Table Manners with Jessie and Lennie Ware - Second Helpings - Alan Carr

Episode Date: September 6, 2023

We’re bringing back the ultimate guest for our Second Helpings series, the one and only Alan Carr. We knew we were in for a treat but this might have been our funniest guest yet?! From the moment he walked in discussing his farm animals' sexual exploits to his eventual 'Come Dine with Me' scoring of 1/10 for us - my GOD we laughed. And drunk. This was such a pleasure to listen back to and I hope you enjoy it too! Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello and welcome to Table Manners Second Helpings. I'm Jessie Ware and I'm here with my mum Lenny and we are bringing you some of our wonderful guests from early seasons of Table Manners. We've been going for six years nearly and this one is from season three. It was July 2018. It was a hot day and an even hotter day when Alan Carr walked through that door. Mum, a memorable one. Memorable and I don't know that I'd ever laughed as much, that I couldn't barely breathe and barely eat. He was so funny.

We cackled. But to be honest, I've just been in Greece with Alan Carr shooting a new TV show, Mamma Mia, I Have a Dream, that's coming out in the autumn. Well, you're now best friends. We are. And you know what? Alan is, I knew Alan through different people, mutual friends. He's never changed. He is so brilliant. And he continues to be the most hilarious person. And I feel so lucky that I got to spend a whole month with him we had such a hoot darling do you know what when I saw Alan in Corfu this time he said he remembered my lemon curd roulade see I had forgotten it he said it was one of the most

memorable things he's ever eaten oh my god mum you're one of his kind of Proustian memories now. I know. That lemon curd roulade which shout out to Anne Sweeney because I feel like she was the instigator of that. Absolutely my friend Anne. We made lamb with an almond sauce, a yota motelenghi recipe, couscous and a lemon curd roulade. Lenny had just had her veneers fixed. There's a theme here. This is something that's thread through this Table Manners Second Helpings episode. We talk about also Mexico and Argentina, obviously loving travelling. And this was before he had his brilliant podcast, Life's a Beach. So it makes total sense why he went and did that podcast. Alan Carr on Table Manners Second Helpings coming up now.

Be prepared to laugh. Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi love! Hello! Hi! I've never come south of the river, you don't have black caps do you?

I hear you like Malbec. Yeah, love it. You've got a bloody tan. Do you want something cool first, like a rose? Yeah, well I am driving at the other end of the train journey. You know, I live in Sussex. I come up from Sussex. Sussex? I'm on a farm in Sussex.

Let me get my contact lenses out. Yeah. A farm? Yeah. Do you have animals? Yeah, loads of them. You're joking. 22 sheep, 3 cows, 2 horses, 7 alpacas.

Shut up. 2 pygmy goats, 2 angora goats. Yeah. I did not know that you're a farmer now. No, I'm not a farmer, Bob. He's not a farmer. We just re-own stuff. But do you, like, produce milk and eggs?

No, no, we don't do anything. Even the alpaca wall just sits there. But you could have, like, a farm shop, the car farm shop. Well, I bumped into Chrissie Hind, you know. Did you? This is how little I know. What do you mean you bumped into her? The vegetarian. Yes, the This is how little I know. What do you mean you bumped into her? The vegetarian.

Yes, the militant. Yes. Well, I said, oh, I've got three cows. And then she went, can I take your details? So she took my details. And then I realised they're bulls. So she was like, I mean, I'd try and milk one of those. How do you tell they're big?

I know. You've just got one big udder. Do they have udders? No, no. But the thing is, once they start sucking on the teat, they then start sucking each other off. You're kidding. And then people are thinking, you know, pets of their owners.

Who is sucking who off? The two cows. Why do they do that? Because they're so sucking on the teats. They love it, honestly. It gives you so much power. And their eyes are rolling back in their head. And of course, when you take the teat away,

they just go, I need something to suck on. I mean, you can imagine some farmhands, you know, in the countryside might get a bit disgusting. But I'm not like that. No, obviously. It leads to no national treasure and all that. So... Well, we're in with the bank.

Thank you, Alan Carr, for being here. My pleasure. And schlepping all the way from Sussex. I know, I know. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Thank you for having me. Why did you decide on Sussex? Well, it's my partner's farm.

Oh. You see, I'm a townie. He's a farmer, you see. Oh, see oh really yeah so I'm like city boy so you've made a sacrifice yeah I have but we have the best time because of course we have the I live in London and then we go down there so we have the best of both worlds how long have you been there for five years oh my god yeah I've been I've been with him for 10 and then he sort of always been involved in horses and riding and stuff like that. And we both love animals. And then we, yeah, it's the most useless farm ever.

But I love it. And you know, it's the most relaxing thing ever. Really? With that many animals? Yeah. Do you have like people helping you? We've got a man who lives in a cabin on the farm. He helps.

Oh my God, amazing. That's like, I mean, okay. So my husband wants to do the move to the countryside. Yeah. And I'm too much of a townie. Yeah. So did you like ease your way into it? Well, listen, I go down there, I enjoy it.

And then like three days in, I'm gagging for espresso martini. Do you know what I mean and he like you know and he I have to sometimes drag him up to London he hates London but you know I just want to see him in trousers that haven't got an elasticated waist and smelling of shit

I mean you just smell of shit that's all you do and it's all death and then the stupid sheep you go into the you go into the field and they run off. You come back in wearing the same outfit, holding a bucket, they run towards you. They're not terribly bright, are they? Do you know what?

When we got the cows, because I can't eat. You've got lamb. I can eat lamb. I've got lamb. I'll give lambs fine. But you know what? When you said, no, no, I'm fine, I'm fine. But when we had the lambs, I was like, oh, put me off lamb.

But cows are thick as shit. I thought, oh, my God, I'll never eat a burger again or have mince. Pigs are too bright, isn't it? I know. But you see the neighbours, I can't start. It's only a small farm. I can't have, like, a load of bees. Excuse me, does your partner wear Crocs?

Yes. I knew it. I love Crocs. They love Crocs, the country people. But the thing is, I sometimes pop his Crocs on because I'm lazy to go and muck out. Don't let standards drop. Well, listen, love. You know the holes in them.

You tread in cow shit, then that goes in the holes. So then you're sort of making shit tagliatelle. It's just sort of moulded out. Just where you your hunters. I mean, so, you know, even in this kind of weather, you're like, oh, can't be... You know, I'm getting to that age where we're bending down to put wellies on and I'm not born to wear wellies.

So you... But then I've learnt my lesson and then, you know, you get, like, cow shit in between your toes when you're wearing Birkenstocks. Alan, can I just say something? You look so young. You're joking. No. I haven't got my glasses on don't spoil it your skin is beautiful

you look gorgeous you look much younger than everyone says that but do you know when I was up until 22 I had psoriasis singing detective and I wonder whether because you know your skin just regenerates quicker when you've got psoriasis you know all over you know singing singing detective and I wonder whether

because you know your skin just regenerates quicker when you've got psoriasis it's been like a peel yeah I think it is I mean the first half of my life it looked like I'd been dipped in alpen it was so flaky and then you'll be in your mini and you'll put like the old blower on it's like a snow globe but um so Robin did like, you've got dewy skin. It's glowy, it's dewy. Oh, that's very sad. And I don't put anything on it. So when did it go?

Do you not? Nothing? It just went. Well, you know the old Greek thing. You know your body changes every seven years. No, I don't know this. Oh, my God. Your ears change shape every seven years.

I didn't know that. The Greeks say your whole everything changes. You rejuvenate every seven years. And it stopped when I was 21. What do Everything changes You rejuvenate every 7 years What do you mean you rejuvenate You get younger and younger Migraines at 14 And then it all goes in within the 7s for me And then the psoriasis just stopped at 21

Oh so it's a 7 year cycle Yeah I think it's a 7 year cycle But you change I've changed every 7 years So what happened at 28? I got gangrene. No. I'm trying to think of an illness that would be quite politically correct.

No, it's just funny, isn't it? Seven years for me. You look gorgeous. Oh, that's very sweet. Really handsome. Can we talk about the wedding at all? Of course you can. Because I feel like everyone kind of knows about the wedding

Yes Was that a bit of an accident or was it just kind of like Well we had I'm sure we'd love to know more Yes of course But the thing is I just don't want to get into the Well all I talk about is Adele But I mean

We told No I know I know We told her we were going to get married And she went oh my god I want to do the special day. I said, okay, okay, that's fine. And she went, and I also want to marry you. I said, oh my God.

I said, you really don't have to do that. She went, no, I am, I am. You know what she's like. She reminds me of one of my sheep. And so, yeah, we had it in her back garden. In Los Angeles? In Los Angeles. How many people came?

Me, her, a partner, and two of our friends who live down the road there. Oh, it was really intimate. Really intimate. Pink's guitarist and then a backing singer, Claire, who's a gorgeous singer. She sings with Tina Turner and Taylor Swift and everything. And so it was just magical when we went there and she'd got a grand a man playing a grand piano in her back garden this massive wall of roses fresh roses everything and it was just the best and then she just did

the vows and then she sang our song and then the car a limo turns up outside we've just married on and we all get in there and then we go to this private jet and we fly to see uh Celine Dion shut up I know I know no I didn't know I didn't know and then she takes us to this Michelin-starred restaurant in a private room and I said listen I said right right Adela said I'm paying for this now I'm paying for this too late I said no come on come on let me pay for that and she wouldn't have any she's the most generous loveliest person ever and then of course as you know I've drank and ate the whole day you know blotchy typical like that so even though I have got amazing skin sometimes it does go blotchy

and so I'm like oh we're in this I was holding room backstage and then there's a Celine Dion merchandise thing yeah oh I can't wait to get so I'll get the leggings on Celine Dion leggings she doesn't leggings I get the hoodie is she on the leggings yeah yeah yeah I got the got the hoodie and the hat on you're going away out yeah I'm like yeah yeah honeymoon here I come so I go oh I'm so relaxed so I've got all my suit me carrier bag lovely I'm relaxed to watch this concert then Adele goes come on then let's go and uh let's go and get and then as we turn the corner we go into this room the curtain comes down Celine Dion goes I believe congratulations are in order because that's what she sounds like a Bond villain and I went oh my god Adele you never told me you're meeting her and I am top to toe in Celine Dion

merchandise and you know when someone starts talking like hello have you come far I'm like no this isn't what it looks like I have got married and I'm not a stalker or a mad fan I mean I look like proper bucket list you know this. This is my life. Make a wish. That's when he felt like I am a super fan. But she was so lovely. It was just the most amazing. What's your favourite Celine Dion song? Oh, I like all of her. What's the one? Oh,

by myself, don't wanna be. Yes, right. It's all in the mouth. In the mouth! She hits the notes yeah she hits and she was spot on you had a surprise wedding

that's kind of amazing you didn't you weren't in control of it at all no no and she did it all and um you know

she sat us down with a clipboard I'm like JLo in the wedding plan flowers tick tick she just did it all and you know

it was yeah she's just the best I love her the bits have you been on your honeymoon yet yes we went to Mexico

was it nice yes Cabo oh that's where mum went to Cabo it's not proper Jennifer Anston goes she likes it

Cabo we went yeah Rancho Pescadero we went to oh it was just about an hour away because Cabo itself

some of it is a bit oh yeah spring break isn't it yeah yeah especially down by the harbour yeah by the harbour it's like people it's a bit like magaluf down by the harbour oh is it like yards of drinks and things yeah yeah because all the people go on spring break from university but the rest is beautiful coastline oh it's gorgeous and it's all being built up now so i wonder what it'd be like because i have been to proper mexico why is that not proper mexico then well it's resort it's resort okay got it still gorgeous and stuff but i've done the old mexico city oaxaca palenque tulum Mejerez I've been all there oh me too I love it there yeah it's great

lovely isn't it did you like Tulum well no I went in so worst holiday I've ever been in no why did you get Montezuma's Revenge

Montezuma's Revenge we all got that well me and Hannah got that I shat myself on an Inca ruin honest honest

and then it's unstoppable really I know you can't the shit you can't not get it oh you can't and then Honest It's unstoppable really I know you can't You can't not get it We stayed at the Hotel Capri It's as shit as it sounds And they refused to give me more toilet paper

I know No no no I said please Plus no electricity Mum was having to pay the baker To use the electricity for her curlers. For my curlers. I said, they told me they came and accosted me.

Shits and frizz. Shits and frizz. No frizz, just flat. That's a good name of a... Shits and frizz. A biography of shits and frizz. They came and they said, take your plug out now. No.

And I said, I'm a 64-year-old woman. I can't go around like this. And it was slightly depressing because the lighting is very dim. Because it's all eco-LED. Everyone looks a bit miserable. Well, hold on. How long ago did you go to Tulum? Well, this is 1999.

Oh, crikey. There was nothing. It got worse now. No, this is what I'm saying. My friend said to me, I want to get away. I said, we paid $2 for a hut on the beach. No, it's not like that. I know, love.

You've got the sun rising over the Inca ruin. I said, it is the most majestic. Apparently now, it's all resorts and stuff. It's all resorts and people doing yoga in bikini bodies. But you still can't get blue paper to shit with. No way. Even now. Oh, it's all like, yeah.

It's all eco. You're only allowed two pieces. Yeah. And communal shitting rooms. No, no, no. Like communal lavatories. Yeah, communal lavatories. It comes to something

when the inkers probably have got more adaptive. Do you know? I mean, you know what I mean? About Aztecs probably had it better than us. Why are we going backwards? I don't know.

Did you study anthropology or something? Funny you should say that. No. Anthropology? How did, what? What did you do when you left school? Oh, worked in a course centre. I did drama and theatre studies, but I had no range.

I had no range. And so I was just on the bit where moving furniture around in a black body stocking in the break and selling programmes and painting, then wondering why you never got spotted. Hoping for the big part. I know, hoping some Hollywood producer. And it was at Middlesex, which has a good...

The acting course is brilliant, but the drama and theatre studies was rubbish. But have you done acting since? No, no. How did you get into comedy isn't that the weird thing with stand-up I did that film called nativity which is on every Christmas along with carry on camping and I was the voice of seagull number one in spongebob squarepants last year with antonio bandera perfect I know but isn't it funny how even if I'd studied acting, I would never have got that far.

I would never have been in two feature films. I mean, crap parts, I get it. No, Seagull number one is really important. Better than Seagull number two and Seagull number three. And I had a song to sing, which I can't really remember. There you go. I know. And so I was really naive.

They went, oh, you're performing with Antonio Banderas. Is he gorgeous? Well, of course, I turn up there with my Evita box set for him to sign. And the man went, obviously, Antonio filmed his bit separately in LA. I'm like, of course he did. Of course. I'm like, oh, shit. So I'm like, spent like half an afternoon going.

Seagull number one. So how did you get into stand-up? Did everyone just say you're really funny Alan? Everyone, not everyone said that. At school people laughed at me not with me. I was one of those kids. Oh hello. I never knew. I got the shock of my life and I can't describe it. It was like a punch in the stomach. I watched a video of me doing a performance on stage. Well, who's this person I saw? I was like, oh, hello. And on your zip. I was always doing the teapot.

Oh, flapping around. Limp riff. Oh, shut up. I went, no wonder people are calling me bender. I mean, because I didn't know I was like that and then you watch it you go you didn't know I didn't know because of course I had the big old sit I sat everyone down and said look mum and dad there's something I've got to tell you I'm not like other boys you know and your mum and dad are mouthing it back to you oh my god is that what so is that? Yeah, there was no shock or surprise.

Everyone was like, hmm. How old were you when you came out? Last year. Does your husband know? No, no, he sits down at the farm. He doesn't know. What happens on the farm stays on the farm. Then I had a really crap job at Barclay Card in a call centre.

I would have loved to have you on the end of my phone. I bet you were nice to people. You were mean. I was nice. And if they weren't paying the thing, I used to, you know, because I used to override it for a month, you know, no interest. Really? You can do that?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm not going to go back there, am I? Well, I hope not. Unless this podcast ruins my career. No, it won't. It'll only enhance it, darling. Oh, of course. And, yes, I used not. Unless this podcast ruins my career. No, it won't. It'll only enhance it, darling. Oh, of course.

And, yes, I used to do that. And then I just started telling people about working in a call centre. I said, this is so funny. And then my friend put me forward for this BBC New Comedian of the Year Award in Manchester, 2001. And I ended up winning it at the Edinburgh Festival. And then once you got that award, then I next year went back to Edinburgh Disney Shows. So yeah. And it's all like that, really.

It's all a bit of luck and a bit of hard work. What are you doing now? What am I doing now? Yeah. Got loads of things on the go. I'm going to a stand-up tour next year. Really? Yeah.

Arenas? No, I did arenas. You've done arenas? I didn't like arenas. I shouldn't think it's hard to be... I feel like theatres would be so much more fun they're more me and I know it seems like

you know it was an itch I needed to scratch Michael McIntyre, Lee Evans everyone was doing arenas so I did it you don't get anyone looking at you they're looking at the screen even people 5D Pim you're just getting a side

I need the eye contact. And also, I feel my act is very gossipy, very chatty, and I just really feel, it's not musical, but it's got that vein in it, that kind of sending yourself up. And those theatres, you know, I started my last tour in Margate, and it's the second oldest theatre in England, and it's just 1720 or something, 1730. It's one of those that old.

Yeah, old. And you're just feeling. So when are you going on tour? Next year. I'm at that really eggy stage of turning up unannounced at pubs and clubs. I mean, pubs that do stand-up, not just... You still do that.

Hello, everyone. I've got a joke. A man walks into the pub. Do you write your own jokes? Yes, yes just... You still do that. Hello, everyone. I've got a joke. A man walks into the bathroom. Do you write your own jokes? Yes, yes. Oh, you do? How hard is that to do? No, it's not hard for him because he's so funny. Oh, you are sweet. No.

Because when you're just chatting and it's just flowing, is that different to when you go, right, okay, I'm going to sit myself down and I'm going to think of a funny thing. I can't even understand. It never comes. It comes when you're, you go, right, okay, I'm going to sit myself down and I'm going to think of a funny thing. I can't even understand. It never comes. It comes when you're walking the dog.

It comes when you put the bins out. You know, you have your day right. Turning the phone off nine till five. I'm going to write a new comedy show. And you're just sucking

on the end of a pencil. You're just like... Then you start watching Bargain Hunt and Jeremy Kyle. The next thing you know it's Sky at Night. Please, we're going to ask you

something that's been a bone of contention oh Christ right Jessie watches that programme Love Island do you watch it

I didn't think you would I even have I have the the drink wow I think you're a classy guy

I'm an idiot I bought this shit you bought it I bought three for my husband and my best mate and my husband will not

anybody who's called Sam I'll send it to you because he won't fucking use it so yeah Sam You bought it. I bought three for my husband and my best mate. And my husband will not... Anybody who's called Sam, I'll send it to you because he won't fucking use it. So yeah. Sam, do you watch it? Please say you don't. Last series, I watched it intensely. Don't judge me.

I like that. And then I can't invest that much time in it. So I haven't even bothered getting into this one. So you don't know who they are? No, I don't. I know Gemma because I've just been looking in the news pages. That's just for you, Alan. I know. Mum, you say it so loudly.

Offer some meat to him. Alan, would you like some meat? I would love some meat. What would you like? Pinky or less pink? Whatever. Maybe less pink. Okay, I'm love some meat and what would you like like pinky or less pink whatever maybe less pink okay

I'm going to try and find you some there's loads of less pink darling around here would you like to do it backseat driver no darling I just know better than you

alright just fucking do it make sure you get the sauce darling what was that what was that podcast you were saying about the red wine? Someone was using it on Come Dine With Me to make the jus.

Oh, Chateau Neuf du Pat? Yeah. Why would you do that? I was like, you, honey, that is very extravagant. I know, it is, isn't it? Well, he was like, I don't think he won, actually. I don't think he was very good. I hope his jus, I'm sure his jus was good.

But what gets me about Come Dine With Me, those people who go, well, I've never done it before, so I'm going to give it a try for you fucking idiots. Try it and taste it. Yeah. What would be your dish that you would serve to people then? Well, I can't cook. Oh, really?

No, my other half is the most... Well, I'm a winner then. Go on, darling. Do you want some lamb's lettuce? Oh, yes. Mum, I have to say, you bitch about my presentation, but that's a shocking presentation. Was you a dinner lady in a past life?

There you go. Thank you. Oh, that's lovely. Right on the top there, a bit of garnish. So you wouldn't cook. You just don't cook. Well, do you see that controversial episode where the woman was getting the Indian takeaway put through her kitchen window?

No, I haven't, but I kind of love and respect her for that. Yeah, she was a really crap cook. And then they were just delivering it through the window. Amazing. Did she win? No, well, she had to be disqualified. But one of the women came in, oh, can I help you wash up? And then she realised there was no plates and nothing. And then it still didn't.

But yeah, I mean, I am crap. I mean, I'm a very basic cook, very basic. Is your husband? He's the best. He's a great cook. He's one of those ones, you know, opens the fridge, there's an egg, half a pepper and a courgette and then da-dum, it's amazing. That's the sort of husband you need. I know, love.

We're looking for one. What, is it hard to find good restaurants in the, like, local village that you're at or is it kind of have you got some good ones well it's all country pubs around there you see food though they do put a bit more effort in these country pubs because people have to go there you know it's not like when when i live in london i just stag around the corner you know what i mean and have you got a place in north london yeah bays bayswater oh how lovely but you know what I mean have you got a place in North London yeah Bayswater oh how lovely but you know

it's so touristy the restaurants are rubbish it's got good Chinese it's got good Chinese yes where there's a very good Greek one

isn't there the Royal China that's a base I haven't tried that one but I find because it's so touristy they don't give a shit we have to acknowledge

that basically we had Ottolenghi Yotam Ottolenghi on last week and we couldn't cook Ottolenghi for him because it's Ottolenghi, yottam otolenghi on last week and we couldn't cook otolenghi for him because it's otolenghi. So we've done, this is an otolenghi lamb dish. Mum, tell everyone what it is actually.

It's lamb with almonds and orange blossom. Ew. But I actually, everyone warned me. Where's it sort of from? Otolenghi. It's probably Middle Eastern. Yeah, it's definitely got... But someone warned me off putting too much orange blossom in.

Right. I waited seven days for it to be delivered from Amazon, the orange blossom, because I wasn't sure I was going to get it. And actually, I could have put a bit more in. I think it would have... I think it's lovely. It's delicious, love. Don't start knocking it.

And then we've done a lamb's lettuce salad with broad beans and peas. And then we've done a bejeweled giant couscous salad. Really lovely. And what did he like? Oh, Alengi then. Did he like his own? Obviously he likes his own stuff. We made him cook.

You take the piss, you two. We ask everybody, it's a contentious issue whether we call it the last supper or desert island meal, but what would be on your menu? Starter? I'd like a prawn cocktail. I like that. I like that. Who asked for a prawn cocktail. Oh. I like that. I like that. Who loves a prawn cocktail? Tracy Thorne from everything that the girl did. Oh, I like that.

She did a prawn cocktail, so you're in good company. And then my main, probably lasagna. Oh, lasagna. Any like secret thing in your lasagna that you like? I had it once and someone put marmite in it. Oh, I get that. Yeah, yeah. And you've done that.

And then I know it's not pronounced like that, but I call it tiramisu. I know it's tiramisu, but I like to call it tiramisu because like the dessert, I like to really drag it out. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. Yeah. I love tiramisu too. It's so good. And what would you drink with it?

Tiramisu, sorry. Tiramisu. Tiramisu, sorry. Tiramisu. Tiramisu. And what would you drink with your meal? Malbec. I love it. You love a Malbec.

One of my best holidays. Have you been to Argentina? Yeah. I went last year. Oh, I love it. Everyone is fit. Everyone is fit. Even the tramps.

You're like, woof. You need to go to Israel. Everyone's fit there. Someone else said that to me, Judge Rinder told me that. The men are beyond beautiful, but Argentina, it's such fun. When they're tangoing in the street. Tangoing in the street, the food is great, except they overcook the meat. Well you know what, is it sweetbreads, what's the ones with the testicles? They gave us that and I was like, oh and they start down in that, you know the cobbled streetss what's the ones of the testicles they gave us that and I was like

oh and this down in that you know the cobbled streets where they do the tango in I was like oh lovely and then I popped popped it in my napkin and then he saw it was gone

so he gave me even more sweetbread I mean enough with the balls enough so you didn't even try it I tried a bit but I mean

it's like having balls in your mouth anyway we do a podcast about food I tried a bit, but I mean, it's like having balls in your mouth. Well, listen, anyway. We do a podcast about food and we serve food. But I feel like you were the pioneer of being the host with the most, with Chatty Man. Oh, yes. You used to offer a drink.

We want to know about the cocktails. Yeah. Cocktails. Now you are being polite. Because I was going to make you an Aperol spritz tonight. She said, I don't know if you'd like that. He's very good at cocktails. Well, we wondered what you like.

Well, funny enough, down on the farm, we had a donkey that loved Aperol spritz. We didn't obviously have a sip of it, but I was, you know, a little bit pissed on a Saturday, so I went down to, like, feed him, and he'd rather have the April Spritz. He tried to put his tongue in me glass. You have an alcoholic donkey.

Donkey, I know, I know. So yeah, I was like, no, this is for you. The bucket of feed, not the April Spritz. The bit of me was like, I wonder what you get if you get a wonky donkey probably. If it was a little bit pissed. Can we ask? Because I love Chatty Man and it's not on anymore. No.

When's it coming back? It's not coming back. Oh, shut up. We're going to campaign. Oh, please do. We loved it. Did you feel like it had run its course or were you very happy?

You know, the thing is, I felt it had done its course. 18 series. Wow. 18. And with an exclusivity with Channel 4. I've never done anything with ITV, BBC

or Sky. And so we called it a day. I did a couple of Christmas specials that went really well but I've done I want to do something else. I'm a Gemini I want to try something else. I know people say that when anything ends but that is genuine

from the heart. I mean, I've had shows that are shy and they've been axed and I've gone, yeah, good. You know, because they're right. But this one, a bit sad, but time to move on. You're from Dorset? Yeah. Yeah.

Someone's been on Wikipedia. No, I have. Because, like, I feel like, you know... You're not from Dorset. Yes. I am. I was born in Weymouth. Bloody hell.

Because my dad's a football manager. Wherever he was manager, we'd go to. So was he Weymouth Rovers? What are they? Weymouth FC. Weymouth FC or something like that, yeah. So who else did he manage? Northampton, Blackpool, Kettering.

Blackpool. Yeah. So did you just have to go to lots of different schools and when you sound and look like me and turn up at different schools as an ooh kid

it's a real joy Alan where do you get your cat gutting and your quick wit from and they say we're not quick wit it's hard to survive yeah yeah

have you got any brothers and sisters yeah one brother Gary and what does Gary do? I don't know what he does. Is he a football? No. Is he a football?

No. He's a human. Is he into football? Have another drink, Mum. Oh, gosh, actually, the first time I felt relaxed. You felt a bit, oh, really?

Oh, thank God. How long has it taken you to prepare this? Fucking all day. All right, love. Sorry, we shouldn't have come. You know what? If this was Come Die With Me, you'd be getting one in that taxi. One.

Well, she said all fucking day. The recipe's on fucking seat. I need to work on... I need to work on my hostess. No, it's sometimes... The food is delicious. You don't need to work on my hostess. No it's sometimes... The food is delicious, you don't need to be. You could be like, you know in the Chinese restaurants where the staff are really rude to you and people go there.

You could work there. This is delicious, fuck you. Yeah they are like, they are like that. They're all like that. You're like that. That's you. Jessica. What?

Do you know why you're a lad? Because I'm a lad. I'm a lad. I'm a lad. I'm a lad. I'm a lad. I all like that. You're like that. That's you. Jessica. What? Do you know why you're relaxed?

What? Because you were watching Love Island while I was sweating. No, there was nothing relaxing about watching Love Island. You're going, these fucking imbeciles. Fucking hell. This. But it's just, they all look the same. That's the trouble.

But the whole thing that was depressing was that 70,000, more people applied to be on Big Brother than to go to Oxford or Cambridge. I know. That is depressing, Jessie. Well, maybe those people who are applying, they know they're not going to get into Oxford or Cambridge. So stop it. No, they want to be famous rather than earn money.

That's the problem. To be honest, I'd rather have a six-pack than a water board. Yeah, I wouldn't mind being a pay-through girl either. You know, someone wanting you. This is awkward. Anyway. Someone have a word. If you're a page, I'll be page seven fella.

What is, like, the worst table manner you feel like other people have? I feel like you're like non-judgmental. I feel like you wouldn't judge. But like if you had to judge, would it be something like my mum being like, I took fucking all day doing this. That was pretty up there. Now she's throwing... Not as offensive as I say you should rather be a page three girl.

Because now I've got an image in my head, it's putting me off my food. That's so mean. I can feel that land coming up again. I was lovely in my day. No, you're lovely now, but page-free is a bit... No, not now, obviously. Oh, no, stop it.

So what, do you think you've got any bad table manners? You haven't asked me what bad, bad. Okay. Yeah, mentioning page three is pretty bad. Then saying you've been working all, quote, fucking day. Right. That's rude. Oh, don't say that.

No. I'm taking it back so you can find something else. Phones, don't have your phone on the table. Leave it alone. Mm-hmm. And, um... That's not really... You only have to have one.

Yeah. I'm just trying to think what pisses me off. Quite a lot. There was a Roman emperor and... Anthropologist. I love this. No, no. I'm not even telling you.

And they found him on these old scrolls. I'm not all papyrus or something. An emperor had complained about one of his people at the diners blowing his nose on a hanky and looking at the thing. And he said, this is bad, bang out of order. I'm paraphrasing. But I thought, isn't it funny that people still do this in Latin or in hieroglyphics, whatever they do. So I thought, isn't that funny that that happens then?

Sandy Totswig said that she said blow your nose but not looking at it but putting your tissue the serviette that you've blown your nose in

on the plate oh no that is disgusting yeah at least my nan used to put it up her sleeve old people do that don't they I do that

oh okay is it really weird that I do that no you shouldn't do that I mean well where else are you going to put it? We'll put it in the bin You may need to use it again

Who wants a green sleeve? Alan, have you got diamonds in your wedding ring? Little ones Gorgeous Little ones Don't you make it out I'm Shirley Bassey It's fabulous Do you think you'll have children?

No. You've got cows and sheep. I mean, I've never even had that urge to have kids. You don't? No. I've got two Irish setters, that's enough, love. How old are they? Nine and six.

You know, you start out going, oh, I don't want to be a stereotype, blah, blah, blah. You know, here I am, married to Paul, and we've got two female dogs, Bev and Joyce. Bev and Joyce. She does look like a Bev. Should we have some pudding? Yes. Oh, Mum's made a good pudding. Do you think we need to sprinkle it with icing sugar?

I mean, yeah, if you want. I'm sure he won't mind if we don't. Oh, my God, that's amazing. Mum, this is really good. What is this? What's it called? It's a lemon curd roulade. Oh lemon curd. Could you not taste it?

Yeah. It's a bit chewy the I like chewing. But what makes it chewy? Lemon curd, very retro. It is. Actually a friend of mine makes it and she makes her own lemon curd with lemons from Skopelos and that's how it started but i think it works really well with mum use judge lemon curd yeah no judgment i

didn't make my own lemon but mum let's not come down with me i won't knock you down oh you're already getting one do you watch that ever it's my son you have a choice i mean it's on all the time i mean you're hung over on a sunday and you have to watch that and mean, it's on all the time. I mean, you're hungover on a Sunday. And you have to watch that. And then it's four in a bed, you know, where they're slagging off the B&Bs. Can I ask one more food thing? Growing up in your family, did your parents cook?

What was like, what were you eating on the dinner table? Well, it was very basic fare. Because, you know, I listened to some of the other podcasts. And when I was like, oh my God, they've got these amazing stories. My mum, it was just... Good food. Good food, you know. It was good. And then when, do you remember Cross and Blackwell, when they brought out those sachets?

That was me mum being a bit, you know... Adventurous. Yeah. But that was the same for everybody. Yeah, it was all mum, big old shepherd's pie, big old lasagna. Like grub. Yeah, grub. I mean, it weren't, you know, nothing like...

That's great. But delicious and lovely, and like clouded, but delicious and lovely and that was it, all tucking in. Would you have your mum's... Because my dad's a northern footballer,

you know, he don't want, like, you know... He wants fuel. Yeah. Would you want your mum's lasagna recipe in your kind of desert island?

I'm not drunk, am I? I'm actually... You can say this, but I've just tried to drink out of the microphone. You don't want... Thanks but I've just tried to drink out of the microphone. You're done. Thanks for passing me the right one.

If it's gone a bit echoey, it's because it's in my mouth. Thank you so much for being on and making us laugh so much. Oh, well, thanks for having me. I mean, I had high expectations. I listened to it and it was like a real honour when I got asked. So thank you very much. Oh, well, thanks for having me. I mean, I had high expectations. I listened to it and it was like a real honour when I got asked, so thank you very much. Oh, Alan, it's not a nice honour for us. We can make this like a seasonal thing.

We can have you. Can you come back? Let's do a Christmas one. Oh, now you're cooking. And can I just say, good luck on your page three career. Thank you to Alan Carr for coming on the podcast way back when in july 2018 and thanks for listening i hope you're enjoying the second helpings email us hello at table manners podcast.com take care and we'll see you next week