Taskmaster The Podcast - Ep 116. John Kearns - S8 Ep.7

Episode Date: February 2, 2023

It's a returning guest this week and it's none other than the brilliant John Kearns! John and Ed catch up on all things Taskmaster. There's a S14 recap and then they get down to business and discuss Episode 7 of Series 8. What would the pair bring in for a slippery thing and would John have spotted the grid in the Pink Lady task? Enjoy! To find out more about John's tour visit johnkearnscomedy.co.uk Watch all of Taskmaster on All 4www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmasterVisit the Taskmaster Store for all your TM goodies!taskmasterstore.com Visit the Taskmaster YouTube Channelyoutube.com/taskmaster Get in touch with Ed and future guests:[e-mail] Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You can get anything you need with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs and mozzarella balls, yes, we can deliver that. Uber Eats. Get almost almost anything. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast.

It's Ed Gamble here. It's an Ed Gamble with a cold. That's why I sound slightly bugged up. Hopefully that will not intrude too much on this episode and you will not be so disgusted that you have to turn off. We have a wonderful guest today to talk about Series 8, episode seven uh and that special guest is a quick returner we've only had him on recently but we loved him so much we had to get him back it's the brilliant john kerns from series 14 uh always love speaking to john he's absolutely hilarious uh i think this will probably be the first time he's watched this episode as well so it'd be nice to get the fresh insight into it

it's a great episode some very good tasks and a wonderful lineup as always very excited to chat to john you should go and see john on tour he's doing a tour called the varnishing days uh it starts very soon but i think the dates are sold out or selling out but he may well be adding more so keep an eye on that go to johnkernscomedy.co.uk for more details but let's speak to john about taskmasters series 8 episode 7 welcome to the taskmaster podcast john kerns thank you ed lovely to see you lovely to have you back quite a quick turnover of you coming back on actually we don't normally have people back on this quickly but we loved you so much the last time we thought get bloody jk back on please well you know um i'll talk a bit of baseball um well we can talk we can talk a bit of baseball if you want um i'm not sure how helpful that would be to the main aim of the podcast oh i

thought that was like a phrase when you kind of oh no inside baseball inside baseball i believe is is the phrase yeah sorry yeah they very very rarely say, let's talk baseball. Sorry, yeah. A bit of inside baseball. A bit of inside baseball, yeah. We're not going to talk about baseball. Forget baseball. We're going to talk inside baseball.

There's not even any tasks in this episode that even vaguely relate to baseball. No, I know absolutely nothing about baseball. Bases? Is there bases? There's bases, isn't there? Yeah, you run around them. I mean, I know some in. I know what one looks like. If one was hurtling towards me, I'd duck going, baseball nearly hit me. Reason why I'm saying inside baseball is when I was asked to come back on yeah my initial reaction was this is too quick right i felt uncomfortable with it i felt you know a lot of things go through

your head in this industry inside baseball where you're going uh who's dropped out why do they want me back so quick you know uh how good is the episode are they bringing me in on a you know a lot of things go through your head sure um all of the negative things it seems immediately went through your head yeah of course well there's nice there's nice things as well and that you know not everyone gets asked about john it's nice that they want you back but um you know oh yeah so i said i just emailed said, I'll do it. Well, we're very happy to have you back on. And, of course, we like to have people back on as well

because we only interviewed you halfway through your series, really. So, obviously, we got to talk about everything that happened up until that point. But then there are things that happened afterwards, John, that we didn't get to talk about. So there's some highlights that I've got listed here of things that happened after we had you on the Taskmaster podcast. We do need to talk about you climbing up a TV aerial.

Or attempting to climb up a TV aerial during the Eat the Grape task. Well, the TV aerial that was dangling down from the caravan. There's no TV in the caravan, so I don't know what that's there for. Yeah, but so I agree with you. I don't know what that's there for. But my next thought wouldn't be, let's try and climb up it like a ladder. Well, I've said this before. I looked at it and my imagination immediately went to the film The Rescuers

where the little mouse runs up the comb as a ladder and then jumps in the wine bottle. Right. So very early on in that sentence, there should have been a clue that you couldn't do it. very early on in that sentence there should have been a clue that you couldn't do it because what I'm not the size of a mouse you're not a little mouse

no I'm not a little mouse I'm a well I don't remember the last time I weighed myself I'm a heavy man yeah but I'd say no humans could climb up an aerial regardless of weight let's not use this to body shame anyone John you do what you want I think could climb up an aerial, regardless of weight. Let's not use this to body shame anyone, John.

I don't think... You do what you want. I think... I had to audition once for... I think a lot of people auditioned for this. The Crown, right? Right. I didn't. Well... You would have thought I'd be a shoo-in.

I've played royals before, you know? You have, yeah, you have actually. I look posh as hell well hang on hang on right it was for a chap called God what was his name anyway whatever he broke into he's the chap who broke into the Queen's Buckingham Palace and then sat at the end of the Queen's bed. You know what? I genuinely guessed that before you said it,

that you auditioned for that part. Didn't he parachute in or something? Well, no, here we go. This is what brought it up. Right. He climbed up the drainpipe. Yeah. Now, I remember thinking, you know, I think I can act,

and I thought, you know, I gave it a good go. But I remember thinking, I bet when they watch this tape back, they're going to go, OK, the guy can act. But will the Netflix audience imagine that this guy can quickly run up a drainpipe? So that was in your head when you were doing the tape? So that was in your head when you were doing the tape. Yeah, I look like the kind of guy that maybe, you know, ground level, you know, acts a bit ignorant to, I maybe act a bit lost. Like, you know, I've kind of lost, I'm a worker in the palace that's lost his way. Right.

Someone goes, yeah, in there, mate. Yeah. But I don't look like a guy who can jump a fence and run up a drainpipe. So, correct. If anything, that's just enforcing what you said, where you're thinking, why are you thinking you can climb up a TV aerial? Yeah. It's a bit different, but I take your point. I don't think...

So he couldn't have climbed up a TV aerial either, I don't think. No, I reckon he could have. I think they've got a sky dish at Buckingham Palace, so it's a moot point. Apparently as well. And he wasn't just sitting at the endingham Palace, so it's a moot point. Apparently as well, and he wasn't just sitting at the end of their bed, he was having a wank as well. I've never heard that.

Absolutely. No, he wasn't. No, he wasn't. Absolutely every rumour can have that added at the end of it. Any, any, any single rum rumor you hear about someone and you know who's having a wank as well oh was he look i just think if you'd throw that into your audition tape then you might have had a better chance yeah i'm glad we didn't have this conversation before

you know what who else is to throw this in the mix? John sent us two versions. Double click that. Fuck me. It's in wide as well. Doesn't need to be. God, he's just said his agent's name and his height while he's doing it. Oh, God, that is bleak.

Just imagine saying your agent's name, your height, and then getting in a character. Like, oh, my God, what's he doing? Why didn't he start with his trousers on? Why the fuck, why is he, why did he have to stand there like that? Oh God. I'm going to say this. You know, you do interviews for Taskmaster.

Yes. And you know, they print them yeah our series we did them yeah they don't exist and i think it's because i spent all of the interviews saying i think alex horn's got like uh I spent a lot of time talking about his shoes yeah I think his shoes are a bit like come on mate you can buy some better shoes than that right they're a bit like there was a guy in year six in all shoes like that it just issues look like it's in primary school shoes right okay yeah anyway I don't know where those interviews are someone must have said something terrible

but they don't exist you do with the press person at Taskmaster those interviews get sort of farmed out to various places but you've never seen never seen them only series that never had them and I really want

to know why also Dara Mania they don't follow me on Twitter still well Dara I understand

I don't think Dara trusts you still after the sabotage. Yeah. Yeah. That guy doesn't trust you. And Munya's like an international superstar now. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The guy's been the Sandman. The guy, you know, he's on, you know, modelling adverts on the channel. You get long-listed for these comedy awards, but you go, well, I don't have the clout on social media to say vote for me fern sarah munya in the bag they're sat in the roundhouse friday night fingers crossed me and dara he's got the trophy i've left that thing with nothing So, would I be right in thinking you'd not seen this episode before, John? I'd not seen this episode. I was aware of the series, of course.

I was aware of the line-up, but not this particular episode. Well, it's a strong one I think and let's kick off with the prize task for best slippery thing did you have any immediate thoughts as to what you you might bring in John obviously you you started quite slowly with the prize task you didn't do great in the initial part of the series but then it started to pick up I think Greg tuned into your sense of humor more. He tuned in. Yeah?

He tuned in. It took him a while to find the frequency, but... You won three prize tasks. That's good. That's more than your fair share, I think. That's good. Well, it's funny. Watching this back, or, you know, watching an episode, like this particular one we're talking about,

once you've been on it you do watch it obviously with a slant of like you know when sean brings out a slipper and greg's like right you know it is it's dry stuff but is not easy um what would i have brought in i liked i'll be honest i liked lose thinking with like nasty nick yes i think i would have gone down that route of kind of because if i if i if i think slippery, I think my, my main, my brain immediately might go to like slippery character. Yes.

So I might've done maybe a drawing of like, who else is this? Well, actually I, I was quite slippery character in my series. So if, if, if,

if I was asked something, you know, to bring something in slippery yeah and it was like the final episode i would have just brought in a portrait of myself portrait of yourself the slippery character who remembers uh this also so it's you in it yeah that's a really good like title for a portrait of yourself in a gallery? Who remembers this arsehole? Bracket self-portrait. That's brilliant.

Who wrote this arsehole? That is absolutely brilliant. A self-portrait by John Kearns. Bracket self-portrait. Yeah, I really like L lose uh do you know what she's built she built the slide i'll be honest i remember thinking like and i don't know if this is like being watered down a bit in future series but like you know paul also brought in his kind of thing that kept he brought in a banana and then he covered it in...

Jelly. Is it banoffee pie or something like that? Van Jelly Pie, I think he said. Yeah, it was banana skin jelly and then added a pair of slippers to it. So just to rub it into Sean of quite how simple hers was, he was suggesting that it was a mere part of the prize. Yeah, I was kind of impressed by those, really. Yeah.

The kind of impressed by those really yeah the kind of the invention and the and yeah thinking outside the box well I think that's the thing isn't it I think you get to you get to a certain point where

bringing in one thing unless it's really like from left field you do need to add other things to it so it really draws Shans into focus Joee thomas brought in soap which is a classic joe thomas prize he really doesn't think outside the box that guy

well he thinks later on in this episode uh i'm thinking of the studio task yes he shows some intelligent um logical thinking very smart uh and i was kind of impressed by how smart he was I mean he's obviously you know as were all the well I think the majority of the in-betweeners they all came from the Cambridge Footlights yes don't be fooled by their kind of bucktooth shenanigans on the old E4 series they they don't worry about them they came from uh high on but uh yeah very clever guy so then when he brings in soap i'm like well the beginning of the episode was my my kind of questions were answered by seeing him at the end of the episode yes the guy thinks laterally yeah yeah slippery thing he's brought in soap whereas i'm spending all day walking around thinking what's slippery yeah

he's probably getting that and thinking right i'm gonna spend what he probably didn't spend a second thinking about it he went soap slippery yeah get on with my day and that's how you make a success of yourself he's not wandering around the house thinking what's slippery he knows what's slippery well this this represents five of them should have brought in a bar of soap you know he's that thing greg has to judge it on you know thickness yeah how much how much lather it gets you'd have to do a slip test you'd have to do a slip test with all the soaps wouldn't you get the man up and get a slip test he's a big guy it's going to do a slip test with all the soaps, wouldn't you? Get the man up and get a slip test. He's a big guy. It's going to be a big fall.

Let's get viewers watching this thing. Yeah, absolutely. But that's been Joe throughout the series, really. I don't think he spent any time on the prize tasks. I think he got them all done in a day, or less than a day, really. We had best see-through thing, I think, last week or a couple of weeks ago, and he brought in a window. He doesn't take he doesn't take any time over he's like bang done get it out the way um i'm currently uh working up a stand-up show yes you're on tour i'm currently

on tour the varnishing days i am indeed uh you know sometime I do a bit of audience interaction where I kind of ask what you know if they can answer this question what their dad did for a living I've had three times the same answer now if you think about it that's quite a high percentage yes when the answer is makes windows three people have said that to me so that's your crowd three people now again somebody might be listening to this going well three's not a lot ed you'll back this up it's a lot it is a lot it's absolutely a lot when it gets to what does your dad do he made windows he's in double glazing he made windows i've had that so if now if anyone says who is my stand-up for i would say the children of people that make windows

I would say the children of people that make windows. It takes us a while sometimes as comedians to find our voice, yes, but also find our crowd. And you've finally done it, John. I'm so proud of you. It's children of people who make windows. Grown children. Grown-up children of people who make windows, yeah.

That's fantastic. Apparently. Apparently. But I'm with Joe. I mean, Joe,e you know he shows you how it's done yeah and he gets four points i think greg's so used to this now that of him just absolutely going as so route one it's almost weird uh with something like soap sterling brings in the uh the toy alien egg. Do you remember the alien eggs? I do remember it. It made me laugh when they showed it on the screen. Like when it just showed a bar of soap on the screen,

I was like, this is television. But the alien egg, I had quite a Proustian reaction to that where I was like, God, I can... But I completely agreed with the taskmaster when he said uh it's more sticky than slippery yeah that's true it's not a it's not a slippery thing and also i think ian was trying to appeal to nostalgia there but greg's too old to get that as nostalgia his he does have some nostalgia for it but it's connected with him having to tell kids off so i think it was the wrong the wrong shot for greg i think 100 his nostalgia is uh i think early 70s presumably yeah yeah um

yeah i mean and also the taskmaster famously has a bit of a chip on his shoulder regarding youth yes um i think i spoke on the last episode about how I felt he was maybe struggling a little bit with facing these youngsters. And, you know, Ian reminding him of that by bringing in a kind of gooey egg with an alien inside it, kind of probably thinking about it, acted against him.

Yes, I think so. But he's still got three points, so not bad. That's because he beat, what, a slipper? Yeah, some slippers, yeah. And what was... Oh no, the lowest was two points.

Sian got a point to slipper. So it was two points for Sian, three points for Ian, four points for Joe Thomas' soap, four points for Paul Sinder's bad jelly pie, and five points for the slide with Nasty Neck on's mad that's mad uh that's mad marking i think yeah it is quite mad that's

all over the shop he's clearly forgotten to do one as well because at the end he goes alex goes to him uh well that means lou gets five and he looks over like and he's like well we didn't give anyone one and he's going oh i thought i'd keep it i love seeing stuff like that because i'm like oh that guy's forgotten again one yes it's straight out the bat and he's this must be near the end of the series he's gone i don't know he's got what i'm staring at but imagine because also people you know people listening to this greg davies has done every series of course yeah uh this is an odd thing i felt it's it might sound easy but the first time you meet him is in the studio yes you have time with alex in the house the only time you meet greg is very first episode when he's in the studio

meet greg his very first episode when he's in the studio and he watches it that's his first taste of you that's that's kind of he's looking at you going i don't really know who you are and now i've got to watch this and so he's frazzled he's tired he's a funny man firing all cylinders so i'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt there. Some crazy marking, but I think he did get it right. I agreed with him. I thought Lou's was definitely the best. Lou was the winner. Yeah, yeah. Hi, Joe.

Hello. Soap. Five points. There is a soap. Yep. It's definitely slippery. There's no way that... It's classic.

It's classically slippery. Yeah, I mean, I certainly think of soap as being slippery, but I think if we could just eat this chat out for a few more seconds... Yeah. Soap, soap, soapy, soapy, soapy, soap. If you like soap so much, Nasty Nick is a soap character, so it works on three levels. Thank you.

Thank you. Got a point? Got a point. Task one, find the pink ladies. If you touch or move a ball, you must turn it over. If you find the green egg, you are disqualified. Most pink ladies wins. You have ten minutes.

Your time starts now. This is a great task. I like to think I would have spotted the grid, John. It's very important to find the grid. Oh, my God. Really? Well, I don't think I would have found the grid, no. I'm not finding the grid in a million years. Oh, John, you're not finding the grid. Oh my God, really? Well, I don't think I would have found the grid, no. I'm not finding the grid

in a million years. Oh, John, you're not finding the grid. Oh, right, sorry. Yeah, yeah, you're maybe finding the grid. I like to think I would have spotted the grid.

There is not a cat in hell's chance that you would have found that grid. I'm not finding that. You know, I was watching this and you know the poster, the train poster, and it's got the grid

on the train windows. Yeah. I was just laughing, thinking, no way. I genuinely think if I was there for a year, I would not get it. Like a year, just filming there. They feed me, they water me.

You have one year, your time starts now. Still not getting it. No, I'm not. I'm not. What would have been your technique then what would you have done would you have gone with sean's technique of literally just turning over bowls well i laughed out loud when the taskmaster asked sean did you think this game was just randomly guessing where some apples are

yeah sean is uh she kind of just um i don't know she's a busy successful lady she's kind of going all right let's get on with this uh is there an apple under there is there an apple under there also when she found the egg yeah he started saying oh you know she'd been to see a clairvoyant who said that she could i mean what did the clairvoyant say i think you can know there's an apple under a bowl i mean that's not a clairvoyant that's like that's a madman but then lou was really impressed by it and lou was like lou was like yeah that's how you knew the egg was under there no she knew the egg was under there because she knew what an apple felt like when she rattled it about yeah and when it rattled about a little green egg

she was like well that's not an apple that's an egg it's obviously the egg yeah i mean it was like yeah you knew it was the egg oh look at lou's face go on youtube and look at lou's face when um sean says she went to see a clairvoyant uh you know her eyes are popping out of her head she's like finally a fellow angel a kindred spirit exactly um yeah that just shows you how willing people are to believe this stuff that lou's immediate thought was you it was the egg rather than you can obviously tell what is an egg inside a bowl that's why the rule was if you touch the bowl you have to turn it over

because you can tell what it is if you touch the bowl and rattle it um good i i would have done i would have done though what uh lou joe and ian did which is of course yeah you've got to look under you've got to look under yeah and i'm guessing that you can see what's under there's a hole for an umbrella in every table i'm guessing that i i yeah i was wondering whether they were looking through the slat yes it was the hole for the umbrella paul kind of did maths which is crazy well i kind of did maths, which is crazy. Well, I kind of, you know, I rewatched this episode for this podcast. He started doing maths and, um, I'll be honest again, inside baseball, nothing to do with baseball. I've got the episode on, but I'm not looking at the screen.

Yeah. He starts doing maths. I looked at the screen and it was like, my brain was at a fork in the road. I was like, do I rewind that? See what he's doing? Or do I just carry on with this? I can't tell you how quickly I carried on with that. I didn't know what he'd done.

And I should have. People listening to this may go, John, you know, you're on the pod. Why didn't you rewind it and see what he tried to do? Why didn't you try and work it out? That'd have been fun. That'd have been fun. Do 10 minutes on it. I couldn't have moved on quicker from seeing Paul try and do some maths

like that. Awful television that. And I like Paul. I like him a lot. Well, he was trying to calculate the odds, right? So he'd found Well, he was trying to calculate the odds, right? So he'd found two, and he was trying to work out what the odds were of him finding another one or getting the other one.

Yeah, I know. Yeah, I presume that's what he was doing. He's dressed like... Who is he dressed like? He's dressed like the guy from... Arthur Dent. That's it. Yes.

So there's a lot of maths with Arthur Dent, I suppose. It was quite an Arthur Dent thing to do. So it fitted in with the cinema man and the Arthur Dent image. But no, I kind of, I respected Sian. I kind of liked that. She found them straight away, but then just kept going. I mean, speaking of that, let's talk about ian what the hell was he doing he found the five pink ladies and he knew there were five because he'd found out from the cow clue that there were five pink ladies he'd done it he'd

finished it and alex said do you want to show boat and keep turning them over so he does and gets the green egg it's insane a couple of things please um going back to sean just very quickly i will say it was like you know you were impressed by it i was a little bit impressed by it but it was like being impressed by someone winning on deal or no deal like she had no idea what she was doing yeah but because it went well you kind of get tricked by it. Yeah. Regarding Ian, now, well, again, this was one of the moments where I thought, if you've been on the show, you kind of know what's happening here. Yeah. I had a similar thing with Alex in that he will say stuff like,

I wonder if I were you, or do you want to showboat a little bit, or are you sure you want to do that? He gets in your head. He really does. And because he plays this kind of, you know, blank every man kind of almost Jeeves character to your scrambling bumbling Worcester. I Wasn't surprised Ian went for it because he's got this little mate going do you want to show off and You know inevitably that's what comedians gonna do. Would you I

Wouldn't have done that. No, I'd well I would not have done it though. I would have laughed and gone Yeah, that's what you want me to do. course i'm not gonna do that yeah um yeah i mean actually thinking about i don't know why did he do that well it is an unstoppable force of energy you can see it throughout this this whole episode as well especially the next task when he's dressed as a pirate he just loves it he's just so excited i just think he's like because a pirate. He just loves it. He's just so excited. I just think he's like... It's because he makes millions of quid sat in a booth chatting about fit people

kind of not shagging each other, and then he can live his life doing whatever he wants. I'd be bloody laughing with loads of energy if I could do that. Christ almighty, yeah. I'd be bouncing off the walls.

Yeah, fair enough. Lou finds four pink ladies and then finds a pattern, but runs out of time. I don't know how she took 10 minutes over all of that. Well, again, I can't talk there because time... The thing is, if a task says take 10 minutes i always took 10 minutes yes so i think i think i think i think maybe she spent a lot of time running over like to the cow and stuff yeah yeah um but it's still a long time to not find all the apples because joe joe did it joe did it well within the

time and found all five i think that was that was. And he didn't even know there were five. He just said, I'm going to stop. It was pretty good. Yeah, you took your time with stuff, John. I'm thinking particularly about the exercise balls as well. But that was a deliberate slowness. You decided to take your time over it. You were just going to have one attempt.

You spent all your time setting them up. And then you did the trick shot, and it was great. There's other Taskmaster contestants in history who have just been quite slow. I'm thinking of Phil Wang in particular, whose energy, as we say on the podcast, is that of Winnie the Pooh. He just pumbles through every task with no end, to no end.

Yeah, I'm like Winnie the Pooh, but then at the end of the episode, I kind of slip out of his skin and I'm actually kind of, uh, quite a, I look like Winnie the Pooh, but just kind of just a bit more trim, but I'm still like,

could, could do with a bit losing some weight, but you go, Oh, he's not like as big as I thought he was. That would be a really weird end to a Winnie the Pooh thing, wouldn't it? He slips out of bed. What, just like Winnie the Pooh shedding his skin like a snake?

Yeah. And he's just like a thin of... I'm not thin, by the way. Anyone listening, go... It's a thin of Pooh. Thin Pooh. Yeah. God, yeah.

Yeah, thin Pooh. It was nought points topo it was nought points to Sian nought points to Ian three points to Paul four points to Lou and five points to Joe oh I see

the pink right okay that's one that's the apples of course oh is pink ladies an apple oh

sustenance that is actually that's working quite well Apple. Oh, oh! Sussed it, son! That is actually, that's working quite well, actually. That is a pink lady. Now that one, I can't see it. For what it's worth, I think that's... The oranges are just, there's just, there's a non-event. Okay. Well, I'm not, I, well, okay, yeah'm not... Okay, yeah, fine, I'm telling you.

It's a pink lady. Oh, no! You have to turn that one over. No. You have to, you touched it. If that's a green egg. Pink lady! Yep.

Every veteran has a story. Whatever your next chapter, Yep. for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future. Task two. Two parts to this.

Part one, choose an outfit that the contestant whose first name comes after yours alphabetically must wear throughout a future task. You have two minutes

to make your choice. Your time starts now. Part two, correctly wearing your complete outfit, identify the flavours of these crisps. Closest guesses wins.

You have ten minutes. Your time starts now. Bit of fun, John. Bit of the with the old costumes that's what i thought that's what i thought watching this i thought bit of fun you know you sit there with a little catalog a little alex horn catalog fancy dress i had a again so again i'm kind of thinking back to my series going well what was was there anything like this for me and the one that it reminded me of was there's quite a few task mask task master tasks where they make you choose things yeah for a task you don't know what's coming yes so when i was looking at the uh when i was flicking through the catalogue with the other contestants, you know, visually, as in when I was watching television, sorry. Is that how you see it? Is that how you see it though? When, when anyone's doing anything on television, do you think of it as, as if you're doing it with them?

I thought I'd got away with that and then I realised who I was talking to yeah I imagine I watch television not as if I'm a viewer but I'm sat on the shoulder of whoever's not talking watching the person talk

so Happy Valley I'm just always on the shoulder of someone kind of thinking my god really I've never seen shoulder of someone kind of thinking my god really i've never seen happy valley i picked it random my god really again again i could have maybe got away with it someone else did you go and admit to your partner that you'd uh cheated on her and then she found out you just watch normal people yeah yeah it does it does affect me unfortunately uh during sexes i'm thinking my god

i don't think i was into this hey um so you're flicking so you were flicking through with them with them yeah yes yes yes and uh i'm thinking be careful there might be some red herrings you know you're thinking when they show the boxing gloves you think oh well they won't be able to use their hands then yeah how do you know the task might not be to punch something or to lift something and exactly actually might be a benefit so you kind of have to go random with it paul got very serious and was just like i don't want to upset anyone which was lovely very sweet um and yeah of course then it went on to the task and they had to um well do you want to explain yes so they had to open these crisp flavors it's a class this they've used this sort of thing before on taskmaster to identify the flavors of course

we've had pies uh your series had ice creams um flavoured things that you have to you have to pin down the flavour of and these on this occasion were crisps or as Ian Sterling calls them

clarisps yeah he throws an L in there he throws an L in there and I remember watching this when it went out and first thing I did was tweet Ian saying clarisps

oh god I absolutely it made me scream with laughter how do you throw an L in? It's brilliant. And then immediately forget you've thrown an L in as well. I call them crisps. What did I say?

Oh, I love him. He's got nice teeth. Yes. The problem with these, you know i i i don't i well i don't mind my teeth but i don't really fancy a camera zooming in on them once i eat crisps but watching him i was like yeah he's got you know his teeth are nice yeah he's thought ahead with this. He thought, I might be eating something on Taskmaster, I'm going to have to get my teeth done. Yeah.

I would have loved it. You didn't think ahead, did you? Yeah, I built a career wearing fake teeth. Yeah, exactly. And then you decided to not wear the teeth for Taskmaster. Dear me. It's always a tricky thing, this, because you're eating crisps, you're not expecting to taste gin and tonic.

Although now, I think you can get gin and tonic-flavoured crisps from M&S, can't you? I think you can, yeah. Again, people watching this are probably going, these things are really odd. When I'm watching it, I'm thinking, how can they not pin down toothpaste? Yeah.

But it's like that thing of, you know, imagine, you know, the word red. Yeah. But the font is blue. Yes. And you're staring at it and they're going, what's the colour of that? And you're like, well, it says red, but it's in blue. Yeah. That's what's going on in your mind.

Yeah. Or what do cows drink? What do cows drink? I don't know. Milk. What's happening there? I've assumed you would have heard that one.

No. Think about it again. What do cows drink? Milk. Do they? assumed you would have heard that one. No. Think about it again. What do cows drink? Milk? Do they? Little baby cow will, won't it? Yeah, little baby

cow, but a calf that would be. Cows drink water, don't they? Yeah. There aren't massive cows.

Like a gif that just keeps going. Yeah. I've never seen a cow sucking itself off. Well, after this, maybe. Yeah. I'm opening some minds. The farmer walks past with this coming out of his speaker. Some of them are like, never tried that.

Oh, God. Not easy, this thing. Not easy. Not easy. Joe's pretty good at it, though. I mean, he gets toothpaste. He gets burnt toast, which I think must be really difficult. Here's what I would say.

He had only got half a point for burnt bread, and everyone was laughing at him. Same thing, isn't it? It's a weird way of saying it. It's exactly what I thought. Actually, he should have only got half a point. Burnt bread is toast. No, but it's not burnt, is it?

Toasted bread is toast. Burnt bread is burnt toast. Surely. I think you're right. Yeah, I felt a bit for him there yeah also there are moments when again i had it where you say something and everyone's kind of laughing and the audience are like yeah this guy's absolute idiot and you're going i don't think i'm an idiot and then in the car home you're looking it up going, that's true.

Yeah. Are you thinking about the pharmacy ducks in that situation? Yes, you are. Yeah. You're an idiot. So it was, Lou and Sean didn't do great.

I mean, it's always funny seeing people eat disgusting things and then have to try and work them out. I love the twist in your series where you had to present to like them. Seeing Ian Retchard suggest one of the colours is purple, suggesting one of the flavours is purple was great. Lou and Sian, it was 0.5 out of 5. Oh, dear, only half a point each. Paul got 1 out of 5.

Ian got 1.5 out of 5, but I think it should have been 2. And Joe got 2 out of 5. Very smart stuff from Joe. Spearmint. Toothpaste. It's not sweet and it's not savoury. You could use it in Asian cooking. Ooh, that's blue.

Blueberry beef. Sorry, blueberry beef? Actually, can I put blue seaweed? Because I might get a point for blue. Oh, they are bile. That's the flavour of burnt. Cigarette ash. LAUGHTER

I can't eat that. That absolutely stinks. Of, like, a manky house. Oh, God, they're just getting worse and worse. I think we'll leave it there. Soap, toothpaste, no idea Cigarette ash And no idea I'll see you on Christmas Eve Bye bye

Bye bye Task three Do the most powerful thing with your little finger Most powerful thing done with your little finger Wins, you have 30 minutes Your time starts now Very broad remit this one very broad i liked i liked what paul and ian did yes i i like that i thought it was a good idea i think the power

of the internet now uh making a difference yeah paul gave 100 pound to a uh couple that wanted to go on honeymoon and they had a kind of kickstarter going yeah which was uh i thought that was funny it was really funny and i loved how calm and sort of taking it in his stride he was when alex was going so do you know that he's like no no i i really i really like that yeah 100 pound as well nice like it's not like 20 quid it's like 100 pounds 100 pounds you know yeah they're looking at it going well thank you yeah um and the message found them did he just type in no idea he must have just gone on to kickstarter and yeah and then left that message saying it's the Cinnabon from the chase.

I'm a legend when it comes to giving out. I like the idea that Paul Cinnabon every year just gives out £100 to a couple who want to go on their honeymoon. He's known for it. Yeah.

What I noticed about them as well though is they'd already raised quite a lot of money. Yeah. It's like it's not nearly three grand where they go in yeah also like it I'm not married you are but yeah either people well I don't think people actually to get serious for a second I think people are getting mad later in life and so the old kind of thing of you know please can i have a toaster's kind of gone yeah um but this thing a kickstarter for a honeymoon i was like what well anyway paul gave him 100 quid i hope they had a lovely time they gotta be i felt they gotta be there must be more to it like did did

they because he's famous did they tweet him a picture going thank you paul like maybe with a little cocktail there and you got us this i felt there could have been yeah there should be more to it really did they go for a dinner at a top steak restaurant which is what paul envisaged them doing he did but uh you know as you know, you're into your food. 100 quid, two people at a top-stake restaurant? It's not touching the sides. It's not touching the sides. Having said all that about wedding gifts, we had a wedding gift list.

Oh, you did? We did. Alex Horne bought us a towel rack. Like a towel ladder. Like a towel ladder like a towel ladder yeah you probably fucking try and climb up every day I wondered where that was going I thought this is sweet this is nice

right there it is none of it is true probably that is true yeah that is true all of that is true yeah that is true all of that's true um yeah i loved what paul andy did i thought it was a nice idea to use that little finger but i guess visually it doesn't have the same impact as the rest of them no no it didn't but then i have a bit of an issue with the visual ones. Yes. I remember watching stuff Fern did, and I remember going,

well, no one told me I could do that. Right. So in this episode, Joe with his little finger, well, he has a match taped to his little finger. He lights the match. Kind of the match is then lit onto another wick of some kind. Yeah. That Mission Impossible style goes along a wall, which then releases a curtain that says recycle.

Recycle. Yeah. I'm not into that. Why not? Again, this is inside baseball. I'm going to say something now that I reckon, I reckon he didn't like it. It's hard enough.

Light in a match with your finger and your index, your thumb and your index finger. Yeah. I don't think he did it. It's bollocks. What do you, do you think for the tasks to not be void, you have to light it still on your finger?

Yeah. Surely you can light the match normally, put it on your finger. Well, that's not what they show. They showed him light in a match with his little finger. And I was like, no,

he didn't. Right. And then it says recycle. I'm like, this is bollocks. But the action itself is him burning the string with his little finger, right? So that is surely the powerful thing rather than the act of lighting it.

Yeah, I'll give you that. So I don't think it's a disqualifiable offence, but I thought you were going to go in the direction of talking about Sharns, because obviously long-time listeners of this podcast will know that although I do enjoy them, I don't think that the ones that the production team do all the work with should be scoring highly.

And in this instance, it doesn't. I don't know Sean. I've never met Sean. If she hears this, I'll deny it. But absolute crap. I don't even know what's going on. You're like, you've got a guinea pig, strokes it with a little finger, it becomes a real guinea pig?

Yeah. Absolute crap. If I've cared for four hours to get into Watch Taskmaster, and then that comes on, I'm like, this is ridiculous. She's brought in a slipper. Now she's apparently got a magic finger that turns guinea pigs into guinea pigs. What's going on a slipper. Now she's apparently got a magic finger that turns guinea pigs into guinea pigs. What's going on? Competition winner.

I'm not sure I felt that strongly about it. I felt strongly about it. Come on. Everyone felt strongly about it watching. I'm looking at their faces. I looked at Lou. Lou's like... I mean, Lou's was...

Lou's, I mean... I know Lou. Out of everyone of this... I i think i know lou quite well yeah well actually i i can't be too harsh on lou here because i think if you know lou and viewers of this series would have got to know lou quite well you're what you're well. You're watching her do what she does. And what she does for everyone listening

is she creates a bit of theatre called Sea Change where she uses her little finger to roll this kind of ball. Well, that's the plan, isn't it? That the bowling ball is going to roll down that tube and fall into a bowl full of water which has got rubber ducks and baby dolls in it.

Yeah. But obviously because it's Lou, what happens is she massively, completely fucks everything up, bursts into uncontrollable laughter and has to push a brick in instead. And then says it's about pollution. Yeah.

It's very funny. I mean, it's funny, but you can see... it's very funny this is it's funny but this you can see this and again this is where I'm gonna stand up for the taskmaster yes he must be thinking what the hell am i watching here I can sell out the Hammersmith Apollo I do big sitcoms I'm at the BAFTAs every year. I'm watching this. He's tired. He's tired. He's a big man.

He's tired. He's a big man. He's tired. He's saving his energy for the BAFTAs, right? I hope so. Yeah. I mean,

I love, I'd say if someone said, could you sum up Lou? I'd play them this task and her trying to come up with what she was going to do at this task because her talking about, she surprises herself with stuff. She says all the time. So what she was going to do with this task because her talking about she surprises herself with stuff she says all the time so saying she's going to put sperm on her little finger surprises her as if she's someone

else listening to it and Lou does that all the time and it's so funny yeah yeah that's yeah whereas I think Joe, I think he kind of says quite good, serious, logical answers to things.

Yes. And he sometimes looks a bit nonplussed by it, like he didn't know where that came from. So I don't know. But Joe will say the things in his own head and then look surprised. So he will be completely silent. Oh, so you think lou's

getting this from like uh the ether oh yeah yeah yeah she's got a gift sean gets two points for her toy guinea pig turned into a real guinea pig with the electric finger i did like when alex said it a change of color she said it's the heat i really that did make me laugh out loud yeah i did laugh don't get me wrong there There were moments I laughed, but the initial, my, I'm being honest on this podcast. Yes,

please. The initial reaction, my animal instinct, watching Sean stroke the guinea pig. And then I just thought, come on, come on. Come on. Lou also gets two points and is very angry to get two points for her theatre piece sea change.

She's not happy about that at all. Well... If it had gone well, if it had gone right and she'd just simply rolled the bowling ball down the thing and it had gone in the bowl, do you think she would have got more points or less points? Mate, yeah, yeah yeah because she could have maybe defended it yeah but it was it was crap like this was a this was a this was it wasn't very good and that's why i like paul yeah and that's why i like i Yeah. Because although maybe visually not exciting, watching a millionaire give a mind charity £8 a month and, you know, getting excited because it's tax-free, I like that stuff. And then he karate chops a shortbread.

So just in case. Yeah. He's always carrying shortbread, right? Yeah. That's part of the contract when you're Scottish. Yeah. He's always carrying shortbread, right? Yeah. That's part of the contract when you're Scottish. Yeah. He's always got a...

Yeah. Have you ever bought jeans in Scotland? There's a little pocket for shortbread. Podcasts are like... You know, podcasts, they can't be heard outside England, right? No, no, no, no. Unfortunately not. There's, yeah, the internet stops at Hadrian's Wall.

Yes. Do the most powerful thing with your little finger. OK, what's powerful? Dance. I kind of want some electricity out of it. Creating life. I could take some spray

just open the door with my little finger wow does that count Does that count? No. The live task. More green eggs. Do not release a green egg. Each team will be asked a question in turn. If you pull the string with the correct answer,

you will not release a green egg. A different member of your team must answer each time. You must pull a string within 30 seconds. The team that doesn't release a green egg wins. Very good. I love this because you could get the question wrong and still not release the green egg and then you think back about the correct answer of the previous question very clever quiz well no i agree with you it was clever because i clocked it and went all right so it doesn't really matter if the answer is right or not

but i don't think that was in the creation of the game. I think that came out of, okay. Cause if you I'm interested by this game. Yeah. Because if you watch it, when Ian pulls down the number two, the number two falls off and Alex kind of is like, okay, be gentle with it. Yeah. Uh, everyone kind of gets the answers weirdly correct because in a way it doesn't matter. Yeah.

Greg says at one point, I'm finding this quite tedious. And of course, when the egg is found, Alex has to go over and actually give it a firmer tug because the egg is a bit too big yeah i think this was a moment where i think alex is thinking this could be the end of taskmaster because it's going well but it's not greg's losing faith the egg doesn't fall out yeah these people are going too hard pulling the numbers. They're answering the questions quickly and clever, like we were saying at the beginning of the pod. Joe is on it and Paul's on it as well.

Fascinating. Absolutely fascinating. But that's inside baseball. That's inside baseball. Sometimes, but I don't think Alex minds that sometimes studio tasks go very quickly and sometimes they take ages and sometimes they completely collapse yeah there was yeah there was one of my series where like there was a whole row of things set up yeah and i think it was how loud what's louder decibel meter one yeah decibel meter um i think that there was about six rounds laid out and we did it in two. Yeah, it's always funny.

It was funny. Yeah. It was funny because, you know, everyone in that room is going, well, that's the game done. Yeah, complete waste of time setting up all of that. They spent ages coming up with all the different things. I think you did them anyway in the end, didn't you?

You listened to the noises and went through them. Just so the production crew hadn't wasted their day. Yeah, just so the set designer could be like, I'm validated. Maybe it's in his contract, like, if I build something, you use it. Yeah, you have to

use it, otherwise I'm walking. Lou and Ian and Paul found the green egg, meaning they get nought points uh and Sian and Joe did not find it five points for them the final scores very good episode for Joe there's 24 points beating Lou and Paul uh by 11 points uh they were on 13 Sian on 11 bad episode for Ian 10 points meaning Lou still out in front in the series with 120 points. Where she has been throughout, really, it's been Lou's series, this. She charges ahead and pretty much holds on to it, which is great.

Less tension in who's going to win. Yeah, you kind of... What, are you saying? Look, it's clearly Lou. Yes, I mean, it's sort of always Lou throughout, really. Right. Yeah. Yeah, well, again, I can talk about this now.

Yeah. My series. Yes. Sarah and Dara were neck and neck. Yeah. For a lot of it. If you look at the kind of all-time scores, Dara, I believe, is number one. I think so.

Sarah's in top five. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a very high-scoring series. What a year for me to do it. I mean, I know I'm not top 20, 30, whatever. But then you've got to look at you know I hate to everyone's going to accuse me of saying this because I'm annoyed that I'm slipping down the table

I know what you were going to say maybe Greg was scoring higher in that series he's definitely scored higher in the last few series so if you had been on a previous series John and Greg was in a less generous mood you might have done even worse well Taskmaster is a bit like again inside baseball

for people looking in i'm going to open a little door yeah let's go inside the actor's studio for a second taskmaster now is premier league yes when it started out it was a show that everyone hoped would go well yeah you talk to people that did the early shows it's like footballers from the 80s going how much do they make sorry what 10 episodes on channel 4 now we were helping a mate out in 2015. so yeah greg's gone crazy with the numbers. Yeah. People like yourself might go, God, if I, it's like, again, it's like when footballers go,

Oh, he wouldn't have been able to play 30 years ago. Cause people would have been sliding around. You're kind of going, I'd like it. So correct me if I'm wrong, Ed. Yes.

But you're saying you doubt Dara would have won that many points. No, he would have previous series, but I think he still would have won any other series. But I think he would have done it with less points. Yeah, I agree with you. But I also agree

he definitely would have won any series he's in. Oh yeah, absolutely. He would have won. He would have beat me. Easy, I think. But I did beat him on House of Games night.

So let's not forget that. Was he happy about it? Absolutely not. Oh, no. John, you're, of course, going on your tour all across the country to audiences full of the children of people who make Windows. But I will say that if you are listening and you're not the child of someone who make windows um but i will say that if you if you

are listening and you're not the child of someone who makes windows you'll also enjoy the show correct no matter what uh whoever brought you up uh did for a living yeah uh i don't think that will at all affect your enjoyment of my uh my show yeah and i don't i don't want anyone listening to this if you do go and see john's show and he asks you what your dad did for a and I don't want anyone listening to this, if you do go and see John's show, and he asks you what your dad did for a living, please don't say he made Windows because you've listened to this. Because it'll skew all the figures, won't it?

Yeah. Didn't think about that. Well, neither did they until I said that. I can smell a Taskmaster. I can smell a Taskmaster. I can smell a Taskmaster pod listener.

I'm out of. Yeah. I'll be avoiding. They don't wear shoes. That's what I thought. Your show is called The Varnishing Days. You're doing six days

at the Sci-Ho Theatre starting on the 13th of Feb and then loads of venues across the country right up until June. JohnCernsComedy.co.uk for more information. I think the Sire Theatre run is sold out, is it, John? Ed, everything's sold out,

so there's going to be some more dates in autumn. Excellent, so keep an eye out for that. You're doing your big one at the Bloomsbury? Yeah, and I'm doing that again in the autumn. Lovely, so yeah, keep an eye out for those days. Keep an eye out. Just keep an eye out, folks. You know, it's, uh, look through those daddy windows and keep an eye out for me walking past. I will be, uh, crucially, I do need to stress this. Not for everyone that has enjoyed me on Taskmaster. That is

abundantly clear, but, uh, you know, help, help a boy out. Yeah. You're me on Taskmaster. That is abundantly clear. But, you know, help a boy out, yeah? You're only on Taskmaster once. Help a boy out. John, we always ask our guests on the Taskmaster podcast to rate their experience on the podcast between one and five points in the style of the Taskmaster. Five points. Thank you. There you go.

I loved it. I loved it. I loved it. I loved it as well, mate. Always lovely to speak to you um and you're welcome back on any time um we'll probably we might we might get you at this rate see you next week we might get you back on to talk about a series of nine episode john because then oh mate just send it over comment on some stuff that uh that i did as well send it over send it over. Send it over.

Thank you, John. Bye-bye. There we are. Thank you so much to John for coming on. Absolutely brilliant, as always. Love chatting to John. He's welcome back any time, I think. He makes me laugh so much.

We'll be back next week, of course, with Series 8, Episode 8, with a special guest. And that special guest will be Alex Horne Alex Horne I mean Alex Horne very excited to chat to Alex again to get all of his series 8 hot inside goss, inside baseball

as we call it here go and see John Kearns on tour when there are some tickets available that boy's selling out johnkearnscomedy.co.uk for more details but for now until next week bye bye Every veteran has a story. Whatever your next chapter, get support with health, education, finance, and more at veterans.gc.ca slash services. A message from the Government of Canada.

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