Talking Shit with a Yank & a Brit - 21. I Saw No Wangs

Episode Date: August 17, 2023

This week we're talking festivals, deporting squirrels, stupid date formats, butter cows, british place names, a poop knife story and we solve an Am I The A**ehole dilemma!Send your dilemmas, stories, questions or anything you like to [e-mail], or get in touch on socials @TSYBPOD

hello you lovely listeners and welcome back to talking shit with a yank and And a Brit. That was a great opening. I loved it. Thank you. I thought I'd greet our listeners. Well, let's welcome our newest listeners. I recently learned that we have, you know, former President Obama's a fan. And Prince Harry and Meghan are now listening and Madonna who else they will not leave my DMs alone it's so bad it's so bad it's just stop being so thirsty we'll have you on sometime after a very rigorous audition process I mean after our last guest exactly I mean we can't top that you know it's yeah I think we should actually just be done now

yeah we cannot beat that uh but no I think hitting that milestone was was pretty fun having a guest we hope to do that more in the future so if you'd like to send your application forms to talk shit to us at gmail.com keep forgetting it i don't know why or reach out to us on social media at um tsyb pod i had to look at my keyboard words are hard words are hard um did you have a nice break yeah went to a festival and partied like an animal. So jealous? Mostly because I just want to see what that looks like for you. I'm just going to watch.

Is that weird? A little bit, yeah. Sorry, I'm so weird. A little bit of voyeurism going on there. Okay. Sorry. No, it was really good. I was quite nervous about it because i'm old now and camping and drinking

for three days um felt like a lot but actually when you get in the spirit of it and when you're there it's kind of good so you hung in there hung in there like a trooper did like about a million steps over the weekend. Nice. Ate loads of food, drank lots of cider, listened to lots of cool bands, and had a lovely time, really. Any advice to people who are of a certain age who might be interested in doing something like that someday but are a little concerned about their ability to hang in there i'm asking for a friend not me i'm very cool and can do stuff like that with ease um i would suggest class a drugs yeah not water not vitamins not you know having a comfy pillow no I think you you kind of get into a routine so you feel like it's just going to be like constant all the time all day but this was quite a wellness festival as well so i could do like yoga and breath work in the daytime and they had a little like hot tub and sauna area i didn't holy shit you would

do a spa weekend pretty much yeah in the woods but you sort of it was it was really nice because you sort of wake up in the morning and one day to be honest was really shit weather like real bad winds and rain and part of my tent collapsed no sounds like Glastonbury based on what I've heard pretty much yeah as long as you're like packed for all eventualities like I had a decent pair of boots that I wore the whole time so my my feet were fine. I had a raincoat and I even brought waterproof trousers to go over the top. So I was absolutely fine. I looked like a fisherman. That was the vibe you were going for though.

Fisherman chic. This year's trend I think. Yeah. Stepping away from 90s gear, going into you know, fisherman chic, Ernest Hemingway vibes but yeah you get into a routine so you get up and you can chill out for most of the day and have some breakfast go and get some food and like in this case do some yoga and

mooch about a bit um and then you sort of prepare yourself to right okay i'm gonna have another drink ready for it the drinking starts again and then you party again and then you dance again and then you do it all again the following day it was really good but i was exhausted for about four days afterwards which would explain why I didn't hear from you for seven years. And I was like, Gemma hates me. Because that is my red flag. Everyone hates me all of a sudden. No, just kidding.

I knew you were busy. But as you noted, when we were chatting before starting this recording it feels like we haven't talked in a while I know I was looking at you so long where have you been actually where have I been waiting waiting for you just sat here for the last week checking your phone every yep pretty much um well that's good that's I mean i saw some of the pictures you posted it looked fun it would be something that i would have wanted to do sean and i have talked about going to glastonbury over the years but as time has gone on i'm like i'm i'm too old for that shit now

yeah i met some friends at this festival who they go to glastonbury every year and it like i really want to go because it sounds and looks amazing and it's like this whole experience i've never gone no um and yeah like what they say is like it sounds incredible but they're also saying like it's a a whole different thing. Like it's intense. Do you know what I mean? It's, it's not just a three day thing. It's like a week long thing. And, you know, it's not a case like this was quite a small local festival. So it was a case of walking from your car 10 minutes to the campsite and then the festival was literally just a short walk yeah on the campsite whereas glastonbury you have to walk for like two hours to find your

camping spot in a sea of tents yeah you're probably never going to find again and then it's like a whole fucking town glastonbury yeah so it just takes forever to get anywhere and to do anything and it sounds very tiring there's things about it that sound really fun in addition to just like the music but the I think the thing that puts me off in addition to just like camping that entire time and probably the toilet situation is the sheer amount of people. Yeah. That I think maybe makes me a little anxious. Yeah.

Same. Apparently it's like so different to other festivals in that there is never any fighting or bad vibes. Like nothing bad ever happens because it is just such a feel-good place which is great are we sure that's not because of the class a drugs or might have something to do with it of course oh that's funny though um well i suppose as far as other updates go not a lot new on my end. I just have been doing my normal life stuff, which is pretty boring.

Yeah. It's been good. Nothing to complain about, I guess. Lucy got her feeding tube out, which no one probably knew that she had that. I knew. Well, you knew, right? And you probably couldn't tell just from hearing her on last episode. She, you know, made a guest appearance.

And she actually was our, like, preferred guest, but she declined. She was busy. Yeah. But her meow has changed, I think, since. Oh, really? It just, like, and I, maybe it's because of the thing, you you know just kind of going into her neck and but whatever she finally got it out though and we're happy about that but she's basically got like it looks like she got shot in the neck have you accidentally put your finger in it yet I have not been very careful about that um and it's I think it's kind of fully healed now too

but now is the matter of kind of like cleaning some of the gunk around it, which is really gross to say. And I'm sorry for everyone listening right now. Sorry if you're eating. Yep. So that's good news. I got some updates from my mom following the discussion of squirrels, I think, two episodes ago. Right? Yeah.

Say more. ago right yeah say more um so she it kind of i think unbeknownst to me when we were talking about that all of her squirrel troubles as you guys have heard she has started catching them and i think she's up to like five or six now you mainly or yes yes like if the trap is humane um and she goes and releases them in like this kind of big park area that's, you know, a ways from her house so they can't make their way back. But she's, I think she's, it's like now her obsession because at some point she's like, oh, you know, I caught one, I caught the one and I went and released it. And then she's like, number two, number three, number four, I've got five. And I'm like, mom, leave the squirrels alone. And she's all like, oh, you like squirrels now? All of this. I'm not sure I do, but now I'm starting to feel a little bad for them. Stop rehoming all these squirrels.

Maybe you need them. They're contributing something to the environment maybe i don't know but she's just like she's described watching them be really smart about the trap and not smart enough they she eventually catches them but she'll see them kind of like like keep their foot kind of out of the cage while they're reaching in to get the food that she's put in there and managing to get it but then eventually they're you know still very dumb and get caught but i'm imagining your mom in like full camo yeah with like bushing in her hair some pair of binoculars absolutely just waiting waiting for them yep she caught a dove accidentally and she's like oh i got one went out it's a fucking dove and

she's like okay i'll let you out and i was all upset but she says that the squirrels are pretty pissed when she's releasing them into the wild i can imagine yeah she's sending me pictures and i'm like that one's cute and she's like these are the mean ones exactly she's deporting them anyway mom let me know how what number you're up to when you hear this it's official guys kate loves squirrels i'm now pro squirrel so yep but that's the basic update I have um any any on your end not really no nothing else to report but I do have something that I want to bring up with you young lady are we in a fight we might be after this all right let's do it um something I've been meaning to speak to you about for a long time um and it recently came to my attention whilst i was re-informed of it whilst watching an instagram clip so here in the uk

and i believe pretty much everywhere else in the world. Oh, shit. We do, we write our date, day, month, year. Oh, my God. But Americans do month, day, year. And I understand why, because you say, like, June 13th. Yep. Mm-hmm. because you say like June 13th. Yep. But it just makes so much more sense to do the smallest, medium, biggest value of time.

Do you know what I mean? Is that the basis for why you guys do that? Because let me say, I'm glad you brought this up because when I first encountered that, I was like, what the fuck and maybe like you said it makes sense because of how you guys will say you'll say 13th June right 13th of June yeah it's I don't have any other words for it other than I was just so confused because when there's dates that like 25th June 87, right, that's my birthday. So it's written 2-5 slash 0-6 slash 87. I like I was like, there's no 25th month. I had to like actively switch my brain to recognize what I was looking at. And it just, other than the fact that this is just how we do it and how I was raised, I don't have any, I don't, I can't, I think,

justify it, but it just was really hard and confusing. And I, everything feels arbitrary. Like it feels arbitrary to do it either way, but I just think it's so bizarre that you guys do it the other way that's all I can say yeah but I think it's weird that you do it the other way and it's really confusing like when like American bands post like like tour dates and I'm like what do you mean is it the 5th of June or is it the the 6th of May that took a long time but do you see what I mean yeah yeah well and I think those instances where it like basically 0 through 12, right, it could go either way. And so you have to sit there and like, what am I looking at? Who's posting this date? What like country is it derived from in order to fully identify the dates? Like when we got wedding invites from folks over there, I had to be like so Sean which one which day is it yeah so did you have to I guess you have to do like different invites for your US guests in the UK

do we even get an invite actually no we just told you when it was because it was too complicated yep just didn't want to confuse anyone so didn't want you guys coming over on February 1st. I suppose you could have written it in words and then it would have been fine. Oh, that's true. No one would have been, it would have been. So we wrote 05. When did we get married? When's kids birthday? It was 2nd of May. Okay. So if we had wrote 0502 you guys would have thought it was february 5th yeah it would have been like what a shit time to get married day after my birthday fuck off well it was gonna either be that or because i guess the weather's better in may so i can understand why you went with that

yeah yeah i think we instead of we just told you guys when it was though so didn't worry about it And the weather's better in May, so I can understand why you went with that. Yeah. Yeah. I think we, instead of, we just told you guys when it was though, so didn't worry about it. That is a, I wonder if there is like, if we did any research for this podcast whatsoever, there might be some rationale behind either way to write it that maybe makes sense but i'm inclined to think that you guys are wrong and we're right i'm looking at it good tell me what you see and be honest one of the hypotheses is that the united states borrowed the way it was written from the united kingdom who used it before the 20th century and then later changed it to match europe oh so you guys were like us yeah american colonists liked their

original format and it's been that way ever since that was one of the reasons they left i think was because the king decided to switch the way you guys wrote dates and they're like, this is an abomination. We're leaving. Goodbye. This is a deal breaker that we cannot stand for. I will not put up with this.

We're going to war. Yep, going to the new world so we can be free to write our dates the right way. The way God intended. It seems like it'd be something that's stupid, to be honest. Yeah, probably. Interesting. Okay, so you guys wanted to be more like Europe instead of, you know, being cool, the cool original country, the cool country.

Australia, right, the same as well. Europe, right it the same as well Europe write the same as us as well so yeah because you switched to how Europe was doing it yeah but they're so cultured and interesting what is culture and interesting anyways that feels subjective you might think europe's interesting but you know what i think is interesting what big statues carved out of butter and corn dogs and nascar i think that's interesting I'm getting a real insight into your underlying personality I'm just kidding none of those things interest me at all I mean butter sculptures are kind of cool

but just because anything that I think is really that was a thing oh we've never talked about this no it is a hallmark of particularly the iowa state fair where they typically will carve things out of butter usually there's a giant like a life-size cow and they will do like a celebrity or some sort of thing that's kind of current to the year that but yeah butter carving when's the state fair is it in a cold month because no they have to keep it in freezers though it's always in this it's probably this month or next month to be honest yeah i'm gonna have a fair in the middle of summer it's 30 degrees yep and uh we're gonna make a statue of butter and they give out toast for you to just go like wipe across it that's crumpet yep just just wipe across it and you know get your butter your bread baby and

until it's gone and then you know the fair's over once it's gone that's how it works right I'm glad I know that but when I come over I'll take you sometime although there's this whole beef with Iowa and Minnesota about who has like the better fair and I you know being a former kind of Iowan I would say I prefer Minnesota's fair um it's a lot bigger a lot more stuff um and I don't know if Minnesota does butter sculptures to be honest I don't believe you think that Minnesota's is butter that kills me that I laughed at that damn it oh nice pun dad thanks um well i think i feel vindicated in this date writing discussion because you guys were the ones who caved and changed to the wrong way that's true to be honest i didn't

know that fact until i googled it and i'm a bit disgusted so i think if you want to you know fit in with the cool kids you need to start writing your dates the other way and just confuse everybody around you like we're having a party send the date people show up at the totally wrong day you're completely wrong I don't know what you're doing it's also really annoying um when I'm like working on an Excel sheet and I don't realize that it's set to American stuff and then I write the date and then it automatically changes it. So unless it's obviously like the 13th and onward, it automatically changes. And then I'm like, no, all the dates are messed up. And I have to, it's really annoying. automatically changes and then I'm like no all the dates are messed up and I have to it's really annoying so your software that you use Microsoft which is I think pretty universal but probably

developed I've you know developed in America I guess um it automatically sets it to American standard stuff even if you had your time zone like if you were in the uk you would think that it would adjust but just oh i'm so sorry like you guys are so oppressed forcing all your date rules on us well and you know you're a cack hand too and you are just living in a right-handed world so you're just constantly getting like oppressed in a way i suppose i'm such a minority a woman i'm a woman a lefty left-handed you united kingdom resident and everything's forced upon you to conform to right-handed male american dominated society and now people are trying to make women equal which means i have to work and it's not fair oh god there is like a a woman here who's trying to get some notoriety by being like women shouldn't vote we shouldn't have jobs i need to like men should be the ones making decisions

and i'm just like girl what are you doing just please fuck off yeah you're clearly doing this to like get some sort of fame here and i just she's her name's pearl something and she just her face is so too there's a woman like this in the uk called um katie hopkins i don't know if you've heard of her actually this may lead on to the next thing we want to talk about she just purposely talks about um controversial subjects, basically. And I'm pretty sure she does it just to get attention and arise. But she went on one of our daytime morning breakfast shows. I was doing this segment with the hosts of the show about how she hates it when people name their children after places

such as Paris and Brooklyn. Leicester. Leicester. And then one of the hosts turns around and says, sorry, Katie, isn't your daughter called India? Oh, no shit. She's like, yes, but that's a pretty name. It's completely different.

It's not like calling my child Brooklyn or New York or well no it's exactly the same actually I think you'll find uh yeah I think the fact that you're differentiating between something that you find pretty and don't find pretty pretty much is about you then lady that's so funny I'm so glad they called her out on that yeah it's fucking great I'll send you the clip of it i think it's actually hopkins she's a knobhead oh great so whilst we're on the subject of names names of places in england um i'm sure you've probably realized but there's quite a few uh rude names for places or just amusing yep I have many a picture of a sign or posing next to like a street placard because you guys have them on walls too not just like road signs yeah and my i think it's

when lauren and i were in lewis and we found cock shut road it was a great one i loved it i saw cripple lane earlier it's funny though, like that clip you sent me of, you know, the train and the announcer announcing the train stops and it was like, kind of started with the real names which are ridiculous enough but then going on

to like obviously fake ones but clearly still like you, it's highly possible that there are names like that. Oh yeah. In the UK. Yeah, yeah. You can actually go on tours around the uk to all the terrible name places that we have such as twat scratchy bottom i live i you know i was born and raised in scratchy bottom right next to arse hill

yeah there's a genuine place called knob end um cock a mouth wait say spell that for me what cock a mouth yeah uh c-o-c-k-e-r-m-o-u-H. Oh, straight up just Cockermouth. Yeah, Cockermouth, yeah. Jesus Christ. Why? I don't know. Bellend. That's another one. I'll meet you down on Bellend.

Yeah. And these names are old right it's not like they you guys just started naming things to be funny now like these are really fucking old names yeah and i guess they didn't mean what they mean today maybe they didn't they were just really funny is that what like you guys had a dirty sense of humor back in the 1800s 1700s we had we were peasants i mean i think one thing we've really kind of uh we're able to agree on is that you guys are not prudes about things and you know naked attraction or whatever that show was and just like the general casual nudity and sex that you guys can just see on you know basically children's tv

whereas here we're like oh my god you can't even say damn like you can watch me yep like Or they'll dub over. Yep, exactly. Like someone's wearing a bikini and they'll just like blur the top part or something. Yeah. So I'm trying to think of what some of my favorite ones were. I mean, I will say that my attempts to pronounce things like Lester. Well done. And Cobra.

Well done. How would you pronounce this? Is that backwards? No, I can see it. Okay. Well, so I'll tell you how I think it's pronounced, but I'll tell you first how I would pronounce it. Loughborough. But is it Loughborough? No, it's Loughborough. Oh, damn it. Oh, it's Loughborough. Okay.

You're very close. Yeah, I find it really funny how, I mean, you're just saying it how it's spelled, I guess. Yeah, I'm very fanatic in that way. But anything with a burrow on the end. You say burrow, but it's burrow for us. Yeah. And everything that ends in ham, I'm very much like horse ham. Lewis ham.

Lewis ham. And it's, I know it's- West ham's fine. Yeah, I guess west ham is fine, right? Full ham. Full ham. Full, yeah. But horse ham sounds really funny to me, so I've refused it. Yeah, I guess West Ham is fine, right? Full ham. Full ham. But horse ham sounds really funny to me, so I refused it. Yeah, I like that.

I've now started calling it horse ham. Yeah, I mean, why wouldn't you? Exactly. It's a golden opportunity. What are some other good ones? I mean, listening to you guys say in your accent, you know, like, cock-a-dly-wobble-dee, stop. Just like it sounds so nice. Still, even though it's like dick and balls.

There's a place called Wet wang stop it where welcome to the village of wet wang it's where north dalton how far we're going let's go to wet wang and then scratchy bottom and then scratchy bottom um Oh, the best one, my favorite. Fingering Ho. No. Okay. That one's new. That one just you guys renamed.

It was probably called like Charing Bridge or something innocent. And someone's like, let's call this Fingering Ho. Oh my God. bridge or something innocent and someone's like let's call this fingering hoe you dirty dirty dirty people we are aren't we yeah it's really fun i'm sure i can find a list of all the best ones there with we're gonna go to wet wang and i'm gonna give it a 0 out of 10 stars because I saw no wangs and it was very dry so it was the driest wang I've ever seen and there wasn't even a monument that was phallus shaped

nope just really disappointing get it together wet wang um shitterton you can't even like say that in a way to make it sound you have to actually shitterton

you have to really do the hard tease on that I suppose you could shitterton that makes you sound Irish Scottish shitterton there's also a place called netherwallop. Just make it. It's just noise now

at this point. You're not even trying to say words. Gobbledygook. Bitchfield. Is that where you're from? There's a place in in mid cornwall called simply called cocks like it's a little village it's a pub because that's the other thing is you're gonna have you know bitch field and then there's gonna be the like the like, the Twat Inn or the, you know, Dick Slap and Turtle Pub. Dick Slap and Turtle.

Yeah. Yeah. It's just going to be, you guys are going to, like, we're going to go to this place and cock. There was, there's a cock in on the way to lewis and yeah the cheese the cheese and the sorry go ahead yeah yes tell the do it do you tell it so i pulled into the car park and next to the pub which had a big sign called the cock in was a van with the cheese man so it was the cock in the cheese man you pulled into the cock in there's there's something there like pulled out of it you pulled out of the cock in pulled out

i you know i don't know why we haven't stopped there. The amount of times I've driven by that place, I really want to go. Can we go? Yeah, we should. Okay. Is it nice? I don't know, actually. I've never been there. I've been to many.

You said you pulled in. Oh, a different. Okay. Got it. I mean, that is a common name, though, isn't it? Like the cock in or the cock in the hair. Cock and ball. Yep, the cock and ball.

I mean, that one's intentional, right? I don't know, actually. Because a lot of them are kind of animal-based, like the white heart. Yeah. Which I guess isn't an animal, but isn't it like a deer or something? Yeah. They tend to just repeat a lot of pub names. Like, yeah, like there's like so many white hearts.

Or the king's head. King's head, queen's head. Things like that, yeah. I think people just don't have an imagination so keep using the same ones i mean you can only come up with so many things before you start just doing nonsense like whatever it was wallop nether wallop i mean that is someone sneezed and they're like that's a really good name that's where that came from oh great that's the name of this pub oh here's a list of some good ones um sluts hole lane oh Like, I'm offended by that, actually. That feels like it's a little bit shamey. Titty Ho.

Aw. Titty Ho. Yeah. East Midlands. Fanny Hands Lane. So, Vagina Hands? Yep. Okay. Okay. uh fanny hands lane so vagina hands yep okay okay but i mean a lot of women used to be called fanny bob's your uncle fanny's your aunt right exactly yeah yeah yeah i didn't know that's where that came from until i heard i don't know it's probably on a tv show and i was like is that the whole phrase what the fuck okay neither i have neither in my family

there's a place called uh crap stone it's a real shithole sandy balls in the new forest okay wait sandy balls in the new forest so like no sand is there because it's a forest yeah so it's a bit ironic i guess like if you you're gonna get sandy balls while you're here but no one really knows why. Sorry. It's a mystery. It's ridiculous. Just some classic Irish.

Fanny's town. How do I pronounce this stranagal willie again another noise with willie at the end you guys love genitalia i have to say we do yeah it's funny big fan we like toilet humor um do you get this okay um so craven muse is the sign and then they someone graffitied john round on it john craven muse round no i don't get it i don't either um someone also it says shit umbrella on it it's uh for folks at home it's a like a construction sign of a man yeah like shoveling and someone just wrote above the man shit umbrella

is that what you guys call shovels yes that tracks here's another one called cats that someone graffitied cats like plain crisps and plain is underlined like thank you for the notice which is funny because lucy does like crisps but she likes the salt and vinegar kind oh well that's nice for her but yeah is that her preferred flavor. Yes, but maybe British cats only like plain. Maybe we do only like bland food. Yeah, it's true. You guys eat like the Germans are still flying overhead, like I told you earlier.

We're all suffering from PTSD. It's inherited through ancestors. Yeah, that generational trauma. Yeah. So we just eat Russian food. That's all we can deal with. You know what? Like, dead serious, that might, you might be onto something.

You might be onto something. Maybe, maybe. That because of your grandparents' grandparents and how they had to live, they can continue. Because it's kind of like the depression, people who survived the depression didn't like to throw things away, right? Because you didn't want to waste. And it's also like, you don't know when you're going to need it. And then I think that habit gets passed down to people. And so that's, you know, you have your parents who can't get rid of anything. And it's like, mom, you can probably throw away my spelling test that I missed two on in the second grade not that my mom for example but just generally speaking

because it's like we're not going to need that we're not going to need that the next war it's going to be okay would be good fire kindling yeah i suppose fire paper fire paper fire paper you know what i mean any any other good ones i think we should start posting some of these ridiculous street signs and stuff on our instagram just to show people what they're missing Yeah, we should. Minj lane. Minj. So explain what minj is, like as a slang. A minj is a vagina. So how many different slang do you guys have for vagina? Oh, so many. So many.

So many. Fanny, twat, minj. The C word. The C word, which is cunt, byunt by the way yes in case no one knew i was trying to be respectful not me never me um uh bush yes oh god what come on axe then talk talk oh yeah axe food gash taco um yep uh there's more i know there's more oh god this is gonna be a bit we're just gonna kind of continue like throughout these episodes just start i'm gonna start making making up something like you guys do.

Ball grinder. I can't believe I said that. I'm horrible. Ferret sleeve. Is that a place you're reading or is that a name for a vagina? Because it could be bold maybe it's horrible oh god vag pussy foof yeah the basic ones yeah mm-hmm you know what's interesting how you guys call it fanny fanny for us is like I think but

right like yeah so but we like a fanny pack exactly but you guys call them a bum bag yeah but but we wear them on the front yeah but we call it a fanny pack and wear it on the front but oh god that's so confusing why like you think we would call it a bum bag a butt bag a front bottom bag another word for vagina so many good episode titles can't wait to see what you come up with god it's gonna be a long list this week just on and on and on and on and on um i think that we have kind of a nice segue though in talking about kind of generational trauma and carrying things down uh with the reddit post you wanted to share with me is that right yes yeah so I was uh just you know going down a lovely little

rabbit hole the other night and I came across um the museum of reddit which is just like classic reddit posts I need to follow that subreddit because i feel like i'm missing out yeah i don't yeah i i came across it by going through the comments of something else but i just found this one and i really wanted to share it with you because it made me lol um and i think we've talked about before like stuff that happened in our family so like for example your dad was a hamster my dad was a guinea pig yeah yeah yeah there we go so this is one of these stories my family poops big maybe it's genetic. That is quite the start. Quite an intro. Maybe it's genetic.

Maybe it's our diet. But everyone births giant logs of crap. Jesus Christ. If anyone has laid a mega poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common... This was the wrong time to drink water. I'm okay. Sorry. Okay, growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was a rusty old kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out, hey, can you grab me the poop knife? I thought it was just standard bit of kit.

You have your plunger, your toilet brush and your poop knife. Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and he always had guests, in quote marks, over because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. True. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down to see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend.

He arrives, and I ask him for his poop knife. My what, he says? Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it, please. He says, what the fuck is a poop knife? Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name turd turd slicer trying to come up with some a fecal cleaver a dung divider oh they did it for me great i explain what it is um and why i want it and he starts giggling then laughing then lots of

people start laughing and it turns out the music has stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door it also turned out that none of them had poop knives it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. Fuck my life. I told this to my wife last night who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and she had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife.

Thankfully she didn't cook with it but she used it to open Amazon boxes and she will now be getting her own utility life oh god oh my god like it i'm trying to put myself in the shoes of the friend and just be like i i don't know what my reaction i would be rolling on the floor laughing i i think i might actually die i would die i would die be dead i would be dead i'm not trying to be dramatic or anything i think i would die from laughter disgust or just i general shock like shock i think but it's so funny that two

things because like we talked about kind of our own experiences and my family's was potato chips in the freezer which feels like real innocent and just boring compared to this. So, yay, I guess. And two, I actually, is this person based in the UK? Do you get a sense? Or the US? Do we know? I don't know.

I assume the US. Because it does seem like a very, like, U.S. type of thing. But I have heard. I think because they put poop. I feel like it's U.S. because they say poo. And maybe not loo and stuff. But, yeah, you're right. Okay.

But I have heard from. I'm trying to be nice here because I don't want to, like, shame anyone. I'm trying to be nice here because I don't want to like shame anyone, but I heard a story about a person that people I know in the UK know who actually did have to like get a knife and chop up their poo. And this person never, yeah, this person never lived it down. Like I heard this story so much and I'm just like. Do I know this person? You might.

Well, I'll tell you about it off air. Yeah. But apparently this is an issue that plagues people. Wow. Yeah. At least this family and this one other person. I don't think I've ever had this problem. What can I lie?

Can't say I have either. Never needed to chop up my fecal matter. Nope. Nope. Oh, God. that is a beauty of one because you hear about like the weird shit people's families did that people realized was only in their family and that one just it was like an extreme that also got aired in a way that is fucking hilarious not just to one person but an entire room of stoned people it sounds like

oh it would have been so funny yeah well there you have it that's just a lovely little so generational trauma of the poo knife and now the wife then using it for yeah basic needs

and she's like this like whole time I've touched that thing your poop oh my god I'm horrified but also like delighted I think it's a weird weird combination of feelings that really don't ever go together and I want to come up with like i'm sure there's like a word for that in another language but like i just like dehorrified i'm horolited. Thank you for sharing that one with me. Oh, you are quite welcome.

I'm glad we invented a new word, or you invented a new word as well. We probably can come up with something a little bit better if we think about it, so let me know. on that note um i know we had some other things to discuss but i feel like we've been chatting about literal shit for we have enough that maybe we should move into our m-i-v-s you know you are baby oh we reversed it do you see what we did there i like it better when you do it, though. All right, I've got two. I don't know which one to do. Both.

We'll make it a double whammy. Okay, I'll do this one first because it's quite quick. And then if I've got time, we'll do another one. Perfect. Am I the arsehole for thinking that marriage counselling is just my wife trying to break up with me through a proxy? Oh God, okay. Okay. I and my wife.

Annoying start, but okay. Yeah, why did you write it like that? My wife and I, or me and my wife. Anyway, are obviously going through a less than awesome marital phase. Mm hmm. Yeah. Why did you write it like that? My wife and I or me and my wife, anyway, are obviously going through a less than awesome marital phase. And she suggested that we try couples counseling. Other than the fact that it sounds absolutely horrible, I'm pretty sure there's zero point. My wife is pretty much perfect. She's smart, kind, funny, well liked by everyone who meets her. She's a professionally successful doctor and I'm an unemployed freelance photographer. I also have a slight drinking

problem, which is throwing a metric fuck ton of gasoline on our marriage. Sorry. Okay. I mean, that is some like self-awareness that is kind of impressive, but I suspect this person probably has very little insight otherwise. Sorry, go on. He goes on. So I really don't see how counseling will help because I think I'm too obviously the dead weight in our marriage. Because I think I'm too obviously the dead weight in our marriage. And I feel like the counseling is only going to offer her an opportunity to break up with me via a third party, which kind of pisses me off as a concept. Fair.

Am I the asshole? I feel like what he's trying to say is maybe his wife actually doesn't know it yet or see things the way he's seeing it and that she could do so much better which is kind of sad um because maybe she truly like doesn't feel that way you know um and that this counselor is going to be like why are you still married to this person and she's going to be like oh my god you're right i'm pretty sure that's not how couples counseling works though. No, but it is unfortunate that he like recognizes those things, that things aren't great between the two of them. She clearly wants to maybe try to do something to make it better. And he's kind of like, what's the point? I'm a piece of shit. You're going to leave me and this is how you're going to do it. Um, like, what's the point? I'm a piece of shit. You're going to leave me and this is how you're going to do it. When she maybe wants to see if it can get better. And so in that way,

I kind of do think this person's an asshole. And like, you could just communicate that with your wife, because it sounds like that's probably something you need to do better, maybe both of you. And if you had just said, you know, I'm a little concerned that like, the ultimate result is going to be you leaving me and this is going to be the conduit, which isn't going to make me feel good. So I'd rather just you do that now if that's kind of the end game. And then she could be like, I absolutely don't feel that way. I actually want a professional to help us maybe try to figure this out and make it work. But you're not going to know if you're just not – if you're going to give up. Sounds like this person is giving up, not going to try anything and just make these assumptions.

So yeah, like asshole, but I also think you might need some individual therapy. It sounds like you've got some self-esteem issues in addition to recognizing that maybe there's some aspects of your personality or behavior or I i'll say habits but maybe when you say slight alcohol problem i'm wondering if it's bigger than that uh that you you recognize you could maybe do some work on what are your thoughts sound advice okay sound advice but do you think this person's the asshole yes i do i agree that he's clearly got some self-esteem issues that needs to work on but his wife wanting counseling shows that she still cares and wants to invest and fix the relationship otherwise if she thought the drinking problem and the fact that you're

jobless and what have you were too much of an issue she'd just end it i don't think women are looking for help to break up a relationship by going to counseling i mean she would just do it on her own right like she would just go to counseling on her own to figure out the best way to do it rather than involve him. Yeah. Sorry, go on. And I think that he clearly could really benefit from it. And I think it would really probably help having a third party help them with their marital issues and also his individual issues that he's clearly going through. I think that'd be very beneficial to both of them so yes I think he's an arsehole for just assuming that

it's all for a bad cause I think it could only be beneficial really that's the hope but the couples counselor needs to be pretty good at their job and sometimes people do need to do individual work before they really do couples work which is why I've in my professional experience I've seen lots of couples counseling efforts and records and stuff and it's clear that like it's not going to be effective because of the other things that should be happening right but the hope is that both people need to go into it yeah with the view that they're both into it otherwise it's not gonna work well yeah and that's the other thing is usually it's probably one person more than the other wanting to do it and i actually wonder if this person maybe is a little bit like therapy's dumb anyways um but if one person is more invested than the other it seems like that's probably not going to be effective either so no but he obviously cares about his wife he's you know described her

as really successful and smart and funny basically me so yeah yeah exactly so what's he got to lose i know i mean that would be my question i wonder what the comments say like do you want to stay married to your wife because it seems like you do but then it also seems like you don't a little bit yeah it's a bit poor me, isn't it? Yeah. Hmm. Oh, woe is me. Woe is me. So one of the best comments I think is someone saying, Hey, OP, another hubby here. Give it your best shot, dude. Go to counselling. Best case scenario, you keep your marriage and things become happy again.

Worst case, you get some good insights on how to improve and she leaves you. Don't take the lowest option of ghosting your wife. Don't be scared i'd even suggest you suggest you go double duty don't know what that is do oh do couples therapy and see a therapist yourself reason being what you talk about individually no one else can know yeah you know and the other thing could be he's the one who decides to leave because maybe something about the relationship is what makes him drink and feel unemployed and like not motivated like something i mean he could get some insights and be the one to decide to leave and maybe he's also afraid of that i don't know people are really good at self-sabotage though yeah very true sad well we solved that one once again yep save the world saved a marriage you can

you know send us your thanks and gifts to talk shit to us at gmail.com think of it as kind of like a wedding gift but for us saving your marriage. Yep. I'd like a toaster. Thank you. Yeah. I've, you know, a blend jet would be really cool.

Oh my God. I hear they're awesome. They're portable and everything. Uh huh. You're going to soup in the forest. Well, that's a good one today, pal.

That's good. Yeah. I enjoyed myself very much and it's been great catching up after our hiatus two-week hiatus i mean to other people there's not been a hiatus but to us there has been and it's been terrible and i feel let's never do it again um so i think that homework for you pending my trip is to pick some of the best places that we talked about today to visit so that we can document and rate yes and i might put together like a local road trip to visit some and we can just take pictures ourselves describing things because it's going to be like there's a sign and a tree and it's raining and that's about it just kidding it's way more excited didn't mean to talk shit about where you live it's great i love it yeah thanks fine take it back and take it back i didn't mean it no well you do that and the next time you come here i will take you to butter sculpture land

to like your bread and then we'll go get like i don't know fried candy bars dipped in marshmallow rolled in a turkey leg on a stick and essentially try and bring on an early heart attack absolutely okay cool you're not gonna be able to sit in the plane seat on the way back you're gonna have to buy two fuck that sounds expensive it will be you're welcome thank you very much all right good chatting with you and you let's speak soon shall we okay all righty bye cock wallop We'll see you next time. you you