Talking Shit with a Yank & a Brit - 9. Ball Point Pen Breakdowns

Episode Date: May 24, 2023

This week we're talking crazy laws, hilarious reviews of Bic ball point pens & sugar free gummy bears, nightmare fuel and a shame corner. Get in touch with the pod and share your stories, shame corners, questions or dilemmas at [e-mail], review, rate and share for more Talking Shit!If you want to order your very own BlendJet2 and get 12% off and free 2 day shipping, just click the link https://zen.ai/tspod12

My husband has never allowed me to write, because he doesn't want me touching- Oh, stop! Sorry. Welcome back to Talking Shit. With a yank. And a Brit. Whee! We did it hey

oh Eric's farted the dog has let one go oh yeah I can smell it from here that's how strong it is dog farts are the worst alright well how are you I'm here. That's how strong it is. Mad dog farts are the worst. All right.

Well, how are you? You know, I'm doing fine. Good. So am I. Great. And this is one of those instances where we're not just saying this. We're legitimately fine. We're legitimately well. In ourselves and in our bodies.

Yep. Everything's A plus. A-okay. As they say. Yep. No, I mean, I'm tired. Long week. How about you?

Yeah, same. Back to work. Yeah, back to work. And first five-day week for a while so it's tough oh god i have no sympathy for you there at all it's genuinely a struggle i mean you guys do have a lot of bank holidays which is something i appreciate yeah you guys don't or have any holiday to take correct we do have a equivalent of a bank holiday coming up next monday not a week from this coming monday yeah so do we yeah i think this is one of

the few where they're the same but ours is is Memorial Day and yours is, I don't know, whoever's 50th birthday celebration anniversary, Jubilee. I don't know. Who's fucking Jubilee D, is it? It's actually just the summer bank holiday. So Memorial Day equivalent, pretty much. That's kind of what ours is too. Okay, cool. so memorial day equivalent pretty much that's kind of what ours is too okay cool but it's also you're meant to like remember i don't know i think so dead soldiers or something yeah

just in general i just probably offended a lot of people if they actually listen to this podcast yeah there's a memorial component but it also is the kickoff to summer. Just remember the days of winter gone by. Something. Something like that. Do you have any plans for it? Yours? No, I've got a busy weekend next weekend.

I've got gigs on Saturday gigs on Sunday where at I'm doing a wedding on the Saturday didn't know it was a wedding thought it was just a birthday party but apparently it's a wedding and I'm DJing afterwards by DJing

I mean I'm playing a Spotify playlist so did these people lie to you about what type of party it was to get, like, a discount? Potentially, yeah. I just thought it was, like, yeah, like a party. You say it's a party, you say it's a wedding, price goes up, right? Is that true there? Yeah.

Okay. That's what they did. So, I hope you guys bill accordingly. They're drastically underpaying us. Bless you for creating a Spotify playlist. I know. I mean, I'm getting a bit extra for hanging around and using my phone for some music, so I can't complain. Is the other gig on Sunday, is that like something you can plug?

You know, it's going to be at the Horse and Cock Inn down in Brumley Cockknob Road. Very close, actually. It's at the Woodcock Inn. Yes! Knew it.

In Eidenon Green. So if anyone fancies coming along, if you're in Old Blighty, do. Don't know what time it's going. Probably the afternoon. Around three or four, I imagine. Maybe

27th? 28th. There we go. Yeah. So do come down. Cheer us along. Give us some money. Thank you. Dance. Dance.

Have a fun time. Dance, dance. Hopefully it'll be sunny. Annie, did you notice if we had any follow-ups to any anything recently I feel like I you know I heard that fun fact from Silas about how public schools in England are basically considered the fancy schools yes so thanks for that Silas because I think that's weird yeah it doesn't really make sense does it yeah it doesn't really make sense does it this is probably something i want to talk to you about more on another day uh but i am really curious for you to explain to me like i'm five and to our listeners at home

the the like layout of education in england because I still despite asking questions about it not sure I could actually explain it yeah I'll have to uh we'll revisit that one but weirdly our public schools are the posh schools that people pay to go to and private schools are like states anyone can go i think yeah yeah um funny but i may be fact checked on that i'll have to look it up did you go to private school or public school i thought private was i'm very confused i mean i went to a normal school you went to a school i went to a school where i didn't have to pay that was like in your community and that was like the school that you went to because you lived in that community right yes what's it called i'm trying to google it what's a normal school

in the uk i already derailed us and i'm sorry yeah community schools okay all right well i did go to a community college as they called it it was well and that is where i want to hear i want us to talk more about it because like college for you is different than college for us which i know now but yes we'll uh we'll do some research we'll circle back on that one if you have any school questions to ask either of us send them in or you know silas keep it coming with your fun facts yeah silas could you do a report and send it through to us we'll read it out like we wrote it 600 words double spaced one inch margins typeface times new roman let's not get fancy 12 font thank you thank you cheers I look forward to

receiving it okay it'll be read aloud all right moving on so this week I thought it would be funny to, well, first of all, I was talking to a good friend earlier about a- Who I'll kill him. Stop being so jealous. Sorry. sorry um so there's a a law in the uk which may be a myth but it's a well-known law that pregnant women can legally go up to a policeman and ask to piss in its hat in their hat i feel like i've heard this yeah so i've tried've tried looking it up and there doesn't seem to be any legislation for this. But it is like a well-known thing that you can, if you're pregnant, you can relieve yourself in a policeman's helmet.

Like, do you have to be, you think noticeably observantly obviously pregnant or someone who perhaps is not pregnant appearing i'm two weeks gone i need to pee in your hat i might not look pregnant but or i just have naturally slim build, okay? And I just cannot keep weight on. I haven't popped yet. I haven't popped. How willing are you to test this out? Should I try?

I kind of want you to. Okay. Next time I see a bobby with a hat, I will do it. There was a petition against it, actually. Yeah, they were probably sick of it. Yeah. The petition stated, Everyone agrees that this old law is an insult to male police officers serving in England and Wales.

Plus, this is a strange but rather disgusting old law is an insult to male police officers serving in England and Wales. Plus, this is a strange but rather disgusting old law. It has no place in today's modern Britain, where damaging police property like a male police constable's custodian or a Bobby's helmet, as it is more commonly known, can be destroyed by a pregnant woman who is caught short of a public place. by a pregnant woman who is caught short of public place. So I was going to say that if this were ever kind of like a regulation, I just Googled the hat. So, yeah, it's probably not a hat they wear anymore. So peeing in, like, whatever your local beat cops hat is going beat cops now is probably not going to be super satisfying and i want to point out you don't actually have to pee in it just see if you they

will let you okay um i'll test that and update you but i i wonder if it's like because pregnant women have been like and this is still true like maybe a little less but like pregnant women are very care taken like give her the seat and so if she has to pee like it's kind of considered a health emergency and because law enforcement is like uh like they're supposed to help and be first responders officer would you rather me wet my pants or would you rather me piss in your hat the indecency oh boy well so this got me on to looking into other crazy laws that we do actually still have in the uk um sam tell me lay it on me okay so it's illegal to be drunk in a pub what yeah so is that enforced regularly because i feel like it's not

no so section 12 of the licensing act 18 states, every person found drunk on any licensed premises shall be liable to a penalty. So you could technically face a £200 fine if you're found intoxicated in a pub or another public place. Yeah, that's definitely one of those laws that is no longer enforced. And definitely just they pretend it's not there because i suppose if it was enforced then pubs would lose a lot of business exactly because their customers would be getting fined a lot it's also illegal to sell alcohol to a drunk person okay that is not that weird no and that does get enforced yes same here it's called well I think there's a couple different things but we have something called dram shop laws which like kind

of it's like a liability thing I think that's what that is anyway I'm trying to get my law school brain so but it is it does like just kind of saying it aloud it's like oh that's kind of that happens all the time I think yeah I mean it's quite usual if you're really wasted at a bar they'll be like no we're not going to serve you anymore so yeah but think about how many times you've been like I'm actually quite drunk I'm still standing I can talk and I'm not like observantly like black out and yeah someone and you do that thing where you're like i'm not drunk i'm totally absolutely i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine i'm not even drunk at all actually hey i love you i love you look at me i love you so much has anyone ever told you how gorgeous you are you think i'm pretty

and that is a very realistic impression of when we're drinking. It has ended that way quite a few times. Quite a few times. Okay. Like once or twice. Usually it's more like, is Kate asleep already? Yeah, she's asleep. Yeah, she passed out like two hours ago.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. Yeah, she passed out like two hours ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. It's illegal to carry planks of wood along a pavement unless there is the intention of it being unloaded from a vehicle.

Okay. No, that doesn't make any sense. Because if you're carrying it, just hold, like, I envisioned you meant someone just holding it and carrying it themselves. But that means it's already unloaded from the vehicle. So this law dates back to the medieval times when carts were often overloaded and the wood would fall off, posing a danger to pedestrians. Oh, okay. So still on the books, but also really not a thing anymore no really it's not a problem we encounter that often oh no i my son got killed by falling wood from a cart to be fair do you ever get i don't know if you ever saw Final Destination? Yes. I hate driving behind anything that looks like it can scare me in the face.

Yes. Thank you. I'm going to say like four lorry lengths back because that's terrifying. One time I was driving with Lauren and a car in front of us or a truck in front of us had like office chairs in it and one fell off and narrowly missed my car. And it's on the interstate. We were going really like high speed too. And I'm certain if,

if it had hit us, it would have probably fucked up my beautiful face. At minimum. Not my beautiful face exactly I mean I got a I got a face for podcasting as they say um I narrowly avoided it thanks to my stellar driving skills but it was I still think about it every so often thank you i once had um an incident where i was driving with my mom actually up um a dual carriageway which is like a smaller motorway in the uk here um good explain a little more though so it's like two lanes okay um and my bonnet flew up and hit the windscreen

okay i know what you mean yes sorry so yeah the bonnet flew up smashed the windscreen and i was going about uh 60 70 miles an hour it's fucking terrifying yeah um did the latch break or did you not close it do we know no what happened is um my dad thinks he's really good at fixing things um he is not apologies dad if you're listening but um god bless you for trying though the catch to my bonnet was stuck and wouldn't open and i needed to put oil in my car um so he looked at it and tried to fix it but what he did was just cut the cable um and was like it'd be fine as long as you just put the latch over, like, on the, you know, end of the bonnet.

Should be fine. Don't worry about it. It'd be absolutely fine. It wasn't fine. The catch came undone and blew up. I mean, probably could have caused some, could have been a lot worse too, I think. Yeah. Thanks, Dad.

Thanks, Dad. Your beautiful face. You nearly fucked up my. Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Dad. Your beautiful face. You nearly fucked up my beautiful podcasting face. Mm-hmm. And this might not be common knowledge, but the bonnet is basically the front hood of the car. What? We don't call it that. Trunk and hood.

Yeah, that's what we call it, the hood. I mean, it's still like a cap like cap like thing yeah you know bonnet hood boot trunk butt yep they're similar they're the same they're the same thing okay um flying a kite in a public place is technically illegal alright so don't do that oh my god were people like really upset about

Mary Poppins then? yep so this law was brought in to prevent there being common nuisances and danger to local passengers as mentioned in the Metropolitan Police Act 1839, section 54. So, don't have fun.

Mummy, this kite is bothering me. Mummy, that conk. Yeah, say more. What I meant to say was, mummy was mummy that commoners kite is bothering me it smells poor is that how poor people have fun mummy it doesn't look very fun does it do you do you think that that maybe was some of the intent behind that law possibly yeah i don't know i would have thought like back in the olden days it would only be rich people that had access to kites i don't know that is a luxury that... Or maybe people made their own. Two pens too many.

Yeah, well, that's the thing. They made their own and probably... That kite smells like dirty washing. That kite has underwear on it. Oh, this is a good one. You cannot walk cows down the street in daylight in England. Okay. Nighttime is fine, england okay nighttime is fine though nighttime is fine can you ride the cow down the street in daylight i'm gonna find loopholes yeah it doesn't specify that you can't um so the metropolitan streets at streets act of 1867 which arises from the

metropolitan police district district fucking hell i can't speak it's illegal to drive any Act of 1867, which arises from the Metropolitan Police District. Fucking hell, I can't speak. It's illegal to drive any cattle through the streets during the specific hours of 8am until 7pm, unless somebody has specific permission from the police commissioner. Nope, I got my cow walking licence right here. That's fine. Otherwise, you would be liable to a penalty not exceeding 10 shillings for each head of cattle so driven or conducted. That's too expensive. That's my kite money. I'm saving up for my kite.

i'm saving up for my kite weird i mean clearly it was an issue that they needed to like people were just like hurting their cattle and it was like fucking up something yeah just too many cows in the street man who wants that no one's cleaning up after them. Exactly. Shit everywhere. Harassing. I mean, the methane coming out of those things. They were really conscious about global warming back then. Not so much now. It's also prohibited to be drunk while managing cattle.

Well, that's just a safety issue, Gemma. I mean, it was put in place to prevent accidents from happening and to keep people safe so while they're driving their cattle just like driving pretty much this is quite well known i think probably the same in america you can't impersonate or dress up as a police officer or a member of the armed forces yeah that is true well yeah i'm pretty sure that's true everywhere i mean we have different states with different laws right so the reason being though on our law is as it can be very confusing for members of the public and it could also lead to dangerous situations they're so stupid you guys let's not trick them well this is a good one a pet so a commoner's pet cannot mate with another from the royal household okay that's how you keep the bloodline pure okay

okay we don't let in any old riffraff. That makes me... You know what? I wonder if that is where the aristocats stemmed from. I wonder. Amazingly, even until 1965, this would have resulted in the death penalty for the person or the pet i don't know it doesn't specify you guys are not fucking around or rudy when it comes to animal husbandry, I think that's the right term.

Oh, wow. That one is probably still enforced. I bet. Yeah. This one I know is still a law. It is illegal to kill a swan or injure a swan. Because they're like a treasured species? Yeah, so in the 12th century, the crown claimed ownership of all mute swans.

In order to prevent people from eating them, apparently. What kind of swan? Mute swans, it says. M-U-T-E were um yeah so the quiet ones yeah the loud ones you fucking butcher them okay yeah so that's our our crazy law system and i will be enforcing those when you come over here I shit so many plans for kites and cows and I was gonna bring my cat over uh I've got a few for you I won't do too many but some of them are pretty fucked up so just so you can see that England's not the only one. Great. Okay. So in Arkansas, it's illegal to sound your horn at any place where cold drinks or sandwiches are served after 9 p.m. What?

Why? This oddly specific law has shaky origins online, but seems to be to prevent overexcited drive-thru patrons from disturbing the peace as they wait for their late night snacks fair fair yeah i mean who wants to be beeped up i i'm in the mcdonald's parking lot 10 p.m sir i can't help it that my fries are being cooked fresh okay okay um so god there's so many good ones okay in oklahoma oklahoma that was my bad oklahoma and ohio it is illegal to make faces at a dog oh but that's all i want to do when i'm in oklahoma i combined oklahoma and ohio okay

um same uh so in in oklahoma it's a little less extreme but apparently in ohio any kind of face at a dog like so i can't even look at a dog your normal face silly or not could result in a fine or jail time fuck why are the dogs offended there i they're really sensitive um so this one surprised me largely because of the state okay florida it's illegal to sing in your swimsuit and just like considering all the beaches and coast i'm just kind of like yeah people are probably doing that a lot yeah what's what's the like penalty for that um

it doesn't hold on i gotta explore a little further because the little caption does not say um okay illegal singing anytime a person is on a beach and is caught singing they may be guilty of breaking this law if you're caught singing along to the radio whilst walking by yourself you may have to contact it okay this is not it doesn't say that was dumb why did i click on that thank you thank. Thank you, American courthouse. I don't know. Maybe a fine. Maybe jail time. Florida really could be death penalty even.

God. Last one, which makes me sad because I just, I would do this. In Arizona. No, sorry. Yes, Arizona. You can't have a donkey sleeping in your bathtub after 7 p.m. Oh, but before 7 p.m. is fine. 6.59, you're getting that ass up and out the door.

out the door so apparently it's an oddly specific law that was passed in 1924 after an arizonian merchant's bathtub was washed down into a valley when a dam broke and it was carrying his dozing donkey into troubled waters okay so like a freak fucking accident resulted in them making a law saying you can't do this for something that will probably never happen again and that donkey just was taking a nap i feel i feel quite you know happy that they're really taking into consideration the well-being of this donkey though like they were like we cannot let this happen ever again oh there there is actually more i just scroll down a little bit so apparently hundreds of people were involved in saving the sleepy soggy donkey so they signed the law into action to prevent endangering future bathtub snoozing donkeys and everyone a bunch of time and effort so yeah you're

not wrong but i mean what what if the donkey is snoozing at 3 p.m and a freak accident happens like it's a really good question. They've not covered that. I'm worried about it. Maybe 7pm is like everyone's gone home. They did a risk assessment and they worked out that these things mainly happen after 7pm. Yeah.

And that's the highest danger zone, I guess. So there's a lot more and i bet probably even more than what's on this list actually so like yeah so we're able to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole in georgia oh well you know the giraffes have got really long legs and they might electrocute themselves i guess i just won't take my draft to georgia because that's all it wants to do is be tied to telephone poles and street lamps he's always wanted to go there though kate i know well it's gonna have to find a new hobby okay we shouldn't talk about my husband like that, actually.

I have a thing, though. All right, say more. One of those just made me think of. Why is Arkansas pronounced Arkansas? Because it's spelled Arkansas. And Kansas isn't pronounced Arkansas. Kansas. Girl, question that we've asked ourselves tale as old as time

I wonder nobody knows in fact it probably is pronounced Arkansas probably it's one of life's great mysteries actually I mean it's like

the same level as like who stole the great hope diamond and yeah what killed the dinosaurs exactly yeah i would put it up there actually with with those mysteries yeah i might hire someone to look into that yeah I'll go in on that with you because I think this is an important question that probably will end up solving world hunger oh my god are we going to solve the whole mystery on this podcast

okay we're pivoting guys whether you like it or not this has now turned into a mystery solving podcast deep dive into this conundrum. That would probably get us some listeners, I bet, though. Probably would, actually, yeah.

Something to consider. You got some other hilarious shit for us to talk about though right oh i have yet i feel like you gave me a teaser don't leave me hanging so i was diving in to some funny reviews of things um we've all seen, you know, these funny Amazon reviews or TripAdvisor reviews. And so I have compiled a few for our entertainment pleasure.

Okay. So there's a few reviews, which are my personal favorites, for a Bic for her medium ballpoint pen okay okay yes i'm ready all right here's number one my husband has never allowed me to write he doesn't want me okay i'm sorry. You can start over if you want.

I will contain myself. You wait. Okay. I can't stop laughing now. Okay. My husband has never allowed me to write as he doesn't want me touching men's pens however when I saw this product I decided to buy it

using my pocket money and so far it's been fabulous once I'd learned to write the feminine colour and the grip size which was more suited to my delicate little hands, has enabled me to vent thoughts about new recipe ideas, sewing and gardening. My husband is less pleased with this product

as he believes it will lead me to more independence and hates the feminine tingling sensation, along with the visions of fairies and rainbows he gets whenever he picks it up. I'm so glad people can't see my face right now. Because I think I look like I'm in pain, like I'm experiencing physical pain. And maybe I am. I'm dying.

Breathe, Kate. Breathe. Okay. Yep, I'm fine. Oh, God. This pen will lead to her wearing pants and having thoughts about things oh are you ready for another one yeah yeah this can't be funnier than the last one because i legit might actually die. Right. I love Bic crystal for her. The delicate shape and pretty pastel colors make

it perfect for writing recipe cards, checks to my psychologist, I'm seeing him for a case of the hysterics, and tracking my monthly cycle. Obviously, I don't use it for vulgar endeavors like maths or filling out a voter application, but pick crystal for her as a lovely little writing utensil. All the same, ask your husband for some extra pocket money so you can buy one today. I had to Google these because I just, they're really pretty. But I feel like these are the ones that like you get in junior high with my lisa frank backpack oh my god okay so general consensus is the poking fun at the fact that this pen is designated for women when pens really aren't

supposed to be gendered are they okay this one's good sorry i've got one more no keep them coming someone has answered my gentle prayers and finally designed a pen that i can use all month long i use it when i'm swimming riding a horse walking on the beach and doing yoga it's comfortable leak proof non-slip and it makes me feel so feminine and pretty since i've begun using these pens men have found me more attractive and approachable. It has given me soft skin and manageable hair. It's really given me the self-esteem I needed to start a book club and flirt with the bad boy at my local market. My drawings of kittens and ponies have improved and now that I'm writing my last name hyphenated with Robertbert pattinson's last name i believe that someday

he may marry me i'm positively giddy those smart men in marketing have come up with a real pen that my lady parts can really identify with where has this pen been all my life who which men who let these men do this and they asked for this oh my glasses are fucking up oh fucking hell Vic Pence they'll help you find a husband as long as you're not doing anything intimidating

like writing a letter to the editor about the Me Too movement voting or applying for a job. God. Oh fucking hell. So there are some legitimate reviews for these I bet, where someone's just like works like a pen. It's like every other normal pen

god that is that is I mean I know I probably on playback I will sound unhinged but I don't even care so I enjoyed your near breakdown that'll be a new segment see if we can get I enjoyed your near breakdown.

That'll be a new segment. See if we can get each other to die. Okay. Next one I've got is for a horse head mask. So it's one of those like full, like plastic horse heads you put over your head but the horse looks kind of deranged yeah slightly yeah the eyes like bulging out of the head yeah yep i know i know i'm visualizing it cool okay it's day 87 and the horses have accepted me as one of their own.

I've grown to understand and respect their gentle ways. Now I question everything I thought I once knew, and I fear that I'm no longer capable of following through with my primary objective. I know that those who sent me will not relent. They will send others in my place, but we will be ready. Another one. The biggest question I get asked is, why do you have that? I simply reply, why don't you have one and gallop away and eat some grass?

I love that people buy absurd items and I think almost exclusively so they can write a review for it oh that's so good okay this is for a child's book called where is baby's belly button oh no

and on the front cover is a lovely drawing of a little baby lifting up its shirt showing its belly button okay the review is as follows this book is completely misleading the entire plot revolves around finding baby's belly button and the title makes this much clear from the beginning however there is no mystery no mystery. There is no twist. And Baby's belly button is right where it's supposed to be, on the baby's stomach, right where it clearly shows you it is on the cover of the book. This plot is a complete mess. And as a result of its reliance on the mystery of where the belly button is, everything falls apart the second you realize that the belly button was in plain sight all along there is no conflict there

is no character development and there is scarcely any plot whoever wrote this book must have serious error in judgment because you would have to be an infant to not immediately understand where the baby's belly button is this is one of the worst pieces of literature i've ever read okay so up until that last bit uh i was like is it possible that someone actually was writing this with sincerity but i now know it was satirical but still i can imagine someone being fucking pissed off about this book still it wouldn't surprise me yes or something like that and just like totally ranting about something like that. You have to be an infant.

Okay, this is a book called How to Avoid Huge Ships, Second Edition. How to Avoid Huge Ships. Oh, hold on. There's a couple of reviews on this one. Okay, so you said it was a book? Yeah, I'm on the wrong website. Hold on.

Hold on. Where's it gone? Where's it gone? I don't know how to avoid ships. I need this book. I just saw the fucking gummy bear one again. Well, while you're looking for it, I will tell you a gummy bear one. And I think this one's been around for a while.

So probably a lot of people will be like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get on with it. But there's these. So I love gummy bears. Haribo, right? You guys have them. I think you guys have more variety, but I am into them. But apparently there's these sugar-free ones that are effectively you need to take with caution unless, quote, you are trying to power wash your intestines.

And so just some of the reviews. Here's the first one. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel Niagara Falls through a coffee straw. I swear my sphincters, plural, do we have more than one? Anyway, I swear my sphincters were screaming. It felt like my delicate starfish was a gaping maw, projectile vomiting, a torrential flood of toxic waste, 100% liquid, flammable liquid, napalm. Okay, so like, you get the idea of what it does. But, so people really kind of like to tell a little story with this. Okay, this review is titled, Fully Weaponized Gummy Bears. People really kind of like to tell a little story with this. Okay. This review is titled Fully Weaponized Gummy Bears.

The cramping started about an hour later. And soon enough, I was as bloated as the balloon in Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade. When the rumbling started, I sprinted down the hallway and made it to the bathroom just in time for the four horsemen of the apocalypse to stampede from my backside. Lying waste to my home septic system and my will to live after three hours of pelvis shaking gummy bear assault i was spongy and weak surprised that i had my bones left i cursed haribo with the little strength i could muster that sounded like someone's dying words in a diary entry right before they died I think when I first came up

people bought these I think to see if this was truly what would happen to you if you ate these sugar-free gummy bears I'll read one more I was glued to the toilet seat. Streams of fire burst from my colon. When I wasn't experiencing Satan's fury exploding from my rear, I was laying in a fetal position on my bathroom floor, sobbing and asking for forgiveness. I'm a 280-pound man.

I was sobbing. When it was finally over, I couldn't move. I crawled onto the floor one last time and sat motionless until my dehydration finally required that I drink water. The other reviews are perfectly accurate. This is 100% true. Eat two at a time. Three if you're brave. But for the love of God and all things on this earth, do not eat anymore. Oh, God, I want to try. So want to cleanse cleanse enjoy yourself a little bit have some candy first that'll get you right okay oddly enough i've got one here for the same product

yeah it's a long one you are a much better storyteller than I. So please, with all your accent and emphasis, glory. Oh, man. Words cannot express what happened to me after eating these. The gummy bear cleanse. If you are someone that can tolerate the sugar substitute, enjoy. If you are like the dozens of people that tried my order, run. First of all, for taste, I would give these a five. So good, soft, true to taste fruit flavours, like the sugar variety. I was a happy camper. But, or should I say, but with two Ts. Not long after eating about 20 of these, all hell broke loose. I had a gastrointestinal experience like nothing I ever imagined. Cramps, sweating, bloating beyond my worst nightmare.

I've had food poisoning from some bad shellfish, and that was almost like a skip in the park compared to what was going on inside me. Then came the flatulence. Heavens to Murgatroyd. What's that? Murgatroyd. Oh, I don't... Yeah. Go on. The sound, like trumpets calling demons back to hell.

The stench, like a thousand rotten corpses vomiting. I couldn't stand to say one room for fear of succumbing to my own old notice. But wait, there's more. What came out of me felt like someone tried to funnel my... Oh, you've said this bit. Oh, it was the part of it.

But it goes on to say it went on for hours. I felt violated when it was over which i think might have been sometime in the early morning of the next day there was stuff coming out of me that i ate at my wedding in 2005 saying it's a cleanse i had five pounds of these innocent looking delicious delicious looking taste bears taste bears. Taste bears? Sorry, hell bears. So I told my friend about what happened to me, thinking it had to be some kind of sensitivity I had to the sugar substitute. And in spite of my warnings and graphic descriptions, sorry,

she decided to take her chances and take them off my hands. Silly woman. All of the same for her. And a phone call from her while on the toilet, because you kind of end up living in the bathroom for a spell, telling me she really wished she would have listened. I think she was crying. Her sister was sceptical and suspected that we were exaggerating. She took them to work, since there was still 99% of a £5 bag left.

She works for a construction company, where there are builders, roofers, house painters, landscapers, etc. Lots of people who generally have limited access to toilets on a given day. I can't imagine where all those poor men and women pooped that day. I kept envisioning men on roofs crossing their legs and trying to decide if they could make it down the ladder or if they should just jump. If you order these, best of luck to you. And please don't post a video review during the aftershocks. So I do think, like, had I not known about these, if someone told me about them and what happened, I might be i like i'm embarrassed i bet i'll be fine yeah i'll be all right yeah

one one reader person was like eat these if you dare but be forewarned they are not to be trifled with unless you want your toilet to be a staging ground for repeat fecal rehearsals of the red wedding from games of game of thrones so i haven't seen that but i imagine that's like invoked some imagery for some people yeah that was a brutal death scene where a load of people got brutally murdered spoiler sorry spoiler i mean it came out fucking years ago just kidding people got brutally murdered. Spoiler alert! Sorry, spoiler alert! I mean, it came out fucking years ago. Just kidding. Yeah, I've heard about the Red Wedding and I assumed as much and I almost was like,

should I just go watch that episode so I can be traumatised with everyone else? But I haven't yet. There was a really funny one of a banana slicer, but I can't seem to find it anymore which is really upsetting well we're gonna keep making podcasts that's the good news for everybody i'll save it for next time is now a good time for a nightmare fuel?

Nightmare fuel. Oh, yes. Oh, yes, I'm scared. Okay. So, I'm going to read you this thing. Okay. And I just, like, you say your thoughts out loud. Your how you're thinking feeling okay i'm scared tiny eight-legged creatures have sex on your face while you sleep why what spiders oh no they're like little oh it's quite cute it's up close kind of cute i guess like

you know maybe describe that what what do you what do you like a bear um yeah it's kind of like a berry looking ugly bug thing yeah so apparently they help with acne okay that is the first line of this why must they bang on our faces maybe their sex fluids are what else was that i don't know yeah maybe that's where we get salicylic acid or something the the mites, invisible to the naked eye, are in the skin of all humans and have bizarre mating habits. Entwined couples cling onto our hair as they copulate. That means sex. That means sex.

Sorry. that made sex sorry the bug world's version of swinging from the chandeliers they're passed on during birth so you got it from your mama and carried by almost every person numbers peak in adults as pores grow bigger i'm so glad i oh no my pores are huge that's why i'm telling you this. So now scientists have lifted the lid of the secret lives of the critters from body features to their evolutionary future. The first ever full DNA analysis shows that they are becoming such simplified organisms they may soon become one with us. Oh, my God. So our girl, co-lead offer, Professor Alejandra Parati of the University of Reading. Hey, girl.

Hi. Said, we found these mites have a different arrangement of body part genes to other similar species due to them adapting to a sheltered life inside paws they live inside your paws yeah a couple fucking all the time there are more than 48 000 species of mites two of which live on our faces and they can only be seen under a microscope and look like wall plugs. No, I guess that's not what I, okay. A long cone-shaped body is propped up by stubby legs at home. That's basically what they just described to me.

Propped up by stubby legs at one end. We spend more time with the weird creatures than any other animal. They even protect against acne and scarring by keeping pores unplugged. There you go. Well, it's kind of nice they're doing us a service, but I don't know how happy I am about it. One more fact. People use just like fucking snail mucus on their face these days.

I see a lot of that. I've had that product. That's, I think, a big Korean skincare product. But it's just, you know, it's clear. It doesn't seem like, I don't even know if it's actually anything to do with snails. I say it does, but who knows. But here's the final fact for you.

Some regissors had assumed that mites do not have an anus and therefore must accumulate all of their feces through their lifetime before releasing it when they die causing skin inflammation oh no the new study confirmed that they do have anuses and so have been unfairly blamed for many skin infections they're not causing that inflammation they're helping you anyway i saw that and was like, okay, well, I want to cut my face off. So I thought I'd share it with you and Keith and my mom. That's gross. So it reminds me of a thing I heard about eyelash mites,

which also, just fucking Google it right now and look at the pictures. Oh, no. no okay just eyelash eyelash eyelash might do i just go to images no oh god they're way less cute than the face fucking ones and your pores they don't they're not copulating no oh god i thought they were like a harmless thing but they're not oh they're so great okay so this actually reminds me of one of the like shame corner stories i was gonna eventually share oh okay do we have time should i do it now yeah okay now girl shame corner. So this is a, I think about it, keeps me awake at night. And I only very recently, like fessed up to it to some people. Oh, juicy. And you, you might know this story. I don't know. So this might be new to you. You know, because I have a face for podcasting and maybe radio i have spent a lot

of money and a lot of effort in trying to change my face right as women do i'm not saying i'm special women do this right you know lots of things that we feel we have to do as women to like improve our looks yeah um one of those things was eyelash extensions okay I for whatever reason decided to start doing that you know a couple years ago loved it I've seen people like it's one of those things I never wore false eyelashes because I don't know how to put them on. But it's one of those things where you put them on and like I just felt like I looked awake. Just kind of looked very bright eyed and fresh. And like I just had to do that. I don't know that the result was something else. So needless to say, I loved it.

Was very into it. Last time went on as I continually would go and like kind of get them refilled and replaced and stuff. You didn't get eyelash mites, did you? No, but this is what reminded me of it because it said they can cause some issues with like similar to what I had. Yeah. As time went on, I started to like notice like the glue kind of stung a little bit and maybe for a day or two would make my eyes kind of red and itchy and stuff. And I was like, well, they must have changed the glue kind of made, stung a little bit and maybe for a day or two would make my eyes kind of red and itchy and stuff. And I was like, well, they must've changed the glue.

I'll tell my gal, change it. Well, it just got worse to the point where like I took a break from them. I was like, I, you know, I clearly I'm having a reaction. I think maybe I just need to give it a break. And so I did, I stopped wearing them for, I think over like a year and then moved here to, uh, Minnesota. And I started the current job I'm at. And I was like, you know, I'm going to do it again. I miss them. I liked them. They made me feel confident. I needed it because I feel like I'm the stupidest person at my office and I'm really struggling and maybe maybe these fucking eyelash extensions will turn things around for me oh they did not

I told the gal I was like I've been having reactions I'm not sure and she's like I've not had anybody complain about them and I went to like reputable salon you know it wasn't just like back alley eyelash extensions and someone's like porta potty um and so but I could tell almost immediately as she was putting them on and I should have stopped her but I didn't I hoped I hoped beyond hope that things would be different this time um and I had such a reaction that I my eyes were swollen they were red they were like crusty I looked like I got 10 rounds beaten in the face by you know um oh my god Brucie or whatever that box just and I go to work the next day and I'm like I'm just gonna put on these glasses these like blue light screen computer glasses that I wear sometimes when I look at the computer I don't need glasses

but I have these I wear them thinking this'll no one will notice everyone noticed everyone noticed and no one said anything to me right away fact, in hearing this recounted to me later, you know, oh, was Kate crying earlier? Did Kate have a domestic? Did someone punch Kate in the face? She could be it up. Yeah. And I like hid in my office until eventually someone was like, are you okay? And kind of looked at me and I think it was my supervisor. And I was just like, I think I'm having an allergic reaction to something. And I don't know what it is. I tried a new skincare product, something I'm just something I'm having an allergic reaction. That's all it is. I'm fine. And my supervisor was like, can you breathe? Because what my, my child, when they have an

allergic reaction in their eyes, well, like that, they can't breathe. Can you, are you able to breathe? And I was like, I can breathe. I'm fine. I'm not in a, I'm not in a domestically abusive relationship. I'm not dying. And so eventually I was like, you know what? I'm going to go to the doctor and see what the deal is. And basically I had to rip these suckers off. It was the most painful thing. I had them removed from the gal. It was so painful. And then after that, they got worse. It actually got worse. Like I could barely open my eyes. I look like I had two puffy ass lips. So small.

I could like, it was bad. Like when people get like bee stung on their eyeballs. Yes. Yes. And it was like that for many days. And I, because I was so embarrassed about saying like, I wanted to get eyelash extensions and I haven't I just didn't want to come off as like sane or shallow that I just up until very

recently did I finally admit it to like some of my colleagues that it was because I had eyelash extensions and a bad reaction to it but yeah I can't if did I ever I never told you that because I have pictures bad one oh my god I need to see them I it might take me a minute to find them so if you had we had if we had some other things to talk about we could probably move into that until I find them I was trying to think of stories like this but for some reason I just have such a patchy memory of like my life it will come to you one day you will have a trigger and you'll be like I need to talk about this that's it they usually come to me when I'm just drifting off to sleep um so I'll write them down when I do. The only thing I could think of was,

it wasn't really like vanity related, but it's karma related. Okay, yeah. So in school, there was a guy, one of my friends who had a wart on his hand and I being really mean and horrible used to take the mick out of him for having a wart on his hand and be like oh what are you doing and things like that Shemma you can do better than that this proves that karma is very real because a few months later I got a wart on my finger

and it wasn't just a little wart like my friends wore. It was fucking massive. It was the size of my knuckle. Literally. I've still got a scar. I don't know if you can see from where it was and it would not go. I had that fucker for like i think probably two years no treatments worked like it gave me the biggest complex i used to walk around with like my fingers like clasped over it i was so embarrassed by it um and yeah so lesson did he give you a mad shit about that yeah good I mean I would I deserved it so yeah don't ever make fun of people for things they can't help because it might happen to you okay yeah okay I found okay so here's the start you can see it's starting to happen yeah they're puffy but look how good they look yeah your eyelashes look lovely um and so that's what people saw at work.

And then it progressed. Oh, my God. And... Oh! Like, my under eye bags are buffing out. You look like a completely different person. Yep. Yep. And then it started to go down and i still looked unwell look like yeah you look like you've had a serious illness just recovering from it

yeah oh my god did you find out what it was i mean i think you can use a product and be fine with it and then suddenly develop an allergic reaction to it. And I, unfortunately, like when I get now, this is kind of new, but now when I get seasonal allergies, I just break out hives on my skin. I don't get sneezy. Yeah. No, it's just little hives that stick around for a while. And yeah, it's fun little hives that stick around for a while and yeah it's fun wow i have a similar thing when i i went to st lucia on holiday um and i'd never been anywhere where the humidity was quite as high as there and got really bad like prickly heat heat rash oh yeah and now every time i go in the

sun i get heat rash basically since then so i have to use like trigger thing yeah yeah i have to use like special sun cream that stops it from happening who did you make fun of for getting heat rash i don't know i can't, but God is smiting me. Yeah. You'll have to, do you have any pictures of the wart? I imagine not. I don't know. You'll have to show me the scar when I see you next,

because I couldn't really tell. Well, you know, at least it wasn't on your face or something. True. Yeah. It was huge, though. Oh, God. That was funny. It was.

I improved today a lot. Me too. Today was a nice, lighthearted reprieve for another long week. So thank you for that. Glad we're both smiling. That was nice. But I do want to say. Yes.

Oh, you've gone very serious. That I might try those gummy bears. And then we'll see how I feel after that. I'd like a review. Thank you. Definitely. Hey, should I buy some too too and we could like live stream the reaction I you know what hey if enough people listen and write in yeah maybe we will no promises but maybe we will not promise but if we get 10 000 downloads then

we'll do we. We will live broadcast having severe gastrointestinal distress. I bet we're going to get no takers on that one. No, I don't think anyone would be up for that. Yeah.

It's good talking shit with you, G. It was. No, G's okay he's fine right well I'm gonna go and have a breather because uh my stomach hurts and my cheek hurts I need a nap yeah how am I it's quite late here I might just get a bit of bedtime sleep you're right yeah just go to sleep but uh thanks for you know everything we appreciate you we appreciate the listeners too yeah thank you again for listening if you've come back we really genuinely do appreciate it it's bloody lovely write to us at talk shit to us at gmail.com oh yeah baby and uh remember to subscribe, like, rate, review,

and share it with all your friends and your family and anyone who needs a good chuckle after a long week. Art about fan art and knit, cross-stitch, fun thing. Yeah. Just like us, please, again. Like you heard, I really need validation. A lot. It's really needy okay so just feed me nothing i didn't say anything i'm sorry and you love you bye love you bye get ready for las vegas style action at BetMGM, the king of online casinos. Enjoy casino games at your fingertips with the same Vegas Strip excitement MGM is famous for.

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