Tea at Four - Ep 1: Are Dating Apps Dead?

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

Hi, and welcome to Tea at Four! A brand new podcast series by Four Nine, where Lauren, Billy and Christie talk about all things that should have stayed in the group chat- your icks, picks and hot takes straight from your friendly girls and a gay. In this we episode we discuss the reality of dating in your 20's, Lauren’s weird Hinge prompts and the wild reason Christie broke up with her ex.

I ran straight downstairs into the fridge, poured the juice, nobody was... Hey guys. Hey. How are you guys all? Are you guys all right? Good. Not too cold? Are we going? Yeah.

Oh, no! Are you guys loving the set? Have you guys got your teas? It's good. I'm comfy. I like my mug. Do you? I think I like mine though. Oranges are really... It's a really nice colour. What about you, Lauren? Into it. Yeah, into it. P it yellow okay yellow no piss yellow piss yellow the dating scene guys so dating apps do you use it do you not um i've used them all every single one of them yeah I'll go through them let them dry

Thursday Grindr Tinder Tinder white Tinder blue Tinder what's that those different colours

that's what I thought British flags well I've never ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever

ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever use them I want to I'm contemplating you've never even dabbled no couple of glasses of wine on the way home do you know what I'm scared of right I go on there

drink driving I go on there and then I see like a family member or like somebody sees me that's rare so that's I'm just like

maybe I'll just how are you seeing no no this is weird that's what you're scared about on my dating matching with your uncle can you can you imagine i hope you don't swipe right but like i don't know something about dating apps kind of like

is it do you think like you see a cd or like is it just like you don't want is it like kind of like oh gross before i would i was like it could never be me i'm not gonna like it could never be me really but i'm highly considering getting involved with your family taking the dip i've been watching the crown man tinder red white and blue is that you wish you came with thrones I've got an idea what were they no but like obviously have you guys heard of like

bumble yeah woman led and it's like they've got like bumble friends exactly and it

it seems very interesting I wouldn't mind you know attempting but then I wouldn't know like dating bios how do you

well this is the thing nah the worst part about dating apps is they're not designed for you they're not designed for you. They're designed about first impressions, your best photos, the most interesting things about you, just so people can decide if they're interested in you.

You have to pay to say if you want people over a certain height. So here I am with the four foot fives. A sea of them, short kings. And I can't even say I'm 5'11", and I'd maybe like someone that's a bit taller than me. Oh my God. I've got to reap through. I've got to reap and I'd maybe like someone that's a bit taller than me oh my god you've got to reek through I've got to reek

it's extra work it's a whole other job my biggest issue is the pressure on prompts because I have to decide whether I want to sound like a 40 year old woman

on eHarmony eHarmony seeking sense of humour man with long hair yeah or if I want to go silly and funny which is way more me

I try to go for that vibes but sometimes you're taking it too far but that's the reason why I deleted my last one because one of my prompts last time was it was like what's your greatest strength and mine was that the bins get collected at my house three times a day Lauren

Lauren Lauren's going to hate this announcement Lauren why? because I thought I don't know she showed me that I was like you've got to get rid of that delete that

is it gone now is it still there or is it gone oh no I deleted the whole thing that stayed for a while though but people they loved it

really the boys come running stampering up the window the whole cast have flushed away. That's what it is. How many boyfriends did that get you?

Yeah, not many. No. But that's what I mean. I like to keep it funny because then it does attract more, maybe what I'm looking for. But then what I'm looking for also is like, someone that's not just gonna be with me for my bins. Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. It's just quite a massive week me for my bins do you know what I mean yeah it's just quite I do look at you and I think she's got great bins great set of bins on her yeah yeah that's nice

but yeah the pressure on prompts the pressure on having your best photos up but meanwhile I'm going through all this absolute mental turmoil

but these boys are out there with the same picture they had from four years ago I'm recycling the same couple of boys I recognise them from like when I first joined they've got no fears of catfishing none they're using the

valencia filter they are a group of 16 men the valencia filter 16 men in a shot or like from a boy's holiday which one which one am i going to go on a date with because we've got about 5 000 friends here and it's only the person taking the picture I don't remember seeing you in the group pic what about you Billy? I've tried them all but you'd think I would have the know, the knowledge of how to navigate this

this horrible territory but my only chat up lines is hey I don't know what to say I don't know how you guys do it because I'm a very bubbly person and I'm a vibe. How do I sell a vibe online? How do you sell the vibe? Voice note?

The vibe package. Is there actually voice notes? Oh no, I'm not doing that. I'm not. No, that's cringe. If a person has a beautiful face, right? You hear their voice. And their voice is dead, immediately decline.

Decline, negative, un Negative. Unauthorized. Delete. Goodbye. At the grand old age of 26, I've had one relationship and it scarred me. So I've been single for four years. Oh. Long and lonely road. I've never had a relationship ever.

And my friend told me recently, which actually kind of like was a massive. Oh, okay. Cool. Yeah. It was like he was saying, saying oh it's a big red flag that the person he was seeing was 26 and had never had a boyfriend before

and I was like that's so sad me that's me that's my life yeah and now I'm like oh god

maybe it is embarrassing maybe I'm like not being in a relationship yeah the ex's mum always still loves you oh really shout out she'll be watching this

I mean my mum still has yeah his number on her phone. And I find that very, cause my mom's actually a low feed. I love her, but she's just like, oh yeah, you know, what's his number? Let's be friends. No, mom, don't ever do that again. But the reason why- Now I know why you don't want to go on a date and start a new family.

Your mom is sharing a boyfriend. But the reason why we broke up was because he called me a tour guide on his vlog. So I took a look at his Instagram and I was like, oh, I'm gonna go on a date with him. And he was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And I was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And he was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And I was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And he was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And I was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And he was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And I was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? And he was like, oh, you're gonna go on a date with him? Your mum is sharing a boyfriend But the reason why

We broke up was because He called me a tour guide on his vlog So I took him to Paris That's so niche Yeah I took him to Paris for his birthday And we went to go watch Drake live Right And obviously I was so

Not a tour guide on the vlog Listen guys My name's Christian I'm on the big red bus guys don't be lying don't be lying my name's christine i'm on the big red bus door with you here's the other time i took him to paris i took this boy to paris for his birthday right his 25th birthday right just go and see drake right yeah i scoped i've never seen drake before let me let me be that girlfriend yeah like cool boom took the guy to paris yeah obviously well but he's a photographer and obviously i did photography back then as well yeah so little

did i know he created a whole flyer to say that he was in paris to do some photoshoots listen listen he created a dm for a quest she sat there with her itinerary a whole flyer right saying that yeah he's going to paris he's gonna shoot like he wants to shoot he wants to shoot blah blah cool and then i found out when we came when we came back right he did his vlog and you see obviously there's a freeze frame right on the vlog right and on the bottom right i said my name tour guide first name tour last name Guide I was like Wait hold on sir I had to call him straight away I was like Excuse me

Tor Guide Who's the Tor Guide Yeah I haven't been paid yet Actually I requested for that video To be deleted There and then

Good That's so rude But it got like 350 views So I was just like Wait so as in He's actually like Funnily referenced

Or he said No that's your actual Job role on LinkedIn He actually did that I was the Tor Guide Not his girlfriend The Tor Guide That's nasty I'm so sorry LinkedIn. He actually said that, I was a tour guide. Not his girlfriend, the tour guide. That's nasty.

I'm so sorry you went through that, but that is funny content. That's really good. That's the funniest break of my life. I laugh at it now because it's like, okay cool, yeah we're in Paris, I speak French, you don't know a word of French, I was cool. Yeah, I was a tour guide.

Yeah. But to be actually- He's vlogging the tour guide every five minutes. Exactly. To be labelled a tour guide, I was just like, oh, kiss him under the elbow. Do you know how hard loving my tour guide does it? Like that's a bit rude you know what i mean yeah oh you poor thing yeah so since then on a relationship what's that justice for tour guides man yeah

right so obviously i've been single for this long. I've actually found like attraction quite a weird thing to come by. Because when I was weird, even when I was in a relationship, I used to like read fan fiction. Do what? Read fan fiction and whatnot. Why are you outing yourself like this? But if you, so like even or like I tweet about celebrities and my ex would be like

getting jealous because I tweet about like Michael Bublé why are you getting threatened by Michael Bublé so I've just come to realise over the years that I'm actually

more attracted to people that are unattainable to me or are in like celebrity films culture I'm with you that I can really mind palace about myself

and not actually ever me with you yeah which which i actually googled and it's called it's called delusion no it's actually called it's a condition called fixed sexual fixed sexual fixed sexual irony don't read but uh i'll look at the photos of them i think i'm i'm one of them then because i do the same with um I think you guys have seen it Nas I kind of photoshop myself oh my god you do

every year on his birthday I photoshop that's different to me though I keep this all in my little head my little mind palace she's putting that online yeah

I love the company I'm with today to be fair actually no I will join this conversation because I do Mind Palace myself. Every night? Every night to get to sleep.

I imagine my entire life with celebrities. He puts on James Horner. What's it? Did you ever see? You're really out me now, aren't you? To get to sleep, I listen to the Titanic soundtrack. There you go. Really?

Yeah. It's really romantic. I think it's quite depressing. No, that specific one. Stunning. Flutes. Yeah, it's so gorgeous. No, it's really romantic i think it's quite depressing no that's specific one stunning yeah it's so gorgeous no it's not he puts in his airpods world's in no no headphones in world's out whole album whole album of instrumental goes on journeys so depressing it's like a breakup then we get back together then we get married one of dies. I can't believe you do that. And I'm crying. Yeah, yeah.

What the hell is going on? It's hard, I just can't even imagine myself like being with people at this point because I am so happy and so blissful being on my own. Anyone else?

Yeah, someone asked me the other day actually and they're like, oh, you don't really want to be in a relationship. I was like, no, I just want someone to be obsessed with me.

That's the thing. Yeah. Like to be in a relationship i was like no i just want someone to be obsessed with me that's the thing yeah like to be obfuscated so if anyone wants to apply i'm sure i'll set a link down below i went on a date with a guy who's also kind of giving main character energy and i looked at him i thought we can't both oh you've had some really bad dates haven't you yeah bad bad date we can't both what be the main character we can't both be the main character we can't both be the main character i'm the protagonist you are an extra yeah or tracy it's not even guaranteed you're gonna be including the end credits in the finale wow yeah all right guys so in this day and age right there's dating apps there's dating in person there's blind dates right who's doing blind dates i mean

there are some events out there that basically host blind dates but i personally think it's seeking love embarrassing like if you're proper like i need it right now like is that embarrassing is it just like a are we just putting too much pressure i say everybody wants to be loved um um and it's not so much embarrassing yeah that was embarrassing no no don't i feel sick absolutely cut that um there is like i feel embarrassed when i tell people like when they're like oh do you want a relationship i'm always like no yeah but deep down you're doing it yeah but then it's also like i'm also too embarrassed to like yeah say that i

i'm yeah looking for a relationship i think with what you just said as well like all the young people are all in relationships flourishing you know getting married i've got like six seven eight friends that are either getting married or had children or i'm just like the issue is what is going on like i had a list by 26 i should be married and i'm 28 now you're a tour guide what's happening i don't think it's embarrassing i feel like it's just like I don't know but that's like I don't know

like all my friends are getting married now and I'm kind of like oh having the tea that's what I'm gonna on Tinder who wants to be

a plus one to a wedding gonna need a couple I know yeah yeah I don't know I think I personally want to really meet

someone organically yeah i also can't look people in the eyes when they walk past me so how the hell do i how do you meet people out of like you're asking me um yeah i don't know i i blame i started blaming it on covid i was like look i think because we've not been outside a long time we actually just don't know how to talk to strangers yeah we're now about a year out and i still can't look someone in the eye when they walk past me oh i do i like staring really yeah i like staring it's like a game i'm gonna stare at you and see who's gonna break contact i can stay for days he's gonna cry first i can stay for days yeah i am blind i ain't making my glasses so if i'm staring so we actually asked the four night audience uh whether they think we're sad as fuck

joking joking i said um we actually asked are dating platforms dead? And the answer is, what do you think? Do you think they said yes or no? Yeah, I think they said yes. Really? Yeah. So you are correct. It was 56% that said yes and 44% that said no. Oh, wow. Which surprises me because I feel like I don't see people talking in real life.

No. I don't. What? That's only on TV. I don't think I've ever heard anyone say a good thing about tinder no unless they're dating through instagram yeah or snapchat or twitter every time i get drunk i always pay for tinder gold you get to see who's already likes you and it's you think it's gonna be a real big ego boost

because she's like oh look how much are you paying for Tinder Gold? I can't really remember, actually. Suddenly I can't see. Every time I'm drunk, I'm just like, oh, let's see what's on here. Do you think you'll actually get into going on dating apps? Let's wait until my birthday, and we'll see if anything changes. If not, then I'll be coming back to you guys with tips.

What's the difference between your birthday? Yeah, because it's my birthday, and I like beyonce so i might i might pull she might have a birthday kiss yeah yeah fair enough yeah yeah let's play don't spill the tea our producer bobby is going to read us out a story okay and we've got to try and not to spit our teas out. All right. Mine's got a bit of pun scam. Mine has three layers now. It's like the custard curdles in primary school. Help me.

Right, ready? Okay, I'm going to read out a few. They're all within the dating theme. Is this going to stain our tea? It's great. Yeah. All right. Okay, right. I once dated a girl who had a santa claus fetish she wanted to be spanked by santa for being naughty on his list she even wanted me to wear a santa hat did it never again

had to dump her still get weirded out walking past santa's grow every christmas every Christmas. Anything to comment on that? I mean, I don't really want to knock it. Maybe she's got a thing for... I don't know. Fiction, fiction, fiction, people. Maybe she grew up, like, really loving Tim Allen in The Santa Claus.

Yeah. I don't ever look at Father Christmas and go, oh, sexy. No, he's not he's not giving no no he's not

no there's gold buttons though when they shine them no thank you right are you fuelled mmhmm

okay he's already haven't said anything yet that's so horrible um about a year and a half ago I saw a TikTok video about how if you dip your balls into pineapple juice, you can taste it. I thought to myself, it can't be true. So I tried it out for myself.

There'll be no harm in doing so. No pain, no gain. I ran straight downstairs into the fridge, poured the juice. Nobody was... I ran straight downstairs into the fridge, poured the juice, nobody was... Oh my god, I just found my intestines in my throat Lauren Oh my god sorry

I'm about to set you off Look at my mouth I don't know I'm just picturing someone dunking their Ball juice maybe That's what made me laugh Fucking hell Wait I didn't get to the end of the story That's what made me laugh. Fucking hell. Wait, I didn't get to the end of the story.

Sorry, producer Bob. Mouth up, mouth up. Yeah, load that back up. Oh, is that pineapple juice? Yeah, memories. Sorry, that's mine. What's the username again? Lauren May 414?

Oh my God, mine is like moving in four different ways. Are you ready? All around my mouth. Sorry. Ready? Okay. I heard the key to the door rattle as I was squatting in my tea, pineapple in hand.

My mother-in-law rushes past me, sweating in the heat wave. I carry the shopping into the baby's room. I walk into the kitchen humming a song that had been stuck in my head at the time, My Heart Drops. There stood my mother-in-law drinking my ball-infused pineapple juice. They both looked up confused to my sudden silence. I just forced a smile and went to help cook dinner they still don't know to this day wait when you see your mother-in-law drinking that no no no i can't send this back to asos now no no no but guys wait when you see your mother-in-law drinking that no no no what

I can't send this back to ASOS now oh my god no I can't believe that who does that I don't know this is no who does that

what who does that oh no I thought you said second no no it's cost a living it's cost a living wait so the premise of the story is that he was testing to see if he could taste it when he dunked

pineapple yeah but why he's got a mouth why are you tasting him to taste oh what oh but it's semen no what's it again bobby come on what was it again bobby you have to go again i was hearing so many no you were right you were right he was trying to taste it. Someone said you have taste buds in your balls so he was testing out whether he could taste it through his balls.

What? He's really misread the question. He needs to go back again. That would mean you could taste your sweaty balls all the day. I thought... All the day, English.

I don't really... I was like, you know how animals... No, I don't know what I was thinking. Lick their private parts. No. No. I'm not sure of that. No. Lick their private parts. No. No. I'm not sure of that.

No. Remind you... Have you heard the rumour? Well, this is a rumour I heard once that if you poo in like a... No, like a bookshop, your poo smells like paper. I didn't believe it,

but it's just something I heard. Yeah, and that's where we tell you not to poo in WHVs I'm like guys what's going on she can't see a thing frazzled right then

your glasses are here by the way I don't know but I didn't want to put them on right now would anyone mind if I cleared myself up wow that was funny

oh my god I love that I can't believe your stories literally can't believe it well if you enjoyed uh this episode of tf4 be sure to subscribe to us on all our channels so you don't miss another episode um yeah try it maybe message us some of your funny stories and we can react to them with don't spill the tea um and share and for any tour guides inquiries yeah your gal you're going to Paris if you guys want to go to Paris subscribe with you

and that would be very good thank you oh la la