Tea at Four - Ep 34: Brighton Pride, British Summers and The Backdoor Loophole Theory

Episode Date: August 11, 2023

In today's episode the team are at Brighton Pride for 49 Degrees! In a classic British turn of events, they weren't able to film on the beach and sported ponchos for most of the day but that didn't stop us celebrating! We'll be talking about our ideal summer vibes, throwback stories and sharing some of your shocking stories in Don't Spill The Tea. Make sure to follow us on TikTok for more content - https://www.tiktok.com/@four.nine?lang=en

is the back door anal anal for jesus no i got that happy bride everyone hi welcome back to tier four and today we're here at brighton pride we were supposed to be filming on the beach but look at the state of it um i think we're gonna have to find some shelter let's go let's. Let's go! Let's go! Let's go! Hi, welcome back to Tea at Four. I'm Ellie. I'm Scott. I'm Trisha. And this is a podcast where we talk all things

that should have stayed in the group chat. How are we all feeling in our little... I'm going to say pod. We've got to address the elephant in the room, right? We're somewhere very different right now

yeah we're at Pride Pride in Brighton we are in Brighton Pride live Pride Brighton can I not say it that way

or is that a bit crazy don't worry I'm crazy I'm not saying what I want we're still coming to you live from the beach you just can't see the beach this is my first Pride

first ever Pride I've never been to the one in Brighton I did end up in the one in brighton i did end up in the one in london in the parade in the parade what were you doing well i don't know i was just trying to cross the road and the next thing you know i was like in it the people of brighton have come to play and not come to play at the same time yes it's like skimpy old outfits underneath ponchos but they're clear so we can still see it. It's working.

It's fashion. It's hot. I love it. Yeah. So, I mean, once we're done in here, we're going to be up there. I mean, the parade is literally. With the people. I can see it.

It's just up there. So then afterwards, we're going to go. We're going to see who we can find. See who we can chat to. I'm going to find some people. Find myself a wife. I'm sure it's going to. Exactly, baby.

That's the aim of today. That is. That is. I'm going to get a ring on my finger. What's your type if you were going to get buried? What's your type?

I don't know. I haven't got a type really. Okay. Physical-wise, no idea. So if you're in Brighton and you're a person, Ellie's it. Make me laugh

and you've got me. I'm trying to get the summer vibe. Yeah. I mean... Right. What is the summer vibe? What is the summer vibe to use? summer vibe Yeah I mean Right What is the summer vibe? What is the summer vibe to use?

Not this I mean This has been the least Summery Summer I think I was saying this to My housemate the other day right

Yeah That The whole of June Oh dear lord We've got a live card It's my wife It's my wife It's arrived

It's the seafront team it's like real life Baywatch my wishes have come true she can't park there she's the seafront team you can't stop her so for anyone listening

there's a massive quad bike that just pulled up odds on you're still the quad bike yeah those are the people who keep us safe on the beach they can

park anywhere they like wherever they like yeah they heard this was going on and they were like hold on guys she's truly just gone she's just left this is a summer vibe though to be fair i know get me one of those she's reversing y'all if you've never seen a woman on a quad bike reverse this is literally what's it called it is it is i mean it's everything but i mean it's a red quad bike so that's all it's giving but other than that there's no pamela anderson and there's no sunshine let's say also the like iconic thing about baywatch is that they run they probably do have quad bikes in my mind they're like

up to the beach and then they jump off probably is that what you do yeah provide your own sound effect

always it's actually just a normal bike you're just like yeah but before I was rudely interrupted

I was saying that summer isn't summer but like yeah it just doesn't feel like it, does it? Like June was hot, but August has just been a bit of a flop. People were in coats. Yeah. This is my first full summer in England. And let me tell you, it's never happening again.

It's going to be my last. This is very English summer to me. It's so typical. Like, I mean, the idea of english summer is so fun but in actuality it's really not because it's always crappy weather or i don't know there's always just some sort of issue yeah everyone was always like oh london london summer's so fun and are they yeah everyone always says london summer's so fun and there's no it's got like there's always things going on in london it's not and have you ever smelt central london in the heat it literally

smells like poo like it rises up out the drains like especially early in the mornings when i used to work in um in like central by liverpool street as well and still do but like yeah when you come out really early in the morning it would literally just stink that's so yeah i still got covid nose so luckily i haven't got covid nose yeah like so can you can you smell anything or like yeah like my brother's baby obviously she shut in her nappy when i was holding it and i just couldn't smell a thing and my brother came in and he's like stinks in here and i was like that's it i literally just had no clue yeah can't smell anything yeah summer vibes everyone nappy what would be your ideal summer vibe though realistically um probably 28 degree heat with a breeze only in the uk that's that's the only time i'm happy in the uk yeah oh london summer stresses me out because like i i grew up in an actual

desert and still like the in we don't have the infrastructure here everything slows down the trains can't go because the rails are too hot. We're just not built for it. So it's been getting hotter and hotter. And I'm like, you say we're built for the winter, but then in the winter, the trains don't run because they're too cold. I'm not saying we're built for the winter. I'm saying we don't have the infrastructure for summer. Like even in the autumn, sometimes if the wrong type of leaves fall on the track.

Really? Yeah, because they turn into like a mush. And so they can't. So like a lot of the time you hear cancellations where it's like oh there are leaves on the track and people are like oh that's so silly i'm just the wrong type of leaves i'm always sat on the train and it stops and i just couldn't give a fuck about what i'm like like everyone always takes out their earphones to be like why have we stopped like

i can't do anything about it can i so i've just got to sit here and wait you there what is going on in our head of yours say what say what's some other things hate it yeah my ideal summer because i grew up in spain i just think lazy because i had three months of summer when i was at school so yeah getting up at two o'clock in the afternoon and then men because all the tourists will come over from england and i'll be lazy and men yeah those are my two vibes basically cocktails getting up at two o'clock in the afternoon and then yeah exactly cocktails yeah that's it basically and beach but when it's actually sunny i mean i like going and like getting a couple drinks sitting in the park obviously that's probably different for you because like is that a thing in america to be like go and drink in the park um the oldest i

was when i was in america was 11 so i mean probably not i i wasn't drinking in a park and i didn't know anyone who was but people may have been but yeah i feel like that's just like such a big part of like british culture what about summer comes you're going to summer camp yes yeah summer camp is a big thing i mean i went to pgl once parents get lost is it summer camp it's like it's like summer camp yeah but like you go with school But like, you go with school. Anyone? Anyone go? Anyone? Yes, right. Thank you.

I was gifted and talented kid when I was at school. So a lot of the summers, I went to summer school. But not summer school that was like a punishment. Summer school that was a reward. What, like camp rock? No, no, no. That's a camp. No, what I did was I finished school and then I

went to a different school to do other school things in the summer. Oh, that sucks. And they were like, because you're so smart, what you really want is more health. It was weird. I did love it a little bit. I was once in a musical about Sherlock Holmes and math and it was called Mastering Math. That sounds great. And I played Sherlock Holmes.

Get Elliot Dickens. Can you do a reenactment right now? math and it was called mastering math that sounds great and i played she's mastering math mastering math it's just a matter of finding the path she learns more each day the problems away summer number one and i played shirley holmes you know what that's too much of a man's name gets the end of love island you're in the talent show that's what you need to say oh my god yes i probably would have to get like the rights for it because we didn't write it copyrighted yeah what would be your love island talent shows I've thought about this so

many times literally it's a daily occurrence for me to think about what I would do but I actually don't know I think about this every day no answer that's why I think about it so often that's why I think about it all the time because I'm like fuck what would I do I mean I could do math like that's why i think about it so often that's why i think about it all the time i'm like

fuck what would i do i mean i could do math like that's why have you tried making it to a musical exactly i would probably need your song yeah i mean give me the rights i mean mine would probably be if they could bring a trampoline in for me i'm good at trampolining oh my god some of you would not think this of me but i used to do trampolining when i was younger did you do competitive trampolining yeah that's so cool yeah so get me a trampoline out are we flipping what kind of stress can you do out all of them i didn't have trampolining at school i went to a very poor school yeah we only had like one it's a wonder i didn't fall through it

yeah i think we had like three trampolines yeah I didn't fall through it Yeah I think we had like Three trampolines The fuck I didn't even have a field in my school I had to play rugby on concrete No rainy day would be great Oh my god I've still got scars on my knees

I had to play bare knuckle rugby The field that we used Was literally just the rugby And football club That was over the road From the school But no you were just On the concrete yeah no hardcore rugby yeah hard hard concrete rugby yeah basically but yeah lovely school

so when i moved back to the uk I moved to like the East Midlands And there was very little to do Where I grew up There, not in America It's very confusing But when summer came We would all go to this place called Nine Bridges Which was basically just a lake

With nine bridges And we would just go there Creative Nine bridges and you would just go there creative nine bridges and you would just wade in rocks all right okay pretty much it and then there was like a deeper bit that was absolutely disgusting and sometimes we'd just be like days going the deep bit days going the deep bit and then you would and you'd feel like grossness forever and that was summer well that's fun though

that's fun to be fair I used to sort of do something similar we had like a lock near me in Tellington so like everyone

would like climb off this big bridge and like jump into the river yeah that was quite fun I used to try and like not kill myself but like

but basically okay yes uh huh I hope not I grew up on the beach so it'd be like it'd be like red flag waves i'm really excited to learn to where this is coming now the segue was hot so it'd be like red flag waves and my mom was like wouldn't pay any attention like yeah so i just go in the sea

with like my rubber ring when there was like massive waves and then i would like love it when i would like crack you know when like waves crash into like into the shore i would like purposely crash myself into the waves to see how long i could hold like hold myself underwater for and then i just get like absolutely crumpled in the rocks and the thrill of not dying was just like excite me so much so you were genuinely just a thrill seeker you're just waterboarding yourself

yeah as a child yeah basically you could be like a really great marine yeah like all the torture

like babes I found my breath for a really long time though and then I just go out and eat some watermelon and go back in the sea yeah

I was born in Spain I was made in the Royal Navy. I used to love the ocean. Again, going back to America now. Because I was in the Girl Scouts and we used to take trips to the beach. And my mom can't swim. She never learned how to swim. But I love the water.

And so the first time we ever went to the beach I went like the first time we ever went to the beach I went like bodyboarding and like I was I was having a great time it was all fantastic and I came in my mom like came running up

she's like oh my god my baby my baby I was like what is going on she's like I couldn't see you

I thought you drowned I was like no no my mom used to do this to me right so when I'd go on holiday I I'm always in the water like it's it's a running joke i'm like part fish yeah no yeah yeah force my mom to buy me flippers

and i used to go out like really deep with like my snorkel and i'd like go under the water for like ages i can hold my breath for like quite a while then when i'd come up like i'd blow all the water out like a whale like spout but she like was nearly calling the coast guard because she'd lose like i'd go underwater and move and then she'd lose where the snorkel was wouldn't see me and she'd just have to wait for this little like spout of water in the ocean to come out she'd be like oh my god he's fine so yeah we were both basically traumatising our parents. Yeah, for all mothers. Did you ever try and swim like the mermaids in H2O? Yeah, of course.

Ankles together. Yeah, I'd jump in, I'd pretend I was like changing. Yeah. I had a pet dolphin. But the thing is, they don't like actually flap their tails or like anything.

They swim by their hands. Yeah. So it's impossible to swim that way because this is just like we're not going anywhere just to clarify i didn't have an actual pet dolphin but yeah if i was a mermaid i had a pet dolphin because i'd be like in a pool and i'd like a cave so then we keep our dolphins in the cave and So then we'd keep our dolphins in the cave and then swim under the cave.

Keep your dolphins in the cave? Was this a swimming pool connected to your house? No, it was a public swimming pool. Oh, wow. That sounds fun. Me and my friend gave no shit. That was our cave. We were probably doing so many tricks in the pool, everyone was just avoiding us.

Can't go near them. Way too many tricks so many tricks I don't know what they thought but we were probably like bright red blonde haired kids in Spain like wailing around the pool pretending we're fucking fish so yeah

and these like these elegant little brunette pretty like kids like looking at us like what are these these girls doing what we hoping to get from the rest of the summer um well hopefully some sun that'd be nice in uh old rainy. Hopefully your trains don't keep stopping. Ellie doesn't care. She doesn't care anyway, so it's all good. Charlie will drive me anywhere.

I'm hoping to get some. I'm actually going to Spain. Going to Mobs. Off to Mobs. My friends just got back from there. 1st of September. Doing a weekend there. Yeah doing a weekend yeah yeah yeah so sun sex and sea hopefully suspicious parents oh my god that tv show not suspicious i tell my

mum everything um i think like my birthday's in summer and i used to hate that when i was younger because everyone was away but now i think i'm just gonna spend the rest of the summer making people celebrate my birthday yeah do it no next year i'm having a birthday party and people come into it yeah okay so in this section we're going to talk about their group chats the group chats that ellie doesn't have i don't have them but yeah let's go through our group chats yeah so i'll explain why i don't have group chats yeah that'd be good i just i prefer talking to people individually group chats are very stressful but also that's where all the fun is no i've got very different friends very different friends i've got friends in different

parts of the world doing different things okay like friends that do you have friends where their like first languages are Spanish

no I actually don't oh I do because I was going to say that could be a confusing group chat if you've got English and Spanish

going on French, German actually not Spanish though but yeah all my friends I've got friends that like know sex before marriage I've got friends that like no sex before marriage

i've got friends that literally can't put them in a group chat trying to put a group chat with people who are like no sex before marriage and people who are like shagging three guys every weekend like it's a little bit different can't come into the chat just be like girls you'll never guess what happened last night exactly no i get that i was on my knees praying reading the bible yeah exactly and i send like me and my friends have like eight minute voice messages to each other uh yeah i mean we do that just like in group chats though like i feel like that's where some of the funniest content like happens um mine is called shagang shagang so like gang but just like shagang shagang whenever just it just sounds good okay but whenever the message comes up on my phone

people think it just says shagging hilarious so yeah um what oh my god The most recent Saved message Is Fine I'll wash my hair extensions To which someone else says Fine I'll wash to which someone else says Fine I'll treat my BV Oh lovely

I mean you know you can't Haint on the emphasis on self care Self action There's a reason it's safe I mean, you know, you can't hate on the emphasis on self-care. There's a reason it's safe. It's safe to treat your BV. It's good to watch. Why was it saved? Just a reminder she needs to do it. Just because it's funny.

What a funny chain of messages. But you saved that, right? No, it was saved by someone else. How do you have someone else's saved message on your chat saved no no it's saved by someone else how how do you have someone else's saved message on no it's on snapchat so i have like oh there's like eight of us in there okay okay okay okay that's a good one i thought we're talking what if you was to have no if you was to have if you used to have like a group chat what would it be on because we talked we spoke about this

like in the office before and everyone looked at me like i was crazy for having my group chat on snapchat it's kind of crazy i can't lie is it i mean i kind of get it for someone who has no group chat that's a lot of talk yeah it's so i find group chats stressful though like it's like getting like lots of messages like this is coming in and i'm like it is hard to keep up yeah you know when it's like popping off and something like really funny is happening yeah no i can't deal with it like we work on our phones anyway like let me live yeah let me live please that's fair that is fair let me be free what's your group chat called um i have multiple group chats. Again, because I have loads of different groups of friends. But also, I generally will be active in a group chat for maybe two weeks.

And then I put it on mute for a long time. This is what I mean. This is what I'll do anyway. So I've got pint of queers, bimbos, Fimbos and Acronimbos. These are great. You're just like saying them so blase. Yeah, yeah. I'm so like, oh, I think I'll pint a queer.

Loud leftist suffix. Musical experiments for and or not for Sam's birthday. Which definitely was just an organizational someone has remade yeah and then I have like actual things it's just like black theater made it black theater makers group it's like yeah that's very very nice yeah yeah and there's just Calvin's surprise Sorry, what? Calvin's, surprise!

Is that in capitals or something? Capitals and two exclamation points. I understand it now. It's a lot. How do you deal with that? Like I say, they go on mute and then I just don't read them. Actually, the only group chats I have are family group chats. I've got a lot of family group chats.

Do you want to know what's really bad? I'm not even in my own family group chat. What? Did you leave it or you were never invited? Never been in why i don't i honestly don't know i got whatsapp like really late and they have like a family group chat i have one with like my brothers and sisters but there's one with like my mom and like everyone yeah i'm not in that one oh when i said it to my mom she was like oh i'm not sure if you want to be in it. They just send in pictures of the kids and stuff. What, my niece is a pep use?

Not sure if I want to see that. How many of you are there in total? What, siblings? Yeah. So I'm one of four. That's just the three of them sharing pictures of their kids. Yeah, that's it. Don't tell Scott.

Yeah, Scott wouldn't want to see that. He's too busy. Fair. So yeah, we need to get get you a group chat we need to get me and my family group chat yeah basically and we need to get you some less because you're mutable do you want to be in what was it himbos and acronyms i'll give it a go i kind of like the surprise one what are your my private story names always quite good oh mine is super super secret scotty i truly have no idea what you're talking about like is this snapchat on snapchat no i don't use that on instagram can you not can you name your private story on instagram i don't think you can i think it's just close friends but

snapchat you name it yeah what's your one mine was hard nip selling of course it was why didn't i guess that no i don't use snapchat i have one person on snapchat who will message me sort of like every four to five months and be like hey what's going on and then i don't respond for like three days and he'll be like question mark, question mark, question mark and I'll be like I don't know how many times I have to tell you I don't use Snapchat stop messaging me on Snapchat

you literally had me on Facebook you had me on Facebook oh man gods okay so sorry if it's a bit crinkly in here. We've got some bin bags going on right now. Because this is the section where we are playing

Don't Spill the Tea, where you spill the tea and we try not to. Yeah, baby. Hence our waterproof coverage. I feel like we're about to get a water rollercoaster. I know, you're the god, yeah. Log ride. Love that for us.

Right, let's fill us babies up cheers I had a friend whose first crush was on Nala from the Lion King

he would watch it over and over so his parents bought him a Lion King face paint set and he ate the Nala palette so that she would

be inside him I didn't kind of get that though you know when like you're hugging a guy and you're like not close enough to them so you eat them no but you're like

you just you know those moments when you're hugging a guy and then you eat him oh yeah that all the time you just like glue yourself to them

no no, no. No, not about it. No, that was just a bit concerning, in all honesty. Next. Leah from Love Island got it, so cheers to that, Leah. Take another sip. So when I was about 14, I started dating a girl I met at a Christian youth group. We only hung out in this setting.

One time, one of the other kids in the group hosted a sleepover that both she and I attended. Around the time people started winding down to sleep, she and I ended up in the same area and we decided we'd fool around a bit. Of course, being Christian, we knew we couldn't have sex until we were married, so we thought we'd circumvent that by using the backdoor loophole. We got down to business and then I went to sleep. It wasn't until many years later that I discovered no actual first contact had been made and I'd actually just finished in between her thighs and left her to clean up.

Still mortified whenever I think of it. It was the thighs bit. I've got so many questions from that story yes is the back door anal anal for Jesus

no I got that surely happy bride everyone surely that's not Christian it's because you're because you haven't lost your virginity

no right I mean I'm not bothered you do what you want to do, but... Yeah, if it's in the butt, you're still a virgin. Sure, it's not Christian, though. But you haven't lost your virginity.

That's the main thing. You've lost your anal virginity. Yeah, but you're still a virgin. No. Right. Okay. Badges for Jesus. I'm reading the bible after this guys right

everyone ready everyone ready okay i was out clubbing in malia and i ended up taking this decent blonde back to my hotel. She said she was really, really naughty and liked it rough. We get to my room and she had these handcuffs on her and I've never tried it before. So I thought, why not? Next thing I know, I'm chained up to my bed and she rips off a wig and takes out these beanbags from her bra. Or should I say his bra? I've never spoke about what happened in that room since oh now i want to know what happened i know i need to know what happened in the room now

i mean i mean it's probably good for him experimenting yeah like did he realize he was bi is he gay like what happened That he's confused now. Are they married now? Cute. Right. Next one. This is my last one. My husband and I got drunk on holiday. It was dark and no one was around and I had the idea of sex on the beach.

It was to our surprise that in the middle of the act, a group of young lads had decided to go late night skinny dipping. We froze dead in the sand, hoping that they wouldn't notice, but they all proceeded to stop and take pictures as they howled with laughter. Safe to say, I could have buried my head in that sand forever. Aww.

The hypocrisy. The actual hypocrisy. Aww. Can you be like, we're just coming out of the sea naked. Oh, look, there's other naked people. There's other naked people, yeah. Yo, turn around. Look at yourself.

Más agua, por favor. Got a lot of liquid in me now. Had the father-in-law over helping with the groundwork he had a distinctive mole you read that like it was what was that that sent you off you read it like it was a whole entendre

you're like had the father-in-law over. Helping with the groundwork. I didn't even get to the... It sounds like a porn intro. It sounds like a porn intro. Right. Refill, let's go. Had the father-in-law over.

Helping with the groundwork. He had a distinctive mole at the top of butt crack the wife keeps asking why I've got off doggy style. There we go. We got to the end of it. It just progressively kept on getting worse. I was pausing for effect but it was just too long of a pause. There you go. Okay.

Okay. My mum once walked in on me trying to blow myself. I panicked and told her I thought it smelled funny she took me to the she took me to the doctors and they couldn't find anything wrong but my mum

won't stop buying me creams your mouth why did it smell funny? It didn't It didn't It's his cover He tried to blow himself So I said a thing like

Oh I was trying to give myself A blow job It smells funny I thought he just came to the realisation Confessed to his mum Like oh my god It smells funny It was the cover up

It was the cover up Oh my god I can't do it with this game anymore That kind of panic It was the cover up. It was the cover up. Oh my God. I can't do it with this game anymore. That kind of panic. Because I don't... How is that better than the other one? That was so much worse. She's like, oh, I was trying to see something.

I'm curious. Smells funny. No, not to your mum though. What, you want to say it smells funny to your mum? Well, yeah. It's not your problem. How did you find out it smells funny? Like, is it that bad? or i mean it technically is your problem

it's not someone else's problem is it's definitely yours yeah puberty can do weird things you don't know what's going on down there i don't have a penis okay right we're doing one more. Last one. Okay. My six-year-old once walked... Sorry. My six... My six-year-old once walked in on me getting change. She pointed at my parts and said,

why do you have a dangle sausage? Now she'd... Now she tells everyone about my dangle sausage strangers in the street family parties at school i'm mortified dangle sausage lots of penises going on quite well that's been fun it's been great it's been it's been an excursion it's been a holiday it has we're down in brighton yeah i'm ready to get up there now yeah i meet some people yeah in the streets let's go let's enjoy the parade let's go get gay Bye.