Tea at Four - My boyfriend's awkward sex fail; we react to your confessions

Episode Date: September 11, 2024

For our Quick Cuppa this week, Lauren, Christie and Billy dive into an anonymous confession sent in by an audience member. We talk all things sex and the mishaps that can happen between partners in the bedroom! We also play Don’t Spill the Tea with some hilarious revelations from the internet, about what words or phrases they’ve got wrong their whole lives. This leads to a debate about whether sharing underwear is acceptable... If you want us to read out any of YOUR dilemmas or confessions, you can send in anonymously to [e-mail]. And please do let us know what you think of this episode in the comments feature!

hi guys welcome back to seat four i'm lauren i'm billy and i'm christy and this is today's quick cover yeah girl whoa that was quiet i was like my wish could be the transition i feel like we should make like a little um ringtone jingles jingle okay i would be like I can't remember my wish could be the transition I feel like we should make like a little ringtone jingle jingle okay

like and you'd be like sounds fucking horrible like you know those tiktokers that always like remix it and it's like oh

someone out there can do that for us we've just made our own yeah there we go perfect what have we got on the menu yes let us know someone's not read the caution today we have a really fun confession that's been sent in by a letter okay thank you for doing that again we will remind you if you want to send us yours to react to in

this podcast then it's t at four at jungle creations.com or send it to us on all of our socials in the dms in the comments if you want to be brave um yeah i'm excited to read this one today too because i'm nervous i'm excited it's actually quite close to home so it's close to home well this could be mean anything yeah all right then so here we go hi guys love the podcast i just want to tell you about my epic sex fail i've been with my partner for three years now not long after we got together we had the most amazing passionate fast-paced time in bed that you could ever think of during the act i let out the most horrific scream of my life he has no clue what was wrong as the lights were off he quickly What the heck? heck. Safe to say I was not in the mood to finish anything off and for the next three days I made him put pseudocrem on my arsehole. I still bring it up to

this day just to make him feel bad. Oh my Christ. So what? Confusion. So they're like one hole now. Oh Billy it's not a full fucking birth. Splitting my arsehole just means that. It's a cut.

Like a little tear sorry my imagination took away with me then what was that? imagination my imagination English something

but surely Sudocrem's not the right thing to put no it's not you should just leave it to heal which is really hard when you've got to

go to the toilet has it happened to you? no you've been dying to tell everyone on the internet about this no i think this is actually something needs to be spoke about more okay anal fissures anal fissures not spelt like fisher but f-i-s-s-u-r-e so i didn't get this done to me via sex but it's actually just from sometimes your bum splits when you have a big poo and when i was younger one time it happened to me and it was excruciating excruciating excruciating something's wrong back there something's wrong so i had to go down to my local doctor who's on the isle of wight lay on a fucking bed with my cheeks spread while someone

looks at my arsehole and just says, no, your bum's just split from doing too big of a poo. Sorry. You can't come back from that with your GP. You can't go in there the next time and look each other in the eyes. It's not a thing. I can look you in the eyes.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. So when you go to your GP, it's mad. When you go to your GP, how do you get, like, do they, does it heal over heal all the time does it it's just something that you just have to maybe i had cream i'm not can we go to go back to the thing pseudocrime i would put pseudocrime on that no you're not meant to that's like that's for rashes it's for anything it's not for open cuts though there you go you've got a tear on your arse Hole Arse crack Your hole

That's crazy That's painful Yeah How do you sit down That's such a shame Such a shame It's such a shame That happened in a

Do you know what it is I feel like next time They shouldn't go so fast paced Take your time Why are you rushing Yeah Maybe put some lights on So you can see what he's doing

To see what's going on That's crazy I hate having the lights on To be fair Do you Same barely a candle light so you're just in pain and darkness honestly i hate it i can't even look at myself in the mirror not even like having like the tv on i know i'd be watching i'm not having sex with these stenders on, Christy. I know that's what you're thinking about. I'd be too distracted. It'll be... Wait.

What? No, but guys. Honestly. The confession. I feel like... Well, I'm happy that they stopped. Because imagine if they... No, no, because imagine if they continued.

Imagine if they continued and the tears just get... That's a mad it's not gonna rip from her ass to her front but it's in fast pace yeah when the way it was first described that is exactly what I imagined and that can't be true it can't be possible um christ

yeah maybe just take it a bit easier take it easy take it easy um we should normalise talking about anal fishes because i think they can come up in a lot of circumstances so now you can oh go on so then basically how do you obviously not in the realm of sex but then you said you happen in the bathroom so how do i not regularly i'm not blowing out fine but how do i know i don't believe that how do i know that i had a wheat intolerance it was hard to pass stools okay cool

i'd be scared like if i feel that feeling a bit constipated like i think i might get an anal fist is it fissure fissure anal fissure is something else that's gonna. Is it fissure? Fissure. Anal fissure is something else. That's going to give you a fissure. It will give you multiple fissures. Oh my God. Oh my God. But yeah, no,

I would be quite concerned being constipated now. I'm like, oh my God, I don't want to go in. Just be careful with it. So you need to have a lot of something in your diary.

Fibre. Fibre. Fibre. Fibre in your diary. fiber have some yogurt anyway next um the boy in the the boy in the green jumper um slightly off topic but still in the realm of bum sores you can get piles from sitting on concrete cold of course but you didn't know that though christy cold floors oh my gosh are you telling me back in school when we used to have assemblies You can get piles from sitting on concrete. Of course. You didn't know that though, Christy. Cold floors. Oh my gosh.

Are you telling me? Back in school, when we used to have assemblies and we'd sit on the bleeding floor. That's why they call her the pile queen. That was to Bobby, wasn't it? Oh my days. That's crazy. Yeah, so you've got to be careful with that.

Hey. I've never had piles though, just to confirm. Haven't you? No. No, she hasn't. all my days that's crazy yeah so you've got to be careful with that hey I've never had piles though just to confirm haven't you no no she hasn't are you sure it's not you Billy

it's my friend from home I think piles are quite regular oh yeah you get piles if you strain too much like it doesn't tear but like

what the heck sometimes they just pop up and you're like oh hello you're new what do they call you Baked beans Oh Look at me

Too far man Please don't lose that What is going on I'm not kidding you babe That's too far But anyway My thing is Going back to

The confession She said she got her partner To like Put the cream on it Because you circled back Around this confession Three times Yeah what about it

I'd I would never let my partner Do that I would not Yeah I'd be too embarrassed Now I'm like I've got a lady Because you circled back and forth this question three times. Yeah, what about it? I would never let my father do that. I would not, yeah. I'd be too embarrassed. Now I've got a lady and it's like, okay, cool. Daily. Don't touch that. Do you know what I mean? It's a delicate flower.

Don't touch the goods. You've got to pay for that. No, I think the whole imagery in my head is just like wow what the heck image that no you want to image that yeah oh well thank you for sharing that yeah i feel like i say i think it's more common than you think okay oh yeah but anyway who doesn't who doesn't go for a poo and not get blood when they wipe what no no no no go see a doctor if that's it no it does it's the same as getting an anal fissure. Sometimes it can be something different.

No, only if it's really deep red. Right. Clearly. I'm a bit more about this than I do. You're going to get really hot now, actually. Oh, my God. I don't know what's going on. I didn't know I had so much to say about bum holes.

No, I did. It's my bread and butter. Thank you so much for sending that over. That was actually quite... It's your bum and butter. It's quite interesting to know. It's your bread and butter thank you so much for sending that over that was actually quite it's quite interesting to know it's my bum and blood

no my blood and what bread and bummer your bum rolls what is going on oh no see this is why we can't

really fit into any fucking podcast we won't get any brand deals because we can't talk about arseholes maybe we could get an NHS

sponsorship oh giving out business money over here that's a good one I don't think

the NHS are looking for brand deals are they anyway should we be able to let's play

some don't spill the teas yes I'm excited where you spill the teas. Yes, I'm excited. Where you spill the tea and we try not to. Right. I used to think that skid marks were the lines that my knickers left on your waist.

So I would always tell people that I had skid marks. That one was very you coded. I kind of think all of this is not i remember i once told my grandparents i'm here for my blow job because i thought it meant getting your hair dried why would they go to their grandparents Billy's gone oh no Lauren's gone as well that's sick

it came up my back of my thing. Oh my God, that does smell like sick. Does it? Have you just thrown up? Oh my God. Okay. I used to say that I needed my back blown out whenever it hurt.

I'm right in my eye. Billy, you're so... Billy is absolutely covered. He's going seafront You literally look like You've been dipped in a pond Imagine going to the Like you're walking into Like the surgery

Or the place Or your appointment Hi I'm here I've got an appointment I have to get my back Blown out That's a different Kind of appointment Do you know what I mean blown out that's a different kind of appointment

that's mad that's my kind of appointment yeah she wouldn't be happy with that she would not want to hear me getting my blood cues my profanities yeah my not me personally but there's a story I always remember my nan saying like

she was on the she was on her first flight and she was like oh i hope the pilot doesn't ejaculate us out instead of eject the seats um i always i always used to pronounce um fatigue as fatty gay as an english british grew up on the isle of Wight person in psychology I was like well you know it makes the subject feel a little bit fatty gay and then the other one is when I was reading out

a script in drama and it was like a northern script and at the end it said well I pronounced it Tara but it's Tara. And then just like, you know something that sticks with you for the rest of your school time.

Like Tara. That's one of those really sad, cool memories forever. I feel like, I think my only bit would be pronouncing the word consequences because I used to pronounce it consequences just because the C.

Where's the H? Because the C and the S in French is a different kind of pronunciation. Right. So I'll be like, you don't wanna do the contraquenches. They're like, what the hell are you talking about? You sound like an E in the world.

Yeah, literally. Con-tra-quenches. Contra-quenches. I'm just practically perfect. No more. All right, I'm just gonna pray. All right, here we go. A few more.

I haven't opened my nose when I was seven I thought the word sensual was the same thing as sensational so when we went on vacation I told my parents I can't wait to have a sensual day at the beach it's quite cute when I was younger

I thought brothels meant arguments so I kept telling people that I was in a brothel what? I don't know maybe maybe like brawl. Brawl, yeah. Yeah. This one is so random vibe.

I let one of my friends borrow a pair of my underwear and it came back with a skid mark. Are we not washing our clothes after we borrow that from friends? That's a violation. I've just seen, actually, I just learned a new term. Snickers knickers. What's that? Like as if you had a chocolate bar in the back of your pants. That's disgusting. Is there anything wrong with having skid marks? I don't know, it's fine. If you're going to share pants, you might as well prepare for the worst.

Nothing wrong with skid marks. I don't understand why you'd give the pants back. That's what I mean. I wouldn't want, if I lent i lent someone some underwear oh even if it was washed no i won't win them back it's weird personally let us know your thoughts in the comments if you what did you say then when you gave them back it wasn't me you idiot no joke okay ready yeah sorry it's okay um same vibe i used to think that skid marks were stretch marks so when my friend showed me hers i said that i had skid marks all over my body i used to think i used to think no that's actually a choking

I can't breathe it's actually a choking sorry you're done you're done stop what goes up my nose? Okay.

Until 2021, I thought pegging was when someone was hit by a bat. Don't know why. Random. I used to tell everyone that chocolate turned me on, but I meant that it gave me a burst of energy. There we go is that it yeah thank god i'm quite like that that um sharing the sharing underwear one's scary i hope it's like a fresh i think it's fine if you give it a wash No You don't share pants or toothbrushes Yeah

I saw a girl on TikTok the other day Who's living like a You know What's it called Where you like Travel Over consumption She's on under

No under Christy It's like under consumption core This girl on TikTok was like All the things that I cut to save money on She had like one pair of shoes One pair of thingy She shared a toothbrush with her boyfriend.

No. No, no, no. Not even changing the heads. She was sharing the same. No. Every day. I get it if you've gone round to their house and then you're just

stuck for something to use. Just don't brush your teeth. Yeah, or just use your fingers. fingers I mean that's a bit gross share us send us pictures of your skid marks hell no an influx of like no

hell no this podcast never fails to kill me honestly every time but yeah that was quite interesting guys it was funny i want to know i want to know audience listeners out there have you got anything wrong um and then learn it not even as a child you might have just found out the other day yeah you might have also been saying fatigue or had anal fissures let us know for all of the above in the comments also send us your funny

silly confessional voice notes to our four nine instagram we'll link it in the description and we can't wait to hear them and react and listen a lot have a giggle have a yap have a giggle love you bye bye