TED Talks Daily - Stop telling single people to get married | Peter McGraw

Episode Date: April 16, 2025

Why do we assume single people aren’t happy? Behavioral economist (and lifelong bachelor) Peter McGraw advocates for a world in which single life is just as accepted as marriage, debunking the myth that getting hitched is the only path to fulfillment. From spinsters to cat ladies, he outlines the power in chosen family — and invites you to reconsider what it means to live a remarkable life. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

I used to say, I just feel stuck. Stuck where I don't want to be. Stuck trying to get to where I really need to be. But then I discovered lifelong learning. Learning that gave me the skills to move up, move beyond, gain that edge, drive my curiosity, prepare me for what is inevitably next. The University of Toronto School of Continuing Studies. Lifelong learning to stay forever unstuck. With the FIZ loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan,

you're not with FIZ. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca. Support for this episode comes from Airbnb. Every year I travel to Vancouver for the TED conference, a week filled with big ideas, inspiring speakers, and late-night conversations. But while I'm away, my home just sits empty. I've been thinking, why not list it on Airbnb? Hosting could help cover some of my travel costs and maybe even let me stay an extra day in Vancouver

to soak in the city's beauty. Instead of rushing to the airport, I could take one more walk along the seawall, grab another amazing meal, or relax at the spa after a busy week, filled with inspiration. Hosting on Airbnb feels like the practical thing to do and Airbnb makes it easy to get started.

Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. You're listening to Ted Talks Daily where we bring you new ideas and conversations to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hough. Marriage is considered a life goal or even a necessity for many people across the globe. We've even prioritized pairing up in our institutions and systems, benefits like tax cuts for married couples. But lately, there's been a rise of single people internationally.

And for Peter McGraw, a behavioral economist and lifelong bachelor, this is a sign of progress. In his 2024 talk, he shares why it's time for social safety nets to stop being tied to marital status and why it's a good thing that more and more people are saying, do I, rather than I do. My not so subtle request, stop telling single people to get married.

20 years ago, I threw myself a bachelor party as a new professor at CU Boulder. Bacs were slapped, stories were shared, classes clinked. But there was a hitch. I wasn't getting hitched. My rationale, without a wedding in sight, why do married folks get to have all the fun? Unbeknownst to me, that night I joined a movement, the Sola Movement, where being single isn't just tolerated,

it's celebrated. Not less than, not better, just a different path filled with opportunities to live remarkably. In 1960, 90% of adults in the United States would go on to get married. Today, 50% of adults in the US are unmarried. 25% of millennials are projected to never marry. And don't get me started on what's happening with Gen Z. Yet we still live in a world built for two. Married people have access to over 1,000 legal advantages unavailable to singles, tax breaks, social security benefits.

Singles invest heavily in marital milestones. This made sense when everyone got married, but for us lifelong singles, we have to buy our own crockpots. And then there's Aunt Sally who keeps asking, so is there anyone special? How many of us have an Aunt Sally? Lately, a chorus of media voices have traded Auntie's question for a prescription, Get Married. You don't believe me?

There's a book called Get Married, and it came out, of course, on Valentine's Day. The Get Married advocates like to point to data that show that married people report higher life satisfaction than single people their conclusion Get married and get happy Your bonus you get to save civilization Now you might be wondering and the answer no, I'm not anti-marriage. I've even had a couple near-misses.

But I am against over-prescribing marriage based on correlational data that the get-married crowd is a little too wedded to. Any serious scientist who looks at these data comes to the same conclusion, that is, the people who get married are already slightly happier to begin with. But there is a happiness effect in the data. There's a wedding date bump, but it fades fast.

Laughter For 30k a pop, the average US wedding, at that cost, you can take 15 vacations without your in-laws. Laughter But here's the real puzzle, and it's one that the get married crowd can't answer, and that is this, if getting married makes you happy,

why is it that the happiest places on earth feature the most people going solo? This is especially the case in Scandinavia. I say, rather than treating the rise of singles as a bug, let's treat it as a feature, a feature of progress, especially for women. The arranged marriage was invented 4,400 years ago in order to form business alliances during harsh agrarian times.

Women were treated more like property than partners, with a husband receiving ownership from the father at the altar. Thankfully today, marriage is more about love, and it's increasingly optional. The story of the rise of singles is the story of the rise of women. And it really got rolling with the invention of the spinning wheel. The spinsters who used it could earn their own money and escape being owned by a husband or a father. With the invention of birth control and greater access to education and economic opportunities, I do is becoming, do I? The spinsters of yesterday and the cat ladies of today

are not old maids. They're trailblazers, pioneers of independence. Urbanization, apartments, and the home appliances that were invented for housewives are spurring a huge increase in people living alone, especially in cities like Stockholm. Intrigued by these happy Scandinavians, I swapped out my Stetson for an Indiana Jones-style fedora and headed to Sweden, a global leader in gender equality. And I found lots of one-bedroom apartments

filled with singles, some by choice, some by chance, but living rich, interconnected, remarkable lives. So let's dispense with the calls to get married. They're either already preaching to the choir or shouting into the wind. They're the someday singles. They're looking for their person, sometimes waiting hopelessly. The just-may singles are open to possibilities, the hopeless romantics.

But of single adults in the United States, half have other priorities. They're not looking for love or lust, whether for now or forever. And they're channeling their time and their energy and their attention and their intention into education, building businesses, creating art. For many singles, they live meaningful lives. Singles give more time, they're more likely to

care for elderly parents and disabled friends, more so than their non-single counterparts. So what should we tell single people rather than get married? Let's start by expanding the concept of significant other. It originally included family and deep friendships, including family of choice. Indeed, science shows that social connections broadly predict life satisfaction. I've never put a ring on a finger,

but I have significant others. They are my brothers and sisters in the solar community around the world. There's my brother from another mother, Darwin, who's taught me more about unconditional love than any lover has. And here tonight is my soul sister, Julie, who was at my bachelor party 20 years ago. I love you, Joy. Next, let's advocate for policies that support a family of one. Sweden's social safety net is given to all citizens individually. Universal health care,

free or low-cost education, affordable childcare and eldercare, no spouse required. Amen. And lastly, let's elevate single living to be on par with married living. Not better, not worse, just a different path filled with our opportunities to live remarkably. I always thought that there was something wrong with me for not wanting to get married.

The prospect of it felt like I would be wearing an ill-fitting suit, or worse, a straight jacket. Now, don't get me wrong, I have plenty of problems. There's a lot of things wrong with me. But putting a ring on it is not going to solve my problems. And as I was nursing a broken heart after one of my near misses, it hit me. I'm not half waiting for a hole. I'm wholehearted. I'm not half waiting for a whole. I'm wholehearted. I'm complete.

I'm healthy. I'm financially stable. I do meaningful work. I have a wide and deep connected group of friends. I feel wholehearted, and I hope you do too. In the end, there is no one remarkable life. There are remarkable lives. And no amount of pearl clutching or calls to get married are going to drag us back to

the good old days, which to be honest, weren't that good to begin with. Someday single living and married living will stand side by side, equal. In the meantime, the solo movement has a big tent. Never married, divorced, separated, widowed, welcome. We celebrate you and our married allies. The future is about options, not prescriptions. So let's toast to a world that honors both the choice to settle down or go solo. Cheers. Applause.

Cheers. That was Peter McGraw at TEDxBoulder in 2024. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out more at TED.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today's show. Ted Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, Alejandra Salazar, and Tonsika Sarmarnivon. It was mixed by Christopher Faisy-Bogan, additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Balarezo.

I'm Elise Huw. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening. I used to say, I just feel stuck. Stuck where I don't wanna be. Stuck trying to get to where I really need to be. But then I discovered lifelong learning, learning that gave me the skills to move up, move beyond, gain that edge, drive my curiosity,

prepare me for what is inevitably next. The University of Toronto School of Continuing Studies, lifelong learning to stay forever unstuck. With the FIZ loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan,

you're not with FIZ. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fiz.ca.