Talking Simpsons - Talking Simpsons - Selma's Choice

Episode Date: November 30, 2016

Jub Jub! Yes, Selma has a fear of dying alone while the rest of the family is dreaming of going to a theme park. And somehow it all points to Murphy Brown and Johnny Carson clips. Find out how on this week’s podcast…

this week's talking simpsons is brought to you by audible and talking simpsons listeners can go to audibletrial.com slash laser time to get a free audiobook and a free 30-day trial i heartily endorse this event or product. Ahoy, hoy, everybody, and welcome to Talking Simpsons, where we put the she in yeshiva. I am your host, Bob Mackie, and this is all your fault. And joining me today is... Chris, I have a ham radio in T-Stone. And who else do we have here? Dave Surley Rudden.

Hey! And? Henry Gilbert, and I guess most of what I said could be salvaged. So yes, this is the Lazer Time Podcast Network's chronological exploration of the Simpsons, and today's episode is Selma's Choice, which aired on January 21st, 1993, and Chris will tell us what happened on this mythical day in real-life history. Bobby, you just wouldn't believe it. Pearl Jam's 10 rocks the rock charts.

NBC Greenlight's 13 episodes of a cheer spinoff starring Kelsey Grammer, and Bill Clinton announces that his wife will take the lead on his take on health care reform. Wow. That is not relevant at all. I can't believe you brought that up. Certainly not. Forget I mentioned it. It's being recorded in September of 2016, by the way. care reform wow that is not relevant at all i can't believe you brought that up certainly not forget i mentioned it it's being recorded in september of 2016 by the way i can't wait possible i go wrong that was probably a lie too yes uh boy uh you know frazier is the most

successful spinoff character of all time i believe if you think about it kelsey grammar played that character for shit over 20 years uh well here's a really interesting think about it, Kelsey Grammer played that character for shit. Over 20 years? Well, here's the really interesting thing about it. That in the Writer's Guild, when you create a character for a show in your episode, you get money every time that character is used again. So the man who wrote the first episode of Cheers to Frasier was on because he was an addition in season three. He was. He was just supposed to be a guest character. In case you don't know, he was

one of Diane's suitors. And then she leaves him for work for Sam. She leaves him for Sam. But he then just hangs around because they really like Kelsey Grammer. But he was originally created not as a regular on the show. So the man who wrote the character

and created him for that one got paid every time he was on TV into the spinoff show as well. Interesting fact about Al Frazier. I always wanted to write a movie about the guy who got this close to playing Frazier Crane. I know. He's probably miserable and polishes guns all day

while watching reruns. More interesting trivia, Joel Hodgson auditioned for the role of Woody. That's also a fact of the Manning Grizzly Man. The guy in Grizzly, I think about it so often because he was a guy whose life would have been completely different if he had been cast as Woody. He might not have himself and his girlfriend eaten by a bear. Well, he might not have gone crazy and gone to the woods. He would have been a successful actor who just by a bear. Well, he might not have gone crazy and gone to the woods. He would have been a successful actor who just did a job.

And it's crazy. Rather than an amateur bear fan, what a weird job. Well, clearly, Joel Hodgson, he found his own way, but it doesn't happen

for everybody. He would have been fine until the Gentle Ben Cheers crossover. It would have ended the same way. I'm sorry. I want to give

Kelsey Grammer props for this year dressing up like Sasha and Bob. Just saying. That's pretty good. We missed that this Halloween. He looked like Crono. same way. I'm sorry. I want to give Kelsey Grammer props for this year dressing up like Sideshow Bob. That's pretty good. We missed that this Halloween. He looked like Crono. That's what I was thinking. Yes, he was wearing a blue shirt and pointy red hair so I was like, oh, it's Crono. Oh, no, it's

Sideshow Bob. This episode is great and I just want to rattle this off the top. I cannot believe it if you go to The Simpsons ride at Universal Studios. When you're in the queue, you watch a ton of clips, and they're all theme park-based clips. A lot come from this episode, and they're all negative depictions

of not only theme parks, but very specifically certain times, Universal Studios. It's the same with the restaurants, right? It's like, aren't restaurants gross? You're in one, and you're about to order food. They use every restaurant clip, and Duff Gardens is everywhere in Universal. Yeah, I believe there's little bushes of the seven Duffs. Yeah, well, I had not seen that.

The Duff Gardens is much more, it's Busch Gardens. It's weird that they would satirize Busch Gardens before Disney. Well, they did. They already did. Well, they did Mount Splashmore, and Itchy and Scratchy Land is pretty Disney. But that's not for another season or two, right? Duff Gardens is 30% Disney. Yeah, I mean, it's a small world, which we'll get to.

I thought, and this is a conspiracy theory we had on where Springfield was, that it was because Matt Groening was from Tampa. Because there was a couple of, I forget the connections now, but like a local clown hosting a TV show, Duff Gardens. Busch Gardens is just the best, worst place on the planet. It's awful. I've been to Busch Gardens way before I went to any Disney parks. Really? Because there's one in Virginia as well. That's where I went. So Busch Gardens

deal is they just cut out the fact they're like, we're not recreating movies. We're not making fancy food. We are all roller coasters all the time and they're the craziest roller coasters. And free beer. Were they owned by Anheuser-Busch? Yeah. It was weird all roller coasters all the time and they're the craziest roller coaster and free beer were they owned by anheuser-busch yeah and yes like it was weird to see the beer connection but no actual

beer in the commercials or them promoting no i'm gonna be here i don't even think people associate it with beer anymore because i haven't seen bush beer yeah and forever grew up drinking it though i mean you'll see a sign that says anheuser-busch company i'm like bud but but bush light was like the cheapest beer you could get when we were little kids. I remember. I'm very old now. They have the distillery at the Tampa one. They do.

Tons of free beer. When I was a kid. David Cross had a huge joke. Like, it's 100 degrees, free beer. It smells so... In animals, it smells so bad. Also, that's something this doesn't do. Like, it's not a zoo.

Like, this is a... The Bush Gardens is a zoo. My parents drank Bush as a kid, and they upgraded to Miller Lite. A high-quality beer. Speaking of beer, can I get one, Mom? My parents are more Michelob. That's their brand. A different flavor of water.

I stole a beer from my father. It was Coors. Coors in the gold can. I have to say, watching this again, I remembered that I taped a lot of the simpsons at the time and i watched this one over and over and over again in like retrospect it's about a woman's biological clock it really is i was showing up for the theme park parody yeah really it is and like it kicks off again reminding people from here on out because in case they don't remember i am trying to capture every single character phil hartman has ever done and all these announcers are different characters so So I don't even want in here.

This isn't actually Troy. It sounds like Troy, but it's not. You just jumped 16 blazing school buses. What are you going to do now? I'm going to Duff Gardens. Duff Gardens, home of the whiplash. To be completed in 1994. So that's a joke.

That's a joke. That's a visual joke about Lance Murdoch falling off a roller coaster. But it was also, I grew up in Florida, so at the same time, they built Universal and MGM

and none of their rides were ready. Yeah. So they had all these advertisements where they'd show like, King Kong, it's not here yet. It won't be coming in 1993, 94. They wouldn't say it out loud though. It would be a sign on the 94. They wouldn't say it out loud, though.

It would be a sign on the screen. If you're watching Nickelodeon shows, like Double Dare filmed at Universal Studios, the wonderful Universal Studios, and they'd show King Kong. Jaws, not available. Not available. Come back later.

Come back later. Seriously, it says not, we'll be ready in 1990. We opened too early. It's not done. It was to be ready in 93, but I think that's the joke that will be lost to time.

Yeah, I mean, well, every time I watch this now, it's just like 94 is the future in this episode. That roller coaster is old enough to drink. Yeah. Oh, Jesus. And it was nice seeing Lyons Murdoch return. Yeah. Though his torture is even more cartoonish this time. Yeah.

Though I think he gets it worse in the Ned in Las Vegas one. God, what? Viva Ned Flanders. Viva Ned Flanders. Viva Ned Flanders. I'm surprised they didn't throw him into the beerquarium, though. I don't know why you guys bother. These are like Bugs Bunny cartoon titles. They're the worst. It's like the absolute weakest part of every part of it.

They got bad as soon as they started trying. When it was like Homer the Blank or Bart Gets a Blank, it was fine. That's fine. Homer the Blank. I get that. So I did look it up on Yahoo Answers just to be sure. Fish can't breathe in beer. It will kill them.

Like almost instantly, I would hope. There's no oxygen in it, and that's what, like they're drowning in beer. Yes. But a very long animated joke, the type of which I don't see a lot on The Simpsons anymore. I got to give it to Baeza. Bob's mentioned it on previous episodes. Director Carlos Baeza is much uh he has like a certain cartooniness to it i really like there's a lot of great animated moments in this it feels

like comic strips coming alive you know though it's a weird mixture of one of their more cartoony directors mixed with david m stern who is one of their most like grounded writers super down to earth super down to earth about sad women who sad women in their 40s and he writes that's what so who dies um marge's aunt and gladys and gladys yeah hi homer i'd love i'd love this homer moment i can't believe auntie gladys is really gone her legend will live forever yeah the legend of the dog-faced woman legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman. Oh, that's good. Homer, that's very rude of you.

What? Don't! I did not read an audio. I thought the echo would pick up more. That is my line of the show. It's legend of the dog-faced woman. I don't know if I have one. I have two that I love fiercely

because this is one of my favorite gags in the simpsons period because they go to uh a cheesy shoney's restaurant buzzing sign diner oh yeah the buzzing side diner and just homer trying to fulfill the maze all right i'm almost there another place matt sir please i love that that's amazing i don't know i think it could work in live action just as well i like tomer's acting this entire episode because he's more childish than ever in this one especially like i want to go to garden i want to do it now he is astonishingly excited to go to duff gardens whereas we already covered the mount splashmore episode he did not want to go at all he didn't want to go then.

He was more of a dad then, and this time he's just like, Dude, I got it, though. Like, it's the beer. No, well, I'm old with the beer, and I'm old as fuck, and I want to go. If you tell me,

here's a free trip to Disneyland, I'll say yay. You say, but you have to take your shirt off. I'm like, I won't go. I will not go. Well, Homer found a good scam. You know, we're under six, and I'm a college student,

so I don't know if Mount Splashmore had that. So we're speeding through the first act. I did want to point out the Prince of Tides reference. This is one of a few times. I've never heard them call something out like that. Yeah, I mean, this is one of the few times where they reference a trailer or a preview for a movie. Because the scene of the children with their hands interlocked, shot from underwater, was in every preview, every commercial for that movie. That's how I, as a viewer of it the first time in 93

that's how i got that reference i would in 1993 i would never have seen it at 10 years old i would not have seen a barbara streisand film this was when i was getting woke and watching every movie i taped this and watched this more than once wow prince of tides yeah okay spoiler it all ends with nick nolte getting raped as a kid oh my god that's what he was burying the whole time. And while his sister was trying to kill herself too. It's just really weird to think of a 12 year old me watching Prince of Tides over and over again. It's weird to think of an

Academy Award winning blockbuster movie starring Nick Nolte and Barbra Streisand and that this isn't the first time we'll be talking about Barbra Streisand in this episode. That was back when Nick Nolte was handsome and not the trash pile from Frogger Rock, right? You mean the trash? That's right. Without the

makeup. Whenever I hear Nick Nolte, I think of Patton Oswalt's impersonation of him being Han Solo. Back in the goddamn hyperdrive. Hyperdrive. You know, this isn't the last time

Marge will confuse something with Prince of Tides either. That's right. In case you don't know, in Fear of Flying, when she says Lowenstein, she doesn't say, oh, that's Prince of Tides, but it is, Lowenstein is the name of the therapist that Barbra Streisand That's the second time where Simpsons makes a reference and is seemingly unsure whether or not the audience will get it. Yeah. My name is Weig.

And apparently they made another Prince of Tides reference before this that one of our commenters pointed out. I forget what it is now, but it's like, I guess this was just in the zeitgeist, but now no one, does anyone ever talk about Prince of Tides?

Is it like on Criterion? Maybe James Earl Brooks was like a producer on it. It could be. I feel like there's some network I don't have that plays all Barbra Streisand's movies and that's why she's so enormously famous.

I mean, she hasn't directed a film in a million years. She has directed several documentaries about herself. forget why i know that did you know she'd like 30 2010 that's i had heard she has a mall underneath her play like she built her own mall underneath her compound i heard this about this about barbara competing secret malls and you've never seen them together so maybe they're the same person. Speaking of things left out of time, seeing Bart and Lisa are just sitting without seatbelts or anything, just in the back. And meanwhile, Maggie is sitting in the front seat. These are all things that are very dangerous for children.

And also, you never see in fiction because the PC police won't let you show it. Is Maggie in a lap or something? I guess. And the baby seat facing forward is also... I mean, a baby seat is not supposed to be in the front seat. Like, I double-checked this. No, no, you're right. You will kill your baby.

It has to be facing backwards in the back seat, so you'll forget about it. The truth is, these are all giant death machines and will kill more people every year than almost anything else, so you're just trying to minimize the damage to your baby, who will probably be dead in the event of an accident. Yeah, but they'll be way more dead if they get hit with an airbag.

You can at least hope for an open casket. Do you think that car has an airbag? I guess there has been scenes where it does. Well, mass transit doesn't help white people who are rich, does it? Homer getting tricked by his own brain, I always love that. Like, the Legend of the dog-faced woman.

Although I also thought Marge should have been more offended when he sings Ding Dong the Witch's Dance. He should have been like, hey. It's funny that Patty and Selma just kind of clam up. This could be the perfect time for a fat joke or for them to make fun of him in some way,

but they're just crossing their arms. Maybe they're too distraught. They just can't. I mean, they did cry in Homer's arms. I love, briefly, we get to see Lionel Hutz again. I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Ms. Bouvier's estate. She left a video will,

so I earned my fee simply by pressing this play button. Pretty sweet, eh? Love Lionel Hutz. Jesus Christ. I love it so much. Well, we did go past the open casket, which I liked.

Them and the corpse was funny. They got some funny stuff out of it. Like, we've got a corpse in the room with the Simpsons. Let's do something. And Bart pawing at her. And I loved hearing Nancy Cartwright's Marge voice, basically. That was good. I took it more as like a Smeckler's powder.

Like, just Bart doing an old person's voice. Yeah, that's true. Don't forget the Smeckler's powder. And I think, forgot my hat, I think that was the first time of the random droopy voice. Yeah, that's true. Don't forget this mechler's powder. And I think forgot my hat, I think that was the first time of the random droopy voice. Now, technically the man that Marge replaces and Marge gets a job, he has

the droopy voice, but I think that's the first time they've ever just had the droopy voice for one line. Is that the same guy? Yeah, the guy will later say they get him. Almost. Forget my hand.

This is a great eulogy. He was a good man. He was a kind man. He gave to his community and asked little in return. He never... That's a woman? Dear Lord. Well, I guess most of what I said can be salvaged.

Take a seat, Bozo. And that eulogy better not show up on the bill. I'll keep this short. Gladys lived alone, died alone. I guess you could say she was a role model for Selma and me. She wasn't a rich woman. I like everyone getting upset

at the hack eulogy, just like, we're leaving. We know how this is going to go. As a 34-year-old who's single, I didn't like the... It's not as funny now, petting someone's loneliness. I don't like it as much. Get out there. Start dating someone. Get your dick wet's loneliness. I don't like it as much. Get out there. Start dating someone.

Get your dick wet, buddy. I'm just going to go work at the DMV. I'm not very wealthy, but I'd like to think I have enough to keep people around for the end of my wedding. Who's going to get earthbound? That's the sweepstakes. Open bar goes a long way. So when they play the tape, the poem she's reading is The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost, which I double-checked this. To read it takes 90 seconds at most.

So that fast-forwarding is – unless she read it very slowly. This could be a Snopes issue, but I read that Robert Frost – like everyone misinterprets the poem. It's supposed to be not as meaningful as people think it is. It's about a guy who can't make a decision, not like how some decisions are more meaningful. I don't know. Lots of people misinterpret it, though. And it was a rare time where all the Bouviers agreed with Homer on something. I was sure, when I

first saw it, I was sure they disagreed with Homer. Like, you're being rude, Homer. We're going to watch this. But they all agree with him that did not watch the video. Let's talk about those chips, huh? To Marge, I leave my collection of potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here.

Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right up to Jay Leno. That's a big jump. That's a really big jump. I can explain where this comes from. I did a lot of research on this too, Bob. Let's see. I'll cover it. Let's divvy it up. Alright, well, you start. Okay, well, Al Jean and Mike Reese, as we know, they run the season of The Simpsons, season

three and four, and they were working on the Johnny Carson show. Yeah. And they were working on the show when Johnny Carson had one of his many weird guests on a real- October 16th, 1987. It can't all be Burt Reynolds. And she was an old woman, and her chips were not as interesting as Ann Gladys's. It's like, this one looks like a pear, and this one looks like a tree. This is a real clip

of chips that look like things? And wait, wait, Henry, you have to set this up. What does Johnny Carson do? It's all visual, really. It's the chip lady. She's brought her chips and they're prestige. So her name is Myrtle Young. She worked at a chip factory. Of course her name is Myrtle.

It has to be. She had a leg up on the collector scene. She was a nice old lady who worked at a chip factory of course her name is myrtle it has to be so she had a leg up on the collector scene she was a nice old lady who worked at the chip factory and she was staring at chips all day and found ones that looked weird and so she brings in them all like set up on like laid out in special dishes like sure this one looks like a pear and this one looks like an apple while she is showing it off johnny carson is trying his best to look interested. But he has a secret plan of his own.

He has a bowl of regular chips to the side. And he's waiting for her to look away. I think I'd make man distract her. We have a little more time left here. Now, what are some of your prize wins on this? Well, I have a pair of dirty sweat socks. Potato chips, folks, if you just joined us. Wow, that is a little fucking listening.

But this is better than Jimmy Fallon. Who can sing the silliest song? Come on. That's pretty good. It's a cow's head. This woman's dead. Don't fucking... That's an eyes. That's pretty good. It's a cow's head. This woman's dead. Don't fucking... That's an eight.

That's an eight. That's a letter. Number eight. Here's a camel. A camel? This is a three-minute clip. Give it a few more seconds. And the pear is rather perfect.

I have a lot of apples and pears and pumpkins. Potato chips. Potato chips, okay. Wow, the internet was so necessary. Don't even say the chip. And her reaction is beautiful. And he's trying to pretend like he didn't do the trick there. And she's like, you ate one of my chips.

He holds up the bowl and shows everything. I really thought he was going to pull the Millennium Falcon thing Conan did to Jordan Schlansky.

Everyone in that clip is dead. Wow. The difference is Harrison Ford is that much of an asshole that he would do that. He's like,

that's the most entertaining thing I've ever heard of. They remember that from their time working on the show, Gene and Reese. This was one of the rare ones where I knew it before watching The Simpsons.

Because it was a fun tape to rent of the greatest Johnny Carson moments from 30 years. And I'm sure they were on TV a lot, like Johnny Carson clips, because we should like him for some reason. If you do anything for 30 years, you'll end up with an hour of funny things. Do you promise? I've been doing this a while. I bet people can put together an hour

of something. Maybe get an hour out of this. By the way, enjoy our Best Of episode. Start eating things that look like other things, Chris. And so I dug into this a little bit more. That was Myrtle Young, and she died at the age of 90 in 2014. Holy God! Think of all the extra

chips she acquired. With her cold hands wrapped around those chips. And she left a collection of all the extra chips you've acquired. With her cold hands wrapped around those chips. And she left a collection of more than 300 chips to her family. And in the news reports, there was a local news video on it. It's on YouTube if you search Chip Lady. And it has like 1,000 views. Aw. Her potato chip legacy.

How many of those potato chips were just pears and apples? I'm guessing 250 out of 300. I've got an entire orchard. This one's round, but not very round. Your daughter says they talk about leaving it with a museum or something. I'm just like, no, it's not. Smithsonian will spit on that. Museums are having enough trouble as it is.

They got thrown away. I'm sure they did. Anyway, that's where they got it from. I love that scene. My mom gasped when she saw Homer eat the chip. She was like, how funny. He does eat an Iwo Jima chip. Oh, okay.

I thought he ate the Jay Leno one, but. He eats Marie Chevalier, Iwo Jima, and Jim. Gladys' chips are so much better than these. They really are. They look like the things. So how can Homer, Homer's sitting right next to Marge. How does she not see him eating those chips? I don't think she cares.

Like, why would she want them? Yeah, if you're sitting next to Homer, you're used to the sounds of crunching things. Well, you might get food poisoning. These are ancient chips, but... Everyone, we know Jay Leno, but Otto von Bismarck and Maurice Chevalier. Maurice Chevalier, I'm very unclear on. Yeah, Otto von Bismarck was just some random German... Very random.

Well, not random, but he was a... I thought Chevalier, was he the guy Pepe Le Pew was based on, or was he a singer? Well, I think he was both those guys. Pepe Le Pew is also based on the guy, the rapist that Christopher Walken played. Oh. What? The Continental? Yeah, he's based on The Continental.

That's right. By Little White Dough. But he's also based on Marie Chevalier. Champagne. So wait, let's talk about Jub Jub. Oh, yes. JubJub is... It's the name of the iguana.

And it is a... Conan. Conan creation. And actually, I have a clip for that. Oh, really? So just so you know that Conan O'Brien created it, here's him explaining the creation of JubJub to J.J. Abrams. JubJub Abrams.

And then getting a special promise out of him. I remember him. Like, for example, years ago when I wrote for The Simpsons, I put Jub-Jub into a Simpsons episode. Oh, yeah.

And so, I know that if I ask you, because we're very close, I think you're closer to me than anyone in the world, I know that if I ask you, you'll put Jub-Jub into a Star Wars movie.

I know you'll get it in somehow. I know that you'll promise me. That into a Star Wars movie I know you'll get it in somehow I know that you'll does that's gonna happen and this was that was in 2 2014 mm-hmm when it was announced that Abrams was directing Force Awakens and it is in the movie really there's a job job there's weird sounds any character a character pops up and says Kojima in it as a reference to Hideo Kojima in Force Awakens. There's also Jub Jub Binks.

They do that joke later. Yeah, but yeah, so it's that is Jub Jub. That explains Jub Jub. It was just a noise he said in the room. It's also a band of two men who don't play instruments. You know what I'm talking about?

How many bands are there named after Simpsons references? They are, but they're called Jub Jub because they make guitar noises with their mouth like jub jub jub jub jub jub jub jub It's not a Simpsons thing or is it based on that? It might be, but that's the band. I just did half the band for you. There's like

Fall Out Boy, of course, and Laszlo Panaflex and there's that metal band. There's a punk band called Flanders in Florida, for sure. Yeah, there's lots of bands. There's a hardcore band, I think, called 742 Evergreen Terrace. I'd believe it. So they get a grandfather clock

Patty and Selma do and I want that clock. To my dear childless nieces, Patty and Selma, I leave my grandfather clock. And these words, don't die lonely like me. Raise a family. And do it now. Now.

Now. Now. Hey, a grandfather clock. Not bad. The only perspective I have on this, I just officially lost all my grandparents in the span of 16 months about a year ago. Well, they were ready to pop, Chris. Dude, they were way past expiration date. I wish I was going to fucking chief them myself if they didn't go because they were a burden on all of us.

But if you want to, I don't understand a lot of things that older white people do. And I don't understand a lot of things that older white people do. And I don't understand. The grandfather clock was like the closest the family came into like a lifelong Hatfield-McCoy rift. Someone took the clock and another person won it. Who the fuck makes grandfather clocks anymore? They're entirely unnecessary. They really did serve a purpose of being something that stood tall and you could see the time from anywhere in the house. I've seen them in like SkyMall catalogs.

That's basically it. I always think of them as the surprisingly expensive item on price is right grandfather clock my grandfather is a thousand dollars a fucking coast guard admiral with a fucking way old grandfather clock and my parents won and every time i go home for christmas i want to strangle the clock for what does it have to do this 12 times? 12 times. This is so loud. So loud. Oh, sorry.

This is like Babby's first symbolism, but I think this is the first time I got this. So they get the clock, and then it cuts them in the car with the clock ticking. It's like, oh, it's her biological clock. How did I not get this before? Maybe I did and just forgot, but it's so over the top, but I like it.

I love how antiquated this clip is, because it's very easy. I don't even think it's just so over the top, but I like it. I love how antiquated this clip is because it's very easy. I don't even think it's a huge deal to put yourself out there and online date anymore. I wouldn't know because I have not been an eligible bachelor in years. I am highly coveted. You should see my dick underneath this gut. Put it away, Chris. This is what the amount of video dating service jokes.

Yeah. Like the idea that you have to go to an agency and stand in front of a camera and they will somehow ship your VHS out. And these are all like ripped online. You can watch the compilations of dating videos. They're great. They're great.

Well, I want to have a baby before it's too late. You're looking at a free lunch, boys. Come and get it. That seems so hard to do. But that would... It also seems like that... 90s versions of online dating was harder to do

because when you make an online dating profile, you don't have to talk and put yourself out there. Yeah, you have to perform in this. That's why those videos are so hilarious. So this is based on

the Great Expectations dating service, which I think still exists. They had a commercial on all the time in this era. And what Selma's doing to the cigarette is a parody of what Sherilyn Fenn does to a cherry stem in Twin Peaks.

So it's a reference to that, which is a super hot scene. I'm kind of surprised that she didn't get more replies, just with like, all she wants to do is like, I want to be fucked, and I want to get pregnant. And I don't think she even wants the person to be the father, like a father. I've seen a lot of fetishes on the internet none of it involved fucking getting anybody pregnant like maybe fucking a pregnant

lady uh but never never that i would think they think it's a trick to pay child it's exactly like why don't you leave i want you to leave something with me for the rest of our lives. It was also based on great expectations because Mike Reese used that service. He talks about it on the commentary. Oh, my God. Did he really? And he says that the good thing is that if you don't have enough dates, you'll have way too many dates. And that nobody cares because they have too many dates now. And then he says he met his wife on there.

But it was like he re-met his wife. Like he met his wife in college. On there. Oh, okay. And then they both re-met while on the dating service and they got married. I feel like the service would have set up those dates for you. If you're on OkCupid, which is how I met my girlfriend like seven years ago, it's like you'd have to both engage at the same time.

Oh, yeah. Don't talk about that on the air, Chris. Man, I have never had success with the OkCupid. The four times I used it. My old roommate would. Maybe it's different for the non-heteros. Perhaps. I've had modest success on OkCupid in dating sites.

But it's weird when you... There have been times when I have like, oh, this person seems cool. We actually went on a date like years ago and nothing went nowhere. How dare you change your profile picture. Yeah, exactly. Ah, shit.

And it was Willie's reaction was a rare scene of Willie not in overalls. Back to the lock with you, Nessie. But with a buff ass chest. Yeah, they kept that continuity. Which also suggests how antiquated the service is, is that you have to go to the office to watch the videos. Yeah.

I think if you pay extra, they would send them to you. Yeah. Which was a lot, because VHSs were not cheap. That's an $80 VHS. Yeah. But now like dating sites are like, they're free, but if you don't want someone to see that you saw them, that's how they charge you. Is that what they charge you for? Yes.

I have no idea. And she also goes, it's a nice little sequence of her attempting to have kids. It is. There's two things I really like about it. it's because to be this mean to a person i don't think i don't think a non-animated show can get away with yeah and even then they have to make like patty and selma have been made so disgusting by the show that you don't feel too bad i remember archie bunker making fun of his wife and calling her ugly but like the like, I've never seen a... I don't think a human woman could be made to feel this ugly as Patty and Selma are.

I think David Stern, though, does a good job of getting you to sympathize with her. Like he did in Principal Charming. Like, you want this woman who was shown as being horrible to find love, to be happy. I want the meanness with nobody hurt. The idea of someone like a casting call, like, We need a big, fat, ugly lady. Fat, ugly lady. You're pretty fat and ugly.

You might hear from us. She visits Princess Opal, which it's Princess Opal's second and final appearance. Is it Princess Cashmere? No, no, no. Princess Opal, the woman who gives her the love potion, the sex potion. Oh, you're right, you're right.

Previously seen on Barth the Murderer. And according to Simpsons Wiki, she's never come back. The Simpsons will be right back. When you really care about someone, you shout it from the mountaintops. So on behalf of Desjardins Insurance, I'm standing 20,000 feet above sea level to tell our clients that we really care about you. Home and auto insurance personalized to your needs. Weird, I don't remember saying that part. Visit Desjardins.com slash care and get insurance that's really big on care.

Did I mention that we care? Look, Talking Simpsons listeners, I know this is going to be a long one, but it stands to reason. You love your background information, your minutia, all that good stuff. You like to be informed and you also like podcasts. And if you like both of those things, we have to tell you about this service that I'm sure you've heard of. Audible. Audible, the internet's leading site for audiobooks and spoken entertainment.

They have over 180,000 titles to choose from that you can enjoy on your iPhone, Kindle, Windows phone. Does that still exist? Android MP3 player. And maybe even your Samsung Galaxy, whether or not it's on fire. And better still,

Talking Simpsons listeners can go to audibletrial.com slash las time and get a free audio book to download and a free 30-day trial just to check out the service and you should obviously you've got your best sellers like your harry potters the girl who kicked the blobity bloke and uh your song of fire nice game of thrones books you've got all that stuff new books from everybody you can think of but also little stuff you might not know about such as the simpsons, an uncensored, unauthorized history by John Ortvid, narrated by a bunch of people

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It's cold. It's surprisingly cold in D.C. The weather, I guess, it fucked with me or something because like you sit down, it's my girlfriend, her sister, her half-sister, and a guy I've never met, a nice teacher fella.

We were just talking and I'm just talking and then all of a sudden it feels like something's sliding down my lip. My nose burst with blood in the middle of talking at a bar, at a crowded bar.

And it wouldn't stop. My nose bled so bad, it ruined my pants. Something just popped. I didn't even feel it. It just... Mr. Antista, we all have nosebleeds. The longest trip to the bathroom ever. I'm covered in... Everything is covered in blood.

Can't even act cool like you did too much coke. Yeah, I come back and I'm like, does anybody have any questions for me? No, I don't have any coke. I don't think that was an aneurysm. No, I don't know Eleven from Stranger Things. I've never so badly wanted to be a person looking at me. Like, what were these new people supposed to think of me when my face explodes

with blood I feel like I conveyed a weakness of some kind and it usually happens with different weather severe nose picking like oh yeah far for this where I haven't cut my nails in a while that's usually how I'm reminded to do so get bonus time laser times weekly full-length uncensored and ad-free patreon exclusive podcasts as well as weekly full-length movie commentaries wrestling and cartoon video commentaries, physical rewards, the first season of Talking Simpson, and more at patreon.com slash lasertime, starting at just

five bucks. You'll help us live, and we'll do our best to help you never be bored again. So one thing I wanted to point out, which you don't have a clip of, is they reference a sperm bank. Yes. In sitcoms of this era, how do you believe that someone would just pay you to jerk off all day? Yeah. Because we'll take all sperm. It turns out it's much more selective.

They just don't want any guy off the street to come in and jerk off. But if you are the right kind of guy, you will make some money doing that. Yeah, but how much could you possibly make? Well, can we get, like, let me burn these off real fast. Because, like, this is just, I am so, like, the few times I've tried to talk to a strange, like, a woman I don't know, this is exactly how it sounds. Paper or plastic? You decide. So, wearing a belt, are you? Yep.

No suspenders for you. I guess not. They make us wear this. No, it isn't. Shut up, Arnold. No, go for it, man. I'm with Arnold. He should have just gone for it.

It's a little aside, yeah. But it's... I aside yeah but it's I've been there oh and who was dating squeaky voice teen like who wanted him like who's he to turn

their down but that's why it's so pathetic I don't think you can make an actual human being this pathetic he's also he's trying to let her down

nicely and then his jerk friend is like I'm gonna you know play a trick and be mean like

he's the asshole it sounds like me because it sounds like uh every way you can be brushed off politely at least five times in a row yeah well again i don't do this very often in the reverse of that scenario i more so feel bad for the women woman who's like it's my job to be friendly to you as a cashier i am not hitting on you please don't ask me out like i i've read so many stories and heard stories about that from women. The closest I get to hitting on women now is the women downstairs who serve pizza because they give me free pizza.

Well, and at the sandwich place, too. Those ladies are nice. Oh, they're gorgeous. Yes. Yes. Oh, but does she eventually... Do I hear wedding bells? She eventually settles on Hans Mole Man.

Yeah. Biscuits. Chicken. Yellow. Mailman. You're reading the wine list, sir. Very good. It's almost the exact same film or joke.

I've watched this episode probably like a dozen times. It's the first time I ever noticed how weird it is. They're at a fancy restaurant with a wine list and a violin. The waitress is wearing a diner's. That's true. A diner outfit. It's so weird weird it's been like an old model i want to say but i want to say it's a play off the joke of homer in the place matt because they both have the same response very well oh yeah you're right joke you're right i hope it's not them being unoriginal so uh sorry salma meets hans woman at the dmv we see his license for a second. It confirms that he actually is 31 years old, which is revealed in Dufflist.

I'm only 31 years old. Born in 61. Wow. And it was a great return of him at being denied stuff at the DMV. It's the second time as the guy at the DMV who can't read things. Back then he was known as Ralph Mellish, which I believe is a Monty Python reference.

Right up until 1997, nearsighted jokes were chief of like the highest prioritized jokes in comedy. Hans Oldman did predict emoticons with the smiley face. I love that vision of the blind children bouncing around. It is a great animation of just the blind children

bouncing off each other in the house. While they're just sitting on the couch with their like holding hands. Isn't that a weird way for women to think of you? Of the children you'll supply? Yeah, the dumb things your kids will do based on the shit that you do. I guess it's pretty similar. What a horrifying curse.

It's pretty similar to Lisa's vision of being married to Ralph. It really is. Except they don't have southern accents in this one. So when they go back to the when you get a second commercial for Duff Gardens. Duff Gardens. Where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore. Now featuring

the clean shaven sounds of Hooray for Everything. Hey kids, take a walk on the wild side. And all the races sing. the Lou Reed song they were doing there. Me too, me too. I never got that before. Is the lyric all the color girls sing? It is all the color girls sing due to this. Lou Reed,

the nation's worst rapper. But the great, the punk rock icon, the late Lou Reed. So it's them bastardizing his song. But it's a, is that a part of

the second? I think that's a, like a Disney thing, right? That happy teen thing? Well, it's the second appearance of Parade for Everything. Second and last. They never come back either.

It's the Up With People parody. The Up With People. Dave, I never knew about this either until the last episode. I just thought it was a Super Bowl thing, not a theme park thing where teens sing happy things. No, the joke is about them just sanitizing songs. They would get a popular song and then kids bop it in a way. What I want is I want to hug and kiss you.

That was because George Meyer hated Up With People. He hated them. And then second, the roaming gangs aren't a problem anymore. That's a lie because they will steal bumper cars. And it was the same kids. They were arresting Jimbo Dolphin Kearney. To be fair, they said they weren't a big problem anymore. I love the way he says that.

They're still here i i guess that i mean that's what the no doubt fucking album title that everybody knows is tragic kingdom which is about like socal kids who hang out really yeah because annual passes for residents was cheap as shit so kids would go and hang out there like the goddamn mall yeah and so like people were super annoyed by the local. I think Disney is probably making annual passes more expensive, so that doesn't happen. I hear about people in L.A. and Orlando who just get the year-long pass. I heard $100.

It's $100 to get into Disneyland. Yeah, period. And so $100 to hang out there all day whenever you want. I mean, come on, kids want to just get away from authority figures. What a great place to do it. Oh, God. All the food. Great joke in the middle.

This may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? Boy, I don't know. You've got to be pretty desperate to make it with a robot. I knew that. I think it's Homer alienating most of his 2016 fans. Well, it was more rare back then, artificial insemination. I knew that. I think it's Homer alienating most of his 2016 fans. Well, it was more rare back then, artificial insemination.

Well, I was thinking more of fucking a robot or a wife pillow. Oh, yes, yes. Or a real doll. It's pretty much like a robot. And another greatest hits from Barney. How do I know I'm getting quality? Don't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process. All done. Thank you. Always't worry. Our donors have to pass a rigorous screening process. All done.

Thank you. Always a pleasure. What a beautiful little girl. That's probably not going to work in audio, but I didn't visualize it, but to think that Barney just jerked off. Barney Gumbel just jerked off. He's in a great mood. Well, there's sidebar things you can

see on any porn site well it's not tiring at all well it's also weird they're like he's in a he's in a hospital gown which like you don't need to be in there you just yeah you pull down your pants and then you pull them back up it works the same you know i i think in the 90s they they love those sperm bank jokes on sitcoms because they did finally joke about semen we can get away yeah it's true but like at the same time i remember an snl sketch like two years later about i mean there were numerous stories of people who ran sperm banks and like you got to get a viable donor and the viable donor turns out to be the owner and so one guy john goodman my my 137 kids dude there's a right there's a vince van movie based on that, isn't there?

About that same premise, the idea that your sperm goes out to all these people. Yeah. I can think of so many sitcoms that just had a sperm bank in them. I mean, even animated

like Duckman, probably The Critic did. Beavis and Butthead definitely went to a sperm bank a few times. Yeah, what are you coming at? Look, if you want to

seriously invest your sperm, hit me up on Twitter. I know you can get a lot more interest. Really get the most out of your polywogs.'s an entire uh ucb episode that's all about the underground sperm trade like uh the godfather but with sperm instead of drugs yes yeah uh and why do they want horse shack why is that one the the when they're called a sweat hog which i checked

but it's not or shit the other ones are all hot. Yeah. And wouldn't be desperate enough to... Wouldn't you want John Travolta's gay baby? Yeah, Bob Marino shit all up in you. When I was 10, the words Horseshack and Sweathog meant nothing to me. It was a very confusing joke. You're right. Because I didn't even hear about Welcome Back, Cotter until like... The Friends theme is number one on the charts.

The first time since Welcome Back, Cotter's theme made the charts. Then after that, Nick at Night started playing it. I fell in love with Welcome Back Cotter. Oh, me too. I watched it all from front to back. I loved it. I stopped watching when Travolta stopped being on the show and it just became the Horshack show.

But I think I only really watched it on Nick at Night mainly because I had too much time and no friends. Exactly, same here. But secondly, just to get Simpsons jokes and other references. In 1995, when John Travolta hosted SNL, there's a giant parody that mixes with Reservoir Dogs. I never heard of Welcome Back, Cotter. No idea. I just remember being psyched that Nick and I was starting to show colorized shows.

I'm like, whoa, I've got to watch this Welcome Back, Cotter. It's better than Donna Reed and Dobie Gillis. I think if you grew up when we did, Nick and I was kind of like a Rosetta Stone for references. Like, I get this one now. Yes. I got 80% more Mystery Science Theater. Oh, me too. Oh my god, you need that. You need Nick and I

to get Mystery Science Theater. Learn all about sea hunts and manics. And I, not this is apropos, I cannot buy any more ironic things at retro stores, but I was just in Pescadero and I just passed by, and like,

treated like, treated like the fucking Rosetta Stone or like on a shelf, pristine, was a set of Welcome Back Cotter novelizations.

Wow. Oh, wow. It's just, yeah, straight to book Welcome Back Cotter episodes and it was just the first one was John Travolta's Satan Says, Barbarino Drops Out.

And I'm like, I'll never read this! I'll never read this, but I want to. Selma would have so many better options than ham radio these days. She's limited to her ham radio and I also really did like the exchange between Marge and Petty. Yeah. That was fun. she's limited to her ham radio and i also really did like the exchange between margipedia

that's all that in that and i couldn't get the audio because it doesn't work but you all know the homer sandwich oh my god i love it's fantastic it's the greatest him with his sandwich homer eating that sandwich he can't stop eating it i know i've done that i know i've done nothing gets me more excited to go i always always make that joke because my girlfriend, not my girlfriend, but women I know will be like, I just gained 10 pounds. I'm like, I can gain 10 pounds in a weekend. You want to know the secret? Catering.

Anytime food is free, I'll gain 10 pounds. And so I take home shit from anything. Anytime I'm allowed, I will take home free food. Well, so that's how Homer gets that giant sandwich. It's based on Al Jean not getting very sick from eating a sandwich. But I've done that too where I thought like, oh man, these cookies are great. Munch, munch, munch. Two hours later, inhale on the toilet.

And afterwards I'm like, I talk myself into thinking, these cookies can't have been the problem. I better just eat some more cookies. Carrying out a tray full of free food from an executive office meeting that they threw to the plebs, that's when I say, everyone is stupid except me. This food is free as fuck. What I like most about this is that Homer has done lots of stupid, reckless things before, like falling down a canyon and stuff. But in this instance, he is punished realistically for doing a stupid Homer thing.

Like, I have had food poisoning this bad where you have a fever and you're delirious and you just are dying. You're passing out. I've always wanted to hear you lose weight. The two shades whiter. Yeah, exactly. And I love that the sandwich has little toadstools.

And the bread is purple. Yeah. It's so gross. It's the way Homer goes, Duff Gardens, drop! So Homer can't go to Duff Gardens. He's shivering. He's in so much pain.

So is this Selma's choice? Like, who lives and who dies in this episode? Well, Selma taking on the kids, it's a very interesting, it's a clever story device to get her to understand what being a parent actually is like. Not having a baby, but actually taking care of children. I think part of the joke though is like she's not just taking care of any children. She's taking care of Bart and Lisa. The worst behaved children.

In this context. It would be like if you had never coached a football team and were thrown in in like January to coach the Bengals. And you also grew up with them so they don't respect you. It's almost unfair to Selma. Bart sucks and what he does is his fault, but Selma is a bad mother. We get there.

We really appreciate you taking the children on such short notice. We'll have fun, won't we, kids? To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit. See you tonight. Goodbye, Dad. Don't need any solids. But I love solid. Oops, whoops. That could be my quote of the show. Yeah, it's need any solids but I love solids

oops whoops that could be my quote of the show yeah it's one of mine I love solids I do love the sudden change from we'll try to have fun

without you and literally as the car goes yay won't be any fun without you dad yay but then they get

to Duff Gardens they get to meet the seven Duffs only me four of them it's the seven Duffs there's Tipsy and there's Queasy there's Surly.

And Remorseful. Hey. Take a picture. It'll last longer. Get out of here. I couldn't believe how much Surly was around Universal Studios. It's a Surly-focused episode. It's weird how into beer lore that Bart and Lisa are.

Like the Duff Beer-amid. I think the joke is this is about selling alcohol to children. Everything is very beer-focused. So they say seven Duffs. They only named four. The latter Duffs were named in both the episode Pygmalion and the video game Hit and Run. So the remaining

Duffs, we heard about Tipsy, Queasy, Sterling, Remorseful. The remaining Duffs are Sleazy, who I believe was named in Pygmalion, Edgy, and Dizzy are from Simpsons Hit and Run. So they eventually named all seven Duffs. It took like another 15 years. Sleazy is the name of the deleted weasel from Who Framed Roger Rabbit. Oh, okay. Edgy is a weird one. Like, are you edgy when you're

drunk? Yeah. Pretty fucking edgy. When you go to Universal Studios, there's, in the Simpsons section, there is the Duff Garden section where they have the Duff Store basically set up a bit like the Duff Store section where they have the Duff store basically set up a bit like the Duff store where Bart buys the beer goggles and

also they have little topiaries of the seven Duffs and I even bought a Surly bottle opener that I gave to Bob. That's on my fridge right now. So Duff Gardens is alive and well. Can you drink Duff beer? I want to know what it tastes like.

It's got to be awful. There is Duff beer there, yeah. I mean, it's just beer. It's America where you can't put a cartoon character on a beer, but I'm pretty sure England has done it. You can buy Duff beer. Well, you can drink Duff beer at Universal, but they don't sell Duff beer in America on its own.

Is it Alkoholic or like Bottega? I mean, it's why they sold Buzz Cola, not Duff beer at the 7-Eleven. This is going to be a tough question. The Butterbeer in Universal Studios is the most... It actually has an anti-slugworth device that causes it like it will corrode molecularly. So you can't bring it out of the park and enjoy it. And also, it's allegedly so people can't steal the formula. Because it took them forever to decide the formula of Butterbeer and had to be approved by J.K. Rowling.

I've only been there PHP pre-Harry Potter, so I can't speak to it. It's delicious. Butterbeer is the best. No idea what it tastes like. But it's not alcoholic, right? Yeah, no, it's for kids. Okay. It's just, it's a soft drink.

It's non-carbonated, just like tasty cinnamon. Yeah, but if you hold it for like an hour and try and take it to the park, you'll notice it all separates from itself and layers more. It all falls apart. I was wondering if Duff did the same thing, but I bet it's just fucking Korean height beer. It's just cheap. Yeah, I think it's just cheap beer at the place. I don't know. I didn't drink Duff beer there. I drank the Flaming

Moe, as I talked about on the Flaming Moe episode. Oh, that's right. Not purple. Which was pretty lame. It's not purple, not alcoholic. It's just a fizzy, yellow thing. That's why I'm boycotting that place. I want a true Flaming Moe. It's a pretty crappy Flaming Mo lame. It's not purple, not alcoholic. It's just a fizzy yellow flame. That's why I'm boycotting that place. I want a true flaming mo. It's a pretty crappy flaming mo. It also replaced Back to the Future,

so all of you should be happy about that. Hey, you know, hey, you got the video. Christopher Lloyd is in the ride as a reference to... I might ride this for that. Okay, so I didn't want to get political on this one, but I did get a punch in the gut seeing the Hall of presidents jokes just it reminded me that trump will be in the hall of presidents i literally read an article about it

yeah they're having to figure out the design it disgusts me he'll be he'll he'll forever whether he dooms this country to fascism or not or blows up the world, he will forever be in history books as President Trump. He will always be there. No, I don't think... Should he disgrace himself, as we're all predicting, he'll be removed from the Duff Hall of Presidents.

He will not rap with Abe Lincoln. Nixon was still in the Duff. And remember, the Hall of Presidents is a Disney World thing and Disney World alone. Oh, so just Disney World.

Yeah, there's an Abe Lincoln thing at Disneyland and it's only Honest Abe. So the presidents has every president no going up to the time they did have all the recent ones it became a thing to make them and you'd actually record an audio thing like i just remember i didn't go there i'm the best robot i'm the best audio animatronic there's ever there ever was i didn't go there there when Obama was president, but I did go there when W was president, and I absolutely did not want to see

an animatronic W talking to me, but he recorded his message. Hey, this is Shitkicker. I'm a robot. This episode trained me, though, where it's like I've been to Disneyland three times in my life, and I knew, like, don't go on Small World.

It sucks. You've been more than me. I have? How did that happen? I don't know. I love the line. Actually, my line of the show is, anything this bad happen? I don't know. I love the line, actually, my line that shows, anything this bad has to be educational.

Yeah. I love that. And we have the classic, I'm blank and I'm here to say, which was, I think, coined by Barney Rubble. Did we figure out the etymology of that phrasing? That's who I attributed it to. He loves fruity pebbles and a major one. And Washington freaking out Terminator style

is almost a preview of what we'll see in Ancient Scratchy Land. But let's not forget the erotic adventure of Hercules. Yeah. What's going on here? Oh, Yentl. I might have known that Yentl puts the she in your shiva. Well, you've cooled down. That's what you think.

You know, I rented another tape in case you felt better. The Erotic Adventures of Hercules. With Norman Fowler's Zeus. Woo-hoo! That was the neighbor who wouldn't fuck his wife on Three's Company. I know, but that's what got the most reaction. Yeah, woo-hoo. Norman Fowler.

Well, he loves Mama's family, so what are you going to do? I mean, Troy McClure name-checked this movie on Mr. Plow, I believe Mama's family, so what are you going to do? I mean, this is like I say, Troy McClure named this name check this movie on Mr. Plow, I believe. It's one of the few times we actually see a movie he's been in that he names previously. So he does, like, he's gotten like three voices on this episode. Yeah, multiple voices. He never actually says

anything as Hercules. He laughs, but he never says anything. It doesn't sound like him. It sounds close enough. I thought it was him. But the Erotic Adventures of Hercules, I guess it's just like an 80s Cinemax film, right? I think it's based on the Erotic Adventures of Zorro, which was a real movie. Totally. So it's more like the 70s era of like Emmanuel and the story of O or whatever.

Less Zorro the gay blade. Very different from that. And, oh yeah, I also often think of the line, this looks fun, a bench. Yeah, I always think of that when I'm tired. Literally any bench I sit upon. I've taken my girlfriend to Disneyland a few times and I am the kids to her Selma.

I just want to sit down. I didn't pay $100 to sit down. Let's go fucking do this. Just sit on the roller coaster. Yeah, sit down on the roller coaster. Or sit down on Small World. For 90 seconds. Which takes way too much shit, in my opinion.

All right. I don't know. Let's all talk about Small World. I've never been on it because of this episode. This episode colored my judgment on that I wouldn't ride Small World for another, like, 10 years after this episode. And my dad, I remember we were all going on it. My dad had actually been on the small world ride in

disneyland in like the 70s and he said he was none too pleased to be going on small world again too many ethnicities so so him saying that him saying that and also my remembrance of duff beer for me duff beer for you in both those cases made me think i'm gonna hate this i hate small world but it is like three minutes too long it's well you got to get all them of Duff Beer for me, Duff Beer for you. In both those cases, it made me think, I'm going to hate this. I hate Small World, but it is like three minutes too long. Well, you've got to get all them continents in there. I know. They've got to go everywhere.

And here's what I'll say to older people, like let's say Bob. Hi. Bob, if I told you there was a place where you can go and ride a ride from one of the first World's Fairs that ever existed. When the world was excited about technology, robots, and space. The Wigsphere? Dude, but that's what this is.

It premiered at the World's... Small World premiered at the World's Fair. Oh, back when they mattered. Okay. Yes. But seriously, back when they mattered. What year? Like in the 50s? Well, 55 is when Disneyland opened. It was one of the first rides. So for that alone, older... I understand being younger and hating the ride. It doesn't look like a real post-war sentiment.

If you're 8 to 18, you're going to hate this ride. Everything after that is like, this is a great diorama. It's very well designed. Such good craftsmanship. They clearly hate it, but this is almost one of my lines of the show because it's just that little Selma can parent. The fear for me, the fear for you. I want to get off.

You can't get off. We have five more continents to visit. Hey, Lisa, dare you to drink the water. I'm not sure that is water. Chicken. Quit it, Bart. Quit it. Quit it. Quit it. Bart. Quit it. Quit it.

Quit it. Bart, be quiet. Lisa, drink the water. So I want to tell the story about this. I'm sure Henry knows what I'm talking about. The story, the origins of the drinking the water, Lisa getting stoned thing. So this actually deals with a writer from The Simpsons who just died in October, Kevin Curran. Or Kevin Curran.

He wrote for Married with Children and he was also the voice of Buck the Dog. Oh, wow. So whenever you heard Buck talk, October, Kevin Curran. Or Kevin Curran. He wrote for Married with Children, and he was also the voice of Buck the Dog. So whenever you heard Buck talk, it was Kevin Curran. He told Al Jean that he drank the water in Pirates of the Caribbean, and he was delirious for three days. He was totally trolling Al Jean, but Al Jean believed it and put it in this episode thinking the water was spiked or it was poisonous or something like that. And much later he told him he was kidding,

but that's how this ended up in the episode. Kevin Curran, he wrote some bad episodes, but I don't blame him entirely. Those were bad seasons. I have a vague recollection of, was this an urban legend I'd never heard of? I think it was. I think there were urban legends like this,

like, oh, they spiked the water with LSD or whatever. Yeah, like kids telling, touch your tongue to the battery, like something kids did. Well, that really happens. You can really shock yourself. But I thought that's what this was. Yeah, please don't.

But I thought about's what this was. Yeah, please don't. But I thought about that on like water rides at Six Flags. Like one of those puppety water rides and just think like, that water's disgusting. I'm trying to remember. I did go one place where I feel like I got sick from the water because I wasn't doused to where like I got a cold. It was like, no, the water getting my eyes and mouth. Well, meanwhile, when you you go on Splash Mountain,

it's just like hyper-chlorinated water that it's antiseptic. You don't want to hurt those robots. But Lisa's having a realistically observed acid trip throughout the end of this episode. I remember this being like a dumb teenager obsessed with The Simpsons and we were trying to pinpoint

that every member of The Simpsons has tripped balls. And if you forget... The writers must be getting stoned. Dude, that's exactly how we sound. And this is our proof of Lisa. Oh, no. Bart...

Oh, no. He drank the quickie. He drank the... Oh, yeah. He drank the slushie. Squishy, yeah. He drinks the squishy. Marge drinks the water that's been spiked by Shelbyville.

The walls are melting again. Homer eats the Quetzalcoatl pepper. And then Lisa drinks this water. We gotta get the baby high. And it's very clearly the Ralph Steadman Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas drawing. But if Selma turns into

it's beautiful. I mean I didn't. It was another one of those like you know you watch Citizen Kane and it all clicks. It was one of those things when, not so much the movie. I watched the movie when it came out, because even in 98, I was like, I'll see anything Terry Gilliam does. But when I read the book a couple years later, Fear and Loathing Lost Faith, it's like, oh, that's the drawing. I saw that movie the night after an acid trip with no sleep, hoping the acid was still there, and hated that movie for a long time. Wow, I love that movie.

And now it's one of my favorites, but like, never mind. I just think I'm bragging that I took acid. I watched House You on acid, and I recommend it. Oh, Jesus Christ! When you really care about someone, you shout it from the mountaintops.

So on behalf of Desjardins Insurance, I'm standing 20,000 feet above sea level to tell our clients that we really care about you. Home and auto insurance personalized to your needs. Weird, I don't remember saying that part. Visit Desjardins.com slash care

and get insurance that's really big on care. Did I mention that we care? Mine was cube, but that's way more hardcore um but this is if i had to have my line of the show can't you do something hey surly only looks out for one guy surly sorry surly shut up that shut up is a is a hank azaria ad lib they pointed out like he kind of i love that like, the way that scene has a shut up. It's perfect. I think he's just stamped the ticket guy.

Yeah. Actually, their nose is slightly different, but I think Surly and just stamped the ticket guy. I have the same soul. I have to play this last line because it is the last Phil Hartman character that I have no idea who he is. Oh, right. Yeah, that's right. Because I have to run idea who he is. Oh, right.

Yes, that's right. Because I have to run away and go pee. I'm sorry. We found this one swimming naked in the fermentarium. I am the Lizard Queen. Give her this and this and then these. Oh, thank you, Doctor. No, I'm not a doctor.

I love the fermentarium. i'm not a doctor i love the fermentarium god okay so we missed a few things and what i love this kind of worldview where it's like uh actually teenagers are in charge because we can pay them the lease and they don't know what they're doing i love that message that you see in all these like early simpsons episodes like teenagers are running the world because the people with money can't be bothered. Yeah, I love the line, better stop it. Better stop it. Like, that's so great. I'll have to ask my supervisor. The Electric Light Parade is pretty, like, perfect recreation of the Electric Light Parade when Lisa's seeing the music.

Oh, yeah, I had heard on the commentary they said that, I think they implied it was Yardley that didn't get the Lizard Queen reference. Yeah. Jim Morrison? Yeah, it's a Jim Morrison, I am the Lizard King. It's a pretty obvious one, but I just get the feeling from listening to commentaries and interviews that Yardley is the one who is the most...

She's nice, she's nice, but she definitely seems the most in the dark about what they're doing. She was on one of these, and one of her most amazing insights was like, wow, Homer's pants are the same color as Marge's hair. And you're like, can you please get her off the mic? Yeah.

I love Yardley Smith. She has a great voice. I love her. I'm glad she's a millionaire. Like, she should be. And she has the only Simpsons voice that has not aged horribly. Like, everyone else sounds much older, but Lisa still sounds the same. But it's okay.

It's a little. It's a little. I mean, everyone's aging. I think Nelson is more iffy. I just love that I'm not a doctor. And them stealing the bumper cars is so great. I wanted to believe as a kid that you could steal bumper cars like that. They weren't just tethered to like these. They're still making the electrical noises.

That only happened when it's connected to the roof. When they drop off the kids, Homer and Marge are like having sexy fun time of childless parents. It's like a second honeymoon for them. Following epic food poisoning. I was curious. Did these guys make you feel better about being childless? Or did you get the same

lesson from some of like, oh, this is way too much trouble to have kids. I don't ever plan on having children, but it's like when I realize the freedom I have, I gotta go home and feed the kids. It did make me think about times that I was taking on trips outside of my house and my parents were not with me.

I'm like, oh, okay, now I get it. Bob, what I realized about you, because every time I talk to you, it's like, what did you do this weekend? In your list, I read this, I played this, I watched this, I did this. You're way more disciplined

with your time in a way that I am not and begging for a child to come in and somehow regiment this endless sea of free time and work

that I can't organize. The trick is, Chris, have an anxiety disorder and fear death. That'll make you prioritize all of your time. Oh no, I welcome the death

embrace every day okay well me too i mean let me drink for a bit so i want to talk about uh so eventually yeah selma finds out that uh which is a great message like i'm not ready for kids i'm not going to happen like having kids would be selfish which is which is a great message i think more people need to follow realistically in life but um this is a parody of the end of season four of murphy brown which was a very controversial season in 1996 this scene would make no sense yeah because it but they thought this scene would be so memorable it was the season four finale may 18th 1992 and there were some politics behind this where um dan quayle you know campaigning for george w bush's i'm sorry george

hw bush's uh you know second term was kind of underlining murphy brown is like this is filth nothing could be more offensive than a woman having a baby on her own terms think about it out of wedlock yeah like a man should be deciding these things for her hey it's probably why it doesn't get rerun doesn't play in the flyover. Well, so she has the kid in May. He makes those comments in the interim of the show. And so the first episode back is called You Say Potato with an E. I Say Potato Without an E. And it is Murphy Brown replying to Dan Quayle. And first off, Dan Fontana tells her, what do you care?

It's Dan Quay quail he's an idiot and then she like totally shames him on tv saying uh inviting all these real life single mothers on stage oh are these people not legitimate families now like they don't have a husband and and it feels antiquated to even talk about that that being like it feels it feels antiquated to even talk about that, that being a national issue. It feels antiquated for someone elected to office to get angry at television shows. Thank God it's happening again. Now they're getting mad at plays. And plays. And the arts.

It's been too long. I'm spoiled. Apologize. Spoiled. It hasn't been since H.W. Not even W. did it. No. No.

I tell you, I don't care for that South Park naughty language. But anyway, so Selma's singing that specific song. I had to like that song. No, but what's Carly Simon? Well, let's hear it. That was a cover, but this is the Murphy Brown clip of her in the hospital with her baby. Just a few words to let the kid know who you are. Whatever you feel comfortable with.

And when my soul was in the lost and found How you came along to claim it I didn't know just what was wrong with me till your kiss helped me name it Now I'm no longer doubtful What am I looking for

And if I may feel You just cut to the chorus. Unbelievable. So they're saying that only people who can bear children are natural. Unbelievable. I've never seen something so anti-trans in my entire life i'm boycotting murphy brown i right now hashtag boycott murphy brown i'm gonna do a relevant protest against a thing that someone wrote murphy brown was a beautiful show and then candace bergen candace bergen is a badass like yeah she kicks ass ass. And she pushed such a political agenda on that show. It also seems crazy now when network TV wants to be apolitical and bow down to fascists.

It's funny to see Candice Bergen push to show that was political. Yeah, and that was CBS, which is now the fucking Chuck Lorre network. Yeah, the Chuck Lorre NCIS network. Yeah, that too. But yeah, they thought that would be a very memorable scene and now no one remembers it. Why did Murphy Brown disappear?

My mom was such a huge fan of the show. Everybody clear the fuck out. I watched it all the time. I hated it because my mom wanted it. There was reference on Seinfeld. Well, I mean, it was on Nick at Night for a while, this clip we were watching

on Nick at Night like logos, but it went away. It was on from 2005 to 2007 was on Nick at Night for a while, this clip we were watching on Nick at Night, like logos, but it went away. It was like on from like 2005 to 2007, maybe on Nick at Night. I also remember reading a very funny Onion article. It was from 2005 or something of saying, local man realizes what it means that Murphy Brown is on Nick at Night. And he's just like, what? Murphy Brown's on Nick at Night? That's not, that's a reseal. Oh no. I think part of it though is it's very dated in a way that is

kind of unfair because it's very caught up in the politics and the celebrities of its time. It's ripped from the headline and joking about John Sununu. It's interesting to watch,

was it Maude? Is that Bea Arthur? Yeah, Bea Arthur. The abortion episode where like they talk about like, I don't know, maybe abortion shouldn't be legal. Like, what year is this? Oh, that's what you were talking about. They could only talk about, I don't know, maybe abortion shouldn't be legal.

What year is this? Oh, that's what you were talking about. They could only talk about it because it had been legalized in New York in that episode. And Adrienne Barbeau, her character gets to say the word abortion, which was a huge deal to even say that on television. Thank you, Norman Lear. It's important to remember episodes like that of Murphy Brown. I remember watching Joan Rivers' special or her documentary. They show this old clip of her joking about abortion

on 1960s television except she just says, like, a friend of mine went down to Puerto Rico for one of those surgeries. You get to start with the letter A, you know what I'm saying? I was like, wow, she had to talk around. Let's not go back, people. Let's not go back to this. Let's have a fight on who has been responsible for the least abortions right now.

Oh, that guy. Because it's not me. That guy. How many abortions do you think Trump has paid for? I would say at least, I'm going to say somewhere between 50 and a million. Probably more secret murders. Yeah, let's see. I hope we find out someday.

But anyway. Oh, wait, Bob, you had a link to something we didn't even talk about, the Barking Dog record. That's right. If you want to bring this up, like, Patty consoles Selma by saying, like, we'll get that Barking Dog record finally tomorrow. I love, like, the subtext of that joke that, like, something's missing in my life. That they have talked enough about this record that it's a common knowledge between the both of them. And it's a record from the 50s. I believe that's what they're referencing.

I don't know the name of it. I thought it was Jingle Cats. No, that came a bit later. This is one of those novelty records based on really primitive editing techniques. Don Charles Singing Dogs. It's going to start in a second. It still makes me laugh.

Can you just imagine the size of my dress as I dance around it? It's our first dance, honey. Did they cite this exact album? Or is it just like this is the preeminent? It's like the most famous singing dog album. Because it was sort of like Alvin and the Chipmunks where it's like a very simple audio trick. Alvin and the Chipmunks was like let's speed up the RPMs. That still works.

Yeah, it does. But this one was like let's splice in different dog barks. Look at the cell at the bottom. Dig those crazy dogs. Yeah, the record is called Those Barking Dogs because I guess they were famous? I don't know. You skipped like 80 minutes of the album. It's all on YouTube.

It's like Ren and Snippy music with dogs barking on top of it. So yeah. We've done a great job. We missed that reference. We dug so deep and we're like an hour and change. There's so many references, including Murphy Brown, which is important. But yes. Great episode.

I love it still. Hey, Bob Henry Dave. You make me feel like an intro woman. That's why I'm here. You make my dick invert. Yeah, that was a fun episode. I love it still. Hey, Bob Henry Dave, you make me feel like an intro woman. That's why I'm here. You make my dick invert. Yeah, that was a fun episode. As a review, I'd say it feels half like a season 2 one and half like a season 4 one. Yeah, it's a David Stern.

Yeah, so you get the sentimentality of a very real thing of her ticking clock, but then you get like crazy magic that happens in other parts. It's one of those wonderful simpsons episodes for me to re-watch because just remembering through my through a kid's eyes like i have no idea what the fuck is anybody is talking about until you start talking about amusement parks and as an adult like i missed i missed three quarters this is really the first time they really went headfirst into a theme park because like there was the mount splashboard that was just part of an episode it was the opening to it yeah like headfirst into a theme park. Because there was the Mount Splashmore, but that was just part of an episode. It was the opening to an episode.

Like one water slide. And so that's why I rewatched this over and over again. Like, let Selma talk, Selma talk, Selma talk. Wah, fucking theme park! As a person who would later work at a theme park, it's like, ah, yes, I have led a kid. I've only led people who are over the height limit for kids rides onto Kid Ride. I've never been irresponsible enough to let a kid under the height limit on. That's bad. Bart with the bar going behind his

back was like, was so caution, that is such a great, that ain't good. I say that too, I also feel like I didn't in my last ride. Such a cautionary, like that scared the shit out of me so I didn't sneak on rides after that. Like I was, I was recently in London and they had this,

you know like those swings they have at every theme park. They don't go up that high, but in London, they have one that literally goes up probably 100 feet or so. I think where I was from was called the Yo-Yo. 100 liters. Yeah, but it was like they put one seatbelt around me, and I'm like, I'm going to be hundreds of feet up in the air, almost going sideways. This is almost a Bart Simpson situation where it's like, this is it? For me, it was just like a limp chain

that just dangled in your lap. One last thing. So beer goggles in this episode, is that the previous day equivalent of an Instagram filter? Ah, yeah. That's a real trick. See, again, those dating videos,

you could make yourself look good in it, but it's still moving pictures. Okay, Cupid Now is all about just your one good picture. The MySpace angle holding the phone up like a satellite height. I never understood beer goggles. Because all I felt like it did is it lowered your inhibitions towards things you're told are attractive. If you like men or you like women, odds are when you're drunk, you're going to focus on those attributes rather than the ones you think should...

Oh, man, doesn't have big tits. I don't care. Of course you don't care. You don't really fucking care. It's just bragging rights. That's a thing you want to fuck. They're implying it will make you horny for anything if you drink enough beer.

I'm telling you it's not the case. We're all horny for each other all the fucking time. It's just all these little stupid society things that get in the way. Fuck somebody you don't like. Just do that over the break. Take that with you. Over the Christmas break. Just do that.

It's our message of Thanksgiving to you. Message of hope. All right. So this has been Talking Simpsons. I've been your host, Bob Mackie. You can find me on Twitter as Bob Servo. I also host the classic gaming podcast, Retronauts. Find that every Monday at retronauts.com or usgamer.net.

And I also write for Fandom. Fandom.com. Go there. Read my features. They're awesome, as usual. Everybody else, chime in. Laser time. Tired of talking about it.

Go ahead. H-E-N-E-R-E-Y-G is my Twitter handle. Follow me there for, I think I'm up to 80% political things, 20% non-politics. But also, you can read my great work on fandom.com as well, all my writing there with Bob. But I'm also still a part of the Lazer Time podcasting family.

And you can find the first season of Talking Simpsons along with a bunch of bonus episodes and tons more stuff on patreon.com slash Lazer Time. And I think Dave will have more to say about that. Yes, it's also the home of many commentaries. Not quite unlike the Simpsons

commentaries that are great on all those episodes. But we do movie commentaries quite regularly. We also... In the new year, Simpsons movie, man. It's 10 years old. Wow, really? And I want all you assholes on that. I'll be there. And also bonus time, our weekly show where we just shoot the breeze. One of the holiday episodes of Laser Time was a bonus time best of.

We should have another one around Christmas because, hey, it's tough to put all this together. The only thing I forgot to mention is that Phil Hartman talking to Yentl. We were on 302010. 302010 is one of our latest shows other than this one where we look 30 years ago, 20 years ago, and 10 years ago into the past of that week. If you like the news segment I do at the top, it's like that but with more sounds.

We looked at American Tail and I rewatched American Tail and thought the father at five old was so great. He's very great as a Jewish immigrant. He's Barbara Streisand's dad in Yentl. He's still alive from what I hear. So I'm pretty...

I don't know, but I think that's what Phil Hartman was doing. He's doing the dad in Yentl, who is the dad in American Tail. What a connection. Yes, 302010, 302010.net. Listen to that. Just tell a friend about the show. I don't know. Share it with somebody.

I think our president would throw a Bible out of the country. Thank you for listening. We'll be back next week when bart gets a bigger brother see you then wow infotainment