Taskmaster The Podcast - Ep 46. Jack Bernhardt – S4 Ep.8

Episode Date: August 19, 2021

Jack Bernhardt returns to the TM podcast to go through some serious stats with Ed and to wrap up Series 4! There’s some exotic sandwiches, serious sports skills and a surprise. The Taskmaster Podcast will return soon when Ed will be discussing Series 12 with some more brilliant guests. Check out Jack’s Podcast Football Book Club  https://podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/football-book-club/id1482972853 Get tickets to Ed's Touredgamble.co.uk Pre order Bring me the head of the Taskmaster https://taskmasterstore.com/products/bring-me-the-head-of-the-taskmaster Watch all of the Taskmaster on All 4https://www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmaster Get in touch with Ed and future guests:[e-mail]  Visit the Taskmaster Youtube channelwww.youtube.com/taskmaster  Taskmaster the Podcast is Produced by Daisy Knight for Avalon Television.  Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. Hello and welcome to the Taskmaster podcast. It's Ed Gamble here. I'm the host of the Taskmaster podcast. It's the podcast where we talk about Taskmaster. Specifically in this episode we're talking about Series 4, Episode 8 of Taskmaster, which is the final episode of series 4. What a series it was and what a lot of fun we've had chatting about it on the podcast with all of our special guests from within the world of Taskmaster and from outside of the world of Taskmaster. Today our special guest is Jack Bernhardt, a man who has no not been on Taskmaster but is very involved in the world of Taskmaster. He's a journalist and a comedy writer and a podcaster himself and he's done a lot of stuff to cover Taskmaster including some statistics

since he was last on the podcast which basically document his breakdown do go on his twitter at JackBurn23 to check some of those out there's spreadsheets galore and for the true Taskmaster nerd they are unmissable but very much looking forward to chatting to Jack again on the podcast. Do watch along with us. Go on to all four. All of the episodes of Taskmaster are up there now. Go and watch this episode before you hear us break it down in excruciating detail. So, I mean, let's just crack on.

Let's crack on with the Taskmaster podcast with Jack Bernhardt. Welcome back to the Taskmaster podcast with jack bernhardt welcome back to the taskmaster podcast jack hello thank you for having me again of course of course we we will never let you go now you are in our icy grip uh you have revealed yourself as the ultimate taskmaster stat man uh and we're not we're not letting that go well i felt i felt bad the last time i was on you were like oh he's an expert he's really really good and i didn't have that much no no no no you were across exactly what you're talking about i had some things that i liked i was like oh these are my favorite bits from the show oh i love it and then so i now i've gone like i've gone properly stats crazy and i've got like proper proper like opta i'm the opta taskmaster man if you uh are listening to this and

you don't follow jack on twitter you've got to go and do it because the guy has had a spreadsheet meltdown um there are so many stats up there jack has gone on a deep deep dive into all of taskmaster and i think you've basically plotted out what would happen in taskmaster in every single parallel universe it's it's exciting it's it feels like different worlds are opening up it's like the end of loki the multiverse is revealing itself um yeah i i feel like i've seen through time yes that's where i'm at i am at this point. I've definitely just ruined the end of Loki for someone there,

so bad luck. Well, I haven't seen Loki, so you've basically ruined it for me. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, bad luck. But you've been too busy doing these stats. That's true. Unless Tom Hiddleston is going to be on Series 13 of Taskmaster, at this point, I don't care. That's interesting, actually. When we were writing Man Down, Greg's sitcom,

one of the ideas that he had was that every time his character Dan had a dream, in his dream he'd be played by Tom Hiddleston. We obviously didn't follow through follow through on that uh but yeah always makes me laugh when I think about that now Jack I don't know how you want to do this whether you want to talk sort of generally about how you feel about series four or whether you want to dive straight into some of the latest stats uh stats that you've got uh be they series four or not because I'm sure you've got some general interesting stats well I found a few fun facts about series four i mean i i love series four i realized re-watching it and listening back to the podcast i was like oh you know it's such a strong series yeah and and i think also because it's the first it's the first eight episode so it's like it's like the

show is sort of like coming into its own you're're like, oh yeah, this is, this is what we can do. Now we can make these things last for this long. We can create like narratives within it. So I think it's so good for that reason. And I think, I think personally, I think I talked about last time, the idea of like the different dynamics between the contestants and sort of Hugh being the ultimate old man buffoon. contestants and sort of Hugh being the ultimate old man buffoon. He plays that role, as it were, and he plays it very well. But one thing that I discovered in my stats dive is I split the show into subjective and objective tasks as in uh tasks where uh you are judged by what all the contestants are judged

by greg or alex or um another person yeah and then uh tasks where they're where it's just where it's they're doing something that can be measured so time or distance etc time or distance or or you know how you know the whole how heavy you are and if you throw yourself through a um uh a christmas tree bagger yes yeah yeah that whole thing um so the the best contestant across the whole series subjectively so i guess technically the the contestant that greg likes the most is noel fielding he has a ridiculously high score just on just on series four or for all of taskmaster because i would have thought so out of everyone ever on taskmaster subjectively i would have definitely put noel in the running so i would be right to do that noel is top and he is topped by i I mean, a long way. Really? His average score of subjective tasks is 3.95.

Oh, that's really... So Greg loves Noel, right? Greg loves Noel. I would have also taken a punt on Bob Mortimer there as being quite high. See, that's interesting because Bob Mortimer is actually relatively far down. And in fact- Really? In fact, Ed, he's 22nd. Wow.

Across the whole series. Do you wanna know who 21st is? Ed Gamble? It's little Ed Gamble. Yes, beat Bob Mortimer, finally. The one aim in my career. Bob Mortimer finally the one name in my career. Yeah, so Noel is far and away the most popular subjectively. Do you want to know who the least successful person is? I definitely do, yeah.

Okay, so the least successful person is Roisin Kanti, sadly. But I think that's... His best mate. His best... Because I think this is why subjectively they have the lowest score. They've got 1.91. Oh, God. 1.91. Yeah, that's bad.

Out of five. It's grim. But then next it's Hugh Dennis, which I think is understandable. Yeah, that's fair yeah because that's that's where Hugh's strengths lie um are in the more sort of the the tasks where it can be objectively judged right um and Noel that makes total sense uh because whenever it came to something where it was like get this thing the furthest quite often Noel would semi-check out I think we've talked about this quite a lot where

he really liked leaning into the artistic side of things but occasionally when it came to like get this thing over there apart from actually on the episode we're going to talk about he sort of just gave up a little bit he does give up a little bit and that's what i was going to say objectively on objective tasks uh hugh dennis is the best in series four yes and that makes sense is the worst so it's literally a a uh a like a role reversal reversal and then also objectively across the whole series uh hugh is seventh he's the seventh wow across the whole series so that person there was a person on the on the show who was like, I think actually Hugh should have won the series and you were like, oh, ridiculous.

What a concept. The idea that Hugh could win the series technically. Yeah. Technically, if you removed all sort of anything artistic or fun or subjective from Taskmaster, meaning that it would never have been commissioned in the first place so he would win the boring version of taskmaster show if the show was basically just how hard can comedians hit a piece of cheese hugh dennis is gonna win this show that's not true as we will come that's true no fielding would actually win that uh because this

is what he really he really came into his own, sporting-wise, was with the Babybel and Snooker queue, which we will come to later. That's a great Series 4 stat. Now, Jack, here's something I want to nail you down on now. A lot of your stat finding seems to be aimed at working out a situation where James Acaster beats me in Taskmaster. As far as I know, you are yet to out a situation where james acaster beats me yeah in taskmaster as far as i know you are yet to find a situation where james is higher than me okay i've i've i'm gonna be honest

a lot of this has been yeah the aim is solely to make it so that james beats me yeah um but just just mostly to annoy you yes Yes, fine, understood. It's frustrating because you're embarrassingly good at this show. I'm across the board, solid. Across the board, you're solid. So there are very few situations where I had one. I think there might be one scenario where, oh gosh, I'll have to look it up. I think it is if you exclude hang on if you exclude ed gamble's tasks oh no i've got one okay i've got one okay one situation

where james beats you yeah um it's uh if you exclude prize tasks and team tasks from the whole show yeah james beats you right okay that's all i've got yeah um but i'll take that i'll definitely take that look you were you were good at live oh you were you were i suppose you were bad at live tasks is what is the only scenario in which that exists yeah i was but you're still the thing is even in that scenario you're still fourth. It's very frustrating. Right. Do you have any more stats to do with series four that you wish to discuss before we plow headlong into episode eight,

the final episode of series four, Tony Three Pies? Oh, I think this has probably been said before, but Lolly is the best at prize tasks across the whole series by some distance I don't think it has been said before but of course, looking back on it, she's absolutely smashed so many of the prize tasks It's ludicrous how good she is

Her average is 4.25 out of 5 That is incredible And then also hugh is the worst which is again understandable because it's not surprising it's that thing of once you do as you say in the in the show once you do two bad prize tasks in a row the temptation then from greg it's too strong for greg to to resist the urge to just put him bottom each time. Yeah. And especially because he reacts in quite a sort of like dozy affable way. And it's so funny to destroy him every time.

He does. Although I think by the end, I think by this episode, he looks quite hurt. Yeah. He genuinely, he doesn't sort of confuse like, oh. Also, last week we talked about the prize test that he won which was best chair where it was his son sitting on his shoulder so he put in his own shoulders and it's got a sentimental photo and greg gave him the five points but we agreed that greg would have absolutely loved to have given one point for that but even he had to stop himself but i noticed this week we're straight back to one point again for the prize task, which is the prize task is most cash.

We should say that. And I mean, hang on. So Lolly, was she the best at prize task out of all of Taskmaster ever? All of Taskmaster ever. Oh, that's amazing. So let's start with you, Dennis. Bottom place in this. I liked this from Hugh.

I thought it was a good idea. It was a good way of thinking outside the box. He wasn't to know that Greg would think it was smarmy and stupid and that he would definitely come last. See, so I love Hugh and I think he's great and I think he's been badly treated across the series on the prize task. I think the big one is the mask of his face. That's a great prize task.

That should be comfortably three or four points, I would say. the big one is the mask of his face yeah that's a great prize task that's a good idea comfortably comfortably three or four points i would say yeah this one for me i think because okay if you could get dong in single currency units yeah and you had a big wad of it yeah then that i think would work because you'd be like look at this cash it's you'd be like, look at this cash. It's not worth very much, but look at this cash. And quantitatively, it is the most of something, yeah. Yeah, it looks like a lot and it is quantitatively, as you say, is the most. But as a result, how many notes was it really?

It wasn't many. I mean, it was like you could fan it out easily onto a table. Yeah, it didn't look very impressive i think is a big part of it and i think i think if you were in vietnam because because of the the nature of that currency you probably wouldn't say million all the time you probably just be like oh it's this amount of dong and it's like an unspoken rule that you add on million yeah i suppose i'm i suppose even in vietnam where it is 2 million or whatever, no one would say that guy's got loads of cash.

They'd be like, okay, wow, he's not doing particularly well. He's got some cash. He's got some cash, but he's saying, look, I've got 70 pounds, and I've got so much cash. You'd be like, okay, Hugh Dennis is in a lot of trouble. Yeah, I see what you mean there. I thought it was a nice attempt to think outside the box and i did like that i thought he was harshly marked again but i love to see it happen i can't argue with that i absolutely love to see him harshly marked um mel uh had a go as well uh a suitcase at least she brought in 240 pounds and then the rest is monopoly money

which i guess could you is there a world where you could describe that as cash i i think you could uh purely because they do that in films don't they quite a lot where they where they they turn up at like it's like a sting operation yeah yeah sting operation and they check the thing the layer below and it's just monopoly money but by that time mel's already mel's already like ushered the hostage out of the room and then and then the chase is on yeah um so i feel i feel like quantitatively you could say that's a lot of cash yeah the i mean the thing that i love about that is that if she hadn't if she hadn't spent all the money on the Monopoly money she'd have won probably

quite easily, oh no she wouldn't, well she'd have come second certainly because the Monopoly money that she had to buy was it 48 boards? Yeah she spent 800 quid on it or something so she'd have, it would have been about a grand which is a lot of money

to bring in for a show on Dave. Yeah, she should have just brought in all of that money. Yeah, it's a mad exchange when you think about Monopoly. You're buying Monopoly and spending all that money on fake cash. It's a fool's game. Don't get into it. But I liked the idea of it. I did.

But no, Greg wasn't having it at all. Noel Fielding, again, another thing that... Greg gave way more points than I expected. This is another more proof that subjectively he's into Noel's stuff. A £500 banknote that he created. This, for me, shouldn't have got more than Hugh. Yeah, I agree with that.

It's a nice painting. I'd love it on my wall that banknote if it was best cash yeah prettiest sure but it's most cash this is actually one of those those uh situations this is this is one of the few objective uh price tasks yeah that's true yeah there's actually nothing to be judged really on uh on greg's like angle he doesn't really have to you know he should have just gone if it said 500 pounds he should have been like okay it's 500 pounds therefore you get less well i suppose he still would have beaten you but no it's not 500 pounds because it's not legal tender is it so if it's in that case mel should have got more than no because hers is worth a million if you if you do it on that basis um it's true but i yeah and also he only wrote 500 pounds

on it if you if if it's if it's most cash at least write six billion pounds on the note or something but be realistic i mean come on i don't think we're operating within realism here jack well i suppose i suppose it would have to be the it's the taskmaster currency and there's going to be no one there's not going to be a higher denomination that would have that wouldn't have greg and alex on it if there was going to be taskmaster money they would be the highest denomination yeah that's probably be bob mortimer joshua dickum 50s would be all right maybe you yeah all right so i take 50 yeah well i put um whoever that's a really good question actually jack if it was if there was a taskmaster currency who would be on what denomination of note

the thing is once you get down to the coins you'd really want to put the people who've done terribly in there just yeah like the one p would be nish yeah but a grinning nish you'd be like yeah so happy to be on a coin 2p for chowders yeah oh yeah i'd absolutely love that oh i mean it's almost starting a theme park just to just have the currency um let's uh talk about joe lyser again i think this is sort of where you were shooting for with the quantitative thing right this this is what we're talking about what hugh should have done um 250 pounds but in pennies that weighed 89 kilograms this is a great idea brilliant it's a brilliant idea

and it's also incredibly annoying. Yeah. Just so annoying. I mean, sometimes with Taskmaster you send an email to production where you're like, I can't imagine what they'll be saying out loud about me in the office now,

but they have to respond and say, yeah, great idea. We'll get someone to look into that. And bringing in 89 kilograms of pennies. imagine how long he spent at the coin star machine i mean yeah if you're if you're in a queue behind joe lysette he's just he's putting in another 10 pounds yeah he's getting hit he's getting out copper but very very good idea i thought that was really strong it definitely deserved the the four points lolly lolly brought in two essentially i mean lolly so okay so this is this is a question do you think if hugh had done this do you think he would have marked him down because i think

there's a world in which because lolly's brilliant and lolly's done really well on the prize tasks you're just like two thousand pounds that's incredible but if you had done it would you have been like oh that's that's a desperate move to win to win a task it's interesting isn't it who am i i'm more impressed at that stage of her career that lolly pulled out two grand cash because i know that would have that was that would that's worth way more to her at that point in time than hugh pulling out two grand cash and you're what? You got that for sneezing on Outnumbered. I'd imagine Hugh sometimes just takes some trousers off and two grand just falls out

and he doesn't know where it's come from. Oh, my PC World money. Oh, there you go. Also, I love that the two grand was a backup and it came out of nowhere. And just the way she presented it was not smarmy. It wasn't smug. She had the blank check and then she was sitting on two thousand pounds just great it's the way joe looks genuinely horrified joe's sitting next to him he's like oh god

it looks like he's gonna throw up because it is it is so it's it's really upsetting in some ways just watch like just an envelope with a comedian handing it over to a much more, you know, a much more known comedian being like, hi, here's £2,000. In an envelope as well. Yeah, it's probably like a bribe, isn't it? But so good. Undeniably the best one. Of course. Well, I mean, it is.

It's entirely quantity. And it just looked so good. But it was almost hard to look at. I was sort of, yeah, closing my eyes watching it. Oh, it's very weird. So it was one point for Hugh as per, two points for Mel, three points for Noel, four points for Joe, and a big five for Lolly.

Lolly! So what I've done is I've brought in a blank cheque, and and I'm just gonna put one P more than whoever is in the lead Yeah, but are you good for it Lolly? Oh, yeah cash if you got well, I'm sitting on two thousand pounds What you mean? In cash. What? I just thought, just have a backup. Have two rams. I've emptied out.

Here we go. I mean, let's tuck into this. It's probably the best task in the whole of series four um i would say so uh task one part one but obviously does not say part one on the on the task that would be terrible that is key something else is gonna happen now make the most exotic sandwich you have 10 minutes to plan your exotic sandwich then 10 minutes to construct it your time starts now and of course part two as we know now is eat your exotic sandwich fastest wins your time starts now i mean everything that happens in this is funny i was i in fact i said last week that i think the hiding might be my favorite task in this series but i think i think

it's the exotic sandwich i think i mean this this feels like evolution of taskmaster in some ways because i think this is the first two parts is it yeah interesting and it feels like because i think up to this point in the show you assume if you are going to make a bit of food you you assume it's going to be eaten by Alex. Yes. Yeah, of course. You're assuming if you're making, you know,

you make an alphabet thing and you can make Alex eat dog food or toothpaste pie. This feels like the first time where it's like you're getting the contestants to create their own weapon and then making them fire it on themselves. Yeah.

Oh, that's such a great call because obviously in this situation i would have deliberately made the most disgusting fucking thing ever because i'm thinking i'm gonna eat it it'll be so funny i'll put like a thousand eggs in it or something and but of course no but then also it's good because even though you do have to eat it you're still rewarded for making the maddest thing like there's even if you knew you had to eat it and you made something deliberately like palatable you're not going to get the points from there yes that's true if you do a hugh dennis you mean uh the hugh dennis

system um the classic hugh dennis system who thinks which okay well let's talk you can make let's let's talk about hughes because i think he was marked down harshly because that is not something you can get in Marks and Spencers you could find all the ingredients for it in Marks and Spencers, sure but I think he's done quite well in the exotic he's taken all over the world so you go round the world with Hughes sandwich so this

I fully agree and I think that as much as I love Mel if you're saying exotic the question is Mel's decided that exotic means decadent and he's decided that exotic means exotic. Exotic does mean from a distant and foreign land. Yes. And it's like, in that sense, it feels a little bit like, oh, but like he has gone, he has

gone across the you know he got moroccan flatbread he went to different countries i yeah sashimi halloumi parma ham salmon banana kiwi that it feels exotic it's not his fault that all those things are delicious you know yeah yeah exactly exactly and obviously he ate the most. Because I would happily eat that. He made a good sandwich apart from the kiwi and banana. Well, did he make... Because I couldn't work it out. Did he do two?

I think he divided them into savory and sweet, right? So yeah, it was very palatable. The fact that he then didn't finish it is mad. The fact that he was like, oh no, I'm done. It's this very nice thing that i've made for myself yeah i'm finished with it well maybe it was just after lunch or something maybe um you know and the guy the guys he thought that was the task yeah um let's talk i mean let's okay let's talk about lollies because that was pretty pretty straight down the line i thought it was very good um and i love the frankfurters and prawns never seen together it looked it had

too many things coming off it for it to look like a good sandwich so i think that it had that it had that going for it like it had you know the sparklers and and i think she was thinking of the final like image she was thinking okay that'll and then it'll cut back to the studio and that'll be great she wasn't thinking i have to eat this now which i think again is is such a satisfying thing and you can sort of see what they assume is going to happen yeah which is a good lesson for anyone preparing a drink or food for anyone imagine having to eat something with sparklers in so anywhere if if ever i go anywhere and they put a sparkler in something or one of those stupid drinks with all stuff hanging out of them,

they've not thought about the fact someone has to eat it or drink it. So stop it. Are we on off-menu? Yeah, it feels like that's a sort of B-list off-menu rant. Joe's was absolutely foul. He just went disgusting. I don't think it was exotic. I don't think you can say smoked trout is exotic.

Can you? Well, if it was from a far and distant land, I guess smoked trout feels sort of Scandinavian, doesn't it, in a way? And he had tequila Arctic roll from the Arctic, famously. Spring rolls, lambuna, pomegranate. I think he went in a similar direction to Hugh, but it was so much more disgusting.

That's what got it a point. It was grim. That's really grim. Putting an Arctic roll next to it as a side dish was very funny. Were you supposed to eat... Wait, I guess he didn't... Did he eat the Arctic roll?

He got two points for eating some of the sandwich. I think he nibbled on the corners of it. I don't think he really ate much of that sandwich at all. That's fair. I don't think I think probably production were quite happy he didn't eat that sandwich. That's exactly the sort of thing I would do and just eat the whole thing to prove a point

and I'd end up being sick for the rest of the day. And that's why you're top of the leaderboard constantly. That's why I'm top of the leaderboard because I've got, no, shame. Okay, let's talk about, I mean, these are both so funny. Let's talk about Knowles first. The only one to take exotic

and bring it outside of food, really. And I thought this was very clever and very funny. This was very clever and funny. And also I think it worked it worked really well putting it at the end it's again brilliant editing and everything yeah because also you can see while alex is being made to do the exotic dance you can just see in the back of his mind he's thinking how are we going to do part two of this and you can hear the audience are just like they cannot wait to see what's gonna happen

how is this gonna work what is what is gonna happen on this tv this this prime time tv show i just love as well the way alex looks with bread tied around his head he looked like the bfg he's just so funny with with bread on his head i mean mean, okay, so you could argue. So if you're, well, the bread wasn't particularly exotic. No. The filling danced exotic. But arguably that wasn't inside the bread. No.

No. So. But I guess if you take Alex as the sandwich, he has become a sandwich. He's dancing exotically. I loved it. I was very, very happy with that as the most exotic sandwich. Oh, sure.

I'm trying to think in my head if I ordered an exotic sandwich and it was a man on a plate dancing with a bit of bread. Yeah, no, I'd be happy. I think you want to see more skin really i wish alex had maybe you know if his bum was out i would have been happier i think genuinely series six onwards he would have been naked yeah yeah exactly yeah series the cake was the tipping point god knows what's going to happen in series 12 um there's gonna be all sorts going on. But it was great. And I think clipping Alex's beard and eating Alex's beard and a bit of bread

was commitment beyond commitment. Here's my problem though, Jack. Noel got a bonus point for eating Alex's beard. He then received a point for eating some of the sandwich that is the same point he shouldn't have got seven points he should have got six points could you have made the argument that he could have just eaten the bread interesting but then that wouldn't that's not eating the sandwich though is it no technically yeah that's just eating the bread but then i guess you could also say that that joe ate nibbled around the sandwich did he actually eat much of the filling probably not yeah yeah i mean

he only got two points for eating it but i i feel like eating alex's beard and eating some of the sandwich are the same point i don't think he deserved that extra point but it was it was very funny so it was very funny and i also i think i think there's definitely a part where noel could have said i'm not doing this i i don't yeah i need to eat a man's beard i'm about to do bake off i'm fine from a future baker presenter to a past bake off presenter i've been saving mel till last in this because i think the moment she discovers the second part of the task is probably what i would show someone if they asked me to show them a bit of taskmaster and they'd never seen it before. O-Gang is I think the pinnacle of this whole series. There's nothing funnier she could say at that moment. No because there's no anger, there's no swearing, it's just she knows what's about to happen.

And she's... Oh, gang. Oh, gang. It's also the idea of like, we're all in this together. We all have to witness it. I'm going to do it and you have to see it. Oh, gang. Her sandwich, chocolate spread, Turkish delight, Twix, chocolate orange, double decker, crunchy, M& crunchy m&ms maltesers and torched marshmallow i mean i i mean i said like there was something last week i said about this but this whole task would be an absolute diabetic nightmare for me i was i was gonna this is surely

the end for you well this is the end and i would absolutely do it as well uh i would try and eat it um and just the the fact she tries to tuck into it and it's so unwieldy and so disgusting. And it is just, I think someone says it on the episode. It's like if like a seven-year-old was told to cook their own dinner. It really is. And it's the fact that she,

the way she tries to eat it, she like smushes it down like an accordion and then moves it around. It's like how I imagine if you actually tried to eat a scooby-doo snack is how you'd get on with it in real life rather than being able to push it all in one go just to eat it like a massive corn on the cob it's just horrible and just like bits of sweet going in her nose i mean that i'd forgotten about that bit that there's an eminem fully rammed up and not and alex wearing his bow tie his smartest imagine it like the idea that he would be like in this show i'm gonna make mel gedroich uh shove an eminem up her nose while i wear a bow tie

oh it's just perfect. It's such a perfect moment. It's also the perfect encapsulation of Mel. I feel like that is Mel on the show. She's just so enthusiastic and so positive about it. And as you say, there's no anger. There's no sorrow. It's just, this is what has to happen now.

And I accept that. Oh, gag. This is so good. Right. Chocolate spread. Good layer of the chocolate orange. A little breadski. Double deckers.

A bit more of the Nutella. Let's go for the crunchy. Three minutes. Three minutes? What? Let's do some M&M's. Maltese. I can see why people get stressed out on these cookery shows.

This is absolutely, appallingly stressful. Just bronzing up the marshmallows. That, to me, is like a sort of Japanese pagoda. Can I give you this as well, Mel? Yes. To say thank you. Is that for me? Yes. The G is like a sort of Japanese pagoda. LAUGHTER Can I give you this as well, Mel? Yes. To say thank you. Is that for me? Yes. Thank you. Eat your exotic sandwich, fastest ones. APPLAUSE

Final line, please, Mel. What does the task say, Mel? ma'am. What's the task say now? Time starts now. Okay. Oh, gang. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge indigenous cultures.

Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow. Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future.

Task two, strike one of these objects. Baby rubber duck coconut ping pong ball the furthest distance is one of the other objects snooker q swimming noodle large novelty pencil you have three strikes with the chosen object with it was there any instincts when you watch this jack about what you would have gone for so i i mean it sounds like a cliche because just because we saw it i think it would have to be cheese and it had to be baby bell and yeah i think pool cue there's nothing else really no the the swimming noodle is is entirely perfunctionary i don't know who is looking at that and thinking yep that's for me but i guess they just i mean think of the people who've been on taskmaster there's definitely people in previous seasons and the season since then who would have panicked and used the pool

noodle, right? There wasn't a rule that was as soon as you touch it you have to use it, was there? No, there wasn't, no. Okay, because I feel like that would have been because I reckon Mel would have accidentally touched it and then would have been like, oh no, oh gang. That feels like the sort of

rule that was brought in after this when they had these objects to be like let's really try and screw someone over um but yeah i feel like you're right i feel like it has to be baby bell and snooker q but then would i have eventually panics and gone for i think snooker q there's no other object there that you would you would have gone for rubber duck maybe and snooker q um well so i was thinking about one thing it's because i'm i'm not good at like hitting things like in golf yeah that's that's how that's the term by the way uh hitting things like in golf yeah uh i'm i'm better at kicking things so i i was wondering do you think i could have strapped the pencil to my foot interesting and then and then kicked

something and that would have counted as long as the pencil was the thing connecting with the thing i reckon so i reckon so here's my question about this they maybe would have stopped me doing this on the technicality strike one of these objects the furthest distance with one of the other objects. You have three strikes with your chosen object. They all did one strike, took it back, had another go,

took it back, had another go. Could you just strike it three times? Like actual golf? Yeah. So smash it as far as you can. Run up to it,

smash it again and then smash it again and then measure the distance from wherever it lands on the after the third go that's interesting i i guess technically there's nothing in the rules that it doesn't say you have one attempt does it yeah no and it's not saying you have to go back again no i mean maybe that was something that was just implicit when they were there on the day that they had well do you think because they had the flag do you think that threw people off because they were aiming for that flag so don't go beyond that flag but then that doesn't make sense because

they're measuring it from i don't know i think you might be right could have would have been worth a shot would have been worth a shot um do you think you still would have got anywhere near no god no god no absolutely not no i would have i would have come forth um but uh it's one of those things sometimes when you're filming a task you'll be like oh can i do this and alex will just be like no no come on just just play play the game in front of you just stop trying to ruin it for everyone um so let's talk about people's uh people's attempts i mean lolly's the only one to not use the snooker cue, and it shows.

It's the large novelty pencil and the coconut, which is a crazy decision. You may as well use the swimming noodle and the ping pong ball. That is madness from Lolly. It's really upsetting to watch. Because if that really shows you, amazing at the prize toss, like you say, the best at prize house in taskmaster

history and then you see her doing something practical you're like now i can see how it all fell apart it's just it's like there's just you you she would genuinely been better off switching them around so that she was trying to hit the pencil as far as possible with the coconut that would have been easier yeah because the chance that you're actually going to be able to because the coconut's huge and it drops really quickly even if you make contact it's going to roll a tiny bit yeah god yeah it's very frustrated to watch it's very funny but of course i mean they give they say it went 25 centimeters but she didn't actually connect with it so it does it it doesn't count really

it should be no points yeah it should have been disqualification um but you can't i mean you've just got to give her the point because it's not like she's going to beat anyone else um joe also she's sad enough at the end yeah exactly yeah joe uses the coconut as well with the snooker key which is also crazy because the coconut is so heavy but i well see okay so part of me was wondering if you because because obviously if you catch the baby bell right then it's going to go far but if you if you're worried that you're not going to catch it you can hit the snooker cue onto the coconut and it will explode but bits will go further so i can see the logic i can just

about see the logic the talk this is what i think the task is strike one of these objects oh is that the object if it's only a part of the coconut i mean they do get they do give it to joe it's only part of the coconut though and they measure the bit that went the furthest it doesn't feel like that's the object if if i sent you to the shops to buy me a coconut and you came back with a shard of coconut i'd be i'd be angry jack that's that's true and you'd be right to yeah i mean yeah but then are you saying that as soon as he hits the coconut and it explodes that's it that's game over yeah yeah it's not intact it's no longer the object he's destroyed the object um or you measure everywhere it went and add it all up yeah the winner yeah it went so much distance

yeah look at all the distance it went it doesn't say you can't change the object that you're striking it only says you have three strikes with your chosen object it doesn't say on your chosen object so i think you could probably have another go i thought when he exploded the coconut i thought he was going to move on to something else yeah i thought i think he could have done i think he could have done but i think he assumed that he couldn't do but he got the three points anyway uh mel uses a snooker key and ping pong ball rubbish what is that don't use the ping pong ball that's definitely someone going like this looks the most like golf yeah just from visibility i'll be like yeah that's that's gonna be that's gonna go far i suppose so awful attempt from mel um you gotta say terrible stuff from mel two points but let's

let's talk about hugh and noel who both really really came into their own here we saw hugh use the snooker cue and the baby bell and i really thought that's got to be it hasn't it he's absolutely nailed that he did so well he did so well and and it it really looked like he'd done it and it felt like this was the because obviously there are quite a few bits in the show where hugh is like he like transcends his terribleness and sort of becomes as amazing and it felt like this is going to be another one of those moments where you're like yes he's done it he's done it again i mean we've talked about noel a lot on this series particularly within his sort of sport his sporting prowess and just his ease at doing certain physical things and he just sort of like

lollops around just like it's like he's magic he just like the there's there was the bread last week um uh bringing alex's dinner uh and then and now this is just like it's almost like he's making no effort and it just sails it's so perfect it's one of the most amazing things i think i've seen in in sport i think you do you're a sports guy I'm a sports guy I like sport and that is up there with some of the like it's it's just it I think it's helped by the fact that the show puts the little graphic on it as well yeah of course yeah yeah and and I think they should they definitely should because it looks so good it looks like something out of a video game yeah it's so good sales and it made me when I a video game. Yeah, it's so good.

And it made me, when I saw that, it made me want to have a go at hitting a baby bell with a Snooker key because just the weight of it is so satisfying. And I feel like there was a sound as well. Maybe I'm just imagining the sound, but it seemed to be like a... And then... Yeah. Beautiful.

And that's when Greg decides that Noel is an absolute lad and calls him Tony Three Pies, which is the title of this episode. And Alex says to Noel that it's the best thing he's ever done in his life, which I think any other time would seem like an absolute insult. But on this occasion, I think Alex says that as a big fan of all of Nels Ouvra,

but the crowning achievement is hitting a baby of old, the snooker cue, 29.6 metres. It seems, I think often with these, I mean, I don't know how it is when Alex reacts at the end of a task. It seems like Alex usually will just go, thanks very much, Ed.

Thank you. Oh yeah, there's no... Well, no, that's interesting some certainly on camera um but then you go into your little dressing room if you're in the house and he will come in and give his genuine like oh I thought that was good what play by play I enjoyed that not play by play just a general like well done oh that was good or that was funny or something but of course he can he's free to do that because certainly i'm not weirdly normally first when i did uh our series i was kind of often the guinea pig for tasks um so he can react because he doesn't know how everyone's done yet so he would never come in and say well that was good or you'd be watch out for everyone's done really well on that he'd never do that he would react to it so you do get some feedback

from alex but never i've never been told that's the best thing you've ever done in your life but on on camera as well yeah that is it that's your pinnacle from alex who's usually so quiet and so calm just being like yeah you've peaked so let's i mean it was so it was one point for lolly of course two points for mel three points for joe four points for hugh and five points for noel hugh looks so sad at the end of that can i just say in the in the studio task you could just see he looked absolutely beaten because that is a classic example of one where he must have thought that is so in the bag there's no way anyone's beaten me there. I've nailed that. And for Noel to do it with exactly the same stuff as well.

And in one go. And then just be like, yeah, I'm done. First time. First time, best time. And they barely talked about Hugh as a result. Hugh just sort of sat there being like, uh-huh, uh-huh, okay. And, you know, he was beaten by

nearly five metres, or more than five metres, sorry, nearly six metres. That's a lot. But 24 metres from Hugh is still good. It's really good. We'd be talking,

it would be the title of the episode if it wasn't for what Noel did. Tony Three Pies. No. Poor Hugh. Wow! It's weird, isn't it?

Before this show, I'd sort of thought of you as this weird art nymph, but the more I see you, you're just a lad. Just like, that's a wig. All those clothes are just for telly at the weekend. They call you Tony Three Pies and you're like, ooh, come on, boys.

How far did he hit it? He hit it 29 metres, well, 123 sausages. Incredible. Task three, do something surprising with this rubber duck. Most surprising wins. You have ten minutes to plan your surprising thing, then ten minutes to do it. Your time now it's a good it's a good task i love these open-ended ones uh this was so open-ended this might be the most open and also the most like everyone's

decisions were so completely random like everyone made so many different decisions yes it's similar to the um the one the one in the last episode of your series the chickpea chickpea it's got similar vibes to the chickpea because yeah because it's surprising and was it absurd with the chickpea yeah i guess it's sort of they're in the same mold aren't they i think what absurd has over surprising is absurd meant that everyone was like okay we'll do some we'll do like a recorded task so yeah it was all everyone decided to do a recorded thing whereas here it has a kind of weird disjointed energy because like uh mel's i mean mel's bizarre we won't talk about mel yet because that's so weird what mel does but like like joe joe brings his duck to the studio and like hugh brings his duck to the studio and does a really

weird thing with it like it feels very like all over the place in a good way but i think yeah yeah it's just also ended so they have 10 minutes to plan their surprising thing then 10 minutes to do it so bringing it to the studio studio feels like an odd thing to do because... I think that. It's not 10 minutes, is it? I mean, I guess they can then prepare their thing in 10 minutes,

but then there is a long time in between the tasks in the studio, so... Yeah, it doesn't feel in the spirit of the game, does it? No. It feels like you've given yourself a lot... Because I don't believe that... Well, do I? I suppose I was going to say I don't believe that Hugh did that in 10 minutes, but actually I do. i don't believe that well do i i suppose i was gonna i was gonna

say i don't believe that hugh did that in 10 minutes but actually i do i do i do yeah but i don't necessarily believe that joe ordered bought an overnight stay in a timber yurt in 10 minutes and then got a voucher and taped it to the bottom of the duck that doesn't feel but it is a good idea and it is it is surprising but then it becomes it's sort of turning the time in the same way that noel turned the prize task into an art task joe is sort of turning this uh you know absurd task into a gift task it's very like people people taking tasks and twist them all about but it is a good idea joe shouldn't have done that because maybe lolly should have turned into a prize task so you know she's very people people taking tasks and twist them all about but it is a good idea joe shouldn't have

done that because maybe lolly should have turned into a prize task so you know she's very good at the prize task this exactly much this was um this is really sweet from lolly uh but it was almost quite it was it's not it felt very much in her oeuvre yes which i think i think was a downside to what the actual is literally the one thing you shouldn't do if it yeah if it needs to be surprising you need either the surprising needs to relate to the fact no one would expect you to do that or the actual thing you do with the duck is surprising outside of that if you see what i mean neither of those were true of lollies and if it was most beautiful fly yeah ducks do fly exactly it's even for a duck it's not surprising yeah

but if it was like most uh touching or uh most beautiful i think she she might win for that uh because it's a lot of fun it was a. It was the way she looked up and went, it's so emotional. She should have looked up and gone, it's so surprising. I suppose it's surprising how emotional putting a duck in a basket is. That could be argued.

You could argue that. In a way, you could argue that it's so surprising that she did something so unsurprising. Yeah. that in a way you could argue that it's so surprising that she did something so unsurprising yeah um yeah our poor lolly i think yeah she missed out on that one um i mean the hughes is just it's not surprising it's not surprising at all to me that hugh did that and brought brought it into the studio because he's done that with all his prize tasks to have had it in his hand most of the time and he's turned it up so it goes moo i mean it's just it's not that's classic hugh i would say moo dennis i call him absolute moo dennis there the the best bit about that was when hugh said to uh i think to the whole studio he said uh what noise do ducks make and uh mel from behind went quack quack quack

enthusiastic to the very end uh mel that was great um so not good not good from you it's the vital task of the whole series um joe we've discussed i think it was good i think the only issue for me was the 10 minutes thing i I think other than that, it might be my favourite one. Just because it's so funny that it's an overnight stay in a timber yurt. That's so perfectly picked. So Greg said he's definitely going to do it. Do you think Greg did that? That's worth looking into.

I'm not sure. I wouldn't usually call up on this, but he made a point of saying most people would, you know, would take that and then not do it. I'm going to do it. Yeah. But then I just can't imagine it.

I can't imagine Greg in a year. I just can't. He'd have to, he'd have to curl up like a Gumball and sausage. No, uh, marries the duck with Tim Key acting as Vicar. Um,

it is good. It's not surprising for Noel. As Greg says, we're not surprised that's something you know that's like a boosh deleted scene marrying a duck yeah the thing the thing i did like about that which i hadn't noticed until i watched it again have you noticed who's on the um and the you know the groom's side and the bride's side on the on noel's side you've got like side. No. On Noel's side, you've got members of the crew, and it's very sweet. On the groom's side, you've got several rubber ducks and then one chicken leg.

Which is very weird. That's surprising. It's surprising you'd invite half a bit of chicken to your wedding. Yeah. So that level of detail, I think you can't give that low points because even though it might not be surprising for Noel,

it is funny and it's very well put together and it's very well planned. Lovely to see Tim Key popping up as well. He's wearing a hat that says boy. The traditional vicar garb. Yeah. Maybe the most surprising thing for Noel to do would just be something really normal.

I think we've said this before on the podcast. To take everyone by surprise, he should have just had a bath with a duck, maybe. Wearing regular pyjamas. Yeah. Having a normal time, doing his taxes. Now, I don't know why this got five points from Mel. I don't know what happened.

I don't know what it was. I don't know what the aim was. So there's a man called Morello, who's a courier. Had she ordered Morello? This is not explained at all. There is so much that needs to be unpacked that should have been unpacked about this. But they were just like, oh yeah, Morello's here that they weren't just like oh yeah morello's here now don't worry guys morello's here because the impression that was given was that she just walked outside the gate and morello was just there and that she had nothing to do with morello and then she distracted morello put a duck in

brought morello in made him look in there and give his reaction to finding a duck in in his bike right yeah that's what happened and and also okay so all of the distraction that all happened off camera as well so we have no idea how well that the main the main thing the main thing that would tie all of this together did not happen on camera it was just you could just hear mel saying oh hi morello um yeah yeah good to see you morello and just a little shuffling it's so it's so weird and it's so creepy and it's so odd it's really bizarre and then also there's definitely a feeling when she's talking to morello that they've talked before and she said you just need to say you sound really surprised it's so

set up and awkward and poor morello got no fucking idea what's going on um so i guess the surprising element of it is she thinks the surprising element is she's surprising morello by putting a duck there but i think she gets the points because it's a surprising thing for her to do but i guess the whole thing's surprising that it's ever happened that it got on this tv show in the final task of the whole series fantastic series that this is the final bit that is surprising yeah it's it's so i i do feel a lot of sympathy for morello and i feel like he's part of now where he's he might be the original person who's been dragged into the taskmaster house to complete a task it must have been maybe there's someone else before well who who else has there been since? Well, you've got Johnny Vegas pulling in a guy

to push through a Christmas tree. And then I suppose technically in season 11, you've got Lee Mack, but then it's outside the house. Gives the toilet roll to the person. Yeah, inside the house is a different thing, I guess. I guess a lot of Uber drivers and stuff. Yeah, and then there was the person who picked up Mark Watson's water cooler

and promised he would travel all around the UK with it. And he absolutely didn't. Yeah, I mean, poor old Morello. But there we go. Very surprising. I just feel like we can't even talk about it because there we go. Very surprising. I just feel like we can't even talk about it because there's no frame of reference to know what's going on.

I feel like there needs to be some sort of Reddit breakdown of it like a David Lynch film so I can immediately read it and work out what I've just seen. But regardless, she gets the five points. I think if this was the five points that won her the series, I feel like there'd be a lot more to talk about, but luckily it doesn't really affect the placings.

Although, it puts her above Hugh. It puts her above Hugh. She beats Hugh in the series by five points. I mean, there's a lot to unpick there. I mean, this may be pertinent. Who the fuck was Moreau? Where did he come from? I met him outside. Super chap.

Seemed like a nice chap. Very amenable. I'm going to say he seemed baffled. The live task is to draw the median duck. The median duck alone wins. You have 100 seconds. Winner takes all. There'll also be a bonus point draw the median duck. The median duck alone wins. You have 100 seconds. Winner takes all. There'll also be a bonus point for the best duck picture.

I would really be panicking at this one. Yeah, I feel like Mel had a bit of a breakdown in this episode by the end of it. Because she really loses it. There's the only time in the series where I think Mel properly loses it. She's like, how do I fucking know who's the median duck? I'm like, yeah, that's literally the point of the show. Well, good, fine.

I don't know what the tactic is. There isn't. I guess you just have to think who's going to do what. I think it's guessing what everyone's doing. We had a second longest snake in one of our think who's going to do what. I think it's guessing what everyone's doing. We had a second longest snake in one of our live tasks.

So you've just got to try and pitch it exactly in the middle or exactly second. It's very, very hard and it is just luck, really. I think the second largest snake it's not easier because I was going to say you just do a lot and then take a little bit off

yeah but then everyone's doing that yeah yeah yeah then you're in trouble it was the fact that that joe decided to do an absolutely tiny duck yeah i was like well who's gonna have done a smaller duck than that joe very well i understand his point of writing the median duck he's trying to hack it right and say that yeah this duck is the median duck because he's written it on it but then just to cover yourself do a medium-sized duck exactly because he might still win in that scenario but if they don't like the median duck thing there's no way you're winning with that tiny little duck it's true it's it's it's such a it's also not a great hack.

It is just writing something. No, but he's panicked and he's tried. But annoyingly, Mel also wrote Median Duck, Comedian Duck. No, Comedian Duck. Sorry. Yeah, Comedian Duck. Which I don't know what... The state of that deserves. Yeah.

This is the person who in the last episode in the prize task called bananas all tied up together so i think basically the prize tasks really bring out the punster in mel do you think that's an that's an interesting thing because like you're you're alive you're trying to impress people and you know you're having to do you've talked about this on the show before. Do you think that is just Mel's natural reaction? It's like, there's an audience. I've got to make a joke.

Yeah. I guess so. Pushed into a corner. And doesn't know that she can win the task. There's no way of really knowing. So she's like, well, maybe if I throw in Benunting or Comedian Duck, then that might be enough. Which it is on this occasion. She does get the Median Duck. That's five points. And a bonus point, then that might be enough. Which it is in this occasion.

She does get the median duck. That's five points. And a bonus point, of course, for Noel for the best duck because it's an art task. It's subjective. Noel gets the point. That's how it works. So the final scores.

For that episode, Mel wins with 21 points. Noel gets 20. Another solid performance from Noel. Joe on 16. Hugh and Lolly languishing on 13, which means Noel wins the series. Joe comes second. Mel comes third.

Hugh comes fourth. And Lolly comes bottom. What a series, though. I think it's an absolute classic I mean I said this last week but it's laying the groundwork for series 5 in terms of the roles that people play and how dedicated people are

to it and it's a bit of a classic Taskmaster series series 4 I think I think it's right up there I think series 5 is probably the one where it seems to explode. The show seems to, it takes on its own level, but I think series four often gets overlooked as a result.

Yes, I think you're right. Yeah. Because people are like, yeah, get to Nish, get to Mark. I want to get that song. But there's so much good stuff in series four. It's weird because I think this does this just gives you that better. Because I think if you do a five episode series of this, you're not getting the repeated jokes that Hugh's always coming

last in the prize task, you're not getting like a lot. You probably would have fewer team tasks, which means you get less desk. You probably get less of the bath. You wouldn't build up to the get less of the bath. You know, like you wouldn't build up to that, the craziness of the bath task. Yeah. Where the other team completely melts down. It just, it feels like the ingredients are all there.

And so it's all popping. Thank you very much, Jack. You will be hauled back on here, I'm sure, at some point with more stats, please. So please rate the podcast between one and five points in the style of the Taskmaster. Please, Jack Bernhardt. Oh, it's got to be a five again, hasn't it?

It'd be bad. Imagine if it had gone down. That'd be terrible. Oh, that would be awful. That's one for the stats. I was only on like six episodes ago. What if I said like. Oh, that would be awful. That's one for the stats. I was only on like six episodes ago. What if I said like, oh, it's one now. Oh my god.

What's happened? Thank you very much for coming on. Thank you very much for giving it five points. Jack, we'll see you again sometime soon. Goodbye. Bye. Thank you for having me. There we have it. Another great episode of the taskmaster podcast discussing another great episode of taskmaster it's all great stuff um jack was an excellent guest as always i'm sure he will be back

on the podcast uh at some point uh do go and check out his podcast which is the football book club where they break down footballers autobiographies it's very funny i don't know anything about football uh but i enjoy it's a podcast so that should tell you everything that you need to know go and check it out uh other things i'm on tour next year the show's called electric go on to ed gamble.co.uk to buy tickets for that i'm going everywhere and i know there are some people sat in some places going you're not coming to me ed it's like no i i i know i'm sorry i'm not literally going everywhere i'm going to as many places as it's possible for a human to go to in that amount of time um also we will be back with the taskmaster podcast soon i don't know exactly when there's a little break now we're going to have uh because

we are waiting for series 12 to start we will be back soon to chat all about series 12 brand new series of taskmaster we will be with you every step of the way with an episode after every episode to break down discuss what just happened it's an amazing new lineup i cannot wait to see it and fingers crossed we'll be doing that very soon but for now thank you very much for listening bye now. Thank you very much for listening. Bye-bye. We can learn from indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth. Or we can demand more from ourselves. At York University, we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow.

Join us at yorku.ca slash write the future.