TED Talks Daily - A second chance for fathers to connect with their kids | Charles C. Daniels, Jr.

Episode Date: June 15, 2024

Fathers have a profound impact on their children's lives, yet an estimated ten million kids in the US see their dads less than once a month. Through his advocacy and mental health center, therapist Charles C. Daniels, Jr. empowers fathers to be more present by providing mentorship and community, so they learn to forgive their own shortcomings and, most importantly, learn how to reconnect with their kids.

TED Audio Collective. You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hu. Scholar and therapist Charles C. Daniels grew up with the support of a stalwart mom. But the figure he was missing, which affected his confidence, was his father.

In his archive talk from 2021, Daniel shares how he used his pain to turn around not only his life, but the lives of countless fathers who have been separated from their kids. Coming up after the break. Support for this show comes from Airbnb. If you know me, you know I love staying in Airbnbs when I travel. They make my family feel most at home when we're away from home. As we settled down at our Airbnb during a recent vacation to Palm Springs, I pictured my own home sitting empty. Wouldn't it be smart and better put to use welcoming a family like mine by hosting it on Airbnb? It feels like the practical thing to do,

and with the extra income, I could save up for renovations to make the space even more inviting for ourselves and for future guests. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at Airbnb.ca slash host. Thank you. as they ask bold questions like, why is Canada lagging in AI adoption, and how to catch up. Don't get left behind. Listen to Disruptors, the innovation era, and stay ahead of the game in this fast-changing world. Follow Disruptors on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform. And now, our TED Talk of the day. Did you know that an estimated 10 million children in the United States see their fathers less than once a month? Research tells us what happens to boys and girls

without dads or stable father figures in their lives. Poverty rates doubled. Emotional and behavioral health issues increased. High school dropout rates increased, as do crime and prison rates. And I was no different. I grew up in Georgia without my father. My mother raised me.

And let me tell you something about my mom. Every day before school, she would look me in the eyes and say to me, you are tall, dark, and handsome. And you can do anything you want in this world if you put your mind to it. But I didn't believe her. I struggled. Behavioral issues. Substance use issues. Suicidal ideation.

I blamed myself for my father being absent. I remember I was in college. In my room, by myself, God, you have to help me use my pain. So I went on a journey to find my father. And what I found was shocking. My father had been experiencing an issue that he needed help in overcoming. He was experiencing his own pain. had been experiencing an issue that he needed help in overcoming. He was experiencing his own pain.

His absence was not my fault, and in a way, not his fault. Then I thought to myself, what if my father would have had a caring group of neighbors to support him? It would have made a difference for the both of us. Now, there's a lot of reasons that keep fathers separated from their children. There are the ones you might think of right away, like estrangement from a mother,

substance use, sickness, and incarceration. But the reasons that don't get talked about enough are the ones that exacerbate the problem. Those are the emotions we don't talk about enough. I'm talking about shame, guilt, and embarrassment. These emotions can cause so much harm beyond the absence.

Ben was a 32-year-old father at an agency that I run called Father's Uplift, where we help fathers love, forgive, and heal. And in doing so, they learn to find the beauty in the pain they've experienced. Now one might ask, how can pain be beautiful? At Fathers Uplift, we believe that pain gives you character, strength and courage. More importantly, there is a mystery on the other side of pain. For the population we work with, that mystery is a father's child. The warm embrace with your child on the other side of the mystery,

that is beauty. Ben spent four years separated from his child due to co-parenting issues, restraining orders, and challenges navigating the family court. But he also experienced shame from not being able to see his daughter daily, guilt because he was absent, and embarrassment because he was unable to spend time with his daughter

on a consistent basis. Now it is imperative to note that as we stand here today, that through prior relationships, men learn to love and hate. Some of us have limited experience with love. Therefore, relationships that emphasize self-love play an essential role in the work we do. Lifelong relationships are integral to our efforts with specific emphasis on an individual's ability to mirror new behavior and connections. Now, while many followers like Ben come to our agency through social service agencies and correctional facilities, many of them come to us through word of mouth.

They come to our clinic and can work one-on-one with a licensed therapist and coach, a team of individuals that provide guidance, advocacy and mentorship. We also offer group therapy. In groups of five to 25 followers or more, they share stories about their children and comfort one another as they work to achieve a common goal.

They hear stories of triumph and struggle and pour into one another whenever there is a need. Together, we ensure that fathers are mentally and emotionally prepared to be in their children's lives. And when that father has achieved his goal, he is invited to come back and be an ambassador and pay it forward. And last but not least, we ensure that mental health providers, universities and institutions

have the tools they need to engage fathers wherever they are throughout the world, through our online and in-person instruction. We work with fathers as long as they need us, or in other words, until they fire us. Now, there's no easy formula here. Every dad is different. Every kid is different. Every story is different. But there are a few things we do every time.

We are loving our fathers and the fatherless back to life. We hug our fathers. We celebrate them on birthdays and holidays with a call to let them know how much we appreciate them. And we assume that they have the power to achieve their goals. We are a consistent source of support for them as they work to process the mistakes they've made in the past. For the last few years, we've served over 10,000 fathers and their families.

We've seen fathers accomplish goals such as gaining shared custody of their children, loving themselves again, and gaining a newfound appreciation for everything they have experienced in their life. All of our fathers enter our doors feeling hopeless. But when they leave, over 90% of them say they have an improved sense of identity

and self-worth. We've helped fathers released from jail and prison return home with their worth, their dignity and their self-respect. And of course, our work just doesn't benefit fathers. It's for the kids, too. A kid blaming himself for something he doesn't understand.

A kid like I was, who struggled, and who didn't understand that fathers are human too. My father's absence inspired me to create a safe haven for fathers nationwide. And truth be told, my father is currently leading a life separated from me as we speak today. Unfortunately, it is not a perfect ending. But it is an important one. It sheds light on the fact that fathers hurt too,

and it is our responsibility to love them back to life whenever the need exists. As I stand on the stage, I can't stop thinking about my seven-year-old son, Clayton, and my one-year-old daughter, Samaya Grace. The other day, I asked Clayton, what kind of father am I? He looked at me and said, um, you have a mustache, long hair, and this is before the haircut, may I add, and even a new computer. I said, OK, this is true, son.

He goes on to say, I love it when you buy me games before hugging me and running back to his room. And to my grace, every time I ask her for a kiss, she puckers up her lips and she runs to kiss me with an enormous smile. That makes my day every time.

When moments like these occur, I understand that I have the privilege to be present unlike many of the fathers that walk through our doors for the first time. Like them, I am far from perfect. Despite my mistakes, my greatest achievement is being Clayton and Samaya's father. Millions of fathers today, regardless of their location, can say the same thing. I must admit, if it had not been for the individuals in my life that reminded me of how valuable I was,

I would not be here today. I'm more than thankful for them that they love me back to life. Fathers that have been absent, regardless of their past mistakes, deserve a lifeline. And if we are deserving, so are the ones who have lost their way. Take a moment with me. 15 seconds. And I'll keep the time. Think about the people who loved you when you lost your way.

Who hugged you when you needed it. Who assumed best intention, who validated you and embraced you even when you felt undeserving. Whoever came to mind, try. Just try and be that to someone else. Thank you. Support for this show comes from Airbnb. If you know me, you know I love staying in Airbnbs when I travel. They make my family feel most at home when we're away from home.

As we settled down at our Airbnb during a recent vacation to Palm Springs, I pictured my own home sitting empty. Wouldn't it be smart and better put to use welcoming a family like mine by hosting it on Airbnb? It feels like the practical thing to do, and with the extra income, I could save up for renovations to make the space even more inviting for ourselves and for future guests. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. And now as a special treat, here's my conversation with Charles after he got off the TED stage recorded on site at the conference. Hey, it's your host, Elise, and I'm here with Charles Daniels now. Charles,

welcome. Thank you for having me. Well, my first question to you is just how you got inspired to start this work in the first place. You talked about kind of your own story, but actually turning it into an organization. What happened there? So it was first a project. I received this fellowship called the Averswitchership Fellowship, $3,000 to go towards an unmet need in the community. And at the time, I was studying social work at Simmons University. So I said, hey, you know, Charles, most of your issues are connected to your father not being there. Why don't you try to figure out what's going on? So I took my project. I started meeting with these dads in a sober home who were separated from their kids on a weekly basis. And I heard how much they loved their kids, although they

were absent. But they needed support. They needed resources. They needed guidance. They felt so much shame from not being there. So I thought, wow, what if we had an organization to support these guys? So it morphed into that. I thought about my own father. What if he had an organization to support him? And it turned into what it is today through those experiences. That's fantastic. You have now, through your organization, worked with thousands of fathers who have been separated from their children one way or another through the court system or through moveaways, other kinds of circumstances. What kind of commonalities have you seen in these dads? You know, the assumption is that dads who are not physically present, they don't care

about their kids. What we found, the dads who are absent, they're not there, they actually care for their kids more than people think. They just feel as if what I hear from them, that my kids may be better off without me because I can't do what society says I need to do for them. So men, they have an emphasis on providing food, providing shelter if you can't do what society says I need to do for them. So men, they have an emphasis on providing food, providing shelter. If you can't do those things, even providing someone who's present and confident. If you're not confident about who you are as a man, they feel as if they must be absent, right? So having them to kind of rechannel that and really say, okay, I'm valuable despite not being able to do what society says, that's when we come into play. Because I've noticed that poor fathers can be great fathers just like wealthy fathers.

What do you find that these fathers need the most? I think they need to understand that they define what type of father they want to be. A lot of our men are overwhelmed by societal expectations of what they should be. And if they can't meet that, they beat themselves up. So, yeah, they can be whatever type expectations of what they should be. And if they can't meet that, they beat themselves up. So yeah, they can be whatever type of father they want to be. And I think we should help them do that. What has worked? What have you seen that's really worked to help these dads kind of grow emotionally and in supporting their kids, as you talked about? I think mirroring new relationships, meaning, you know, telling them that they are loved, right?

Saying I love you, hugging them, calling them on birthdays and holidays, right? Making sure that they have the verbiage to identify emotions, but also communicate what those emotions are. But more importantly, them understanding that they are not their past mistakes. I think sometimes men, we work with dads who've been separated from their kids for years. That's a lot of time away from your kids. I have kids. If I spend a day, I'm going crazy. Imagine years.

But even that time away doesn't mean that you're horrible and you can never be a father again. So encouraging them to reconnect, to pick up the phone. Have you thought about how hard it is for a man who's been absent to actually pick up the phone and call his kids? That takes a lot of support. Like we have to be in a room with them. OK, it's just a phone. The issue is they're afraid to deal with rejection and they don't know how to entertain rejection or deal with it. So giving them the tools to be able to do that, holding their hand through these difficult processes. That's what they need. They need to be loved. They need to know that they are not their past mistakes. And we try to give them all of that. Yeah. What do you say to these dads who kind of

have internalized that belief that their kids are better off without them? Because you hear that repeatedly. Yeah, absolutely. You know, we ask, were you better off without your father? Oh. Because a lot of our dads who have been absent did not have a father in their lives. Yeah. Right? So it's difficult to be something that you never had. So giving them examples, it's like going to a candy shop.

Okay, you didn't have this. What type of candy do you want, though? What do you enjoy? What type of father do you want to be? Ignore society. Take all that out. What type of father do you want to be? And starting from scratch and reinforcing that definition,

I think that's where the great work takes place with them and their therapists is, okay, we're not thinking about what society thinks, what everybody else thinks. What do you want to be? Do you love your kids? Okay, what kind of father do you want to be? So we got to start from scratch. We got to break down those, that damage that society has created and build them back up into what they want to be to their kids. You mentioned this on stage. I just want to give you a chance to elaborate.

What does it mean to be mentally and emotionally prepared to parent? You know, men have difficulties dealing with imperfections. You know, the ego is getting away. If we don't get it right, sometimes we can beat ourselves up. To me, being mentally and emotionally present means being open and available even past your mistakes, even past moments where you've dropped the ball, but owning that, owning it courageously, right? I think if you're mentally, emotionally present and available, you can do those things and say, okay, I messed up, but I'm going to come back to parenting.

And I think that's what parenting is all about. We never get it right all the time. No, we don't. I have three of them. But it is nice to hear you say that posture of vulnerability and being willing to sort of admit mistakes is a core part of it. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So we started talking about dads, of course, and the kind of shared themes among dads that you've worked with. Before we wrap up, I want to know, what is universal about kids? What have you found that kids really need? Wow. You know, my son says some of the most amazing things to me that are so

simple. You know, one day I was making him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. And he said, Daddy, you're the best dad in the world. You make the most perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever. I said, is that all I got to do is most perfect peanut butter and jelly sandwich ever. I said, is that all I got to do is make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? So it touched my heart because when you go out there in the world as a man, sometimes you think your kids want so much more from you than what they really want. My son teach me every day, I just want your time. I want you to just be there with me, be in the moment with me, and everything else doesn't matter. It doesn't matter how many degrees you have, how big the house is.

Can you play outside with me and chase me? Yeah. Right? Can you spend time with me? And for me, I think that's universal. I think kids want our time. They want our attention. They don't care about all their other stuff.

They want to feel good. They want to feel like you care for them. They want to feel protected. They want to feel your presence. want to feel like you care for them. They want to feel protected. They want to feel your presence. And I think that's universal. That's a beautiful note to end on. Charles Daniels, thank you so much. Thank you.

That was Charles C. Daniels at TED Women in 2021. If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at TED.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Autumn Thompson, and Alejandra Salazar. It was mixed by Christopher Fazi-Bogan. Additional support from Emma Taubner, Daniela Balarezo, and Will Hennessy. I'm Elise Hugh. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening. Looking for a fun challenge to share with your friends and family?

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