is mine

and what's mine is mine. Oh, I see. Oh, she's greedy. But I order the whole menu. I know, darling, you eat the whole menu. Do you know who does that? Amy Schumer. Oh, yeah. Because she's new money, when she goes to a restaurant, she orders everything on the menu. Oh, wow. Just everything. Just to show

that she's got a lot of money. Yeah, just to sample everything. Have you eaten with Amy Schumer? No, but I have friends that have eaten with Amy Schumer. I'm not at that level yet. I'm on route. Netflix special coming up. She orders everything. I'm like that.

I like to pick, because I've got money in it. I've got to pick. I've got to pick a tune. And I'm classy. When I was broke, I still lived my best life. When I was broke and I ate at McDonald's, I ate at McDonald's in Chelsea. Do you know what I mean?

So you've got to live your best food life. Do you know what I mean? So you've got to live your best food life. Do you know what I mean? So where are you eating out in London these days? Like, where's your favourite place? I'm wanky, though. Come on. I'm not so ho-house. That's not that wanky, babe.

Babe, what's that? It's a mumsy. It's a members club. Oh, no, she knows about Soho House. Oh, yeah, yeah. You've been to her house, mumsy. It's good, isn't it? Yeah, I love it.

I just like it. I am the oldest there by about 30 years. Yeah, at Soho House. And you know how they're supposed to be discreet there? There's like no phones. There's like no... People come up to you and go, excuse me, I love the podcast. Yeah.

Yeah, and they adopt me. That's what you have when you go there. That's good, though. Your podcast is doing very well. Look, everybody, it's great. Thank you. It's great, babes. Thank you.

So, okay, you eat at Soho House. Soho House. I do like Nobu. Yeah. I do like... I like Sketch. It's all central London. It's like places that make at Soho House. Soho House. I do like Nobu. Yeah. I do like, I like Sketch. It's all central London places. Places that make you feel great and you can dress up.

I like customer service. I like to feel like a queen. I want that mega money. I like, like, I like going out. But you know there's table service at McDonald's now. Is there? Yeah. In Lewisham.

Is there? Yeah. I ain't going, I'm never going to Lewisham. You have a little iPad and you pick your thing and they come to the table. They come to the table and deliver it.

That's classy. Yeah. That's classy. You're really living there, aren't you? My biggest actual regret actually is I got offered a Nando's black card,

free Nando's for life. Oh, I didn't know they still did them. No, I got, I offered them when they were doing them and I said no. Why?

Because it was beneath me. Oh my God. Nando was beneath me because I was like, you have to, it's £15 and I have to walk up and serve myself

for chicken. For £15 chicken. And I have to go to the counter myself. Yeah, I understand that. It's not slavery. Slavery was over a long time ago. I'm not doing that.

So I was like, no, I don't want a Nando's black card. It's beneath me. And now I regret it because Nando's is like, it's fab. It's great, no, I don't want a Nando's black card. It's beneath me. And now I regret it because Nando's is like... Yeah, it's fab. It's great. It's good.

Do we like Nando's? It's good chicken. So yeah, I regret it. I love you so much. You're basically doing my job for me. This is amazing. Oh, you put me on your podcast and thought that I'd be quiet?

Nah. Like, all the audience, no, you fucked up. We're getting married on the podcast because I was just going to chat and eat and chat and eat. OK, if we do a Christmas special, will you do it?

Oh, what, is there going to be turkey and chick and gammon? Yeah, the whole thing. No, not gammon. Why not gammon? We're Jewish. What, Jewish people can't eat gammon? No. No, but they shouldn't also...

Well, they can't really, but we do it now and again. We should even do it at Christmas, but whatever. Why can't you have gammon? It's pork. Higgs. No! Yeah. OK. It's all right.

Have you never had it? Is it because they're scavengers? No, they're not very clean pigs. Hold on, you've never had gammon? Yeah, we've had it. I've never had gammon. But you're not allowed. Mum says, no, we're Jews.

She has prosciutto in the fridge all the time. Oh, OK. I said no Jews, people couldn't eat gammon. I love how sad you look for us. I feel so upset. Because I had a friend, she's Jamaican and Jewish, she's Jew-macon. Jew-macon.

She's Jew-macon. And I didn't know she was out here not eating gammon. I need to call her to make sure she's OK. But she probably is eating gammon. Yeah. Just not like... Yeah, I mean, Mum, you've definitely got prawns and prosciutto in your fridge. I have. OK, so why does... God's a. Yeah. Just not like... Yeah, I mean, Mum, you've definitely got prawns and prosciutto in your fridge. I have.

OK, so why does... God's a forgiving God. Why does Jewish... Why can't you eat pork in the Jewish religion? It's just... It has something to do with their hooves, I think. Oh, really? What are their hooves?

My cousin Deborah will tell us. Are there any... The hooves? Are there any Jews in the audience? Oh, hold on. My cousin. One sec. One sec.

I like so people, Debs. Hold on a minute. Like, hold on a minute. All right. Can't eat anything that doesn't chew the cud and have cloven hooves. Say that again. Chew the cud.

So they keep chewing and chewing and chewing and regurgitating their food and they have cloven hooves. That's why they taste so nice, though. They're letting it marinate in them. Is that why you can't eat it? Yeah. Oh, wow.

And shellfish as well. What's wrong with shellfish? Well, I'm not quite sure. They're scavengers of the sea. Scavengers of the sea? They eat all the shit at the bottom. Oh, my God. Thank you, cousin Deborah.

Thank you so much. Oh, my God. Have you got any, because I feel like, because you've got so much content. Content. Any memorable date meals? Because I feel like you, I mean, there was this amazing, I don't want to give everything away,

but there's this amazing picnic that she has with a heroin user. You've got to listen. Yeah, anyway. But have you had any other memorable, any other memorable dates? The date? Food-wise.

Food-wise, let me think. I think, with me on dates, I literally, I'm like a dude. And I like to be like, I'm like a dude and I like to be like I'm ordering this and I don't mind paying even though I should have paid I don't think women should pay

because I can see it costs more than your whole outfit so why do you know what I mean like why am I paying you pay

but anyway I decide that I'm going to pay and I'm going to get all those food but I had a date with a vegan I'm sorry

are there any vegans I'm sorry are there any I respect your. I respect your decisions. I respect your decisions, Mark. I lost so many of my friends to veganism last year. So many of my friends, and we used to hang out and go to places and eat. And then they became vegan.

I know, it's terrible. Where could we go? It's terrible. Jessie, what could we do? Where could you go out?'s terrible. Jessie, what could we do? Sorry, mate, you don't know. Where could you go out? She can't handle eating. Can't deal with it.

It's just traumatic for me. Do you know that... You were fine. You used to eat pork. What happened? What went wrong? And I feel like I can't get them out of it. They're just in that vegan bubble

and they hang out with all their vegans. They call it a V-gang. A V-gang. I'm in a V-gang. It's like I can't... I've lost... Sorry, it's traumatic. It's triggering I can't. I've lost. Sorry, it's triggering. I went on a date with a vegan and it was just, what could we do?

Where did you go? We went to this really fancy restaurant that looked like it wasn't vegan. Yeah. And looked like I could eat the shit there. And then all the shit there was just lentils. Everything was lentils. And then everything's lentils. And I was just like, this is not.

Did you not have a second date? No! I respect myself too much. I've got one life to live. I'm not going to have my life flash back before my eyes and just see lentils and hummus. I'm not doing that shit. One life to live, you know. One life, mum.

Sorry if there's any vegans here. No, they're too scared to put their hands up. I'm sure there's some vegetarians. I'm sure there's veggies. Oh, my God. Wow. Look, there's one. Wow, this is... He's so tired because he's not getting enough protein,

so he was like, oh. I'm a veggie. Oh. Oh. This is my type of crowd chat. Oh, my God. I'm here. So how many brothers and sisters do you have?

So I've got two older brothers and two younger sisters. So it's a big family. Big family. But the interesting thing about my family is I'm very much black. You can tell. I'm very black. But my grandparents on my dad's side are white. And their names are Dorian and Bill.

Dorian just died this year. But Dorian and Bill, they're just died this year but Dorian and Bill passed away but they are the whitest white white people ever and they adopted my dad when he was a baby and they were the first white people in the whole of Sussex to adopt a black

child. Is that actually true? Yeah. Oh wow. My grandma had one kid and then they said you couldn't have another kid it would kill you. So she was like, okay, I'm going to adopt a child. They went to an adoption agency, saw my dad and the woman that ran the agency was like, well, he's black, he's not going to, this is like 60 years ago,

he's black, he's not going to get a home. And she was like, she couldn't leave before taking, she's like, I have to adopt him. That's amazing. So she adopted my dad. So Christmas is very different! Because I have a white Christmas, guys. Do you? I really do.

Because I'm Jamaican. So Christmas at my mum's, my grandma on my mum's side, is like jerk chicken, rice and peas, gammon, macaroni cheese. And then Christmas at my white grandma's house is just like really dry chicken. Really dry chicken with no seasoning. Just none. Just a bit of salt is what they think they think yeah they think that's and then macaroni cheese and then so you still have macaroni that

crosses over jamaica and british culture but then it's just like pale chicken dry turkey brussels sprouts you don't like yorkshire but nah and it's just like i respect my grandparents so i'm like this is amazing but i just prefer. Nah. And it's just like, I respect my grandparents. So I'm like, this is amazing. But I just prefer Christmas at the Jamaicans. Just because it's got more flavour. So is it just a full table and it's all day and people keep eating the whole time? What, at the Jamaica? Yeah.

Oh, yeah. Like Christmas, listen, we just eat. Like if you go, any of you that went to my grandma's house right now, there'd be food there for you. It's like they keep it. It's just ready for people to come round. We keep all our foods... As a kid, I grew up looking in the freezer and seeing ice cream tubs and being like,

oh, my God, and then opening up the ice cream tubs and it's frozen rice. That is literally... That's not you. We just freeze everything. We freeze the rice, we freeze the meat, and then we just reheat it. And that is literally...

There's always food in a Jamaican person's house. But this is the thing. Same with Jewish people's houses. My husband has a really weird thing about reheating food. He just, like, won't touch it. Oh, really? Yeah, I think because he grew up with no microwave, so it's kind of like...

Oh, how would I eat? How would I eat if I didn't have a microwave? It's just, it really annoys me. So I'll be like, that's absolutely fine. There's food in the freezer. Oh, yeah. Don't do it. The whole point of freezing it is that you freeze the best before date

and it's fine yeah you freeze the bacteria it's fine it's fine anyway he's funny about it in Jamaica yeah Caribbean households were freezing everything

in my white grandparents house it's fresh but it's not tasty it's not I love them to bits they are awesome awesome it was crazy

when they even adopted my dad back then because racism was very very very real and my grandma's mother disowned her for adopting my dad because my grandma's mother was very racist. She had a cat called Nigger.

That's how racist... I know. So my dad grew up in a household where his mum's white, his dad's white, he's a black kid in a white area, Crawley, which is near Gatwick Airport, which was just the most racist area at the time. And yeah, and he was a young black man growing up on Brussels sprouts and dry chicken. So the moment he married my mum and she cooked for him,

he was like, mmm, what a good seasoning. Like, he was so happy with all the food. But you moved back to Brighton. Well, I mean, your grandparents weren't from Brighton, but just outside. Is that the reason you moved to Brighton? No, my mum decided to buy a hotel. Like, she got a renaissance. She was like, listen, I was, your grandparents weren't from Brighton, but just outside. Is that the reason you moved to Brighton? No, my mum decided to buy a hotel. Like, she got a renaissance.

She was like, listen, I was in the Olympics. I nearly made it. Now I'm a nurse. I'm going to try again. I'm going to buy a hotel. She just bought a hotel and moved me to Brighton. It was great. I lived in a hotel.

Are they still there? She's retired now. But imagine having room service at 15. I was living my best life. Room service. One in the morning. What did you order? Cheese was living my best life. Room service. What did you order? Cheeseburgers. All day.

All day. And truffle fries. We were doing truffle fries. Oh, shit. Before Edwin was born. Where were you? We were doing truffle fries. 2004, baby.

Oh, shit. Truffle fries. Truffle fries. I was living my best life, Jessie. Oh, my God. That sounds amazing. Cheeseburger, truffle fries. Bed made. Every day. oh my god that sounds amazing cheeseburger truffle fries bed made room service

coming to just make your bed and shit before you go to school doing my GCSE it's crazy it's a different world I loved when you put up a thing on the whatsapp group lots of people were slowly trickling

like da da da da has left the group and I'm like fuck you don't come back but yeah you were doing latitude and they gave you your accommodation Lots of people were slowly trickling, like, da-da-da-da has left the group. And we're like, fuck you, don't come back. But, yeah, you were doing Latitude. Yeah. And they gave you your accommodation. Yeah.

And you were like, no, no, no, no. They went, so you don't know about Latitude Festival? Right, so I went for the first time this year. It is beneath me. Because they were like, oh, we've got these. I was like, I don't do camping. I'm not outside. I'm an indoor person. Me too.

Yeah, I don't do outside. That's what houses were made for. Yeah. We're not in the dark ages. I'm not outside. I'm an indoor person. Me too. Yeah, I don't do outside. That's what houses were made for. Yeah. We're not in the dark ages. Why am I outside? I don't do outside. So I was like, if I'm going to do this festival...

They didn't give you a tent. I was like, no, no, no, we've got luxury camping. I said, okay. They said, we've got you a little cabin, a chalet.

I was like, cool. I'm going to go in a chalet. Right? It wasn't a chalet. It was a shed with a bed in it. And I looked at that shit like, this is beneath me. You're not paying me enough to sleep in a bed with a shed.

It was very weird. I had to leave. I had to put myself into the nearest hotel and just leave. I loved it so much. When I saw that you were like, selfie in the hotel, you were like,

we saw the shed and then we saw the hotel and we saw the difference and the happiness. Yeah, because they can't get no room service in the shed. How am I supposed to get... And the showers were communal. I know. So even.

I had to leave the bed shed to walk across the grass naked in my towel to have a shower. For what? We are not animals. No. Camping is ridiculous. It's literally poor people cosplay. That's what it is.

Camping is poor people cosplay. Why we do it, I don't know. Why do they do it? Why do you do it? Oh, let's pretend that I have no money. Oh, my husband wants us to do it. What? Let me just pretend.

It'll be so good for you. To pretend? Yeah. I've got money. I don't know if it's the Jewish princess in me, but my husband's like, oh, we're nearly getting to the time where our daughter can go camping.

You know, are you ready? No, I'm not ready. I will never be ready. That is child cruelty. Why are you doing that? It's so annoying. Do people camp here? Don't do it.

No, innit? We've got sense. It's beneath us. London, have you been to Jamaica? Yes, I've been to Jamaica. How many times? I've been to Jamaica three times. Do you love it? No, I don't. London, have you been to Jamaica? Have I been? Yes, I've been to Jamaica. How many times? I've been to Jamaica three times.

Do you love it? No, I don't. Oh, why? Do you know what? Jamaica's lovely because it's hot and stuff. Yeah. But when you go... The food?

The food's amazing. The food. Festival. Jerk pork. Jerk? Jerk? Oh, sorry. Okay.

Why? Because it's just nice and juicy. Oh, my God. Jerk pork is the best invention. I'm sorry. No, it's okay. We'll have it. We'll have it after. Jerk pork. You can have it in Jamaica.

Does it still count as Jewish? Oh, yeah. If you're in a different country, are you still Jewish? You can change it up. Fine. Change it up. Be Christian. What happens in Jamaica stays in Jamaica.

What happens in Jamaica stays in Jamaica. It really does. Jerk pork is exceptional. Yeah, the food's exceptional. And it's really, really hot. But it's just kind of like, oh, when I go to Jamaica, because I'm from Britain, everyone just assumes, like, I have so much money.

Because that's what they see Brits as. Oh, yeah. So all my cousins come out in the world, like, I'm your cousin. Give me that tree and us. I'm your cousin. Give me, make it $20. Give me $20.

And I have to spend so much money just giving it to people. And they fleece her. They proper fleece her. But I love Jamaica. And yeah, the food. Food is great. Top notch. If I could cook,

it would be Jamaican food. So which bit of Jamaica are they from? So my mum's from a place called Alston, which is literally a field. Like there's like, she showed me where she lived and I was like, is that it?

Like literally, it's like a bed with a shed. Like she lived me where she lived, and I was like, is that it? Like, it's so, like, literally, it's like a bed with a shed. Like, she lived, where she lived in Jamaica was really poor, and it's so crazy. When she, my mum moved here when she was nine, and she said when she got to England, because in Jamaica they say England, the roads are paved with gold. Like, go to England, make money, get a better life. Everyone thought that, and people would come over.

My grandma came over in the Windrush. Like, everybody was like, come over and work. And so when she left in Jamaica where her house was, it wasn't a big house, but they had massive lands. And it was like, the house was okay, but the land was amazing. Oh God, it turns up here. In her head, she was like,

okay, we're moving to England for a better life. She goes to Peckham in London and she sees a road, you know, like obviously British houses are all joined together. She thought the whole road was her house. She was like, there is no way that I left Jamaica for one little house, so every single one of them must be my house.

And she got a rude shock when she realised she couldn't leave. Literally, she was in a tiny house. She didn't understand why she'd leave all that space for that, for a two-bedroom, two up, two down. I want to know how you... I mean, obviously, you are hysterical. But when did you decide to be a comedian?

When? Well, like, I mean, you obviously were born, but, like... I was born. You were born funny, right? No, but the thing is, I don't think I was. Really? I couldn't take a joke, man. Oh, really?

I used to, like, my family would tease me. me like my family are banter kings and queens so they they would tease me and I'd be like so you just like stored them all up yeah and they find it hilarious that I'm a comedian now because I could not take a joke at all so what changed basically do you know what it is I there's something I know this sounds so wanky, but everyone's got a thing inside them that's like, that's your pure you, your pure version of you. And mine was like a performer and entertainer, but I couldn't let it out because I got bullied a lot. So I got bullied in school.

And like most people get bullied by bullies. I got bullied by my friends. So I'd have, that's so fucking sad. I'd have friends and like, they'd be nice to me one day and then next day just be horrible to me for no reason. Girls are fucking sad. I'd have friends and they'd be nice to me one day and then next day just be horrible to me for no reason. Girls are fucking bitches. I know they are.

Oh, girls. Oh, girls are shit. The worst. They are the worst. I remember I had a birthday party at Pizza Hut when I was 12 and I invited all my friends

and my mum didn't have a lot of money so I was like, I can't, she can't pay for all of you to have pizza but she'll pay for all of your drinks and could you bring some money? And all my friends were like, no, I'm not doing pizza, but she'll pay for all of your drinks. And could you like bring some money? And all my friends were like, no, I'm not doing that.

Unless she's paying for it, I'm not coming. And I was like, oh my God, so no one's going to show up. So I had this birthday party with me and my mum and my one friend and this whole table with 10 empty seats. Oh no. But here's the fucking killer. I'm eating my like princess pepperoni and I'm eating my thing

and trying to make the best of a bad situation. Then all my friends show up, and I'm like, oh, my God, they've come to join me. They sit at the table opposite and order pizza and pay for it themselves and have the best time and laugh at me. They were my friends. This is what I'm saying.

I used to get bullied like that. I got bullied all the way up until university. And so when I was in uni, I everyone said I was funny but I would I was getting bullied by my friends and I was just like I don't understand I didn't think I could be a comedian because there's I'd only ever see Lee Evans do comedy and I am not Lee Evans so I didn't think I could be funny I didn't think black girls could be comedians or women could be comedians so um yeah I I basically went on stage at my Kingston University talent show and I did a bit of stand-up for the first time just to see if anything went down well and did it and it did and

I got such a like a huge reaction from the crowd everybody laughed and that was the validation like you know the thing that was inside me when I came on stage and told jokes and everyone laughed I was like oh my god these strangers like me and I'm enough sounds so wanky I was like, oh my God, these strangers like me and I'm enough. Sounds so wanky. I was like, I'm enough. And so that was the validation. I was like, oh my God, yeah, I am a good person. I am a fun person. I have the talent.

I have something to offer the world. And I didn't think I could make money from it though. I didn't think 10 years later, I'd be sitting here with Jessie Ware and Mumsy and there was these white people looking at me. I didn't think that this would happen. So like, yeah, 10 years,

I started comedy when I was 20 and I got sacked from TGI Fridays and I did my uni talent show and comedians were at the talent show

and they got me a spot in Soho and I did stand up there and they offered me a job there. So I went from working with TGI Fridays literally to being

a stand up. It's been 10 years. I want to know, has everyone booked their shows to see? How does it work here? Because this is the first time I'm in Edinburgh. I don't really know. I just care about what I'm eating.

There's an app. Oh, is there? Yes, Jessie. Jessie, why don't we get the app? So I was too busy fucking making a banana bread bun. Wait, did you make this? Yes, she did. Did you make the sausage roll? Yes. Shut her dick. You made that? Yes, I did. Did you make the sausage roll? Yes. Shut her dick. You made that?

Yes. No. This morning. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I was like, this is good, but you just... You said it was Greg's. No.

No. Waitrose. Waitrose. Never. I just thought you went Waitrose and got some really middle class. No, no. Middle class. These are exceptional. Thank you so much.

This is the best sausage roll I have ever had. Tell her what's in them, Jessie. Oh, my God. Tell her what's in them. You are really lukewarm. That was like a meee fucking hell. Yeah, no, there's, what is it? It's Lincolnshire sausages, cheddar cheese, mustard, and then fennel seeds on the top.

Is there any comedians that you think are worthwhile seeing? Nah, me. All the women, the women are killing it this year, you know? There's some strong women. We've got Jess Foster-Cue, she's got a show called Hench. Jade Adams has got a show called The Ballad of Kylie Jenner's Old Face. Oh, what? I want to see that! Yeah, I actually want to see it called The Ballad of Kylie Jenner's Old Face. Oh, what? I want to see that. Yeah, I actually want to see it.

We should see it together. Oh, my God. The Ballad of Kylie Jenner's Old Face. I think like seven something. She's great. Like, all the women. Do you know what? I wrote this show because I came to Edinburgh last year just to see what the fuss was about.

And the people that they were saying were like, this is a hot thing. These are the hot people. White dudes, man. And I was like, you lot need me. Just a are the hot people. White dudes, man. And I was like, you lot need me. Just a bit of something different. A bit of seasoning on the tail. It's not totally diverse.

It's not, man. It's not diverse. And they're great. I'm not going to slag off white dudes. I love them. But it was just like the same shit. And so when you go to the Fringe, like, obviously see the white dudes,

but then also just try and add a bit of seasoning to your list. If you want to add a bit of seasoning to your list if you want to season a bit of pepper come see my show but yeah that's why I just feel like the comedy scene needs shaking up especially in Britain especially with women what was the review

somebody said about your show they're calling me the new wild child of comedy which I love I have to say it's an absolute honour to be at Edinburgh doing a show. And thank God we have people like London on. But I've always been a bit like, comedy, I find it... I don't... You don't like to laugh?

No, I do, but I find it quite painful and quite forced when you have to go and sit in a room and watch somebody... How do you think we feel at your concerts, babe? I've got to sit in a room, hear songs I already know. You ain't thinking nothing I don't know. Where's the new content?

Same shit. Very good. Do you know, I was going to give you a compliment. Yeah, wait. What I was going to give you a compliment. Yeah, wait. What I was going to say was that I don't know about you. Maybe because you're here, you like this kind of thing. But I find it quite stressful to be like,

oh God, I have to laugh because nobody's laughing. This is so shit. That's because you're a nice person. You don't actually have to laugh. I cackled at yours. That's because you liked it. I did like it. I loved it.

If you didn't like it, I don't want no pity laugh. Do you know what I mean? Would you pity laugh, do you think? Yes. See? I would have. You're so nice. Has your mum seen the show? No! Thank God. The thing is about my mum, yeah, she's so funny. I did a show.

My mum, so the show's called To Catch Your Dick and literally it's about my love life and it's all true and it's no holds barred. She came to one of my gigs, yeah, and my mum's called To Catch Your Dick, and literally it's about my love life, and it's all true, and it's no holds barred. She came to one of my gigs, yeah, and my mum would be laughing, cracking up, dying. And afterwards I was like, mum, why are you laughing? Why are you the loudest laughing at all my dick-sucking jokes? And she's like, oh, because I know you're only joking. Can we find out your Uber rating, please?

Because I'm very intrigued about how this will go down. Jessie, you didn't even do her last supper. Oh, shit, you've been talking. Okay, we need to do last supper. Last supper. So, once in a while, I'm going to die. No, well, it's only time I'm in prison. Well, you might be going to Desert Island for a couple of years.

Oh, so my last supper. Last supper. Definitely, definitely jerk pork is involved. Okay. Anything salted caramel for dessert. If it's grass, with salted caramel grass, I'm eating the grass. I love anything salted caramel for dessert. If it's salted caramel, if it's grass, with salted caramel grass, I'm eating the grass. Right.

I love anything salted caramel. Fine. And, you can have a starter. Just more gammon. Just gammon. Just a lot of pig. Gammon,

jerk pork, and salted caramel grass. What's your drink? What's your drink? I have weird drinks. So everyone's like, I invent drinks really well. So when I was 15,

I invented Jack Daniels and Coke in a can. I actually did. And everyone's like, it will never catch on because So when I was 15, I invented Jack Daniels and Coke in a can. I actually did. And everyone's like, it will never catch on because you have to have different measures. And now I could have been a millionaire. So yeah, I invent drinks. But my drinks are, these are great drinks. Go forth and try them out.

Rum and apple juice. That sounds great. Oh, it's amazing. What kind of rum? Would you use a dark rum? Dark rum or rain juice. You could use Jamaican over-pink rum, aka petrol. You could have that.

That will kill you, make you lean sideways, but it's just, it's amazing. Brandy and apple juice. Oh, that's the future. And I like sweet drinks. Just a Rano and orange juice.

It's a vibe. What about Amaretto Sours? Amaretto Sours, Malibu and pineapple juice. You go to Tesco, you can buy Malibu and pineapple juice in a can. It will make the world go round. I love Malibu and pineapple juice. You go to Tesco, you can buy Malibu and pineapple juice in a can. It will make the world go round. I love Malibu and pineapple.

It's so tasty, but it's 5%. So you have four or five, you get a bit light-footed. And you're a bit... It's like £2.50, four cans for £5 a time. Go to Tesco. I mean, other places are available. But yeah, go, live your best life. I like my alcoholic drinks to not taste like alcohol.

Uber rating. Oh, sorry. Sorry, mum's in live your best life. I like my alcoholic drinks to not taste like alcohol. Okay. Uber rating. Oh, sorry. Sorry, mum's in. My Uber rating, I haven't even looked. Let me check. Okay.

How do I check it? Oh, don't worry. I'll find it. Right. Okay. Let's see. Oh my God. What?

I underestimated you. What? You were a 4.7. Is that good or bad? That's fucking excellent. That is awesome. Thank you. Thank you so much!

Press that voice! Press that potty mouth! Oh my god, please go and see her show. Where is it on? It's at 8.15 at the Pleasance Attic in the Pleasance Courtyard. It's called Catch a Dick. Mum said it should have been on at 12 o'clock. Ha ha! Sorry mum bitch. Yeah, it's been to catch it. Mum said it should have been on at 12 o'clock. Sorry, mum bitch.

Yeah, it's been such a pleasure. Jesus Christ. Thanks for having me, man. Can I take the food? You can. And anyone can have a taste if they want. Do you want some banana? Do you want a banana cake?

Yeah. Anybody? I'm going to do it. Oh, okay. I used to work at CJ on Fridays. Okay, I'll do one. You do one. I'll do the other.

Banana cake? What's a banana cake? Banana cake on this? You had sausage rolls. Banana cake. Who wants banana? Oh, my goodness. I loved it so much.

Yeah. I feel like those audience didn't know... That audience didn't know what hit them. Two people left. What? So Alice ran after them and said, were you offended? They said, no, we thought Jessie was singing. Oh!

Are you kidding? And they didn't bother to stay for the hour. Fucking my show's more expensive than this, I have to tell you. Fucking hell, Jesus. Jessie, less language. Those, oh, sorry, it's just because I've been in the presence of greatness.

Great swearing greatness. She doesn't swear that, well, she does a bit. She does a bit of everything, doesn't she? I loved her. She is incredible. She was such good fun. She was.

She is bright as a button and kind of i mean sharp i mean look we're just cutting our teeth she's searingly bright oh yeah i'm funny and just like it's amazing it's inspiring to watch her interact like she just knows how to hold court it's amazing and she ate the food i know first person we've ever had straight down like was like great i'm gonna eat perfect loved it and they were greedy bunches today i can't believe those people left that's so weird where did they leave it's a table manners with jesse where it's a picture of me and you yeah did they think i was going to duet my endless love well

I do hope you do come to my live show which will be next year but you know and they did miss a treat I loved her thank you to everyone who came

and was very I mean I've never that was a lot of laughs thank you London Hughes you yeah I absolutely adore you and everyone

please go and see To Catch a Dick To Catch a D To Catch a Dick. To Catch a D. To Catch a Willie. Yeah, not going to say it. 8.15 at the Attic at the Pleasance Theatre. And it really will blow your mind. And you will need a lie down after.

I'm just going for one.