Tea at Four - "My OCD made me think I was a paedophile" - the dark intrusive thoughts nobody talks about

Episode Date: April 10, 2026

TRIGGER WARNINGWhat happens when your own mind becomes your worst enemy? Today on Tea At Four, Billy and Christie are joined by Molly Lambert (@mollambert) for an unfiltered conversation about the side of OCD the world rarely sees.Molly opens up about her journey with POCD (Paedophilic Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), a theme of OCD characterised by distressing, intrusive thoughts. At 15, Molly believed she was a "monster," leading to a terrifying spiral of "suicide or prison."In this episode, we break down:⭐️ The difference between OCD and General Anxiety.⭐️ Why OCD isn't just about "being clean."⭐️ How Molly moved from "mental torture" to recovery.⭐️ The stigma men and women face when speaking about intrusive thoughts.

It's OCD. One of the themes is pedophilic. Hey guys, welcome back to Tier 4. I'm Billy. I'm Christy and this is the podcast where we talk all things that normally stay in a group chat. And today we're joined by a very special guest. Please give it up for Molly. Thank you so much for coming on.

Thanks for having me, guys. It's my first ever podcast. Really? Yeah. So I have my own, but I haven't actually been on someone else's. Oh, nice. So you're familiar, but it's exciting. It's the microphone's familiar, but this is not familiar.

But it's exciting. Oh, well, thank you so much for coming on. Now, you've got a very interesting story about having OCD and a particular, how do I phrase this? It's a theme within OCD. A theme within OCD. Would you mind telling our audience a little bit about yourself and your story? Yes, I'm Molly. I was diagnosed of OCD last August, which is quite recent, it feels like.

But I kind of knew that I had it for like a good five years before that. So it wasn't like a complete surprise, not five years, maybe like three years. but yeah I've started doing like kind of advocacy for it and I've posted the videos about it for years and years but kind of in the past like six months it's really been like kind of oh there's people are recognizing this it's becoming more of a conversation and yeah I mean the feedback the response has been insane

and I think it's something that needs to be spoken about so I'm glad that I'm here talking to you guys about it but yeah no well actually very very excited to kind of like delve into your journey, your experience, because when you hear OCD, you just, for me, personally, it's like, okay, clean freak. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Could you delve into the type? Yeah. So I'm not clean. I'm not organized. I'm quite chaotic. So when I, like, I suffered with it for years, obviously, without knowing about it.

And when I came across a video, I was like, OCD. Like, I literally learned about this. I'm like, I did not fit into what I thought, like, you say, it was. but OCD is like obsessive and intrusive unwanted thoughts so that there are different themes within that so it's like kind of harm sexual moral the health and contamination what you guys all know

basically anything that you can become anxious about is a certain theme and then certain people have different themes of mine was probably like the paedophilic sexual and harm themes because if they scared me the most so therefore I was attached to them the most

and I was spiraled about them the most What was that like for you? Like what kind of thoughts were you getting? So when I was younger, a lot of my thoughts kind of obviously this is looking back now from therapy. Obviously I always had OCD but it's just like I didn't recognize if that's what it was. And I would always obsess over kind of like events and like kind of social stuff and go how's I act in that and like go over kind of conversations and did I really enjoy that? And was I really happy then on my birthday and I was just a really anxious little being when I was younger. like which obviously looking back is sad because obviously it was OCD but um and also really obsessing over like

kind of Madeline McCann and how like if that could happen to me and like what would happen if someone came into my house and I would I had like night terrors and like all the signs were there from like a very young age but obviously that was you know put down to child anxiety and whatever and then when I was about 14 15 I was in an airport going to on a family holiday and I saw a little girl and I was oh her outfit's a bit weird for a child which wearing a crop top and a skirt and like that was the thought and I was like wait why have I thought that that's so weird that I even

recognise she's a child why would I even notice that and then for the rest of the holiday I was just like obsessing over it and looking at kids on the beach and thinking well why am I near them I was thinking about that girl's outfit and like it just took over my entire holiday and like ruined it which is just so much fun and then we're back to school kind of managed to forget it which I don't really know how

I did that now like looking back but I did forget it. I think so it was like GCSE is obviously a lot of revising and stress and whatever. And then I was at my desk. It was a month from my exams beginning. And I think what I've learned from people is it's a lot. It's normal like a kind of a stress event or like a trigger that can kind of make it blow up more. So I was sat at my desk and I remembered the thought I was having on the holiday last summer and I was like, sorry.

I was like, oh no. Like I've just remembered this again. And like from that moment, like my life. was like forever different which is just weird and like and it's I think I've you know I've obviously been through other things in my life and like stuff has been shit has been bad but sorry because last time class can't be shit yeah it has been shit but the thing that was the worst me was my own mind which when you think about it it's like what the hell like it's we could have not done that but um it was just yeah and like from that desk day

I was just a different person. Obviously, everyone around me didn't know what was happening. They just thought I was stressed about my exams. And I was like, yeah, it's my exam. I couldn't care less about my exams. Like every second of every day, I was thinking about how much a normal person I was. And then obviously, not obviously,

but those you do, you kind of go from one spiral to another. So I was thinking about, okay, I'm a paedophile and I'm the worst person in society and I'm going to be put away and I'm going to like, whatever. And then it was going to like, what if I'm a harm to like my family and my friends or what if I fancy my family or my friends or my dog? like I laugh about this because I have a phobia of dogs and I was like my dog what if I fancy my dog

like what the fuck like you know looking back it's like now I'm out of it it's like so irrational but that's the point and all these themes are irrational and like if you can understand OCD from this perspective of like someone wiping the side five times

because that's irrational right so it was me thinking I was a paedophile when I was 15 like I obviously wasn't a paedophile it was my brain with OCD it's a neurodivergence so like the way you process and information is different. So it gets stuck and you have like a loop and a loop and a loop and like you just can't forget something. So I, I had this thought and then I, I couldn't forget it. And then I was, by thinking about it more, I was then like kind of expanding it. And then

the spiral was going more and more and more. Yeah. Was it like the name, because the title of it is P OCD. Is that correct? Or is that just the. Yeah. So a lot of people have kind of like covered in the articles and stuff like P-O-CD and pedophilic disorder, which is just not quite, it's OCD and then the themes within that, one of the themes is pedophilic. So like my worst one was a pedophilic one. That's one that like, ruin my life. And that's just you thinking you're a pedophile without any actual. Well, yeah, there's like a paedophile where they have guilt or not has like desire and

attraction and they want those thoughts, even if they don't like them and they know that it's bad, they still want the thoughts and they have desire. whereas like some of OCD is like literally the opposite. It's like these paedophiles exist, these killers exist. Like I have the typical to cause harm because I'm a human being. So therefore could I do that? And that what if and that uncertainty is what people of OCD fixate on? So it's nothing.

And that's obviously the upsetting part about like, you know, all the feedback that I've got with backlash rather because it's obviously I understand. You hear the word and it's like, oh my God, like this girl's crazy. Why is she talking about that? but people aren't talking about it and like I'm lucky that I survived it and I'm not gonna lie at it back and I'm like how the hell did I survive that

like because it feels like like one minute I was like normal ish I was anxious and whatever but I was like happy and I obviously still have loads of like friends and stuff but like I was you know I was loving life and then the next day it was like I couldn't think about anything else

I felt so guilty for like existing and being alive and like I ruined all of my like prom my last day and my gazette like everything was just ruined so I was just I wasn't I was there and I was smiling in the dress but I wasn't there like I was somewhere else you know you just explaining it right right there for some strange reason it took me back to when I was in a cinema watching let me land guys inception because you know how you're saying let me lad let me land let me land I don't know what the film is so you're like basically saying that you're stuck obviously it's stuck in your head

and then you're thinking about it and it's expanding more so it's like you're reliving this realm over and over and over and over again. So you're trying to battle whether this is actually true or not. And I said, have you watched Inception. No. People that have will get you. People that have young will get me. Because even at the end of inception,

like the little coin is still like spinning and you don't know whether he's still in the dream or if he's living in real life. Okay. Did you get my trip? One of my, one of the themes, and I see loads of people deal with is like the fear of going in psychosis

and like going mad. I think because obviously a lot of the thoughts feel quite kind of, they're not reality, you're kind of you're always living somewhere else which just makes like I always feel quite not now anymore but I used to feel just like quite out of body and just like I was thinking about so many other things that weren't actually real all the time um so yeah one of my themes actually was like kind of and even is now like am I going mad will I do I have the capacity to then go

mad and like because it just like you're basically just a more with your brain all the time and like obviously when you get therapy and you I'm in recovery which I am now like it's like a background noise so we'll get into but like it's not it's just a little like okay, you're weird, shut up. Like, I can see it for what it is, but when you're in it, it's like, literally, like, suffocating. Like, it's awful.

And, like, why I'm talking about it is, I can't even imagine the amount of people that have unfortunately committed suicide over this. Like, I always, that's kind of my overall reason that I'm doing this is, like, obviously, I'd never actually experienced, kind of suicidal ideation or, like, super depressive states before this. And it put me there. And, like, for people that, you know,

like I said before, I haven't, don't have support systems or, you know, are lacking in other areas. This, I'm very certain is like a main reason for suicides. The GMs that I get, I had a message from a woman the other day saying that her son died from this like three years ago. And he tried to speak about it and people were like, what the hell are you talking about? And for a man, it's like you have this other layer and I get a lot of comments like, if this was a man, you'd be like whatever. which I get, I do get it, but it's like, it's the same thing for a man and a woman. It's definitely men have this an extra layer to deal with because, you know, they are presumed to be those things more.

But yeah. Gosh, and how did you, what was the realisation? How did you kind of get the diagnosis? Yeah, so I, obviously 15, spent like two years just in like what the hell is happening to me. But like I was like still, I think that's kind of why I'd deal with a lot of like association now is I was really separating myself from my brain. was like at prom and I was like with my friends we were going out but I was like oh my god I'm

gonna have to deal my brain when I get home I'm gonna have to think about how awful I am like and I hated being alone I wasn't eating I lost a lot of weight and everyone was like well like body tea but I was like no like this is not like like do I mean so yeah and then I think maybe like two years after that went to six four I was really distracted myself like going out like and that's like why I think I've got a lot of anxiety now it's like I just was distracting just like trying to just ignore my brain all the time which all the time which all right. obviously is not healthy. And then I was on TikTok,

so this was in 2021. So I was in, yeah, two and a half years after. So I was still dealing with it just as badly, but like I was like coping more. Like I was eating again. I was like a bit more calm. Like I was kind of in fight or flight

for like a year, I'd say, like not being able to sleep and stuff. And then someone posted a video and it was like when someone says that OCD is cleaning, but you have thoughts of like fancying your niece or like as a not actually, but like the thought of what if I fancy my niece? Yeah.

And I read it and I was like, OCD. I literally was like doing A level psychology, writing about OCD, like, you know, getting the marks. And I had that disorder and I had no idea because of how it's like presented and talked about. And like, because I'm not clean, therefore I can't have it, you know. It comments now from people being like, are you sure you have it? You're so messy. It's like, shut up. Don't clock me like that.

That's fair. But like that's the one theme that I don't have. Like I think about germs and whatever And like I obviously think about like I've got a lot of health anxiety But you know my room is not it just doesn't correlate So like I saw this video and I was like oh my god I read the comments and it was like yeah interest of thoughts Like kind of joking about it a bit and I was like wait a minute

This can't be it And obviously went down a rabbit hole You know learn the word intrusive thoughts for what they actually are In terms of OCD As you could like hear them like Intrissive thought of like pushing or like And I pushing someone off a bridge and it's like, ha ha, it's like, that is an intrusive thought. But obviously, people have them and don't care about them or it doesn't really bother them or they don't stick.

Whereas for me, like every thought I was having, I wasn't forgetting it. And it's kind of same now. Like most, like, I think it's in your brain, it's like, I obviously don't know the science behind it entirely. But the part of your brain that kind of does the information looping is like broken, basically. So like the things that should just kind of flow through, like it gets stuck more. And then obviously when you have the anxiety part of your brain, then goes, wait, why is it here? What do we do with this? And then it's just, uh, and then it's just, uh, do, do, do, uh, despite no evidence of anything

else. And then you start checking. And that's where the, the compulsions kind of come in, which I'm not sure if you're going to ask about, but that's basically like the C part of it, obviously. So like people, you know, might clean or they might like count things, but that's a way of kind of suppressing the intrusive thoughts they're having. Yeah. For me, it was kind of all like a mental compulsion.

So I was like checking my thoughts and checking how I felt when I had. this thought or like thinking oh what did I do you know five years ago with that child I looked after what was that and I would just go over and over and over um or I used to kind of like shake my head which is quite jokes but I just like shake my head when I'd have a thought to try and get it out and that was kind of my like thing like because people can't describe it as like inside Tourette's which I think I don't know how about that description because I think obviously I don't want to take away from people that have Tourette's but it is that kind of the thoughts do just for they come from nowhere and then when they were in your brain,

and also the more that you fixate on them, the more they're going to come. So then it's kind of like a catch-22 because it doesn't, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Also, people do you say, like, an intrusive thought of, like, dyeing my hair. Oh, no, it's where I dyed my head.

That's an impulsive thought. Yeah. So, like, it's not, I think that is a bit confused. All of this is confused. Like, I think it's not anyone's fault. Yeah. People are obviously giving me hate and, like, death threats. That's just a different thing.

But, like, people don't understand. So, like, and also, I was speaking to a guy the other day, and she was saying, oh, sorry, that like people find it difficult to understand something they haven't been through. Like a lot of times, like, well, I've never thought of that. So why would the hell would you think that? And I had comments being like, you were 15, one. After you think that?

Why you couldn't have been? Well, I don't know either. Like, that's the point. Like, it's not, it wasn't a normal thing to think. It was obviously, it was super, and I was responding to a stress. And my brain was going, how do we fix this? And obviously, I have OCD, so it just couldn't forget it. Yeah.

But yeah. But you say now that you've kind of like, you're over overcome it in a way that you're in recovery. How does that, how does that even take place or start to? So when I kind of eventually, you're comfortable talking about it more and more, I kind of like spoke about it with some friends

and they were like, oh my God, I've had this, I've had a similar thing and I was like, wait, like kind of just getting more comfortable with like the fact that maybe I do have like this disorder and kind of like researching it more and learning about it more. I brought down to my parents drunk which I don't recommend it was Christmas Eve too like actually it's such a row time to do that but yeah I was like drunk and I was like I've had these awful thoughts for like years and like I think I know what it is and like it was the worst time in my life

and I and I still had not gone over those that year that I had obviously the prom and that part of my life and even now like it makes me cry like talking like talking about those moments because it's just like it was just terrifying. And so they were like, what the hell? And they were like, okay, like, we'll get you therapy. And my parents are great. They're very like, I would say woke. They're just very like aware

and they're very emotionally intelligence. They were like, this sounds awful. They weren't like, what the hell are you talking about? A paedophile harm. Like, what? Molly, if you were in a black household, African parents, they'll be like, come on, let's go free. I can imagine.

I can imagine. And you said you're drunk. So imagine me going downstairs. Mom, God. I've been up. Yeah. Where's the Bible? Right the holy water.

Yeah. It's baptized you right here. I was very lucky. Like I get a lot of DMs of people being like, I mean, I'm not going to give, actually I won't say that because that kind of puts people, people, I want to speak about it. But I think if you explain it in the right way, so even your parents, if you explain it in like a way that's like, this is the disorder, this is what it is. I'm obviously, I'm a bit insane, but I'm not insane in that way. Like people can understand it. And my parents were just like, hey, let's get therapy.

Nice. I had talking therapy in my university town in Leeds, which, I mean, it wasn't the best thing. You're meant to have ERP or CBC with OCD, which kind of is like a, almost like a phobia therapy. So you kind of like expose yourself to things more and more and kind of like sit with the fact that that thought's really scary, but it doesn't mean anything. It's just your brain. But I had talking therapies. I kind of just like was starting to unpack it. And it took me like a good two months, say the word paedophile and like actually talk about that, those six months of my life.

because I still was just like, let's not. Let's talk about like how my day was. But I literally like, it was, it was quite dramatic. I was like sobbing and it was just all a lot. And then it kind of made it worse for like a week. And like, no, not a week. Like a good few weeks. I was having like really bad dreams.

And I was like in like a really like stress state again. But obviously that was just coming. It was all the stress coming out again. And she helped me. Like it was just kind of putting it outside of myself. And I was like, oh, like this isn't me. Like this is something bigger than me. and like it happened to me it wasn't me

same way that like if you're depressed you're you have depression it's happening to you you're not you're not the depression do I mean and she kind of like comforted me a lot and was like you know this is so common like this is not just you like it's a very big part of OCD like and then she was like I think you have OCD like kind of confirmed and I was like yeah same but like you know

Finnish university was getting I was speaking about it a little bit but I was kind of still finding it quite scary. And then I actually had a student podcast at my university with my friend. And she had OCD or she had like intrusive thoughts as well. And I thought, should I just do an episode and just talk about it? And you never know what people will respond like. I did it. And like people will literally like, oh my God, I had the same thing.

And even people at my university. And I was like, wait, like I, for some reason, feel okay to talk about this now. And I'm quite like emotionally. I'm an okay sharer, clearly. So like, I should just do this. you know like this is like scary but it's you know and then move back home had some really bad times of like physical anxiety then i got hypnotherapy which what the hell what's that it's like when you get hypnotized yeah so they kind of like she would be like okay close your eyes

vision your safe space have these dark disturbing thoughts but you're in a safe space so it wasn't really she was great and she helped me in a lot of ways but probably wasn't the best thing for oCD I think she she well she didn't believe i had it she was like you had a nervous breakdown and it induced distressing anxiety, anxious, thoughts. I'm still having them now, though. So, like, what we're talking about? So, yeah, she was great, but, like, not the best in terms of OCD. So then I kind of was like, I wanted us find out, like, this, I want to know,

obviously I knew that I probably did have it. And then I got privately diagnosed last July, August. And, yeah, he's up, like, a whole, like, document about my whole thing. And I got, like, Moilambut has OCD. specifically pedophilic harm health themes and I was like oh my god I can rest but obviously that's not that's not it over like that's just it just labels it and I think like with anything when you have a label obviously you don't need to and it's like you're valid either way but for me it was kind of it helped that externalising it like it was no longer just here it was like that's

it's out of me and like it's not it might obviously it is in my control but no it's not but it was yeah it's kind of distance it from me enough, I could then properly start recovering. And I haven't actually had therapy in like six, seven months, but I think I'm going to go back for a little bit of, you know, support. Spice it up a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. But like I think just for me, speaking about it is enough to like separate it from me and that really helps. It's obviously very inspiring that you can come out here and talk to us about this. But I imagine if it was a guy who was in the same similar situation, it must be a lot harder for them. Yeah. I think obviously I acknowledge that I have

privilege of being a white, 22 year old, basic girl that like people are like, oh, we can hear her out because she might be normal despite this headline. But for anyone else who has other stereotypes against them and especially a man, it's like, it's really, really difficult. And I think they, you know, they're like or not, obviously men have stereotypes about, you know, sexual violence. and whatever which but I think for a man what people need to understand

is OCD doesn't choose a gender like and also I think almost I was saying the other day to my friend I was like if I was a man I'd be extra panicky because it's like you like you're more statistically likely

to be that and then it's like so it's kind of I think every man probably has worries of like making someone uncomfortable because they know that the role that they could be in or they people think they're in so some of the OCD

that feeling is heightened it's like I'm already worried about don't be in this way towards a woman or someone else and then therefore and then they're panicking about even thinking about that do you know I mean so for a man it's just like double the stigma but hopefully the more that I you know undo the stigma is for both men and women not just women the more you describe it because I kind of like going into these conversations completely in the unknown and like hearing what you have to say about how it's not the genuine thought it's the worrying about that thought being real and how that kind of then progresses and how your mind

then spirals. I think has completely opened up my eyes to like what I mean I can never really sympathise with you because I would never experience it but I really do sympathise in a way that like it must be awful. Yeah and if I was actually think of a blue balloon you'd think of a blue balloon right so like or don't or don't think of a blue balloon rather and then you've thought of it right because I've said don't think about it. So my mind was going, don't think about all these awful things because like you're a bad person. So I'm obviously going to think about them because then I'm like, like, you're in that zone. Yeah. You're there. It's like the, you know, the good, good angel, bad angels. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Because we all, like, everyone has like, like,

dark thoughts about like, oh, what if that happened or what if, and like people have those thoughts? Like that's like normal. But the difference of OCD is like, you have the thought and then you go, why the hell have I had that thought? And what does that mean about me? And that's the difference. but I think like and I was growing up it was a lot of like my fears about like the world and danger

and like the danger that I could be put in and then it flipped like what if I'm the danger so I was just covering every area basically and I think we all can agree pedophiles are the worst people in society so like my biggest fear was being that that's the top thing you can be

so like and it was almost like my thoughts about being a murderer were like kind of easy compared to the paedophile one because I was like, that's the worst. Obviously, that is also awful. And, like, I would never do any of that just to confirm. But, like, the paedophile one was so distressing because it was just so disturbing. And I was like, why have I even had a thought that I could be that?

Like, I'm 15. The label of it is, it's quite dangerous, I think, for yourself. Like, I think as soon as, because there's not much information out there. Yeah. When people hear pedophile. Straight. They ain't thinking about anything else. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. And I completely, but I think that's why I'm doing this. because I can explain it. And like if one person who watches them was like, she's a, oh, like they might actually be like, oh, if you understand anxiety and you understand OCD

from what people think it is and you understand, do you what I mean? Like, if I was actually a paedophile, I would not be sat here. Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like some people are just like, you're a little bit thick. But like, you know, and it's been Facebook that I've really had the, but I've deleted it now.

I can imagine. It's like, it's like, Steve from crew or Stoke-on-Trent is like, you're a, I'm like, what the hell? Like, just read. But it's fine. Oh, no, they can't. They can't read.

They can't read. What is a good day with living with OCD versus a bad day, like, for you? Yes. A good day is like maybe one intrusive thought I'm like about, I don't know, falling over the road and hitting my face or like someone coming and like stabbing me, but I'm like, oh, it's not going to happen, move on. That's a good day. That's a good day.

That's a good day. Wait, no. I'm giving no hope to people. As in like today, I had a thought about someone coming to it soon and stabbing me. But I was like, if it does, you guys will find out and you can call my parents. It's fine. Like those kind of thoughts, I'm like, I'm okay with those now. A bad day would be like, for me now, like I've read a comment and it was like,

well, are you not so non-offending paedophile? And then I'm like, wait, have I got this all wrong? And like, I'm just talking to the public and like, do I mean? So that can feel really, but I'm like way better now at being. like it's an OCD thought, shut up and move on. But I find now the thoughts for me that stick more are kind of like, so there's a thing called false memories, have you heard of this? And this is a big thing in OCD.

You kind of convince yourself that like, so people message to me saying like I was on night out last night, got really drunk and I'm convinced I killed someone on my way home and I don't remember it. Obviously they didn't do that. Of course, yeah. Loads of friends of mine have had the same experience. It's like, oh, like, you know, I was drunk, so therefore I could have done something and I could have, or I could have raped someone,

I have no memory of it. And I know how I got home and I remember it, but what if? And that's like, so, you know, they exist in OCD in like in terms of like childhood and thinking, oh, did I ever do anything in my childhood? I don't remember or like when I was drunk in uni, like those kind of thoughts. Because you can't, and that's what OCD loves like the never ending. There's no answer, right? Because you're never going to really certainly know because you'll, you could be,

paying tricks on you or whatever. So like mine are kind of, if I go out, I kind of try and drink less now, which is so boring because I am a party girl but I can't do it because if I go out I'm like was I rude to my friend did I like hit her

like kiss her boyfriend like which is just irrational but I think everyone when you're when you're like hung over right do you have like anxiety yeah crazy so you're kind of thinking like what did I do it's kind of that on like times a thousand

when you have OCD and it's like I could not deal with that my anxiety I can't so like I don't leave the flat I can't let it's not good so I try and drink like twice a month yeah

every day. Do you find that in regard to like, let's say relationships, has that kind of affected relationship with friends, like with partners? Because I can only imagine, like you're thinking, Rod, do you think I'm crazy? Or did I say something bad? Like the other day, I'm not, I don't know the story.

But a guy asks me, oh, um, he's just, he was just talking and I was like, I can't wait to hear you breathe. And then after me personally, I said, I said that. I said that. I said that. What is that me?

And I don't know why I said it, but thinking of it, I was just like, wrong. Why did you say that? It was so weird. Hearing you say that was weird. Is that like a romantic partner of yours? Okay, yeah, yeah. Yeah, let's see that. So, but it might have thought it in my head, but obviously I said it out.

Yeah. Oh, that, yeah. Yeah. I don't know what that is. Yeah. I'm not like, um, what's that all about? And I'm just like, oh, Christy, like, what this is? And then were you thinking about it for a while?

Yeah. And I was like, here's where it is, man. Take it or leave it. If you think I'm weird or weird. See, I'd think about that forever. Right. Like, which is annoying. That will bother me.

If I could, like, yeah, yeah. Like it just, but then I think like that obviously things loop in my head now, but I have a way to end the spiral. Take it. I have a way to end the loop. So like, which obviously is from therapy, which I'm sure I can get too more. But like, as in, I now know how to end it. But when you're in it and you have.

have no way of so then the thoughts can just last and last and you'll be somewhere thinking about the thought you had three days ago do I mean yeah my next question was like do you have these intrusive thoughts from prior pop up again oh yeah yeah yeah all the time and obviously I'm talking about it more so naturally like I said before the balloon thing don't think about a balloon so I'm like I'm talking about this pitifulic harm sexual whatever thoughts like online and whatever which obviously is amazing and I'm doing it isn't not amazing not I'm amazing but it's great you are amazing Thank you. You know what I mean?

Like it's, it's great. And I'm so glad that it's getting out there. But it does mean it's in my mind more. So then it is, it's difficult, which is why I kind of want to maybe get some more therapy to kind of support that. But about the friends and relationships. Yeah. Friendships, no.

I think all my friends have actually been like, that's awful. Like we're here. All my friends are amazing. But when I was 15, obviously that's the kind of time that you're having crushes and figuring out of sexuality or like having, having first and I was thinking I was a paedophile so it kind of like it kind of weirdly removed all of of that so like I should have been having crushes on George and Henry but I was like uh you know it wasn't

it kind of it I'm joking about it but obviously it's like awful and I kind of removed all of my you know nice thoughts about intimacy and sex and like romance I kind of just like removed it for my mind entire. I was like, that's not for me. Like, I'm not allowed to do that. And also, like, a lot of my issues and the issue around OCD is the amount of shame that you have. And, like, I didn't believe that I deserve to be alive. So then it's kind of like, how would I think that I deserve to be loved? And that's something that I'm still, which is so heavy. Sorry. It's something that I'm still working through now and I'm not working for it very well. I'm not going to lie. Like, I think I'd really be here. So then it's kind of like, okay, I'm here and

I'm thriving and I'm happy, but then I've got to now think about like my own romantic life and my own sexuality and like, which obviously I have like boom of people, but like I'm always quite like, because I'm just like that's not, not as in like a, in some ways it's a self-love thing, but also and I just haven't, I didn't have enough time to think about it properly when I was growing up because I was just so fixated on these awful thoughts I was having. So yeah, it's just, it's just ruined. I mean, it's not ruined because it will change. I know that it will change. And that's my next thing on my list to try and conquer is like go properly dating and like allow myself to do that. People have said to me like in my DMs and in real life like people that have relationships,

relationship OCD is a big one as well. So people that are like have boyfriends, have girlfriends are like, do I really like them? Am I really aroused by them? Was that even, did I enjoy hanging out with them? It can really ruin like relationships. I'm sure and I can't wait for that. But I'm joking. I won't re-empt next season.

Yeah. Me next year back. So, but like also people are having sex, like the thoughts are, oh, is this weird? Have I like forced them into doing this or like having a, you know, kind of a disturbing thought during sex or after? Like it's, it's a real toughy. And I think if you have sexual intrusive thoughts, sex and romance in general is kind of a difficult thing to navigate. When you kind of, when you sought, seeked the treatment that you got and you were speaking to your therapist. Yeah.

How, what is it that you do that kind of like stops the cycle for you? Yeah, I think she didn't really teach me, wait, no, she taught me a lot in terms of like, I guess being able to speak about it and like she taught me a lot about shame and how much like parts of my life and the ways I was thinking about things and treating things all came and all derived from the fact that I had so much shame from when I was 15 and all those years of like struggling with it. But the way that I've learned to view it now, I think is that you just from learning about it and like knowing what it is.

And everyone that ever messes me is like, how did you feel like, and people are so desperate and like in the saddest way. It's like, oh, like, I've had this thought and like I, people were literally like in my DMs like on the brink of suicide because they, and I'm like, I want to reply to everyone and I try. But this is obviously a biggest scale issue. Like people aren't, they're too terrified to go get the help. When they get the help, it's not that great of the help because people aren't understanding the severity of like what OCD can be like. I know some mental illness is there's like different types of treatment. treatment they can get. Is there any medical treatment that like help suppress things or is it completely therapy? Obviously, so you can get medication. I'm not on medication which I get asked a lot, anxiety

medication and whatever. But I think ERP like I mentioned before and CBT is the best therapy you can get. But people have said to me that they've gone to their GP before and they've been told that, you know, it's just anxiety or they're told like you're a danger to other people. Like people aren't understanding it. I think it's getting way better. And obviously through this, I think it will get better. general. I think weirdly in America is a lot more known and kind of like understood there. I work for a company called NOCD

and they have a lot of followers and they have to do a lot of advocacy for it and like it seems to be a lot better it's a lot better of awareness over there maybe because Americans are just like Americans and they say what they want. And also I think British people are quite like. Yeah. Yeah. That's your business. Got that

to do with me. Yeah. Yeah. So I think it's a lot harder but I think the more that we do this and I can do go on to do whatever I think it will become easy people to then go to the GP oh I have what this girl has and like this is a thing you know people just like so so terrified and like it puts you in a place where it's kind of like you and your brain and like no one and also no one can comfort you because you don't want to talk about it so you're kind of just in this like thing by yourself which I think is why like people come to my my page I hate saying that like my TikTok because you know seeing someone else verbalize what you're you know you're

you've experienced. It's like that's that's the relief that I got and that's how I felt comforted because I never felt comforted before. To answer your question, I thought I kind of went around around about that is, is I think I now know what an OCD thought is. And I think I think I saw a question about like kind of the difference between anxiety and OCD. I was going to be my next one. Because I have both. To say if someone is watching who doesn't have OCD, how would you describe to then the difference between anxiety? I think because I do have anxiety. as well, I think an anxious thought is like, oh, like, what if this, not what if, but like, you know, I'm trying to give an example.

Like, what if I'm sick on the tube or something? Like a bit of an anxious thought, right? But someone with anxiety would be like, oh, that's scary, but like they'll just move up. But OCD, you'll like think about ever, like, what if I'm sick on this person? How would, how would I get home? It kind of expands and it's the obsession, right? Oh.

And then the compulsion is kind of doing something or going over it or going, like, it's like, it kind of is a bit more expansive than anxiety is how I can describe it. But how I recognize my like actual, because I always find it difficult to kind of like recognize when it's actually my real thought and when it's my OCD thought because sometimes it's like, was I actually rude to my friend? Maybe I was. But like is that an OCD thought?

But I always feel like my OCD thoughts shout quite loudly at me. They're like, unpack this, think about this, go over it. Whereas like my actual thoughts, I just have a thought and I move on. Do I mean? So like OCD thoughts really want you to go over it and unpack it because it's not just a fleeting thought. when you have OCD, it's like it comes back and it comes back in different

shapes and forms and it changes and it gets more cruel and like, well, maybe it's this too and it's like, oh my God. I've always said, I would love to, you know, go into a prison and get arrested. So now I'm just thinking, imagine now that will just be, I don't know why I gave to my mind. I was like, I've had a thought of like, let me get arrested

but then actually the act of now doing the crime for me that way it will stop. It's like absolutely, I don't want a consequence of that. See, someone with OCD would think, why have I thought about getting arrested? Do I want to do a crime? And a lot of people with OCD think about like, a lot of people have said to me that if like a police car like goes part of the

is it for me? Like is it because of my thoughts. And also there's a thing called magical thinking in OCD. It all sounds a little bit made up, but it's not. It's just obviously just the themes are like given certain names to like categorize the thoughts. But if I had a thought of like if I don't do this,

my mum will die. Like that's like a magical thought. I've heard of those. Your thoughts are tied to things that will happen. So in a lot of kids. like hey I'm gonna I don't know fold my pillow or not my pillow I can't fold a duvet a certain amount of times and put my teddy's there so my mom doesn't die that's a really classic OCD like childhood things do obviously so it's the same now but it

just changes but yeah the prison one I have a lot of like people that I know of OCD that kind of obsess over like going to prison and being arrested and like obviously for me when I was in the depths of like my pedophilic interest of thoughts I was like either I commit suicide or I tell my parents and I go to prison And that was my options, right? So like for people that, and I think the biggest thing that kind of like holds me to do this is if I knew what it was,

it would have saved me so many years of trauma. Obviously, it would have been just as hard in terms of dealing with the thoughts and having to like, you know, recover and process it and whatever. But the isolation that I felt is the part that I, like, want to get rid of other people because it's like I had no idea that anyone else on this planet

it would even ever think the same way that I was thinking. And I didn't, I had no, I thought I would literally be 50 with a family if I survived that long. And still thinking about these awful things I'd thought when I was 15 and like, I literally, sorry, I got a job when I was like maybe three months after this whole thing began. And it was in a, what's it called? Ledger Centre in a cafe. So I was a lot of kids. And I literally quit after a week because I was like, I can't do this.

Like I was like, obviously the kids being out, I was like, why am I, I've had, why are they around me? I've had these awful thoughts. And I was like literally 15, just about to turn 16, like meant to have the best summer ever, like year 11 summer. And I just was not there for any of it. Like I was there, but I wasn't there. This is quite deep, sorry. But I know.

And I remember leaving the shift and I was like, okay, I'm going to have to go kill myself now. Because like this is not going to like, I can't, I was like three months in. And I was like every, every, like, minute that I was awake, I was thinking about, like, just the darkest stuff ever and, like, how I wasn't meant to be alive. And everything that I was doing with my friends and family, I was feeling guilt that I was there because I was, they shouldn't be around this evil person. And they all love me, but they don't know who I really am. Like, I'm happy, what I mean?

Um, and yeah. And also, like I said before, it's like, everyone was going like, oh, like, Molly, you, quite skinny and, like, see, I'm like, yeah, it's just my exams. and then the more that I was lying about it and the more that I was leaving the job because I had another job, which I did have another job, to be fair, but I couldn't have done that job anyway. The more I felt like I was like living a lie

and like it just, there was, for me, no other option was either to kill myself or talk about it and go to present. That was the two that I was left with. And somehow, to be honest, I drank enough and distracted myself enough that I survived it. But like, if I didn't have a good support system

I wouldn't have my family, my friends that distracted me enough, where would I be? I probably wouldn't be sat here. Because imagine like a man that, like, has maybe two male friends, not got close family, is obsessing of the fact that he might be a harm to others.

It doesn't sound a chance, because if he doesn't know what it is, should I mean? Yeah. And he doesn't have people around him that are as open to listening. Yeah. And the quick,

to like you see, like you were saying earlier, the people in your comment section are very close-minded, almost aren't willing to even listen to what you're saying. Like it must be... But even then, like, that is such a small fraction of... The people that...

Like, I've got, honestly, like, 50 messages a day for the past, like, two weeks being like, like, please... Not please, but, like, thank you. Like, I didn't know this was a thing. And people, like, moms and dads that have lived till, like, 45, have a family. And, like, they've just realized what this is now from my article. Like, that's crazy. Like, and...

you know, people that unfortunately have stories about people killing themselves. That is like, I can't imagine how common, especially for men, that's so common. Like, it's because, especially like, like, like, lad culture. Like, how can you turn to your friend and be like, mate? Like, I've had this weird thought. And like, I looked at my niece wrong and now I'm like, do what I mean? Like, you'd be like, what the hell? But the more that we do this and the more that I do this or other people do this,

it won't, but oh, I actually have heard of that. And like that's really shit, mate. And like that can be a conversation. Like it was with anxiety and depression. Because 10 years ago, anxiety was like, why are you shaking? Yeah. Like, which hopefully this will be that. But.

Because it's not like, it's not the intrusive thought. It's the worrying about the intrusive thought. Yeah. Like, there's no desire to act on it. You're not a paedophile. You're scared of being a paedophile. And I think that's what I think, like most people probably don't realize until they actually listen to you.

Listen to it. Yeah. And like, thank God. that you have like the confidence to sit here and like speak out in these yeah in these articles where does that come from where did you get how did you get here i think i've always been quite like open with how i feel yeah i'm good at like talking about it but like i obviously was hiding a lot of how i was actually feeling but um i i think the main thing i get asked is kind of like how on earth are you talking about this and how on earth are you talking to like the sun about this

Like because and if you told me when I was 15 that I'd be doing this, I would have literally thrown up. Like it would like it would have been like like because it was the thing I could never speak about. So like, but I think if I'd known what it was at 15 like the whole thing would have been very different. Obviously it's taken me seven years to get here. But I think it would have been half the time if I'd known what OCD was, which is why I'm doing this. I think bit by bit I just started to learn more and listen to a podcast or watch a TikTok. obviously the title was the thing that I found first and like seeing other people speak about it

and like learning about what OCD was and like kind of the parts of the brain that it was affecting and kind of seeing it for what it is I was like I can explain this I can tell my mom and dad because I know what it is and I I know and obviously and the thing of OCD is you don't trust yourself

like I don't trust myself now like I'll walk out on the street and I'm like what if I you know keel over and my legs give away and like everything is just I just don't trust anything and that's like you don't trust yourself so your brain is just constantly going it's just bullying you basically and it will try and tell you know if you tell people this is going to happen or you know but it's not like people that love you and people that have emotional intelligence and can comprehend a concept

we'll get it or will be kind about it and we'll find you people that actually can help you and yeah when I first told my parents I couldn't actually say the word pedophile or murderer or rapist to them because also they're my parents like I obviously don't want to make them uncomfortable but I just said that I was having really really dark thoughts for years and like it was kind of getting to the point where I just just didn't want to do this anymore and then once I kind of got into therapy and was becoming more comfortable talking about it I then sent them like a podcast I listened to and I was like just listen to this and just like hear it from someone else's mouth because I think I've never actually said and told my parents of abasim like my exact thoughts

because then I always you know I talk about it in a way but I don't make them uncomfortable but kind of sending them resources like podcasts or articles or like a research paper they can learn about it then they can't no one can ever tell you that you're crazy or wrong because you have you're showing them what it is and like I think if you you know blur out something which obviously if you did like it's a it's such a you know you can't blame you for that but I would always try and like have a bit of a plan so that you almost protect yourself that no one's going to turn around and tell you something that's going to make this worse for you. So yeah, I'd always say podcasts, articles, TikTok, send them to your friends.

So this is what I've been experiencing and it's horrible. And then you don't have to say it yourself. I was going to say, what I've, I think for me, what I've learned even just speaking to you is like there's just the different types. It's not just anxiety. There's different layers to it. There's a little subgenres. The themes.

Yeah. to it and then for like especially for us in the UK we're very much oh it's that keep it's yeah yeah yeah it looks so different yes it's that but let's delve deep into it yeah but quick to like brush things off and it's like oh they'll get over it but no the fact that you're speaking about and you're literally i think somebody listening as well for them is like oh it may if there's more to this let me actually go and find the help that i need i think what you're doing is very important thank you and i think the health theme is like the tip of the iceberg like that is obviously and people become agoraphobic from it.

Like it's the health theme and the contamination theme is just as awful. But it's just a part of it. And there's so many other parts of it. And like that is just kind of what has been the most socially acceptable to discuss. And the rest of it is getting shunned and then people are going. And also I still get like now like people trying to figure out if their thoughts are worse than mine. So like, well, I've had this thoughts. Maybe I'm different to you.

But that's an OCD thought in itself. Like if you're, if you're, if any. thought is making you go over and unpack it and you feel sick and you feel panicked by it, it's not a thought that you want to have. Like, and a lot of comments are kind of like non-offending paedophiles feel guilt too, but they might feel guilt and they might know that it's wrong, but they still enjoy the thoughts and they have desire and attraction and that's very different. What advice do you have for anyone listening that it may relate to everything you're saying?

I think it's so cliche and I know that people of OCD hate to hear me say it because it is as scary as part, but talking about it, like, it is the best medicine. It's the only medicine that actually has worked for me. Obviously, I haven't taken medication, but as in the realms of different things you can do to recover, like, all of the battle that I had was inside of myself and, like, I didn't see it ever, like, being out of me. And, like, it was just me versus this thing in my brain over and over again, every hour, every minute. Like, I remember when I was in it when I was 15, I would, like, think about something different. to like, oh, my friend laughing at a joke,

and I'd be like, ha-ha-ha. And then I would go, wait, how did I even get off the fact that I'm an awful person? And how do I even go, like, and then I'd have to go back and think, what thoughts did I have that led me to a good thought? Why, like, it was just like, it's literally like being in a mental, it's like mental torture.

So like, being able to release yourself from that is by verbalizing it. And like having someone else say like, okay, this is what this is. And it's like, and it then becomes, it's like a problem shared as a problem halved, right? It's literally the same thing. Like, if you, verbalises it and externalize it, it no longer becomes as scary. Like, of course, the thoughts I have, like, like, today with the ITSu thing and the stabbing, like, that obviously really scares me and it's

not fun. And like, I find it difficult to kind of be in public sometimes because of these thoughts, but I know where they're coming from. Like, I see them for what they are now. And, like, I know who I am. Like, I know why I find them so panicky because I'm a good person, which I didn't believe for so long but like that is why and like the more that you kind of just make distance with it the more that it will just be like okay you're scary but it's nothing to do with me you're gonna come back and you're going to try and upset me and I'll know what you are and then it just you can just separate it but the ways to do that is by speaking about it and it's terrifying but the more that you learn like I said before and you you know send someone an article or also like I think if you

have like what even one close friend that you know will like understand you like they're very unlikely to tell you that you're crazy or weird especially now that things are in the media and people are talking about it more like that's why I'm doing this because it will become that people have heard about it before and I would a lot of the comments on like Facebook which I have deleted because it was just a rabbit hole but like like like maybe like 70% of them were positive people been like oh my god my kid my child's had this or my niece had this or whatever because you know people like people aren't leaving the house. house people losing their jobs, people ending up in psych wards over this.

Like it's not, and it escalates. I was, I think I was lucky. Like, I think my story, it obviously sounds awful and it is awful. And like, I'm obviously left with a lot of trauma that I'm trying to unbwire. But, like, mine's quite like a clean, okay. Like people, yeah. Like self-harm, substance abuse, psych wards. Like, it takes you somewhere completely else.

And if you're not, if no one's getting you or no one's understanding you or you're not getting the right support, it will go dark very quickly. And I think because I was like, maybe because I was younger, I think I managed to kind of bounce back, not bounce back, but kind of cope better because I was just like in school and I didn't really have,

if I was like, if this happened to me now and like I didn't know what it was and I was in a 9 to 5 job, like, what the hell? Like that's so difficult. I just think the severity of it, people aren't understanding and I hope they will now. What's the one thing you want the public to know about OCD?

So the way that your brain processes things And it's actually a neurodivergence, actually, which I didn't know until very recently. And it's not a specific thing. Like, people go, I'm so OCD or, like, that was so OCD of you. Like, it's not an adjective. And I think this is an issue we have of, like, autism, bipolar. Like, those are disorders that people are really struggling within. I sound super woke, but it is true.

And people being like, oh, you're acting really bipolar. Like, that's the same thing. And I hope that, like, one day I can try to, you know. We've lost the severity of what they mean. Yeah. Yeah. People are using them so. So flippantly.

And it's a joke. And it's like, okay, some things are a joke, but like people are dying and killing themselves and ending up in psychords over these things that are used as an adjective, which is like, when you deep up, it's kind of crazy. But OCD is the way that your brain is functioning. And it's not about a particular. And people keep saying like, this girl had a pedophilic disorder. It's like, no. It was a theme within my OCD. like and my brain will forever function this way and it might switch between different spirals now I'm okay and like I have the thoughts like I said before but they don't really bother me and they can sometimes they do and they get stuck more than others but most of the time I just go oh that was weird or that was gross move on but those can look really different and they're not a specific thing and I also don't want this to get labeled as like OCD is now having thoughts being a paedophile like that's a subsection within it like

And people, a lot of people struggle with harm the most and that's their biggest thing. And it's whatever has meant the most to you or whatever part of your life that is stuck. But it's still the overriding brain process that people need to understand. And it's obsessions and compulsions over intrusive thoughts. It's not doing things to be clean or to do something in a certain order. Like it's so much more than that. So, yeah. Wow.

Well, thank you so much for coming on. and enlightening us and our audience. Yeah. Before we go, is there anything that you haven't spoken about that you'd like to? I don't think so. I think just kind of like if anyone's listening, like it does change. Like I thought seven years ago, I thought I'd probably sadly pass away or be somewhere really quite bad and I'm sat here with these lovely people talking about it.

So like it does change and, you know, people aren't going to think you're mental, or people are going to support you and understand you. And I'm going to carry out on the conversation. And it's going to change. So, yeah. Well, we can't thank you enough for being so open and brave. Please get up for Molly, everyone. Thanks, guys.

And lastly, before we go, your socials, if anyone's listening, where can they find you? Yes, TikTok is MoLambert. And my podcast is intrusive. Sorry, guys. No, you can. And my Instagram is Molly, C.B. Lambert, but that's not as used. but TED Talk and the podcast. Amazing.

Thank you guys. Once again for money, everyone. Oh my gosh.