Talking Shit with a Yank & a Brit - TSYB Investigates: Inside L. Ron's Hub

Episode Date: November 2, 2023

Special Investigative Episode - Kate & Gemma conduct a very serious (definitely not satire) field investigation into the Scientology HQ in East Grinstead, UK. They also ask the serious questions like is Gemma Sexual? Do we have Engrams? And do Scientologist wear any thing other than dark colours? Follow us wherever you get your podcasts!Give the pod a follow on social media @TSYBPODEmail your questions, problems, stories or gossip to [e-mail]

Hello listeners. Just a quick message to let you know that we'll be taking a very short break, but we'll be back before you know it with another fantastic series of talking shit hilarity. Now in the meantime, we've got something special for you to keep your talking shit thirst quenched. While Kate was visiting the UK, we conducted a very serious, hard-hitting field investigation into the local cults here. And in this special episode, you get to join us and find out, did we meet L. Ron Hubbard? Why is Levi's penis buzzing? And what exactly do Scientologists do at the weekend? Make sure to follow us wherever you listen to your podcasts and on social media at T-S-Y-B-POD

to make sure you're notified when our new episode drops and if you want to get involved in the podcast email us at talkshit2us at gmail.com we'll be back On March 13th, 1911, in a tiny town called Burnett, located in what is known today as Nebraska, something happened. Some would say a miracle happened, comparable to the birth of Jesus Christ. Others would describe it as the next best thing since sliced bread. Others would shrug their shoulders and say, why are you asking me about this? Regardless of how one describes it, we can conclude that on this day, a woman called LaDora Mae Waterbury was likely cursing her husband,

Harry Ross Hubbard, for the pain she was experiencing as there was little in the way of modern medicine for the pain of childbirth. Yes, it was on this day that Lafayette Ronald Hubbard entered the world and things would never be the same. That's right. The founding father of Scientology was born in Nebraska. Who knew? His parents were described by Wikipedia as trained as a teacher and a low-ranking U.S. Navy officer. And they named their child Lafayette Ronald. But he was affectionately known as Yeti, given that he was covered in hair and liked to skulk around at night in the Nebraska woods. Is that true? I have no idea, but it sounds right. How else would he come up with the ideas for his science fiction books that he wrote prior to having the audacity to fully make up a religion?

Anyway, Yeti and his family reportedly moved around a lot because of his father's lack of seniority in the Navy. Yeti failed upwards over the years, avoiding following in his father's military footstep due to bad eyes. The struggle he must have experienced in writing his many science fiction books, his tome on Dianetics, before ultimately creating Scientology in 1952? Truly, his perseverance in the face of adversity is inspiring. Today, Scientology is known around the world for many different things. A cult, for example, or having many famous members. Tom Cruise, for one, who is famous for being married to incredibly beautiful, statuesque women like Katie Holmes and Nicole Kidman, despite being

very short. Convicted rapist and sexual abuser Danny Masterton is another famed member of the church. Yeti, who later began referring to himself as Elrond, argued about the basic principle of human existence is survival, and the tenets of Scientology revolve around this core belief. He believed that each individual possesses a mind that, under normal circumstances or conditions, operate analytically to make survival-oriented judgments. When the mind is not fully functioning, the reactive mind takes over. Something Ronnie called engrams then took over, which are stored images of experiences made up of negative emotional content and unrelated elements that, when experienced, would trigger

negative emotional reactions that would lead to counter-survival actions. To help counter these, Ronnie created something called auditing, which is a one-to-one counselling process where a counsellor slash auditor facilitated the individual's handling of their engrams. The use of an e-meter to measure the strength of a small electrical current that passes through the individual to ultimately identify the stored engrams in that person. The goal was to rid the person entirely of their engrams. This, along with a bunch of other nonsense that we couldn't be bothered to read thoroughly, is what makes up the tenets of Scientology. Instead of engaging in comprehensive research that would help us deeply understand Scientology or Hubbard's motivations,

we felt it would be better to go straight to the heart of the matter. Literally. We travelled to one of the headquarters of Scientology, located in East Grinstead, to confront the... King? Master? Boss? Of Scientology himself? L. Ron Hubbard? Well, turns out he died, like well before we were born, which we did not realize until after our field investigation. Though we would have accepted Tom Cruise or some sort of mid-level priest or auditor in the church as well.

So anyway, along with our photographer, assistant bodyguard tech support levi kate and i made the perilous dangerous journey down the road to the church of scientology and saint hill manor to get our burning questions answered how many engrams do we have how does tom cruise pull such hot women does ronnie like eggs as much as Kate? And does everyone in the church hate wearing color? The following recordings are our accounts of the investigation. Not only do we encounter members of the church, we explore the stomping grounds of Jehovah's Witnesses, where Gemma ran wild as a child and explored haunted apartment buildings, and discussed whether Gemma is, in fact, sexual, along with the unfairness of how men can pee standing up.

Right, so we are now driving through East Grinchtown Center. Characterized as weird-looking or historic. Yep. As you can see, there's lots of sort of old buildings. Oh, Pizza Express. Pizza Express, yep. So that Pizza Express was built in 1742?

I believe so, yes. More historic buildings to our left there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. See if you can spot the Scientologists. Oh, there's one. For sure. I do think they're allowed phones.

They used to have like a shop I don't know if they still do but I'll go around see if they're found definitely them too at the bus stop I played a gig in that pub and one back there oh so you're known here

yeah somewhat oh yep and here comes all the fans crowding the car. Yep, the park's around. Not today! Go away! Gemma's not taking any photos today. Yeah, come on, guys. She hasn't had her makeup done. Thanks, I appreciate it.

There, that did it. That's an old building. Fat face. Thanks, I mean, this is sort of the newer part I guess. Oh. Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. There's an ancient... Bottle shop?

Oh yeah. We should go in there and interview the shopkeep. I'm pretty sure the Scientology place used to be one One of their recruitment centers used to be one of these shops. Is this the one where your mom... Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Can you take me to pound town? Pound land? Pound land? Yeah, they say land here. Take me to pound town. Take me to pound town. Ah ye old boots. Ah ye old boots. There's no people with clipboards, which is disappointing.

Would they be out on a Saturday? Don't know when I'd take my personality test. Seems like Saturday would be a really good day for it. Yeah. Oh, KFC. Very cult-like. What about them? Oh, definitely them. Oh, definitely them.

They had clipboards. Okay, for, you know, the listeners at home, we just passed two gentlemen in matching outfits and an umbrella holding a clipboard. Very nondescript. Definitely were Scientologists. We found some. Now what? We gotta go confront them?

I mean we got we have to interview them. Yes. That's the one. Okay now we have to fight them. How else are we going to level up unless we defeat the lower level henchmen before we get to the Tom Cruise boss. Exactly. We're five minutes away from the big money. Pumps. Pumps for one mile. Goodie. There is a Outlander. Oh, where? I didn't see it. Around about. Fuck. Could you just go around again? We're three minutes away. So close, I can feel it. Levi, is your penis buzzing? Buzzing. Don't even feel hard.

Apparently Tom Cruise spent a lot of time in this place. Oh, did he? That makes sense. Oh, yeah. I don't know. spent lockdown in this place. Oh did he? That makes sense. Shall I pull into the drive and see what happens? Yeah. Okay so this sign says Church of Scientology in St. Hill Manor, home of L. Ron Hubbard. Oh god, oh god, oh god. I'm scared. I don't want to go in.

I'm scared. Okay, we're a little nervous because... Oh, it's a Scientology bus. Oh, it's a Scientology bus. Shit, shit, shit, shit. Flashed at us. Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. We're lost. We're just lost. Oh god, he flashed at us. We're lost. We're just lost. We're going past a bus of Scientologists now. Oh, God, he flashed at us.

I think that was, he was telling us to come in. Are there people in it? There are people in it. Oh, no, those poor souls. Where do you think they got picked up at? Is that where we should go? See if we can get picked up? Should we have followed the bus in? Like, was that Amy and her friend? I want to see the actual manor. Should we drive down this road a minute?

Yeah. We could park somewhere and try to walk in. What's that thing? Public bridleway. Bigfoot. Do you see that black thing? It's Bigfoot. The human?

That's just a... It's a cut out of Bigfoot? It's a cut out of Bigfoot. I don't know. No, it's just a placard. It's fucking weird. I don't like this. You got funny feelings.

Yeah, but it could just be because I'm hungry. Oh god. They're coming for us! Oh god! Go, go, go! Okay, it must have been some sort of cutout. Not so much. They've grown some bushes, that's for sure. Fuck.

We're not going to stay. Yeah. What's down here? Yeah, what's down here? Beep, beep boop, beep boop, stendin'. Okay, this gate is closed. But it's clearly another thing. St. Hill Manor. Should we get out? I think we can park here for a second.

Okay, we're getting out now. I'm gonna take my keys in case I need to use it as a weapon. Oh, it's raining. It is raining. So at St. Hill Manor, which was, oh, it's also L. Ron Hubbard's thing. Okay. Owners, the Crawford something, Dr. E.M. Crookshank, Major something, the sign's a little weathered Higgins Miss Anthony mr. Anthony the Maharaja of something and then L Ron Hubbard yes they're all the previous owners okay I read that L Ron Hubbard bought it off the Maharaja because he was in a load of gambling there interesting Oh, sorry Levi. Interesting. Oh, there's a camera there. So we're on camera.

Look at this. I could probably climb this gate. Someone there? Oh, he's getting out. First one we've encountered a Scientologist on a bike. Now we're scared so we're gonna run. We're so professional and serious. Serious reporting. I wish we had press badges. Could have made some.

Oh god. There's another one. I think it's the guy with the bike. Nope, different guy. Okay. So I found this article, which is quite interesting. So, East Grinstead has been described as Britain's strangest town and the real-life answer to Twin Peaks. East Grinstead hardly exudes a sense of dreamlike Luchian terror. Elegant 14th century buildings, howls, bookshops and jewelers, butchers and blah blah blah. In a boot. All seems quite normal but beneath the surface however this otherwise unremarkable Sussex market town is charged with an unlikely religious zeal

and a disproportionate number of spiritual organizations have made their home here. Some are ancient, some are modern, some orthodox, and some are unconventional. Okay. So, on a forested hill to the southwest of the town sits St. Hill Manor, which is where we are now. Oh, there's some people walking. There's some more people. They look very... Normal? Or sad?

Yeah, just sort of vacant. Yeah, they did look a little vacant. Okay. So we're at South Hill Manor right now. We are there. Or St. Hill Manor, right? Yeah. So it was originally the headquarters of a Christian mission and the home of the Maharaja of Jaipur. Jaipur? Jaipur? Whatever. I think they pronounce it Jaipuri here. Jaipuri. And the latter moved out in 1959. Okay. And L. Ron Hubbard bought it, the founder of the church.

Science fiction writer and founder of the Church of Scientology. Let's not forget, he is a science fiction writer the estate served not only as hubbard's home but as scientology's worldwide headquarters until 1967 it's still owned by the church and is often the case that it enclaves and enclaves around the world zany stories abound tom cruise had visited several times and is even said to have chosen a wing of St. Hill Manor as his lockdown sanctuary during the pandemic. This is good. Fellow A-list Scientologist John Travolta hit the headlines in 2011 when he tried unsuccessfully to book a table for his entourage at the local branch of Kentucky Fried Chicken. Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Fuck. So we passed it. What? There's no Wi-Fi network. Oh, it needs a zero around here. Crazy. In 2013, a local Sussex newspaper,

the Argos, reported that three airline pilots saw two saucer-shaped silver discs hovering in the vicinity of saint hill apparently unconnected to get with apple oh there's more people good people where are they all going they're all just walking in the same direction they're all wearing dark clothes yep maybe they are have to go for a morning walk. Oh, here comes a guy in a tie. Is he security? No, that's all around Hubbard, I think.

It's not just Scientology making waves here, though, guys. The mysterious Rosicrucians, which is a secret society that claims to guard a body of esoteric truths about the universe, maintain a palatial mock Tudor lodge at nearby Greenwood Gate. While Opus Dei,

a Catholic sect famous for wearing spiked chains and hair shirts as an act of devotional self-mortification hosts self-improvements retreats at the attractive Wickham Manor. Oh. Oh, and there's also the Jehovah's Witnesses and Christian scientists. Okay, so it's possible we saw some of the other, those two men that were dressed the same. Because Jehovah's Witnesses also have kind of a particular bland uniform of white shirts and black ties.

That's not what these dudes look like. But they definitely looked like they belonged to some sort of group. Yeah, we got that. Okay, London Temple is next, which is the... It's quite impressive as well. Who owns or what... It's quite impressive as well. Who owns or what... It's the Jehovah's Witnesses

Mormon place. Not the same. It's the same difference. I pride myself on being respectful. I can't believe we saw a bus. I know, how exciting.

I kind of want to go back the other way. Fine, I won't. Well, I'm up for it. Yeah, let's go past again. Okay. I'm going to turn around and go past. It's actually quite nice around here. It is quite pretty. I wonder if any of the locals, like, pick up on...

The weird vibes?...behaviour or, yeah, weird vibes. Listen to, like, weird chanting and stuff. Oh god, the sun! Oh my god, the sun's come out and I'm blinded! Maybe that's just God. Yeah, that's L. Ron Hubbard. Yeah, L. Ron Hubbard is definitely the son. Oh shit, Levi! Oh! Oh, children! There's children! They've taken the children! Should we help those children?

Quick, get in kids, I got some candy. Where's my big coke? Oh yeah, you should have got it. So what did you think of Saint Hill Manor? Creepy. I think the thing that made it the most creepy was the people just like walking through and looking at us casually. I also want to know, I've seen those buses going in quite a lot. Where are they coming from? Well that's what I was wondering. Oh no, people. But is there a place where people get picked up that we could go to? Yeah. Well we will visit, there's a housing centre in Cobra. We'll go to that next. There is? The amount of times I've been in Cobra, I didn't know that. I know. It's very, uh, unassuming. Hmm.

And you can sort of walk right by it. We've done dog walks around the area. Okay. People come out and they're like, what are you doing here? Just walking the dog. Literally just walking the dog, but thanks for your interest. the dog but thanks for your interest no what are you doing here in the gesture regularly

in this world with your life this dimension listeners at home the roads are very windy and it makes me uncomfortable so I just want everyone to appreciate you know the burdens I'm putting on myself for the sake of the podcast

I appreciate your efforts your unwavering dedication to this podcast I will sacrifice my well-being to get to the truth the car's probably been anti-harvested now well I mean they definitely got your license plate

at St. Hill Manor they did what if they write to me and threaten to sue me Well, I mean, they definitely got your license plate at St. Hill Manor. They did. They did. What if they write to me, like, threatening to sue me? As you heard, East Grinstead is a mystical place, and immediately upon entering the city limits, we could feel the energy. According to getsurrey.co.uk, East Grinstead is Surrey's best town because it is just the right amount of busy.

It has a captivating history of religious persecution, burning three Protestant martyrs, and it was here that Sir Archibald McIndoe pioneered the use of plastic surgery for, ironically, burn victims, specifically pilots in the aircrew who experienced burns in the Second World War. Fun fact, these slot were known as the guinea pig club but were widely accepted in the town earning East Grinstead the title of the town that didn't stare. That's right, but it's possible the townsfolk and visitors didn't stare

because reportedly the High Street is stunning. Having driven through the High Street though I will say it looked like a lot of other high streets I've been on. Many celebrities have made East Grinstead home such as Led Zeppelin whose manner through the High Street though, I will say it looked like a lot of other high streets I've been on. Many celebrities have made these Grinstead homes, such as Led Zeppelin, whose manor we explore later in this episode. Peter Andre, Dick Van Ede, are also famous residents. As we drove through the High Street, we observed the old along with the new.

Gemma pointed out some areas of intrigue and signs that I missed because I was distracted by a polite speed tracker and a notice about humps in the road. You were quite excited about that. What do you call them in the States? Bumps. Okay. Anyway, so after the high street, we made our way towards the headquarters. Gemma, approaching the open gate to the entrance of the main building, what was that like for you?

I was terrified. It was as though there was a force simultaneously pushing us away and pulling us in. The gate was open, yet I did not feel welcome, which prompted my anxiety about passing through it. I felt that too. I think Levi did as well, given his proclamations about his buzzing penis. He later referred to it as his spidey sense. Yep. All the vibes just fell off, and I did not like the look of that cutout of a Bigfoot-like statue across the street from the entrance to the headquarters. Which, in hindsight, was like a homage to L. Ron Hubbard and his former nickname Yeti. Likely it serves as a sentinel standing vigil over his property and the constituents therein. When the bus came, I knew we had to get out of there and you can hear the sheer terror in our voices. This anxiety did not

ease even though we drove further down and eventually parked up at the gate of St. Hill Manor. We drove further down and eventually parked up at the gate of St. Hill Manor. This is where we saw so many people just walking leisurely, faces blank, to somewhere else on the compound. What is weird is how no one talked to us. No one wanted to know why we were there, whether we wanted to come in, wanted to get audited. And I think if anything, we look exactly like the type of people they'd want in their cult. I mean, church.

And I'm a little offended, actually. I know. I mean, really, they're missing out. And they'd be lucky to have us. So, after observing but failing to get someone to talk to us, we decided to move over to the London Temple. Though it was more open, well manicured, and visually appealing, we saw not a single soul on the property. It was eerie in its emptiness.

One similarity, though, between the Scientology compound and here was the very obvious signs and equipment indicating we were being watched. It was clear that, despite our efforts,

we were being watched just as closely as we were watching them. So we're at the London Temple, which is the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, and we were just talking about the times that we've been approached by Jehovah's Witnesses, and this is what I would expect like a culty religion compound to look like. There's gates and like kind of big excessive buildings and camera equipment. There's a safety notice that children must be accompanied by adults at all times.

And I think that's because we decided the children were dangerous. Yep. The temple itself is like a big white church with big old pie What do you call it? A piece? The spire? Spire. Yeah, and it's got a little guy at the top tooting on a horn. Windows that are slivers like prisons. Yep, windows that are slivers like prisons.

And, uh... We're currently being watched by CCTV. Yep, peace sign. We come in peace. No one is out, like, at the Scientology compound, though, which is interesting. There's literally no one. They're only in church. Are they one of the churches that do a lot of Saturday church or? Probably. They're going out and recruiting people. Very well manicured. Yeah, lovely gardens. Yep. They obviously are really attentive ooh that's like a pointy weird little bush i'm gonna get a picture of that levi on it i like how you're dressed like an undercover

in case they needed to hide in the bushes they won't get my soul i'm gonna drive back around It won't get my soul. I'm going to drive back round to see the temple again. I'll take over the video. Given how quiet it was and the fact that it was heavily surveyed, we had to move along. The following clip revolves around our trek to where I grew up and includes the answer to the age-old question of whether I'm sexual. Oh my god, we're back again. Brother, sisters, everybody's here. We've got a question for you, better ask it now.

Bring the blame, I'm gonna show you now. Am I the only one? Yeah. Am I original? Yeah. Am I the only one? Yeah. Am I the only one? Yeah. Am I original?

Yeah. Am I sexual? Yeah. Yeah. Well, those are horses. But they might also be going to Scientology. Oh, exactly. I can go. I don't know why I'm sitting here waiting.

Are you waiting for my next question? Yeah. Here we are. We're just going. Bring your phone around the corner. Okay. So, going by the temple again. It is...

Really slowly. It is creepy, as pretty as it is. There's something very creepy about it. And again, no people. No, there's not a soul in sight. Gosh. You know, you'd think if they'd want more recruits, they'd be a little more welcoming. You'd think that, actually, wouldn't you?

Like, come take a tour with us. We're not we're just like you see let's run let's run away before we get thrown in cold jail in a place at barbun bay oh In a place at far Bombay. That's a really nice part. Oh. That's a really nice part. Oh, should we go? Am I sexual? I don't know, man. What do you want me to say? That's weird that you keep asking that. Yes, you're sexual, okay? Thank you.

That's what I wanted to know. Trauma therapy. That's handy. I wonder if that's actually just like a cover for one of the places here it's like come and get your therapy and we're also just going to recruit you i i would honestly like worry about that in a place like this yeah it wouldn't surprise me kind of like that one cult that you told me about, the very British cult or whatever, that started as like a self-help. Yeah.

I mean, that would be a good cover. I mean, that's the way they're going to function going forward, because they're such a huge self-help movement. Yep. That's how they'd get me. Cats, probably, for me. Okay. I'd be like, do you want to see some cats? And they'd be like, sure do. And then they'd say like do you want to see some cats and i'd be like sure do

and then they'd say do you want to stay forever with these cats yeah i do and then i'd be in the cat fold and i actually am kind of okay with that yeah sounds all right do you want to give all of your money to these cats? Yes. Yeah, take it all. Will you devote your life to these cats? Yep, I do. Will you pray to these cats? I do.

I'm downloading an app. You're downloading Grindr on my phone. So we're going by these places of religion. I want to see what the situation is. Okay, good, good. You know, if we buy see what the situation is. Okay, good, good. Like if there's, you know, if Levi's research is... Just downloading an app. Levi's board now wants to see who's maybe around for a date.

No, it's for research. Okay, if you say so. Ooh, we should talk to them. But I have to see my account. Right, right. My singing teacher used to live up here and she was a Scientologist did I tell you about that? no what what did she ever try to recruit you no but so when I started doing singing lessons I did the mini sprint stick because we lived here and she lived just off this roundabout up here

and it turned out she was a Scientologist. And she sort of disappeared at some point. And I did loads of digging to see if I could find her on social media and stuff. Could not find her at all. The only place I could find mention of her was on some Scientology records. She was called Vera Hames. And she appears to have moved to the la compound quote unquote do we i mean do you think she's okay fuck knows i mean as far as you know she didn't do anything to upset

no she seems to have continued sort of teaching music there. But yeah, it's weird how there's just no information. Yeah. There was just like a tiny little article that I found saying that she was... Relocating? No, it was like in a, I guess like a Scientology newspaper. Oh. And she was mentioned in that.

So when you say disappeared, like you just showed up one day for singing lessons and she just wasn't there or did you get noticed? No, I stopped going. Oh, okay. But I know like some of my parents' friends who are musicians knew her from on the scene. And they mentioned a few years ago that, yeah, she'd up sticks and decided to vote, sorry, all her time to Scientology. Interesting. I guess those kids need singing lessons, too. Well, exactly. I wanted to speak to her because I wanted to just talk to her about how she run her business and stuff.

Oh, so you investigated her later in life. Yeah, this was literally like a couple of years ago. I was picturing young Gemma dialing up onto AOL and then doing some digging or going to the library and scrolling through microfiche. Hello, is Vera there? This is Gemma. This is Gemma. She might remember me. I want to own a business one day.

Where have you gone? I question the wisdom of us discussing our vulnerabilities and how we could be manipulated into joining a cult. Good point. Oh well. Again, if it was going to happen, I suspect we would have been approached. Or your music teacher would have taken the opportunity when she had the chance. Speaking of when you were young, Gemma,

you gave us a short tour of your old stomping grounds. Ah, yes. Ashhurst Wood. Memories. We're now driving through Ashhurst Wood. Where you grew up.

And that's where you had your first kiss. No. Okay. That is where you fell and scraped your knee? Correct. Okay. What age did you live here? So from the age of about seven to... I don't know. Must have been that long, actually, until about 11. Okay. So we moved to Hartfield, which is just up ahead. And what did you like about living here? What I liked was, because it's a little village, we could just...

Sing every morning in the town square. Yeah. They used to do maypole dancing here. Have you ever seen maypole dancing? I mean not live but... It's very funny. I am a maypole. This is Maypole Road. Oh yeah we could dance around Levi. We could go to the school thatcher.

Oh should we talk to those children? What do you like about living here? This is it. I mean, from the age of seven, which parents wouldn't do these days. After school, I'd just hang out and walk around the village and go rollerblading and explore all the fields and the woods. You know, we didn't have phones then, so Mom didn't know where we were. It's just you were just trusted to get home for dinner. So what classifies a village as a village? size okay and the kind of the place where it's like you know everyone and even if you don't know their name you kind of recognize them and so like

oh i can show you a whole thing sorry i just remembered. Gemma just had a seizure. No, she got really excited. Oh, the school was down school lane. Could you guys get any more predictable? So one of my friends lived in this building. But behind this building

Oh, it's an abbey. is this fucking crazy thing. Oh my god, it looks creepy. It's haunted as fuck. We fucking great oh my god it looks creepy okay in there once and it was spooky as hell so what is it it's now loads it was loads of flats then but even the flats are like super scary oh god yeah and what's it called something abbey yeah okay well yeah I remember being really scared when I was in that building you know when you I don't know why I was scared

you just had a call I can't remember something happening but um yeah it was just freaky as fuck too bad we can't ask anybody I would ask if we saw someone if they've experienced any paranormal activity this is shifted to ghost hunting now Too bad we can't ask anybody. I would ask if we saw someone if they've experienced any paranormal activity.

This has shifted to ghost hunting now. It's a really pretty view. Yeah, it's a lovely view. I really wish we could just see like a curtain flicker or something. So it's all white and very old looking but also kind of modern. It's very square with a lot of stone and concrete. Look at that door. Yeah that door is actually pretty cool probably pretty old. Yeah I can't read it. Oh that window's open. Go stick your face in there. Oh, someone's watching TV.

I mean, they're probably really lovely, like, grand farts now. But we went to visit some old woman. Oh, there's a person right there. Hi, sir. Well, now we're going down school lane. We're definitely going to see some children. Oh, hi. Oh, puppies.

Oh, mastiffs. Two of them. Fuck off, big dogs. This was my climbing school! Aww! Little Gemma learning in the punny! What'd you learn in here? How to spell aluminium? Why do you put your kids in cages?

Well... It's not very allumine here. Yeah, I've seen it. Oh there's one Levi. They're very modern with their solar panels. Memories all alone in the moonlight. This is the famous road I used to rollerblade down. It's unsuitable for motors. Well, I'm doing it. Oh, okay. Because it's a nice hill, so we used to fucking...

...poil it down, yeah? I see, I see, yeah. Slam into the lamppost, because I never learned how to stop. Oh, yeah. Well, that makes sense. It's kind of like when I snowboard, I use my face to stop. Oh, yeah. Well, that makes sense. It's kind of like when I snowboard, I use my face to stop. Exactly. There's home-stool manner.

Yeah. Is that special? It looks old and run down. And... Is that your house? Where that Range Rover is, that was my house. Oh, cute. I like its little flag decorations.

Should we ask them to let us in and look around like you see on TV oh right at the top who threw rocks at your window it's actually three stories as well so it's built on a slope oh okay so there's like a kitchen and so are these like technically two and three then? Like so you walk in and you're on the second floor, but it goes down, oh nice. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Nice garden, good job the back, that leads to coin trees in.

A little Gemma. Fun times. Was this your garage? No. No. I'm sorry. Oh yeah, you didn't have cars back then. You just had horses.

Horses and carriages. What did you die of? Well, I've got a birthmark on my inner thigh, and it's supposedly where your birthmarks are. It's how you died in a previous life. So it was speared through the leg. I don't really have any birthmarks. Do you? No, unless my moles count.

You must be a new soul. Yeah, that sounds about right. Otherwise, if a mole counts, then I'm guessing this one on my lip is the signifier. Yeah, maybe. Probably died of a cold sore or something. I don't know. Yep. See, Alan's got a big birthmark on the back of his neck so i think he had his head chopped off or he broke his neck a lot from a great fall i like head chopping off better it's a little sexier

yeah that's what like guillotine yeah definitely though i say guillotine what do you say guillotine guillotine yeah team? Yeah. Don't you, you posh fuck. Yeah, I am. I went to public school. In America. So we're now heading to Hammerwood Park. I can't speak today. Hammerwood Park. Hammerwood Park, which was once owned by Led Zeppelin.

I'm not sure what the religious context is, but it's an old Greek thing. Greek revival. Greek revival. I love the Greeks. I love the Greeks. Food's fantastic. Mythology's interesting. They've got many gods.

Who's your favorite? Odin. That's Norse, but okay. Okay. So maybe like Zeus, if we're talking about the equivalent? Nah, everyone likes Zeus, don't they? Yeah, I feel like, well, or they hate him because he was kind of a prick. Yeah.

Like he turned into animals and then like raped women. Oh, did he? Yeah, he like was turned into a goose or a swan or in a bowl, and like that's how he made babies. Maybe like, what was it narcissus yeah one that died by staring at themselves was he a god or just a really arrogant man because i think i think aphrodite was the one who like oh we're here okay i thought that said dead children. It said dead slow children. There are some really fucking slow children out there.

Seems a bit mean to put that sign up and taunt them like that. We're funny. I like that window I like that window That is a nice window That's one nice window I think that sign said the hot pocket Hot pockets Have you ever heard of an Alabama hot pocket?

It sounds dirty as fuck. What is it? You don't want to know. I do. So it's when a man takes a shit in a woman's vagina. Oh my God. And proceeds to... No!

No! How do you know that? Okay, you're right. I did not want to know that i knew you didn't what is wrong with you i've never done it you made it up i know you did well i've never heard of it i feel like we're just going into the depths of this cult here we're just driving down this single track country lane. Where there's dead slow children.

At least we can now run to children. Notice. Private property. Keep out. Well, we're not going to. Well, we're on it now. We're just super lost. Okay.

Okay. Okay. There's a squirrel. There's signs. I'm guessing we're allowed down there. There's been no gates. Maybe the private property was for the gate that the sign was on. Oh, shit, oh, shit. That is an old tree. It's a big old tree. It's like a redwood. A big one? Well, it's a coniferous. Is this one's house?

It does look like it. It looks housey, doesn't it? It looks very housey. But they've got a little maze down there. They're going to kidnap us and make us run through the maze and then the winner wins and the others die. It was signposted from the road, which would suggest it's public. We're sorry. We're just going to turn around. Oh, I'd like just gonna turn around. I mean I'm sure shit would. Wow. It's pretty, it's old. What's the H sign for? See it right there? They're like electrical gas.

Very nice. Look, Grecian urns. That's where all the dead Led Zeppelin fan members are. Oh, okay. I don't either. Sorry if you're not, guys. It made me think of Hercules, though. We can tell you what the creation is. Very pretty. Yeah, it is.

I'd like to live here very much. Well, I think we do now. We're not going to be able to leave this gate. We could just do squatters' rights. Yeah, how long is it in England? I think it's seven years. Well, time starts now. Starting from now. We're not going to be able to cross back over, we're trapped here now.

So there you go, I don't know what the significance of that was other than they definitely lived there. Nice house. Yeah, it was a nice house. Not to be discouraged by our lack of contact with the Scientologist members, our final stop brings us back home, or nearby. With contact with the Scientologist members, our final stop brings us back home, or nearby. Cobra, or Crowbarrow, as Kate says, houses another estate of Scientologists. We had to park up a little bit away from where the estate starts so that we could appear as though we were taking a harmless walk as we investigated the area.

However, before we could do so, we had to wait for Levi to take the longest wee known to man. We did ignore his pleas for a bio break for the sake of the podcast. To be fair, we probably caused some damage to his internal organs. We all have to make sacrifices, Kate. We are watching Levi prance? Would you say that was a prance? Trolloc. Oh, oh, oh, he's going to do it. He's always doing it. He's doing it. You're doing it. So...

I wish I had a willy. Yeah, me too. I don't have just a willy anywhere. You know they make those shiwis. Yeah, I've never tried one. Me neither. I had one and never used it and ended up giving it to a friend for her camping excursion. I think she said it worked well.

I'll just get one of those. If you get one, keep it in your car, and you can just pee wherever. I'll just pee all over the car. Yeah. But with aim. Yeah. He's doing it like he's waiting for children to approach and peeking around the hedge to jump out at Honk Adam, see what happens. I don't want to draw attention from the Scientologist.

Oh boy. Okay, so what I was going to say is we've parked up, we're going to walk down a housing estate, you said? we've parked up. We're going to walk down a housing estate, you said? Yeah, it's like a housing facility for... But he's still going. How long is this way?

That poor thing has been holding his wee forever. Since forever? Since he was born. That's a long time to hold wee. Yeah. Is that him whistling? That's the sound of a Jesus. This mic's gonna pick up. This rolly noise.

Yep. I cannot believe he's still weeing. This is the longest wee I've ever witnessed in my life. I guess I've never actually watched people wee, really, but... I mean, my wees don't last that long. No, I also have a very forceful stream, though. Oh, oh, oh, it's going back for more. I can hear screaming.

Yeah, we hear whistling, screaming. Was that you whistling? No, that was we hear whistling screaming was that you whistling okay so we hear whistling screaming children here leeway thank you thanks jemma oh we're gonna are we live again yeah we're getting oh we narrated your urine oh it was the kind where it's the longest way well it was the kind where you hold it for so long sitting down that when you stand up to pee it hurts it kind of hurts and it's like cuts it off well i wouldn't know that because i've never stood to pee that's why my shoulders were shrugged my back was hunched it looked like you were peeking around the bush waiting to like jump out at some children well now i feel bad for making fun of you while recording so we're walking down this is called walsh's Manor. Okay so there is a no entry sign.

Yep. But is that more for cars? I think so yeah. I'm pretty sure this is a public footpath. Possibly? Maybe? Well because it says no parking and no turning around which... We're going to Nightingale's.

We're an elephant. Oh okay. What is Nightingale's? I don't know. Alright. We right try act like we know so it's on the left here where there's the gate that says private property sure I believe this is where I'm guessing like the less they get what this is what people get bust from this is whether that's something oh god yeah I I do yeah well there's a camera there too

so there were cameras on the trees cameras on the trees they're like sort of 19 i don't know 1960s 1970s buildings yeah they do look a little bit... yeah, I can see what you mean by less important people. Yeah. So I wonder if they ship people from here, in those buses, to the main clergy. Would make sense. Look at these, like... oh, they're so sad looking. They are quite sad looking, aren't they? I guess that one's okay, but... oh Oh this one's open! This gate's open! There's more. Wait let me see, let me see. So all these gates are open. They are. Does that mean we can... Which makes me think, oh yeah, like, sorry, when your gates open that means we can come in. Just pretend like we're filming TikTok.

Yeah. I'll do a dance. I'm a sadist. So there's not much activity around here, there is an abandoned trampoline there, I wonder what it's nice for. A bit of exercise? Oh yeah, I suppose. It's probably like their hazing rituals. You have to bounce for 16 straight hours. Is there anything else down there?

I don't know. I'll have to investigate. Danger of death. Oh yeah, Walsh's Banner. Yeah, that makes sense. It's a really old wall. What's this? A plateau of grass. I can see some lights on. If anyone asks,

we're just here to pick mushrooms. I thought it was TikToks. Well, we're TikTok. We're mushroom TikToks. So they've got a football field. They like to play football. I thought it was TikToks. Well we're TikTok, we're mushroom TikTok. They've got a football field, they like to play football. No nets though, huh? There's a ball right there. They were playing football recently.

I thought we were established here. Scientologists, they're just like us. I just like... that fence is really pathetic. It is isn't it? And it just ends there. That'll keep them. That'll keep them out. Those pesky little fuckers.

What's over here? Oh, there's a wall. What? Be careful. There's a wall. Is that a pillbox? I think it might be. Might be.

That wall right there? Yeah. I think that might be, like like a little pillbox thing. Okay there's a car here. Looks like it's been here for a while. I wonder if someone's been abducted. A little look if there's any paraphernalia in there. I can't see anything. Number plate says sky ontology. number plate says sky ontology what do you think these are prison cells possibly interrogation rooms they look a little bit prison-y yeah

there's not as many i mean there's a camera on the first yeah tree tree but i thought that'd be sort of more yeah Need a tree? Tree, but I thought there'd be sort of... More? Yeah. Well, the windows are open. They must like fresh air. Little more. I wish someone could just test my personality to... I'm feeling a little lost in this world.

I don't want a lot of direction. Need a little help. Ooh, there's a playground. Looks like they're building stuff. I wonder if they're... oh no, it's across the boundary. I wonder what they do. There's people just milling around down there. Yeah, well it's Saturday, I guess. Yep, saw them walking earlier. What is he pushing? Looks like there's a body on that. What is he pushing? Looks like there's a body on that. That's where they do their rituals. Pray to Hubbard.

Pretty sure. Yeah. So Jehovah's Witnesses are better at landscaping. Yep. Yeah. They're all about privacy here it looks like. Overgrowth. Jehovah found a QR code on the ground. It's just a Pringle thing. Oh just a Pringle thing. Look at the squirrel. Are you administering tests? Random holes hung up from the trees. Oh yeah. Yep. Good.

Yeah. Okay. Hmm. What we've discovered there is that... It's very boring. Yep, that was quite boring. Nothing exciting happened, no one approached us. Shots. They don't want our kind. Looks like surveyor signs probably for the building. That is water. Disappointingly, we were unable to make contact as we had hoped.

It's clear that Scientology intends to keep close to the vest in order to protect its secrets and its members. Alas, we may never know the inner workings of the organisation. It continues to be shrouded in secrecy, which makes it all the more intriguing. However, we will not give up. Kate and I shall continue our pursuit of the truth and with our hard-hitting investigative efforts so we can get the answers to our questions, even if it kills us. Well, actually, that sounds like a lot of work though, doesn't it?

Yeah, it does. Maybe better to say that we will continue to chat shit about things that we know little to nothing about or don't understand, so long as it amuses us. Better. Until next time, Gemma. May the force be with you? Is that what Scientologists say? Yeah, I think it's something like that. Well, that concludes our trilogy of in-person podcast episodes, Catherine. It's been a real delight and joy and a little bit of a mission because we didn't really know how to do it. But I had a good time. We got there in the end.

We did. And I hope everyone enjoyed listening to our hard-hitting very serious investigative Scientology episode and if you'd like

to hear more then please email us at talkshit2us at gmail.com or get in touch on social media at

tsybpod I just want to add and it might be too early to say but Emmy winning investigative podcast episode perhaps? I think so It's good to see you, I'll miss you

Bye Have a safe trip you you you you you you you you you you you you