Tea at Four - Ep 8: Valentine's Day Special

Episode Date: February 10, 2023

Hi, and welcome to Tea at Four! A podcast series by Four Nine, where Lauren, Billy and Christie talk about all things that should have stayed in the group chat- your icks, picks and hot takes straight from your friendly girls and a gay. This week love is in the air as we talk all things Valentine's Day. From star sign compatibility to what gives us the ick, but the real question is, who is really destined to marry Harry Styles?

Hello, welcome back to Tea at Four. I'm Christy. I'm Lauren. And I'm Billy and we'll be talking all things that should have stayed in the group chat. Here we go. Alright, so you guys, what is hot this week? We know it's a special week. Are you excited for Valentine's Day? Yes, because I love love, but no, because I don't have a valentine. Aww. Aww. Aww.

You're that elephant from Sing No but guys Why are you guys not excited? Because Christy This year will be like Every other year for me Really? It's only 26 years in a row Yeah

Of not having a Valentine's So you guys have never ever Ever ever Ever ever Ever ever Ever Had a Valentine's I think that I When I was going, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever had a Valentine's? I think that when I was going out with my best friend when we were like six, we used to give each other Valentine's Day chocolates.

Oh, that's nice. Shout out to you, Leisha. Love you. Now he's getting it. You know that one, right? Yeah. No, I probably never really celebrated it fully with all its glory. Really?

I've always probably been the one that was like pining over someone else can i confess go on i've been guilty um like to take i've taken my mom's flowers and like pretending that it's oh oh wait you didn't give them to her no like she obviously my dad got her flowers for valentine's day and i took them and i took a picture and pretended that it was me and I'm like, flex, flex. I put it on Instagram and slapped a Valencia filter on it and pretended that the boy did good.

Exactly, the boy did really good. Oh my gosh. Who's my secret line? Apart from all the chocolates and gifts and everything, what do you think

Valentine's is about? Do you actually know where it originated? Yeah, St. Valentine and then wrong, Cupid. Wrong.

Valentine's Day was a pagan holiday where men would strip naked and sacrifice goats and I think possibly dogs. But don't quote me on that. And then young boys would take the strips from these animals and slap girls to promote fertility. Wait, hold on. So if you're not seeing that, I don't know what Valentine's Day you're celebrating. That's why there's red hearts everywhere Because it's really the red hearts

Of the goats we've slaughtered There we go honey Or the hearts of the newborn babies We're creating Save the animals Yeah so think again When you're sipping that paint and wine And remember it's blood

Wow Producer Bob What does Valentine actually mean? Is there like a definition? Valentine? That was actually on my list of baby names You know Valentine

No don't do that Valentine That sounds very Tory Or a porn star Valentine Valentine Kirkland

Like Valentine Marry her Billy What is going on I hate that Comes from the Latin word Meaning strength Strength The strength of love No just strength Billy, what is going on? It comes from the Latin word meaning strength. Strength.

The strength of love. No, just strength. Completely random, but do you know where the word fuck comes from? I think I did see it on TikTok. Go on, tell us again. Fuck. It comes from the abbreviation of fornication under the command of the king. Oh. Because, I've watched this on another TikTok,

the command of the king oh because i've watched this on another tiktok um but apparently after the plague there was so little um population that the king had this rule where to promote sex he created these fuck rooms which would say fornication under command of the king and people were able to have sex in them so then the word was abbreviated to is that why um amsterdam's like amsterdam pardon what where's your brains They've got fuck rooms, haven't they? Oh, that's a red light district, darling. Not the fucking playgroups. Play cupboard where you can have a shag.

Wait, but did you actually know that with King Charles' coronation, he is going to bring that back? Is he, really? Shut up. Buckingham Palace? No. Buckingham Palace. Buckingham Palace. Buckingham Palace. No. Buckingham Palace. Buckingham Palace. Buckingham Palace.

Would you ever contemplate not going on a date with someone based on their star sign? Yeah, if they're a Capricorn. Really? You're not fair to Capricorns. What's about them? No, Capricorns and Aquariuses. Oh, Lord Jesus. Really?

Oh, God. What's the matter with them? Aquariuses are crazy. Ooh. They're bipolar. Right? And Capricorns are very stubborn. And they're all in here.

They've got problems in their heads. Ooh. Okay. Mom, can you come pick me up? And I've got a theory, guys. I've got a theory. If they're Capricorn female they're okay but if they're born on an odd no on an even number yeah they're fine but if they're born on an odd number

cancel it run away that's crazy trust me i'm telling you capricorn odd numbers are the worst a lot of um guys that i'm friends with that were capricorns and they're born on they were they dead now she's had them they're not dead but I cut them off yeah dinner dinner cut off the weight

my star sign is actually always spot on it's always like loud two-faced energetic what is your great lover

what's your star sign Gemini I'm a Gemini give me a Gemini that's why I like him do you yeah oh you fancy him Laurie what's your star sign I'm a Jiminy give me a Jiminy that's why I like him do you yeah oh you fancy him

Laurie what's your star sign I'm a Taurus I don't know much about you yeah I don't either I just don't get how people can make like such I don't know

I think I'm just an adult who struggles to retain information so I can't imagine having a list of characteristics in my head that go to each person I'm like going on a date with do you know what I mean yeah I can never like going to they my head that go to each person I'm going on a date with.

Do you know what I mean? They say instantly you're an Aries. I'm like, okay. I also am too. The narcissistic of being a Gemini means I don't care what anyone's star sign is apart from my own. It's your main character.

Main character. We've got a Sagittarius, the best one. Saggy. Taurus. Tori. So I've actually got a list here of all your characteristics Written down

And I'm going to read out Some And then You've got to guess who's I'm talking about Okay Calm Patient nature

With a sense of appreciation For beautiful and pleasant things in life Who do you think that is? Christine I think that's you You think you're calm? Yeah Oh You think you're calm you don't think I'm calm yeah no no no

I think you can be but you don't think I am I wouldn't say it's a general character I'd probably say I'm more calm Taurus and I do appreciate I do appreciate good things in life I would disagree

would you alright I do appreciate good things in life. I would disagree. Would you? All right. Yeah. I think you're a lot more laid back. And I think that's what they mean by calm. Yeah, fucking true. I'm highly strong.

That's what I think they mean by calm. I haven't relaxed since 1996. Yeah, fair. These people are people of many talents. Oh no, this is going to get bitchy. I'm not going to lie, fair. These people are people of many talents. Oh no, this is going to get bitchy. I'm not going to lie, guys. We think it's me. We think it's me.

We can all come together and say it's me. No, we're all talented. Oh, that's nasty. All right, we'll pick ourselves then so people stop crying. No, Billy, I'm talented, bruv. Where? I'm bare talented. I can speak, I can rap, I can draw, I can create. I'm talented bruv where I'm bare talented I can speak I can rap

I can draw I can create I'm talented bruv yeah I can do anything I want to do I'm talented what are you are you talented

I make all my own clothes okay I can make my own clothes give me a sewing machine no I've seen what you can make well at least I can wear it I don't know who it is talented yeah we can go with you I'll let you have that one I think it's him isn't it it was Billy I don't know who it is. Talented.

Yeah, we can go with you. I'll let you have that one. I think it's him, isn't it? It was Billy, yeah. I knew it. It makes sense. He's a Gemini. My dad's a Gemini. My dad's a chef.

That's talent. Okay, next one. Greatest sensitivity and perceptiveness of surroundings. I know this one. I think that would be Taurus as well. That's the key a massive fucking empath for the day I die

did I hit sensitive yeah yeah it was Lauren yeah that's so spot on to the T on this list optimistic

active social and very honest wow that's literally that's your tinder I'm not on tinder yeah

but I had it on tinder don't worry yeah that's me that has got to be yeah that's you doing tea but it does say on the end

sometimes to the extent that their directness hurts others is that you I have said a few things I'm just like I didn't mean it that way why do you think like that

so it's like it's only bad ones any like interesting any nasty ones any nasty ones always fat these people can do everything but not excel in anything

it better not be me I'm not claiming this energy I don't want that double and pass on to the next person These people can do everything But not excel in anything I bet that's me If this is me I'm leaving right now

To be honest here I don't think it's me Because we're triers And if we fail Yeah that's it But um I'm a Oh my god I'm an affectionist

I have to do well Yeah it was Lauren's world What's that fucking website I'll kill them I didn't think that To a T But then they also had this one Bobby that was enough

You should have said the other one So it says at work These people are very accurate and reliable. They know what their duties are. Yeah. They care about their reputation. Even if they don't enjoy the work, they fulfil their obligations

to a good standard. That's not good. And then what was the other sentence? Completely contradicting it. That's what. What? You do everything to an okay standard. I'm literally going to quit my job.

I'm raging right now. They may literally going to quit my job. I'm raging right now. They may seem shallow to some people. Billy. Billy. Billy, sorry.

I feel like I've even heard the sentence that's come out of your own mouth. Billy. Didn't have a chance to breathe.

Is it Billy, Bobby? Come on. I think we can agree. I brought another one to get it, Ethan. I think we can agree another one to get it even i think we can all agree that not all of them can be applied to us because i'm not very shallow

yeah agreed and i do well on all my things guys can we take five i'm actually really upset by that i don't really like believe when it comes to star signs and stuff but I've been I've been guilty enough to like say you're in a relationship you're talking to somebody let me just go and check and see if we're compatible and then sometimes sometimes it does actually it's mad accurate you're thinking who the hell is the closest I've ever got to that is going on the Bratz Love Calculator in primary school. Or texting names. That was a fucking paid service.

Yeah. Using up your credit to type in, like, me versus Henry. Some people would delete their boyfriends from it. Really? Yeah, because they'd be like, we can't be together. I've just seen that we're not compatible. That's crazy. Somebody has written something, and you believe that's what it is.

And that's the term of your relationship i i'm not into it too much but i did download this app recently that kind of gives you your same love calculator vibes your compatibility like even if it's just platonic to romantic with friends with celebrities which can really send you into a state of delusion that's a good weekend activity. And, yeah, so should we go on it now and see what we ask each other? Do we run the bond? Run the bond!

Me and Billy, epic. Epic. At times, you might find yourself provoked by William and respond in ways that aren't like you. Does that sound accurate? Perhaps. We get chill. We're chill.

Chill, chill. Chill, chill. Chilly. I've just run the bond with Beyonce. Yeah. Have you? Yeah. Hit single, run the bond.

Send me. Wow. Me and, run the bond. Epic. Wow. Me and Beyonce should be friends. Wait, that's actually a lot funner. Oh, no. This means bad. Mine and Harry's is unique. Run the bond.

Harry Styles romantic. Extraordinary. Oh, my God. Mine was good, by the way. It was just a different word. God, so basically, that's just told me I should be best friends with Beyonce

and go out with Harry Styles. And I couldn't agree more. So we might not have all had memorable Valentines, but has anyone had a worst date scenario? I think I've been on one and the guy made me wait

at Canada water train station for a good hour and you stayed yeah I was gonna go but then someone said just just wait there's not even much around there industrial park in the train station the trains were literally just going and you didn't leave the train spotter just really love Tfl maybe i'll just count in the trade the trade carriages but i don't know why i stayed and then when he didn't eventually come we went um to everyman cinema it just went from bad to worse because we got to um the cinema and then there was a fight in the screen cool yeah there was a fight in the screen. Cool. What? Yeah, there was a fight in the screen.

I've never heard that before. What do you mean? In the screening? In the screening. What were you watching? It was a fight. Oh, that Doctor Strange thing. How's that inducing fights? Oh my gosh.

But there was a fight in the screen. Marvel versus DC. Literally. And then my cocktail dropped on me. Oh. So, like, disaster. You know, now I'm drenched. Drenched. Waiting for an hour. on me. Oh. So, like, disaster. Now I'm drenched.

Drenched. Waiting for an hour. Drenched. Oh, my. And then my burger fell on the floor. Oh, your burger. That would have ruined it for me. Yeah, that was the worst date.

That sounds like a prank date. Yeah. Like, there's cameras on you. And he laughed. Did he even buy me a new drink? I can't remember anything specifically. Personally, really awful. But I do remember one date where there was a big you. And he laughed. Did he even buy me a new drink? I can't remember anything specifically. Personally, really awful. But I do remember one date where there was a big build-up to it. And this guy came down to my house.

And he was really hungover from the day before. And it was sad because there was a lot of pressure on it to be good. And he comes down hungover, says he can't drink. And we're British people. So we fucking love a date and get smashed. And the worst part was, instead of pushing through it, he didn't get a glass of wine. He got a roast dinner.

We shared it. What fucking Victorian feast? I don't know, Billy. I couldn't think about it. How sad. Roast dinner date. Roast dinner. I don't know, that could be quite cute think about it. How sad. Roast dinner date. Roast dinner. I don't know,

that could be quite cute if you had a roast dinner of your own. I didn't know each other. Yeah, one thing, eating on a first date is like a really, you know,

tough thing to come by. But having a fucking Sunday roast. Full roast. Well, you didn't have a full roast, you had half a roast. Half a roast, yeah. There's a big talk

on TikTok at the moment about this thing called riz which is basically about you're like not your riz list are you smokers um no it's like it's like how cool you how smooth you are at the pickup lines like if you've got good riz or you've got bad riz personally fucking awful i'll go over the embarrassing things i've done on a date like over and over i think my if it was a scout i'd would probably be like mine or something. Really? Yeah, I feel no res.

Have you ever come away from a date and been like, I finished it. High five yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror like, another one bites the dust. I would love to finish a date feeling like that.

That's why I can't remember any of my dates because I just black them out of my memory because I'm so cringy on them yeah

yeah I'm on a strict no-res diet I think I had to sign along the like a maths equation or something you're talking about

maths on dates are you good at maths what's the probability of replacing you're off to do your fucking homework what's the probability of replacing... You're off to do your fucking homework.

What's the probability of replacing your ex, of me replacing your ex without you asking why? Is that supposed to be a chat blind? It was a lie, didn't it? You actually tried to work... He did. Oh! I know this one! I know this one!

Do you guys not get it? Algebra? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I'm saying, isn't it? What's the probability of me replacing your ex without you asking why? I know this one I know this one do you guys not get it algebra yeah yeah yeah that's what I'm saying what's the probability of me replacing your ex without you asking why yeah yeah yeah

and you try to work it out no he got it oh but you you said that as a chat blind yeah and he got it at the bar

oh I hate chat blinds I think the issue of all of this, the whole concept of Riz, the horoscopes, overanalyzing things, I personally don't think any of that matters because I don't think I fancied a person in real life

for six years. Yeah, I don't fancy anyone. When was the last time someone gave you butterflies? Who was the person that made you nervous and think, oh, I need to get some Riz for this date? I don't think I've ever, like... Me neither. Only the celebrities, which are obviously...

Yeah, celebrities. They're always great, but never, never, never... Never, ever, ever, ever, ever. Any person in real life. A real person that, like, is a normal person. That isn't made up in my head. Yeah, my idea. I've got a crush.

Really? Really? That's exciting. Yeah, I've got a crush really yeah that's exciting yeah i've got a crush no but just in case they watch this in this profile yeah i don't think i've ever like actually fancied anyone i feel like at this point i'm just existing not to get deep but like i i just want to actually feel something well positive speaking, positive thinking, positive outcomes, y'all are going to bump into that person or your dreams and they're going to drop all the riz,

they're going to be winning rizzes. I think that's the reason why I can't speak to people online. Because I don't fancy them, so I don't care what their dog's called. It's so true. I don't fancy you. I think you're attractive, but I'm not like oh my god

yeah i miss that so bad too much riz yeah i can't date so now because i'm such a icky picky non-attracted to anything uh girl i thought i'd make a challenge where i test how picky icky you guys are okay i'm curious all right so hypothetically you've got a date for valentine's day this year are these situations that i've made up going to make or break that date with a 10 from happening? Okay. Yeah. Got you.

Got you. Right. Number one. He's a 10, but he checks himself into hospital or A&E on Facebook. Oh, no. Wait. As in he puts on Facebook the status in hospital? Yeah.

Like checks himself in. Like, yeah. No way. Oh, I won't be seeing it. So it's fine. I can't see. Can't hear it. Yeah. Well, I can't exactly. oh i won't be seeing it so it's fine but if you found out from a friend they're like oh god he's checked himself in to let everyone know all the comments below oh hope you're all right darling he'll put reply later nah nah i think that's fine for me i'll private chat you i'm fine with that yeah you're fine. Yeah, I'm fine with that. I'll give it a six. 5.7.

Yeah, fair. Okay, number two. He's a 10, but he gets his phone camera out with the flash on to record his sizzling smoking skillet of fajitas coming through the restaurant being placed down in front of him. What? What's a sizzling skillet? You know when they bring out fajitas and it's like... Massive smoke in a restaurant. And he records it. And he's got his skillet. You know when they bring out the heaters and it's like massive smoke

in a restaurant. And he records it. And he's got his phone out over the top. I feel like you do that. Nope. Not me. Why would I do myself

in like that? I would rather you just do a little like don't comment. Flash on as well. Flash on. That doesn't bother me too much

because I can turn the flash off. And I probably do do this right yeah I don't mind doing it with the girls but

yeah wait wait oh sorry don't touch it yet do you know what I mean like doctor I'm hungry are you paying for my food

I mean doctor shoot shut up but you do this I wouldn't with a fucking sizzling skillet of fajitas you do with a croissant though yeah but not a fucking a big what's it, scenario coming towards me.

I would rather you do it like, just, you know, what's the word? I mean like. It's a big old display, isn't it? That coming through. Everyone's looking at you like, what's the guy doing? But would you do it then if you're in a club and someone came over with sparklers? That's different. That is different.

That's fajitas versus a table you've paid for. That's what you paid for a bottle, the sparkling champagne girls are coming out. Yeah, eh? Well, I'm okay with both. No, not, no. Wow. Billy, listen, you're sitting down here. The food's come.

He's stood. Wait, Billy, wait. I'm getting the same level of embarrassment. I'm getting embarrassed if you do that in a club with champagne. I get embarrassed when you do it with a croissant. Really? I just hate it. Oh, it's all the same for me that I'm used to it. I'm numb to it. So embarrassment I get embarrassed if you do that in a club of champagne I get embarrassed if you do it with a croissant I just hate it, it's all the same for me I'm used to it, I'm numb to it

So it doesn't bother me anymore No because I'm just like people want to post what they want to post Yeah but look you're in a quiet restaurant It's very quiet The quiet restaurants on your Instagram would not do sizzling steaks They could do I don't believe it And he's proper like

It was just a game leaning and bopping he's leaning bopping nah Billy come on I will be like it's okay now right so what are you saying okay

you made me not have opinion yeah no I won't go on a date with him I'm not allowed to that's it actually I'm going to the bathroom oh sorry I saw my friends yeah and last one

he's a 10 but you find out he has baths with no bubbles so what it's just water plain water from the tap

yeah two no two one one yeah so cringe innit why are you just wait wait wait

he's a 10 but he doesn't have bubbles in his bath but he's a ten But he doesn't have bubbles In his bath But he's a nine Good to see everything Alright guys So this is the part of the show Where I'm gonna drop some

Very brutal confessions And we're just gonna React to them And see what we think about them So first one When I was four Or five years old i sniffed a cat's bum because i had seen other cats doing it the memory of that fishy rotten meat smell is burned into my brain why the descriptive words not fishy the poor cat I can smell it oh my god

guys imagine your no I don't want to imagine in fact I don't want to talk about this anymore let me need to

let's just rate it and get it out of the way because that was fucking horrible what were you rating it fucking 10 zero oh sorry

what was what way he loved that one. Wait, where'd you at? Most brutal 10. Oh, sorry, 10, 10, 10, 10. 10 fucking on your titties, bitch. All right, second one.

My teenage son thinks I don't know about the phallic shaped vegetables disappearing from the fridge and turning up in the bin. shaped vegetables disappearing from the fridge and turning up in the bin i'm grateful he throws them away afterwards rather than putting them back but i don't like the waste i'm wondering if i should offer to buy him a dildo i think i've heard that one before is this your mum writing in what are we saying here? We're saying the teenager is using the fucking vegetables for the Sunday roast. And she's not even called that up on the first instance. Yeah. I actually think, I'm actually more kind of like,

oh, why is she offering to get us on a dildo? Yeah. I'm not shocked by the vegetable thing. Carry on, do it again. Right, so we'll give that one a a ten on the brutal yeah I was thinking ten because I was I was in shock

reading that yeah I'll give it a five Billy's done it Billy's done it I've got to cucumber up his arse right now

actually I carrot boy grinder name oh my name carrot top actually top carrot cake carrot alright Oh my God. Carrot top. It's really top.

Carrot cake. All right, the last one. Bricklayer here. Can't remember why this started, but every new build I've done, I've done a shit down the gap between the breeze blocks and the outer bricks. 500 plus houses in Liverpool have got shits in them. How is it always time to have a poo when you're laying bricks?

He's laying bricks. Exactly, he's dropping them. God, you have to be a special type of brave to be able to fucking lay one out just in public. I wish. One day I'll reach that level of self confidence get my bum out and poo on the street that's awful

I'm so glad I know this now that's a big fat ten I'm not moving to Liverpool no yeah shout out you Liverpool puddlyans isn't it Liverpool puddlyans

at least people in London just poo in the road I'm here all week puddlyans no right we're going to play our favourite game where you spill the tea and we try not to. When I was about 16, I was standing in my parents' room waiting for my mum

to get her clothes out of the basket so that I could take mine to my room. My dad walked in and picked up a thong and said, oh, why don't you ever wear these? They're sexy, to my mum. And she replied, because they're your daughters after going down on my boyfriend I spat the results into a 7up bottle the next day I found my bin empty and my mum and nine-year-old brother doing arts and crafts he turned that bottle into a pen holder it was lovely lovely, but I snuck it out of the house that night and destroyed it. I fucking love the unnecessary details. Honestly.

My wife sees what she thinks are wank stains on my dirty underpants and she laughs and says I'm too horny for my own good. The truth is that I blow my nose on them before throwing them in the hamper to save a hanky. for my own good. The truth is that I blow my nose on them before throwing them in the hamper to save a hanky. Thinking about the time I really fancied a boy, stalked his Facebook, had no idea I accidentally shared a photo of his dad swimming with dolphins

to my Facebook wall until he messaged me eight days later, hi, can I ask why you shared that photo of my dad? I've literally done that before. Tagged myself in the face of one of my ex's fucking mutual mutual mutual friends me as the person in the picture no

well we hope you enjoyed this episode of tier 4 and whether you're celebrating valentines this year or just loving yourself and loving life then we are here to do that with you. Take the roles. No.

I only accept real roses on Valentine's Day. That's why he's single. Thanks for watching. Bye! Bye! Thank you.