TED Talks Daily - My bank called in the middle of my TED Talk | Mike Albo

Episode Date: March 25, 2026

In this TED Talk gone wrong, comedian Mike Albo receives an unexpected call from his bank. The result: a hilariously uncomfortable tour of his purchase history, and a reminder that in the digital age, our data knows us a little too well.Learn more about our flagship conference happening this April at attend.ted.com/podcast Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. Oh, gosh, I just got a really alarming text from my bank. Did you pick up your phone for the 800th time that day, empty of emotion, but still feeling a deep, lonely ache? Yes. And scroll through Scruff, having a number of pointless conversations with headless torsos. That's comedian and writer Mike Albo, describing a feeling I think we all know a little too well. Indeed, we talk a lot about how our phones run our lives,

but what happens when they get a little too smart, too reflective of the world around us? Yes, I did, but how did you note that? And then did you order, call me by your name on iTunes for $7.99, and then finally watch it, because you have avoided watching it, because as a gay man pushing 50, you don't want to get upset seeing young gorgeous men in love? Yes, I did. In this part comedy, part memoir, part documentary talk, Mike takes a very personal route to show us the hilarious and painfully relatable ways that our digital lives are reflecting our desires, anxieties, and vanities.

That's coming up right after a short break. And now our TED Talk of the Day. Hi. Hello. Hi, Ted people. I'm Mike Albo. I'm so excited to be here in Hotlanta. Do they still call it that? Or is that insulting? I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm here to talk about our smartphones and how they control our... Oh, dear.

Oh, gosh, I just got a really alarming text from my bank. Do you mind if I just... This will just take a second. I'm sorry. Hello. Thank you for calling American Bank. For English, please press one. For Spanish or Prima No. 2. To report a card lost or stolen, or to report suspicious activity on your account, press 1. We are experiencing heavy traffic.

Please hold for the next available representative. Your call is... Hello, thank you for calling American Bank. This is Danny. How may I help you? Hi, I just received a text that there's a foreign charge on my account. Yes, I'll be happy to assist you with that, Mr. Albo. May I have the last four digits of your social security number? 1734.

Thank you, Mr. Albo. Yes, it appears there has been some suspicious activity. To validate your account, I will need to confirm recent transactions over the last 24 hours. Is that okay with you, Mr. Alba? Yes. Did you purchase a smoothie in Philadelphia yesterday at 6 a.m. for $1.50? Weird, no. Did you purchase a bubble tea in Puerto Vallarta today at 8 a.m. for $0.00.

and zero cents? I did not. Did you purchase a chopped salad in Toronto yesterday at 8.30 a.m. for 37 cents? I did not. Okay, yes. It seems your account has been hacked. If you allow me to continue

with your transactions over the last 24 hours, Mr. Albo, just to make sure. Okay. Did you purchase two organic chicken breasts, brown rice, and a head of broccoli at Whole Foods for $28 and $11 at 4.59 p.m. yesterday? Yes, I know. So expensive.

Did you purchase a bottle of wine for $11.50 at Smith Street wine and liquor at 5.12 p.m. yesterday. Yes. And then did you purchase drinks at loco cocoa saloon for $14 at 535 p.m.? No. Wait. Oh, yeah. I was with this guy, Jeff. I was trying to meet someone in public before I... Anyway, yes. Did you purchase a monthly membership renewal on Grindr? Um, yeah. Did you purchase an auto-renewal membership on Scruff? Um, yes, I must have.

Then at 9.30 p.m., did you purchase another bottle of wine from Vino-Nino Wine Company on Atlantic Avenue? Uh, yes. And did you do this because you didn't want the guys at Smith Street wine to see you buying more wine on the same day? Yes, but... And did you go home and eat while standing up at the sink. Yes, I did, but how did you note that? And then did you order, call me by your name on... iTunes for $7.99

and then finally watch it because you have avoided watching it because as a gay man pushing 50 you don't want to get upset seeing young gorgeous men in love? Yes, I did. And then at the end did you burst into tears but then go look in the mirror to see how you look when you cry

shirtless and then purchase a Peloton membership? Yes. And then did you take a photo of your torso in the mirror because you realize your abs look good when you are heaving with tears? Yes. Did you pick up your phone for the 800th time that day, empty of emotion, but still feeling a deep, lonely ache? Yes.

And scroll through Scruff, having a number of pointless conversations with headless torsos. Yes. Drinking your previously purchased wine until you were so sloshed. Yes. And you cried by yourself, no one else there, just you, a low-income, single gay man that no one wants to hear from in society, since you are over 40 and make less, than $30,000 a year? Yes. And then did you pass out staring at yet another hot man on your screen you will never meet

in person and then wake up and look at your phone and realize with horror that you were late to get to the airport to go to Atlanta for this TED Next event? I did. And barely got to the airport on time and landed in Atlanta, got to the Uber, and checked Scruff and Grindr again to see if there are any hot guys in Atlanta because this town is indeed full of very sexy men. I did, I did. And they are.

They are. And then you got to the venue and ran out of the Uber and rushed backstage with your phone in your hand and brought it up on stage with you. And then just now, walking on stage, look down again to see if there are any hot guys to meet right here in the audience and saw that we, American Bank, had contacted you by text to ask about potential fraudulent purchases on your account. I did. I did. Well, Mr. Albo, it seems your transactions are in order. We will cancel the card, and you can expect a new one in the next six to ten business days. Six to ten business days? Is there anything else I can help you with?

No, thanks, Danny. Thank you, Mr. Albo. We very much appreciate your continued patronage of American Bank. Also, you are a drunk gay tramp. Goodbye. Hey. Well, I guess I am. Oh, and my time's out.

Thank you. That was Mike Albo at TED Next, 2025. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out more at TED.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today. Ted Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This talk was fact-checked by the TED Research Team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tonicaa Sung Marnivong. This episode was mixed by Lucy Little.

Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Ballerazo. I'm Elise Hu. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening.