Tea at Four - The rise of erotic fiction, why we love fairy porn and which town is the horniest?

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

In this episode, Billy and Christie are joined by Rosie, our Tea At Four founding father. We start off with Celebri-TEA, gossiping about Justin Bieber, JoJo Siwa’s big brother debut and that disturbing Piper Rockelle documentary.ALSO, Rosie and Billy, being huge fans of ACOTAR, dive into why fairy porn is so addictive and the fact that erotic audiobooks are the way forward. Christie gets nostalgic over old-school fan fiction from her Bebo days. With some stats to back us, we find out which town in the UK is the spiciest (who listens to the most erotic fiction) and which generation are loving the spice the most…Let us know which books are your fav in the comments, and if you have any submissions or dilemmas please send them into [e-mail]

Without thinking twice, I climbed on top of his buff body with my bumper in the air. Hey guys, welcome back to T4. I'm Billy. I'm Kristy. And Lauren isn't going to be with us for a couple of weeks. So today we're joined by Founding Father, Rosie Day. Oh gee! Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie.

And welcome back to the podcast where we talk all things that normally stay in the group chat. Purr. Purr. Purr. How are you feeling my darling? I feel great.

I was gonna say it's my debut, but it's not. It's my second debut. What do you call that? Second do? A dooblay? A dooblay. It's my dooblay. Well, it's lovely to have it. We've never done one together though. Oh my god, we have not.

This is our first one together. Really? Yeah. Oh. Months of storyboarding together. No, no, guys, no, we have. I'm pretty sure there's been a time when it was all four of us. Billy was still on his hiatus.

Oh. I'm on my honeymoon. Yeah, honeymoon. Fair. Okay, well, we've done some new segments since then, and I thought we could play a little game of celebrity. Oh, honeymoon. Okay, well we've done some new segments since then and I thought we could play a little game of celebrity. Oh please, I've been desperate to play this. Don't mind if I do.

TikTok star blank enters the big brother house. TikTok star blank enters the- I think it's a name we're looking for, isn't it? Well, yeah. Do you know it? Well, what else would it be? Jojo Siwa. It is!

Yay! My girl. I thought she was a Snapchat star. She's not TikTok star. She's both. She's huge on TikTok. Yeah, she put some respect on her name. She is a dancer, a social media star.

An entrepreneur. An entrepreneur. I actually love her. You love her back. I know she gets a lot of hate, but I actually, I've been there since day dot. Dance Moms days. Yeah.

My mastermind subject is Dance Moms. So I've been with her since she was a- You're Roman Empire. I was gonna say Charlotte sounds so weird, but she's my, not just her, but all of the Dance Moms cast. I could go on it for days, but I will love her.

I will stand by her. I think Rosie was the one that introduced me to Jojo Siwa's song. I don't remember the song. Karma? Yeah. That was your most listened to song on Spotify. Yeah, it was at that time, wasn't it?

It was not my most listened to song. It was in my top five. No, no, no, it was my, it was, it just missed my top five. It was number six. Number six, crazy. How does it go again? It's a banger.

It goes very catchy. I'm a bitch, I should've known better. That is wild. Her going into Celebrity Big Brother House, I actually think is quite a good career move for her because everyone thinks she's this super hyperactive character, but I think she's probably gonna be very normal. Yeah, I think she went on that,

was it like SAS Who Does When? Or like the American version of that. And everyone was like, oh, I actually feel really sorry for her. And actually she's got this vulnerable side. And I'm like, yeah, because I think her whole persona is like an act. She said that I think multiple times that her crazy thing, it's like all a character. The alter ego maybe.

Yeah. Interesting. I think she might win. She knows what she's doing. You reckon? I think, oh, I'd love it if she did. Do you know how much she's getting paid to go on the show?

How much? 400,000 pounds. Oh, it's actually not as much as I thought. But she's the second most paid star on this year's series. So wait, who's number one? Some American guy. Chesney, what's that? No, he's the second lowest, Chesney Hawks.

I don't even know who that is. He has one song, doesn't he? Chesney? He's like from the 80s. Okay, I don't know what that one is. I don't, yeah't he? Chesney. He's like from the eighties. Okay, I don't know who that one is. I don't, yeah. Wait, Chesney Hawks? Chesney Hawks.

Who is that? Can somebody show me your picture? Who Chesney Hawks is? I'm imagining someone ginger. I don't know why. It sounds like a ginger. It sounds like a ginger name. Ginger name?

Chesney. Chestnut. Oh, maybe that's why. I don't know. What does he sing, Rosie? One of the twins from Harry Potter. He's the twin from Harry Potter. It looks like that.

Chesney Hawks. Sings the one and only. I am the one and only. Chesney Hawks. Nobody I'd rather be. Okay, he's a legend and he's the lowest paid. He's the second lowest paid apparently amongst all of them. What about Bianca?

She's around. Oh, Patsy. 100,000. Okay. But someone has been paid around a million. Who? I can't remember his name. Apparently he's a Hollywood actor. Oh, here we go. But never heard of him. Anyway, moving on. Moving on. Some more spicy tea. Let's go.

I'm so glad I got to talk about my Joj. It's that you picked the right one. Literally. Fell right into your hands. Yeah. Okay. Harry Styles given go ahead to build 30 million blank blank, but there's a catch. Theme park? Oh my God, Harry Styles theme park, like Dollywood.

That would be amazing. I don't know why. Harry Styles given. 30 million, what is he gonna build? Wait, read that again. Harry Styles given go ahead to build 30 million blank blank, but there's a catch. London house.

Mega mansion. London mansion. Hampstead mansion. Hampstead mansion. What's the catch there? So the catch is that he has to make it like a haven for the nature around. Oh, I love that.

Oh yeah. It's quite gorgeous actually. That's really pretty. He's got to build like hedgehog boxes and things if he's gonna be So Georgia the jungle basically type vibes treehouse Every time I'm in Hampstead, I do keep my out for him Of course I may or may not have stopped his house on Google Maps once Google it when he said that he was selling it.

I imagined myself living there with him. And now Ariana's got her song about Hampstead, I feel like it's the place to be for the international celebs. Hampstead is where all the celebs go. Question, Hampstead as in Hampstead Heath? Yeah. Not two, is there? Is there just one? No, it is that area.

Hampstead Heath is just like the park. Yeah, it's the park, but I feel like that's where the area is. That's the name of the... Yeah, the area is Hampstead. Tube stop, isn't it? Hampstead Heath? Yeah, because the Heath is the hill, I think.

This is Londoners that don't know where Hampstead Heath is. Right. Sorry. Cool. Your turn. Take some tea. I hope I don't have the gross one. Oh, sorry.

Justin Bieber accused of shading ex blank following her engagement to blank. Who's his ex? Selena Gomez. Christine. And Benny Blanco. Well, not his ex. She's now engaged to Benny Blanco.

She did forfeits. Whatever you don't know. You have to do a shot. A pound in the, I don't know, the celebrity jar. Yeah. Yeah, or a shot of tea covered in like hot sauce. Do you know, I only just, I found out yesterday from my Canadian friend that Justin Bieber

was actually Canadian, I didn't know. Yeah. Why is everybody laughing? I didn't know, did you guys know? You had to find that out from your Canadian friend specifically. Yeah, cause I was like, you're from Canada. Who else is from Canada?

That must have been a long fucking conversation. Isn't Drake from Canada? Yeah. Celine Canada? Yeah. Celine Dion? Yeah. Avril Lavigne? I didn't know that. I feel like you can tell when,

just have a tablet. I feel like you can tell when a celebrity is Canadian over American. How? They've just got a certain flair about them that's better. Slightly kinder. Not better, but like more British.

I feel like Canadians and Brits have more of a similar vibe. I disagree big time. Really? Yeah, no way. When I'm on TikTok and I see a Canadian TikTokker and they say like, oh, and I'm like, oh, they're Canadian, it makes sense, by their demeanor.

Yeah. Because they're like a bit more cool. I don't know. But do you know what I mean? Like, I just can. Oh my God. I cannot tell you the difference between Canadian and American.

They say that oh is like, oh, up. Is that a French accent? Oh, I'm going to go to the snore. That was Irish. And they do it in the Northern American States as well, like Minnesota. Minnesota? Minnesota. It's a thing, I'm sure it's a thing.

Have I just made that up? I think so. I have no idea. I feel like if an American does an accent of an impersonation of a Canadian person, they do do that accent you're talking about. The o. Yeah.

O. I didn't say your word on that. O. Anyway, nothing about Canadians, back to the headline. Yeah. So his ex is Selena Gomez. Yeah.

And she's married to who? She's engaged to Benny Blanco. Benny Blanco. Do you know? Okay. No, nevermind. I actually don't know who he is either. I'm not gonna say that. I thought it was a, nevermind.

Benny Blanco is a music producer who is actually responsible for some of the biggest songs. Is he Hispanic? That's Bad Bunny. That was Bad Bunny. But that's another headline I saw that someone also confused him with Bad Bunny. And he was like, oh, I was gonna say.

It's the BB. It's the BB. But he was like, oh, I'll take it. Bad Bunny's hot. Yeah, I don't know a lot about Benny Blanco, but he seems like a standup guy. Yeah. Do you know what I mean?

Of everything I've seen, she seems pretty happy with him. She does. I mean, I think this is mainly because of like that TikTok song. What TikTok song? So a creator made a parody song from the perspective of Justin. Yeah.

It's like, Hey yo Benny, if I was with Selena, I would have been with her. Hey yo Benny. People have no humility on TikTok, do they? No. And like, it's like 22 million followers, like views, and then she's done like other remixes and then then DJs have been like creating one of it, and it's all about,

because I think Justin's been going on this downward spiral of, if you look at his live streams and the things he's been posting on Instagram stories, he's kind of going through a bit of a breakdown by the looks of things, and fans are really worried about him, and it's all kind of stemmed from the beginning of this year,

since the engagement, I think. Yeah, I do feel for him, especially with all the stuff that's come out about him recently. Well, his childhood was just so messed up, wasn't it? That's true. He was, I've seen all the clips of him being like, I'm gonna say harassed, cause he basically was,

but when there's reporters touching him weird and someone kissed him, I think like. Like at award shows. Yeah. And just like in, yeah, loads of interviews and stuff and on the street, like, cause he was a child, people would basically just like throwing him around and like, it's crazy to watch back actually.

So no wonder I always. That's so true. Do you know what it's reminded me of, but maybe, maybe just two different people. Who's the guy that played. Here we go. Get the jar out. This there's two different people. Who's the guy that played, here we go. Get the jar out. This thing's like a theme tune, so like.

Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do. All right. Home and away, home and away, no, home alone. Oh. Macaulay Culkin. Yeah, I don't know why, but I feel like it's given the downward spiral that is. Yeah, it's so true.

Do you know what I mean? I see how I can kind of like, it's kind of similar. The parallels. Not to that extent, but the parallels, that's the word, English, not my first language guys, sorry. I totally agree. And Macaulay did come back out of his moment, thanks to Brenda.

Brenda's song. Brenda's song, Disney star. And so hopefully Justin has his moment of return. You know who I'm praying for big time? Amanda Bynes. Oh yeah. That would be the day that she comes back into her own. I will be there on the front line cheering her on.

I really hope so. I hope so, but yeah, I don't know if she will. I freaking love her. I'm not gonna say loved, I'm gonna say love because you still need to love. Is that a Disney star? Nickelodeon. What did I say?

Do you know how hard it is to play celebrity with someone who doesn't know any celebrities? You must have seen She's the Man. And the Amanda Bynes Show, Hairspray. You haven't seen She's the Man? What's that Snow White film that she's in? Oh, what's that quote, She's the Man? Do a quote from She's the Man? What's that Snow White film she's in? Oh, what's that quote? She's the Man? Do you have a quote from She's the Man? Because you're ugly.

I see you for who you truly are. Which is ugly. We're done. Moving on. Last one. Go on, Rosie. Alright. Mother accused of telling her young child to send blank to old men. Selfies.

I hope it's something, I hope this is like a trick. I think this is related to that Netflix show that's coming out about. Piper, Raquel. Yeah, Piper, Raquel. OMG, yeah. There's a quote in that and if I'm right, it's knickers.

Yeah. You're kidding me. I'm gonna watch that tonight. The online. Oh. Oh. No, it's out tonight. Oh no, oh no, oh no.

No, I mean, I'm gonna watch it. I'm just interested in it. Yeah. That's crazy. I'm gonna have to watch things that I'm interested in. Wait, what celebrity is that? What celebrity? Piper Frickelle was a YouTuber. Yeah. I think like back in Wait, what celebrity is that? What's a celebrity? Piper Frikel was a YouTuber, I think back in 2020.

She still is, I think. I think she's like, I only know, because there's a girl on Dance Moms who's friends with her. So they're like 18, I think, or 19, but I think she started on YouTube when she was 12. And her mom, okay, I don't know if I'm gonna get this wrong, but her mom, I think, was her manager. And then her mom had like this weird friend,

her friends used to come over to their house and her mom would be like filming them and like. She'd have basically this like social media squad. It was called a squad and then loads of like similar content creators of the same age would come over. They would do content together. But things would then get really weird. And I think there's a lot

of accusations on the mother and the clip that I saw this morning was that there's a young girl who was within the squad and she was helping the mother take these packages and deliver them and she pulled out some underwear and she claimed that the mum had said she's like like, Oh, what are you doing with those? And the mum had apparently said, Oh, old men like to sniff them. What I'm told to send them to them. And like they were her daughter's underwear that she was sending. And then the girl says this on the Netflix show. What is it called?

It's called the dark side of kid fluences or something, I think. Something like that, yeah. Bad Influence, The Dark Side of Kidfluences. Bad Influence, The Dark Side. Bad Influence. The Dark Side of Kidfluences, yeah. Yes, Bad Influence, The Dark Side of Kidfluences. But she, yeah, so she, I think also when Piper was like

younger, like 12, 13, she would post like bikini pictures and stuff on her Instagram, like dancing and stuff. And that just does not sit right with me. And I know that people will be like, 12, 13, she would post like bikini pictures and stuff on her Instagram, like dancing and stuff. And that just does not sit right with me. And I know that people will be like, oh, she's in a swimsuit, it's fine, but it's really not fine in any way.

I'm just like weird. And then if her mom's like encouraging that. So fucking fucked up. And it's just pure exploitation, isn't it? Absolutely. And I don't know if, sorry, I keep quiet. I think there was a point where Piper like didn't talk to her mom for a bit, but I'm not sure. I don't know, but I am, I keep quiet. I think there was a point where Piper didn't talk to her mum for a bit. I'm not sure, I don't know.

But I'm intrigued by that. I'm gonna watch it tonight. Very dark and just disgusting. It goes back to all those influencer topics. So it's like, you know how they say people are moving to Tennessee now because they don't wanna pay their kids. Like people have been saying like the Lebrant fam

who are like massive TikTok family, they moved to Tennessee and I think a few others have and everyone's saying it's because they don't want to pay their children for being in the content because you've got to pay 60% now to your kids if they're in it more than 60% of the time or something. Lawrence had made a really good point last time we talked about this is that we actually think that

you shouldn't be able to monetize off of content that has children in it. Yeah, I agree. Yeah, 100, because if you think about it as well, like, let's say for instance, your kids go to school, you're kind of like, you know, make publicizing where they educate, where they live, where you guys are living.

It's a lot. So much. It's actually a lot. Also, at the age of 12, you don't really understand how things work in the world. Yeah. You're a kid. So being put out there by your parent, who's not giving you a choice, really, to consent to being seen by millions of people is fucked up.

Yeah, I'm definitely going to watch that tonight. I'm really intrigued by that whole concept. Yeah. I haven't watched anything in ages. What have you been doing recently then? I've been reading. Okay. But I'm stuck on this book at the moment, part of this series called A Court of Thorn and Roses,

which we've been talking about. Wait, is this the book that you brought in to work one day and you're like nearly done? Yeah. How the heck? This is the one that I recommended to you. Okay, book club going on here. Well, yeah.

But I can't get past the last book and it's all of a sudden got really spicy. That's the best book. IMO't get past the last book and it's all of a sudden got really that's the best book I see I am oh What's the book about? Um at the moment? It's just about fucking Wow Do you not hate describing what the books about people yeah Okay, this is how I describe it. It's a book about sexy fairies About sexy fairies and these're like these sexy fairy men and women. And they're basically like trying to save the world, but then they're just having sex like all the time in between.

They're just having sex in between. Yeah. Question. How does this, like, how does the cover look like? Orange. Oh no, it's red. Red. The one I'm on is orange. Oh, I don't know. I audio book it. I actually don't know what any of the covers look like? Orange. Oh no, it's red. Red, the one I'm on is orange. Oh, I don't know, I audio book it, I actually don't know what any of the covers look like. It's orange. So you go, the first book's red, second book is teal,

third book is purple, the fourth book is blue, and the last book is orange. Silver, I thought. Does it not have like any graphics on it? It's got like a little dragon on one of them. Yeah, like a little like, because the covers are shite, I'm not gonna lie. They are really badly designed

and I wish they'd done a better job on them. But then again. What were you gonna have with them, half naked fairy men? Yeah. The truth is, I feel like there's this rise on like spicy erotic fiction, right? Smut. But I feel like they're smart because by the covers,

you wouldn't think that it is. No, secret smut. Right, so you guys could be sitting on your commute, on the train, giggling and getting fanny flutters or whatever, and you guys are reading erotic fiction. Yeah. Someone's getting hard set. That is exactly what I'm saying.

I've seen so many people on achieve reading it. I'm just like. Oh, you saw? I saw someone this morning. Did you? Yeah, I was getting off the train and she was reading the book I'm on and I was like. Okay, so it's a if you know, you know type vibe

type of thing. Yeah, viral. But people are getting over it now because they're doing audio books. That's me, I'm doing audio books. I can't read, but I'm an adult. I'm a 30 year old adult, like plus two year old adult. 29.

29 last year. Yeah, and I haven't got time to read. So I audio book it and I get through that like a, I've got through the whole of Akita and all of Throne of Glass since October because I'm listening to it. So if I'm on a little jog, if I'm walking the dog, if I'm cleaning, I have it on.

So do not interrupt you if you've got headphones in because you're listening to smut. Very smut. So I was reading something this morning and it said, according to Spotify UK, since Valentine's Day this year, spicy audio books have increased by 100%. 100%, 100%. 100%. 100%, so it's like doubled.

You naughty, naughty listener. There's a lot of lonely people out there. It's because of TikTok as well, like that's the only reason why I started reading again. I'm not gonna lie, I haven't read really properly since I was a teenager. Yeah, because I used to read like Louise Renison books, like Angus Thongs and like Jacqueline Wilson

and whatever before that. But when you get to a teenager, I just stopped reading and haven't read since maybe read like the Hunger Games. When it's like- She can't read. I'm such a sheep when it comes to reading, I just do what everyone else is doing. But now that I've seen it on TikTok

and I can like save things, I just started reading Akita because it was literally all over my algorithm. Yeah, so I've started reading again, but for fiction for the first time since I was a teenager, because everything in between was like self-help books and like non-fiction stuff. And now I'm back into fiction and I love it.

I'm really escaping into the world, let's say. It is fun. It is fun. And apparently you can get audio books now that are called graphic audio books and they like play out the sex scenes with actors. What? Yeah.

So you'll have like, like the ones I listened to, they're just like one woman. So it's just porn without the visuals. Yeah. So you could be on the tube and someone's listening to a graphic audio book and they're literally playing a porn sex scene of sexy fairies having sex in their ears.

Like sound effects and everything. Yeah. I don't know if it's sound effects. I've seen a few clips on TikTok and it's like. The sound design must be crazy. A bit of foley in there. You're doing the foley sound on that like. Some slime. Their wings flatter.

That's the thing when they touch their wings, it's like an orgasm apparently. Yeah, okay. I think I'm on the wrong podcast. Okay, can you, I do have some other fun facts about some spicy audio listeners. Yeah. What town do you think is the spiciest town in the UK?

What, just in general or? No, I'll give you some options. Okay. So who listens to the most erotic audio books according to Spotify UK? Okay. We've got Harlow. Right, right.

Just two. Which producer Bobby's from? Stevenage, London, Barnsley or Lincoln. I'm gonna say Stevenage. Not much goes on down there, so probably Stevenage. Emanage. I mean, surely it's London cause it's the biggest or we're not doing it like that. I can tell you I think it's Stevenage one. Spotify revealed that the

residents of Stevenage... I knew it I told you nothing much goes on there. They need something to do. ...that anyone else in the UK closely followed by Barnsley and Lincoln. They need to get some lives over there clearly. Bless bless them. Yeah I don't know what's going on. Hope you guys are well. Hope you guys are doing well. Maybe because that romance is dead people don't go out much in Stevenage. There's not much going on there. Yeah. You've really got it in for Stevenage. He's full of losers who are lonely and single. Maybe because the tour guide lives in Stevenage but um. lonely and single. Maybe because the tour guide lives in Stevenage, but... Oh, you're a...

The tour guide lives in Stevenage! He's making up for 50% of those audio pieces. I don't even know where Stevenage is on the map. I think... I keep thinking it's Stonehenge. No, it's actually in Hertfordshire. Lewis Hamilton's from Stevenage. Right, that doesn't help.

20-minute drive from where my mum lives. Countryside, it's the countryside. It's the countryside? There's a direct It's the countryside. It's the countryside. There's a direct correlation with the countryside. Yeah, I guess. And a couple of people from work come from Stevenage. We won't name them. Let's see if they've read Akita.

And the shops close at 7 PM, so I'm guessing, you know. Right. They need to. The one time you've been to Stevenage. That's what's stuck out. That's the only bit of information that's stuck out on a trip to Stevenage. Wow, it really is boring there.

Yeah, so maybe that's, yeah. Maybe they're enjoying some erotic. They obviously are, yeah, I love it for them. Have you ever listened to any Christy? Sure is, I actually don't listen to any audio books. They're into graphic porn audio books. No, I think the only, for me, erotic fiction would be 50 Shades.

Oh my God, 50 Shades, yeah. That's the only thing. I've never seen it ever been there. It's one of the worst written books I've ever read in my life. It's like grammatically incorrect multiple times and she like repeats the same, no offense, well yeah offense, the same word is like repeated multiple times in like the same sentence. I'm gonna cry. I could do a better job. So that's something like there's something about the way that like especially in fantasy books when it gets a bit erotic the phrasing really like oh I love it

some sentences where it's like I was wet as the dungeon I was wet but a dungeon is meant to be cold so how does that like can't read it. They use certain words for like things that are like old, cause it's just set in the old and well it's a fake world, but it's like set in like Game of Thrones times. Do you know what I mean? Like fantasy old world. So they'll be like, Go on, go on. They'll call like the vagina, the sex.

Like, oh, I saw her sex wide open. Oh, or like the other ones are kind of like he opened me and yeah he entered me yeah and it's like a lot of thrusting and a lot of because they're fairies they've got like super powers they could just keep going although there's a scene where he comes too quickly oh yeah Cassian bless him my babe spoiler alert for those that are actually still reading or listening. There might be a few spoilers. This book is the first time

they've actually said the word cock. Yeah, sometimes I'll say the odd cock or the odd fuck. But like on the first four books, she didn't write the word cock. No, what was it? It was just like the length of him. The length of him. The length of him, yeah.

The length of him entered me. Yeah. Oh my gosh. Do you know what I think, the way it does, there's room for personal imagination. Yeah. Because I feel like you guys are really thinking, the length, how long, do you know what I mean? Do you know what I mean? Sorry. The sheer length of him.

Or like the meat. Oh my gosh. Or like the, maybe like rod is used sometimes. Have you seen those, no wonder people are, the rod. The rod. The rod. The rod. The rod.

The rod. The rod. The rod. The rod. The rod. The rod. The rod. The rod. The your panting boots. Or like the meat or like- Oh my gosh. Have they maybe like rod is used sometimes? Have you seen those-

No wonder people are enjoying it. I don't know if rod. Not rod. So why do you- So as an audio book spicy listener, how does that differ for you? Do you think like why are more people now listening to the audio books?

And do you think you have an audio book listening face? Oh yeah, my poker face is, because obviously I do catch myself in moments where it's, no, no, no, no, wait. But if you're looking. Let me land, let me land. Because sometimes you're just like, yeah, like you're walking past like people in the street

and you're, they're just like, the sheer length of him, I climax for my family, like, and you're it. I'm like, well have you seen those TikToks? And it's like people taking the piss out of you. I can tell you, she's like, he keeps buying me all these amazing dresses, but I don't want to wear them

because I refuse to be that kind of woman. And then it's like, I was looking at him and no, I shouldn't look at him. And then the end is like, oh, my climax from my family. It's just all these same things that happen for books. And then everyone's throats bobbing all the time. Oh, my God. The bit I just read, face fucks her. I don't remember that bit.

Maybe I need to reread it. At the dinner table. And it's like, huh? Oh, when he walks in? Asriel walks in at the end of it. Spoiler alert. There's almost a threesome. A fairy threesome.

My friend has read one where she got Eiffel Tower'd by two fairies. What? Do you want to send me the name to that one? Take a look. Eiffel Tower. What's Eiffel Tower? Two guys. One girl.

One girl. That makes like an A. That's the fifth book. That's the book you're on. That happens in the fifth book? I think it's in a dream, but yeah, if I'm pretty sure. Maybe not, I don't know. Interesting. There is a 69 scene. Do you know what's so crazy here is, I don't, well, my first erotic fiction

would be Keisha the Skept. Pardon? Yeah, so that was basically a story that a 13 year old British girl wrote on, I think it was Bebo MySpace back in the days. And that was very graphic in regards to like the wording was very like raw. And I'm going to need an extract from this. I'm going to read it for you guys.

It's just funny how you guys are explaining it because then it's like when I was in school reading this in the back of my English class, I can imagine myself just laughing. So why was you reading erotic fan fiction? By a 13 year old in the back of your... Do you remember me or what? Sorry, the Keisha the Skotic fan fiction by a 13 year old? Sorry, the Keisha the Skit is such a good name. Like it just rolls off the tongue. So I'm gonna read a mixed track. Yeah, the English, it's really like, it's written in slang, so it's completely like, terrible. I'm just gonna transport myself. All right, cool.

So I'm gonna- This is my erotic order. Yeah, can you do it with like the right tone? Okay, all right. The bedroom door opened, it was Ricardo. I looked at him and rolled my eyes. So while going sexy, he was working man's dick just dead, innit? Show me some of that action in my room.

He said, sitting on the bed and started touching my thigh. Maybe tomorrow, innit? I replied, looking into his sexy eyes. He said, our face is getting closer and closer. Did I tell you how damn sexy you be? I just laid my lips on his sexy lips. I just had to, he was too sexy and he was seducing me so slowly,

I just couldn't handle it. We sat there lips in and then we, and then when we stopped, he laid on his back and gave me a sexy look. Without thinking twice I climbed on top of his buff body with my bumper in the air. With my bumper in the air and my lips on his. Kissing him gently pulling and tug pulling my tongue in and out of his mouth. Then I remembered Shanice downstairs. Calling his tongue in and out. I quickly stopped and sat up.

What about Shanice? What about her baby? When me and you are getting it on, she ain't gonna be there. Whose baby? They've got a baby. What? Where's this baby come from? I don't think it's about a fairytale is it? No no

but just look at the spelling and how they wrote everything. It's like they've done a synonym for every other word for like slang. Oh my god, I said our faces getting closer and closer. Did I tell you how damn sexy you be? That needs like translation. Literally. I'm not being funny, but how, Why is it around the typewriter? How white does the sexy fairies now sound? This isn't the opposite of the sexy fairy gate. Let's see if I can find an extra.

What about Shanice? What about her baby being getting hit? Oh my God. Yeah, so that was my intro to- Can you see the skirt? It's a Billy Keaton. That's educational. Yeah. I should play that inon. That's educational. Yeah.

I should play that in school. Right, it's the book now, Stormzy, I think put money behind it and it's published. So if you go on Amazon, you can actually buy it. Stop. That's crazy. Literally. So a 13 year old wrote it.

How old is she now? About 45 this week. I was probably 13 when I was reading it as well. So she's probably like in her 30s now, yeah. I wonder if she's loaded. If you're Keisha the Scare, or author, do you want to get in touch? Yeah, yeah.

Can you please come over? Cause it'll be amazing to like. I love that though. 50 Shades of Grey was fan fiction about Twilight. What? It wasn't. Yeah, it was. She wrote that originally.

But they're not vampires. No, obviously, but she wrote it dreaming about like the Twilight characters. And that's like her fan fiction. I did not know that. So can you tell me which age group listens to Sultry books the most? 18 to 25s, 25 to 34, 35 to 44 or 44 plus?

I think one of the two middle ones. Yeah, I don't think he put the 18, the younger one are too busy on TikTok and doing living my life like it's golden, you know, putting myself first, face values, whatever. So I think it's the middle one are too busy on TikTok and doing, living my life like it's golden, putting myself first, face values, whatever. So I think it's the middle one. I think, yeah, 25 to 34. Yeah.

It is 35 to 44 at 43%. I knew it would be one of those two. And then the close second is 25 to 34 at 27%. Yeah, because apparently women have another sexual awakening at 40. Did you know that? Oh. Apparently you have like another surge of like libido and like sex drive at 40.

I have heard that like men's libido is high when they're younger and a woman's one is actually. Yeah. Yeah, I have heard that before. So it makes sense actually. Oh. There's still time for you. Little fun. That's actually an interesting fact.

So wait, the author of the Fairies and the Fairies. Sexy Fairies and Co. Yeah. Sexy Fairies and Co. Sarah J. Maas. Is she around that age range as well then? Yeah, I think she's 40ish. Yeah.

Okay, nice. I hope I'm right, Sarah. But I think she is 40ish. But there's, yeah, I hope that they make it into a TV show. Yeah, by the way, we're talking about A Court of Thorns and Roses, by the way. It's called Akita way, we're talking about A Court of Thorns and Roses, by the way. It's called Akita for short,

but it's A Court of Thorns and Roses series. There's five books in the series. And like everyone on TikTok, it's like BookTok, I guess, is saying that we need like a movie, we need a film. And I think Hulu were gonna do it, but then they'd just dropped it. Hulu would be shit. We need HBO.

HBO needs to do it. Yeah, we need HBO Game of Thrones level. But then everyone's saying like, because you can go on TikTok and see like, people have made like AI characters and what they might look like. Now that I've seen all of these characters, not a single actor is gonna be able to do anyone justice.

It's gonna be awful. Can you imagine someone playing Reese? Like, no, he needs to be an AI, he needs to be AI. The AI is sexy. It's so good. I went on my favorite search engine. Ask Jeeves. No, Google.

And so I kind of obviously, because when I heard that we're talking about erotic fiction, I was like, let me go see what the definition is, right? A genre that portrays sexual themes sometimes includes elements of satire or social criticism. These types of fiction are frequently banned by the government or religious authorities. So I found it quite interesting that the government

can actually ban. Oh yeah. They would do, wouldn't they? They would like to ban, wouldn't they, everything? So many classic books have been banned throughout history. I think like To Kill a Mockingbird was banned. Really? Really? Yeah. Why?

Like when they first come out, because a lot of books are kind of like, I don't know, if you think about how conservative the past has been, you know, like people aren't as like liberal or forward thinking. That would have been a liberal, but back in the day. Yeah. These kind of forms of literature have always kind of like

been shunned by like conservative people who are traditionalists. Because they're offended by it. Because they're offended by it. They're offended by it. They don't like it. But even still like there are some books that I think get cancelled. I don't know enough about it though. That's crazy. I do kind of get the religious authorities like when it comes to erotic fiction because obviously as a Christian obviously sex or the theme of sex is meant to be in the covenant of marriage.

So then the fact that now it's like, you're listening to or fantasizing about somebody else, I do guess some Christian will probably see it as a sin. It's sin for, it's kind of like cheating mentally, I guess, because you're reading, you're fantasizing about signing out somebody else that's not your partner. So I do get that type of,

that angle where they're going at. Would you not read erotic fiction for that reason? Or just like- I think it, me personally, I don't see anything bad with it. Cause obviously you're allowed to, it's your own personal imagination. I feel like it's the way you interpret it.

So for instance, me saying I wouldn't read erotic fiction, I might as well not watch anything I've watched. I watch EastEnders and there'll be a sex scene there. Oh my God, do you know what I mean? As long as I know how to control my own sexual desires, my emotions when I'm watching these things, then it's fine. But I do feel like that the radical Christian would probably be like, hell no. Well, like a lot of Christians have banned Harry Potter. Have they?

Two of this, I've never watched. Magic and witchcraft. Yeah, my mom was like, you're not watching that one, it's witchcraft. I don't wanna hear it. So every time it comes on during the Christmas period, my sister, obviously she's watched all the Harry Potter, so she's the rebellion one.

She's like, I've got psych. So she puts it on and we'll be like, the witchcraft is happening. And then I'm like, no, it's not that deep. Wait until you hear about the Harry Potter smart fan fiction. Oh, double whammy. Of course, there's so much like, some really, really creepy stuff out there.

Yeah. Draco and Harry. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Draco Talk is another one that I've randomly found myself on one day. Do you feel like you're allowed to, we personally, I feel like, go ahead, watch it. Cause it's just, it's make believe it's not real.

Yeah. So let's say for instance, I will, those that actually literally are in it, just, it's make believe it's not real. So let's say for instance, those that actually literally are in it, like I'm gonna go, it is real then, okay, cool, fair. That's your conflicts with your religion. But me personally, I don't see anything wrong with. Also, if you're single, I feel like it's, I'm gonna guess if your partner has an issue with it. I mean, I still wouldn't.

I've got a long-term partner, I still wriggle up shy. It's not a question though. Yeah, you've got a long-term partner. I still read a lot of shy. But... Question though. Yeah, you've got a long-term partner. So he knows you're sitting there listening to... Oh, I don't know if he knows. The fairies and... Oh, she's probably listening to screen reciters. She doesn't need to know everything.

You're there, you're there getting fatty blood heads and edits. He definitely doesn't. Oh no, he knows I read books about sexy fairies. Because I've mentioned that multiple times in our group chat. But... Oh, you wouldn't give a fuck, you wouldn't give a fuck. That's good then, that's fine. Yeah.

You can't stop a girl from having her hobbies. Listen, if I'm not hurting anyone listening to my thing, then let me, sometimes I look at them and I'm like, why aren't you a sexy fairy? Wait, so what if he was listening to like sexy fairies? Oh, I wouldn't care. Yeah, literally, yeah, I do not care. I love that. I'll hear that. Should we read some out? Yeah. Some extracts, I wouldn't care. Yeah, literally. Yeah, I do not care. I love that.

I'll hear that. Should we read some out? Yeah. Some extracts, some sextracts. Sextracts. Sextracts. Sextracts. I've made up a new word.

Sextracts, yeah. Go on, congratulations. I'm a little Alexandra Burke when she thought she invented elephant in the room. Let's do that. Elephant in the room, ok.com. Yeah. Bless her heart.

For this next part, we are gonna listen to some saucy extracts whilst playing Don't Spill the Tea. But I'm having to read them out. But producer Bobby is reluctantly... Reluctantly reading them out. I would like the graphic porn audio version please Bobby. Put your effort into it.

Maybe we can edit your voice so it sounds... We can put some sound effects in behind. We'll put some slime sound effects in the background. Let's get sipping guys, cheers. Cheers. Okay. Never again, he promised as he pulled out and then thrust back in with excruciating slowness.

What book do you think that's from? I don't remember, that sounds a bit rapey. Yeah. Excruciating Snow. No. No. 50 Shades? Never again, that's excruciating snow.

That sounds dodgy to me. That sounds horrendous. Maybe it was, yeah, I don't think that's Akita. I've re-sanded with Never. No, no, no. I wouldn't know. I think, yeah, 50 Shades. 50 Shades of Grey.

Because that's a bit kinky, innit? I don't know enough erotic books to... No, it was a court of wings in ruin. I'm gonna need a name in the fair if he did that. Oh, it's When They First Have Sex, It Is Painful. Tamlin, tampon. When They First Have Sex, It's Painful. He says my darling, Faye, within that. Oh, maybe have sex it's painful. He says my darling Faye within that.

Oh, maybe it was Rusev. I think it was Rusev because he was so big and strong. He split her open. Oh, right. Oh God. I'm gonna have to read all these books again. I am unfortunately gonna have to read them all again. He was so big and strong.

Never again, sorry I'm too big for you. I split you in half. When I was a teenager, I really wanted to read 50 Shades of Grey, but I was too big for you. I'll split you in half. When I was a teenager, I really wanted to read 50 Shades of Grey, but I was too embarrassed to get it because I felt like my mom and dad would be like, what are you doing? So I bought it for my mom for her birthday.

But she never read it and knew she wouldn't. So I would just keep it on their bookshelf but like get it out and read it. So fucking funny, Bobby. That's insane, bless you. Are we going in? Yep. Let's see what names you call me

when my head is between your legs. I'm gonna get some weird messages after this. If I get my hands on you, really, honestly, get my hands on you, I don't know if I'll be able to stop. It is all a bit rapey. Oh, gosh. Is that a rule from a real book? That's tampon.

Tampon. Yeah, tampon. There's a character called Tamlin who everyone hates. I think that's from Court of the Golden Roses. Yeah. The last one? Yeah. No. It's from Fourth Wing. Oh of Roses. Yeah, the last one? Yeah. No.

Oh. It's from Fourth Wing. Oh, I haven't read that one yet, Bobby. I've actually, oh you wanna read. Okay. Okay. Stop being so honorable and fuck me. Oh, my God. The Honorable really threw me off.

What's wrong with these fairies? These other sexy fairies that I know. Don't be so honorable. Stop being so honorable. Fuck me. I'm going to use These are the sexy fairies that I know. Don't be so... Stop being so... Fuck me. Oh, I just slashed a finger on my face. I wasn't expecting that word. Oh shit. Why is that word so...

Who decides to write that in a book? Stop being so honorable. When you're being an author and you're writing with a pen. Yeah. Why would you think, do you know what? Honorable, yeah. I'm gonna go for that one. Is that actually real? Well, you decide. Oh,orable, yeah, I'm gonna go for that one. Is that actually real?

Well, you decide. Oh, we've got to decide which one's a fake one. I haven't read them all yet. Oh, sorry. Do you wanna tell me what one, if that's real or fake? I think that one's fake. I think that one's fake. I think it's for that reason.

Should we just guess if they're real or fake? If you think it's fake, then yeah. It's not. It's not. What's it from? Fourth wing again. Fourth wing. I'm excited for that one. Maybe's it from? Fourth wing again. Fourth wing. I'm excited for that.

Maybe I'll get through this book and start fourth wing. We'll skip the one after this. Is that about dragon riders? Yeah, I think one of them, there's a part one of them book talkers is like, if you like, if this is not sexy enough, go for this one. If this is too sexy, go back to this one. Do you like dragons?

Do this one. Do you like vampires? Do this one. So I've got it saved into my TikTok thing. I've got like 7,000 books that I'm gonna read. I don't'm gonna read. Wow, audio-ledo. I'll listen to it. His throbbing length found my open warmth. This is so cringy. I think I've heard that somewhere before.

That sounds like an Akita. I love the word, the word throbbing is a good word in it. Throbbing and length, the length. Throbbing length found my, yeah, that does sound like an Akita. Like they'll say things like open warmth and like. Yeah, inside me sound like an acotar. They'll say things like open warmth and like. Yeah, inside me. My inner garden. They didn't say that.

But they use anything but the word vagina. Vagina. Or penis. Who, what was that from? That was the fake one. Oh! Oh, that was the fake one. Oh, we should have known, that was too similar

to what we were doing. Throbbing. Probably she wouldn't have used throbbing, but I like it, I like the word throbbing. I wrote that. Not even a chat GPT. Next we've got Sarah J. Mass over here. That's why I was sat there earlier like I can't believe I'm doing this. I was thinking, this one must be very hefty. Bobby, you didn't order yet but.

Go fund me for Bobby so she can launch her career. I was thinking, I was thinking, raw, this one must be very hefty. Bobby, you didn't order yet but... I'm going to go fund me for Bobby so she can produce her career. Oh my god. Oh, but it warms. It warms. It warms. It warms. Oh, my god.

I think I'm going to get you the same amount. Oh, my god. Okay. I pull him deeper into my mouth so I can feel him at the back of my throat and then to the front again, my tongue swells around. Hmm? What? So descriptive.

That's the chapter I'm on at the moment. Is it? Sounds like she's got an allergy to him. What's the last book called? Um, Silver Flames. Silver Flames. Court of Silver Flames. No.

No. Fourth one. Not our Nestor. It's 50 Shades of Grey. She's allergic Court of silver flames. No. No. It's not our Nestor. It's 50 Shades of Grey. Oh. Huh? She's allergic to his. Oh my gosh. Who's tongue's swallowing around someone with dyke?

Dyke dick. Dyke. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Wait, could, no, parts of the show, Netflix show you be erotic fiction? I think that's about stalkering. Stalking, stalkering, stalking.

Yeah, but like the way he speaks in there, like maybe not the last one, maybe the second one. I feel like you could take some extracts of that and it could be an erotic fiction if you just add a bit of the erotic flair. Yeah, he's been creepy. Nice to know what you're into, Christine. Erotic fiction with a slice of murder and stalk?

The unleashed pounding of him inside my body, the unrelenting thrust and filling and slap of skin on skin. Slap of skin on skin. Skin on skin. Oh, they want some more. I haven't got any more. I'm sorry, I just feel like I wouldn't have the perfect poker face listening to that

or reading that on the bus or coming into like German. Would you be like? I get really shy. I'm under here and then I'll like make sure that no one's reading my page. And sometimes if it's too filthy, I won't read it in public. Well guys, this is the best thing about audio books

is you don't need to, no one can hear you. Yeah, but then you're there just laughing and giggling at yourself. Yeah. I just can't, okay. I think we're gonna have to podcast anyway. You know. Yeah.

I'm sure all our listeners do that today. Do you know what, give it a go. Yeah. I'm gonna try the audio pornographic version next. Oh. It's not called the pornographic version, it's called the graphic audio version. I don't know why I keep saying pornographic. But yeah, I'm gonna give the audio pornographic version next. It's not called the pornographic version, it's called the graphic audio version. I don't know why I keep saying pornographic,

but yeah, I'm gonna give that a go. But I think I really will cringe myself out with that one. Oh wow. It's not something that you wanna be on more good. Can you imagine the worst scenario ever, right? Let's say you're at work and you wanna do a presentation and then you're, just, just, just, do you think you're going with this?

Your Spotify starts playing out loud and then everyone in the offices are like. No, you connect to the office speaker. Oh my. The office music on. Stop being so honourable, fuck me. You found my open wounds. Oh my days.

On that note. Open wound. Thank you for this thing to today's episode on erotic audio books. Is there anything out there that's smuttier than Akita? Cause if so, you might maybe just drop it in the comments. I might take a look, I might not. Let me know.

Asking for a friend. I live at this address. And also can we do a petition to get Akita on HBO, please? This is a message for HBO. If you're not HBO, keep scrolling. Can you start an Akita series right now, please. This is a message for HBO. If you're not HBO, keep scrolling. Can you start an Akita series right now, please? But whatever actor you get for Risa and you need to AI his face.

Yeah, AI his face. I'm probably his body as well. Yeah, thank you. I mean, they can do it, technically. I think I could probably do it. Oh, God. Go ahead, Nilly. Open casting from your own.

Okay, yeah, thank you. That was nice. Thanks for having me, guys. Oh'm casting from the road. Okay, yeah, thank you. That was nice. Thanks for having me, guys. Oh, thank you for joining us. I loved it. Here's to Rosie and her sexual deviances. Yeah, we'll do an episode on dance moms. Just let me know and I'll be here.

Thank you so much. We'll see you guys in the next episode. Bye. Bye. Cheers. Cheers. next episode. Bye! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!