Tea at Four - Ep 10: The Wildest Conspiracy Theories

Episode Date: February 24, 2023

Hi, and welcome to Tea at Four! A podcast series by Four Nine, where Lauren, Billy and Christie talk about all things that should have stayed in the group chat- your icks, picks and hot takes straight from your friendly girls and a gay. From the real reason SpongeBob exists to Lady Gaga having an extremely sinister past, do these wild conspiracy theories have any truth behind them? 

Hi, welcome back to Teat 4. I'm Christy. I'm Billy. And I'm Lauren and this is the podcast where we talk all things that should have stayed in the group chat. Guys, I don't know about your TikTok view pages, but mine is rife at the moment with these celebrity conspiracy theories and I am sucked in. I am locked and loaded with all this information that I must share with you today. Firstly, I've seen that UFOs being shot down. Poland, somewhere else, somewhere else. I saw that one. You've seen it? Yeah, I saw that one. You really?

No, not seen that one. They must be hiding that from you because you're too smart. I'm sending the UFOs. You're a fucking Martian. No, but he's been to, is it Area 50? No. Area 51.

Area 51, you've been there, haven't you? I drove past Area 51. So you've seen the aliens? I saw a shack saying, welcome to Area 51. It didn been there, haven't you? I drove past Area 51. So you've seen the aliens? I saw a shack saying, Welcome to Area 51. It didn't really look very official, but apparently they said that they saw aliens there. Have you heard the Avril Lavigne conspiracy theory

about her being a clone? Melissa, is it? Yeah, well, apparently she died after her first album came out, but because it was so big, they made a clone of her, and the clone has been performing ever since. Wait, but how did she die so she died by suicide and they've now found someone that looks

very much like her yeah to resurrect her career and um resurrect in every sense of the word and that's what gave us bops like girlfriends does she know that this is the conspiracy that's outside like do celebrities know the conspiracy oh they definitely know and they play up to it i think which is quite fun it's quite silly isn't it like they're especially lady gaga one of the biggest conspiracy theories about her is that she actually killed a girl who was also trying to make it to fame and stardom when they were first starting out but they i don't know they were on sister record labels and apparently this other girl was like a lot better than her but this other girl apparently died by like throwing herself off a balcony at 19

but the whole conspiracy is that she was killed by Lady Gaga so Lady Gaga could make it to the number one thingy and it's quite interesting as well because Lady Gaga plays to it

and I think one of the music videos... What is the one where she's... It's like a cramp. Stretch him out. I was attacking. No, what's the music video where she starts off by falling off a balcony or being pushed off a balcony?

You mean paparazzi when she pushes someone off a balcony? Maybe paparazzi. And then at the end, they're holding up a newspaper which says, No More Gagaaga and then that correlates somehow to the name of the girl that was killed maybe she did she did it she guilty you think i don't think she did and also the ones i've seen in the last week from the superbowl all

the things from rihanna at the superbowl is that oh my god she's lifting up her illuminati symbol it's like no it's literally her diamonds in the sky. Yeah. I was reading a brief bit of history about the Illuminati because they were real, weren't they, originally? What was it?

Like the rough, the Bavarian Society, High Society, Members Club and they would like have their fingers in all the pies politically. Yeah.

But the resurgence of it came in the 60s in Playboy magazine because some um politician put in like an article about it and or then no one thought anything of it but then the readers just read it and ran with it really they were reading looking at playboy oh my god next to the one of boobs um that's crazy yeah and like they obviously say

that like Jay-Z Beyonce very big in the Illuminati and I think there was a shot recently of Jay-Z at the Grammys

and he's holding like a glass and it's full of red liquid the internet obviously doesn't know red wine exists but they're like it's blood

he's drinking blood oh wow he's drinking blood every time Beyonce like comes back in the surgeons with like good music that does well in the charts all of her like anti-fans say that she's been devil worshipping and she's like yeah and so like the beyonce fans recognize that on twitter yeah like you know it's gonna be a hit when people are saying she's been doing her devil magic really that was one of the first videos that i was obsessed with on youtube you know like subliminal messages in music where if

you play a song back it says something else and there was even a do you remember the tick tock it's my favorite tick tock the lady trying to tell some that her like people that monster can i really want to get it up you know when she's drinking the can and she's like and when it goes up the devil laughs oh no people love it though it's crazy talking about the playing like songs backwards and stuff in reverse did you ever watch the simpson episode when um bark joins the navy and then they're singing like a song and then they play it backwards and it's when um bark joins the navy and then they're singing up a song and then they play it backwards and it's basically saying like join the navy no no but they do say that the

dora the explorer that one theme song if you play play dora the explorer if you play it backwards it says hail satan single ladies as well was one of those ones so it was like really apparently yeah like there's an edit of it where like sounds like she's saying, ha ha, I worship the devil. She doesn't even say the devil in the song. And it's such a reach as well. It's like... But that is how they, in Spy Kids, they worked out that he was a madman, help us, save us.

So right. They rewound the TV show. It was like, someone's a madman, help us, save us. Someone I know did magic mushrooms at a festival and the music which happened to be

Beyonce's renaissance album was playing back to front in the brain so it really sounded like that subliminal messaging they were being possessed what did they hear

the song backwards they didn't actually realise until the end When the friends were all gathering around saying I can't believe they played Renaissance the album And this person said Don't remember that because I was hearing something completely different And what else? Oh guys I've got quite a good one

And it's about our girl Liz Second Liz Second Oh queen Liz Trust That know her I thought you were talking about Liz trust That's what I thought I was like Liz trust

What did she do now Why is she our girl So how about this Lizbert Your girl Lizbert Is a lizard Shut up Possibly

That's a conspiracy theory That she's a lizard Yeah The royal family Oh yeah They do look like it though Prince Charles That is a genuine

Apparently that's a really Well believed one Gemma Collins mum Genuinely believes that Gemma Collins mum Yeah Oh yeah, they do look like it though. Prince Charles. That is a genuine, apparently that's a really well-believed one. Gemma Collins' mum genuinely believes that. Gemma Collins' mum? Yeah. Oh, cult leader. Very intelligent. Gemma Collins' mum.

Referencing in uni essays. Gemma Collins' mum et al. Mrs Collins. Lizards. I think the animal lizard. Yeah, it's like the lizard people, they believe are part of the kind of Illuminati. And they sometimes,

I used to be obsessed with watching videos of like celebrities glitch. And they'd be like, that's a lizard. I'd watch the video and say, oh really? Yeah, right, so no. Lisbet. Lisbet, your girl Lisbet. Come on.

Apparently cannibal. Oh. And let me give you some context to that fact. So obviously she lived a very, very long long life like longer than any other person she was doing like 300 okay not every other person there's probably someone died at the age of 93. sorry let me let me right elizabeth has outlasted many other monarchs. She's had a long, long reign. She's obviously dead now.

Because maybe she stopped doing the thing. So how old was she when she died? Like 90? 96. Yeah. I said 93. I was lying. It's 96.

I think she was 96. She used to do something like 300 engagements a year. She'd go out. She'd be working herself to the bone. Yeah. Oh, Elizabeth. engagements a year like she'd go out she'd be working herself to the bone yeah alizabeth and um apparently um you know obviously human flesh you probably don't know this but i didn't know sounds like something i don't know human flesh has a lot of like energistic properties like it's

really good for you obviously the nutrients in it you make babies with like your human body so apparently being a cannibal was really good and apparently every year not every year but the queen would go to canada and then loads of children would go missing at the same time and then the butler at the time in the 70s was like yep there's human remains in the in the fridge at Buckingham Palace. And something else, cannibalism isn't actually an offence in the UK. And also you can't charge the Queen. So she was getting away with it. Apparently, so a British historian,

Hubert Humdigger, has the answer. She must eat human flesh to be so vivacious. In 2012, the site Dear Dirty America claimed to have confirmed Hundinger's reports when a serviceman at Windsor Castle claimed to discover human remains inside the Queen's private freezer. There you go. Her private freezer.

Her fucking mini fridge next to her skincare. She ate her husband as well then? No. She was eating children who were very fresh. He looked like he died 17 years ago. He does look like he was actually a vampire i think they pumped it maybe she was sucking all the blood out of him yeah um you sound mental yeah i'm a bit concerned it's just something i read it's not something yeah

no good um poor elizabeth so i think there was a conspiracy i read on Reddit that said that Spongebob was created I can't remember it now Spongebob was created as a kind of to make people gay what? Spongebob was created the cartoon Spongebob and the reason of creating him was

to push the gay agenda so that liberals in what part do they mention his sexuality? This is something I was reading, because I did my homework this morning. So is he gay with Patrick? At this point? I don't know.

I don't know if we claim him. Okay. Mother. Maybe. He's just a sponge, really, he yeah another one i saw is that this person believed i don't know if it was a conspiracy theory like believed by loads of people but this one person apparently believed that a um the moon was man made because it's so perfectly round and on the other side is um like an alien station and that the pyramids were built by dinosaurs with their small hands yeah but the dinosaurs

can't survive in the heat it's how do you know have you met one no but then in all the dinosaur stories the dinosaurs are in the cold right land before time the dinosaurs are in the cold right what land before time no honestly like for instance when you go to a museum right you go to the dinosaur section it's cold in there i think you're i don't think they have been dead if we think about pyramids yeah pyramids in egypt that's what we're talking about right yes no the ones on the other one maybe maybe there is something who knows but pyramids yeah pyramids in egypt that's what we're talking about right yes no the ones on the other one maybe maybe there is something who knows but pyramids it's usually not in a warm very very hot place right what dinosaur is surviving in a hot place well actually quite a lot of them no i don't think so they weren't living in antarctica most of them like roamed around

the continents didn't everything start in africa anyway yeah yeah but there was no dinosaurs in africa where do you think they are then you're thinking of mammoths you're thinking of ice age you're not thinking of dinosaurs i know what a dinosaur is yeah and a mammoth is a mammoth but she's a mammoth of course so apparently apparently dinosaurs actually lived in a warmer and more dynamic climate well then thank you you're not seeing jurassic park it's boiling fucking sweat beading i've watched what have you watched this is what i want to know what you want to watch nothing yeah maybe you watched dinosaur christmas story and it's always snowing yeah she's basically usually like a rude rude rude wow english

rural rural rural environment and it's rural environments are usually cold tell me what you mean by rural well there's obviously not gonna be built up boots high street next to them is it? We're all like rural means. We are. We're all like countryside. Oh, for flip's sake. Got the cotswolds in the background. No, but.

T-Rex coming after me. So, all this revisiting about Illuminati, you know, those conspiracy theories online,

subliminal messaging, watching all those videos, kind of made me think back to those things that I would have really stressed myself out about as a kid that were really irrational, but I thought were, like, problems that were going to become, like, things in my everyday life. So I actually made a list of some of the things that made me think of that Illuminati-level stuff. Do you want to hear it?

Yeah, let's go okay please let me know if you've thought the same okay the first one is the bermuda triangle i was obsessed with the bermuda triangle and really thought that like black holes and like that fear of the unknown were really going to affect me every day in life anyone else get worried about that you can't fly over it yeah apparently that's not even a thing you can fly over it no i think no because i'm scared to fly to egypt because of that it's nowhere near egypt yeah but you pass it that's so specific you're a sister of burman is it not no it's inside the world so where do you where is that where is it based like what

country it's like obviously bermuda that's nowhere near it based? Like what country? It's like, obviously Bermuda. That's nowhere near Egypt. Bermuda's like near the Caribbean. I think it's like Bermuda or Cuba. I went over to Mexico. Did you? Yeah. And you were fine?

I'm a simulation right now because I got sucked in. Imagine. My friend's from Bermuda. She goes there all the time. Okay. But yeah, so it's a fine thing. Like it's all just a load of shit, but stress me out. Yeah.

Okay. Number one, the London riots. When I was sat in my house on the Isle of Wight, I saw those people looting shops. I couldn't fucking sleep. I had to sit with my mum downstairs because I was so terrified that that was going to start kicking off in Shoe Zone,

Isle of Wight, that I couldn't breathe. I was in the heart of the London riots. Yeah, literally. You were in there? I wasn't there. She had been back to Paris. I wasn't there, but I remember coming back,

because I think we were in Paris at the time, so we came back, and the streets, it felt like a movie. Didn't it? It felt so sinister. It's like a scene out of Sky News. Do you know what I mean? And then coming back, because I live right next to a police station, the so sinister you know what i mean and then coming

back it's like because i live like right it's the police station like the police officers coming out with their armor and everything so it was quite kind of like a surreal like is this is this the end of the world do you know what i mean yeah but um shout out to my area you know you into massive the turkish came out with their machetes so literally nothing got touched in Stokey because they were like adamant out there like protecting their shops but it was very

a very very scary moment so I had every right to be scared of it that far away yeah desert islands yeah they definitely decided

Isle of Wight was where they were attacking the yeah I knew it you were safe they go frat turn around from Stoke Newington charge all the way down

on the ferry on coaches waiting on the ferry yeah Isle coaches. Waiting on the ferry. Isle of Wight. Isle of Wight. Yeah, so that was valid. Okay, next one is quicksand. For some reason, I was obsessed with knowing what quicksand could do and really thought

that would get me at some point in life. But do you know no one's ever actually died from quicksand? Yeah, I did know that. You did know that? I wish I knew that. But then where are you going to bump into quicksand yeah i did know that you did know that i wish i knew that where are you gonna bump into quicksand well i do i live near beaches island girl island girl quicksand is actually quite popular it's like there's a lot of quicksand on a lot of beaches in the uk but it is basically impossible

to die in the way that it's depicted in films. Yeah. Because quicksand is denser than the human body. And you have lungs, so you float. We have lungs? Yeah. You're joking. Okay. That's a good one. Next one, tsunamis.

Isle of Wight, I was surrounded by water. Oh, damn. It was terrifying when all that stuff was coming out. I thought, we are definitely going to get hit. Wow. I don't know if that's inappropriate to say. With what's actually going on. I just had to be explained to

that we're nowhere near an equator and I'll probably be all right. Okay, the next one is the Mayan calendar. Do you remember being at school and they kept on saying the world was going to end? 2012.

In 2012. I remember waiting for my dinner in the lunch kit and I was saying, at fucking 4pm, we're done we're done this is your last meal everyone

last supper I actually believe that though because there was so much things coming out of it there was articles the films I think there was a film

on the end of the world as well I'm thinking like that's it then no twins for me aww yeah did you get worried

Billy no he's got a brine. I'm not an idiot. We were young then, innit? Do you know what I mean? Another one was Nick Jonas having diabetes. That really shook me up.

Wait, what? I'm so confused. What's going on? Maybe very acutely aware of sugar intake as a child. That's where my anxiety probably started. i'll just go to the last one the jfk assassination video i used to be i used to be fixated with like seeing it from every single different angle after school i'd be on that computer wait hold on i'm so confused how we've gone from conspiracy theories to your list of fears that's not a fear

it's an interest but then how old were you? why are you watching assassinations from different angles? were you trying to investigate who did it after school? yeah well that could be a very valid point of view me, Lauren May Kirkland, 13 years old from the other words so this is the part of the podcast where we review some brutal stories on our brutal meter

over to christy i have two toothbrushes one to clean my teeth and the other to scrub the lime scale and gunk around the taps sometimes i accidentally put toothpaste on the wrong one but can't be asked to waste it so just carry on that's so bad that's horrible just put them away from each other exactly why are they in the same kind of yeah to be fair i was gonna say i thought he's gonna say he uses it to clean his arsehole i similar story do nothing but i do have a separate head to clean my earbuds with like my um airpods yeah but you don't no i don't remember that one's on its own that's a really good way of cleaning your airpods with an

electric toothbrush completely separate head interesting please watch the five minute crafts video all right what are we rating that one guys um i would say about seven seven lauren nine nine ranking it yeah Seven Lauren Nine Nine It's a bit rank innit Yeah Nine scale Do you know From the The sink gunk Yeah

And around Okay eight Yeah And eight And that's going in your mouth Nine So a minty Gunky

Mouth Great Alright cool Next one Only me and my mother-in-law Are in the house Told her I was going to have a bath Decided to have a crafty

phone wank couldn't work out why there was no sound turned it up full blast nothing went back downstairs phone was connected to alexis bluetooth we have never spoken of this i've heard a similar story about that on twitter as well always turn your bluetooth off guys oh my god this happened to me once before actually but um so um my phone's connected to the car and my dad was like let me just use your car to drive somewhere right so i think i was on the phone to one of my friends and she she had like a drunken night call so then i'm coming out my phone i'm thinking my phone's connected to my airpods walking up the stairs and then i don't hear her and then um i hear her coming from the car and i'm just like like what did you say type of thing so i hung up so in the evening my dad comes back and

was like oh yeah so is that what you guys do when you go out i said what are you talking about yeah your friend was talking about her getting spanked i said what oh oh and i was like oh no that is a song like you know yeah oh my god oh no it was just so like oh yeah please turn it off guys it could get you in trouble oh my gosh yeah he wants to use the next one yeah what we rating that out yeah i would say that's a good eight that is a oh god yeah eight and i've been mortified and what what category are you looking at exactly yeah and you've turned the volume up i'm not gonna lie when you said like crafty wank i thought it had to do with like art sounds how to make a bird box yeah i just did the motion of this like you're double dicked up right my ex cheated on me when we were both in our early 20s which is fine but she admitted to her

friends that she liked to give head to a guy before she came over to see me because she wanted to embarrass me and make me a joke in the eyes of other guys i usually knew them just from going out or college as far as i know it was never with someone i considered a friend i randomly saw her about five years after we broke up it hit me that i should pay her back for everything she did to me i stuck a pair of sunglasses in her purse and alerted security that she was stealing it was a thrill and a rush for me. I don't know what happened to her. I didn't stay to find out.

But I like to imagine the charges stuck. Doing that felt so good. I decided I would make a hobby out of it. I have thrown a rock through a car window at night. I've called her cell phone in the middle of the night to wake her up at least 10 times. And I won't stop calling until she answers the phone and the latest thing i have done is ruined all of her plants and shrubs at her new house i don't feel bad in the slightest and i don't plan on stopping as long as she lives close by she doesn't know it's me and it makes me still happy this day to fuck with her

it sounds like she needs a restraining order. Jesus Christ. Also, get a hobby. Get a life. What? Oh my God. Why are you so obsessed with her? I don't know.

If it was payback related to the first incident that upset you, I'd get it. But you're going and putting pebbles through her house. You're ringing her

on a private number, I'm guessing. You're obsessed. That's weird. Why are you so obsessed with me Yeah Seriously get a hobby dude

Any situation where you Like You lower yourself Than the person's original Or obsessing over something Yeah Not It's quite cringey

Not cringey Really embarrassing Get help And get help immediately And I hope your friend Finds out that it's you Yeah I quite

Found the Putting sunglasses In the purse quite funny Yeah But also To realise immediately and i hope your friend finds out that it's you yeah i quite found the putting sunglasses in the purse quite funny but also to realize that i only started there it's a bit weird yeah when it continues like okay this is this is yeah a bit mad my god you sound like a freak anyway moving on how brutal meter um 10 you're fucking it breaks it it breaks the broom you are and not in a good way like that's just like totally lame so

over the past few months I've noticed my husband sneaking out of the house at night sometimes for a few hours at a time sneaky link

I'm one of those people that fall asleep as soon as their head hits the pillow so he obviously thinks I'm asleep but one night I heard the baby crying and noticed he wasn't there at first i thought he was sneaking out to see

another woman but it turns out it was worse than that in my opinion anyway we had our first child in february this year and he's been really hands-on father always there to take care of the baby despite having a full-time job when i need a break and all that i don't know how else to really say what's going on without it sounding completely insane because it kind of is but it turns out when my husband goes out at night all he does is go to the yard where the trash cans are rummages around and fishes out a dirty diaper from our child opens it and just stands there smelling it. Oh my days. It seems to be, it seems only to be the ones our son has got number two. Because I've seen him toss ones that presumably only have been peed in and look for a dirty one.

And then he just stands there taking in these deep content breaths in our child's excrement for ages. The sad thing is he looks so damn happy when he's doing it too. So? I've watched him from the windows for a few weeks now. Bro! Just standing out there sniffing with this huge grin on his face. And then rummaging around for another. The real icing on the cake was the other night when he came back to bed Once again thinking I was asleep

He must have got a bit too close to the diaper Ate it While he was sniffing us on business Because when he got into bed I could smell something and opened up my eyes And finally heard him snoring And it turns out He had poo on his nose

No Fucking hell. That is the most disgusting thing. Oh my God. And, okay, you know me with the details, right? But, you know, with babies, there's different type of consistencies of their... Coma or...

Thank you. Pellets. So what... Does he want it as a lotion absolutely disgusting like I really don't care what the consistency of it is it's just

horrible I don't know yeah and then you stood there and you watched him bro I'm chucking something out of your head what the flip

what are you doing I'm calling what the hell are you doing it's like some weird like sexual well no I have seen a weird like one of those

like TLC my weird addiction things and there are people that actually do like Eat shit No That is off the Richter scale for me Yeah I can't even rate that Nah

Off the scale Whenever I blow my nose And I'm on my own oh my god this is so me It's actually your story Oh my god no it's me. It's actually your story. Oh my god no it's not me, let me carry on. Whenever I blow my nose and I'm on my own, I always check the tissue to see what came out. If there's a nice bit of green or yellow snot, I'll happily eat it from the paper.

I think of it as a little treat for having a cold. Right I'm going to say something. No no no no. You've done that before. No, no, no, no. You want to say something? I'm going to be vulnerable here right now. And I'm going to ask the audience, have you never had phlegm that tasted kind of good?

Oh my gosh, Lauren. Not from the paper, from your phone. I've actually remembered you pick your nose and eat it, don't you? No, I don't. No, I don't. No, I don't. No, I don't i don't you do stop this isn't about me i just asked you something it doesn't have a salty taste it's like salty like like an oyster like an aphrodisiac have you ever i never had snot run down from your nose into your mouth

so delicious um that's horrible that's disgusting that's nice why are you so frightened with I never had snot run down from your nose into your mouth. So delicious. That's horrible. That's disgusting. That's nasty. Why are you so frightened of something that already comes out of your body, except for poo? Oh my God, you do pick your nose and eat it. I don't, Billy.

I don't do that anymore. That's as bad as... I did at one point. I did at one point. Got you there. I got you. Okay, but where else am I supposed to put it? In a tissue. What, do you do that then? then no i put mine out the window he froze his fingernails on franco manco which is a restaurant downstairs

out the window that's a fucking violation at least it keeps in the in the bin that is my body well you heard it here first peep um she does pick her nose and eats it So this is part of the show where you spill the tea and we try not to. Okay. We're just getting our drinks here. Are we ready? Mm-hmm. Okay, first one.

I was fucking a guy and his toupee came off. Is there any sound... Straight away. It's on my head. It's on my head It's on my forehead It's the way that Bobby said I was fucking a guy Why the pressure

I love 2.3 Justice Do you know what I mean That was just the title that's the title I don't even want to hear what it is oh my god

no it's your tea darling it went really up my nose like you're swimming okay are we ready cool try not to laugh at this bit i'm gonna go from the top okay i was fucking a guy and his toupee came off is there any salvaging this i male 27 was

talking to this guy male 29 on an app for a few weeks we met up for a drink he came back to mine all was going well we were hooking up and at one stage i got really into it and pulled on the back of what i thought was his real hair and the top of his hairline came unstuck he ran to my bathroom and locked himself in i tried to talk him into coming out but eventually he just asked me to drop his clothes by the door so he could leave this was a saturday and he hasn't responded since i text to ask if he was okay the morning after is there anything i can say that would lessen his embarrassment i feel like it was my fuck up that leads to this and i don't want to add to any insecurities but i don't know how to do that any advice would be appreciated get you some stronger blue yes some got to be got to be spray okay is everyone ready right here we go i was bullied by a girl in school and because i am

male i was called a wimp sissy boy mammy's boy and even my teacher told me to cop on when i started to shake cry and panic when i was partnering up with this girl and two other classmates on a project in school my mother god mother, God bless her, put me in an all-boys secondary school. I got on well in secondary school and made friends. I even opted to be a prefect in my school so I didn't have to go to town for lunch as the girls secondary school and boys would mingle at lunch and I didn't want to see her. I managed to avoid her when I saw her about town. I'd cross over the other side of the street or hide when I'd see her. One day I bumped into her in the supermarket but she was with her mother she said nothing but I could tell by the look in her eyes she wanted to say something she just didn't like me from day

one so now I go back to being in work I'm depressed off my head cooking up burgers chips tacos taco chips etc and I hear a familiar voice I freeze my colleague was at the cash register taking them can i say that okay i freeze my colleague was at the cash register taking the bitch's order the establishment was known to be slow as fuck when dishing out orders so i slip into the bathroom memorizing her order i always had a thing where if i stuck my finger up my ass and tugged on my dick, I'm able to cum fast. Mayonnaise on the burger? There's more.

How's that a party trick possible? So that's what I did. I did the deed into my hand and I walked out to the food prep area. Fondled the chicken burger with my jizz-stained hands, squirted the mayo onto it and the lettuce, and it looked fucking perfect. I watched from the gap in the shelving as my colleague handed her the food. I went home that evening, and I quit,

purely out of shame for what I've done. I still feel like a monster. I'm having regular therapy sessions. I have a fear of ever bringing up what I've done. So there you go. Wow. Hygiene food standards, 999. Clearly.

Wow. I don't think I've ever done it. No. No. Oh my God, yeah. I bet they do it there as well. Oh, hell no. I bet they do.

I feel like his method was more shocking than the actual crime. What the hell? Lock and load. Yeah. In the bum and then out through the... Torn. Yeah. Fuck.

That's amazing. Extra dressing. You could say I'm impressed. Ready? Mm-hmm. So I am a student at grad school. I'm still new to the way this university does their online classes. Some teachers hold live classes, others just post their lectures and let it be.

So this class professor holds live classes one day a week. That's not too bad or anything, but it would be great to have known more than an hour before class. So I'm in the outfit I came into this world in, chilling in my bed, listening to music, enjoying life. And my phone dings and I look to see we have an hour before class starts so i hop on thinking what dork is going to be in class an hour early to test my audio and stuff as i search through my clean clothes pile at the base of my bed i put my phone in my lap face up and reached over titties just swaying back and forth movement over my phone i'm just living my best life until i hear the most horrifying sound i've ever heard in my life it was the voice of an older man saying ma'am your camera is on i panicked and

shut my entire phone off and sat there in pure dread then i was like you know it's okay there are 26 people in the class just go to the lecture and your name will fade into the other names and just act like nothing happened i got back on on time for class to start and I was the only person who showed up to the lecture. I was dead silent. It was the most awkward five minutes of life as he then goes on to say the second most horrifying thing I've heard in life. I see many didn't show up today and that is fine. These sessions automatically start recording when I sign in and the university uploads them automatically within 24 hours of recording they stay up for review but not for just this class but for all future classes my titty is officially a part of

the lesson and university website for good no one has contacted me about my janet jackson nip slip and i've yet to bring it up it's just a giant titty shaped elephant in the room wow oh my god i would simply not live after that it stays on the on the server basically yeah yeah does your name stay on there as well the name disappeared not more worried about your birthday you want to identify who it is but if the name's there yo she's famous cool there's one more right my boyfriend and i were laying on the couch watching tv my stomach hurt and i was feeling really gassy and i wanted to tease my boyfriend by farting near him i was completely naked because i was getting ready to go to bed i lifted my leg up and everything absolutely was not a fart i heard it before i felt it there was a wet slap

and i sprayed shit all over the carpet in my living room it shot out like 10 inches i was just standing in a bit i was just standing in a big puddle of my own shit i got food poisoning from some bad pizza most embarrassing do you want us to reload our mouse um it's not much more to it so i'll just finish it most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me I can't stop laughing about it though My boyfriend did not think it was funny If anyone has carpet cleaning tips Let me know

Wait what was the rucksack bit? Rucksack? Did you just get shot into a rucksack? No Oh I think I misheard it That was funny though Whoa That's funny though. Whoa.

That's funny. That was my friend. What? What do you mean? They had food points and they were on holiday and it was not funny. Oh, no. I'll kill me if I ever say

any more than that. That last one for me, boy. Toupepee is funny toupee sharting finger up the bum finger up the bum toot toot

cameo cameo cameo cameo cameo cameo cameo cameo we are speechless and so pleased to have been here with you this week someone else go please We are speechless. And so pleased to have been here with you this week.

Someone else go, please. We hope you enjoyed this episode. We surely did. Make sure you check out next week's episodes when you can. If not, don't. That's fine. We don't have to. Don't make you do.

Don't make you don't want to do. But if you would, that'd be nice. Okay. No, pick me. Choose me. Please. And that was Tea at Four Thank you so much

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