TED Talks Daily - Your relationship expectations could be holding you back | Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile (re-release)

Episode Date: October 4, 2025

What if the secret to a happy relationship isn’t following the rules, but rewriting them? In this refreshing talk, couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates-Anyabwile explores why letting go of traditional societal expectations of romantic relationships — like sharing the same routines or even, in some cases, living together — can help couples embrace their individuality, reduce conflict and build stronger, more fulfilling connections.TED Talks Daily is nominated for the Signal Award for Best Conversation Starter Podcast. Vote here!Interested in learning more about upcoming TED events? Follow these links:TEDNext: ted.com/futureyouTEDAI Vienna: ted.com/ai-viennaTEDAI San Francisco: ted.com/ai-sf Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Too many students are packed into overcrowded classrooms in Ontario schools, and it's hurting their ability to learn. But instead of helping our kids, the Ford government is playing politics, taking over school boards and silencing local voices. It shouldn't be this way. Tell the Ford government to get serious about tackling overcrowded classrooms because smaller classes would make a big difference for our kids. Go to Building Better Schools.ca.

A message from the Elementary Teachers Federation of Ontario. A billionaire? Not a problem. You can still do something legendary by leaving a gift to charity in your will. Even 1% in your will can change the game for a cause you care about without taking away what you or your family need. It's a powerful way to make your mark. Anyone can leave a legacy.

Willpower shows you how. Learn more at willpower.ca. You're listening to TED Talks Daily, where we bring you new ideas to spark your curiosity every day. I'm your host, Elise Hugh. Romantic relationships are hard, and it is natural that problems will arise. But what if I told you that everything we think we know about what causes the problems in our relationships is wrong? And that if we reject what we think we know, we'll make our relationships better. Couples therapist Stephanie R. Yates, Anya, Buile, digs into this fascinating new perspective.

on relationships. In the talk she gave last year at TED Next, one of Ted's flagship conferences, this talk gives you a glimpse into what kinds of eye-opening ideas are shared at TED Next. I was there last year. I am so excited I'll be going back again this year from November 9th through the 11th in Atlanta, Georgia, to welcome to the stage speakers I curated for my own session of TED Talks. The community at TED Next is electric and infectious, as everyone gathers, with the common purpose to learn more about the future you. I'd love for you to be there. And if you want to join this community

and are curious about what your future holds, for your relationships, your career, for your understanding of the world, learn more about TEDnext at TED.com slash daily next. There's so much more than just the talks. There's activities, dinners, immersive experiences. So be sure to learn more at TED.com slash daily next. And now on to Stephanie's talk.

I'm a couple's therapist in an absolute romance theme. I'm talking about everything from The Notebook to Twilight to a show some of you may remember called The Flavor of Love. It's a reality competition show where the prize was the love of Flav of Flav. I think about relationships a lot, and something that comes up a lot of my work is this belief that relationships are hard. And we believe that due to one primary reason.

Our metric of success is based on what we've seen everyone else do. Imagine how you would honestly feel if you heard the following about another couple. Okay, I said honestly, okay? I heard they don't even sleep in the same bed anymore. They claim they never want to get married. I don't think they ever plan to live together. Would you think to yourself, it sounds like they have some serious issues? If we're honest, a lot of us would.

And it's not because we're not open-minded, but we've been taught that these are warning signs for a relationship in trouble. And while they can be for a lot of people, that is not always the case. Relationship experts have found that one of the primary obstacles that couples face are their own expectations.

When we compare ourselves to societal norms, we can develop a sense of resentment toward our partner, as well as a sense of shame for how we ourselves are coming up short. Now, before we really get into this, I have to say that some of us have to reckon with the fact that we may be with the wrong person. And that will be clear if your deepest desire is that your partner change fundamental aspects of who they are,

you really want them to be a different person. But if you're confident that you're with the right person, and you just still feel frustrated and dissatisfied. We may find that rejecting everything we've known about good relationships is the key to actually having one. I work with couples every day, and I help them through relational crises. I remember I was working with an engaged couple for about a year,

and when they first came to me, they said, we're 95% good, we just want to address the 5%. And I hear something to this effect often when I first meet a couple. it turns out that 5% was more like 75% and increasing. They were struggling to make a blended family work. One partner had kids, the other one had never lived with kids before, and they moved in together after only knowing each other for three months. One time I went on vacation, and by the time I got back, they'd called off their wedding.

But why? Their love was honestly, it was evident, and they were not cruel to each other. Their issue was figuring out how to continue building their romantic relationship while also figuring out how to raise teenagers, who, to be honest, already had two very involved parents. They weren't really in need of a third. After a particularly big blow-up over chores and responsibilities, I finally asked a dangerous question. I said, do you think that living together, has hurt or helped your relationship more?

We took a few weeks to explore that question, and they decided to test it out. They got a short-term lease on an apartment nearby for the partner who didn't have kids, and we were really strategic. We made a contract. Let's talk about dates. Let's talk about expectations while you guys are living separately.

And by the time they came back to me, I'd never seen them communicate so well. They said that they were looking forward to every weekend that they got to spend it felt like a vacation because they would spend the entire week planning their time together and savoring every moment they had together. They also found that their individual relationships with the kids drastically improved without the pressure of trying to transition them into an entirely new household dynamic, especially when they only had a couple years left

in the house. So at this point, some of you may be asking yourselves, what kind of couples therapist recommends that couples live apart. That's a fair question. And to be honest, for a majority of my clients, this solution would not work. And that is the point. When we're thinking about our relationships, we have to avoid focusing on what is normal.

There's no such thing as normal when we're talking about two unique individuals with their own backgrounds and their own values. For this particular couple, they had to figure out a way to separate their relationship, romantic relationship from what really boiled down to roommate issues. And they had a circumstance that supported the option to live apart. One conflict that comes up a lot of my work is the difference in values between arriving on time and arriving looking and feeling your best. Neither

one is wrong. But I had a great model for this with my parents. When I was growing up, we drove absolutely everywhere separately. everywhere. If you're going to be a little bit late, you arrive with my mom, and if you're arriving on time, you go with my dad. They had too many vans for only two kids. Okay? We didn't go anywhere together. And one time when I was about 12 years old, one of my closest friends finally worked up the courage to ask me about it. And I could tell she was so nervous, like, I was about to reveal to her that my parents were secretly separated, and she just figured it out. You know, now that I think about it, I bet her mom put her up to this.

What's interesting is that her parents did go on to get divorced, and my parents stayed together for 23 years before my mom passed away. Now, do I think that's due to them commuting separately? Of course not. But I think it shows us two things. First, it shows us that any deviation from the norm can be met with curiosity and even judgment. It also, shows us that sometimes when we decide to do things a little differently, we can avoid the difference between having a really challenging day as a couple or a smooth day by simply accepting our differences, not as a couple, but as individuals. Instead of trying to change our partners, what if we instead embraced their differences, our difference in values, and release the

pressure of doing what everyone else is doing? It's okay to be a stay-at-home dad. It's okay if you prefer to travel without each other. It's okay if you need to have your own bedrooms so you can maintain personal space and be sane for each other. It's okay if you want to break tradition and create a new last name. It's okay if you want to share your love on social media, but it's also okay if you want to protect it from public opinion. It's okay if you're in a season of life

where you both just cannot prioritize sex. It's okay if people are confused about your relationship. It was never theirs to understand in the first place. If we continue to accept the narrative that relationships are hard, then we'll continue to do nothing about it. If our relationships feel hard, I encourage us to reflect on what is hard about it. Is it really the relationship,

or is it external factors like our own person? personal trauma histories or work stress. If it really is your relationship, let's really think about what you and your partner are willing to do differently to enjoy it again. I want us to reject everything we've ever known about relationships and challenge ourselves to create a relationship that not only defies expectations,

but honors the peculiarities that make us us. Thank you. That was Stephanie R. Yates Anya Buele at TEDnext in 2024. If you are interested in joining us this year and we hope you are, learn more about TEDnext at TED.com slash daily next. If you're curious about TED's curation, find out more at TED.com slash curation guidelines. And that's it for today. Ted Talks Daily is part of the TED Audio Collective. This talk was back-checked by the TED Research

team and produced and edited by our team, Martha Estefanos, Oliver Friedman, Brian Green, Lucy Little, and Tonica Sung Marnivong. This episode was mixed by Christopher Faisi Bogan. Additional support from Emma Tobner and Daniela Baloerozzo. I'm Elise Hu, I'll be back

tomorrow with a fresh idea for your feed. Thanks for listening. Calgary. also known as the Blue Sky City. We get more sunny days than anywhere in the country, but more importantly, we're the Canadian capital of Blue Sky Thinking. This is where bold ideas meet big opportunity, where dreams become reality.

Whether you're building your career or scaling your business, Calgary is where what if turns into what's next. It's possible here in Calgary, the Blue Sky City. Learn more at Calgary Economic Development.com. too many students are packed into overcrowded classrooms in Ontario schools and it's hurting their ability to learn but instead of helping our kids the Ford government is playing politics

taking over school boards and silencing local voices it shouldn't be this way tell the Ford government to get serious about tackling overcrowded classrooms because smaller classes would make a big difference for our kids go to building better schools.cai a message from the elementary teachers federations of Ontario. Not a billionaire, not a problem. You can still do something legendary by leaving a gift

to charity in your will. Even 1% in your will can change the game for a cause you care about without taking away what you or your family need. It's a powerful way to make your mark. Anyone can leave a legacy. Willpower shows you how. Learn more at willpower.ca.ca.