Taskmaster The Podcast - Ep 135. Paul Chowdhry - S9 Ep.6

Episode Date: June 22, 2023

This week Paul Chowdhry (AKA MC PC) returns to the podcast to discuss Series 9 Ep.6 with Ed. As well as lightly touching on TM they chat computer games, Paul's house, Junior Taskmaster and lots more! Watch all of Taskmaster www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmasterStay up to date with all the latest news, merch and podcasts at taskmaster.tv Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's winter, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost almost anything. So no, you can't get snowballs on Uber Eats. But meatballs, mozzarella balls, and arancini balls? Yes, we deliver those. Moose? No. But moose head? Yes. Because that's alcohol, and we deliver that too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, groceries, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy respons podcast. It's Ed Gamble. We're talking about Series 9, Episode 6 today. Another classic episode from the best series. We are very excited to be talking today to Paul Chowdhury. There is a very specific reason we are talking to Paul Chowdhury about this particular episode. I think a lot of you know what that reason is but all will become clear in the interview. Always a joy to talk to Paul. Who knows which way the conversation will go. It's always funny. It's always interesting. It may not be helpful in terms of us talking about Taskmaster but it's going to be a fun chat. This is Taskmaster

Series 9 Episode 6 as discussed maybe by Paul Chowdhury. Welcome back, Paul Chowdhury, to the Taskmaster Podcast. What an honour and a privilege it is to be back on the Taskmaster Podcast, Ed Gamble. Such a pleasure to have you, Paul. And also, because I normally talk about this, we'll have a quick update on where you're recording this from and your background and your house because I always comment on how bare everything is. There's no paintings on the wall.

There's no suggestion that anyone lives there. But there are some bags there now. You've got some Selfridges bags there now. Yeah, I should have removed them. I should have moved them out of the way because that makes me look like I've got a life. Yeah, and you don't like that. You don't like people knowing you've got a life, right?

No. No, I'm very understated. You don't like people knowing you've got a life, right? No. No, I'm very understated. I don't like to boast about things. No, that's true. You're very humble. Keep it humble. But it feels like a bit of a flex having the Selfridges bags in the background,

like you're just showing that you shop in high-end places. Well, not really. I mean, I kind of... What's that next to it? A laptop bag and two... Whereas you, awards, stickers, posters. It's very busy. It's very busy.

It's a very busy room, this. This is my office, which has turned into a dumping ground for my wife. She just puts everything in here. And if you're OCD, there's something at the top of that little cover thing, which is kind of hanging off the edge. Oh, yeah, that's a humidor. It's very disturbing because it's not even on it properly. So it looks like it's about to fall.

Yeah, that is now worrying me. But that doesn't have any cigars in it or anything. It's just an empty humidor. What's a humidor? It's where you keep cigars. It's a cigar box. Oh, is it? Yeah, it keeps the cigars moist.

Is it? In the box, yes. You like them moist, don't you? I like them moist. You can't have a dry cigar, Paul. You've got to keep it moist. I'd imagine you... Do you ever smoke a cigar?

I'd imagine you look great with a cigar. Yeah, I don't smoke. I just saw you smoking a vape there. Yeah, I like a little vape now and again. So you're going back to the dark side? Yeah, well, not quite. I'm just dipping my toe in the dark side. I'll probably remove myself from the dark pool soon.

So you don't... I'd like to see you with a cigar. I think you look great with your mustache. Yeah, I got rid of the beard, but I've kept the mustache. So I've got a very cigar-like mustache, hasn't I? You just said you got rid of the beard. You know you still have a beard, right? I don't have a beard anymore. I'm clean-s'm clean shaven right is that what you look like when you're

clean shaven well no because i'm indian because i just shaved it grew back between the time that we just set this podcast up like homer simpson when he shaves yeah this is this is actually this is my skin here this is actually my skin so i don't know if they can see this and this is just a mustache yeah i'm i just i tried different looks to think what's going to make me more appealing to to women yeah and nothing's worked i've literally tried everything yeah nothing has worked you're very appealing paul and this is a great look for you you're sticking with the big curly moustache sort of like a

like you'd run a circus that's a bit racist mate is it? yeah that's a bit racist I can only think of white circus people so I don't think it is racist and the circus has originated in India yeah

and you stole the idea because you don't get elephants in central London yeah that's all the idea because you don't get elephants in central london yeah that's true actually yet again something that we've stolen um now paul uh we of course are today talking about taskmaster not just your mustache uh and we're talking about series nine episode six now you're here for a very specific reason uh because of course katie wicks could not be in this episode uh and Katie was replaced uh by Catherine Ryan but the next day there was a worry that Katie might still be too

ill uh to record her episode so you were in the studio as a stand-in you weren't ever called upon but I just remember you sort of being backstage just generally uh generally putting out good vibes yeah I was hanging out there and um i was the emergency act waiting to go on back in the day when i used to do the circuit they used to have like the club circuit and the and the bigger clubs that have the standby yeah and were you often the standby sometimes so you get paid for just hanging around never doing a set but as a stand-up you probably want to do the set yeah nothing more frustrating than having a set ready so i had hours of material about being katie wicks four or five hours of stuff i'd written and uh unfortunately she was fine yes and very

unfortunately for you but fortunately for everyone else katie was able to participate in the rest of the series uh but not on this episode on this episode she was of course replaced by katherine ryan uh sticking with the uh tradition uh of replacing katie with a champion whose name also begins with k so they can sit in the same seat it worked out very well um paul how do you think you would have done on the on this lineup do you think say you were participating in the whole series against uh against this lineup how do you think you would have done do you think you would have done well i was thinking about that when i was watching this episode again and um i thought these guys are a bunch of idiots really because i think it's one of the smartest series ever oh then i wouldn't have done that well no

because you've you famously didn't do amazingly on your series of taskmaster do you think you learned some things that you could take in if you were ever called upon to do it again do you think you'd do better but sorry who said who said that like points the points I've watched it as well remember you've seen my series series three series three yeah and you didn't do very well

who said that though well I'm saying it now but you can't how can you say that without any evidence that I didn't do well well I do have evidence because they filmed it all

I might have come last in the whole series but that doesn't mean I didn't do well no that's true it depends how you define well. You were very funny on the series. I think it got you a lot of new fans.

So you certainly did well in that sense. But if we're talking purely from a points perspective and how you did the tasks, I think you did very badly. I didn't get any new fans. I lost fans. So people tuned in to watch you and then they don't like you anymore.

On social media yeah people yeah actually probably was the beginning of my downfall yes and to where you are today

living in an empty room with two Selfridges bags after that I got a fatwa on me like Salman Rushdie off the back of that performance yeah you are

to date the only Taskmaster contestant to ever have a fatwa put on you after the series. I can't go to Iran anymore and do this. And you used to go all the time, didn't you? I used to love going out there, but now that Ayatollah Khomeini saw Taskmaster

Season 3 and said, we've got to put the fatwa on him, it was that bad. Specifically, what moment in your series do you think was the one that initiated the fat what it's hard to know what task yeah uh initiated it maybe it's the bouncy castle i'm not sure maybe it was a castle reference yeah well it's um you know that's why you have to you have to stay in your house now and you won't tell anyone where it is i barely leave this place.

Yeah. This is the prize task on Taskmaster Series 9, Episode 6. It is the thing that if you found it in a field, you'd be most pleased about. Paul, when you heard this prize task category, did anything spring into your mind that you thought, oh, I'd like to, I would have brought this in and that would have got good points? What, the thing I find in a field?

Yeah, that you'd be most pleased about. What would that be for you? Well, back in the day when we were kids, well, you're 20, 30 years younger than me, but in our day, before social media, people would find a bag in the field and it was like a dustbin bag, a black dustbin bag.

Yeah. You don't think, what's in that bag? A body? And then you open it, it was porno mags. Just a whole bag of porno bags? All about a porno mags that people would find. People would dump porno. Because I don't know if they didn't want to,

they either have to bury it in the garden or dispose of it somewhere. It was like getting rid of a body when they'd finished with porn in those days. Can you ever really be finished with porn? I don't know. People would just get rid of them in fear. You'd find them just in a round, you know?

Like in a field. So that would be a good day for you if you found a big bag of porn why did there was no you couldn't delete your browsing history

that was your browsing history yes of course yeah you know what I mean what kind of stuff are you into at the moment standard very very vanilla

sort of stuff I think like ice creams on people and shit yeah yeah exactly yeah ice cream and flakes um what what

yeah why do people leaving leaving big bags of porn so that would be the thing you're most pleased to find in a field i wouldn't say i was pleased to find it but well that's but this is a prize category you know so if if you were on taskmaster and you were doing this prize category you would bring in a big bag of porn would you i probably would have bought a big bag of pornomax readers wives teachmywife.com yeah you can't put a website in a bag though can you paul famously yeah you couldn't in those days now now with ai you could probably put a fake uh are you looking forward to the to the technological change that we're going through we're going through a revolution where you can you where you can basically stay at home

and you can meet someone in the other side of the world. Well, I like that element of it, but we're recording this podcast over Zoom. I think that's a good technological advance. Well, thankfully, there's no connectors on you or me because then you'd make inappropriate moves on me. Oh, so are you imagining a sort of situation where we're wearing some sort of um tech uh body suits body suits and then we

can touch each other over the internet there's no need for that man yeah but that's what that's what you're saying though isn't it no i didn't say that you said touching you said that you want us to be wearing body suits and we can touch each other while we record this podcast. I think if we rewind the podcast, we can't, unfortunately. The technology isn't quite there yet. I find the AI thing quite scary. I think there was a report quite recently saying that AI will probably be the reason

that the human race becomes extinct. I'm looking forward to that. Climate change. Are you? Are you done? Are you all done? I'm done now. Yeah. What more is there to do? What can you possibly...

That's true, but I don't think everyone's done. You know, Paul Chowdhury may be done. You know, you may have... You've done Wembley. You're on the top of your game. But, you know, other people might want to get some stuff done. I've not done Wembley, for example. Yeah, but you don't need to do Wembley.

No? No, you're too big for Wembley. Too big for Wembley. That's a good title for a tour show, actually, that I could do at art centres. Too big for Wembley. Too big for Wembley at the Chorley Little Theatre. I'd enjoy that.

So you'd bring a big bag of porn in, of course, but no one else brought a big bag of porn in. Katie Wick slash Catherine Ryan brought in a phone signal which i thought was i thought was a smart a smart thing if you do need that if you're in a field and you need to get out the field you need to call someone you might want to get an uber to the field i think this is smart and i think it's i think it's scored low and i think it's scored low because katie's not there to sell the prize so katherine's having to get into katie's mindset to sell the prize so Catherine's having to get into Katie's mindset to sell the prize quite a difficult thing to do and then David Baddiel said you need a phone for that yes but I think the phone was

assumed I think David was being picky as he was want to do on that series he was a very a very picky contestant who likes to get into the weeds on everyone else's things. But quite often, David was very bad at Taskmaster. He was the Paul Chowdhury of our series. Well, he's an intellectual. He's an intellectual, but he's not practical, is he? Intellectuals never are practical, are they? Yeah, quite often there's a bit of a disconnect there between how they are intellectually and how they are in practice.

Because he's written some massive books. He has. Little children's books. The God one. He did that. Yeah, the God one. Yeah, look, he's a very clever man. He's written some fantastic books,

but when it came to actually doing things. Although, having said that, he's very good at the prize tasks because he's got time to think of them, and then he can use his massive brain to pick an amazing prize, and he was very good at the prize tasks because he's got time to think of them uh and then he can use his massive brain to pick an amazing prize and he was very good at it and i don't think he often gets a lot of credit for that i think people remember his disastrous tasks at the house uh but what they do forget is the fact that he was good at prize tasks i think he wins more prize tasks than anyone uh in this series and this was another good one i think it was a sign

saying this is the way out of the field i thought that was funny it was clever it was smart it was a joke which is rare to find in a prize task i think it was good did you enjoy that one paul yeah that was good because um comics forget that they are supposed to be funny yes a lot of times on taskmaster they're trying to win the task yes guilty you did that as well yeah yeah i was trying to win yeah sometimes i was funny but only when it went wrong but mainly i was trying i was trying to win and i did win this prize task but i was never trying to be funny on it i was always trying to be serious on it yeah unfortunately the real me was exposed on this show yes well you were trying to be serious, but unfortunately that was very funny.

That's not me trying to be funny, you see. This is the conundrum in my life is me, me is a massive issue and you laughing at that is very offensive. Yes, but also it is your job to make people laugh, so that must be a real problem in your mind where you're trying to be serious, everyone's laughing, but you're technically doing your job, but they're all laughing at your real personality it's caused me a lot of issues in my life yeah sustaining a meaningful relationship yeah if you know what i

mean yeah no i know i know what you mean yeah but so what is it that you you are yourself in a relationship and and the other person finds that laughable but they just think i'm i'm always taking the mick out of them yeah or something like that you know but i think you are a lot of the time paul as well rose brought in a cryptex which is a very rose prize to bring in and i i agree i would like to find this in the field a bit of mystery paul do you enjoy puzzles and things like that yeah i love puzzles i'm a big puzzle man you know i mean yeah like uh getting stuck on them you like getting stuck on them i don't like getting stuck on them but generally get stuck on them for about four or five days yeah do you like board game do you play board games at home do you do things like that

no i was a big early game console man yeah like early early nintendo and you and pre-PlayStation era. ZX Spectrum days. What's your favourite computer game? Street Fighter 2, probably. Yeah? Who do you play as on Street Fighter 2? Don't say Dhalsim. I know you're going to say... I wasn't going to say Dhalsim.

I asked you, you play as. I wasn't going to say Dhalsim. Stop trying to make me out to be racist, Paul. You were setting me up for Dhalsim there. I wasn't setting you up for Dalsim. I was going to say Ken and you were going to go, didn't you want to play the Indian character? Because I knew you were going there.

I wasn't going there. I can pre-empt you your material. I simply asked you the question, who do you play as? And did he answer Ken? Do you play as Ken? See, now you've changed it. No, I don't changed it. You've done this to me.

Stop trying to make, stop trying to get me cancelled, Paul. You're going to go say to me, yoga flame, yoga fire. I wasn't going to. I don't even know what that is. You do that's Dalsim's moves. How dare you? Who did you play as on Street Fighter 2?

Dalsim. Right. Good. Thanks for answering the question um i loved yeah the cryptex is great i'd be excited to to find that in the field it is as rose says it feels like the start of an adventure um have you ever done an escape room paul an escape room yeah i've what i have this room now no do you know what an escape room is? Yeah, it's when you leave a room. No, it's not. Or when somebody that you're going on a date with comes to your house and they, like, want to leave the room and they say, can I?

That's normally what it is, yeah? No, it's not a lady bailing on you because she regrets what she's done. There's certain places that you can go and there's clues on how to get out the room and they're often themed and you have to solve puzzles to get out the room and often you'll find a cryptex in there, which is what Rose brought. So you've never done one of those things?

No, I don't really do escape rooms. No. I'd love to do an escape room with you. Can we make that happen? We should do another podcast, escape room. Yeah, that would be good. Just me and you doing different escape rooms. Yeah, that would be good. Just me and you doing different escape rooms.

Yeah, I'd love that. I mean, I'd imagine one of us would end up there within five minutes. You're very similar to the guy I did another podcast with, Off Menu. Yeah, that's me as well, that one. That's you as well? Yeah, yeah. And you've done my radio show as well on Radio X. You remind me of these other three other white guys.

Yeah. That's all you. Yeah, that's all me, yeah. You're Radio X. You're the taskmaster and you're James Acaster. No, I'm not James Acaster. I'm the other one on off menu. You're everywhere, this guy.

Yeah, I'm everywhere. I work hard. I work smart. You get a lot of work. I make a lot of the work myself to be fair Paul that's one of the keys So you're not giving any credit to your agent?

No, never He's your agent as well he's busy enough He's busy enough I'm stuck in this room trying to escape Joe Brown brought in a shopping trolley

with a built in seat Now this is a very Joe prize task a way of sitting down, which was her tactic for a lot of Taskmaster, was if she could find a way of doing it with the least amount of energy expended, she would, and it was a joy to watch. Do you ever foresee yourself being like that, Paul? Would you like a shopping trolley with a built-in seat?

Yeah, I mean, we had them when we were kids, remember? Your parents would put you on the shopping trolley with the seat at the front. Yes. I don't think it's quite like that, though. Did you like, when you were a kid, did you like riding up front in the trolley? Oh, yeah, yeah. Those were the days, innit? Yeah. Those were the days. Yeah, it never got better from there, did it? Now you couldn't even get in the actual shopping trolley as a seat.

I'm not saying you're a big man, but... No, that's true. I mean, I don't think many adults could get in one of those seats in the shopping trolleys. But now you see, like, TikTok videos and Instagram where people get in the actual trolley and someone pushes them all the way down the hill to see how long they're lasting.

I've never seen that. Your algorithms are different to mine. That's true. What am I getting, do you think? Probably more kind of bikini and all that kind of stuff. Bikini? Bikini, OnlyFans girls and stuff like that. I can imagine your algorithm as just being women on your discovery page.

Paul, now the way you said that and so quickly and specifically, that suggests to me that that is very much what you get on your discovery page. Paul, now the way you said that and so quickly and specifically, that suggests to me that that is very much what you get on your discovery page. I block all that stuff. You block it, do you? It's pure halal on my discovery page. Okay. Pure halal and yours,

just people being pushed down a hill in shopping trolleys. Even though I'm not Muslim. It's pure kosher. Yeah. Just saying that for David. Yes, thank you. So I brought in a dead body but it was actually a mannequin with mini eggs in the chest what did you think of this one paul uh it was a

disturbing one wasn't it well i think my idea behind it was that oh god wouldn't it be awful to find a body and then so you're feeling horrible and then you look and realize it's not a body so you get that relief and then the added bonus of finding mini eggs in the chest yeah is that is that disturbing what disturbs you about that well you wouldn't want to eat the mini eggs would you not no not if i found it in the field would you be worried about what where the mini eggs had been yeah it's kind of like a CBBC version of Jeffrey Dahmer, isn't it? Yeah, I suppose so. But I mean, you know, back in the day when we recorded this, Jeffrey Dahmer was less of a sort of pop culture figure than he is now.

Well, he committed those crimes in the 70s and 80s. Yeah, but they'd not done that TV show. I think Jeffrey Dahmer's more in the public consciousness now because of the TV show. But i was very proud of this one i i don't think prize tasks weren't necessarily my strength but i was very very happy with this one i think a good reaction in the room and i was very proud of it and i love mini eggs they're probably my dream dream chocolate really paul you can't go wrong with a mini egg you see because you don't feel bad when you're eating them do you because they're so small yeah but how many would you eat in a sitting of mini eggs 155

and you don't feel bad because they're so small exactly it feels like you're eating 155 of them what but what um with your diabetes condition diabetes yeah that, yeah. That you made up to get material. I didn't make it up. I'm type 1 diabetic. That's real, Paul. Are you sure? Yeah, very sure. Because you don't look like a type 1 diabetic.

Yeah, but what does that mean? It means you don't look like a type 1 diabetic. But what does a type 1 diabetic look like? Like, not like you. But I am type 1 diabetic, so I do look like a type 1 diabetic. Who told you this? Did your agent say, let's come up with this condition? No, a doctor told me when I was 13.

Your agent is a doctor? No, not my agent. No, a doctor. You were massive when you were 13, weren't you? I was a big boy, yeah. How did you get so many women? Well, I didn't. Why do you keep saying this about me?

You did. You're known as a sex symbol. I've been known, not known as a sex symbol. I've been with my wife for 12, 13 years. And before that, I didn't really have any girlfriends. And how did you get your wife? Well, I was just honest and charming and nice. You said diabetes.

Well, I did. Yeah, I told her that. That wasn't the opening line. What condition does she have? IBS. Irritable bowel syndrome? Yes. You must have some good times, you two. It's pretty sexy, Hal.

Can you send me some videos? No. Why? I'd imagine you get a lot of that on your Instagram discovery page anyway. Not IBS diabetes videos. It's a certain kink there, isn't it? It's diabetes. It's not diabetes, by the way. You keep saying diabetes. Indian people pronounce it diabetes.

Okay, sorry for being culturally insensitive. You've done it. First the Street Fighter 2 Dowsing, now this. Yeah, yeah, I know. Awful, awful. I'll get my own Netflix special soon. So it was five points for me, four points for Joe,

three points for David, two points for Rose, one point for Katie slash Catherine. I would be most pleased about finding in the middle of a field is a cryptex. I genuinely don't know what you're talking about. So a cryptex is something that you have to open it. So there's something inside that.

You need to know a certain code. The most depressing aspect of me buying this, I've got to say, is that as a single lady, this is usually bought for engagements, wedding proposals. And so the default code that I don't know how to change is, I love you. And... But how amazing would it be if in the middle of a field

you found a cryptex? Oh, my God, an adventure is beginning. You OK? I'm all right. I don't know. Oh, hey, no, Gregor Greg, where's your sense of adventure? I think my sadness is more about how old I am, because I can see how excited you are about finding your cryptex in the field. No, it's not a new thing. This is like from the Da Vinci Code.

Yeah, 2003. Yeah. Read something online that really hits a nerve? It could be disinformation, specifically targeted for that exact reason. Stop and question the source before you share. Learn more at Canada.ca slash disinformation. A message from the Government of Canada. Task one, make a part of your body look abnormally long.

Most realistic and abnormally extended body part wins. You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now. Would you have enjoyed this task, Paul? Yeah, this was a lot. I would love this task. I wouldn't even have to make it up. So now would you have enjoyed this task paul yeah this was a lot i would love this task i wouldn't even have to make it up so what would you do penis isn't it yeah but it's to make a part of your body look abnormally long so you saying your penis is so long you would have just exposed your penis and everyone would have assumed that you'd made it abnormally long i would have put it through the caravan window and had it come out the other end

so when alex comes in he was like oh what's your why are you like sorry mate you just walked in on me but are you saying that you would have used your your penis is so long that you would have used your real penis i would have just used my real penis yeah but then that then you weren't you wouldn't have been doing the task though so you wouldn't have got any points because you just added a bow to it or something i don't know but that's not making a part of your body look abnormally long is it that's putting a bow on your penis you haven't seen my penis no No, absolutely not, Paul. But what you're saying is you would not have extended a part of your body. You would have used the part of your body that already exists.

Okay, I would have shortened it for you then. No, but that's not what the task is. It's make it look abnormally long. Oh, I would have added a centimeter to it just to make it look, just, you know. To do the task, yeah. To do the task. At least I would have won the task. Yeah, I think you would have won the task if you'd done that, to be honest, or fired

from the show. Well, firstly, no, because David Baddiel is Jewish, so he's been circumcised. What's that got to do with it? Short a penis. Yeah, but he's not done that on the show, has he? I'm circumcised as well. How come? I didn't know you were Jewish. I'm not. I got circumcised when I

was 23. What for? Well, because my foreskin was too tight. So your dick was so big that you... No, I didn't say that my dick... You're trying to make out you've got a big dick. Why would you even insinuate something so disgusting? Paul, you've just insinuated that you have a big penis. I didn't.

I'm not saying my penis is so big that I have to have a circumcision. My foreskin was too tight. It's more widespread an issue than you'd think so i had to go and have a circumcision when i was age 23 what was that like well it was quite painful and it was quite a awkward recovery process and what's it like now these days it's fine so that's the thing like i like to drive a car as a convertible yeah and there's sometimes like the top up and the top down yeah i don't want to be driving around in a convertible in the winter and it starts raining what you so you suggested my penis is cold all of the time well you've got no you know you've got a soft top yeah but i've got trousers on i would put

trousers and pants on because the pants is touching the penis, isn't it? The pants is touching the penis, yeah. You know what I mean? So like when it's raining, the penis is getting... So when I'm driving around in a convertible... Hang on, when it's raining, what? I finished that thought. What are you saying?

I'm trying to keep this like more family friendly because I know this is a family podcast. Right. But okay, now imagine you've got a convertible car and you've bought a convertible car and you've bought a convertible car because you like to have the top down sometimes. Imagine if the top of the car is absolutely rooted and won't move.

Yeah. What would you do then? What, that I couldn't get the top down? Yeah. Let's get my penis out. Right. In terms of, you've been on this podcast before before quite often we don't talk about the the episode very often but i think this is a record for us because we're going to have to whip through

what's happening in the episode because you keep talking about your penis all right well you asked me how i do this task so let's uh well we know how you do it now david makes a big forehead that doesn't look like a forehead he uses paper he draws some wrinkles on it it's absolutely awful did you think that he was it was correct that he got one point yeah yeah rubbish um katie i thought this was this was brilliant i thought katie's tongue abnormally long tongue yeah had a cinematic feel to it there was a proper story the way the tongue grabbed the lolly and took it all the way into the lab and into katie's mouth and then the way the lolly goes into the mouth is also very satisfying i love this one paul i thought

it deserved more points that might have made her real what that might have made her real that might have made it real her ill her ill oh right because she got ill in that series do you think that's what it was that was probably something to do with the exposing of the tongue yeah and the germs getting on their tongue slithering it all over the floor and then and then and then she got some kind of infection yes i mean i guess it didn't look realistic which was one of the things that you had to do in the task but uh i thought i thought she did a good job and i don't really think any of them looked realistic. So I don't think you can judge it on that.

Rose made her legs look abnormally long by sitting in the caravan. That was good. Yeah, that was sort of what you were saying that you do with your penis, I guess. Yeah. Same sort of technique. Yeah, yeah, the leg technique.

But Rose has got long legs, hasn't she? She does have long legs, but not that long, I think, is the point. I don't think she wouldn't have to hang them out. Well, she's a Kiwi, isn't it? You're saying because she's a Kiwi, she's a lot smaller than us, like a, what was it, one of those, where did they shoot that film in New Zealand? Yeah, I want you to finish this thought.

I'm not going to tell you. I know what you're saying, but I want you to, if you can come up with a name of one of the small people from new zealand from lord of the rings yeah what are they called gnomes no it's not gnomes it's hobbits i think it's a hobby yeah yeah she's a hobby in real life she's not a hobbit no she's quite tall rose is it yeah she's doing very well in her career now off the taskmaster she's brilliant it's not just off taskmaster she's quite tall, Rose. Is it? Yeah. She's doing very well in her career now, off the bat, Taskmaster. She's brilliant.

It's not just off Taskmaster. She's a multi-talented lady. Is it? You know, she's hosting the Junior Taskmaster, Paul. Did you hear about this? Yeah, I heard about this, yeah. I've not been asked to be on it. No, well, you won't be asked to be on it

because it's children, but were you disappointed not to be asked to be the host of Junior Taskmaster? Yeah, yeah. I should have been. Who's the male host on it? Mike Wozniak. Is it?

Yeah. How did he get that gig over me? What do you think maybe cost you the job on Junior Taskmaster? How do you think you would have been as a host of Junior Taskmaster? You know, I need to be the host of something yes well I agree with that at the moment I'm just the host of my own podcast yeah which is a great it's a great podcast is it yeah I love it you hear it yeah I listen is it yeah I listened to a good one with Doug Stanhope recently oh thanks man you've been on it I've been on it absolutely that was a classic one of my favorite episodes of all

time actually your one was it really yeah it's one of my favorites and i when people want to hear it that's the episode i send them well thank you very much that's very nice of you um but i don't i don't think you necessarily should be the host of junior taskmaster because i think you'd probably scare some of the children with your rude rude things well i don't think so because um there's talks that I could be the next host of This Morning. Oh, is there? Right, interesting.

Who have you been talking to about that? Philip Schofield. Right, okay. I don't think he's in charge of booking who the replacement is. I think he's sort of persona non grata now at ITV. He said he could put a good word in for me. Yeah, but I don't think they trust his word anymore, Paul.

Well, hopefully they do. Now, Rose did her legs very long i also did my legs very long but as soon as i saw what she'd done i was like well that's it she's beat me easy because i was so proud of mine when i did it i thought this is an absolute i've knocked this out the park i spent ages trying to get it right because obviously you have your spare clothes, spare outfit. I was pushing the trouser leg through the trouser leg, stuffing it with newspaper, trying for ages to get it done.

I was so happy with it. And then when I actually saw it back, I thought it looked rubbish, Paul. I thought it was really good. Oh, thanks mate. I thought I,

to be honest with you, I thought you were given quite a hard time on that show. Did you? Yeah. What generally? Yeah. I thought there were, I thought there were given quite a hard time on that show. Did you? Yeah. What, generally? Yeah, I thought there was institutional bullying going on there. Right. I did win, though, you know.

Yeah, I know. But, you know, they know you're a clever bastard, isn't it? Right, thank you. You know, you're a good-looking guy. You're clever. You're like a sex symbol. You've got too much going for you. Yeah, so you think they – because they know that I like a sex symbol you've got too much going for you yeah so you think

they because they they know that i'm a sex symbol yeah and i get a lot of women that they yeah they desperately tried to make me lose they were i think you were like the andrew tate of the series right i see and that's the first time i've been compared to andrew tate i'll be honest joe wins the task though we're gonna have to have to get through these, Paul. We're only on task one. By making her monobrow look abnormally long. I absolutely love this. It's grotesque. It's almost sort of Roald Dahl, Quentin Blake style stuff. And I love the smile at the end when the camera finally reaches her.

Did you enjoy this one? I found it quite offensive, actually. You found it offensive? Why did you find it offensive? It really triggered me. Why did it trigger you? Because I had big eyebrows and I still have got big eyebrows, but when I was younger, people would make fun of my eyebrows.

Oh, no. It brought back all the emotions of big eyebrows. Do you pluck your eyebrows, Paul? Not really, just a little bit in the middle, just maybe clean them up on the sides of you. No, I don't touch my eyebrows. Mine are quite big, they they tend to behave themselves I mean your facial structure is like almost a perfect face isn't it thank you for saying that

I don't think so but I'm glad you think so I saw your poster I just did the Leicester Square Theatre and the biggest poster in the foyer was uh was yours and I was thinking hey you look like a male model well thank you very much I don't know how you do it. Well, it's just what I look like. You're a lucky bastard, man. But you're a very handsome man, Paul. I don't get any women. Paul, that's just simply not true. And a lot of that, if it is true, is because you don't

leave that room. Well, it would help if they came here. Yeah, exactly. I think you're asking too much. Anyway, it was five points for Joe Brand, four points for Rosemar Tafayo, three points for me, Ed Gamble, three points for Katie Wicks and one point for David Baddiel. Make a part of your body look abnormally long. Most realistic and abnormally extended body part wins.

You have 20 minutes. Your time starts now. I'm just going to say the words, my cock, and then move on. Task two, push a melon up the slide and into the caravan with these breadsticks. Only breadsticks may touch the melon at any point. You may not adjust the slide. And there's a bonus point for the fewest breadsticks used. Paul, your Taskmaster history involves a lot of melon, if I remember correctly.

You had to bring in the heaviest thing. Oh, yeah. And you brought in a load of melon. Yeah, I remember that. Yeah, so maybe this is a little reference to you, a little nod to you. It may have been, you know, that this task could have inspired it. Yes. and the whole point the the weight thing about the

melon had never really been discussed before it no that it is heavy very heavy they are very heavy and difficult as we found out to push up a slide with a with a breadstick even what one breadstick immediately crumbled you had to use multiple breadsticks i was the only one to get points in this paul everyone else was disqualified for touching the melon do you think that was fair well you did it in 15 breadsticks yes i did it in 14 and a half breadsticks yeah and you counted that as a half you said it's not 15 remember yeah okay look that discussion was a lot longer in the studio i would say if you get a half of something you can't say it's the thing i think in all walks of life if you get if if someone said i've got one breadstick left you want the breadstick and then they snapped it in half and gave you half they've not given you the breadstick there they've given you half a breadstick and it

should be counted as such yeah but nobody would give you half a bread once someone touches a breadstick i wouldn't take that breadstick if they snapped it because they've touched the other half. What if you loved them? Then I'd stop loving them. What if you're on a date with someone and they snapped a breadstick in half and gave you half? That's quite a sweet thing to do.

Would you eat the breadstick? I'd only take it if they cut it up in half with a knife and fork. Would you? Especially if they got the tube. They got the tube and then they walked in and then they snapped a breadstick and that tube hand and touched it and all the pollution.

Yeah. You're asking for trouble. You're asking for infections. Yeah. Do you think anyone has ever got an infection after eating half a breadstick that someone's just snapped in half and they've just been on the tube?

K2 Wix. That's what's wrong with it now, is it? Yeah. That would what's wrong with her now, is it? Yeah. That was a ton of you. Well, I was very proud that I got five points, but watching it back, I think I touched that melon, Paul. You didn't touch it.

I think, looking back at it, I think I might have touched that melon. I don't think I deserve those points. I thought you cheated on that. I didn't cheat, but I just let it happen but i i'm worried that i touched the melon you probably touched the melon then but you love touching a melon in it famously you're known to touch melons melons are very satisfying to touch oh

always and they sound hollow as well when you hit them some of them yeah depends on the size of the melon and you can get square watermelons now of course yeah yeah i don't discriminate yeah good boy this was a very hard task though as evidenced by uh by the way everyone did it i mean i thought it was a good idea to that they tried to tape things and use glue, but then of course the tape and the glue is touching the melon. Rose has a typical Matafeo breakdown. Yeah, laughing. Laughing like the Joker in Batman.

Yeah, exactly. It was a laugh, but it was a laugh from a deep place of worry, I think. From hell. From hell. It was a laugh from hell. And I liked what Joe did with the glue, but it was just messy in the end. i like i liked what joe did with the glue but

it was just messy in the end and badil obviously just smashes it up do you think you would have been able to remain calm in this in this task this is even watching that task was giving you anxiety just thinking yeah how would you this is this is a problematic task yeah i don't think there was a way of doing it well frankly it's not that there's not some special hack to this task as there are in some tasks like you need to just get as many breadsticks as cut is covering your hands and push the melon and as i did but like i say i think i might have touched that melon and i probably don't deserve the points how didn't it not catch you on the camera i don't know but i don't remember touching the melon so maybe i didn't it not catch you on the camera? I don't know, but I don't remember touching the melon. So maybe I didn't.

Maybe I'm punishing myself for no reason. Then Joe put the gloves on. Joe put the gloves on and covered them in glue. And nothing else could touch the melon. So it was only breadsticks. But when it rolled off, that was devastating. When it rolls off the slide and you know you have to get a melon back onto the slide using breadsticks,

that is a tricky situation and it cost david dearly yeah nought nought points as as did the others apart from katie because katie got one point for using only six breadsticks but i would argue paul that frankly she's not completed the task which means she's not eligible for a bonus yeah because you could just not do the task and not pick up any breadsticks are you saying you deserve the bonus point there for using no breadsticks no you need to complete the task and then you're eligible for the bonus point how do you feel about that yeah i agree with you on that one thank you paul you're a good man i knew you would i definitely agree on that one it was not it was not points for everyone but it was five points for me although i am worried that i did not deserve those points but 20s when was

this series 2019 yeah 2019 i think yeah yeah you could get 2018 yeah there could be historical charges against you now do you think they could go back and take my points away well they've done that to other celebrities. In Taskmaster? No, just for other crimes against... It's not a crime, though, is it, Paul? Well, it's a game show. It's fraud. Right, OK. What I basically want to do is have a coating of breadsticks

on my hands with superglue, but then that's not really going to be a good idea for my future. Can I have some gaffer tape and some rubber gloves please yes too sweet i'm on my way now we're going with some glue thank I don't like this coat anyway. OK, I can do this. Eugh! Eugh! Ta-da! hello that's got me close all breadstick was it all breadstick baby

task three serenade yourself you have 20 minutes to perform and receive your serenade most sensational self serenade wins this is one of my

favourite tasks I think everyone does something interesting and fun here. Did you enjoy this one, Paul? Yeah, I love this one. How would you have serenaded yourself? Because I don't think I've ever heard you sing. People did a rap.

Your song was incredible. Thank you. You got a massive reaction for that because I know you've been into rock for years. Yes. I know you're a big rocker yourself, known about your musical taste. Okay.

I did find the female character that you did, kind of fanning herself, quite offensive. Why? Because you were making her so hot. Oh, so you found it offensive as in you found me sort of performing in that feminine way quite erotic? Sexist. Sexist or sexy?

Sexist. Right. Well, it was supposed to be me. I was doing like a version of myself. So can you be sexist about yourself? Yeah. You can. Yeah.

But you didn't really... You wore a long wig in it? yeah you can yeah but you you didn't really you wore a long wig in it no I didn't have a wig on I just had like a headband thing on headband yeah I was pushing my hair back yeah

I thought I looked nice I quite liked that little sort of version of myself I didn't know you were into dressing up as a woman well I'm not really into it I have done

I have done a TV show before where i got in full drag and that was quite an experience they those drag queens really do put themselves through a lot in terms of uh in terms of their outfits that's you know i had a very painful wig on a lot of pins holding the wig there i'll say that i was very happy with this song uh that day i was ill i was in a bad mood and that was the last task we did of that day and i thought we were done and then they said now you've got to write this song you can sort of see it on my face where i say oh i've just got to write a song now if i proper little stroppy boy but once

i found the music that i was going to use uh and i decided on the lyrics i was very happy and i i think that's one of my proudest tasks on Taskmaster. I was very, very happy with that. Yeah. And look, everyone did a great job. Jo's rap was fantastic. And she had all the terminology. Yeah. From her daughter. And I met her daughter.

Yeah. I met her and her daughter backstage. Yes, at the studio. She was around now and again. I thought, yeah, Jo's rap was fantastic. and I think has birthed one of the great gifts of Taskmaster, which is Joe leaning out of the window and saying, I'm moist. Yeah, and talking about the menopause.

Yes. Good joke. It was good stuff from Joe. Very, very good. Rose also got five points for singing a great song. I mean, using the guitar as well, very talented. And talking about meeting her true love herself in a suburban garden centre.

And the lovely moment at the end when she throws the rose and it in slow motion floats up to the window. Yeah, that was good. Those were all the five-point ones. Katie, again, not there to defend her song. Because I thought it was very funny having the rose in her mouth the whole time. And I don't think Greg gave that enough credit

as it was clearly a joke. And the idea was that you couldn't hear what she was saying. I think Greg saw that as a downfall rather than what I thought it was, was just quite an inventive, fun thing to do. Exactly. David, now this is interesting this one because when it was played in the studio um they didn't even put the two davids in they just showed

david singing a bit of his song then running up the stairs then running all the way back down again singing some more and running up again because i think david david was never aware having not really seen the show before about you could ask production to do certain things and you could ask for music. So David thought you just had to do it as is and he scribbled down the song very quickly and then delivered it. He didn't really put his heart into it.

So when it was played in the studio, his was the only one where he was running up and down. They didn't use any editing because he said he didn't want any editing extra. then i think they must have got into the edit and thought that looks a bit mean it looks like we're deliberately making david look worse so yeah they changed it a bit but he still is the worst one here is that fair paul well yeah and he's the man who wrote a number one selling song as he explained four number ones with the same song with the same song it didn't quite have the hit making potential of uh four lines no but he um

three lines jesus with with two lines yeah he yeah he he said um he never thought about the lyrics too much there either no but i think sometimes when you get a hit you get a hit you know so would you have sung something paul yeah would you have you got a nice voice yeah oh yeah i'm one of the best in the country yeah i've never heard you sing how come i don't know when when have you sung i don't i just know i can i just know i can sing so you know that you're one of the best in the country i know i'm one one of the best, but I've never done it. Right. Interesting. Could you sing for us a bit now?

Could you debut your voice in the public sphere now for us? Yeah. Okay. What are you going to sing for us? We haven't written anything yet. Okay, but... Because obviously I can't just sing something because due to PRS, we'd have to pay for copyright on that. Well, could you make up a song?

I'd have to freestyle something, but I wouldn't want to, you know, I wouldn't want to lead the audience down the wrong path. Is that what you do then though? Would you do like a song or would you do like, I mean, Joe did a rap. There's other ways of doing it. Would you do a little rap maybe?

Well, I've done freestyle raps booth are you done fire in the booth yeah i didn't know you'd done fire yeah it's on youtube is it yeah mcpc mcpc fire in the booth what did you talk about in fire in the booth oh i just did some freestyle raps i just um did three freestyles and charlie sloth them kind of like uh reviewed it is that true if i get that up now is it true yeah 100 okay i'm gonna look it up now hang on like i could just freestyle so they call me paul charry they say i get rowdy they say i grew a bit because i wanted to move over to saudi you know that kind of stuff i could just make things up i'm a freestyle rapper that's really good now did you make that up now or had you had you done that one before this was top of that's off the top of my peripheral that's the right i'm gonna look at hang on right mc is it's mcpc is it yeah yeah

okay i'm gonna go on youtube now paul if i can't find this i'm gonna be absolutely livid because i want to watch it now okay here we go mcpc fire at the booth it's real isn't it right brilliant yeah that's real full version yeah bbc asian network it's on their it's on their official channel i've got the uncut version on my channel let's get through the rest of this podcast because i've got something i want to watch after okay um now i thought yes joe's was good yes roses was good i'm going to be a little bit arrogant here paul and i'm going to say that i think i deserve the five points going on the studio reaction alone and i don't think i think greg was being overly kind giving them both five points i think it should have been five points for me and me alone. I think Greg had an issue with you. I'm not sure what.

But he did not like you. Greg did not like you. That's interesting because I think some people have said that Greg does like me and that's, you know, that I got a little bit of special treatment. Privately he said to me stuff before. Right. And I've always defended you, man.

Yeah, you've always got my back and I appreciate that, Paul. You know, the amount of stuff that's being said about you. Yeah. And I always stand up for you. You do, and I always appreciate that. I've met three different versions of Ed Gamble. I met the one on Off Menu, the one in Radio X, and the one on this podcast.

Yeah. And all three of them was fine. Fine, yeah, thank you. And all three of them was fine. Fine, yeah, thank you. There's no smeller sweeter as my little chickatita. I'm hoping that it's okay if I order a bouquet. Stop it. Well, you're acting rather thorny and it's getting me quite horny.

I'm blushing. Come on, baby, light my fire. I promise not to fertilise ya. Well, I can't believe I met ya in this suburban garden centre. To love oneself is taboo, but as a matter of fail i love you bravo so let's talk about the live task slider drink to the taskmaster the worst slider each

round must leave the bar the last person at the bar wins this did not go well for me paul i was out in the first round yeah that was a shame i felt bad for you on that episode but i thought um and that task because i thought greg was hard on you there yeah well no it wasn't greg it was just you know he he didn't really judge it it was just how far we got the bar the glass bar and i didn't i didn't get it down to the end and everyone else did you know you still drink i still drink yeah i'm surprised i'm surprised you didn't get that task right yeah but drinking doesn't mean that you're good at sliding things you know very rarely if you're in a pub do you get the opportunity to slide a drink down a bar like you're in a western

saloon but back in the old days you probably slid across the bar yeah i probably could do that yeah people probably lubed you up and then you know the kind of thing you don't really drink you don't really drink do you i don't drink i haven't drunk for years no so but do you imagine that people in pubs are lubing themselves up and sliding down the bar yeah yeah that doesn't happen and when you start mud fights with women and stuff remember no i don't remember that are you saying i had mud fights with women yeah and pubs and stuff in in the bouncy castles and little swimming pools you know the paddling pools yes you're talking about mud wrestling mud wrestling that used to happen maybe in america in the 70s now and again yeah you used to do that

i didn't used to do that i've never done that no all right um i was out in the first round here though joe went out in the second round rose went out in the third round here, though. Joe went out in the second round. Rose went out in the third round. David, holding on very well there. Something that I didn't expect him to be good at was out in the fourth round. And Catherine Ryan, cool as you like, picked up the five points for Katie and won the live task, meaning that I won the episode.

Yep, you won. But not as emphatically as I should have done with 19 points. Joe got 16 points in second place. Rose on 14 points. And Katie Wicks, as I should have done, with 19 points. Joe got 16 points in second place. Rose on 14 points. And Katie Wicks, as represented by Catherine Ryan, got 13 points, fourth place. David, coming bottom, as he normally does,

with 10 points. Paul, it has been a joy to have you back on the Taskmaster podcast. As always, we didn't really talk about the episode in too much detail, which will annoy some people and delight some people. Would you please rate your experience on this episode of the Taskmaster podcast between one and five points

in the style of the Taskmaster, please, Paul? One. Oh, just one? Why is it one this time? It's really good. I thought it was really good. No, Paul, so one is the lowest. So remember Taskmaster, when he was giving out points,

five would be the best and one would be the worst. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two. Two. five would be the best and one would be the worst. Oh, sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Two. Two. Why is it only two? Well, for the episode. Yeah.

It had its ups and downs. Okay. Yeah, I suppose that's right. And the way you were treated. No, you are rating your experience on the podcast today. Oh, on this podcast? Yeah. Oh, one.

Why is it only one? It's just uh you know i haven't been able to get into stuff you know what do you mean and and really explain the psychological torment behind the tasks yeah well i think that was your fault i think i think you were you could have done that i've given you plenty of opportunity to do that and then you just talked about having a massive dick and hanging out i would know no that was how I would have done the task. Yeah, I remember. Paul, thank you so much for coming back on the Taskmaster podcast. It is always very interesting.

What an honour and a privilege it has been. Thank you, Paul. Thank you so much to Paul for coming on the show. Very excited to have Paul back on. I mean, goodness, we got into some depths there.

I think some of it might be an edited out. I'll tell you that much. Paul does not hold himself back when talking. We will be back next week to discuss series nine, episode seven, getting closer towards the end of that series and our historical dive back in time in Taskmaster. But for now,

thank you to Paul. Thank you to you for listening. I've been Ed Gamble. Bye-bye. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer.

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