Taskmaster The Podcast - Ep 76. Desiree Burch - S13 Ep.1

Episode Date: April 14, 2022

Hooray! Series 13 of Taskmaster has arrived and joining Ed to discuss the first episode is the wonderful comedian, actress and S12 contestant - Desiree Burch! Desiree and Ed dig deep in to the first ep of the series and share their thoughts and predictions about the contestants. Watch Taskmaster every Thursday at 9pm on Channel 4.Watch all of Taskmaster on All 4www.channel4.com/programmes/taskmaster Visit the Taskmaster Store for all your TM goodies!taskmasterstore.com Visit the Taskmaster YouTube Channelyoutube.com/taskmaster Get in touch with Ed and future guests:[e-mail] Taskmaster the Podcast is Produced by Daisy Knight for AvalonTelevision Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer. I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated

category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario. It's Ed Gamble here. You may be able to sense excitement in my voice because it is an exciting day on the Taskmaster podcast because we are starting a new series. It's series 13 has just started showing on channel 4 and we're here to talk about it week by week. You have hopefully just watched episode 1 of series 13 and what a kickoff episode it was. That's what we'll be talking about today with our very special guest Desiree

Birch. Desiree Birch of course from series 12 of Taskmaster. So she has very recent memories about what it was like to be in the lineup. And I can't wait for Desiree to join me and chat through this new lineup together. But I have other news, exciting Taskmaster Universe news, because this podcast is now not the only podcast in the official Taskmaster Podcast cinematic universe. No, we welcome a new podcast baby to the family Taskmaster podcast the people's podcast the people's podcast will celebrate everything from the Taskmaster universe it's hosted by drumroll not me Lou Sanders Lou Sanders champion of series eight and each week Lou will be talking to a Taskmaster super fan who will share how the

show has changed their life taken over their life and how it's a big focus in the fun that they have in the first episode Lou will be talking to Nathan Good who is the first person to complete the Taskmaster book and by that I mean go through all the tasks and do all the tasks not the first person to finish reading it uh that wouldn't that wouldn't that impressive. Lou will also be joined by Jack Bernhardt who has been on this podcast many times. He's a Taskmaster expert, a Taskmaster statistician and I'll never say that word right. And he goes head to head in a Taskmaster themed quiz

called Askmaster. You've got to pronounce that correctly. Askmaster. There'll be behind the scenes news, interviews with the crew and a chance for fans to get in touch and share their favourite Taskmaster moments. the people's podcast will be released every week and you can listen to it wherever you get your podcasts and of course don't forget about us just

because there's a new brilliant podcast you just add it to your rotor keep coming back here every week thursday at 10 p.m straight after the main show is broadcast on channel 4 at 9 p.m to catch up and hear everything that happened in that episode discussed at length by me and my special guests. Woo that's a lot of admin but we're gonna crack on now let's chat to Desiree Birch about series 13 episode 1. Welcome back Desiree to the Taskmaster podcast. Thank you so much for having me back I feel so honored. Of course, you did a wonderful job last time.

So we couldn't not have you back to chat about series 13, despite, of course, you're not in this series. Does that fill your heart with sadness when you watch a new lineup? I think every subsequent series that I won't be in will fill my heart with sadness, as well as all the ones that came before that I couldn't have been in

because I had all the right answers uh so yes yeah I would imagine everybody who watches the next series goes like oh I know what I've what I've done or that seems like fun or I wish I could have done that one yeah I mean specifically for you I guess it's watching the studio uh records and everyone's sat close to each other and there's an audience. Everyone's together like a pack of dogs or something in a kennel, just all on top of each other, just sucking in everybody's spike proteins like nothing ever happened. What is that about?

So infuriating. So rather than actually, I thought you'd be jealous of them that they got to sit together and there was an audience. than that. You seem to disrespect them a little bit. They're sitting together like, oh, yeah, we're fine. We've all got shots. Nothing's going on. No, I mean, I'd be a little bit jealous. Could you tell? But I mean, I don't know, because I feel like once you get back in the pack, you're you're competing with each other. Because I feel like once you get back in the pack, you're competing with each other.

Whereas when you're far away, you're just trying to get Greg's love. Yeah. Which, I mean, is the point of the show. But I think there's a little bit more like your elbows can reach to the others when you're sat together. So I feel like they're already starting to go in on each other a little bit. They are. That's such a good point.

Yeah. I think, yeah, you did go in on each other a bit bit. They are. That's such a good point. Yeah. I don't, I think, yeah, you did go in on each other a bit, but it was a very friendly series. Yeah. And everyone felt like they were supporting each other a bit. In this one,

it's episode one. Ardell gets stuck in almost immediately to other people's efforts. And then they're, they're slagging each other off. I mean, it's great. Both of those techniques I'm on board with, but yeah,

it's maybe it's the closeness of the seating. I think, well, I mean, it's great. Both of those techniques I'm on board with. But yeah, maybe it's the closeness of the seating. I think, well, I mean, you know, in season 12, like in series 12, you couldn't see. But we were all in those little glass tanks that shoot money up from the bottom. We were completely separated from each other. So we were just reaching out for any kind of human contact. We were happy to have gotten it. It was really lovely. any kind of human contact which means we were happy to have gotten it was really lovely but yeah arnold like right off i mean one wonders if he realized what the point of the show was after he recorded all of the vts and then was just like well i just gotta go for the jugular each and

every episode to see if i can you know get my points back up even though he knows what's coming when he knows what what he's got he's like i I'm going to have to go all guns blazing. It is amazing. So the first prize task of series 13, very exciting. It's all kicking off. The first prize task is the thing that if you found it in a skip, you would be most excited by. I mean, I wish that someone had asked me

this question my entire life i lived in new york for 13 years and my entire existence came off of the curb i i when i left new york i was like i didn't buy any of this at all and some of it is fantastic what's the best what's the best stuff you found on the street or in a skip? A green velvet couch was the best thing I found on the street. And it was amazing because I lived in Astoria, which is in Queens, a neighborhood of New York. So it was a 15 minute walk because this was three avenues over. I was walking down my own street and was like, there was like a ginormous like i want to say it was at least eight feet long um you know like you could luxuriate all on this couch and still have a friend sitting there like with your head in their lap sitting there um and i'm just like real

insight into your home life there desiree yes exactly invite people over just some friends watch a bit of tv and you you lay straight lay straight into the lap and i'm like are we still friends now are we still friends or would you like to leave um so um i was living on the second floor and my room i would have been my roommate at the time no it was my poor friend kyle god bless him he will be my friend forever because he helped me carry this couch like three avenues to my place and then in through three separate doors and it was so heavy like just like t-shirt soakingly heavy um that yeah when we got it inside i was like well i'm never moving and yeah kyle was like i will never move this couch again so you either live here till you die or you burn this couch upon exiting um i did leave it for my roommate when i left so she inherited the trauma my um my worry with

things like that especially with furniture that you find that it's going to have some sort of bugs in it oh of course it's going to stink or it's going to have a dead dog in one of the cushions something like that you know yes but i guess once you've held it close to your chest and hurled it up two flights of stairs you feel like you've embraced it enough to go like, I know this couch and it's okay. You just tell yourself that. They're your bugs now. You know, when you've ever gone to another, yes, they're my bugs. These are my scabies now and we are one.

I maybe put some baking soda on the couch and then vacuumed it off like that does anything. It's all just this magical thinking. You know, like if you ever travel to like a place and you stay in a hotel that's like three stars at a push, you know, and you like, you walk in and you're like, well, this is a hole, you know? And then after a day you're like, oh, it's kind of cute. And then by the end you're like, I'm gonna miss this old dump.

Like, it's that, it's just about like proximity and time. And it took us 45 minutes to carry it just up the blocks before we got it to, because we had to like stop and put it down every, you know, 20 steps or something. So yeah, at that point, we knew that couch very intimately. If there were skavies to be had, we had them already. So we may as well enjoy the couch. Or I'd be worried about crime scene, about it being a crime being a crime scene yeah i mean we did sit on it first so if there was going to be blood that came pouring out of it we would have found that i would have gone over it

with a black light as well just yeah oh no don't don't ever go over anything you love with a black light you are especially clean and um you know uh discerning uh if you really fancy something on the streets of new york you need to not look a gift horse in the mouth the face or even like directly you have to look at it from the side and be like i have a horse just pick up the horse and take it back yeah exactly and twist it through three different doors it's gonna be great so here's the prize task was if you found it in a skip, you'd be most excited by it. I think all of them brought in things that they had found in a skip. Which is, yeah. There was very little imagination in terms of imagine if you found this.

Because you could bring in anything exciting at that point, couldn't you? That is true. But I do think that every single person has found something in a skip that they're so excited to tell people that they found in a skip that they just want to bring that in. It's like, you know, when you got something for like five quid and everybody likes it or you think it's really cool. You're like, oh, I found it on the street. I got it at a festival. It was by a bin. You know, you're just really excited about that so i think that everybody was like oh i'm gonna bring in the thing i got as opposed to oh i fantasized about skips yeah and what might be in them and every time i go to the tip i hope that i'm going to see x at the top of

the yeah but i mean if i was ardle and all I found in a skip was that old trophy, I probably would have made something up. Because look, I already love Ardell to bits. I think he's going to be absolutely brilliant on this series. Yeah. But he is very relaxed. Yes. With the things he's brought in and his own task performance, but a very aggressively, very aggressive about other people's task performance. I'm certain he asked somebody,

and I'm curious to know who he asked about, you know, like, how do I do well on Taskmaster? Because the answer, the correct answer is cheat, lie, and like completely dob everybody else in. Like that is the best way to do it because you can't just rely on sheer talent or your abilities. Like that's not what this is about.

Because the trophy he brought in i look i love it when a series kicks off with an utterly underwhelming prize because it was everyone was so excited it's the start of series 13 here we go this is the prize task what have you brought in a trophy silence i mean you know in isolation i can see how you go oh that would be great like literally i win i found a trophy but if you the first answer you got is not the right one on this show unfortunately yeah i mean i did it's just sort of gentle ambition from arnold and i appreciated that looking forward to seeing him on the series that was the one he was hoping wasn't going to be first when they. Yeah, definitely. As long as it's not in the first episode, it'll be fine.

Oh, it is? Okay, cool. So I better make sure that everybody else gets dubbed in. Every time they do something. Well, there were a few. Look, Sophie brought in a sofa. So very much on the same page as you there. A woman after my own heart.

It wasn't an eight foot long green velvet sofa no i've got to say it was a brown leather sofa um i personally wouldn't be excited if i found a sofa at a skip because of all the things we mentioned that sofa no yeah because it's like that sofa looks worn out when you buy it from new. So if you see it in a skip, you're like, oh, something's wrong with that. And there's a body inside of it. Yes. Yeah. At best.

Or bed bugs at worst. Yeah. Sophie seemed to be suggesting that it was a millennial thing that if you find a sofa, you've got to take the sofa. And I got the impression she was setting Greg up. If he criticized the sofa, she'd say something about boomers buying all the houses she was ready she was ready she was poised ready to go yes but then also comedy hasn't been poor before yeah i didn't realize there was such a culture of like getting things well i guess do you go to like the recycling center to get it out of a skip because a lot of times here there's like no

fly tipping which means there's no free stuff on the sidewalk here yeah there's no fly tipping but i guess if there's a skip outside a house and people are moving or they're getting rid of stuff or having a house clearance they leave put stuff in the skip as alex said i think it's technically theft but you may as well go for it i i mean i went i went to the tip recently and i had some old dumbbells and stuff that i was using during the pandemic i could have used those man well exactly and i i felt bad i was just literally like i need to clear some stuff at my house so i drove a lot of other stuff to the tip as well and literally as soon as i got them out the car this bloke ran over and went i'll have those yeah and i literally just loaded up the stuff into his

van he was so happy i don't think he was there dropping anything else off at the skip he just this bloke ran over and went, I'll have those. And I literally just loaded up the stuff into his van. He was so happy. I don't think he was there dropping anything else off at the skip. He just turned up with a van, opened the doors and just watched what everyone else was dropping off. Yep. That's like me in the parking lot behind my apartments because there's like 10 spaces and like a hundred people.

So everybody's just like circling, like something's going to free up what's happening. What's going on? Hey, are you leaving that? Great. Boom. Yeah, I feel him. So I didn't mind Sophie's,

but I personally wouldn't be excited about finding it in a skip because I'd be worried about what was going on there. I'd probably be more excited to find the sofa than I would be to find a, now that's what I call music 24 cassette tape. Yes. I mean, I cassette tape. Yes. I mean, I feel like,

okay. Look, I knew this when I heard that Judy was going to be on the next series. I was like, I know this woman. She is a bullshit artiste, like chef's kiss, you know, like, so that is what we are going to see a

lot of in the studio etc etc like i feel like she's bringing uh some major guz con vibes yeah and so that means i hope that some of the time she's gonna have like an incredible like shit hot studio prize you know and then other times she's gonna have you know a blood pressure monitor that she got off of you know her gran or something you know but she's got the gift of just being like i will sell you anything that happens to appear in my hand i saw this in my neighbor's bin as i was walking to the car this morning i I also, she does have Guz Khan vibes, but Guz would eventually break and do a cheeky little smile and you'd be like, he'd sort of give up.

Whereas Judy will keep going. She will keep going. I will go to the mat for this lie. And I know it's garbage and I don't care. I will fight your whole block. Also, I feel like she would have brought in that tape regardless of what the first prize because it's just a tape so because she was just i've just find it if i found it in a skip i'd be

happy and she'd just go oh kids don't know about winding the tapes back around you're like you just wanted to make that point that's why you brought that in uh-huh what if it wasn't in a skip what if it should have gone into a skip a decade or more ago and it was just somewhere in the back of her closet? Chris Ramsey, who I think is immediately one to watch in this series, he brought in the Businessmen briefcase. This, to me, was the best prize. I think this is the most exciting thing you could find in a skip because is it a million pounds? Is it the dude from Pulp Fiction's soul? What is in that? You know, like to me, that's like so 90s and it's like, oh, the only briefcase probably nothing but i would thoroughly search it

including the lining like what is the story of that briefcase yeah i mean it i i love an escape room i've made that very clear on multiple occasions i think that's the part same part of me that loves a briefcase is the escape room fan because also they could quite often appear in escape rooms you go in this briefcase yeah and you've got to find the code or whatever. And the way you slide the captures to the side and the things go thunk, thunk, that is one of the most exciting sounds in the world. Nothing more exciting than the sound of something that has previously been unlocked, unlocking for you.

Oh my goodness. So yeah, I mean, and genius for him to go, and you'll find out what's in it at the end of the show. So he's upping that excitement. It was perfect. I think I agree with you it was for me that was a five points that was a five pointer and this is somebody who definitely knows how to play this game he's a ringer he's been studying but the five points actually went to bridget for the last will and testament which i think is definitely improved by the fact she found it and it is up in her hole yeah because i guess how could it not be like those are it's one of those things that you find

and you feel like you can't throw away it's kind of like you know if you go to a uh you know a thrift shop or something and you find like a photo album or something and like you actually happen to buy it you're just like these are this is somebody something and i don't know if you think you're gonna find the the you know relations of the dead person or something or if it's just as you know if it's just a worthwhile artifact that you might ebay one day or something but like it's one of those things that like i mean it was like an acquilled like it was like written right after the constitution or something yeah it's crazy it's like 300 years old or something how does that and also the person who threw that in the skip definitely uh did it behind the pack back of the person who owned it yeah because they would

never let that go into a skip let's get rid of this finally yeah yeah and that look that is a very exciting thing to find in a skip of course it is But I just think that little bit of mystery that Ramsey brought was probably the one that nudged it over. Agreed. But it was five points for Bridget, four points for Chris, three points for Sophie, two points for Judy, and one point to Ardell. What a way to start.

Bridget, what have you brought in? Someone's last will and testament. Wow. She genuinely found this in her skip. This is what it looks like. Oh, my God. About 300 years old. Look at Ardell's little face. Well, I think...

The gold trophy's been pissed on already. There was one point over the years, cos I found it years ago, where I thought, well, am I going to have loads of bad luck, you know? Because you found the... Because I've got it up in my hallway and I don't know who's... Did you try and track the person down? Oh, no, no. No, I think it's fair to say they're not around anymore.

Task one, find all ten ducks. You must stay in the lab, fastest wins. You have a maximum of 20 minutes. Your time started when you entered the lab. This is a good one to kick off with because I think it immediately shows people's urgency and energy levels, which marks them out as to what sort of contestant

they're going to be in the series. So let's start by talking about Ardell again. Yes. I mean, you're absolutely right that that's a perfect start of like, what kind of energy does this person naturally bring to everything? And it also just shows off to every contestant like, this is the show. The show is there are no rules. Yeah, the task started before now. So you already screwed up go. it's so great and yeah i'm looking at that blank blank room and i'm just like yeah i don't see a single duck like chris found the only duck

first yeah you know so yeah how do you do it um so i'll i'll say now i think i'm allowed to say this that i have filmed this task for champion of champions but they didn't use it for champion of champions and they refined it and used it for this series so i know the feeling of standing in that room being told you have to find all the ducks and there's you can't see any ducks and it's panicking it's really panic inducing yeah um so they've i mean they've changed it quite a lot from what i know uh for instance, I think it's 10 ducks. Now they just said,

find as many ducks as you can. I think they were way more than 10 when I did it. Um, and also when Judy finds the duck that they forgot about, finds the ghost duck, like the dead duck from before that was from you. I believe so. Yeah.

Had you found that duck when it was your time? I did not. So as soon as Judy found that, I was like, Oh shit, another duck. I didn't. Yeah. Had you found that duck when it was your time? I did not. So as soon as Judy found that, I was like, oh, shit, another duck I didn't find. Did anyone else find any other ducks you didn't find? I'm not sure. I've not spoken to anyone else about it who did Champion of Champions.

I'm not sure. They might have even stopped people doing it after I did it. Maybe I screwed up so badly they were like, knock it on the head. But I made Alex pull his trousers down and he was wearing pants covered in ducks. i don't know if that was the case here um oh man yeah because somebody did i can't remember who had him take off of his shirt ramsey made him yeah he did yeah okay yeah but i mean and you're like okay no ducks there but then i don't know it's rough to keep going because you don't want to make you know little alex horn get down into his skivvies you know like spreading his cheeks like oh he already takes it so hard in the studio you don't want to make him strip down to his boxer shorts pull your cheeks apart yeah give me that torch

pull your cheeks apart now cough damn it so ardell's energy that he's bringing in this i think is going to be indicative of the rest of the series there is no urgency there's a time limit there's a 20 minute time limit and the editor is forced to use the slow bass line track which is very rarely employed i mean i don't know if for ardle for uh a man in his sort of time of life, he's just like, all I have is time. Like there's something so like just, you know, a life sentence kind of energy he brought to, like even finding the task. Yeah.

Even finding the task and then just slowly bringing out chicken after chicken. It was farcical. Just he'd disappear for ages and come back with another chicken. When has a hen ever been a duck mate like the house is typically covered in ducks you've seen the show you know what the ducks are what are we doing um so he really takes his time and i love it i mean you need that energy to match to to someone like chris or sophie um who are both who are both pretty pretty speedy

in the way they're doing things the energy is good sophie's stamping on the chickens to try and find stuff chris is ripping up the floor he's smashing that box open to find the red herring in there it's great i mean i i don't know i feel like he's he's our our clear lead horse in general. Like when he pulled up the flooring, that never would have occurred to me to pull up the floor. Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I didn't pull up the floor, I don't think, when I did it. But yeah.

All the ducks were down there. Just destructive. You've just got to be destructive in this one, I think. Yeah. But Sophie was great as well. Good energy getting up on alex's shoulders yeah just really going for it using alex in that way amazing i mean i'm surprised she didn't get a bonus point i feel like abusing alex is the way to uh the taskmaster's heart yeah i think so i think so um

bridget uh found four ducks pretty good going, and exhibits some classic early Taskmaster paranoia of going, is there anything called a duck that's not a duck? Is there a type of nail that's called a duck? Not a duck. That was... Yeah, that definitely... Is there a nail that's called a duck? Is there something at the DIY store that I need to know that's

actually called a duck yeah is there toilet duck somewhere oh that should have been for art that should have been good good idea actually damn yeah that would spin me out that whole thing I think yeah you just worry so much that you're not doing the right thing especially when you can't see any ducks anywhere no and but she found the French duck up there. Now, was that just about getting up high or was that also, I can't recall, that wasn't in like blacklight, that was just painted clearly. Yeah, it was painted on

and I don't think Sophie found it. Even though she was like right up there. She was right up there. Yeah. And I'm pretty sure she speaks French. Yeah, yeah. I mean, it was interesting because there was a lot of French

in this particular episode. And I guess it's relying on a general French knowledge of numbers at least up to 13 and animals, only a duck. Some animals, yeah. The basic animals, yeah. Judy found six ducks, but didn't find five ducks because she found that extra duck. And I do like she's already marked herself out as being completely no nonsense with alex yeah and she found where the ducks just go where are you from and he said where he's from she went no no i think that um no is probably like my favorite punch line ever of just someone

just going no no so just like everyone's like hey like there's this there's this um have you ever seen fear and loathing loss in las vegas the film like when he's like racing back through the desert he gets pulled over by gary bucey and he's like why do you have like three crates of soap he's like i want to stay clean no i laugh at that every time i've laughed at that maybe a hundred times because i've seen that movie that frequently um i have another comedian friend who always would just punchline stuff and people be like hot she goes no and just like the most deadpan face and i'd lose my mind so i will love judy forever for many reasons but one of it just being no no and also you've got to love judy for the first enduring image of this

series of taskmaster um her in the dark, lighting her face up with the UV. Yeah. Her like goosebumps, bumps meets rave culture, like black, black glowing. Is there a duck on my face? Is there a duck on my face?

Is there a duck on my face? And even in the studio going, was there a duck on my face? Was there a duck on my face? Like you would think if she was sitting in the makeup chair she would feel you know like you know just you know whoever's doing makeup just drawing very carefully a duck somewhere on her face like one wonders if she was just half awake and just like could could someone have gotten a duck on my face but i i get how this show makes

you question everything yeah absolutely it was a good idea to get the makeup person to draw a duck on the face although boys don't get the makeup so that would have been that would have been uh yeah you guys never get anything you like walk in 15 minutes before and they're like here's some lip gloss and like a powder puff have fun with your life um it was another one point for ardle uh three points for Bridget, three points for Sophie, four points for Judy, and the big five for Chris. Duck. Okay. Duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck, duck.

Two minutes. Ah! Ah! Oh, found one. Really? Yeah. That's a stray duck. That's a duck. Yeah, that's a stray duck. That's a duck.

Yeah, that's a duck we didn't know was there. Can I lift the floor? Duck! Duck! Yes! 30 seconds. I should throw the duck on my face. I... Is there a duck on my face?

One more duck. Oh, my God! This is so frustrating! Ha-ha! That was horrible. Thank you. Hi, it's Terry O'Reilly, host of Under the Influence. Recently, we created an episode on cannabis marketing. With cannabis legalization, it's a brand new challenging marketing category. And I want to let you know we've produced a special bonus podcast episode where I talk to an actual cannabis producer.

I wanted to know how a producer becomes licensed, how a cannabis company competes with big corporations, how a cannabis company markets its products in such a highly regulated category, and what the term dignified consumption actually means. I think you'll find the answers interesting and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly. and surprising. Hear it now on Under the Influence with Terry O'Reilly.

This bonus episode is brought to you by the Ontario Cannabis Store and ACAS Creative. We can wait for clean water solutions. Or we can engineer access to clean water. We can acknowledge Indigenous cultures. Or we can learn from Indigenous voices. We can demand more from the earth indigenous voices we can demand more from the earth or we can demand more from ourselves at york university we work together to create positive change for a better tomorrow join us at yorku.ca write the future

task two create the best picture of the task master using only lipstick on your lips you have 10 minutes and your picture must fill most of the canvas a portrait task straight away yeah i mean uh boys really don't know how to use lipstick do they because arnold was just like like kind of like the the sort of labrador retriever style all over with the mouth and just sort of went for it. Well, I actually think that was a good technique when it came to painting. I mean, his painting was pretty bad, I thought. But the smear, when he put it on and then like just smeared it across the canvas, was as close as you could get to painting as yeah as possible right it's true but i guess it's kind of like i mean i can see how he may have started out thinking that his technique was going to produce something that it definitely

didn't and that he may have had more time like if you had like a day to paint a portrait with different layers of that then that's definitely a technique but i think in 20 minutes you just want something that approaches accuracy yeah um although i will say as someone who's her way through a uh painting task um the uh the aura what do you say the the energy aura yeah he said aura the aura is implied i mean it is incredible that he tried to bullshit that because then he then he suggested that sophie's didn't physically look like greg and we should be judging it on all the physical merits when he just said his was good because of the aura the aura around it and yes i mean the physical merits of the painting and of his technique were both completely out of whack but

he was like wait a second it needs to be accurate he got three points he did not deserve three points it looked like a shrunken head he's sure but i guess maybe he just deserved three points for having hung in this long yeah you know with that just general attitude of like you know what i know what i did and didn't do on those days and so i'm here now and i gotta work this aura energy uh i. I think Judy was underscored here. She got one point and look, it wasn't a good painting, was it? Hers was on the throne, right? Yeah, on the throne. And she filled the whole canvas.

And they seem to forget about that when they were scoring it. Exactly. Your picture must fill most of the canvas. That is quite annoying sometimes because there are rules given that are then sort of deprioritized because whatever because of how we feel on the day and it's like well wait a second you know what exactly but then again i'm a little rule follower which is why i didn't win the series you know like i i felt bad for her because honestly from an impressionistic point of view like if you stood stood, if everyone was really spaced out like we were in season 12

from a certain distance, that would have looked great because it looks like a red chair and a black figure sort of sitting off to the side, you know, implicitly judging everything. And that is a portrait of the Taskmaster in general, right? So I feel like she could have gotten more than, how much did she get for that?

She got one point. I feel like she deserved at least one other point, really. Filling the whole canvas at least. Yeah, I think so. Sophie painted a Dorian Gray inspired Taskmaster portrait, a sort of hideous version. I mean, she used the portrait that's in the room. Which to be fair, it's like it's a Dia de los Muertes version sort of of Greg. So like it's going to look that way. That was the picture she was copying.

So like how well did she approach that picture and achieve that picture? I think should be the question, you know, it's like you have to judge, you know, a piece of art based on whether or not it achieved what it was trying to do, not whether or not you like what it's trying to do you know like totally you know so i think that that maybe deserved a little bit more plus like her technique was exquisite like just the application of lipstick got off with that yeah like she really put soul into that you know it was like um it was like do you remember when farrah fosso was making those paintings of her covered in paint naked and throwing herself against the canvas you know

just sort of aggressively like... Yeah. It's kind of like a feminist version of like a Jackson Pollock, you know? It's like all about the energy of what's happening onto the canvas, you know? Because I go... I seen a whole Pollock exhibition at the MoMA and I was just like, I mean, it's like for a bunch of paint, it's the best version of someone splattering a bunch of paint.

Like it is the pinn paint, it's the best version of someone splattering a bunch of paint. Like that it is. It is the pinnacle like defines the genre. But I still don't know what I'm looking at. Besides, I don't know, space. I don't know. Right. So, you know, I definitely felt like, you know, she had something going for her. It's just in the in the technique. I think an art critic would have had to step in and give that more. I think an art critic would have had to step in and give that more. Yeah, the technique and the process that she went through was so artistic that the final product deserves re-looking at. Yeah, I agree. I would say.

Well, Bridget's process seemed to be putting herself in the mind of Greg and what sort of home life he has. And the home life he clearly has is, he has Christopher houses he has yeah wait what what way is it for tea because she she when she was imagining being greg she said i imagine him coming home and going oh hello i'm greg i think i'll have some crisps for my tea yep because people tend to walk into their house and announce their names and then say what they're going to eat. Because, yeah, that's, you know, that's everyone's home life. I mean, it was, it was, there was something very, you know, it definitely had, I don't know, it just looked like a cat. It just looked like a fetish cat to me.

Yeah. You know, with eyeballs that were maybe also boobs. But I could get into that. Like, everything's like you know it's like eyeballs boobs like where's the face who knows i'm having chris with my tea hello i'm greg i'm home the little the bra that greg was wearing with the little dress and she imagined him saying where's my crisps i hate my job you know it was all you know she she put a lot into it and also i think we should if we're recognizing soph's technique, we should recognize Bridget's technique

of looking absolutely insane every time she applied lipstick. She was like, oh no, but a panic. Like I'm that crazy old lady who doesn't know what's going on anymore. But her eyes just went so wide every time she put the lipstick on. Yeah.

And then tried to tell Alex that that's the way all women put lipstick i can't wait to see more of bridget in this series yeah well i mean i imagine like there's going to be a lot of her going like what the hell is this you know i know how to put on lipstick and i can paint a thing but what you're asking is nonsense yeah that's pretty much the gist of things yeah um let's talk about Chris because I was blown away by this portrait it looked like a photo I thought it was incredible yeah like it could have been like that picture of the queen at Heathrow made up of a tiny little like he only used yeah one color and he got all of the shadowing and everything like

how how did he do that i want to see the video of the entire thing yeah and does he have some secret artistic ability that we didn't know about because he seems surprised he seems absolutely blown away that he's managed to do it and the reaction to it and the fact he copied that portrait was just yeah perfect yeah is he just surprised that everybody else is so bad at copying a portrait because he's like oh i just thought everybody could do this when you weren't paying attention in class you could just draw pictures of everybody but you guys are really bad at this and bridget tries to come from at the end by saying oh if you don't have the picture of that you were copying from you wouldn't know it was greg's like you you absolutely would and you get what the picture is doing.

And it does look like Greg. I thought it was amazing. Also, if you didn't have the show, you wouldn't know that any of these pictures were Greg. You'd just be like, I hope that these children get better soon from whatever's making them sick and in the hospital painting pictures.

So like, of course you need some context to judge any of this. It was a very well-deserved five points for Chris. Four points for Bridget, which I'm not sure about, because as Chris said, it did look like a haunted sex doll. But like, you know, sexy and made of crisps. Sure, but haunted. Three points to Ardell, three points to Sophie,

and one point to Judy, which we both agree was too harsh. Yeah. Here are Ardell's lips in action. He did that. Now, earlier, Ardell, you mentioned the word clown. One of Britain's great clowns. Yes. The most important thing, the stuff that,

you know, is the aura, which is not, like, painted, it's just implied. OK. And what do you sense of my aura? Specialness. Blimey. I wasn't expecting good stuff. Task three, devise a duel and have a duel with Alex. You have 20 minutes to devise your duel.

The most exciting duel wins. Tricky task, I thought. Yeah, but this is a hot task. This is one of those that makes you go, oh, you guys know what you're doing, don't you? I mean, because it is, you know, contain creativity, but it's kind of too open in a way, you know? I mean, but it's kind of like,

it reminds me of the proposal task that we had in season yes i was about to say exactly yeah yeah where it's kind of like so i can do anything like it's like you've got the the container is solely what we all know about a duel basically from i i presume like you know uh looney tunes cartoons i don't i'm trying to think of another duel i've seen well i, I guess all Westerns, but mainly Back to the Future 3, I would go with. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course.

I mean, the truest Western for anyone concerned. The original Western. Mainly that, for sure. So, yeah, I mean, I just, I was so excited about this task. And I also had that moment of watching it and going, oh, I have no idea what I would do for this. Because there is a the I think the impetus is to overthink it, you know. Yeah. And yeah, you could go or underthink it and wind up throwing fruit at your friend.

Well, so there's there's some real underthinking here and mainly coming from ardle again um it's an underthinky episode for ardle ardle i mean to give him credit the the dish glove slap was was you know very like okay you set me up for something that i then don't feel was entirely delivered yeah i think yeah so it was a big build-up and then the eye i like the eye patch uh i loved all of that yep that was beautiful to mess with depth perception and then they threw fruit each other it was what i've written down here is it's slow and gentle like ardle yeah now there are some contexts in which that's a good thing but most of the show is not that context. Yeah.

Like I kind of wanted to see all that fruit come out of a t-shirt gun or, you know, like not that they, maybe they have one of those who knows what's in that shed, but you know what I mean? Like, I think that needed one, if he was going to use the fruit, it needed at least one,

one to two more elements to make it like the task we want to see him do besides just lobbing the fruit i think there were a couple but at least it was a duel you can't argue that that was a duel there were two that were absolutely not duels um and let's talk about judy first uh i absolutely love this it was one point again but i feel like she should have got another point just for the sheer brass neck of doing this yeah Yeah, I think so. I think it is. It's hard to figure out when that is rewarded and when that is punished, you know,

because sometimes it's just like, oh, yeah. OK, so you really did that. But yeah, one wonders about the spirit of the task being honored in that case, you know, because it's like you're not actually putting up a fight at all really at that point you know judy judy honored her own spirit which was to do as little as possible yes and have that drink and have that drink and be able to throw things at alex with no fear of having anything thrown back at her yeah and even even just putting alex in size five to eight roller skates just so his feet must have been hurting and cramping I can't believe that they fit those things on his feet to be honest because he's a

very he's a tall man you know like he's he's definitely gonna have big he's definitely gonna have to shop at the drag queen store if he wants to wear heels do you know what I mean like that's not a like oh let's just go to shoe and figure it out. Yeah. So, yeah, I that's I mean, yeah, I I have to give him credit for even doing that because I would have thrown the skates at something and gone home. Like especially anything painful on my feet. Oh, God, no, I will hurt you. I will find you later and and do some some nasty things to you and your family. But it was wonderful to watch judy though do it yeah like i mean just you better go get your ball babes just an amazing quote you better go get

your ball babes oh look you done fucked up again go get your ball i mean all of them i can this is such a good first episode because all of them have done stuff in this first episode that makes me think i can't wait to see nine more episodes of this. Of them. Yeah. And how they respond to things. Yeah. Although I would. Yeah, I do still contend that I would have liked to have seen even if even if that was his round. And then she did a round of her own where things were, you know, seesaw was totally skewed in her favor as well. But she was a little bit more active, I would say. But I believe that that's probably there

because obviously I have no idea where this task happened in her run of doing things. She might've been like, look, I'm going to need to start this day with a drink because of everything that happened last night. So we're just going to do this. I mean, it might've been early. Maybe she went in with the intention of going,

I'm going to do nothing. I'm going to do as little as possible during these tasks. I'm going to relax, I'm going to make Alex do it'm going to do as little as possible during these tasks. I'm going to relax. I'm going to make Alex do it all. And then realize she couldn't do that for the whole thing. Yeah. She's like, this lasts a while, actually. But I loved it on this occasion.

Chris, I don't think Chris did a proper duel either. I'm going to say it. This is not a duel. It's a game. It's a great game. Ah, that's true. He had turtle basketball and he was so well awarded for that i think yeah relatively it's a good game if it is a good

two-person game he's such a little boy chris i think that's the sort of thing he probably plays on tour with his support act exactly but that's not a duel that's just a sport you know that's a that's a like invent your own sport kind of game as opposed to like um actually fight someone you know standoff style like you can't invite your own invent your own sport because that's already been done on exactly exactly so we've got guzball we don't we don't need a ball short yes we already got guzball a crisp ball is just i i don't know what that is it's just basketball for extraordinarily short tortoises. So for me, that wasn't a duel.

It worked well as a game, but not a duel. So the four points was generous. Now, if they had been at like a certain amount of paces from each other, if they had done the formation and turned around and had to get the balls from there, would that have been a duel to you? Yes, I think so. But then they couldn't't move i feel like they wouldn't be able to move and they just have to throw and try and get them in or the moves have to be regimented like there has

to be a certain amount of steps or you can step you know yeah but yeah i think i would agree with that like the same concept done a little bit more duel like would have been a duel absolutely it was too chaotic yeah uh bridges was a duel because a duel because it was jousting. That should have gotten more. It should have gotten more. That was beautiful. That was gorgeous. What Greg was saying was that the buildup was so much,

and then the jousting is so impressive when people gallop towards each other with horses, and then one of them gets brutally taken off their horse. It was so slow. Yeah. It was so slow. Because Alex was on that little weird pedal thing that's destined to make you fall like I feel like if they had been in shopping carts with the horse heads

or on skateboards or anything and just like had three rounds of coming at each other that would have been perfect but I think maybe it was too she went too far in the Judy direction of disadvantaging her opponent that it just undermined the game entirely because it looked stunning like i was so ready for it to be badass yeah and but i did enjoy alex slowly being punched with a boxing glove until he lost that that was very funny but if if it had had more impact i feel like that could have been four or five points yeah yeah because i think that do you have to win the duel in order to get the most points no i don't think so yeah it's no it's just the duel the most exciting duel wins yeah yeah so

it's like i think that did i don't know that anybody took the um chose the road of them possibly losing the duel like it seemed like it was set up like do you want to win or lose the duel but it seems like if somebody had dramatically spectacularly lost the duel and died or something in a really great way that's also another way to make it quite exciting yes absolutely absolutely um sophie uh i love the build-up to this so yeah the holding the sword and the chain and then doing all of that and then dropping them and it turning into a rap battle. It was a very strong presentation. Yes, absolutely. Again, I think it was weighted in Sophie's favor

because she knew what it was going to be and she'd clearly pre-written something and Alex just had to make it up on the spot. Which you can tell because he's so excited. He's so proud of himself when he gets a rhyme in there. Yeah, because he's like, no one ever asked me to showcase my rapping skills with a Z.

I mean, I've been waiting for the moment to drop these bars. What? A lot of the raps I noticed were sort of quite admin-based talking to each other about how long the battle should be. You know how we be doing. You know all them B-sides are about what's in the inbox

it was very funny very admin based it was like well how many should we do now are we gonna do one more or two more yeah right where it's like has this game even started or not yeah yeah still talking about the rules. I loved it. And I love anything that makes Greg realize he's old because he starts saying things like, oh, you've really brought the duel bang up to date. And you're like, rap battles are sort of,

I'd say the 80s at the earliest. Bang up to date with, yeah, people who are alive now as opposed to people who did duels who are all gone. So in that regard, he is correct. But yeah, so great. I mean, and kudos to Sophie. I do appreciate, it's such a small thing, but I do appreciate that she got herself up on the stool.

Because if you're watching a rap battle, like so much of it is about the posture as well as what you actually have to lay down you know and that is an important like a lot of times when you're like focusing on the content you forget the showmanship and the one-upsmanship which are at least half if not most of the actual battle so like you said with the chains versus like the feather and the toilet roll hilarious but then also just like making sure that she was like doing this down to him i think was an important aspect of um you know just status like it's you don't think about it until it's it's upended and then

you go oh it actually makes a big difference and she uh did herself really proud on that one and yeah you know brought the the bat the duel bang up to date she brought it bang up to date um i i loved the ducks being around as the people watching as well i i put what i like about a rap battle is when the crowd are going crazy when yes like oh shit yeah when they're oh falling over right yeah but unfortunately the ducks couldn't do that i feel like they maybe could have kicked the table after a particularly devastating run. Yeah, could have just not... Whoa! Especially if Sophie had done it for her own lyrics.

Just to be like, oh, they love that. The crowd goes wild. It was five points for Sophie's rap battle because she brought it bang up to date. Four points for Chris's non-dual. Three points for Bridget. Two points for Arris's non-dual uh three points for bridget two points for ardle and another one point for judy but she did it in her own way okay little alex horn i'm gonna defeat you with brains not brawn i'm gonna make you wish you'd never been born and leave you

feeling so forlorn okay little sophie du, this is going to go nuclear. How many verses do we have to do? Will one do, or do you want two? OK, I think we need two. I think that's the minimum that we have to do. I think we need to do two verses at least, otherwise our raps will seem creased and not that good. LAUGHTER

My name's Little Alex, I'm wearing a cape. There's only so much of this that you can take. I don't use cigarettes. I like to vape. So you better read that word on that tape. Caution. You're trying to caution me. Well, Little Alex Horne, you're going to see this rap is gonna act like a diuretic because right now you're being pretty pathetic.

Hmm, that's not very nice. I feel quite bad about this. Yeah. I don't like threatening you. You're smiling a lot. Right. Instead of doing this, we could just go on a bender if you choose this duel to surrender. I'd like to surrender and not do the duel anymore because I can't think of any more rhymes. Bender? Bender. Right. the jewel anymore because i can't think of any more rhymes bender bender right

now the live task i'm not going to read through all the rules of this because it's going to take me about 25 minutes but safe to say it was counting one by one and every round there was a new rule based on what number you were saying so it ended with having to say things in french having to pretend to be sick if there was an e in it uh spinning around if there was a t uh all numbers are in french um squat on odds jump on evens multiples of three saluting pronounced multiples four completely wrong so many rules safe to say desiree i would have gone out in round one yeah there is absolutely no way i could have done this well now i, I think you might've made it to round two. I think round one is just like someone was just like,

like saw a shiny thing, but it's once you get to that next one, you know, I guess everyone made it through round one or the first rule. And then it was the second rule that I think Bridget got out on. And I, that was just one of those, like what was going on?

It seemed apparent to everybody. But then after that things leveled up profoundly in a way where it was like because it was like you know every multiples of three had to have a weird is that no fours multiples of three were a salute four you had to pronounce the numbers wrong but quick highlight of the whole episode for me was judy suggesting how you pronounce mispronounce a number just going like oh you wouldn't do that you go I mean you know and that part was correct she did mispronounce it entirely yeah fucking hell she makes me laugh so much she's oh man I mean what a delight like I you know she's one of those people that I would love to see win, but I kind of don't care.

Like I feel like she exists outside of time, outside of rules, outside of Taskmaster. She is just a force of like, you know what? Fuck it. Also, what a force she was. Apparently she was, when they were filming the studios of Taskmaster, she was filming Strictly Come Dancing at the same time.

Oh my God. that is unbelievable it was chris's victory here um i thought so she found the perfect technique as well and she just missed it at the end yeah she had just dragged it out too long because it was just slightly too long for her to be able to remember the i feel like if she had stopped sooner maybe she would have remembered the fake vomit bit yeah yeah on catholic but uh also if you're mispronouncing the word then you're not going to remember that there's an e yeah at the end of it very tricky very tricky uh so it was chris's victory and he seemed relieved that the game was over as yeah yeah chris takes the first episode with 23 points. Sophie on 18 points.

Bridget on 16 points. And Judy and Ardell languishing at the bottom with 10 points. But one of them did strictly during this. Yeah, exactly. Let's keep it all in context. Fair enough. Yeah. now desiree it's episode one yeah do you have any predictions this early as to who you think might win taskmaster series 13 okay Okay, I have some thoughts. But bear in mind, this comes from someone

who came in third slash fourth. And only third because I was like, well, I'm tied with Alan. How is that fair? So yeah, I'm that great grubbing kid who was like, excuse me. No one even said we're gonna be tested on that. It's like, okay, fine.

It doesn't count. So, I mean, based on what I've learned from my series, I feel like. OK, I feel like it's not going to be Arnold. I think that, you know, I think that might be fair based on what we've seen in episode one. might be fair based on what we've seen in episode one um i i mean obviously i mean it sounds it seems pretty boring to say since he won the episode that it could be chris but he seems exactly the kind of person who is going to be in the right place at the right time not only for the the uh you know like he's got that that sort of of boyish sort of like, I want to play the game and like, you know, or, and, or like, you know, cheat at the game or whatever, you know, like

that kind of thing for the actual VTs. But I think also in the studio, I feel like he knows when to kind of come forward and when to kind of like let other people take each other out. Yes. So that, that's, I think that bodes well for him. I really want, like, Sophie's my girl, so I really want it to be Sophie, but I also know that she's quite bright and that that doesn't help you on this show. Because I feel like most people

who are super duper bright are like rule followers. Yeah. And rule following will get you nowhere on Taskmaster. I've come to find out. So I think that, you know, you know, it's like she redefined, she, you know, she brought like the dual game bang up to date. Like she will redefine the genre, but I don't think she's going to pull a Judy kind of move and just like not do it and be like, you know, balls to the wall about it. And like, sometimes it's not going to pay off, but sometimes it's going to pay off in spades,

like that kind of thing. So I feel like Judy's a wild card in here. So like, I want it to be Sophie. I think it'll likely be Chris. And if it was Judy, it would make my whole month, you know, because I would love, I would love to see, who cares cares Triumph in this case yeah

and she brings that devil may care kind of vibe to everything she's doing because she'll just show up on the day and tell you what it should be

and look at you really super serious like you're gonna buy that and I respect anyone who could pull that off perfect Desiree thank you so much for coming back on the Taskmaster podcast what a pleasure

love thank you so much for having me uh welcome back anytime of course uh and now we have to get you to rate your experience on the Taskmaster podcast between the uh points of one and five in the style of the Taskmaster have you had a nice time on the podcast? And could you rate the experience between one and five? I have had a nice time on the podcast. I want to say five, but I also don't want to give you the gratification for some reason. And I don't know why.

You don't need to know why, but this happens a lot. A lot of our guests will tell me that they want to give me five, but they don't. I think people just don't want me to, you know, rest on my laurels. They don't want me to feel smug. We want you to find that hidden ghost duck is what we want. Like, and you need, you know, you got to keep you keen, keep you hungry, like junkyard dog, throw water on your face,

tie you up to the tree with a chain, bowl of food, bowl of water for a month. You need to figure it out on your own, you know. That's right a chain bowl of food bowl water for a month you need to figure it out on your own you know like and then one day no one should no one should have that image that close to the front of their brain you've just plucked that out so easily how can you reel that off so quickly that's just i don't know that's having a dog in california they live outside and yeah there's a lot of there's a lot of like uh dogs need to be fine it's got a place to crap it's outside it's got water it's fine you know you have to chain it up otherwise it'll dig a hole under the fence and impregnate all the other dogs in the neighborhood not speaking from experience

definitely speaking from experience so so you want to you want to chain me up outside and let me impregnate all the dogs in the local area? Yeah, well, no, so that you don't. But eventually, we're going to take you off the chain because you're super cute. And we want to play with you. And then we're going to forget. And then suddenly, all the little dogs in the neighborhood have like a little black and white spotted puppies because you got off the chain. Dirty dog, dirty dog.

Go get him. Go get him, boy. So it's four points. So it's four points so it's four points yeah thank you thank you very much that's right cheers thank you there we go thank you very much for coming in again Desiree absolutely uh wonderful guests we'll have Desiree back whenever uh she's marvellous. That was great. What a great way to kick off the series. I can't wait to see what they all get up to in the coming nine weeks.

We'll be here every step of the way. Come back next Thursday at 10pm, straight after the main show on Channel 4 at 9pm to hear me chat to Sophie Duker. Yes, Sophie Duker, star of Series 13. Come along, see what she has to say for herself and we will talk about the episode specifically don't forget Taskmaster podcast the people's podcast which will be available wherever you get your podcasts thank you very much for listening we will see you

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