TED Talks Daily - How to make anxiety your friend | David H. Rosmarin

Episode Date: March 8, 2025

When anxiety rears its head, we often just want it to go away. Clinical psychologist David H. Rosmarin asks us to consider instead the positive role anxiety can play in our lives, sharing four practical steps to transform it from your enemy into your ally. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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every day. I'm your host, Elise Hwu. We all have different ways of feeling and managing anxiety. For me, my anxiety shows up in irritability, and generally, I just want it to go away. I'm not alone. A lot of us think of anxiety as something to fix or work to get rid of. But in his 2024 talk, clinical psychologist David Ross Maron asks us to consider the positive role anxiety can play in our lives.

Instead of being our worst enemy, he shares actionable ways we can turn anxiety into a trusted ally. That's right. It's coming up. So I vividly remember my first anxiety attack. It's kind of like I feel right now. Is it hot in here? It's hot in here. This wave of fear crashed over me and my heart started to pound. My breathing got ahead of me and out of control.

My face felt hot. It's hot in here, right? And I got doused in this really uncomfortable, cold sweat. It was a life-changing moment because I made a decision right there and then to dedicate my career to ridding our world of this this feeling anxiety. So that was more than two decades ago. Work in progress. I became a clinical psychologist. I became a professor. I started an anxiety treatment center,

and then I realized at some point along the way that eradicating anxiety from our lives would not be beneficial. Sometimes anxiety interferes with your life. That's clinical anxiety. And yes, you do want to get rid of that clinical anxiety with the help of a professional. But other times, many times, it's uncomfortable, it's uncontrollable.

Did I mention a tot in here? It's intense, but that's a good thing. It's a good thing. Many of the greatest leaders in human history, certainly in recent history, they were forged in a cauldron of anxiety. Once early in his career, Sir Winston Churchill, he froze for three full minutes in the House of Commons giving a speech. He fought against his phobia, faced his fears head on,

and he went on to become one of the greatest auditors of the 20th century. In the 1990s, after a box office flop, Oprah Winfrey, she turned to food to drown out her feelings, to suppress her emotions. She ended up feeling emotionally numb for six weeks, and during that period of great anxiety, she learned the importance of letting go of her expectations for success.

She went on to become a media icon. And speaking of icons, the first time Taylor Swift sang the national anthem at a football game, she felt paralyzed with fear. What she learned is to share her feelings with others. Listen to her lyrics. Many of them speak about her own anxiety. And now, well, apparently she can shake it off. And now, well, apparently she can shake it off.

Anxiety is an emotion like any other emotion, and it can do so much good for you. It can increase your resilience. It can strengthen your relationships. It can help you to let go. When I first met Nicole, she had hypochondriasis, which is clinical health anxiety. Despite numerous MRIs, to the contrary, she was convinced that she had an aneurysm. Nicole's biggest fear was that her anxiety would spike, her brain would explode, and she would drop dead,

which would not be good. Nicole started to withdraw from daily activities, and she recognized rightfully that she needed professional help, so she came in. Nicole overcame her obsessions with exposure therapy. She faced her fears. She embraced them head on in order to build resilience. She read stories about aneurysms. She watched videos about aneurysms. She went to a local neurology ward. Nicole overcame her obsessions.

And she graduated from therapy. I was so happy and so proud of her. And then a couple years later, the phone rang. Nicole tells me she's pregnant with a baby boy. But the doctors told her that he would probably die because an ultrasound revealed that he had an aneurysm. Now given Nicole's history, I thought she would fall apart. But she didn't, she didn't. The baby needed life-saving surgery shortly after birth.

And Nicole understandably and very appropriately, was very anxious during the surgery, as the doctors operated. But she stuck with it, and so did he. Today, he is a healthy, thriving little boy, and also really cute, by the way. A really cute, really cute kid. And Nicole, she is a super resilient mom,

because she faced anxiety. a really cute, cute kid. And Nicole, she is a super resilient mom because she faced anxiety. You are a lot more like Nicole than you think. There have been many times in your life where you too embraced anxiety, when you embraced the discomfort, when you persevered, although you felt panicky and worried. And you've done this because deep in your heart,

you know that you cannot get rid of all of your anxiety, and it will always be uncomfortable. And that's why pushing against it creates mental muscle tone, which you need to crest over life's hurdles with grace. It can be difficult to love someone who has anxiety. And it's probably even more hard, more difficult to receive it. But, but, deep human connection,

deep emotional connections between people requires vulnerability. So anxiety can be used to create intimacy. Think about it. In your own life, who are the people who you feel closest to? Usually, it's those who you've opened up to about your anxiety in some way. I myself, this is gonna be hard, but I'll try.

I'm terrified of failure. I'm terrified of professional failure I'm terrified of professional failure. And I struggle with vulnerability. In some ways this propelled me and fueled my drive for professional success, but it created distance in my relationships. When I first met my wonderful, wonderful wife, Miri, I put up a wall and I didn't speak enough about my feelings, and I submerged my anxiety by focusing on my work, right? Pretty classic, right?

You don't need to be a psychotherapist to figure that one out. Of course, the feelings didn't go away. We all have this, like, chef in the back of our emotional kitchen. Well, my chef cooked up these entrees of edginess, right? Side orders of criticism and a whole bunch of other dishes that I'm not going to speak about in public. But Miri thankfully stuck with me. And more importantly, she consistently showed me that she would never judge me if I failed. Eventually, I got the message.

It took a while. But that unconditional love that I received allowed me to take the plunge, drop my guard, lower my defenses, and identify what I was afraid of and to share it with her. I think it's the hardest thing I ever did my whole life. Definitely harder than anything in the professional realm. But there's nothing more worthwhile than taking our anxiety and turning it into love.

Losing control is utterly terrifying. It's terrifying. It's happened to everyone. But, but, as long as you have a heads up, as long as you expect it, and you're a willing participant, doesn't it feel good to let go? You don't need to be a thrill seeker to appreciate this.

Adrenaline. A shot of it comes with pure joy, followed by this blissful tranquility, like wow. And perhaps for that reason, even in this age of unprecedented, incredible anxiety, action and adventure movies, they make up more than 50% of box office sales, and the most profitable genre of film is horror. It's funny.

Now, life isn't a movie, so it's very good to shape the world in accordance with your vision on a daily basis. It's very important that we do that. But once in a while, it's a human need to take a seat and go for a ride on the rollercoaster of life, to let go. Doing so keeps your ego in check. Some people view this surrender in spiritual terms, the serenity prayer, very commonly used to cope with anxiety.

And it famously states, God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. Now, when you're ready, not before you're ready, please, but when you're ready, affirming the limits of your control, it brings inner peace. Anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of. We all have it. And it's not going away.

Here are four steps that you can use to turn anxiety into your ally, not your enemy. But please, if anxiety interferes with your life, if it's clinical, don't just rely on this approach, get the professional help you need. If we have an agreement on that, then I'll tell you the four steps. Okay, step number one, identify. Many times when you feel anxious, you squelch the sensations and push them out of your mind before you've even processed what you're worried about. Stop! Take a minute and ask yourself, what am I truly afraid of?

What really is at the bottom of my fear? If you don't know the answer, that's fine. Go for a walk and don't come back until you have an answer. Step two, share. Speak about your anxiety. With a friend, with a neighbor, with a co-worker, with a stranger, I'm serious. If you're not ready for a conversation, that's fine, text it. If it's more than a couple lines, sure, email, press send, take the plunge, be vulnerable.

Step three, embrace. When you feel anxious, not if, you will, you will feel anxious, and when it happens, don't fight it, don't squelch it, let it happen, let it ride, let it ride. In fact, do things that make you uncomfortable, intentionally, repeatedly, as long as they're safe. That's how we build emotional resilience.

And finally, my favorite four, let go. Let go. Think back to step number one. What are you truly afraid of? And then when you're ready, humbly admit, even for a moment, that you are not in full control of that outcome. It's scary to even think about, but it's not a bad thing.

Firstly, sometimes challenges are a blessing in disguise. But even either way, enjoy not being responsible for everything under the sun. Okay, should I try the four steps? Yeah, I'll give it a shot. Identify. The hardest part about this talk was speaking about my anxiety in public. I was afraid you would judge me. It's really quiet in here.

Did you judge me. It's really quiet in here. Did you judge me? I may be really anxious. Share. Okay. So I'm, I'm revealing this to you now because what we've spent like 10 minutes together and I've grown to like you. So I want more of an emotional connection here and I hope it's mutual. Okay.

Three, embrace. Okay. Do you know what it's like to stand on this red dot and to speak about, like, all your issues in public? it's like diving off a cliff. Remember that part about my emotional kitchen? That was really vulnerable for me. And let go. So I'm sending this message about anxiety off into the universe. I hope that it will land on the hearts, minds, and souls

of a broader audience. But really, there's nothing I can do about that anymore. And that's okay. That's okay. So please join me. What are the four steps? Let's say them together so we remember. Identify, share, embrace, let go.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much. TED Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar, and Tansika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Fazy-Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniella Ballarezzo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening. Dr. Catherine Saunders is a leading obesity specialist at Weill Cornell Medicine and co-founder of Flight Health, a software and clinical services company democratizing access to medical obesity care.

and clinical services company democratizing access to medical obesity care. One of her goals as a physician is to create a long-term relationship with her patients and break down stigma surrounding obesity. She recently sat down with one of her patients, Barbara, to talk about what an empathy and science-based approach to healthcare actually looks like. I really battled obesity and I have been battling it my entire life. In 2010, I weighed about 340 pounds. I had a rule-on-why bypass. I probably lost about 150 pounds and I felt pretty good, but my weight gradually began to creep up.

I went back to my bariatric surgeon. I was looking for help. He looked me straight in the eye. He was very blunt. And he said, go see Dr. Catherine Saunders. We talk a lot about how it's so important in this field of medicine to have a good partnership between the patient and the care team against the disease.

Especially in the field of obesity medicine, it's so critical that we as healthcare providers listen to our patients. They've heard from so many other healthcare providers, oh, just eat less and exercise more, just go off and lose weight. It's a long-term relationship where there has to be trust. Yeah, Dr. Saunders, you said there are going to be bumps in the road,

and when that happens, I want you to contact me immediately. The fact that you gave me that permission, it was almost like vaccinating me against failure. Yeah, it's so much better for us to understand early what's going on. We have to be detectives. And we can very often pinpoint what it is. Dr. Saunders, you probably remember the time I came to you,

and I said, I've started eating in the middle of the night, and I have no idea why. I was flabbergasted. We talked and came up with a plan. Yeah, and it's my job to figure out why is this happening, what's not working. I think we adjusted the timing of one of your medications to cover nighttime better when you reached your health goals We decided to transition from the phase of weight loss to the phase of weight maintenance We recognized at that point that your pre-diabetes was gone

that your pre-diabetes was gone, your blood pressure was in the normal range, and all of the health complications that were associated with your higher weight were improved or gone. That was really exciting. You allow yourself as a patient to start to think about what that means for your life. I realized that I didn't fear being around food anymore.

It's really important for people to understand that what they are struggling with is not their fault, and there are effective treatment plans. Hearing stories like Barbara can change so many lives. If obesity was just about willpower, losing weight and keeping it off would be simple. Novo Nordisk is committed to driving change to defeat serious chronic diseases.

Learn more about our mission to defeat obesity at novonordisk.com. That's N-O-V-O-N-O-R-D-I-S-K dot com. When you choose Athabasca University's online MBA program, you'll get more. Experience more flexibility to pursue your degree while balancing work and family. Discover more accessibility through multiple entry paths that honor your professional experience. Enjoy more personalization with electives and projects aligned to your unique interests. Choose a more reputable MBA from one of the world's top business schools.

Get more out of your education. Find out how at AthabaskayU.ca slash flexible MBA. Neuroscientist Ethan Cross says, you may think it's healthy to vent about what's bothering you, but... The problem is you often leave that conversation feeling really good about the person you just communicated with, but all the negative feelings are still there.

Sometimes they're even more activated. Tools for managing our emotions. That's next time on the TED Radio Hour from NPR. Listen and subscribe to the TED Radio Hour wherever you get your podcasts.