Talking Shit with a Yank & a Brit - 1/40th Of A Rat Friend

Episode Date: January 23, 2025

This week we finish our Hogwarts adventure, we've got some fun facts and, as always, and AITA!Send in your sh*t to [e-mail] or on socials @TSYBPOD

Well, hello and welcome back to Talking Shit with Ayan Kanna-Brit. Wow, live studio audience today is really up for it. So loud. Okay, everyone, chill out. Chill out. Wow, live studio audience today's really up for it. So loud. Okay, everyone, chill out. Chill out. Wow. Be cool. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

We need some silence so we can talk, everybody. Yeah. That's why we all came here, right? How are you? I'm fine. How are you? I'm good. Good, good, good. We're good? We're both good. I'm actually super how are you? I'm good. Good, good, good.

We're good, we're both good. I'm actually super tired, I didn't sleep great, so. Oh, that's not good. No, it's not my life. I slept like a fucking baby. But mainly because I was knackered from the night before where I didn't sleep well, so. Well, I'm glad you're catching up on that sleep debt.

I feel like I probably will forever be in sleep debt, so. Yeah, I don't think you can ever catch up. Mm-mm. No, I'm glad you're catching up on that sleep debt. I feel like I probably will forever be in sleep debt. Yeah, I don't think you can ever catch up. No, I'm fucked at this point. Yeah, once you start having sort of late nights in your late 20s, you're fucked. Yeah. You're never going to make that back. No, no, you're right. Well, I'll power through.

I got my coffee. I got my coffee. I got my cocaine. I got my speed. Fentanyl. Just kidding. Yeah, all of it. I got my downer for the uppers. And your uppers for the downers to level you out. So really you're just normal now.

Yeah, yeah, actually, you're right. I was gonna ask you something. I really you're just normal now. Yeah, yeah, actually, you're right. Um, I was going to ask you something. I can't remember now. Oh, well, it doesn't matter. No. We're back again. Once again. And today is at the time of recording.

It's Trump's inauguration. Oh man, I should have bring that up. Sorry. It's really hoping that we could just pretend it was only Martin Luther King Jr. Day today. I'm just like, so annoyed that, yeah, it's like, you know, it's, we always have MLK Day, like, you know, it's like whatever Monday it is in January, you know, and it's a holiday for us and it just so happened to fall on the same day as the inauguration. And I'm just like, can we, can we like not associate Trump with MLK please?

Can we not do that? Yeah. Just feels disrespectful. Can I just talk about him for like one minute? Yeah. Yeah, of course. Um, so obviously over the weekend, all the past couple of days, the US banned TikTok and kicked everyone out in the US.

And then Trump's brought it back. I'm so fucking annoyed by that. I'd just like to remind people that he was the one that initiated the ban in the first place. In 2020, he said he was going to sign an executive order because he got real pissy about all these TikToker, you know, young people who are like, let's all buy these tickets to his rally and then not go so his rally is not, you know, like full of people. And he got so fucking mad about

it that he's like, I'm going to ban Tik Tok. And then finally happens for reasons that we don't have to go into, but it's super annoying. And then, yeah, he comes in and saves the day. And it's like, honestly, it's kind of, you know, I guess it was kind of a brilliant move, because now look at all the people who are going to be like Trump saved TikTok. But it's like they're forgetting. Yeah, they're forgetting how it happened. Yeah. And also it's classic narcissistic behavior. Yeah. Take something away and then become the savior by reinstating it. Mm-hmm. So. Yeah. I just to see, I loaded it up yesterday in the morning and it was like, the screenshot was like, we're working with, you know, we're banned or whatever.

And we're working with president Trump towards the resolution. So then Nigel being over there, um, I asked him if he could log in. Cause I wondered, you know, even though his phone is American based with American based self, you know, self-service and you know, phone number, if he could see it while he's over there and he could not. So, but then he's like, well, maybe, you know, the UK, maybe they're doing it in the end. I was like, no, I think it's because your phone is American for all intents and purposes. And you've logged in.

On an American, yeah, yeah. But then very, you know, I don't know how much time had passed, but then all of a sudden there was again. What a savior, Belland. Yeah, I know, fuck that guy. He's also, he mentioned up there as well that he, a video seems to have come out where he's essentially admitting that Elon Musk may have interfered with the voting computers in Pennsylvania and that's where they won there.

Certainly seems that way based on what he said and some of the implications there. And of course, you know, nothing will happen with that. No, I was going to say there'll be no investigation and nothing will come of it. There you go. Well, happy Martin Luther King Day. Thank you. We shall call it nothing else. Yeah. That's what it is. I have the day off and you and I are recording and we were thinking about maybe revisiting your work at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as a Hogwarts only guidance counselor.

Yeah. Charlie made a very good point to me that this was clearly written by an American because she was like, this is the most American Hogwarts I've ever heard. Well, and read by an American. True. Hogwarts I've ever heard. Well, and read by an American. True, yeah. But yeah, I mean, it is a clickhole.com, not .co.uk either, but they could have done a little research into the culture. They could have. I mean, there's seven books they could have. Done a little homework. Yeah. We're not ones to talk, but we also love judging.

That is our God-given right. So just to recap. Yeah, where were we? Well we met with two students. You tried out some nipple magic and, you know, we have your Tony Blair chair and we left off with coming back from Princeton University where you left Spigot because he was so enamored with cornhole. He loves cornhole. Who doesn't?

Right. And so we were considering that a win because you got someone to a college, even if they're not enrolled in college or going to college. He might enroll at some point. Yeah. You know what? The tour guide or whatever did say that if you really want a shot, you need to live in the shanty town on the edge of campus in order to even be considered. So now he's in a position to do so. Exactly. He's closer than he was. Yes, exactly.

And Princeton's a great school, it's Ivy League. So, but yes, you ultimately slurped the magic linguine. Ah, yes. Yeah, yeah, yes. And I will just pick off where we left off. Okay. And we'll see if we can get through this, but we might have to have a part three. It's just going to go on all year now. Well, and if you remember, it just never ends.

Yeah, just kind of. It's actually a job to click through this. And I'm trying to remember your schedule. There were four students total. We've done two. The last one being, you know, the infamous Ron Weasley. So, yeah. Cool. I'm not feeling Ron Weasley voice as well.

I was just thinking about that. It is not going, it's going to be Ron Weasley as played by a different person. Not Rupert Grint. They are doing a TV remake, so maybe you're the candidate for that. Ron Weasley played by a white mid to late 30s white American woman. Yeah, we can't discriminate Kate. You're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, so with a flash, you're back in your office. The only evidence Spigot was ever here is the lingering musk of hot dogs. Oh, but hey, there's a girl with a rat in here now.

It's always something, isn't it? Here in this wild witchy mixed up school they call Hogwarts. Sure is. Tony Blair is actually a code name says the Enchanted Chair. Many different people have held the mantle of Tony Blair throughout the years including one very clever orangutan. Thanks Chair. So I mean naturally this girl is with the rat is standing in your office and it makes sense that you perhaps ask her how you can help her. Would you like to? Yes, yeah, I shall.

Can I help you? All right. She says, I'm here because my friend, Copernicusa has an appointment with you and she's a rat now. So, she holds up her little rat friend. That's right. Copernicusa Grump, Copernicusa,

I can't say this fucking name. I'm just gonna call her Cope, Cope Gumped the Ravenclaw. Ah, clever. And naturally you wanna ask her about that. So you can say, she's a rat now? That's my only option. For now, she's a rat now? That's my only option. Yeah, for now. She's a rat now? All right. Let me do a voice here. Okay, so we got our friend.

Yeah, well, actually she's 40 rats, because Professor Large Bird caught me in her passing notes in class about whether Judeo-Christian actually involves any meaningful aspects of Judaism. And to punish us, she said that she could either turn me into 40 rats or her into 40 rats, or both of us into 20 rats each, and Cope volunteered to be the 40 rats, so now she is.

Also, Professor Large, sorry, what? and Cope volunteered to be the 40 rats, so now she is. Also, Professor Large Bird, sorry, what? Sorry, where are the other 39? Well, I think she'll answer that for you. She goes on to say, Professor Large Bird said she'll turn back when I get all the rats together in one place, but they scattered and I only managed to catch this one. So she's gonna miss her appointment, I think. together in one place but they scattered and I only managed to catch this one so

she's gonna miss our appointment I think. Yeah I mean I can't really do the appointment with one forty. Well you have two options here you can ask can I try talking to the rat or you can say this really sucks? Can I try talking to the rat? Or you can say, this really sucks. Can I try talking to the rat? All right. You ask. And the response is three ellipses, which I can only assume means nothing. Like you don't get anything back. So you then proceed to ask, do you have any interest in starting the college process? I feel like I would ask it, do you have any interest in starting the college process? Just get louder. Yeah.

Well, you get a response now. It says, of course not, I'm a rat. Oh. And you say, well, shit. Well, shit. Well shit. And then, you know, her friend jumps in and says, um, I'm sorry, I think I've got to go find the rest of my rat of the rats that my friend is made of now. So and now's your chance. Don't squander this opportunity. God may have closed a door, but what that stupid motherfucker hasn't realized is he left a window open for you to wriggle right through and you can maybe talk to her friend about college. So you ask her, wait, how would you like to go to college?

Wait, how would you like to go to college? And she responds, college? Wow. Geez. I don't know. I'd never thought about it, but yeah, maybe. And you're so shocked and surprised and just like, you can't lose this momentum. But the only thing you can think of to ask is, wait, really? Oh, for fuck's sake. I am not helping myself here. You're still practicing. Okay. Wait, really? She responds, actually, shoot, I totally spaced and forgot that I've pledged my body and soul to Astral Lewis,

the black archon of the lowest ends and the highest spires. His long pale fingers will tear back the trembling curtain that separates the sense from madness and usher in an age of depravity where their only law is whim. And part of his dread cabal, I've got like a lot on my plate, like defeating the meddlesome band of protectors and their mask leader proud fist and cutting each of the long threads to hasten the great unraveling,

but like I'll be rewarded with power undreamed of. So I'm actually gonna be super busy with that. Right, okay, fuck it now. And so you say, nevermind then. Nevermind then, all right. Go find your rat friend. The girl leaves with 1.40th of her friend. You're alone with your shame.

So far today, so far today, you've lied to a child, gotten a student addicted to a lawn game, and failed to make any headway with a rat's friend. If guidance counselors were horses, they'd name you Elmers. Do you get that reference? Okay. So Elmer, Elmers is a brand of glue. And glue is, you know, supposedly made out of horses. So yeah, Charlie may be right about Americans writing this.

But on top of this, your jaunt Princeton burned through most of your lunch break and your last appointment Ronald Weasley is going to be here any minute. So you have two options. Well, I've got high hopes for Ron. I mean he had his life together according-ish, according to the books. You have two options. You can wait for Ron or you can go get lunch anyways. I'm going to go get lunch anyways. Fair enough. Let's see what happens.

You think to yourself, fuck it. They don't pay you enough dried lizard parts to skip your lunch break. You flip the I have gone fishing sign on your door around and set up for the teacher's lounge where nearly half of the leftover egg and cheese lean pocket awaits you in the magic refrigerator. Yum. But as it so happens, you're lost basically immediately. The stairs spun around in random patterns, and now you're in a part of a school you've never seen before in your whole fucking life. This might be a little exciting if it didn't happen every other fucking time you try to go to lunch. So yeah, you have two options. You can go left or you can go right. Left, please.

You head left and tug open a promising looking door. Immediately, you're worried to the ankles and a torrent of lizards, snakes, geckos, skinks, and iguanas, both dried and fully squirming. Looks like you found the school's lizard supply closet. Cool. Can I leave and go right? After quickly checking and make sure the hallway is empty, you start stuffing your pockets with as many dried lizard parts as they can hold. It's payday, baby, and you're finally getting set up for direct deposit. Lunch still beckons, though.

You can go left or right. Oh, go right. Oh, God. You've somehow found your way into a sparse, filthy bedchamber. The overwhelming stenches of brown stew and wet laundry assault your nostrils, a combination whose strange familiarity clicks into place after a few beats. You're in Professor Snape's room. The last thing you want to do is stay too long, but you quickly take in some of the more sordid details. The stacks of dripping wet National Geographic labeled with color-coded sticky notes.

The mountain of empty skim milk curtains from a brand the school definitely doesn't stock. The shelf of books with titles like A Boy's Guide to the Throat and You Have Them in Your Grasp. Now what? This is the home of a true pervert. Brilliant. Do you want to go left or right? I'll go right again. You sound scared. I am. Your names are all end up mixed. You've now found yourself in Hogwarts' synagogue. A thick film of dust covers everything.

Thanks to Hogwarts' off-the-books policy of quietly discouraging Jews from applying. Whoa. This is taking a turn. Why are you working for this institution? Okay. You know what? We're here now, so we'll talk about that later. They just wouldn't fit in, is the justification usually here. No one ever really goes there. You take a moment to wonder why they even built one in the first place.

Well, I have thoughts. I mean, my thoughts are that, you know, I don't think religion really matters in Hogwarts because they're witches and wizards. Mm-hmm it's actually kind of the opposite of religion in a way. Yeah. Or its own religion I suppose. Oh well off to lunch left or right? Left? Or will that just take me back to Snape's room? Well, you did left Lizard closet right Snape's room right again Synagogue and so if you did so left right right left. No, it shouldn't Okay, I'll go left

After walking for what feels like an eternity you find yourself in front of a strange door at the top of a staircase. It seems to leap open before you, beckoning you in with a soft glow that spills forth. After all these years, could it be...?" And then it just says enter. Would you like to enter? I'll enter. Where am I? It must be. The fabled Room of Requirement, which appears to Hogwarts students.

Do you know what this is? Is this the thing? Yeah. Well, what is it, Tony? It's, well, it's the Room of Requirement. It will become anything you want it to be or need it to be. Oh. So for example, in one of the books, Dumbledore mentions that it turned into a toilet when he went to the toilet, but Harry also uses it to hide a book. and he would do the toilet. But Harry also uses it to hide a book.

In the last book, they, all the like sort of students who are fighting against the Death Eaters use it as a hideout to hide from the evil teachers and stuff. Oh, didn't know that. Oh, and Harry's Defense Against the Dark Arts teaching room. Okay. When Newbridge came. Yeah. Okay.

And yeah, I mean, this track's at least got this right because it says, which appears to Hogwarts students and presumably faculty in their time of great need to provide them their heart's desire or something like that, who cares? I care. Well, and you are extremely hungry, so it makes sense that it would show up now.

It doesn't give you food. That's the only thing it can't give you. Oh, okay. Well, somewhere in here there's got to be a delicious lunch just for you. You start searching, but before long you feel a presence behind you. No. So you turn around. I want to point out, though, because you didn't attend Hogwarts,

you went to community college. Maybe you wouldn't know that it can't provide food. So you turn around. Oh, oh, OK. Well, you ready? Oh, no. What a mistake you've made. This isn't the Room of Requirement. This is the room where Dracula lives.

It's just like the old Hogwarts saying, everyone thinks Dracula lives in Transylvania, but he actually lives in the room where Dracula lives. Oh, yeah. That old well-known Hogwarts saying. The vigor drains from your limbs as you stare into Dracula's hypnotic gaze. And as his fangs pierce your neck, your last thought is that someone really ought to label that door, or any of them for that matter. Yeah, that would be helpful.

So technically I think this kind of means you died, but your options are return to checkpoint or start over. Technically, I think this kind of means you died, but your options are return to checkpoint or start over. Return to checkpoint. OK, so that takes us all the way back to, you know, a girl and rat friend leaving. OK. Where you can choose lunch or waiting for Ron. Oh, wait for Ron.

Good choice. Good call. Your responsibility is to your students, not to your aching stomach or subtly plummeting blood sugar. You said stoically in wait, like if they made a sitting terracotta warrior with bad posture and no facial definition. Burn. Yeah.

Luckily, you don't have to wait long before there's a timid, fluttery knock at your door, which I guess would be kind of like... Very good. You can say, come in, or of course. That's all caps. Okay. A pale, tremulous student creeps into your office, locks the door, and slumps into the enchanted Armchair. He's pregnant with

nervous energy, which is a weird way to say it, and he keeps glancing over his shoulders as if he thinks he's being watched. Emma, I'm Ron Weasley here for my appointment, he mutters hoarsely. Tony Blair is the only human embryo ever successfully gestated in a gorilla womb, says the Enchanted Armchair. When his surrogate gorilla mother died, she received a state funeral. Leave me alone! shrieks Ron. You can ask him either, tell me about yourself Ron, or is everything okay?

Is everything okay? Of course it's not okay! cries Ron. Ron or is everything okay? Is everything okay? Of course it's not okay, cries Ron. If he finds out I'm here, God only knows what he'll do. He and he'll as in like he is capitalized. Turn the school against me or take more of my memories or he'll goad her into punishing me or me into punishing her and God, he would too. He has his hooks in everyone and I'm the only one close enough to see it Goad, goad her into punishing me or me into punishing her and God, he would too.

He has his hooks in everyone and I'm the only one close enough to see it and there's nothing I can do because he has his hooks in me deepest. Oh, I bet he's talking about Harry. I was just thinking that too. You can say slow down and tell me about yourself or you can let him keep talking thinking who is this he you keep talking about? Let's go with the second option. Who is this he you keep talking about?

How can you not know? I'm trying to do like squeaky voice puberty. The whole school revolves around him, dangling on his whims like eels squirming and grasping on a fishing hook. I suppose I could be British too. Professors bend over backwards to please him. Students scurry like mindless ants to carry out his will and punish his enemies. Those few who dare oppose him, he humiliates you again and again year after year. He's even got his own paramilitary group now, students who would die in his name. What began as a cult of personality has become

far darker. And God help me, I helped him build it all. I was his best friend. I won't say his name or he'll know I'm here, but he'll find out soon enough anyway. He always does. He always does. Oh, Ron. You can ask Ron why he's here. Why are you here, Ron? I don't know if you're shit already. I think you might be the only one left who can help me. Hardly anyone knows you work here. I've been here for years. Wait, yes, wait,

yes. I've been here for years and I've never knew Hogwarts even had a guidance counselor. Somehow you've escaped his notice and influence. It's truly a miracle. You're so bad at your job. But it's only a matter of time before he learns I've betrayed him and he'll come for me. And you! I'm sorry to drag you into this, but it's my only way out. You need to free me. You need to get me out of the Hogwarts. And you think, holy shit, it's perfect. It is. You thank God and Christ for this golden opportunity. And you can ask him, Ron, have you ever heard of college? College. Yes, please. Ron blinks. I assume like this.

Yep. And he says- That was really cartoon-like. Just, you know, if there was a noise cartoon-like... Just you know, if there was a noise effect to it, it probably would have been like a water drop. He says, no, I don't think so. Maybe I have, but he's taken so many of my memories. What is it?

Will I be safe there? You have three options. Option number one, definitely. They have blue light phones and everything. Option two, college is like Hogwarts but less magical, twice as sensual, and the cults are more fun. Option three, at college you could be anyone. You could ride a razor scooter around and be the scooter guy. It's just an idea though. Let's go with option one. Blue light. Definitely. They have blue light phones and everything? Okay. At last, Ron's eyes light up. I imagine like this.

Ron's eyes light up, I imagine like this. And life seems to flood back into his body. College, I'll finally be free, free to do what I want, which is sit quietly in a dark room and play one of those handheld water ring toss games. I never dared to hope. Thank you, oh thank you. I feel so good. I never dared to hope. Thank you. Oh, thank you. I feel so good. And you say, I'll need to write you a letter of recommendation. Okay. I'll need to write you a letter of recommendation, Ronald. So you quickly bang out a pretty good letter of recommendation and safety pin it to Ron's shirt.

Yes, you do. Yeah. Ron beams. Just then, there's a banging on the door. Forceful, commanding. The lock holds for now, but you hear someone say or yell, RON! From the other side of the door. Oh no, whispers Ron. He's found me.

Dun, dun, dun. Hold on, dogs barking. It's just the postman. Are they scared of this person too? Yeah. So you can say, we've got to get you to college. We've got to get you to college. Right away, Ronald. Wait! There's one more thing! Cries Ron over the banging. He lifts his shirt to reveal

… nothing. Where his nipple should be, there's only smooth unbroken flesh. It makes your skin crawl to the hold. I imagine like this. This is how he keeps me in his thrall. As long as he has my nipples, he'll always be able to find me. He'll always have power over me. I don't know why I'm laughing. Somehow you need to fix me, please. The banging grows louder. Oh shit.

The door won't hold long. So if you recall from earlier on in the day, AKA last episode, you can cast one spell that you know, or you can open your drawer full of spare nipples. What would you like to do? I mean, I've got to get rid of some of the nipples I guess. You have quite a bit. Yeah, I'll open the drawer full of spare nipples please. An abundance of nipples if you will. You open your drawer of nipples.

You've been waiting for this moment your entire life. All these years casting the one spell you know, plop them pepperonis, conjuring single loose nipples and storing them in your desk drawer. It was all leading up to this. With practiced ease, you slide open the drawer full of spare nipples.

Oh, I wanted to open my drawer, but I don't think I'll make as much of a noise. Okay, shh. And with a quick application of a couple safety pins, ow. Ron has nipples again. I understand, cries Ron. These are my nipples now, which means all he has are some loose nipples.

They have no power over me anymore. Thank you. The banging intensifies, it's time to go. Thank you. The banging intensifies. It's time to go. So you can Google good college. You can Google better college, or you can Google best college. Best college.

Yeah, he deserves the best, poor kid. Okay. Google Maps pulls up the Wellesley University admissions office and Ron starts concentrating, readying himself to cast the spell that sends you where Google Maps tells you to go. Thank you, he whispers one last time and then Sergey Destinato and in a flash black of black smoke, Ron is gone. The enchanted armchair starts to say something about Tony Blair's glands but

it's drowned out in an explosion of wood and metal as the blast of magic blows the door to splinters. Through the haze of smoke and sawdust steps the one Ron feared, staring you down with cold dead eyes. The tip of his wand crackling with untold power. He asks you where Ron is, but you're not listening. You've accepted your fate because you've fulfilled your purpose. You seized the day. You did your job. You got one fucking kid to go to college and that's enough. Well I feel like the moral of this story is that everything happens for a reason. Yeah. You know I had those nipples. You practiced that one plop-us-pepper-onum spell so much that, I mean, his nipples don't match, but I guess it's fair to

say that probably most people's don't. No. They're more like sisters and not twins. So there is epilogue. Okay. You want me to click it? Yep. It just says nah. That's probably how the book should have gone to be fair. Okay, so I mean, are we assuming that it was Harry Potter that killed you? Oh, I'm guessing so, yeah. It could have been Hermione, I guess. I know he said he, but, you know. Well, there we go. That is the tale. That is the tale of my tenure at Hogwarts being a shit guidance counselor. But I saved one life.

And it was Ron. And you know, if anything, I think he's actually the main character of the books. Yeah, 100%. So I think that's what did you think of that? Did you enjoy that? Because there are other ones we can do someday. I think like your neighbor, eight year bird time to extract your revenge or... Yes, I like that one.

That would be funny. And I know there are some other ones that I thought were good too. You're a 13 year old girl. Can you find a date to the Sadie Hawkins? You were abducted by aliens. Will anyone ever believe you? And there's so many more. Yeah, great. Yes, let's definitely revisit this at some point. They also have... I want to see what kind of, well, I'll, I haven't clicked through it, but I won't try not to do any spoilers, but I would like to see what

kind of revenge you might exact. Yeah. Or if that one's anything to go by, it's going to be fucking batshit crazy. Probably pretty gory too, I think. Yeah, maybe. Um, this website's pretty interesting though. They also have a quiz that says, how well do you know the lyrics to Nellie's Hot and Her?

So, just to real quick go through this. The first question is, want a little bit of blank and a little bit of blank. And your options are want a little bit of mushrooms growing on me and a little bit of acknowledgement from the scientific community. Want a little bit of voluntary celibacy and a little bit of involuntary celibacy. Want a little bit of creating rap music with my friends and a little bit of loud funky

raps or want a little bit of tooth decay and a little bit of dental work. What's none of those? I think it's the voluntary celibacy and voluntary celibacy. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. I'm pretty sure that's what he says. And then he's like, good gracious ass is very patient and my mom, a drawing I made while she's having sex with Richard Dreyfuss.

Oh, sorry, I put that wrong. And I was like, good gracious ass is very patient, flirtatious trying to show my mom a drawing I made while she's having sex with Richard Dreyfuss. Anyway, okay, another day. That's great. Do you want to hear some fun facts? 100%. So this is one of my favorites. So the term spinster was originally the word for a woman so good at weaving that she was financially independent.

Oh, and then they took that word from us to make it seem like an old and loved haggard woman. Yeah. But actually it just means we're financially free and independent. Fuck the patriarchy, man. I know, man. Unbelievable. My next fact is that a survey found

that 7% of American adults think that chocolate milk comes from brown cows. Jesus fucking Christ. I'm not surprised. I'm disappointed. I'm not surprised and disappointed, but I also know like there's like a huge percentage of people who are like illiterate. So they can't read about cows, but they can see pictures of cows. And the only thing they can extrapolate is white cows, white milk, brown cows, chocolate

milk. Yeah. Hey, that cow's brown. That must be where chocolate milk comes from. Ma, bring my cup. Okay, how about this one? Tina Turner was a singer and songwriter, as we all know, known as the queen of rock and roll. And although she had been making music for a decade, her breakthrough album, Private Dancer, was released when she was 44 years old.

The album became a worldwide success, achieving her multi-platinum certifications and cementing her status as an icon. certifications and cementing her status as an icon. You know my only like mind palace memory visualization of her is her as an older like rock star right but gals always had great legs. We should tell that story one day actually, because it's quite insane. Yeah. This is more about cool women. She sure does. Yeah. Better than all the rest.

Here's some other cool women. Sister Mary Kenneth Keller became the first- Her name's Kenneth? Mary Kenneth, okay. Mary Kenneth Keller, double-barreled, I assume, became the first woman in the US to receive a PhD. Not a pretty huge dick, a PhD in computer science. Not only first woman to receive a PhD, but in, I think, a kind of historically

and maybe currently male-dominated field. Computer science, though. So that means that was more recent than we would like to think, because computers are not that old. I mean, the pitch is pretty old. It's black and white. Interesting. Okay, well, I mean, I think probably if we,

what's considered computer, right, like probably the first one is old, but we're like, you know, college has been around for a while. True. But I mean, these are all in the theme of it's never too late to start. She was 52 years old and she went on to found the Association of Small Computer Users in Education and the Computer Science Department at Clark University in Iowa, both of which are still active today. Yay, I didn't know that. Angela Lansbury, who we all love and know, was 15 years old when she landed the starring role in Murder, She Wrote. Heck yeah.

The show ran for 12 years from 1984 to 1996 becoming one of the longest running and most popular detective series in television history. She's also in Bedknobs and Broomsticks and I love that film. I love that film too. I'm actually surprised I was allowed to watch that because it's about witches, which is interesting. But also, do you remember the famous character she voiced? I'm pretty sure, don't quote me, do quote me, because this is a recording that literally millions

of people are gonna hear. It's literally going to quote you. But I remember, if I recall correctly, she's, be a guest, be a guest, I'm a teapot. I'm a teapot and the rest. Yeah, I think she was Mrs. Potts and Beauty and the Beast. Crazy. Okay, this lady is mental. Julia Hurricanes Hawking, cracking name. Oh, okay. Like rattlesnake Kate, kind of. Yeah, exactly. She was a sprinter and a cyclist who didn't compete in her first cycling race until

aged 75. Jesus fucking Christ. She began running at age 99 and became the first female track and field athlete in the 105 plus age bracket to record a time in the 100 meter dash. That makes me think of when I ran the marathon and was like, I'm fucking killing it. This is hard. And I proceed to watch like a very old man just scoot on ahead of me. And I'm like, I really want to quit. But I guess if that old man can do it and he had like a little thing on his shirt that says like, this is my 89th marathon and I'm 74 today. And I'm like, for fuck's sake, all I have is a little bit of bursitis in my hip and

that guy's probably about to die. Well, that's it. Next time you go running, think of Julia Hurricane Hawking who started at 99 years old. No shit but you know what would be even cooler is up until she decided to start cycling and running she actually smoked like a chimney and only ate red meat and drank a gallon of whiskey a day. You know that's my excuse so I'm just going to keep doing that and start running at 99, starting at 75. Yeah, I'll get there. I'll get to it. Yeah.

Catherine Bigelow. How does it spell? By Glow? No, her first name, Dummy. Oh, like yours? Oh, like yours? Oh yay! She became the first woman to win the Oscar for Best Director at 58 years old. Oh yeah! She directed The Hurt Locker? I don't know who it doesn't say. I'll take your word for it. I'm pretty sure it was The Hurt Locker and this is why I'm good at trivia. Let me look it up. Why isn't this? Yep.

Fuck yeah, nailed it. Hurt Locker. 2008. Well done. Catherine Bigelow. First female director you're saying though in 2008. Yep. Best director. 58 years old as well. Breaking the glass ceiling in the male dominated industry. That's sad. That wasn't even that long ago. in the male-dominated industry. That's sad, that wasn't even that long ago. Another running one here. Matthew Alan Smith is a 94-year-old runner who began her journey at age 46. At 92, she completed the Honolulu Marathon in 11 hours, 19 minutes and 49 seconds, setting the record as the oldest woman to ever finish a marathon.

So the Honolulu, I think I looked into that when I thought I would just like my personality now as marathon runner. Because I thought that'd be pretty and scenic and stuff. But 11, okay, she's old. So like, I'm not criticizing her time, but like the one I ran, you had to do it in six hours or a bus would come and pick you up and take you to jail. So, yeah, not to jail. But yeah, yeah. I mean, people can't wait all day. I suppose, but you know, come on,

give me at least eight hours. But the Honolulu one might be longer. I don't know. I mean, it's not longer in terms of distance, obviously. Yeah, just take people longer. Okay, last one. Dr. Patricia Bath's lifelong mission was to fight blindness. She invented the laser fasso probe, which is a laser device for cataract surgery, becoming the first black woman in

the US to receive a medical patent. She was 45 years old. She was also the first woman to chair an off. I can't say it. Ophthalmology residency program in the US. Spell it. O-P-H. Ophthalmology. Ophthalmology, thank you.

I was like, ophthalmology. That's what we call our eye doctor, so I'm very used to saying that word. I'm going to the ophthalmologist. Yeah. Ophthalmology. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Those words usually, or those letters usually don't. Ophther. Yeah, I know. Yeah.

Those words usually, or those letters usually don't go in that order. That's very confusing. Yeah. Oh, dear. OK, well. What do you guys call your eye doctors? The blinky blinks.

Dr. Blinky Blink. Mr. Eyeball. That tracks. It's one of those weird things Americans ask you, right? We go to the opticians. Yeah, I mean, I think optician, optometrist, ophthalmologist, those are all different variations. I've never been to a specific eye doctor,

just to get my eyes tested, which is due, actually. That's why I can't see anything. Oh. When I was a kid, I had a consistent one. He was a very nice man, but yeah, it's kind of like having a primary care physician here where you kind of see the same person every time, but. Yeah, like a GP. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Would you like an am I the asshole? Nah. All right. Well, catch you next week. Bye.

Now lay it on me, baby. All right. Am I the asshole for snapping at my boyfriend when he wouldn't stop bragging about his size? No. Like size of his penis, his ego, his toxic masculinity. I'll explain more. Yeah, tell me everything. Oh, there's an update on this one now. How exciting. Toxic masculinity. I'll explain more. Yeah, tell me everything.

Oh, there's an update on this one now. How exciting. Okay, I'll do the original post first. Okay, this is actually the dumbest issue I think I've ever had. I've never used Reddit before, but I've seen them on TikTok. Okay, stop.

Reddit is pretty prolific, right? Do I expect that everyone knows or is super familiar or even uses Reddit? No. But this person, if I understand it, not a Reddit user and became familiar with Reddit through TikTok, the recently banned and then unbanned app. Yes. Okay. Thank you, TikTok, for your service. then unbanned app. Yes. Okay. Thank you TikTok for your service.

I mean, no shit. So this is literally me making this account to ask this stupid question. My boyfriend, male 27, and I, female 20. I mean, she's got the hang of that so far. Yeah. Ooh, seven year age difference, huh? Maybe date someone, well, you know, I guess girls mature faster than boys,

but it sounds like maybe you need to go older then. Yeah, try 40. Yeah, go on. Have been dating for just around six months now. Not very long. In the past two, we've started being intimate. Oh, they waited a while too. Yeah, they did a while too.

Yeah, they did. Well done for you. Good for you for not fucking on the first date. You're slag. Now for context, my boyfriend is not my first, but he is only the second person I've ever slept with and the first person I've slept with repeatedly. So in many ways, he's my first in a lot of things. So I noticed that during our first time, it was honestly quite painful. The penetration in the movement was cramping rather than anything pleasurable. And it made me have pain really deep in my stomach for about three hours afterwards.

I thought this might be a one-off thing and maybe I just needed more before stuff. So we tried again. Before stuff, I think she means foreplay. Foreplay. There's the before stuff, I think she means foreplay. Foreplay. There's the before stuff, there's the after stuff. There's the during stuff. The willy stuff and then the messy stuff. Oh, sorry. We don't talk about that.

So we tried again. Same thing. This proceeded to happen every time we slept together and eventually it worried me so much that I went to my doctor. My doctor told me that there was nothing wrong with my diagnosable. I think she means vagina. Except for bruising on my cervix that would go away on its own. Sounds like he's bad at sex.

Well, yeah. The doctor suggested what I thought more before. Before things. Well, before things. You had to like preheat the oven before you throw the stuff in. Exactly, man. You know. Come on.

He's 27, learn some shit. He also told, sorry, she also told me that sometimes people can be seriously just incompatible with sizes. I'm only 5'1 and she basically insinuated that my boyfriend's size is just too large for me. Of course, I went on a Google... Girl, then you don't go tell him that because that doesn't mean he's large. It just means he's too large for you. Yes. Of course, I went on a Google dive and told my boyfriend this. No. His reaction to be flattered. Was immense pride, right? Yep.

Quite literally so impressed with himself. And I have not heard the end of it. Jesus Christ. Every time we talk about it, he gets this dumb proud look on his face, like, yes, I'm so large, we have to do this different. He often brags about it to me in a subtle way, like I haven't been the one to point it out. Do you know I have a big dick? Do you know I'm too big for you? Right. And the worst part is he literally will not change the way we do it.

I've told him multiple times that slamming into me makes it so much worse. And he'll apologize and say, I forgot. Like that. He'll apologize and say, I forgot, as in he forgot about his size. He's so proud to say it. And I literally have not enjoyed sex with him one single time. So eventually I snapped on him. She didn't snap him, she snapped at him. He kept repeatedly thrusting into me like he does and it hurt so bad, causing me to snap when I normally wouldn't. I pushed him away rather hard and he was so offended. Tears immediately started

flowing and I told him to stop letting his dumb big ego get into his head and stop bragging about hurting me and his stupid size. He literally slammed the bathroom door in my face. It's the biggest fight we've ever had and I ended up apologizing and he accepted it. But honestly, the more I think about it, the less I feel like I was in the wrong. So what do you think? I get that size for men and maybe women too. It is a big deal. The point of him being prideful of it in no way, shape, or form is surprising to me just based on I think how men are with their genitals. So simultaneous to feeling pride, he should have also felt concern. Like that?

Yeah. Yeah, let's figure out a way so that we can be compatible, so it can be enjoyable for you too. He's clearly one of those guys who his partner's enjoyment of the experience either doesn't matter or he is of the belief that I think a lot of men derive from pornography, that you don't need to preheat the oven, that just slamming into someone and like no other stimulation is fine and like we're good to go. And so like he, I'm inclined to think probably it's both those things he doesn't care and or has the mistaken belief that that's like all women want. And I just, I'm concerned that his simultaneous or soon to be after his like, Oh, I have kind of a

big penis. Cool. Immediate responses. And like, did your doctor tell you anything about how we could maybe like make this better for you? He didn't care about that. And so I personally think like per having yet another painful experience with him and trying to read, like give him the opportunity to change and make it better for her. And he didn't like her snapping at him does not make her the asshole and she shouldn't have apologized. And his reaction, I think just kind of reinforces my belief that he's a selfish git. I agree.

Thank you. Slightly read the comments as well actually. I usually do. This top comment that I enjoy is, I think I would break up with a dude who took more pride in hurting me than mutually beneficial pleasure. He would literally rather injure

you to massage his ego. He's selfish, stupid, and he sucks at sex, and I definitely wouldn't reward his cervic pounding stupidity with your body anymore. You're a human, not a pocket pussy, and slamming the door in your face because he's mad that you got hurt because he's terrible at sex? I hope he's willing to change, but my prediction is that he'll continue to be an asshole considering you apologize to him. Mm-hmm. Next comment. He's perfectly okay with hurting OP each time they have sex, but oh, the horror being shoved aside for doing it again and again. Bet he wouldn't like his private parts to be hurt all the fucking time he has sex either stupid little shit and then everyone starts making suggestions

so better uh oh sorry he's a sadist demand to beat his balls before you do it. Better tie a string to them and every time it hurts, she pulls the string hard. Yeah, that's called conditioning. So, I mean, that is a psychological theory about, you know, reinforcing positive behaviors and punishing negative ones to get them to stop. This person says, I'm in favor of a large dildo and introducing them to stop. Yeah. So. This person says, I'm in favor of a large dildo and introducing him to some pegging. And so what I said, and brag often about how big the dildo is. Keep saying, behold. While holding it up and looking at him.

No lube, no preheating. Yeah, just. Shove it in. Okay, update. No, no, preheating. Yeah, just... Shove it in. Mm-hmm. Okay, update. It says, I think I can put an update here. You can, you have succeeded. Well done. Some people in the comments asked,

it's been nine hours since I posted this and I am just so severely overwhelmed and saddened by what everyone has to say, though I am extremely grateful. I decided to talk to him about this using the frame of I'm genuinely almost at my wit's end. He listened to everything I had to say, in brackets, which was basically what everyone here had told me to say, and he said he understood, was so sorry and we genuinely do better. He went on to explain that our issues per se, I guess you mean sex, per sex have been exclusive to me and that's why he got all proud of himself. He told me he's now developed this kink, I guess, which is why he is forgetting and getting carried away, I guess. I don't know.

We didn't talk about it for that long because it sounded like an excuse. Nevertheless, he has agreed to genuinely try. I think I'm going to give it one more chance. Thanks to everyone who commented. You have no idea how unexpected and how helpful you have been. So I mean, fingers crossed he stops being an asshole. So if I understand it correctly, talk and because it didn't impact him, it was hard for him to care. And he developed a kink of basically preferring to feel like the big porn star who can just like rail someone as hard as he wants and assume either they enjoy it or don't care that they enjoy it.

Even when she says it really, really hurts. Yeah. And like how it feels for her afterwards. And that's his kink now. Okay. You sound cool. I'm just gonna drink my coffee and my mom business. I love this comment. Give him a BJ and accidentally bite down a little bit.

Say, sorry, my teeth are so big. I just couldn't help it. So many good ideas. So many good ideas. Or, you know, alternatively, she can just be like, you know, I kind of enjoy things more on my own, to be honest. Yeah, and there were loads of comments of people with like in a similar situation. And they were like, look, we had the same thing when I started sleeping with my husband. This person, so my husband and I had the same problem when we first got together and it's worse certain times of the month when he's literally beating my cervix. Do you know how we fix this problem? Oh that hurts! He said my bad, let's avoid this position and every once in a while I try to be spicy and get in one of those positions and he'll stop me and go nope I'm not

hurting you again. It stays in my husband's mind that his size hurts me sometimes and he'll stop me and go, nope, I'm not hurting you again. It stays in my husband's mind that his size hurts me sometimes and he literally stays vigilant about it. OP's boyfriend is a fucking asshole. Yeah. Yep, not the asshole, he sucks. Yeah. Basically. I suspect they probably broke up.

Yeah, I reckon that's on the cards. At least I hope so, because I suspect probably the broke up. Uh, yeah. I reckon that's on the cards. At least I hope so, because I suspect probably the last chance was not, yeah, effective. Well, there we have it. Another problem solved. World saved. Another vagina saved from ruinous men. Let's all just become spinsters. Let's weave some twine. And become financially independent. So we don't need no man.

We don't need no man. No, we don't. And then become like Tina Turner. Simply the best. Meow, meow, meow, meow. Yes. Well that was way less gross than the last Am I the asshole so thank you for that. Still upsetting. We got to finish you know your career as a guidance counselor which is good because I'd been waiting on the edge of my seat to learn what happens.

With bated breath. With bated breath. And you know, we will see how things go today in my neck of the woods, and maybe have lots to talk about next time we meet. Yes, indeed. I hope all is well. I hope... Oh no, I wasn't gonna say that but I'm not gonna say that out loud. Probably don't, they'll come after me. But I hope, I hope it goes smoothly. We'll talk about it next time, I guess.

Just ignore it, it's not happening. Yeah, I do think I'm gonna maybe try to learn how to dissociate. Yeah. Just go and celebrate MLK. Okay. Go shopping. Go get a coffee. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm here for.

Well, thank you. And I hope you have a wonderful day waiting for your laborers with the dogs. Dear listeners, in the meantime, you can find us on social media, tsybpod. You can write to us at Talkshit2us at gmail.com for all your comments, feedback, praise, the donations you want to contribute to us, asking for advice and reinforcing our perspectives. Yeah, we don't have a Patreon yet, but if you do want to send us money, we'll send you PayPal details. It's not a problem. Yeah, totes. Totes my goats.

But yeah, we're at Tsybpod. You can email us also at Talkshittousatgmail.com. I did just say that. Did you? I have disassociated. It's not bad to repeat things. I think that's how people remember stuff. That's how advertising gets you. You've got to hear it.

You've got to see it. Tsybpod for you. Talk shit to us at Gmail2. Nice, nice, nice. I'm going to turn that into a jingle and we'll just pop it at the beginning of every episode. Well, we could probably do it better. T-S-Y-B, pod for you. Talk sh- to us at gmail2. Well, until next time. Until next time.

Good talking shit with you. And you. Be safe. Stay strong. Maybe. Yes. Go strong. No.

Yes. All right. Bye. Bye. All right, bye!