TED Talks Daily - How to handle grief at work and beyond | Meredith Wilson Parfet

Episode Date: March 4, 2025

What happens when personal grief collides with your professional life? Drawing on her experience as the CEO of a crisis management firm and a hospice chaplain, Meredith Wilson Parfet breaks down the reality of grief — at work and beyond — and shares practical tools for navigating chaos, without toxic positivity. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Support for this show comes from Airbnb. Last summer my family and I had an amazing Airbnb stay while adventuring in Playa del Carmen. It was so much fun to bounce around in ATVs, explore cool caves, and snorkel in subterranean rivers. Vacations like these are never long enough, but perhaps I could take advantage of my empty home by hosting it on Airbnb while I'm away. And then I could use the extra income to stay a few more days on my next Mexico trip. It seems like a smart thing to do

since my house sits empty while I'm away. We could zip line into even more cenotes on our next visit to Mexico. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. This episode is sponsored by Audible Canada. I'm excited to tell you about a new podcast that offers a fresh perspective on how we define success. It's called The Unusual Suspects with Kenya Barris and Malcolm Gladwell. As a podcast host, I'm always curious about

what makes exceptional people tick. The Audible Original Podcast offers an insightful exploration into the minds of notable figures from various fields like entertainment, sports, and business. The show's hosts, Kenya and Malcolm, combine their unique perspectives in a casual living room style conversation with guests like Jimmy Kimmel, Ursula Burns, and Ava DuVernay. No scripts, no agendas, just raw honest chats about their journeys. In this eight episode series,

you'll hear unfiltered stories of perseverance, resilience, and the sometimes unconventional choices that have led to the guests' achievements. Go to audible.ca slash unusual suspects podcast and listen now. This episode is sponsored by Cozy. Remember the last time you moved a couch? Nightmare, right?

Well, Cozy is changing the game. They're a Canadian company making modular, high quality furniture that arrives in compact boxes that are easy to carry. And Cozy's pieces grow with you. Start with a love seat, then easily expand to a sectional as your family grows. And comfort? Their Cielo collection is like sitting on a cloud perfect for unwinding after a long day of say hosting podcasts.

What really stands out is the adaptability. These pieces are built to last designed to be disassembled and reassembled without losing stability. It's furniture that evolves with your lifestyle. Customize your perfect piece today. Your back and your style will thank you. Transform your living space today with Cozy. Visit Cozy.ca, spelled C-O-Z-E-Y, to start customizing your furniture.

Cozy, modern living made simple for you. Modern Living made simple for you. You're listening to Ted Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. Loss and grief, something we will all face in our lives, and yet it can often feel impossible to navigate in the moment.

Crisis management expert Meredith Wilson-Parfit shares how major personal and professional losses of hers initially upended her life, but helped her see crisis management as a valuable skill set and grief as a tool for positive change. Stick around after the talk for a brief Q&A with TED's head of HR, Rachel Morris. It's all coming up. My life has not been perfect. And I find that deeply annoying. For better or worse, I face crisis across every part of it.

When it's personal, it's hard to know how to survive. When it's professional, suffering at work, not allowed. My boss used to say, that big stall in the bathroom is for crying, because I don't want to see it. But what happens when you have to go back to the office after the death of a loved one?

Or in the middle of a loved one? Or in the middle of a divorce? More taboo? What if something bad happens at work? Bankruptcy? Layoffs? A failed startup? Here's the thing.

Our brains don't actually know the difference between grief at work and grief at home. It's all grief, all of it. Pop culture tells us, be resilient, gritty. I don't know about you, but I'm more likely to show up with dirty hair, a hangover and a bad, juicy jumpsuit.

(*Laughter*) Thankfully, managing crisis is a skill set. It's something we can learn. But it takes tools, practical tools, not toxic positivity. I'm the CEO of a crisis management firm. We work on capital C crisis, fraud, scandal,

industrial accidents, workplace fatalities. I'm also a hospice chaplain and a death doula. A couple months into my MBA, I was on the phone with my mom when she found my 23-year-old sister dead from an accidental overdose. This is a strange format up here, because then I have to say that a lot of other people died

one after the other and can't really go into the years I spent laying in the ashes of my life. I was in childbirth when a doctor cut my artery. Every time my heartbeat, blood pumped into my abdomen for eight hours. Apparently, the human body holds 11 units of blood, and they replaced eight of mine. So suffice it to say, I had a few unanswered questions in my life, and I did what I thought every reasonable person would do

in this kind of a setting. I got obsessed with death and dying. I read the Tibetan Book of a setting, I got obsessed with death and dying. I read the Tibetan Book of the Dead, did grief yoga, wrote my own obituary, laid like a corpse to see what I would feel like. It makes me very weird at cocktail parties.

(*Laughter*) Professionally, I met crisis when I was the COO of a hedge fund. I was getting a root canal when I got the call that our largest investment had been raided by the FBI. It was a half a billion dollar global Ponzi scheme, painful investor losses, bad guys went to jail for decades and our firm went out of business. I was freaking out to one of my lawyers, like, sobbing. I was like, I'm not going to let you go to jail for decades, and our firm went out of business. I was freaking out to one of my lawyers, like, sobbing.

When he said to me, get over it, it's not like someone died. I was like, I'm going to refute that point. It felt like someone died. I lost my job, my reputation, I lost friends, I lost my identity.

I grieved. Crisis taught me that we live in two worlds. Our inner world is this loud, crowded place that's totally invisible to others. That's where we grieve. Our outer world is where we problem-solve. I call it the land of logistics. That is what goes into chaos.

The art of managing crisis is to give each world what it needs. Grief needs support. Chaos needs order. So let's start with our inner world. Crisis is catalytic. Think of it like a nuclear chain reaction. The first thing it triggers is our biology. We flood with adrenaline, cortisol.

This is super useful if you've ever had to run away from a bear. But the thing in crisis is you're running away from a bear for years. That messes with your brain. Memory, cognition, impulse control. In hospice, we call this grief brain. It's that foggy feeling, grief brain. So how do we cope? Turns out, not that well. Most of us take what's already hard about grief

and just make it harder. We do this by either burying the grief, like nuclear waste, or by detonating it, like a bomb. And it's tricky to see these things in ourselves, so consider this. When all hell breaks loose, are you more likely to simmer in resentment

or fire off a flaming email? Flaming email. Just kidding. Ha. Just kidding. Ha. Barriers. Barriers avoid messy emotions. But the grief leaks out like poison. At the times when we most need empathy,

barriers, they're pretty mechanical. They're robotic. Barriers. Feelings are not weaknesses. And phrases like, stay positive, are not that motivating. Detonators. Detonators are volatile,

excessive, overspending, overeating, overworking, over everything. At the times when we need stable leadership, they just barf their feelings on everyone. My fellow detonators, I see you. Get a therapist somewhere to put your big emotions,

and when all else fails, just learn to say, self, self, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh. The best tool for managing our inner world is self-awareness. It's not only about coping, it's strategic. These skills are leadership superpowers, all honed by grief. Now, what about our outer world? and the worst, all honed by grief. Now, what about our outer world?

Let's say someone's died. You have grief brain. Then you have to negotiate with the insurance company. Call the coroner. Cancel their mail. A doctor I work with in hospice calls this bureaucratic suffering. These are the times, either personally or professionally, where we need an operating system to organize the chaos. That operating system begins with four questions.

First, what is the crisis? You'd be amazed how often people try and solve problems they can't define. Imagine you're in your conference room. Go around your team. What's the crisis? What's the crisis? You will get different answers from everyone. That's your starting point for building alignment and identifying conflict.

Second, what are the trade-offs? In grief, we go into denial, wishful thinking. Use management frameworks, timelines, decision trees. Map it out. There are no easy choices and bad choices. There are no good choices and the right choices. There are only hard choices. So make them concrete and map them out.

Third, what are your priorities? They're only hard choices, so make them concrete and map them out. Third, what are your priorities? You cannot control the outcome of crisis. You can't. But you can control who you want to be. As a brand in your company, be the best version of your brand. As a person,

choose. Choose to grow. Try. See if you can prioritize things like adaptability, discipline, kindness. Finally, what is the next right thing? It's a Buddhist concept that orients us to the present moment. When things are in chaos, make a list and just do what comes next.

That's it. Just what comes next. And sometimes you'll spend a lot of time what's next, what's next, what's next. Crisis happens to everyone. It will happen to you. If you're brave enough, it will teach you lessons you can't learn anywhere else.

Crisis has not always been my best look, but it brought out the best in me. There is, I promise you, a path from grief to growth if you choose it. Thank you. Thank you so much for that, Meredith. You know, before you leave us, you talk about managing crisis as a skill set, which is so smart.

In a work setting, when you learn that a colleague is experiencing a crisis in their personal lives, what is the best way to support them through it? I think step one is to remember that work setting, personal setting, doesn't make any difference. It's a way to help them through it? I think step one is to remember that work setting, personal setting, doesn't make any difference. We are all humans everywhere we show up. One of the challenges of work

is that we believe we are supposed to just fix things. The problem with grief, it's not fixable. So turn the fixing mind off and turn on the idea of bearing witness and companioning someone. If you feel like, oh, I'm too scared to show up and say something wrong, just say something kind. We often, people will say,

well, I didn't want to bring that up because it might make you feel sad. If someone's going through something hard, they're already sad. They know it's going to happen. So just show up. Walk with them. Sit with them in the darkness. Even if they're your colleague, it doesn't take much to just say,

hey, you're on my mind, how are you holding up? That's it. Be human. We are humans everywhere. I love that. Such an important talk. Thank you so much. Meredith Wilson-Parfett. Thank you for having us. That was Meredith Wilson-Parfit at TED Next 2024.

If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at TED.com slash curationguidelines. And that's it for today's show. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar, and Tansika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Faisy-Bogan.

Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Balorizo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening. This episode is sponsored by Audible Canada. I'm excited to tell you about a new podcast that offers a fresh perspective on how we define success. It's called The Unusual Suspects

with Kenya Barris and Malcolm Gladwell. As a podcast host, I'm always curious about what makes exceptional people tick. The Audible Original Podcast offers an insightful exploration into the minds of notable figures from various fields like entertainment, sports, and business. The show's hosts, Kenya and Malcolm,

combine their unique perspectives in a casual living room style conversation with guests like Jimmy Kimmel, Ursula Burns, and Ava DuVernay. No scripts, no agendas, just raw honest chats about their journeys. In this eight episode series you'll hear unfiltered stories of perseverance, resilience, and the sometimes unconventional choices that have led to the guests' achievements. Go to audible.ca slash unusual suspects podcast and listen now. When you choose Athabasca University's online MBA program, you'll get more experience,

more flexibility so you can pursue your degree while balancing work and family. The AU Online MBA is designed to fit individual schedules so you can successfully complete the program from home, work, or even while traveling. You don't need to leave work for a month, a year, or even every second Friday. Choose a more flexible MBA and get more out of your education. Learn how at AthabascaU.ca slash flexible MBA. From fleet management to flexible truck rentals to technology solutions.

At Enterprise Mobility, we help businesses find the right mobility solutions so they can find new opportunities. Because if your business is on the road, we wanna make sure it's on the road to success. Enterprise Mobility, moving you moves the world.