Talking Shit with a Yank & a Brit - 65. Nipples, Footskin & Linguine

Episode Date: January 9, 2025

Happy New Beard! This week we're going on an adventure and kick of the new year with a truly disgusting AITA (seriously, don't eat while listening to that..!)Send in your ideas, questions or problems to [e-mail] or @TSYBPOD

Hello. Hello and happy new year. Happy new bear year. Beer. Happy new beer. Happy new beard. Oh, thank you. I've been growing it over the festive period. Yeah, me too. That was my resolution, was to grow a beard and also embrace mediocrity because I decided that I might as well, if the rest of the country is doing that, I should too and see how far that gets me. Yeah. Why not?

May as well. Did you have... Oh, go ahead. I was just going to say I'm glad to see the back of 2024. Yeah I mean me too but can't say I've been super excited about 2025. So there's that but you know we had the holidays which are always supposed to be a fun happy time and never are. How were yours? Um, yeah, it was good. You know, seeing lots of people, eating loads of food, drinking lots of drink.

Um, really disappointed cause I didn't get one nap the whole time I was off. I'm really upset about that. But yeah, I'm, I'm looking forward to 2025. Last year was a shit show. Lost my job, lost my house. Family dog. Saddam's dog. Lost my dog. Shat myself on holiday. Bad year. You shat yourself? I'm not telling you. I'm sure we can. Why do I feel like you didn't? I feel like that. Why aren't you telling me every time you poop your pants?

Look, I got food poisoning and then I shat the bed. Maybe you did tell me that. Ugh. Man. Food poisoning in... Oh, maybe I'm thinking of when you were on holiday. Yeah, that's when it was. Oh yes, okay. I was thinking it was recently. It's the order in which I said things confused you. Yes, yes, yes.

Actually that was probably an omen, you know. Yeah, might have been. Get up on holiday, get ready for the shit show. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's actually true. I'm glad that you didn't have a repeat incident of encaprecis, which is, I think, the medical term for that. Oh, is it?

I think so. Nice to know. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But we'll see what 2025 brings because what's going down? Fingers crossed, right? Fingers crossed.

Hmm. I mean, we could probably talk at length about the things that have happened, at least in America and politically since our last episode, which yes, our dear listeners, we hear you, we know it's been a while. We deserve a break on the holidays. And, you know, just like take a break from your podcast sometimes. Okay. Yeah. What was that face for? The doctor did something pretty weird. Is it okay? Are you okay? Do I need to call the police? Yeah, I mean, he's in here now. You're stuck in here now, Baxter, unfortunately.

Oh, Baxter. Silly dog. He won. Yeah, but we are, you know, we're back again, once again, in your ear holes, talking all the shit. Mm-hmm. And hopefully warming up those heart holes. Oh, yeah, baby. That's what we're here for. Oh, yeah.

Well, I think today will be kind of a easy, lighthearted episode. I have been generating ideas and content for us for this new year. Yes. And I think one of my brilli- Did you hear that? Shut up, Baxter. I'll fuck you up.

Okay. Bye, Baxter. Hope you find your dad. Dear listeners, Gemma is removing the hound from her room because he is contributing far too much to this podcast and we don't want to hear his complaints about more dog content. I'm just narrating what you're doing. Your choice if you want to leave it in. He's the size of a bear.

He's just gonna have a little cox now so. Bye Baxter. Sorry, what were you saying before we got ready to talk to you? Fuck, I don't remember now. Should we just call it a day? Good thought. You threw me off. Sorry. Baxter! No, it's fine. I was just saying, you know, I've been generating some content ideas for the new year and some of it will, you know will be a surprise. One thing I've been

getting inspired by are more games for us to play, maybe some improv, which is always fun. I mean, we basically do improv every episode because none of this is really scripted at all. The whole thing is improved. But more intentional improv. Okay. This feels pressurized. is improv'd. But more intentional improv. Okay, good one. This feels pressurized. But I came across something that I thought you might enjoy.

I mean, I have a couple things, but I think the one I want to start with and whether we choose to do another one after, we can decide. But I think you will enjoy this. And this is a cue to music. I'm trying to think of how to describe like a maybe a light-hearted but kind of eerie or maybe whimsical magical type of music. Welcome to Choose Your Own Adventure, a Talking Shit and a Yank and a Brit. Do you know anything about Choose Your Own Adventure books, games? Have you ever read any of those books?

Negative. Okay. Books are a thing from the olden days. Are they? What is this book you speak of? It's like a verbal movie. What, like a podcast? Yes.

Okay. So like, I didn't read too many of these growing up, but there were these books where you could kind of, you would read a prompt and then at the bottom there would be like, do you want to open the door? Do you want to go downstairs? And then you basically, and it's like, go to page this if you want to do this. And then you kind of follow the outcome based on your choices, right? That sounds fun.

Yeah. And books are great, but I think Choose Your Own Adventure really shines in the form of like, video game. I was gonna say it sounds like a video game. Yeah, which I play a lot of kind of Choose Your Own Adventure video games too, that like the outcome is dependent on the choices you make throughout the game. But also, you know, I think this is, I'm not a Dungeons and Dragons fan. Do you know what that is? Yeah. But I always think that I probably could get into that if I were a nerd. Just kidding. I just think a lot of effort needs to go into it. But basically,

you know, you kind of like develop a character and you have missions and you develop your skills and your choices kind of impact the outcome of the game and there's someone who kind of leads it. That's not what we're doing today. This is just an online choose your own adventure click through a website called Clickhole that has a lot of different ones. Is that the name of that website? Yes. I think it's very fitting with our whole scheme.

Yeah. Pun intended. But for today, I thought, or at least for this first one, I thought you might like the you're a Hogwarts only guidance counselor. Can you convince anyone to go to college? Okay. I'm down. I'm in. Hogwarts only guidance counselor. Can you convince anyone to go to college? Okay, I'm down. I'm in okay So bear with me because I haven't practiced like clicking through this while also doing it with someone else So might be a little clunky folks, but fuck off We'll get there. Yeah, so I'm gonna read prompts and when there's choices, I will read them to you and then you pick and

I don't can you share your screen on here? I feel like I want to show you pick. And I don't, can you share your screen on here? I feel like I wanna show you pictures but I don't know if I can. No, I mean, really we should just go to Zoom because there's a lot more capability on Zoom. Yeah, well maybe pivot this year to something like that. But basically you're gonna, I'm just gonna have to describe the pictures to you, okay?

Okay. So imagine again, you're a guidance counselor at Hogwarts, or a Hogwarts-only guidance counselor, whatever that means. Zoom in on a picturesque castle with a nice pink sky. It's very medieval. I mean, you probably see this shit in your daily life in England.

This is not shit we see in America, but I know you are very familiar with the Harry Potter world, so I think you know what I'm looking at. It's effectively a picture of Hogwarts. Okay, cool. I'll make it. Caption. We're getting started now. Wow. Another day is dawning at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, the UK's top-ranked secret magic school where sometimes a kid will die and everyone just rolls with it. Wow. It killed me. Okay, moving forward. Picture of the Great Hall, you know, where they eat their

food and get sorted and there's that like kind of stage with the professor's table and stuff and rows of other tables. In the Great Hall, the flickering glow of a thousand enchanted candles illuminates the goblin's custodians as they scrape up the absolute carpet of last night's chicken scraps, pocketing some for later. In their studies, venerable professors of enchantment and spellcraft have sweat soaked robes over their awful bodies and quaff their mourning vials of griffon's blood to help them with their groin problems. In the cellar, ancient stones quiver and groan as some kind of fucking demon shows up for no reason.

And in the parking lot, you're having a panic attack in your car. Okay, it's passing. You're having a panic attack in your car. Oh. Okay. It's passing. You're a Hogwarts-only guidance counselor, and this happens to you every morning because your job is a nightmare. Oh, God. Thanks to the unholy powers they manifested before they knew the word puberty, the magical children in your care have no emotional vocabulary and zero coping skills. Standard, yeah. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to help them sort out their lives, children in your care have no emotional vocabulary and zero coping skills. Your job, if you choose to accept it, is to help them sort out their lives, but their

eyes completely glaze over at any problems they can't unzap with purple lightning. One time you attempted to tell a kid he should try exercising and he turned your appendix into a cactus. What a wanker. Yes, please. I'll try to pause so you can react, but yes, this is what I'm looking for. Very natural reaction to you being in this role. Yes. Also, you get no benefits and sometimes they pay you in dried lizard parts.

Right. Come on Dumbledore, sort your life out. So in addition to this, you might want to start thinking about unionizing. Yeah, I will. Okay, so the prompt says start your day and that's it. So I'm going to just go ahead and choose that for you, unless you want to stay in your car, in which case then we're done. No, I'll start my day.

Okay. All right. We're looking at a picture of a grand staircase. I think this is maybe one where we saw Emma Watson's character come down during that dance or whatever and she looks so, it's like the first time anyone realizes she's pretty. Yep. Because she's brushed her hair. Yeah.

Wearing a dress. Maybe wearing a little lipstick on that pale, pale face of hers. You make your way up to your musty little office in the Hoobly Grundle Thwait Memorial Spire. It's named for your predecessor who got pulled in half when some Ravenclaws tied him to two brooms and sent him flying in opposite directions. They never found his top. God, this sounds awful.

It was either this or business school. That's kind of where you were at. I don't remember Hogwarts being this violent. Yeah, I think they really watered it down for audience consumption, I think. But typical Hogwarts lore, I think, is more akin to the real grim fairy tales that are actually super dark. Yeah, probably. On your way up the stairs, you pass a pair of students taking turns ripping each other's souls part ways out of their bodies and then shoving them back in. That you do. The latest school fad that seniors claim gets you high. Their noses are both bleeding freely onto the carpet. One of the nearby enchanted paintings begs you to lick it. It takes 45 minutes to get

there because the stairs keep fucking spinning. Those fucking stairs. What a nightmare. Shall we get settled in? Yes. Please. We got some choices coming up soon. Okay, cool. Finally, you toss your briefcase onto the couch and sink into your desk chair. Sensing your presence, the enchanted portrait of Hoobly Grendelthright on your wall starts back up screaming at you to tell you how he died, as it does every morning, but it's blessedly muffled

by the extra thick towel you've tossed over it. Yeah, I'm so sick of that guy's shit. Honestly. Just every morning. Yeah yeah, we can't find your top, get the fuck over it. Okay, this half hour before your first appointment is by far the best part of your day. How will you spend it? You can either go over your schedule or do some magic. I wanna do some magic. I thought you might. Okay. Do you really think you'd be a guidance counselor

if you were any good at magic? No, unfortunately you graduated near the bottom of your class from Mr. Salamander Reader's Remedial trade academy for barely magic androgens. Just ahead of Belial Goose Hips, now a rare lizard farmer. And just behind, Capricorn Montenegro recently got turned into a permanent baby. You're roughly as magical as a very lucky rooster. Sounds about right. No! Fuck. You're roughly as magical as a very lucky rooster.

Sounds about right. But because you know that magic exists, the mandatory non-disclosure agreement you were forced to sign as a tiny child prohibits you from ever holding any secular job. Otherwise, you'll be magically sued by the secret government and or have all your memories repossessed. That said, you do know one spell. Do you want to cast it? Yeah.

Okay. It's a picture of a wand with some zhizh. With some zhizh. Now repeat after me. Plopam pepperonis. Plopam pepperonis. You cry and cast the spell that conjures a single loose nipple. My nipple or just a random nipple? It's just a single loose nipple. And with a flash and a squish, a brand new individual nipple

peers over your desk and flops onto the wood with a deli sound. This one seems male, but it's hard to say. Right. Cool. OK. What do I do with the nipple? Well, you have the option to get rid of the nipple. Would you like to?

Yes, please. Is it making you uncomfortable? Yes, very uncomfortable with the nipple on my desk. Yep. Fair enough. You gingerly peeled the nipple off your desk and put it in a drawer with the rest. No way in hell you're going to get the reputation as a faculty member with a trash can full of nipples. Why am I doing this spell over and over again? I've got a drawer full of nipples. And it is a picture of a drawer full of nipples. Well, five nipples anyways of varying shape

sizes and nipply bits. I mean, and if anything, folks, nipples come in all different shapes and sizes. They certainly do, yeah. But at this point, you're so good at the spell you could cast it in your sleep and sometimes And if anything, folks, nipples come in all different shapes and sizes. But at this point, you're so good at the spell, you can cast it in your sleep and sometimes you do. You still got a little more time before your day starts, so I guess you can go over your schedule. Okay, I'll go over my schedule.

Yeah, thanks. You should have done that in the first place. Close the drawer of nipples and pull out your book. All right. Looks like you've got four appointments on your docket today, four mandatory canceling sessions with hormones full in prep school teenagers, their egos throbbing with the power of young gods, who

will ignore everything you say, stare at you glassy-eyed as they imagine bending you to their will with sorcery, or at least blinding you. Another useless day. Pretty long lunch, though. And your schedule options are, I'm gonna read you the names. Cumbly Butterbreath, who is a Hufflepuff.

Spigot Saltimboka, who is a Slytherin. Copernica Gumped, what house do you think she's in or they are in? Ravenclaw. Good job. And then Ronald Weasley, who is famously known. Yes. And your options are Ugg, shit, or fuck this. Shit. Okay. You know what? It's time to change your life. You read a very persuasive Chipotle bag last night, and that's what it said.

You must change your life. The pictures of Fist going like this. You're tired of bunting. Today you're going to hit a home run or do the best thing you can do in Quidditch. You're going to scribble the big screamer or whatever. Today is the day you finally make a difference in these kids' lives.

Today is the day you finally break them out of their charmed autopilots and get them to seize the brew handle of their own destinies. Whoa! I'm so empowered right now. Today's the day you finally fucking convince a single Hogwarts student to even consider going to college. Okay.

I didn't know there was a wizard in college. Well, maybe we'll learn more about that today. Okay. Your options are, yes, it's time to start living, bring on the children. Those are your three options. Oh, I thought that was one option. No, yes is one, it's time to start living is another, and bring on the children is the third. Number two, please. It's time to start living. It's time to start living.

It's time to start living, baby. Baby. Okay. You whoop and holler at your desk for a while and become very lightheaded. Behind the towel, the enchanted painting whoops along with you. You force back the thought that it might be your one friend here. Might be. Someone's knocking at the door. This must be your first appointment. Cumbly, cumbly

butter breath. Do you say enter, behold, or do you try to magically open the door? I'm just going to say enter. I don't want more nipples. Okay, could you yell enter because it's all caps with an exclamation point? Enter! Good. Okay. So it's a picture of a little girl in a witch's hat and striped pink stockings and red boots. I'm going to go ahead and send you a picture of this for your reaction.

Just so you can visualize CUMLY BUTTER BREATH. What an unfortunate name. Yeah. All right. Incoming to you. It's not Cum Breath though. Yeah, right. That might be your nickname. Tell me your reaction to her.

Oh, she looks... Gap-toothed. That's what I'm looking for. Yeah, gap-toothed. She looks like sort of pippy long stockings with a witch hat. I'm not going to lie. She looks annoying. Yeah.

Hiya, chirps Cumbly plopping down on one of your enchanted armchairs, the one that tells lies about Tony Blair for money. Did you know that Tony Blair once spent 68,000 pounds on imported snow because his wife insisted it melts faster if you bury it and refused to get out from under her car until he proved it, says the armchair? Anyway, if you liked it, I have a Patreon

with a lot of great incentives for subscribers. Definitely check it out. OK, so you have three options to engage with CUMLY. You can say, tell me about yourself, CUMLY. Or you can say, how are you liking Hogwarts? Or you can say, what do you want to do with your life? Option number one, tell me about yourself, CUMLY. Good. I think that's a nice way to build some rapport with this annoying child. I was thinking, yeah.

Okay, so this apparently gets Cumlee real excited because here's how she looks now. And while you look at that. What? Okay, she's kind of got her knees together, hands on her knees. It's probably not something a young girl should do, to be honest. Nope. Kind of a gummy smile or something, I don't know. Or maybe she's like hissing like a cat, like, ah!

Oh yeah, maybe she's not that excited. But she does tell you about herself, as you've asked. Cool. She says, Oh, I don't know, I'm just your average Hogwarts student. I'm from a small oil rig off the coast of Dunford Ham on top of another Dunford Ham, and my parents sell counterfeit newspapers. She goes on to say, My favorite class is which animals is it okay to boil alive in pursuit of sorcerer powers with Professor Kennedy Shriver?

Because he makes boiling certain animals alive fun. My least favorite class is Just Two Potions with Professor Porm because that's not enough. She continues, My best friend is a living rose bush in the school woods that's guarded by a gigantic seagull you'll have to trick into eating its own beak. I have a crush on Albert Mephistopheles, even though Dumbledore turned his head into a mannequin head as punishment for smelling too much like one of his dead friends. My favorite food is fettuccine Alfredo eaten out of my mother's cupped hands, and my favorite spell to cast is one that summons most of a cowboy.

Right. Just like you thought, she's a stereotypical Hufflepuff. Next question. How are you liking Hogwarts? What do you want to do with your life? How are you liking Hogwarts? Same pose, just so you know. Oh, I absolutely love it here.

Hogwarts is the greatest place on earth and everyone here is so nice. Whoa. I don't know. That's what she said. It went dark. I still remember on my very first day here, a girl walked right up to me and said, I'm Lucretia Osobuko. Do you want to see how time began? Then she cast a spell to open a portal till the beginning of time,

where together we watched God get the idea for time from reading Sports Illustrated's annual What Time Is It Issue? After that, we were fast friends until she went through a very rapid growth spurt and got permanently wedged in one of the bathroom stalls. You can go back to tell me about yourself, Cumbly, or what do you want to do with your life? Right, what do you want to do with your life, Cumbly? Come on. All right. Go ahead and give me your reaction to this. In response to that question, she... She's holding a carved pumpkin and grinning at me. She proceeds to say, that's easy.

I want to live deep in the woods, seduce younger men and then shrink them down to the size of crickets and trap them in the spooky squash. Me too, girl. I feel that actually. That resonates with me. She says, it'll be sort of like a terrarium for boys. I'll feed them corn kernels. Okay. Sounds interesting. I like where your thinking is heading.

Well, you can't say that as a guidance counselor because you need her to go to college, right? So you're feeling like this is in fact, oh no, bad start is what it says. I forgot I was a counselor. Your follow up question options are one, how will you make money? Two, do you think you'll find that fulfilling? Three, won't they be able to get out of the top because the squash is open at the top? Yeah. Do you think you'll find that fulfilling? Yes, I think she will. I mean given this next picture, her response from her, somehow procured more squash.

Where's she keeping all of these? She loves the squash. She says, of course I will. Cumbly's eyes are glittering like two CDs sparkling in a microwave. If I ever get tired of hunting for younger men to make army man-sized, I'll just start playing God to my tiny boy gourd society. I'll blast Lupe Fiasco until the base shakes their tiny pumpkin seed huts apart and make them start over from scratch. Or I'll shrink a lady down and force them to compete for her affection like a tiny

pumpkin themed season of The Bachelorette. This girl's brain is worrying. Well, and your only follow up question to that is a reasonable one, which is how will you make money? How will you make money, Cumley? Oh, I'm already very wealthy. She's sitting on the floor now with the squash between her going. I'm already very wealthy. Last year I came up with a potion that sends you into blissful, tranquil, dreamless sleep. You can take a smaller dose just to feel a gentle, long-lasting

euphoria. I call it Cumley's Brain Glop. Mmm. Shit name, but I'm interested. It turns out it's actually super addictive too, so I've been cooking up huge quantities of it in the potions lab, shipping it all over the wizarding world and turning a massive profit. Then I invest that in gold and trick Hagrid into swallowing it for safekeeping." God, so we've got a fucking wizard meth cooker. Well, your response actually is, that sounds like heroin. Yes.

And she says, yes. Your prompt to choose is, well, have you thought at all about college, Cumley? Well, have you thought at all about college, Cumley? Okay, this one's got quite a few options, just FYI. Cumley says, if I have, someone must have pulled the idea out of my mind and trapped it in some kind of magic music box. That happens a lot here. What's college? Now's your time to shine. Okay.

Here are your options. Option one. College is a very expensive way to meet men named Bryant and then much later find out they died climbing on top of a subway car. Option two. College is where you stock up on all the experiences your young brain needs to make nightmares for the rest of your life. Option three, college is where you go to lose your mouth virginity to a dancer. Option four, college is where you learn one thing pretty well and then spend the rest of your life figuring out if anybody wants to talk about it. And finally, college is what risky business is all about. I think the movie because it's in quotes and capitalized and shit.

Oh, okay. Sorry, can you give them to me again? Yes. Option one. College is a very expensive way to meet men named Bryant and much later find out he died climbing on top of a subway car. Two colleges where you stock up on all the experiences your young brain needs to make nightmares for the rest of your life. Three colleges where you go to lose your mouth virginity to a dancer. Four colleges where you want to learn one thing pretty well, and then spend the rest of your life figuring out if anybody wants to talk about it and then risky business.

I'm going to go with number two, the way you make your nightmares come true. Got it. Oh, I don't know. She looks a little skeptical but says, huh, that doesn't sound appealing at all. Will I learn a bunch of new cool new spells at college? Like one that melts someone's teeth together into one big tooth? Yes That is an app that is an option

For there are four options the first one being no, but you'll learn all about literature or even French literature To know but you'll make lifelong friends you can grow up alongside. Three, no, but you can expand your consciousness with drugs. And four, yes. Yes. She says, it's obvious you're lying. The ornate tattoo on your neck that says liar is grow glowing. She'snate tattoo on your neck that says liar is glowing. She's right. She found your tell for the umpteenth time

you curse your mother's unconventional parenting style. Fucks sake, mother. Why would you lie to me like that? Why would you lie to a child? You're a faculty member and you'd lie to a child just like that? Yes. Your option is to say, I'm sorry. sorry I'm so sorry I just wanted to help.

I'm so sorry. Well it's all one. So sorry I just wanted to help. Yeah I don't think this college is for me. I'll stick to trapping shrunk boys in my old lantern in the woods thank you very much. Well I've stick to trapping shrunk boys in my old lantern in the woods, thank you very much. Well, I've got to get to class. Have a great day, a truly great day." And Cumley proceeds to flounce out of your office, leaving you alone with your failure. Brilliant. I'm Tony Blair himself, says the enchanted chair.

I forgot he was there. Yeah, I forgot about Tony Blair, the chair. You can even either sigh, howl, or howl-sigh. I want to howl-sigh. Care to demonstrate what that's like? Oh! Now that there's less air in your body, you feel a little bit better.

You beefed it with CUMLY, that's for sure. But you still got three more chances to get it right. Might have to adjust your tactics though. Plus a nice long lunch break. Yay. You've got a little bit more time before your appointment with spigot saltimbaka. What do you want to do? Run to the bathroom, learn a new spell or sit motionless and try to stop your heart. Learn a new spell.

If there's one thing you learned from your one free consultation session with a life coach, it's that it's never too late to learn new skills. The other thing you learned was that life coaches are both super expensive despite definitely doing worse in their lives than you are. It was a very helpful session. With a grunt you heave your barely used copy of the Dollard's Tome of spells that probably won't kill you but might onto your desk. Cool. Open to a random spell. The first spell you see is Totanus foldemup. When performed correctly, the spell instantly converts a single pizza into a calzone and vice versa.

If performed incorrectly, the spell's casters' skin may switch places with their skeleton or vice versa. Oh, that's quite risky. I really like pizza, so that is is good spell, but I need my skin. I agree, and I think the other issue is like, it doesn't appear you have a pizza in this moment. That's true, yes. Didn't even think of that. I mean, maybe you do. I don't think you do, though.

I usually do have a pizza quite nearby. Yeah. But- Not today. Yeah, not today. So yikes. This one looks maybe a little heavy duty or than you want. Uh, so let's flip to a different page.

Shall we? Yes. The next spell is omnibus inflegrado. Care to guess what this one does? Omnibus inflegrado. I feel like it's going to set something on fire. Good job. Thank you.

When performed correctly, the spell creates a massive pillar, an absolutely massive pillar of fire that ignites the Earth's atmosphere. Ooh, fuck. If performed incorrectly, the spell will create an absolutely massive pillar of fire that ignites the Earth's atmosphere. Okay, cool. So I can't really go wrong. pillar of fire that ignites the earth's atmosphere. Okay, cool. So I can't really go wrong. Okay.

So you'll definitely learn some new magic at some point, but maybe now is not the time. Good on you for trying though. Thank you. Appreciate that. Yeah. God loves a try. There's a firm meaty knock at your door.

This must be spigot. Enter! Say that again. There's a firm meaty knock at your door. This must be Spigot. Enter! Say that again. Enter! Just a sec. For a couple quid I'll tell you why Tony Blair sleeps inside a shell-ecked beaver dam says the enchanted chair. Cool cool cool thanks Tony. You can say come on in or behold in all caps. Behold! I didn't realize behold was like a an enter. Yeah. Command. Yeah me neither. Okay. Hey um I'm here for my appointment. Loving these characters by the way. Your reaction is to think, Jesus, what the hell? This guy seems way too grown up to be a Hogwarts student and he smells like an Amtrak hot dog. Is he a man with a tan?

Amtrak is our version of a train company, kind of like British Rail, I think. Gotcha. And naturally, your first question is, are you really Spigot Saltimbaka? Are you really Spigot Saltimbaca? Are you really Spigot Saltimbaca? You can ask, aren't you a little old for a Hogwarts student? Yeah, go for it. Yeah, I got held back a bunch.

Spigot settles into the enchanted armchair with a grunt. Up close, the hot dog smell is overpowering. And underneath it, you catch whiffs of what you're pretty sure is Abercrombie Fierce Cologne, the one with the hunk torso on the bottle. It's losing the battle with the hot dog smell. This guy's not going to go to college, is he? Probably not if you got held back a bunch. But you're going to try anyway.

All right, I'll try anyway. Based on what he said about getting held back a bunch, it's natural that you maybe want to explore that. Do you want to ask him why? No. I don't care. Are we just going to stop then? Oh.

I thought there were options. Yeah. No. Some of these are just you don't really have an option. OK. Yeah, fine. Yeah. I'll ask him what happened.

OK. This one does have options, just you know mm-hmm oh sure first time was cuz my grades were so bad next time's cuz I pranked Snape by switching his medicine with rare fish eggs and actually got him desperately addicted to expensive rare fish eggs then there were a bunch of years where a dark wizard had me trapped in the same looping minute so I kept getting marked absent having to do the year over again. Jokes on them though. Because I got to eat a totally good hot dog like a billion times. Oh, that's why you smell of hot dogs.

But after that classes didn't seem so important and all my friends graduated so I had been seeing if I could steal a teacher's glass eye. I haven't pulled it off yet because none of the eyes I've gotten close to have turned out to be glass. They hold me back every time they catch me doing it, which is every time. I figure it's gotta happen soon enough though, law of averages and shit. Yeah, you know. So you can ask him or say to him,

you must be pretty great at magic by now, that's one. Two is, do you even like Hogwarts at this point? And three is, do you have any plan for when you graduate? Let's go for you must be pretty great at magic by now He's gonna say no He says oh for sure. I'm probably the most powerful wizard in the UK at this point I can cast all forbidden spells the one that turns someone permanently Lebanese the one that gather gathers all the world powerful wizard in the UK at this point. I can cast all forbidden spells, the one that turns someone permanently Lebanese, the one that gathers all the world's ants in one spot, even one that braids three people together.

Oh, well that's great. Human centipede. Would you mind keeping that quiet though? I think Dumbledore would have me killed if he found out. I'm pretty sure I'm technically a weapon of mass destruction. Sure, sure, sure, sure. So your remaining two options are, do you even like Hogwarts at this point?

Or do you have any plans for when you graduate? Do you have any plans for when you graduate? Cut to the chase, I like it. Oh yeah, I'm all set. Got a sweet gig lined up with Hagrid. The school only pays him in big roast turkey legs, so he's been supplementing his income, selling magical animal organs to Brazilian hedonists.

They use them for delicacies or powders or maybe rituals. We don't really ask. But if there's one thing you need when you're extracting magic animal organs to sell to Brazilians, it's ditches. Lots of ditches. Stuff goes everywhere if you don't have a good ditch for it. And if there's one thing I'm good at, it's ditch digging thanks to my barbarian physique. So to answer your question, I'm gonna dig ditches for Hagrid to put organs into.

He's gonna pay me in turkey legs. organs in two, he's gonna pay me in turkey legs. I'm dumbfounded. You remind yourself of what your goal here is today. And you may ask him, and it is your only option. Have you considered going to college? Yeah, that was gonna be my next question. Have you considered going to college? See, you know your job well.

I know what I'm doing. Me, at college? Yeah. Jeez. I don't know, I hadn't really planned my life any further than digging ditches for turkey legs. Do you think going to college could help me achieve my dream? Yeah.

What dream do you think he's talking about? What dream is he talking about? What's that, you ask? What's that, I ask. I wanna be the first wizard in history to cast a spell on the queen that makes her puke out tadpoles on live TV during your jubilee. I think it'd be funny, and maybe she'd shout something like,

I can't believe all these tadpoles. I can't believe all these tadpoles. I can't believe all these tadpoles. People could do remixes. Will college help with that? You have three options here. You could say, sure. You could say, it just might. Or you could just smile silently.

It just might, or you could just smile silently. It just might. You squeeze out something non-committal and fake a cough to keep Spigot from seeing the faint glowing of your liar tattoo. He says, well, no, you had my attention. Well, you had my attention, but no, you have my interest. Or, hmm, you have both my, I don't know how that one goes. Tell me more about college.

Oh, I've got him hooked. You can say one option, I could tell you, or I could show you. Oh, I like it. What am I showing him? Mm, we're getting there. Whoa, you do that for me? Show me a college for me?

I'm Spigot and you do that for me? Yeah. Gemma, it's working. He seems genuinely excited. Your heart leaps with something you haven't felt since the day firefighters freed you from your padlock your ex put on your shower. And that is hope.

Can you teleport us to a college? He asks. Oh no, I'm not very good at magic. You say, sure I can. This is so exciting. No one at Hogwarts has ever believed in me before except for Hagrid, but only because of my bulging biceps and roguish twinkle.

Oh wait, no, he says this, nevermind. Sorry, I got confused. Sure I can, this is so exciting. Cause you ask him if he can teleport, anyway. No one at Hogwarts has ever believed in me before except for Hagrid, but only because of my bulging biceps and roguish twinkle in my eye. You, before he does this, plug good college into Google

Maps and point to where it comes up. From his pocket, Spigot produces a strand of leaping linguine and the two of you start slurping from either end. When your lips touch, there's a flash and a sharp scent of frost basil and you're somewhere else. All right. Where do you think you end up? Lincolnshire. Is there a college there? I don't know, probably.

Well, wrong. Suddenly you hear, hi, welcome to Princeton. My name is Constance, and I'm guessing you're sudden impossible materialization materialize materialization. There we go. Materialization that you're here for the tour. The world snaps around you into focus.

Towering old buildings crusted with photogenic vines, sprawling quads were hoary titans of academia recline and tenderly guided co-eds hands out their tenderly let me start over sprawling quads were horny titans of academic recline and tenderly guide co-eds hands towards their tenure buttressed groins healthy healthy-breasted students of all genders and some races playing grab ass and the Magnolia Groves. Wow. This is a very sexual- This is Ivy League too. Yes, this is a college if you've ever seen one and you've only ever seen one,

but that's enough to make a statement. You and Spigot peel some residual past off yourselves and get presentable. You have two options you can say. We're here for the tour or we're secret wizards from Brexit Island. Brexit Island. Yeah, we're here wizards from Brexit Island. Brexit Island. Yeah, we're here for the tour.

Sure thing says Constance and breaks into what you can only describe as a backward sprint. Almost suddenly she trips over a jetting stone, lands hard in her palms and seamlessly starts scuttling like a four-limbed centipede for a bit before pulling herself upright mid-stride. This happens again and again throughout the tour. A little about me, she cries.

I'm a sophomore trampoline major from New Connecticut, Connecticut, and my main activities are field hockey and the anti-field hockey guerrilla battalion. I'm currently under disciplinary review for cowardice. You jog after her. You do your best to keep up with Constance, who finally pauses by a gorgeous residential building.

This is Amanda's dorm. With a state of art amenity, central air conditioning, easy to access academic building, it's no wonder every Princeton student wishes they were Amanda, living by herself in this cavernous dorm complex built entirely for her. They say Amanda drags her mattress to a different room every night, but since no one's allowed in, no one knows for sure. You may ask what happens when Amanda graduates.

Would you like to? Yes, please. Oh, they'll never let her, not until she pays off the cost of that dorm, and that'll take centuries. Constance then sprints scuttles off to the next horse stop. So you chase after her. Okay.

Oh God, this is getting a little boring. There are, okay, moving forward, we're just going to power through. Keep going. Over, sorry, what was that? I just said keep going. Okay. Over there is a prospective student shantytown. As I'm sure you know, Princeton admissions are extremely competitive. It's important for our admissions officer that applicants be not just outstanding scholars

but truly dedicated to the university. We couldn't be more thrilled that our most enterprising applicants start taking it upon themselves to camp out at the edge of campus to prove their commitment. What started as a scant few shacks has now grown into a sprawling village of high schoolers who barter, fight for scraps and brave the wild dogs for a slim chance of getting an acceptance letter. At this point, if you don't live in the shanty town,

you've got no shot at Princeton. Princeton's an Ivy league school. So like some of this is not fully inaccurate. I mean, obviously it's not true, but it is a hard to get into school. So like some of this is not fully inaccurate. I mean, obviously it's not true, but it is hard to get into school. That's just as an aside. As you watch a pack of haggard dogs drag a kid in a filthy cardigan screaming into a nearby wood. Hmm. Spigot seems bored and disengaged. Hopefully the tour pikes his interest soon so you can finally get a Hogwarts

student to go to college for goddamn once. Yeah. You continue the tour. This is our brand new totally state of the art primate behavior research lab. It's the most advanced lab of its kind in the country, if not the world. The apes look over almost immediately. It's theirs now. We don't go in there anymore. Oh, they took over almost immediately and they don't go in there anymore. It belongs to the apes now.

You continue to follow Constance. This is the math, math pit where most math comes from. Digging for math is backbreaking, thirsty work. Ooh, what does this sound like? Bitcoin mining. Well, but also who has an interest in digging things. Well, yeah, exactly. Spigot, whatever his name is. Yep. Digging for math is back baking thirsty work. Every day men go in and

fewer come out. But there's something at the bottom of that pit, something big and old, very old. It's waiting for us. Can you feel it? It drives us on. It wants to be found, dug up, to rejoin this world, to unfurl every part of itself and raise up its terrible cry to shake the spine of God in heaven. We will unearth it soon. We must we must we must we must. Constance then wipes some blood from her nose and hustles on. Suddenly you realize you've totally lost track of Spigot.

He's nowhere to be found. Oh, fuck. Do you want to continue the tour or do you want to look for Spigot? I'll look for Spigot. That's the reason I'm fucking here. Leaving Constance to continue the tour for nobody, you sprint across campus, crying Spigot's name and occasionally your own name for a variety. Why not? Yeah, why not? You run past a gang of hooting burly boys in identical tank tops taking turns slurping preserves out of each other's stubble. A bunch of crunchio types sitting serenely around an acoustic guitar that's lying there on the grass, just lying there, and a weathered guy with a fucking unbelievable physique in a rumpled

old wizard's uniform playing a lawn game. Wait a minute. Yep, it's Spigot. He's playing cornhole with a couple of kids and head to toe seersucker. His eyes are riveted to the game with a feverish intensity that frankly kind of freaks you out and he's also very bad at it. Do you know what cornhole is? Nope. It's this game where there's like two boards that are on like kind of like inclined with the hole in the middle and you have to throw bags into the hole. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. I've seen that. Yeah.

Yeah. You only can think of to ask, what the hell, Spigot? And so I make you. Yes. thank you. I'm sorry, he rasps, his voice weirdly flat, like when you ask mom the wrong question about dad. His devil-make-hair swagger is gone and he doesn't even look up at you, instead just staring fixably at the opposite hole. I saw these guys playing this game and I had to try it.

I don't know why. I just got to get the bean bag in the hole. I've got to keep trying. I have to. At this point, you're thinking, we got to go back to Hogwarts. Yeah. When you say as much.

He's resistant. He says, no, you go. Not me. I have to stay here. I have to keep playing. I think I'm addicted. Years without purpose, and suddenly everything snaps into place, the bag, the hole.

It's my whole world now, my hole with an H world. Well, my job here is done. I mean, I feel like you've accomplished your goal. He laughs joyously and heaves a beanbag. It goes way wide. He turns to you and says, take this leaping linguine and go. Don't try to take me with you or I'll turn your blood into hair. All right.

You have two options here. Knowing what your goal is, but also keeping in mind what your job is, you can either slurp the linguine or tackle Spigot. I'm going to slurp the linguine. Bye Spigot. Grudgingly you accept the insorcelled pasta. That didn't go great. You accidentally got a student completely addicted to cornhole. You didn't even get to see a statue of Einstein or anything.

Well, he's at college, isn't he? I mean, that's how I feel. Oh well, no one will probably even notice Spigot's gone, except for maybe Hagrid, but at this point Hagrid knows if he reports a student missing, everyone will assume it's his fault. And at least you got a student to a college. That's a step in the right direction. I'm taking it as a win. So you smear some lipstick around your thumb and forefinger, feed one end of the leaping linguine between them and start slurping and poof, you're back to your office. And I think just for timing sake, we will carry on another time. Because you've got two more appointments.

This could be a three hour episode if we carry on. I didn't realize it would be that long, but how did you feel about that? It was good fun. Okay, so part two maybe one day. Just remember that we are leaving off with you leaving Spaghetti at Princeton, fully addicted to cornhole. You slurped his noodle and ended up back up at Hogwarts. I did not slurp his noodle.

I mean, you did. I did. It's just what it implies. I don't, you know. Well, that was good. Sorry, I just got carried away. I disassociated because this was so boring. I'm sorry if that was boring.

I was hoping it'd be more amusing. But I have hope in these Choose Your Adventure games and maybe we'll even make my own one day for you to go through if anyone has any ideas about what they would like to see as the plot of a Choose Your Own adventure game for Gemma. You know what to do. That's the Nick Hates way.

Write it in, T-S-Y-B pod. Talkshittous.gmail.com. Oh yeah, that's it. Should we rap with a, am I the asshole? You know I am baby Okay Okay

My husband admitted he was chewing his dead foot skin while we were about to get it on and now I never want to be intimate again Oh My god about to get it on and now I never want to be intimate again. Oh my God. That's even more disgusting than the image I had of the frat boys drinking jam out of their beards. Okay. The title says it all. We were snuggling and started to get intimate and I felt his jaw munching on something over and over.

I couldn't focus on what we were about to do and I finally blurted out, what are you eating? He said, you don't want to know. And like, I can't explain it, but I somehow instantly knew. I had found a pile of dead skin on a few different occasions on the dresser and I've walked in on him exfoliating his feet aggressively on our bed with flakes flying everywhere. I responded with, oh no. And that's when he confirmed that he was chewing on a piece of dead skin from his foot.

This is making me gag. Like actual gagging. I'm not faking it. That actual... okay. Okay, nearly done. Not only that, but he admitted that this has been a habit of his for a while now. I've made out with this man. I cannot accept this reality. I cannot believe this is happening. No, me neither. Like trying to self soothe by rocking back and forth. Do you know what it reminds me of? Have you seen a gold member? Oh yes. I have the skin. Yes, that's a bit...

Oh, God. Is that it? That the end? Is she... I mean, I feel like she didn't even need to ask this question, or they. I am so repulsed that I feel like, I don't know if I can actually continue with your life. Yeah.

Oh God. Okay, get it together, Kate. No, I don't think she's the asshole in this instance because that is unhygienic and upsetting and disturbing. What if his feet are clean? I don't think it makes a difference. No? No.

Okay, well does this make a difference that apparently this is an anxiety disorder and someone has linked to Healthline.com and it's called auto cannibalism. I mean it provides some insight into why which makes it I feel like is helpful because like it's hard to envision why like someone who does that and like and for any rational basis right it's still very upsetting and I think if we focus on the premises if she's an asshole for not wanting to be physically intimate with him or feeling like she can't be because of it like she's allowed to have a natural reaction to his, I guess, behaviors that stem from his mood disorder. It also, I think, depends on like, what his other hygiene is like.

I have a thing, I really hate seeing other people's toenail clippings but I really hate it even though we all have toenails I clip my own toenails but seeing someone else's like... There is I can't remember what this is from now after all these years though I think about it often there is a TV show or a movie where one character was like clipping their toenails and the other character who I think was a roommate was like, could you vacuum those up? Those things are creepy to step on. And I was kind of like, I mean, that is a, I think a good summation of, of reason why toenail clippings are kind of gross. Yeah.

So yeah, I feel the same way about that. And it's sure, like, let's say her husband does have anxiety issues and this disorder of auto cannibalism and this is like, you know, but again, it's kind of like, until you do something to maybe treat those issues, like it impacts me. Yeah. Yeah. I don't want to eat. I mean, eat your foot skin in your own space.

You know, do what you need to do. Like he could have just been super private about it and she would have never known, you know, the fact that she learned about it, like when they were starting to get intimate, I imagine it's really hard to like separate the two now. Yeah. It's kind of like a trigger, hearing a noise of like that maybe a bird during a traumatic event. It's so hard to undo.

Best comments. Tell him that's how people get athletes mouth. Is that a real thing? Best comments. Tell him that's how people get athletes mouth. Is that a real thing? Next comment. Hoof and mouth disease. Leave it to Reddit to make something so horrible and cringy funny. I mean, OK, put yourself in this person's shoes. Think about it with Alan. No.

How would you respond to this? No. No, I won't. No, I just won't simply go there. OK, just a partner. It doesn't have to be Alan. My first reaction would be, what the fuck? Can you not?

It's fucking gross. And also followed up with why. Mm-hmm. And how long. Why and how long. When did you last shower? Um, do you have varucus? And can you understand why this is really difficult for me? Yes. Do you understand what's just happened? Yeah. Oh, that poor person. Poor girl. Oh, day. Yeah, I didn't catch it if you said it was female or not.

No, I didn't say. Yeah, neutralizing of it. But yeah. Well, on that note, nipples, foot skin and linguine. Nipples, foot skin, just writing that down. Episode title done. Linguine. So yeah, we are back with a bang, clearly. I'm sorry if anyone's eating. Maybe I should put a disclaimer at the top. Trick or warning, maybe don't eat. Well, you listened to this episode.

Yeah. That's a good idea. Probably a good idea. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Hey, and you know what? If anyone has experience with this directly or indirectly, maybe not the foot skin, but like auto cannibalism.

Again, I get this. I do understand that this might be something that's a condition or something that is just like psychologically based. And I can have empathy there, but I still think about how that impacts other people and what is reasonable following that. So that's why I don't think this person's an asshole

because it's understandable even if this is a condition. Of course, don't be a dick about it, but have a conversation about how this has impacted you. Maybe therapy is necessary. Figure out a way to see if you can create some positive experiences following this experience to help minimize that. But I understand.

Yeah. Is there any way you can self-soothe using another method? Yeah, like rocking. Yeah, exactly. Worked for me. Rocking back and forward, I don't know, tugging on your pubic hair, something doesn't affect other people. I mean, I suspect that anybody who maybe has auto-cannibalistic experiences or engages in that kind of behavior, the recommendation would be to get therapy and perhaps medication, because I don't think there's probably a realm where anybody would say,

well, that's a healthy coping skill. Yeah, don't think there's probably a realm where anybody would say, well, you know, that's a healthy coping skill. Yeah, don't worry about it. It's surprising though in the comments how many people have experienced people doing this. Yeah, I think hair eating is one that I've heard about. You know, I think nail biting even, like, as people talk about doing that, like anxious or nervous, I think technically that counts even if you aren't intentionally trying to eat your nails, but you do I don't know and I've seen people Like in videos that are like on public transport like biting their own toenails Some things you just should do in private. Oh

Some things you just should do in private. Oh, well, look, it's fun to be back, guys. Thank you for listening. We'll be back in your ear holes, possibly weekly, possibly bi-weekly. Who knows? You know, we'll figure that out. It's a surprise. Who knows? You know, we'll figure that out. It's a surprise.

Yeah, we're into the surprise style podcasting where you get an episode, maybe get a few on a consistent basis, and then we disappear for a while. Yeah. We are fucking with the algorithms. We don't want you to get too attached either. No, and talking of the algorithms, if you want to follow, subscribe, recommend us to people you know, that'd be great. Yeah.

Yep. Maybe tell them not to start with this episode. No, maybe. So they know it's not always this disgusting. Hey, I've missed you. I've missed you too. It was good to see you. And you.

Talk and shit with you. Until next time. Until next time. Ta-rah! Ta-ta! Woo!