Tell Em Steve-Dave - #395: Fuller House

Episode Date: December 23, 2018

Christmas trees, Santa rates and Bry becomes testy with a purveyor of hamburgers. Music: TESD - Baby It's Cold Outside

about didn't feel like guilty and just feel ashamed what's that? You could still sell clothing on Sunday. Your podcast has meant so much to us over the years. Thanks so much for all that you guys do. We can't wait to see what the future has. You guys use brand scotch tape or just like all brand scotch tape. Tell them Steve Dave. Hello and welcome to this week's edition of Tell them Steve Dave while we are without Q. He was just here but he had to go. We're doing something special project,

and he left us with some of the heavy hitters of Tellum's Steve Dave Town. You're not only do we have one person sitting in for Q, we have three people sitting in. Three people need to sit in for one Q. Yeah, you're about to find out why we have one Q or three of these guys. So we have Chuck St or three of these guys.

So we have Chuck Staten, our video, film, audio, audio, all the text shit that I would fuck up. Yeah, I hope with a bunch of stuff. That's all you need to know. Get him. Adiol. Fan favorite. Click. And a rare appearance since you lose a far away

Frank five. Hi, hello. Man, Frank five you were here for a special project as well. Should people know what it was? It was, it might have been Frank five rewind. But nobody knows what show we're doing this month. Frank, do you look forward to Christmas? You see them very jolly. Um, there's gonna drop right before Christmas while this is. This will be the last show prior to Christmas. Okay, but I mean, it's nice that we have a full house. It feels warm and toasty like it almost because you're cranked the heat up to me. I'm not gonna be crazy. But this feels like a full house at Christmas time. It's nice. Who do you think's the jolliest amongst us?

Up besides me? Yeah, if you were to take me out of the running. Yeah. Giddim's pretty jolly, you know, and I often go, like, what the fuck is he so happy about? Right, yeah, right. I can't think of a reason I actually I like giving that's Well the constant Christmas I like giving so

But you know what I've never seen Frank five Seryly or Crouchy so I mean the few times I do see him I'm always saying you've never seen him with his wife But the few times I've when I'm in a room when I'm always left when I leave the room like wow that guy's really and Xan in a good place and it's just a nice dude Don't you say that about me too? Yeah

I said about everybody. Yeah, that's why As long as you're in a positive head space as as long as that's your reality, really that's all that matters. Do you like Christmas? Frank five, or is your house decorated right now? You got a tree? My house, we don't have a tree. My house is decorated though. My wife goes all out with the lights and the stockings and all that stuff.

We had a Christmas tree a couple of years ago, but we always end up fighting when it came to decorating the tree. So one year we got into it and I said to her, well, I'm not decorating this tree and I left. Well, my wife's only like four, cut to two years later. Yeah. So here I am. So my wife's like only like maybe almost,

you know, maybe four, eleven, you know, so she's very short. So when I came home, only four feet from the bottom of the tree was decorated, so the top was left bare because she could reach it. Is that legally handicapped? For the height? No, I don't. I'm very too retarded. So I'm talking about here. My wife always told me, because I have a very short wife as well, that she always wondered if she could get one of those parking passes, like parking spot passes,

because I was just like, I don't think so. I said, I don't think that I'm that. I'm not that good. I'm not that good. It's like, legally you could, but morally. Now, when you fight over decorating the trees, like what ornament goes where, like if it's a front of the tree ornament

Or does she banish some of your ornaments to the back of the tree? Yeah, I don't know this one. Yeah, the problem is hanging this ornament with jackpars visibly So weird celebrity. No, I think the part of the problem is the fact that I really don't want to help And I don't think you could care less. We're right. Are you like sitting on the couch just literally throwing the balls and hoping that they stick to the branches?

Well, because she can't reach certain places, so we shall call me off the couch to come and hang this and... So you don't fight about like what's actually getting decorated, you just don't want to be involved? I don't want to be bothered. What about you, son? Do you have a tree in your house? I mean, when that's not bursting through the floor, then through the roof. I used to have a tree. I still have a tree it's down with a basement. Not by choice. It's down with a basement hanging from the rafters.

It's down with a basement hanging from the rafters. It's a roomy. It's just a fake tree. Yes. Okay. I used to hang, I used to put it in my hallway but then my dad's business partner built a bathroom onto the front apartment we have. This is where I shit now. Christmas is over. Yeah. to bathroom on to the front apartment we have. This is where I shit now. Christmas is over. Yeah. That's pretty much it. It was the only spot in my house at the tree.

It hanged in Bistletoe. Yeah. Oh, get it. He's sitting on the ball. What the door open, sister. I know you can see me getting it. I'm under the Bistletoe again. It was the perfect spot for a tree. Like it was right in the view of the front door. I'm under the mistletoe again.

It was the perfect spot for a tree. It was right in the view of the front door. If you walked up to the front door, you could see the Christmas tree, which I think is very traditionally like it's in the foyer. They built off an existing wall we had and made a bathroom there so I couldn't put the tree there anymore. It's been stuck down in the basement. So why not just find another spot in your house?

There's literally no other spot in the... That I believe. Why because of the collier mansion effect? Not, no, it's because there's like no open corner that can accompany like four feet. And I have to move something else to get it to put a tree there. What about a miniature tree?

I already have a tree. Why would I buy another tree? Because your tree doesn't fit anywhere in your house? Yeah, it's in the basement. Chris was warning you runs down to the basement and sits there. It's like a boxer tree. Is it garbage bag over it? Oh, it's all spiders and rats living in this tree.

That's why it's time for the raptors. So the spiders don't get to it. Sometimes I'll have a girl and she'll decorate it And the statins what's uh Honestly, you just said like a Christmas-y type. Oh, I love Christmas I love it. I I mean decorate the tree is one of those things and I'm like, oh, that's fine But I like just decorating my house for Christmas. I go and I look for old Christmas VHS's and like like old movies, like, you know, it's wonderful, life classic ones.

Old Christmas vinyls to put around the house, stuff like that. Now, do you look for like the, someone like the movies, someone recorded, so like all the old commercials are still on it? I like the old commercials. Or you know, but I do the pure taste. But because it's for decoration, you want the cases. So I want the actual VHSs. If people wouldn't be able to tell the commercial

Like my my trees to have a head old disc man set up underneath it with a Speaker's and it was inside of the last time you brought it out when the Well, I just happen to have this disman floating around and it would play Christmas music So like it would play Christmas music around the tree So I don't know maybe you had like a little TV that like just play the same I think that's a cool idea. I think that's a really funny if I you know if I had a Christmas party Like we do like we have the TV over here that plays Christmas Yes, a great idea. What year was the last year you can remember on that tree stood?

I made a Christmas card about it. It was a grinch stole Christmas Christmas card. Just tell me no year Merry Christmas Tell me the year. We're gonna tell me the fucking year. 2000. Very Christmas. 2008 or nine. So it's been almost a decade since you've had a Christmas dream in your house. Wow. We know that I'm glad that we have a Christmas tree up in here that you can come to work every day and sleep.

I enjoy coming in and turning it on. Adding ornaments to it that people send it to. Yeah, that's true. And all those listeners who have sent in ornaments. Yeah. And the Christmas cards. Thank you. I mean, there's some really beautiful ornaments,

some custom made ornaments, Brian, of the only Sunday Jeff show, but my favorite one is definitely the Tom Brady ornament that somebody sent me. Yeah, I saw it get him tweet about it. Yeah, I mean, what says Christmas more than Santa Claus and Tom Brady? Those are the two traditional ones.

I don't even church any more. Delivering Super bowl championships. Yeah, it's under everyone's tree. I had occasion to go to the Flanagan's last year on Christmas Eve. And this tree that they have, very tall and very like, almost like they bought a professionally decorated Christmas tree and then, and just brought it home.

That's awesome. Is that the way it is this year? Um, no, that's our, that's our Christmas tree. That's the Flanagan Christmas tree. We brought it in for the Christmas special. I remember the lock. Nice. That's it.

And, um, but I forgot that a Christmas tree probably wouldn't show up against a green screen. So I just left it in the store. My wife said she wanted to go with a real tree this year for the first time in a long, long time. And she said, you know, you can keep the tree there and then do whatever you want with the tree. Keep it or or chuck it. That's where I was here. We're having a Christmas tree shortage this year right here. I keep hearing this. I think it's true. It is not true. It is not true. I got a tree

from the hardware store in the town we live in and I had passed three places that have so many trees. Edgar in like late November was like, you better get a tree otherwise. You should have been a Christmas for you. And I'm like, I don't know. I see a lot of trees around because I read that in the paper that there was a Christmas tree shortage, but then I heard that news, bro. And then I heard that like the Christmas tree. The war on Christmas. that news, bro. And then I heard that like the Christmas, the war on Christmas. The Christmas tree association, the Christmas tree association was putting out like videos, encouraging people to get real trees because they were getting a lot more people are getting fake trees. Artificial trees, should I say? So what did you think of when there was somebody a newscaster who got in trouble this year for laughing.

When someone suggested that Santa Claus should not just be an old white man. She got in trouble. I think her I think her name was Megan Megan Kelly. She had to issue an apology because she laughed when someone said. Megan Kelly had already gotten fired for. Isn't she a fox news? She asked a question about the black face. Because she laughed when someone said Megan Kelly had already gotten fired for Just a question about the black face She's gotten a lot of trouble. Yeah, Megan so Megan Kelly was like should it be anything other than then you know traditional You know what we know comes to know is Santa Claus? What's it supposed to be then? I mean it like is it supposed to be in

What is it supposed is Santa Claus supposed to be in dry? I guess they're saying I mean Santa Claus should be represent everybody's Culture and everybody's Everybody's you know, it's not look possible. It's not possible. You can't go to the mall and have 50 different This is binary gender fluid and have 50 different, like, oh, this is by an airy gender fluid, fuck it, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

Santa. Can't happen. What is wrong with just being like, this is it? This is the way it's always been. When it was fucking created, it was created as that. So why is it that it's not like

you're gonna take say, Snoopy from Charles Schultz and be like, why isn't it a fucking cat? You should be louder, but the way you're fucking popping the thing you know, you're there. Yeah, like, why should, well, why can't it be a cat? Why can't it be a fucking squirrel?

I think the market should take things. Like if you want to go see cats and if you want to go see cats and us, then then somebody like how to catch Santa. What's cat Santa? Whatever Santa you want. If you want to have a Santa that reminds you of the ancient gods of Egypt, then some smaller store will have that cat Santa and you can go to that cat Santa.

So you're not a traditionalist when it comes to Christmas? Meaning you're okay with like it. Meaning do you? I will continue to go to my traditional looking Santa. If you want to go to some other Santa, find a place that's offering that Santa and then you can go. But I'm not going to pigeonhole everyone into having to believe the same thing. Would you ever consider, like, let's say, when the stash finally shuts its doors and

we're no longer able to be a thriving part of Red Bank? Would you consider becoming a part-time Santa during the holiday season? Consider it a kill for it. Because I think you'd make a pretty good Santa. I was I'm I'm just watching videos on like how they have to learn Sign language and all that other stuff and they go to that there's apparently two competing Santa schools Imagine that you work one month out of the year and you have to learn sign language. Yeah, like do you know sign language? I'm like no, why would I? Well, I guess it's like if you add it to your resume of like what what puts you apart from other Santas like oh

I know you would be able to pad your resume Like not have to pad his frame and still be a good Santa I hired a Santa this weekend for the first time. I've never had to hire one But I had to look them up in higher one. Yeah, your lady is a Santa fetish That's right. We just heard in Santa every year now. That's that's the Santa agency or? Yeah, you basically, there's a couple of websites that you could basically put up.

It's almost like Craigslist, but for jobs, like monster.com, whatever. But there's versions of that for performers. And we put up one for a Santa Claus, and we hire a Santa Claus. Let's all take a guess on what a Santa Claus takes an hour in. What does he pull home?

What did you hire him for? Well, we hired him, we hired him to show up at a comedy show and do the last 15 minutes come on stage and conclude the show with like, basically like being on stage for 15 minutes and that's it. But let's say the pain for an hour now. Yeah, let's say it's paid for an hour because he still has to get dressed up

and has to come there and stuff. However, what do you think a Santa brings in? I don't know, but I'm thinking about trademarking St. Nick without a dick for my new gender flute, Santa Line. I don't think anybody's ever in the history of thinking about Santa Claus ever thought about what Santa Claus's penis would look like. Yeah, I was going to just go say, I don't think anybody has ever ever in their mind ever picture with a new I'm sure there's at least 10 videos online you can find people who wonder

She's like Santa up top Here's my question you walk same situation stash shuts down. And it turns out- I could be your helper, your little elf. Well, no, here's the question. It turns out that you're better off if you have an accompanying elf with you. Like you work as a do-out. Do you and Brie want to be your elves?

No, no, do you want to be- So I'm the same thing? You can use Brie with a Santa when you're being a elf. Yeah, definitely. Well, well, what's the way that before I answer definitely let me hear what he pulls it down in our I'm gonna say 25 an hour. I'm gonna say 30 Frank I'm gonna say it's even higher. I bet you it's probably close to 75 bucks an hour. All right, easy nude Traditional I some other folks an hour Brian you got one. Yeah, he said I said another 15 hour I'm gonna say like 50

Brian you got one yeah you said I said 25 okay, so basically we got a lot of responses and they were like 150 175 200 bucks an hour I mean, I mean this is on December 16th So maybe it's because it's so close to Christmas But the one we hired $75 he said he show up and do the the bit But the one we hired $75 he said he'd show up and do the bit But we asked him last minute if he can comment like 630 and just hang out for like three hours go to the show and he came at 630 fully santa up and his suit and his makeup and everything and he just hung out in the green room

And he just charges 75 bucks. So he did say 75 bucks an hour But he stayed for three hours. We paid him 75 bucks. You got it right here Well, cuz it was me Frank, he got paid $25 now. Yeah, really? I think I was right. Was there any part of you that was like, all right, I'm gonna ask him to come early. I need you to sit here in this room.

I thought he was, I really, but I'm not gonna give you anything extra. Well, I thought he was gonna come to like talk to us, run the, run the bit with us and because we had never met him in person and then just sit in the crowd and joy his night and then go change like 10 minutes before the his bit starts but he showed up at 630 right ago when he sat in the green room with comedians all night it was just a green room of comics and Santa

Claus he probably was like there's gonna be some sort of like green room treats and shit so there was early and eat like there was a fill there was some stuff so that was fun I think he enjoyed it you, I mean he's a performer at heart. Yeah, you know, he kind of He was a good Santa. He was good does it for the love of it. Oh, why don't I go at the end of the night He was I was like, all right man. You leave in and He was like I'm just gonna stick around see if anyone wants some photos And this is like an adult comedy show Yeah, I'm like okay, Pani did but he didn't tell

anyone that he was just very touched and is that man. He's like the mingchen of Santa closest. He was a good dude but uh but really I mean by the way I also do like a leprechaun. Really? Yeah he did. He's like also by the way can I sleep over? Okay, I got another scenario okay, store shuts down. Yes, and we all have to get jobs real Christmas industry in the Christian So bright bright takes the the curb. He has a female elf. Okay me and you work together and Mike and Ming come together as watch be careful Who do you think I know you're gonna have a joke at Mike? No, no, no, I can see the fuck the grin on your face come together and watch be careful. Who do you think you are? I know you're starting up a joke at Mike's. No, no, no, no, I can see the fucking grin on your face.

He's like, Mike and me come together. It doesn't matter if it's Christmas or not. Who do you think we get hired first in today's photo time? Oh, well, yeah. I mean, I think the multicultural duo may have a leg up. But then they have a male female duo. We have the male and disabled duo. No one's going to get a duo. No one's gonna know.

They don't get a shit. They don't even know you're disabled. It doesn't matter the climate. Sex sells, they're gonna want acute elf versus like, Mike and Ming. It depends on where you're from. At a preschool, they're not gonna want a sexy elf. Oh, all right, is it a preschool, get them?

I should have asked. Where are we sitting at a fucking comedy club green room for seven hours? I was gonna say, are you marketing St. Nick without a dick? Because that's gonna change everything. I think we're all just sitting outside on individual benches and we're just waiting to get hired out in front of this. Now shut down. It's like we're all deep off from that. Okay, we're outside the Christmas tree shop.

Whenever a slate pulls up we all run to it. We all undercut each other. Like mad men. Please stop it, don't. I saw it. Brian's getting hired first though, because he looks more excited for us. That's it, it's all there is to it.

We brought Sage to, she said, the other day, and I was, I'm looking at this guy, and I'm like, I could do this. I wouldn't want to do this, but I'm like, I could do this. Yeah, because like so many kids with sickness and shit, you know, germs and all that, the sneeze in your face. When I was yelling, making noise. Yeah, pointing out your boner.

You were supposed to be kidding me. You were supposed to be kidding me. Yeah, that's my false out of the thing. You were supposed to be kidding me. We wrote it on the four, I remember you from last year. That's my false advertising. You're specifically there. We wrote it on the floor. I remember you from last year. That's why. That's why. When I was doing research for some games

that during the years, you know, previous years, TSD Christmas specials, I was trying to look up like horror stories that Santa Claus's may have had, that like a website where they, like Santa Claus has told about like the worst experiences with kids. And I remember there was most of them would guess what the most number one thing that they were like bomb it was up there but it was a

number one it was number one it was number two number one I get number one and two confused it was you're in here consistently get it confused No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, He writes on his palm. It's poop isn't it? I flushed this one. And the first game was born. But it's definitely kids just wedding themselves. You think they're just so scared? I think they've been sitting in line for a long time

and they're nervous and it's their moment to say what they want and they're just like, just can't hold it in. Wow, it's bad. Like you can't even leave the line to like Did ever happen to you I know you were a bed wetter or you were saying a wetter to Like a new offered that up All friends it was confidential It was not it was on a TSD. I was definitely afraid of Santa Claus. Why I I'm a kid I don't know why I was but when they they get me you don't you never really warmed up to Brian I still feel you have never really truly warmed up to him. Yeah, I try You're always nervous and like I was cast downward.

You and you never when you get smacked again. I always thought because I was so it was weird that you never call Brian when we're when it's Bryce not around by Brian. You say Johnson. I always felt that was a not very friendly affectionate way to refer to

somebody who wasn't here. I you I've never called Brian Johnson. Yeah. Like I show Mary Bethatex, and I'm like, why does he want to get close to me? What was it? Why does it call me Johnson? Maybe that childhood fear of Santa Claus.

Yeah, like if I cut it off, you think we'd be better friends? I'm not sure, because I think I might have applied to, I would say the Easter Bunny is, from when I remember, it applied to the Easter Bunny as well. Just costume people and stuff. You're just a pussy, huh?. Just costume people and just a pussy. Yeah I mean you don't even want to see me on Arbor day trees everywhere

It is overwhelming though if you're a little kid, especially if you're like sure Story I could I could I could I can't understand that I'm sympathetic towards this kids got a tough enough Once were you scared of Santa never I ran towards Santa I didn't run from Santa from Santa. I'm like a five. I love kids. A little five. Yeah, I don't I don't remember any friends being afraid of Santa, but I also like I never went to the mall for us. It was always the fire department had a Santa and you would go down there and they

give you like the town would give you a toy or whatever. At least to have the the fire truck would come around with Santa Claus on the back. They still do. Yeah. Yeah. Now that I didn't have a problem with. But I was in the house. Just look at the back. They still do. Yeah. Yeah. Now that I didn't have a problem with. But I was in the house. Just like. But no, I was told by my parents as a child, they got me somewhere here. I was in the basement with a plastic bag over me. You think while the fire truck is bringing Santa around to all the kids in neighborhood and let's say a four alarm breaks out, just saying, go with them or do they drop Santa off at a designated spot? Or do they bring the kids to?

But with them, or do they drop saying, oh, off of the designated spot? Or do they bring the kids to? That'd be great, right? We don't have time to drop these assholes off of it because sometimes they would let kids go with them. I would picture they would probably keep. They're probably out of service. What do you think maybe Santa Claus is probably a firefighter? That's what I was going to say.

Yeah, but I would think that the engine is marked as out of service at that time. So somebody else is covering that area. Well, let's say there's two four alarm fires. Then I guess the other thing, that's the hook. I just have to shed the costume and throw on the car. On Christmas Eve, two four alarm fires. It's Merry Christmas.

Yeah. Look at that. Get them to, how old are you when you, you were like, OK, there's no Santa. And then you didn't have to be afraid anymore. No, really. When I read, by the the time I remember I wasn't afraid of Santa Claus But this is what I'm telling you my my parents told me that as soon as that's why there's like no pictures of me with Santa Claus As soon as they got me or what they told you

You were so scared So this is just blew my mind. This was consistent. This happened multiple times. I'm from when I understand for my parents. Oh, see, I was sympathetic towards the first meeting of Santa Claus. That's all I was thinking about. Like, we need to probably have one. Exactly. That's all I thought. And how old were you when you found out there was no Santa?

Uh, ooh. Like, eight or nine. Like, I started discovering the presence around the house and I tried to convince myself to like Santa was like you know preemptively dropping off presence and that is fucking hard to do when you're 148 right yeah it didn't work I mean that's almost as an impossible task for a 148 to convince himself that Santa Claus then my it's hard to convince me that 148 is

believing that Santa telly's 10 and he's still 148 that's what's hard to believe. Well, that's what's Christmas magic right there. Sometimes you kind of worry if you don't believe your parents might, you know, the presents might dry up. So, that was an act. There you go. But then my father got, my father got smart. He, uh, he was girlfriend switched presents. So, like, I would discover these presents and they were nothing that I wanted.

And that really freaked me out for a year. He's like, they called my dad. And he's like, I'm going to be a they were nothing that I wanted and that really freaked me out for a year. He's like, they called my dad 149. So that's funny. I probably everyone is around that. I can't remember what the term is, but it's, it's something that like sort of flips in your brain and you'll, and you realize there's no way it makes sense.

Well, especially you puberty, he couldn't fit all those yaw, I was like, I got a puberty, I was like, holy shit, there's no salmon. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think it's probably also the... That especially you couldn't fit all those presents into the sled and getting around the whole world and all that shit. There's just something, I guess, I wish I could remember the term, but it's like, fuck. Yeah.

Well, I think that probably every family deals with like a child that has some specific question like that. Like they might be like, oh, we don't have a chimney. How does Santa come to our house? And they must kind of start this ball of lies that takes care of some of that stuff. But yeah, when it gets to the point of like, how does he get around the world in one night?

And that's where it becomes like a lot logistical problem I think people start inferring it. It could also be like you start talking to your friends more at school And there's gonna be the ones that parents have never told them Santa Claus doesn't exist and they tell you and it just it puts that Seed of doubt in your mind. I feel like a dick, but I did when I was a kid I told someone that Santa Claus didn't exist like like a little kid, and it was a big deal when my parents were contacted. I feel terrible. I feel terrible.

Like psycho bullies. When you're an adult, now you go back and you go find that person out of apology. I know I should. I should. That's the kind of stuff that it takes a lot of burden off you then. Yeah, I should. I could feel about it.

Frank five, what's on your wish list for Christmas this year? Do you have something that you're hoping that's on the tree? You know wife's cadaver. No more decorate for me. Trap door by the front door. Yeah, you know, there really isn't anything that I want. I'm more, I like trips. So instead of buying me a gift or anything, let me just go somewhere. Yeah, look, just go out and trip. So you're asking for a trip? Yeah, well, I mean, nothing big. Like maybe, you know, just a day trip. Day trip, you know, just being able to go somewhere.

Day trip is cool. Yeah, day trip. Yeah, day trip. But what it's on your top of your list, get them. Uh, I can't think. I just want to break even. What does that mean? Like, what I put out for Christmas is this.

That's definitely the Christmas spirit. I'm going to lose my shirt on this year. It's going to be a beige Christmas spirit. It's like, just neutral. Nothing good, nothing bad. Yeah, a little bit of money, a couple of pieces of clothes, so that nothing's going to waste, and then I'm happy. But you're mine for a lot of people.

I try to buy them. You know how shitty that is though to say out loud that you're like, I hope I don't lose out and spend more on people than they did on me this year. Do you know how fucking awful that is to say aloud? No. I didn't know that's what he meant when he said break even like financially. That's fucking crazy.

That's fucking scrooge like man, you're gonna have three freaking ghosts visit him that is a weird answer how many people do you buy for though I did a 24 24 bottles of wine so yeah with other people yeah that's what I tried that's what I usually aim for you. Yeah, why? Yeah, why you buy not certainly not why you make No, why not buy those big fucking feet all over your You don't really do is no great put escape those fucking no, you can be measured watermelon I'm telling why I know I don't shit. I never seen that video that lady falls out of the grapes. It's like the news gets there. Frankenstein's laughing at his YouTube video.

Oh, oh, oh. I put my Christmas card around the neck of the bottle of wine, and then that's, you know, I give it to people, and you know, they hopefully pull out the card and take a look at it. Now what if you know people don't drink wine? Do you still give them wine anyway? Yes, I get red wine so that they can cook with it because that's, I don't drink wine, but I can.

So I can expect fucking wine even though you know I won't cook or drink it. You can give it a try. That's pretty much. I've not loosened out on this. I already bought 24 bottles. It's how he's bringing me in. You're gonna fuck with my profit margin. I'm gonna fuck with him make money in this Christmas.

That's great. I gotta be in the black. I don't understand. Like, do you think wine is like the go-to gift? Because you do it every year? Yeah. Are you telling me it isn't? It's pretty unoriginal.

Every single year to get the same gift, you don't want to get it. It's different bottles of of wine different kinds of wine All back what's the average cost per bottle? Oh look talking rock gut here. I tried 10 to 11 dollars a bottle So so he's so you invest in your your in all-in for about why about a hundred and no about 250 bucks? Yeah, and your cost of his cards. Ooh, yeah. Well, I usually get a deal on it because I designed it myself and get a printed lipstick.

Like, saying all this out loud, he's like, I'm being too generous. No, I'll be, if there's a sale, I'll get a $15 bottle of wine if it's down to sale for like $11. So I just go for the price point. No, I don't drink wine, but I have heard that like these like oh, it's a

$10,000 bottle wine is bullshit like $10 bottle wine might taste just as good. I guess that I don't drink it like I just cook with it Make a big pot of red sauce or something and so Yeah, you probably have something that you're Hoping that Santa will leave under your tree when you wake up on Christmas. I'm hoping it's that last ghost. I'm not a mother fucker. No, I already got something. I already got something.

Mary Beth got me a GoPro. Why'd she give it to you so early? For my birthday. I had something and Christmas because it's expensive. Plus I was like, I want to make a 60. I'm just going to say something. Wow. What about you? Plus I was like, damn, I want to make a sexy. I'm like, wow. What about you, anything?

I asked for a Bluetooth speaker, so I can listen to music when I take a shower. Yeah. This is definitely how small you are. Do you guys think maybe like, I'm a shower and I could listen to the songs I like? I was just going to one of those the other day at a shop right. Like, you were gonna think about getting it for me?

I didn't realize you wanted one. I was just thinking about you. I was thinking about you in the shower and I was like, you like music. I forgot to mention that usually with my bottle of wine in the car, there's another little gift that usually comes along with it. It used to be a grab bag, that's what the Santa Sack was for. So, you went in the sack that we saw on the Christmas best. Fucking covering shit all over it. So you would take out the bottle of wine and flip it back in the car. It would have a little code that would represent what you got from the Santa Sack.

But this year I'm just, uh, that's very convoluted. Yeah, I don't probably get it. When's the last time you, like, do you take a bath ever? Like, I'm just trying to imagine you're in a bathtub. Do you, do you like ever get in a bathtub and just like soak, like, candle, drink some of the wine that we wanted from you? No, I take showers, almost. There's only showers?

Yeah. I feel like I've had a big enough bathtub with some jets and shit. I would take a bath with me. I've tried hot tub. The whole guy took me away. Yeah, like a hot tub or a few days. Hot tub isn't a bathtub.

It's, it's, there's other people in it. It's usually, you can go to a hotel. Sometimes there's those hot tub bathtub, like, combinations. Yeah, there's a one in it. It's usually in a hotel. Sometimes there's those hot tub bath tub like combinations. I see the one on TV that the one you walk in and then it's got the little door closes and it fills up. It's for old people. It's so. I assumed you living on a farm, you would have one of those

bath tubs outside. This woman holds. You see, huh? And then how do you go junctioning? I'm going to step in anding. I'm just kidding. That's just a barrel. There's like, oh, and cross. He's taking it in the back.

I was just discussing with somebody's getting cleaner. It just is going back to Chuck, you're lucky that you weren't arrested for telling kids that there was no SANA. This was in Arizona. This was in Arizona. A kid went, I mean, a guy was arrested for trespassing at a North Texas church after telling children that SANA clause is not real. Wow. And it happened during a breakfast with SANA. Oh, Jesus.

Yeah, so he went in and told a bunch of, always one of three men protesting outside the church. They were asked multiple times to leave the property. Two of them lived with this guy or Bansky refused and continued to cause a disturbance. And when people were going into the church, he said, do you let your kids believe in a fake Santa or do they know who Jesus is? Which is like two totally separate questions.

Yeah, they think about it. When I told them not to ruin Santa and Christmas for my kids, they started to shout out believe in a fake Santa or do they know who Jesus is. Which is like two totally separate questions. I think about it. When I told them not to ruin Santa and Christmas for my kids, they started to shout out that Santa was not real and I was wrong for teaching them that. That dude needs to be arrested. That dude's just being a jerk off. I'm with you, man.

I'm with you. I'm with you. To ruin Christmas on fucking Santa. What do these kids do to you? Like, kid, are you out there what did these kids do to you? Like you know you after protesting the children. Why are you ruining the magic for the kids? I think like technically I think he should be allowed to say it shouldn't be a Being a dick is not against the law and you shouldn't really make it against law But I'm so glad that they got him for trespassing. They're like we'll find a way around it

I mean, yeah, yeah I'm so glad that they got him for trespassing. They're like, we'll find a way around it. And they did. Yeah, it's like the calendar. Yeah. How old were you when you told a kid it was just saying? I think I told someone when I was like 10, like 10 or 11, like very, very young, like probably right when you find out. Like it was almost like news to me. It was almost exciting to find out.

You shouldn't hold that in, you know, and torture yourself over and give yourself like torment. He's like, he's a cutter. He's like, there is no need for you to carry that guilt. You were a kid. I didn't know any better. This was... What the fuck? This was... Oh, is this New Jersey? I mean, the second. Montville? Yeah. Substitute teacher in Montville told first graders that Santa isn't real and he didn't stop there. He also dismissed the Easter bunny, the tooth fairy, the elf on a shelf and

even leprechauns. Wow. And it was a female teacher. Who did it? I don't know why I would assume it was a guy but I just assumed it was a guy. The student had written that Santa is real. She felt compelled to tell a student that Santa is not real. And then that opened the floodgates and she proceeded to bunk at all. The first grade. The first guy was religious, it was for religion, right?

And this person's probably not. No, this just seemed like she was, I I mean teacher that snapped. Yeah, yeah. Just general inconsideration I guess. First graders that love first graders. First graders so they're young enough that you can be like oh they were just joking and the kid may believe it. Yes. You're 148 you're gonna be like you're going to have to challenge to try to not realize that they were telling the truth. Yeah, you're just going down the line not real, not real, not real, not real. Yeah, like nothing's real and these kids must be like their minds are blown.

They're like, what are you nuts? What are you talking about? Of course they're real. I go to sleep, there's money under my pillow. Yeah, I wake up, there's presents under a tree, where there's fucking eggs in a basket. So fuck you. Yeah, you know, maybe first graders are just like I was you know, you could convince them that she was kidding But what would a scumbag? Oh, yeah, oh my god, what a scumbag. I mean, again like you can't arrest her But she's definitely gonna get fired and that that shit today is gonna follow you Everywhere like that's gonna be marked down right? Well, no as soon as they go through your name

Boom, that's the first thing that pops up Like why did you answer you the same? So and so who told first graders that's the biggest money Um, so what did she do that for you man? You would have been a less frightened child. Yeah, it's just a dude. It's just a dude. Yeah There was uh well, it, here's Megan Kelly's problem with like Santa is white, because it wasn't just Santa, she's like, hey, guess what, Santa and Jesus are both white,

which doesn't help your case, like because you're like, okay, well Santa clauses is real as Jesus, right? Is that so whatever, if they're both white, just a matter of what Megan Kelly says. Yeah. They're both white, doesn't matter what Megan Kelly says yeah like they're both white All right, so Megan Kelly says now. Why would you be upset by that? Yeah? Why the fuck would you be upset because some pendant on Fox news is like

Hey, guess what these two people are white and it's like well, it doesn't make it so especially when you're watching Fox news It's like I you know, maybe you're watching a different channel, but this is this kind of stuff I think you would have come to expect from a Fox News. Like, how the fuck are you offended by that? I just don't understand. You honestly are questioning how anybody's offended by anything in today's day and age? Yeah, I mean, she's obviously saying it just to,

I guess she's like trolling. So the kids are calling it these days. Frank five. Yeah. And if only they could have found some a Santa's tweets for about 20 years back That might change the matter She oh well actually, I mean, I'm not really familiar with Megan Kelly, but um She it was she says I'm a straight news anchor. I'm not one of the opinion hosts the way we do it on Fox News channel

Is the straight news anchors like us give a hard time to both sides? She doesn't work for Fox anymore. No, not anymore. I guess she was trying to like, I mean, she left Fox to get in want to NBC for like a mammoth contract. Oh wait, was this regretted almost immediately? Was this the, who was the lady who, who just called somebody like their, uh, butt boy? That was on another, uh, news channel. Well, I'm SMBC. Wasn't that also a Megan? No, I don't know. I forget her name. Yeah, her name is. Yeah, but she got in trouble.

She had to apologize for that. She apologized, but she didn't get fired. Which I, which I, which I was a fireable offense, the butt boy. But, well, you know, the butt boy is like, I know what it is. I mean, but it's a homophobic slits. It definitely is, but I don't think you should lose your job job though. No, but there's a lot of people that are like, oh, it's only fair like This one got fired so now she should get fired to justify other No, no, no, let's nobody get fired for saying that kind of shit. Let's not fire fucking Kevin Hart for tweeting about gay stuff right in years ago I fucking Kevin Hart for tweeting about gay stuff right in years ago. Mika brezz. Yeah, that was named Mika.

Yeah, she called Secretary of State, Mark Pompeo, a wannabe dictator's butt boy. But the way is weirdly vague though. Like, obviously, we know what it means, but it's not hateful. You know what I mean? Isn't like houseboy or? Yeah. It's something that like, it's something you're probably saying high school.

Like, I can have my way. It's so juvenile. It's so juvenile like it's something you probably say in high school Sometimes I get very about the time you up and call me bup boy Humiliate me in shit like I got some letters that we some left over letters from the Christmas special I figured I would save every letter. I want everybody to know that I didn't throw one letter away and I figured throughout the year Um, we would open the letters and maybe we would have a Christmas in July special All right, we would do we were run a second Christmas In July and we would you know read some of the letters as well you want to open one up frank and read the letter Yeah read who it's from not their address though

Okay, so this one is from You you have those uh those restrictions in place about knowing that address is allowed with it on our yard. It's a certain people. It's from Nebraska. Nebraska Ant. Who I believe I won some prizes for. Do you want to read this one? No, no, you go.

I'll read this one. I'll read this one. I'll get this one. Go ahead. Yeah. Okay. The prizes that came to that door. I know. So this one says...

Do you have a moment to contact you? Dear Santa Brie, Santa Wal and Santa Quinn. There's three questions. How did you find out Santa wasn't real? And when? How? Did your religious beliefs change during the holiday season? And this one says, Walt always touts his fastest

regift story. Brian Q, what was the fastest you have regifted an item? Well, since Q's not here, you'll have to answer that a solo, Brian. I don't see you much as a regifter. Maybe in your advanced age, maybe you've found the, it's a little bit easier to

regift something. Oh, I thought you meant I'm like, did I buy this for someone? Someone buy this for me. I mean, because it's a lot easier just to regift something, you know. Yeah, I don't really get that much stuff. I mean, I gave away the GoPro. It's probably I shouldn't see that. To the mail man. Like, oh, shit, I forgot his tip. What's it? Yeah. Yeah, I'm like, fuck, did you get that card? No, this is not one of my more powder moments, but when I was 16, it was Valentine's Day.

16, young Bry Johnson. Mm-hmm. And my girlfriend gave me a rose. Like in school, you know, you could pay a couple bucks and send a rose and she sent me a rose and then I took that rose and gave it to the girl I was cheating on her with. Oh.

Oh. Thank you. Thank you, Lisa. Wow. I already said it's not one of my proud ones. Wow. So it wasn't like within seconds, but it was within hours.

Why? Why, I think you did that. Because I'm like, look, what a great guy. I'm like, I got you this flower. But what about you didn't feel like guilty and just feel ashamed? What's that? What's that?

No, I didn't care. Because I'm sure that by that point she had done something to me So in my mind I was like you're being punished She never knew it. Well you look back at me like it even makes sense because I'm like you're being punished But I never told her so yeah, she wouldn't know. She's worked her salt. She should have figured it out Yeah, so that was probably the fastest the The fastest regift? Regift, yeah. It's most memorable one probably too, right? Oh, definitely. Yeah, I don't really think I still get you.

Does it still give you a charge or are you not? I'm just gonna be still going off. I mean, I'm adjusting myself right now. It's just... This Valentine's Day, I'm like, maybe I'll look what I got, yeah. It's just like... It's the same rose kind of gave me. The rose says to Johnson.

Yeah. All right. So let's read another one. All right. Bobby tattoo. Bobby tattoo. Oh, wow. What's a nice card. Yeah. And Ron. Wow. Oh, look at this. I think it is. It's like a book. Well, the effort he went into though. Wow. You gotta read it.

Peanut fabric can be iron on flat a sprinkle can be washed as they're being ironed on. Okay. All right. It looks like one of the notebooks in seven and shit. It's like a slam look. Yeah, the kind of guy who's gonna tell kids his notes. Santa Claus. He tore into that envelope pretty hard. Are you guys careful openers or you just tear the book? Go ahead at heart.

Yeah. Is that really a question fucking worth asking? Cut me off. I ahead at heart. Yeah. Is that really a question fucking worth asking? Cut me off. I'm not making a joke. I'd be like, how do you open your office? I didn't realize I had hot dogs. Do you have a filter from the bathroom? Well, the look I showed like a letter opener this Christmas was. Well, the look on your face in response to that question is the reason this podcast needs video.

Yeah. Oh, his face is really like, am I hearing what I said? Am I stroking out? Or is he really saying these words? Well, I was just going to discuss this one man who doesn't wrap his presents. Can you read it? Oh my gosh. It's just like, Is it like beautiful handwriting?

And you know what Bobby you did a Fantastic job on your card But it's just too long we're gonna open up another later Here's one with Snoopy and it is a great job though Bobby. I will say that Put that one in the case, right? Yeah, that one's going up on the mantle this is from Vanessa Espinoza. Oh, and Daven McChain. That's how you do it. The man.

Oh my God, it's even smaller than Frank. Oh, man. Well, in all fairness to these people, you didn't ask them to send cards being like, Merry Christmas, you're like, write shit out so that we can answer it. All right. So this one says to Bri, Walt, BQ, your podcast has meant so much to us over the years.

Thanks so much for all that you guys do. We can't wait to see what the future has. And so you guys use brand scotch tape or just like all brands. It's like, oh, press, got you. Ah, ah reindeer caretaker or a toy making out. That's a great question. That is a really great question. Chuck, what would you be? What kind of elf would you be? I think I'd like to be a toy maker, right?

Isn't that the most fun one? Most diversity? A lot of work. It is a lot of work, maybe. You don't think that they move around from different types of toys? I think if you're good at making a Barbie, you're fucking stuck making Barbies for the rest of eternity, motherfucker.

Right, yeah. If they're not like, hey, Chess, what do you wanna do this Christmas? They're like, fuck back by the Barbie. You're a Barbie, that's the bar. Yeah, you're right. I was thinking of the opposite way, man. I don't know.

I don't know, maybe he's still a toy maker. Maybe I'm just getting good at making those barbies. And you know, year 10, I'm making a A plus Barbie. You know? What kind of outfit do you want to be now? So it's toy maker? So it's just making toys though. I like this, you can be in the stables with the reindeer.

Right. You know? Or the houseboy. Then they say one of the options with Mrs. Claus. Do they say that? Houseboy elf. For Mrs. Claus. Houseboy elf.

Houseboy elf. For Mrs. Claus. Okay course, Mrs. Claus. Okay, guys. You could be in the kitchen making Santa Claus pancakes and hot chocolate and marshmallows. Eat Santa, eat. Well, here's the thing. Okay, so I'm definitely not skilled enough to make toys. I just couldn't do that. I was fucking all up.

It would be all the fucking tools and toys that cause an assembly line to shut down again. Yeah, they're like, and John Sennel is fucking on the, off the rails again. That's just splitter. down again. Yeah, they're like, and Johnson Elf is fucking on the on the wall off the rails again. That's just splitter. Yeah, early December. They're like, right, let's see what you've got. I'm like,

well, it was a pile of fucking broken shit here. Yeah, they would all be misfit toys if I made them. The house boy, now Mrs. Claus is requesting the house boy. Right. She doesn't want somebody who looks like me. Right. She's already had enough of fucking dudes and whitebeards. Yes. Yeah. She's looking for like more of a hunky like houseboy. She doesn't want somebody who looks like me. Right, she's already had enough of fucking dudes and whitebeards. Yes.

She's looking for like more of a hunky like houseboy. Frank Fah. Sorry, I'll do it. Frank Fah, you beat the Mrs. Claus house elf. I could pleasure somebody once a year. You can't. You can't do it now. Basically, twice on leap year.

So yeah, I'm going to probably be in charge of reindeer shit and you know clear it up reindeer Yeah, they're like, oh, I don't care how fucking cold it is Oh, outside of clean up that reindeer shit Do you think Santa Claus reindeer's defecate? I wouldn't think they're magical deer's I don't think they defecate So you don't think Santa Claus or any of them like it makes sense? There's no plumbing in the north pole I think elves have human parts So what do I do just brush them in shoot? Yeah, just like a file their antlers make sure their antlers don't

shoot Yeah Put the harness on them now Brian's doing that That means like you that would have been your job. I think I have a prior previous category I think I was experienced my resumeigree. I think I have a previous experience. My resume is a little more patting out. You can shove your fist in them like they do with those horses. Yeah.

And to get them pregnant. No. No. There's a good thing here. You can stick it in a ton of pole. Arms frozen, too, so. What's that process called when you stick your up to your armpit? Four plays. What's the call they when you stick your your opt to your armpit for place

What's the call they do artificial dissemination? Put like a sleeve on and you're like touching every Like when you're competing Yeah, they're inside No I could I could I can feed them water, take care of them. They don't need to feed them water, they're magic. If they're not taking shits, I'm not doing that.

I've already got the brush, so that's not a problem. Well Sam's got to eat and I can picture that the ranger after eating. But maybe you can groom Santa. There you go. There you go. How do I eat groom? You got a massage, I mean, shittys like took out a little towel over his ass Colby's being

And then almost you just like Oh I think I would be like writing letters back to the kids and drawing little drawing little things on the car. You're being administrative. Yeah. I'd make sure the mail... I'll give it as an option, but... You got to make a job of your own.

Yeah. All right, and let's go on to it. I don't want to... Since she got a question, let's give somebody else a chance. I know she... And she sent a lot of questions in and the first one was awesome, but I give everybody a shot here. All right. Here's it's air mail from Australia Yeah, let's let Thomas that person paid a lot of money to get it here. Yeah, Petruci Petruly They celebrate Christmas I think so.

Summins. All right, dear Walt, Brian Q. Mary Christmas from here in Australia, from us here in Australia, for us it's summer and not unusual for it to be 104 degrees. My question is regarding comics gate of movement against the current social justice warrior trend in modern comics. I don't read comics anymore, but apparently the trend is to reinvent classic heroes in a new woke form. Example, the Hulk is now an Asian woman. Is that true? Yeah. What does that have to do with Christmas? I'm not sure they celebrate Christmas in Australia, because this question is really not Christmas.

Hey, let me tell you something. I was in Australia over Christmas, and it's like, is it Christmas? Like, nobody decorated? It's interesting. Yeah, that question really isn't Christmas related on our Christmas party. I'm sorry.

No, I thought it was a fault, right? Sorry. But again, I appreciate you sending it in an air mail. That must have cost you were a fault, right? All right. But again, I appreciate you sending in an air mail. That must have cost him a pretty penny, right? Yes, so. I want to see you now, right, Jennifer? I just want to call his people. I like this envelope, though.

Yeah. Oh, man. K-school theme. Cold-call cuss out. Katie Wickey. Wilkie. She was for also. It looks like from an international letter, right? That's from Canada, right? Yeah. I think that's cute. Nice handwriting. Nice penmanship. The administrative alphabet. I appreciate it. I'm like some chocolate. Oh, look at this big handwriting. There you go. All men like me. There you go. Big dentists.

Oh my god. This is a great question, Brian. Okay. This is a fantastic question to everyone. It looks incredible. It's written and crayon too. Like this is real old school. This is Katie Gott.

She got what we were looking for. Don't take that offensive. The dude from Australia. Thomas. You know, I found this something. The crykey! We offended somebody's mother recently online. So much so that she's like,

I'm never listening to Thomas do, David. And all we said was we didn't get the letter. We didn't understand what a white elephant was. It was enough to send her a package. Fuck. All right, dear Briewalt and Frank, Gidham and Chuck, even though it really is a CQ, can you please discuss, and we have,

and your girlfriend can weigh in this too, because what would a great girlfriend get her man for Christmas? Ooh. Should I go, bro? The most expensive one? Yeah. All right, well, I would let while you think about it, and then we'll answer it and then we'll then we'll get a female's point of view. Okay. What do you think, Brian? What's the perfect thing? A girlfriend, not a wife. Not a wife, but a girlfriend. Yeah. And I think a wife has a different obligation than a girlfriend.

Yeah. I think a wife has a different obligation than a girlfriend. A lot more money you got to spend on your wife. Yeah, girlfriend, you could go, everything's so expensive. I think you could go, like, if you knew that someone likes a certain band and get them some tickets, like, to me, that would be a really good thing. Like, you set something up for that person. You know what I mean? Like, you get tickets and you're like, okay. I'm eating Greek. Maybe, not necessarily, but okay, here are the tickets. Here's how we're getting there.

Here's where, like they just take care of everything for that one night. Nice, that's classy. Sounds like a boyfriend may have given that out at one point, huh? Oh no. Or so many times without reciprocation. Not not not.

Present comedy excluded. Okay. All right. Get him. It's. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. I. at the time. And I still have it. It's my iPod shuffle. Okay, so let's say it's not 25 years ago and people are still using iPods. Let's say it's now.

Katie should get her boyfriend and iPod. Yeah, go on eBay. Depend if he wants iPod. My last ex, she got me some socks for Christmas and they're amazing socks. Socks for her because I know you're a sock man. No, they were for me. They're looks like he's the one who got sucked in the mouth All right, yeah, yeah, they're the red be on their red head socks with a lifetime warranty where they wear out Katie don't get your man socks

Long what if he wants socks on interesting and just mundane bro Okay, yeah, socks are something you can bring home like hell is, I was at the store, I know you like socks. Your grandmother get you socks. I wish my grandmother got me socks. I mean, all right, gave me glasses. Where was alive? But that's the kind of gift you get from a relative, you mean?

No, I think, I think the partner, it's, it's not something more significant, more touching. It's not something you're soul. Would you be married today if you gave Deb socks during the, the wooing period? No. No. I think it's dependant. We Deb socks during the, the, the, the, wooing period? No. I think it's dependant. What if a lifetime guaranteed time?

Where you going? You're really nice socks. Frank five, you got to be able to top socks. You're going to ask this guy. I know, I'm really on chip wise. Well, I mean, still, even with his history and what he's told us, he still should be able to top socks. You should give your wife a step ladder,

so you won't bug your next trip. It's right. But we don't have the tree anymore, so that's solved. Oh, it's over. I don't know. I think, like I said, I like trips, so I'm kind of going along with what you said

where a surprise to go someplace. You know, I remember one time my wife and I, we were Christmas shopping and I said to her, do you want to go and get something to eat? And she's like, yeah, I said, well, where do you want to go? She goes, uh, any place by the water. So she sleeps when we drive into cars. So she fell asleep in the car and I drove to Niagara Falls. And when she woke up, we were at the border and it took her for dinner. Aren't you right right around the corner from Niagara Falls? It's about, it's about three hours away. Oh, it's still a little bit.

Okay, so that's okay. I thought it was. You were supposed to leave her to do a drug or like how could you be sure she wasn't going to fuck it wake up? Well, you know what I did? I turned the heat up so she would stay asleep and then I would set the clock back. So if she did wake up she'd look and think that she was only asleep for a couple minutes. Okay.

And then he put the car in drive at the ramp and just let it go. Let it go. Something couple minutes. Okay. And then he put the car in drive at the ramp and just let it go. Let it go. Something like that, a surprise. So you call this the Susan Smith. That's it. Chuck, I gotta go with Frank and Brian. I mean, you gotta look at like basically, what is a person like and then kind of figured out

from there. So if it's a band, maybe if it's like a restaurant, a location, like, you know, I'm sure if like your wife's surprised you would like, oh, we're going over a month for a weekend, and we're gonna go and try these two restaurants or what's something that you like. And she's like, I'll stay home. I'll be like, all right.

But that's to me, that's the best thing. You're not something like, oh, I got us tickets for Momma and I'd be like, why the fuck would you get me to for a museum? Yeah, yeah. Is it a free any? You're gonna go up and then what you know they like. Yeah, you know, that's I think. Now I'll answer and I'll let Mary Beth answer,

but I would make your boyfriend something. I know that a lot of people are artistic, but I think, you know, if you... I remember when you were you painted dub in this picture, yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I painted that picture. She still has it, she's still saved it. So it can be something that people will look back upon because as you put effort into it

You put time into it. You just didn't go to the store married both. I painted this for you She would not want my painting Mary Beth. I painted the bathroom ceiling. Can you clean it? But I mean like I said you only have to have a lot of artistic talent. As long as you put your heart and soul into it and make it something that, you know, special, I think that they will appreciate it. And it would just be the real life version of Santa's toy shop from here. It's a smash shit everywhere.

But I'm curious to see what a female thinks. I agree. Mary Christmas. She's probably right. Something like putting the Santa Claus' to hire again. What would you really give him? With Brian, he doesn't buy things for himself except if they're like fun, really expensive posters or toys or stuff like collecting.

I remember that motherfucker was buying pens that were like $50 at a 10-a-clip. But stuff like clothing, it's like he'll, it's like he needs sweatshirts, but you know finding these sweatshirts is like, I don't want to buy it, you know, I'll get something for a sage or you or something else, so it's like stuff like that. If I can remember, it's like, oh, you need this, this, this, and this, and they just compile the stuff that he's not. He won't buy for himself. The stuff I'm like, this isn't worth buying. Yeah.

That sounds very similar to socks. Yeah, we're getting deleted. Get the redhead socks from Bass Pro Shots. Life I warranty. Yeah. He's like, what kind of cloud? I fucking can't stand this shit man. What?

They do this all the time like grub hub or dork. Like, it's fucking around the block. It shouldn't take over an hour. They might be doing that Uber, like, they do that a retail or a sale or a sale or something. Yeah, they got their own drivers over there. But sometimes they're busy. They go through out of fucking Wednesday night.

Hey, I ordered quite some time ago. I'm right around the corner from you guys. Can you tell me why it's not here yet? Why is it cooking right now? It said it would be here by 1153 and it's I mean we're around the corner time, man Yeah, all right. Nope, thanks. Fuckin' Jesus Christ, man. We got it. We have to do until the food gets here and we'll open another one. That's how it is. I can't.

That's how it is. I can't. I feel like I'm fucking jolly, man. How'd we open it? We're really close. We're really close. I don't want to hear it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. I'm not going to be able to do it. Yeah, how go ahead Frank? Right, we're open. Okay. Probably on the inside.

We're really, so that's it. We're really busy. That's like, I don't want to hear it. Wow. That's, wow. That's crazy. Artwork, it's the year without Santa Claus and the heat miser.

And that's also, that was the, oh my God, this is some great artwork. Now this was what I was talking about when I said that if you put your heart and soul and do something artistic, it makes an impact. Who is this from, Frank? This is from A Ferguson in California. It's wonderful artist man. Yeah, just tears in open. I like how much effort people put in.

We want to throw this stuff away. Really, and I didn't, like I said, I'm not throwing them away. And then it's it. We want the stuff away. Really, like I said, I'm not throwing them away. And then it's simple. And then a simple question. And if you didn't put this much work into it, well, you should've gone through it. There's no question to it. It says, this was meant to be for the Christmas pod,

but I was too late. So now it's a Christmas card. Didn't want it to go. Didn't want it to go to waste happy holidays. Amanda. Happy holidays, Amanda. Oh, wow. It's still nice that she's still sent it in though in a priority My envelope too Here's another Awesome she could have saved a little postage since we didn't read it for two months

Yeah, but I don't want anybody to think that just because we didn't read them on the Christmas special that We chucked them or we're not going to read them in the future because we will go to this well quite often. So wait if that's possible. Maybe every weeks. Are one of these two, Brian, one of these two? I'm sure the guy with the father, the guy, the ice guy, is definitely Brian and I guess that's cute as heat miser. Oh fire fighter heat miser, okay. I was curious and before we go to get you another letter, what you think about this, this happened. Squares of red clad revelers, on leached chaos,

on the streets of Hoboken, during Saturday, Santa Conn, this was a couple of weeks ago. Fourteen people arrested of four cops landed in the hospital. A guy got arrested for dislocating a cops' thumb, during a brawl. So basically basically it was It was St. Paddy's day except in December and every like a whole bunch of people dress up like Santa They get wasted and then start fighting

official Santa's no, I think you just dress up as Santa and then you go and you get drunk Any excuse to get drunk. I is uh... enough for most people yeah it doesn't even rowdy i mean just give them an excuse and it's after five o'clock time to drink it's such a here's the picture where they're all dressed up like san right like do i feel like the only person that may do this like you seem like the kind of guy you might dress up like san and go like revel i really do the like too much dress up stuff like that's a little bit outside of my wheelhouse

I mean someone could probably convince me. I don't drink. I don't drink. I don't drink like it's not like I'm like Like I'm too to learn yeah, I'm a T total. It's just I don't often drink right you know It's just not something I do it's to excess. No, not really at all But I could be convinced to go dress up as a Santa and have fun What about you again? Would you dress up like a Santa and go well? You don't really Is there no holiday sacred enough that people won't use it? I hear a lot of people get wasted on Easter It's just right. You don't hear that all very often. I mean, I think people realize that they do it pretty holy day. They're holy. Probably holidays that revolve around

the morning or daytime, mostly are not going to have our lot of bars closed on Sunday too, because usually Easter Sunday. Yeah. Okay. So that makes the bars are closed on Sunday. Yeah. Some places. No, I don't know. There's no blue lows anywhere. Where was I? Where did this happen? They've been, and I know a lot of bars. You can still sell clothing on Sunday. I know a lot of water worlds. A lot of bars sometimes. We're all going to hell.

They bank on the holidays for being a big season for them. Like, you know, like, does the pre-thanks giving, you know, a bark raw? Are the bars filled with sad people around the holidays, like Christmas and everything? On Christmas Day, yeah. Yeah, it's only sad people in a bar. It's either that or people like, they just, they walked out of their family's house

and was like, I need a fucking drink. You know how people like go to hospitals and try to, you know, cheer up sick kids on Christmas? Like, we should start a tradition, we go to bars and cheer up, fucking drugs. Yeah, I think our ass is beat. I I can't help it notice you're a loser I'm here to make it feel better I want Q going wastling at the local bars

Yeah, you ever go Carolyn? I did I was my favorite thing in the school was doing the Christmas Paget. Yeah, that's when they used to call it really Christmas Paget. Yeah, I'm gonna Paget your sake And I enjoy that singing with the like a group of people and you know, well, watching all the parents. Why do you think you stopped in? This you can still join acquire at this stage of your life? There's a choir's out there. I look up for a nice baritone voice But it was no it was something you would do during school So like we'd take you out of class for like so oh for the real reason you just wanted to get out of class

It's like it's just the breaking even version to get out of class. It's like, it's just the breaking even version. If he was in school, yeah. If I'm back to be here, at least I don't have to be in a class. You're 148. Why aren't you just showing off in a class or while you're fucking wits? Like, why are you leaving class? Will you be pollining students left and right?

A letter? A letter? A letter? I remember going caroling with the church. I was pretty young and and it's a word you do not hear that often anymore or a term. We would go caroling to all the shuttons which normally meant like 80 90 year old women who lived alone. They don't leave their house. Their house smelled completely fucked up because they never left it. Yeah, yeah, it's like they're just basically waiting to die in their own home. Oh, man shuttons

Somehow the church always knew they're like here like the saddest people on earth Go hang out with them Go sing to them and watch their feet like if I'm a shudden, you know, I'm 80 I have no family nobody cares about me, I never leave my house, nothing's making me feel better. Certainly not having to get up, go to the door, and be like, you know these assholes are gonna sing to me? Like, fuck off, man.

Are they stand here and take it? Yeah. Are they supposed to tip you or something when you're done? No. They want to figure you putting, that's according to the song, right? You're supposed to like, you're probably are supposed to give them some kind of like food

or drink or something Or it would be a cold day in hell before I eat whatever a fuck a shutting was make it like 100% has traces of cat food in it The plank was out with more hair than my Santa sack Then you're sick We got here boys wax seals wax sealed Little mini topic envelopes from who get them? Wow. De-bishop.

This is old, this is like something that like, you know, a Christmas Carol, you know, you would, this is old school, this is like before radio, this is how people use your mouth in the wax and the other way around. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of seal is it? It's a wax seal. No, I know it's wax, but what's on it?

Looks like a left hand or no right hand. Is that a heart? Not a hand. It's like a no heart in the hand But this one says for TSD eyes only That would be eligible to open this stuff. I guess everyone else's ears if we're gonna read it right? I fucking hate you. You're so much I guess everyone else is ears. If we're gonna read it, right? I fucking hate you, and you're so much. We're like, it's out the door. Three minutes. Oh, look how awesome this is from. I'm about to call him, be like, don't you want to bring it?

Just don't even make it. Just don't even make it. Oh, fucking god. I'll get a read you this. I'm gonna read you this. I'm gonna make you make your heart warm. 10 times bigger than this. Just like the Grinch.

I just need it to make me not hungry anymore. That's what I need. Make my stomach. Does anybody want that wax? You can't fill up on love. I don't think so. No, your girlfriend's shaking her head now. I'm just like, I've tried.

Dear TSD, I hope you use and enjoy my topics, or if not, enjoy making fun of them. See, this is a nant who gets it. Yes, this is a nant who realizes that, if we're making fun of it, it's because, we're just, Josh, and just kidding around. You should not take it literally and fucking. Yeah, fucking crybaby.

Run away and be like, I'm never listening to TSD in. There are feelings. She says she could listen to TSD seven days a week, and she looks forward to the next eight years and beyond. Mary Christmas Steve Dave from Four Color Demon, 1196, AKA the tap dancing demon. So what is in topic number one? Let me go for walk.

Okay. So what is in topic number one? He vigorously opens an envelope geez. All right Okay, I regret tipping this coxucker ahead of time Come on, come on, Brian. It's a Christmas. Oh, that's true. It's Christmas. Okay. All right. Mark will bribe, come on. Have you ever given a loved one a gift you really thought they really like, but they really didn't?

Oh, good question. Ooh. I mean, they would have to tell you. I know, how'd you know? Yeah, they would have to tell you. So you've never had a relative tell you or somebody gave a gift to any real I couldn't read their face. You couldn't read the room. I have a shameful confession that actually confirms the answer this question

Okay, so my grandmother My Grammy she passed away a few years ago and I worked at like a movie store before that It was called movie stop. It was movie stop, which is like it was owned by GameStop as movies for, you know, and you know, she would be like, oh, I love like I love Lucy and she'd watch I love Lucy and so I'd be like, oh, I got you the whole big box set of I love Lucy. And then she said, oh, I like this and I go, I got you the whole box set of this over a couple years. And then when she died, we got to go through her house and take whatever we wanted and in her closet I found all the DVDs I gave her and never opened and I returned all of them But why maybe she just did not work a DVD. Yeah, I think that's what it was. That's how I would like to remember Grammy.

Yeah, me too, me too. She liked the thought. A fuddle to ignorant. What the hell is this? You guys knew my grand son? I have a record player. This fancy pincher nisk. Oh, I shopped in the head.

I told his mother. Send him to a special school. I don't know where he gets his money if I'm a real silver. Yeah. I hope he's not selling them drugs. I'm just gonna be taking him a few things. I want this shit. I want this shit. Topic two.

Okay, this would have applied to Walter, I believe. Could you live in a world where Christmas lasts a full week, but the rank and bass specials did not exist? Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, if he was forced to, I mean. Yeah, I mean, we all know the questions would you rather? We almost do live in a world that Christmas lasts a week.

I mean, basically the fucking world shuts down between the 24th and January 2nd Yeah, you know and people are still going out giving people gifts I guess it's maybe it's meant to be like Hanukkah where there's seven days of it. I mean this is to say that so angrily I'm about to go live don't go fucking I know my mind I'm parents go I know I know I read topics I read topics that'll warm your heart Alright I'm sure it will What's your favorite food?

How long is the longest you've ever waited for food? I'm really stressed Think of it like you're the shut in, and that's the caroler coming to make you happy. What are the top three comic books graphic novels? Set during or prominently featuring Christmas? Oh, that's a good one. Well, the one would be like,

isn't it like Marvel, Seves, Christmas or something? Isn't there like, some, one that are like that? What that are just focused around Christmas? Yeah, we're like Spider-Man. Like, isn't there one where there's like a Santa Claus robbery that Spider-Man stops? It's just like a cute story that they sold around Christmas. I mean, I mean, if we're really, this is on a level though. I'm sorry, tap dance and demon, but this one is on a level of like, do you rip open your envelopes?

You open a nice book. But this one is on the level of like do you rip open your envelopes? But I will say that the greatest Marvel Christmas story to me is Marvel team up number one where Spider-Man and human torch were chasing down the Sandman and they capture him at this apartment and when they get him He says his his mother is in the other room and that he he stole something and he has this gift Can you just let me give her this gift before you bring me to jail? And they both of them let him. And when they there's like he's probably been in there for a while so they go out on the outside of the building, look inside the look inside the room to see the old lady in bed. There really was his mother was really in there, but he went down the drain though. And he left little sand pet in this in the drain so he got away and so but the human torch and and spider-man

Don't beat themselves up because his Christmas are like don't be another day. We can capture Sam. I'm sure that made you feel better That what does it matter with fucking date is you drop the ball Like they're just letting themselves off. They're like well, it's Christmas like you know what you it is Christmas Yeah, I'm sure the victims of the salmon on the 26th are not going to have any sympathy for Spider-Man and a human torch. Wait, so you had him? Kill my mother. Wait, Spider-Man, didn't you learn this lesson with Uncle Ben? Full with twice. Are there more letters? I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go.

I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going to go. I'm going not. That was such a good time. I forgot, you know, you have a long road ahead of you. It doesn't matter at all, believe me. Just turn the heat on. I'll end up in Niagara Falls. They wait some, he's home. All right, so this is for you. I called, I'll go for the door.

We said it was gonna be three minutes, it's gonna be in 16 minutes. I am around the block. I'm literally around the block. About how much, you know what, we're waiting to go home. How much longer am I supposed to sit around? Why would you deliver here first? It makes zero sense what you guys are doing, man. So you would go to the farthest place to deliver and then come back here. That makes, you know that makes no sense, right? If somebody's three doors down, if somebody's three doors down, wait, hold on.

Okay, so say I'm next door to you. Say I'm next door to you and I order, right? But somebody has ordered, so you would deliver two miles away from me rather than next door first. That's what you're telling me. Oh, so you're, so you're, so you're understaffed and that's why it's taken so long. It's not because you're that busy. Yeah, I know, I know, I know, I know you've said that five times, but, but what point am I supposed to say like, I don't want the food anymore. We're trying to go home.

People are, are are are ready to leave Well then then be prepared to be surprised because it's not here yet Fucking holy shit man like this is the shit you're dealing with and I guarantee the fucking food is cold I guarantee it's gonna be tell this thingy too. She's going well, we deliver in the order that they received. And I said so around the block. Yeah, it's gonna be less even if somebody. I'll get it too. You should. Yeah, I was going.

It would have taken so much less time. We got out of the letter, right? You're gonna like this. Oh, good. Can I fucking eat it? So this is from, right? This is from, I, well, because I ripped up in the envelope, I can't make out the first name, but it's Parker is the last name and it says

Dear TSD I'd be interested in hearing your opinion on the following if you were granted the ability to a non-impsely put a hit on three people And you would face absolutely no ramifications for the demise of these individuals. Who are you going to kill? I can have three people. Yeah, well, I figure one would probably be the okay Yeah, let's let me answer this first. Okay, well, I would let down three people Who's two of them work at J. R's All right, Frank, so you are you read it? Do you have somebody and don't let's not do three. Let's do one sure Come back to me. I have to think about this one. Yeah, I can't imagine I would think that you'd be hard pressed to think of some of you want Yeah, come back to me. I'll think so we're asking Santa to perform a hit right

You can kill three people we can kill one person and there's no ramifications for it Get him. So, was it a question? I'm gonna kill. If you could have one person murdered, who would you have murdered? No ramifications. Santa Claus is gonna do the hit for you. Oh, um, um, um, um, wipe him out, rub him out, make it look like an accident. That is a tough one. I don't think I have that in me right now.

Right now. Yeah. Like, I can use it like whenever I want. But is there somebody right now that you said the listeners? No, not that I can think of. I think I'm not for you even keel. What about somebody famous? Yeah, I was thinking about that. Besides, oh, Dakota Fanning? I met like somebody who deserved it.

They're not an innocent actor. She's not innocent for this thing from it. What about Putin? Yeah, it's a scumbag. OK, OK. I was the one with that. Instead of going personal, go with like better minute of the world.

Yeah, something that'll make the world a better place. OK, yeah. One of them Putin or one of the mother dictators who's been doing those mass genocides and. Kony, Rwanda, or anything else like that. Yeah. Alright. Yeah. Good choice, Gator. Yeah. Very Christmas. Thank you. You got one, Chuck? I think that I probably know some people personally that I think the world would be a better place without them.

So I think I got personally. Yeah, I think so. You know somebody. I got to call people in my life that have demonstrated over the years many, many times that they are not good people to have around. And the world wouldn't miss them. And the world would be better off without them. Wow. Oh yeah. But you're not willing to say them.

No, I can't curse their name in public. Okay. But I'm sure. Frank, five. I can't tie. I can't think of anybody. I mean, there was somebody about, just some, what about like a serial killer,

that's still sitting in jail, or like a piece of shit that, You know, I guess if there was a child molester, they're out there. Yeah, I would have no problem with them getting snuffed out. So you would just, But Victor, you just find somebody online. Yeah, whoever was closest, so I didn't have to drive too far.

We nailed that. I think that's a pretty good choice. That's a great choice. Yeah, all right. I'm going to go that route too. So between the two of us, we can wait for the six. Yeah, we can get, yeah. Yeah, six. All right, so our food is here.

You want to wrap it up, Brian? I guess so, yeah. Less or so lower. It was all picked out who we want, murdered for Christmas. I think it's a great way to end the episode. I personally have got one person that I can't say much like Chuck. I got a key for under wraps. Probably another person.

Randomly, I would like the guy who was like, hey, there's no Santa Claus Just have him sit at home and the guy coming to be like Couple in the back of the head I'm so fucking hungry. I fucking yeah You know I fucked everybody else it would be three people at J.Rs Well, Merry Christmas there all the listeners after everybody ever did holiday I love it Christmas good Hanukkah good quanzo all that shit all those great Thanks, so thank you Frank. Thank you. Good. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. Merry Christmas guys. Merry Christmas to all you guys

Merry Christmas boys Great stuff. Yeah, that's a good sense here. Yeah, I really can't stay Baby it's cold outside I've got to go away Baby it's cold outside This evening has been Beautiful, the years of our reunification I am holy, oh, your hand They're just like us

Mother will start to Beautiful, what's your... My father will be pacing... Fools into the fireplace room... Really, I'd better... Scream! Please, don't hurt... Maybe just to have a drink all of...

Some breakfast on Wall-Up... The neighbors might think... Maybe it's fair, now fair Say, what's in this drink? No camps to be heard, now fair I wish I knew how Your eyes are like stars You're like the spell

Oh, turn your head, your hair I look swell I'd say no, no, no I'd move a little bit I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm gonna say that I'm This has been the production of SmartCo Internet Radio. Sir, only at smodcast.com.