Tea at Four - Ep 58: Reverse image searching strangers, signing up to national service and are influencer babies peaking too soon?

Episode Date: June 5, 2024

In this weeks Quick Cuppa, Lauren goes solo! She has plenty to rant about, everything from Rishi’s ‘nashy serv’ plan, using facial detection features to find men she’s bumped into in the street, and spilling the tea on her new handshake routine with her boyfriend.If you have any dilemmas or topics you want us to talk about on the next episode, send them in to [e-mail]

So I took a picture of this guy, or 0.5, surreptitiously. And when I got home that night, I put it into the Google Lens, image reverse searched it, couldn't find anything. You can't really be that famous then. So then I went to another website that night, which is like a facial detection feature. It was coming up with a hinge profile. There's the police coming to get me.

I'm done. I'm done. Hi, guys. Welcome back to T at Four. I'm Lauren. And this is a podcast where we talk all things that normally stay in the group chats. Ah. Except the group chat today is me and producer Bobby.

Yeah, Cricket, sorry. Christy's actually living up in Barbados and we're here in East London. Yeah. So today we give you the solo podcast episode that no one asked for. And I think that's fine because some of my best podcascasters that I watch are you know solo talkers like they'll go on for an hour talking to their self vibing off that so I guess my challenge to you is sit and last 10 minutes if you wouldn't mind that's all right I feel like this is you living out your teenage dream though this is what I did in my bedroom yeah literally when I was 15

yeah pretend I had a podcast yeah in the mirror really well a youtube a youtube youtube yeah yeah yeah 2024 version it is it's pretty iconic if you ask me um but let's not make a habit of it hey christy you come back here so i've got some let's say disordered thoughts i've got to bring up this week. First off, I'll give you some backstory about the past bank holiday weekend I've just had. What I can only describe as walking into a simulation in Battersea Park. I mean, this is probably going to hit a very niche audience. But basically, there is this place in Clapham slash Battersea I don't know where the fuck I was but one I walked into it and I was in

Battersea and then the other side I'm in Clapham I don't get it and everyone there looks like they're from rah where's my backy Clapham and I walk into this area and I thought this is exceptionally busy and there's a queue I thought it's for the chelsea flower show everything's in bloom but what am i missing flowers there is not a flower or a petal around there's just bear clapping people and they are all queuing up for something it's just a row of benches i didn't know what the it was and me and my friend were just there like this feels like we've walked into something we were not supposed to and everyone's just in the queue and they're vibing and like people queuing for hours and just everyone sat on the grass I don't know this just sounds like a like a park scenario but there was something very sinister about it I don't know but like we were just we were just trying to work out what it was

and then on the way home it starts happening it's infiltrating my for you page on tiktok all of the content on my for you page is the pear tree cafe clapham everyone's singing dancing everyone making videos from the queue in just to get into a row of benches i don't know it just felt very off and very sinister music like is it live music yeah there was live music oh and people are sat and people are sat but i don't know there was just something something off is there not two as well because i actually weirdly tried to book it like two days ago i think one's the cafe and then one's another cafe where like the rich people have rose i don't know i didn't know but as i say again this is going to hit a very niche audience but it's just

so ironic how you walk into something you don't know what the fuck's going on and then five minutes later your tiktok's heard you going where am i and then it's showing me every single video from the pear tree cafe in clapham and i was scared anyway after that we go to a pub me and my friend with her dog and we're sat next to these group of people and now i am a massive um celeb spotter so um I always have my eyes peeled you know in those kind of areas because that's near Chelsea so we could get some you know micro influences as you say like me that's a joke and um we were sat next to these people um having a drink and there was this guy on the table sat opposite and I was like I know his face I know his face and sometimes in my in my heart I can't tell if someone's famous or if they're from the Isle of Wight like there's such a fine

line and I was looking at this guy and it was I couldn't even concentrate on the conversation I was having with my friend so I take a picture of this guy on 0.5 you know and i use my favorite feature on my whole phone the google lens app what's that you're not on the google app and you can take a photo you've got an iphone yeah i've got an iphone what's this look like what do you mean the google lens app what is this so on the google app the hashtag sponsored on the google app you can put in an image and then it will like search back everything that's like to do with that so like if i see a top or something that i like on vinted i'll print screen that and put it into google boomers explain google lens

screen grab literally screen grab so i took a picture of this guy on 0.5 surreptitiously and when I got home that night I put it into the google lens image reverse searched it couldn't find anything I was thinking well he can't really be that famous then so then I started piecing together the details that I've overheard in a conversation there was a dog there called Dusty I'm typing in Maiden Chelsea picture of him dog called Dusty nothing's coming up so then I went to another website that night which is like a facial detection feature a facial detection software um that I put in a picture of this man it was quite pixelated so I've really got to give my hat off to him and it showed me every picture on the internet of this man it was quite pixelated so i've really got to give my hat off to him and it showed me

every picture on the internet of this man who now i've discovered wasn't famous i think he was just a normal man but this facial detection software was showing pictures from like a wedding website of like a photographer who obviously had like stock images and this guy it was coming up everything it was coming up with a hinge profile oh there's the police coming to get me i'm done i'm done i'm a freak yeah and it was showing a hinge profile it was showing a linkedin post um but then i had to pay 20 pounds to click on the link to go straight through to it so did you uh no that's when i realized i had to call it a day and i've got issues so are you facial detecting yeah well him reverse in bed that night and it was amazing because it really was the most

pixelated um blurry image so that's great so that was my weekend of interesting activities. Get a life. The next thing that's been on my radar this week is Wii. The Wii Nintendo Wii. I've been absolutely chuffing loving it. So my boyfriend has just bought back Wii Sports. And I don't know if something's clicked in my head that I'm compensating for the fact I'm not going to the gym. But sticking on a couple of Wii bowling, wee baseball, wee tennis, I'm really hitting my macros. What are they called?

That's not macros. Macros. I'm really hitting my base level fitness. What? What's it called? Burning my calories. That'll work. Yeah, that'll do.

I'm really burning my calories for the week um which is an issue but i'm weirdly exceptional wee bowling are you yeah there's an awful video of my technique maybe we'll insert it here nice um but no i'm not gonna say that because that's trauma anyway very 2009 of you yeah very 2009 get back in the wee well I think we all should do it bring it back bring it back yeah okay

it's like that little action of a nunchuck and also this week I watched Challengers oh yeah which is quite tennis based so you know me me being a me on Wii Sports

you know with my back hands swinging a nunchuck about really makes me feel like zendaya so that's fair um but no something that's disgusting about that is i actually watch the challengers in four parts why attention span uh i don't know i don't know what it is about watching a film actually i do know what it is watching a film before bed aka the most illuminating bright stimulating screen in front of my eyes

my head on a landscape angle I'm not staying awake for longer than 5 minutes doesn't matter watching that TV it's police coming again sleep police only 2 hours long yeah 2 hours long that whole film is um yeah i watched it four parts

and i love watching things in parts on tiktok the other day i did one like 36 parts easy damn um oh okay so we've got to bring up something next what's been in the news recently bob's telling you about it the national service so rishi sunak is calling up uh all 18 year olds to serve in the national service um when they turn 18 if he gets through if he gets through to the next round he gets through to the semifinals on x factor um no so actually legit but is that it's actually legit so it's firstly actually i will say when i look this up, I somehow found Rishi's birth date. Awful news.

12th of May. One day after mine. Oh, no. We do not claim that Taurus energy. So rude of him. But yeah, so he wants 18 year olds to go into a full time placement in the armed forces or volunteer in their community. And obviously, this goes on social media.

People start having a bit of fun with it, calling it the Nashie Serve. The same vibe as Costi Lives. He's probably sat behind his phone, like, cackling like Mr Burns. Like, he just knows that he's got us. He's like, ha-ha, haha I'm gonna sprinkle in a little bit of you know um preparing for war yeah and then we just take the piss out of it it just doesn't make

us look very good guys um and it's just quite a mad concept to me like when I think about being 18 being at uni like I was paying be we're all paying like nine grand a year to go to uni and i still couldn't go to my lectures and you think i'm fitting in like ten hut one two left right left in there as well it's not happening babe um i just don't vibe with that would you go bobs no you go you go national service no the feminine feminism is leaving my body if that ever happens. Yeah. I'm not going. But then you also have to volunteer every weekend for a year.

I've got plans. Do you know what I mean? I've got to go to the pear tree cafe, mate. I'm going to a pear tree cafe in the queue, right? Make TikToks. Oh, God. And what do you even wear? I don't suit a low bun. No. And I think that's what you wear in the military. Oh, God. And what do you even wear? Like, I don't suit a low bun.

And I think that's what you wear in the military. Low buns only. Low buns only. Slick back buns. My hairline ain't doing it. So, Rishi, let me have my curls. So I go pear tree cafe later. So that's peak for 18-year-olds.

We were saying, like, how does it work like if you've already been 18 like are you making it up in time or i'm not doing that sorry busy i'm exempt that's 10 years we're 10 years ahead of the curve that's depressing god yeah i've been 18 for a decade that's i think we're all right yeah we're getting too old now my bones will be creaking um also oh something that's coming to my realm so obviously we had the whole conscious four season baby have you seen it no orlando the baby on tiktok no are you joking no one you're all under a rock yeah i think it's like it's the baby that goes, are you going to... Who's excited to go to the Four Seasons Orlando?

And the conscious baby says, me. The conscious baby? How have you not seen this anywhere? 34 million views. Who wants to go to the Four Seasons Orlando? Why is this racking up views, though? though exactly and this has been brought into my fears i fear children are peaking too early at this rate like this baby this week has been doing photo shoots at the four seasons in a bathrobe eating breakfast and it's like i think it's just

getting younger and younger when i think about the age of like successful babies on the internet you've got like David Goes Dentist Charlie Bit My Finger this baby's just come out the womb it's just learnt to sit its spine upwards and it is worrying me so we need to stop making these babies famous

because it's a level of child stardom that I don't think they're ready for however I can relate to this because I was boots baby of the year in 1996 claim huge I don't know if this is just like a regional while of white thing or it was just are you sure nationwide there's nothing on the internet but we don't look don't embarrass me like that but there's a certificate on my wall at home and it's oh boots baby of the year 1996 is awarded to lauren kirkland i don't know what i did to deserve that but yeah i just think we've really got to consider baby's mental health like an

imposter syndrome and stuff because that that boots really made my head blow up big boots certificate would you let your baby would i know it was your baby would i let my baby what would you let your baby if your baby became a baby influencer oh baby influencer it's a hard one baby influencer i would say that is such an ick yeah i don't know like i say i just i think it just sets the precedent for the rest of their life it's's like people are always going to be waiting for the next viral moment from my baby influencer. Yeah, constantly disappointed. But then it made me start thinking about in school, did you ever used to have gifted and talented? Yes.

Oh my God, when you weren't picked for that, it was so sad. All my friends going to gifted and talented. Really? I went once. You went once? I don't know. You just get to mix with other people i feel like i built like a lego once really yeah i feel like i did like a a stop motion film that's

what all i remember doing oh my god talented it is quite ironic how you're like over performing and they're like let's take them out of lessons let's have them do something completely irrelevant and build their lego but on the isle of, our thing was, if you're in gifted and talented, you could go to the school over the other side of the island and learn how to play steel pans. So, they were like, Lauren, you're sick of English, you're pretty good at maths, science, smashing it, get her on the pans.

Someone get this girl on the steel pans immediately. This is wasted potential. There's a star. We're breeding a star. What is going on in the Isle of Wight that that was their gift in a different way? I know! I imagine they did find the best steel pound player in the world, though. Like, fair, maybe that's what they were looking for. Yeah, something's telling me it's not going to come from a school of white children in the Isle of Wight.

Like, what's it, year three? I don't know. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. So, yeah, that's what I call transferable skills. Because, you know, that's what I was teaching me back then. Iconic, iconic. Two more things.

Oh, this week I made a handshake with my boyfriend. And I think we should bring that back. I love that. Because it's really sweet. It's given like a parent trap. He's going to hate me for saying that on the internet. But it was just so sweet and so bonding. And we were sat in the park and had the climb by Miley Cyrus playing on the speaker and we just we just like put this little handshake together and then I was like oh let me just film

this you know for like just memory so we remember the handshake and then as soon as the camera went on it was like oh what's this fucking song doing on and he put it on about five seconds later earlier lol how embarrassing he's so embarrassed by the camera yeah you've really found your soulmate haven't you truly yeah get you someone that you can play handshakes with how long was it um sorry let me do it again joking joking i've got something to tell you what no that was a joke yeah i know it's still parents isn't it it was none of that it was the my boyfriend made me make up a handshake how did it go no a handshake like inside jokes as soon as the

camera went on he went all shy did he yeah oh the audio yeah so I was just making some

really appropriate um just imagine steel pan sticks just that to the side of my head um well maybe this should be his call to action to come watch us on YouTube yeah join the three Just imagine steel pan sticks, just that, to the side of my head.

Or maybe this should be his call to action to come watch us on YouTube. Join the three other people that will watch it. My mum, my nan from heaven, and you. You. Oh, and the final one is I need to talk about something really good off my chest. I've been struggling with a lot of guilt lately um and no one seems to talk about it online it's called invisalign guilt and i'm halfway through my journey and i see all these videos on tiktok of being like oh yeah i've really stuck to it i've been amazing

i'm so bad with it i don't want my dentist to watch this but like i'll you're supposed to have them in like 20 hours a day and I just keep leaving them out and then leave them out for the whole day 20 hours 20 hours of the day and like at the beginning I was such like a goody goody with it and I was always like brushing my teeth and putting it back in but it's laborious it's so boring of course I want perfect teeth but they need to like shorten that that's a lot of time that's a lot of hours it's a lot of hours to put in for something isn't it that's the whole day what about braces i've already had braces they took them after 11 months it was so random yeah i only put them on my top teeth so

sorry this isn't a fucking tooth chat um but yeah so something i just need to get off my chest i have really bad invisalign guilt and if you can relate, please write in the comments. Let's start a fan group. Joking, let's just put our fucking teeth in. I think that's everything I wanted to talk about. Love. Did you want to talk to me about anything? Therapy sesh.

Yeah, I've got a big issue at the moment actually i'm gonna use the podcast to bring it up there's no one's talking about it what the price of olive oil how oh my god bobby what good you said it what is going on and i'm not even joking every time i've been in the shops i just stare at the shelves trying to find the cheapest and then multiple people will come up behind me and every single person comes up and goes fucking eight pound for an olive oil can't believe it everyone what's going on well i had to do the unthinkable the other day you know how like when you're at the bottom of the shower gel you add water to it to just make it last a bit longer catch me in the fucking kitchen doing the same my olive oil what did you add water yeah just to make it go that

extra bit further i'm not paying £8 for olive oil. It separates. Yeah. How do you do that? It's outrageous. Maybe we need to go back to old times and just start making it ourselves from the olives. How easy is that? Not very.

I don't know. How would you make olive oil? An olive tree? No, I don't know an olive tree. Or did you get olive jars? No, but I've got olives from the shop. They're only about 89p, so where they're going, 89p to £8. Yeah. How many

olives do you need to make a full bottle of olive oil though? You know, by the time you've bought enough jars, are you better off just buying the olive oil for £8? That sounds like a GCSE maths question. Instantly, I went into trauma triggered mode and I switched off. It's a Cozzy Lives GCSE maths question. Yeah, Cozzy Lives.

How many olives do you need? How many olives can make an olive oil because the cost of living is bringing it up to £8. Yeah. and I switched off it's a cosy lives GCSE math question cosy lives how many olive how many olives can make an olive oil because the cost of living is bringing up to eight pounds yeah yeah that's a really good

point to bring up Bobby thank you for you know giving us the platform to speak about these issues speak about these issues

yeah it's what it's all about yeah okay everyone well thank you for joining us on this solo episode it's probably quite long. Woo!

I like to talk. Bye!