Tea at Four - Ep 20: Let's Talk About Mental Health

Episode Date: May 5, 2023

Hi, and welcome to Tea at Four! A podcast series by Four Nine, where Lauren and Christie talk about all things that should have stayed in the group chat. For Mental Awareness Health Month, Lauren and Christie open up about their own mental wellbeing, how mental health can be perceived and what they do to look after themselves. And Lauren shares some news...

Hi, welcome back to TOOT4. I'm Lauren. I'm Christy and this is the podcast where we talk all things that should have stayed in the group chat. So it is the month of May and as you know, it's also Mental Health Awareness Month. It is. So I think this is a perfect opportunity to talk about mental health. Good, open the conversation up. I'm all for it. When would you say you became like most aware around the conversation or concept of mental health if i'm being honest it was probably not at school maybe at work where people be like oh i need to take some time off and you're thinking some time off like why

are you taking some time off for like where are you going i think i used to work a lot in retail before i got a proper job um and people are yeah they're off today because they don't feel too i'm thinking are you sick and when it comes back you're thinking oh were you sick oh no i just needed some time time off so like i think mentally i'm thinking mentally what are you talking about like what does that what does that actually mean and then for me it was like okay cool being able to take knowing that you can take time off to kind of like recuperate and kind of like you know what the hell am i saying but kind of like but even yeah yeah yeah i was gonna say even that's on a bit of a spectrum because like when you first

hear of people like taking mental health days off it's like you're thinking is that just because like you're quite burnt out or is this like you're feeling depressed or anxious and do you find that when people would say like oh they they're going to take a mental health day do you find the people around them were accepting of it or curious or i think back then it was just like okay whatever but then come back into to work i think now there's much more understanding there's like you actually like understand where other people are coming from there's more education behind it as well um there's so much more like resources to kind of understand what people what people

are going through there's information out there whereas before maybe i was naive when i heard i'm taking a mental health break or something i'm thinking are you checking yourself into rehab or something yeah the mental i'm just i'm just being honest because that that was me but then now it's like oh this is actually a serious issue yeah do you know i mean like people are actually going through it and it's okay to go through it it is crazy when you think in school like you're there from what four till 16 and you're doing like weekly physical education classes why the hell was it mental education popping up once in that whole time is it wrong to say that i feel like we were happier back then or there were no or there weren't enough there wasn't that kind of i

wouldn't say it's a moral panic but you know when people emphasize something a lot yeah um back then we didn't there wasn't there wasn't there was not not that much focus on like mental health mental well-being it was more about physical physical well well-being um how to communicate in class and stuff how to go through relationships and stuff there wasn't that kind of emphasis on mental health yeah whereas now um i'm pretty sure there's stats out there they're like school children are getting higher suicide rates high suicide rates therapy there's like mental um mental health counseling back in my day in school back in our day because obviously i'm not that i'm not that old i haven't had people not that old um back in our day i don't i don't recall none of that no i don't recall it at all all i

remember is the nurse yeah the nurse that's it and then i'd watch tv and then i'd see in uh like american high schools they'd have the counselor like on glee and i'm like i want that yeah but if i go to the nurse and i was to go like not feeling well in the head she just put a cold compress there you go there you go no like ice pack back to the class so maybe it was like back then adults weren't open enough to talk about yeah mental health to like the younger generation to young kids whereas now it's like because we live in a world where there's so much access the internet there's tiktok social media you're more prone to bump into those things headfirst and then for you it's like okay what is that then you're starting

asking questions for yourself like oh am i going through this or do i feel this way so you're like yeah you are more prone to ask questions you're more curious whereas i think back then we were just living in a bubble how i see i don't know if it's the same for you lauren like back then you'd be like oh i'm sad oh why are you sad you don't know why you're sad but you're sad whereas now it asks a child why are you sad oh because of this but why because there's i mean now there's a process of kind of understanding the situation that you're in as back then you're just like i'm just sad but okay you know yeah i think i think are the i mean the generation after us just are feeling things so much deeper yeah that's just an observation from me because obviously i had stuff happen when i was younger and i really

really felt it and i've kind of obviously come through that now but what i see like kids how they're able to like formulate the way that they're feeling and the extent of things that are stressing them out or causing them anxiety or depression like the age is're feeling and the extent of things that are stressing them out or causing them anxiety or depression like the age is getting younger and the issues are becoming more complex and out of our control yeah like before it might have been like for example oh when I was younger I lost a family member really close to them and then that was a case of grieving but nowadays it could be something like if you're on social media and you're mourning the loss of someone like 100 miles away that you've never even met before and

then that can even directly affect a person just as much as someone that's in their like immediate family if that makes sense um i just feel like there's so there's so much out there that we're seeing to get worried and stressed out about. Whereas before when we were younger, it was a little bit more naive and blissful. I think we were just sugar-coated. Like I said, we weren't as open at all. When I was younger, going home, I'm not on the tablet

where I can say I'm watching something on YouTube and something else pops up. There's no ads. There was nothing in our faces like that no whereas now it's like yeah you can't really you can protect but you can't in a way protect what the the youth are actually watching and yeah and stuff and obviously that will that's so true you just we were literally living in a bubble where you go home and put on tv you're watching reruns of something from five years ago nowadays if you were to turn on an ipad you're seeing what's happening on the news exactly there

everywhere youtube other people's lives comparison yeah it's just a slippery slope i'd say but i would definitely pinpoint the like the biggest moment i felt like mental health was a topic of conversation with me like in lockdown I felt I did feel like I had a good relationship with like my friends and the people around me in terms of like venting problems or if I was really suffering with my mental health I could just go to them yeah but I felt I do feel like lockdown and the pandemic was a point where I went oh my god these people that I've gone to for most of my life actually don't have the capacity to like yeah listen to what like my issues are and like my so my baseline anxious and depressed thoughts were then heightened by covid heightened by grieving at that time as well and suddenly those people that I relied on

as a support system i could no longer go to and oh my god not having an outlet for that i spiraled yeah and yeah that that made it so much more confronting like you actually need to make your mind a nice place to be otherwise you you like that would lead you on to like hating yourself yeah yes hating your mind taking yourself pushing the people around you away begrudging them for not being able to help you when that's not their fault at all i think did you find i feel like for me um with lockdown i feel like one thing it did actually um highlight for me is like we all need to spend time with ourselves like for instance lockdown for me personally and obviously my household was a time where we're very sociable people so the fact that now you can't socialize with anybody you've got to like understand who you are what you want to do

and what you like and stuff so it's having that kind of moment to kind of like um put pause on the outside and put play on you yeah and uh for some people they can do it i feel like i kind of struggled because don't get me wrong i love my i love my me time you know tea eastenders enjoying that but after a while i i was like i don't like what's going on here like i can't detach myself for the want of being outside yeah so it's like now i'm fighting myself or my thoughts or what do i want to do are we going to stay like this forever if if this is the if this is life now how is it going to affect me and it's just like the constant questions that you're asking yourself and then you're kind of like playing into your mind especially with work so I was made redundant oh my gosh and I was just like

well um I'm I'm young I don't have no savings imagine if this is life right now what am I going to do so it really kind of, I had a little mental battle with kind of like, it's okay, you can work your way throughout this. So it's just, yeah, lockdown was kind of hard. Yeah. I don't want it to come back again.

I don't want it to come back. So you liked the time, you think it's important to have the time where you spent by yourself. Yeah, but also, yeah, it is. Yeah. I do feel that. I feel I experienced the opposite in the sense of i really liked my alone time and my

independence before the control was taken away from me to have that it was like oh my god i'm not choosing out of my own right to not see anyone and have those social interactions and suddenly i really need and want this and now i feel like i'm the opposite person i actually want to be seeing people a lot more and see now i don't want to see people no more yeah crazy i'm the type of person are you coming out oh you know what i'm sick i have a headache all your time of the month so yeah y'all go out i don't have fomo no more really i used to be healthy i used to be big oh my god i'm missing that i need to be there now i'm just like y'all enjoy it yeah that's tell me about it i want to hear about it yeah that's me now that's in a way that's good

guess it's helped i do feel as well around that time and in terms of mental health like i really relied on work when you didn't have your friends or your family to be like that that communication system that routine yeah and i feel like we've maybe not really got out of that in the sense of like i rely so much on getting validation from work uh like keeping myself accountable through work or keeping myself so busy that like i don't log off at five o'clock and have that work-life balance and like carry on working because that's just like such a co-regulating system for me that I feel like maybe I've relied on that so long now like what am I without it yeah and that's a scary thought I think I've had to kind of work through yeah so in in lockdown and post lockdown I have been doing therapy. I'm a therapy girl.

I mean, it's not been an easy ride. Like I've been through several different therapists. And even the first one I went to, it was for like grief counselling. And she was on the end of the phone. She's like, I don't think you're ready to have grief counselling yet. I was like, I'm sorry, is there a rule? But could you say like, actually, you're not suffering that much right now? Which just blew my mind. But it's been an absolute privilege because I know that therapy is not. a rule but you say like actually you're not suffering that much right now um which just

blew my mind but it's been an absolute privilege because i know that therapy is not expensive but it got to a point where i was like i fucking hate myself hate the person i am right now i hate the person i am around my friends like i'm just not allowing myself to be present in life so it had to be an investment you know to make so I've been doing like therapy consistently but your brain is literally I never really like understood this until I did it because I've done like short bursts of like counseling sessions which kind of worked at the time but then it gets to a point again where you're like oh my god there's like there's a void like all these thoughts are just coming back yeah and I've never understood the importance so much of like your brain is a

muscle that you have to constantly be training yeah to deal with things and utilize those tools mechanisms to live a normal and happy life and like when when i go to a therapy session if i'm not doing the work on the seven days between the next one it's pointless of course yeah so like you go to the gym and you're trying to get better at that you've just got to do the exact same thing with your brain so you're consciously working to feel better in yourself and i feel good i feel so much better that's actually amazing yeah i want to do therapy but you should but here's the thing i think what's put not put me off is um okay so in my culture back back at home um yeah we're very emotional you know we do talk here and there pick up my parents dessa

but i feel like we are stubborn enough to kind of show our emotions so for instance I could I'm I feel like me at home I'm the type where I'm very bubbly but also I'm quite affectionate affectionate my mum's the same yeah my dad is stubborn as hell my little sister she's stubborn as hell my little brother's stubborn as hell so um when it comes to like situation where there's a disagreement or somebody's doesn't feel like someone's upset there's like a block on how do we hash this out yeah you get what i mean so we're not very comfortable in like expressing our feelings and then when we do it's okay cool what now you've expressed it what now so it's it's very like there's no um reconciliation so

you've expressed it but then there's no yeah how do you move forward so for me when it came to like when i heard of therapy and stuff my friends be doing i'm like so you're telling me you sit down in a room yeah and you're meant to just spill out your guts that's probably terrifying that scared me yeah one and two is just like i've obviously back home as well it's like oh if you're going for something just pray just just just pray just just pray which to be honest i hear it yeah you know it does work but then for me personally i'm just like we need a solution here we need a solution so because obviously i've always had that oh you don't need to vary people or blah i've kind of found other ways to kind of express myself.

So I think, for instance, if that's through painting. So I paint when I'm upset just to get through things. If not that, then I go on walks. The gym is another place of therapy. Or I'm calling up my good sis and be like, sis, I need to vent. Or bro, I need to vent. I think that's me. called up my good sis and be like sis i need to vent or bro i need to vent i think that's me so i've found it i've found other ways to kind of like dwell into a type of therapy which is not

really therapy but it's just me releasing yeah just releasing what's in my brain because if not yeah yeah i think that's really interesting you said about like the praying thing as well like something i've learned and had to come to terms with is you can go to you can outsource advice or comfort from people yeah but they're not always people aren't mind readers and they're also not going to be able to provide you with the healing that you always want like i've realized like some a person can't be everything like you could have one friend you go to and they're quite good to vent to yeah they'll give it to you back oh you think after that god i let that out you might have another friend that's a good listener yeah you might have another friend that's like a solution kind of problem or you might have another friend that's just like you know the

sympathy the people come on let me take her but but one person isn't going to be everything and i think something i had to work through was like i i can't go to six different people to fix my problems so um yeah 100 trying to you kind of done well and in in being through that and then just finding it in yourself finding myself i think so now what i do i've it in a very long time though yeah is I've got this book a journal yeah so I write so when I'm upset like I'll be writing everything out right then once I'm done I chuck that journal like behind my bed I think it's somewhere behind my bed I don't know where it is but I've not touched it in ages interesting so and then when I do let's say feel like upset go find it yeah and I read back on what I've gone through yeah I think for me that helps a lot because it's like oh look at this is where you are this is

where you are now and kind of like comparing okay this is what happened here this is how you are now and that kind of helps me to be like okay I'm okay you're growing I'm growing yeah I'm growing it's fine you go through these things yeah I tried to write in a journal but as soon as i started writing in it i was like i thought i was jane austen or something like i i write i write in my journal as if it's like going to be published 30 years later i don't know what gives a fuck about my problems yeah um but i just saw myself oh my god i even wrote like in the journal like haha who do i think i am bridget jones i'm not gonna lie i think my book at the beginning is like i said i said to myself hey christy remember you're a bad b but sometimes you're gonna have your moments but it's okay we got this let's go on a script it's like you're just talking to

yourself like the imaginary friend or the imaginary person yeah you are that's journaling for me yeah that's one of the best things about mental health i think you just talk to yourself as if you were a friend i'm a big believer in that obviously me doing a therapy i realized that i'm in a very privileged position to be able to afford that obviously wasn't the case for a long time and it has helped what used to annoy me every time is when you like you go meet a therapist for the first time and in that first session you almost want to be like oh my god i could wish i could take my brain out and put it on the table yeah every time i'm rehashing trauma and triggers yeah and you're still not getting the

whole photo the whole picture yeah and then like they don't even talk in that first thingy that's 65 pounds down the drain and i'm not even sure if we're gonna vibe you just listen to my story must be so entertaining to be a therapist she's got all the tea yeah i think it's also where it's like people need to understand that therapy is not like if i do four sessions then i'm okay exactly it's actually a journey yeah it's one way i feel like so one of my friends she's going she does therapy and she's like she thought on her like success sixth session yeah should we should be done like you know i'll be okay whatever yeah and then that's when her therapist was like i feel like we should continue and she's been going for like a good six months now but she said it's really helped her yeah and i'm just like that makes sense stuff she thought

oh yeah cool i'll go in there do whatever i gotta do then i'll then i'll be then i'll be gone whereas it it's like getting to know yourself from like the beginning to what you to where you are now because you could be started talking about one thing and then they'll be like oh do you know like where that derives from yeah that's a whole new section to unpack that is crazy yeah but it is you make a good point there about um so you might feel like you don't necessarily need it yeah but i think that's where a lot of people are at where they they think oh i'm good like i don't i don't get depressed or anxious thoughts but i think it's so healthy to kind of be checking in with yourself every so often and not everyone can afford therapy but i utilize a lot of things like podcasts and like i think there is conversation around it

but i think education awareness is not there and like i've listened to a few podcasts that help me understand like the science of the the way you feel like you feel even when i was younger i wish i understood like hormones a little bit more not in the like you know sexual aspect more like how that will affect me feeling like the world was going to end um when i was younger and it's like yeah i listen to these podcasts that just like explain like what triggers are what base basic anxiety what what trauma is and it just i feel like a textbook everyone should have. Yeah. Because then you just have more compassion for people and, yeah, just more worldly... Knowledge.

Worldly knowledge. That's not grammar, but that's the words. Yeah. Is that what we were saying? I hear what you're trying to say, yeah. I hear it. I also feel like with therapy, what we have to be careful with is of course

there's a lot of people on the internet so there's tiktok there's social media and people be like oh you're going through this because of that it's it's one of them ones where yes it's free access but also find the time to kind of delve into trying to find therapists that you can actually afford because you feel like you can take the easy option out and be like oh yeah cool i'm just gonna listen to a podcast or listen to this person on tiktok but then how is it really helping you um it yeah i don't know i think if if you're at that point where you can't be forking out that amount of money a week it is really it's like a lifeline i'm not gonna lie that's why i think it is good for stuff like tick tock to but then it's good again it's hard because it's that whole thing of like if you're sad you might be having a sad day yeah that whole thing of like i start watching a few sad tick tocks

a few sad films a few sad playlists she's got the drake on she's in her field am i delving more into the sadness by like you know like the algorithm the algorithm could make me sad before my own fucking brain does it's true yeah yeah and it's like i but i don't know that's that's a very a little bit skeptical view but even when i think about podcasts it's been so helpful for me because i even went through a phase where i was like struggling with emotional eating and it was through tiktok that i watched one video about something and then i start understanding oh my god this is like a like a binge eating disorder and then from that then you

get to see online coaches that yeah that are trying to provide a service but just like just more understanding of everything that just makes you feel like you're at least one step closer to feeling better about yourself as well as like making the the most of what you said like if when work have like these um options that that these perks that you know you can utilize as well i think it's not shying away from that i feel like a lot of people are oh yeah the work provides this but i don't want to do it because i'm prideful yeah just do it just do it just do it yeah if you're second guessing therapy just do it just yeah help yourself out give yourself some flowers even if you're being curious like i'm not doing so well up there today yeah tend to it don't just keep pushing it away

and especially if the help is there i think we're actually so lucky to be able to come to work and cry in front of your manager like if you were to do that 20 years ago they'd look at you be like why are you crying what is going on but the conversation around everything from like even being a young person in a cost of living crisis to things like postpartum depression like I don't know suicide rate suicide what's the word suicide rates grief yeah we are a lot more aware of it and I'm so grateful that I can come into work and say to my manager like I am not doing well well yeah I'm not doing well and people are really accepting of it yeah i'm so grateful because we've come a long way we've come a long way

yeah male suicides have consistently accounted for approximately three quarters of all suicides in the uk since the mid 1990s why do you think it is that men are more likely to commit suicide than women shocking statistic scary um from my knowledge i think men just are not ones to open up about their emotions and feelings as easy as women yeah even when i think about like my dad he's there in like a logistical capacity he's there to be a fixer but anything emotional it's like yeah blank canvas i also feel like it's because like back in the day men i was meant to be like the breadwinner you're meant to man up you know i mean you're not meant to stereotype exactly when females are more nurturing you know we're mothering this is that so i guess that has played a big part yeah um so when it comes to i feel like um male friendship groups or like i say even brothers and stuff yeah i don't think they talk

through their breakups i don't think they talk about that if they failed in something i don't think they talk about that so it's one of them so i'll just brush it off it's that that's 100 the problem we we still probably carry this outdated view that it's a conversation for women to be having yeah and it's definitely got a lot better but that does make sense hearing about men not being able to talk yeah comfortably with their friends even now i think they do it in like a jokey capacity and um that probably doesn't happen enough which means that as you were just saying like if i'm not having those conversations or them outlets or that expression that's building up of course yeah and then what do you do with that i feel like guys maybe as like boys when they're growing up they're kind of taught you know like man up and not're growing up they're kind of taught to you know like man up and

not to cry and you're kind of taught all these things as you're growing up which is like very toxic yeah whereas girls are maybe allowed to show their emotions a bit more and express themselves yeah so guys end up you know bottling it up and they've not learned how to express those emotions like in a healthy way yeah so then those conversations are never had between guys basically yeah um so i guess it's just about normalizing the conversation more and i think it is getting better i think it is i do find that i open up to my male friends more than i open up to my female friends a lot of my male friends do open up to me more than they open up to their to their guys i feel like it's

just you see then again it could be down to the part of like oh yeah females are more nurturing they're meant to listen so maybe they're more comfortable to like speak to a female because they're meant to be understanding that they're not meant to judge whereas they the man then be like oh come on not you know i mean it's kind of like oh not again type of thing so they kind of hide away from that but i also do feel like um with in terms of like films films movies um tv shows and music you're seeing more of those scenarios where guys are opening up so it kind of is kind of trying to normalize that it's nothing wrong with you know yeah shedding the tear a tear or two or like just saying hey i'm having a bad day i feel like this x y z just expressing yourself so um i do feel like that's that's

helping a lot um but yeah i think that's so yeah really important and if anything encourages men something i'm 100% looking for in like a partner yeah man is for them to be vulnerable yeah and i just don't think you could have like a sustainable relationship if it's one-sided like if i feel like i don't think i could be fully vulnerable to a person that couldn't reciprocate it back. Yeah. Hundred. So they've got to start that early. Get ready for my tears.

Boys cry all day. Yeah. I just think that's an interesting way to look at it. But it's definitely could be done more. And also like sober. it's um definitely could be done more and also like sober i think we're more inclined to like you know kind of express yourself yeah yeah go bottle wine a couple of beers and then you're sitting down and you're just chit-chatting away but then when the alcohol hits then all of a sudden you're just spilling spilling spilling tea basically and the worst parts about

them conversation is that it might feel you might feel better in the moment but the next day exactly like there's not that sense of comfort that there should be if you had that and you were so it's like you've you spilled what you had to spill no one's no one's cleared it up yeah going about your business the next day you're seeing oh shit what did i say yeah you're over shared exactly now you're panicking like oh my god oh my god i should not done that and i feel like we need to hide away from one finding comfort in those type of scenarios where it's like because we're drunk then i can express my my feelings but also we need to learn to just to be comfortable within ourselves and with other people yeah even if that's just one person that's a start to get

yeah um but we've got a long way to go but it's getting better it is actually getting better just asking for help it's absolutely not easy no but like the most i say it all the time but like that whole concept of a problem share a problem shared is a problem halved yeah because the amount of times i've struggled in myself and i felt like I was alone I remember there was this one time in lockdown and I was at the peak of my mental health illness and um I put like this video on my stories I've never done anything like it before but like it was a video of me like crying and I was just to be fair it looked like I was crying

about the pandemic but really it was just like a accumulation of things and it was just too much and I put this on my story and instantly I was like embarrassed I was like oh my god why the fuck did I do that that's so vulnerable but the amount of people that like replied to it and went like oh my god thank god you said it yeah like I like that's something I've been thinking in my head for so long and I've not been able to, like, even talk to the people around me closest about it. That's why even if you're doing it online, having that other person reach out and go, oh my God, there's no one I can speak to, like, in real life.

But thanks for putting out the branch. Yeah. I think it's really important that we don't avoid the question, are you okay? Because I feel like, of course, people ask hey you're right yeah just like you know what no i'm not yeah just be just be comfortable to answer that question a lot of people just sugarcoat that question i feel like that question is the start of like understanding how you're feeling for yourself yeah and you never know that person could actually help you they might say one

little thing that can be like okay cool so true do you know what i mean although i'm a bad person for that are you okay it's like i'm about to spill i'm about to tell you my whole life story that's fine yeah because you never know at that moment in time that person might be going through something and they are you okay asking you is you basically opening up for them to be able to vent as well so you never know exactly you never know so i feel like before that are you okay are you okay yeah i'm fine just put a face on like yeah i'm bubbly british are worse for it it's just like automatic response yeah yeah i'm fine thanks and then you go about your business oh no you're not fine you better go back to that person be like you know

what actually no i'm not so it's i think learning to answer that question and not being afraid to definitely yes yeah and just do things that get in touch with your feelings we're we're so classic for pushing things down and just like me even the whole thing about sadness i don't really let myself into it and feel it because i'm like i don't want to get stuck there yeah like i've got so much to do but sadness is that she isn't a bad emotion and nothing's permanent you can have a bad you know bad moment or a bad day but it's not it's not gonna stick with you you'll be good if you just have a sad little moment then you can carry on going it's so much healthier to like lean into

your emotions than keep yeah but yeah in the back burner because then once it gets heavy please you'll be on my knees praying yeah yeah yeah i mean i've been given like a it's called like an emergency toolkit okay and it's like those moments where you feel really triggered um kind of coming away from your like mental analytical i'm very analytical person so like as soon as something goes wrong my mind spirals if there was a top line thing of like say someone took a photo of me an example of something that happened and i hated the way i looked that would then go into so many different things like oh my god this is how the world sees me i'm a fucking ugly pig um like i should change the way i look i'm never

going to be deserving of love i am nothing like i'm just not desirable i'm not trying to like i could go on all day what is that i think it's just like drilling oh okay um yeah i could go on all day like ruminating on those bad thoughts but it's a lot to do with like we actually forget we've got whole bodily bodily sensations and you can kind of do small things to take your your mind away from i don't know going into that dark place by doing physical things so like for example i mean i say it and when i my therapist told me for the first time i was like fuck off you're talking absolute shit that's annoying that you suggested me doing that but it's things that like bring you comfort so when you feel yourself started going into that like self-deprecating or self-hating I am nothing thing just like going oh I'm gonna change like this motion change my train of thought

by doing like going making a cup of tea a different motion that's like stopping your brain in its tracks yeah or I don't know whether it's calling a friend or doing something that brings you basically as well like the whole thing of your inner child if you were tending to your your child self sat in front of you what would bring them comfort because a lot of those feelings that I have now are kind of if you unpacked it it does come from you know back then back then and I think just like what what would bring your inner child comfort right now and it's like I'm gonna take myself an ice cream I'm an adult I can literally get up and do that and then it's also doing stuff very intentionally so like waking up early first

thing don't go on your phone first thing try meditate or just give yourself like small atomic habits that make you feel like you are looking after yourself and taking control of those bad thoughts because it's so easy to fall into the bad and oh my god i've been there yeah um but yeah and also just don't be scared to um let them out because i feel like the more that you resist them the more yeah the more they come and the other things in the emergency toolbox were like like scents that make you feel really calm or like some people might go out and do a run to exasperate energy and i feel like we're so obsessed with this high paced life and like distracting and things like that but actually just slowing down and doing things like yoga or you know reading or going for a walk is a lot yeah nap sleep sleep regenerates them thoughts

good night yeah good night yeah yeah for sure or like listening to a podcast something that will that will take you out of that mindset where you feel like yeah it's just gonna be bad forever it's just almost going oh my god stop for a second let's do something else oh that feeling that i was just feeling five minutes ago actually didn't need to get that bad something that's gonna break the thought pattern yeah exactly yeah yeah i find that's the hardest part but as soon as you get over that and do something then you're up and out of bed and you're like actually you know i'm feeling a lot better now because you've interrupted that thought process exactly shut that door open the next door yep that was a bit fun there yeah yeah although

mine's gone like i've gone through weird phases where i've just it takes you a while to figure out what's what's the right thing to stop the process because it can be unhealthy habits but the more you invest in yourself mine was so unhealthy do you know um the goo pots say less say less yeah yeah i've got so like literally i use that little ramekins everywhere i actually use that as my little paint pots now that's how bad it is i've got that much at home because of that yeah yeah that's all right have compassion for yourself that's what she wanted at the time yeah feel like poo have a go

there you go obviously i've been sat there sprawling all about briefly going into my history with it but would you say you're someone that suffers with mental health or anxiety i feel like i now suffer with anxiety now just because um i'm a very bubbly person as everybody knows i am the life of the party you know i'm the clown in the room and i love it but i do also feel like i can't have moments where i am allowed to be um upset yeah or quiet or just have some down time because people expect so much of me yeah so um yeah it's it's it's weird for me it's kind of like it took me a while to kind of learn that you're allowed to be quiet yeah but then i feel like i'm the i'm the friend that people ask me oh i'm going through this i'm the listener that's nice but when it's the other way around when it's

my moment tonight i'm going through this i don't have those people to talk to yeah which is weird because i'm just like i'm not always kind of trick myself and be like you're not meant to feel like that just go back to the bubbly self but what that does then is like i'm there piling a lot of shenanigans behind me and i feel like i've learned to have a great poker face okay so i could be going through shit and nobody will know there yeah and so i've i've yeah it's second nature to me now that's true i think it's really bad but no i think a big aspect of mental health is identity i feel that i feel like with the sad things that have happened to me i get really scared that because i've acted out in a certain way people are going to view me as a sad girl. Yeah.

Like fucking sad girl somewhere over there. That's just her whole thing. Yeah. And that's even hard, like in those moments where you're feeling shit and like, oh my God, this sadness is never going to end. That's the kind of thing that can stop you from wanting to help yourself to get better.

True. Than just, you know, sitting in it and dwelling in it. Like, oh, well, that's just me now.

And it's weird now because at first i'd be the person that fomo i used to be like no i'd i hate having fomo but now i'm just like i've come to a point where it's like no i'm not gonna do what i used to do before so in terms of like always being on social media i barely post these days yeah so that's i think that's one thing when my friends are like are you hey christy are you alive yeah i'm good just have a me time but are you sure like that's not the thing i'm good i'm good so in terms of that posting i've stopped that completely not completely but i'm not as

in tuned um i deleted twitter for a long while i think that was where my anxiety started because a lot of people are doing thoughts it's like a thought for a lot of people are doing stuff like they say for instance they're in better jobs or they're they're doing this and i'm just like what am i doing myself yeah and obviously because you're always constantly on that thing scrolling you're seeing loads of things that are happening you're thinking okay how why is this happening for them it's like and it's not happening for me so you're thinking like am i good enough yeah twitter and instagram the worst that it's like being like massively telepathic like the whole cast of inside out on these fucking different platforms on twitter i'm seeing everyone's thoughts yep on instagram

i'm seeing what everyone's doing yeah what am i supposed to do all that and process my own yeah so i think it's trying to battle get rid of the the noise a little bit exactly and then i think what for me as well for instance i instead of using stuff like the twitters and the instagram snapchat for instance you see how naturally you can kind of categorize your private story with your public story so what i've done to help myself is um where i can be vulnerable yeah will be my private story so all my closest friends where i'm well yeah where i'm happy enough to express sometimes i'm going through shit or So all my closest friends- I think this is what a lot of people are doing. Where I'm happy enough to express sometimes I'm going through shit or guys,

I look like dog's dinner today. This is what happened to me. They can actually have access to that. And I think for me, that's my comfort space. Whereas before it's like, I've got all these public places. But why don't you feel like you can be that on your public account?

The public Christy is not, can't be upset that's how i think wow yeah so i yeah do you think you'll ever move out of that mindset or no no i don't think i'm comfortable yet i think it's the anxiety hence why when going out as well i don't like being around people that i don't know yeah i get that and i think especially on social media like there's so many different eyes on you that you guess the only people you want to know that you're feeling like that are the people closest to you exactly so why would i just do it so someone could be nosy about the way i'm feeling about is that when i started out i had no worries at all i was like you know what yeah i'm gonna do this i'm this person but then after a while it's like you you're tired of playing into that facade yeah it's like okay cool you

it's it's tiring i'm tired now i really just want to be me so i do feel like throughout the years my anxiety has heightened it's heightened now then then before before would be like yeah whatever yeah but now i'm just like yeah i'm just the calm cool and collected christy you are but there's nothing wrong with saying if you're having a bad day no i i am you know i i'm getting there so she's on the edge but surely um it is a a work in progress but like you said it's like just trying to find that outlet for one and i do feel like i'm being more acceptant to my emotions and how i do feel nice and when my friends do hit up and be like what's going on i i am open to tell them like the question are you okay yeah are you okay yeah i will tell you if i'm not okay i will let you know i will let you know so um yeah it's i've come a long

way yeah still going through it but have you ever suffered with like obviously you don't feel anxiety generally have you ever suffered with like panic attacks or any like physical um effects of anxiety even if you're not feeling up there um oh panic attacks for example the last couple months i felt like i was on top of the world with my therapy i felt like oh my god i'm the best i've ever been but i've been having these like weird physical like heart palpitations sweating like all these like physical uh symptoms of just basically not being well like my body's on overdrive like adrenaline is just going through and through and i've been to the doctor i was like someone is physically wrong with me i'm not it's my thyroid

and i'm there doing like the ecg tests and stuff and then it comes down to it they've done a whole And I've been to the doctor's. I was like, someone is physically wrong with me. It's my thyroid. And I'm there doing like the ECG tests and stuff. And then it comes down to it. They've done a whole check over it. And they're like, this is in your head. And I think that is the scariest part is that you actually can feel like you're in control of it. But if you're getting to the point where you're going too fast or too much or bottling up, or maybe you are talking about some things, but like you're going to for life in other ways like works too much and then you don't have time for like self-care

and slowing down yeah your body reacts oh your body knows before your brain does but my face is round but my face is round i know i'm swollen yeah i know i'm overwhelmed yeah even stuff like how important your nervous system is and like yeah digesting foods my ibs is flaring if i'm stressed um and that was information i didn't need to show on the internet because it wasn't relevant to anything so you're welcome panic attacks don't you yeah again this is the part of the podcast where we react to some brutal confessions from the worldwide web yeah okay christy let's go arranged to meet a guy from grinder in a local park

found him in the dark at the agreed time and had a quick route what a quick okay as i got back to my car a message arrived from the guy saying he was running 10 minutes late i still have no idea who i fucked in the dark that night oops sorry who uses the word root as a sexual i was thinking i was like what's going on here he's playing gardening just having a quick root of the weeds um what so did she not want to say hi or ask gay oh did he not want to hey like introduce himself maybe not that's mad in the dark in the park that's dangerous so who was that oh boy wow was it good though and are you gonna go back for round two with the person that you're actually meant to meet root your weeds boy brutal meter i want to say it's brutal but it's a bit like whoa so i give it like a it's eight yeah yeah yeah oh my god yeah you don't know where they've come from

exactly that's scary okay found 16k in a suitcase of my new home when replacing loft insulation owner came back and asked me if he could check the attic or if i'd found a suitcase i told him i hadn't but insulation company had gutted it i even went and checked while he sat nervously in my new porch brutal that's amazing 16k you're just forgetting that's fucking sat up in your little loft that's the thing like if you're moving out you would know yeah i think that's one of the first things i would go and do get get me money yeah yeah go collect your get your cryptos up in the loft what what do you do oh my god that's would you would if you did it would you spend it would i spend it i mean 16k is a lot of money that's fraud 911 rogue detectors what would you do um i mean it's moral dilemma isn't it

uh i would just be scared like i i was being like watched on a camera for antidextrion take away and they were seeing how much of a good person i am and then it's probably would be like oh there's 60k for charity in the suitcase upstairs let's see if lauren does it and there i am already on fucking asos.com buying up the whole shop or every wish is in the past to get checked out so yeah brutal me up okay bartender here probably most terrifying story i experienced was this woman who came into my bar years ago and had two shots and a drink and was really quiet for the first hour then she called me over and asked if i could call the police i said what was the problem Then she called me over and asked if I could call the police.

I said, what was the problem? She then told me she had just... What? Stabbed and sliced the neck of a mugger in the alley and wanted to make sure he was dead first before she supported it. Report it. Reported it. Did I not say that? You said supported it.

Yeah, I support you. Okay. She then told me she had just stabbed and sliced the neck of a mugger in the alley and wanted to make sure he was dead first before she reported it no police were called mugger found dead woman not arrested or charged she denied ever telling me that she wanted to wait an hour before calling the police claim that he had passed out in an alley and woke up and then came the came into the bar in shock so one drink and two shots is telling me that you're unusually calm about the scenario so you've

done it before and you one drink and how many shots two christy two shots so you've nursed your drink because i'm not taking you're not down in the drink so you've nursed your drink you're reminiscing what you just did is probably replaying your head tequila lime do you know what i mean still sat there she's a serial killer correct brutal meter 10 yeah break the meter even say less honestly scary she didn't get she didn't get arrested that's crazy okay why do i always get the toilet once my girlfriend left the toilet without flushing i accidentally saw and smelled her poop in the toilet in the toilet it was disgusting should i break up with her no you freak everyone poos exactly and why are you sniffing it what are

you looking are you telling me you scooped no that's disgusting what's going on my girlfriend left the toilet without flushing i accidentally saw and smelled her poop in the toilet you just made up a whole detail that he's taken out of his bare hands in the air true he's not playing a fucking slime why didn't he say that it smelled he just are you joking me in the he said in the toilet not in the air in the toilet so are you pooing in the air then how would you say that if you walked into a toilet oh mate your poo is in the air no but it's the way he said and smelled her poop in the toilet the poop's in the toilet so he's probably just lent over come on that's still disgusting we're not yeah that is revolting your nozzle down the brutal needs have some decorum grace jane 20 please you're breaking the brutal meat off of me really that's disgusting that's brutal that he's gonna split up

with her yeah i don't think you should maybe tell her that's what you did and maybe she'll break up with you for doing that weird correct correct you're obsessed with my poop gosh when i was 20 i met the perfect man handsome kind funny intelligent generous invited him to my 21st birthday he met my sister they've been together for 15 years and have three kids being the maid of honor was the hardest day of my life bumba clart all my life what's this with people getting with people in people's families bro there's seven billion people in the world and i learned that number from a justin bieber song and you're still getting with my you met him at 20 came to your birthday at 21 met your sister at your birthday and now has three kids with your sister in a year they've been together 15 years so since her 21st they've been together 15 years well sorry sorry put that in your pipe and smoke it

brutal meter 10 10 yeah that hurts boy yeah all right let's do one more i once got my annual salary paid in one month no one contacted me from our wages department i emailed them a few days later but put a comma rather than a dot in the address so it would fail to send what a guy and so i'd have proof i told them that was eight years ago no one's ever contacted me well the company's not down the pan because they've just given away fucking 20 grand in one sitting yeah whoa that's actually quite smart putting a comma before it's quite smart wow brutal me are five five yeah cool so this is the part of the show where you spill the tea and we try not to are you ready you lauren yes please christine let's go let's spill it baby

great tracky grey tracky Okay Ready? Ready? I just found out I've been dating my dad for almost four months So I've never met my dad He ran

I've never met my dad He ran out on my mum when he found out she was pregnant with me There are no pictures of him anywhere and my mom hates talking about him all i know is that he was emotionally abusive to her and a real asshole i 25 male have always had a thing for older men cool is a fetish or daddy issues but i only date or sleep with men aged 40 and upwards my family don't know this or that i'm gay for that matter it wouldn't be an issue they've just never asked me don't talk about personal things like that about six months about six months ago i met david at a club we hit it off straight away he's in great shape for his age really attractive and

charming he left for two weeks on a work trip a few days after we'd met but we messaged constantly and i really liked him we went on a date when we got back and have been dating ever since he has a lot of money and i'm basically his sugar baby but that's not the reason why I was attracted to him. Definitely a plus though. I didn't tell anyone we were dating apart from my two best friends. He also never met any of my friends or family and I never met his. This changed last night. We were at a restaurant when out of the corner of my eye I spotted my mum she had not seen us yet but david noticed me looking at her i'll forever remember the way his face changed when he saw her his expression went from causal his expression went from causal to this blank casual

his expression went from casual to this blank panicked look i obviously noticed and got a really bad feeling so i asked him what was wrong and he just got up and excused himself i kept asking where he was going and grabbed him so he couldn't leave at this point i was really confused and suspicious but i would never have guessed what would happen next at some point whilst he was getting up my mum must have spotted us because the next thing i know she's standing next to our table asking me what was going on i couldn't really pinpoint her facial expression because it looked like she was horrified but i obviously didn't know why by this point david was visibly uncomfortable and looked like he wanted to die he was literally sweating i was about to explain what was going on when my mum

said when my mum said why would you go behind my back like this i was so confused but thought she was angry because she didn't know i was gay i was annoyed so i casually told her so i casually told her i was just on a date with my boyfriend and tried to grab david's hand but he jumped up and ran away my mum looked like she was frozen in place her expression made my skin crawl she told me to get up and go with her i quickly paid for our drinks and appetizers and left with mum we sat in her car in silence for 10 minutes i was texting david asking why he ran away but he didn't reply when my mum finally spoke she asked me who i thought david was and i explained to her how we'd met and how much i loved him eventually she told me who he was my real dad i cried like i've never cried before i wanted to puke it's been two days

now and we haven't spoken about it since oh my god what an extended storyline mate horrible no but he's a pussy because why not dare to then do like i think i'm your dad bro did he not fucking look at him and then see himself right back up brother he yo why are you running away what daddy yeah daddy why are you running away don't go anywhere save your chest that's so fucked up i cannot even imagine whoa hold on hold on hold on don't have the same surname probably not might take a mom's yeah but then shouldn't he know mom's surname they've never spoken about him or anything that's fucking crazy my ex thinks i broke up with him because i didn't want a relationship

the truth is we did 69 with him on top and he had a dingleberry hanging from his crack. What's that? I couldn't look at him the same way again. A dingleberry is like a piece of shit attached to the hair. There's another word for that. A win it. A what? Win it.

A win it. Win it. What? a what? win it a win it win it what? you can go through win it wow that's disgusting I mean you can't judge everyone you can't

you can't okay we lost dad to prostate cancer last year that's not funny I'm so sorry prison that's not funny that's not

no that's not that's not it's because I read ahead That's not funny. That's not. No, that's not. It's because I read ahead and I can see what's coming. Right. Yep. That's going to be a good show, isn't it? Okay.

Oh come on, let me have a napkin. Cap. Oh my god okay as i was saying stop i can't because you're like laughing okay stop I can't because you're like laughing I just spilled even the tea on my fucking lap fuck's sake so we lost dad to prostate

cancer last year my sister read that it can be caused by not ejaculating regularly now mom and sis ask me openly have you tossed yourself off today i'm 32 single and live at home help me wasn't that funny no wow i was in h&m changing room trying on loads of clothes when the sensation to piss suddenly hit me it was so instant that my body just decided to do it and I had no control there was nothing around me apart from piles of clothes and I was naked so I had no time to figure something out

so I just pissed all over about a thousand pounds worth of clothes worst of all my own clothes got pissed on too I decided to put my pissy clothes on the floor and put my hand on the door lever ready to pounce out of there like a cat and run for the door. But just as I do, the shop assistant starts knocking and asking if I need help because she heard something spill. I accidentally shoved her out of the way during my mad rush to the door when I hear,

what the fuck? There's piss everywhere. Stop him. I hid behind a bin for half an hour trying to figure my life out he let the impulsive thoughts win that's so funny i get them feeling sometimes not pissing oh my gosh that's funny cool and that was it oh Oh my God. The last. The last. Ta-ra. Your last spilling. Tea. Ha ha ha. Okay. So that was it for today's show.

Fun. If you liked this episode, make sure you tune in next week. But also, Lauren, do you want to spoil the tea? Yeah, I'm not going to be here basically I'm off I'm off on my travels

for a couple of months but you're left in good hands yep uh Christy will

be left alone with her thoughts um spilling all the teas spilling all the teas

and if you have any make sure to send them to tf4 at jungle creations dot com

but I'll miss you and I'll miss tf4 it's been it's been a fun ride and i'll miss you and i'll miss t4 it's been it's been a fun ride and i'll be back and it'll be better than ever she ain't going nowhere she's still here i'll be back we'll put a picture up for her yeah so make sure you guys stay tuned like comment subscribe and share and we'll see you guys in the next episode Bye!