Taskmaster The Podcast - Ep 137. Paul Williams - S9 Ep.8

Episode Date: July 6, 2023

Paul Williams (AKA The New Zealand Taskmaster Assistant) returns to the podcast to fly the NZ flag and defend Rose's prize task... of course we're talking best thing in a shed. As well as discussing Episode 8 with Ed, Paul reveals what happened when he met the Portuguese TM assistant and what he thinks British people sound like, liquorice bootlace anyone? Watch all of Taskmaster on All 4www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmasterVisit the Taskmaster Store for all your TM goodies!taskmasterstore.com Visit the Taskmaster YouTube Channelyoutube.com/taskmaster Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

It's hockey season, and you can get anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. Well, almost, almost anything. So, no, you can't get an ice rink on Uber Eats. But iced tea, ice cream, or just plain old ice? Yes, we deliver those. Gold tenders, no. But chicken tenders, yes. Because those are groceries, and we deliver those, too.

Along with your favorite restaurant food, alcohol, and other everyday essentials. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Order Uber Eats now. For alcohol, you must be legal drinking age. Please enjoy responsibly. Product availability varies by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast. It's the host of the Taskmaster podcast here, Ed Gamble. And today we'll be discussing Ed Gamble quite a lot.

Yes, because we're talking about Series 9 of Taskmaster, of which I was one of the contestants amongst many brilliant other people. Very excited today to be talking about episode eight of series nine with the wonderful Paul Williams. Paul has been on the podcast before. All of you Taskmaster fans, Taskmaster nerds, I can say nerds because I am one of them, will know Paul as the assistant, the Taskmaster's assistant on the New Zealand version of Taskmaster. He is amazing on that show. He is also a brilliant comedian, brilliant musician, always very excited to talk to Paul.

We'll be chatting with him about this specific episode. It is, I mean, look, there's a moment in this episode where I'm a bit annoyed we've got someone from New Zealand on because they will be backing up their country when I simply just wanted to make fun of their accent, a bit of a shame, but it will be a fun chat nonetheless. We're nearing the end of this series and then guys, we're all caught up. We've done all our history episodes, as I like to call them.

So let's enjoy it. Let's not wish the moment away. This is episode eight of series nine with the brilliant Paul Williams. Welcome back, Paul, to the Taskmaster podcast. Thank you so much for having me Ed. It's a delight to have you back on the Taskmaster podcast. Now I'll be honest when when we set this up for the morning I thought hey it's going to be such a weird time in New Zealand for Paul but what I didn't realise is you're in the UK I am, I landed not last night but the night before so I've settled in

and I'm actually staying at the home of Rose Matafeo the home of Rose Taskmaster Loser Rose Matafeo we're going in hot here paul because

look i know what it's whenever whenever we have a kiwi on they always back rose and they always they're they're always very down on me so i've got to come in strong here yeah well i mean we we have to stand behind rose you know obviously i'm staying at her house so of course i'm gonna we have to stand behind Rose. Obviously, I'm staying at her house, so of course I'm going to back her. But no, I am obviously leaning Rose politically, but I am also a Taskmaster's assistant. So I am going to be fair, and I'm going to be true,

and I'm going to give you a chance. Thank you. I appreciate that and you do i think is as your role as taskmaster uh assistant in uh tmnz uh i think you do you do nail that aspect of i feel like you're a very calm presence uh you're not biased towards anyone i think you are one of the fairest assistants i i feel like you're buttering me up for this podcast but thank you oh i always butter you up paul i'm a fan i'm a big fan thank you ed um likewise likewise thank you thank you here's a question for you paul as one of the international taskmaster assistants um have you have you met many of the other assistants has

there been a big party where you've all met and you've all stood there with clipboards yes there were there was last late last year there was a meetup in the south of France where most most of the taskmasters and their assistants were there but a couple it was very strange like i uh we all stayed in the same hotel yeah i kind of got there the day before but then i just remember um coming out of my room to go down to like kind of meet everyone and then halfway down the stairs i saw a guy in a suit and i was like port Portugal? And he was like, yeah, New Zealand? And I was like, yeah.

And then we went down and there was sort of like everyone was there in a circle sharing stories of Taskmaster. It was really strange, but very fun. Yeah, that is completely bizarre that you're seeing the international version of yourself, essentially. The Portuguese Paul Williams, or indeed the the portuguese alex horn depending on whether you think that the taskmaster's assistant is a sort of clone based system where alex is the original uh taskmaster's assistant and everyone else has a bit of his dna yes multiverses are very uh in at

the moment in superhero movies and it very much felt like a sort of multiverse moment. Well, let's talk about episode eight of series nine. Now, there's something quite contentious coming up, which we will discuss at length, I'm sure. I've already been hauled across the coals for it by Guy Montgomery on a previous episode but we will get there. The prize task is best thing from

a shed. Now I say shed. Paul would you like to say shed? Shed Actually you do say shed properly say it again. Shed Yeah are you trying to say it? I don't know are you trying are you trying to say i don't know honestly i've been stressed about it all night and i probably have changed how how i say it

um i did not sleep a wink last night i was just um yeah stressed about saying this word and um honestly it doesn't even sound like a word anymore um shed shed and and you know the worst thing about it is is you are staying in in rose matafayo's yes um essentially yeah this this is kind of her shed where she stores her things um but yeah i i honestly i i i i'm gonna avoid saying that word um because yeah it doesn't even sound like a word anymore it's um yeah well let's look we may as well just get straight into it uh rose brought in a poster of new zealand fish species which which she says everyone in new zealand has up in their shed. Yeah, I mean, it's a perfect prize from Rose. Everyone has this poster.

Everyone keeps it in their shed. Five points. I think it's a great... I mean, I think possibly she could have... Yeah, she didn't really stop to think like is this going to translate uh you know i'm on a this show is is it's international but you know is shot in the uk and um it is a it's you know it's a uk show it's obviously international but um she didn't stop to think is this going to translate well for the international audience

um it possibly didn't but um i i stand behind her yeah well she you know she explained what it was and she talked us through it um i mean perhaps in her mind it was sort of a cultural exchange uh yeah uh everyone would be grateful to learn something something about our uh our new zealand cousins um but she was met with I mean hostility would it be fair? We all went I'd say disgracefully British where there was some sort of genetic thing kicked in where

we decided to make fun of the traditions of another country I said something about so few people in New Zealand they have to claim fish as residents. Greg just immediately leapt on the pronunciation of shared Alexlex even had a laugh like looking back at it it doesn't make me proud no i think valid valid critiques though like because new zealand i think technically we've got about 4.5 million yes um citizens but you know i think maybe through like two of those are probably human.

And maybe two are sheep, two million sheep. And then the last half a million are fish, I think. Yeah, absolutely. Look, it's a lovely poster. But I mean, look, it ended the way it always does with Rose's prize tasks, with her starting to explain something and pitch it and then she just loses confidence with every sentence and then she puts her head in her hands yeah yeah it's her signature move um yeah and the fish poster is is really iconic in new zealand um and like even

the campground we camped at as a kid had one up in the fish and chip shop which i always thought was strange as a kid because um you'd be there your family would be there ordering fish and then you'd look at these sort of disgusting fish with big like eyes staring at you and it would really not disgusting i apologize to the fish for calling them disgusting but um i don't know it really just hit home that you were just eating these fish. I don't know. It was a wild move, I think. Well, it's interesting to have it. I mean, obviously, at one level,

it makes sense to have the poster up in a fish and chip shop because they're selling fish there. But also, presumably, all of those fish are not available to eat. No, definitely not. Because it looks like a menu, right? One or two maximum. It only makes sense if you cross out all of the fish as if they've all run out

and then you've just got a card left. Yeah. They should have had one that just had one fish and one photo of a potato. Yeah. Well, look, there was a lot of fun with the the shed thing uh and the fish poster uh it it does fine as a prize i think three points it's probably slightly slightly more than it deserved but also i think at this point greg was probably feeling quite guilty for making fun of yeah rose's

beautiful accent may i say paul yes thank Yes, thank you. Yes, no worries. But also it led to a gif that myself and, or jif, I do apologise, that myself and Nish share on a regular basis, which is Rose saying shed in an English accent and crossing her eyes, which is one of the best things to ever come out of this series, I think. Yes, Nish is actually one of the main culprits of mocking our accent, I will say now. He calls us, even has developed his own, I guess, racial slur,

which is a slab, which is named after Whittaker's Peanut Slab, which is an iconic New Zealand chocolate. I'm very nice at this too. Delicious chocolate. I'm very nice. It is too. Delicious chocolate, but he calls us slabs and he does one of the worst New Zealand accents I've ever heard. Yeah, I'm not sure it's close. I don't know what it's close to. It doesn't really sound like any accent in the world, but he does it pretty much every time I see him without fail. Well, I'll tell you what we'll do. I will ask Nish to record an example of his New Zealand accent and we'll put it in the episode.

That would be great. Yes, and then everyone can experience what you and Rose have to experience. Well, I retaliate. Me and Rose, we hit him with our British accent. Oh, Paul, please. This is the perfect opportunity. yeah well i i retaliate me and rose we we hit him with our british accent oh paul please this is the perfect opportunity hello governor gonna go up the store and get me some bootstrap licorice and is that so is that an impression of what you think nish sounds like that's nish that's you that's those are the only two british people i can think of right now but yeah it's all you guys do is eat bootstrap licorice from the store from the shop

or crisps yeah get me some crisps and i do say governor a lot yes yes yeah um well the the original uh title of taskmaster in the uk was assignment governor wow yeah yeah taskmaster sounds snappier but it used to be assignment governor um joe brand brought in a sculpture of i mean the reveal is absolutely amazing that it's that it's supposed to be her and the reveal that it was her dad who did it and that that now lives in her shed i found this paul uh i think greg said the same it's initially scary but then there is there is a certain beauty to it that her dad crafted it and clearly tried his best uh to create her in clay agreed i think that sums it up perfectly um it's there is a there's a haunting quality um but overall yeah i found it quite

beautiful um the whole thing yeah yeah i mean joe says she doesn't like it but i don't think she likes many things she's not she's not known for her sort of enthusiasm. But I think it backfired on this occasion because everyone seems to quite like it. I mean, it's very funny initially, but then when you hear the backstory, it's quite touching. Yeah. I mean, I wish my dad had sculpted me. I think everyone would love a sculpture from a parent yeah yeah i suppose in a way we are all sculpted by our parents that's true and they did an incredible job like i look exactly

like me yeah i always think that whenever i see you yeah i'm like this is uncanny how much i look like me okay that guy paul really looks like paul and as i'm getting older i'm it's staying true to like it's wild yeah yeah when anybody asks uh does paul williams have any doppelgangers i say yeah paul williams yeah it's uncanny yeah um well it was great i think i think joe probably deserves the five points there um let's go down to the bottom of the board now uh katie wicks and i think in terms of this series i think the worst surprise task has gone down with greg um because because katie brought in a tiny step ladder and tiny tools from a doll's house shed um and uh she was excited to present them i think she clearly thought they were going to go down well and they fell on very deaf ears here yes and i i feel bad for it because i

am a huge fan of small stuff and models yeah so i agree i think this could have gone either way for her like obviously greg what what did she get for it was it she got one she got one point for it and greg said it's because he's quite sensitive about being a big tall man yeah and so anything that's deliberately smaller than it is in real life makes him feel even bigger and more uncomfortable yeah i um i understand that i can see where he was coming from um and but at the same time as a prize task i think she was unlucky because you know and with another taskmaster that that could have been five you know yeah on another day with a with a more whimsical taskmaster yeah which i'm not sure how many whimsical taskmasters there are because i wouldn't say uh that jeremy is is particularly whimsical he's a you know he's a newsman he's uh he's very no nonsense i'd say jeremy he wouldn't he wouldn't

enjoy the tiny things would he no this is i think like a Taskmaster's assistant, I think, if they were scoring this, I think they might, I mean, I'm only speaking for myself, but yeah, I love a small miniature in a model. And this would have been right up my alley. Yes. It's very, what a workshop. Yeah, it is. For sure. I went to what, what unleashed when I was in,

uh, when I was in Auckland, Paul, right. So that's a, um, like a X exhibition. I saw it.

But it's, it's fun, man. It's, it's really fun. And there was, there's one thing where you walk into like an artist studio and they have like a, a wax model of an artist to sleep on the desk.

Uh, and then you go into the next room and there's a wax model of an artist to sleep on the desk uh and then you go into the next room and there's a massive version of it so you feel tiny wow very detailed details insane so does your love of tiny things extend to liking the idea of you being tiny yeah i guess and and i feel like if katie had brought in massive stuff to make greg feel small she would have got the five points right if she'd brought in like a 10 times blown up ladder and tool set obviously that would have been a lot harder to um yeah where are you getting that from like what yeah she's she's custom making that stuff yeah yeah she's getting it from with a workshop in new zealand yeah she's going to win a workshop um yeah it was a shame for katie i think it definitely

deserved more than one point but uh she upset greg and that's what you get um david baddiel i think this is a rare misfire on the prize task for David because he was very good at the prize tasks, but he just sort of brought in a fancy dress diver's suit. Yeah, and I think it was kind of flawed because he claims that he's going to wear it to head into the shed to stop spider webs getting on him. But with that logic, it's like you wouldn't store it in the shed, I don't think. Surely you'd keep it outside the shed oh yeah to wear it in like i think you could say you know it's on the back of the door or it's right so you can reach in and grab it but i think the spiders could be in be in it yes the spiders could get in it and then you're putting it on to protect yourself from the spiders and they're crawling all over your legs and butt. Yes, exactly.

It's actually highlighting the spiders and bringing them closer to you. So I think it's, to me, this is possibly a one-pointer. Yeah, I think you're right. You know what? I just thought it was quite a weak submission. And you've spotted a genuine logical flaw in there. And then he said it was for sex games as well. And that gets the brain working doesn't it and then you end up with a horrible image yeah david baddiel acting out some

sort of weird deep sea fantasy um but yeah he normally very good at prize tasks i will say that for david i'm awful at everything else uh but yeah this this felt like a one pointer pretty lucky to get to um i've not saved myself until last deliberately um but i brought in a garden gnome uh with a massive penis in a wheelbarrow that i gave to my mom as a present and she keeps in her shed yes okay so that okay because it was blurred out yes um so i assumed it was a um you know because i i didn't think you would stoop to that kind of did you know so i assumed it was a gnome carrying a like it's a scale gnome carrying a a carrot in a weird carrot a big big yeah yeah i guess yeah scale name carrying a normal size carrot yeah yes no it was um it was a garden gnome with a very uh detailed uh and oversized penis

um and they didn't show the full reveal of it because it's uh there's like a log it looks like he's carrying a log right and then you take the top of the log off and you work out it's his dick wow okay and where did you where did you get this internet right okay buy anything from the internet paul yes right yeah um i was very proud of this but honestly i think this was a tipping point for um my uh friendship with rose and katie on the show where they just looked very very disappointed in me yeah and then i think got quite angry with greg that um he he gave that a lot of points because they're like oh he just likes dick jokes they say in the show would you would you um would you give it points if there was a vagina in a shopping trolley and obviously he

would yeah obviously look there's nothing nothing wrong with a dick joke you know and yeah sure i about four of my prizes were dick jokes but you know it scores well and it makes me laugh yeah i mean you gotta go you gotta go with with what works and would you put the big dick gnome in in your garden definitely not i mean i um firstly i i don't have a garden and um you know the way the way things are going we'll probably never have a garden. Would you put it in the bathroom? Bathroom? I'd say definitely not. I think if, I don't think I would ever put it anywhere.

And that's no disrespect to, I don't know if that gnome has a name, but no disrespect to the gnome. Yeah. But yeah, I think pretty disturbing gnome. Well, as I say, you know,

I feel sorry for that guy yeah that's true it's it's not it's not his fault but yeah i i just don't want him in my home fair enough it was five points for joe four points for me three points for rose two points for david and one point for katie so as you know I'm quite new to this country, relatively new, so I don't really have a shed or access to a shed or friends with a shed. What about a shed? Why? What's funny about a shed?

A shed? A shed. A shed. A shed. Fine. Go on, tell us about your shed. A shad. A shad. LAUGHTER Fine. Go on, tell us about your shed. Well, in every good shed, I... Alex, don't you start. It's funny when she says it.

LAUGHTER Oh, that's so silly. From different backgrounds, it's nuts. Thank you for colonising us, by the way. Really appreciate that. But I brought this. Every good New Zealand shed has this. It's a poster of New Zealand fish species.

Here it is. So I can't wait for those big points. Task one, throw something into this pedal bin from the furthest distance. The pedal bin must be shut when you throw your thing You have a maximum of 20 minutes Your time starts now Now, bit of background to this task, Paul This was the first task

Certainly I did and I'm guessing everyone else did Wow This was the first one It was a very Very interesting to know Yeah, tricky task to kick off with. Yeah, wow.

Right into the deep end, I feel. Right into the deep end. And as I said, I think, previously on the Taskmaster podcast, you can tell when it's my first day on Taskmaster because I have a massive spot on my forehead. Okay. I did not notice that.

That's the way you tell. Well, have a little look. It's on the right side of my forehead. I think I tried to cover it up with some makeup, but yeah, big old juicy honker. Do you think that was stress-related from knowing that you were doing Taskmaster? No, because I wasn't stressed.

I was just very excited. I could possibly be the first person to ever get a spot from excitement. Yeah. I could possibly be the first person to ever get a spot from excitement. Yeah. Yeah. I will say, when I think the first scoreboard update happens,

which I think is after this task, in your photo, you look 15 years old. Like, it's wild. Yeah, I was buzzing. I was just like a little boy running around it's the most fun ever isn't it yeah yeah obviously i i loved i loved doing the task i was never i was never really stressed or nervous about it how from an assistant's perspective how do you find it doing the same task over and over again does it ever get does it ever get boring or no, I actually find the opposite. I find it's very satisfying to see. I almost think my favorite one is the last person to do it

because then you have the whole set. It's like you see the whole picture suddenly. It's like a puzzle, and then you're like, wow, that's done now. And I know that person did that. And so I actually find if anything it kind of grows in enjoyment um interesting what a great job what a truly great job it's a very fun job yeah now this obviously the rules are the pedal bin must be shut when you throw your thing um which is tricky i mean it's they basically deliberately

pitch something that seems impossible and then we're going to see how people people can actually do it yeah i love this task very jealous of this task i think um yeah it's it's a it's a great task it's a good task stressful to do i would say the spot got bigger um and uh there's i mean look there's multiple ways of doing it i think really katie and rose went for a similar angle in they were both trying to you know create a sort of um a pivot uh system to be able to open the bin from a distance uh and then throw whatever they were throwing in. I think they both went with balls. Rose more successful than Katie because the bounce,

this was a good technique to bounce, knowing that you've got more time to then open the thing. She actually later says, I don't know why I was bouncing, but I think you've summed it up perfectly. Yeah. It's a time thing. It's a time thing. Exactly. I think the bounce summed it up perfectly. Yeah. It's a time thing. It's a time thing.

Exactly. I think the bounce was absolutely genius. Katie just throws things with Alex standing behind the bin. And Alex was worried that the bin was going to hit him in the crotch. And then she just immediately throws a ball straight into his crotch. Yeah. Yeah. It was clever, though.

She used sort oflex as a sort of basketball backboard which i think um uh is is a good move yeah yeah yeah that's true she went with uh basketball style you're of course a fan of basketball do you think you would have done something similar in this situation yeah i was i was thinking about it i always like like anyone who watches taskmaster you obviously think like, what would I have done? And I think it is a lot easier when you're, you know, in the comfort of your own home, completely relaxed. I like to think I would have made,

tried to make some sort of like, almost like a big funnel with some sort of like pipes obviously this is very and i don't know what the time limit actually was like 20 minutes 20 minutes so this would have been you know pretty ambitious but some sort of big funnel with a little little pipe thing yeah and then you throw it into the um the big funnel thing yeah uh and then run over while it's sliding down and try and open it with your foot yes is basically what i think i i would have at least attempted to do it probably would have failed and then i would have you know panicked and i don't know what done what but um yeah no but i but I think that is a smart, that's a smart idea.

And I'm very surprised that no one went for the, because there are plenty of pipes and, you know, half pipes. They're all available at the Taskmaster house, or certainly they are now. Maybe they weren't then. But that feels like a smart thing to do. And the funnel system, of course, was very well employed by Tim Key

with the throw a teabag into a cup. Yes. Task. So, you know, it feels like someone should have done that. Yeah. I should have credited that as a Tim Key funnel. But yes. Hey, look, Tim Key didn't invent the funnel, you know. I think he did actually.

I was, yeah, I was on the Wikipedia for funnels. And amazingly, it's one of those like things where you think it's, it's been like the term bucket list was invented by the movie the bucket list yes which is wild because it seems like bucket like that i don't know what year that movie came out i haven't seen it but the funnel was the same thing it's like it seems like i remember funnels when i was a kid but no it was um tim key season yeah tim key on taskmaster yeah yeah amazing um but i think i kind of agree if 20 minutes is a long time is a short time to try and get that all set up but it feels like you almost need the funnel at the beginning or some sort of system where the ball spends a bit of time in the funnel yeah and then comes down the pipe and then you've got

enough time to run and open the bin yeah yeah i feel like i feel like that that would have beaten me maybe um well someone who didn't beat me was joe uh who just gets the crew to do it which is vintage joe brand uh from memory the first thing that i did was ask alex if he could help me and he said no yeah which happened a lot because i think he decided i could probably walk on my own two feet i think when someone like david asked him to help i think he would normally help because it didn't really help yes and i also think i i i with what you're saying, that the asker probably affected it. Like, I think if you're a crew member, if I was a crew member and Joe Brand was demanding my help,

I would be terrified and would immediately help, I think. If you were the assistant in this scenario, would you help some people and not help other people? I mean, I don't think so. I think I probably would have made a decision, a blanket rule, I think, to probably just not help as a blanket rule. Yeah, for fairness. Yeah, I think so.

I mean, I think backboard absolutely i think you've got to play it play it by yeah and um based on the request like i think if someone had asked me to stand as a backboard i definitely would have yeah yeah because then you're not helping as such you're just being positioned uh you're a you're a meat prop yeah um you're not having to use any sort of dexterity or mental skill there you're just standing there to be bounced off correct yeah yes yes but I thought to be honest I think what Jo did worked out really well

because she initially had the sound man opening it she then had Alex take over the sound so maybe she'd also asked Alex if he could help he'd said no so she'd worked out a system where she could get the sound man to help and just employ alex in another role on the crew yeah i i think i think

that's a great move um yeah i like that yeah and then also the added thing of when it didn't work the first couple of times she worked out a way where she didn't even need to be accurate with the throw she could just throw it up and let the sound man go to where the ball was and catch it yeah and also i think great move selecting um and i don't know if it was her first choice of crew member but sound sound soundy um yeah great arms from holding good arms sometimes at boom mic yeah um you know or at least hit and record button good with good with their hands and arms um yeah i guess uh you can't ask a cameraman to do it because they're they're filming famously yeah um the sound man i mean they need to be across it of course they're constantly across it um but uh they probably have a bit more wiggle room to be able to hold a bin as long as

all the things as long as they got their headphones on they can hear that everything's fine in that situation yeah get them holding a bin no worries um so this this i think is one of the tasks i'm proudest of in terms of what i did and that's amazing considering it was your first yeah first task well i came i came into the the situation thinking i'm going to be the guy who finds the loopholes right yeah so i was constantly looking for the loopholes that fell away very quickly i'd say yeah right especially when and i've talked about this on the podcast ad nauseum we did a warm-up task which was name as many animals as you can but they have to be in alphabetical order um and i really panicked and then thought oh no i'm the stupid one um but when we came into this i thought maybe i'm gonna try this i said do you reckon this will be

all right to alex and he said well i definitely think you should do it and then it can be argued in the studio so i instead of i took the bottom So instead of, I took the bottom out of the bin, I kicked the bottom out of the bin quite aggressively, flipped it upside down. Hence the bin was shut under my definition. And then I had a big hole in the top to get it in. What did you think of this, Paul? Do you think it's an admissible attempt at the task?

Again, I'm very rose leaning politically but at the same time i'm a taskmaster's assistant and the bin was closed you completed the task i uh i i think totally totally fine thank you very much because it still functions as a bin yes because you could flip it back up put a bin bag in and shut the lid again yeah so it's you know the lid it's still shut as far as i'm concerned agreed agreed um and i think impressive distance like your your your tactic of throwing multiple rocks i think was a great move yes sort of the scatter yeah the scatter motion and if we credit look if we're crediting people with techniques uh i believe we should call this technique the rod gilbert um because in series seven uh he threw i believe maybe stones as

well over the fence to try and get uh to get them into a bin as far as i know uh i think it was um and the scatter technique worked for him there and you know what you've got to you've you've got to give the guy the props where it's due because yeah the the scatter technique really really worked for me yes and then a last second panic and attempt to pick up some leaves yeah i wanted it i wanted to do well so much and the just grabbing leaves to try and the closest thing to me i should have had a bucket of stones ball so i could constantly be doing it but for some reason i mean i started with a golf ball i was throwing things and then running all the way down the drive to get them again and then running all the way back not efficient time wise yeah we had a similar thing on,

I don't know if I can talk about Taskmaster New Zealand, but where Chris was attempting to throw, Chris Parker in season three was attempting to throw a teaspoon at a creme brulee. And he had a lot of time to do it, but was just slowly, it was just the time was disappearing. Obviously, he was, he had a lot of time to do it, but was just slowly. It was just, the time was disappearing.

Obviously it was very, he was very far away and it was very hard, but eventually he realized he was like, cause every time I, he was up on the balcony and every time I, I got the, I'd grab the spoon, run it back to the house,

put it in a bucket, which he would then pulley system up to try again and eventually he was like i should just go get more more um cutlery and it's amazing isn't it yeah because your brain is so focused on the task it completely misses out on basic things that would make your life easier yeah of course get loads of spoons rather than creating a pulley system to winch just what a single spoon back up in a bucket yes well it is amazing when when pressure's on like yes two nights ago i i came i landed in london uh and i was supposed to get this is a pretty boring story but i was supposed to get my visa stamped at customs yes and the email was like do not go through the e-gate go see one of

the the people they'll try and usher you through the e-gate don't go yeah go get it stamped and i got off the plane and i walked along got my suitcase saw the new zealand flag on the sign followed that through the e-gate came out and then it's the second i got out it was like it was like just hit me and i was like wait there was something in that long email about not going through until i get the stamp but i'm already out like i've got i didn't realize i was out it was so quick and then suddenly i was just like freaking out and i was like what do i do i've got to book a flight and leave to france immediately to come back in and i was like could i book a flight and then be like actually i don't want to get on the flight will i then get to pass back through customs

yeah and i was like you probably have to go to france and come actually go to france and then come back yeah i was like i bet they probably will just kick me back out. And then after a while, I phoned my live show producers and they were like, don't worry, it'll be fine. And they kind of just suggested going and talking to someone. And it was great.

And they just sorted it out for me. But I would never have just thought, maybe go ask someone. Just go and ask someone who works in the airport whose job it is to do all of that stuff yeah yeah i love that you thought well the only two options are get a flight to france or call my live show producers that's all i know how to do that's so funny actually my other thought was do i try there's these signs saying no entry with huge red signs because obviously like and my my third thought was literally do i just wait for someone to come through those doors and quickly try and run back through and then i was like i'll go to prison if i

do that like yeah yeah start running through no entry doors in airports i just need a stab now i've i've left the worst till last all the best depending on how you look at these things uh david i think that we knew at this point we were eight episodes in we knew what david baddiel is like in tasks but this was the first task he did potentially and he tries to lasso the bin up and gets alex to yank the bin with a rope suddenly uses a bath for some reason the only one to use a bath as alex says i mean for good reason i think the bath makes no sense what was he doing i guess maybe he was thinking he needed weight to enough weight to hit the the button down but yeah but a whole bath. A whole bath is, yeah, a wild move. Yeah, the whole thing's a mess.

Yes. And sadly, he doesn't succeed. But also, I don't hate... He gets one point, and I don't hate that, because, you know, he attempted it yeah i mean he was i'd say he was lucky yeah he was because the task was throw something into this pedal bin from the furthest distance he could have at the last minute got the bin thrown something in the air and opened the lid and literally had a distance of like 0.01 meters or something yeah

you've actually convinced me i don't think he should have received a point um it was the lassoing the bin that he thought he could somehow from a perpendicular angle pull on a bin lid and it would go up yeah he didn't think to employ the pedal at this point to the ground in any way yeah i i also think it's funny that when they go back to the studio he's like did it did it did i get it in at all like he doesn't even have any he just blacked out i think during that whole task i think he blacked out for the whole of the um recording of the tasks i mean him and joe to be fair the my entire experience of the Taskmaster Studio

was a task starting on the screen and both of them over me, I was in the middle of them, going, do you remember this one? And the answer was always no. They never remembered any of them. It was a delight to sit with them. It really was,

because it was fun to remind them, to remind my grandparents of things that had happened in the very recent past that's that's really good um but yeah lucky to get a point but just the chaos of badil the series would not have been the same without him it's so funny so funny and because he's such a like a he's very funny man but also has the potential to be very deep and very intelligent. And seeing him trying to lasso a bin lid upwards when it's not fixed to the ground.

Like, has he seen some cowboy film where they lasso a horse and the cowboy pulls in it and the horse's head just flips up? I don't know what, like, what was he expecting? There's no understanding of basic physics here at all. Yeah. like what was he expecting there's no understanding of basic physics here at all yeah um no but as someone who loves loves a whist and i respect the lasso technique yes yeah yeah so it was one point for david two points for katie three points for rose four points for joe and five points for me the butch boy david yes i don't think i did it did i a lot of these... the physical challenges, it's like we've set you a tricky thing to do

and then we've given you personally the extra challenge of being David Badoo. LAUGHTER Yes. Yes. Yeah. That's incredibly true. Even when you had an assistant. Yeah. That whole tying a rope to it And pulling the bin over thing It's so ambitious

No one else thought to use a bath Task two Write the best lyrics for the Tartamaster theme tune And perform them in the most memorable way You have 30 minutes, your time starts now This is a good episode Because I think this is another classic of our series yeah um and i i think everyone did quite well here agreed i was i was gonna say exactly that i think there's

no there's no bad attempts at this task which is why it's interesting that greg especially now is is much more uh in favor of if he enjoys everything to an extent, he won't give one point. He might give three people three points, one person four, one person five. He sort of plays around with the scoring system, much to Alex's chagrin. But here he goes with the traditional one to five.

So it seems, look, obviously Joe gets a one because of the content of the song rather than the song itself and you know i i don't it doesn't sit well with me um i can see greg's um process obviously yeah but i i think this song is is stunning and and brave um you know i i i love it I love the performance She's got backup dancers And a guy on a saxophone Mark Brown

And I love that she tries to defend Herself calling Greg fat By saying I had to make it rhyme And I couldn't think of anything else Only to have Alex point out That the line she was rhyming with was greg's just a twat like really good really good yeah and obviously greg's reaction of how was

work today oh someone called me fat who joe brand is just perfect yeah i mean you can see i i'm always slightly embarrassed by my reaction in the studio and taskmaster because it feels quite vulnerable because i'm having the best time of my life and you can see it in every single shot of me i'm like wide-eyed i can't believe i'm there i'm like giddy beyond belief and especially when when this all unfolded yeah yeah but yeah joe was joe was great at these sorts of tasks the serenade task as well she did a she did a sort of um rap style serenade just like aggressive aggressive language and she's fantastic she's so funny yeah yeah so again i think i think she gets one point and it's rough but but obviously I see where Greg's coming from.

Yeah. But I think time has, like that song has really stood up. It stood the test of time, yeah. Stood the test of time for sure. Yeah, and I think if you're going to go down all guns blazing and get one point, this is the way to do it, isn't it? Exactly, yeah. David, or Daddy4ones as he's known in this task uh admits that he's never watched taskmaster before so he doesn't know the

theme music as if we needed any confirmation in episode eight that david had never seen taskmaster before yeah um but again i think i think that his song is iconic. Yeah. And again, I think two points is, I assume he gets two points. He does, yeah. It's not enough. And obviously, respect to Greg

for respecting the one through five scoring for this particular task. But I think his song is iconic. Beautiful live piano arrangement. Yeah. I liked it at the time and i think again it's it's stood the test of time it's a classic yeah and so bold to not go and listen to the theme tune yeah to simply sight read the music and nail it surely there's got to be more points

in it for him there and i know it's supposed to be memorable and he has just sat down at a piano and he doesn't leave the room at any point which is a very funny reveal but that to me is memorable for all the wrong reasons but it is memorable that he literally just does this droning sort of version of the taskmaster theme tune yeah and often with now when i hear the taskmaster theme song which is often you know the lyrics that i hear to it i think are his lyrics yes um which is which makes the most sense for the show yeah and and i think i don't know why it makes me laugh so much i cannot explain it i think because it's it's it makes sense but also it's such a weird thing to put on the end is um right right here in your own town which is the final lyric right here in your own town but yeah it it paints a picture for me which i like which is like a small quaint i don't

even know if these towns exist in england but in my mind they do like i guess i'm picturing like is it the cotswolds yes like a small sort of old-timey stone village with like smoke coming out of the chimney and i'm just picturing them gathering around a little tv to watch taskmaster and it's a beautiful image but it's a very funny thing to plug within a TV show that you can watch it in your own town. As if there's people going around going, have you heard about this new show? You know you can watch it in our town. Yeah, everyone was like,

I'm training down to London this week to watch, not a live studio recording, but just to get to a TV in London to watch Taskmaster. Because we can't watch it in our town. Really funny. But yes, I agree. I think that was probably underscored. Katie's, I love.

I mean, Katie's I absolutely loved. Mainly, I think for the last line of this song, which is probably the funniest thing in the whole series for me, I absolutely lost it when this happened. And you can see how much it reduced Greg to jelly as well. Good luck to all those thinking, but it does do date. Like just cramming that last line in

and her getting really close to the camera. I think it's so, so funny. Yeah. Yeah. Agreed. Great performance. Good use of props. yeah just great i mean she went away from um rhyming but you know lyrically still great people got hung up on

the rhyming though because it doesn't say you have to rhyme no agreed agreed a song a song never has to rhyme um and you know poems as well they don't have to rhyme. It's better if they do, though. I do think rhyming poems are better. Yeah, agreed. Songs I'm not bothered about, but poems, come on. You can put a bit of effort in. Yeah.

That was three points for katie i uh i mean look there's been a few of these across my taskmaster career where my brain goes somewhere i can't get away from that thought and then i realize that thought and then i get halfway through doing it and go what the hell are you doing no but this is one of them the baby i think often your first thought is your best thought and sometimes you know as a taskmaster assistant i see someone just say the first thing that comes to their mind and in my head i'm thinking love that yeah and then they they kind of sometimes convince themselves away from it and i think it's a mistake yeah so i think going with your gut is often a great move and i i think it paid dividends for you on this task well i i think

it worked here i would compare it to my champion of champions uh task where i had to eat a grape in the most elaborate way and i set up a whole scene where i was a police dog investigating a murder and i found the murder weapon which was a grape and then I ate the grape I think that is an example of one where I shouldn't have gone with my first thought right because it was slightly over complicated

yeah okay this works because I do maintain and look I've had a lot of messages from people who say that still when they hear the Taskmaster theme tune they do think of a baby crying. Yeah, okay. What I was saying about David Baddiel. Yeah, that's mine for a lot of people.

Because at my first, I think when I first saw this, when it came out, I thought, hold on, but that doesn't work as the theme song for Taskmaster. But the task was not that it was. Just write the best lyrics of the Taskmaster theme song. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

So, um, I think that actually, cause I like what you've done. You've based the lyrics on what you thought the music was doing. Um, kind of like, like you're,

you're a reverse Elton John in a way, um, where he's kind of got the lyrics and then he's musically going to the lyrics. You've done the reverse. And I think it's a great move. Yeah, I'm a reverse Elton John in many ways. You know, I'm quite tall. I've never done Glastonbury.

And I'd never buy flowers. Right. Whereas he famously nearly bankrupted himself on flowers yeah right yeah uh but i think you're you know what i genuinely never thought about this that i am the only one who does a completely unrelated song yeah i mean joe's is almost i mean it's it's less of a theme song and more of a diss track it's a diss track yes and and the other three i think are all i would say i guess roses is also like an origin story of taskmaster but again it's like it's a theme it could be all four of them could be theme songs except for yours which is um yeah which is

a nice point of difference it's more the mood it's the mood of the song and there's a little story alex played my mum gave me a lovely kiss on the cheek and then the visual effects of the baby being carried away yes really nice well we used the mannequin head and it was everyone on the crew was quite amazed uh how much the mannequin head looked looked like me um they saw that i think as a compliment i saw it as oh you're saying i literally look like a blank canvas when when your parents um sculpted you they based it on a mannequin so yeah yeah i don't i look more like a mannequin than i look like myself um let's talk about roses because i i mean i've saved this to the end for the reason uh for a reason i just think it's definitely one of roses highlights and probably a highlight of

the series as a whole this is brilliant a country theme song about the origin story of taskmaster it is a stroke of genius really good and i mean the fact the crowd like claps along yeah i don't think i've ever seen that no it's um you know some great rhymes takes quite a dark turn at the end where i think she says alex sold his soul yes but um but still all in all you know it's a barnstormer i mean literally a barnstormer yeah when it started I was worried because just when Rose was bobbing up and down looking quite eager I was like oh no this could be this could be so embarrassing

but I should have learned to trust Rose because I mean look she's a brilliant writer and she can do music she could do all of those things so just fantastic it was bang on the money brain full of corn saying on the money brain full of corn saying alex had a brain full of corn just so good and yeah i was almost annoyed when the audience started clapping i remember because yeah i was like no i want to listen to the lyrics yeah

you're not paying attention to the lyrics yeah i actually i mentioned that to her uh last night yeah she said the same thing i think we watched it twice two or three times in the studio so we could wow fully hear the lyrics yeah okay yeah i mean this is a this is an easy five points i think uh yeah and i felt maybe i was lucky given the discussion we've had now that um that i got four points for the completely unrelated song. Katie gets three points, which, you know, her song was brilliant. So I think after we've discussed what we discussed, the fact that my lyrics don't actually work

as a Taskmaster theme tune, I did it in a different way. Maybe Katie should have got the four and I should have got the three. I don't think so. I think you're being humble there. If anything, I just think my only complaint with the scoring

is that David and Joe deserved more than one and two. Yes, yeah, because David got two, Joe got one. Potentially they should have all got three if we're allowed to step outside the scoring system. One, two, three, four. Alex is great. Greg's just a twat. Alex is thin. Greg's just a twat. Alex is thin.

Greg's really fat. Alex goes woo. Greg just goes flat. If I don't win, you're toast. One point. Task three. It's a team task. Supp supply the sound for this film you will have one chance to perform all the sounds in time within the film in exactly 20 minutes from now oh this task is great this was so much fun to do i don't know if it necessarily it's definitely good on screen and i love the

side by side of this the silent film and us doing the sound effects but i think it is impossible to show on screen quite how fun this was to do running around the house getting all the stuff working it all out practicing it and then we get one chance to record it and you can see how much we're enjoying it oh for sure and i think i think your team really good effort like there's moments where i'm really impressed at the timing and um i think the only thing that really jumped out to me is um obviously greg comments on the the three of you laughing for the one one person yes but the the only other thing that jumped out to me was i think there's a jogger at the start yeah and katie's um footsteps for it is i'd say more

of a sprint yeah more of a like very like world record 100 meter sprint like it's like yeah it's probably you saying bolt stuff uh yes katie yeah but the fact there's only a couple of moments i was very proud of uh what what we did in this we we missed a couple of things um but yeah and i think the things that we got were good as well uh and oh it was just so much fun to do you can see yeah i wasn't stressed during that i was just absolutely loving it also small piece of information i look gorgeous in the team tasks because uh i got makeup that day um because katie and rose were there and the men don't get makeup normally so i was absolutely yeah chrissy was there chrissy absolutely legendary makeup artist uh she put some slap on me

as well so i look i look gorgeous paul yeah well i know i know you probably don't think so but i thought you looked gorgeous in the other tasks as well i didn know i know you probably don't think so but i thought you looked gorgeous in the other tasks as well i didn't notice the um breakout on your forehead a big spot i just look i look smoother i look smoother right okay but what what fun this task was i mean david and joe as normal they sort of do the task but also their pride their primary objective is to deliberately fuck about yeah um and i think i loved the addition of music um but also just i think maybe a bit too much confidence from david to to think he could improvise a musical score and still nail the sound effects yeah

especially with only two of them doing it yeah when joe's obviously just going to do what she wants yeah david isn't isn't competent enough to do the sounds by themselves but certainly when you add the score which is a good idea and he does it he does it well yeah you start getting things from david like he will say russell russell instead of rustling stuff as it progresses he basically just starts saying everything that they need to do like i also love at the start he tries adding dialogue to alex whose mouth is i guess he could claim it's like a narration yeah like in a monologue thing of going, where's my whistle? Where's my whistle? But I just don't think he'd grasp what the task was. No.

It was two points to David and Joe and three points to myself, Katie and Rose, which felt fair. I think everyone did a pretty good job here. Yeah, agreed. And, you know, I was made to do my horn again in the studio, which, you know, shout out to Jess Knappett in Series 7, who, of course, does the best horn impression um but i was very proud of that but also let's not bury the

lead i thought my duck was good it was i actually think you were like i'm not gonna say you did a heavy lifting because i think your whole team was good but i think you had a uh mvp performance thank you like i think rose's um scream was her yell was really good because as his mouth towards the end of it it starts kind of changing and hers matches it um but i think uh i think yeah you did an incredible job with the duck and the horn thank you so much it turns out i'm very much the michaelinslow of UK comedy. Pretty much professional. It was.

The only slightly inaccurate thing was that when the woman at the end laughed, she laughed with the voice of three people. This was the big break for you. Maybe that was part of the narrative. Yeah, she was possessed. Maybe she was a ghoul. Do the horn noise again. Let's talk about the live task.

One of my favourites, this. Without adjusting your welder's mask at any point, draw your own face onto the front of your welder's mask. Your face should be the same size as your face and either very angry or very happy. Most detailed and accurate face wins. You have three minutes. face should be the same size as your face and either very angry or very happy most detailed and accurate face wins you have three minutes i i think this task this live task often gets forgotten when people talk about live tasks i think this is absolutely hilarious i think the

results are all very funny and tricky it is quite a hard one to do yeah oh i mean i i haven't done it but i it looks very hard yeah yeah yeah it's difficult to draw your own face when you're in your own face yeah i was trying to use the reflection from inside the welder's mask because of the studio lights you can sort of vaguely see a reflection so i was trying to use that i i guess other people were doing that um certainly rose i think may have been doing that joe just did what she wanted she wrote fuck across the across the thing and i have no idea what david was thinking i so i actually think david i like david's i mean i like david's but it's not it's not detailed and accurate is it i know but it's i think he's gone for a style and it's kind of like a sort of picasso-esque um but i like the thickness of

the lines like it's bold and it's i like it um i think you're being very generous to david that he decided to go for a picasso style i think he went for quick i think he went for quick and knew he couldn't do it so So he just went for it. But what does come out is definitely stylistic. Yeah. It sort of did look like him, as Greg said. Very surprisingly, it did look a bit like him. He sort of, certainly with the beard and stuff,

it feels like some of that's been scribbled onto David's face. So it was absolutely, you know, it was sort of bang on. Yeah. Which is why we get the scoring here. We get David and joe getting three points we get me and rose getting four points i was very happy with mine um i did have to really pull quite an uncomfortable face to look like my mask at the end but um yeah but i was very happy with it and katie as as she did with every art task absolutely dominated that was that was a piece of art it's it's beautiful yeah um and it's it reminds me of i'm not sure like which artists obviously

i've david i've gone picasso but i'm not sure which artists maybe it's like a quentin blake kind of but it's it's it's definitely from a book i read as a kid the style yes um but it's it's very it's it's a it's a work of art like you said yeah i mean lots of lines and then very detailed because of the lines but also it's it's sort of messy in a very deliberate way yeah um and that's that's katie's style she did it with a few other things uh during uh during the show including her when we had to draw a couple a couple of people on our joints um and she yeah she's brilliant i mean look katie's been exhibited in the royal academy summer exhibition she's a she's a proper artist yeah right okay and uh you could always see her

relax when it was an art task because i knew yeah you know she knew that she she's got this and a well-deserved five points uh so it's five points for Katie, four points for me and Rose, three points for David and Joe, meaning I win the episode. I got to take home all the things from the shed. Fish poster, as you can see at the end, I throw away there in quite an aggressive act of colonialism, which means series-wise, it's me and katie and rose and joe all very close all in the 130s and david not yet over a hundred yeah and pretty clutch performance

by you to get your mum's uh gnome back yeah yeah i mean she didn't want it back uh sadly um she she moved house never seen her Haven't seen her since then. She didn't want the, she didn't want the gnome back. She's very committed. Paul, we always ask our guests to rate their experience on the Taskmaster podcast between one and five points in the style of the Taskmaster. Feel free now to score in any way you wish.

We hope you've enjoyed yourself, of course, but just be honest. I've had an incredible time. I can't remember what I gave it last time, but I'm going to go five. I've got to go five. Thank you very much. Thank you. It's been a Katie Wicks drawing

or a Rosemary Feo song or a Ed Gamble throwing rocks into a bin. God, when you break it down like that, it really sums up my skill set. Thank you so much, Paul. I don't normally rate it, but five. It's been always lovely to talk to you. Wow, thank you.

Now, if you're listening to this podcast on the day it comes out uh which is thursday the 6th of july paul you're doing shows tonight at the soho theater aren't you i am tonight and wait so when's thursday today's wednesday yes this we're talking now on thursday yes so thursday and friday the 6th and the 7th and if you have a time machine wednesday the 5th the 6th and the 7th. And if you have a time machine, Wednesday the 5th. The 6th and the 7th are definitely the ones to focus on, I think. You're doing shows at the Soho Theatre. Can you tell us a little bit about the show? Give us the elevator pitch.

of comedy, music, movies, food, sports, travel, photography, hotels, cars, swimming, dancing, television shows, the internet, your family, your significant other, then you are going to love this show. Yeah. That's all I'll say. Yeah, it's a very specific market, isn't it? But I think if you found your audience and they're good people. What time are those shows on? Actually, I don't know. You don't know?

I don't know. It's the night time and it's at Soho Theatre. That's what I know. Go to the Soho Theatre website. I implore you to book tickets. The show is absolutely wonderful. Of course, is this the show I saw in Edinburgh last year, or is this a new show? It's the same.

It's the same show. Yeah, so I should say, if you came last year, I did two shows in London, do not come again, unless you really loved it or your memory is really bad. David Baddiel could go. Yes, it's a wonderful show. I insist you go and see it. If you are coming tonight um based on this pitch

do come up to me and tell me because i will be blown away by the time travel that you have done um yeah thank you very much paul for coming back on the taskmaster podcast thanks so much for having me goodbye bye thank you very much to paul for coming on as always a delight to talk to paul one of my favorite people uh we will be back next week of course to talk about nine nine uh no it's not a german person uh denying the existence of something it's episode nine of series nine very excited we're edging towards the end of the series it's another good episode next week we will see you then bye bye hello my name is nish kumar i'm from new zealand and uh my favorite comedians are rose metaphaeo

and paul williams and uh my favorite my favourite Prime Minister is Jacinda Ardern. And I love Flight of the Conchords. And I love Payne Williamson's cricket. And Taika Waititi and Rhys Darby. New Zealand. Nish. Every veteran has a story whatever your next chapter get support with health education finance and more at veterans.gc.ca services a message from the government of canada