Tales from the Stinky Dragon - Paralyte's Poison - Ep. 38: Marrrge and in Charge

Episode Date: February 23, 2022

It's a high sea adventure as the interns stock up on new gear and prepare for a journey back to Boulderay!  https://linktr.ee/TalesFromTheStinkyDragon  Sign up at http://coinbase.com/dragon for $10 in free Bitcoin! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Introducing TD Insurance for Business, with customized coverage options for your business. Because at TD Insurance, we understand that your business is unique, so your business insurance should be too. Contact a licensed TD Insurance advisor to learn more. This is a Rooster Teeth production. Howdy to all you Alhoun. Shift on in to the Stinky Dragon. Drink up our latest dram. Always off the clock. It's a mixture of witless whiskey,

perennial petal syrup, topped with a splash of psionic soda water. This timeless toxin is tastier than a periapt of mind trapping. Previously, our adventurers rescued a nabbed nigh from the clutches of the snowbeast, overpowered an oppressive odom, tucked down an irate infinite, an evil uncle, and subaquatically summoned the goddess of the seasons, Andi. Now it seems our heroes are heading out to sea. What treasures and trials await them amongst the great deep? Hold your breath and let's swash this buckle. We pick up our story right where we left off.

You all are standing at the docks of New Valros, looking up at Bart's old ship, the Jebediah. The crew have just performed a rousing original song, including thrilling choreography for their old shipmate, Bart. At the helm is a teary-eyed Captain Marge, while the crew remains motionless holding their final pose. Captain Marge turns to you all and says, Well, what did you think of the song?

Oh, it was beautiful. I'm just so moved, Papa. Is there any chance you guys know how to sing Tiny Dancer? I'm a big fan of Elton John. Does he live in D&D world? Play Wonderwall next. Play Wonderwall. Can we canonize Elton John in this world?

Even though I did not actually move, I also was moved. Thank you. Thank you. Bart and Gum Gum get inspiration die for complimenting the performance. Wow. Oh, I already had one. A second one. That's what you get for being nice.

Me crew will start hauling your cargo onto the ship. When you be ready to embark on our voyage, come aboard and we'll set sail. How long is Gus gonna have to do this? I love it so much. Listen, it's gonna get worse in a bit. Trust me. It's going to get worse.

The crew relaxes from their poses and begins lowering the gangplank. I guess we, do we have all our stuff? Do we have stuff? No, I think we have to go shopping. You've got stuff. You'll get to the shopping in a bit. We don't have stuff because we're still stranded in this foreign land. Well, like you've've got your packs and

the chest, the reward that you received from V-King Knife. We also all feel incredibly powerful. I have the ability to make two actions now, so I'm looking at my arms and I'm like...

Kyborg learned how to multitask for the first time. I'm going up to a mirror and then everyone's like, are you okay, Kyborg? And I'm like, yeah. Kyborg learned how to multitask for the first time. I'm going up to a mirror, and then, like, everyone's like, are you okay, Kyborg? I'm like, yeah, I feel great. Kyborg can multitask, but it's really not that impressive because Gum-Gum can do it now, too. Oh. Yeah.

Also, while this masculine flexing is going on to the side of me, Bart just, like, walks along the ship's edge and, like, touches it, and a single tear comes to his eye. Bart, did you get splashed in the eye? What's wrong? Oh, no, I just, a lot of memories, Gum-Gum, and I just, I'll tell you about them someday, I swear. Okay. I'm not trying to like toss a monkey wrench into your interaction, but just for my reference, just maybe for the audience reference and mine as well,

when did Bart and Gum-Gum meet? Was it after Bart's time on the ship? Yes. Okay. You guys, I guarantee you guys need to start writing down this timeline because I know you guys are like, when Gum-Gum is in the orphanage

or when you met him in the orphanage and when you're, I don't know if like things are keeping straight. So you might want to just just have a diagram somewhere. No, no, no. That's Tales from the Stinky Dragons Legends. It's not canon. It's another thing.

Oh, yeah. I might be messing up the timeline here. No. Hobbits live a lot longer. Gum-Gum's only like 15. Right. So then Gum-Gum would have met Bart after Pirate Time. Yeah.

How old is Bart? 111th birthday. Bart doesn't give away his age. A gentleman never tells. A gentleman never tells. Bart's actually 16, guys. He's only one year older than Gum Gum. No, no, no.

Bart's at least 21. Why aren't Kyborg and I running around with a bunch of teenagers? Yeah, it makes us way weirder if you think about it. Barbara, you were saying he's 21 just so that makes your Bart can drink. Oh, of course. It's the drinking age of hobbits. He needs to have an ale from time to time. I want to know what the figurehead of the ship is, like what the masthead is.

You know that thing? Typically it's like a lady or something, you know? Oh, you walk up to the front to try to get a peek at it? Yeah. And see what's up there? By any chance, is it Waldorf and Statler from the Muppets? No, I know exactly what it is. Go on.

What is it? It's a clown from the Muppets? No, I know exactly what it is. Go on. What is it? It's a clown of the crusty variety, perhaps. It's a lot of barnacles and growth on it. It's like it's crustied over from many years out at sea. Exactly.

The crustied clown, some might call it. Mm-hmm. Ben typed the exact same thing as I said it. I'm trying to think of any other D&D podcast that rushes up so close to intellectual property theft like we do. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Theft is a big word. It's actually only four letters. Homage.

Wait, five letters. That's just five letters. Shoot. Looks like someone doesn't play Wordle. Yeah. Wordle's for nerds. I know every five-letter word now. Did I play Wordle today?

Oh, I did. I almost, I got the, this took five guesses today. Yikes. I think I was on three. No, I was on four today. Can't you just post five green block emojis and call it a day? Yeah, but where's the fun in that? I don't post them.

I play the game and then close it. At best, I'll DM Gus and show him what my score was today. That's all we DM on Twitter is our wordle. So what were we doing? Oh, it's up to you guys. You're standing on the dock. Kyborg walked off a little bit towards the bow of the ship to take a look at the masthead.

The rest of you are standing there. The gangplank has been deployed and is at your feet at the dock. I want to send mud directly down into the galley if possible. Oh, so you get up on the ship and then make a beeline for the galley? Okay. Excuse me, where's the food? You walk on board, and as soon as you get on board, you can see that the galley is below.

You board the ship onto the main deck, and you can see the galley straight through on the lower deck. Mud goes down there. Okay. So we're boarding the ship now uh wait did we did we get the chest that was that did we open that i said it's it's there with you on the dock um could i me and gum gum go grab the chest to bring it on board maybe yeah are you uh y'all want to pull it on board are you gonna open it up on the dock first what's the what's the plan of attack it's better to pull it on board and do it out of sight yeah open a chest of gold around pirates. I was going to say, do we have any sort of, like, rooms or bunkers or anything like that on the ship?

You know from your time aboard the Jebediah that the cruise quarters is pretty open. It's shared space on the lower deck. The only really private quarters, per se, are the captain's quarters for Captain Marge at the stern of the lower deck of the ship. Okay, let's open it real quiet. Should we just peek in, you think? Yeah. Okay, let's take a look.

You open it up, yeah, and take a look, and it's just filled. There is a lot of gold in there. Like, it would take you a while to count it. I'll tell you what, why don't both of you make an intelligence check, and we'll see if you can guess at how much gold is in there. I'm ready for my Rain Man moment. Oh, it's like when you're in grade school, and they say, how many M&Ms are in this jar?

Exactly. I want to roll again. You rolled an intelligence save gum gum, which I think is the same for you. So not a big deal, but just throwing it out there real quick. Yeah, you're minus three out of it. I can re-roll it. I mean, maybe you should. So Bart rolled a two on the intelligence check

and Gum Gum rolled a seven. Are you all re-rolling? We need Fenton Crackshell here is what we need. No DuckTales fans here? No DuckTales fans? Cool. Micah, did you get that at all? It's Gizmoduck's alternate ego and he was able to count things. That was his he was able to count things. That was his job.

He'd count things. He'd literally throw a jar of beans in the air and count them immediately. Yeah, it's Rain Man. Yeah, we all remember. It's everyone's favorite DuckTales character, Fenton Shelby. Fenton Crackshell, the alter ego of Gizmoduck. All right, well, with a two and a seven, Bart, by your estimation in the chest, you think that there's about 25,000 gold pieces.

Gum Gum, you wholeheartedly disagree with her. There's easily 50,000 gold pieces. I can smell them. I can hear them counting gold, so I come back out to lend aid in counting. Can I count? Yeah, sorry. I figured you were just going to go make the save. Yeah, or the check.

Go ahead and make an intelligence check to try to estimate how much gold is in the chest. It's an intelligence check? Yep, that's the party strength. I'm going to start making you all roll stuff you're not good at. I cast Enhance Ability. I'm using up a second level spell slot to count gold, but what it'll do is I will cast Fox's Cunning, which gives me advantage on intelligence checks.

Ooh. So roll it twice, take the higher roll. Okay, I got advantage on intelligence, and I've got minus one. You're really building up this five that you're about to roll. You hush. 13. 13.

Not bad. Better than them, two. So we'll go with the 13. Okay, I want to participate as well. I'm going to come in and roll. Okay. Well, while you roll, Kaiborg, I want to say, by Mudd's estimation, you think 25 and 50,000 are both way overkill.

You'd put the number closer to 10,000. Oh, it's getting worse. All right. I'm coming in to roll. I take a look at it, and then I say, that there is an 18. Hey, I'm coming in to roll. I take a look at it and then I say that there is an 18. Hey, that's an 18. Kyborg, you think that you must have to rub your eyes and look

at the chest again because you're convinced everyone else must be crazy with their guesses because you are convinced there's really only about 5,000 gold in that chest. There we go. Guys, there's only 5,000 gold, if that. Listen, I have elven eyes. I can see things you people wouldn't understand. Attack ships off the shoulder of Orion. Can we go. Guys, there's only 5,000 gold, if that. Listen, I have elven eyes. I can see things you people wouldn't understand. Attack ships off the shoulder

of Orion. Can we make a canon that in Kyborg's former life, he was an accountant before he learned archery? I don't know. And then some customer was filling out blank checks. Quadrant. Well, I'll take my

10,000, and then you all can take your 10,000. So there's about 5,000, so that means we've got split four ways, which is roughly 1250. Trust me. There's the accountant. There's the accountant. Again, that's Kyborg's best estimate. You're really going to have to sit down and count it to figure out exactly what's in there. It's going to take a while.

I think maybe Bart should just take all of it and then we could divvy it up later. We're not doing that. No. Bart's going to put it into these magical things called NFTs. No, even Bart is against those. I think we need to be careful with all this because this is our life savings. So I will put the friendship bracelet on it and me.

That'll do it. So you're going to put a friendship bracelet on it to yourself, and you're going to be carrying it around the whole time as everyone boards the ship. Well, don't we have to? What else could we do with it? Cargo hold. I don't know. I'm not judging you, Chris.

I'm trying to explain what you're doing so that makes sure I understand it so that later you're not like, that's not what I said. Okay. I feel like our finances are so muddied right now because didn't we steal money off of like a couple of dudes along the way in our time

at the... I mean, I'm pretty low on funds. I, cause I like, we've been stealing money, but we have, we've been like, ah,

we'll distribute it later. But I feel like there's like hundreds of coin in limbo up in the air. Micah saying pieces of silver. Yeah. It's not been gold. Okay. Um, so,

uh, just so we're not just staying here forever. Um, we probably should take this onto the ship or are we just going to spend time sitting here on the dock counting out every single piece of gold? I think we already did that. Let's go to the ship. But I can handcuff it to me.

Your friendship bracelet. Friendship bracelet. And Bart is helping carry it, if I recall. Sure. Okay. While we walk in, I'm like, Oh, I'm so sad that all those dead bodies are in this big bucket, but I won't let them down.

We'll deliver them safely. No, no, no, no, no, no, no. The gum thing would be like, thanks for helping carry my poo chest, Bart, that I use for my hoosies. All right. Everyone finally gets up onto the ship with Bart and Gum-Gum sharing the load of the poop chest. Load. On the poop deck.

Oh, nice. Everyone go ahead and make me a perception check, please. You got it, dude. 18. That's Bart's phrase. That's seven. You got it, dude. Don't have a cow, man.

26. Stop saying copyright phrases. Sir, thou must not own a cow. Is that better? Brilliant. That's it. We're done. Thanks for listening, everybody.

Bart, I don't know if you said what you got. Bart, you got a 10. I got a 10. Is that a shirt? Sure. Let's make it a shirt. Oh, you know what a shirt is that I actually do want to make is uh, what's his name?

His name is King. Smarsh. No one tell him. Smarsh is King. Sorry, Gus. Sorry, Gus. Smarsh is King. Smarsh is King. I've seen it asked for and I want it. I would wear that shirt. Yeah, everybody would. We'll see. We'll see if we can get it made. Where were we?

Uh, Gum Gum with a 7. There's something weird, everybody would. We'll see if we can get it made. Where were we? Gum Gum with a seven. There's something weird, Gum Gum. Maybe it's like holding that chest, but you feel like as soon as you step on board, you can't quite steady yourself. You're starting to feel really queasy and uneasy. Go ahead and make me a constitution saving throw. Gotta get your sea legs.

Ten. Yeah, you make a beeline for the nearest railing on the side of the ship, and you put your head over the side, and you vomit. Like, you're just incredibly, you're feeling incredibly bad on the deck. Guys, get off the ship! The ship is poisoned!

As he's holding the coin thing, he spews over, but then the lid opens, and all the gold points pours out into the ocean. Well, also, him handcuffed to the chest and then beelining means he's pulling the chest, so either Bart lets go or Bart's going with him at that beeline. What do you want to do, Bart? Would you run with him? I'd run with him, yeah.

The ship is poisoned. Everyone get off the ship. Speaking of Bart, as you're running along with Gum-Gum to the side of the ship, the briny air actually feels refreshing across your face, you know? Yeah. You look around and you notice the ship still has three masts and several cannons and one ballista, just like it used to on your time here. Kyborg, you notice the ship's complement is certainly a motley crew of various creatures,

but there's not really as many sailors aboard as you'd imagine there would be for a ship of this size. I also want to point out that I go up to that ballista, which is essentially a giant crossbow because I have an affinity for, you know, artillery weapons, and I just rub it. I'm like, oh, baby, you're going to get some good use later. I don't

know what that means, but okay. It's a giant bow and arrow. I want to launch it. Don't make it, hey, hey, hey, don't make it weird, all right? This's a giant bow and arrow. I want to launch it. Don't make it weird. All right. This is a PG show, folks. Mud, you smell fresh gunpowder in the air, and as you step aboard, you spot a few stains of blood on the deck

along with some cracks in the hull. But there were these cracks in the hull that are here. Do these look fresh to you, or is this how you remember the ship? You know, I'm not sure I remember these, but maybe if I roll a die to see if I know this answer or not. Make a, what would that be, wisdom roll.

Hey, pop, hey, pop. 18. You don't remember those being there. That doesn't seem familiar to you. It seems like the ship is in slightly worse shape than you remember it being. You know what, Mud? I just remembered. No, these were not here when I was here.

These are new. Must have had some wear and tear in the last couple years. Does it? I'm not an expert at the maritime things, but doesn't the ship normally have more sailors manning it? You know, I think usually it does. As you all are talking over this discrepancy that Mud has noticed, Captain Marge addresses everyone.

Welcome aboard the Jebediah. Before we get settled, there'll be a few rules we'll be needing to go over. First, there'll be no lollygagging stow-ways on my ship. Every creature that steps aboard the Jebediah is considered a member of the crew. And what's the crew motto? The entire crew joins in.

Ye work hard, ye play hard, Captain. Precisely! But first things first, since ye all are now a part of the crew, ye be needed a good sailor name while out on the sea with the likes of us. For instance, Joshua Chase, front and center. Aye, captain.

A dwarf with a skull tattooed on his face walks up, and behind them, an elf with a wooden leg hobbles over. This here be Joshua Dreyfall, but they've come to be known as Dead Man Dreyfall. And this be Chase Potter, but now they be Peg Leg Potter. So what will be he sailor names, sailors? So we get to pick our own nicknames?

Yeah, you got to pick your sailor names. You also have to name Sleek and Spectral, because I'm not going to come up with names for them, so you got to do that. I want to say mine would be like Iron Arm. Oh, that's a good one. The Avenger. No, not Iron Man.

Iron Arm. I am Iron Arm. Oh, I know Sleek's. The Lootless Loser. Sleek loves it. He loves that his best friend came up with a name for him. Okay, well, that's great. Lootless Loser.

Lootless Loser and Iron Arm. Best friends? Take it on the world together. With my Iron Arm, I'm doing the cut it, cut it out, neck slash thing. Oh. Bart will be Bucko Bort. Bucko Bort. Arr!

Bucko Bort! That's me. What's Mud's pirate name? Mud is not much into the pirate life You wanna do Nature Boy or something animal related? Nature Boy has a lot of good songs too I mean there should be like a Like Métis or something in there Oh yeah, Métis Mud

Just go with that, I like that Métis Mud Thank you Bud Flower Pirate or something in there. Oh, yeah. Matey Mud. Just go with that. I like that. Ah, Matey Mud. Thank you, Bob. Flower Pirate. What? Flower Pirate. Oh, Flower Pirate. I thought he just said Pirate. Thank you for translating. Yeah, so I actually have had

toddlers that I've raised, and I did the same thing, translating what they said. We gotta come with Spectre. What about Spectral? Spectral. Spectral. What was Spectral's cool name again? Oh, his real name.

His real name? Leonard, right? Yeah. Leonard Link. Oh, walk the plank, Link. There you go. Walk the plank, Link. Arr, walk the plank, Link.

And then we need one for... Gumbo. Oh, yeah. Gumbo. Gumbo and Fred. Yeah, yeah. And Hannibal. Weird seabat. Gunpowder Gumbo.

Ooh, yeah, that's good. Gunpowder Gumbo. Arr. You gotta say arr after you say it. Arr. There it is. Arr. Just make sure we don't put it in the actual cannonball thing. And Fred and Hannibal.

Cannonball Hannibal. Cannonball Hannibal. There you go. Someone writing these down. I'm writing them all down because I know I'm going to have to remember this forever. Okay. And Fred. Oh. Something dread.

The dread pirate Fred. There you go. Off with ye Fred. There you go. Off with ye, Fred. Now that introductions have been made, ye all will be needing an assignment, a duty while aboard this ship. Every member of the crew has one, and lately our ship's complement has been

fewer in number. So, at the moment, we be needing a helmsman, surgeon, rigger, and power monkey. What will it be for ye? My years off the ship have been numerous, so I've forgotten a few things. But what is a powder monkey again? I will say you had a great wisdom check earlier, so I'll say that you do remember.

You remember the powder monkeys are in charge of running gunpowder around the ship and it's part of the gunner and cannon crews. Would that include the person that fires the ballista? No, ballistas do not require gunpowder. Is that, okay, but it's artillery in nature. Is that an open position that I can apply for? I have numerous resources. The powder monkey, you know, deals more with the cannon, but sure. I mean, the ballista is part of the gunner.

So, I mean, yeah, it's all the same crew. I offer myself as that. That's me. What does Bart think would be best suited for him? What are the other three? Helmsman, surgeon, and rigger. Helmsman, you steer the ship. I feel like Bart is very qualified for that.

Yeah. I would like to take the role of ye helmsman, Captain. Helmsman! Helmsman Bucklebot! All right. Yeah. What's a surgeon? It's probably not the one that you want, Gum-Gum.

Please make him the surgeon. Are you sure? You know, Gum-Gum, with surgeon, you might have to hurt people, which I don't think you like to do. I don't like hurting people. You might see some blood. I don't mind blood. It's just I don't like hurting people. You might see some blood. I don't mind blood. It's just like red paint.

You might, you might, you're very strong, so maybe something in the rigging department? Rigging. You get to climb. You get to climb things a lot. Oh, I like to climb. Okay, I will take the job of the climbing surgeon. Nope.

And Mud will take the job of the sewing rigger. The not climbing surgeon. Yeah, I'll take surgeon. I'm pretty good at healing and medicine. And this large lad will happily rake. Now that that's settled, pop quiz! What be the crew motto? Eat, pray, love.

Everyone has a job. No lolly gang. All's well that ends well. Or do you actually want the real answer, or do you want us just to be messing around for a while? Looking for the real answer here!

Wear a card, play hard. Ah, meaty mud. Captain Marge flips you a silver piece, Mud. Thank you. Oh. Gus already knows he has to incentivize us to give a real answer. That's Micah. That's not me.

Here's a cookie. Thank you. Are you paying attention? Keep notes. Avast. There'll be two? Keep notes, argh. Avast! There be two levels on the Jebediah. This is the main deck with the helm, rigging, and sails.

But most everything else you be needin', be it food, hammock, or supplies, can be found below in the lower deck. That's also where my captain quarters are located. Finally, ye be needin' to expand your sailing vocabulary while on my ship for navigational purposes. So, when standing on the ship looking ahead, the port side is to your left and the starboard side is to your right.

While still looking ahead, the front is called the bow and the back is called the stern. Savvy? Aye. Got it. Put to the left. Arr, matey, I know exactly what you're talking about.

Do we have any questions? Nar. Nar. Are we all Australian? Where be the toilet? It's right... Don't you remember? It's right here in this toilet we're carrying.

Your friend Gum-Gum found it at the side of the ship. Yeah, he did. It's a good thing all four of us have male genitalia. Everywhere's our bathroom. Can we make that a shirt? Everywhere's our bathroom. Everywhere's our bathroom. If ye be facing ahead on the ship,

and there be a whale seen on the porch side, where should ye look for it? To the left, Captain. The left. Arr! Captain March tosses everyone a silver piece. Yar. Yar.

Thank you. Let me put that in my inventory. I'm gonna invest this in a 401k. Arr. And what would be the opposite of the porch side? It would be... Starburst! Another silver piece for you!

I feel like you'd be all riding on Mud's back of remembering things right now. No one is on your back. We're gonna get this next question without your help. I understand you all have recently come into some gold and are looking to stock up on supplies.

Yeah. Well, you're in luck. The Jebediah has traveled to many distant lands, and we've procured a variety of booty along the way. Perhaps you'd like to spend some of your earnings and peruse our collection? Yarr. Head below deck to the cargo hold and find Suaviere.

He's a merchant we picked up some time ago that's become the ship's curator of curios. Wow, they have a gift shop on board. It's a nice cruise ship. Alright, let's go to the curios. The curios? I'm trying to find

where the joke was there. Didn't he say his name was Curios, I'm trying to find where the joke was there. I don't know. The Cheerios. Didn't he say his name was? Curios. Curator of Cheerios. Oh. Was that where you were trying to go, Chris? Maybe. I don't know.

Maybe y'all just don't get it. Chris doesn't get it either. This parachute was a knapsack. Oh, God. Guess what I'm going to ask you to do? I'm going to ask you to give us a follow on Twitter and Instagram at StinkyDragonPod. We love reading the comments y'all leave. I feel like the community out there of listeners is really active,

interacting with us each week on social media, sending our magic item drinks, tavern drink suggestions, questions. So thank you to everyone who's used hashtag StinkyDragonPod. It really helps more people hear about the show and smell that lovely stink we produce. Maybe you can't really smell via social media, but you get the idea. And of course, we've got some NPCs

who are named after people who've interacted with us on social media. Josh Deadman Dreffle is named after at JR Dreffle. Chase Pegleg Potter is named after at Focused Korean. We had some magical items suggested by some people. So thank you to at Swilly01997, at Sir Ronimo, at Just Matty Boy, at Commander Lupine, at Jason Elgar,

and finally, of course, at Hero Obligatory. And of course, we had some special guests. Captain Marge, of course, voiced by Zoe Terhune, host of the podcast No Dumb Answers, another one of our podcasts here at Rooster Teeth. And of course, the voice of Suave is voiced by... So big thank you to Suave for voicing Suave. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon is brought to you by Coinbase. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon is brought to you by Coinbase. Cryptocurrency might feel like a secret or exclusive club,

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just past the galley. The doors suddenly swing open with someone polishing a pearl in their hand. They almost stumble into you and say, Pardon, pardon, Sacrebleu. You must be a new guest. Bienvenue, I am Suavier, supplier for the ship and your humble servant.

Suavier. Behind them, you see stacks of barrels, crates, and chests filled with shimmering knickknacks and trinkets of all kinds. Might I ask that we roll for initiative to determine who goes first in buying? Because there's a limited stock, and I'm sure that things are going to get pretty heated. Real fast, just to clarify, it's suave air. Suave air. Suave air.

Suave air. Oh, I love le poisson. I told you this episode was going to get a lot worse. Oh, I love les poissons. I told you this episode was going to get a lot worse. Oh, I love it. Now you get to listen to a bad French accent. Oh, le goose. If I recall correctly last time, when there were multiple people vying for a piece of merch,

we all rolled for who got it. Oh, okay. If we want to just go through in order to see who wants what, I'm fine with that. We can start with Bart for all I care. That other sister is fine. Bart, tell us your first item you want to get. Do I get to go first? Yeah, Bart, Bart, Bart.

There are many, many items from all over the lands available to you. Suavier is looking at all of you, twirling his pencil-thin mustache. Bonjour, Soivier. Comment ça va aujourd'hui? Ah, oui, oui. Ho, ho. That is all you're getting, Barb. Your friend is liking Monsieur Irm. So I'm looking at these suspenders of Haglin. Oh.

I saw that and I was like, suspenders of Haglin. Oh. Oh. I saw that and I was like, that's Bart right there. Yeah. Slapping the suspenders. For a metagaming perspective, for anyone who's listening to the podcast, we have a list of potential items that we supplied the players to look through so they could pick. Provided, a lot of them provided by, uh, members of our community. Yeah.

And the suspenders, suspenders, the suspenders of Haglin, uh, were provided by someone in our community. Yeah, and the suspenders of Haglin were provided by someone in the community. Thank you at sir underscore Ronimo for sending those in. They allow you to snap the suspenders and suffer a little bit of bludgeoning damage to receive a bonus on your next persuasion check. But it

causes the user to speak with a southern drawl. All good things in my opinion. I see no downsides. My, my, my. Ah, very good. 350 gold. Could I try them on first before I buy them? Sure, why not?

All right. That idiot. Bart goes ahead and snaps the suspenders to see if he can haggle him down. All right, let's see. That's really funny. Brilliant. Bart, you take three points of damage. Okay.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. There's no limit on how many times he can snap himself. His health. Other than health, yeah. Yeah, it's only once. Per day? I say you can keep using it, but you can only do it once per roll. Okay.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying, but he's doing this at the top of his shopping. Oh, yeah. Which means Bart can keep doing this for the rest of his shopping experience. Oh, I bought these first on purpose. Smart. Good call. He's going to keep taking damage. I mean, do it. I think it's smart. It's very brilliant. Yeah, I bought these first on purpose. Smart. Good call. He's gonna keep taking damage. I mean, do it.

I think it's smart. It's very brilliant. Yeah. Well played. Alright there, Mr. What was it again? What was your name there? Lumiere? The name is Suaviere, of course. Alright. Now, I need southern accent, but in Bart's pitch. Alright. Here's what I'm gonna be saying here, Suaviere.

You're gonna go ahead and give me these spenders here for roughly let's say 150 gold. Make a persuasion check and you can add 1d4 to it. Wow. 14 plus 2, so

16 total. Nice. Oh, but Swavier's family will be on the street with nothing to eat. 325. Ah, no, no, no, no, no, sir. That is not nearly enough.

Wait a minute. You only took off 25 gold. How about 300 even? Hmm. Let me see. I'm going to have him make a roll here. You roll. So you got a 16 on your persuasion. Seems only fair.

Sorry. Remind me how much gold we got total from the chest each? 50,000. You're not sure yet. Okay. I don't like this game you're playing with us not knowing how much gold we have. Yep. Well, you think that Kyborg had the best estimate.

Okay. He doesn't roll very well. It's a deal. He shoves out a hand to shake your hand and then puts out his other hand to receive the gold. I give him 300 gold. Yeah, he takes it and weighs it out and confirms the amount.

Oh, anything else? Who's next? Do you have any immovable rods? Oh, no. Fresh out. Any other kindvable rods? Oh, no. Fresh out. Any other kind of rods? We have this movable

rod. That's not the name of it. Yeah, he pulls out like a simple rod with an engraved M button on it. It's the M movable rod. Oh, the immovable rod. Oh, I'd love that as well. I'd love to add it to my collection.

I would like that too. Yeah. I'd like that. I think as the archer, it makes the most sense for me to get distance from the enemies. So teleportation 40 feet in any direction, preferably away from enemies.

What if whichever one of you gets it gives it to old Bart here? He snaps himself. Hey, guys, what happened to Bart? He died at the end of a shopping spree. Made some great deals, though. But he got everything on sale. You're going to leave, and Suavier is just going to be wearing, like,

a barrel with suspenders, robbed and blind. So if we all want this bread. I guess we might have to roll Shambo for it. Oh, God. Hey, can I pull mud to the side real quick? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. While they do that, I just hand over the gold for the rod.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Nope, that works. It's up to the DM. Fight, fight, fight. Okay, Borg, what you got? Hey, hey, you know how this goes you know you've got the immovable rod that's pretty funny i think we should both go for the immovable rod i think gum gum i don't know if he needs this here's the here's here's my thought is that uh when gum gum

already has teleportation that happens every once in a while when he does a little rage thing why does he need this rod second gum gums are big old fighter man that's supposed to be close up when we're fighting things if we're in a big old scuffle why we need him to be teleporting 40 feet away so i really think it should be you know yeah you as the archer who needs to get far away for me as the utility you know druid who has to be able to do magic and healing people that'd be great for me to be able to do that for 40 feet yeah exactly and then and then and then if you get it then you're the rod guy that's your thing you're like you're the animal rod guy and then if i get it we get to be the Rod brothers.

It just works out that way. Can you all be Rod and Todd? Yeah. I'll be Rod and Todd. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So with that being said, let's work together however we can. You all are going to make Chris rage quit. He is going to rage quit and murder both of you.

Hey, I at least used the immovable rod before we got to this new rod. So now I need a new rod. You got to use it once. All right. Yeah. So I guess we should kind of sort this out some way with some sort of, you know. You all need to figure it out. I try to buy it.

I hand him the gold. It's not going to work. I will. No, we're figuring it out, sir. So we're still figuring it out. Oh, perhaps someone can offer 400 gold. Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

450. Oh, that's where this is going. Okay. So he's trying to, it's a pool, it's a pot that we're spending from. Perhaps 500. And now Gum-Gum is single-handedly riding up. He's the one man at an auction saying, 500, 600, 700. Let's, hey, so that anybody can get it without us having to spend all our money on one thing,

so that we can all actually be benefiting from getting a bunch of items, let's just figure it out with a simple, you know, rock, paper, scissors here among the group. You know, some sort of meta. Let's do a roll. I think that's a great idea. Persuasion. You're saying that because persuasion is your highest thing.

I'm gambling on... Persuasion works. Persuasion works. That's what makes the most sense. Yeah, let's do persuasion. I have negative two on persuasion. I'm willing to bet that GumGum does not. I think we should do no modifier

roll. But that's not how D&D works. Yeah, you gotta use your modifier. Chris is right. That's how D&D goes. That's his opinion. My opinion is we don't do modifiers. I guess that mud is the tiebreaker here. I like persuasion. This is why Bart never goes for

anything that people want. As he snaps his suspenders one more time. Just bleeds. Gum Gum, go ahead and make your persuasion roll. 24. 24. Kyborg, you want to make a persuasion roll? It's very good.

Six. Gum Gum in the lead. I'm lucky, so I do another one, but it doesn't matter because he's got a modifier. You see why this doesn't work, right? I mean, your roll would have been lower anyways. He rolled a 19 without his modifier. You rolled an 8 without your modifier. It's a good roll.

It's a good roll. Right. Thank you, Barbara, for being the voice of reason there. I just want to point that out. Alright, alright, cool. Now I'm good. I'm fine. That was a good roll. It's a good roll. You gotta get props, you know. Yeah. Oh, it doesn't feel as good, does it? It's Mud's turn to roll persuasion. Alright, alright, cool. Now I'm good. I'm fine. That was a good roll. It's a good roll. You gotta get props. You know. Yeah. Oh, it doesn't feel as good, does it? It's Mud's turn to roll persuasion. Alright. Mud claps his hands together to

get a nice little roll going and also apply guidance to himself. Could I also, before you roll, give you bardic inspiration as well? Yeah, you totally can. John having both rods is so funny to me he's the rod guy but who knows it's like i'm only plus one on persuasion this could go terribly this only

adds one d8 so you could roll a one on that so let's do first roll this is just persuasion plus one that's 17 okay 17 plus my d4 that's only one. I'm at 18. I'm still what? Six short? You're six away. What were you? 24? Yeah. Yeah, I'm still six away. But you have a D8 now.

Low chance on the D8. Yeah, yeah. Will he do it? Will he do it? Only a two. So that's a final score of a 20 for Mud. Yeah. Gum Gum wins the persuasion check and persuades the rest of the party that he is the best candidate to receive the immovable rod.

Way to go, big guy. You won it fair and square. You did it. Hey, Gus, have fun dealing with Chris asking about every time he can use the immovable rod. Suavier puts his hand out. 450 gold, please. Okay. It's 350.

I think it was at 500. I don't know. Well, actually, I think it was 750. Gum Gum hands Suavier 450 gold, and Suavier hands over the M movable rod. Oh, who's next? The original price is 350. Oh, the auction.

Go for it, Kyborg. Okay, dread helm. That sounds pretty cool. What's it do? The dread helm is this fearsome steel helm that makes your eyes glow red while you wear it. Advantage on intimidation checks. Sounds scary. I want that.

Oh, ah, $350 gold. You know what? Can I try it on? Oh, no, no. I'm on to you and your tricks. Okay, 350 it is. That's fine. That's funny. It looks even more metal than I imagined. This thing's so cool. Okay,

who is next? It's not the most glamorous item up there, but how much for that spice pouch up there? Oh, the spice pouch. That is 400 gold. You want to go ahead and tell our listeners what the spice pouch is, John? Yeah, this is the Huard's Handy Spice Pouch,

and it appears as empty and has 10 charges. While holding the pouch, you can use an action to expend one of its charges, speak the name of any non-magical food seasoning, salt, pepper, saffron, et cetera, and remove a pinch of the desired seasoning from the pouch. A pinch is enough to season a single meal, and then the pouch regains expenditures over the day. But the cool thing is that seasoned meals restore 2d6 hit points and grant 5 temp HP.

Not bad. It's like a little handy buff before going into combat. And I'll let you know that on top of dirt in his coffee, Mudloaf's little cinnamon in his coffee. So that'll work out. Oh, 400 gold. Is there a chance you go just a little bit lower for me it's just it's it's it's it's i'm kind of late on the gold right now suavier notices the chest that uh is handcuffed to gum gum that you all have been pulling gold out of oh i don't think that is the case uh but see i'm just a humble druid i don't think that is the case.

But see, I'm just a humble druid. I don't have access to all the money that is in this. You can clearly see from my, you know, simple trappings, and it's to help feed my little badger as well. You can see this is gunpowder gumbo, and he needs food as well. So come on.

Make a deception check. To convince this man it's a badger? It's a real badger, dude, okay? Oh, that Make a deception check. To convince this man it's a badger? It's a real badger, dude. Okay. Oh, that's a negative one. It's a negative one. Oh, no, no. 400 gold.

Okay. I hand over 400 gold. Merci. And I blow a pinch of pepper in his face. Just kidding. Just kidding. I don't do that. Oh, who is next to deal with Suavier?

I think it's me. Bart, back up at the table right here. Oh. He waits. Yeah, I guess the southern accent would have faded by now. Yeah, it's only like right after I use it, I think. Yeah, I think so too. What does the little garçon wish?

Well, I've been eyeing this magic conch over here. Looks mighty fine. What does it do? A magic conch. You may ask the magical item any question and it will cast the spell divination. This could be used once per day, but the magic conch replies with a loud yelling voice,

starting with magic conch, magic conch, praise the magic conch. We ask the question and response. Everyone in the immediate area hears the response. I just want to make us yell magic conch, magic conch. I think you have to. I think you have to. The magic conch replies with a loud have to i think you have to magic conch replies with

a loud yelling voice oh it does so what is uh i don't know what divination does essentially your magic and an offering put you in contact with a god or a god's servant you ask a single question concerning a specific goal event or activity to occur within seven days the gm offers a truthful reply the reply might be a short phrase a a cryptic rhyme, or an omen. The spell doesn't take into account any possible circumstances that might change the outcome, such as the casting of additional spells or the loss or gain of a companion. Cool. That's a cool item. It is cool, and I must say, snaps the suspenders.

It would look mighty fine for 500 gold as opposed to 600 all right let's see first of all you take one point of damage okay not bad not bad just a slightly bruised nipple yeah go ahead and make your just persuasion roll he's just sort of bleeding out of his mouth as he haggles that is a 23 nice damn plus probably not matter, plus another two, 25. 25. I mean, it matters. Suavier does not roll well. Roll me an insight check as well, Bart.

13. Okay, 500. All right. I mean, all right, all right, all right. You do notice, Bart, that Suaviere seems to be a little pasty, which is unusual for someone who spends a lot of time at sea. Just a little distracting. It's a little pale. Hey, buddy, I know I've been grifting you out of a ton of money

in the last few minutes, but you're doing all right. You've been what? Buying items from you in a fair manner. Ah, yes, I am fine. I am new to the boat. I also am new to the boat. I am Flower Pirate. Yeah, I like how you make yourself laugh.

He's just giggling. What does Gum Gum want next? Can I get the bag of clumsy dust? 400 gold. Do you want to read that? When applied to an item or surface, it will act as though the grease spell has been applied. You can choose if it is sticky, slippery, or some other

difficult terrain. The bag replenishes itself, Don. So it casts like, it makes things slippery or gooey. Mm-hmm. Oh yes, very finite down. 400 gold. Okay. Should I use? And. And I slap myself in the chest.

And I say, if I only gave you two gold. Make a persuasion check. Good haggle. And I'll bolster myself. I have a new bolstering magic thing. I don't think any amount of bolstering is going to get you down to two.

I know. Persuasion is nine. Nine. Not great. He used up all of his persuasion juice to get the M movable rod. Yeah. And then I get a roll of D3. I just won't do it.

I'm not going to use it. I'll save it. I hear a lot of clicking. There's a lot of clicking. Oh, no, no, no. Two is way too low. Way, way too low. 400 gold.

Okay, you drive a high buggy, but okay. All right, you exchange 400 gold in return for the bag. Go ahead and roll me an insight check, Gum-Gum. 12? 12, yeah. Now that Bart asked him about it, you notice, yeah, Soavier is kind of pale. How weird. You okay, man? You okay, man?

Oh, yes, we, yes, we, we. Who's next? Is it me or is it you, Mud? I think it's me. If that's okay. Yeah, yeah, you go ahead. Mud turns into a badger.

Okay. Oops, all badgers. Mud turns into a badger. Okay. Oops, all badgers. Mud turns into a badger. Famous haggling badger. Yep, and gets up on the counter and wants to sniff Savier to see if he recognizes Savier's scent. Savier's scent.

What do badgers have? Is there like some kind of badger smell? We have like, I have to pull up the animal, but I remember it being that you get advantage on checks that involve smell. Keen smell. The badger has advantage on wisdom perception checks. Yeah, go ahead and make me a perception check with advantage. It's the same guy, isn't it?

Is this where we're getting at? That's a 27. Oh, we know. And that's a 13. Yeah, when you turn into the badger and get up there and start sniffing him, you notice that Suavier is having a real hard time maintaining eye contact and looks like he's sweating a bit. I think something's off about this guy.

You think he's clearly lying about something. What was his name? What was his name? What was his name? I don't remember. Suavier. No, no. Oh, yes, yes. Oui, Suavier.

I have a, can I use my ring of truth telling on you? Sure. And that just gives you advantage on questions, right? Like advantage on like insight checks to know if someone's lying or not. Insight checks, I think is what it was, wasn't it? Yeah. Oh, no. Suavier is from the far-flung land of Bonsoir.

I think you should tell us who you really are and where you're from. I'm Suavier from Bonsoir. Are you not listening? Check it. Check it. Check it. You are you not listening? Check it. Check it. You are full of poo-poo. I really think you should tell us, and I slam my fist down, and my eyes are glowing red.

I think Bart was going to check first. Do it. Yeah, do that insight. Insight. That's a 20. Or. And a 26. 26.

Yeah, you don't think that he's telling the truth And you've never heard of Bonsoir Well, sir, we caught you in a lie Because there's no such place as Bonsoir Oh, but it's true I used to be a prince I was next in line for the throne But that life was not for me So I ran away to find myself i call the bull poo poo

what was his name i i i someone's got to be searching this up fiddler middler fiddler which character are you thinking the merchant the merchant. The merchant. We met him like three times. Yeah. He was Italian at one point. I am just a simple lover of the rare items, objects of beauty and lore. I'm pursuing life as a humble trader. Mud jumps up on his face and starts rubbing what the white stuff is off of him. No, no, no, no, no.

It starts like rubbing off. You can tell it's makeup on his face and starts rubbing what the white stuff is off of him. No, no, no, no, no. It starts rubbing off. You can tell it's makeup on his face. Gumbo's helping, by the way. This man has two badgers on him. And the pencil-thin mustache that I mentioned earlier was also like a glue-on mustache. It also falls off. Fine, fine. Man, you guys are going to haunt me to the end of my days, huh?

It's me, Bezla. Bezler. Bezler. I am Bezler. Hey, you're following us. I was your first. You're following me. I don't think so. Just pick a place and we won't come back, I promise.

Easy with the makeup. I have a reputation to maintain here. He's looking in a mirror trying to fix the damage that's been done by Badgermud and by Gumbo. Bezler, I think that since you were dishonest to us, once again that we deserve a discount from your store. Your wares.

A discount? I'm just trying to make an honest living here. Start over since you all have run Bezla out of every job that he's had. Here, here. fine, fine. You all can have a healing potion. Just keep quiet, all right? I'll take it.

All right, fine. Keep it to yourself. I also do still want to buy some stuff. Fine. Now, take more of my money because I'd like to buy things. Let's make a deal. I fancy the cloaks, the cloak of many fashions, which is while wearing this cloak,

you can use a bonus action to change the style, color, and apparent quality of the garment. Cloak's weight doesn't change regardless of its appearance. The cloak can't be anything but a cloak, although it can duplicate the appearance of other magic cloaks. It doesn't gain their magical properties. So the cloak is always a cloak,

but you can change its style, color, and quality of the cloak is always a cloak, but you can change its style, color, and quality of the cloak. Yeah. I think that that's going to go well with if we're like trying to sneak into something, I could Oh, suddenly I look like one of the guards. I have a red cloak that matches their red cloaks. I don't know.

Okay, yeah. Alright. 250 gold. 200. Come on, guy boy. You're killing me. I got seven children to feed. No, you lied to us about this last time. 200. Make a persuasion roll.

Okay. All right. Sure you don't want me to do an intimidation roll? You could try intimidation. You're trying to persuade right now. That's why I said persuade. Intimidation would be fun, especially since I just rolled a two. Rolled a two. All right. Make an intimidation check. fun, especially since I just rolled a two. Rolled a two.

All right, make an intimidation check. All right, all right. And I reaffirm 200. Oh, shoot. Seven. Oh, that's not much better. But then I get advantage. What's the thing with the helmet?

Advantage on intimidation check. Okay, all right. Let's do that one more time then. Ah-ha! 14. 14. Let's see how scared Bezler is. Nope.

I must be very firm on this. He rolled a 15 just for the audio listeners. Okay. Well, we're being socialists anyways. We're all sharing from the same money, so that's fine. All right. 250 gold. You've changed 250 gold with your old friend Bezler,

and he hands you the Cloak of Many Fashions. Sweet. And all of a sudden, music starts playing, saying, walk, walk, fashion baby. I was thinking, it's red and yellow and green. Oh, yeah. There you go. Bart, do you have anything else you'd like to purchase?

Yeah, maybe a potion or two up here. Let's see. I guess, because I don't know how much gold I have to buy anything else i don't want to be in debt yeah you've uh made a a good dent into the gold from the chest but there still seems to be quite a bit in there i'm seeing a potion of climbing that looks kind of nice for you yeah this uh potion of climbing you know but as a fellow like myself i'm a little bit uh lacking in the height department,

so I often want to, you know, get higher than I am right now. So maybe some climbing might do me good here and there. Oh, Bezla can sympathize with that. I know that feeling. 300 gold. Or how about... Oh. No, that's fine.

I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. Exchange 300 gold for the potion of climbing, which allows you to gain a climbing speed equal to your walking speed for one hour. You get advantage on checks to make you climb as well. The potion's separated into different colors, like different layers, like a brown, silver, and gray. Is that important info for any reason?

No, just a flavor text. Bart, do you just have two items? You got the suspenders and the... And the conch. Oh, and the conch. He's got three items. Yeah. Oh, and this is his third item?

Yes. Okay. I only have one item. Why do I only have one item? I don't know, man. I thought you were just being nice, letting everyone else get everything. Oh, did we just skip over him because I didn't get the M movable rod? Maybe.

I think you became a badger and clawed at Swamir's face. Oh, yeah, you didn't do anything. I did that. Yeah. Can I get two items this round? I'm lacking in items. Why don't you just get an item right now? That's what I mean.

I need to catch up. I'm behind one item. Well, just for reference, everyone else, Kyborg and Gum-Gum, also have two currently. Yeah. I only have one. That's what I'm saying. I have one. What do you want?

Go. Bezla's here for you. Okay. Let's see. I've got my own couple of items. I think I want this Cloak of Billowing. Ooh, good one. While wearing this cloak, you can use a bonus action to make it billow dramatically.

If used properly, advantage on charisma checks at DM discretion. Ooh. Hope you don't use it improperly because then you get disadvantage. It flies over your head and covers your eyes. Me and Kaibar are just going to be cape buddies. Yeah, the cloak team. 300 gold.

Yeah, I can hand that over. Get that gemstone thing too. Oh, that's the other thing I wanted. Could I also get the billowing thingy and the orcish gemstone together for maybe like a combination price? Sure. A total of 650. That's not a discount. It's a combination price. 650.

Right. 650. Right. Okay. I'll take it. Orcish gemstone lets the user see through the eyes of another. The user appears undead to those around them when using said item. Three charges per long rest. There's got to be limitations, and I'm not going to pull a Chris here and think that you can just do whatever you want with it.

Is it people within I can see or that I know, or what is it? Yeah, we'll say someone whose presence is known to you that you can see, like someone within visual distance. Okay. All right, I'll have both of those. That's cool. Yeah, yeah, we'll say that. The chest does appear to be significantly light.

Okay. Like, so we get cheap items, like two cheap items now? That's for you and the party to figure out. Part of me feels like we don't need to blow the rest of the cash, but also we never find these places, so we might as well. Do we want to get some healing potions and stuff? I have a question about this potion of love or whatever. Is that a one-time use thing?

Yeah, potions are typically a one-time use. Okay. I think that would be cool. I've never been in love. What do you call this, Gum-Gum? Your bite. All right, fair enough. We don't have enough for the acme thing, probably.

That acme thing looks like it could literally blow up in our face. I'm very sorry about that. You think you might have enough for the Acme item. And I have a question. Whenever the sound of dynamite, does the box, the box is unharmed. If you roll a six on it, it just, it's done for the, until the long rest. Correct. The box is unharmed.

Okay. Okay. For our listeners, the item is the Acme sample pack. There box is unharmed. Okay. Okay. For our listeners, the item is the Acme Sample Pack. There's a lot of detailed text here, so I'm going to give you the cliff notes. It's a mysterious box

from a mysterious company. Opening the box creates a series of strange, unexplained events, rarely backfires. Roll a 1d6 for the following results. One, a piano chord

plays from the box. On your next turn, a piano falls from the sky on an enemy. Two, the sound of gold. On your next turn, a piano falls from the sky on an enemy. 2. The sound of gold. On your next turn, a safe falls from the sky. 3. The sound of a forge comes from the box. On your next turn, an anvil falls from the sky on an enemy. 4. The sound of rushing wind. Rolled a 1d10. A hole with a diameter of the resulting number appears in front of you. 5. A sizzling sound comes from the box. A hand-wielding an Acme A1 disintegrating pistol

appears and fires the disintegrate spell. Six, the sound of dynamite. The box explodes immediately in your hand. There's a lot going on with this one. Oh, it's a six-level spell. The disintegrate spell. Disintegrate's pretty powerful. We are six-level.

That seems like something we should put in the hands of our teenage boy. And just for clarification also, it says that if Disintegrate is the result, that uses two charges on the box. And the Disintegrate, it hits the person who opens it, right? No, I would say

it fires off towards an enemy. Yeah, it fires forward. Oh. What about that combined with the Ring of Warmth? Would that protect against fire damage? Ring of warmth. Well, in this ring, you have resistance to cold damage. Oh, I read that wrong. Okay, sorry. I mean, that sounds fun to me.

It's so straightforward. Mutt's good, so you can just, whatever you want at the end of this. Unless, Kyborg, unless you want it, I would like to get that. Nope. Alright, I'm gonna get that mystery box. Alright right, I'm going to get that mystery box. All right, the Acme sample pack. That was submitted to us by someone on social media,

at Hero Obligatory. Thank you for sending us that magic item. Yeah, you have to empty out the rest of your chest in order to be able to pay for the Acme sample pack, because Bezler tells you that's 750. Also, I want to give shout-outs to the two items that I got to the makers. We got at Commander Lupine did the Cloak of Billowing and at Jason Alger did the Orcus Gemstone.

Thank you for making cool items. Thank you. I missed that. Yeah, same. Shout-out to Xanathar. Big fan of the show, that guy. As you, you know, dig around in the chest for the remainder of the gold, Bessler's watching you dig it out, and he catches sight of the items you picked up in New Valros. Wait.

What are those? What is he looking at? The sword and shield on your back, Gum-Gum. Oh. Just the stuff that Gum-Gum picked up? Yeah. Yeah. This is a sword and a shield from Amini.

Mm, accurate. Oh, those are fine, fine specimens. Excellent quality. Would you be interested in trading those? I have some special reserve stock that I'd be willing to part with in exchange for those. Well, like what? I could give an item to each in your party. Tailor suited, Bezla has such a history with you guys.

I know the kinds of things that each of you would like. Let's hear it. I want to see what these items are. Sounds like Christmas to me. Let's do this. Let's hear it out first. Let's not agree to this. Metagame perspective, each of you would roll, and depending on what you rolled, you would get a different item.

I have a list of items tailor-suited for each of your characters. Sounds fun. That I would exchange to each of you if you're willing to part with sword, sword, and shell shield. What do those do anyway? You can't use them. They're not attuned to you. Metagame perspective,

they only work for Valrasians. Okay. I mean, I don't see why we wouldn't then. Yeah. Let's do it. Sounds fun. Well, I was thinking that they were trying to pull it away because it was going to be too OP, and it would require attunement, but eventually you'd be able to use it. And I wanted to kind of break the game, but since they're saying it's only for Valrasians, and they cheated us,

then we should move forward with the transaction. Cheaters. Can you convert to Valrasian? Is that like an option? Well, as you know, Besler does collect rare artifacts. That's kind of been his ongoing thing every time you all encounter him. And mustaches. And terrible fake mustaches.

So he's a collector of rare items. Oh, wait. Yeah, show us what you got. All right. You can go ahead and mark those off of your character sheet. Chris. Okay.

And who wants to roll first? We haven't heard from Bart in a while. I'll do it. Roll me a D20, Bart. Just a regular roll. D20. Mm-hmm. Five.

Five. Oh, I'm in the wrong. I'm looking at Mud's items. I was like, that doesn't make any sense for Bart. I have clothes for a spider. Why are we giving this to her? I have clothes for a spider. Why are we giving this to her?

Besler, you know, unlocks a chest that you hadn't seen before. It's hidden behind all of his normal wares. It starts digging around in there, and he pulls out a magic wand, and he hands it to you, Bart. For you, Bart, this is a wand of magic detection. When you're holding it, you can cast detect magic up to three times a day. That's a good spell. Wonderful.

You should use it on me. Just once a day, use it on GumGum to check. Just to see if he's magical yet. That's your morning routine. I go, no, nothing. He goes, you didn't even do it. No, I totally cast it. I totally

cast it. I swear. You see, pew, pew, pew. Or you could just do it and tell me it worked. Yeah. That's true. Who's next? Kyborg. Yeah, yeah.

Let's do it. D20, you said? D20. Also, metagaming, does the higher the roll, the better the thing, or is it just like there's a list of things? It's just a list of things at random. All right. Here we go.

Your roll just tells me which one to pick. Whee! That's a 20. That means it's the best one. 20 for Cyborg. So I have a diaper for archers. Bezler, again, looks into that chest, digs around for a bit, and pulls out a belt with a big buckle on it.

And for you, Cyborg, well, this, let's just say I don't know who else I can give this belt to. And on the buckle is the coolest looking dude you've ever seen. Wearing shades with slick back hair, super muscular, super cool. This is the belt of sick tricks, by the way. Whoever wears this belt can declare a cool stunt by praising the god of athleticism. And if successful, the wearer has advantage on any acrobatics check for the next hour and may be granted temporary hit points

or a small blessing. Designed for you. But if the trick isn't cool enough, the gods may look unfavorably upon them and they will have disadvantage on charisma-based checks. Oh, and I'm looking at the belt buckle right now and the guy's got a name tag on it on the belt buckle. His name is Gus.

No, it's Kord. Kord is the god of athletics, isn't it? It actually says sleek. Even better. Blaine's face just went... If, yeah, if the audience could see Blaine's reaction upon that, oh my gosh.

Immediate smile to, it's like that emoji that has the straight mouth across. Someone took some scissors to his balloons he's been holding around all day. It's Kord, right? Kord's on the belt buckle, right? There is no name tag. You don't know who it is, but it's super cool.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's playing a lute. I don't know what else I can do except from take it, so I'll take it. Yeah, that's cool. What's it called again? How do I find this? Sick trick something? Belt of sick tricks? The belt of sick tricks.

I'll send you the thing I read. That's not homebrew. That's definitely Gary Gygax. Just for reference, I didn't mention it. If the trick's not cool enough on top of having disadvantage on charisma checks, you may also take lightning damage from being smited for being uncool. That's pretty cool.

I think the god of athleticism is actually just like a hawk. I think his name is Tony Hawk? I think that's the... Jesus. I'm actually trying to flex my D&D knowledge. Who's next? We got who's left? Gum Gum and Mud. Go, Gum Gum. Okay, I go.

I roll a d20. Yep. Here we go. And he takes a shot. I know. It did get a little gulf there. And he sinks it. One. And he's rolling. Once again, Bezler, you know, dives back into the chest, rummages around, and pulls out a javelin.

This here gum gum is a javelin of lightning. You hurl it and speak its command word. It transforms into a bolt of lightning. That's five feet wide and extends out from you to the target within 120 feet. Every creature in the line, except for you and the target, must make a DC 13 dexterity saving throw, taking 4d6 lightning damage on a fail save. The lightning bolt turns back into a javelin when it reaches its target

and just makes a normal ranged weapon attack. And the javelin's property cannot be used again until the next dawn. Until then, it's just a normal javelin. Ooh, and if I jump on it, does it make me bounce? If you use it in conjunction with your ring of jumping, yes. Oh, cool. No, the way Gum-Gum would use it, he would look at a javelin and he's like,

oh, it's a big wand. And he'd just be walking around with this giant wand. That's actually true. Yeah. So you're telling me it's a magic lightning wand? Yeah. wand. That's actually true. Yeah. So you're telling me it's a magic lightning wand? Yeah. Yes. That's gum gum size.

Last up, we have Mud. I shall roll. And I rolled a nine. Nine. He brought a nine. But forgive me for this roll. Bezler reaches down into the chest once again, pulls something out, and then closes the chest and locks it.

And he hands Mud a wand. For you, Mud, this is the wand of web. It has seven charges, and you can use an action to expend one of its charges to cast the web spell. It regains charges daily at dawn. Everyone else got something new. I got something I can already do. But this is like you don't have to worry about casting it or preparing it.

It's kind of a magic detection wand. What is that going to do? You want to trade? Actually, I know that spell already too. Yeah, I was going to say, you have that, I think. Cool. We all got sticks. Free stuff.

Free stuff. Free stuff. Free stuff. Free stuff. Thank you. I'm Spider-Man now. I'm spider-man now I'm spoderman as you guys are finishing up talking with bezler looking over your new items crack there's a flash of lightning streaks across a nearby portal and the

rumbling of thunder shakes the hull overhead you hear captain Marge shop I run up and I put my hands on the ship I run to the ballista and I started from the crow's nest you hear dead man dreffel cry out blimey captain storm clouds ahead they came from nowhere he heard him sailors hey and back-ho! And batten down the- Kaboom! A bolt of lightning strikes the captain and sends her flying into the main mast with a loud wham! She plummets to the deck, limp as a noodle. You hear a screeching noise and four slimy tentacles erupt from around the ship, flailing and grasping onto the ship itself. Deadman Dreffle yells out, The Calamar! She's back! The Calamar? Release the Calamar!

And Drefful yells out, the calamar! She's back! Calamar? Release the calamar! We're going to, we've done a couple episodes like this before where we're going to have skill challenges set up for each of you guys. And you're going to encounter problems. Then you all need to devise a solution to the problem. And then, you know, take the appropriate action with skill checks.

If you're successful, good stuff happens. If you're unsuccessful, bad stuff happens. And other party members can offer help. They have to figure out what you're going to do, and if you make a good skill check, you assist with two points. But if you do a bad skill check, you make it harder by two points. And I imagine this will have to do with the different roles that we chose.

Look at you! Helmsman Bart! Buckle Bort! All over it. Buckle Bort. This is actually a boss in Super Mario RPG, which is also a role-playing game. Peg Leg Potter hobbles over to you and says, Avast you scallywags. Do ye remember your duties?

Duties. Sure do. Helmsman Buckle Bort at your duty. And he accidentally snaps his suspenders. He's going to do that constantly. He will die. He will die. He will die. First up, you see Captain Marge

is unconscious near the main mast. It needs to be moved to safety. However, the Calamar's tentacles are flailing all around the main deck of the ship. Surgeon Matey Mudd, what will you do? Heart transplant. Do it. Well, first I have to turn back into a fear bog.

I'm a badger right now. I don't think a badger is really good for surgery. So can I rush over to her and check to see, like, is she alive? What kind of check would you make? Check the medicine. Medicine? I don't know. What do you check? What do you check?

I check for breath. I check for breath. What's the check for breath? I'm just asking. Yeah, medicine. Yeah. You're going to have to be careful to dodge the tentacles that are flailing about the deck of the ship right now. Okay.

So go ahead and just for fun, make me a dexterity check to see if you can get over all of the tentacles and get to Marge successfully. Marge. Marge. That's a 13. Yeah, that's good enough. Okay. And now make me a medicine check to see if you can figure out what's wrong with Marge and potentially stabilize her. That's a 23. That's pretty good.

You rush over to Captain Marge, and you feel like her heart is not beating the way it should be. So you take your mighty firbolg fist and slam it into her chest to help get it back into rhythm. Her eyes pop open, and she comes back to life. Yay! I did it. I'm a doctor. Marge! Because he likes to do what Daddy does, Gumbo was also doing that with his little badger paws. Mud just invented

CPR. Mud and Gumbo just invented CPR. Yeah. Wow. That's the best surgeon I've ever seen. So, Captain Marge is revived, and if you want, she can help on the next skill check. Yay. Excellent. Thick rain is pouring down overhead, and torrential winds are picking up, forcing the ship off course.

The main sail needs to be furled and tied down. It's up to Flower Pirate Gum-Gum, the rigger, to make sure everything's taken care of. Yar. Okay. Yar. Gum-Gum, the rigger, to make sure everything's taken care of. Yar! Okay. Yar! There's rat lines running up to the mast, like that netted rope that you see in pirate movies. So you need to make your way up there

and roll up the mainsail and tie it down. How far up is it? It's like at the top of the mast. What would we say, like 30 feet? 30, 40 feet, something like that? Okay. This is about to be sloth from the Goonies. Hey, you guys.

God. Well, can I jump up there with my jump ring? How high can you jump? So jump ring allows you to do triple your normal jump, correct? Mm-hmm. You have a rod that can teleport you. I do. You could set the world record for how quickly you use the rod. I do. You could set the world record

for how quickly you use the rod. All right. I'll jump and use the rod. Why even jump? Okay, let's see. High jump. When you make a high jump, you leap into the air

a number of feet equal to three plus your strength modifier. Gum, gum. Your strength modifier is plus five. So you're able to jump 11 feet up, which means with the ring of jumping, you get 33 feet up into the air. Oh, that's what it is anyway.

So I don't even need to use the rod. Yeah, you could just jump if you wanted to. All right, I'll just jump and save the rod. I don't know why you're saving it, but okay. Gum Gum hops up into the air. You easily get to the top of the mast, but you need to make a dexterity check to make sure you're able to grab onto it successfully and stop yourself from falling back to the air. You easily get to the top of the mast, but you need to make a dexterity check to make sure you're able to grab onto it successfully

and stop yourself from falling back to the deck. Okay. So make me a dexterity check. Okay, yeah, so I got a three. You jump up into the air, but you're so pleased with yourself and you're so in awe of the view. You see all the lightning and the calamar under the ship

that you forget to actually grab onto the mast. Oh, no. And you fall back down to the deck of the ship and land. I don't think nothing bad happens. It's like you don't take any damage or anything, but you land back on the deck of the ship. On my way back down, can I use the movable rod to teleport back up? Make a intelligence check to see if you think about it quick enough.

You created this monster, Gus. Well, you know. 13. 13. Yeah, as you're falling, you see the mast pass in front of your eyes, and you remember that you were supposed to grab onto it. Yeah, so you can pull out the M movable rod

and teleport back up. Make one more dexterity check to make sure you grab onto the mast this time. He falls again. That would be really funny. That's a 10? Nope. The mast is slick from the rain,

so you're not quite able to grab onto it, and you once again fall back to the ground. At that point, the calamar roars, and bolts of lightning come all around the deck of the ship. Everyone needs to make a dexterity saving throw. Oh, no. Bro. I'm so damaged from my suspendies already.

My suspendies. I rolled a seven, but suspendies already. My suspendies. I rolled a seven, but I'm going to do a lucky. Lucky's only on one, is it not? No, no, no. Not for elves. You have three luck points. He took the lucky feat. Yeah, so he can redo it at any time.

At any time? Yep. I rolled an 11. I rolled a seven. I rolled a 20. I rolled a 12. Not much better, but better. Okay, so we got a 20 for Gum Gum, an 11 for Bart, a 7 for Mud, and a 12 for Kyobor.

Is that correct? Yes. Okay, lightning slams down everywhere. Only Gum-Gum is able to jump out of the way in time. Everyone takes some damage. It's okay, guys. We're super beefy now because we leveled up, right? Everyone takes 20 points of damage.

Jesus. Except for Gum-Gum, who's able to dodge out of the way successfully, and he takes half. He takes 10. About to take that potion that What's-His-Face just sold us. Bezler. A gaping tear also rips through the mainsail, and the ship continues to thrash about in the storm,

making it very difficult to gain your footing on the deck. The Calamar begins climbing up the starboard bow of the ship and starts wrapping its massive tentacles around the hull tighter and tighter. You hear the shiplap groaning under the pressure of its grip. It's up to Kyborg, the Powder Monkey. Oh, I forgot. It's a Powder Monkey Iron Arm. Woo! To get to the weapons and supply them with appropriate gunpowder to be loaded, aimed, and fired to get the calamar off of the ship.

Let's do it. Get that marinara sauce ready, boys. We're having calamari tonight. So it's very difficult to hold your footing. The calamar is grabbing onto the ship. The sail is causing the ship to thrash about in the storm. onto the ship. The sail is causing the ship to thrash about in the storm. You're going to have to make a dexterity check at disadvantage to see if you're able to get to the cannons and the ballista in time to activate them.

Got you. Okay. That's a 20 and a 6. So since it's at disadvantage, we take the lower one. So it's a six. Poop.

Can I use lucky on that one? Yeah, if you wanted to, you could use lucky on that. Yeah, why not? We got the new thing. Let's do it. How often can you use lucky? I got three lucky points per long rest. Three a day.

It's not only rolls he makes, it's rolls made against him as well. Oh, so he could get like an enemy to reroll? That is OP. OP, baby. He could have made Chris reroll his persuasion check for the immovable rod, but I didn't say anything about it. I'm learning.

I'm sorry, but I'll keep that in mind. Here's another dexterity check for you. My God, it's a nine. Nine. Okay, so you get a nine. You take a few confident steps, but the deck doesn't seem to be cooperating. It's not where you expected.

You just can't quite seem to stay on your feet. The calamar roars and shatters the foremaster's path, thrusts the splintered pole and the flapping sail across the main deck. I don't like this cruise. I want to go home. I don't like the water. The calamar picks up some debris and barrels that are on the deck of the ship with its tentacles and tosses them in

your direction. Mud, make a dexterity saving throw. It's only a 12. You take nine points of damage from being hit by a barrel. I'm in danger. The ship's still tossing about in the rolling waves. You hear Deadman Dreffle holler over the bellowing wind and rain.

Avansky, rocks ahead, rocks ahead. Do something before we scuttle the ship. It's up to Bucko Bort, the helmsman, to save the day. The helm, you know, of course, from your time previously on the ship, is at the main deck towards the stern end of the ship. You've got to get there and try to do your best to steer the ship away from the rocks. Okay. Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

He gets advantage from all of this. Bark, bark. Keep going this whole time. Yeah, the deck, like, you know, kyborg experience is still thrashing about. It's very difficult to get your footing. You're going to need to make a dexterity check, but you do have disadvantage

because of the way the ship is rocking and the force of the calamar. Okay. I'm trying to see if I have any equipment here that could help me. Could I intimidate him to be good? You could make him good. You could try it. Maybe if you roll well enough, it's able to assist Bart.

Yeah, this is like a dad yelling at his son. Be better. Dude, I know all about that. No, I will not intervene. Get best of luck assist Bart. Yeah, this is like a dad yelling at his son. Be better. Dude, I know all about that. No, I will not intervene. Get best of luck, Bart. It's okay, it's okay. I'm very talented, so I'll be able to do this without any help.

Speaking of which, Captain Marge reaches out to you, Bart. Oh, yeah. Remember your sea legs. You never lose them. And inspires you with a little bit of confidence, so you're no longer at disadvantage. Yeah. A regular role.

Marge helps. Yar, captain. Alright, so dexterity saving, or no, dexterity check? Check, yes. That is a 23. 23. You're able to, rather easily, actually, your sea legs do come back to you pretty quickly. You're able to scramble up to the helm, and you have to wrestle with it

to pull it to the side to avoid crashing into the rocks. But before he does that, Bart lifts up both his pants legs and he goes, see legs. Bart is thrown off the ship. He is in the water, man overboard. The calamar picks Bart up and eats him. All right. Yeah, I guess you can make like a strength check to see if you're able to wrestle the

wheel unless you can think of another way to try to move the wheel and turn the ship away from the rocks No, I guess that would probably make the most sense Okay, because I can't talk the wheel into what doing what I want That is a 14 You wrestle with it, but the wheel keeps pulling back in the direction of the rocks. Can I help it's really tough Uh, yeah, you could you could scramble over and try to help as well if you want to do your own strength check. Or do you have something else in mind?

Well, we're trying to pull the wheel to the side and let it not rest back to the other way, right? Yeah. Could we pull it to the side before it gets rested? Could I put my immovable rod in there to stop the wheel from going? Immovable rod making a return. Sure. Make a...

I mean, we need some kind of roll. Roll a d20. Yay! d20. d20. Nat. Nat. Nat 20. Nat. What you got? What you got for me? The rain is stinging your eyes. You're barely able to grab onto the wheel. You feel like it's slipping out of your hands

and you're losing control of the ship when out of nowhere, mud arrives with the immovable rod and sticks it into the wheel, stopping it from turning further to the rocks. You're able to pull it to the side away from the rocks, just barely enough to where the calamar instead plows into the jagged rocks and is sent careening off into the raging sea.

plows into the jagged rocks, and is sent careening off into the raging sea. Everyone, if you don't have it, receives an inspiration die. Whee! Yeah! High five, Bart. High five, Bart. Bart jumps to give a high five.

Yeah! Captain Marge says, I believed in ye, Bart. Oh, I almost forgot. Here are ye navigator tools. She hands over a set of navigator's tools. Ye forgot these the last time ye were here. Might ye have any healing potions on ye, person?

No, but Swavier can help ye with that. Yeah. The choppy seas and murky skies steadily quiet themselves once again. As the storm clouds slowly scatter, two wards reverberate over the washing of waves. Land home! What'd you call me? We did it! Thanks for listening to this episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Where have our adventurers ended up? We'll have to find out next time. Aruba! Bahama! Jamaica! Ooh, I won. Come on, pretty mama. Did we do the same song but different parts? Yeah, we did. We all did.

That was fun. You guys had a lot of fun that episode. Some shopping, some fighting. It was a good day. Pirates. A little bit of Bezler. Yeah, some fighting during shopping. Yeah.

But yeah, thanks everyone for listening. We'll be back again next week with another episode. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye. you