TED Talks Daily - Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile

Episode Date: November 21, 2024

What if the secret to a happy relationship isn’t following the rules, but rewriting them? In this refreshing talk, couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile explores why letting go of traditional societal expectations of romantic relationships — like sharing the same routines or even, in some cases, living together — can help couples embrace their individuality, reduce conflict and build stronger, more fulfilling connections.

TED Audio Collective You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hume. A challenge for you today, listeners. Marriage and family therapist Stephanie Yates-Anya Buile says we should actually reject everything we know about relationships and that doing this will be freeing and can be the key to having a great relationship. If this sounds counterintuitive, she will make sense of it in her 2024 talk after the break. Support for this show comes from Airbnb. If you know me, you know I love staying in Airbnbs when I travel. They make my family feel most at home when we're away from home.

As we settled down at our Airbnb during a recent vacation to Palm Springs, I pictured my own home sitting empty. Wouldn't it be smart and better put to use welcoming a family like mine by hosting it on Airbnb? It feels like the practical thing to do, and with the extra income I could save up for renovations to make the space even more inviting for ourselves and for future guests. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. AI keeping you up at night? Wondering what it means for your business? Don't miss the latest season of Disruptors, the podcast that takes a closer look at the

innovations reshaping our economy. Join RBC's John Stackhouse and Sonia Senek from Creative Destruction Lab as they ask bold questions like, why is Canada lagging in AI adoption and how to catch up? Don't get left behind. Listen to Disruptors, the innovation era, and stay ahead of the game in this fast-changing world. Follow Disruptors on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or your favorite podcast platform. And now our TED Talk of the Day. I'm a couples therapist in an absolute romance theme. I'm talking about everything from The Notebook to Twilight

to a show some of you may remember called The Flavor of Love. (*Laughter*) It's a reality competition show where the prize was the love of flavor of flavor. (*Laughter*) I think about relationships a lot, and something that comes up a lot in my work is this belief that relationships are hard. And we believe that due to one primary reason.

Our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do. Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple. OK, I said honestly, OK? I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together. Would you think to yourself,

it sounds like they have some serious issues? If we're honest, a lot of us would. And it's not because we're not open-minded, but we've been taught that these are warning signs for a relationship in trouble. And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case. Relationship experts have found

that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations. When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner, as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short. Now, before we really get into this, I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact

that we may be with the wrong person. And that will be clear if your deepest desire is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are. You really want them to be a different person. But if you're confident that you're with the right person and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied, we may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one.

I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises. I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year, and when they first came to me, they said, we're 95 percent good, we just want to address the five percent. And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple. It turns out that five percent was more like 75 percent and increasing. They were struggling to make a blended family work.

One partner had kids, the other one had never lived with kids before, and they moved in together after only knowing each other for three months. after only knowing each other for three months. (*Laughter*) One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back, they'd called off their wedding.

But why? Their love was honestly, it was evident, and they were not cruel to each other. Their issue was figuring out how to continue building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to continue building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to raise teenagers, who, to be honest, already had two very involved parents.

They weren't really in need of a third. After a particularly big blow-up over chores and responsibilities, I finally asked a dangerous question. I said, do you think that living together has hurt or helped your relationship more? We took a few weeks to explore that question, and they decided to test it out. They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby for the partner who didn't have kids.

And we were really strategic. We made a contract. Let's talk about dates, let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately. And by the time they came back to me, I'd never seen them communicate so well. They said that they were looking forward to every weekend that they got to spend together.

It felt like a vacation, because they would spend the entire week planning their time together and savoring every moment they had together. They also found that their individual relationships with the kids drastically improved without the pressure of trying to transition them into an entirely new household dynamic, especially when they only had a couple years left in the house.

So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves, what kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart? That's a fair question. And to be honest, for a majority of my clients, this solution would not work. And that is the point. When we're thinking about our relationships, we have to avoid focusing on what is normal.

There's no such thing as normal when we're talking about two unique individuals with their own backgrounds and their own values. For this particular couple, they had to figure out a way to separate their romantic relationship from what really boiled down to roommate issues. And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart. and supported the option to live apart. [♪ Music playing. And now back to the episode. One conflict that comes up a lot in my work

is the difference in values between arriving on time and arriving looking and feeling your best. Neither one is wrong. But I had a great model for this with my parents. When I was growing up, we drove absolutely everywhere separately. Everywhere. You know, if you're going to be a little bit late, you're out with my mom,

and if you're arriving on time, you go with my dad. They had too many vans for only two kids. OK? We didn't go anywhere together. And one time when I was about 12 years old, one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it. And I could tell she was so nervous,

like I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated and she just figured it out. You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this. What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced, and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away. Now, do I think that's due to them commuting separately? Of course not. But I think it shows us two things.

First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment. It also shows us that sometimes, when we decide to do things a little differently, we can avoid the difference between having a really challenging day as a couple or a smooth day by simply accepting our differences not as a couple,

but as individuals. Instead of trying to change our partners, what if we instead embraced their differences, our difference in values, and release the pressure of doing what everyone else is doing? It's OK to be a stay-at-home dad. It's OK if you prefer to travel without each other. It's OK if you need to have your own bedrooms so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other.

It's OK if you want to break tradition and create a new last name. It's OK if you want to share your love on social media, but it's also OK if you want to protect it from public opinion. It's OK if you're to protect it from public opinion. It's OK if you're in a season of life where you both just cannot prioritize sex. It's OK if people are confused about your relationship. It was never theirs to understand in the first place. (*Applause*)

If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, then we'll continue to do nothing about it. If our relationships feel hard, I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it. Is it really the relationship, or is it external factors, like our own personal trauma histories or work stress? If it really is your relationship, let's really think about what you and your partner are willing to do to help you. trauma histories or work stress. If it really is your relationship, let's really think about what you and your partner

are willing to do differently to enjoy it again. I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships and challenge ourselves to create a relationship that not only defies expectations, but honors the peculiarities that make us us. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Support for this show comes from Airbnb. If you know me, you know I love staying in Airbnbs when I travel. They make my family feel most at home

when we're away from home. As we settled down at our Airbnb during a recent vacation to Palm Springs, I pictured my own home sitting empty. Wouldn't it be smart and better put to use welcoming a family like mine by hosting it on Airbnb? It feels like the practical thing to do, and with the extra income I could save up for renovations to make the space even more inviting for ourselves and for future guests. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how much at airbnb.ca slash host. That was Stephanie Yates-Agnabuele

speaking at TED Next 2024. If you're curious about Ted's curation, find out more at ted.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today. Ted Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This episode was produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Autumn Thompson, and Alejandra Salazar. It was mixed by Christopher Faisy-Bogan.

Additional support from Emma Taubner and Daniela Ballarezo. I'm Elise Hue. I'll be back tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feet. Thanks for listening.