Tea at Four - Gay vegetables, Camp Rock 3 & the Tinder hair collector

Episode Date: August 21, 2025

This week, Billy and Lauren are back with maximum chaos.From crashing the Real Housewives of London premiere (and spotting Tracy Beaker in the wild ) to debating which fruits and veg are gay, straight or bi... In true us fashion things escalate fast.Add in an Armie Hammer cannibal tangent, a finance-class identity crisis, Zara Larsson stanning and one truly cursed Tinder hair collector story and you’ve got yourself the full Tea at Four experience xP.S. Got a story, dilemma or confession for our “Don’t Spill The Tea” segment? Send it to [e-mail] and don’t forget to follow us on YouTube, Spotify and Instagram at @teaatfourpod.Enjoy the ep!

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Free access ends August 24th. Visit Ancestry.ca for more details. Terms apply. Green bean Straight. Lesbian. What do you know about lesbians? Nothing but I know about green beans.

Once again, it's my job to make sure you're doing the right thing. It was actually a rhetorical question. Non-Pg-G camphrox three. Yeah, what would the storyline be if it's face-row? Cancoc three? She once ate a big mac out of the bin. Why are you dressed up as a sexy shirt? Asking you personally.

Is that just your normal look? Tomatoes are bye-bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Camp-Rone three! Apologies. Hey guys, welcome back to Tier 4. I'm Billy. And I'm Lauren, and this is a podcast where we talk all things normally stay in the group chat. And sadly, Christy isn't here with us there because she's ill.

So hoping Christy gets well seen. Yeah, bless her. Obviously last week, she was, oh no, last week before last, she wasn't here either. She was in Glasgow. She was stomping around Glasgow. With a bagpipes. Menace A ginger wig

In the streets of Scotland Oh we Yes sir I don't think I'd ever go to Glasgow on a holiday Serious It's actually pretty fun I do really want to go

Actually that's a lie I need to go for a little weekend It's good for drinking I don't know how to drink The house down boots Q after two drink I really know how to party No actually

So what were you up to you last night Billy Last night You know exactly what I was doing last night stint last night. Right. I was a guest.

No, we were very lucky enough to attend and work the media line for the Real Housewives of London premiere, which was really exciting. Which is mega, because we love Desperate, I would say it wrong. We love Desperate Housewives and Real Housewives. Well, Real Housewives is based of Desperate Housewives. Seriously. That's where the idea came to Ryan Murphy. Ryan Murphy?

Glee. No. Doesn't seem right. What's his name? Bravo Man. Andy. Andy Cohen. Is that it?

Does he produce it? Yeah, it was his. It was all his idea. Shut! Oh, I thought he just hosted it. No, it's all his kind of like, his show, yeah. Oh my God, the more you know. And that's why they all have that kind of like, that's similar, like,

holding an item at the end because it's what they did in Real, and Desperate Housewives. Didn't know that. Yeah, it's all inspired by Desperate Housewives because he was like, love the show and he was like, how great would it be to meet the real Housewives? You were just a beacon of knowledge, Brittany Turner. Thank you. Yeah, so last night we were on the red carpet.

And it was really fun. the ladies are all incredibly glamorous, extravagant. They're so rich. And I love that they are all ready to scrap. Yeah. They all have like feelings towards each other and some are good, some are bad, and you know, there's going to be drama this season. That's the thing.

They are nasty, nasty, nasty. And I just talked about this point in my head. But, you know, I thought it was an amazing point in the way that these grown women come up with such, like, bitey insults. They're so smart, they're so quick, they're so quick-witted. And then I remembered who was sitting around. behind me. Danny Harmer from Tracy Beaker was fucking sat behind us at this premiere and I wonder, God, why would she really be here? I know she's having a bit of a TikTok era, but she's actually

the queen of insults too. I'm also, you've heard it here first. Tracy Beaker is going to be the next housewife of London. You're lying. Exclusive breaking news. Tracy Beaker joins cast of real households of London. She, imagine that. She could fit in. I reckon they could do like a real like a real housewives but not following rich people like kind of like working class it's working class like middle middle class is middle but working class sounds like it should be people that work yeah it is so but that's the thing we all think that we're closer to the level of being rich than we are we're all working class people because our salaries are closer to being broke than they are to what the top rich people are but if but if you were to hierarchically so

I think we call me, would I be middle class? No, because like, ecologically, people have been kind of, let me get into this. Oh my God, my two brains themselves, fight. This is a conversation I have every time I have four beers at a pub with a random stranger on a Friday night. The thing about it is, everyone likes to think they're higher than what they are. Right. So everyone who's working class likes to say they're middle class, but realistically, to be

middle class, you need to have like maybe a house or two, maybe like you're a doctor, you're a lawyer, you're not like mega rich or old. money but you're very comfortable work and also like working class to be considered in the middle class you need to be earning like multiple hundreds of thousands so working class we say we're not working class because we're not on benefits but actually we're only 20,000 pounds a year away from being on benefits the same salary versus a hundred thousand do you know what I mean like when you look at how much people are actually earning people on the top scale are millions away we're kind of like upper working though aren't we I think that's a thing we'd like to say we are but I don't

think we are realistically you should go to stephen butler's podcast giving direcy everyone everyone always wants to make themselves feel better than the person who's behind them on the rich scale everyone wants to be richer and say oh we're almost that but we're not realistically we're all working class because we're on average salaries and the average salaries kind of like throughout history working class has always been the bottom end of the scale and that's no different to now oh my god we really have a broad range of uh topics people I always get to this argument when I'm drunk or people are like no middle classes anyone who's comfortable

but you're not comfortable to be comfortable is to be able to have a house or two have multiple holidays have loads of bills and rents to pay and then have money that's just sitting in a pot growing that's comfortable and we're nowhere can hear that why don't you have that conversation when you're sober because it's boring oh okay go on then what are you got to talk about harry style's vibrator again Finally, back around to it. Well, actually, I'll highlight my media of the week,

which is I can't stop fucking banging on about it, Zara Larson. Boren. Right, she'll pay celebrity. No, but back to it. I'm absolutely obsessed with Zara Larson. I think she's up there with the same vocal abilities as the likes of Beyonce, dare I say it. That is wild.

That is honestly one of those sentences that I would also thought I'd never hear anyone say in my life. That's up there with someone being like, oh, I'm really craving a mayonnaise in butter sandwich. Well, I didn't expect you to be talking about finances on T at 4. You asked me to. I never asked you? It was retaliation to your question and your statement, actually. Are we working class? Or are we middle? Yeah. And I had to correct you. Once again, it's my job to make sure you're doing the right thing. It was actually rhetorical question.

I don't think it was. We're looking for sound bites here, not a lecture. Working classes, because I'm in the middle. My working class, now you'd be middle, darling. Do you want me to explain it? No. No. Nazar Larson, she's fine. She's a bit like Anne-Marie. No, don't fucking, don't insult my babe like that. Anne-Marie. I find a not voice. Anne-Marie! Yeah. That's mental.

I think you're the first person in history to say that, like, there are Zara Larson's stand. Right. We've just started a video with her a couple years ago for 49 questions. We've just done a video of four years ago. Free COVID. No, rude. Okay. But my point is, Zara Larson's song, Midnight Sun, hyperfixation at the moment.

And yes, I will use that correctly. So I go to sleep, thinking about it. I'll go to sleep, I'll go to sleep thinking about it. I'll dream about it. with dolphins, rainbows, you know that picture that was on, oh my God. Yeah, that was Zara Larson song, wasn't it? It was Zara Larson, it was a symphony, great song.

I hate that song. But particularly Midnight Sun makes me feel like I'm a mermaid being entranced into like a full moon. I just put it on and I'm just like to a different. That's your mind palace. Yeah. To be a mermaid listening to Zara Larson.

Yeah. Love that for you. Sorry, I'm not a finance, bro, with a jillet on in the middle of Broadgate Circle. Actually, that's my cup of two. You can be a man in finance. Yeah. practicing for tonight as we go out in the city of London.

And we've had more than a picky lunch. Don't worry, everyone. We had Blurg a king. Because that's where we felt our girls. The gurgle king. The belly is making gurgle noises ever since. So ill. Burger King's not going to sponsor us now, are they?

KFCM McDonald's. McCruggles. McCurkelons? Shut up. She blazed everything. Yeah, go on then. Can you reach it? Every week.

There we go. Do you want to put it back now? Oh yeah, sorry. It's ever so heavy on my arm. I'm going to have to re-read this. I thought it said Dame Mellon. Wait. Dame Helen Mirren says tomatoes are

Dame melon. Oh my God, I'm on my last fucking brazels. Dame Helen Mirren says tomatoes are, I know this, bisexual. I don't get the context. I don't know why she said it, but it's been all over my four-you page this morning. Who's asked her a question on this? And yeah, can we have some context please, Bobby?

It's not the same thing as being bisexual, duh. Tomatoes indeed have both male and female reproductive structures. Therefore, any tomato plant can be a mother and a father to other plants. Oh, I was reading that more as like, Dame Helen Mirren says tomatoes are bisexual because you can have them sweet or savoury. I thought, like tomato ketchup, that's sweet. Yeah. I thought she was like saying they give bisexual energy and that's why everyone's made such a headline out of it.

Actually, she's just explaining the anatomy of things. Yeah, people have... Touring! You're getting nasty today. Sorry. I thought she was just saying, like, vegetables that give you bisexual energy. Like, Obogene. Gay.

Yeah, definitely gay. What else are like gay and straight vegetables? That's what I'm thinking. Green bean, straight. Lesbian. Really? Green bean? Why?

What do you know about lesbians? Nothing but I know all about green beans. But also is a gay vegetable. Corsette, that's a bit fruity. Tender stem broccoli is a gay vegetable. Yeah, gay is that. Yeah, air fried. They go to the sauna, is that what it's called?

Yeah, a sauna. Grape's are gay. I just think of that ancient Greece and all those like naked men. Apple is like homophobic. Yeah, so is carrot. Fucking true. Carrot is like mind blank. Carrot is like part of UKIP or something.

Yeah, or like listens to that podcast. What's that? Bald guy. Andrew Tate. Oh, I was going to say, I don't think Joe Reagan has hair. Banana, fat boy. Banana. Banana.

Oh, no, banana. Banana is like super straight fat boy that will also sleep with guys secretly. Yeah. It wears a cap. It wears a cap. Banana is down low. Banana is down low. Strawberries are femme gays.

Twink. Twinks. God, really bottom of the bottom of the ball. barrel chap for this is uh oh my gosh cabbage cabbage cabbage cabbage no cabbage is also homophobic i'm picturing like people that idolize um what's that man niger harage oh carrot so carrot and cabbage are in pineapple is by swingers by swingers everyone knows that pineapple is like the most obvious one so fruity so fruity juicy juicy peach peach is gay peach is gay have you never seen call me by your name yeah come up we come into those things

Exactly. I think peach is actually the gaitest of the fruits. True. Wait, have you seen that scene in the summer I turn pretty? No, I've not watched that drivel. Talking of trivel, it sounds like dribble. They took inspiration from the call me by your name scene, and they injected the peach in like this little, like little dream scene to have loads of syrup in it. So then when she pulls down the peach from her mouth, it's like a romantic moment,

and then he then wipes it with his top. Things I wouldn't do. even my baby my own grown baby had peach dribble all on lots of mouth you wouldn't you wouldn't let your matterland top get that dribble on it okay you're done I like that gave veggie well judging judging from your outfit you shop the same place as me so you also shop on matalan good one I know you are but what am I right Joe Jonas seemingly confirms Camp Rock Free! Apologies.

I thought it was going to be Joe Jonas seemingly confirms Apples are bisexual. No, we said they're straight. Bananas are down low frat boys. No, it's only three blanks. But anyhow, Cat Rock Free? Camp Rock Free. Monumental.

This is really, really becoming the year of rejoicing being from the naughties. Yeah, it's true, but I did see a glamour article the other day saying leave sequels alone. No, I disagree. I love reliving, like, stories like that. People hate sequels. I actually have the most fun at sequels

because I'm not establishing new characters and I'm not kind of like, what's their relationship going to be? Like, you're already there. You're in the middle of it. You're in the crux of their storyline and, like, you can just have fun. It's a safe space.

Like, I'm one of those people that just like to rewatch the same things over and over again. So if they just want to give me that with a few extra kind of plot holes, also, Disney Channel always did sequel. is better. Every single Disney Channel original movie had a better sequel.

Cheetah Girls 2. High School musical 2. Oh my God. Camp Rock 2? Bats. Better than Cam Rock 1? Absolutely. Camp Rock 2 is cunt. Kemp Rock! Oh, is that Cam Rock 2? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they've also got that lovely little ballad song.

Cam Rock 2 is way better than Camper Rock 1. High School Musical 2 as well, where they've all got those saturated skin tones. Like me right now. Why? Yeah, they've also. got really saturated skin tones Zach and Vanessa have obviously fucked by this one. Yeah. It's just all happening.

The blue's really like, the water's really blue. Yeah. It affects me I want to be on holiday. Yeah. Yeah, so I'm all for Camp Rock 3. Also, I keep seeing like tweets being like, let's make it spicy. Like, they're adults now. What? Let's make it like an adult, non-PG camp rock. Yeah, what would the storyline be if it's face around?

Let me go. I'll watch it. I'm like a fire so in like, Kind of Disney Channel or porn her. Yeah. You might be able to find it. Uh, producer Bobby. I'm here for it.

I can't wait. Yeah, gasped. Army Hammer makes shock admission that he loved blank, blank after cannibalism accusation. The attention? I actually know. Is it poisoning people? Yeah.

Or roofying people. He's saying this full blown to news reporters. I actually just, I don't know how he's locked up, not locked up. He's given me the same kind of energy as like Katie Hopkins, like saying anything for attention, like, just a different branch of the same tree. People who like say things to kind of like stir up temper and stir rage bait, rage bait, yeah. No, I actually think he's like innately weird, evil. Like he's lost everything. He was like working as a, what was it, like a timeshare resort worker.

What? Like, yeah, I fully don't understand what's going on that. Hasn't he got loads of like family money? Or isn't he just like retired? No, I think that was all fate. I really? Yeah. Gosh.

But facts of the matter, after cannibalism accusations. So he said that he loves poisoning people so much with marijuana that they can't feel their feet. That, this is a very trippy experience. I want to know what Timothy Chalamey thinks of all this. Do you get him on the podcast? Yeah. Hello, mate.

Do you want to come on? Busy. So weird. Guy can come on as well. I was like, this is the thing that, like, I was not expecting you to say his name when you started reeling out this story. Yeah. Because I haven't thought about that man in years.

is. Well, like since the cannibal accusations. Yeah. This again feels like another... Things get relevant.

Yeah. Something to be relevant. Something to be talking about. And there's other ways you can do that. Maybe some like community work or... I don't know. Do another movie? Yeah.

I don't think he must not care about like saving his image. No, I think he's like, his image has been so badly destroyed because he was so awful on the Louis Theroux documentary. Oh, what did you do? He was just like,

he was almost like fighting with Louie throughout the interview. and like I think he was coming across like he could almost like fight against Louis's interview tactics and he's like I know what you're doing and da-da-da-da and it's like right when you do that you come across

as the aggressor oh wasn't good watch Barmy army relax babe do you want to come onto it for and really talk it out where we'd have a cannibal whose name is army stupid

Armourald Thank you pink globe of news goodness See you next week This is the part of the podcast Where you spill the tea And we try not to Drink out So I'm having a regular morning at work

Saying my usual hello When I walk in and greet a female co-worker She looks me dead in the eye And goes I'm just standing there Like what do I say It's so awkward She's waiting for a response

But nobody else is So naturally I meow back at her Louder Suddenly everyone on the floor looks up and they see me me meo in like a maniac. No one talked to me for the rest of the day. That is me. That was someone else.

I was think of someone else. Who? We can't name. I'm sorry, but I actually do have meow Tourette. Like, sometimes it's to like feel, it's to fill the silence or like an awkward silence. That's what I do with farts. You're just like you.

You're just like me. Every day, he's like, yeah, he does. All fucking day and people turn around to our table, thinking it's real. Yeah, it just rolls off the tongue, do you know what I mean? Or, meo, meo, meo, meo, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meo, meow.

And to that same tune, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. And I do the same with sorry. And it doesn't get old. Yeah, really? Sarcasm. Oh. Went on a Tinder date with a guy who seemed super cool. He was charming, witty, and we were hitting it off.

And then he casually mentioned, oh yeah, by the way, I collect hair. And then that, what was that? My uncle lives in Australia. and when I was like, hey, my nan was like, please, can you let me send a lock of your hair to your uncle in Australia? So I did it. We sent it in the post.

And now I'm old... They're making clones of you in Australia. Voodoo Dom. And now I'm older. I'm like, why did you do that? That evil little thing. You can't get what's coming to him. You said the hair.

Do you actually do it? Yeah. And then I got older and I was like, why did that? Why did we do that? That is so weird. That's so strange. Sorry, Bobby. that is freaky behaviour

Or maybe they were doing like a 23 and me but back in the olden days 2004 I once slept with my local bin man because he helped me rescue a baguette I'd accidentally fly away That's giving me in my bingey era

I actually once ate a big Mac out of the bin It was really low times It really reminded me of you running after like the postman looking for like Your parcels. Yeah, before I beeper. You were in the back of an A-sauce truck. No, I actually did.

It was like before I went to Ibiza, I mean, it wasn't for a fucking big air. It was for a clothes order from pretty little thing. But I chased around this like delivery driver all the way around Dahlston. I ran like 25,000 steps before 9 a.m. I actually remember the story. You got them there. I lived to tell the tale. And I hated everything from the order.

That is the true travesty of that story. Nothing fitted. Too many big backs out of the bin. So that's when you decided to chase the bin man for the baguette. Yeah, that's the one. At my cousin's wedding, I accidentally airdropped a photo of me dressed as sexy Shrek to the vicar. Oh dear, oh dear, there's some weird. People need to stop lying on line.

There's so many lies. Because one, why would the vicar have his phone out in church? Also, why are you dressed up as a sexy shrek? Asking you personally. Is that just your normal look Ha ha Boom boom Boom boom

Brum Brum back puzzle brush Is all I say Well he was like Glastonbury Yeah but For real I want to see him

On daytime TV Borel was in a Glastonbury Ah Ha Ha Ha Wop

Oh Christy Please come back Is you Christy She's watching This quality check And if you haven't Who's Bezle Brush Huh

Who's Bezberrush You don't know Who bezel brushes I'm being Christy oh no that would really irritate me but we do miss you christie you know basil brushes because she only watches BBC right see BBC true

just I'll know she watched the BBC not see BBC Christy whilst you watching this quality check in can you record a video of who you think Basil Brushes and we'll start it here guys of course I know who Basil Brush is the fox the most famous fox in the whole world Mr Basil Brush with his green suit

and he's a red tie. Mr. Basil, Mr. Lover, lover, a hair, ha, ha, boom, bong. That is an absolute G. Yeah, I know. I'm down with Mr. Basil Brush. That's my, that's my guy. He laughs like me.

Oh, that was so lovely to see, Christy. Oh, who's on me how I'm at? Oh, Christy. Oh, bum, womp. Oh, well, that was a bit of an unusually chaotic episode of two at four. As always. And if you like this kind of content, don't forget to like and share and subscribe, follow us on Spotify and Instagram, T at 4.

And until next time, we'll see you later. Love you. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Tomatoes are bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. Tomatoes are, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.