Tales from the Stinky Dragon - Vengeance in Vainia - C02 - Ep 44 - Can I Get a Vitness?

Episode Date: April 23, 2024

The party discovers a drunken count Dracula - who has some surprising revelations to drop on our heroes! Join us on Discord: https://discord.gg/roosterteeth Check out our merch and follow us on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok and more: https://linktr.ee/TalesFromTheStinkyDragon Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This is a Rooster Teeth Production. dragon guzzle our latest gulp deep into the seaweeds. It's a mixture of drowned ginger, a grappling of lemon, faux faux nut milk, a slam of agave, and amphibious algae powder. One drop of this dank drink, you'll see that all wood things moss come to an end. No laughing. Previously, our adventurers were frittering away on the floor of the fang pick. They came upon a cornucopia of coffins, creeped into the capillary, and probed

an imprisoned Papa Von Brath. Round of refreshment, let's resume this rank recollection. Papa! Hello everyone, I'm recollection. Papa! Hello, everyone. I'm Gustavo Sorolla, the Dungeon Master of our future party. I'm gonna hit our foreplayers with an arrow. Not me!

I grab Quiffly. I put him in front of me. He takes it right to the face. Not Quiffly! This week's role-playing warm-up question is, what is your favorite type of cheese, and why? I'll go first. Hello, I'm Barbara Dunkelman. I play Olga von Braz,

the half-elf vampire barbarian. And a little known fact, Olga does not like cheese, any type of cheese. No. Because she is lactose intolerant. What else intolerant is she? All food intolerant. No.

Yeah, she does not like cheese, but you know, if she had to pick one, she'd probably pick Swiss because the holes are kind of cool and she could. They're like fake holes. Yeah, exactly. It just makes a pretty kind of picture for her. I don't know. It's a very visually appealing cheese. I'll go next. Hey, it's playing Gibson

And I play Chip Haney Tiefling Rogue level 7 And I like my cheese Like I like my knives sharp So I enjoy cheddar And I also like Swiss Because of the holes I like my victims

With holes What about curds? Oh cheese curds are good. Oh the cheese curds. Wisconsin cheese. Might be Matisse favorite maybe for poutine. I don't know. Oh no Matisse not French Canadian. French Canadian is true.

But I am John Reisinger and I play Matisse Confucius the Eric Cochran ghost monk. Picking your favorite cheese is like picking your favorite wine that was good that was very good you stole the words out of my mouth

yes it is I cannot pick they're all perfect they're all so fantastic I mean obviously like brie is fantastic with some honey and on bread, but then if you get some camembert or some monster, it's just all it's perfect. All cheese. I feel like,

you know, since Matisse says all cheese is perfect, I think Matisse would probably have a really especially soft place in their heart for, like, Kraft American singles. Yeah, the part of your art where hell is. That soft, squishy, hellish part of your heart. Craft American.

It's good. It's not bad. It's garbage, but it's good. I wouldn't classify it as like a fine cheese. They're okay like in a sandwich. Like if you make a grilled cheese or something, but if you're just eating it on your own. I could shuffle a pack

of like Kraft Singles like a deck of cards and just eat the entire deck. Like plastic. Hit me. I'm Chris Damaris and I play Barney Farney. I do enjoy several different cheeses. There's just cheese

which some people call monster cheese but in this this area, it's just called cheese. Yeah, that's good. That's good. I like that. Oh, monster. But my personal favorite is a good aged Gouda. Just because I think things always, you know, they get better with age. I agree, Barney.

I agree. Yeah. Better with age. When you were young, Barney, there was just cheese, right? There weren't like different kinds. It was just generic. It was cheese and that was it. Exactly. I'm so happy to have been around during the invention of aged cheese. Did you used to make your own

cheese like with the barrel and the butter and I don't know how the next cheese. Barney was doing the butter churning motion. And I'm realizing, don't think Elga knows how cheese is made. I have no idea. Neither does Barbara. I would help with it, with the cows, but Marnie was much better with cheese. And animals.

Well, I'm pretty good with animals. I don't know if you remember Hoofer. Oh, I remember Hoofer. He's doing so good right now out on the farm. Yeah, I need you to check up on him. I will do that post-dance. In the other plane. Yep.

I really wish y'all had left Hoofer behind in that room and just had the door close behind you and then hear the fire kick on in the refusery. So close. I was so close to having it happen. Technically, that was the end result. We just didn't know. As you're looking around trying to figure that out, everyone roll me a dexterity saving throw. Six.

Eighteen. Eleven. I rolled a ten. The whole ground starts shaking. Mateed, you're able to keep your feet, but everyone else, you know, falls down onto their knees onto the ground. As the whole building itself seems to experience a violent tremor shaking the entire VAMS fire. The ceiling above you begins cracking and debris starts falling, heading straight for all of you. Heading straight for all of you.

I never want to be arrested, but if I were to be arrested, I do want to get locked into a completely silver cage with no door. Because it's just like, that's a bad dude. So like, I don't know what your dad did, but he's a bad dude. It's almost like a Hannibal Lecter thing with the straight jacket and the mask on. Hello, Helga. Don't talk about my father that way. He doesn't eat people! He's a bad dude, he's a cool guy! Look at this cool prison!

Actually, maybe he does eat people I was gonna say, what? That's exactly probably what he does Alright, everyone go ahead and roll me dexterity saving throws Avoid all the debris falling, raining down on you What? Debris 16. 11. 19

Debris. 16. 11. 19. Debris. I just woke up. Where did the debris come from? I thought we were just talking to the ceiling. I thought we were just talking to our dad. Yeah, they said at the end the rocks were falling. Everything started to shake. I already got hit.

I already got hit in the head. What was your next turn? It was 22. I give plus two to whoever had the two least, but I think it was... Can you give it to yourself? I don't think I can. I'm not seeing the teeth. Oh, you did it.

Because I rolled a real dice. He's got the silencer equipped this week. Oh, wait, not 19, 26. Oh, that's when you roll a real die. You have to do your modifiers on your own. All right. So everyone does pretty good except for Barney. Maybe like Barney has a pause.

He has a delayed reaction compared to everybody else. As huge chunks of the ceiling and the building start falling down. Everyone's able to dive out of the way. Save. Well, except I shouldn't say save. Except for Barney Farney. Whoa. Who gets knocked in the noggin by a particularly large chunk of stone

and takes seven points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, I remember everything. Count Von Brass says, Hurry, we don't have much time. What's happening, Father? I'm not entirely certain. Something seems to be affecting the integrity of the vamp spire. Ah, Plague Tectonics, I'm very aware of the vamp spire. Ah, plate tectonics.

I'm very aware of these. You see, gang, underneath the Earth's crust, underneath the crust of the planet, there are these large plates, okay? And then they start to move around, and they separate, and then they run into each other. That's how you get mountains. You know what, Chip?

That's how you get oceans. Chip does have a little bit of, like, Bill Nye energy. I'll say that. Yeah. Oh, that'd be a good Bill Nye host They called plate hecatonics Is stuff only collapsing Here in this room?

Or does it seem to be like the whole building? I mean you really can't tell since you're just in this room But it seems like the shaking Was rather larger than the room I can say that Did we figure out at the end of the last episode how to get to the belfry? Yeah I believe Count Von Brass brass just told he was in the northern portion of the fang you know glurb was built on a giant snail is there any indicator that something is similar here at the vamp spire well you all saw it from vania you know when you approach vania you climbed

up a mountain and then you know you were in. You could see the Vam spy was surrounded by that mode of blood. And, you know, nothing necessarily stood out that it was on a different surface than the rest of the town. So it was built like all around like Blackstone. So was that what it is? Bloodstone? Yes. Ignis.

Ignis. And then there's that big well that led down to someplace. And also like. That's where we did the like ritual. The thing we had to do to get into Vania. Well and also the

bad guys they got that big old rock monster you might be able to manipulate rock. The gems? The gems. Barney's gonna follow the gang but he's gonna start casting Lamont's tiny hut as a ritual He's gonna start cooking it up It takes, it takes, I just looked it up. It takes a minute.

We just hear him going, tiny hut. It takes, I think, 10 minutes. 10 minutes, I think. As a ritual, so it doesn't take a spell slot. Oh, got it. But if we can, you know, if it's collapsing, we could use it as a cover. Yeah.

Okay, so Gustavo. That's me. When we entered the first triangular room, the one that had the opening on the southeast that went to the sepulcher. Nice pronunciation. Yeah, I learned from the best. Your brother? I mean, I guess through you, yes.

You're admitting that your brother's the best? At saying sepulcher, yeah. The best rising star. What else? You know, reaching high high there are things in me probably playing all instruments okay that's not uh yeah well so what did you what's okay so when we came into this other triangular room that led us to like the bathtub room the blood bathroom the chapel and all that that was to the southwest of that first

triangle you all entered one big triangle room you entered like from the the base at the south yeah to the right if you come in from there to the right in the southeast corner that triangle is where the sepulcher was to the north of there was like a triangle set within the triangle and that was the capillary okay and. And then to the southwest corner, that's where the sylvern is. And we're in the sylvern right now. Correct. And so he was saying go north,

but north would be, unless there's a way to go north from the sylvern, we'd have to go back and go north towards where the capillary was. Correct. North past the capillary. So there's a way to get past the capillary. It's a triangle within a triangle.

Okay. Gotcha. It's all the way down. It's like the Triforce, except not an upside- to get past the capillary. It's a triangle within a triangle. Okay, gotcha. It's like the Triforce, except not an upside-down triangle in the middle. Like, if they were both facing the same way. It's the Dollar Tree Triforce. It's the T-R-Y Force. Father, if we leave you here while this building is collapsing,

are you going to be okay, or should we try to drag you with us? It appears to be stable for now. Quick, put him in the bum bag. If nothing else, perhaps my confinement in this prison will protect me. Can Chip slap his hand against the silver and say, Oh, yeah, that's good craftsmanship right there. Hey, Elga, this thing's not going anywhere. He just rattles in his ears.

Okay, Father, we will be back for you, I promise. And I'll be here to speak for you to make sure that you do not get prosecuted. I wish for nothing more. Okay, although if you did do something bad, you'd tell promise, and I'll be here to speak for you to make sure that you do not get prosecuted. I wish for nothing more. Okay, although if you did do something bad, you'd tell me, right? I'm being punished for allowing you to leave the Vamp Spire. Oh my goodness. Okay, well that makes it complicated. Did we ask why?

You're not really, because they're not supposed to leave. We said it in the oath at the top. Right, but did we ask why he was so adamant that you were able to go to the... He had mentioned that Elga's mother had also left and wandered around, so he felt that maybe it would be a good thing for Elga to see the world as well, like her mother. And go to that peace parade on his behalf. When Kermit left the swamp in the Muppet movie to see the world and meet friends, and he had to fight a guy who wanted to use him to sell frog legs.

And it's because I didn't get Dracula's permission either, right? That's why. Correct. And according to Count Von Broth, Dracula's been a little weird about the rules lately. What's your last name? Von Broth. Okay. He keeps saying Van Broth.

No, I said Von Broth. And according to Count Von Broth. Okay. Maybe not. Maybe I'm hearing it. Am I okay? Van Broth is the Van Halen Campbell Soup collaboration that they did back in the 80s.

It's always so funny when you make up something. Like, I made up Von Brath as the last name because I thought it sounded cool. Yeah. And it's just like, people are like,

what does it mean? I'm like, oh, it's just like letters I put together. Okay. Perhaps we should head towards the north of, head towards the capillary and get to the belfry. Oh, and actually, I want to stick my hand in one more time

and say, do you need a snack, Mr. Von Rapp? Do you need a little snacky? He can't get away from you. You're really just getting on him. No, no, I'm good. Thank you. You sure? Yes, I'm sure.

Okay, and then I give him a thumbs up while my hand's still in the cage. I will say, chip does taste pretty good I do taste pretty good, I worked out I got clean eating over here, Mr. Vanbroth I've had a little sipper too Go on, take a nibble, come on Fine, okay

I do If you insist You're gonna become his battler right now He takes a nibble of... He takes a chip of chip. A dip of chip. How much damage? Well, I'll roll that.

You just want to take down... Are you going to heckish rebuke him? No. Three points of damage. Ow! Don't even think about it. No, I'm just kidding. Just pings.

I have a question. While he's doing that, you mentioned some silver chains. Are those attached to something? Can I take them? I thought you all took all of that stuff last episode. I didn't mention the chain specifically, but if there are chains, yeah. I'm going to double check, but I believe that they may be fixed to the ground as a means to restrain.

Barney, are you going gonna be a little hell rider? You gonna be a little Kratos? A little heck rider. He starts banging the floor and a vampire comes in and he rides him. So the links of chain, they're not attached to the floor. Rather, they're attached to the surface of the table.

Oh, take the whole thing table. Can I just like hit him out or something really quickly like with my just like smash smash the table how would you want to do that to describe this sent me the paint me a picture chris yes i will take my walker which is very heavy metal and i'll lift it up and just smash the table oh so you're gonna break the okay i see that's smart break the table to free the chain. Yeah, sure. Why not? Yeah, you smash the wooden table. The service here is terrible!

Thereby freeing the chain so you can take it. Are there keys for it anywhere? Like nearby? Make me an investigation check. Is it like handcuffs on chains or just chains? Just chains. Okay. Is there someone named Allison? I want to use inspiration! Okay. You don't find it, but you get a divine

calling that encourages you to look again. Alright, that was better. 17. You don't find it, but you get a divine calling that encourages you to look again. All right. That was better. 17. You do not find a key for these chains. Because they're not necessarily like they have a lock. Well, I guess they would. Yeah, they do have a lock.

Otherwise, I made you do that for nothing. Yeah. No, you're not able to find a key. I think Gus made him do that for nothing. I'm going to help out Barney I'm gonna help out Barney So that it doesn't look like you know This table was smashed by him

I put like one of the rocks that fell from the ceiling I put it like on the table As if like the avalanche Is what destroyed the table And took the chains away Yeah I don't know we're just covering Barney's tracks. Also, we're totally breaking the first rule about Vampire Fight Club, which is you don't bring silver

into the Vampire Fight Club. Yeah, there's a rule specifically about it. Yeah, I think it was the rule about not turning my family to slaves. God, I'm Barney! I don't know if that was ever a rule. It's kind of what we do here. Oh, wee! How quickly Elka's reacting to the surroundings.

Sometimes you need to stick with family, okay? All right. Exactly. I'm just kidding. Mateen, we got a boogie. Where are we going next? You seem to be the maps person. We're going north.

So we head towards the, past the capillary towards the belfry. To the north. The north? The north's gone. That's where Mateen's been. You exit the sylvern and take a left making your way to the north and like count von brath suggested you do or van broth or you're breaking my brain and uh you just say vb and you uh come upon a another door in the northern portion of the fang pic.

Okay. Is it got a doorknob? Yeah. Does it have a lock? No. Does it have a knocker? Yes. Does it have traps?

It has a knocker? Yeah. I knock. Okay. The knocker appears to be like a bat that's carrying an animal, a goat. And the knocker part is the goat. So you lift the goat. That's fun.

I love it. And bang it up against the door. How many times do you let it knock? Like three loud knocks? Give us a taste of that knock. 33 times. 33 knocks. Micah, add the 33 knocks.

We will insert silence here. We don't need to do silence. We can talk over and just, hey, you really like that knocker, don't you there, Mateen? It can also be like... There is no response. Okay, I've been very thoroughly checking if someone is on the other side of this door. Try 34. Oh, I do 34 more times. This is an additional 34 knocks for a total of 67 knocks.

It's weird, the scene went missing during the edit. As you let out the 33rd and 34th knock, three Sferatu come walking out from the south, from the capillary area. Oh, that's up from the door? Yeah. The sky is falling! What is going on?! What are you doing? This level is off limits. I know, we're trying to get away from this level! Oh, the ceiling's falling.

Yeah! Oh, I thought you said this guy- the sky- Yeah, I heard this guy. I heard this guy. This guy. I will put more space in between my words. Just need a hard K, not a soft G. Yes, we agree. You should leave immediately.

Take the exit to the south. Then they point back where you came from. No, we took this exit. What? We're going to go this way. How many of them are there? Three. Oh.

Are these by any chance the ones who are playing hide and seek? Let me make a roll. Let's see. I forgot about that. I'm just telling them, like, I haven't started counting yet. You found me. All right. Go again.

You allied and you go. These were not the ones who were playing hide and seek with. Would you guys be interested in playing hide and go seek? Sync. Sync? How are you familiar with hide and seek? I am the guest of Elga and we love it It's one of my favorite vampiric traditions. Are you are you dressed up like yours are you wearing? I'm just like a sferatu. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's right Yes, of course, I know what's hide-and-sink is let's see make me a deception check

He's falling right into my trap. He's real good. I hope I do. Oh wait. I thought I had takes advantage on deception Whose trap is this? You sounded like gentlemen troll when you did That is a 13. Oh my God. I rolled a one. I rolled a one. Deceiving.

I know a trap. We've somehow managed to deceive these Sfratu at every turn. I hate it. It's so good. They're not the brightest group of guards. Well, meant to be. So you are on patrol and playing hide and seek? No.

No, we are proposing hide and seek. It's because me, Elga Von Brath, has requested it of them. Yes. Yes, Mrs. Von Brath. Yes, yes. When did that happen? Yes, madam. Madam.

Lady. Well, she just found us. Now we're going to play another game. They're talking about her marriage status. I'm not married. Oh, sorry. I misunderstood. I'm not a child.

When you said, when did that happen? I thought you were like, when did you start playing hide and go seek? No, no. He called her Mrs. Von Brath. All right. We are all going to go hide while Miss Elga counts. Are you ready? The three of them have a quick aside.

One. And they start running. Two. All right. Open the door. Alright, open the door. Thank you guys so much. Yeah, you love us. They'll never find us in here. You open the door and

you see an expansive, ornate suite decorated with ornamental wooden floor, handcrafted furniture, and decadent decor. But it appears like it's all in utter disarray. That was sweet. Yeah. Does this appear to be Dracula's, like, room? Potentially.

It's very fancy. It's a very fancy suite. It's a fancy room, and everything is in disarray. Chip walks in carefully and says, Hello! We knocked 67 times! Hello! Make me a dexterity saving throw, Chip. With pleasure. He fell right into my trap. Who fell into whose trap?

That's a 12, but I have things that I can do. Things you wouldn't even believe. Attack ships. I've seen attack ships. Shoulder of Orion. Do I pass that? Mr. Kastanis. Are you allowed to know?

He's got lucky. We'll know. I have the Sneakers of the Lost Souls, and I have this thing. These shoes have three charges. Regain 1d3 expended charge of daily dawn. When you fail a dexterity saving throw. You failed. While wearing it, you can use your reaction to expend one of its charges

to succeed on that saving throw instead. So I just flat out. Yeah, you begin walking into the room and your foot, your sneakers, right? Yes. Your sneakers begin coming down on something and you stop at the last second as you begin. You

just ever so slightly begin crunching on some broken glass. Oh. And you stop at the last second. You realize you would have crushed the glass if you had continued stepping that way. You were almost walking on walking on broken glass. Is this one of those lost songs

that I've never heard before? You've never heard? You've heard it. Who's this by? Did I just make a music reference that he didn't know? Walking on broken glass. Yeah. Where is this from? It's like an 80s music. Yeah. Who's the artist? Annie Lennox

He said it Oh I love Annie Lennox Apparently not Wait like Soft Cell From the Eurythmics Eurythmics Why does he say Soft Cell?

Let's just move on Wow there's glass Hey guys Okay yeah So yeah you see that There's a broken glass In the doorway Oh yeah

Come on everybody Break Glass It's a great song. I'm just going to write in my diary that I made a reference. I didn't know. Could I use, so I have climbing. Could I use that to kind of climb onto the wall so I'm not walking on the ground?

Not walking on broken glass? Not walking on broken glass. Just to kind of get over that area? Yeah, of course. You're just like Avena. Look at you go. Which one is it? Is the room dark?

Okay. Very good distinction. Which one is it? It's the room. I'm blonde. Okay. Very nice distinction. Is the room dark? Is that why Chip didn't see glass? Well, it's just hard to see if you're not looking. Like, the room itself distracts you, right? Like, people don't walk around normally looking at the ground directly in front of them. I do.

It's called anxiety, Gus. Have you heard it? Okay. It's called anxiety guts Have you heard it? Okay so yeah Mateed would then also float into the room Because I can float And could I You said everything disarray but did you give any specifics? I didn't I was waiting for y'all to walk into the room

I've climbed into the room So you know amongst the Disordered furnishings you see Velvet seating, a pool of blood, a disheveled desk, a dusty piano, a damaged painting, a roaring fireplace, and an iron vein rack. You kind of like cycle through a lot of things,

but one of those things is a little bit more important than the other things. Like the pool of blood? Oh yeah, the roaring fireplace. Look into our living room. There's a couch. They gotta be careful. They could start a fire. A volunteer fire person like Chip could be very concerned. Can I go look at the painting?

Yeah. Can I go look at the pool of blood? You can do what you want to do. Well, one will tell you something. One probably won't. You walk up to the painting. So from when you walk in, you know,

directly across on the north side of the room is where the fireplace is. And then the painting is just to the left of that or to the west. And you see it's a marred portrait of three people standing side by side.

All three are wearing red suits of armor. The person on the left is a man with a rugged frame, weathered face, but a kind smile. The next has piercing red eyes and well-groomed dark hair, which clearly portrays Count Dracula. And the third person's face has been clawed to shreds. Could I see of what color hair that third person has? Make an investigation check. With advantage?

They're all in red armor? Yes. That's kind of cool. Like Praetorian guards from Star Wars. While she's doing that, could Barney try and mend the shredded painting? Yeah, let me deal with her and then we'll get to that. If you have advantage, if you roll the same thing twice, that doesn't matter. No, that's it. So that's a 12.

You get to actually combine the two numbers and you get about 24. 12. But if you do it three times in a row, you doesn't matter. No, that's it. So that's a 12. Oh, you get to actually combine the two numbers and you get about 24. 12. But if you do it three times in a row, you go to jail. Yeah. Straight to jail. You know, you look, you're not able to really determine that. However, you do notice something in your investigation, Elka.

When you're looking at the painting, beyond the foreground of the painting, you see that in the background there's mountains. But as you look closer, you realize that they're not mountains. They're dragons, or rather dragon carcasses lying lifeless in the background of the painting. Oh. Whoa. So this painting clearly depicts Dracula with two other men.

One with a kind smile. Two other people. Oh, people. In armor. Okay, so it's not clearly. Yeah, three people because they're, yeah, you can't really tell. When you were describing it, I showed John what a kind smile looks like because I believe he has never seen one in his life.

So I demonstrated a kind smile. You've met my mom. That's right, she has the kindest smile. So the person on the left is definitely a man. You said rugged, kind smile. And then there's Count Drackley and the third person you're not sure about. What if Elga crosses her eyes

and kind of gets her nose really close to the painting and then starts pulling back? I never saw those. I didn't either. I felt like it was a trick on me. I learned how to do it like last week. I'm not even kidding. Yeah. I never got to it. How did mending go though? I got headaches trying to get those things to work.

So Barney, you cast mending on it. And much to your surprise, the painting does mend. It all comes back together. And you get a very clear look at the third person. Who is it? He's wearing a helmet. Oh my God.

That's good. But is it more clear if it's a man or a woman or like? It's possibly a man, but yeah, still not very clear. Is he wearing a name tag? No, no name tag. I had to ask. I had to ask. This isn't a Walmart.

So you said red suits of armor. Yes. Speaking of which, there is a red suit of armor in here, in this room. I should go look at it. I want to go put it on. Do you want to go look at it? Yeah. When you first walk in, now that you're in the room and you turn back to the entrance

you walked in from, you see that the entrance itself, you know, there's a long woolen rug that comes out from it. And right by the door where you came in from, that doorway is flanked by a cracked alabaster sculpture and a fallen suit of red armor. That's the two sides of the door? Yeah. Does it look like the armor went on the figure? You said there was a statue?

Oh, right. There's an alabaster sculpture and a red suit of armor. It doesn't look like they're necessarily related. It doesn't seem like the armor necessarily went on the statue. What's the sculpture of? What's that sculpture? Elgar, you ask first. Make me an investigation check. With advantage. I'm looking so close. 13. It just seems to be a

generic sculpture of a person. You're not sure if it's a specific person. If it is, you're not sure who it is. I don't recognize it. Can I also investigate? Yeah, of course. Yeah. Can Barney look and see if the armor and see if there's any sort of like, notice anything magical about it? He wears armor, so I feel like he... I got a 21 on that investigation, by the way.

Yeah, it just seems no one you would know specifically, Chip. And what does that mean? Just so I'm clear, what does that mean, Chris? Well, I guess he's trying to determine, is this like just basic red armor or is there any sort of magical abilities potentially to it?

But I mean, like, how would you do that? Like are you just looking at it? I mean, is it something he could put on? You should try putting it on, yeah. So you take your armor off and then put this armor on? Yeah, I don't know. I mean, I don't know how long that takes. It'll take a couple of minutes.

I was just reading a Batman Superman comic where Lex Luthor said that he could smell magic. So can we smell it? Can Barney smell magic? How about now? Or smell anything? Like maybe if it's like a familiar scent. So Barney's like a dog sniffing at it? Yeah, I mean, it'll take a little while to take your armor off and put it on,

but you can definitely try that. Hey, Barney, while you're naked, I do want to warn you, this is Dracula's armor. It might carry some weird sort of weight to it. We don't know if it's Dracula's armor necessarily. That's true, but it could have some sort of curse, you know? Just be careful because, like, Carol died because of that belt that attached to her.

We don't know what's going on, so let's, like, really thoroughly look this thing over before you put it on there. Can I, yeah, maybe do an arcana, like, check on it to see if there's, like, notice anything or feel any sort of energy yeah make a an arcana check that's a 10 it's hard to tell there is a lot of magic everywhere you know in general around the vamp spire there's a lot of uh unexplained things so it's it's hard to tell

if this is emanating magic directly itself or if it's part of the something else that's strong in the area the gear armor that you normally wear is heavy armor right uh yeah uh it is hmm so and the reason i'm asking is specifically in the the player's handbook thank you ben ben sent me the the section putting on heavy armor takes about 10 minutes just fyi whoa that's if you take the time to fully do it and then to take it off it takes about about five minutes. So it would take five minutes to take it off and then 10 minutes to put the next one on. Can we just maybe look at the armor and see, like, could I look at the helmet and see if there's like any hair stuck in it? Like, you know how like if you put something on your head and you take it off, it might. Yeah. CSI Vampire.

Did his mom maybe write his name in the tag? Make an investigation check, Elka. 15. You know, you take a look through the helmet and really analyze it. And there are some dark hairs inside of it. Dark hairs. Okay. From a metagame perspective, put Chris out of his misery.

Because I see an opportunity for an armor upgrade. Is this something that could even fit Barney? Is this something that we have the potential to acquire? It's human size. Sure. I think it'd be kind of cool if you were to write armor. If this is Dracula's armor and we find Dracula and Barney Hicklering is the armor, I'm not explaining that to him.

He's a cosplayer. And I also will be helpful while going around the vampire. Oh, yeah. Everybody's like, oh, it's Dracula. And then you go, I am Dracula. I'm Barney Farty. Dracula Barney Farty. I mean, can I start by just putting on's Dracula. Then you go, I am Dracula. I'm Barney Farney. Dracula, Barney Farney. I mean, can I start by just putting on the helmet?

See if I feel how that goes. Why does Dracula sound like Miss Piggy? So you don't normally wear a helmet, right? So you don't have to take anything off. It's just a matter of putting it on. Popping it on. Yeah. You pick up the helmet and put it on your head.

Make me a dexterity check, Barney. The faceplate comes clanging down. Does it bump your nose? It's a nine. The helmet wrestles itself and fights against you, trying to put it on to your head, and then flies out of your hand back to the suit of armor. That's magical.

More than magic armors. Okay, so I'm not supposed to put this on. Possibly not. But you said these things are knocked over by a door? Is that what you had mentioned? They didn't get knocked over by the door. It's knocked over next to the door. Next to the door. Next door we came in. Gotcha. Can I do a cool handshake with the armor?

Make a dexterity. I'll let you choose. Make a performance check. For cool handshake. It's the first ever in D&D, I think. 18. Nice. You tried to do a cool... Do you want to describe your cool handshake? Yeah, come in. Come in wide.

Grab it at the hand. Pull it in. Then I pull it out and then I do like that clap on your palms and then we fist bump and then we go kapoo! Explosion. La la la la. The hand follows in perfect

sync with you and then pulls away. This armor's cool. Do you know, are there any like windows or anything like that where you could see outside in this room? No windows. No windows this entire building. I'm just wondering if like, we know, cause this is supposed to be at the very tippy top, right? That we're supposed to be going to. That's the direction your dad said. But like, can we tell,

I don't know how we would tell if we're like at the top. Does anybody have a, what do they call those things the elevation an altimeter altometer altometer that's the one altimeter whatever he says he's a pilot yeah i was gonna say altimeter where's the blood pool you as far as you know yes for a couple of reasons you all did not see a way to go any higher and you've been as far as you know everywhere up here now and oh who went out elga you went out as a bat earlier you know that at the very top of the vamp spire there were chimneys and ways for the bats to come in and out of the vamp spire as well as bells at the top of the vamp spire so you assume you must be near the top, if not at the very top. Okay, so there's my... And our ears popped. There's my day at Dracula's room after all. And there's...

What? Can we keep looking around? Pool of blood. There's pool of blood. Yeah, yeah. What's near the pool of blood? When you come in, the pool of blood is off to your left, kind of in the southwest corner of the room.

And you see an extensive pool of blood cascading between two wooden partitions. Oh, like an actual pool. Like, not just like blood on the ground, like a pool of blood cascading between two wooden partitions. Oh, like an actual pool. Like not just like blood on the ground like a pool of blood. Once past the partitions, there appears to be a golden tub that's overturned. Presumably the source of the vast pool of blood. And next to the tub is a cracked full

length mirror splattered with blood. So no one skinned their knee. This is a fountain of feature. This is a bathtub? Yes. That had blood and the blood has spilled over skinned their knee. This is a fountain of feature. This is a bathtub that had blood and the blood has spilled over because somebody overturned. And then there's a mirror that was cracked and has a splatter

of blood. The blood, how congealed and coagulated is it? Make an investigation check. Those are cool words. I assume Barney's asking this leading, trying to figure out how long it's been here yeah 8 so it still seems to be fairly fresh

not super congealed can I just do something I got a little you know I hate it is it a hemo goblin can I check if this is a hemo goblin make me an investigation check too you're specifically checking for hemo goblin yes and while he's doing that could I go over to the mirror?

Yeah. Nine. It's not a hemogoblin. It's not a hemogoblin. Well, he only rolled a nine, so it could be. I know for a fact this is not the hemogoblin. Okay, let's see. Could I go look at the mirror?

Yeah. Could I see? What kind of splatter is it? Does it look like someone bumped into it? Or like... Maybe a bloody nose snot rocket. Or like a handprint kind of thing. I want to go full Dexter on it.

Yeah. Yeah, you walk up and... Analyzing the splatter. Make me an investigation check as well. That is a 17. It's cracked and spidered all over the place. Almost like it fell and then was, you know, put upright again. Oh.

Are there footprints anywhere? Like bloody footprints? Make put upright again. Oh. Are there footprints anywhere? Like bloody footprints? Make an investigation check. There must have been something very chaotic going on in here. I mean, there was an earthquake. Oh, that's true. But someone picked the mirror back up, though. Yeah.

So someone must have been in here recently. You all should leave the investigation to Elga, apparently. Yeah. That's why I haven't done one. That's why I haven't done an investigation the entire time we've been in this room. I mean, you have a plus one. I have a plus zero, but I do have advantage. You have advantage. Yeah.

My little glasses. Yeah, you don't notice any footprints. So while you're looking at, I'm going to step back to Elgo for a second. Okay. While you're looking at the mirror, you know, trying to figure out what happened here, you know, your eyes go back to the blood splatter and you see that the blood

splatters actually has numbers written in it. What? The number's 930. 930. Does that mean anything to Elga? Make me a wisdom check. 18. Oh, sorry, 19.

You remember, Elga, your mother set those numbers. Did she? She asked for Quiffly to bring the 930. Oh, so's a wine. Oh. Hmm. What? They were offering us the party wines, and we were like, oh, it's a red.

It's a Merlot. And you were like, oh, that's all. Yeah, I'm saying, what? Why is the wine number on this broken mirror? Oh, because, you know, when you're in the wine business, you date it. So it's like, I want the 930. No, I'm asking why It's written in blood. Why is it written in blood on this mirror?

Because maybe the blood that's on the ground is the wine, and someone's like, rest in peace, the 930. When someone asks a question, you can just say, I don't know, John. No, he refuses. Zip! And then he probably thought about just lying to me. I also find the con of strange I kind of find it kind of strange that Dracula

Had a mirror right next to his bathtub That is a little strange isn't it That's a weird placement I guess he likes to watch himself Take a bath I can't remember Does Oh we have a reflection

Yes Yeah I think so I think't remember. Do we have a reflection? Yes. Yeah, I think so. I think so. Yeah, I think we established that. So it's 930 written in blood, like on the mirror. Yes. Like.

Yeah. And it's like, does it look like it's like someone did it with their finger or like, how does it look like it's written? Yeah. So you look at it again to try to figure out how it's written on here. And yeah, it looks like someone traced it out. Potentially. It could be traced out with a finger.

Oh, really quick. I close the door. Oh, okay. Screw you, Sferatus. Make me a dexterity saving throw. Oh, the glass. Eat my butt. I'm floating.

Wouldn't they know it's there already, though? But they didn't say. Okay, yeah. You're floating over there, and then you remember at the last second about the glass and float over it and close the door. Yeah, I'm floating this entire time. Can we, can I vibe with the mirror and see if there's anything magic about it?

I want to talk to it. Like, it could be a magic mirror. Let's talk to it, then. Mirror, mirror on the floor. Who's up? Who just went and closed that door? If it says Mateed, then we know it's magic. Mateed. No, no, no, no, no.

You get no response. That was the most primordial scream ever from Barney. You almost made his day, Gus. Oh, no. I made my day, though. Can Barney check out the fireplace? Yeah, why not?

Can Mateed ponder kicking Barney into the fireplace? No. Just ponder. There's nothing wrong with pondering. We aren't our thoughts. We are our actions. Thoughts sometimes can be kept in your head. But in an audio podcast, I got to let people know that Mateed's thinking about-

Whenever Mateed is thinking, just have an echo-y sound effect. Oh, yeah. I wonder if I should get Barney. So everyone's looking at the mirror and, you know, like a typical old man, Barney's cold. So he begins walking over to the fireplace to warm up a little bit. It's a white marble fireplace that's blazing with scarlet fire. I'm not getting colder as I get older, but that just might be because I live in Austin, Texas.

You're also not old enough yet. Scarlet, does it, I mean, I think it fires typically is more like orange and yellow. Is it like- Yeah, there is sometimes red in fire, but this one definitely is redder than normal. And is there a lot of heat coming from it? Like- Yeah, a good amount of heat. Feels nice on your old bones. Does this look like a normal lot of heat coming from it? Like... Yeah, a good amount of heat. Feels nice on your old

bones. Does this look like a normal fireplace to you, Bart? No. This is not a normal fire. It's gotta be a portal, right? Jump in. You're fire resistant. I am fire resistant. Yeah, try sticking your... Just full sand flying squirrel it. I dare you. He won't do

it. He's a coward. I dare you. Oh, you guys, I'm gonna do it now. Is it burning a wood? It's so easy. I can see his face. I dare you. He won't do it. He's a coward. Oh, you guys, I'm gonna do it now. Is it burning on wood? It's so easy. That's stupid. Do it. Do it. I'll pay you an emo piece. I'm gonna go join Barney to help him investigate this fire thing.

Is it burning on wood? Yeah, there's wood in the fireplace. Can I dip my tail into the fire? That's your temp check of everything. Yeah. That's my tail. I don't need it. Are you asking them or are you asking me?

I was asking you. I don't need that for my shit. You can totally put your... See, I'm going to talk to my teeth. Your tail in there. Oh, yeah. You dip your tail into the fire. I mean, there's no saving throw for that.

You're putting yourself right in it. The intense heat does burn you. However, you are fire resistant, so you take three points of fire damage. So I take one point of fire damage. No, no, no. You take three. I rolled a seven, so you take three. I have a thaumaturgy, and I can cause flames to flicker, brighten, dim, or change color.

Can I try and dim the flames and see? Because I imagine if they're like normal fire, I would be able to do it. If it's magical, I may not. Doesn't thaumaturgy also work on magical fire? I don't know. I assume it does. It's just any fire.

Barney's setting the mood lighting. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, you can try it. You want to do that? Yeah. Yeah, you caused the flames to dim significantly, Barney. Make me a perception check, Barney. Dracula's in the fire.

12. You know, as you're staring at it, you're watching it diminish and get smaller. You swear you can see, like, the fire almost go out. Like, it really flickers as if it's hit by, like, an intense gust of air, and then it, you know, it regains itself. Gust of air from what direction? Maybe from the west?

Oh. Could I, uh... Grab the little girl that has special investigative abilities for things up close. Hold my eyes up to it. Yeah, just guides her face. There's something, maybe an opening to the west. Can I take a look?

Yeah, just to the west of the fireplace is that painting you were investigating earlier, Elga. Oh, opens a painting. Okay, yeah, let's try looking around, see if it, like, comes off at all, opens. Oh, like pulling at it? Yeah, or, like, any check around. Like a secret door? looking around see if it like comes off at all opens oh like like pulling at it yeah or like any check around the secret door yeah make me a perception check both elga and barney since you're right there looking at it they found a gust of wind 24 8 i know it's a bad joke when gust goes hey um it's true so barney as you're, looking both Barney and Elga, you're pulling at it, trying to

like shove the, the painting around. It doesn't, it doesn't seem to budge at all. However, Barney, you notice a little corner of the canvas rippling in the air, like as if it's being hit by wind. And as you're looking at it, a sheet of paper floats by. Can I kick the painting? Let Barney finish. Wait, so, so the painting, the painting itself is rippling,

and then a sheet of paper, like... Yeah, floated by on the wind. Yeah, you pick it up, and it's a piece of sheet music. Okay. Maybe you play piano? No, you play piano. Here you go. What's on the music? Is it labeled?

Yeah, does it have, like, a title? Yeah, it's titled Sonata of Sacred Lips by Bram S. Van Helsing. Oh, Van Helsing. That was the guy that was trying to, they like let us pass because they said it was Van Helsing earlier. That's you, wink wink. Wink wink, wink wink. Oh yeah, you wrote this. Blink, blink.

Is there an organ or a musical instrument around? Yeah, it's a dirty piano. Yeah, it's a dusty piano. Can I play it? Yeah. You walk over to it. The dusty piano is just a little to the west from the painting. So it's in the center on the north wall is the fireplace.

To the west of that's the painting and to the west of that's the piano. And so it's a dusty piano and all of its keys are painted black. I play the sheet music. Yeah, make me a investigation check. A sonata of sacred lips? Yes. Knowing that Blaine doesn't actually read sheet music, I would love to have Blaine hand a sheet music

and then just have him take just a wild guess. And go. 20 at what it is. I could sing it. I used to be in choir. Oh, did you do sight reading? Yeah. You want to try that again with more confidence?

Yeah. Okay, there you go. 20. You sure did. Dirty 20, as Barbara would say. Third. Yeah, you're looking. 20. You sure did. Dirty 20, this is what Barbara would say. Third. Yeah, you're looking at the piano and at the sheet music, and you notice some of the keys aren't dusty like the rest of it.

And what's more, they're wet, but not with blood. Tears. The liquid is transparent and salty to the taste. It is. Ew. Why did I test the taste? Gus, is this someone with some sweaty palms like you and me? It could be.

Sweaty high five. Yeah. Just eroding the keys. Because I know sheet music, Chepainy. Does the keys that are still kind of like wet correlate to the sheet music at all? Yeah, the keys that are wet and not dusty are the E, G sharp, A, and B flat. Of course, my favorites. I think you did say a chord.

What chord did you say? B. B minor, that's what you said, B minor. You said A and B flat? That is B flat, right? Did I say that right? Okay, yeah. Sorry, I'm not a music person either.

While Chip's looking at the piano, could Barney light a candle and then try and follow the wind to find the source of it? Yeah, do you have a candle? Yeah. Okay, yeah. And we have fire. And when I light it with that fire, is it still red like that or is it normal colored?

It appears to be normal colored like the candle. What was the sheet music? I slacked Blaine the sheet music if he wants to perform it for us. Here it comes. Yes. Sonata of Sacred Lips performed by Chip Haney. Okay. Choir time for Blaine.

Ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting, ting. I see. A one, a two, a one, two, three. You didn't send the sheet music. You just sent the notes. I sent the notes. A, A, B, A, G, E, B, A, A, G. Wait, wait, I can do this.

Here, I'll help you out. Ready? Oh, do you have a piano on your phone? Yeah, I do. Oh, ooh la la. Great. Yeah. Everything's coming together.

I'm going to give you the first key. Okay. And then you'll go from that, okay? Yeah. Okay. Maybe if you do this, something will open. I think so. While you're setting that up, Barney, you Okay. Maybe if you do this, something will open. I think so. While you're setting that up, Barney, you do light the candle and follow it,

and it appears to be coming from the painting itself, from the corner of the painting. The painting is blowing air. Yeah. It seems to be emanating from the painting somehow. Here's your starting pitch. All right. Give me the piano.

It has all the keys on it. Yeah. Ready? Boo the keys on it. Yeah, ready? Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo! Boo!

Inspiration Dive Yes Micah I can't wait to hear what song that will be I'm the biggest fan of Blaine Gibson Let it be known What was it again actually? Show it to John Let him play it

Nope wrong one. That sounded cool. Wait, I'm doing it wrong. I'm not used to playing on like this little tiny thing right here. Phone keyboard. And then it's... And with that, you hear a loud gong and a large bell resonates to the north and shakes the room. The portrait on the northern wall slides behind the fireplace, revealing a secret chamber.

Yeah! Is that where the wind was? Get out of here! The man's fire explodes. Every single Tarantino shows up at the same time. Two chopsticks! Every single Tarantino shows up at the same time. Two chopsticks.

Barney had a little goat. It was a big goat. Okay. As this painting just opens, tip whatever you did. It worked. Yay. First try. I'm going to pack away the sheet music and the bum bag. And then, I mean, does this correlate with what Barney was doing with the candle?

The candle was determined that the painting itself was blowing the wind. So then there was indeed a door behind it. Yeah. A door or a magical painting of some kind. Cool. Is there anything else in this room that we want to close it behind us? If we can, yeah. Well, maybe we should go inside first.

I go through the opening Okay, I follow Okay Matib? Barney Matib? I'm following, sorry I totally disassociated there for about a second I thought I saw

Did you see me? I was not here for about 10 seconds there I don't know where I went I think that that music that Mike has sent Was like John's active music Winter Soldier Barney will go through it Okay

And I guess what do we see on the other side? Yeah, you enter a towering torch-lit hall housing three massive bells hanging in the rafters in a triangle. At the far northern end of the room is a pale man draped in a black cloak, unmoving. Could I recognize that this is Dracula? Yeah, you do recognize this, Elga.

It appears to be Dracula. And sorry, he's hanging upside down. What? No. He never said that. He said he's a pale man draped in a cloak, unmoving. Yeah. I heard draped.

I heard like my brain went upside down. Like drapes upside down. Yeah, he's dressed. Are your drapes upside down? I don't know. How do you? That's just a stereotype of vampires. So it's upside down.

So from here, you can't see too much. He's on the other side of the room, but he's lying motionless on the ground. Could I run up to him? Yeah. You run up across the room, and you see, as you get closer, you can tell it definitely is Dracula. It's a pale man with well-groomed hair, dressed in a black cloak that glistens red on the inside, as if trickling with blood. His eyes are closed, and he's lying motionless on the ground.

One hand is holding an empty vein bottle. I think the vein thinks of me. Does it have the number 930 on it? Make me an investigation check. Maybe it's poison. Maybe it's Maybelline. Eleven. I think we have to kiss now. Yeah, it does have a very fancy label that says

930. Can I determine if he's dead? Like, dead dead? Make a medicine check? Question mark? Yeah. Because if he has no pulse, we're like, oh, thank God, he's still Dracula. Right.

Oh, no, his heart's beating. That's a 15. And here's what I could do if I don't determine anything normally. I have a piece of silver, and I could I could like press it lightly up against it. I mean, that just drains their energy. Well, wouldn't it like hurt? Yeah. Does it just drain their energy or would it like burn them?

It would hurt. However, your medicine check was sufficient. You know, Dracula is not dead, dead, re-dead. Not actual dead. Yeah. If he's on his last limb, maybe we should not do the silver. Is he laying down like face down? No, on his back.

Do we have any potions or something that would help with this? Like, were we ever given? I think I might have a healing potion. Wouldn't Dracula want blood, though? Is there any chance that Chip Haney would have, you know, because it's such a pivotal, like, core moment in his life, would have memorized the smell of that poison that was in Carol's thing. Well, I mean, Chip worked for many years as an assassin, so he would have intimate knowledge of all of this stuff.

So I would say he would definitely remember that. Check the bottle for the same poison. Okay. Oh, yeah, and you tasted it. Who are you pointing at? You're pointing at someone. Because you tried to suck it out of Carol. Oh, yeah, and you tasted it. Who are you pointing at? You're pointing at someone. Elga. Because you tried to suck it out of Carol. Oh, right.

Nice, Elga. And you had to do, like, a check. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I felt a little gross, but that was fine. All right, let's figure this out. Is this the poison? Is this Eddie? Make an investigation check for me, Chip.

Okay. We'll deal with that first, and then, if necessary, we'll deal with Elga. It's a 13. No, you do not smell any poison in this bottle. You said he has wounds of some sort? Nope. Nope. He never said that. He said he's holding the bottle. He's not upside down and he does not have wounds.

All the blood and stuff, I was like, and he's He doesn't have any blood. He doesn't have any blood. So he's wearing orange parachute pants and he's holding a trident made of jello. You know, Dracula stuff. So here's what I'm confused about amongst many things. He's holding this

bottle, it says 930, which is the bottle that Elga's mother asked Quiffly to get. And it's also written on that mirror so it's like, was... She has to get it for who? For us. Yeah. To like celebrate. Your mommy's bad. Was she bad? But also I'm curious, like who would write it on the mirror?

Dracula. Like is he trying to give us a clue? Is someone trying to say like... He might've like swigged it, known that it's poison, tried to do the little thingy there to like let someone know that's what did it and then he stumbled into his secret room.

Can I check Dracula's... This is a theory. Can I direct Dracula's fingers for blood from figure painting time? It sounded like you said directreck-chaculous fingers. I'm just very excited. Yeah, make an investigation check, why not? What's the button I have to push to see

investigation view so I can see the dollar finger prints on the ground? 22. Nice. It's a right bumper. Thank you. You see some on his hand, but it seems like it's not just on one finger, it's on all four. Like on his palm, he's got a lot on his hand Does this match any of the stuff from the piano?

Has he been crying? Or his eyes puffy? Well no it wasn't blood on the piano It was tears What would happen if perhaps you gave him some blood? I still have my sippy cup of satiation Oh there you go Before

Could Barney take his chains and wrap them around Dracula? Why? Dracula might give you cocaine. Because I don't. Is, is, is pastel Barney's not going to hurt us? Yeah, maybe if he wakes up. Are you going to like put it around his body, around his hands? Like give me, paint me a picture.

Well, put it around his body and I'd use one of those nails and and, like, bend the nail so it, like, keeps its link. Yeah, you kind of, like, put a bend into it. Yeah. Yeah, you start, you know, messing around, you know, trying to put this stuff on Dracula. And as you're doing that, he very quickly shoots up and sits up and screams, Aha! You've come for another bout, you behemoth of scales. And he lashes out at you with a weapon he has hidden. Okay.

Hitting AC 29. Yeah, that's going to hit. Yeah. He hits you with his pipe, Barney. Doing? Is he drunk? We'll address that in a second, huh? We all assumed it was poison, but he could have just drank it.

He just had it. He was having a night. He's like to self by the 9 30 16 points of piercing damage this is good 16 16 yeah 60 16 and all of you make a charisma saving throw charisma okay charisma saving throw i rolled an 11 on that i also rolled rolled an 11. I rolled... Not 11. A 7. I rolled a 13. And I might have some sort of thing that can help me. I don't...

No, I don't. I don't. Go on. He lashes out with a pike that he had on his person. He has a fish! So as he strikes at you, Barney, the pike lets out a really loud shriek of supersonic energy that hurts all of your head. It is a fish.

It's a screaming fish. And then everyone takes seven points of damage. Seven points of what damage? Supersonic damage. You stop it. Thunder damage. I had seven temp HP, which now is gone. That's addition to the...

Correct, okay. I hate you. Ah, he's drunk. Dracula? More like Druncula. All right, everybody. Inspiration die. I wait you He's drunk Kenny dodge when an attacker you can see hits you with an attack you could use the reaction to half the attacks damage It doesn't hit. It's like an area of effect. It's not Annoying I've been bailed you what, you fanged fire breather. And I shall do it again.

Drago? Oh, he's like having like flashbacks. I think you are thinking we are someone else and we are not the person who you fought before. He turns away from you. Come now, Bran. Show yourself and aid me once more. Let's send them all back into the ground. That's Van Helsing.

Bram, what did you do with Bram? Bram? Bram Van Helsing. Van Helsing. Yeah, I'll double check the sheet music. That's Bram Van Helsing was the name, right? Was it Bram Helsing or Van Helsing? Yeah, what was on the sheet music? Could you look at it, Chip?

Yes, that's what it was. Bram S. Van Helsing. Bram S. Van Helsing. Bram S. Van Helsing. He writes wonderful lullabies. Maybe they were lovers. And then he, like, turns back and faces you all, somehow a little unsteady on his feet. So he's drunk.

Why is he drunk? Do you guys get drunk? What are you doing here? We came to find you. Well, here I am. So, we've heard that you've been acting kind of weird. You're acting weird.

This is fantastic. Okay, well, I don't know how to do this. We finally found the guy we need to talk to and he has inebriated out his butt. You're inebriated out of your butt. Does anyone have anything that could like... Is there a cold shower close by?

Maybe some bread? Do you have any coffee? Oh. No. I think I stole that from my earlier intro. Where's mud when you need it? There's something in my inventory called Boutour de Mint. Wait, we're in like the room with a bunch of bells?

Yeah. Don't do it. Don't do it. I go up and kick the bells a bunch. What? What? I don't know. I'm just trying stuff. Yeah, so they're massive bells yoked high in the rafters arranged in a triangle. They appear to be crafted with bronzed

waists, blackened clappers, and red lips, and dangling from each bell are silk ropes. Maybe pulleys? Yeah. I pull bell number two, bell number one, and then bell number three. Okay. The bell tower begins resonating with the sounds of the

bells ringing. Everyone! I start yelling, sanctuary! Wait, but you said something was a lip. What does that mean in this situation? Is it a design? It's like the rim around the... Oh, like the edge. Yeah.

Is that the sacred lips? Could be this room. Oh! These are sacred lips. Wait, how many notes were on your thing? No, it was more than three notes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it opened the room to the sacred lips.

Oh, that's smart. Inspiration dice to Barbara. She already had... I just gave her one. I'll give you another one. Everyone make me a constitution save. Me? Yeah, everyone.

16. 16. Use your dice like a big boy. Oh, yeah, thank you. I just need to see my modifier. Seven. However, I have a constitution thingy that helps me be constitutive. You're also drunk.

I'm not drunk. Take it to the pottle. Maybe I don't. The pottle? I know I have something on my sheet that says constitution, but whatever. What happens? The sound is so loud, it like shakes you to your core. It makes you unable to concentrate or think for a little while.

Okay. You weren't thinking straight anyways, Matide. I like bells. Does that happen to just Matide? Yeah, everyone else rolled well enough. Dracula's covering his ears with his hands and squeezing his eyes really tight. He still seems a little unsure on his feet. Could I take my sippy cup of satiation

and stick the straw in his mouth and give him some sips? Yeah, why not? His eyes are closed and he's covering his ears, so you stick the straw from the sippy cup in his mouth. He instinctively begins drinking. And this should regain 4d4 plus 4 hit points for him. Yeah, go ahead and roll that for me. He's becoming begins drinking. And this should regain 4d4 plus 4 hit points for him. Yeah, go ahead and roll that for me.

He's becoming more powerful. So that's going to be 9 plus 4, so that will be 13 HP. Okay. Yeah, it seems to have a restorative effect. He seems a little more sure-footed, doesn't swing as much on his feet. Then his eyes open and looks at all of you all and says, Oh, I'm so sorry. Were you celebrating, Dracula?

You've been hitting the bottle a little bit there. Yeah. I've much on my mind. Plenty regrets. And he looks at you all, each of you directly in the eyes. Bonjour. My name is Mati Conficis. We are here on behalf of Monsieur Von Brath,

who is currently incarcerated in your sylveon. I am his esteemed counsel. I forgot. Barney doesn't say anything. And that's Barney. He probably won't talk to you. He's got a bit of an attitude towards vampires for many reasons. You hate to understand, it was over a thousand years ago

and we were all delirious when we arrived. Back then, it was the Adrian Van Ripper, Imhotep, Dr. Frank Victor and his brother Stein, the Blob, Nessie, the Wolfman, myself, and of course, my half-brother Hugo. Let's go into the pister thing? Yes, of course. It was difficult.

None of us could recall our lives from before, just vague impressions and details. We were all scrambling for answers, nearly at each other's throats with threats. That's when we came upon a man, a human man, and his family at the edge of some farmland. I tried asking the man where we were and how we had arrived here, but he wouldn't say. In retrospect, it was simple miscommunication, but tensions were high. Hugo, my half-brother, flew off the handle and took the man's family as ransom. I think he thought this would motivate the man to loosen his tongue, but it had the opposite effect. The man did nothing. He stood frozen and didn't follow after us.

I don't think I ever saw the man again. Until today. And Dracula looks straight at you, Barney. Sorry doesn't begin to express my guilt and regret for not stepping in. I could have stopped Hugo, but blood is thicker than water. As I understand it, they are all still here. Hugo kept them for himself, put them to use. I wanted no part in it. I was more focused on searching for meaning in this world. I found faith in something bigger than me. I became a devoted believer in the Great Mall.

I now know it was what we now call Faunalock. That's also where I met a man who inspired me with such devotion and fierce fervor like I had never witnessed before. Abraham Stoker Van Helsing, or as I called him, Bram. He was a man of unfathomable faith and persistent passion. I couldn't help but fall in love with him. But it wasn't just our spirituality behind it all. We were both skilled warriors. Between Hugo, Brahm and myself, there wasn't a beast alive or undead that could match our power and passion.

But none of us were ever satisfied, each in our own ways. It wasn't until later that I learned that the root of Brahm's passionate faith was an unhealthy obsession with a way out of this world, a life beyond this one. He hoped, or rather was convinced, that his faith would free him from this world, a world plagued with monstrosities and bloodshed. He was unshaken with the belief that if he baptized himself in Groteth's sacred lake, Loxasenus, then he would be rewarded with a world beyond this one. For weeks I tried to dissuade him, thinking it was going to change his mind.

But I couldn't stop him. He took the plunge and we never found his body. Not only did my love die that day, but so did my faith and hope for this world. Now I leave it to those who are still devoted, like this ferato. As for my half-brother, well, he couldn't outrun his past of misdeeds. His ravenings caught up to him, and none of you will ever have to worry about Hugo again.

I only wish I had done something sooner. Barney pulls up a crossbow and aims it right at his chest. You express regret? Oh, very much. But you've done nothing? You're complicit. Sounds like you didn't do anything either, Barney. Barney gives the most... It looks at you like he's never looked at you before.

Could I grab the crossbow out of his hand? You can make a straight check to see if you're able to grab it. And then, Barney, if you want to hold on to it, you can also make a strength check as well. 18. I share a very uncomfortable look with Mateed. The party's fighting. 17.

17, yeah. Elga very quickly, you know, Elga's really super strong. She's able to grab it quickly out of your hand, Barney, before you have time to think. And Dracula says, I wouldn't blame you. I did not perform the actions myself. However, I waited too long to carry out justice.

You did nothing. I wish I had done something sooner. You did nothing. But I am trying to rectify my past mistakes now. Wait a second. You're saying that you and your friends, are you and your companions... That's like half-brother and then...

Well, no, I'm going way back. All the people, like the blob and all of that, you don't remember how you came to this land? No, we don't. That is interesting. Very, very vague recollections. Anything to do with the Ma and the Pa? Wait, what is the Ma? I do not know what this Ma is. He's a deity of some kind? I believe that the Ma provides order and provides the way to better ourselves. Did you meet Zama? No. Then what inspired you to make a treaty together from Zama?

How did you discover Zama? Who told you about it? Did some nice people in white shirts and ties come and talk to you about it with a book? Did they knock on your door? They came on bicycles. Yeah, they came on bicycles. We learned from those who were here before us the dragons oh oh did you kill the dragons well they're no longer here

that was yet another mistake in a line of many okay i also i'm assuming the painting we saw was of dracula bram and hugo oh ask him the painting in your was of Dracula, Bram, and Hugo. Oh, ask him. The painting in your room, Dracula, is that you, Bram, and Hugo? Yes. Okay. There we go. Bram himself. With that, you start to hear footsteps and about tense Farrat to rush into the room.

What would have concluded me to come here into this room where the bells are? Maybe there's all the ringing of bells. We would never know. We would never know. Is Hugo's last name Vixie by any chance? Before you get a chance to get an answer to that, this is for to address you all. And you hear a

loud voice booming throughout all of Fangpick. The tribunal is about to commence. Those wishing to provide testimony should proceed to the capillary at once. Dracula, you need to help me. They're going to prosecute my father. Prosecute. Prosecute.

Suddenly you care about family. Shut up, Barney. The bells have rung. It must begin. You should come and provide taste among us. I'm still up there. I ring the bells again.

Does that negate? We must proceed with double time. I do it again. Quadruple time. There's got to be a... I thought this was the next morning, though, that they were going to do that. It has been like a whole night.

The bells have been rung. Amongst all the chaos, I pull Barney to the side and say, I know, pal. This is a real complicated mess, my friend. We will get your family, Barney. chaos, I pull Barney to the side and say, I know, pal, this is a real complicated mess, my friend. We will get your family, Barney. They are here. Barney looks at you and says,

If you get between me and my family again, we're... How have I ever gotten between you and your family? What you just did. From stopping you from killing Dracula? I didn't kill... I'm trying to find out answers, and you're trying to stop me. No, I'm trying to keep you from killing the one person who has the answers. You did not.

What you did is you're interrupting my business. Of killing the person who can give you the answers? Did I kill him? You almost did. Did I kill him, yes or no? Barney, no, of course not. Okay. Jesus.

Okay. I mean, Ma. Great, Ma. The Sferatu kind of put some space between you. A couple of Sferatu stand between you and begin guiding you all to the doors that you had just entered from. Dracula, can you come with us to help?

Well, yes. I must oversee the tribunal. But like, can you like, you know, go in favor of Count Van Braff because he's a good dude. Judgment will be passed against the accused on the side of justice. I go in for a handshake with Dracula,

and when he takes his hand back, there's a emo piece in his hand. Ooh, big spender. And I wink at him. Left or right eye? Left. Ooh. The best one. Okay.

Yeah, Dracula. What do I roll to see if I fixed everything? Make a persuasion check. I rolled a two. With a modifier of 18. Persuasion plus two, so four. You did it. Do you advise me to use my inspiration dice for this moment?

He puts the hemo piece back in your hand and says, Justice cannot be spayed. And he's escorted out of the room by the Svartu. I just want to remind you, Barney, they also did not kill your family. They are here. You have seen them with your own two eyes. Turned them into slaves. They stole them and turned them into slaves.

Well, he did and Dracula did and he said Hugo did. Yeah. Remember? You were also there. Barney, there's been a lot of mistakes that were made. And, you know, like, is he super innocent? No. But he's also not, like, is he super innocent? No. But he's also not, like, the sole person that's responsible and is guilty.

But I understand the emotions are high. This is a super stinky situation. But I do think right now we need to gear Dracula to work in our favor. And then, you know, we can pass judgment if the time comes to that. But for now, I think we got to just play it cool. Don't make any brash sudden movements, decisions. Okay. I time comes to that. But for now, I think we gotta just play cool. Don't make any brash sudden movements, decisions. Okay? I'm gonna leave. Okay,

bye-bye, gang. Do you head to the capillary then, Chip? Yeah, I'm gonna start heading that way. Y'all walk out, you know, to the south, and the iron door to the capillary is open wide, and you enter that same wide antechamber with a font of blood in the center. You notice as the other counts enter, they dip two fingers in the blood and touch their fangs.

Beyond the font, you pass through an archway into a long triangular hall with barbed columns, rows of pews, stone coffins along the wall, and several red-hot graziers. Bloodstone tiles run northward down the center of the room. And you all are free to sit wherever you like here. I think, Mateed, you might have a favorite seat already in mind. I sit back next to my friend.

Is he still there? Is he still there? Yes. Still the same spot. I sit next to him and I go, DJ, am I right? What did you say it was? I don't know.

Thank goodness it's Fangpick. Yeah. So you can sit wherever you want, but I assume you all are going to want to sit in that main room. I'll sit next to my client, Mr. Van Broth. If you don't want me to do this.

Van Broth. So you would have to sit up close to the front end of the northern end of the room. I am his legal counsel. I would think so. Elga and Barney, do you have any specifications for where in the room you would want to be sitting? Is there something or some place that Elga should sit or stand if she's the one defending him? You imagine that you will probably be called upon for that. Okay, so I'll sit somewhere that's easy for me to get up.

On the way there, Barney would want us to crossbow back. Elga hands it to him. He says, okay, just don't point it at anybody who might be able to help us, okay? That's not the way to get answers here don't tell me what to do i just did as you find your seats you see a raised dice with black seats arranged in a v and at the peak a large bloodstone throne where count dracula sits with his head in his hands you hear another loud gong force brought to come marching in from the southern archway down the center aisle on their shoulders is a silver coffin that gleams in the red firelight.

As they reach the steps of the dais, they lay the coffin down, fasten it to silver chains attached to the ground, and take their seats alongside Dracula. The tribunal for Count Von Breth has now commenced. An anonymous informant has come forth and accused Count Von Breth of breaking the Vanian vows. He has granted a foreigner entry into the Vampire without permission, smuggled a vampire outside of Vania without permission, and trafficked silver into Vania. What does the accused have to say for themselves?

A small trapdoor opens at the head of the coffin and a voice calls out from it. Not guilty. My actions have been wildly misconstrued. You all know my stirring reputation. Dracula eyes the coffin with raised eyebrows for a moment, then proceeds. Very well. We will now proceed with testimonies.

Does anyone wish to come forth and testify on behalf of Count Von Brecht's character or actions? I do. Everyone turns and looks at you, Elga. Dracula says, We recognize Elga Von Brecht.

Okay, where do I go? I just didn't appear. Please step forward. And he points up front, close to the dais. Okay, so I'm like an open book. Just feel free to ask me any questions. I'll be happy to answer them. What experiences do you have to testify to the character of the accused?

Oh, where do I begin? So, my papa is just a wonderful person who has only ever served the Vamspire and kept us safe and kept everyone here safe. And he's just a good person all around, take good care of me and my sister Ravina. This is exactly how a child would testify. And he gives us late-night snacks and lets us watch TV late at night and early morning, should I say. And lets us watch TV late at night, in the early morning, should I say. And, you know, he only wanted me to go to, you know, explore the world. And also to do, you know, check out the Peace Parade, which I think is good research for us here in Vania.

To know, you know, how the other cultures and people are living. You know, important things. Yeah. The man of culture. Thank you, Miss Bone Breath. You're welcome. Thank you, ma'am. My father now.

One father, please. We await further testimony from Countess Von Brath. Countess Von Brath steps forward, but as she's walking forward to where, like how you were at the front of the room, you hear your sister Avena shout out. This whole affair is ludicrous. You know my father. He bravely fought in the Draconic Discord.

He has been a faithful count in Vania for hundreds of years, and no one has contributed more to the Vampspire's architecture and infrastructure than him. He should be released immediately! Yeah. The true culprit of these crimes is in this very room. Someone who left the Vampspire and just so happens to arrive back in Vania on the day my father is accused and apprehended. I stand up with the guy next to me and go, yes, he's right there.

I got him. I got him. He's right there. Elga does that thing where she's like looking all around her because surely she cannot be talking about her. Well, like you, Liam just whispers and shifty eyes furtively passing around the room. I am of course talking about someone in my own family! My mother!

Kill this poor brat! That twist! The whole room erupts into gasps and scoffs, and everyone make me a perception check. Getting juicy. 21 for Elga. 24. 23!

18! Yeah, we're all perceiving. As everyone's, you know, gasping and scoffing at these accusations, all four of you notice something in the corner of your eye. Uh-oh. You see a battler come in late to the proceedings and sit down in the northeast corner of the room. What? Avena continues.

He has always been jealous of my father and simply wants him out of the picture. Order! Order! That is enough! Miss Von Breth, that is a serious accusation. But if you have no evidence to back up such a claim, I will ask you to return to your seat. Does anyone else wish to testify? Naveena once again sits down, and a sneer widens across her face.

She and the Countess immediately start quietly going at each other with sharp whispers. A familiar battler steps forward to the dais. So the same battler that came in? Yes. Count Von Brath has been nothing but kind to me ever since we first met. He welcomed me into his home, offered me a job, and I believe he should be free! The battler lunges at the coffin, and with a cajunct, the lid opens. The radiance around the casket subsides and out steps a pale man with blonde curly hair wearing a top hat, black suit, and a red ascot.

Count Von Braath addresses you all. Oh, such hospitality. Why, thank you, Eddie. And with a whoosh, the battler's robes billow and swirl, transforming into a skinless figure with green veins, green eyes, and a grin of jagged teeth. Don't mention it, Hugo! Barbra's face. Barbra's face. So this is awkward.

I let him suck my finger. I want my butt back. Find out if Chip gets his blood back on the next episode. My dad is Hugo. Your dad is Hugo. Well, find out what happens on the next episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. There are many ways little stinkers can support the show. Commenting on social media, rating us on podcast services, interacting with us in Discord,

or telling friends about the show by word of mouth. Stinkers like Sticky underscore Charles, Demonic Turtle, Travioli 98, Watermelon, and Buggy52. These people are directly supporting the show and to get access to more great content like Second Wind, interacting with us on our subscriber-only Discord channels and events and more. Again, we can't thank you enough for your support

that lets us make this show. Want to give a quick shout out to a couple of our friends that voiced NPCs in this episode. Voices like Count Dracula, voiced by Andre Ouellette at Andre Krat, K-R-E-T. Count Von Brath,

voiced by Trevor Collins at underscore Trevor C. Avena Von Brath, voiced by Kristen Nelson at Kristen Alin. Eddie, voiced by Andrew Rosas at Mr. Andrew Rosas. And Sfratu, voiced by David Saunier,

at David underscore Saunier. The Stinky Dragon Channel is managed by Ben Ernst. This episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon was produced by Kai Cooke, written, edited, and composed by Micah Reisinger, with additional editing work by David Saunier. Tune in next time for another thrilling episode of Tales from the Stinky Dragon. dragon.

Yeah, I could eat like a f***. Let me take it. Wow. Leave it in. Gus gets talking about cheese and all the explicits come out. I dare you.