Talking Shit with a Yank & a Brit - 16. Flavour of Ones Labium Superius Oris

Episode Date: July 13, 2023

This week we're talking rapping, lyrics in legal form, a cult & monster in law updates and some bizarre encounters!Get it touch with the pod at [e-mail] or on Instagram, Twitter or TikTok @TSYBPODIf you fancy giving us a review, rating and follow, you know what to do!

Yo, listen up, here's a podcast worth a hit, talking shit with a yank and a Brit, that's legit, we're breaking boundaries, making waves with our chat, bringing laughter, insights, and a dose of sass, just like that. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I hated that just so much. I have to say, I'm not going to have a rap career anytime soon. I really enjoyed it, actually. Thanks. I think you could be the next.

Yep, I went there. Yep. Please don't kill me for saying that. I did not mean it. Well, that was a spicy intro. I enjoyed it. Thank you. Thank you for showing us your rap talents.

I mean, I feel like I can do gin and juice very much okay, but still very much white woman. Yeah it's quite white when you do it. I try to not be but... You're white so... I can't help it. Can't help it. In case it wasn't clear by the intro this is talking shit with the ink and a bread.

Hello everyone thanks for coming back. Welcome if you're new. it wasn't clear by the intro this is talking shit with the ink and a bread hello everyone thanks for coming back welcome if you're new if you are new please come back i promise i won't do that again and if uh if you're liking what you hear week in week out it would be marvelous if you could you know give the pod a little, click the download button or the subscribe button. Give us a review and a rating because it really helps spread the word and get this wonderful, topical, marvellous bonanza out to people far and wide. We'd appreciate it. Thank you. out to people far and wide we'd appreciate it thank you yeah i think just think about if you're enjoying it it would be like a really kind thing for you to share that love yeah it would make it would make us feel so good yeah Yep. Where is the love? That's a good song.

So how are you? I am good. I'm quite tired, hungover. I say apologies if I can't speak because my brain isn't working. You know, compliments to you for, like, still looking gorgeous. Thank you so much. Despite this thing. Fuck you, I hate you.

Looking quite, uh, wow. Gorgeous. gorgeous thank you so much fuck you i hate you looking quite uh well gorgeous rough mate to be honest got that post-alcohol rosy face well i mean it works i if i could look rough like that, I would be happy. But my rough is like, if I were lit on fire, rolled in garbage, run over by a truck, and then ultimately tarred and feathered, that is me. And that's like, just kind of a general day. Like if I were hungover, then you would think I was like, I don't know, Nosferatu. Can confirm. I have no idea. Okay. So it sounds like you had a good weekend though.

Yeah, it was good. How was yours? Well, let's see. I ran a marathon and I volunteered immediately after feeding children who are hungry. And then I quickly developed a cure for male pattern baldness. Oh. And finally just like, you know, went on a cruise. Just relax. Pretty chill then.

Yeah. Just a chill one for me. It was fine. I didn't do anything because I'm lame. I had to do some work yesterday. And then, you know, we got kind of poorly cat and i had to take care of her oh little lucy yeah but she's doing okay i think well you don't know but fingers crossed yeah i've got my fingers and tears crossed for you i went to a play on friday night

oh say more it was really good it's called called Pillow Man. And it's got Lily Allen in it. And some other people. I can't remember their names. Who cares? Yeah. You'd recognize them from like, you might not actually because they're in like British shows. But very funny.

Very dark. Clever. But I think you have to have a certain sense of humor to like it because quite a few people left during the interview. Not quite a few, but some people sort of sitting around us left. So it sounds super up my alley then. Yeah. Yeah.

You would have loved it. It's really good. Yeah. It's really good fun. Nice to go up to London though. It was boiling hot and smelly as we've decided yeah it was smelly in the air tastes horrible is that a fart

it's the fart of a million people. It was funny actually though because we got off at Charing Cross, right? And as you come out of Charing Cross there's Coots Bank. I've never noticed Coots Bank. It is not called Coots Bank.

It is. But C-O-U-u-t-t okay perfect and it's basically it's it's a it's a bank for rich people essentially you have i think you have to have like 1.5 million to bank there and you have to have like 3 million in assets Oh, easy. I can bank at all of the locations. Yep. And outside, ironically, were a couple of homeless people sleeping outside this bank. And then we walked sort of past and down and round towards the side of the building. And there's a food bank there for people in need of a food I just thought isn't this the most ironic fucking thing you've ever seen in your life yeah it is it's crazy that's the world we live in folks you know I feel like been to London so many times I don't think I've ever really noticed any

homeless or transient people but there are several cities where there are many including where I live and then where I went to college there were a lot and it took a long time for me to like not just give them all my money yeah and not that I have any problem with doing that. It's just more like I actually need this money too. Yeah. So. Sorry, I do, but I'm also quite poor. But it's sad. It is a big problem in our country.

And I know we're not the only country with probably a significant homeless population, but it is ironic. I mean, we're just having a nap outside the rich people bank and yeah food shelf around the corner and yeah it's crazy i hear it's really bad in america actually in like la and san francisco places like that yeah it is isn't it in some states it's illegal to be homeless they can't help it mate yeah i think it's so it's not like straight up i'm pretty sure there could very well be like texas could very well have a law that's just like you can't be homeless but i think it's more like indirectly like things that homeless people do or experience they criminalize so that they can in effect it is criminalizing

homelessness just like yeah you know you could say that law isn't racist but when you apply it it actually is you know yeah i get you things are great i'm really well over there yep each time all right so play um obviously had some drinks at some point and you i think you said you did some paddle boarding which is fun i love paddle boarding how would you do pretty good you good at it pretty fun didn't fall in so that's a bonus yeah that's fun so I like this little river loop. We had a good chinwag and paddled around on the boats, you know. Fun. I had major FOMO when you told me you were doing that, so.

Yeah, I would say you should do it when you come over, but it'll probably be really chilly then. We'll do it sometime when it's nice, or if you come here when it's nice, because we can just go down to the lake and rent some. That'd be fun. Yeah, it let's and so good for you good for the really it yeah my feet nothing else really hurts but my feet i think i'm just like super is it because you were like gripping them with your toes so hard my feet really hurt i need to work on strengthening my feet. Did you wear shoes?

Yeah, I've got little water shoes. Maybe do it without the water shoes. Or set them in front of you. Maybe. If I fall off, then they're going in. Well, but if they're water shoes, it's okay. They should float.

That's true. Good thinking. I don't know. I'm it's okay. They should float. Oh, that's true. Good thinking. I don't know. I'm just trying to problem solve for you. Maybe cut off your feet. Just be stumps. Okay. So we have quite an agenda today.

I'm just looking at it again. We do, yeah. Why don't you start with the the updates yes stories so i meant to tell this last week there's a couple actually but we completely forgot and got completely sidetracked by all the other hilarity that ensued as as we do as we do but yeah so um obviously my mom listened well not obviously but my mom listened to our podcast where we talked about cults and scientology um and i was on the phone to her and she was like oh did you know that i nearly got involved with scientology

and i was like what tell me everything So I actually took notes. It's very academic of you. It starts with mum involved in Scientology. So. Got it. So when I was about seven or eight, we moved from Sutton, which was in Surrey at the time, but it's now in Greater London. And we moved to East Grinstead, which is where the UK Scientology HQ is. And so she basically she was shopping in East Grinstead one day.

basically she was shopping in East Grinstead one day and they've got a shop there like an office on the high street or they used to, I don't know if they do now and obviously they have the Scientologist standing outside with clipboards asking people to do the personality

test ask me about our cold well they play it as do you want to do like a quiz on your personality and you'll find out loads of cool stuff and then we can give you some like stuff to help you out in your life and help you develop and grow so she started speaking to them um they asked about her life and at the time mum was going through sort of a bit of transition because we just moved away from where she grew up and all her friends to like a completely new area and she she had you as a daughter yeah exactly given up her job and so she was a bit you know in this

area of not really sure what's going on and feeling a bit unsure so they asked her to do the questionnaire um and it can give you like guidance and stuff like that so she did it then i think like a few days later they phoned her back and said that the answers that you'd given show that you could benefit from some sort of therapies and stuff that yeah that we offer so you should come to the hq oh and they'd also given her the um the book the dia dianetics book is that what it is let me just check oh yeah it is good job yeah so it's a dianetics book by L. Ron Hubbard, who is... From 1950. Yeah. And he's the founder of Scientology. So they gave her that book.

And at the time, she'd sort of been meditating and was like looking into Buddhism and stuff like that. So this seemed quite exciting because it was all kind of, you know, self-helpy, orientated and stuff like that. A community too. I could see if she didn't have a network there, like this would a way to develop it that's how they get you exactly so she went along to the hq um and she said it's like a really weird place it's like a modern castle like it's huge um she said it's very strange there's like a fizzing energy there like when you go inside it's very weird and there's like people walking around in like uniforms with like chains on and stuff which are like I can think you know the Sea Org uniforms

so in my story I'll talk about that too but Sean's mom compared them to like they kind of look like flight attendants a little bit yeah yeah so that's what they look like. So she made an appointment, went to the appointment, and was sitting in this big lobby hall. And so the lady that was doing her appointment was 20 minutes late, which she thought was weird because she was like, you're meant to be improving my life. Yeah, you asked me here. You're meant to be improving my life, and you're 20 minutes late. And she said the first thing the woman said to her was, oh, my God, you're 20 minutes late and she said the woman the first

thing the woman said to her was oh my god you look amazing i wish i was you and mum was like that was an immediate red flag because good yeah she was like well like again you're meant to be telling me how wonderful your life is and how scientology can improve your life and yeah this woman was like I wish I was you so bizarre she was like okay I suppose that would work on some people though yeah maybe like really insecure people yeah yeah yeah but I'm glad your mom saw through that yeah um so this woman said that you basically what you do for the first sort of appointment is you go into a session with someone who's also starting out in Scientology. And you ask each other questions to basically learn about each other and disclose information about your life and where you can need improvement and things like that but she said but we don't have the questionnaire with us today so what you're going to need to do is book another appointment and that'll be another 50 quid

um someone was like okay weird um but all right and she says you sort of get like drawn into it if you know what i mean like they're very obviously persuasive and just say like this is how it is and that's what you need to do someone was like okay fine i'll i'll do that and wrote her a check for the 50 quid they also then had a family fun day so we went as a family to the hq i've been there. Do not remember this. You blocked it out. Yeah. I mean, it was probably just another day out for me as a kid. I didn't realize where we were. But apparently my dad wasn't very happy about it. He's like, you just brought us all to Scientology. Okay, cool. But she said, she started looking into it because obviously that woman gave her the heebie-jeebies.

She said at the time, obviously, the internet wasn't really around. So she went to the library and was trying to do some research on them. I mean, bless her. She really was dedicated. And that's what you had to do, I guess. Yeah. Thank God she fucking did. So she started looking into it, went to the library, did some research, was reading some

books about Scientology and couldn't really get much information about it because obviously it hadn't really been exposed back then. Because this would have been like the 90s. Yeah. Yeah. But she did find a couple of books and she said there was, she couldn't find anything good about it. And there were like mentions of coercive control and things like that. So she ended up cancelling the appointment, cancelled the check that she wrote for them and got the fuck out of there, basically.

Deuces. So, yeah. Had my mum not been switched on on as she is we could have been a scientology family by now pivotal moment in her life where things could have looked a lot different yeah it is yeah um and she also mentioned that so east gr Grinstead and Forest Row. So Forest Row is like a little village, sort of just outside of East Grinstead. Apparently has one of the biggest mixes of religious groups and cults anywhere in the world for that small area. So that's interesting. Tax purposes.

So that's interesting. Tax purposes. Well, in Forest Row, it's a very spiritual kind of hippie village. Very holistic. And it's a really cool place, actually. Apart from all the cults, obviously. So when we come over and we go by the Scientology, should we go there too and see if anybody's trying to put us in a cult and see if we fall for it I love Forrester I'd love to live there this is a really cool place but apparently it's where loads of ley lines meet and lots of

stuff like that so ley lines um yeah so ley lines are lines in the earth. I'm going to get a description because I'm full. Oh, okay. So we're talking about kind of like a thing of nature that maybe people put a lot of like power and spirituality into? Yeah, so they're ancient straight lines in the landscape which are believed to have spiritual significance. Okay.

Basically. Never heard of that. so they have there's loads like all the ley lines that come through england meet in glastonbury so that's why glastonbury's a very sort of spirit and that's kind of near stonehenge too right yeah um yeah so stonehenge is all part of it and obviously the glastonbury, which is the big tower on top of like, there's like a spirally hill. That's apparently built right on top of where all the ley lines meet. Was that intentional? Apparently so, yeah.

Okay, cool. Didn't know that. So yeah, could have been an occult. I mean, I feel like they must have, I mean, they, they stop everybody. So chances are, they're going to probably like get lucky sometimes, but like, how do they have a sense of when people are like vulnerable or like just kind of more open? Because like you said, your mom was in a period of transition. She thought maybe she was kind of like needing something. And it's just like they, I feel like they clock onto that.

So yes, you're right that your mom is a smart lady and was able to pick up on that as soon as she kind of got into it, you know, because I do feel like, again, that's not what a lot of people do, particularly if they're vulnerable. I know we talked last time about like, you time about people who don't have many friends are kind of isolated, maybe feeling insecure, low self-esteem, and need a sense of community. That's how they draw people in. I imagine what they do, because I've been approached by them in Brighton before, and they're kind of just very salesman like do you know what i mean but very

bubbly and kind of charismatic and they want you know you to do this personality quiz it's going to be amazing you're going to find out all this stuff about you and then probably within that quiz that helps them establish whether people are vulnerable yeah the type of so they do it and it's like something they don't want they're just like you're kind of an idiot here you go bye yeah hi then interesting I I feel like I would be inclined like especially now that I know this and this is their mo if that ever I would be like yeah and then I would like just like totally fuck with the my answers you know yeah should we go and do it when you come over

yeah I think we should it'd be interesting so I'm up for it and then we might get invited to the HQ we can have a nose about and then if we end up in like if we end up in a room with someone who's Tom Cruise supposedly new well maybe but you know if we have to go sit in a room with someone who's also like joining first of all I wonder if that person's a plant, but second of all, I would also just be like, what's your shoe size? What's your favorite food? What don't you like about me? Just random questions.

That'd be great. So just a quick one. My mother-in-law shared a quick story with me about her own experience. Debbie? Yeah, good old Debbie. Like I think she said it was maybe a decade or 13 years ago with her then partner. He apparently part of his job was delivering stuff to Scientology. Like I think he delivered things. So he had to go there sometimes and he invited her along.

And I just, it makes me laugh because I can see him saying this to her, but I also could very much see someone saying this to me where he's like, okay, we're going to go inside. Do not laugh. And I was like, yeah, I bet it would be hard not to and so she'd like she's like okay and she said she walked in and was looking around and it was really beautiful and i guess i would expect that because they probably spent a ton of money to make it that way but she saw there was like this wall that had like all this imagery on it of the symbol and the placard below it said like measuring god like this is how we measure god and apparently that just like cracked her shit up and her partner was like stop and she was trying to describe the

symbol to me so i just like kind of googled it to see if i could get it because she was like it's like a crossbow or like a like a violin but like an elect yeah this is this i think she said she thinks that's what it was or something like that and it's like how they measure they use that to measure god i don't know um but she said also just like the people were weird there they're all wearing flight attendant like uniforms or pilot uniforms and they all kind of had these weird smiles on their face and that's when i was like they're like this help Help me. They're screaming with their eyes. Yeah.

She didn't mention like the buzzing or the vibrations in the air, just like the air kind of fizzling. And it makes me wonder if they like have something that manufactures that. So it feels like when you walk in, there's some sort of energy, but it's fake. Yeah, maybe. Crazy. I can't wait to go. We will describe our adventures afterwards but if you don't hear from us following that that's because we are now in scientology yeah please come and rescue us

more stories out there send send them in i feel like it's probably more likely coming from you know, the folks in Britain or maybe other countries, because I don't even know where the big ones are here, but I'm guessing probably the big cities. New York. Yeah, LA. Baby Chicago.

Oh, fuck, no, I don't think there's one here in Minnesota. There might be. Correct me if I'm wrong, folks. It's probably little ones. I'll go find it if there is. Yeah. We have an update, an email update. Ooh.

Do you want to hear it? Yeah. It's from our friend who wrote a while back about her evil stepmother. Ah, I remember. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm going to just, let's see. Cause I haven't really fully read it yet. Hello again, you beautiful creatures thought you would enjoy an update on my horde soon to be monster in law. So last week, my fiance had lunch with their

father and during this lunch with me and her situation was brought up basically she made me out to be the bad person on christmas to anyone she has spoken to saying she had asked me a harmless question to entertain the kiddos that is not what happened she never asked me to do anything but continually demanded i do things parenthetical not even my own mother does that as i am a grown ass woman and when she had me in earshot, she'd make rude comments about me and also say awful and hateful things about minorities, women who have been sexually assaulted and people in the LGBTQ plus community.

Wow, she sounds like a class A cunt. A hundred percent. Our writer says, I'm a vocal supporter of all these groups and fit into at least one of those categories. I feel like probably a lot of people do my fiance's father stated that she had just asked me a question and didn't understand why that had made me so upset and then asked my fiance if i started drinking problematically and that's why i was acting that way parenthetical i literally had one glass of wine when they were still there compared to the cunts almost two bottles. Thankfully, my fiance stuck up for me stating that that was not what

happened and she purposely does and says shit to and around me to try to make me and my reaction to her look bad while she continues in her mind to look like a great person. His father sat silent and neither confirmed nor denied what my fiancé said. But apparently the look on his face was all my fiancé needed to know that his father knew what was up. Eventually his father stated that, as things are right now, she does not want to come to the wedding,

which my fiancé replied with, as it is now, we don't want her there. Yay! Whoop whoop whoop! Problem solved! Hopefully. Alright, there's a little more flash forward to the weekend while chatting with fiance's brother and he mentioned to me that their father and the step monster called him after the lunch date and actively tried to get brother to talk shit about me to them he told me they kept asking things along the lines of what do you actually think

about her he told them that he thinks i'm a wonderful person who he and his girlfriend love hanging out with and that he is so excited for me to be an official member of the family and according to him when he said this he could hear the cunt audibly huffing and storming off and then the phone call concluded after wow while the with the fourth of july or happy treason day you ungrateful colonists tell me up it's a good one fiance sister is planning to come visit and there is most likely going to be a get together at the parents home I have told my fiance that I will not be attending if step monster will be there but we shall see how that actually ends up as I do not I do want to see sister and kiddos who

knows perhaps I'll have more stories by the end of next week for you oh yes oh yeah send us more if you have fun oh yeah sorry about all the parentheses most of my thoughts come with bonus content now that's how i write i dig it so wow okay she sounds like a psychopath genuinely like who are the adults in this situation no shit well they all are but like they're also parents too so like like ringing up the brother to like actively try and get them just to say shit about them i mean come on that's high school behavior it is the only thing that would have made it better slash worse is if they had done some sort of like freeway call. Yeah. I'm listening, guys. I can hear every word you're saying. Oh, shit.

Well, I'm happy to hear that she is kind of uninvited herself from the wedding, though it sounds like that also means maybe father-in-law is not going to join, which is too bad. But I also feel like he's maybe picked his side. Yeah, it sounds like it. I know if he's important, but if he's being that way and engaging in the shit she's pulling, then maybe no harm done there if he doesn't come too. Still a lot of drama, though. Once she gets ostracized from the rest of the family, then she's probably going to direct her hate towards him.

So I feel sorry for him yep you've made your bed mate now you gotta lie in it totally and also you're not in high school anymore grow up yeah but yeah congratulations on her not coming to the wedding i mean i can imagine her turning like, the week before the wedding and being like, I wasn't invited. Yeah. Yeah. Or somehow, like, using that as a reason to continue to be a bitch. Yeah.

Too. Like, you think that might be. She'll use it as ammo. Or, you know, I guess this could maybe isn't a bad thing, but, like, probably will just no longer be invited to their home which I didn't want to go anyways yeah what a shame it still is a shitty situation though because it's you know fiance's dad and like it's just that's always hard it's like the one birthday am I the asshole where the person didn't want to be with his family but he still went and anyway um yeah keep us updated on anything that changes i mean the fourth was last week so i expect some emails yeah give us some more updates we love hearing from you

anybody else got family drama they want right on the air and have some commentary on, send it in. This is a safe place. Do you want to play another game? Yes. Okay. So we had fun last time with the song game we did and i look forward to the day i can really fail at that yeah i'm building but i good uh because i think it's fun to just suck at stuff live and where everybody can see it. So I came across a TikTok a long time

ago called the 702 firm. And I think just because I, you know, am of the legal field and used to practice law, I enjoyed this. Like they basically have one of the lawyers in the firm turn lyrics from a song into legalese, so to speak. I really think it's more just like, I'm going to, I'm going to change the words to reflect the meaning, but it's going to sound a little more complicated than the actual lyrics. And then people have to try to figure out what the song is. And so I just, to give them credit,

I use the ones that they did. So it's 702 firm on TikTok. But then I also, if you like it, I created two of my own because it's kind of hard, actually. Fantastic. So if you're up for it, I'll make you some. Let's play. So I have to guess what the song is, right? You have to guess what the song is.

Yeah. Cool. Okay, I'm ready. First one. I personally require a male protagonist. This person must arrive, however, before the subsequent dawn. The prerequisite for this person are as follows. Physical prowess, extraordinary speed, and recent it returned from a prior physical altercation.

Okay. I have no idea. Break it down. I personally require a male protagonist. Okay, so a man. Which? Before dawn. Or? In the morning. which before dawn or

in the morning well before the morning right so at night i guess at night okay yeah but going back to the first part i personally require what does that mean i need a male protagonist i need a man so if it's a male protagonist means like the good guy so i need a no this is hard i know it is because i when i watch these i was like i don't know what the fuck that is but so i need a good man or a good guy. Yeah, you're getting there. Another word for a good guy. Maybe someone who saves the day. A hero. I need a hero.

I'm a hero till the end of the night. Oh, yeah, end of the night. He's got to be strong. He's got to be fast. He's got to be fresh from the fight. Yep, that's it. It's larger than fast. Gotta be fresh from the fight. Yep. That's it. It's larger than life.

That's another misheard lyric. Oh, really? Well, I think that is another part of the song. So I think you're good. Yeah. Okay, good. But recently returned from a prior physical altercation. All right.

So now you've kind of got it down. You have to like take it by piece. Right? Right. Yeah. I'm with you. So this one might be easier maybe not okay permission is granted heretofore to gyrate rhythmically of your own volition while

concurrently departing from your so-called colleagues indeed these acquaintances refuse to gyrate rhythmically sorry Sorry. And in doing so, compel me to disavow them as associates of my own good luck. Oh God. Okay. Read it to me again. Break it down. Okay.

Permission is granted heretofore to gyrate rhythmically of your own volition while concurrently departing from your so-called colleagues. Okay. So I'm allowed to dance once I leave work. So close. Of your own volition? So... I don't know. Permission is granted, which means basically someone is telling you that.

Someone is telling me that I am allowed to shake my booty. You look so excited. So second part part then. Keep that kind of in your mind, okay? Indeed, these acquaintances refuse to gyrate rhythmically. So my friends don't want to shake their booty. To shake. Put it all together just for say it out loud

so someone's told me that i'm allowed to shake it or in other words dance right to dance someone told me i'm allowed to dance but my friends don't want to dance um fuck because your friends don't want to dance in doing so compel me to disavow them as associates the fuck does disavow mean? Basically, like, reject. Okay. All I can think of is the Scissor Sisters song. I don't feel like dancing. You're on the right track.

You're so close. Hi. Do you want me to tell you? Yeah. You can dance if you want to. You can leave your friends behind. Because your friends don't dance. And if they don't dance, well, they're no friends of mine.

They're no friends of mine. Yep. You were so close. Oh, that's great. Okay, here's a much shorter one. So you don't have to take it as many pieces. Too much brain work. shorter one. So you don't have to take it as many pieces. Too long. I have a brain work.

I'm disinclined to speculate that her interests are solely financially motivated, notwithstanding the foregoing. History has demonstrated her aversion to those without means. She a gold digger. Good job!

Yep. Okay. This one's a little harder it's a little longer anyways okay during the pedestrian-like traversal between two mountain ranges cloaked in an aura of the unliving i engage in a period of self-reflection and come to the invariable conclusion that there lacks any meaningful substance. This is the natural consequence of expelling firearms and engaging to such a degree of merriment that even my matriarchal birth giver questions my sanity. I think I've got it. As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death. I take a look at my life and realize there's nothing left. Cause I've been, yeah. Yep.

Pretty much. I mean, you got, yeah, that's the song. It's the part where I look, I take a look at my life and realize, oh, I didn't write it all out. Fuck. Well, you got it. But basically that even my mama thinks I'm insane or whatever. My mama thinks that my mind is gone, but I never crossed a man. I'm a good rapper as well.

Fuck. There we go. A couple more. You up for it still? Yeah. Okay. I like it when I get them. Yeah.

Well, you've done actually quite good. I'm impressed. Thank you. In the event that your emotional state is devoid of any iota of melancholy and you retain a cognizant awareness of that state, collide the distal ends of your upper extremities. God. With your hands in the air.

It's a more simple song than that in the event your emotional state is devoid of any iota of melancholy so when you're happy and you retain a cognizant your hands yep nice job Yep. Nice job. Okay. So these are the two that I wrote. Okay. I don't think I'm probably as good, so I apologize. With the flavor of one's labium superius iris, I've become submerged. With the flavor of a venom haven, I've become dependent to one. Are you not cognizant that you're noxious? Okay, again.

I need that one again. With the flavor of one's labium superius iris, I've become submerged. With the flavor of a venom haven, I've become dependent to one. Are you not cognizant that you're noxious this is like shakespeare kate thank you so with the flavor i mean when you first said the word that sounds like labia i thought you were talking about vaginas yep yep so think about, what are, what vaginas and another part of our body have in common? Well, like, so there's parts to our vagina. I'm going to explain anatomy to you real quick.

And so there's the vulva, which also is known as the vagina. We have two of them on two different parts of our body what we have two vulvas no what are you talking about just another word for a part of our vagina that is like more like more basic but we also have them on another part of our body fanny mouth lips you got that all on your own great job okay so you figure that out With the flavor of one's lips, I've become submerged. So with the flavor of one's lips,

I am drowning. Or when you are submerged, like you're doing a thing. You're doing a thing. A dance? Okay, skip that. So with the flavor of one's lips. With the flavor of a venom haven. A venom haven?

Mm-hmm. Another word for venom. Poison? Another word for haven poison hate another word for haven i can't think of another fucking word for haven i think it was haven holidays maybe haven was a bad word um god i'm trying to think of another word for it with the with the flavor of a venom shangri-la

like a really nice place that people will like call a place because it's like really beautiful and peaceful. So like a refuge? Yeah, but it's more... Say that again? Sanctuary. You're getting there, but it's like people think of like Hawaii or like really tropical places. Like a beach.

People will call beaches that like you know it's kind of like oh i want to go on holiday because it's really like it's like a blank there exotic getting there keep going tropical peaceful sunny oasis you're so close imagine like laying on you know a chair people are fanning you and feeding you grapes and you'd say ah this is bloody lovely or it is a paradise so with the flavor of a poison paradise, I've become dependent to one. Oh. Fuck, poison paradise.

Are you not cognisant that you're noxious? I don't know. With the taste of your lips slipping under I should have got that I should have got it well I also recognise that I wrote this and I'm dumb so

it was beautifully written I've got one more do it this is probably going to be hard but I know you know the song shit okay It was beautifully written. I've got one more. Do it. This is probably going to be hard, but I know you know the song. Shit. Okay. Choose to have it or not, otherwise pay no mind.

Trapped in a mania, this is merely a stage. Alternatively, could this be everlasting? Do you not recognize the excessive speed at which this travels? Rushing vigorously to an extent it will expire. Are you aware? How are you so blind? Become leisurely. Study the cues to understand the direction you're heading in.

All right, we're going to have to break this one down. Choose to have it or not. Otherwise, pay no mind. Genuinely, you should write poems. It's's really beautiful i don't know what it means well if i can just rip off people's songs but i don't know so if you're choosing to have it or not there's like a common phrase that's kind of goes like that is similar to that is there so like if you have it or not or not you could either give it or take it away have it or not have it yep like if it's kind of like i don't know man this is what you get either take it or leave it yep otherwise. Otherwise, pay no mind.

Otherwise, pay no mind. Or basically... Don't worry. Give up. Give up. Close. So take it or leave it or... Throw it away. Okay, we'll move on.

Well, because you're kind of there, so maybe if you get the rest of it i think you'll figure it out trapped in a mania trapped stuck in a nightmare close sometimes when people when mania is like another word for a breakdown you know and if someone's having a breakdown we might say they're crazy so trapped in a crazy it's not quite the right word but you're close that's another word for trapped stuck or like i got blank in a net caught caught in a crazy caught in a fuck i've nearly got this one kate um um sometimes when people say oh it's just It's just a stage she's going through.

Parents love to say it about kids. So caught in a crazy, this is merely a stage, or this is merely a... I don't know. Okay. I'm struggling. You want me to tell you? No. Caught in a murder murder no escape from reality no close though trapped in a craze is the actual are caught in a craze

and then what i wrote is this is merely a stage so if you're thinking about like... Stage. It's not a permanent thing. It's a phase. Caught in a craze. It's just a phase. Caught in a craze. Could this be everlasting? Or will this be around forever? Do you recognize the excessive speed at which this travels?

Yep. What song? Stop right now. Thank you. Thank you very much. Yeah. So that's it they were really good uh you should give it a go sometime i will try yeah right next step

i'm doing the lyrics game for you and i'll do them as well can't wait to not get any right because my brain doesn't work ever oh god that was fun a lot of brain power i wonder because i was told after when people were listening to our last episode and they were like playing along they were like I just want to play and I'm like getting them all wrong or I'm getting them right and I'm yelling at my whatever device I'm listening to this on great I love that I love to hear it yep play along at home guys let us know how many you get right yeah are you as slow as I am well when I like I bet if you were actually reading them, too, like if you were maybe next time we shared the words so we could read them together, that might be easier

because I'm sitting here looking at them. Yeah. Yeah. That's it. Once you've reached the end, I've forgotten what you said at the beginning. I know. So I saw this thing i think it was on instagram where it's a really cool would you rather is it would you rather uh i think

well it's kind of a would you do this? Okay, so. Yeah, I think it's like if you would take this, this is the consequence, right? Yeah. Would you take it then, right? Yeah, so. Okay, go on. If someone came up to you and offered you $100 million or pounds, whatever you prefer,

but the catch is that for the rest of your life, there's a snail following you. And if that snail touches you, just for a second, you die. You're taking the money. So I saw this and the other caveat is, or like addition to it and correct me if I'm wrong. Wasn't it something like this, the snail's sole purpose in life is to find you. Never stop looking for you. And it always knows where you're at. Yeah. Right. Okay.

I kind of want to hear your, go ahead. I want to hear what you do first. I kind of want to hear your... Go ahead. I want to hear what you would do first. I'd 100% take the money. Okay. So, like, how would you live your life then? Well, I'm a fucking multi-millionaire. I'll just fly to different countries.

Snails can't swim. What's it going to do? Do we know that for sure? There are underwater snails, actually. Maybe the snail's smart enoughen up on a boat. But it would take a long time. You can't kill the snail either, right? I think that's another thing.

No, you can't kill the snail. Yeah. So for those listening at home. I mean, yeah, I'd just go to Australia for like a few months. And then I'd go somewhere else. Also, you could hire someone to watch out for the snail. If you had all that money. I imagine after a few

years it would probably would get pretty tiresome. And you might get a little bit paranoid that there's this fucking snail following you everywhere. Any snail you saw. Also, how big is the snail? Is it like a little snail? Is it one of those giant African snails? Honestly, I prefer it to be a bigger snail because then you can see it. I do think it's just an average snail, but don't have enough information. So was it like an immediate yes for you

or did you think about it? It was pretty immediate because I was like, well, snails are really slow. I could walk away from that fucker pretty fast. It's like, oh shit, my snail's here. I actually got to go, guys. I got to go, yeah. That little thing touches me. That slime's on me. away from that fucker pretty fast it's like oh shit my snail's here i gotta i actually gotta go guys i gotta go yeah that little thing touches me that slimes on me i'm dead i'm dead um interesting because i did not immediately in fact my i think my initial reaction was probably not really and i

think it's more like do i want to live a life where I'm constantly like looking over my shoulder for this fucking snail and I love snails whenever I come to England that is like one of my favorite things is to find the snails yes I fucking love them they're so cute and so also like now I have to dread snails so I thought about that but I read some of the comments and I was like okay that's fair so my decision to ultimately take the money was based on what other people's like one of which is like hire someone to watch the snail there's nothing that says you can't build a big old like box and like building and keep the snail contained and have it monitored and then some of us were like well this so like it doesn't say you can't prevent the snail from

moving just gonna keep trying right um so probably it'll break out and kill whoever and then you have to do it again but i just someone else was like snails move really slow so you basically could go somewhere yeah and live there for a while before it got to you and you just have someone let you know snails like gonna be about there in three days so it's about time to move exactly so I then ultimately was like perhaps I could I could deal with that but then I think the the idea of like you said kind of the anxiety and paranoia of this fucking snail it's a fucking snail man is it worth it he it? It's following me. My snail's somewhere. My security team is saying it's in, you know, I just left France. They're saying I just got to France.

Maybe it'll get eaten. Yeah. And also, it'd be terrifying if, like, you saw a different snail, just a random, normal snail. You're like, oh, my God just a random normal snail you're like oh my god is that the snail i guess the test would be to try to kill it because if you could kill it then it's not the snail yeah if you try and kill it do you die because you're touching it pay someone else to do it oh yeah higher hitman but i will hit man i feel like shit every time i step on one in the

middle of the night. And it's just like the grossest noise and sensation too. Yeah, I made friends with one. His name is Axel. I wonder how he's doing. Where was he? Where's he based? Right next to Nigel's mother.

Oh, really? He didn't kill Axel, did he? I mean, I have stepped on some since I've met him, but I'm convinced it wasn't him. He's too smart for that. You'd probably end up being the snail trying to kill me, which is sad. Probably, yeah.

Ironically, yeah. Yeah. So I'll ask you this one. What's something bizarre you've witnessed that you still can't explain to this day? So I've got a couple. Tell me them all. One was from when I was a youngster. It's kind of more of a ghost story.

I have one too. Exciting. story. I have one too. Exciting. So when I was younger, we used to go on holiday with obviously my family and all my parents, friends and their children as well. We tended to do like a yearly holiday where they'd hire a villa somewhere or something like that. And this particular year, they hired a chateau in France. Nice.

And I mean, it was a fucking chateau. It was posh. Beautiful. Like with the huge drawing rooms and a music room with a big grand piano in it and dungeon with chains yeah servants quarters one of those weird elevators that they use to send food up when you don't want to come downstairs

and you're having your hysteria yeah um and it was a hotel it had like, I think it had like 50 rooms in it. Oh, damn. And three floors. But you guys had the whole shebang? Had the whole shebang. Fuck. And what they'd done is they rented this chateau out, but they'd built a modern hotel next door and used that as the hotel. Okay.

Which is very weird, because we were like, this place is fucking beautiful like why would you and then there's this hotel next door from here in yeah exactly that's kind of what it looked like and it was like an abandoned pool out the back anyway that's irrelevant so me and my cousin we wanted to share a room because we were like young and we're like oh god we can share a room let's go and pick one so went upstairs found one on the top floor that we think was could have been like the honeymoon suite because it was like the whole room was like pink and it had like beautiful pink drapes over the bed um and a little en suite a window looking out the garden lovely little condoms swan on the bed petals everywhere chocolates yeah um so yeah we liked that room we picked that room

now later on that night we uh were trying to get the tv to work in the room but it wouldn't work it was just static which, you know, a bit annoying didn't think anything of it but all the other TVs in the bedrooms worked apart from that one but we were like, oh we've just got a dud room the signal must be fucked

See I would have been like, switch me rooms like this I need a TV Not a priority for you Not a priority So that. Not a priority. So that night we went to bed. And we heard... It's already giving me goosebumps.

God damn it. Go. Sorry. Go on. So I heard this banging from the en suite, basically. I assumed the window was open and the wind was banging the window. So I got up to go and have a look, realised there was no window in the en suite. Okay.

Must just be pipes or something. It's a really old house. It's just pipes, you know. So we ignored it. got back into bed i had to go to sleep i then woke up at about three o'clock in the morning to and was like oh my god what the fuck is that? Like, leant over to try and wake my cousin up and she was like, pale, stiff as a board. Yeah, genuinely thought she was dead.

Oh God. Could not wake her up. So I did what any normal person would do. I screamed and legged it out the room and went and stayed in another cousin's room. Didn't get anyone or try and wake her up sorry about your luck i was just terrified do you know what i mean i was like this is and it was so loud kate it was like right next to you at that point someone having their

much faster yeah being beaten to death next you know next door well to reframe it was the ghost of a honeymoon couple having a little playful spank that's all it was but the next day i went in to go and get my stuff because i was like i'm not fucking staying in that room again um and as soon as i walked through the threshold of the door it was literally like someone punched me in the gut and I was completely winded like all the air got pushed out of me and it was again really terrifying and it was just quite clear that something did not want anyone in that room. Was it, like, cold? Like, you know how you always hear, it's like, ooh, the temperature changed.

I don't remember it being cold. Well, I guess getting punched in the gut by a ghost was probably good enough, too. That was enough. Did your cousin who was staying, like, did she stay? I can't remember. I don't think she stayed in there. She didn't remember anything from the night before. She just said she slept through.

I was like, did you not hear that banging? Like, it was crazy. And then I got punched. But then, yeah, but other people felt weird going in that room as well. Did you learn anything about the history? No. So since I've tried to look it up, but but annoyingly no one can remember the name of the place um so I've tried googling it and looking in the area where it was but I can't seem to find it

um but yeah I really want to look into what because what gets me is why did they build a new hotel next door did something happen and then they were like fuck this place is haunted as shit i'm curious i wonder where like where in france do you remember the like town i can't remember now i did write it all down because i rang my mom thing we're going there we're gonna find it out this is the new theme of our podcast I rang my mom I like spoke to her friends that were there as well and did try and dig into it but couldn't find it yeah it was freaky as fuck what else do you got so this one was quite recent I was driving back home through the country lane. I mean, most lanes are country-ish around here. And straight ahead of me, there was like an orange light in the sky,

which obviously initially I just thought was a plane. Was it nighttime? It was nighttime, yeah. And it was like a round ball of orange light. Yeah. Didn't think anything of it initially but i noticed after going round lots of corners which take you in various various in varying different directions yeah that this light was still dead ahead of me so it was following the trajectory of my car

whichever way i went it was always there Gemma that was the moon no because it didn't stay in the same place sorry go on so yeah whichever way I went it was always in front of me so it was like something was flying in the sky following where my fucking car went. It was really weird. And it freaked me out. Did you, when you got to where you were going,

could you still see it? No, it disappeared as I came out of that country lane and went onto the main road. It was gone. So it was just in that country lane. Were they working on cornfields? Do you guys have cornfields? We do have cornfields, but there weren't any there. I also have

another one. I've just thought of another one. I just saw something out of the corner of my eye that was really freaky. I just freaked myself out. What was it? I don't know. Just Keith going, hello. I'm really scared now. So, again, this was the same fucking road, actually.

That road is haunted. Well, this is it. There's a road called Alice Bright Lane as you come out of Cobra. Why? What happened to her? Because years ago, apparently, a girl was killed during a storm so they decided obviously to name the lane after her why wouldn't you yeah um and there's rumors which i did not know at the time but there are rumors that on stormy nights she comes out and walks along the lane

i just saw something she was like what the fuck it's just saw something too. I was like, what the fuck? And just chat outside. But I'm good. But yeah, so one night I was driving down that lane. And it was stormy. And something ran across the road. But it wasn't, it's really hard to describe it wasn't an animal but it didn't look like a person either it was like i don't know really like a

it's like a big round shape and it looked like loads of like shaggy hair and i was like what the fuck was that and like I even went home and started googling like are there wild boars in the area or like things like that because I was like I've never seen yeah it was really weird um and then I mentioned it to someone and they were like was it Alice Bright Lane I was like yeah and they were, well, apparently it could have been her because people see her when it's stormy. And I was like, fuck. Maybe she was very hairy. Well, that's it.

Yeah, maybe she was just, you know, a bit of a, what do you call it? Hairy wildling. Yeah. Oh, creepy. So I feel like I've had, like, some unusual experiences, but I really only have one that has kind of stuck with me my entire life because I was pretty young when it happened um I don't I can't quite remember the age but it was like 10 or under and maybe you know probably more like seven eight um and where I grew up

quiet little town um you know you run around play outside with the friends in the neighborhood and bike ride around and until it's dark and it, I was with a kid who was down the street. He's at, he was a little, he was actually a friend of my brother's, but for whatever reason, we were both like bored. So we were hanging out and we hear a fire truck siren and we realized it's like coming down our street and we see it go by and we're like, ooh, let's hop on our bikes and follow it. Because if it's on our street, that means it's going to a house on our street because like they wouldn't have driven down our street to only get back onto the main road to go to a different neighborhood. Right. So we hop on our bikes and follow it like immediately because we were with our bikes and we're following it.

And all of a sudden this fire truck turns into a driveway and disappears it's just fucking gone it's fucking gone like we both had the same auditory and visual hallucination of this fire truck i guess and like it just fucking disappeared it was bizarre so either we both accidentally ingested some sort of drug. Yeah. Or had a psychotic break. Or there's a ghost fire truck. Yeah. All of them seem unlikely.

What the fuck? I think we even like called the fire station. Really? To be like, hi. Was there a fire truck in a distance? And they're like, kids, go play outside. You're wasting your time yeah so it was it was so bizarre and it's i've never forgotten it and i don't even think i really like i didn't tell my parents really or anybody i've talked about it since but i didn't

like what i'm like mom i saw a fire truck and it disappeared in the neighbor's house down the way she's gonna be like okay yeah all right so we just were kind of like what the fuck you know just the two of us and yeah i wonder if he remembers i should ask him i haven't talked yeah i wonder because there are such things as shared hallucinations aren't there yeah do you think it happens to literal eight and nine year olds well that's it have not experienced drama in any way at that point yeah that's the only thing I could immediately think of when I like saw this question but I bet if I sat and thought about it I could or I've heard stories I know the people out there some

of my friends even probably have some of their own kind of ghostly weird things you know ask around and see if you can get some or you guys can just write it in yeah and we'll read it i mean and we might need to save some of them for when we ultimately do our but yeah uh i always like ghost shit has always bothered me and so i'm a little bit thankful that maybe that i haven't really had that experience but yes freaky as fuck all right should we wrap am i the asshole yeah am i the asshole you know you are baby sure is that's jazz okay am i the asshole for telling my neighbors to get a hotel if they want to Sure is. That's jazz. Okay.

Am I the arsehole for telling my neighbours to get a hotel if they want to do stuff every night? Okay. That would get expensive. It would, wouldn't it? I, 43 male, have six children, four daughters and two sons. He's jealous. All my daughters share a room and my sons share a room. I'm quite aware that's a bit insane, but they're both quite big rooms and they all enjoy sharing a room.

It does say further down in an edit that he shares custody of his children, so they're not always there. Okay. Our house is connected to next door, and the neighbor's bedroom is on the same wall as both my kids' rooms. Our neighbors moved in about four months ago, and not to be TMI, but I swear they're always doing something. I'm not one to be confrontational, so I to just ignore it I can sleep through the night fine but a few days ago my daughter female five I don't know why he had to say female five

came into my room at 2am crying saying she thinks that the neighbors are fighting each other and that they were screaming that's why you said female fight. Of course I was concerned and told my daughter to stay in my room. I went into hers and lo and behold they were screaming but not from fighting. At this point I was irritated. If they want to do it every day that's their choice but if they're waking my children up at 2am I think I have the right to say something so the next day I went over to their house and basically told the husband that if he's horny he can get a motel or shag in the basement he got mad and embarrassed and told me it was none of my business what they did in bed and then slammed the door in my face I feel like I may have been in the wrong but they're all but they're also doing

it six feet away from six sleeping children with only a thin wall between am i the arsehole yeah you are sir yeah yes i think that had he gone over just to be like i'm your neighbor nice to meet you i have a fuck ton of children I don't know why I have so many children but I do um and it turns out that your bedroom wall happens to be like sharing the walls to my kids two rooms um and I just wanted to let you know that they have commented and I have heard you and your wife enjoying each other every time. And so just wanted to let you know that a, you share a wall with my, the rooms of my, the two rooms for my children. Um, they've heard that in fact, I would even share my daughter actually came over to tell me you guys were fighting and she was really concerned. And I realized what was happening

because I'm a grownup and have had sex at least six times or however many kids he has uh and so I I'm wondering maybe could you move your bed like could we figure something out here I just because I suspect that they would be like oh shit we're so sorry like did they know did they know that they're sharing a wall with those kids I mean I assume they knew we had kids because they're neighbors. It would be hard not to. But going over there and being like, get a fucking motel. You can't be in your house to do this thing that people do in their houses. Like, yeah, that was the wrong way to approach it.

So 100% asshole. Yep. I agree. Simple. Also, don't be jelly, man. Just because they're getting in you're not like get over it yes someone said they did get a room they pay for it just like you do and they fill their house with noisy sex and you filled yours with the results of your noisy sex boom boom true so yeah you're the arsehole as you so diplomatically put okay that could be approached

in a much fairer calmer way um and i'm sure they would have been embarrassed and done something about it or put some soundproofing up or. Yeah. Or just at least try to be a little quieter. Being a little quieter. So. Well, I'm glad we're in agreement with that because we would agree with them. I just can't stand the noise of people having loud sex. It's so disgusting and it riles me right up, Kate, actually. So I think he was well in his rights to tell them

to fuck off to a hotel if you're gonna have dirty nasty sex like that go to a dirty nasty hotel you should be having missionary sex quietly where you both take showers before and after and nobody enjoys it okay yep purely for procreation purposes only mammon sir it should actually be quite painful for both of you physically and emotionally good good good good good good great well on that uh problem solving and life affirming message. We've done enough for today. Brilliant. Okay. Well.

Good to see you. And you. Take care and I'll talk some shit to you next week, probably. Next time. Adios. On the flip side, bitches.

Let me pull up my rap again. We'll take you on a journey no limits no bounds discussing life's quirks in the world's background with wit and sarcasm we'll throw shade and jest but always keeping it real we give it our very best boom mic drop We'll see you next time. you you