Tea at Four - Dating and self-pleasure as an asexual person and why Gen Z are avoiding sex

Episode Date: July 3, 2025

To celebrate Pride this year on Tea At Four, we’re inviting people from the LGBTQIA+ community onto the podcast, to learn about their experience in a super open, honest, non judgemental, nothing off limits way for a 3-part series. In our second episode of the series, Christie is joined by Yasmin Benoit, an asexual activist and alternative model. She takes on the most googled questions such as whether asexuals date, feel attraction and enjoy self-pleasure…We discuss hot-takes like if Gen Z are having less sex, why we feel peer pressured to lose our virginity and do we treat people we’re attracted to differently?Let us know if you have any questions or dilemmas, send to [e-mail] or DM us @teaatfourpod x

Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go Pass ahead of the show at Gotransit.com slash tickets. This episode is brought to you by Dzone. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer clubs from across the world are coming together to decide who the undisputed champions of the world are in the FIFA Club World Cup. The world's best

players, Messi, Holland, Kane, and more are all taking part. And you can watch every match for free on Dazon, starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at dazon.com slash FIFA. That's D-A-Z-N dot com slash FIFA. There's more than just sexual attraction, romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction. Yeah. So I can appreciate a nice face. I just have no inclination to sit on it, you know?

Hi guys, welcome back to Tia4. My name's Christy and this is a podcast where we talk all things that normally stay in the group chat. In today's episode and for Pride Month, we are inviting people from the LGBTQIA plus community to learn about their experiences in a super open, honest, non-judgmental, nothing off limits way. And today we are with the beautiful Yasmin Benoist. How are you? I'm great thanks. How are you? I'm great. Thanks. How are you doing? I am very well. I'm excited that the sun is out because usually London, the weather is terrible. But I'm glad that you're here and I'm excited to have this lovely conversation with you. So we're going to jump right into it and just get to know more about you, Yasmin.

So my first question to start off the series is what are your pronouns and what do you identify yourself as? My pronouns are she her and I'm asexual and aromantic. And for those listeners and for myself also because I'm super curious, I don't know what it means to be asexual. So could you describe what asexual means to the viewers and to ourselves? Yeah, so the most widely used general definition is just experiencing little to no sexual attraction towards anyone regardless of their gender. So sexual orientation isn't oriented anywhere

towards anybody. Interesting. So with that, that basically means you could have like, let's say for instance, you see a guy or girl on the street and you basically have no attraction to them at all. Yeah, pretty much. So it's literally based on like, is it based more on personality, getting to know the person or? I mean, I wouldn't be sexually attracted to them regardless, or romantically attracted to them regardless. I mean, they could be a good friend, but in that case, it would be personality based.

It might be nice to look at, but I don't really need to do anything with that. That's actually amazing. It's literally just like, yeah, you're just who you are. Yeah. I think that's amazing. I think it takes off that, I think for me personally, because obviously I am heterosexual, right? I don't know, are you?

I'm not. I can heck up for more time. So I think for me, if I was to see, let's say somebody like, who looks everybody like? David Beckham. Let's just throw him out there. Because everybody loves David Beckham. Yeah, I think just by looking at him, oh yeah, he's got a nice smile, you know, I guess I'm sexually attracted to David Beckham. I know you've got a Victoria, but you know, yeah. But for you seeing someone like David Beckham, it's just to be like, he's just... Yeah, he's fine. Yeah, he's fine. Yeah.

He's good at football, I guess. I'll expand. I'll expand. How you like bend it like Beckham. So we've got some questions submitted from our audience where I would love you to give your thoughts, your opinions to these like dilemmas or like curiosities. Oh, people sent in dilemmas.

They are in. They are in. You're acting it out. They are in. They are in. So this is like, you know, dilemma moment where we have to be. So the first one is, I'm 19 and I think I might be asexual because I've never had sexual attraction to anyone before.

I've never felt the urge to masturbate or had any feelings towards celebrities like my friends. I told my mom and she said, I'm just a late bloomer and it will come. I feel quite alone, what should I do? I think this probably sounds like rude advice, but my first thing would be like, don't worry about it too much.

Cause I feel like people, especially whether it's either online or in person, people really make your sexual orientation like having to be a big deal, having to work it out by a certain point in life and be acting on it has to be a big deal. It's one facet of your, of who you are. And it doesn't even have to be a big facet of it.

So I feel like don't worry so much about the semantics would be my first thing. Like I was always very open to the idea, like, especially as a teenager, I was like, this might change at some point. Does it feel like it will? Especially at this point, I'm like, I think we're in it now. But I was like, it could do. I can neither confirm or deny. But in the meantime, finding people that relate to your experience

so you feel less alone in it, I think is still important. So I would say seek out online communities would probably be best because there are lots of people, especially at that age, that are having the exact same questions and conversations. So you could kind of have that journey with other people and then it feels less isolating. And the next one I have is I'm ace and romantically attracted to women, but dating is so hard. I get scared bringing it up in case they lose interest or think I'm weird. How do you date confidently when the world assumes sex is a is part of every relationship? I'm not convinced anyone on earth is dating confidently. Oh, honestly,

I feel like especially nowadays, I'm not seeing I feel like people are less confident in dating nowadays. I feel like I've never heard anyone who's not tired or struggling or over it, regardless. So I would love to say that I think that there is a way that you will have the smoothest dating ride ever. We probably won't. I think that just comes with the experience of seeking those types of bonds with people.

I also think that like you probably will find so eventually because I think regardless of what your sexual orientation is like not everyone is like having sex every five minutes. I mean, statistically our generation is having sex less anyway. So regardless of what their sexuality is. So I do think that, like, don't be afraid to broach that or assume that, okay, because this person doesn't identify as asexual, they're not going to get it. And then also, I think you could try and seek out in a more organic way, like friendship first. There are lots of asexual people that are like homoromantic

and that are random that are also looking for that. So I think if you just develop friendships with people with those same experiences, then it might develop into that maybe because you can relate to that rather than initiating it from a romantic perspective, then I feel like you're probably more likely to run into those hurdles.

Yeah, I feel like dating apps are the issue as well, because I personally feel like things like Hinge, Tinder, or whatever other apps are they, they more, they put at the forefront just the relationship, not the friendship. And I feel like I think exactly what you just explained that people are so like quick to be like, yeah, let's get into it straight away. It's like, build a friendship, get to know the said person.

Do you know what I mean? Work on like, see if your personalities are compatible first and then let it naturally lead to something that if down the line goes into sexual, it's sexual, let it be sexual. So I think that's actually really good advice. Apparently we're all not dating confidently. I mean, I see this as dating, but as an observer, I feel like there's anxiety attached to it. I agree. I agree. Yeah, I definitely agree. Yeah. What's the statistic around us having sex less now? I feel like there's been a lot of conversation about that. I feel like there's always been like a kind of fear

mongering around, oh no, like Gen Z is not having enough sex. I don't think they are. I think they're either twitching or, they're not twitching, they're not twitching. They're just freaking out. They're on Twitch, they're either on Twitch or on their phones. I feel like I'm pretty sure secondary schools now,

when I was in secondary school, a lot of females like lost their virginity very, very young. Whereas I'm pretty sure now they, it may be even later, later down the age range. Yeah, I feel like it's definitely like, but I think it's interesting that it's framed as like a bad thing. I'm like, so someone's not losing their virginity at 14. Is that bad if they're 20? Like, I feel like that's not, I feel like that's fine. I feel like if people are like, actually, I want to be in a relationship before I have sex. I was like, cool. Like, I want to like finish university before I start focusing on that. It's like, cool. Less teen pregnancies. Like, I don't see why it's like, it's portrayed

as a bad thing. Is actually not. I don't think there's anything like that weird about, I mean, yeah, I think part of it is because people are just more socially awkward and not talking to each other. I'm sure that's part of it. But they're just getting like only found subscriptions and not meeting people in real life. Like I'm sure that's part of it. But also, I don't, I think people are also just more aware of like, I actually don't have to. I can just do what I want, like less peer pressure, which I don't think is bad.

I feel like people are doing what they want to do and not following society's norms. And I do feel like we need to get to a place where it's actually okay. We shouldn't kind of be like, this is bad. This is good. Let people do, I don't know if they're not hurting. I saw that you're not hurting anybody. Do what you need to do and do life the way you want to do life. Be accepting to stand on business. That's what I'm trying to say. Yeah.

Yeah, period. Just let people do what they're doing. It's what I'm trying to say. Yeah. Yeah, period. Just people do what they're doing. It's fine. There you go. I wanna know. So you say you're asexual. When did you identify that you were asexual? Like what age were you? Was it something that you always known or,

yeah, how was that experience for you discovering? Yeah, and I'm pretty sure I always knew but I didn't discover the language until I was like 14, 15. So I feel like I always say I realized I was asexual when everyone else realized that they weren't. So like puberty pretty much, around 11 probably is when kids started fancying each other and wanting to grow up with each other.

And I was kinda like, I don't get it. But yeah, it was when I was in secondary school because I was like a teenager in like the peak Tumblr era. So everyone was kind of talking about niche orientations and it was kind of cool to have one. And so someone suggested to me that I might be asexual and I Googled it and I was like, oh, actually that sounds pretty accurate.

But I didn't actually start using the word to describe myself that much until I was in my 20s. Question, cause I went to a very much, I was going to a very female of girls school. Me too, yeah. Did you as well? Yeah. So I think for me, it was like seeing everybody in your school years that, OK, people are losing their virginities, people are doing this, this is like,

so you're kind of like brought up to kind of like just go with what everyone's going with, especially because I went to a Catholic school as well. So it was super like. Thirsty? I mean, that's what they say, right? Yeah, to be honest, I would say that not the girls in my year, just in case you guys aren't listening and watching me, but yeah, I feel like girls schools do get that kind of like stereotype where the girls are very much like, oh my gosh.

I mean, mine was. Yeah, a boy goes past the school and is like, oh my God, yeah, he's a girl. Yeah, like people lose their minds. There you go. So I feel like it's great that you were able to kind of explore that and have that person to tell you that, you know, potentially you may be asexual. I feel like if I was put in your shoes, go into a very predominantly female school, very Catholic as well, it would be something that would be kind of like something that I wouldn't

be able to explore, even ask about. So how was that for you being able to kind of like, okay, cool, somebody's there to kind of help me explain or somebody was there to at least give you some sort of explanation of what you might be going through. I mean, to be fair, I don't feel like they were actually trying to be helpful. I think they were just trying to inquire a bit too much into my business. Like, I don't think they were trying to be helpful. Yeah.

Because I mean, as you know, like there is a thirstiness to all girls schools, I think, although in my case, it was a very bi-curious old girl school. It wasn't a religious one. The absence of boys and people were just hooking up with each other. So it meant that like, yeah, it was very obvious that I just wasn't doing anything in either direction. So the question was less, how do we be helpful for Yasmin?

And more, what is wrong with Yasmin? Let's work it out. And thus people just wouldn't stop asking me questions until eventually someone was like, oh, you sound like you're asexual. And I was like, okay, whatever. At that point I was like, sure, whatever. So I'm guessing for you, it was like, finally finding the word, those feelings are like, okay, cool. I know what it is now. I can now explore it in my own way. It's kind of understand, to understand myself more and stuff. Because I can only

imagine that if you didn't have that person or somebody to come and tell you, oh, this is what you are, you would have just gone on the internet, search it that way. So I feel like, how was it, how was it for you to finally put that word to your feeling, to find a word to explain your feelings?

It actually, probably wasn't as helpful as people would think, because he wouldn't believe me anyway. So it didn't really make that much of a difference. Even when I had the word. And then I was able to finally answer all the questions people were asking, the response was just, oh, no, you're not. You must just be this or that. Like no one, even though I was in an environment where people believed in

asexuality, because again, it was very Tumblr-esque at my school, they didn't believe in it for somebody black. So it was pretty useless for me for many years. That would really have made me, that would actually would actually annoy me. I'm telling you, I'm explaining it to you. But you guys are like, you're hearing me but you're not hearing me. Yeah. So I can definitely understand the frustration. And in regards to like, if you don't mind me asking like back at home, how did your friends or family respond to you telling them that this is what I identify as? Well, the people at school were my friends.

So, yeah, they didn't believe me. But I feel like at home, like it was kind of obvious. Like I never really pretended to be anything else. Like I think my mom would have been very perplexed if I was like, I have a boyfriend. She would have been like, really? I know we were doing that. But OK, I think she wouldn't have been against it. But she would have been weird for you.

But OK, so, yeah, I didn't even really need to tell her. It was just kind of like one day I was like, oh, by the way, you know, there's like a word for that. And then she was like, oh, cool. Anyway, I was watching EastEnders. Like we weren't really. Are you an EastEnders? Don't say that because you're one of the first people that share. I was like raised on that. So yeah, I'm pretty sure it was like while watching you I was just like, by the way, and then it was kinda like, all right, cool. Anyway, like that was all it was.

I think I found one person. Yes, I see you, you see me. Amazing. So what would be the best thing about being asexual? I think if you're one of those people like me that was kind of a non-conformist anyway and just kind of like does whatever I want. It is nice because I feel like it just takes an extra like layer off your experience. Like I feel like a lot of people I know who aren't asexual or if they are still pursuing

like romantic relationships is very time consuming. And I think people base a lot of their value and self-worth on whether they're in like a sexual relationship, or people are sexually attracted to them, or like how their romantic pursuits are going. And I think if you take that out of your life, it leaves you with a lot of extra time and energy. So I'm kind of glad that that's not an additional thing in life that I have to worry about, despite me. What is one thing people wrongly assume about being asexual? I think the main thing is people think that there must be something like physically or

mentally wrong with you that's caused it, whether it's either like a biological thing, like a hormonal imbalance or like an illness or something, or they think it's like a mental disorder or that it's some kind of personality flaw or something bad's happened to you to make you that way. Or maybe you're just like against sex morally or you're just unliberated in some way. So I feel like there's a lot of like judgments on yourself that come with it. Yeah, that is actually so sad that people go like that.

I feel like, we live in a world that people are open but only open to what they want to understand and not open enough to like take in what other people are experiencing. That for instance, I think the other day, a couple months back, we were doing like Vox Pops on the streets of Shoreditch and we were, I think there was a, is it the non, what is that movement in Korea? 4B movement. 4B movement, where basically they are standing by women having no interactions with men,

no sex, no this. And a lot of like the males, their responses were like, well, I mean, if they don't want to, you know, if they want to stand on their own business, they can stand their business or some people kind of like, they don't really get it because how are you going to reproduce? How are you going to, I mean, why are you guys doing something that's going to possibly affect the world or affect, you know, life in general? But I think people forget that at the end of the day, yes, you may not understand something,

but also have been open enough to take in and let them people have a voice. So the fact that now you, because I've come here and you said that, you know, some people only assume that it's like a mental disorder or something really bad is why are people so quick to run to the negative side of it? Let's kind of focus on the positives and, you know, celebrate you guys as well because it's like, what's wrong? You could be straight, you could be bi, you could be a lesbian, you could be asexual, we're all humans living life going through different experiences. So I'm really like, I'm intrigued and I really want to know more about you and about being asexual. What is the most funniest and ridiculous question you've ever been asked

about your identity? Oh, I feel like it's probably the... I remember when I like first started doing activism, like I got a lot of comments that were like, Oh, is it probably because she's vegan? And I was like, I'm not even vegan. But a lot of people were just like, Oh, so she's vegan. Like, it's like, like, it's not like if you don't eat meat, then it's not enough. Oh, my God.

Attracts the people. I don't know. But I was getting like a lot. I was like, is this a thing? Is this an assumption that you think vegans are asexual? If you're asexual, you must be vegan. Yeah. It's like I got a fridge full of meat, so it's not. Yeah. Oh my days. That's actually crazy.

How do people just... I don't know, the connections people come up over so strange. Yeah, they throw the wildest assumptions. They're just like, you know what? I'm just going to either entertain it just to make you seem very stupid or be like, no, that's definitely not it. I would like to know, what do you wish your younger self, like young, young Yasmin knew had been told about attraction, desires,

and identity? Because I do feel like as when you're a kid, especially watching growing up, watching TV, a lot of things are literally just black and white, male or female. So what do you wish you were told, your younger self was told about like your desires, your attractions and your identity? I think I wish I was told that asexuality was like a legitimate thing because I was pretty young when I discovered it. But because it was something I was only hearing about in like niche corners of the internet, it was not in the curriculum. It wasn't on TV. It wasn't in anything.

So I had no reason to be like, is this actually a thing or is this just something that teenagers made up because they were bored? So I would have liked it to be like reaffirmed in society in general as an option because it was very much like you're a straight gay or bi and those were the three that you could be and there was nothing else. Do you think that's the reason why like, the percentage just solo of people like coming out and actually just claiming that they are just because obviously all of those aspects that you just mentioned or do you think if those things weren't, they didn't exist then

you will probably know like more people that are asexual people be more prone to like, you know, come out and be confidently themselves? Yeah, I mean, I think it's definitely an awareness thing. I think that like, I'll often like meet or work with people who are like in their 50s and 60s and they've only just discovered the word, but they always were asexual, but the information just wasn't accessible to them when they were younger. So I do think that there was probably statistically more asexual people than people think. But yeah, people just don't have the opportunity

to discover the language. And then I also think that for some people, they just choose not to use the language because as soon as you do, there is an extra layer of discrimination that comes on top of actually having a sexual orientation that's not straight. So some prefer to just fly under the radar.

Yeah. In your opinion, what do you think needs to change? I think asexuality needs to be included in the curriculum. I think we need to be included in the Equality Act. I think we need to be included in hate crime laws. And I think we need to be included in the conversion therapy ban, would be my top four. And do you think it's more, I don't know,

I feel like with the US, maybe, because obviously when we're doing the facts, that's in fiction, a lot of the stats were from the US. So do you feel like if the US push it out more, then obviously more other Western countries will be more open to kind of like having those conversations. Because I do feel like in the UK, you don't hear it as much. If it wasn't for T out of four like kind of reaching out to you, I'm like, oh my God, I didn't, I actually didn't even know that, you know, people are asexual or like, of course it was LGBTQ first, and now it's LGBTQIA. So it's more inclusive to other identities that are not in the forefront as well. So do you feel like if there's more, if the US did more kind of like to push, to

speak about these conversations, do you feel like other countries, neighboring countries, or even us in the UK will be more open to. Shop now at nofrills.ca. I mean, to be fair, I feel like the UK and the US are more or less on par with their things. Mm-hmm. But it's always been a fringe conversation. So it's been happening for, I mean, like, people have been talking about asexuality since the 1800s.

But no one's really paying that much attention. So I think it's more just a case of people actually expanding the conversations about sexuality that they're already having and just thinking about it a bit more as in if people are sexually attracted to people, then naturally they're gonna be people that aren't sexually attracted to anyone just as a natural consequence.

But people don't really think about it. But yeah, cause I feel like it's always been around. Like I was hearing about it in the 2000s, like it had a big mainstream moment in like 2001ish to kind of like 2004. So like it's been in the mainstream. It's been on TV shows, it's been in everything. People just don't notice. They don't notice.

That's actually, yeah, to be honest, I, because I was within the Tumblr phase, I love Tumblr, but it's, if you were to tell me then, oh yeah, people I, because I was within the Tumblr phase, I love Tumblr, but it's, if you were to tell me then, oh yeah, people identify, or you identify as asexual, I'd probably be like, what do you mean I don't quite get it? Whereas now I think like it's more people are more prone to kind of like listen and are more open to take in the different identities and understand people of different identities and how they identify themselves. I was gonna say you recently came back, went to Washington DC, was it for Pride? Yeah, World Pride was there this year.

How was that? It was crazy, it was good. Like it wasn't like as contentious as some other Pride's I've been to, like Trump didn't try and like interfere or anything, which is what I was kind of worried about because we were like right there. I feel like they're in a kind of a similar spot to the UK.

I think the UK and the US mirror each other a lot. Um, I think what happens over there impacts what happens over here in a bad way too. So yeah, like there was just a lot of people who were doing great work that just didn't have jobs anymore because. Trump had just pulled funding from everything, which is also impacting organizations over here. So I think that everyone in America was so mobilized and so like coordinated and aware.

I'm curious to see whether the UK also keeps that energy. Cause I definitely felt like people were just a lot more conscious of things over there. Would you go back to America, even though with the current climate of what's going on there, how do you think that's gonna affect stuff like Pride, like events like Pride?

I mean, it was hard getting through the border. Really? In that sense, that could always be an issue. But even as a British person, they were like, eh. Which I didn't expect. I thought they'd be cool with British people, but apparently not. But I think that, I mean, I think it's all the more reason

to go there. Because again, like what happens there impacts what happens here. Like as soon as Trump said, like, screw DI over there, places have started cutting it over here. So I and I also feel like asexuality is still it's even more, I think, of a fringe conversation in parts of the US and it is here. Because I think it's just because the UK's a smaller country it's easier to have a wider impact whereas different states will have completely different things over there.

So like it might be a hot topic in New York but it's not in Iowa, you know? So it's like you, I feel like there's so much to do there so I would definitely be up for going back but it might be harder to do that in the future I think. Don't give up, you started, you keep going. I want to touch on to relationships, because I know I mentioned David Beckham earlier, but I'm really intrigued because it's like, especially, let's say, have you feel like you'd feel pressured to hide

your sexuality or even perform sexually just to fit in within the realms of a romantic relationship? Well, I wouldn't have a romantic relationship in general, because I don't experience romantic attraction either. So there wouldn't really be any point in me doing that. I just have platonic relationships and that's good for me. I think as being heterosexual, sometimes you can have a platonic relationship with a male, but then there's always that kind of like boundary where you can't be overly friendly because then it's like oh more they're gonna think that you know what I mean you're attracted

to them or they can't be too overly friendly or they can't be too in line with like oh my god what you doing today or, try me very like, I think expressing your feelings when it comes to like platonic relationships. Sometimes there's a boundary that you can't really cross. But I'm guessing for you, you don't have that. Yeah, I mean, I've definitely seen that, like I think particularly with guys,

like I've noticed that like, once I say I'm asexual, if they believe me, you see this like weight lift off them where all of a sudden you're just a human. Yeah. Cause I think guys, I don't think guys talk to girls like humans, even if you're a friend, not entirely, because I think that there's always a thing in their head

where they're thinking, I need to remain attractive. I need to remain appealing just in case. Wow. Just in case you might like me. Just in case there's a chance. So there's always this kind of thing that they do. I think girls do it too. There's always like-

110%, yeah. But as soon as you know, like there's no chance. Like I am never gonna have sex with you. So don't worry about it. So just talk to me as you would a guy. And then all of a sudden they're like, huh, okay. That's just, and then all of a sudden all this stuff spills out and they just spill their freaking

life experiences onto you. Cause they're like, damn, you're just a person now. Okay, like let's go. I feel like that's quite refreshing to hear though. Cause I do feel like in, just in my own experience, if I am speaking, let's say I went out speaking to a guy, it's always that kind of like,

you've got to make sure that, you know, there's a tone you speak in or there's like a certain topic of conversation. It's very much, we can talk, hi, hi, hi, hi, and it goes straight into like sexuality. Whereas I'm guessing if you used to tell a guy, I'm asexual and they're like, oh, so it's automatically that, okay, cool. They can. Yeah, I can't say believe it. Then it's like, now that's off the table. It's like, so we'll just talk like I would with a guy. It's like, yeah, talk as you would have a person, not a potential partner, but like a person. Do you think asexuality gives you a different kind of freedom when it comes to forming connections?

I think so, because I think that there is a very, as you kind of mentioned, there's a very specific script that people follow when they're talking to each other, again, with this idea that this could potentially, even if you're not looking for it, I feel like there's still something in people's heads where they're like, but if it could, or maybe he might be interested, maybe it might turn into that. So let me still try and remain in a certain way just in case. Or I feel like, I don't know, like even with like, I don't know, asking about your relationship experiences or asking about like people kind of evaluating

each other's worth and like compatibility, I think, based on that. But if you just don't have that, then it just kind of opens it up in a different way because I've never felt the need to follow any kind of script with that. See, I think this is why I don't go out as much as I used to, because that's what it's always like,

kind of like, okay, cool, I'll be at a bar, person buys me a drink. And now all of a sudden it's like, oh, are you this? Why can't we just talk about, how's your David? Do you know what I mean? Like, what are you drinking? Do you like that drink? What do you suggest?

Thank you. Did you watch the last episode of EastEnders? How was that? Yeah, like there are many other things that people follow very particular. Like even though I've never dated, I could pretty sure I could map out an entire date from start to finish. It's the same script.

People say the same things. And that must get boring after a while, I think. It's very tiring because at the end of the day, you could be out going just to go out to, let's say you had a stressful day at work or a stressful day at home, whatever, and you just want to go and kind of release and just enjoy yourself. And then you're dead forced to have a conversation where it's like, okay, cool, we'll go into this. Oh, you're probably going to ask me, oh yeah, this, are you going to put me down? And then you're going to, it's like, And you're like, well, I'm going to probably answer with this and I'm not going to mention

that. And I'm probably going to hide this thing, because that might sound bad or this might be, but then it's like, yeah. And it's, then you're not really, I feel like, entirely just being. Being you. Yeah. Being like just on a project. And neither is the other person either. True. Wow. So guys, rest of the scripts, OK? Yeah, just chill.

So we're going to go into the most Googled questions about being asexual. So this is gonna be quite interesting because I think for me the first thing I would do really will probably go on Google. So I would like to, you know, see what you think about the words that I've picked up. So the first one I've come across is do asexuals date? I mean, I don't personally, because I never have, but no, like some asexual people do still experience

romantic attraction and do still date. I think it adds a slightly more complicated layer to it, particularly if you're asexual and you're dating someone that is not asexual. But I mean, the first asexual people I met were like two guys that were married, so then they were both asexual. So like I know asexual people with kids,

I know asexual people with kids I know asexual people just like in polyamorous relationships like it doesn't assuming you're not aromantic like me it doesn't necessarily make a difference in terms of that it's just you would have to have more negotiations I think around the sexuality part. In the future do you see yourself dating? No. No. No.

Not at all. No I mean it might be like a marriage of convenience for tax reasons. Like there are logistical benefits. But like, no, it wouldn't be for romantic reasons. Fair enough. The second one we came up with, we've seen was can asexual people have a libido? Yeah. I mean, it's, as I said, it's like your sexuality is not oriented anywhere, but that doesn't change the physiology, so to speak. This is a tricky learning moment. So you see how I'd probably be aroused by a good looking man.

I'm guessing you could also self arouse yourself. Yeah, I mean, I always put it this way. I feel like most people realize their sexual orientation probably as like, I don't know, maybe like a teenager or maybe slightly earlier, but most people have masturbated before that. Okay. So, it's like, well, you probably weren't thinking about having sex when you were doing that when you were younger.

Yeah. Because most people don't even know what sex is until they're older. So your sexuality can be independent of that. I think people just forget that it you can do that. Well, you've heard it here first. Right. Next one is do asexual people masturbate? I guess you just answered that already.

I mean, some don't. Some don't. Some don't really have. Again, it like varies. Like there are straight people that have low libido. True. There are medications people take to increase those things. You might be going for a phase where your libido is low.

It could be a variety of factors, or then it could be high for a few weeks. Like, you know, those things fluctuate. So yeah, some people do, some people don't. Next one is do asexuals experience attraction? Yeah, different types. I mean, there's more than just sexual attraction, romantic attraction, aesthetic attraction.

I can tell a good looking person. Oh, okay, aesthetic attraction. I'll tell a good looking person. Oh, okay. Aesthetic attraction. Aesthetic, yeah. Where does this go? This is different. Aesthetic, yeah. Okay.

I can tell David Beckham is objectively good looking. Yeah. I would say I can appreciate a nice face. I just have no inclination to sit on it, you know? It would be my, how I put it. No, that's actually, the truth is, I hear it because I feel like you can be attracted to someone but this doesn't mean that you're gonna go

and pounce and jump on them. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You're a to a sign, but this doesn't mean that you're going to go and pounce and jump on them. Yeah, I'm a lucky person, but I don't mean anything. I feel like, going back to East Ender story guys, I think Phil Mitchell. Out of everyone? You've got Ravi right there. You know what gets him out of Phil Mitchell? It's just that he's assertive. It's like, you know what I mean? He's like the, oh look at that. You know what gets me about Phil Mitchell? It's just that he's assertive.

It's like, you know what I mean? He's like the, oh, look at, you know what I mean? I think that's what attracts me to him. I feel like it wouldn't be, I wouldn't describe that as, for me that wouldn't be aesthetic. Oh, okay. Like the aesthetic wouldn't be, but there was a vibe. Yeah, I see the vibe, but not aesthetic.

Aesthetic, more Ravi. Yeah. Jack. Yeah. Oh, Zach, yeah. I'll jump on Zach. Ravi, Jack. Yeah. Oh, Zach. Yeah. I'll jump on Zach. Ravi maybe not.

But I can see what you mean with Ravi. Do you get it? That's why Sean keeps going back there. There you go. You don't know what she's saying. It's like, what are you talking about? Well, they need to start watching. How about that?

And then the last one is, oh, this is actually quite a sad one actually. And I think for me that kind of, it got to me because it's like, why? Like that's how sweet it is. How do I get rid of my asexuality? Yeah, that's the thing. That's why I said that's why I feel like there needs to be rules around conversion therapy for us, because it's very legal and it's very perpetuated

within the health care system and it's not addressed. Like the government found where 10% more likely to be offered or to undergo conversion therapy compared to other orientations. And I feel like people don't really talk about that. Like people suggest ways to fix you from the time you mentioned it. Like I've been getting that since I was like 14.

So I can understand why people would be Googling that because that's what people tell you to do. I'm so sorry. That's actually- I didn't try to fix anything. I was like, wait, cookie crumbled, I crumbled. But that is what people tell you to do. So I get why people will be looking that up. Yeah, that one really, it really got to me because it's like, why would you want to like change yourself so much? It is you should be able to embrace it. And this just heartfelt that I'm

guessing people that the people that are searching that are not in the spaces where they can, you know, go and ask people or be confident enough to like, you know, find somebody that they can speak to, to kind of understand themselves and kind of like be happy with how they are and who they are. I think yeah, that's good. Well, I don't know why we ended with a very sad one, but we're gonna like change it up a bit. And I'm gonna go into like asexual slang okay so i know there's different identities within it yeah so i think the first one ace yeah it's kind of an abbreviation abbreviation of asexual yeah but kind of like in the way like

trans is an abbreviation but then it's also kind of an umbrella okay term for everybody under the trans umbrella i guess you could say I'm identified as ace. Yeah. OK, cool. So ace is a pretty patient, cool. What about graysexual? Yeah, that's just when you fall into the gray area between being asexual and not asexual.

So you might experience sexual attraction a little bit more than someone who just identifies as asexual, but not nearly as much as somebody who's not asexual. They'll just say they're graysexual. So it's like bicurious. to just identify as asexual, but not nearly as much as somebody who's not asexual. Okay. They'll just say like they're gray asexual. So it's like bicurious. No, probably be more like, I don't really know what else it can compare to. But just like, you know, for some people that are just like, yeah, I mean, like I would

just say I'm asexual. But some people were like, well, I saw asperosexual, it's actually a little bit or it's very frequent, it's very, very low intensity. So I'm not fully asexual, I would just say I'm gray asexual. So it's kind of like the middle ground. Okay. And then I've got here demisexual. I feel like for me, that would be the demi means,

demi doesn't need half, no? Demi sexual. In Latin, yeah. But I think the way I see it in this case is that's a type of gray asexuality where in those rare instances where they might experience sexual attraction, there's the extra component that it would have to be with someone that they have a strong emotional bond with in those rare instances. Whereas for people that are just gray asexual, that might not be the component in those rare instances where they might experience it. But for demisexual people, that would also have to be there as well.

Cool. And then the last one is aromantic. Don't experience romantic attraction. Don't experience. That's crazy. I think it's like not to experience. Actually, not crazy in the bad, but crazy in the way that it's like, I don't think people believe that you're aromantic. Do you know what I mean? I feel like- People don't believe I'm asexual either. Be like, what do you mean? So, you know, do you know them guys are like, what, so you don't think you can fall in love with me or you don't think? No, it's like, no, no.

I thought people have a hard time. I probably have a hard time believing that like, yeah, they have a hard time believing both guys. I feel like, but I just turn it around on them. Usually I just kind of use like the, whenever guys are like, oh, but you know, if you haven't tried like, how do you know? And I'm like, all of you had sex with a man. They're usually like, no, it's like, how'd you know you're not gay? We could use the same logic. We could apply it everywhere.

Do you reckon there is more women that are asexual women or is it quite balanced in your opinion? Statistically, more women. Realistically, I think it's balanced because I think women are more likely to identify with it. I remember there were studies in the early 2000s that said that there just weren't no asexual men. And I was like, personally, I know more asexual men than asexual women. But if you were to go online, it looks like there's more asexual women than asexual men,

just because I think for men, there's another layer of stigma, because for many years, people just assumed that women were asexual anyway. Like you're just supposed to lie back and think of England and not even enjoy sex in the first place. So I feel like there was slightly less stigma attached to being asexual as a woman where your sexuality as a man is very tied into the concept of masculinity. So men are just less likely to be waving flags around.

Explaining that, that actually kind of makes me think about it like back in history like the Romans the Henry date is very much like you know that kind of like patriarchal type stance so I do kind of get why they would seem as if there's more um women than there's men that's good that you know actually more men though it's not as obvious about it but I do we're gonna do go into a section called stats, facts and fiction. It's a nice warm up to get us into the vibe, into the mood. And our producer Bob will be leading this section for us. So are you excited to get into it? Yeah, let's go. Let's go. So going to give you some facts and then you two can have a little discussion,

deliberate and see what you think the answer is. And then I will tell you. So what percentage of people identify as asexual? Oh, should I go first? I'm going to say 21% slower than that. Really? Yes, like between like one or two percent. I feel like on average one or two.

Yeah, I feel like on average based on stats in the UK and the US. That's usually what they say what they indicate. I'm be surprised if it was a bit higher. I'm very sure they said one and two. But that's actually not that small because that's the same percentage as ginger people. Okay, when you put it like that then. So it's rare, but it's not crazy rare.

But do you know if you say percentage is like, okay, at least give me a number above five, you're saying one to two, I'm just like, yes, are you sure? Like trans people are like one to 2%. Like it's smaller than people will think probably, but still that's larger than you'd think as well. Okay, I'm intrigued.

What is the actual, is that actually the answer? Correct, yeah, around one to 2% of people I was thinking- Likely under-reported, but- Not even like 12, like a 12%. 12 would be a lot, I feel like. I think 12 is a good number. It would be a good number, feel like 12 is a good number. It would be a good number.

One to two. Okay. That's very interesting. What percentage of LGBTQIA plus youth are on the ace spectrum? Okay. See now cause you said one to two, my, I, but that was out of general population. Okay. See, I feel like that one's higher. I feel like that one would be like 5%. Okay. See, I feel like that one's higher. I feel like that one would be like 5%. Okay, see, because you're saying five, it might have been, let me go like 35, but in that case, I'll say 12 for this one. Oh yeah, because I might be going too low, but I feel like it would probably be like five. So it's 13%.

Oh, okay. Okay, so no, you were closer. Yeah. Is that in the UK or was that globally? I think that's globally UK or was that globally? I think that's globally. Or maybe it's US. It's probably US or UK.

I don't feel like any other countries are taking stats. Okay, last one. The A in LGBTQIA plus stands for asexual and two other identities. What are they? I'll let you try it. Asexual and... Should I do it?

Yeah. Don't really make it, I'm like, asexual. Aromantic and agender. Yeah, correct. Got it. Aromantic and agender. So what's aromantic? That's when you don't experience romantic attraction.

And then agender, so you don't have a gender. So it's not non-binary then? No, it's not. Well, yeah, kind of. I mean, it would probably fall under, usually under the T if you're gonna kind of like adgerate them together. Interesting.

Girl, I'm learning something new today. I love this. This is what I love about T out of Four, you learn something new every single day. Yasmin, thank you so much for joining us on T out of Four. Literally everything that you said, I'm pretty sure it's resonated with somebody that's listening.

And honestly, it's been very eye opening for me as well, especially because I was like, I came with so much curiosity. I was like, I need to know this, and you actually answered everything to the T and love that we're both EastEnders fanatics. So that is a 10 out of 10. So thank you so much for joining us. And for those of you listening, watching us at home, thank you so much for joining and taking it part of this conversation. thank you so much for joining and taking it part of this conversation. Feel free to like, comment and subscribe. Follow us on Instagram, Tia4podcast and we will see you guys on the next episode. Bye!